Chapter 140- His Music

*Okay… I'm back on the road tomorrow morning for my paying job, so we have reached the end of my daily updates for the time being. Which also means we've reached the end of what I term the (super) sad chapters for the Grants. We are not to the finale yet, but I do believe by the end of this posting, we start to see a glimmer of hope and light. - I can hear the collective sigh of relief!

I know these last few chapters have been hard. Believe me, they are hard for me to write to, and I know what is coming down the line. I appreciate you all for trusting me enough with this story. Things seem bleak and hard, but that is also the world we live in. How many times when life is difficult does it seem like we get buried with more and more despair. It may seem more than we can handle, and we start to question our faith in God.

And that's why I've written these chapters. These characters may be fiction, but I want them to tell a story. To mean something more. To be a glimmer of hope for those of you out there who may feel the same struggles as the Grant family. Personally, I lean heavily into my faith in those times, and that is what I will bring out in this chapter as well- if that's not your thing, I understand, but I wanted to be upfront about it here in my rambling author notes.

Warning- this first section- It is SAD Nathan. I would almost go as far as saying depressed. I understand that can be a really hard way to read this beloved character and while I think that section is important to the overall arc of this chapter and story, I understand if you need to skip it. Jump down to where Bill comes in- He's always good for some comedic relief, which I made sure to add in.

The next weeks were the worst days of Nathan's life. He wandered in an empty world, void of feeling except for pain. The house was empty, Allie's bedroom was empty, but worst of all he felt his life was empty as well.

Nathan knew Charlotte was worried about him, but he really couldn't make himself care. His headaches were back. He had lost weight, which was not surprising. He wasn't eating. He couldn't sleep. He just lay in bed at night, wondering what was happening to Allie.

Thankfully Dylan had kept to his word and regular letters came from Allie in Edmonton as well as their weekly phone call on Wednesday. She seemed to be doing fine and settling in. The apartment they lived in was on the third floor of a building that wasn't far from Dylan's work at the warehouse. Allie had built a quick connection with Mr. and Mrs. Cody, the elderly couple who owned the general store on the first floor and lived in the apartment on the second floor of the same brick building. They took her to church with them on Sundays and had even offered her a job through the week. Allie washed windows and swept out the store. She stacked canned goods and folded red flannel shirts. She hung tack on the walls and carried boxes in from the storeroom and stocked the shelves behind the counters. She rearranged the fabric bolts, standing them up rather than stacking them so they were easier to handle. This last Wednesday, she had measured out beans into five-pound sacks, tied and stacked them and joked with Nathan and Charlotte that if she saw another bean again in her life it would be too soon.

Allie was thankful for the work to occupy her day and she said that Mr. and Mrs. Cody were more than fair with their pay. Giving her the wages she'd earned at the end of every day. Nathan and Charlotte were just thankful it seemed that there were kind people in Edmonton that were looking out for Allie's wellbeing when they couldn't be with her themselves. Nathan didn't know if the weekly calls were a blessing or a curse. For the few minutes he could talk to Allie, his heart seemed to beat again, but as soon as the call ended, it all seemed like a cruel joke.

He didn't read, he didn't play his guitar, he didn't start a record on the gramophone. There was little to do at home. He didn't feel inspired to make new things in his workshop and Charlotte tended to the house, horses, and garden during the days when she stayed at the ranch. Joseph came to see him, wondering if Nathan could help him with a few new projects they had lined up for the construction company. But Nathan put him off with some evasive answer.

The only job Nathan took to was chopping wood. Not because he found pleasure in it, but because it was something to do. He almost always tried to do his rounds with Newton instead of driving the car. He stayed out on the trails for longer and longer stretches of time. It got him away from the town and he would not need to try to act civil to other people, especially the ones who stopped him on the street to ask how he and Charlotte were doing.

Nathan and Charlotte were not the only ones seeming to be struggling. Maise, with her sickness, didn't understand why Allie didn't come and see them anymore. Archie tried his best to explain, but usually it would only cause Maise to become more agitated and upset.

