Chapter 42 – Pain and Relations

I felt like I was falling. My body jerked beneath me, yanking me awake. This sometimes happened to me when it had been a particularly restless night. I was breathing heavily and didn't really know why. The heart in my chest was racing. Probably because of the shock my body had just given me. I widened my eyes to escape the darkness, only to be confronted with it again immediately.

The room I was lying in was gloomy except for the dim lights coming in through the opposite window. Someone had drawn the curtain aside and closed the window. Wherever the light was coming from ... When I stared outside, I saw no less darkness than inside. Again, I was lying in the strange bed in the strange room from which I had tried unsuccessfully to escape. Just the thought of this pathetic attempt made my cheeks blush. What delirium must I have been in to act so rashly and thoughtlessly? I had risked my life unnecessarily.

A soft gasp escaped my lips as I shifted my body to the side and my right hand automatically went down to the bandage wrapped around my waist. I barely remembered how Jace had brought me back here. I must have passed out on the way. Maybe it was better that way. All I knew was that they drugged me again. I could feel it in my limbs, albeit a lot weaker than last time.

As my eyes adjusted to the blackness, I scanned the room. I stopped when I made out the shape of a figure on the right side of my bed. My heart gave a startled leap and I moved in the opposite direction. Blood pounded in my veins as my left hand slid to the bedside table, hoping to find the water bottle. My fingers met nothing but unresisting air.

The figure made an abrupt movement and I almost fell backwards out of bed when I realized that it had been leaning on the edge of the mattress the entire time. I could hear the oxygen rushing into my lungs in a sharp draught and I was sure the person heard it too. Before I could even open my mouth, he began to speak.

"Clary, it's me," Jace whispered into the darkness and I couldn't suppress a sigh of relief.

"Damn it, Jace, I was so close to snapping your neck," I cursed, my voice shaking, and shifted back to my old position. The words came out hoarse and weak, suggesting I probably wouldn't have been able to put them into action if I'd wanted to.

Jace's body shook as he laughed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Must have fallen asleep."

"What are you doing here?" I asked confused, slowly leaning back against the pillows. I tried to make out Jace's shadow, but it was almost impossible with the darkness in the room. He had to sit on a chair next to the bed. The thought that he had sat here all night made my throat tighten.

"After you woke up so unexpectedly from your last anesthetic, the Silent Brothers felt it would be better if someone stayed with you," Jace said in a low voice, as if there was someone else he didn't want to wake. "Also because you reacted very panicked."

"Didn't anyone volunteer or why were you sentenced to do it?" I tried to joke, but couldn't manage to fake the amusement in my tone. I couldn't imagine anyone happily spending the whole night here.

"Actually, I volunteered," Jace admitted, and I could hear him reluctant to reveal that fact.

My brows shot up in question before I realized he couldn't see me in the dark. "How come?"

Jace shrugged and moved his chair over to me. His arms rested on the edge of the bed and he was hunched over as he sat. "I feel obliged to be here."

He shouldn't be here just because he feels obligated, said a voice in my head that sounded almost disappointed. "I wanted to thank you again," I murmured instead, lowering my head to the dark blanket that covered my body. I could feel the warmth of his arms through the fabric. "I don't remember much, but I know that without your efforts I would be dead now."

Jace snorted. "You wouldn't be in this position without me." There was bitterness in his words.

"But I am," I hissed angrily and almost instinctively pressed the palm of my hand to the bandage over my stomach. Irritation seemed to cause pain in my body. "And your self-pity can't change that either. So just accept it."

Jace said nothing. I couldn't tell if I upset him, but I didn't really care right now. I used my fingers to gently run over the bump under the bandage where the spike had pierced me. The throbbing of my skin gave me a mild, uncomfortable dizziness.

