"The Puppet Show"

Based on the Episode Written by Rob Des Hotel and Dean Batali

The following story is copyright © 2021 by Mark Moore.


Buffy finished her breakfast of bacon, eggs, and sausage; stood up; and took her plate and utensils to the sink.

"Did you like your breakfast?" Joyce asked her.

"Yeah, it was fine."

Joyce looked at her. "Just fine? Not super? Great? Outstanding?"

Buffy picked up her bookbag and skateboard. "Someone's in need of a compliment. It's just breakfast, Mom."

"It's not that. It's just...you seem so difficult to impress these days."

"You know what would impress me?" Buffy asked her. "My own car."

"Nice try. Now, get going. You're gonna be late."

Buffy headed for the door. "It's okay, I'll just McFly it."

It took Joyce a moment to realize what Buffy meant. "No! You will go to and from school under your own power, young lady!"

Buffy sighed and opened the door. "Fine. Oh, hey, I'll be a bit late getting home. There's something that I wanna check out after school."


Buffy, Tara, Amy, and Katrina walked into the Sunnydale High School auditorium. They went down the center aisle and saw Giles sitting in a seat. He did not want to be there.

Buffy drew a breath. "If it isn't the great producer!"

They went into the seats and sat around Giles.

Katrina smiled. "Had to see this to believe it."

Giles looked at them. "Oh. You four."

"The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?" Buffy asked him.

"Our new Fuehrer, Mr. Snyder."

Tara smiled. "I think they call 'em 'principals' now."

"Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it."

Buffy smiled. "Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny."

"If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated - or at least, um, helped."

"Nah!" Buffy replied. "I think I'll take on your traditional role...and watch!"

"And mock!" Amy added.

"And laugh!" Tara added.

The four girls all laughed.

"Yes, well, moving along..." Giles checked his clipboard and looked up. "Cordelia Chase!"

Cordelia walked out onto the stage and over to the microphone stand. She picked up the microphone and waited.

"Ready when you are."

Cordelia started dancing in place. "Stage light splashing! The feeling's smashing! My heart and soul belong to you! And I'm here now, singing! All bells are ringing! My dream has finally come true!"

Buffy laughed in amusement. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Shh!" Giles admonished her.

"Stage fright, go away! This is my big day! This is my time to be a star! And the thrill that I feel, it's really unreal! I can't believe I've come this far! This is my time to be a star!" Cordelia sang.

"Thank you, Cordelia. Uh, Lisa Campiti! Please!"

Cordelia put the microphone back on its stand and walked down off the stage as Lisa set up with her tuba. Cordelia walked over to Giles and the others as Lisa began her solo. Giles rubbed his eyes. Cordelia sat next to Buffy.

Buffy looked at Cordelia and smiled in amusement. "I can't believe you picked that fucking song."

"Yeah, well, I was gonna go with 'The Greatest Love of All', but then I remembered that episode of Hey Dude where Melody wanted to sing it in a beauty pageant, and Jake said the performance rights were too high."

Buffy stared at her, unsure how to react. "I don't think anybody would have fucking cared. And you watch Hey Dude?"

Cordelia frowned at Buffy. "If you tell anybody, I will fucking end you."

"O-kay. I think maybe we better leave our Mr. Giles to this business he calls a show."

Buffy, Tara, Amy, and Katrina got up and started back up the aisle. Principal Snyder was waiting there for them.

"Principal Snyder!" Buffy exclaimed in surprise.

"So. We think school events are stupid, and we think authority figures are to be made fun of."

"No!" Buffy replied in a panic. "No, we don't. W-Unless you do."

"And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All four of you left campus yesterday."

"Yeah, but we were fighting a demon-"

"Fighting?" Snyder asked Buffy.

Buffy shook her head. "Not fighting."

Katrina shook her head. "No, we, uh, left to avoid fighting."

"Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people." Snyder crossed his arms. "I think I just found four eager new participants for the talent show."

"What?" Buffy asked in horror.

"No!" Amy yelled.

"Please?" Tara begged.

"I've been watching you four. Always getting into one scrape or another."

Buffy looked him in the eyes. "Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us-"

"My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time." Snyder started past them down toward the stage.

"Can I just mention...that detention is a time-honored form of punishment?" Amy asked.

Buffy nodded vigorously in agreement.

"I know the four of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. At." Snyder continued down to the stage.

Buffy spaced out and moaned. She walked back into Giles' row, sat next to him, and looked to him for sympathy. He had none to give and tried to hide a smirk. Cordelia was gone. The tuba solo was over.

"Thank you!" Giles told Lisa.

Lisa left the stage. Giles made some notes. Buffy put her feet up on the chair in front of her, bored. She started to doze off.

After a while, Giles looked up. "Morgan Shay!"

Buffy suddenly woke up, startled.

"Morgan Shay!" Giles called again.

Morgan came onto the stage with his dummy and set up.

Buffy frowned. "Ewww, dummy!"

Tara sat behind Buffy. "I think dummies are cute. You don't?"

Buffy shook her head. "Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little."

"What happened?" Tara asked her.

"I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig." Buffy paused. "There really wasn't a story there."

Amy and Katrina joined Tara, sitting down to watch more of the tryouts.

"Hi. I'm Morgan." He moved the dummy's head. "And I'm Sid!"

He was an awful ventriloquist, and Giles winced. Buffy raised her eyebrows and stared in disbelief.

"Hey, Morgan, would you like to tell some jokes? Would I?! As a matter of fact, it is! It's also a wood nose and a wood mouth!"

Tara couldn't believe his act either. Morgan laughed nervously for Sid. Buffy looked at Giles. He took off his glasses.

"I didn't sleep at all last night. All right, time out. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt. Kid, you are the worst. Even I can see your lips move."

Buffy started to giggle. Giles looked up again and put his glasses back on, intrigued now that he saw he may have at least one good act.

"C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks. You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material."

A few students had gathered at the edge of the stage to watch Morgan's act and laughed.

"And they're edible!"

That got more laughs from the students. Buffy, Tara, Amy, and Katrina were into it now, too.

"There, you see?" Giles asked. "I'm sure you four can come up with something...equally exciting. Okay, thank you! Marc Roberts, please!"

Marc came out onto the stage with a hat and set up.

"I reach into the hat, and out...comes..." Marc lifted the hat and looked around frantically. "Has anybody seen a rabbit?" He began to search along the floor.

Buffy turned around, hopped over her seat, and sat to Tara's right. She kissed her girlfriend on the lips and smiled. "Hi."

Tara smiled. "Hi."

Buffy looked at her friends. "So what do you wanna do?"

Katrina shrugged. "A scene from a play, maybe?"

Amy smiled. "Or maybe magic?"

Tara thought about it. "I like Trina's idea. A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show, because it doesn't require an actual talent."

