I have no idea what time it is, but the sun has been up long enough to indicate trying to sleep would really be pointless. Restlessness and less than optimal sleep are more usual than not, but it usually happens in the comfort of my own home. At least now it would not attract questions if I am up and about. My knees ache as I gently slide off the top bunk, careful not to wake the person still sleeping below. The morning light shines through the dirt streaked window panes, casting thin rays of illumination across the condensation coating every surface inside the dam.
I didn't want to admit it at first, but I'm beginning to regret offering to come along. Our group has been camped for a week attempting to fix the turbine and we've hardly made any progress. Not that staying behind would have made much of a difference - there would still be no power whether I was in Jackson or out here. I push the thought aside and pull the cleanest shirt from my bag over my head before grabbing a jacket and heading toward the makeshift kitchen we set up in the old break room. "Cleanest" is a generous description - everything we brought seems to hold the faintest smell of mildew and sweat. For once, I'm actually excited about the idea of doing laundry.
"Someone's up early," Tommy hands over a small mug and I accept without question, steam rising and warming my cheeks.
"Couldn't sleep," My response is nonchalant as I lift the cup to my lips. I wish it was something stronger than herbal tea, but none of us had anticipated the stay to continue this long, so the already minimal coffee stash ran out two days ago.
"Why don't you head back to town today?" He offers. "Everyone else has taken a rotation and gone back except for you."
"I'm good, Tommy," My assurance is foolish - I know full well a rebuttal will follow. "They all have families to check on, and I don't say that as a self-pity thing, it's just the truth. I'm good, I promise." Maybe it is a little bit of a self-pity thing, but I'm not going to linger on that thought.
"Esther isn't going back to check on anyone," As expected, he calls my bluff, "Sometimes it's just nice to be in your own space for a night,"
"I'm good. Really, I'd tell you if I wasn't,"
"I'm sure you would…" The sarcasm in his voice is thick, but he knows not to push it. "Try to at least take it a little bit easier today. The guys are already over workin' on the turbine. Maria's with 'em now."
Location has nothing to do with my ability to get a night of restful sleep. At least here I can find distraction among the people I know best instead of killing time waiting for them to come back home. The Millers have been the closest thing to family I've found since coming to Jackson. The settlement was a glorified camp when I was allowed in, with a few thriving farms surrounded by an electrified fence in an abandoned town where the houses were slowly being restored one by one. It had been growing slowly, but surely with new families coming along and building the kind of life we all thought could not be possible after the Outbreak. Maria had a vision and we were all willing to work toward it together. As the settlement continued to grow, our systems adapted to accommodate. Assignments were created for jobs, such as farming or patrolling to secure the surrounding areas. The ongoing challenge we face is how to defend the dam. As the only major source of electricity in the area, it's a prime target for bandits. Between the turbines wearing down from age and bandit attacks, it is necessary to have a regular patrol to cover the dam. At this point, Infected seem to be becoming less of an immediate concern.
"One attempt already failed," Maria appears from around the corner, her voice struggling to mask the defeat we are all battling.
"They'll get it goin' again," Tommy is either far more confident, or great at faking it. My gut tells me it's the latter. "They're smart guys, it just takes some time."
"It's been a week," I chime in, even though I know my commentary is not all that helpful. Maybe I should have taken after my bunkmate and slept a little longer.
"We'll get it workin'," Tommy insists. Where Maria is the realism and vision behind Jackson's success, Tommy is the optimism that has kept the vision alive when times are hard. "Give 'em some time and we'll check on them again later. Take the pressure off 'em for a little bit."
"No one wants the boss watching over their shoulder," I toss Maria a teasing look in an attempt to lighten the stress.
"I'm going to check on the horses," Maria ignores us both, placing a quick kiss on Tommy's cheek before heading out to the makeshift stables. She bears the weight of our growing discontent and not having an answer will be eating away at her.
