Let me start off by saying: sorry, I know it has been a while. Having said that, real life is still demanding much of my attention, which means that at least The Book won't resume updating for a while. I can only write bits and pieces in between other activities and a story like that, I feel, needs regular updates. I hope, however, to be able to at least update Duly Noted once in a while.
Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this piece!
Chapter 19
Floundering
'I'll look after the babe,' he offers. 'Go to the baths, Kate. Frea is on duty. She knows you're coming. Get Thorin's head out of his arse.' The whole kingdom will be better for it. And being where he is at the moment, Thorin won't be able to storm off in a fit of temper, because that would involve running around naked. Dwalin may or may not have told Frea the King's clothes would not be needed for a while and so would be better folded away until… well, she'd know. He is nowhere near as cunning as Kate or indeed his own brother, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.
Duly Noted, Chapter 18: For King and Country
Kate could never exactly answer the question what expectations she had of marriage before she actually got married. Saying that she had none would indicate that she did not expect much of it at all. She might even be forgiven for thinking that way, given the sad history of her parents' marriage. But Kate had never thought like that. In fact, she had vowed that she would do different, would do better.
Having said that, she had entered into this union with few expectations, mainly because she simply did not know enough about dwarves to know what to expect. She hadn't got a clue about what her life was going to be like, apart from the fact that she would spend it with Thorin. With divorce being non-existent around these parts that was the one thing she had been able to know.
And of course she had known that it wouldn't always be easy. They certainly wouldn't ride into the sunset and live happily ever after once they'd tied the knot. Both of them could be headstrong and argumentative and they had enough emotional luggage apiece to fill the treasury of Erebor with no room to spare. Arguments were bound to happen. But they had seen each other at their worst during the quest, several times over, and they had lived through that.
Still, the latest crisis had hit her completely out of the blue.
'Why can't you see?' Thorin looked at her in unflattering disbelief.
Kate was about to ask him the same thing, but refrained. It would be a pointless question anyway. It had become increasingly clear this past half hour that neither of them could be persuaded to see it the way the other wanted them to.
And it was such a stupid thing, really. Kate had not expected to be welcomed with open arms by all of Thorin's people. And they were his people, certainly not hers. That had been made very clear to her, not least of all by the likes of Lord Walin. They had wasted no time in letting her know that they thought she had no business being here. One of them had even gone as far as to speculate she must have bewitched Thorin to force him into marrying her.
Of course, not a single one of those dwarves had enough courage to utter such theories within hearing distance of Thorin. His temper was legendary and no one wanted to find themselves on the receiving end of it.
But dwarves were gossipy and nosy by nature and keeping anything a secret from other dwarves equalled mission impossible. Kate didn't know how and where, but Thorin had gotten wind of these rumours and unkindnesses and he was more than displeased to find that she had known about them all along and hadn't told him about it.
'It wouldn't have changed anything,' she said. And in this matter at least she knew herself to be the more realistic of the two of them. Dwarves did not like outsiders and she was one. They wouldn't have liked her if she had wed a lowly miner, but they sure as hell weren't going to tolerate her as their queen. A mannish lass bossing them about? The mere idea put their hearts squarely in the danger zone. And they were vocal about their opinions, when Thorin was not around to hear anyway. They didn't take as much care with their words around Kate or anyone else, although they took care around Dwalin ever since he had personally knocked one of the gossipers into the capable hands of the healers. As far as Kate knew, the victim was still limping.
Thorin was unamused. 'You once told me that we would do this together or not at all.' His voice could have frozen the land for ten miles around. 'Did you not mean that?'
Well, shit. Those words hit home. She knew how much Thorin hated being shut out. She knew, better than most, how much he secretly feared being left behind, in any way. And she had. She might have done it with the best intentions, but that did not change the facts of the matter.
'Of course I bloody meant it.' She bit her lip. 'I just… I didn't want to burden you with it.' That was only partly true. Thorin had more than enough on his plate without her adding to his troubles. There was so much to do, so much to organise and everyone clearly expected Thorin to summon instant solutions out of thin air. But that was only half of it. She also knew how Thorin would react and beyond the shadow of a doubt he would see it as his duty and his pleasure to put an end to it. And she did not want that. If she was ever going to be respected in her own right, she shouldn't have him fighting her battles for her. She had to be seen to hold her own, to rise above their pettiness and move on. Of course, her husband would not see it her way and so she hadn't told him at all.
