Chapter 30

Into the Past Part 4: A Mother's Heart

One good solid hope's worth a cart-load of certainties.

Doctor Who

Theyra

Theyra wasn't sure of anything at this precise moment, least of all about what exactly was happening today. It was nothing new for Thráin to be taciturn and unsociable. Theyra remained unflappable in the face of his moods, because she knew he was a good dwarf. He was hard-working, a loyal husband and a gentle father. True, he had bad days now and again. Everybody had those. Thráin's bad days came more frequently than those of other folk, was all.

But this morning he had scared her. It was not unusual that Thráin would claim his father had gone and lost his mind. The King under the Mountain ran his kingdom in a different way than Thráin was convinced it ought to be run. But something about that meeting this morning had been different. Look to them for clarity, if that is what you seek. But it will bring you no joy. What did it all mean?

Then there was that odd episode with Thorin. Normally she had to prise her son from his father's arms and even then Thráin only relinquished his hold when it became clear that Thorin needed to be fed, the one task he could not perform himself. But today he had deliberately stepped away, without so much as an explanation. He'd looked at the babe as if he'd turned into a rabid warg overnight.

So off she had gone to her father-in-law for answers, since he was apparently the one who had been struck by insanity most. She would go to him and request an explanation for the fact that her husband seemed to have received a whole new personality in the course of an hour.

The dwarf and the woman she had encountered in front of the fire were unexpected and perhaps part of the reason why her husband had behaved so oddly just now. The dwarf hadn't said much. There was something familiar about him, but Theyra couldn't put her finger on it. And her attention was not on him. The woman introduced herself politely enough. And she seemed like a sensible sort, so Theyra had handed her the baby and had gone to see Thrór. Whatever was the matter here, she doubted it was the kind of conversation one would bring an infant to.

The woman was as good as her word and she found the King under the Mountain in his study, looking over some documents, or at least making a brave effort to do so.

'Theyra!' he exclaimed, surprised to see her and, to her astonishment, a little alarmed. 'I did not expect your presence.'

There were many secrets all of a sudden. Theyra was a dwarf and as such used to keeping them, but never from her kith and kin. They were entitled to know all there was to know about her. And now she was being shut out. There was an unpleasant feeling in her gut.

'My husband claims you've gone mad,' Theyra announced. He didn't look insane to her eyes, so she would reserve judgement until she knew more.

Thrór rubbed his forehead. 'Aye, he would.'

'And have you?' she asked. 'Gone mad, that is?'

'Not to the best of my knowledge, lass,' he reassured her.

Theyra believed him. But still, something must have prompted Thráin's behaviour just now and it could only have happened in his parents' home. It was the only place he had been today and he had been perfectly well when he had left home this morning. It stood to reason whatever disaster had taken place had happened right here.

'I think Thráin might have,' she said hesitantly. The way he acted had deeply unsettled her. 'He was so angry and harsh. I do not know him like that. He would not even hold Thorin. I had to take him with me, because he would not mind him while I came here.'

Now at last her father-in-law showed signs of alarm. 'Where is he now?'

'At home,' Theyra replied. Brooding, most likely. But over what?

Thrór shook his head. 'Not your husband, your babe,' he clarified.

'Oh,' Theyra understood. 'I left him with the woman in the living room. She seemed nice enough.' If anything, she seemed to know what she was doing. The way she'd held Thorin radiated practised ease, as if she'd held many infants before and could do it without needing to think about it. Thorin was safe enough there for a little while.

To her surprise, Thrór echoed the woman's words. 'I'm not entirely sure that's a good plan, Theyra.'

'Why, because she is of the race of men?' Theyra never much cared for those views and she didn't think Thrór held with them. 'Those are Thráin's notions, not yours, are they?'

He did not answer. 'Follow me,' he said. 'We'll need to explain a few things, but our guests had better be there for it.' She was almost convinced he had taken lessons in being enigmatic from the elves by now.

Not knowing what else to do, Theyra followed him out of his study and back into the living room. The woman had sat herself down in the chair in front of the hearth, Thorin cradled in her arms. Her son was still asleep, content if anything. He'd grabbed one of Kate's fingers and held on tightly. Kate's companion was staring at the child in what appeared to be horror. She'd seen that same look on Thráin's face just a short while ago.

What is it with folk thinking a mere babe can do them harm? Theyra thought furiously.

Freya had emerged from the kitchen now as well and went to stand next to her husband. The look on her face was concerned, though she managed a reassuring smile in Theyra's direction.

Her well of patience had run dry. 'Will somebody enlighten me as to what it is that I am not seeing?' she asked. She could not altogether keep the annoyance out of her voice.

