Chapter 102- Unanswered Prayers

*To Quote a Garth Brooks Song

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times

And each night I'd spent prayin' that God would make her mine

And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then

I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs

That just because he may not answer, doesn't mean he don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

When Charlotte returned to the first floor from tucking Allie into bed, she noticed Nathan had not yet come in from outside. She removed his coat from the hook in the hallway and was about to take it out to him when something stopped her in her tracks. She could faintly make out Nathan and Elizabeth's soft voices on the other side of the door, the intimacy of it made her turn back. Burying herself further into the depths of her home, away from the stormy world outside her door, that threatened to tear everything she loved apart.

Still, she fought every instinct that pulled her back to listen in on their conversation. Charlotte knew that most likely whatever they were discussing, she didn't want any part of. Elizabeth had already put her in a dark place this evening, Charlotte didn't feel like going any deeper than her imagination was already taking her.

She hugged Nathan's coat to her face, comforting herself with his familiar scent, before hanging it back on the hook. Then she looked around for something to do to keep her mind off Nathan and Elizabeth. Together. She set about tidying the living and dining rooms. Folding the blankets, fluffing the pillows, and carrying the last of the dirty plates and silverware to the sink. Filling it with warm water to wash up from their evening meal.

Charlotte tried to shove her feelings down, but they kept coming up, choking her. She clenched her fists, fighting it, but the lump in her chest only grew and she pressed her hand against it. She tried to think about all of Nathan's beautiful words he used to describe their life together. She tried to combat the sickening images that were playing through her mind, with her own wonderful memories with her husband and Allie, but no matter how hard she tried, the dark thoughts snuffed out all the light. Charlotte bit her lip and clutched at the side of the sink. Her nails digging into the hardness of the porcelain.

She had heard the car drive off a while ago, yet Nathan remained outside. Charlotte could only imagine what Elizabeth had said to him. Her words were a tumor, now spreading cancer. A sickness. What was Nathan thinking about? Was he regretting ever marrying her? Did he finally realize that Elizabeth was right? It would have been better, the four of them. And now he was just trying to find a way to tell Charlotte that it was all just one big mistake.

Their love.

Nathan remained outside long after Elizabeth had driven away. Staring off into the distance as he leaned against the main post of the front porch. It was cold out, but the heat from the anger he still felt kept him plenty warm.

He knew there was something deeper bothering Elizabeth. In many ways, tonight she still seemed like the lost and confused woman she had been over two years ago. Blowing about with no true destination in mind, leaving a wake of destruction in her path. Elizabeth's words tonight were like well-aimed bullets. Shooting straight and true to where she knew it would inflict the most damage. Charlotte's insecurities and her and Nathan's shared past.

"We have a history together."

"You can't just completely erase your feelings towards someone and act like it never happened."

"Being here tonight. With Jack, Allie, and you. I couldn't help but think of what could have been between us. If only I had admitted what you meant to me. What you still mean to me..."

"The four of us. The life we would have created together."

"I'm not attacking. I'm being honest. For the first time in a long time. I'm being honest with you… and myself."

"You should know that I never did see Jack in you-"

"-And in certain ways, I wonder if I'm still in love with you."

How many times in the past had he wished he could hear her say all that she had said tonight? He had prayed about it, fervently. He had thought, just as she admitted, that the four of them could have made a wonderful family together. Isn't that who he had originally imagined this life out here on the ranch with?

He had found himself angry at God then. Why couldn't God give him what he so desperately longed for? But no answer came. No matter how much Nathan had prayed for it or how much he begged. It was met with only silence. The still, quiet voice didn't speak to him anymore, not for weeks and months. God was silent and hidden, his purpose a mystery.

Nathan had buried himself in work and spending time with Allie. Keeping busy to cover up the hurt and pain in his unanswered prayers. Seeing others have everything he had wished he could. Months went by and slowly, God's silence faded, replaced by one simple Bible verse that seemed to play over and over in Nathan's soul.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

It was a season in his life, Nathan couldn't say he had much cared for. It was hard. The weight of the world and his feelings; crushing. If only he could have someone to share the burden with. To be a partner with, like what Nan had always promised he would find. Over time, Nathan began to slow his frenetic work and instead sought solace in God's word.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Nathan knew God wanted him to not waste this time of healing. To better himself and grow for whatever he had promised. A life more fulfilling than what Nathan could have ever imagined. He had faith that God would show him the way when the time would come. Because he always had before.