On reflection, that was not her best move.
'Burden me with it?' It was a minor miracle he didn't bring the roof down on their heads in his anger. 'Your troubles are not a burden to me. Why won't you see that?'
But in a way they were. 'Well, you wouldn't have them if I wasn't here,' she pointed out. He certainly hadn't made his own life easier by marrying her and on some level, he must be aware of that. Thorin was no fool after all. 'Rebuilding an entire kingdom is hard enough on its own; you hardly need to deal with all the other crap as well.' Certainly not when she preferred to handle it herself.
That too didn't inspire any insight on his part. 'Has it maybe occurred to you that I would want to deal with it?'
He made that point rather clear these past thirty minutes. She just didn't agree, was all. She fired back: 'Has it occurred to you that I don't want you to do that? I can't keep hiding behind you. That's not how this works!' She told him before that she wasn't going to put up with mollycoddling of any kind and she would stand by that.
'So you hide it, like an elf would.' As insults went, this was about the lowest of the low and Kate felt it as such. It was even worse because she knew that Thorin despised the way both men and elves could twist and manipulate. To be shoved into the same corner as Thranduil, Erland and all their cronies both hurt and enraged her.
And hurt made her anger speak louder. 'Because I knew you'd react like a dwarf would: like a blunt sledgehammer to the head. And that's not the way to solve this.'
As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she'd gone too far. But she couldn't unsay it and neither could he take his words back. The silence that dragged out between them felt like the sound of something breaking.
Then he turned on his heel and left the room. The door slammed shut behind him.
I didn't mean it. But how could Thorin know? She had given him no indication that she hadn't mean every single word she spoke. And now he was gone out of the door, going only Lord knows where. They'd had arguments before, but the last time they'd both spoken such cutting words had been the time they had hardly spoken for two weeks, the time when she thought their marriage was over before it had really begun. Cold dread landed in her stomach and settled there. What have we done?
She would have remained there, frozen on the spot trapped in a net of horror of her own making if not for the cries of her son. In the heat of the argument she'd almost forgotten Thoren was there. He'd settled down for a nap and his parents had used that opportunity by having the worst fight they'd had in over a year. The slamming door must have woken him.
'I'm sorry,' she muttered, lifting him out of his cradle. 'I'm sorry.' That the apology was more for his father than for him was something Thoren was blissfully unaware of. And it didn't calm him either.
She fed him, changed him and held him, but she was just going through the motions, her thoughts miles away. This was not how she planned to do this. When they had started to discuss this thing, she'd had in mind how she was going to go about it. She wouldn't go as far as to say she practised a little speech beforehand, but still, there had been a plan. And then emotions and all the painful things from their past had elbowed in and reason had gone right out of the window.
'What a bloody mess,' she said.
Thoren wailed his agreement. And he still wailed it three hours later when she was getting ready for bed, and then three hours after that, when she gave up on sleep for the night and he was still crying when dawn broke, with no hope of an end in sight. By that time Kate's worries about her marriage had taken a backseat. Thoren never really liked sleeping at night, but there was something different about his cries this time, something more desperate, as if he was trying to tell her something that she just couldn't understand.
'I wish you could tell me,' she whispered. 'I wish I knew what you mean.' If he was ill, then she really didn't know what to do. But she knew someone who did. The problem was that Thora lived about fifteen minutes away and Óin even a good twenty-five. And Kate didn't know many other healers.
'Well, sod it, I need one.' She put Thoren down, who responded by wailing even louder, and marched over to the door. As per Thorin's instructions, there was always one dwarf on guard. So she pulled the door open and poked her head out, only to find the last person she'd hoped to see there.
'Ofur,' she greeted coolly. She had in fact told him to bugger off – in somewhat more polite terms – a week before because he thought it was up to him to decide who was and wasn't allowed into her presence. His list of who was allowed was alarmingly short and more or less began and ended with Thorin. She hadn't seen him since, but here he was again.
His response was just as icy. 'My lady.'