Grace and Chuck had returned to Brookfield from England. Even with their help, there seemed to be no way to stop the suspension of the orphanage's license from the children's society. With trying to prove their innocence in the charges brought against New Hope, and at the same time, preparing the children to be placed with new caretakers, Gabe and Lillian had made the decision to indefinitely postpone their wedding that had been set for the end of the month.

Nathan and Charlotte received a letter from Warren. They had sent word to him about Dylan's return into their lives and him fighting for custody of Allie. To say Tremblay was upset would be an understatement. He implored the Grants to let him know how he could help in any way. He finished his letter, as he usually did, telling Nathan some of the cases he had been working on. After an uneventful spring, in the past couple months there had been reports of someone trading illegal liquor to the Cree people in Warren's territory. Tremblay didn't know yet all the details of who it was or where they were working, or if there was more than one, but he had clearly seen the fallout of the action, including more theft, a few domestic violence cases, and even a stabbing caused from a drunken altercation. Thankfully, Warren had been able to tend to the victim and he was to make a full recovery.

The Coulters also weren't without their own sudden string of hardships. Rosemary's editorial on Allie's custody trial and the 'scathing' conduct of not only Judge Cameron, but also Seth Drake, took off. Quickly finding republication in other regional papers, making it all the way into the Union City Herald, before Rosemary and the Valley Voice were served with papers requiring her to retract the story immediately with a formal apology or face legal charges on the grounds of defamation.

At around the same time, Lee received a letter from Alberta's Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry informing him that his renewal of his public land timber leases had been denied and he would be required to vacate those parcels of land within the next thirty days. The largest portion of Lee's lumber was milled from the trees he cut on the public lands he leased. Without them, he wouldn't be able to keep up with his orders that were contracted out almost a year, including those with Archie and Joseph's construction company. Lee had some private land he had purchased through the years and other parcels he leased from private landowners in the area, but it still wouldn't be enough timber to keep the mill running at full capacity and maintain production. He and Rosemary had told a few people they trusted about the mill's problem. They knew if word got out there would be unrest in Hope Valley. The mill was the community's largest employer. So many people's livelihoods relied on its prosperity and growth. As mayor, Lee was putting plenty of pressure on himself to see that his employees would be taken care of, and Hope Valley continued to be a place where they could grow their families.

It all seemed… Heavy. At times over the past few weeks, Nathan had tried to pray, but God seemed far away. He knew it wasn't God's fault. God hadn't moved. Nathan had. He no longer felt close to Him. He couldn't understand how God could have let this happen.

Nathan didn't even feel close to Charlotte. She quietly went about her daily tasks. Nathan tended to his. She tried to communicate, to hold him, to get Nathan to talk it out, but he resisted, putting her off with one flimsy excuse or another. She turned to spending more time with the children of the community. Giving more riding lessons, even doing a summer class or two each week. Her free time in town was spent at the Coulters, doting on Baby Patricia.

Repeatedly, Charlotte tried to convince Nathan to join her and the kids in their various activities, but he always found reasons to say no. Where before Nathan enjoyed their play and laughter, now it was only a cruel reminder they had no children of their own.

"Looks like you chopped enough wood for two winters."

Nathan looked up from his stack of split logs to see his wife standing at the edge of the boardwalk watching him work through a pile of wood beside the RCMP office. It was a breezy day, and the wind whipped erratically around the building. Nathan had to keep pushing his hair back out of his face to see what he was doing. The irritation seemed to be putting him in an even fouler mood.

"Yep." Was his simple response.

"You just suddenly have the urge to chop wood? In the middle of summer?"

"What are you getting at here?" He snapped.

"Just making conversation."

"Well, I'm a little busy."

"Well, fair enough." Charlotte stepped down off the boardwalk to join Nathan where he was working. Bending down to grab a piece of wood from the pile and placing it on a block.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm helping you."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I just suddenly have the urge to chop wood."

"Thank you, but I don't need your help. Just like I don't need people in town walking on eggshells around me, okay?"