Then one day, over a year ago, God's message changed to Nathan. What had been one simple line of Scripture for so long, shifted like the seasons. From the coldness of winter to the possibilities of spring.

Her.

Nathan had been so deeply buried in his own hurt, that he had almost missed the voice when it came to him. Holding Charlotte for the briefest of moments on the stagecoach platform as he saved her from the falling baggage.

All day, he questioned what he had heard. Did God really mean it? Could this woman really be his chosen partner? He thought about it the rest of the afternoon. When he saw Charlotte on the steps of the school. As Allie talked over dinner at the café about her new teacher. Even during his evening rounds through town and then on his walk back home from the livery, Ms. Thompson had been constantly on his mind. The only thing breaking him out of his thoughts that night was a piercing scream of haunting pain.

Nathan had jumped into action, and soon found that the source was none other than his new neighbor, the one God had seemingly promised him.

No, God. I must have misunderstood. It can't be her. After all that I experienced with Elizabeth, I don't know if I can go through that pain again. Send me someone who doesn't have a scarred past. Who is unburdened by the world.

Her.

Her? Lord, this isn't what I had in mind. I want a love that is easy. That doesn't hurt. That's uncomplicated. Please!

Trust in me with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

So, Nathan did trust. And as Charlotte's past came to light, he realized that this was bigger than him. It was bigger than her. They needed each other to overcome. To show God's love to one another. Nathan came to understand, Charlotte wasn't only his promised one, but he was hers too. They brought each other out of the darkness and into the light of love.

If God had given him what he had prayed so hard for. A life with Elizabeth. He knew he wouldn't have found the happiness, security, and support that he had in Charlotte. Was it easy? No. Was it worthwhile? Always.

Charlotte was his unanswered prayer. For that he was certain. Nathan hoped his honesty with Elizabeth tonight would put her on the path to healing. Whatever that may look like for the woman. He needed to put Elizabeth behind him. He would always care for her and Jack's wellbeing, but it would never be something past that. He meant what he had said to Elizabeth, Charlotte's love was unlike anything he had ever felt before or would ever feel again.

The night had been eerily still since Nathan had come outside, but suddenly a chinook wind stirred, bringing a wave of warmth around him as well as a symphony of nature's sounds. He twisted and looked over his shoulder at their home. Nathan knew he had put off his next challenge long enough. He now needed to inspect and repair whatever cracks in the foundation Elizabeth had left in her stormy wake tonight.

When Nathan walked back through the front door, the air in the house seemed noticeably different. It was quiet and dark. Only the low flicker from the dying fire in the living room and a single light from the kitchen illuminated the downstairs. A clank of dinnerware drew him to investigate where the sound came from.

Quietly, entering through the dining room, he saw Charlotte stooped over the kitchen sink. She hadn't seemed to notice him come in, so Nathan crossed his arms and leaned easily against the door frame, watching his wife. Trying to read her body language in order to know how best to scale the walls she had been constructing over the past few hours. To understand how to reach her.

Charlotte's hands were submerged into the warm soapy water, fervently scrubbing away at an already sparkling clean pan. He watched her clear more of the dishes from the counter, scouring the next piece of china. He had known all evening something was wrong. Months of blissful happiness and he could feel Charlotte drawing away and it made him afraid. Afraid that he wouldn't be able to fix everything that Elizabeth had tried to break this evening. Nathan rubbed the back of his neck, working to ease the tension in his muscles as he searched for the right words.

Charlotte looked scared, defensive, and vulnerable. The same way she had when she first arrived in Hope Valley. Nathan sometimes forgot; she wasn't that far removed from the pains of her past. Charlotte was strong. The strongest woman he had ever known. And she had to be, to take unspeakable abuse and survive. Strong enough to adapt to anything. Strong enough to lock herself away inside walls she thought would make her safe. He wanted to take away the hurt, and at that moment, he didn't know how.

It was Charlotte who broke the silence. "I heard the chinook move in." Her voice was so low and soft, Nathan had barely heard her. He had thought she hadn't noticed him come back into the house or kitchen, but she obviously had. Waiting for him to break the awkwardness that had settled between them. "That will melt some of the snow."