"Seeing you on the roof yesterday," Jace yielded suddenly, and it made me look up. Something in his voice had changed. I couldn't see it, but I was sure his eyes were on me. As mine were on him. An image of his face appeared in my head, with the starry sky of Idris behind him. His voice reminded me of that moment there under the stars. As if he were completely beside himself. "I have no idea how, but somehow I made it to Alicante in time. I was afraid that the Silent Brothers wouldn't take the situation seriously, but fortunately that wasn't the case. You were so close to dying in my arms that I felt prepared for anything else. Then I see you on the edge of that damn roof half a day later and I was just waiting for you to fall because you can't escape death that close twice in a row."

"I couldn't think straight," I replied, squeezing his hand. I didn't know how my fingers found his. "I was alone when I woke up. Closed door, no sign of my valuables or any sign of life from you. I thought my father had somehow caught us on our way to Alicante. All I could think about was getting out of here."

"In hindsight, I also realize how stupid it was to leave you all alone," Jace admitted. He turned his hand so our palms touched. I didn't dare interlace my fingers with his and he didn't seem to consider it either. The touch was enough. I felt him and he felt me, our fingers didn't have to close around each other. "Izzy and I were on our way to check on you. Probably not soon enough. You gave me quite a scare."

"What happened after you reached Alicante?" I asked, ignoring his confession. If my memories weren't failing me, he had confessed even more to me that night under the stars. I need you. Had he really just been referring to my strength in the inevitable fight against Jonathan? The expression in his golden eyes, which my brain dug up from the farthest corner of my memory, had spoken a different language. First that crushing panic in his eyes, and now this acknowledgment of his fear.

"Not much," Jace admitted after a second of silence, his shirt wrinkling as if he was shrugging. His tone was more distant and composed, as if he didn't want me to see behind his facade; like so often. But because of the darkness around us, I couldn't make out the mask on his face anyway. "The Silent Brothers treated your injury, Imogen freaked out, and Isabelle nearly ripped my head off."

I giggled and the vibration of my laughter resulted in a lightning bolt of pain coursing through my stomach. A flinch ran through my body, and I pressed my lips together to keep from gasping. With my fingers still touching Jace's, there was no point in hiding the pain from him. He sighed. "I don't understand why you keep trying to pretend," he remarked quietly. "I know you're in pain. There's no reason to hide it."

"We are Shadowhunters," I murmured, quoting Valentine's words. "Pain makes us weak."

"Pain makes us human," Jace reminded in a tone that seemed to come from far away, as if deep in thought. His warm fingers closed around mine and I let him. "Shadowhunters are half mortal, we must never forget that."

I wondered if he was aware of the depth of my father's trauma. By now, it had become clear to me that it was actually a trauma. The things he had taught Jonathan and I was neither moral nor had it been appropriate for our age. The mindset he had made us internalize was poisonous and twisted and a false image of this world. It didn't change the fact that it wasn't easy for me to break away from it. After all, my father's teachings were all I was. Without them I was insignificant. A nobody. At a disadvantage, inferior, weak.

"Why did Imogen freak out?" I asked, changing the subject. I wasn't good at speaking openly.

Jace jumped on my train, even though I sensed he would remember. He had watched my every move and reaction from the start. "Partly because of the demon attack. She is beside herself that Valentine's one step ahead of her again. Partly because today is the Clave meeting where you should have presented the results of your negotiation with Luke and the Shadowworlders."

I bolted out of bed, ignoring the pain and groans. If black dots danced in front of my vision, they were one with the rest of the darkness that surrounded us. Jace jumped to his feet in shock and his hand went to my shoulder, though I didn't know what he was expecting from it. "The Clave meeting," it slipped frantically from my lips. "I completely forgot about that."

"Are you crazy?" Jace hissed, pushing me back into the pillows with enough strength that I had no choice but to comply. "You are nowhere near in the right condition to go to the Clave. Besides, it's the middle of the night."

My eyes darted to the shadow of the window and a sigh left my mouth. "By today you mean the day that's coming?"

"You're sick, Clary," Jace said firmly. "You almost died. Twice. You're in no shape to go to the Clave meeting even if it was in a week."

He exaggerated. The pain pulsing through my stomach wall told me to listen anyway. "How bad is it?" I then asked, stir driving the exhaustion out of my voice. "How bad am I hurt?"