"But we have talent. We can do stuff." Amy looked at Buffy. "Buffy, uh-"

"What am I gonna do?" Buffy asked her. "Slay vampires on stage?"

Amy smiled. "Maybe in a funny way!"

Buffy looked at her skeptically.

Amy looked at Tara. "Tara, you can do stuff. Uh, the piano..."

Buffy looked at Tara in surprise. "You play?"

"A little."

"Well, that's cool. You can accompany us, and we can attempt to sing."

"Oh, i-in front of other people?" Tara asked her. "Then, no, I don't play..."

"Oh, c'mon!" Amy exclaimed. "Did you hear Cordy? She was horrible. All that we have to do is be slightly better."

Buffy thought about it. "Yeah, and it's not like we even have to win; it's just a lame-ass talent show."

"So are we going with singing or the play?" Katrina asked.

Buffy thought some more. "What if we half-ass a play for the talent show, and we form a band for ourselves?"

Tara stared at Buffy in horror. "A band?"

"Where did this come from?" Katrina asked her.

"Well, I could use a car, but my mom won't get me one. If we can get decent enough, maybe we can get some gigs at the Bronze, and I can pay for it myself."

No one said anything for a while.

Finally, Amy grinned. "That's good! Money's good!"

Giles turned around and looked at them in annoyance. "Will you girls please take this conversation elsewhere?"

Buffy, Tara, Amy, and Katrina stood up and walked up toward the exit.

Sid whistled at the girls. They looked at him and Morgan.

"Mm, mm, mm. Look at the goodies!"

Morgan looked embarrassed.

Tara went over to him. "Morgan, you're really getting good! Where did you come up with that voice?"

"It's kind of an imitation of my dad."

"Sounds real!" Buffy complimented.

"It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's dead weight." Sid looked at Tara. "How about you and I do a little rehearsin' on our own, honey?"

"Uh, hey!" Buffy objected.

Tara leaned against Buffy. "Sorry, Morgan, not interested."

"Aw, c'mon! You know what they say: once you go wood, nothin's as good!"

Buffy crossed her arms. "Okay, Morgan. We get the joke. Horny dummy, ha, ha, it's very funny, but you might wanna consider getting some new schtick. Unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log."

Morgan and Sid exchanged a look.

Sid looked at Tara. "Hey, Tara, let me know how you would handle this hypothetical situation. You and your friend, Jack, go out horseback riding."

"I don't have a friend named Jack."

"It's a hypothetical. Anyway, when you finish your ride, Jack is scared and has trouble getting down. Would you help jack off the horse?"

Tara was about to answer, but then she realized it was a trap, so she smiled dementedly. "No, I'd suck it off."

"You'd what?" Sid asked in surprise.

Tara stared at Sid. "You heard me. I'd take that horse's sweet, delicious cock in my mouth and give it the best blowjob that I could, and then I'd drink all of its cum, which is truly sweet ambrosia."

Sid didn't say anything. His mouth just hung open.

"That's what all of the cool dykes and fags are doing these days." Tara looked up at Morgan. "Ain't that right, Morgan?"

Morgan stared at her for a moment, frowned, turned, and walked away. He came across Harmony. "Hey, Harmony, let me know how you would respond to this hypothetical situation..."

"And I prefer silicone rubber, dummy!" Tara yelled after him.

Buffy started laughing, and Amy and Katrina joined in.

Meanwhile, Principal Snyder had gone to Giles. "Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten."

"I-I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um-"

"This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion. You can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element." Snyder turned around and nodded toward the girls. "Like those four. Kids. I don't like them. From now on, you're gonna see a very different Sunnydale High. Tight ship, clean, orderly..." He faced Giles. "...and quiet."

Suddenly, a scream filled the auditorium. Giles stood up. A blonde girl named Emily Djiemanowicz came running out from backstage.

"Emily! What is it?!" Giles asked her.

Emily was on the verge of hysterics. "It's Lisa! I just found her backstage! Her-Her heart's been cut out of her chest, and she's been stuffed head-first into her tuba!"

Giles stared at her, aghast. Then he slowly turned to look at Snyder, who was scowling.

The girls stood in shock upon hearing this news.

Katrina frowned. "Damn! I hate this school."


Tryouts were canceled for the rest of the day. The paramedics came and took the body away. The tuba was also confiscated for evidence. A police officer questioned Emily.

"Can I go now?" Emily asked him. "I've got a cross-country meet at Melville."

"Sure, Miss Djiemanowicz. Thank you for your cooperation."

Emily walked over to Giles. "Is it okay if I do my dance routine tomorrow, Mr. Giles?"

"Of course, Emily. Of course."

Emily walked away. As she passed Buffy, who was heading toward Giles, Buffy briefly put a comforting hand on Emily's shoulder.

Buffy, Tara, Amy, and Katrina walked over to Giles.

"Uh, it must have happened just after, uh, her tryout."

"Vampire?" Buffy asked him.

"Um, I think not."

"Her heart being removed, does that mean anything to you? Besides..." Buffy shuddered. "Oooooooh?"

"Uh..." Giles sighed. "There are various demons which - which feed off human hearts, but..."

They looked and saw a police officer walking by with a knife inside an evidence bag.

Buffy nodded. "But demons have claws. And teeth."

Amy nodded. "They got no use for a big old knife."

Giles nodded. "Which more than likely makes our murderer-"

"Human." Buffy stared at him darkly.

"Did I mention that I hate this school?" Katrina asked.

Tara felt sick. "So Lisa was killed by a regular human person."

Giles nodded. "The evidence certainly points that way."

"No, wait. I-I'm not buying, you guys. Remember the Hellmouth?" Buffy asked. "Mystical activity is totally rife here. This to me says demon."

"I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is - is, um, it's more complex."

Tara nodded. "The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone."

"Uh, demon or no, we have some investigating to do. I suggest we start with your...your talent show compatriots. One of them may have been the last to see her alive."


The next day, after eating a quick lunch, the interviews began. Buffy went out to the track to talk to Emily, who was doing some stretching exercises.

"Em, can I talk to you?" Buffy asked.

"Sure."

"How are you holding up?"

Emily shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I guess."

"Oh, congrats on taking first yesterday."

Emily smiled. "Thanks."

"Um, about Lisa..."

"I didn't know her too well. There's that whole dancer/band rivalry, y'know?"

"I've heard about that."

"But I did speak to her a little the day that..." Emily paused. "Yesterday."

"How did she seem?"


"She was happy. I guess. She was psyched to be doing the show. She was a really good musician." Marc shuffled a deck of cards. "Here, pick a card."

"Uh, um..." Giles reached for a card.

"No, wai-wai-wai-wait. Not that one. Pick this one."

Giles took the card. "Do you remember the last time you saw her?"

"She was talkin' to someone."

"Who?"


