Chapter 65- Goodbyes…

"Nathan!" Florence called out as she barged into Bill's office the next morning. "You weren't at the jail, so I was hoping to find you here."

Nathan had decided to talk to Bill before making his morning rounds and then spending his lunch hour at the school with Charlotte. Nathan and Bill had gone over the plan for McEntire's arrest, for what seemed like the hundredth time, running through all the different 'what-if' scenarios that could come up in the heat of the situation. Bill wanted Nathan to be prepared for whatever he faced ahead of him.

"What is it, Florence?" Bill asked, rising from behind his desk.

"A telegram just came through for Nathan from Constable Kinslow. It sounded urgent so I wanted to give it to you right away," the woman answered, handing the folded note directly to Nathan.

Nathan and Bill exchanged a look of concern between them.

"Thank you, Florence for getting this over to me. I appreciate it," Nathan forced a smile, hoping Florence couldn't see the dread that coursed through his body.

Florence nodded in his direction, picked up her skirt and rushed back out the door almost as quickly as she had blown in. Nathan twisted and turned the paper in his hands. Whatever was written, wouldn't be good news. He wasn't expected to leave for Brookfield until next Wednesday. Did something happen that was going to disrupt all of their carefully laid plans?

"Are you going to read it?" Bill asked impatiently. "Or just keep twirling it in your hands?"

Bill's comment broke Nathan out of his daze. He turned over the telegram and ran his finger under the seal to open it.

Constable Grant.

Received new intelligence.

Need to move up date.

Leave immediately.

Meet at Fort MacLeod.

Will explain then.

Constable Kinslow

Nathan's heart sank. Not so much from the news that their plans for Beck's arrest were being re-shuffled, but more so, the sudden loss of time with those he loved most. He had planned for more special moments in Hope Valley. With his friends and family. Celebrating the opening of the hospital tonight. Going to church on Sunday. He thought he had more time for rides with Allie. Or being scolded by his mother for eating some of the apples she had wanted to use in the pie.

"Nathan."

He thought he had more time with Charlotte. More time to laugh. More time to be in her presence. More time to love.

Nathan suddenly felt as if he was on a stagecoach with a runaway team. Spiraling down a mountain out of control and there was no way to stop it.

"Nathan!"

"Hmmm…" Was the only response Nathan was able to formulate for Bill.

"What does it say? Is it about the investigation?"

Instead of responding, Nathan just handed Bill the telegram to read for himself.

"Well this isn't so bad," Bill commented reading through the note. "The way you looked I wasn't sure what to expect."

"I need to leave. Now… I guess." Nathan started to collect his things from Bill's office.

Bill placed a hand on Nathan's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Nathan, nothing bad is going to happen, but if it does, you know I'll stand by my promise from this summer. Charlotte... your family… they will always be taken care of. I'll be here for them and make sure they are safe."

"Thank you, Bill. For everything," Nathan's voice was wavering. How would he be able to tell everyone else goodbye, if he couldn't even say it to Bill. "You need to know… you've become such a mentor and friend to me. Like a father. It means the world to me and I know you'll do everything in your power to make sure mom, Allie, and Charlotte are all taken care of, if..."

"No if's," Bill cut him off. "You are an impeccable Mountie, Nathan. You will serve justice, put McEntire away forever, and then you and Charlotte will be free to live your lives together."

Nathan extended his hand, which Bill took, but instead of shaking it in return, he used it to pull Nathan into a hug.

"Love you, son."

Bill's voice was so low, Nathan wasn't sure if he heard him correctly, but that didn't stop him from replying. "Love you too, Bill."

"What are you doing here?" Maise asked, seeing Nathan walk up to the front porch of his row house. "Aren't you usually on morning rounds by now? Before lunch at the school with Allie and Charlotte?"

Nathan took a deep, calming breath. "I received a telegram from Gabe. He needs my help with an investigation and arrest. Gabe asked that I join him as soon as possible, so I came home to pack. Bill is going to do my rounds and make sure everything is taken care of while I'm gone."

"You're going to miss the party tonight?"