Thrór took a deep breath. 'Theyra, I would like to introduce you to your son, Thorin.'

'I know my own son!' she snapped before she realised that Thrór had indicated the full grown dwarf and not the baby she had birthed mere weeks ago.

Her mouth fell open.

Thrór took the time she had been struck dumb to explain the situation. Any other day Theyra might have laughed, have declared that this was too ridiculous to be true, but there were several things that argued against such a response. There was Thráin's odd behaviour to consider, his sudden aversion to holding the son he had adored only hours before. And then there was the grown-up Thorin himself. Now that she knew who he was, she knew why he had looked so familiar. And Maker be good, she understood why he had looked so alarmed when he had seen her. Thrór said he had come from a good two hundred years into the future. She would most likely not be alive anymore.

It was a sobering thought.

Then her eyes shifted to the woman Kate. Thorin's wife, she was told. It was a most unlikely sort of union, but Thrór had never given her any reason to doubt his word before. And what reason could he possibly have to lie to her?

'So I reckon you probably want to take him back now,' Kate said. She looked a bit sheepish and more than a little uncomfortable.

'Ah,' she said. She had temporarily lost the capacity for coherent speech, or movement. Something told her it would not be such a bad plan to take her infant son back from the arms of his future wife, but she was still looking at the grown Thorin.

A few hours ago Theyra would have thought it to be impossible to feel a bond with someone she had for all intents and purposes never met. He was older than she was now and yet he was her son. Her arms were itching to hold him now as much as they wanted to hold her baby.

This cannot be the natural way of things. She knew that, but there were some things that defied the rules of nature. And there was a longing in her son's eyes as well. He attempted to conceal it, badly, almost as if he dared not look for her affection. Well, given what Thráin may have done – and she would be having some choice words about that with him later – perhaps he did not hope for a welcome here.

And she would prove him wrong. This may be as confusing as any situation she had ever faced, but at the heart of it the truth was simple. Thorin was her son, whether he was only weeks old or past his two hundredth birthday. The fact that there was time travel involved should not make a difference.

Mind made up, she strode forward and enveloped her grown-up boy in a warm embrace. It felt a little odd, given that he was taller now than she and she had to stand on tiptoes to reach him.

And then he froze under her touch.

Had she gone wrong? Had she mistaken what she had seen on his face? It almost appeared as if she had somehow made a mistake.

But her doubt evaporated when after only an awkward moment or two he returned the embrace. And there was nothing awkward or formal about that. Strange, she hadn't even heard him speak yet, hadn't exchanged so much as a greeting with him.

She held him at arm's length to have a good look at him when the hug reached its natural end. He did look like Thráin, bust she fancied she could see a few of her own features in his face as well, not least of all in the hesitant smile he favoured her with now.

'It is a pleasure to meet you,' she told him. And she meant that. It was beyond strange, but it felt completely right. And if Theyra was being really honest, she rather liked that she got a look at what her son turned out to be. So far, she was rather pleased. She wasn't sure what to make of the woman yet, but she seemed nice enough. Theyra might learn to like her. After all, she trusted Thorin's judgement; no son of hers would be so stupid as to marry someone not worthy of him.

It took him a little longer to find his voice, but find it he did. 'It is good to see you again, amad.'

They both smiled.

Thorin

This is surreal.

Thorin had hardly dared to dream that the meeting with his mother would go off without a hitch, not with the confrontation with his father fresh in mind. Of course, he knew his mother was hewn from a very different rock than Thráin, but she might not necessarily be pleased to see him either.

In hindsight he should have known better.

She was as she had always been: kind, friendly and so, so young. He was older now himself, which was why her youth stood out to him. And because of Smaug, she would never know old age.

The guilt made a spectacular return.

He knew that he should let things happen as they had, as he remembered them. The consequences of what would happen if he lost that battle against himself were unthinkable, though doubtlessly his father would approve, he thought bitterly. To undo his marriage, his wife and their children… The thought alone caused an ache in his chest so strong he could barely breathe. But to let his mother die when a simple warning could change her fate... Oh, the temptation was so strong he could hardly begin to fight it. He was not strong enough.

Fortunately Kate stepped in and saved him from himself. 'So, ehm, would you mind taking him back now?' she asked.

Theyra at last seemed to recognise the problem. 'Ah, yes. I see.' But she made no attempt to take her baby out of Kate's arms.

It was an odd sight. Of course, Thorin had no memories of being so young, so he could not remember this encounter. Even so, it was odd to think that the first time Kate had met him had not been the first time he met her. Of course neither of them had known it at the time. They couldn't have. It was as Kate said: this whole time travel debacle was enough to do one's head in.