"Yeah. They always do." Nathan shook his head. So that's what she thought they should discuss. The weather? I guess it served him right. He hadn't known either how to start the conversation, so his wife had chosen something non-committal. Something that was just run of the mill. The same kind of small talk one would find in town at the café, saloon, or mercantile. Something to hide the hurt she was experiencing.

Charlotte was washing one of their soup bowls from dinner. She pulled it out of the suds to inspect that it was clean, but seemingly unsatisfied, she returned it to the dishwater for another scrub.

"Is this your version of chopping firewood?" Nathan joked, trying to drop Charlotte's defenses, but it didn't seem to work. Instead, she straightened her shoulders and scrubbed more vigorously against the dish for a few moments longer.

"If you keep washing that bowl, it will sparkle enough you'll be able to see your reflection in it." Nathan teased again.

"I don't need to see my reflection tonight to understand how haggard and worn I must look. I have chocolate frosting stains on my blouse and my hair is all over the place," she said coldly, using the back of her arm to brush pieces of wavy hair that had fallen out of her braid, back off her face. "I'm sure this isn't what you pictured when you asked God for a wife."

Nathan's brow furrowed. How deep of a chasm had Elizabeth cut between them tonight? God, please help me build this bridge to connect us. He quickly prayed as he felt the tension growing inside her again.

"What's wrong?" He asked, hoping she would be upfront with him. "You've been very quiet."

He saw Charlotte's body stiffen, but she kept on cleaning. Her shaking hands scrubbing another dish. Only the sound of the sloshing water filling the room.

"Something's been eating at you all evening," he said, coming up behind her putting his hands around her waist as she continued washing the dinner dishes. He brushed her braid aside and kissed her neck. "What are you worrying about?"

"Nothing," she answered flatly. She didn't want to tell him about Elizabeth. She didn't want to tell him how much her confessions hurt. She knew deep down Elizabeth's words had no actual power over her relationship with Nathan, but it didn't stop Charlotte's mind from running away with everything the other woman had said and done this evening. Her insecurities were suffocating.

"Tell me." He encouraged, nuzzling her neck. "Did Elizabeth say something to upset you?" He questioned, even though he already knew the answer.

"You want to know?" she asked, unable to keep the edge out of her voice. "You really want to know what I'm worrying about?"

"Yes, if something has upset you, I want to know so we can make it right."

"I don't understand why it matters."

"It matters, because you matter."

"Fine. If you really think knowing all the gory details will make it better." Charlotte scoffed. "Although, I'm guessing you have it all figured out already. It's not some big secret." She tossed her rag into the dishwater and turned in Nathan's arms to face him for the first time since he had come back into the house. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her cheeks slightly blotched. A pang of hurt hit Nathan square in the chest.

"It's Elizabeth. And you. And what could have been." She felt his hands loosen on her waist and she looked up at him to gauge his reaction. "Until I got in the way."

When Nathan blinked and said nothing, she brushed past him to retrieve the last of the plates from the kitchen island. He caught her arm and turned her firmly around to face him.

"Please don't do this, Charlotte," he begged as his mind raced on how to soothe his wife's breaking heart. He took her in his arms, holding her there even when he felt her resistance. "I know because of your past, sometimes the smallest and most untrue things cause you to build up these walls again. But please don't do it. Not with me." Nathan brushed a wayward strand of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "You have no reason to be jealous of Elizabeth. Though I suppose, I'd be grinding my teeth if Beck had sat at our dinner table tonight and told me he would have been the better choice. That you two would have had a beautiful life together if you didn't marry me."

"That's not a possibility anymore, is it?" Charlotte's eyes grew icy, and she pushed back out of Nathan's arms. "And it's not even remotely the same thing as Elizabeth, and you know it."

"No. It's not. I'm sorry for bringing that up." He raked a hand back through his hair and held his head, wishing he had left McEntire out of it. The memory only caused Charlotte more hurt instead of healing. He seemed to be digging himself into a deeper hole and decided to try a new, simpler approach. "The point is, I love you."

"And I love you!" Charlotte cried out, jaw clenched, as she tried to hold back her emotions. "But so does Elizabeth. You can't deny that."