Nathan nodded his head in reply.

"How long are you going to be gone?"

"I'm not actually sure. Gabe wasn't able to give me a lot of details in the telegram. It's days like this I wish Brookfield had a telephone."

"Why don't I stay with Allie at your house then while you are gone? That way Allie doesn't have to sleep on the couch at Charlotte's."

"That would be very kind of you, mom." Nathan leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his mother's cheek before heading inside. "I'll make sure to change the sheets on my bed for you while I'm upstairs packing."

A short while later, Nathan reappeared outside to Maise holding a paper sack.

"What's this?" He asked.

"You'll need food for your journey."

"I already packed some things in my bag here," Nathan replied, patting the saddlebag and bedroll he had slung over his shoulder.

"Humor me. I'm your mother," Maise answered, handing over the paper sack to Nathan.

He took the offering from Maise and peeked inside, a smile spreading across his face. Along with a few sandwiches and apples, were some of Charlotte's snickerdoodles.

Maise reached out and stroked Nathan's cheek. "Please be safe."

"Always," Nathan leaned forward and pulled Maise into a hug. "I love you, mom."

"I love you too, son."

Charlotte stood on the top step of the stairs to the church with Allie. Nathan was usually there by the time she released the kids for lunch and recess. A feeling of unease instantly settled into the pit of her stomach.

"There he is!" Allie called out, pointing across the yard to where Nathan walked towards them from the direction of the row houses.

Charlotte noted the change in Nathan and the way he carried himself. The way the features of his face were sullen. She knew something bad had happened and upon noting the saddlebag and bedroll slung over his shoulder she knew why.

Charlotte's heart rate quickened and her hand moved to press against her quivering stomach. No. He can't leave. Not yet.

We had so much left to do. To say. To experience.

She wasn't ready to tell him goodbye. Not yet. Not ever.

"Allie, I have to go," Charlotte whispered as she ran her hand down the girl's hair. "I just remembered there is something I have to... do. Can I put you in charge of lunch and recess today? I'll be back in time to start afternoon lessons."

"Uh…" Allie looked confusedly back and forth between Charlotte and Nathan. "Yeah… I guess so."

"Thank you," Charlotte leaned forward and placed a kiss on Allie's forehead before scurrying off down the path, away from the direction Nathan came.

Nathan slowly walked towards the church. He saw Allie and Charlotte waiting for him at the steps. His mind flashed to the first day Charlotte was in Hope Valley, when Nathan came to pick Allie up from summer school and saw Charlotte watching them from the top of the stairs. He had smiled gently and raised his hand in a small wave to Hope Valley's newest teacher. Even though he had been some distance from Charlotte, Nathan had noticed the flush come to her cheeks as she raised her hand in return greeting before scuttling back into the school.

Charlotte was the love that came without warning and captured Nathan's heart before he even realized what was happening. He remembered the instant pull to know more about her. To understand why she seemed so guarded. To be the one who brought a glimmer of life and hope back into those piercing grey eyes that haunted his dreams every night since Charlotte first arrived.

And here she was walking away. Again.

Nathan had noticed Charlotte's reaction to seeing him coming towards the church with his saddlebag and bedroll in hand. The way she pressed her hand against her stomach. Charlotte had known instantly. They were out of time.

"Hi Dad," Allie tried to sound cheerful from her perch on the steps.

Nathan noticed Allie's gaze stayed on his bags. His throat had gone dry, "I have to go."

"I know," Allie tried to sound brave and confident.

"I'm not sure when I'll be back, but I promise it will be as soon as I can."

Allie nodded.

"I'm sorry I'm going to miss the party tonight."

"That's okay. I'm used to it. It's just the way it is." Allie shrugged.

"Grandma is going to stay with you at the house while I'm gone."

Allie nodded her head and dropped her gaze. Nathan reached forward and lifted her chin. "Be good, okay? Especially to Ms. Thompson."

"I will."

Nathan gave her a wink as he reversed back down the path into town, "See you soon."

"Dad!" Allie called from the steps, causing Nathan to turn back. "I love you."