Jace gritted his teeth and almost sighed in frustration. "Let's put it this way: I have no idea how the Silent Brothers could breathe life back into you. Your injury was so bad that they first put you into a kind of subeth so you wouldn't notice the pain. Then, when it started to get better, they filled you up with morphine that should have put you out of action for days. But miraculously you wake up a little later, almost falling off a roof and not even really high."

"Do the Brothers know why?" Not that I really cared. If the drug had worked as expected, I probably would still have been unconscious by morning. If it weren't for the pain, I'd even be grateful.

Jace seemed to shake his head, but I couldn't be sure. He was closer to me than before and had sat down next to me on the bed, his left hand still gently on my shoulder. If he sat a little further towards me, our hips would touch. Was it the drug or why were those thoughts going through my head? "They suspect it's because of the amount of angel blood in your body. I offered to let them give me the same amount to test the theory, but given the circumstances, they weren't too keen on it."

Another giggle escaped my lips and this time I tried to keep my body as still as possible. It didn't help much, but I got used to pushing the pain away as the days went by. "Perhaps we should be glad that the Silent Brothers have no interest in treating us like lab rats. Of all the Shadowhunters, knowledge of us would serve them the most."

"You should laugh more, you know that?" Jace said with sudden seriousness, but there was something else in his tone. Affection. I could practically hear his smile. His fingers softly stroked my shoulder – absently. "I can't even remember if I ever heard you laugh."

I knew he meant well and I felt my cheeks flush, but for some reason his words reminded me of Jonathan. The closeness between us suddenly seemed wrong to me. I slowly turned my head in the opposite direction. "I'm sure it's just the rest of the morphine," I murmured, and the coldness in my voice made the hairs on the back of my neck jump. "Only the happy laugh and I'm not one of them." Was I allowed to be happy while my brother was in agony? What would be the penalty for my ignorance?

"Everyone deserves to be happy, Clary," Jace whispered, squeezing my shoulder before pulling away from me and sitting back in the chair. "You of all people."

"Sleep now," he instructed me after a while of silence. "You need the rest."

I tried to convince myself that the melancholy tone in Jace's voice was nothing but imagination.

oOo

"You can't stop me from attending the Clave meeting," I hissed in Jace's face, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"You're in no shape," Jace replied in the same venomous tone. He was circling the bed, his petrified golden eyes glaring at me like he was about to tear me apart. "Did you understand a word of what Brother Shadrach just said?"

Of course, I had understood what Brother Shadrach had urged me to do. I just didn't care. The moment he had closed the door behind him when he had left the room an hour ago, I had started planning my presentation to the Clave. I would attend the session even if the Brotherhood advised against it. It was my duty, not only to Luke. I had to prevent Valentine from destroying the alliance between Shadowhunters and Shadowworlders. Unless I could persuade the Clave that we needed to make more concessions to our allies, my mother's death would have been for nothing. My father wanted to divide the Underworld, he wanted to isolate the Shadowhunters, and they were too blind, too proud to accept their years of ignorance as truth.

"I'm going to that Clave meeting and nothing in this world is going to stop me," I growled, jumping off the bed. My legs were shaking and would have given way if Jace hadn't grabbed my arms to hold me steady. Our faces were so close I could see the dark dots in his golden pupils staring at me in anger. When I felt my legs under control, I jerked away from Jace and took a step past him. "Not you, and not that damn body that thinks it might step out of line. It could collapse now and I would still drag it all the way to the Gard. I always get what I want and I don't accept weakness."

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Jace snapped, trying to get in my way.

"If that's the consequence, then so be it!" I grabbed my stele from his weapon-belt. Had he wanted to give it back to me or was it still hanging there since the demon attack? The adamas burned like wax from a candle that had just been blown out. I drew the Iratze and was relieved that although it didn't take the pain away from me, it could provide me with some reserves of strength. Jace's face twisted into an angry mask and he opened his mouth as he stared at the Iratze, but I cut him off before he could get his first word out. "Now go away, I want to change."

