Author's Note
Last of the re-upload.
Uploaded
04/17/2024
Legend below
"Hey there hun!" = Speech.
''Great, make a fool out of myself.'' = Thought.
Rated-M for language and mature themes, nudity, blood, violence and mentions of blood and gore, suicide and depression.
Chapter 4
Out of his comfort zone
It shouldn't bother him.
It shouldn't have bothered him like just so many other things.
Because he was Uchiha Sasuke, seemingly impervious to such things. He wasn't the kind that let little things get to him, or, at least, he wasn't the type to ever let others know that.
So, that being the case, he shouldn't be bothered now, after he left the lunch with his…
Friends…?
The food wasn't bad, nor was the company all things considered.
That wasn't the problem.
It was the table conversation that had come up, and how he'd become the center of attention. Technically he'd been said center of attention since he entered the building, but that was besides the point.
Lee had seen Anko making out with him the day before his lunch with them, and had blatantly let everyone know. That didn't really upset him, maybe embarrass him slightly at most.
But he wasn't upset. It was such a little thing, he'd have to be childish to let it get to him like it would others.
That's why it wasn't the conversation that had him so lost in his own head when he left the restaurant.
No. It was the fact that he couldn't get his mind off of her. He'd planned on going right back to training after he left, but after fifteen minutes of wandering around the village, he realized that he hadn't even thought about Itachi since he entered the restaurant.
All he'd thought about was her, and then bringing such a topic as relationships up had only made that worse.
For a moment, a long moment, he'd allowed himself to get lost in something that didn't pertain to his revenge plan.
And…
Well…
He didn't know how to feel about that. About the fact that he was spending all this time associating with his fellow Ninja, and not focusing on what was most important to him.
And what was most important to him?
Well, the answer was obvious.
He wanted to kill his brother and avenge his clan…
If that was the case, then why did he not even seem one hundred percent convinced that it was the case, even inside his own head? Thinking it now, there was a part of him that told him that he was lying to himself. Vengeance was still a priority, true. But it has shifted its place around in his mind, and for the first time in years, it wasn't the entire focus of his dedicated and focused attention.
Something else was beginning to start taking a stab at first place.
Days had passed since, and he struggled to keep his mind off of her.
She hadn't sought him out, yet he continued to see her throughout the village…
But, every time he saw her, she'd be halfway into her third drink, whether it be at the bar he'd met her at, or another.
He wasn't going to let it bother him, but after days of seeing the same downward spiral, he realized it did bother him.
It bothered him a whole lot more then he thought possible, and he wasn't going to feel comfortable with himself until he did something about it.
And, speak of the devil.
After finding himself wandering around the village aimlessly one afternoon, he found himself once more outside the bar that he'd met Anko at before.
And, if that wasn't bad enough, he saw her already inside, drinking her life away at the bar stand.
''Don't get yourself involved, it's none of your concern, she's her own woman, she can take care of herself.'' That's what he told himself, seemingly unconcerned. ''Obviously she's an adult, she can make her own decisions. It's not my problem she wants to drink her life away.'' Was the Uchiha in his blood speaking, telling what he should think.
So he was questioning everything when he found himself walking inside to sit beside her once more, like she had him just yesterday.
He slipped into a barstool beside her, quietly watching her as she casually downed another glass of bear.
And from the looks of it, it was not her first one.
"What…? Come here to take advantage of a drunk woman…? You want to see if you can't get your rocks off with someone out of your league? Because, I'll warn you now, try anything and you won't have a dick to use on me anyway…" Anko blatantly threatened, not even turning to look his way.
Her voice was slurred, clearly effected by her heavy drinking.
"No, wasn't planning on it. The last time we both had something to drink you ended up making out with me in front of your apartment. I think I'm going to hold off on alcohol for a little…" Sasuke muttered dryly, blinking at the side of her head.
The woman's cheeks warmed in embarrassment, turning to find the definitely not concerned black eyes of the Uchiha totally not staring at her with worry hidden behind his gaze.
Because he was Uchiha Sasuke, the man who was only worried about himself and things that pertained to him.
Obviously.
"Oh, it's you again…" She said, having lost all that heat she held just moments ago. "What do you want, Stud?" She asked blankly.
''To leave and mind my own business.'' Is what he didn't say. "Checking on you, Mitarashi-Senpai." He spoke, hands clasped in front of his face, elbows up on the bar.
His voice and tone told anyone looking that he didn't seem to care, but the fact that he was here, sitting beside her, and asking about her, told her different.
Also, the name he so casually referred to her as.
She scoffed. "You can drop that now…" She muttered, finding her eyes lost in the beer glass in front of her.
She didn't sound all that convinced of her own words.
But she still threw them at him.