Nathan gave Allie a warm smile. "I love you too, kid."

Nathan walked into town, he knew he needed to see Charlotte one last time before he left. To explain the change in plans, but as he turned down the main street, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Nathan's heart sank.

He decided to walk towards the livery and saddle Newton. Maybe Charlotte had circled back to the row houses or the church and Nathan could talk to her before he rode out of town.

When Nathan walked through the big barn door and his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the space, he stopped in his tracks. There she was. Charlotte's back was turned to the entry so she hadn't noticed Nathan come in. She stood beside Newton in his stall, one arm wrapped around his neck, while the other held a brush that gently stroked through the horse's mane.

"Newton," Charlotte cooed. "Can you do something for me? Can you take care of him? Keep him safe. Don't leave him behind. You gotta be his second set of eyes and ears out there, okay? Be surefooted and brave, like I know you always are. You're carrying precious cargo. You're carrying my heart. Protect him. For me."

Newton turned his head towards Charlotte, almost appearing to wrap her into a hug. Charlotte, understanding the gesture, buried her face into the gelding's neck, hugging it in return.

"Thank you," she whispered into his coat, before setting down the brush and turning to grab Newton's saddle blanket and place it onto his back. When Charlotte stepped into the alleyway for the saddle was when she noticed Nathan standing just inside the door. She stopped to take in his appearance for only a moment before turning back to her task at hand; picking up the saddle from its stand, striding back to Newton, and swinging it into place.

As Charlotte busied herself buckling the girth, Nathan moved to stand behind her. When she lifted the leather strap to tighten the cinch, Nathan reached forward and placed a hand onto hers, quieting her nervous and uneasy motions.

Charlotte dipped her head, refusing to look at Nathan.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm sorry I walked away from you at the church. I just… I knew what you were coming to tell me and I wasn't ready for it."

"I don't know, it appears you are trying to get rid of me. You've brushed and saddled my horse. Newts ready to hit the trail," Nathan joked, trying to lighten the mood. He saw the corner of Charlotte's mouth lift slightly in a smile.

"I'm not trying to get rid of you, rather I felt the need to make sure Newton here knew what his assignment was. We were having a bit of a heart to heart conversation, weren't we boy," Charlotte said, as she patted a hand over the horse's shoulder blade.

"So I heard." Nathan answered, noting the blush that came to Charlotte's cheeks.

"I thought we had more time…"

"Me too, but I received a telegram from Gabe. Seems as though he found out some new information and thinks we need to push up our timeline."

"At least if you leave now, you shouldn't be too late getting into Brookfield tonight."

"I'm not going to Brookfield."

Charlotte's head swiveled to now look at Nathan. "What do you mean you're not going to Brookfield? Where are you supposed to meet Gabe?"

"He said Fort MacLeod."

"Fort MacLeod? But that will be days on the trail. And it's out of the way."

Nathan shrugged, "He said he would explain it to me once I got there. I trust Gabe to know what's best to see this through."

Charlotte swallowed the lump in her throat. "Are you sure you should go? It's one thing when I thought you were just going to Brookfield to meet Gabe, but all the way to Fort Mac? The weather is turning colder. The peaks have snow already."

"Thankfully Fort Mac isn't up in the mountains. I'll be fine, Charlotte. I've camped out in the fall and winter before. As long as I have a campfire and food I'll be okay."

"Did you pack extra clothes? I know your serge is warm," Charlotte reached forward and brushed her fingertips over the buttons on his jacket. "But it's not that warm. I can't have you getting sick…"

Nathan took Charlotte's hands into his, pulling her closer to him.

"I don't know. That doesn't sound so bad to me. The last time I came back with a cold, I had a very caring neighbor who helped nurse me back to health," Nathan wiggled his eyebrows suggestively causing a small chuckle to come from Charlotte.

"Here. Take this," Charlotte released Nathan's hands to reach for her winter shawl that she had laid on the top railing of Newton's stall before beginning to tack him up earlier. "I know it's not the warmest item of clothing, but hopefully it will keep the chill off."