His expression darkened and he seemed to quarrel with himself for a second, then turned on his heel and slammed the door shut with such intensity that I winced.

oOo

An hour later we stood under the high arch of the gates that led into the Gard. We were late. The entrance hall was crowded with Shadowhunters. Jace's anger spread toward me like a heat wave. His features were constrained in a neutral mask, but his eyes sparkled. I ignored him as I had on my way here and scanned the small groups that had formed in the foyer.

In one slow movement, I pulled the hood of my winter coat off my head and shook out my hair. I forced my feet forward and entered the Gard. Every step was agony, which I skillfully tried to push aside. Good, I thought to myself, because as soon as the Nephilim noticed me, many of them turned in our direction. The scene brought back memories of my interrogation, which had also taken place here at the Gard.

I pressed my lips together, lifted my head and walked straight between the staring eyes. I had a harder time ignoring them than I had with Jace. Maybe because there were so many. Jace caught up with me after a few meters and matched my pace. The assembly hall of the Clave was not far from the entrance of the Gard and the largest room in the building, after all the entire adult population had to be seated there.

We turned a corner and entered the adjoining anteroom, which was slightly smaller than the entrance hall. Set in the center of its right stone wall were wide double doors, now wide open, revealing the interior of the meeting hall. More Shadowhunters roamed here. I spotted Isabelle the same moment she saw me coming into the foyer. Her dark brown eyes widened in surprise and she left Adam and Alec, with whom she had been deep in conversation up to this second, to rush towards us. Unfamiliar Shadowhunters she squeezed past gave her wry looks at her unabashed rush. The Gard was probably not a place to run around like a child. Isabelle didn't seem particularly interested in that.

"By the Archangel, what are you doing here, Clary?" she asked accusingly as she stopped in front of us. Isabelle's jet black hair, ruffled by her sweeping hold, flew so gracefully over her shoulders that for a split second I wondered if her performance was staged. But then her darkened eyes slid past me to Jace. "Why didn't you stop her?"

"You should have tried that," Jace hissed back in a low voice. He still seemed upset. "What should I have done? Lock her in her room? She would've fought me to get here."

"That's exactly whatyou should have done," Isabelle replied, her eyes darting quickly over my body in a mixture of reproach and concern. "At least, on first glance, nobody can tell that you almost bled to death on the roof of the Basilias yesterday."

"I have to be here, Isabelle," I ground out, trying to push away the dizziness that was creeping to the edges of my vision. The commotion made me nervous. "I have a feeling the Nephilim won't take the suggestion seriously if they hear it from someone else."

"They'll probably reject it anyway," Alec murmured at that moment, who had caught up with Isabelle with Adam in tow. He nodded once at me, a dissatisfied look in his eyes, and then stood next to his Parabatai. The two exchanged a few quiet words and then disappeared towards the entrance of the meeting hall.

Isabelle rolled her eyes. "He's always so pessimistic."

"He's right," I replied, managing a small smile for Adam, who now reached us. "It's going to take a lot of convincing."

"Are you alright?" Adam asked, spreading his arms but dropping them at the very last moment, a doubtful spark crossing his green eyes. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Thanks," I murmured, managing a half-laugh. "It hurts like hell too. Speaking of." I fished my stele out from under the cloak and drew another Iratze on the inside of my wrist. The ebbing pain brought my focus back as the lightning bolt of pain in my stomach turned to a pounding. From one second to the next it became a little easier for me to stand upright.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do to help," Adam said, patting my arm in a feathery touch. "You look like you're about to fall apart."

"Weird," I remarked, giving Isabelle a penetrating look. "Because she just said something else."

Isabelle just shrugged. "I'm trying to encourage you," she said, punching Adam in the shoulder. "And so should you, if you want her presentation to the Clave to make the right impression. As long as you think you appear calm on the outside, you can convey that feeling to others as well. Pure psychology."

"Since when are you interested in psychology?" Adam asked, a little taken aback.