"First off, I'm your wife, so none of what you just said applies to me. Got it?" Charlotte waved her finger at him. "Second, I'm going to help you anyway." She picked up the extra ax that was leaning nearby and took her first swing, splitting the log in two. "Goodness, I had forgotten how therapeutic this could be." She picked up a second log and swung again. "I was just on my way by after visiting the Coulters. Lee and Rosemary are leaving this afternoon on an overnight trip to Union City. They have some business things to attend to." Charlotte hoped Nathan understood what she was trying to say. Since they were in a public area, she didn't want to say aloud that the 'business things' were a visit to the bank that Lee had worked with in the past. The Coulters were trying to find out what their options were for the mill and its finances with the loss of the public lumber leases. "They are taking Fred with them as Rosemary wants to get him some new clothes before school starts next month. He's grown so much this summer."

Nathan didn't try to make small talk, he simply kept chopping wood beside his wife.

"Rosemary asked if you and I would be willing to take care of Patricia tonight while they are away. She said she could bring her to your office later, on their way to the train station. I said that we would love to watch her."

"Of course, you did."

Charlotte had been leaning forward to pick up the split pieces of wood. She straightened slowly. A frown flickered across her brow. "What does that mean?"

"It means exactly what I said. Of course, you agreed to watch Patricia."

"No. I'm not talking necessarily about what you said, but how you said it. Do you not want us to take care of her tonight?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm just saying since Allie's left, you've been filling a lot of your time with other children, especially Patricia."

"I'm their teacher, Nathan. And with everything going on with the Coulters I'm trying to lend a helping hand where I can. Just like they have done for us."

"Just seems to me you're trying to replace Allie with a baby."

"You can't be serious." Charlotte gasped. She couldn't hide her shock of what Nathan was saying. "What in the world ever gave you that idea? Did I say something or do something that made you think there was any truth to that statement?"

Nathan didn't answer her. Deep down, he knew he was wrong. He just wasn't ready to admit it.

"I'm sorry if anything I've done over the past few weeks has made you believe that, but maybe if you would just talk to me…" Charlotte's voice cracked. "Instead of pushing me away…"

She waited for him to say something. Anything. When he didn't, she felt her heart crumbling.

"Okay," she said, shaking her head in dejection, setting aside the ax and wood. "Well, you and yourself enjoy chopping wood together. I'll see you later."

"Charlotte." Bill said in surprise as she walked into his office, slamming the door behind her. "What's wrong?"

"Everything. Absolutely everything." Tears began to stream down her face. "Why is it I married the most infuriating man God ever created?"

"You don't mean that."

"Today, I do! He won't talk to me, Bill. He won't open up to me. He's not eating. He's not sleeping. His headaches are back. I'm worried about him. But he won't let me help him. He won't let me in."

Bill came around the edge of his desk to Charlotte. Before he could direct her to sit in the chair beside them, Charlotte threw her arms around him burying her tear-stained, snotty face into the lapels of his suit jacket. Bill held her for a moment until her crying slowed and Charlotte leaned back out of his arms, pulling the silk handkerchief from his breast pocket she blew her nose into it and settled into the chair by his desk. "Oh Bill, what am I going to do?"

Bill took a deep breath and went to sit in his own chair across from Charlotte. "Did Nathan ever tell you I was married once?"

"Just in passing, yes. Her name was Nora, right?"

Bill nodded his head. "When I lost my parents, Nora's father, Jonas Wilder, he took me in, made sure I was taken care of, paid for my schooling. Nora fell in love with a drifter. She eloped with him. He deserted her with child, and I married her out of duty to her father, to protect her honor."

Charlotte's mind swirled. Remembering back to when she first arrived in Hope Valley over two years ago, in a very similar situation, and Nathan had tried to do the same for her as what Bill had done for Nora.

"She had a boy and I raised him as if he were my own son."

"I didn't know you had a son!"

"Martin. With him, I thought Nora and I could have a life together. A happy one." Bill looked over Charlotte's shoulder, out the window of his office as if watching the memories of his past play out in front of him. "But when Martin died… we were both devastated. And Nora… changed."

Charlotte again blew her nose loudly into Bill's handkerchief causing a muscle to jerk in his jaw.

"I didn't give up on her, but we couldn't even speak to one another without fighting. I did everything I could to make things right, but one night after being gone for a mission with the Mounties, I returned home to find Nora gone. She disappeared for nearly two years, and when I finally found her, she was living with her father. She said the marriage was over for her, and she wanted a divorce and didn't want to see me."

