Gotham's Dead End Bar
By: btb
[NSFW] - Gotham's Dead End Bar by btb
Status: ongoing
Published: 2023-12-25
Updated: 2024-03-26
Words: 232813
Chapters: 36
Original source: https/forum./threads/25203
Exported with the assistance of
Gotham's Dead End Bar
Introduction
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 1
[Tags: Fanfic, DC, Gotham, Batman, Humor, Straight, Eventual Smut, OP MC, Neutral MC, Not Hero, Not Villain, Rogue's Gallery, Death of the Endless (best girl), Definitely Harley and Ivy as well]
I've lived many distinct lives. When I say that, I mean it quite literally. Life after life. All different and yet the same. Separate circumstances, same person. Over and over again. I was Sean Caine, a serial reincarnator.
Spoiler: Sean Caine
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Sometimes I reincarnated as a baby. Sometimes as a fully mature adult. Just about the only thing that stayed the same was my name. It was like it was burned into my soul. Maybe all that talk of 'True Names' had some credence to it.
Death was almost mundane to me now. While I didn't know where I'd end up, the new worlds I found myself in tended to be just as unique and varied as my new bodies. Some were magical. Some were mundane. Some still were familiar, tales and stories from another life.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm sure I wasn't special. Reincarnation was a trope for a reason. Surely, others had found themselves in my situation. I wasn't all-powerful or anything. And I'd stopped chasing temporary power after the sixth or so time I'd reincarnated with a fresh start.
Given my circumstances, I lived my life however I wished. I didn't put much stock in the power games or wider events of the worlds I found myself in. Living for myself was enough for me. Sometimes that philosophy sucked me into events of importance. But most of the time, I was left alone by higher powers and fate and whatnot.
Case in point: my last life. And my last death, I suppose. It was a typical fantasy world. One that would have been common in just about any cliche isekai scenario. System, Demon King, Hero figure, Kings, Queens, and all of that.
I'd been born to an utterly normal family in the kingdom that bordered the Demon King's lands. But instead of becoming an adventurer or seeking power through the system, I decided to become the King's court jester.
That decision… didn't end well. Oh, it was fine for a time. I lived a comfortable life and I was the only one legally allowed to insult the King. But I ended up taking one of my jokes a bit too far. Well, maybe a few of my jokes…
There was the time I slapped the King on the ass and apologized by saying I mistook him for the Queen. And the time I 'adopted' (read: kidnapped) a bunch of Demon babies to raise as my jesterly assistants, nearly starting an outright war with the Demons. And the time I stole the panties off a visiting Princess and planted them in the King's pocket to fall out when he was greeting the Princess and her father, nearly starting another war. And the time I took the Prince on a bender of a bachelor party, causing him to miss his wedding and nearly starting yet another war. And the time I spiked the royal feast with aphrodisiacs, leading to an orgy that spilled out onto the streets of the capital and nearly started a revolution.
Eventually, I was deemed a threat to national security and the King was forced to call for my execution. It probably didn't help my case that I slept with the Queen either. Or the Princess. Or the King's Royal Mother. Yeah, carnally having three generations of the royal family probably didn't help keep me alive.
Oh well, I accepted my fatal end nobly, knowing another life awaited me. After, of course, announcing to the large audience that gathered that the King was a cuckold. The consequences of my actions? Didn't know, didn't care. My head was already separated from my shoulders by the time the crowd started throwing produce at the King.
As always, I drifted between one life and the next. I didn't know much about the multiverse. Just enough to know it was definitely a thing. Whatever animated my soul into reincarnation seemed to throw me about the vast expanse of existence at random. There was no telling where I'd end up.
So it wasn't impossible when I ended up resting on a woman's lap pillow. Just very unexpected. Every time prior to this - all 68 lives - I was thrown directly into my new body. But this time - the lucky 69 - I wasn't quite alive just yet.
Still a soul, I rested on the unknown woman's comfortable lap. She hummed sweetly and stroked my hair. The sound of waves crashing somewhere near my feet. Warm sand on my back. Soft thighs cradling my neck.
It was peaceful. Pleasant. Downright nice. I didn't feel the need to open my eyes. Being thrown from body to body, life to life like this was surprisingly stressful on my soul. The chance to simply rest like this without inhabiting my next body was a much-needed respite.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, eons, time seemed to blur together. I'm not sure it was even a concept wherever we were. Eyes closed, I napped but did not dream. Eventually, the woman supporting me began to come and go but didn't move all the same. It was as if I was waiting for something that could wait. A strange stage of existence on the edge of life and death where I was unexpected but welcome company.
Both a second and an eternity after I arrived, my eyes blinked open. In that time between time, I first laid eyes on the woman who had lent me her lap. Immediately, I began counting my blessings. I must have done something very good in one of my many previous lives.
She was gorgeous, both dark and kind with a small smile that pulled at her black-painted lips as she watched the waves break upon the shore endlessly. Skin so pale it should have been unhealthy. Hair so black it should have been the void between stars. A silver Ankh hung from a necklace around her neck. Another two hung from earrings in her ears.
Spoiler: Death
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I recognized her. Half-remembered stories from a half-remembered life. Must have been one of my first dozen or so. Even if I didn't recognize her, she was familiar in a way that whispered deep within my soul.