To both of our surprises, Isabelle blushed a little. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other before answering us. "Ever since Clary mentioned at her hearing before the Clave how much value Valentine had placed on human nature as part of her education," she confessed. Her eyes slid up to mine and she managed an apologetic smile. "It's amazing how much psychology can do when done right!"

"Careful, you almost sound like him," I replied, grinning slightly. Most others' words would have bothered me, but with Isabelle I knew that she wasn't being mean or hurtful or trying to manipulate me in reverse. "Glad my father was able to impress you."

"It sounds so wrong when you say it like that," Isabelle stated, making a horrified face. Adam and I smiled. "But I mean what I say: try to stand your ground and act confident. That might not change the minds of your harshest critics, but there are some Shadowhunters who won't be entirely averse to your suggestion."

"I hope so," I murmured and sighed. "We have no alternative if we want to win the war against Valentine."

"Are you completely sure?" Adam asked and I could see the doubt in his eyes. The same doubt he'd had the day he'd spoken to Luke, Magnus, and Raphael. I didn't know why, but he was clearly reluctant to the idea of a closer alliance with the Shadowworlders.

I nodded firmly and turned my eyes to him. "Even if it weren't so. We have no choice. Do you want a war with the Shadowworld? They far outnumber us. Who is going to stop my father when we are no longer there to protect this world?"

Adam had no answer to that. One could see that a change of perspective was not easy for him. He looked down briefly as if thinking, then brushed a strand of brown hair back from his face before mimicking my nod and looking up. "I trust you," he said in a voice that, while not entirely convinced, was confident. He reached out and placed his hand lightly on my shoulder. "If you believe in it, I will believe in it too."

A relieved smile spreads across my lips. "Then let's go in there and hope that the others will give me a chance too."

Isabelle, who had just been irritated by my presence, jumped up and down excitedly as we walked towards the double doors. The meeting hall was already full, but Maryse probably saved a few places for us. For a second I allowed the pain in my veins to surface. I needed the reminder of the agony my father was responsible for. I needed the memory to pass on to the other Nephilim as best I could. Many of them still hated me, and persuading them to agree to a proposal that Valentine's daughter had helped negotiate was the goal I was striving for.

The thought made me clench my fists. It had been the Inquisitor's sheer intention that she had chosen me for the negotiations with Luke, and that decision certainly had preciously little to do with the friendship my mother and Luke had once shared. She was just as conservative as many other Shadowhunters. In fact, she probably wanted me to fail, knowing full well that there was only one way to restore the deal with the Shadowworlders. A possibility that she did not want to be responsible for because it could drag her political position into a hole. Beyond that, she didn't seem particularly fond of the Downworlders. It was strange how straight forward the Nephilim maneuvered themselves over the edge of the cliff without realizing it.

We were about to pass through the doors into the meeting hall when several large bodies blocked our way. My legs stopped dead and I looked up in confusion. My eyes met a pair of pale blue irises, who eyed me with a mixture of suspicion and amusement. I raised my eyebrows and took a small step back to get a better look at the young man who was standing in front of me, blocking our path. He had auburn hair, a wiry build with broad shoulder bones, and a wicked grin that plastered his rounder face like he'd never looked any different.

"Clarissa Morgenstern," the boy finally said, leaning one arm against the right door frame. His body language screamed anger and the blaze in his eyes indicated it. "Nice to finally meet you in person."

"I would like to return the pleasure, but unfortunately your face doesn't look familiar to me," I answered in a reserved tone and tilted my head.

Isabelle seemed to throw all politeness overboard today. "Get out of our way, Blake."

Blake glanced sideways at Isabelle. "I've been thinking about asking you out for a while Isabelle, you're really pretty. Too bad you're hanging out with the wrong people," he remarked in a derogatory tone, then glanced over at Adam, who had stopped at my level and was eyeing the boy standing to Blake's left. "As for you, Demonhunter, you seem to have changed since we last saw each other in Toronto."

