A/N: TW for mentions of Iraq.
Chapter 32
"Hi mom," the little girl with strawberry blond curls said as she plopped down on a park bench next to Sam.
"Hi pumpkin," Sam smiled at the girl, still surprised at how perfect a combination she was of Jack and herself. "Did you have fun today?"
"Uh-huh," the little girl nodded her head, sending her wild curls bouncing. "Uncle Danny told the whole class a story about how a space explorer defeated evil aliens and saved the beautiful princess."
"He did, did he?" Sam chuckled lightly. "Are you sure the princess didn't save the space explorer?"
"Sometimes," the little girl beamed up at Sam. "That princess sure is smart. Saved the space explorer lots of times. But in the end, it was Daddy who defeated the bad guys and saved you, wasn't it, mommy?"
"Ya sure, you betcha," Sam tickled her lightly, knowing what was coming next.
"I wish Daddy was still here," the little girl said sadly. Her jovial mood shifted to a more somber one.
"Me too, pumpkin, me too," Sam hugged her daughter tightly as a wave of loneliness flowed over them.
"Why did he have to die?" The little girl looked up at Sam with soulful brown eyes that reminded her so much of Jack.
"Because it was the only way he could save us," Sam explained patiently. "He sacrificed everything so we could be safe."
Sam's eyes popped open, still enveloped by the emotions from her dream. She'd lost Jack. He'd sacrificed himself, of that she was certain. But it had been a dream. Just a dream.
Jack was asleep beside her on the bed, his chest raising and lowering with each breath he took. Sam was tempted to press her ear to his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat but refrained. Even in sleep, dark circles were visible under his eyes. The fact that he hadn't woken up as soon as she did was a testament to how tired he must be.
Guilt tickled Sam's brain, making her frown, but she pushed it aside. She'd had enough guilt and self-pity over the past couple of months to last her a lifetime. It was time to let that go and move forward, no matter what that ended up looking like.
Easing herself out of bed, she grabbed a clean t-shirt and a pair of underwear from her bag and padded to the bathroom to take a look at her head. Jack had done a pretty good job patching her up, but she'd still have a nasty scar in her hairline. Oh well, battle scars were something she'd become accustomed to over the last eight years. What was one more?
Glancing back at the bed, she saw Jack still sound asleep, so she tiptoed outside. She thought briefly about grabbing a pair of pants, but decided there was no point. She and Jack were completely alone, and he'd already seen her naked.
With that thought, memories of the day before filled her mind, making her blush. Jack had certainly been thorough in taking care of her. It hadn't been until she'd taken him in hand—literally—that he'd seemed unwilling. That made Sam frown. She knew a nightmare flashback when she saw one. And that led her to her dream about Charlie. At least she assumed it was a dream. It'd been so real. So real, in fact, that she'd been frantic to tell Jack she loved him.
Wait. Sam's eyes went wide. Had she told Jack she loved him? Biting her lip, she tried to remember but it was all so fuzzy. What if she had?
"Carter?" Jack called from inside.
"I'm outside," Sam responded immediately, not wanting to cause him any more distress.
Jack emerged thirty seconds later in a pair of boxer shorts and nothing else. His hair was sticking every which way and his five o'clock shadow had darkened, giving him a sexy, rugged look that made Sam's heart beat faster.
"You okay?" He looked her over from head to toe, obviously looking for any signs that something was wrong.
"A little embarrassed," Sam answered honestly, "and a lot sorry."
"Don't be," Jack shrugged, but his eyes didn't meet hers. "I was an ass."
"No," Sam shook her head and took a tentative step toward him. "You were hurting, and I made it about me. It was wrong of me to do that."
Jack frowned but said nothing.
Sam took another step forward until she could reach out and cup the side of his face with her hand. He automatically nuzzled her palm, making her smile. He hadn't withdrawn from her touch, she realized. He'd withdrawn from theirs.