"Has Death finally claimed me for good?" I asked.
Her smile twitched upward a bit more, "In a way. You floated in from the Sea Between and it looked like you could use a bit of a rest. I've had to keep drifting off again even here on solid land so you could actually benefit from that rest."
"Figures. My soul doesn't seem to like staying in one place for long."
"You wouldn't happen to know why that is, would you? It's become something of a curiosity of mine."
"Your guess is as good as mine. I just can't seem to stay dead."
"Would you like to?"
I shrugged as best I could in my position, "I could take it or leave it. I don't particularly hate living but after 68 lives and a good few millennia, I don't think I'd mind trying something new."
Death hummed, "Hmm, then perhaps a little bit of both this time."
She leaned down, cupping my face. A gentle kiss, breathing life and something more into my lungs. Something intangible swelled, like background music composed of Fate, Death, and Soul. Touched by death so many times, a part of my very being resonated with Death's lips.
Next to my True Name, a mark was etched like a lovingly crafted tattoo. Power filled my soul, anything but temporary this time. Touched by Death, her Chosen Hand. A bond was forged.
Even when the kiss broke, Death didn't pull back fully. She stayed scant inches from my face, staring into my eyes as I stared into hers. A twinkle there settled my soul. A serial reincarnator finally given Death's permission. An anchor, a reason to stay for a long 69th.
"So, uh… where do we go from here?" I asked, settling into our connection between something incomprehensibly Endless and something just a bit unique.
Death pulled back, a smile still playing on her lips as she whispered sweetly, "Wherever you so choose. Though, I wouldn't say no to a bit of assistance. We'll be… in touch, so to speak. And Sean? Call me Didi."
She let me go. I drifted off as my soul was wont to do, feeling a new body and life calling for me. But this time, a connection to Death lingered. Soul-deep but not overwhelming or intrusive. It was like a phone number with a new friend waiting on the other end.
With that, Life 69 was off to a pretty promising start. Here's hoping I didn't end up someplace dreary and miserable…
IIIII
Gotham was a dreary and miserable place. A city so worn down by crime that it inspired an entire family of superheroes. On top of that, it rained frequently and the city seemed stuck in a perpetual gray cloudy twilight. Then, of course, there was the cursed land and the fact that it was in New Jersey of all places.
All in all, not the sort of place I would have typically set up shop. Yet, here I was. At least I came to awareness in an adult body. That was a plus. While childhood and adolescence could be fun, infancy always sucked for a reincarnator.
Upon 'waking', I found myself in an apartment above a bar. From there, it took a few moments for my memories to settle back into place. I'd never figured out if I was possessing the body of an alternate version of myself or if I was always there and my reincarnating soul just joined back up with itself. It was the sort of thing I didn't think too hard about. That way lay madness.
And either way, I was still Sean Caine. And in this universe, I found myself in possession of a bar in Gotham. Somewhat of a poor choice for location but I shrugged it off. I could still work with this.
I wasn't about to go out and start playing hero. Or villain, for that matter. While the characters I remembered from the DC universe were interesting and I wouldn't mind meeting (and 'meeting') a couple, I was fine with settling into a more normal lifestyle first. And if I got too bored with being a mere bartender, I could always hit up Didi.
Besides, my counterpart had already put in all the work to get the bar up and running. It would be a shame to let what was technically my own effort go to waste. So today, Gotham's Dead-End Bar will be opening for business.
I flipped the open sign around at just past five. Almost immediately, I had my first customer. Casual as can be, the personification of Death walked through my doors. I blinked, still holding the open sign when she entered.
A slow smile spread across my face, "Fancy seeing you again so soon."
Didi waved, "Time is a meaninglessly pompous bastard. Much too full of himself for my taste. I would know. He's my father."
"I'll take your word for it," I said, walking her over to the bar. "Now, what can I get for you, Didi?"
"A glass of wine and some good conversation with my newest friend," She answered, settling herself on one of the bar stools.
I nodded, "I think I can do that. I'm not expecting many customers after just opening. You have my full attention, Lady Death."
Didi rolled her eyes, "Please, there's no need for titles or formalities. We're practically old friends. Your soul has certainly known my touch enough to qualify for that."
"I think I'd remember you specifically touching my soul more than once. And as far as I can recall, our little kiss was the first time," I replied skeptically.
Didi blushed slightly, "It was my first time as well…"
I didn't miss a beat, "I'll be sure to take responsibility."
She cleared her throat, her blush (ironically) not dying down, "A-Ahem, we may not have met in person before that but Death is Death, no matter the universe. Your many trips through the Veil of life and death made sure your soul was quite familiar with my Concept."
"Well, it was about time we finally met," I said. "It's an utter shame I missed out on your company 68 times before this."
"It is nice to have someone other than my siblings to talk to," Didi tittered.
Pouring and handing her a glass of wine, I raised a bar towel as if toasting, "Here's hoping I'll be better conversation than the Endless."
"They're all dreadfully out of touch. You won't have much competition from any of them. Well, perhaps Delirium. She spends about as much time with mortal souls as I do. But she doesn't make for very good conversation," Didi considered.
"Ah, yes," I nodded sagely. "The universe's ultimate manic pixie dream girl. I'm sure few can hope to be as interesting as her."