Nathan was silent. Not refuting Elizabeth's affections, she had, for once, so clearly declared to him earlier. His eyes lowered.

"What do I have to offer you, compared to her?" Charlotte whimpered slightly.

She wasn't going to put Nathan off that easily. "Everything." He said, tugging her braid lightly. "Don't you see that?"

"Nathan, even if I gave you everything I had, it wouldn't be enough. I don't have enough for a man like you. Not what you deserve anyway." Biting her lip, Charlotte forced the tears back.

"I don't believe that," Nathan answered, shaking his head. "You don't believe that! Those are just Elizabeth's words. Not ours!" Nathan's voice rose in anger, until he saw the hurt in Charlotte's eyes, and he gentled. Seeing her heartbreaking struggle against her emotions. He took Charlotte's hand and pressed it hard against his heart. "But, if you truly feel that way, take what you lack from me. Let what I have make the difference."

Charlotte felt petty. She knew Nathan meant every word he said to her, but so had Elizabeth and seeing them together, the four of them, had hurt. She looked up into Nathan's eyes again and couldn't doubt he loved her. He made her weak with it.

"It's just that I'm so happy," she said, her voice shaking. "I can't get over feeling that I don't deserve this."

"And you think I deserve this?"

"Yes, you deserve the world, Nathan. The whole world and a woman like Elizabeth could have given that to you."

"No, she can't. She never could, and that's why it didn't work with her."

Charlotte saw she had hurt him by expressing he would have been better off with Elizabeth and his reaction only seemed to confirm her own dark thoughts. Nathan was so sincere, and he loved her so much. She loved him, too. He had made her love him just by being Nathan. Oh God, I feel so unworthy. He deserves someone who can give him so much more. Someone who is confident and sure. Why did you let him fall in love with me?

A promise. To you. And him.

"Do you remember what you told me on the cattle drive this summer?" Nathan asked, giving her a rueful smile. "When I said that you deserved the world and I wanted to be the person who gave it to you?

Nathan felt Charlotte relax slightly in his arms at the memory, so he continued. "You, my love, told me you didn't need the world. That you were perfectly happy, right here, right now, with me. You didn't need fancy dresses or romantic candlelit dinners in some far-off place. But what we both wanted, and what we already have, is a simple life, full of love. Because that is grander than any romance novelist, or a certain Hope Valley teacher, could ever write about"

A soft, short laugh escaped Charlotte, drawing a smile across Nathan's lips.

"This," Nathan's hands slowly slide up her sides, rousing sensations from the curve of her hips, over her slender waist, to the swell of her breasts. "Is all I need to be happy. You need to know that Charlotte. I hope you know that we don't need to be anyone other than ourselves. Because that is home to me. Wherever you and Allie are is where I want to be too. You are my world and you have been since that very first day I saw you. When your soul cried out to mine, and I couldn't do anything else but answer."

"Oh, Nathan," Charlotte spun out of his arms, reluctantly creating space between them again. "Sometimes I still wish we could have met and fallen in love… before…" she paused, swallowing hard and pressing her lips tightly together, looking past him, unable to look into his eyes. "Before my past had this way of making me doubt. Of making me fear that one day you are going to wake up and realize it was all one big mistake… Loving me," she managed thickly. Her eyes burned, and she struggled to push the emotions down again.

"You and I are not a mistake." He strode toward her purposefully and caught hold of her. Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her thoroughly. When she was breathless, he relaxed his hold and grinned down at her.

"Does that set your mind at ease… Mrs. Nathan?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

She laughed and embraced him, relief and joy obliterating all the anxiety of the long evening. How the mind could torment.

"Is she alright? Elizabeth? What's wrong?" Charlotte questioned, turning back to the dishes.

"She's unhappy," he said grimly, hands shoved into his pockets as he leaned against the counter and watched Charlotte. "And she's hell bent on thinking it's everyone else's fault instead of her own."

"Including me?" She glanced back and studied him.

Nathan nodded. "What a mess," he mumbled under his breath, almost to himself. He stepped closer, picking up a towel he began to dry the dishes Charlotte had polished to perfection as he recounted every word and detail of his time outside with Elizabeth after taking Jack to the car earlier.