"That smart guy. The one with the dummy. What's his name?" Elliot asked, walking into a classroom.

"Morgan?" Tara asked, following him.

"Yeah, that's it. He was actin' kinda strange."

"Strange how?"


"It's just such a tragedy for me. Linda was, like, my best friend." Cordelia picked up her pom-poms, ready to practice a cheer.

Amy looked at Cordelia in surprise. "Lisa."


"Right, Lisa!" Harmony unlocked her locker and opened it. "Sweet, sweet girl! Such a tragedy!"

Katrina rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure you feel that way. Anyway, you didn't notice anything strange?"

"You mean other than that asshole with the dummy?" Harmony asked her.

"Oh, don't get me started on him. I thought he was funny at first, but he turned out to be a misogynist." Katrina shuddered. "And that stupid joke about the horse. I mean...you'd have to be a complete retard to fall for that."

Harmony smiled, embarrassed. "Um, right! Totally!"


"Well, Morgan's just strange. He's always rubbing his head a lot and moaning." Emily got a bottle of Gatorade from a cooler. "Especially yesterday."


"He seemed kinda paranoid..." Marc nodded. "Lookin' around at everyone..."


"And I think I saw him arguing...with his dummy."

Tara made a face.


"All I can think is...it coulda been me!" Cordelia exclaimed.

Amy rolled her eyes. "We can dream."


After talking to Emily, Buffy went in through the front side door of the auditorium. She looked around and walked over to the stage. She saw Sid on a stool, facing the curtain.

"Right now, you and me gotta be on the lookout. Figure out who's gonna be next." Morgan walked onto the stage. "How are we supposed to..." He saw Buffy. "Oh, hi."

"Hello."

"I was just working on throwing my voice." Morgan walked upstage.

"Uh, Morgan, did you notice anything weird going on around here yesterday?" Buffy asked him.

Morgan gathered Sid up. "Weird? What d'you mean?" He went down the steps from the stage.

"With Lisa. Did she say anything to you? Was she arguing with anyone?"

Morgan went over to Sid's case. "No. She was playing." He opened the case. "Sid and I were talking."

"Talking."

"Rehearsing."

"So...you didn't notice anything weird at-"

Morgan held his hand to his forehead in pain and sat down. "Ohhh!"

"Morgan, are you okay?" Buffy asked him.

"Look, sweetheart! He answered your question. Now, leave him alone!"

Morgan's pain subsided, and he looked up at Buffy.

"Okay, Morgan, how 'bout talking to me yourself now?" Buffy asked him.

"He said all he's gonna say."

Buffy stared at Morgan, losing patience with him.

Morgan looked nervously between Buffy and Sid. He got up. "It's okay, Sid. We're done." He put Sid in his case.

"I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to make you mad."

"No! I'm..." Morgan lowered his voice. "It's him!" He indicated Sid. "He's..." He closed the case. "We have to go." He grabbed the case and left.

Buffy was taken aback. "Cute couple."


After school, the five girls went to the library.

Amy looked at the others. "Okay, next time we split up, someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her, and we woulda had another organ donor."

Katrina looked at her. "At least, you didn't get Harmony."

Tara looked at the others. "I think I had a bit more luck. Everyone I talked to seemed to point their fingers at the same person."

They all went into Giles' office.

"Morgan?" Buffy asked.

Tara nodded. "Morgan."

Giles looked at them. "I fear I was led to the same conclusion."

"Well, what do we do?" Tara asked. "We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice."

Amy shrugged. "Speak for yourself."

Katrina raised a hand. Amy slapped her five.

"We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess!" Tara suggested.

Buffy looked at her friends. "Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer."

"Guy talks to his puppet!" Katrina exclaimed.

Tara nodded. "And for his puppet."

"Well, yeah, but what about the whole 'it's a demon' theory?" Buffy asked.

Giles looked at her. "I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat...hampered by our life in the theater."

"Uh, priority check, Giles?" Buffy weighed the two with her hands. "Talent show, murder."

"Yeah, we can't do the talent show; it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it!" Katrina exclaimed sarcastically.

"Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime...the show must go on."

Buffy pouted. "This is so unfair."

"Buffy, you, uh, watch Morgan. Check his locker; see if there's anything there."

"Like a heart?" Tara asked him.

"Or something."

Buffy nodded. "All right."

"I'll pull up his locker number." Tara went to the PC.


Buffy quietly went through the doors from the stairwell and into the hall, looking around to see if anyone was there. She passed a door and heard a sound. She twisted around to look behind her toward the sound but saw nothing. She went back to looking for Morgan's locker and found it.

Buffy started to work the combination. "Okay...two to the left, three to the right..." She looked in both directions again and then slammed her palm into the lock.

When she took her hand away, there was a clean hole. She reached in with her fingers and undid the latch. She looked around in the locker and was about to take Sid's case out when someone grabbed her hand from behind, startling her.

"Principal Snyder!" Buffy exclaimed.

"What are you doing?" Snyder asked her.

"Uh, looking for something."

"School hours are over. You, therefore, should be gone."

"And I'm going any minute now." Buffy laughed nervously.

"There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed, and also smoking."

"Well, I don't do any of those things. Not...ever."

"There's something going on with you. I'll figure it out sooner or later."

Buffy smiled.

"Do you need something here?" Snyder asked her.

"Oh!" Buffy looked into the locker. "Yeah! Right! Um, a friend wanted me to get something...out of his case!" She pulled the case partially out of the locker, opened it, and was surprised to find it empty. She quickly closed it and looked at Snyder. "He must've taken it and just forgotten to tell me."

"Mm-hmm. Get along home now. It's late." Snyder turned and headed down the hall.

Buffy watched him go.


That night, Buffy got ready for bed. She pulled down the cover and sheet.

Her mother knocked on the door and came in. "Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show?"

"It'll be over soon."

Joyce let out a laugh. "It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act."

"Seeing?" Buffy asked, surprised. "I-In the sense of actually attending?"

"Of course!"

"Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up; stage fright."

"But I wanna support what you're doing!"

"Look, Mom, if you really love me and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away."

"Honey, is there, uh..." Joyce paused. "Is there something bothering you? I-I mean...besides your fabulous debut."

"Well, you heard about the murder, right?" Buffy asked her.

"Yeah, horrible. Is that why you don't want me to attend?"

"Well, yeah."

"Honey, what are the chances of a murderer striking the same talent show twice?" Joyce asked her.

"We're on a Hellmouth, Mom."

"Still." Joyce smiled at her. "Get some sleep."

"Good plan." Buffy got into bed. "Oh, Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"The girls and I have an idea of forming a band."

"A band?"

"Yeah. To perform gigs and stuff. I figure maybe I could earn money to buy my own car."

Joyce looked at her daughter skeptically. "A used car. No frills."