This wasn't promising, but it wasn't for herself that she was asking. 'Listen, I need a bit of a favour. I think my son is ill and I need a healer. Would you please be so kind as to run over and fetch one?'
'I cannot.' No explanation, no nothing.
'You've got legs, yes?' Kate wasn't about to buy his bullshit. 'And they're both fully-functional, aren't they?'
'It is my duty to guard this door.'
The words made Kate want to fasten her hands around his throat and squeeze. But for the sake of her son, she refrained. 'Well, if that's the case, you can come in and guard it from inside while you mind my son, so that I can go in search of a healer.' There were more ways to skin a cat, after all. Not that Ofur was anywhere near the top ten on her list of suitable babysitters, but desperate times called for desperate measures and she would be as quick as she could be. It wouldn't be for very long.
Ofur however shook his head. 'That is not my duty.'
Where's Excalibur when I need it? 'Well, I can't go walking all around Erebor with a crying baby in tow, so it's going to have to be one or the other.'
Ofur remained unmoved. 'It is against my orders to leave my post.'
That did it. 'In that case, you can clear out of here this instant and find someone else to do the job you clearly think is so beneath you,' she snapped. 'Be quick about it and have your replacement report to me the moment they get here. It would be better still if they could bring back a healer while they're at it. And do hurry.' She slammed the door for good measure.
'I'm sorry, darling. Help is coming,' she promised, picking Thoren up again. 'You'll need to be patient just a little longer.' He didn't understand her of course. He was only five months old; it wasn't as if he had mastered the art of speech yet.
I wish Thorin were here. He'd never been a father in the actual literal sense of the word before, but she knew he had helped to raise Fíli and Kíli both and they had turned out all right. Clearly he knew how this was done. Kate didn't have a clue. And she was terrified that something was really seriously wrong with her little boy and that her husband wasn't coming home and that the whole world was coming down crashing around her. And in all that chaos she couldn't even seem to comfort her own son. What's the bloody use of me at all?
Time passed. Kate made a point to not look at her watch every five seconds, because it would only depress her more. How long would it take for a replacement to get here? It was about ten to fifteen minutes to the guards' headquarters, might take about as long to find someone available to take over, then another fifteen minutes to get here, but maybe longer if Ofur had passed along her message to bring a healer as well. An hour, tops. She could last that long, couldn't she? Thoren could last that long, surely?
Kate couldn't say how much time had passed when she heard voices outside the door. 'Thank the Maker,' she whispered. 'Help is here.' She put Thoren down in his crib again – 'not long, love, promise' – and practically ran to the door. She only paused when she heard Dwalin's voice. He was the replacement? At last, something good was happening.
'Dwalin! Thank the Lord. I thought I heard your voice.' She was speaking before she could properly take in what exactly was happening right outside her door and when she did, she realised that maybe she didn't have such a complete understanding of events as she had thought five seconds ago.
Dwalin was sending one of his most terrifying scowls at the very dwarf Kate had dismissed an hour – had it even been a whole hour? She couldn't tell anymore – before. He stood as rigid and unmoveable as he had then. In fact, there was not even the merest suggestion that he had moved at all since she told him off.
Dwalin's next words only confirmed that. 'Aye, that's all you'd have heard if you hadn't opened the door.'
This again? Bloody hell, she knew dwarves were stubborn, but she'd never really known them to defy a direct order. 'Ofur? I thought I dismissed you from my service just last week? And then again an hour ago? What in the name of sanity do you think you're still doing here?' It took a lot of effort to remain calm. He hadn't gone at all, had he? Dwalin's arrival was just a happy coincidence.
And he was still as arrogant and unremorseful as before. 'It is only for the King under the Mountain to dismiss me. I may guard you, but you do not command me.'
If only I were stronger, I'd probably kill him.
Fortunately for her Dwalin seemed to have read her thoughts. He lifted the arrogant sod right off his feet and slammed him against the wall. 'She's your Queen, you little shit. You'll obey her as you'll obey her husband and if she tells you to be gone, you get yourself gone as fast as your feet can carry you.'
In any other situation Kate would have marvelled at those words for hours after they'd been spoken. Dwalin wasn't her biggest fan. No, correction, he wasn't a fan of her at all. He only tolerated her for Thorin's sake, because he thought she was good for him. But this was different. If she hadn't known any better, she'd have thought he was offended on her behalf.