"Thank you, I'm sure it will keep me warm," Nathan took the gift in his hands, feeling its soft material as it floated over his fingers. "And if the shawl doesn't do the trick, I'm sure thinking of the woman it belongs too will."

Heat visibly rose in Charlotte's face. The gesture caused Nathan to reach forward, running his thumb over the blush of her cheeks. Charlotte's eyes closed and lips slightly parted as she took a moment to relish in Nathan's touch.

"I can't do this," Charlotte stated, her eyes fluttering open to stare up into Nathan's loving gaze. "I thought I could, but I can't. I can't let you go. I can't let you and Gabe risk your lives for me."

"Please, Nathan," Charlotte begged, reaching her hands forward to grab the lapels of his serge. Using the woolen material to pull him closer to her. "Please don't do this. Don't go… I need you here. With me. I can't…"

"Yes." Nathan cut her off. "You can. Charlotte, you are the strongest and bravest woman I have ever met. You can do anything. We need to deal with Beck. We can't let him be a part of our relationship any longer. There is only room for you and I. And God."

Charlotte's eyes were red and puffy. The corners glistening with tears.

"I don't ask you for much, sweetheart, but I am asking you for this..." Nathan's voice was gentle. "Let me go. Let me do this for you. For us."

Charlotte let out a ragged and shaky breath, but she nodded in agreement.

"We've been through everything else together. This is no different." Nathan gently ran his hands up and down Charlotte's arms in a comforting gesture. "We'll make it past this. We will. I promise you that."

"I love you," Nathan's fingers moved to thread into Charlotte's hair. His gaze scanned across her face, committing every feature to memory. Her eyes. Her freckles. Her dimple in her cheek. "I will always love you."

"I…" Charlotte swallowed. The words were right there.

Say it. She scolded herself. Say it!

If he doesn't come back, you'll be haunted the rest of your life for what was left unsaid. Charlotte thought to herself.

"I…" Charlotte's throat constricted. She wasn't even sure she could breathe anymore. The words caught. Choking her. She was filled with a silent torture. She struggled against the emotions and weight of all that was happening. She felt dizzy.

Nathan deserved to hear her verbally express how she felt about him, but no matter how hard she tried, the words were like a river in winter. Frozen in time. Unable to flow downstream to bring new life to its surrounding. It was halted. Held in place.

Three little words that carried so much weight. She had said it to many people in her life. Her parents. Her friends. Allie.

Beck. Charlotte's stomach became queasy.

Why could she not say it to the one person who it was meant the most for?

She trembled at her weakness. At her inability to say what was in her heart and had been for such a long time. Charlotte remembered the passage from 'Riders of the Purple Sage' she had recited at the orphanage the night before the cattle drive in Brookfield.

I must tell you- because you mightn't come back. You must know what- what I think of your goodness- of you. Always I've been tongue-tied. I seemed not to be grateful. It was deep in my heart. Even now- if I were other than I am- I couldn't tell you. But I'm nothing- only a rustlers girl- nameless- infamous. You've saved me- and I'm- I'm yours to do with as you like… with all my heart and soul- I love you!

While she had read it to the children, who she had meant it for was him. Nathan. Even then. So many months ago. It had been her way of showing him. Of telling him what was in her heart, when the words failed her.

Nathan noticed Charlotte's silent torment.

"I know," He gave Charlotte a gentle and reassuring smile as he brushed her hair back behind her shoulder, his finger then trailing lightly down the edge of her spine. "Charlotte, you don't have to say anything. Our love is so much more than words. You know it. I know it. That's all I need. You'll get there. When you're ready."

He reached forward and wiped away Charlotte's tears from her cheek. "I better be going. Bill is going to look after things while I'm gone and I've already told mom and Allie goodbye."

Reluctantly Nathan turned away from Charlotte, adding her shawl to his bag before tying the supplies into place on the saddle and finishing tacking Newton for their journey.

"When do you expect to be back?" Charlotte questioned from behind him.