After he finished, they were silent for a while. Charlotte's mind swirling like a twister. A frown flickered across her brow.

Nathan turned to her and tipped her chin toward him. "Tell me."

She marveled at how he was sensitive to her every thought, but could she reveal this without again driving a wedge between them? In the end she chose to be truthful. "You still care for her, don't you?"

"Yes. But as I would anyone in this community. There's nothing romantic about it," Nathan tossed the towel he had been using over his shoulder. "I don't love her the same way I love you. Want to see the difference?"

After a few moments, now breathless and laughing, Charlotte pushed free. "You're all soggy now. Keep drying so we can finish these dishes."

Nathan took her wrist and turned her toward him. "Leave the dishes."

When he began to loosen her hair, she could scarcely breathe. She was trembling. He was shattering her with tenderness.

Combing his fingers into her hair, he tilted her head back. He saw the longing in her eyes. "I Nathan, take you, Charlotte, to be my wife. To have and to hold. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, all the days of my life."

She stood staring at him, shaken to the core. Charlotte reached forward and touched his face before her fingers trailed down to his collar and began slowly unbuttoning along his shirt. "I Charlotte, take you, Nathan, to be my husband. I promise to love and cherish you, to honor and sustain you, in sickness and in health, in poverty and wealth, in the bad that may darken our days, in the good that may lighten our ways. I promise to be true to you all the days of my life. And beyond that, God willing."

He was so handsome, but she was drawn to him for something other than that. Something unseen. Something inside Nathan that drew her like a moth to a flame. A flame that lit something deep inside her so that she felt she was becoming a part of him. He helped give her life clarity, meaning, and joy.

Later, spent from their love making, Nathan lay back and drew Charlotte to him. Lazily tracing together the freckles on her shoulder. She sighed of blissful happiness, the final anxieties of the evening evaporating in the safety and security of her husband's arms. He tucked her body closer into his and it only took a few moments for the weariness of the day to catch up with her and she gave over to sleep.

Nathan stared up to the ceiling, listening to Charlotte's breath deepening as he recounted all the gifts and blessings he had in his life. He turned his head cautiously and looked at Charlotte in the low light of the moonbeams as she curled perfectly into his side.

"Thank you, Lord, for this unanswered prayer." He whispered, his lips brushing against Charlotte's hair as he placed a featherlight kiss to her temple before he too gave over to exhaustion, closing his eyes, he slept peacefully.

*Again, just over here trying to keep this story "real". Showing hurts, comparison, doubts, insecurities, seasons of waiting, unanswered prayers, anger, and ultimately love~ Devine love and the love between husband and wife. Sometimes you have to live through the "ugly" and challenging to see the real beauty in life.

Thank you all for letting me share a bit more of my heart and faith in these last few chapters (and not the most flattering Elizabeth- sorry about that for all those E lovers out there).

A couple things I want to leave with… These are a few quotes I have saved to the lock screen on my phone, that based on some reviews over the last few chapters… I thought may be worthwhile to share for those of you who may need a little extra support/love/inspiration too. Think of them as a hug from me to you. A friend if you ever need one. Just like you have all become such wonderful friends to me over the months of bringing this story to life.

"Take heart. Someday you will see the beauty in your seasons of waiting."

"God doesn't always give us immediately what we ask for, and in fact, he compels us to ask again and again. The Lord wants to stretch us, expanding our desire so as to receive the gift he desires to give us. If we got everything we wanted, right away and without effort, we wouldn't appreciate what we've received, and we wouldn't really be capable of taking it in."

"Trust trading our will for 'Thy Will'" ~Lysa Terkeurst

"God doesn't expect us to handle this. He wants us to hand this over to Him." ~Lysa Terkeurst

"God loves us too much to answer our prayers at any other time than the right time and in any other way than the right way." ~Lysa Terkeurst

I'm sorry some of these don't have an author credit to them. They are just random lines that I have saved over the years through things friends have forwarded or I have found in Bible reflections or studies. All the quotes from Lysa Terkeurst are from her book 'It's Not Supposed To Be This Way'. Another Christian book I have found a lot of comfort in over the years and suggest to anyone who found "something" a little deeper in these past chapters.

Next up (when I get a little extra time to write) … A very special Mountie Ball! I think it will be fun y'all!