"Bill, if you're telling me this story to make me feel better about what Nathan and I are experiencing, I hate to tell you, but it's really not working."

Bill chuckled lightly to himself. "Yeah. I guess I'm not the one you should probably be talking to about marriage advice."

"I didn't come for marriage advice; I came for Nathan advice. You're one of his closest friends. You've been a father figure to him for years. I was hoping you'd have an idea on how I can get through to him."

"We all process grief differently. For Nora and I, Martin was what brought us together. In all the years of marriage, he was the glue between us. Looking back, we loved each other, sure, but it was our love of Martin that kept us married. When he was gone, no matter how hard both of us tried or didn't try, our connecting piece was gone."

"Allie was our connecting piece. What if now that she's gone…" Charlotte couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

"Allie was maybe what brought you together… at first. What you and Nathan share, it goes deeper than just one person. You'll get through this. I think for so long it was just Nathan and Allie. He did everything for that girl and now… maybe he's lost a little of his purpose in life and he's trying to find his way again."

"It's not like I can just replace what Allie meant to us and give him a new purpose. That's part of what we were just fighting about. I miss her so much, too. I didn't realize how big of a piece she became in my life until all I have left is this gaping hole in our lives where she used to be. I can't even imagine what Nathan's looks like."

"I'm sorry, Charlotte. I'm sorry my mistakes have caused this."

Charlotte reached over and took his hand across the desk. "No one is blaming you for what happened."

"I am. If the papers would have been filed correctly, Allie would still be here. It's been making me reconsider a few things in my own life."

"What on earth do you mean?"

"How can I be a judge anymore if I can't even do something this simple and straightforward. I failed Nathan, but most of all I failed Allie."

"Bill, this isn't you talking. Where did this come from?"

Bill scoffed. "Drake."

"Seth Drake? When did he say those things to you?"

"The night of Allie's custody trial. The night before she left. I went to see him at his room in the Queen of Hearts. To try and talk some sense into him. He had seemed like a reasonable person at the trial when he convinced Parks to let Allie come back to Hope Valley. And who knows, maybe he would have been if he hadn't been drinking that night."

Charlotte's body shivered violently thinking about what could have possibly become of her if she had gone through with her plan to visit Drake.

"He said that I was a sorry excuse for a judge if I couldn't even do something as simple as making sure that an adoption, as easy and straightforward as this one, wasn't ironclad. He's right. There shouldn't have been any way for Dylan to reclaim custody to Allie. I swore I had everything right. The probate records, birth certificate, amended birth certificate, and court petitions. I had Nathan sign everything necessary and all I needed to do was file with the county and then about 90 days after that the adoption would become official."

"And you swear that you filed with the county?"

"I thought I had, but… with everything going on at that time with the Mountie inquiry with Nathan, Ned and Florence's wedding, Elizabeth and her sketchy choice in men and stepfathers for my godson, and the Mounties wanting me to return my serge, I'll admit I'm not quite sure."

"For weeks you've been saying that things aren't adding up here. With Cameron being the presiding judge for the trial, Dylan happening to find some hot shot lawyer willing to take on his case for free, you're right. It just seems like too many coincidences."

"What are you saying? That you think someone tampered with my paperwork."

Charlotte rose out of the chair and headed towards the door. "What I'm saying Bill is that you were one of the top investigators the Mounties ever had. Maybe Drake was right. It's time we stop looking at this case as a judge and parents and go back to what you and Nathan were trained to do… Investigate."

Charlotte took her leave out the door, but before she closed it completely, she peeked back in. "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to give you this back." She held out his now soiled handkerchief.

"No. No. You just go ahead and keep that. Consider it my gift."

"Look who's ready to spend some time with her Uncle Nathan."

Rosemary Coulter waltzed in through the door of the RCMP office. Her daughter in one arm and two travel bags tucked under the other. She dropped the bags in the center of Nathan's desk, causing reports and papers to fly in all different directions.

"Rosemary, can't you see I'm busy here. I'm trying to finish some things. Why doesn't Charlotte or someone else watch Patricia for the next couple hours until I'm done."