But that was a ridiculously fanciful thought brought on by a distinct lack of sleep and so she responded with flippancy. 'And if I tell him to jump, he's supposed to ask how high, right? You might want to lessen the pressure on his throat, Dwalin; he's going blue.' He was at that, although Kate wasn't sure she minded right now. But she knew she'd mind later, so all things considered it was better to do the decent thing.
From the looks of things, Dwalin shared the sentiment; another first. 'Do you want me to put him down?'
As if. 'Did I say that?' she asked. 'I just want him to be conscious enough to actually understand what's being said to him. And I don't want you arrested for murder either. So, listen up, kid. You're going to run along and fetch someone more competent to do the job, preferably someone who doesn't think it's his right to decide who I see and don't see. And I don't want to see you here again.' She really didn't. Would it actually be possible to exile this waste of space to the Iron Hills? 'Now you can put him down. Unless you've something to add?' she asked of Dwalin.
Dwalin had many things to add, if his face was any indication, but he refrained. 'I'll eventually think of something,' he said, and that in itself sounded more terrifying to Ofur than anything Kate had said just now. Perfect.
Of course, he was still a dwarf and he was nothing if not incredibly stubborn and as such he still tried to make a point about a door that needed guarding, to which Kate could only respond that right now she had Dwalin for company. No one would get in except over his dead body. It took another glare on Dwalin's part to convince him that it really was so, but then he finally buggered off. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
But with that minor crisis dealt with, the bigger one once again took precedence and she found herself blurting out all her worries to Thorin's best friend before she could find it in herself to just shut up. She was rambling too, trying to fit all her struggles with her child and then the conflict with Ofur into as few sentences as she could, which meant she sounded as incoherent as a drunk.
Miracle of miracle Dwalin seemed to at least get the gist of what she was saying. Or maybe it was just because Thoren was still crying at the top of his lungs and he hadn't heard a single word she had just spoken that he nodded towards the nursery and asked: 'Allow me?'
At this point she could have begged him on her knees for help, so there was really no need to ask her to allow anything. Doubtlessly she would feel terribly ashamed of her own conduct later, as it was unlikely to improve Dwalin's view of her, but that was something to worry about later.
Of course, the 'be my guest' she followed that up with should have remained just that, but her talking turned to rambling again, as if all her worry translated into incoherent speech without her consent: 'I wish he could tell me what ails him, but unfortunately I really don't speak baby. And becoming a mum hasn't given me any magical baby mind-reading skills either.' Bloody hell, Andrews, stop talking.
Dwalin frowned. 'Where's Thorin?' he asked brusquely. 'He ought to remember how to do this.'
'I don't know where he is.' The admission just slipped out. She really wasn't proud of what happened here yesterday and her own role in this whole sorry mess.
'In the baths.' Dwalin was very matter-of-fact about it.
Well, at least that was one mystery solved. Still, Kate was no sort of wizard or enchantress that she could summon her husband out of thin air to her. 'He didn't come home last night.' And where did that come from? Since when did she share that kind of personal information with Dwalin? They weren't even friends. But now that she had started talking, she didn't seem to be able to stop. 'We fought before he left. Something stupid really. He's been going on and on lately about stuff folk say and how he clearly thinks it's his job to put an end to it. I told him it wasn't and that I can fight my own bloody battles and then he stormed off.' In truth it had been much uglier than that, but at least she regained control of her tongue before she blurted that out too. Of course, it would be nice as well if she had just as much control over her tears. She hadn't.
She had maybe expected Dwalin to take her to task for falling short and he would have been absolutely justified in doing exactly that. He didn't. 'I'll look after the babe. Go to the baths, Kate. Frea is on duty. She knows you're coming. Get Thorin's head out of his arse.'
She had to do a double take that Dwalin had actually said those words, that they weren't just a figment of her sleep-deprived imagination. But it seemed that he actually meant it, because while she was still staring at him, he marched over to the nursery to retrieve Thoren. And her son was just as astounded by this turn of events as Kate herself; he fell quiet almost right away.