"You two are gross,"
Tommy chuckles, leaning against the counter as he drains the last sip from his mug. "Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. Well, I better go check on the guys, try and boost morale and whatnot. You good to help patrol the gates?"
"If that's where you need me,"
Tommy motions toward the rifle resting against the counter and I realize it was placed there specifically for me. I sit my mug down and arch my back in an attempt to stretch the stiff muscles around my spine before silently strapping the rifle over my shoulder and heading outside.
His offer to go home is tempting. Throughout the week, each member of the team has taken a rotation off to go back to Jackson and rest, except for me. Whenever the opportunity came up, I have made an excuse to stay behind or played it off, insisting those with families go back to spend time with their kids. But as the week wears on, I'm beginning to think that a night in my own bed - even without power - could be a beneficial change of scenery. Right now, all I'm offering are sarcastic quips and another mouth to feed.
A damp chill hits the moment I step out the door. There has been an unending mist of light rain for the past week which makes it seemingly impossible to keep anything dry. In an attempt to keep the moisture from at least one layer of clothing, I fumble with the zipper on my jacket. Despite being damp, the patch of skin between my neck and shoulder still feels thick and catches against the well worn collar as I pull it into place. Several people are already out and about, clearly working before dawn on their assigned tasks. As I approach the man closest to me patrolling the gates, he greets me with immediate sarcasm.
"Another day in paradise," Earl's hardhat fails to block the falling mist from coating his face, but he hardly seems to notice.
"Tommy seems to think we're getting closer,"
"What does Maria think?" Earl takes a few steps forward and I follow suit. We both know that Maria's judgment is the one to follow. My silence is answer enough. "That's what I thought."
"Let's just try to remain optimistic," I am not even really convincing myself, but it does not take much for morale to fall. Maybe channeling some of Tommy's positive outlook would cause me to believe it myself. "Maybe today is the one that turns it all around,"
"We'll see," Earl sighs, "I'd just be happy if this damn rain would let up,"
By the end of the patrol shift, the turbine still is not working.
Even Tommy is beginning to falter, each failed attempt slowly limiting our options for bringing the power back. But with an entire settlement depending on us, we cannot give up until every possible resource has been exhausted.
"Houser is coming to relieve you, Earl!" Tommy calls out, radio in hand as he coordinates the schedule. "Go home to your family,"
"I'll go when -" Earl begins to reply, but he is cut short by the abrupt sounds of clanging metal.
My pulse quickens and hands instantly fly to the weapon on my back.
The lock on the front gate rattles, echoing through the open air and alerting every individual in sight. The instinctual sound of rounds being chambered reverberates through the dam as they take positions, preparing for the oncoming attack. I follow behind Tommy, skipping steps as we ascend the watch tower and brace myself above the main gate, staring down the scope of my rifle toward the intruders below.
"Don't even think about reaching for your weapon. Tell the girl to drop hers now!" Maria orders, her weapon fixated on the two people below. She has positioned herself on the opposite post above the gate, drawing attention away from us and directly to her. For once, there are no bandits waiting to challenge us - only two people are standing below.
A man wearing faded red flannel raises his hands in surrender, concerned eyes watching his companion. Even from above I can see the gray streaks scattered through his dark hair and beard. Looking closer, it is evident the girl pointing the pistol back up at us can't be any older than 14 years old, with red hair pulled back into a ponytail above her neck.
"Ellie, do as the lady says," He instructs in a familiar, deep southern accent. Hesitantly, the girl agrees and follows his lead by raising her hands.
"Please tell me you're lost," Maria does not back down, mentally assessing the unusual situation.
"We didn't know the place was occupied," The man assures her, his voice calm and steady as he keeps his hands raised. This is not his first time facing down the barrel of a gun, judging by his calculated demeanor. "We're just trying to make our way through."
Tommy lowers his weapon as Maria continues to question the man, and my focus shifts from the conversation at hand to his movements. My shoulders tense, holding my own weapon tighter as I see the scene play out. He has to have a good reason for backing down, but none come to mind.