Just looking at this scene now could cause headaches. Kate was standing in a way he'd seen her stand countless times before. She'd held their own children in that manner. She knew how to do this. There was an ease to her manner, a quiet confidence that she had been given a task she knew how to perform. And infants felt that. Thorin observed wryly that at least the baby version of him had been completely content to be held by her from the start. He knew something it had taken an older Thorin a long time to learn: that he was in safe hands with her.

He maintained his distance, not least of all because he did not know how to behave around his younger self. And he looked at him with not a little envy. He had been so innocent at that point, a blank slate. Nothing had happened yet.

No, that was not entirely true. This very morning he had ensured that for the rest of his life, he would never have a good relationship with his own father. All because my choice of wife displeased him.

He had spent many a sleepless night wondering why he had never found approval in his father's eyes, had gone over his own actions in great detail in a doomed attempt to identify where he was lacking. And now he knew that it was not for something he had done, but for something he had yet to do.

No one holds grudges like the dwarves. Although, to be fair, dwarves generally did not hold the grudge until after the offence.

Theyra still did not take the baby. Her brow furrowed, as it always did when she was deep in thought. 'Is that why?' she asked. 'Is that why my husband has been behaving so strangely this morning?' She indicated Kate.

Thrór saved Thorin from having to answer that question himself. 'Afraid so. He'll come round, I'm sure.'

Thorin was not. And if the look on his mother's face was anything to go by, she had her doubts as well. And she had them with good reason. Thráin had always been steadfast in his beliefs.

We are sowing the seeds for the future we know. The more he saw, the more he believed that Kate's theory had merits. It made sense. True, if they wanted to, they could probably change it, but they had decided not to. And because they had come here from a specific future, that would mean that they were always going to have to make that choice: after all, they already knew they had made it. Causing headaches indeed.

'And if he does not, it will be his loss,' Theyra said decisively after a lengthy silence that spoke volumes. She marched over to the couch and sat down. 'I for one would like to get to know my son better.' She directed a dazzling smile at Thorin that took him completely off guard. 'After all, not every mother is so blessed as to get a sneak peek at what her son is going to be like when he's all grown.'

She was kind. Thorin had always known this to be true, but seeing her in the flesh, being exactly like she had always been in his memories, it made the pull towards her so much stronger. It was hard to resist and he did not want to fight it. But he also knew that if he got pulled in, he would be tempted to do something he should not.

'And to be honest, I'd like to think I raised him with better manners,' she carried on. She gave him a pointed look. 'He might introduce his wife to me for instance.'

The corners of his mouth curled up. 'Why would I?' he asked. 'When she has already introduced herself?'

Her eyebrows jumped up, but the smile stayed on her face. 'Cheeky as well, huh?'

Kate must have sensed the shift in mood, because she joined in. 'Can't be helped,' she said lightly. 'I'd shake your hand, but, you know, I'm still holding your baby.' He could see that it made her as uncomfortable as it made him. The time travel and its complications were odd enough, but this brought home the strangeness of it all more than anything else that had happened before.

'Eager to be rid of me, are you?' he asked, keeping the conversation light on purpose.

Kate rolled her eyes at him.

And if anything, his younger self was not quite ready to be moved. He was awake now and had taken hold of Kate's index finger, which he'd stuck into his mouth. He, unlike the woman who held him, was happy exactly where he was.

In some small ways it vexed Thorin that he'd clearly been smarter as an infant than he had been as an adult. At least he'd known who to trust then.

Theyra looked at her, took stock of her. 'It looks as though he is in good hands,' she observed. There was definitely a double meaning in those words.

He exhaled in relief, though he shouldn't have. He'd always thought his mother would have approved of Kate if she had been in possession of all the facts. As it turned out, the facts were not even required.

'The best,' he agreed.

He did not often speak of his feelings, not explicitly anyway. But his words were true. Kate had shielded him from madness and had brought him a peace he would have believed impossible ten years ago. He was content now, a feeling he had all but forgotten.

'Well, I see how it's going to be,' Kate nodded. She looked as if she'd given herself a mental kick in the behind to go along with this. 'It seems I'm outnumbered. Looks like baby Thorin is going to have to stay right where he is.' She shifted the babe into an easier position. He obviously did not mind.

'It appears you have experience with this,' Theyra observed.

Kate nodded. 'I do,' she replied.

'We have two boys and a girl,' Thorin added. He had not trusted his father with that information, but he felt comfortable sharing this with the people currently present. They would not use it against him. And it was one of the very few things that he could speak of. Mentioning that he had children would not change the future. He was reasonably certain of that.