Kate shook her head to drive away the mental cobwebs, but no clarity came to her. She was actually forced to ask. 'Why are you doing this?' It was too soon to even comprehend the fact that Dwalin placed his faith in her, to succeed where he clearly did not expect victory himself. Getting Thorin's head out of his arse had been Dwalin's job long before it had ever been Kate's. And she had no clue why he was handing over this particular privilege to her without as much as a fight. If anything, he was handing it to her on a silver platter. Not that Kate had any idea how to go about "getting Thorin's head out of his arse," but that was something she should maybe not worry about now.
'Because you're suited to the job, lass. And not many other folk are.' Dwalin very matter-of-fact about it, almost flippant, which was another development Kate had not seen coming, not even when she was well-rested and on top of her game. As it was, maybe she ought to resign herself to being perpetually surprised by Thorin's best friend, but it was not a feeling she particularly liked.
To hide her confusion she nodded, but she had a feeling he saw through that right away. Her game face had done a disappearing act along with her husband and she doubted she would find it again until they had sorted out this mess between them, something Dwalin had just given her the opportunity to actually go and do. If only she knew how.
But that kind of doubt was not one she'd share with Dwalin, not until she knew where she stood with him. And as it turned out, all her certainties had been built on shifting sands rather than steady rock. 'Very well.' She sounded almost like Thorin when he was out of his depth now; formal and uneasy. 'If you don't mind babysitting for a bit, that is.'
'Go,' was Dwalin's only reply. He genuinely didn't seem to mind. And neither did Thoren for that matter. He had settled almost the second Dwalin had picked him up and with something resembling shame Kate realised that the cause of her son's misery may not have been an illness a healer could do something about. In all likeliness it had been her very badly-hidden distress that had fuelled his. What kind of a mother does that make of me? It was a question she didn't dare to dwell on. She might not like the answer.
She nodded again. 'Okay. For King and Country, right?' At the moment it was the best guess she could come up with for Dwalin's very odd behaviour. He'd said himself that he thought she was the best person for the job – and when had he changed his tune so much and how had she failed to notice that? – and nothing he'd said or done had suggested he had any ulterior motive. That wasn't like Dwalin anyway.
Too late she realised that to Dwalin this expression would be unfamiliar and she was hardly in a mood to explain it and so she left the room before he had the chance to request an explanation of any sort.
Of course, now that Ofur had been gotten rid of and Thoren was in safe hands, the majority of thinking space was instantly swallowed up by the looming question of how to save her marriage. Truth was, she hadn't got a clue what to do beyond going down to the baths and finding Thorin. It was clear Dwalin expected of her that she sorted it out. Get Thorin's head out of his arse. Those had been his exact words. It was a vote of confidence, but that didn't mean she knew how. Understanding Thorin was shaping up to be her life's work and she had only just begun scratching the surface. That was what it felt like at times, anyway.
And she knew she had a fair bit of grovelling to do as well. That was not a prospect she relished either. It was one thing to know that Thorin needed to be coaxed out of one of his dark moods, but it was another to know that she had played a part in the causing of such a mood. I'm not good at this being married business, she knew. She also knew that for both their sakes she would have to get better at it, and the same was true for Thorin. I'm not my father. I won't run away when things cease to go my way.
'Ah, Dwalin said you'd be coming.' A cheerful voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Her feet had carried her in the right direction on their own – there had been no conscious thought on that matter – and she only came back to the here and now when Frea started talking to her. 'Didn't think you'd be this quick about it, though.'
Kate liked Frea. She was one of the dwarves who'd come back from the Ered Luin, in short, one of those who had lived through dragon-imposed exile with Thorin and who therefore were much more inclined to forgive him for some extremely unconventional decisions, like marrying Kate. The dwarves who'd endured exile were more likeable in general, not as stuck-up as their kinsmen from the Iron Hills, nor indeed as rigid and set in their ways. They were much more open to change, as long as it was within reason.
'Dwalin volunteered for childminding duty,' she replied. 'And then he as good as kicked me out of my own home.'
Frea laughed. 'Aye, that sounds like him. Come with me, I've got a place you can leave your clothes and I've found you a good clean towel. I would have gone on a search for soap and the like, but I've already given those to your husband.'