"They're alright," Tommy begins to descend the steps of the guard tower, rifle thrown over his back.
"What, you know these people?" Maria is clearly as confused as the rest of us, alarmed that Tommy is moving unarmed toward the locked gate as though he intends to let these strangers inside.
"I know him," Tommy sighs, his tone unclear while opening the gate. He stands eye to eye with the man before continuing. "He's my goddamn brother,"
"Tommy…" The man's expression is somewhere between relief and disbelief as Tommy strides within arms reach through the gate.
"Holy shit," Tommy embraces his brother enthusiastically, hands slapping against backs as they hold onto each other. Across the gate, Maria and I exchange a cautious look, and she nods to indicate I should lower my weapon as well. It is only once Maria begins to descend the stairs herself that I dare to move, staying inside the gate as she goes out to join the group. Not everyone in our group shares Tommy and Maria's quick acceptance of the new arrivals.
"What the hell is happening?" Earl asks, craning his neck to see around the small opening left in the gate.
"A man and a girl, like a young girl," I explain, watchful eyes staying alert toward the reunion taking place. "Tommy says it's his brother,"
"Shit…was he expecting him?"
"No. Definitely not."
While many prefer to keep their histories carefully guarded, Tommy has always been open about his past and how the Outbreak had driven a wedge between him and his older brother. From my understanding, they had not spoken in years, long before Tommy found his way to Jackson. My understanding was that they held very differing opinions on the Fireflies, so it did not go over well when Tommy decided to join. Despite his departure from their ranks, there had been no amends made between the two.
"I wonder how he found him," Earl continues, still trying to get a glimpse of the group. They are taking an unusual amount of time outside the safety of the steel gate and it starts to concern me. There is something unsettling about this entire situation and I am a few simple moments away from crossing some boundaries and stepping in, though I am not sure what I would actually do.
"From what Tommy and Maria have told me, he's a smuggler - used to be a hunter, but gave it up when Tommy joined the Fireflies. I'm sure he has his ways of finding people," I am all too aware that my voice drips with disgust as the more prominent, violent stories Tommy has shared about their time in a hunter group flash through your mind.
"It's alright! They're friendlies," Maria motions for all weapons to be lowered as they open the gates to let the newcomers inside. Though we are all continuing to watch them with caution, I cannot help but notice the joy spreading across Tommy's face as he begins explaining the setup to his estranged brother.
"C'mon and meet everyone," Tommy is leading them over to where Earl and I are standing. Neither of us even pretend to share his enthusiasm. "Y'all won't believe who showed up here. This is my big brother, Joel. These are two of Jackson's hardest working citizens,"
Even as Tommy introduces both of us by name, I remain skeptical. Tommy may be ready to swiftly move forward from the past, but that is exactly the lack of caution that gets you killed. Joel simply nods in acknowledgment, no indication of emotion in his expression. Likely, he shares this guarded approach to the situation. Before much more judgment can be cast, my attention is caught by the excitement coming from the young girl - I think he had called her Ellie, but I'm not going to put too much effort into remembering - that came with him through the gates.
"Oh shit, you guys have horses!" She exclaims, walking cautiously toward the animals despite her evident excitement. How long have they been traveling on foot?
Truthfully, the situation begins to feel like too much. My head is spinning and a cold sweat coats the back of my neck, a mixture of anxiety and draining adrenaline from the anticipated ambush we believed to be taking place. The excitement over the horses provides the perfect distraction, so I am able to slip back inside the dam without attention. Without much thought, I return to the break room area and carefully slip the rifle strap off my shoulder, propping it against the counter before dropping into one of the gathered chairs.
Joel made Tommy a worse person. That was exactly how Maria laid it out when discussing family history. While Tommy spoke openly about his life before Jackson, he curated a very intentional, largely vague tale to conceal the horrific violence he had experienced in his time as a hunter. It was only once I grew closer to the couple and began spending time in their home that I learned the true, unfiltered versions of the stories he shared with everyone else.
