Chapter 100- What Could Have Been
*Alright everyone… this chapter of "The Dinner" was getting a bit lengthy so I decided to break it apart into two shorter chapters… Here is Part 1.
I do want to put a disclaimer here at the beginning. This chapter does contain what I term as "Season 8 Elizabeth". Most of you know what I mean by that. If that isn't something you want to read about, I would suggest skipping this chapter and the next.
After that, my plan is for Elizabeth to again become a background character to this story of Nathan, Allie, and Charlotte. Much like she has been.
I also want to do a bit of a trigger warning for any of you readers who were heartbroken by the S8 finale when Elizabeth did not choose Nathan. As you may have figured out from the title… this chapter talks a bit about "What Could Have Been".
The smell of freshly brewed coffee flooded Charlotte's senses a moment before she felt Nathan's long fingers brush a strand of hair from her face as he sat on the edge of their bed and bent forward to give his wife a good morning kiss.
"Charlotte. Sweetheart." His hand grazed along her clavicle to her shoulder. "It's time to get up."
She groaned lightly. "Do I have to?"
"Well, I guess you don't have to," he softly chuckled. "But I did bring up a cup of coffee."
"Coffee?" Charlotte peaked an eye open to reveal her husband's warm smile.
"Thought you might like a cup to get going this morning." He was dressed except for his serge. Freshly shaved, but his hair had yet to see a comb. It was a look that was disarmingly handsome.
"Maybe I just need you to get me going this morning," Charlotte stated, reaching forward to grab one of Nathan's suspenders, pulling him towards her to place a thorough kiss to his lips.
When they parted, Nathan's eyes lingered close for a few moments longer, his reaction to their kiss causing a husky laugh to escape Charlotte.
"Remind me to bring you coffee in bed every morning," Nathan's voice was low.
Charlotte stretched her tired muscles before pulling herself upright and accepting the mug of coffee Nathan handed to her.
"I've always enjoyed our morning coffee, but I really enjoy it when it's coffee in bed," she smirked over the edge of her cup.
"Me too," Nathan said, before taking his own sip of the hot brew.
"What's on your agenda today, Constable Grant?" Charlotte's hand had found Nathan's forearm and began to gently glide along its length in a reassuring manner.
"Working through more piles of reports, I'm afraid. At least they're organized now, and I know what I need to work on first. They definitely didn't warn me about how much paperwork I had to do when I joined the Mounties."
"Probably for good reasons. No one would sign up if they truly knew," Charlotte chuckled and took another drink of her coffee.
"What are you and Allie planning for the day?" Nathan asked. "Enjoying the leisure before the school year starts?"
"I think Allie was going to wrap Little Jack's present from us and make him a birthday card. I promised a chocolate cake for dinner, so that's the first thing we need to accomplish."
"Ah, yes. Dinner tonight."
"Are you okay that I invited Elizabeth?"
"Are you okay with it?"
"Yes. I think so," Charlotte swallowed and turned her attention out the window. "I have to be honest, sometimes I still wonder what could have been if Elizabeth hadn't been so afraid to admit her feelings to you that day. When you met on the road after visiting this property. When you first told her you loved her."
"Charlotte, I appreciate your honesty," Nathan soothed, playing with her hair. "But sometimes you still worry too much about those 'what ifs' of life."
"And I wonder if you don't think about them enough," she muttered. "Sometimes I look at Elizabeth and Little Jack and can't help but think about the beautiful family you would have created with them."
"But we didn't, Charlotte. You are my wife. You and Allie are my family."
"I know that, but…" She bit her lip and looked uncertain.
"No ifs or buts about it," Nathan reached for Charlotte's hand. Kissing it before laying it against his cheek. "I know who we are as individuals. I know who we are together. And above all, I know who brought us together. Because of that, I know with absolute certainty you are not a second choice in my life. Or my wife only because of a missed opportunity with Elizabeth. You and I…" He smiled tenderly. "Are not an accident."
Charlotte pulled his head down and kissed him. "I'm sorry, I still dwell on it sometimes. I do know what we have Nathan, it's just I'm not always certain, Elizabeth knows. I didn't invite her to dinner to rub it in her face the life she threw away when she didn't choose you, but I do have concerns that is what she may see tonight as."
"You and I know the truth and that's all that matters. We will be gracious hosts and treat her as we would anyone who joined us for dinner. She's married to Lucas, and they just spent months together traveling the world. Something they both love. I'm sure Elizabeth will be thankful to be back among friends here in Hope Valley. It will be good for Jack too, a little sense of normalcy and home. Not living out of a suitcase for weeks at a time."