"Perhaps," Didi allowed. "But lucidity is her anathema so I'm sure you can imagine why talking to her is a toss-up."
I schooled a grimace, "I can see how that would make engaging conversation a challenge."
"Enough about my siblings," Didi decided. "Tell me about yourself, Sean Caine. What adventures have you had as a reincarnating soul adrift in the multiverse?"
I hummed, "Many and surprisingly few at the same time. After the first dozen or so times, I decided that trying to fix everything I came across didn't make me happy. Since then, I've been living for myself."
"Come now," Didi chided gently. "Surely, there must be something of interest. Something you're particularly proud of? Ashamed? I promise I won't judge you."
"Hmm…" I paused to consider my many lives. The first one that came to mind was one of Dungeons and Dragons. "How about the time I conquered a Dragon God through the power of song and seduction?"
Didi sat up, leaning forward eagerly, "Yes, that! Go on, regale me with stories even I've never heard before."
"Well, that particular story starts with humble beginnings. As a child, I discovered my talent for music when a dare from a friend saw me serenading a symphony of sirens of all people. It also saw me losing my virginity in that life in a truly epic fashion. I then spent my teenage years playing in taverns and pubs, and sleeping my way through anything with a vaguely humanoid body shape-…"
And so, I regaled Death with a tale of a life past-lived. She hung off my every word. From sleeping with the wrong woman and having to go on the run to being all but conscripted into the world-saving adventurers' party. Then of all our adventures together and the many bastard children I must have sired along the way. I was a bard in that life, after all.
At some point during my story, my bar saw some more customers. A group of men, all clad in matching two-tone suits that split down the middle with black and white. Henchmen, most likely. Of the Two-Face variety. But this was Gotham and I wasn't about to turn anyone away, even if I could afford to.
They interrupted my story but they weren't rude about it, "Oi, barkeep, a round of beers for the boys."
I served them and they took their seats toward the end of the bar, letting me get back to my story and Didi. They talked amongst themselves relatively quietly. But as my story picked up, they found themselves listening in as well.
"-So I smacked Tiamat upside the head with my lute and challenged her to a drinking contest. She was so impressed by the sheer brass balls I showed that she shifted into a Human form and took me up on the challenge. She drank me under the table but afterward… well, let's just say she was impressed by a different set of balls."
Didi nodded as if she knew how the story ended from there, "And then you settled down and lived happily ever after with the Dragon God. It's almost romantic in a way."
"A bard? Take responsibility?" I snorted. "Goodness, no. Besides, she was beginning to get clingy, wanting to elevate me to divinity and all that. Then there was the whole business of her trying to get me to cum on a clutch of her eggs…
"So I faked my death and skipped out on her. I think she's still trying to track me down. If a multi-headed Dragon shows up at the bar and asks about child support, those kids aren't mine and I'm not here, capeesh?"
Didi broke out into a fit of giggles, "You're horrible~! How could you do that to a poor Dragon Goddess?"
"Easy. Just pretend she crushed you in her sleep and sneak off when she's busy freaking out," I shrugged. "I was a different man. If I did that now, it'd be the Death of me."
Didi turned a playful, pouting glare at me, "Yes, it would, Mister. And I actually have a way of tracking you down. Don't forget that."
The air in the bar seemed to chill as she said that last bit. A fraction of Endless weight bore down upon the area around Didi. For the mooks listening in, I'm sure it made them just about soil their pants. For someone who'd been touched by Death so many times, it was almost comforting.
I smirked, "Wouldn't dream of it, Didi."
At the end of the bar, the henchmen whispered to each other, "U-Uh, boss? Maybe we should make with the skedaddling?"
The henchman who ordered their drinks nodded, stuttering, "Y-Yeah, and tell the rest of the boys that this new place is off limits…"
"Make sure to pay your bills," I drawled, surprising the mooks with my ability to hear them.
The lead henchman jumped in his seat, "Y-You got it, big man!"
He got up and hurried over to pay me. I rolled my eyes, glancing at Didi. She just giggled, barely acknowledging the man she'd scared half to Death. The henchmen immediately got up to leave as their boss paid, not taking their eyes off me as they did. Gotham bred good instincts and you didn't survive long in this city by not knowing when to cut your losses and leave.
"You're going to owe me for scaring off my business," I muttered sarcastically.
Before the group of henchmen could vacate my bar, the door slammed open. A clown tumbled into the bar, clad in green and purple with white face paint. Several more followed the first, laughing hysterically at their companion.
"Ah, Johannanson, you're such a clutz!"
"Fancy place we got here!"
"Get it, fellas?! Dead End! It's poetic, isn't it?! 'Specially after we get done with it!"
Their intentions were made obvious with their entrance, already wielding and waving around old-school Tommy guns as they came in. The Two-Face henchmen swore to themselves, reaching for weapons of their own.
"Shit, the Clownz are here."
"What should we do, boss?"
"Wells, we gots to scrap it out, don't we?!"
"Man, I didn't even get to finish my beer…"
The Clownz turned on the Two-Face henchmen, "Lookie, lookie here, boys, this place is a Two-Face joint!"
"Oh, no, Jacky! They'll sue us broke!" Another of the Clownz gasped dramatically.