"That's fine."

"Can you even sing? Or play an instrument?"

Buffy shrugged. "I can sing better than Cordy. As for an instrument, Tara's on keyboard. I was thinking maybe a guitar."

Joyce considered it. "Well, you don't have any other after-school activities..."

"Well, you know, except..." Buffy made downward thrusting motions with her right hand.

Joyce stared at her in confusion.

Buffy sensed her confusion and picked up a stake from her night stand. She made downward thrusting motions with it.

Joyce continued staring at her. "That's...nice, sweetheart, but you should be more careful. I'll get you a dildo, if you want."

"Oh!" Buffy realized how she appeared and blushed. "No! But yes! Thank you! Much appreciated! But I meant vampire-"

Joyce raised a hand. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Anyway, my point is, if this is something that you want to pursue, go for it. It'll be a good lesson in responsibility."

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, Mom."

Joyce smiled. "Good night."

"Good night."

Joyce left the room and closed the door behind her. Buffy reached over and turned off her lamp in front of the window.


Buffy woke to the sound of quick, light footsteps and sat up. More footsteps. She saw something go under her bed and leaned over the edge to look underneath. Nothing. She sat back up and saw Sid there. She screamed and knocked him off the bed. Sid ran away. Buffy quickly got out of bed as her mother rushed into the room and turned on the light.

"Honey, what is it?" Joyce asked.

Buffy ran over to her mother, frightened. "In the bed, in the covers, there's something!"

"Where?"

They went to the bed to investigate.

"There's something there."

Joyce grabbed the covers and went through them. "Well - Well, there-there's nothing there now. Are - Are you sure you didn't have a nightmare?"

"No! There's some..." Buffy paused. "There is..." She sighed and put her hands on her head. "Yeah..." She paused. "You're probably right." She sighed again and dropped her hands. "I'm sorry I got you up."

"Don't worry about it. I was dreaming about bills." Joyce kissed Buffy's forehead and then pointed. "Sweetheart, you shouldn't go to sleep with the window open." She touched her daughter's cheek and then left the room.

Buffy looked at her window, confused. "I didn't."


The next morning, at Sunnydale High School, before classes, Tara, Amy, and Katrina were sitting in seats and watching the dress rehearsals.

Marc was standing on the stage, doing his magic act. "And my lovely assistant steps into the box..."

Harmony stepped into the box.

He closed the door and turned the box around.

"And...behold!" Marc opened the box.

Harmony was still there.

"You were supposed to leave!" Marc yelled at her.

Harmony rolled her eyes. "You were being uncommunicative!"

Tara, Amy, and Katrina laughed. Marc closed the door to the box and butted his head against it.

Giles came out from backstage with Cordelia close behind.

"I don't understand why I...why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band."

"Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you."

"But the mood! It'll be all wrong!" Cordelia got in front of him and stopped him. "My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal...hygiene or something."

"It's about you."

"Point taken. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that rock and roll."

Giles didn't want to hear it. He gave Cordelia a look like something was wrong.

"Uhhh, what?" Cordelia asked.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh-"

"There's something wrong with my hair?" Cordelia pulled it behind her ears.

Giles remained silent but continued to stare.

"Omigod!" Cordelia quickly left.

Giles saw Buffy come down the aisle and went over to her. "Hello. You look a bit worse for, uh..."

Buffy headed into the seats to her friends.

Giles followed her. "What, exactly, are you the worse for?"

"Where's Morgan?" Buffy sat next to Tara.

"Uh, I-I...haven't seen him."

"Did he do something to you?" Tara asked Buffy in concern.

"No, it was his...Sid, the dummy."

Giles gave her a look.

"Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this." Buffy paused. "I think Sid was in my room last night."

"With Morgan?" Katrina asked.

"No. He was alone. And alive."

"Did you see him?" Amy asked her.

"Well, I saw something. I-It ran across my floor, under my bed, and then it attacked me."

"Attacked you? How?" Giles asked her.

"It was like it pounced on my face."

"Like a cat."

Buffy looked at Tara. "Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on, it was already gone. I-I think it went out my window."

Amy nodded. "Like a cat."

"Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy."

Giles looked at her skeptically. "Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had...dummies on her mind."

Katrina looked at Buffy. "You did say they creep you out."

"Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please?" Buffy asked. "I'm not just some crazy person; I'm the Slayer."

"If you think there's something to this, we should look into it." Tara kissed Buffy on the lips.

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, sweetie."

All of them saw Morgan walk by, carrying Sid. Morgan opened Sid's case.

Buffy frowned. "I'd like to see Morgan without his better half for a few minutes. Bet he could tell me something."

Morgan sat down with Sid on his lap.

"Oh, uh, i-if it's any consolation, I...I may have found a possible demon culprit." Giles held up a book. "The-There's a reference in here to a brotherhood of seven demons who take, uh, the form of young humans. Every seven years, these demons need human organs, a-a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise they - they - they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, uh, slightly less appealing." He handed Katrina the book open to a sketch of one of the demons.

Tara looked at Giles. "So Morgan could still be the guy, only demon Morgan instead of crazy Morgan."

Morgan fussed with Sid's shoes.

"It's said that these demons are - are - are preternaturally strong, and - and - and...Morgan is - is..." Giles paused. "Well, he seems to be getting weaker every day."

Morgan put his hand on his head. Buffy observed him.


In history class. Mrs. Jackson walked around the room while she lectured. "It was as a result of this that President Monroe put forth the eponymous, meaning named after one's self, Monroe Doctrine, which in one sense established the U.S. as a local peacekeeper."

Buffy wasn't paying attention; she was intently watching Sid. Sid turned his head back to look at her and lowered his brows. Buffy was creeped out and looked down at her desk. A moment later, she looked back up at him. Sid just stared back.

Cordelia noticed and leaned over to Buffy. "Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!"

Cordelia smiled smugly as she leaned back into her chair. Buffy said nothing; she just looked back at Sid, then down at her desk again.

"Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy?" Mrs. Jackson asked.

Sid was whispering to Morgan.

"Morgan?" Mrs. Jackson asked. "Morgan?"

Morgan looked at Sid, then up. "What?"

Sid looked at Mrs. Jackson. "Morgan has other things on his mind."

Most of the students laughed.

Mrs. Jackson approached Morgan. "Give me your puppet."

"I'll put him away."

Mrs. Jackson took Sid. "You'll get it back after school." She opened a cupboard, put Sid in, and closed it. "Okay, then. In the first part of the nineteenth century-"

"I'm still watchin' you."

Buffy looked at the cupboard.

"Morgan, that is enough!" Mrs. Jackson yelled.

Cordelia and Buffy looked at Morgan. Cordelia looked back at Buffy, then at Mrs. Jackson.


After school, Buffy, Tara, Amy, Katrina, and Giles walked to the library, their arms full of an assortment of random costumes for their dramatic scene.