"Why did you spend all afternoon chopping wood then if you were so busy?"

Nathan glared at the woman. It seemed Rosemary Coulter was not letting him off the hook that easily.

"It's just…" Nathan stuttered trying to find the words. "It's just I'm busy with my job and then trying to figure out how to get my daughter back. I really don't think I should be taking care of a baby right now on top of everything else. It's probably a good thing Charlotte and I can't have kids. With everything going on I don't know how we'd be able to handle it."

"You make time. You make time for the things that are important in your life. There's no perfect time to bring a child into this world, Nathan. You ride the ups and downs life gives you together as a family."

"Problems with your businesses are not the same thing as having your daughter taken from you."

"You're right, Nathan. I don't know what Lee, or I would be doing if what is happening with Allie was happening with Fred. It's unfair and I'm sorry. If you want me to find someone else to watch Patricia, I will."

Nathan ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I just can't seem to do anything right, right now. Charlotte and I had a fight this afternoon…"

"Nathan, stop." Rosemary held up her hand. "You're allowed to feel things, but you don't have to feel them alone. You don't have to process this all by yourself. Your wife. She loves you. She's hurting right now about Allie, but what's really hurting her is that you are pushing her away. She shouldn't have to be alone in this any more than you do. Lean on her. Lean on God."

Nathan tried to swallow the lump in his throat. How was he supposed to do that, when they both seemed so far away at the moment?

"Here, take Patricia. She's getting heavy." Rosemary passed her daughter across the desk to Nathan and then sat down in the chair before him. "Did I ever tell you that my father was a Mountie too?"

Nathan shook his head, trying to push aside the warmth building in his heart at the way Patricia instantly snuggled into his chest.

"I'm going to tell you what I told Allie a few weeks ago when she and I were having a chat. As two Mountie's daughters we found we have a lot in common. We understand the pressures you have with the job. To protect the people. To keep them safe. Maintain order. It's important to you. That feeling though doesn't just stop for the community you serve; it also is deeply embedded into who you are to your family. And when things are outside of your control, nothing is going right, and your mission starts to fall apart, what did the Mounties train you to do?"

Rosemary waited for him to answer. She didn't care how long they had to sit in the uncomfortable silence that stretched between them.

"To take a step back and regroup. Get to the base of the mission and if necessary, find a new route or plan."

"Exactly! Very good, Sergeant Grant!" Rosemary stood and rounded the corner of Nathan's desk. "When I was coming this way, I saw Charlotte leaving Bill's office heading towards the row houses. I'm assuming you know where she's going." Rosemary scooped up her daughter from Nathan's arms and grabbed their travel bags. "I'll take Patricia over to Fiona next door. I'm sure she will be happy to watch the baby while you and your wife… regroup."

"Charlotte."

At the sound of her name, Charlotte twisted slightly on the log to see Nathan on the path. "Hi."

"Hi." He answered, giving her a reserved smile as he came closer. "May I?" He pointed at the spot on the log beside her.

"Of course."

He removed his high leather Strathcona boots and socks, cuffed the bottom of his trousers and swung his legs around to place them in the water besides hers. They were silent a while before he leaned over, pressing his shoulder to hers. "Remember what happened the last time we soaked our feet in some cold mountain water?" His eyebrow wiggled earning a laugh from his wife at the memory of their day at the meadow and lake celebrating their anniversary in June. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Be careful, Sarge. Or I'll push you in again."

"Hah! I knew it. You did push me."

"Maybe…" She teased with a twinkle of mischief in her eye.

"Charlie, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier. I know you were just trying to help. And not just by chopping wood. I know for weeks now; you've been trying to reach out to me. To help me, but I've resisted accepting it. I pushed you away and you didn't deserve that."

Charlotte took his hand into hers and squeezed it. Letting him know her forgiveness was already his.

"With all that is going on with Allie, and everyone else we care about, I've just been wondering where is God in all of this? It feels like He's forgotten us. In your words… I can't hear His music anymore. And that's a scary place for me to be. I feel anger towards Him. I know I shouldn't, but I do. For a God who claims to love us, why is He letting these things happen? I thought He's supposed to shield us, care for us, but we're hurting. Since Allie left, I feel this all-consuming emptiness."