The Outbreak forced us all to consider parts of ourselves we never knew could exist, to make decisions that once seemed outrageous and impossible and face the worst parts of humanity. But the way the Millers tell it, Joel embraced those moments that the rest of us tried so hard to avoid. He and Tommy inflicted unspeakable suffering freely on others before Tommy broke away from their group of hunters to join the Fireflies. Refusing to believe in a cure or any hope for survival, Joel and a woman from their group headed off to Boston, becoming smugglers passing illegal goods between the QZs. Tommy came to Jackson and found redemption, spoke with genuine remorse of his previous actions and worked diligently to create a new life. Joel gave up his family for his own callus, violent needs.
"Right in here - we've got plenty for you to eat," I hear Maria coming before she passes through the door. The girl is behind her, but Tommy and Joel are notably absent. I jump up a little too quickly, attempting to appear as though I had returned to this room with a practical purpose instead of hiding like an overwhelmed child. If Maria notices my demeanor, she does not choose to address it. Instead, she gestures for the girl to take one of the seats as she pulls from the food supply carefully stored atop the counter.
It must have been awhile since they have eaten judging by the ferocity with which the girl eats. I'm still unsure what her relation is to Joel - perhaps his smuggling services have extended beyond simple drugs and weapons.
"I know you said it's complicated -" Maria resumes a conversation that must have begun before they came into the room, "-but if you tell me where you are headed, we are more likely to be able to help."
"Joel said it was best not to tell anyone," The girl's mouth is full as she speaks.
"I hear you, Ellie..." Maria cuts her eyes in my direction, indicating I should pay attention to the conversation taking place. "But if you tell us a little more about where you're headed, we can probably help you. A lot of traders pass through this area, so we have supplies that could be helpful to you and Joel,"
"This is the best fucking jerky I have ever eaten in my life," Ellie seems to ignore Maria's question, nearly inhaling the last piece of jerky from the plate in front of her before taking a long drink from the glass of water in her hand. I don't know what to say, so I simply continue standing in front of my chair and watching the interaction unfold.
"How long has it been since you've had anything to eat?"
"I don't know," Ellie shrugs, "A long fucking while. Can I take something to Joel? It's been longer for him since he insisted that I eat the last can of beans we had..."
It seems unlikely that Joel would be making sure his cargo ate before he did, but the distinct sounds of gunfire echoing in the distance halt any further line of questioning.
"Get down!" Without missing a beat, Maria jumps up and slams the break room door shut before ducking behind the counter. Ellie quickly follows, dropping to her knees from the chair and crawling over. I manage to grab my rifle from its resting spot against the counter before positioning myself so that Ellie is between me and Maria.
"Bandits," Maria states. "I saw them run by when I got the door."
"How many?" I ask, trying to remain calm. This is not our first ambush, but the arrival of Joel and Ellie made us far less prepared than previous attacks.
"Not sure," I can tell by her expression that Maria is trying to make a plan, though I am not sure what she can accomplish from our current position. "Tommy and Joel were headed to the turbine - the guys were about to make an attempt at getting it back online. The others were still in patrol positions..."
Through the closed door, the frequent shots firing off sound like they are coming closer. I realize Ellie has gone silent, her face pale and arms wrapped around her knees that are pulled into her chest.
"I've got the door," Before moving to guard the only entrance, I place a reassuring hand on the young girl's shoulder. "We've got this. We're going to get you out of here."
The next moments pass in a blur. We hear the gun shots continuing to move closer, along with scampering foot steps as our group and the bandits face off outside the door. Suddenly, the door bursts open with a violent thrust and from my position at the counter I see a single bandit come into the room, ready to attack.
He falls before he ever sees us, blood pooling in a crimson stain through his jacket as he hit the floor. I prepare myself as more approach. I can hear at least two more running our direction, but before they approach the door, a familiar voice yells out.
"MARIA!" Tommy stops before entering the doorway, seeing the bandit bleeding out from the shot I fired.