The rest of the gang burst into peals of insane laughter, "C'mon, boys, let's show 'em what we do to lawyers around here!"
My voice rang out through the bar, bored and unconcerned, "Anyone who fires their weapon in my bar will find themselves meeting the business end of my boot in their ass."
The lead Clown turned on me, "Oh, a wise guy, eh? Work on your material buddy!"
Despite the animosity between them, the lead Two-Face henchman tried to warn the Clown, "Uh, buddy…? I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The Clown cackled, "Shows what you know, Stiff!"
He raised his gun and made a big show of holding down the trigger. All of the henchmen from both sides braced themselves. Nothing happened except for a telltale click. I stared at the Clown, unimpressed as I held onto the concept of the mechanical Death of his trigger. He blinked.
"Rattle 'em, boys!" The Clown called out, throwing aside his 'faulty' gun to point at me.
Their hasty trigger pulls met similar fates. They just stared as I raised an eyebrow. The lead Clown picked up his weapon and tried again, scratching his head as he looked straight down the barrel. The only thing that happened was a puff of smoke that coated his white-painted face in black ash.
One of the Two-Face henchmen tried as well, pointing his pistol at the ground and pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. His boss just about smacked him upside the head in panic.
"Now, that ain't right," The foolishly curious henchman mumbled to himself. "I just cleaned this piece."
The lead Two-Face henchman frantically apologized for his underling, "Sorry about that, big man! We ain't mean no harm or nothing!"
"This bar is neutral ground," I deadpanned. "I don't want any of your dressed-up gang violence in here. Spread the word."
"You think you can get away with pulling that prank?!" The lead Clown raged. "Nah, this is Joker territory! We Clownz have a monopoly on humor here!"
"That so?" I asked, raising a simple eyebrow.
"Yeah! And you ain't no comedian! I bet you don't even have Clown Egg on file! You couldn't even do stand-up!"
Humming, I reached out instinctively. With a twist, the Clown's humor died a quiet Death. As it did, I said, "You don't seem like much of one either. Go on, tell me your best joke."
The Clown puffed himself up in pride, "This one got me my own squad of goons! What do you call-…"
He paused, panic creeping across his expression, "How'd it go again? Wait, what the fuck am I wearing? Oh, God, I've missed so many classes. I'll have to drop out of Clown College!"
"I don't get it," I deadpanned with a small smirk twitching my lips.
"Get what? Why do I feel like the color beige?"
The other Clownz looked at their leader in utter shock and horror, "Beige, boss? You was feelin' green polka dots earlier!"
"Don't be ridiculous. How could a person feel like polka dots? Beige is a much more natural color."
One of the Clownz freaked out, "Great Goofy Goobering Jester God! He broke the boss' funny bone! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! I'm outta here!"
The now-humorless Clown considered something, "Why does porridge sound so good right now?"
"Not porridge!" Another cried.
The former lead Clown nodded, "With a good book on horticulture through the ages."
The remaining Clownz looked completely terrified of me. They backed up slowly until they left the bar and their now-lost leader behind.
"If you don't act up, you're free to drink here!" I called after them.
The last Clown scoffed, "Acting up is the last thing I want to do. I could do with a good drink though. Do you offer wine tasting? And can you put the Cricket match on the TV?"
The Two-Face henchmen watched the scene in frozen shock. One of them piped up and said, "Boss, you ever seen a Clown lose his humor?"
The boss slowly shook his head, "Nah, never. I think they'd rather die than have this happen to 'em."
"You boys are free to stay as well. Just be sure you don't go causing trouble, remember that this is a neutral establishment, and pay off your tabs on time," I offered.
They all looked at each other and shrugged, "Might be nice to have a place to unwind after work."
Serving the now peaceful customers, I turned my attention back to Didi to find her watching me with amusement in her eyes, "That was fun. So, where were we?"
She chuckled, "You'd just finished telling me about the irresponsibility of your youth. And after sitting quietly through all of that, I think I'm entitled to another story. Maybe one with a bit less indiscreet sluttery than the first?"
I hummed, "Hmm, that's a bit of a tough request when it comes to me… How about the time I started a Robin Hood-themed orphanage and incited a Human uprising against Alien overlords with it?"
Didi's laughter sounded like wind chimes through an empty house, "Hahahah~ Yes, I think I'll enjoy that one."
"Well, as these things tend to start, I was very, very bored one day-…"
Chapter 2
[AN: Merry Christmas, everyone. I'll keep this brief. I just want to give credit where I feel it's due. The inspiration for this story comes from Colors and Capes by Dogbertcaroll on . Mainly just the idea of a neutral bar where the villains hang out. But he's one of my favorite authors and I wanted to shout him out. All of his stuff is great. Check him out.]
My time in Gotham didn't pass quietly but it passed all the same. Uneventful was practically anathema for the city. It had to be something in the water. Or the quite literally cursed Indian burial ground the city was built atop. Or maybe Gotham was just ' LIKE THAT'. My money was on all three at once.
Very quickly, my bar - the Dead End - became the favorite drinking spot for just about every henchman in the city. Even some of the non-villain gangs got in on it. It turned out that having a place to call neutral ground where you could get drunk with the guys you were just shooting at was a popular idea. At the Dead End, people left their beef at the door or they quickly found out why this place was considered neutral.