Charlotte moved then to wrap an arm around his waist, kissing his jaw before leaning her head on his shoulder. "Thank you for talking to me about this. I don't have all the answers, Nathan. I doubt we ever will. And I don't know if it is a comfort to you to know that I've been there too. So many times. I'm not claiming my hurt is the same as yours, because that's an unfair assumption. What I do know is I want to be there for you, in any way I can. In any way you'll let me. And I think God wants to do the same for you. If you let Him."

Nathan nodded his head in agreement. His wife was right. Perhaps it wasn't so much the absence of Allie that was making his life so miserable the past weeks, but the absence of God's presence.

Nathan had been bitter and resentful for what he had viewed as God's abandonment. He was angry with Him because he and Charlotte had not borne a child. He was angry with God for taking from him the child he had in Allie. But Nathan realized he had no right to blame God. He couldn't be held accountable for Dylan's decision to return for Allie. He couldn't be blamed for the legal systems view of what was right and wrong. And how did Nathan know that these actions might not be for the best? What he did know was that God was in charge of his life. He knew what was good for him, and Nathan needed to understand that in His great love for him, He would comfort and sustain him through this devastating loss.

Nathan and Charlotte stayed a while longer at the stream, talking and praying, before walking together back to town to pick up Patricia from Fiona and head home for the night. As they walked up the front porch steps of the house, Charlotte handed the baby and her bags to Nathan.

"Here, you two head inside and get settled. There's something I want to do in the barn. I'll be back in a while. Why don't you take Patricia inside and give her a bath for the night?"

"But… I don't know how."

"You can manage. How hard can it be? You're a Mountie after all." Charlotte had already started across the yard. She called back over her shoulder to her baffled husband. "Babysitting was a part of your training, wasn't it?"

Nathan conceded, but by the time he finished with Patricia's bath sometime later, he had determined he had bathed just as much as the baby did with as wet and soapy as his Henley shirt was. He fumbled through putting on her diaper and little, clean clothes, all the while he could hear Charlotte coming and going downstairs. Rummaging through the utensil drawer in the kitchen, and what sounded like nailing something on the porch.

When he came downstairs with a fresh smelling Patricia, he called out. "Charlie! Where are you?"

"I'm out here in the swing. Why don't you two come join me?"

Nathan pushed open the screen door and saw his wife's relaxed posture, her legs pulled up underneath of her, lost in the easy sway of the swing.

"What were you doing out here, while you left me to fend for myself with this little one?"

Charlotte glanced over at him and laughed. "Who bathed who, Sarge?" She reached for the child and brought her into her arms while Nathan sat beside them.

"I think the evidence speaks for itself." He chuckled. "But you didn't answer my question. What were you doing out here? Sounded like you were trying to tear the place down around us."

"I had a quick little project I needed to do."

"A project? What kind of project?"

Charlotte tipped her head in the direction of the porch eaves, and it was then Nathan noticed it. Hanging together by a few strings of fishing line were metal scraps, utensils, nails, and even a couple worn horseshoes. A breeze came up, stirring the windchime's pieces together, creating a secret symphony of pleasant ringing.

"In Isaiah there is a verse that says- For you shall go out with joy and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. I thought we could both use a little reminder that God's music, it's always with us." She said, smiling up at him. "No matter where we go. Or how far away we feel from Him, His gentle breeze keeps reminding us He's right there with us every step of the way."

Nathan felt weak and he struggled to swallow. "Thank you." He finally managed to say.

"Nate, I know it's hard to look for the joy in life right now and even the peace. And I know there still will be days ahead when we question our faith, and we struggle to find the blessings in life. The things that we should be thankful for. Today, I'm making sure God knows I'm thankful for you. And I am Sarge. Even though you infuriate me some days, like I'm sure I do to you in return, I'm thanking God for putting you in my life. I hope you know how special you are to me and how much I love you. I know this wind chime isn't much, it's not big or extravagant, but I hope it means something to you. I hope it reminds you constantly about not only my love for you, but His too."