"Why are you still here? Do you have a death wish or something? Go away." She snapped defensively, turning a glare on him only partially blurred by her inebriation. ''Or stay, please stay.'' Is what she didn't say.
If possible, his eyes widened a bit.
He was silent for a long moment, before he stood up.
She didn't look, didn't turn to watch him leave her, his back turned to her. If she went to watch him leave, it would make it hurt so much more.
So, that's why she was surprised when she felt his hand on her arm, his grip firm. She looked up in surprise, eyes showing that look of vulnerability openly, if only for but a brief moment, then it was gone.
"Come on, you can't stay here." He muttered sharply, eyes dark and strong. ''I don't like seeing you drinking yourself into a coma, I'm not leaving you here alone…'' Went unsaid by him.
"You think you can just drag me around?" She asked sharply. ''Thank god, anywhere but this shit hole…''
"Hn." He muttered, not willing to elaborate further.
She tried to be upset about being dragged away, but she couldn't manage to make the look seem correct on her face.
Plus, the look's people gave her when they saw the Uchiha Sasuke dragging her around made her heart do something she didn't understand.
"My my, I didn't know you were so blunt. If you wanted to drag me to your bed you could've just as-" Anko teased, trying to get a reaction out of him.
But he stopped suddenly, nearly making her bump into him. He turned around sharply, his eyes carrying a sudden intensity to them that it completely caught her off guard.
"Is that why you were there that night?" He asked suddenly, his voice almost… tight, with anxiety.
"I'm afraid I don't follow." Anko tried, pretending to not see what he was getting at.
Sasuke paused, a vulnerable expression crossing his face. He looked down, averting his eyes from her own.
She found her usual urge to tease him suddenly silenced, instead almost earnestly waiting to see what he was going to say.
She wasn't sure why she was so inclined to do so, but she desperately wanted to know suddenly.
"Drowning yourself… won't change anything." He muttered, almost too quietly for her to hear. But, she did hear him, his words echoing out in her mind like the ringing in her ears that followed an explosion. "Pretending it never happened won't-…" He bit his tongue, looking like he was struggling to contain his emotions. "It won't bring them back, it can't change what happened…"
He was quiet for a moment, not saying anything. She was silent, dead silent.
He finally turned to face her, finding that the snake bitch persona was nowhere to be found. Anko's eyes were wide, mouth slightly ajar as if her breath had been stripped away.
He opened his mouth as if to speak, but couldn't. He clicked his mouth closed, realizing that, perhaps he had said too much.
But he was this far in anyway, he couldn't back out now.
It wasn't the Uchiha way.
"I… I don't want-… I can't stand seeing you drowning yourself… I.. I don't know why…" He trailed off quietly, unable to look her in the eyes.
"…" She didn't respond, didn't speak. Her silence was all the answer he needed.
He shook his head, knowing he'd upset her with his words. But he didn't regret saying them. He pulled away, letting her hand go.
"I'm sorry for upsetting you…" He apologized, pulling away from her. He didn't look back, but he assumed her silence was her answer. "Forget I said anything."
He took ten steps away before vanishing in a swirl of leaves, leaving a small breeze in his absence.
But…
But Anko wasn't angry.
No she…
Wanted..
She wanted to thank him…
She wanted to grab him, hug him, because he understood. She wanted to grab his hand as he walked away, tell him that she needed him to say that again…
That she needed him to tell her that she…
That she was wanted, that he cared for her.
That's why he was there that day, because he cared, because he didn't want to see her continue to hurt herself…
He stopped her, because he cared. And she wasn't sure she could say that about anyone else.
So, if that was the case, then why…?
Why didn't she reach out? Why didn't she tell him that?
Why did she stand there silently while he walked away, allowing him to think he'd upset her?
She wasn't upset at him, not after what he'd said to her. So…
Why'd she let him go…?
Why couldn't she just express her feelings like a normal fucking human being?! Why couldn't she just tell him how she felt?! Why was this so god damn hard?!
She wasn't aware that she'd been grinding her teeth, standing there in the road with tears leaking from her eyes.
She felt like she was in a trance, placed into a position where she saw exactly what she wanted, and knew exactly what to do to get what it was that she wanted. He was right there, openly offering his heart to her, showing her his weakness, his vulnerability, opening him up to her.
All she had to do was do the same, return that expression to him and tell him that she was happy he felt that way.
That's all she had to do to do the right thing.
But what did she do?
Nothing.
Absolutely fucking nothing.
All she had to do was grab his arm and tell him.
That's all she had to do.
But no…
She stood there like an uncaring person, absolute in her self isolation, and she rejected him in his moment of openness to her.
He was someone that knew her to some personal degree, more than many else did. He knew who she was, what her past was like, what her current life was like and the countless troubles that assaulted her heart and mind, and he cared for her.