Honestly, business was a bit too good. I ended up having to hire Didi on as a waitress to help me manage everything. She was a sweetheart and even the grizzled henchmen from Gotham couldn't help but take a liking to the kind goth girl who served them alcohol.
For a being outside of Time and Space, she mixed a mean cocktail. And somehow, she always seemed to be free to lend a hand. Omniscient shenanigans, I'm sure. The concepts of death and mortality sure hadn't taken a break with her working here.
With Lady Death working the tables and her Hand working the bar… well, there wasn't anyone who could reasonably start trouble at the Dead End. Anyone who tried got shut down and shut down hard. The Clown Without Humor was quickly becoming a horror story for Gotham's henchmen.
Funnily enough, he still stuck around. With his sense of humor quite literally dead at my hand, he had no choice but to quit the Clownz. Nowadays, he just turned up at the bar in civilian clothes and asked me to turn one of the TVs to Cricket or something equally drab and boring.
Nice guy, now that he wasn't plastered in clown makeup and cackling maniacally. Went by Joey. Having a name that started with 'J' in Gotham was a death sentence but he'd overcome the Joker's insidious recruiting methods with my 'fatal' assistance. Even the Joker didn't have use for a clown without humor.
Just starting out, there were a few people who didn't get the memo about the Dead End. Namely, a group of Bane henchmen who shot up the bar when they discovered a rival gang of Penguins drinking inside. That… didn't end how they expected.
"Eat shit, Bird Brains!" That was the only warning we got before the bar turned into a hailstorm of bullets.
My customers ducked for cover, adrenaline racing through their veins and overcoming any former inebriation. A small group of five masked men sprayed from the door to the bar until their magazines went dry. Panting fools, high off watered-down Venom, and bloodlust, they stood over their 'massacre' like they'd done something to be proud of.
I didn't even bother ducking behind the bar. I just stared at them, raising a bored eyebrow to show how unimpressed I was. Didi hadn't bothered ducking for cover either. Glancing at me, she stifled a giggle and tried to match my scathingly flat expression.
Only after the ringing in everyone's ears stopped did they realize that nothing had happened. Common crooks, mooks, and henchmen watched in disbelief as painless wounds pushed out the bullets that made them and healed over without a scar or trace. The bar's tables, knocked over in haste, righted themselves seemingly without aid. Not even a single glass or bottle had been damaged by the gunfire.
The Bane henchmen all paused, their minds visibly stuttering, "Uh…"
"Oh, look, everyone," I deadpanned sarcastically. "It seems these boys have just volunteered to pay for all the drinks tonight. How kind of them."
My customers recovered from the near-death experience remarkably well, quickly devolving into jeers and mocking insults, "Yeah, serves 'em right!"
"Can't even shoot straight!"
"Probably too high on their own supply!"
"At least Bane's Mexican ditch weed just gives me the munchies! Not make me want to shoot up a bar!"
"'Dese boys wanna be 'der villain so bad!"
"And they fuck even that up! Bane would just come in here and suplex every one of us into the ground!"
"Take off those damn masks! We ain't on the clock here!"
"C'mon in, boys," I said. "I'll start a tab for you if you want to drink as well but you're already paying for everything else tonight."
At the same time, I reached out and 'killed' their highs. The watered-down Venom drained from their systems, taking every ounce of aggression with it. They slumped as one, pocketing their weapons and shuffling up to the bar.
"Uh, I guess I'll get a Jack n' Coke?"
"Make it two. Damn, there goes our last score…"
"You wanna argue with the nice man with the immortal bar? Yeah, thought so. Shut up and enjoy your drink."
After that night, violence in the Dead End died a quiet death. One enforced by Lady Death herself and her Hand. Bar fights were still allowed but I had everyone take them out back. Usually, they'd settle their beef and come back inside to share a drink. Any attempts at murder or grievous harm just… didn't pan out.
My regulars learned quickly. If not, their bosses learned for them. Gothamites were surprisingly quick on the draw and their learned survival instincts made sure they knew when to keep their heads down. It was a necessary skill in a city like this.
The Dead End's neutrality became a self-reinforcing thing. The regulars and henchmen in the know reminded the newbies. No one wanted to be the first one to face real consequences for breaching neutrality. Especially not after hearing what happened to Joey, the Clown Without Humor.
Drinking at the Dead End was fine. Pissing off its immortal owner or waitress? You were just asking for trouble.
Gotham was a dangerous, illogical city and its population had long grown used to the strange and unreasonable. The bar was a place where they didn't have to worry about stripes or colors. At the Dead End, they didn't have to think about loyalties or villain-based grudges or the spooky shit that happened 'Only In Gotham'. And at least its owner wasn't putting on a cape and beating them up or trying to harvest their souls. Probably…
I heard one henchman explain it best to his junior, "Ya keep ya head down. Don't be getting all big. That's how ya become Scarecrow's latest scarecrow or Joker's latest joke. We do our job, hope we don't run into a Bat, and clock out. Then we comes here. Here, we find out we ain't so different. 'Cause here, we're all normal working joes.
"It ain't an honest livin' but Gotham ain't an honest city. It'll chew ya up and spit ya out. And that's if the Bats or the villains don't get ya first. So places like this? They're special. They're respected. 'Cause ya never know when a bit of neutrality is gonna save ya life."