He glanced back at her enigmatically. "As soon as I can." Leading Newton out of the stall, Nathan put his arm around her shoulders. Charlotte smiled bravely up at him. Stopping, he drew her into his arms, feeling her body curve perfectly into his own.

"Nate," Charlotte understood his vehemence and touched Nathan's face tenderly. Her voice was thick with emotion. "Take care of yourself."

"You do likewise," Nathan again moved to tuck a strand of Charlotte's hair behind her ear, causing Charlotte to close her eyes and lean into Nathan's hand where it cupped the side of her face.

Nathan smiled at her reaction. "You should know. You make it mighty hard to leave home Charlie. But the thought of coming back here… to you… well it's all a man could ever want."

"I'm going to miss you," Charlotte whispered, moving to wrap her arms around Nathan, enveloping him again into her body. Her hands interlocked behind his back as she nuzzled her head into Nathan's collar. Breathing in his scent and committing it to memory.

Nathan pulled Charlotte in closer and rested his cheek along the top of her wavy hair, "I'm going to miss you."

They held each other for a moment longer, until Newton's head nudged Nathan's shoulder, knocking the pair off balance and signaling it was time for him to leave. Nathan placed a kiss on Charlotte's forehead before he took a step out of her hold. He turned towards Newton, but was stopped when Charlotte's grasp on his hand refused to release. He glanced down at where her knuckles turned white with the tight grip she held on him. Nathan slowly trailed his eyes up her arm to Charlotte's face. Clearly seeing the pain and anguish that the next few days would hold for her. The unknown of what lay ahead for them. Day, hours, and minutes filled with constant worry about where he would be and what was happening with the arrest.

"Please. Please be safe," Charlotte's voice again begged. "After you do what you have to do. Come back to us... Come back to me."

"I will." Nathan hoped his voice sounded stronger than what he felt. He squeezed Charlotte's hand once more before releasing it, taking hold of Newton's reins and saddle to swing easily onto the horse's back.

Charlotte took a couple steps forward, placing a hand on Nathan's leg she leaned into Newton's side. "Hurry home, cowboy."

Nathan smiled and tipped his campaign hat towards Charlotte, before gathering Newton's reins into his hands. "Come on Newt. Let's leave this beautiful woman to enjoy the rest of her day."

Nathan shifted slightly in his seat, squeezing his thighs to urge the horse forward at a smooth trot. Newton had barely made it across the street to the corner of the mercantile and Coulter's offices, when Nathan pulled up on his reins and turned them back to face where Charlotte stood in front of the livery.

"Charlie!" Nathan called out, standing up slightly in his stirrups. "When I get back. Will you take a ride with me?"

Charlotte smiled, as tears steadily streamed down her cheeks. She nodded her head. Yes. Of course, she would take a ride with him.

This ride, called life.

"I would love to." Charlotte called back across the street.

Nathan beamed a smile in return before reaching his right hand up to his lips, placing a kiss to his fingers and blowing the gesture back to his love.

Charlotte returned it. Pressing her fingertips to her lips she sent her kiss like a wish on a breeze back across the street to Nathan.

"I love you!" Nathan exclaimed, but before he could wait for an answer, Nathan turned and dug his heels into Newton's sides. The pair quickly rode down the road leading out of town.

"I love you." The words spilled forth. Too late. Too softly. But there, all the same.

I love you. Charlotte again repeated, becoming a mantra she went over again and again. Waiting in the street, frozen from where Nathan had last held her. Touched her. Watching as he and Newton became smaller and smaller in the distance. Obscured by the dust kicked up from the dirt path they rode on, until finally, Charlotte could no longer see them in the distance. She crossed her arms in front of her body. Protecting and comforting her heart the only way she knew how to in that moment.

Please God. Keep him safe. Bring him home to me. She sent up in silent prayer.

When Charlotte heard the ring of the bell signaling the end of the lunch hour, she glanced once more down the path Nathan had left on before turning and sulking back towards the church to collect the children for their lessons. Hopefully spending the afternoon with her students and then celebrating the opening of the hospital tonight would keep her mind from drifting into the unknowns that threatened to hold her captive in their darkness until Nathan returned.