His grandfather did not look surprised to learn this. Perhaps Kate had already told him. It was not impossible. After all, when he had woken this morning he had found the two of them in front of the fire. He had intended to ask what had happened, but the encounter with his father had driven that question right out of his mind. It was yet another thing that had not gone according to plan.

These past few days nothing appeared to.

His mother's face split in a wide smile. 'Why, I'm barely a mother before I'm a grandmother!'

The reaction to this news was not entirely unexpected, but still a pleasant surprise. Thorin had heard too many comments about Kate's so-called negative influence and the way her mannish blood polluted the line of Durin. Had Thráin learned of his grandchildren, he would doubtlessly have joined the ranks of those who ventilated these views on a regular basis. Worse, he might have taken practical steps to undo what he thought was a grave crime against his people.

His thoughts came to a sudden halt at that. No. He believed that his father had sunk low, but he would not, could not believe him capable of raising his hand against Thorin's loved ones. No dwarf worth anything would ever commit so grievous a sin. And Kate was a woman at that.

And yet…

Thorin now knew that from this day onward his father had worked against his marriage in the only way he could, that he had fought for his own ends with all the strength he possessed. Was he really certain what Thráin would and would not do?

I disappointed him all my years. And perhaps Thráin had entertained hopes that Frerin would turn out better, that he would marry well and father children to carry on his line. But Frerin had fallen at Azanulbizar and Thráin had lost his mind very shortly after.

Did he run mad because he had lost all hope that his line would endure?

The longer he was here, the more pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. He felt sick to his stomach.

Kate had seen the change in his mood and communicated the question with her eyes. Are you all right? he read there. Can I help?

But she could not, no matter how much he wished for it. And he could not solve this himself either. It was in his past. He understood matters now that had confounded him for so long, but now that he had clarity, he wished for ignorance instead.

Theyra seemed to have followed that line of thought at least partially. 'I reckon it's best we don't tell your father,' she said. She knew her husband well enough to know that his response would not be favourable.

Thorin smiled ruefully. 'I think that would be wise.'

And even with that precaution taken, could he really be sure Kate was safe? He may have agreed with his mother that he could be in no safer hands, but was the same true about she in his?

Kate

Kate could not have failed to notice that from one moment to the next, something had seriously started to bother her husband. Yes, she agreed that it would probably not be a good idea that Thráin would be informed that he was a grandfather. He had taken it badly that Thorin had married a woman of the race of men. The news that he had half-dwarves for grandchildren would probably do him in. As it was, she was fairly sure that his blood pressure was already heading towards the danger zone.

But Thorin did not elaborate and she had to wait until Theyra was good and ready to leave – which wasn't until after dinner – to actually ask him.

That didn't mean that she didn't like Thorin's mother. In fact, she had reached the conclusion that Thorin's esteem of her was well-founded. She was kind and open-minded and unexpectedly witty. That had come as something of a surprise.

For about an hour she had been stuck with baby Thorin, which was fine, more or less, so long as she didn't think too hard about who she was holding. Kate honestly did not mind holding babies; after all, she'd had three of her own. It was a task that came easy to her now. But it was a strange thought that the dwarf she loved with all her heart, whose bed she shared and whose children she'd borne was the same dwarf as the child she was holding. These were two images of him that could not be reconciled. She could not be his caregiver and wife both at the same time. That wasn't the way the world was supposed to work.

So she had been beyond relieved when Freya had finally put her out of her misery a good sixty minutes later. The baby hadn't liked that very much and had wailed a little, something Thorin – the little so-and-so – found vastly amusing. She was glad he'd loosened up a bit – his mother clearly had a very good effect on him – but all that time there had been a shadow in his eyes that she found hard to interpret.

But she wouldn't ask, not with Theyra still there.

'So,' she said, when Theyra had left and Thrór and Freya were in Thrór's study catching up on paperwork. 'Will you tell me?' They were in front of the hearth, the same place they had been this morning when Theyra had come in. Only now it was early in the evening. 'Whatever it is that unsettled you so much this morning?' she clarified.

Unsettled was still an understatement; he'd looked as though he'd been stabbed in the gut.

He took a moment to gather his thoughts. 'I fear for your safety,' he admitted.

Kate had not seen that one coming. 'Why?' she asked. It really did not make much sense. Thrór and Freya had offered them a place to stay. It was safe here. Why would Thorin fear any threat towards her now? And why only since this morning?