"We're in here!" Maria stands up slowly, scanning the room before moving toward the door. "We have the girl!"
I reach down and offer Ellie a hand, which she readily accepts.
"Are you okay?" I help her stand up and regain her footing, knowing that if Tommy is approaching our location without caution the danger must be gone.
"Holy shit!" Ellie exclaims as she sees the bandit laying in the doorway and she releases my hand, eyes going from his body to my rifle. "You fucking destroyed that guy!"
"Well, it was either him or us, so you're welcome," I tell her, shrugging as Tommy and Maria embrace each other and begin assessing the situation. Joel is right behind them, flustered as he heads directly toward Ellie. The room is spinning and my ears are still ringing, both from the shot I fired and the nerves still flying through every inch of my body.
"Ellie!" Joel places his hands on the girl's shoulders, visually checking from head to toe for any injuries on her. "Are you alright?"
"Joel, that was INSANE!" She practically yells, words flying from her mouth at rapid fire speed. "We were just sitting there and then suddenly Maria's like 'GET DOWN' and this guy came bursting through the door and BAM! She just takes him out like it's nothing! The guy didn't have a fucking clue what hit him!"
I realize she's gesturing in my direction, recounting the story to Joel with amazement and admiration. Joel, however, pays no mind to my presence and snaps Ellie back into the moment.
"Are you okay?" He repeats. "Are you hurt?"
"No, no, I'm fine!" She tells him, gesturing wildly so he can see that she is truly unharmed. "It was just fucking crazy! You should have seen it!"
Of course he has nothing to say. Ellie is right - I did take him out. And if I had not, Ellie may not be standing here to recount her slightly dramatized version of events. Any decent person would say thank you, but Joel is not a decent person.
"We need to talk," Tommy tells Maria, but his gaze is focused on the interaction taking place between Joel and Ellie. As soon as he realizes I am moving toward them, he nudges Maria toward the exit. "Privately,"
Joel wants Tommy to take Ellie and deliver her to the Fireflies.
I knew he was smuggling people. I knew it.
Tommy and Maria's private conversation quickly became public when she did not try to hide her loud, adamant protest. It is unlike Maria to raise her voice, so everyone within earshot is paying attention. Desperate for answers, I insert myself into the argument, but all I can get from either of them is a vague, high-level explanation of why his brother showed up unannounced with a 14-year-old girl in tow. Joel had promised to deliver Ellie to the Fireflies - for reasons Tommy will not disclose - and he wanted Tommy to finish the job due to his former Firefly connections. And for some reason, Tommy is agreeing to do it.
This is stupid. Incredibly stupid. Traveling that far past Jackson is dangerous, full of unknown territory, Infected, hunters, and worse.
"No," Maria objects. "Absolutely not!"
"Maria, I have to…" Tommy sounds defeated, arms falling to his sides.
"Like hell you do. This isn't your battle, Tommy. Not anymore."
Joel is sitting behind us, propped against a stack of crates. For someone who instigated this entire situation, he seems surprisingly calm, content to sit back and watch his brother fight with his wife on his behalf. I cannot believe that someone would be arrogant and selfish enough to make this kind of request of someone they had not spoken to in years. The smug, audacious look on Joel's face sends me into a spiral of fury that I cannot explain, and I hear the words leaving my mouth before I even have time to comprehend them.
"I'll do it."
The stunned looks on their faces really should not be surprising. I can feel the weight of their judgment coming down as they process what I have just sporadically - and quite stupidly - offered. For a moment, no one speaks.
"What?" Tommy is somewhere between incredulous and furious, his expression completely exasperated at my interjection.
"I'll do it," I repeat, pushing off of the railing where I am leaning back and moving closer to the couple as though this emphasizes the severity of my words. "I'll take Ellie to find the Fireflies. Jackson needs both of you, together."