Kate forced her face into a grateful smile. 'Thank you.'
Frea waved the thanks away. 'No trouble. If Dwalin's right, it's you who'll be doing all of us a favour by putting our king into a better mood.'
She certainly didn't beat around the bush and it confirmed something that Kate had already suspected: that it was well-known though not talked about among the Ered Luin segment of Durin's Folk that Thorin's moods ran dark from time to time. It remained somewhat of a riddle though how it had happened that everyone seemed to think Kate was the best remedy for those bouts of brooding, especially since it had been her who had actually caused this particular bout of brooding in the first place.
'You wouldn't have any pointers on how to do that, would you?' The words were out of her mouth before she could check them. Bugger this lack of sleep. It always removed the filter between her brain and her mouth. And this was how she was supposed to end this argument?
Frea laughed. 'You're the expert, Kate.'
She was surprised to learn it. As far as she was concerned, it was trial and error and just because she'd had more successes than most didn't mean she knew what to do or how to read her own husband each and every time. And more fool to those who thought otherwise.
But apparently that was not something Frea was prepared to hear and so she kept her silence. She left her clothes where she was instructed, was pointed to a door and told that was where she was supposed to go and then Frea was off, taking Kate's clothes with her. She suspected Dwalin's hand in that, giving her no choice but to sort this out, depriving her of a way to run, unless she was of a mind to run around the Mountain dressed in only a white fluffy towel. And Kate had enough dignity left to not even want to consider that option.
He's your husband, Andrews, not a rabid warg, she reminded herself. 'Get on with it.' She gave herself another good mental kick in the behind, opened the door, stepped through and closed it behind her before she could change her mind. Nothing would be solved by staring indecisively at the wretched thing all day.
It was warm and steamy inside. Thorin preferred his baths hot. Then again, Kate had preferred her showers just about the same way, back when she had one. Failing that, she could learn to get used to this. And the baths of Erebor, now that they were back in use, were quite something. She suspected they were not unlike the baths the Romans had been famous for, although dwarves were in general a good deal more hygienic. And thank goodness for that.
The dwarf in question was at the far end of the shallow pool, eyes closed, giving every appearance of sleep. She would have been fooled too if she hadn't known him like she did. This was what he did when he didn't want to be disturbed, when he hoped that whoever entered decided to just let him be. Well, no chance of that. Frea's nicked my clothes.
She left the towel by the door, walked into the pool and then waded in about halfway. This was where her plans, such as they were, stopped. She had no clue how to proceed. There was no book to guide her and Thorin clearly wasn't going to take the initiative here.
And it was difficult. Then again, no one had ever said that marriage was easy. Maybe that was the way of it in fairy-tales and Kate had established a long time ago that her life was about as far away from a fairy-tale as it could possibly get. And somehow, in this setting, with things being as they were between them now, it was even harder. There was literally nothing to hide behind, no cloak to curl up in, not even so much as the hem of a shirt to twist between her fingers when she didn't know what to say. The fact that there were no clothes present didn't bother her so much, really. Thorin was her husband; they'd seen each other naked before. And physical intimacy had never been a problem. They were both far more comfortable with letting their actions do the talking for them. It was the other kind of intimacy that was so hard to achieve and to maintain. Damn our pasts.
'Thorin.' At least she could alert him to her presence. He probably knew she was there; he would have heard the door and her way of walking sounded distinctly different from the dwarves' heavier footsteps. Still, common courtesy couldn't hurt her.
He opened his eyes, but only acknowledged her presence with a curt 'Kate.' This was not the most promising start.
She pressed on. 'I am sorry.' As always, it was hard to get the words to cross her lips, even more so because she wasn't the only guilty party in this conflict. It took two to argue and Thorin hadn't been the most reasonable dwarf under the Mountain either. 'I shouldn't have shouted at you and I shouldn't have kept things from you. That was a bloody stupid thing to do.' That at least was the truth. That she had done it on purpose, as he well knew, had been even more foolish.
She'd caught him by surprise. Well, she would; Kate didn't apologise much. In fact, he appeared so much surprised that he clearly couldn't think of a single thing to say.