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"Every day," Nathan smiled.
"I don't think I'll ever get enough of you Nathan Grant. Not as long as I live."
"Nor I of you." He answered, leaning forward to give her another reassuring kiss. When he drew back, he swallowed. Noting the look in her eyes.
"I like your hair like this." Charlotte ran her hand through Nathan's bed head, tousling it between her fingers. "Kind of that ruffled unassuming look." Charlotte's voice was husky and low. "Too bad, you're already dressed for the day."
"That's an easy fix," Nathan answered before kissing his wife as passion built between them.
"Yes..." Charlotte breathed, making quick work of Nathan's suspenders and buttons. "I definitely like our morning coffee in bed."
"Allie," Charlotte called out from the kitchen that evening. "Can you go welcome our guests? I think I just heard a car pull up outside and I'm finishing these dumplings for the soup."
"Mom, it's Mr. Bouchard's car."
"Not Mr. Coulter's?"
"No, and only Mrs. Bouchard and Jack are getting out."
"Maybe the Coulter's are driving up separately." Charlotte gave the pot a final stir and then decided to join Allie on the front porch.
"Elizabeth. Jack. We're so glad that you could make it," Charlotte warmly expressed, wiping her hands on a towel that she swung over her shoulder.
"Mrs. Nathan!" Jack quickly bounded up the steps to join Charlotte and Allie. "Where's my chocolate cake?"
"Jack," Elizabeth's tone was stern as she climbed to the porch behind her son. "I know you have better manners than that."
"Sorry, Momma," The child sulked before turning his attention back to Charlotte. "Mrs. Nathan? I hope you were able to bake a chocolate cake for tonight. I would be most grateful."
Charlotte smiled sweetly and bent down to Jack's level, taking the boy's little hands into her own. "Yes. We have chocolate cake for dessert to celebrate your birthday. Allie helped me bake and decorate it today. I think… Allie also wrapped up a present for you."
"A present!" Jack's eyes grew big. "Can I open it now? Please!"
Charlotte chuckled. "Well, since Mountie Nathan was the one who made it, how about we wait until he gets home to see you open it. Is that alright?"
"That's alright," Jack wrapped his skinny arms around her neck in a hug before skipping past them into the open door of the house.
Charlotte straightened and turned her attention to Elizabeth. "The Coulter's driving their own car tonight?"
"Rosemary and Lee send their regards. Fred is feeling a bit under the weather and has a slight fever. They thought it best they stay in tonight to take care of him."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Charlotte's heart sank. How was she supposed to get through this evening without the Coulter's as a buffer? She prayed Nathan would be home soon.
"Here," Elizabeth extended a basket towards Charlotte. "A housewarming present from Lucas and I."
"Thank you," Charlotte ushered Elizabeth into the house, taking the gift from her hands. She brushed back the scarf draped over the top of the basket to reveal what was hidden below. "Candles! So many of them. Nathan and I usually have plenty of light from the fireplaces and lamps, but this is a very thoughtful gift."
Elizabeth nodded, seemingly distracted. She was studying the house and all its contents.
"Here," Charlotte set down the basket. "Let me take your coat."
Elizabeth removed her jacket and handed it to Charlotte who hung it on one of the hooks in the hallway.
"Can I get you something to drink? Water? Milk? Cider?" Charlotte offered.
"Milk, please!" Jack chimed in, joining them from the living room having already shed his winter clothes. He was carrying the new novel Charlotte and Allie had picked up at the mercantile the day before. "Mrs. Nathan, after dinner will you read me this book?"
"'The Man of the Forest'?"
"Allie says it's about cowboys and mountain men and even a pet cougar named Tom. Did you know I have an uncle named Tom, too?" The young boy rattled on without pause.
"No, I didn't know that Jack," Charlotte glanced at Elizabeth.
"Tom is my late husband's brother," Elizabeth explained.
"I see," Charlotte nodded. "Well, Jack, if your mom says it is okay after dinner, I would be happy to read a chapter or two about cowboys, mountain men, and Tom the cougar."
"Did I hear right? That someone is going to read about cowboys?" Nathan asked, coming through the front door. He winked at Charlotte and removed his campaign hat a moment before Jack leapt into his arms.
"Mountie Nathan!" The little boy hugged Nathan tightly around his neck as his legs wrapped around Nathan's waist. Charlotte caught a funny expression spread across Elizabeth's face that caused her stomach to twist in recognition.