"Jack," she said softly, urging him with her hand to meet her gaze. "Please tell me what happened."
Jack squeezed his eyes shut at her request. He wanted to play dumb, but they both knew what she was asking. He could deny that anything had happened; turn tail and run because it would be easier than admitting the truth—that he'd been too weak to protect her. To protect himself. But that was the coward's way out. He'd tried that before and it had almost cost Sam—no he would not do that again. Sam deserved so much better.
"I don't know," he answered truthfully, looking into her eyes and seeing nothing but patient understanding. "It wasn't you," he sought to assure her, "I swear on my life, it wasn't you."
"I know," Sam reassured him.
"When you touched me, I thought—I was back—," he shook his head, unable to find the right words.
"You were back on that planet, strapped down, and being hurt," Sam voiced what Jack couldn't.
"But it was more than that," Jack pulled her hand away from his face and gently squeezed her fingers. "Before this, any of this," he tried l to explain. "This wasn't the first time I've dealt with…"
"Iraq," Sam said, realization dawning.
"It was bad."
"I know," Sam whispered.
"No, you don't," Jack shook his head. "You can't—imagine."
"Fifth," Sam said, causing Jack's eyes to snap to hers. "Fifth showed me. He," she swallowed hard at the memory, "tortured me with your memories. Teal'c's, too."
She winced at Jack's appalled expression, knowing this was the exact reason she'd never told him or Teal'c what had happened. Some of those memories were simply too horrifying to share with another person.
"My god, Sam," Jack shook his head. "I'd never—"
"I know," Sam rushed to explain. "That's why I've never said anything. I wouldn't have said anything now, but you need to know that I do understand. You don't need to hide from me."
Jack ran a hand over his hair in frustration. He'd never told anyone about his time as a POW. Even the shrink they'd made him see didn't know the full horrors he'd faced. Even Sara, who he'd loved and trusted, hadn't been able to handle the mere idea of what had happened to him. She'd insisted on him keeping those events to himself, for fear that she'd never be able to look at him the same way again.
Yet here Sam stood, knowing everything—had known everything for more than a year—and she simply accepted it as part of who he was. And that part of him was darker than anything the Kisqua had done to them.
Jack squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to speak. "This morning wasn't the first time I…reacted. Last night," he opened his eyes, letting her see all of him, "there was a point when I shut down."
Sam nodded but remained quiet.
"I tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal, but then, this morning," he frowned. "It's like I'm just back from Iraq only this time there's no overcoming it."
"You will," Sam grasped his face with her hands when he looked away.
Jack searched the blue depths of her eyes and recognized the stunning look of pure conviction. "How can you be so sure?" He asked, not sure why she believed in him. He didn't deserve her faith.
"Because together we can get through anything," she whispered, slowly guiding his face toward hers. She paused when they were a breath apart, her eyes flickering to his, seeking permission.
"Sam," Jack breathed before closing the minuscule distance between them. The feel of her lips under his felt like coming home. Everything else between them dropped away as she opened for him, deepening their kiss.
Jack's arms encircled her waist, pulling her flush against him. Sam's hands caressed his face gently then slipped in his short hair. Her nails raked across his scalp, making Jack shudder with pleasure as his body responded to her desperate need.
Sam gasped as Jack ground his lower body into hers, the evidence of his arousal obvious. Smiling against his lips, she lifted one leg and wrapped it around his. He took the hint immediately, gripping her knee and pulling it upward to hook over his hip, the move pushing her off balance but allowing them to press closer together.
"Jack," Sam panted when his lips left hers to sear a path down her neck. The feel of his tongue and teeth made her shudder as his hands pulled her impossibly closer. He lifted her easily, allowing her legs to wrap around his waist before carrying her back to the bed. He let her slowly slide to the ground before sitting on the bed and guiding her over him.
"Are you sure?" Sam hesitated, remembering what he'd told her.