Apparently, this place was special. Criminals talk. Word spread quickly. My regulars enjoyed my service, enjoyed the Dead End's atmosphere more, and enjoyed the neutrality I offered the most. It probably helped that I didn't mark up the price of my drinks to Hell and back as well. I'd lived too many times to care about wringing every ounce of profit out of my margins. It wasn't why I was doing this anyway.
I was seeing more and more business by the night. To the point that it should have been impossible to fit everyone into the bar. But we never seemed to be hurting for space. And the workload was never too much that I couldn't stop to talk, lend an ear, or tell a story.
Turning to the obvious culprit, I asked Didi about the discrepancies, "How come we never seem swamped or rushed?"
Didi tried and failed to whistle innocently. In fact, she failed to whistle altogether, merely blowing air through her pursed lips, "I don't know what you're talking about… I feel like I'm quite busy these days."
I stared at her knowingly, "Is that why you always seem to have time to goof off with me behind the bar?"
Didi tutted. It was patronizing in the most adorable way, "You must be vastly overestimating the amount of time I spend with you, Sean."
"I suppose I am," I chuckled. "I mean, how would you even accomplish something like that?"
Didi lit up and enthusiastically explained, "Oh, it's easy! You just have to imbue the building on a conceptual level with the Death of the Rush!"
"And the increased interior space of the bar?" I asked leadingly, hiding my smile.
"Death of Claustrophobia," Didi nodded, getting into her explanation. "You could do it too. It'd probably be a bit tricky at first but you'd get it eventually. I've just had all too much time to practice my conceptual applications. Here, feel here where the space sort of keels over and disappears into something again? That's where I-… !"
She clammed up suddenly as she realized she was giving the game away. I gave her an amused, knowing smirk, "So you're saying you're not responsible for this at all?"
Didi looked off to the side, her cheeks coloring cutely, "… No comment."
I let her off easy with that and we opened up the bar for the night. Turning away from the front door, I saw we'd gotten our first customer instantly. When I wasn't looking somehow. A vision in black leather sat at my bar, absently tapping a clawed finger on the wood as she waited for me.
I glanced at Didi. She just shrugged. Looking back at our stealthy guest, I saw the downright catty smirk on her face. I spent just long enough checking her out to satisfy her ego. Not that it was a hardship to check her out.
No, Selina Kyle was undoubtedly a beautiful, seductive woman. Clad in that skintight costume of hers that clung to each and every one of her curves, she was a treat for the eyes. The expression on those plump, pouty lips was just as titillating as her voluptuous body.
Spoiler: Catwoman
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[img: https/i./564x/6c/c4/e4/6cc4e4446dd030570106f9fc2482c145.jpg]
[img: https/i./564x/8c/56/24/8c562410333e43df053feafe58e0c3a6.jpg]
I knew she rightly put a lot of stock in her gorgeous looks. So I let my eyes roam. But I didn't let them roam to the point of crassness. Instead, I came back around behind the bar, picking up a bar towel and slinging it over my shoulder as she stared at me like a predator stalking prey.
"Normally, people use the front door," I said casually.
Catwoman purred, "Oh, darling, I'm anything but normal~"
I shrugged, "Fair enough. So what can I get you Catwoman? A spot of milk? I'd offer catnip as well but this isn't that kind of establishment."
The corners of her lips twitched with a smirk, "Cute. No, I just wanted to check out the place all the little birdies have been tweeting about lately. I doubt you have anything that will truly pique my interest."
"Hmm," I hummed, thinking for a moment.
Didi caught my eye. Her gaze darted to a spot beneath the bar, out of Catwoman's line of sight. Trusting her, I reached down into that spot. My fingers naturally curled around the neck of a bottle. Bringing it up into the open, I was just as surprised as Catwoman, though I played it off better.
The bottle glittered with gold and crystal. Ancient Greek script adorned the front. Gold for the engraved lettering, crystal for the bottle itself. And to top it all off, there was an honest-to-goodness ruby set into the bottle's cork. Catwoman's gaze found it and stuck there. If she had a tail, it would have been standing straight behind her and twitching from side to side.
"Never let it be said I disappoint my customers," I said, more than a bit smug at seeing her shown up like this.
Catwoman licked her lips - so red they matched the bottle's gem - with a sultry, teasing tongue, "My, my, don't disappoint indeed~ You sure know how to tease a girl though~"
"Who said anything about teasing?"
"You mean…?"
"I'll reserve this bottle for you and you alone. And when you finally manage to finish it, it's yours to do what you will with. In return, I want you to spread a little bit of information to the city's more civil Rogues and villains."
"What information?" Catwoman asked warily.
"The Dead End is open for their business. And drinks are half off for people of interest," I explained.
"When you say people of interest, what exactly do you mean?"
I shrugged, "Villains, Heroes, Sidekicks, Vigilantes, the Chief of Police - Hell, if you can get Bruce Wayne in here, do it. So long as they respect the bar's neutrality - and they WILL - they can enjoy a cheap and peaceful night of drinking."
She gave me a deadpan look that showed even beneath her mask, "You want me to tell Bats to come drink at a bar with me?"
"Yup," I popped the 'P' and said nothing more.