There are a million reasons I should not be offering to do this, but I can think of a million more that it should not be asked of Tommy either. Even though Maria serves as our primary leader, the community in Jackson looks to Tommy for guidance too. Together, they provide the kind of leadership that keeps a place like Jackson not just functioning, but flourishing. We are not going to lose that simply because his brother asked.
"No,"
This is the first time Joel has bothered to address me directly, but it is clear even from his one word response that our contempt for each other is undeniably mutual.
"Excuse me?" I whip around angrily and find myself standing face to face with him, a sharp glare shooting up in his direction. He must have gotten up and moved without making a sound as he now stands directly in front of me, arms crossed at his chest. Staring up at him, I notice a deep scar that cuts across the bridge of his nose, set perfectly between hazel eyes filled with anger and frustration.
"I said no," He repeats slowly, as though I had not understood him the first time. He subtly shifts forward so he stands even taller over me, relying on physical intimidation to emphasize his point. The fabric of his flannel is thinning along the broad width of his shoulders, drawn tighter as his posture reflects his growing vexation. "This is a family matter, so it would be best if you stepped aside,"
"What the hell do you know about family?!" Red hot anger shoots through my veins and I am unable to stop my voice from rising. I realize I am practically standing on my toes, leaning forward as though I intend to lunge at him at any moment. Who does he think he is to show up unannounced after years of silence and carelessly ask his brother to risk his life for him?
"That's enough!" Tommy physically steps between us, but the crackling static from his radio interrupts any rebuttal that would be made. It is only as he pushes us apart that I realize how close Joel and I had actually been standing, furious glares daring the other to speak next. "Joel, we gotta go. Your girl -"
"Where's Ellie?" Joel's entire posture changes and it is clear he has already dropped any thought of me from his mind. Ellie is nowhere in sight, clearly having taken off amidst the arguing on her behalf. A wave of guilt hits me that her absence went unnoticed until now, especially as this entire debate is rooted in traveling with her from one point to another.
"She took one of the horses. We have to go, now!"
They take off in a full sprint, gone mere seconds later racing off into the woods on horses of their own. Despite their sudden departure, the rage inside me is still brewing and my jaw begins to ache from how tightly I am clenching without realizing. Maria stands silently to my side, arms crossed as she carefully chooses how to proceed.
"Did you really think that would work?" She finally asks. I realize she is shaking her head in disapproval of my impulsive behavior.
"Maybe."
"It wouldn't," Her answer is firm. Her gaze set on the gates closing as Tommy and Joel disappear into the trees. "And I wouldn't have let you go, either."
"Who the fuck does he think he is? Barging in here after years of silence and demanding Tommy ride out on some suicide mission? Claiming it's a 'family matter'..." My stomach clenches and I realize my hands are shaking as the adrenaline begins to drain. I would have taken off without her permission, I am sure of it.
"Joel isn't used to people standing up to him and living to tell the tale," Her candid assessment of her brother-in-law takes me off guard, but she does not choose to elaborate. She knows I know the stories. Instead, she turns immediately back to business. "Come on, let's get this place cleaned up and go home. We all deserve to sleep in our own beds tonight,"
"What about Tommy?"
"He'll know where to find us. They'll find Ellie or they won't, but either way, he knows his way home. Don't let yourself lose sleep over their stubborn, pigheaded disagreements. Trust me, they'll figure themselves out in the end. They always do."
The tone of her voice is factual, simply stating without emotion what she knows to be true, whether she agrees or not. Her husband has taken off into the woods with his estranged brother to rescue a teenage girl he just met, yet Maria stays focused on the task at hand as though this is an everyday occurrence. Right before the bandits attacked, the turbine was finally powered back on. Our job is done and we can go home. There are bodies to be moved, supplies to be packed, and a two hour ride leading home ahead of us - the plan cannot stop, even with unexpected interruptions. I've learned from experience that it does no good to argue with Maria when she has spoken her piece, so I follow behind her while my frustration seethes silently inside.
There may be a lot of unknowns in this world, but of this I am certain:
I do not like Joel Miller.