"C'mere," he tugged her forward, until she was straddling his thighs. With gentle hands, he tugged her t-shirt up and over her head, tossing it to the side. She was beautiful as she sat before him without any hint of embarrassment. Her once flat stomach was rounded, proof of the life growing within her.
"You're breathtaking," Jack said, intertwining their fingers and laying back. A moment of unease at the sensation of being vulnerable filled him, but he pushed it aside. This was Sam and he trusted her with everything.
Sam felt her face heat at the compliment. She hadn't felt breathtaking here lately, but the way Jack looked at her with such adoration made her believe him.
"Touch me," she ordered, bringing one of their joined hands to her chest. Her gaze holding his, she adjusted her grip on his hand and placed his palm over her breast.
Jack felt the weight of her breast in his hand, felt her nipple press proudly against his palm. Trailing his fingers to the tip, he circled the peak, watching Sam's face, mesmerized.
Bringing their other joined hands to his chest, Jack placed her palm against his body. "Touch me," he repeated her earlier order.
Sam complied, running her hand through his chest hair, and feeling the strength within him. His muscles twitched everywhere her hand touched, fascinating her. Trailing her hand downward, she caressed the planes of his stomach, watching as his breath hitched.
Shifting off of him she silenced his protest. "Trust me," she asked and demanded, waiting for his nod. Carefully, she slipped his boxers over his erection and down his thighs, keeping her gaze on his, judging his comfort level.
Jack held his breath as she tiptoed her fingers down his stomach. Her hand paused for the briefest second before she touched him. A featherlight caress from his base to the tip that made his eyes close. It was heaven and hell all at once. His mind flashed back to that table where hands had gripped him painfully.
"Jack," Sam's voice was strong, calling him back from the brink. "Open your eyes," she ordered. "Watch me."
Jack's eyes snapped open, watching as she lowered her head, enveloping him in her mouth as she looked at him. It was all he could do not to come then and there. Her warm mouth caressing every inch of him made everything else vanish from his mind. Gone were the nightmares. Burned into his mind now was the image of Samantha Carter's head between his legs, her lips wrapped around him.
Sam hummed at the taste of him. Running her tongue up the underside of his shaft, she paused to twirl it around the head before sinking back down. She felt powerful, watching Jack's head loll backward as his eyes closed.
"Enough," Jack eventually growled. He sat up and grabbed her under the arms, hauling her upwards until she was lying on top of him.
She squeaked in surprise but was silenced by his mouth as he drew her down for a devastating kiss. Jack shifted them until she was on her back with him looming above her. He kissed her again before standing up, gripping her underwear, he slid them down her thighs.
He crawled back up her body, muscles rippling under his skin as he stalked her. Sam's pulse quickened at the sight, a tremor of delicious anticipation running through her.
"Tell me to stop and I will," Jack said, using his strength to position her beneath him.
"Don't you dare," Sam replied, breathlessly. She watched as he slowly hooked one of her legs over his forearm, opening her. Holding her breath, she waited. He wasn't going to touch her, she realized, letting out her breath, thankful he remembered her earlier reaction. But then he was pressing into her, stretching her.
Jack's eyes locked onto Sam's face as he entered her, watching for any signs of fear. Seeing none, he pressed deep, sinking all the way in.
"Holy Hannah," Sam gasped, her eyes widening in a way that made Jack want to huff out a laugh. Instead, he pulled back his hips and surged forward again.
Jack set a steady rhythm, watching Sam's face, and reveling in the way she let out little moans and gasps with every stroke. He saw her eyebrows furrow, watched as she shifted beneath him, seeking the right amount of pressure to send her over the edge. She grunted in frustration, her eyes pleading for more. Reaching between their bodies he hesitated.
Sam watched as Jack shifted, his hand reaching between them to help her. He paused, waiting for permission, knowing what had happened the last time he touched her.