He wasn't some guy that expressed interest in her in the half assed context that he totally wasn't trying to sweet talk his way into her pants, but because he saw her suffering, and could relate to her troubles. More than that, because he could relate to her, he saw her suffering and wanted to do something about it to help her.
Because he, Uchiha Sasuke, the uncaring cold hearted vengeful man that seemingly only ever cared about exacting his revenge on the one that ruined his life, actually showed that he cared about someone other than himself.
And what did she do when approached by said young man with this information?
Nothing.
She stood there and allowed him to incorrectly reach the conclusion that she didn't care and that he'd offended her on some deep personal level.
But he hadn't!
So…
Why couldn't she tell him that…?
He was such an idiot.
He'd let the other's convince him to open himself up to her and tell her how he felt, whatever those feelings may be.
The one time he allowed control to be taken away from him, giving someone else the reins by allowing himself to follow through with someone else's suggestion, he'd messed up.
He didn't know what he thought would happen, didn't know what the outcome of the situation would be. Hell, he wasn't even sure what it was he was hoping for that would happen.
Nevertheless, whatever it was he could've been hoping for definitely didn't happen. More than that, it all backfired and exploded in his face, exactly like he always assumed things in life would were he to put his trust in someone else.
Why was it so hard?
Naruto did that all the time, always putting her trust and faith in others. And it worked!
It always worked when the stupid blond knucklehead did it, every time!
So why…?!
Why did it backfire when he did it? Why did it fall apart so quickly and quietly? Why was it all so one sided?
She didn't get angry at him, didn't explode and shout at him like others would.
She just stood there, silent.
That's what bothered him more than anything, the silence. It was like he was talking to a corpse…
It was that look in her eyes when she forgot to keep her guard up, that look he saw in her dull brown eyes when her mask was down that made him shiver.
She looked dead. It was the eyes of someone that had given up on life and happiness, someone that didn't have anything left to live for.
It reminded him of himself, far more than he wanted it to.
That's what scared him, because that's what he used to look like before…
Before Naruto shoved her stupid way into his stupid heart. That's how he felt sometimes, but she'd always been there to kick his ass back into shape, and now he had Kakashi and Sakura to occasionally keep him in check.
It…
It never removed those thoughts from him, and they sometimes consumed him daily. But, even at his worst, even when he was drowning in his sorrow, he knew somewhere in his heart that he had a reason to keep going. He had a reason to not give up, a reason to keep fighting.
He had to avenge his clan, and restore the honor of the Uchiha. He had to become stronger so that he could prevent something like this horrible atrocity from ever happening again. He needed to become strong enough that any outside threats that came for his precious people would find themselves hard pressed to move forward.
Before a few days ago, that list of precious people was narrowed down to three. Naruto was at the top of that list, for reasons he still didn't understand about himself, with Sakura and Kakashi somewhere behind her.
But, that number had risen from a three to a four.
He didn't know how, or when it happened, but Mitarashi-Senpai had snuck her way into his heart. He wasn't sure where she stood in his heart, whether it be just someone he knew, a friend he cared about, or perhaps something more personal.
But, that didn't matter right now. What she was exactly to him wasn't important, because all that matters was the fact that she was important to him.
He just…
He just wished she said something, anything, to let him know that she knew that he cared about her. Because, he knew well what it was like to completely lack anyone that cared for him.
After he lost everything, he didn't have anyone that cared personally.
Until he met that whiskered blond that would forever cement her place in his heart as someone that cared about him. She was the sister he never had, and although he'd never told her as such, he would be forever grateful to her because of that.
He was rambling now, falling down a spiral of thoughts that lead nowhere, and only served to make him more frustrated.
It was why his hands were so bloody now, having retreated to his personal training grounds to vent said frustrations against a particularly abused training post that had certainly seen better days.
It had started off with him keeping his reflexes on his Tai-Jutsu style sharp and on point, and had quickly devolved him beating the ever loving shit out of the wooden post.
He recoiled sharply when a certain pain traveled up his darkened and bloody fingers, telling him he'd broken something.
He hissed openly, cradling the bloody limb to his chest. He sighed deeply, feeling no better now than he did before he began kicking the shit out of the poor post.
But there was no use dwelling on it now, he'd already broken his hand…
He supposed a visit to the hospital was in order.
He just hoped Sakura wasn't there that day, because he'd never hear the end of it if she learned he'd broken his hand…
He coughed absentmindedly as he left the training grounds behind, wiping his mouth with the clean backside of his hand.
He sneered when he realized he now had blood on the other side of his hand too, perhaps his bleeding fingers the culprit of the spreading red…
The doors to the hospital slid open, revealing a surprisingly busy lobby.
He hated making an entrance, but apparently entering into the hospital with bleeding hands was enough of a reason for people to stop and stare.
His expression faltered, already in a terrible mood.