This was going to be one of those one-sided conversations then, the kind where she talked and he communicated via silences and looks and left the interpreting all to her. And one misinterpretation could make this whole thing fall apart quicker than you could say disaster. Kate hated this. Would it kill him to open up just a little sometimes? She wasn't psychic. She couldn't pluck his thoughts out of his head and read them like one would read a book, like the Lady Galadriel. She was only human.
'I still stand by my point,' she said and not just because she wanted to put up some form of resistance for the sake of resistance. It wasn't about loss of face either. Well, it was about that a little, but it wasn't about loss of face with him. Kate had stopped caring about that some time ago. 'I know you care and I know you can't stand it when folk are being nasty to me, but you can't go punching every single one of them because it makes you feel better. And I can't be seen to hide behind you while you go and fight my battles. I think our marriage contract says something about being equal partners. I'm not your trophy wife.'
The unfamiliar term finally forced him into opening his mouth. 'Beg pardon?'
Well, shit. 'I'm not just a woman you've married for the sake of looking pretty next to you, who has no real value of her own.' She realised her mistake almost right away and amended: 'Well, not that anyone around here thinks I'm even remotely tolerable to look at, but I think you get my drift.'
His brows knit together in what she had come to know as disapproval. 'You are not ugly to me.' So, not disapproval aimed at her, then. At least that was progress.
'I know.' She did. That didn't mean he loved her for her looks. And actually, she was glad of that, because it meant he loved her for who she was, which she preferred. 'And that's not really the point.'
'But it is.' At least she had him engaged in some form of conversation now, even if she was unsure of where this was headed. 'You said it yourself, folk do say these things and worse besides about you.'
And so they had reached the heart of the matter. 'Yes, they do. But I can handle it; I've got a thick skin.'
Thorin gave her a very pointed look that told her that she did not, not in the literal meaning at any rate. 'You should not be forced to endure such talk.'
'In a fair world, you'd be absolutely right.' Of course, if all was perfect, none of this would happen. 'But it's not and some people are just mean. Some are nice, others are bullies. Our worlds really aren't that different. Besides, you wouldn't want me to run out of people to shout at.' Maybe it was slightly too early for attempts at light-heartedness, but that one had come out unbidden as well. I don't need a bodyguard, I need a tongue-guard.
To her relief, the left corner of his mouth made the barest hint of upward motion. 'Aye, but there are too many for you to shout at. And you cannot expect me to stay back and be forced to watch you be thus insulted.' He didn't raise his voice, but he still made it perfectly clear that he felt at least as strongly about this as she did. There would be no easy solutions here. 'We promised to do this together or not at all.'
Kate really didn't like it that he used her own words against her, though, if she was being honest, it was a same sort of situation that had made her say them in the first place, because she hadn't wanted to be shut out, not like she had done to him these past few weeks. Those words hadn't been exactly a part of their marriage vows, in the sense that they hadn't been written down and therefore didn't have their signatures under them, but it was a promise they had made all the same. And she had broken it.
'Yes, we did,' she admitted. Somehow, it felt like a defeat. Oh, for heaven's sake, this is Thorin, not Thranduil. And not everything is a bloody contest. That didn't mean that she hadn't made a very good point, but she also knew deep down that her point was not the cause of this fight. And that put her squarely in the wrong. It was not a feeling she liked. 'And I am sorry. I promise you I'll try not to do that again.' Anything else would be a promise she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep. Old habits took a long time to break; they'd become too much a part of her, to the point where she didn't even think about doing them. That didn't mean she wouldn't try her hardest. Kate liked to think she was her own master; no one dictated her behaviour but her. That didn't mean she was without flaws either.
Thorin nodded, accepting the promise. 'I should not have shouted at you either. That was ill done and I apologise.'
That caught her on the back foot. If Kate's apologies were rare, Thorin's were even more so. That didn't mean he thought he was always right – he wasn't – but he still didn't always say so, because admitting he had been in the wrong was leaving himself emotionally wide open for attack. Kate only knew this because she felt much the same.
She nodded too. 'Apology accepted.' At least for the time being, they were back in calmer waters, an appropriate metaphor, given where they were. 'So, are we good?' It was important to know that, to have that little piece of certainty back again. She needed it; she was tired of all the fighting.