Her lips twitched again in amusement, "Aren't the Robins a bit too young to drink?"
"I have non-alcoholic options."
Catwoman chuckled a low and sultry purr, "Oh, I'm sure Boywonder and his siblings will simply love this. And Bats himself will hate it. Why are you doing this, Mr. Barkeep?"
"Gotham's an interesting place. I'm sure it can handle a bit of neutral interaction between all parties of interest," I explained simply. "And you're just about the best person to spread that word. I'm confident that telling you means half of the city will know by morning."
"You make it sound like I have loose lips, Mr. Barkeep~" Catwoman teased.
I leaned over the bar slightly, my arms spread wide and my sleeves rolled up over my forearms. With a playful, knowing smirk, I teased her right back, "I'd have to try them out for myself but they certainly don't look loose~"
Didi stomped on my foot. It didn't hurt but I grunted like it did. She huffed and turned away from us with a pout.
Catwoman grinned like a cat with a canary, "It seems your cocktail server isn't a fan of that idea. Don't worry, little kitten, I won't be stealing your boss out from under you. You however~? Mmm~ Maybe~"
"Don't go poaching my talent," I deadpanned, a touch of deadly steel enforcing my words. "Didi's mine. I'll… take offense… to anyone trying to steal her from me."
"Mmm~? The tomcat has claws~"
One of the vases I kept at the ends of the bar slid into my hand as I reflexively 'KILLED' the space in between. The flowers in the vase withered and died before Catwoman's eyes. Then they sprouted and blossomed back to normal again as if nothing had happened.
My expression barely twitched, "Something like that."
Catwoman laughed, "Oh, Ivy will just ~love~ you, Mr. Barkeep~!"
"Tell her she's welcome here. In fact, I may just have a business proposition for her. Something that takes advantage of her unique set of skills and expands on her little side hustle."
"Oh, what should I tell her of that… 'business proposition'? I thought you wished to stay neutral, Mr. Barkeep~ Are you being naughty~?"
"Nope, this will be entirely above board. As for the proposition itself, let me tell you a little fun fact. Did you know medicinal marijuana is legal in Gotham? She doesn't have to accept scammers and conmen using her name to sell their misrepresented 'product' when she can undercut them with real 'Ivy' in a completely legal and entirely unimpeachable way."
Catwoman looked at me in shock for a moment before she burst out in earnest laughter, "Ahahahaha~! Oh, that's too good~! Too many dealers in Gotham claim they've got 'Ivy's secret stash' when I know for a fact she doesn't share that with anyone but Harley. But even just normal weed grown by Ivy will blow the competition out of the water."
"And it might be nice for her to have a legal source of income to fund her true goals," I added.
"Rightfully so," Catwoman grinned. "Poor girl is completely out of her depth when it comes to capitalism. She's always trying to deal honestly as if big businessmen aren't the real villains of society."
"If she was business-minded, she could have every corporation in the world paying her to go green," I agreed. "It'd likely be more effective for saving the environment than her usual villainy."
Catwoman purred, "Alright, I'll tell her~ I'm always happy to help one of the girls. Anything else for me to do, Mr. Barkeep~?"
I hummed, "How about a drink? I'm sure you want to try your 'payment' for these services. I won't hold it above your head until your services are done or anything silly like that. As far as I'm concerned, it's yours and you're just stashing it here with me."
"Then who am I to say no~?" Catwoman leaned onto the bartop in anticipation.
I produced a tumbler from behind the bar. Sliding it in front of her, I uncorked the extravagant bottle I was setting aside for Catwoman alone. She was a woman of refined taste. Such a lavishly excessive bottle sparkled better than any mere gem in her eyes.
Upturning the bottle, I poured her a few fingers. Liquid ambrosia filled the tumbler glass. It glowed like pure amber with the light shining through it. Catwoman was all but salivating and I couldn't help but admire the special Death-conjured alcohol myself.
"O-Oh my~…" Catwoman muttered in awe. "W-What-… Ahem, what is it?"
I glanced at Didi, taking a shot in the dark, "A dead drink, lost to the ages. And possibly divine in origin."
Didi shook her head, "Not technically divine. It's the mortal world's best attempt at making Divine Ambrosia. The Ancient Greek on the front says 'A poor imitation of the drink that fills Dionysus' cups'. Paraphrased, of course. But the Greeks were well aware of their mortal limits so 'poor imitation' is accurate."
"My goodness… This place doesn't do anything by half, does it?" Catwoman marveled.
I simply nodded, "We try to have something for all of our customers, at the very least."
She joked, "If I wasn't so invested in getting a taste of a certain man, this kind of treatment would spoil my appetite~"
"Yes, yes," I rolled my eyes. "You and Batman make for a very cute couple. I promise I'm not trying to woo you away from him with fancy booze. Go ahead, take a sip."
Catwoman schooled her shock behind a tutting expression, "Ah, ah, so impatient~"
Still, she lifted the glass to her lips. Even just the scent seemed to be enough to make her eyes flutter. Visibly calming herself, Catwoman took a shallow quaff, wetting her lips with ambrosia.
I witnessed something spectacular there and then. An impossible miracle. A celebration of the Human experience. Despite what Didi said, magic must have been involved. Maybe not divine magic but magic all the same. Non-magical alcohol didn't spontaneously undress people and give them a religious experience.