Unfortunately, his fears of having to deal with the clone of his Hokage harping on his ass was coming true, as a familiar head of pink hair took notice of his state.
To say her mood went from cheery, to surprised, to angry/concerned in the span of three seconds would not be an understatement.
"What the hell happened…?" Said clone of Tsunade asked, hands on her hips in the same way as the busty blond Hokage.
Seeing as he hadn't thought this far ahead, he grunted in his usual way before he averted his eyes. "I was training." He responded sharply, a bit more irritation leaking into his voice than usual. "It's fine." He added after a moment.
However, it was clear to her that it wasn't fine. Not by a long shot.
That and, just from looking at his hands, and knowing exactly how Sasuke trained, she easily broke apart his blatant lie.
Perhaps, yes he may have been training, but his usual training would never leave him with a broken and bleeding hand.
Something else was going on here, and he wasn't telling her about it.
"Come on, I'll check you out." She said, a tone of resignation leaking from her. Wisely, the lone Uchiha followed her to the back.
It took her a while, but after a healing session with her medical Nin-Jutsu, he was practically as good as new. All he was left with in the end was an aching hand, and a newfound deep seated exhaustion that slammed into him with the weight of a train.
When she finally finished he looked ready to collapse into the chair she'd had him sitting in.
The pink haired girl wiped her forehead clean of sweat, sitting in her chair across from him. She couldn't pretend that she wasn't concerned for him.
It wasn't like Sasuke to train so intensely that he actively hurt himself. It wasn't like him to look so irritated, so angry, perhaps at himself for reasons she couldn't understand without context.
If that wasn't bad enough, once she was done healing him, he'd perfectly regained his mask of total outward neutrality, looking as if he regarded every in the world as nothing to him, a total air of cold lonely superiority. A look that was so totally Uchiha Sasuke, last loyal Uchiha to the hidden leaf, but not Sasuke-Kun, the young man she called her teammate and friend.
It was the same look he had on his face every day for years back when he was younger, a look that Naruto had slowly chipped away until it was softer, more natural, more approachable looking.
But it was gone now, and she couldn't help but realize that there was only one reason he'd resorted to that old outward mask. He was shutting everything out again, and she didn't know why.
"You should be good to go now…" She intoned. She wanted to ask what happened, why he was so upset at himself, but she knew better. Right now, trying to peak into his issues was only going to shove him away faster then she could recover.
And, even then, he was gone the moment she released him.
Right now, there was probably one specific person that was capable of getting through to him. But she wasn't that person, nor did she know who was…
She sighed, looking out the open hospital window.
She despised being on the outside, being relegated to a position that allowed her to peak into the lives of her two teammates, but one that left her painfully unable to offer help in any way.
It was an unfortunate truth that she'd never be able to relate to Sasuke, not in the way that Naruto could. And, even then, Naruto could only relate so much to the clan-less loner.
After all, it was practically impossible to relate to someone who'd lost family in the numbers that neared two thousand…
There was a whole bag of trauma and issues that she'd never be able to relate to him on, which made her words and the way she'd treated him when she was younger that much more unacceptable.
She was glad she was friends with him now, but she knew that she would only ever be that.
Friends and teammates, but nothing more…
The door to his house shut quietly, leaving him in silence.
Then again, the Uchiha compound was always silent nowadays. He doubted sometimes that it would ever again be filled with life.
He took off his shirt, haphazardly tossing it and his sword to the side, leaving him in only his pants.
He passed by the mirror in his bedroom, noticing not for the first time that as he aged his face began to look more and more like his wretched older brother's. Those baleful black lines stretching down from his eyes, the sharpness of his features.
Everything about himself reminded him of that man, and he was useless in changing that.
Thinking about his brother now, he couldn't help but return to the question that had been plaguing him since he was eight years old.
Why?
Why did he do it?
Why did Itachi go insane, what drove him to slaughter his entire clan?
Was he really that greedy that he'd go so far so as to put down his entire people just for the sake of power?
Was he truly just insane, and the brother he remembered when he was a child was just a ploy, a facade?
"If you truly want to seek revenge, then grow stronger. Stay alive, do whatever you must for power, and once you have it, come face me. Maybe then your power will be a good as mine."
That's what he'd said, standing there covered in their mother and father's blood that night. He'd looked as if he could not care less about what he'd done, the terrible sins he'd committed for the sake of power not weighing him down.
That's why he had to do what he had to, that's why he had to become stronger.
Never again would this tragedy be allowed to repeat itself, he'd make damn sure of it.
He tore his gaze away from the mirror, falling face first onto his bed.
He was tired, exhausted, and completely over the day. He'd take tomorrow on with whatever it brought, but for tonight he was done.
He sighed into his pillow, before rolling over to his side, sleep quickly taking him...
Chapter
4
End