Adam shrugged and dug his hands into the pockets of his unbuttoned coat. "I think that's the whole point of going abroad: expanding your horizons," he said in a half-amused tone that suggested he and Blake were sort of friends.

"You can talk about that later," I ground out in a bored voice, eyeing Blake. "I'd like to join that meeting."

"Rude of me not to introduce myself," Blake continued, ignoring my statement. His bright eyes fixed me the same way I fixed him and the smirk on his lips sent chills down my spine. "I'm Blake Ashdown."

"Ashdown?" I let the name roll on my tongue while trying to keep my voice full of wonder. "Since I've never heard the name before, I guess you'll understand if I don't memorize it in the first place."

Behind me, Isabelle giggled, but Adam's green eyes voiced a silent warning. He didn't seem in the mood for a confrontation with his friends. I, on the other hand, wanted to know what type of person Blake Ashdown was. Isabelle's talk about psychology gave me an idea. As if on cue, Blake's eyes darkened and he pushed off the doorframe to take a step toward me. He ducked his head in my direction and I raised mine almost in sync, the grin vanishing from his face.

"You've been in Alicante for a while, but you've only met a few Shadowhunter families," Blake explained calmly. Something was bubbling underneath. I could tell by the way he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them out of my sight. He knew I was following his every move, as he probably was following mine. "You should know who not to mess with."

"You're probably implying that I shouldn't mess with you, aren't you?" My voice had taken on an innocent, sugary tone.

"We don't like your presence here, Clarissa," Blake explained urgently and the mocking smile returned to his lips. "In our opinion, the Inquisitor made a fatal mistake when she invited you to Alicante. A misstep we are more than willing to correct."

Now it was me who laughed. One of Blake's companions took a step toward me, but Blake held out his arm to stop him. His hand was shaking. "I guess nobody told you that, Blake Ashdown, but you're not the first to threaten me, nor the first to try to take the law into your own hands for my sake. Go and ask Kadir, I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you all about it."

For a split second, irritation crossed Blake's face, but he was good at hiding his feelings behind a wall of arrogance and shallow amusement. He lowered his head further until his mouth was level with my ear. "We did," he whispered, and I didn't dare to breathe. My stomach jumped in protest, but I tuned it out. "We're not as stupid and unprepared as he is, you can be sure of that."

"Enough now, Blake," Isabelle hissed, nodding her chin at his friends. Adam was strangely quiet next to me. "No one cares about you or your childish gang. How old are you again?"

Blake's lip curled in displeasure, but he didn't have time to reply because at that moment Alec and Jace came out of the meeting hall. "What's going on here?" Alec asked in a stern voice and Blake half turned his back to see who interrupted him.

"Lightwood." Blake's irritation reflected in his ice blue eyes. He and Alec were about the same height and stared at each other until Blake started smiling again. "Always the concerned brother. Don't worry, I was just chatting with Clarissa for a bit, wasn't I?" He reached out his arm in my direction and nonchalantly pulled my shoulder against his side, reassuring Alec that there was nothing to worry about.

Pain shot through my stomach and I had to clench my teeth to keep from making a sound. That was enough. I was still Clarissa Morgenstern, and while I wanted to shed some of my bad reputation, it didn't mean I had to endure everything coming my way. If Blake could play with me, then others would try as well. He probably wanted to see where my limit was anyway, so I could present it to him right away.

I dropped the neutrality from my features like a scaly snake would its skin and gave Blake a venomous glare before tearing away from him. "Just make sure we never meet alone if you value your life," I hissed at him, finally squeezing past him into the hall to find a seat before the Clave meeting started.

More footsteps echoed across the stone floor, and for a second I expected my threat to have angered Blake into following me. I didn't know him well enough to know how he would react. He was smart enough to let it go. Instead, I heard Isabelle behind me throwing him a disapproving comment and catching up to me. "You're right, I'm really pretty, but I wouldn't be dating you in a hundred years, Blake. You've become such a joke."

An amused grin crept onto my face. Isabelle was unbelievable.

How do you like the development of Clace's relationship? :)