"Hello, Jack," Nathan warmly smiled at the boy in his arms before turning towards their other guest and nodding. "Elizabeth. We're so glad you both could join us for dinner tonight."
"Mrs. Nathan made me chocolate birthday cake!" Jack chimed, drawing Nathan's attention back to him.
"Mrs. Nathan?" Nathan's eyebrow raised as he glanced at Charlotte. She had forgotten to tell him about Jack's new name for her.
"Yeah, Mrs. Nathan," Jack pointed towards Charlotte. "She used to be Ms. Thompson, but then she said that you and her got married, so now I call her Mrs. Nathan because you're Mountie Nathan."
Nathan's eyes fell on Charlotte, and he gave her a bright and endearing smile that made her heart race. "Mrs. Nathan, huh?"
"Did you unsaddle Newton yet, Dad?" Allie questioned breaking Nathan and Charlotte out of their shared moment.
"No, I haven't. He's tied up outside. I wanted to check in on you guys before I put him in the barn." His eyes again found Charlotte's and she understood what he really meant.
"Can I help with Newton?" Jack asked.
"If it's alright with your mom."
"It's alright with me," Elizabeth gave her approval. "But make sure to put your coat, hat, and gloves back on. It's cold out there."
Jack's eyes were bright with childish excitement as he wiggled out of Nathan's arms to comply with his mother's request. Bounding into the living room to find where he had deposited his winter clothing moments earlier.
"Mrs. Bouchard," Allie spoke up. "Would you like me to give you a tour of the house?"
"I'd like that, Allie. Thank you." Elizabeth answered following Allie into the living room.
Nathan gathered Charlotte into his strong arms and kissed her until she could scarcely breathe. His hands fanned the spark inside her until it was a flame. "Mrs. Nathan? I like the sounds of that."
"Me too." Charlotte giggled against his cheek. "God, I'm so grateful you're home, Nathan."
"Rosemary called the office to let me know that they wouldn't be able to come tonight because Fred wasn't feeling well. She thought you may need another friendly face, sooner rather than later, and suggested I call it a day a little early."
"Thank you," Charlotte whispered into a kiss a moment before Jack, Allie, and Elizabeth returned to the hallway.
"Mountie Nathan, I ready."
"Okay, Jack," Nathan's hand was captured by the little boy and pulled in the direction of the door. "We'll be right back."
Bracing against the drag of the child, Nathan leaned over to place a kiss on Charlotte's temple before he disappeared out the front door. Charlotte sighed. How she wished she was going with him to the barn. She turned to see Allie and Elizabeth watching her from the base of the stairs. One woman; winsome. The other; sullen.
"Is there anything I can help with?" Elizabeth's sweet voice came from behind Charlotte as she stirred the soup.
"Not right now but thank you for offering." Charlotte watched Elizabeth move gracefully to join her at the stove. Her stunning light lilac dress molded beautifully around her curves. It was a lovely color on her, and it complimented the gorgeous lavender wool coat she had worn tonight. Everything about Elizabeth was elegant. From her hair to her shoes. Even her scent, no doubt an expensive Parisian perfume, wafted about, exuding grace and status. Subconsciously, Charlotte brushed her hand across her forehead, pushing back pieces of stray hair she knew had escaped her braid throughout the day. Why hadn't she taken the time to clean up and change into something more fitting of a hostess?
"Allie is setting the table in the dining room. She just finished showing me the upstairs and the rest of the house Nathan built. It is very beautiful. The perfect place to raise a family."
"We think so." Charlotte smiled warmly, but when she again turned to face Elizabeth, her stomach dropped to her boots. There was something in the way Elizabeth looked that made Charlotte's skin crawl. It was wistful. Or maybe more apt descriptions; dreaming and longing.
Elizabeth caught Charlotte studying her and she pushed her hip off the counter where she had been leaning. "I'm sorry if I seem a little distant." She said, moving around the corner of the kitchen island. "Being here tonight just has me thinking."
Charlotte didn't feel the need to push Elizabeth for an explanation. She knew exactly what Elizabeth was thinking of. It was clear to see from the moment Nathan walked in the front door and swept Jack up into his loving arms.
Even without Charlotte's prompting, Elizabeth decided to continue. "With seeing this property and the house Nathan built. Watching Allie and Little Jack running about the halls. I guess I can't help but dream of... What could have been."
Charlotte felt her mouth go dry and her legs weaken under her weight. Wasn't she just thinking the exact same things this morning?