"So...have you decided which scene you're performing?" Giles asked them.

Buffy shook her head. "Nah. Snyder's making us do this. We're just gonna make up random shit."

Tara smiled. "Random Shit: A Dramatic Interpretation."

They walked into the library.

Cordelia was sitting on the table, holding Sid.

"Where did you get that?" Buffy asked her, dumping the costumes on the table.

"Oh, I, uh, took it out of Mrs. Jackson's cupboard. I thought you said you wanted to be able to speak to Morgan alone."

Buffy stared at Sid uncomfortably. "Okay. I'll go find Morgan."

Giles looked at her. "I imagine he's looking for his puppet."

Buffy started to leave but stopped and gave Cordelia a look. "You watch the dummy." She went out the door.

Giles looked at Tara, Amy, and Katrina. "Girls, we have some hunting of our own to do."

The four of them went up into the stacks.

Giles looked at the girls. "You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer-"

Katrina quickly shook her head. "That's okay, you can have the organs."

Amy nodded enthusiastically. "Definitely."


Buffy went to the auditorium and walked alongside the front of the stage. "Morgan?" She went up the stairs to the stage. "Morgan?"

Buffy drew a curtain aside, but no one was there. She took the steps down to the makeup area and tried a door. It was locked. She heard another door close and turned toward the sound. A gust blew through another curtain. Slowly, she walked toward it. She quickly turned her head when she sensed something behind her - and saw Principal Snyder at the top of the steps to the stage.

"Principal Snyder!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Looking for something?" he asked her.

"Have you seen Morgan Shay?" Buffy asked him.

Snyder came down the steps. "You know, with everything that's been going on recently, I'm not sure how safe it is for a girl like yourself to be here...alone."

"Well, I was just leaving." Buffy gave him a look. "And I know how to take care of myself."

They stared at each other a moment.

"All right, then." Snyder went back up the stairs and left.


Tara looked at Giles. "Look what I found in the section on toys and magic: 'On rare occasions, inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.'"

Giles thought about it. "Lisa's heart."

Tara nodded. "Morgan's dummy."

"Mm."

Cordelia got up to get a reference book. When she got back to the table, she noticed Sid was gone. "Oh, shit!"

Giles, Tara, Amy, and Katrina ran out of the stacks.

"What does 'Oh, shit!" mean, Cordy?!" Katrina demanded.

"He's gone!" Cordelia indicated the chair where she'd placed Sid. "Sid's gone!"

"What?" Giles asked. "Oh!"

Tara threw up her hands in exasperation. "You had one job!"

"Sor-ry!" Cordelia exclaimed. "I just got up for a sec. Fucker's fast."

Amy sighed. "Okay, don't panic. Let's just look for it."


Backstage, Buffy continued to look around. She heard some creaking. "Morgan?"

She backtracked a bit and went toward the noise. She pushed some clothes on a rack aside but saw nothing. She continued and eventually stumbled on something. She looked down and saw Morgan's body lying there.

"Morgan!" Buffy slowly backed away, horrified. "Demon's got himself a brain."

She kept backing through a bead curtain and heard a snapping noise above. She looked up and saw a wrought-iron chandelier falling on her.

Then there was nothing.


Buffy woke up and moaned. Her vision was a bit blurred. She heard quick little footsteps and immediately became alert. She saw Sid run across the catwalk above her. She tried to lift the chandelier off herself, but it was very heavy. Sid came down, and Buffy saw him in the shadows.

"Whoever's out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly!" Buffy threatened. "If you'll just gimme a minute..."

She tried lifting again - but to no avail. She looked back to where she saw Sid and saw his knife poised above her. She turned her head just in time to avoid being stabbed in the face. Sid lifted the knife and tried again - but missed. Buffy flailed out with her left arm and knocked him away. She tried lifting again, and this time she shifted the chandelier enough to get out from underneath it. Sid attacked her from behind as she slid out, but she knocked him away and into a wall. His knife went sliding across the floor. Buffy got up and jumped over on top of Sid, pinning him against the wall with her arm.

Sid sighed. "You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on."

"I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case."

"That woulda been justice."

Buffy smiled. "Yeah, except for one thing: you lost, and now you'll never be human."

"Yeah, well, neither will you."

Buffy was confused. So was Sid, it seemed.

"What?" they asked in unison.

They stared at each other a while longer.

Buffy thought for a moment. "Come with me."


Buffy took Sid to the library.

Giles looked at her. "Oh, thank heavens."

Katrina smiled at Buffy. "You found it!"

Cordelia approached Buffy. "Let's chop it up!" She got another idea and grinned. "Ooh, no, let's set it on fire!"

Buffy stared at her in amusement. "Down, Cordy. We've got some shit to sort out."

"But then we burn it, right?" Cordelia asked.

Buffy set Sid on the table. Everyone gathered around.

Buffy folded her arms. "Talk."

"This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee with his hand up my shirt."

"And ever since then you've been a living dummy?" Amy asked him.

Sid looked at Buffy. "The kid here was right all along. I shoulda picked you to team up with. But I didn't, because-"

"Because you thought I was the demon."

"Who can blame me for thinking?" Sid asked her. "Look at you! You're strong, athletic, limber, nubile..." He shook his head. "I'm back! In any case, now that this demon's got the heart and brain, he gets to keep the human form he's in for another seven years."

The tea kettle whistled.

Giles went to tend to it. "I must say: it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things."

"There were seven of these guys. I've killed six. If I can get the last one, the curse will be lifted, and I'll be free. I'm sure it's someone in that stupid talent show."

Buffy thought about it. "Yeah, but now that demon has what he wants. He'll be moving on."

Sid nodded. "So...once we know who's missing from the show..."

"We'll know who our demon is!" Buffy exclaimed in realization.

"The show!" Giles exclaimed, remembering.

"What?" Buffy asked him.

Giles came back to them. "It's gonna start! I'm supposed to be there!"

Buffy looked at Tara. "Okay, um, start pulling everyone's addresses in the talent show. I-If they're not there, maybe we can catch them at home."

Tara nodded. "On it." She headed to the PC.

Sid looked at Giles. "And you, get 'em all on stage; form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show."

"Um, uh, the what?" Giles asked him.

"The power circle. You get everyone together; you get 'em, you know, revved up."

"Right." Giles was still confused but left.

Cordelia followed him.


Soon, Giles was backstage and trying to take charge of a chaotic situation. "Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Uh, fifteen minutes!" He turned to go back out.

Cordelia chased him down. "I-I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of...Buffy! What if I fuck up?"

"Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous, then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear."

Cordelia frowned in disgust. "Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!"

"Perhaps not."

"Yeah."

Giles looked at everyone. "Um, all right, um, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the, um, uh, power thing."