'I do not trust my father,' Thorin said. Even confessing that much pained him, and Kate reckoned that it shamed him as well. And it shouldn't. Whatever Thráin got up to, it wasn't Thorin's fault. He certainly hadn't asked for his father to be such a prick.

'Because he would try to tear us apart before we've even started,' she recapped, trying to understand if that was what had him so worried. 'I thought we had already agreed that it wasn't going to work, in spite of his very best efforts?' Now that she knew that Thorin had made up his mind in favour of preserving the timeline as they knew it, she was confident that he would not be swayed from that course. She had nothing to fear from Thráin's meddling. It was unwelcome and infuriating, but ultimately without result.

Either way, even if he managed something in that department, she was not personally at risk. Everything and everyone she cared about would be, but Thorin would not have referred to her "safety" unless he had meant exactly that.

'That may not be enough for him,' Thorin said. His eyes were willing her to understand without him having to spell it out for her, because saying the words would be too painful.

So she tried. Even though she felt particularly slow, eventually she cottoned on. 'Oh.' The fact that he had thought of it at all caught her off guard. Dwarves were far too honourable for such things. It was beneath them, a mannish practise they abhorred. 'You think he would try to… remove me from the board here and now?'

'I do not know.' Thorin stared into the flames. 'And I cannot know. But yes, I fear it.'

It was a novel idea. Kate had met with more than her fair share of haters. But they had all observed certain boundaries. There was a line they would never cross. They would not lay hands on her. Dwarves would sooner cut off their hands rather than consider murder. But now Thorin suggested Thráin might have done that, or would. Or might.

Kate didn't rightly know what to make of that.

'Dwarves don't kill,' she replied cautiously. 'As a rule.'

The smile on Thorin's face was utterly devoid of amusement. 'Have you forgotten that my family is particularly susceptible to madness?' The words were harsh and bitter.

As if she ever would. Thrór fell prey to greed, Thráin to grief or shattered hopes… And Thorin, he had come close to paranoia. It was years ago and it had been during that awful two weeks when they hadn't talked. Just remembering it made her feel cold and lonely all over again. But he had won that fight. They had made up and Thorin had regained control over himself.

Is he losing control now? Kate did not honestly want to even seriously consider this possibility. She knew he had not acted rationally yesterday, but the circumstances were hardly favourable. And besides, everybody had moments of poor judgement. It didn't indicate insanity. Could this be paranoia or is he really on to something?

She considered the evidence. No, she decided. Thorin was completely sane. He was afraid, but perhaps with reason. Thráin had frightened her this morning. There was something in his eyes that gave her the shivers. She'd seen loathing there and a hatred the strength of which had taken her completely by surprise. She did not trust Thráin. If she encountered him in a dark alley, she would run without a second thought.

Was that not all the answer she needed?

'We don't know anything yet,' she said empathetically. 'We can't jump to conclusions. We mustn't.'

Thorin nodded. 'I know.' He shook his head. 'And yet…'

Kate knew what he meant. It was another uncertainty added to the pile that had started forming since they arrived in this place yesterday morning. There was nothing to build on. Their whole lives had been turned over and inside out. Nothing was as it ought to be. Thráin was only the top of the iceberg.

'I don't know what to do,' Kate admitted. There had been times when she had felt like that before. She had lost count of the number of times on the quest when something happened that shouldn't have. But they had found a way through every time.

Kate could not see the way ahead now. Her path was shrouded in mists.

'Nor I,' Thorin said. He looked at her. 'Don't be alone with him.'

That was a promise easily given. 'I won't.'

She might consider finding a dagger to carry with her from now on, just in case. Either way, it might give Thorin some peace of mind.

'What will we do?' she asked. 'Goodness knows how long it will take to locate Gandalf. We can't stay here all that time, can we?' She'd be climbing the walls before the week was out. And Thorin would not be far behind. Besides, it was a bad idea to expose Thorin to his lost loved ones for extended periods of time. She could see the strain around his eyes, the rigid way he held his shoulders. It was torture for him to be here and being unable to interfere. They needed a little distance.

Not in all the time Kate had known him, had Thorin looked so lost. 'I do not know.'

She could only hope the answer would come to them. So hope she did.

I'll be busy all day tomorrow, so this chapter is a little early.

Next time there's trouble on its way.

On another note, I've been writing bits and pieces for another Duly Noted multi-chapter project, which would be published when the Into the Past project is done. The only thing is that it would be a bit of a crossover with Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series. The focus is definitely on Kate and Thorin and their story, but I would use the rules of that universe and a few of the characters. Would you be interested in reading it or would you like me to publish one chapter and decide then?

Do let me know.

As always, thank you for reading. Reviews would be most welcome.