'We are.' The fact that he gave a verbal confirmation only emphasised it. He extended his hand in an invitation to join him. 'If Frea were here, I believe she would tell you this is not how one is supposed to use the baths.'
Frea would be right, too; Kate was still standing in the middle of the pool, where the water only barely reached her waist. 'Isn't it? Where I'm from we have hot water raining down on our heads from above and one generally doesn't sit down for that.' It was hard sometimes to find the right words to explain her world to him. Too many concepts were unknown here and there was nothing she could compare them to that would be in any way familiar to him. 'You see, I get confused sometimes.'
She waded over to him and took the extended hand. There was relief in the contact, in knowing that they were more or less on the same wavelength again.
Thorin pulled her in and then down next to him. The hot water was heavenly. She hadn't even realised how tense she was until the fight was done and the warm water started to relax her muscles. 'We ought to do this more often,' she sighed. 'The bathing, definitely not the fighting,' she added, before there was even a chance of a misunderstanding. 'You know, unless there's usually some rules against mixed bathing that we are secretly breaking. It's one of those things a body can get all confused about.'
He chuckled, a low sound that seemed to originate deep in his chest. It was starting to become one of Kate's favourite sounds, even more treasured because it was so rare. 'I believe it is acceptable for spouses.'
'We should definitely do this again, then.' There were some other things one could do with one's spouse in a bath that came to mind, but that might be one of those things that could be considered wildly inappropriate in a semi-public space. Kate wouldn't really know and she could do without another faux-pass so soon after the last one.
It was therefore a good thing that Thorin seemed to have read her mind. He pulled her closer and kissed her and protesting was about the last thing on her mind. 'So, this is acceptable too, then?' she grinned against his lips.
'I am the King under the Mountain,' Thorin pointed out. 'I can make it so if I wish.'
Fair enough. 'And do you?' she asked. 'Wish it?'
The reply to that wasn't exactly verbal, but Kate liked to think he made it more than clear in other ways.
'So,' she began when some time later they made their way back to their own rooms. 'Maybe we should just agree that we actually fight our battles together. You know, instead of me trying to do it on my own, leaving you out of it, or you tearing into the bullies, leaving me at the side-lines.' That was still somewhat of a compromise to her, but it would be a compromise for him too. And wasn't that what it meant to be married? You can't have it all your own way, Andrews. And you should have learned that lesson long before today.
He wasn't saying no right away. 'What do you propose then?'
'Just that we take them on together. I've heard from a reliable source that we make quite the team.' The reliable source being most of the company. From among their number Dori was just about the only one still not perfectly happy about Kate's marriage and his reasons for being of that opinion were vastly different from those of the Iron Hills dwarves.
Thorin just about managed a full smile. 'Indeed. It seems you have no measure of pity for them.'
Kate thought this was a bit rich coming from a dwarf who had been ready to punch every single one of the offenders square in the face only twenty-four hours ago, but kept it to herself. There was no point in picking a fight needlessly. 'I've never had any kind of sympathy for bullies anyway,' she said instead.
He didn't say anything to that, but he took her hand and held it as they made their way back home, so Kate took that to be a good sign. It gave her enough courage to ask the question she thought she already knew the answer to, but that she needed to ask regardless.
'Where will you sleep tonight then? Because I happen to know the location of a perfectly serviceable bed, if you're interested in that sort of thing.' Their bed, to be precise. She had missed him in it last night. She'd slept alone for most of her life, but last night it had bothered her for quite possibly the first time ever.
'I might. The sofa in my study can be… quite uncomfortable.' And this was coming from a dwarf who'd slept on bare rock and in the freezing cold over the course of his long life. Then again, Kate could hardly fault him for finding that bloody thing unpleasant. If anything, uncomfortable was still somewhat of an understatement; Kate's back would start to ache just from looking at it.
'If that's the case, I happen to know that the spot right next to mine is still available.' She smiled almost in spite of herself. 'It's yours if you want it.'
There was no jest in his eyes when he answered. 'I do wish it.'
I am currently working on some other little pieces, but prompts from you are always welcome, so feel free to leave ideas.
Thank you very much for reading and as always, reviews would be much appreciated. I love to hear what you're thinking and if you've liked it at all.