Sucking in a sharp breath she nodded, bracing herself against the feeling but needing more. But when Jack's fingers found her, pulsing in time with his thrusts, she didn't feel fear. She felt ecstasy. With a sexy squeak she crested, her body clenching around him as he drew out her release.
Once Jack saw Sam's body relax, he adjusted his angle, tipping her hips up just slightly to give him the friction he needed. With three more thrusts, he grunted, his body tensing above her as he came.
Reaching up, Sam pulled him down onto her, needing the comfort of his weight. A few moments later, Jack shifted, ensuring most of his weight was on the bed. He snuggled into her embrace, burying his head in her neck, his arm thrown over her chest and one thigh between both of hers.
Jack mumbled something but the sound was muffled by the pillow and her skin.
"Huh?" Sam replied lazily, tracing Stargate symbols on his bicep.
"I said are you okay?" He murmured more clearly.
"Definitely," she sighed dreamily, making Jack grin against her skin.
"Shoulda done this years ago," he chuckled sleepily.
Sam hummed in agreement. They really should have. All of it seemed so insignificant now. The longing. The room they'd shoved their feelings into. What was the point? Why had she been so afraid to trust him with this?
"I love you," she said suddenly, needing to say the words out loud.
"I know," Jack smiled against her neck.
"No, Jack, I mean I love you," she urged, needing him to understand she was done hiding.
Reacting to her tone, Jack lifted his head and looked into a pair of deep blue eyes that were pleading with him to understand.
"I've always loved you. Even when I was with Pete, it was always you," Her breath hitched as she rushed to explain. "I was so afraid that I let my fears and doubts ruin what we could have had, but deep down, I always knew. You are it for me."
"Is this what you were trying to tell me yesterday in the woods?" Jack asked gently.
Sam nodded, her throat burning with surprised tears. Would she never get used to pregnancy hormones?
"What happened? One minute you were running away from me and the next you were frantic to tell me something."
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Sam shook her head. "I'm still trying to figure out if it was a dream or real."
"What happened?" Jack asked again, not wanting to push her but needing to know.
"Charlie visited me," she answered, biting her lip in anticipation of his reaction. At the quizzical look on his face, she added, "I dreamed he was an ascended being and he showed me things."
Jack opened his mouth, then closed it. His brow furrowed before he broke out into a soft chuckle.
"You don't seem upset," Sam postulated slowly, unsure what to make of his reaction.
Jack smiled and shook his head. "I don't think it was a dream, Sam."
"How can you be so sure?" She cocked her head, wondering what on earth would make him grin like that when every other time Charlie was mentioned a dark cloud came over him.
"Because he visited me, too," he said softly. "And until just now, I'd wondered if it was real."
Sam's heart pounded in her chest. If what Jack said was true, then the things Charlie had shown her… "When did you buy me the ring?"
"What?" Jack's eyes widened. "How did you—"
"He showed me," Sam explained, "how you threw it away after—I just wanted to know. When did you buy it?"
"After Thera and Jonah," he replied in a quiet voice. "I knew then that I'd wait for as long as it took."
"Until I went and got engaged to another man," Sam squeezed her eyes shut, hating what she'd done to them.
"I never blamed you," Jack sought to reassure her. "I wanted you to be happy."
"I wasn't, not really," She looked at him with sad eyes. "That day, when I told you, I really wanted you to talk me out of it. Wanted to hear that you still had feelings for me."
"I couldn't," Jack sighed. "I couldn't risk hurting you that way."
"I just wish—" she shook her head sadly.
"Wish what?"
"That I could have seen the ring," she said wistfully. "If it is half as beautiful as the one Charlie showed me," she trailed off.
"You can," Jack gave her a lopsided grin. "When we get out of this mess."
"How? You threw it away."
"I dug it back out less than an hour later," Jack confessed. "I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't give up on you like that."
"Yeah?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.
"Yah," Jack confirmed, his heart in his eyes as he looked down into her face. He'd wait for her forever.