Elizabeth's attention had shifted to Allie moving about in the dining room. "I remember saying once it would have been fun. The four of us."
"Elizabeth," Charlotte choked. Her throat, suddenly tight and raw. The muscles in her jaw tensed. "Nathan and…"
But before Charlotte could say anymore, a very ecstatic little boy and Mountie returned through the front door. Charlotte's words froze inside her as she watched Elizabeth, like a moth to a flame, walk to the hallway. Allie following.
There they were. The four of them. Outlined through the doorway like a picture frame. Charlotte felt as if her world was spiraling out of control. Her heart contracted with a sharp stab of jealousy. Elizabeth's words from moments ago struck her again 'It would have been fun. The four of us.'.
She watched Nathan covertly, hungering for his glance in her direction just to show things were all right, but he was intent on what Elizabeth was saying to him. Charlotte tried to calm her heart. Nathan had seen her at her absolute worst, and he still chose her. Still loved her. He was quiet and steady, unyielding, like a rock. Why did she have to let Elizabeth's simple words plant seeds of doubt in her mind and heart? Especially when Nathan had never given her a reason to give those seeds a place to grow.
Charlotte felt secure in Nathan's love, but what of Elizabeth's. With that realization, Charlotte's jealousy was quickly gone, replaced by an overwhelming sadness. A sadness for another.
Just then Nathan excused himself from the hallway, taking the steps upstairs two at a time to no doubt change into something more casual for the rest of the evening. His hand had touched Elizabeth's arm to pass around her and Charlotte caught the other woman's gaze move thoughtfully down to land on the place Nathan had touched, once he was out of view.
Hot tears stung in Charlotte's eyes, and she turned away, trying to focus her attention on the bubbling soup in front of her. She closed her eyes and prayed. Prayed fervently for guidance.
And grace.
*Lengthy Author/Personal Note Alert with a Side of My Faith
Like Chapter 66 of this story… this chapter is a bit more personal to me. A bit of my own heart, experiences, and faith are coming through on this posting and the next.
I went back and forth on writing these scenes/chapters. It may have been hard on you readers for a couple of reasons. One- Charlotte still having her doubts (I know a few of you have expressed a wish that she wasn't so complicated sometimes- but that's real life y'all- none of us are perfect). Two- Season 8 Elizabeth and the "What Could Have Been" (Please note- I do have plans for a bit of a redemption arc for Elizabeth's character- not in the immediate future, but if I decide to continue on with this story past the current "season"- I hope to have it as part of the next).
Even with all of that, I decided to continue with these chapters, more so to bring a bit of my "real world" into the story again.
I think in the world we live in, comparison, especially comparison between ourselves and other women is a difficult thing. I know it has been something I have struggled with on and off and on again through so much of my life. It's something I constantly pray for God's guidance and grace to overcome.
And while both Nathan and Charlotte are sure of each other's love, sometimes those seeds of doubt and what-if's can scramble your heart and make you believe things that just aren't (or ever will be) true.
I read a Christian book a few years ago called 'Why Her' by Nicki Koziarz. It is a book I suggest to anyone who has ever felt like they struggle with comparison. When I find myself back in that slump, I turn to this book. Especially two chapters: "You Don't Always Have To Be Okay" and my personal favorite "Her Gain Is Not Your Loss".
Being in my early 30's (gulp) has me comparing so much of my life to my "peers". Those that I graduated high school and college with. Where are they compared to where I am?
They have thriving careers. Some days I fell I'm treading water.
They have devoted spouses. I'm eating ramen on my couch in yoga pants. Solo.
They have cute little baby bumps. Pretty sure my "extra" tummy is the burrito grande I ate for lunch.
Some days, I just feel bitter and that's a hard place to be. I find myself rolling my eyes at another work promotion, another engagement, or another birth announcement being posted to social media. All that leads me to asking God, "When is it going to be MY turn?"
(Don't get me wrong. I am beyond blessed. I have my health, a loving family, friends who are always up for an adventure, a comfortable home, co-workers who are always able to make me laugh, and all of you readers who love on this story I have created.)
And it all goes back to… Since when does "her" gains mean that you are losing? It shouldn't. God places us exactly where he wants us to be. Each and everyone of us. We all run this race of life at different paces and in different ways.
Love where your life is at this moment. And live it as fully as possible friends.
Sorry for the lengthy Author Notes. I'm not one to share about my faith much on here, as I don't always believe this is the space for it, but I felt the call to do so through this chapter in case this was something any of you also struggle with. Know you are not alone, and you don't always have to be okay. Much love to you all!