Up on the catwalk, Buffy and Sid were sitting and waiting to see who was missing from the circle.

"So...what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter."

"I'm a Vampire Slayer."

"You?! You're the Slayer?"

Buffy nodded.

"Damn! I knew a Slayer in the '30s. Korean chick. Very hot. Man, we had some times."

Buffy gave him a look.

"Hey, that was pre-dummy, all right? Now, I was a guy!"

"So...you kill the demon, and the curse is lifted, right?" Buffy asked him.

"That's the drill."

"You don't actually turn into a prince, do you?" Buffy asked him. "I-I mean...your body..."

"Is dust and bones. When I say free-"

"You mean dead."

"Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter."

Buffy looked down, depressed about her lot in life.

Sid put his hand on her knee. "Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me-"

Buffy took his hand off her knee. "So...that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it?"

"Nope!"

"Yuck!" Buffy exclaimed in disgust.

They looked down onto the stage.

"I-Is everybody here?" Giles asked.

The students gathered on the stage.

Sid nodded. "Okay, here comes our line-up."

"Quickly, everyone!" Giles told the students. "Uh, um, power circle."

The students arranged themselves in a circle and held hands. Buffy and Sid scanned the group for any missing members.

Giles looked around as well. "Well, that's that, then. Um, everybody, uh, get ready!"

The circle broke up quickly as they scrambled to get ready. Giles scratched his head, confused.

Buffy bent down and slipped underneath the catwalk railing. "Hold on." She dropped to the stage below, landed squarely on her feet, and walked over to Giles.

Giles looked at her. "No one's missing."

"So the demon isn't in the show."

"It seems not. Uh, tell the others. Look, it's nearly curtain. I must get the show rolling."

"Right."

"Right."

Buffy looked for Sid up on the catwalk, but he was gone.

"Sid?" Buffy called.

Giles saw Principal Snyder nosing around backstage. Snyder faced him. Giles wasn't sure why he was there. Snyder put his fist into his palm and walked away. Giles followed him.

Buffy was still looking for Sid. "Sid?"

She stopped next to a workbench. Something dripped onto her arm from above. She shook it off and looked up. She reached up to a shelf to see what was dripping, and a brain fell down and into her hands. She let out a startled yelp and dropped the brain. It jiggled when it hit the floor.


Buffy stopped in the girls' restroom to wash her hands, and then she went to the library. Tara was sitting at the PC. Amy and Katrina were standing near her.

Buffy stared at her hands. "Okay, I just had a seriously fucking gross encounter with a brain. One guess who it belonged to."

Katrina was disgusted. "Eww!"

"You found Morgan's brain?" Amy asked Buffy.

Buffy nodded. "Uh-huh."

Tara turned back to face the monitor and started typing. "That's weird."

"Oh, and Sid took off." Buffy walked up to her, staring at her hands. "I'm never gonna stop washing my hands. Hell, I'm gonna soak 'em in goddamn bleach when I get home."

Everyone was silent for a while.

"Why would the demon have rejected the brain?" Buffy asked. "I-I mean...I thought Morgan was the smartest kid in school."

Tara briefly looked at her. "He was; look at his grades: all As." She looked back at the screen. "He was even taking college classes. Wait a second."

"What?" Buffy asked her.

"All these sick days."

Katrina looked at the screen. "He was off for, like, half the year!"

Buffy frowned. "Check the school nurse's file."

Tara typed and brought it up. "Look at this! 'In case of emergency, contact Dr. Dale Leggett, California Institute of Neurosurgery, Cancer Ward.'"

"Brain cancer?" Amy guessed.

Tara nodded. "That's why he had all the headaches."

Buffy felt uneasy. "This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain. And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around."

"Who's got the highest GPA?" Katrina asked Tara.

Tara started typing.

Amy looked at them. "But what are the chances of the killer having that information?"

Tara thought about that and stopped typing. "Good point." She sighed.

Buffy started pacing nervously. "This is ridiculous. We can't just sit here and wait for him to strike. We have to figure out who we're dealing with. Okay, so we ruled out all the people in the talent show..."

Tara looked at her. "That's because they were all there. But that's before we found the brain."

Buffy nodded. "Right. So it probably is one of them. And - And Giles doesn't know! He's with them all right now!"

Amy shrugged. "Giles can handle himself. I mean...he is really...smart!"

Buffy thought about that, and then she turned around, ran, slammed the door open, and ran out and down the hall. "Giles!"

Tara stood up, and she, Amy, and Katrina ran after Buffy.


Backstage, Giles was helping Marc set up, and he had a pair of weights in his hands. "Yes, if you - you calibrated the units of weight, then you could calculate the, uh, specific maximum velocity achieved before the point of impact."

"Gee, Mr. Giles, you're really...smart! Could you do me a favor?" Marc asked.

"All right, but it needs to be quick."

"I want you to help me test my guillotine. Check this out." Marc placed a honeydew melon on it and let the blade fall.

The blade sliced the melon in half.

Giles picked up a half-melon. "Oh, my!"

"Pretty cool, huh?"

"Are you sure there's no one else who could help you out?" Giles asked him.

"My assistant quit on me. You won't have to say anything. I'll - I'll show you. Lie down."

Giles inspected the guillotine. "Uh, uh, how - how, exactly, does it work?"

Marc pulled the blade back up by its rope and tied it down. "A good magician never tells his secrets." He shook his sleeve. "C'mon. We haven't got much time."

Giles lay down on the guillotine bench. Marc strapped him in.

"Sh-Sh-Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?" Giles asked.

"No. No, this way, your scalp gets sliced off, and your brains just...come pouring out." Marc slid the head restraint down onto Giles' forehead. He reached over and locked it down with a padlock.

"What, exactly, is the trick?" Giles asked.

"Trick?" Marc pulled the chest restraint tighter.

"Marc?"

Marc went over to the block where the rope holding the guillotine blade was tied down. He grabbed his hatchet and took a swing at the rope. Giles was terrified. Marc took another swing. The rope was half cut now.

"M-Marc?"

A third swing, and the rope was almost cut through. The blade slipped a bit. Giles looked up at it in terror. Another swing, and the rope hung by a thread. Marc raised the hatchet for the final cut.

Buffy lunged at him and tackled him to the floor. She leg-sweeped Marc, kicking his legs out from under him as he tried to get up. She stood up and adopted a fighting stance. As Marc tried to get up again, she threw an inverted crescent kick to his face, and he went down again. Marc growled as he started to get up, and Buffy saw the skin on his face was beginning to turn back into its demon state.

"Ewww!" Buffy exclaimed, disgusted.

Marc took advantage of her distraction, jumping up and punching her, then he followed up with a backhand fist to her face. She spun around and fell to the floor. The rope stretched and snapped, and the blade began to fall. Giles yelled out and clamped his eyes shut.

At the last instant, Katrina grabbed the rope from midair and stopped the blade. Giles heard it stop and opened his eyes. He saw it go back up as Katrina pulled on the rope. Buffy got up - but was punched by the demon and fell again. Tara and Amy went to Giles and began to undo the restraints.

"Where are the keys?" Tara asked Giles.

"Marc's got it!"

"Tara!" Katrina kicked the hatchet over to her.

Tara picked it up and began to hack at the lock.

"Hurry!" Giles pleaded.

Buffy got up again and ran over to Marc. She grabbed him and fell backward, pulling him down with her and flipping him over onto his back. She flipped up to her feet and turned to face him in a front stance. When he got up, she punched him in the face and kicked him in the stomach with a hopping front-snap kick. He staggered backward and stumbled into his disappearing-act box, and the door closed on him. Tara kept hacking at the lock on the guillotine.

"How do you lock this thing?" Buffy asked.

That wouldn't have made any difference, because Marc just punched through the box and reached for her. She quickly backed away as he kicked and shoved his way out of the box. He had completely reverted to his demon form. He came at her, grabbed her by the neck, and lifted her from the floor.

"What's happening?!" Giles asked.

Tara kept hacking. The demon slammed Buffy up against a wall with his hand around her throat. He pulled her away and slammed her into the wall again. Amy reached out with her left hand and concentrated. She managed to make Marc stop slamming Buffy, but her hold on him was tenuous, and she was struggling. Katrina could only watch as she held on to the rope. Tara got the lock to break and quickly pulled it off. She and Giles pushed the head restraint up, and he got out as fast as he could. He reached down to undo the restraint at his feet. Tara ran over and pulled Marc backward, knocking him to the floor. Marc got up, but Tara gave him a swift high kick to his face, and he spun around. Buffy hit the demon in the face with an open-hand punch, followed by a backhand punch.

Sid finally showed up, jumped onto the demon's back, and began stabbing with his knife. "I found you!"

Giles got himself loose. He got off the bench as Buffy did a full spinning side kick to the demon's gut, making him stagger back onto the bench and land with his neck in the guillotine.

"Let go!" Buffy yelled to Katrina.

Katrina let go, and the blade fell, chopping off the demon's head. Its body slumped lifeless on the bench. Tara cringed at the sight. They all stared at what was left of the demon.

"Uh...I must say, all of you..." Giles paused. "Your t-timing is impeccable."

"And now for the big finish." Sid positioned himself over the demon's chest with his knife.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked him.

"It's not enough. He'll come back. You have to get the heart. Then all of this'll be over."

Buffy held out her hand for the knife. "Let me."

"I got it. Thanks."

He wielded back with the knife and plunged it into the demon's heart. He pulled back to do it again, but his aim was true the first time, and he just slumped over onto the demon with the knife still in his hands, now a lifeless puppet. Buffy looked at Sid sadly and let out a deep breath. Giles took off his glasses.

Buffy gently lifted Sid from the demon and held him in her arms. She started to walk off stage. "It's over."

She stopped as the curtain was drawn and looked out at the audience. Giles put his glasses back on and stared out as well. Tara was still holding the hatchet as she stood there, looking out at the audience with a nervous look on her face. Amy and Katrina looked out, too.

Buffy looked at Giles. "Giles?"

"Um, go to the library and get your costumes. By the time that you get back here and get changed, most of the other participants will have gone. You may go last."

The gang quickly got off the stage and headed for the side door.

Katrina looked at Amy and grinned. "That was awesome!"

"How did you do that?" Tara asked Amy.

Amy shook her head. "I don't know. I just...concentrated, reached out with my mind. It's like the power came from within me."

Buffy smiled at Amy. "Well, I'm grateful. Thank you."

Amy smiled back at her.

"Um, guys?"

The four girls turned around. Harmony was standing there.

"What's up?" Buffy asked her.

"Um, I don't have a partner for the talent show, so I was wondering, whatever weird thing that you're doing, can I be a part of it?" Harmony asked them.

Buffy smiled in amusement. "Oh, honey, you have no idea what you're asking."


On their way to the library, they briefly hashed out what they were going to do. They got the costumes, returned to the auditorium, went backstage, entered a dressing room, and changed into costumes of their choice. Buffy dressed as Velma Kelly from Chicago, wearing a wig of short, straight black hair and a short, tight black dress. Harmony dressed as a Swedish milkmaid. Amy dressed as a witch and then put Harmony's hair into two braids. Harmony found fake vampire teeth and decided to put them in her mouth. Katrina dressed as a cowgirl. Tara dressed as a fairy.

"I'm gonna go out and let Mr. Giles know we're about ready." Tara opened the door and walked out of the dressing room, closing the door behind her.

Buffy ran over to Amy and Harmony and sat next to Harmony. "Omigod, I'm so nervous. I can't go out there. How did I ever think I could perform in front of people?"

"Wait, so the band's not happening?" Katrina asked her, disappointed.

"I dunno. I want it to. I just..." Buffy groaned.

Harmony rubbed Buffy's shoulders. "Oh, somebody's got stage fright."

"I knew it! I knew this would happen! And my mom's not even here! I hope. Gah!" Buffy exclaimed.

Harmony was a bit nervous. "Um, I've got some coke."

Buffy shrugged. "Eh, I prefer Pepsi, but okay."

"No, I mean..." Harmony pressed her index finger to her nostril and snorted.

"Oh." Buffy paused and thought about it. "Got a key?"

"Nah, Cordy drove me today. Just do it off my nail." Harmony opened her purse and got out a small plastic bag containing fine white powder.

Harmony opened the bag, swiped up some of the cocaine on her finger, and snorted it up her nose. Then she got some for Buffy. Buffy leaned in, pressed a finger to one nostril, and snorted the cocaine up the other nostril.

Amy looked at Harmony. "Give me some."

Harmony did. Amy snorted the cocaine up her nose.

Harmony looked at Katrina. "Want some, Trina?"

Katrina smiled and shook her head. "No, thanks. I'd rather be aware of what's going on around me."

Harmony shrugged, closed the bag, put it back in her purse, and closed her purse.

The door opened, and Tara walked into the dressing room. They could hear music playing.

"Stage light splashing! The feeling's smashing! My heart and soul belong to you!"

Tara closed the door. "Cordy's on right now. We're next."

Harmony stood up and ran up to Tara in excitement. "Isn't this exciting? Our first production! I can't wait till our scene! I love you! Oh!" She hugged Tara.

Tara tentatively hugged Harmony, confused.

Harmony suddenly looked Tara in the eyes, serious. "Don't step on my cues."

"What cues? We're fucking winging this. Are you fucking high?" Tara asked her.

Harmony nodded. "Uh-huh." Then she realized she maybe shouldn't have admitted that. "On...life!" She started laughing awkwardly.

Tara rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She looked at her girlfriend. "Buffy, you ready?"

Buffy stood up, smiled, and nodded. "Uh-huh! Ready to kick some dramatic ass!"

Tara nodded, unsure what to say. "Uh-huh. Good. Good." She kissed Buffy on the lips. "Let's go."

Buffy looked at Katrina, lifted her hat, stuffed her hair under it, and set the hat back on her head. "You're Cowboy Guy."

Katrina was confused. "Um, okay."

Tara opened the door, and they left the dressing room and headed toward the stage.

"This is my time to be a star!" Cordelia finished.

The audience applauded.

"Thank you, Cordelia Chase. Next, we have...um, just a moment, please." Giles came backstage. "All right, everyone!"

Buffy was excited. She could barely contain herself.

Giles clapped his hands for attention. "Pay attention!"

The five girls gathered around Giles.

"In just a few moments, that curtain is going to open on our very first production. Stay in character, remember your lines, and energy energy energy!"

Buffy was really excited. It was all that she could do to not bounce off the walls. Harmony walked over to Giles.

"Just do your best and-"

Harmony grabbed his shoulders and tried to bite him.

"-power through it." Giles looked at Harmony. "Stop that."

Harmony stopped for a moment.

"All right, you're in costume, and there are some props over here." Giles gestured at some items that hadn't been put back into storage.

Harmony was still trying to bite Giles.

Giles looked at Harmony. "That's very annoying." He looked at all of them. "Now, go on out there, do your best, and have a wonderful time."

Harmony kept trying to bite Giles.

Giles looked at her. "Stop it." He looked at all of them. "Good luck, everyone! Break a leg!" He went out onto the stage.

Buffy and Tara walked over to the props. They lifted a sofa and moved it into place. Harmony picked up a yoke with buckets on either end.

"Now, doing a dramatic scene, here are Buffy Anne Summers, Tara Maclay, Amy Madison, Katrina Silber, and Harmony Kendall."

The audience applauded. The girls took their places. Katrina stood on the left with her hands on her belt. Harmony put on the yoke and stood in the middle. On the right, Buffy reclined seductively on the sofa. Amy waited off to the left, and Tara waited off to the right. The curtain was drawn.

Katrina swaggered over to Harmony and pushed up her cowboy hat. "Why, hello, little lady. Can I hold those milk pails for you?"

That got some laughter from the audience.

Harmony smiled. "Why, thank you, but they're not very heavy. Why have you come to our lonely, small town, which has no post office and very few exports?"

"I've come looking for a man." Katrina looked directly at the audience. "A salesman."

Tara and Amy came onto the stage, walked behind the other girls, and pretended to engage in a magical battle. They were completely ignored by the others.

Harmony dropped the yoke on the floor, walked over to the sofa, and sat down. She started crying. Buffy stood up and angrily walked over to Katrina. Katrina stood expressionless, staring directly at the audience and refusing to make eye contact with Buffy.

Buffy stared at Katrina with contempt. "But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your...sales!" Buffy said all of this in one breath without pause or inflection.

Harmony sobbed throughout.

Tara bopped Amy on the head with her magic wand.

Amy fell on her ass. "I am vanquished!"

Tara faced the audience, raised her wand in the air with her left hand, and gestured at the fallen Amy with her right hand. "Lo! I have slain the witch!"

Aside from Harmony's continued sobbing, they were done. They hadn't come up with any additional material. They just waited awkwardly for any kind of a reaction from the audience.

Mercifully, Giles gestured for the curtain to be lowered. The performers breathed a sigh of relief.


Tara drove Buffy home on her scooter. As they reached the house, they saw a large, dark blue van parked in the driveway.

"What the fuck?" Buffy asked.

Tara parked in the driveway. She and Buffy got off the scooter and stored their helmets. Buffy picked up her bookbag. They walked up to the front door. Buffy took out her house key and unlocked the door.

Buffy opened the door and let Tara walk in first. Then Buffy walked in. She closed and locked the door.

They walked into the dining room.

Joyce was putting dinner on the table. "Oh, hey, girls. How was the talent show?"

Buffy smiled tightly. "Oh, it was...somethin'."

Tara nodded. "Samuel Beckett would be very proud."

Joyce realized she had set three plates on the table automatically. "Oh! Tara, are you staying for dinner?"

Tara hadn't planned on it, but she welcomed the offer with a smile. "Um, okay, thank you."

Joyce sat at the head of the table. Buffy sat to Joyce's right, and Tara sat to Joyce's left.

"Um, Mom, whose ugly-ass van is that in the driveway?" Buffy asked.

"Yours."

Buffy was about to cut her steak, but then she looked up at her mother in shock. "What?!"

"Well, you kept asking for a car, and you mentioned wanting to start a band, so I figured you could haul your gear in a van. It's a '74 Ford Ecoline, but it's in decent shape. Are you serious about being a musician?"

Buffy nodded. "Yes!"

"All right. Then you can start paying me back when you start getting gigs. I want it all paid back by the time that you finish college."

Buffy nodded. "Okay. Thank you." She paused and frowned. "How much we' talkin' 'bout?"

"A little over five grand."

Tara whistled.

"That's...doable." Buffy didn't sound convincing, not even to herself. She stuck a piece of steak in her mouth and chewed.


After dinner, Tara and Buffy went upstairs and entered Buffy's bedroom. Buffy turned on the light and then turned to face Tara. The two girls hugged each other and started making out.

Buffy's eyes widened when she noticed something, and she abruptly stopped kissing Tara. "Holy shit."

"What?" Tara turned and looked.

Sitting on a stand next to Buffy's bed was a wine-red electric guitar.

"It's yours, too."

Buffy and Tara looked at Joyce, who was standing in the doorway.

Joyce smiled. "It's a '95 Gibson Les Paul Studio. You don't have to pay me back for it; it's a freebie. There's also an amplifier, a microphone, and a stand in the basement. I figure you can use it as a practice space - and do the laundry."

Buffy smiled in amusement. "Well played." She walked over and hugged her mother. "Thank you."

Joyce hugged her daughter. "Sure. You and your friends are responsible for getting the rest of your gear."

Buffy and Joyce released each other.

Tara smiled. "I can bring my synthesizer over tomorrow, and we can jam."

Buffy laughed. "It'll probably sound more like jelly." She curled her arms around Tara's neck. "Still, I bet I can get a few pleasant notes out of you tonight."

"Okaaay, that's my cue to leave." Joyce headed for the door. "Tara, don't stay too long."

Tara nodded. "Right. Good night, Mrs. Summers."

"Good night, girls."

Buffy nodded. "Good night, Mom."

Joyce closed the door behind her.

Tara lay on Buffy's bed. Buffy lay on top of her, and the two girls resumed their makeout session.