Catwoman held her sip in her mouth for a moment. The ambrosia coated her tastebuds, melting into her tongue. She swallowed and it was as if I could feel a pleasant fire trailing down my throat, mirroring her experiences.
Holy light seemed to shine down on Catwoman. She didn't physically move but it was like her whole body was engulfed in an explosion of sensation. She moaned a low, lewd sound that came from her very core.
Her costume didn't disappear but I could swear the scene was projected into my mind as if it did. Catwoman's sinfully seductive body writhed in climax from taste alone. Full breasts heaved and I saw them as if they were bared to the world. Covered and uncovered at the same time, thick thighs rubbed together in pursuit of a pleasure that wasn't there.
'Where have I seen this before…?' I absently wondered. I had a vague recollection of impossible feats of cooking and a world that revolved around them. I think it was something I read instead of experienced personally. Soma-something? Ah, the specifics weren't all that important.
I glanced at Didi, "Was this really necessary?"
She pointedly didn't pout, making herself busy wiping non-existent spills off the bar, "She shouldn't have been so flirty with people she just met."
Amusement danced in my eyes, "It's kind of her persona. A non-seductive Catwoman is just a waste of perfectly good real estate."
Didi sniffed imperiously, "Then this is in character for her. I see nothing wrong. And no one else will either."
I looked around the bar. Some of our regulars had come in at some point. But seeing us busy with Catwoman of all people, they were content to wait for service. Of course, that also meant that Catwoman's current little 'experience' had an audience. An audience that would without a doubt greatly expand on the mystique and legend of me and the Dead End.
Panting slightly, Catwoman eventually came down from her ambrosia high. It was perhaps the first time the world had seen a shaken and flustered Catwoman.
"I… have to go change-… Uh, I mean…" Catwoman stuttered for an excuse. "Heist. Yes, heist. Nothing else, less or more. Just something completely normal and completely unrelated to how sticky this costume now is."
With a flash, she was up and disappeared through the back of the bar. I called after her, "I'll keep your bottle on ice for you!"
"Thank you, darling!" She called back distantly, already out of regular Human hearing range, I was sure.
One of our regulars came up to the bar, "I'll, uh, have what she had."
"Not on your life, Vincent," I deadpanned, tucking Catwoman's bottle away safe and sound. "No one wants to see that shit from you. Settle for a Manhattan like the rest of us."
His buddies laughed at him, "Yeah, Vinny, you ain't got the pair of stems that Catwoman does to pull that off. And you don't like half as good in heels!"
"The Dark Knight could probably pull off a mean pair of high heels with those thunder thighs of his," I absently commented as I mixed Vinny's drink.
The group of regulars paused as one and shuddered, "Stupid Sexy Batman…"
Chapter 3
"Hey, Barkeep," Kite-Man got my attention. "Why do you have a surfboard here? And why's it all silver and stuff?"
Spoiler: Kite Man
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He was a strange villain but ultimately a good guy. Bit of a joke though. As far as crimes go, he only committed petty burglaries and minorly inconvenienced the Bat Family. Hell, he even started as a minor Bat ally before the Joker found out and poisoned his son with a kite of all things. That may have driven him a touch mad and obsessed with kites but I couldn't say I blamed him for that.
I answered nonchalantly as I poured another drink, not even looking up at the item in question, "It belonged to the Silver Surfer, Herald of Galactus. Galactus was a literal planet-eating threat and the Silver Surfer was the one who informed the planets of their impending doom. You know, all 'resistance is futile' and 'surrender now'.
"I won the board from the guys who finally defeated the Silver Surfer in a strip poker game. Word of advice, don't play strip poker if the only woman among your number is able to turn invisible. Takes all the fun out of it. All I saw was a trio of flaming, rocky, and stretchy cocks."
The immediate area around me went quiet with my casual explanation. I didn't know if it was in shock, disbelief, or something else but I paid it no mind. Instead, I just handed the drink I'd been pouring off to its intended customer and moved along to another task.
"Uh… when you say 'flaming, rocky, and stretchy'-…" Someone eventually asked.
"I mean so literally. One guy could set his whole body on fire and fly. The second had a body made of rock and the strength to match. The third was kinda like Plastic Man, but he was called Mr. Fantastic. His wife gave him that name. With a man who could stretch his tongue however he wanted, I'll give you three guesses as to why she named him that."
That got a snort of laughter from one of the few women listening in, "Damn lucky woman."
"I may not have his abilities but I've picked up a trick or two over my long lives," I flirted, wiggling my eyebrows in an exaggerated manner.
The woman - a minor villain named Nocturna with skin as pale as Didi's - blushed scarlet. Didi came over to slap me lightly on the back of the head, "Stop flirting if you don't intend to back it up!"
Spoiler: Nocturna
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"Yes, dear," I drawled flatly.
"Just for that, her next one is free," Didi shot back, flashing the minor villain a warm smile. "Sorry about my boss, darling. His mouth tends to write checks that he never cashes."
I shrugged, "I could but I'm on the clock right now. And after we get off, Didi has my time firmly booked."
Didi's blush matched Nocturna's. Two exceptionally pale and beautiful goth women turned bright red in embarrassment. It was a sight worthy of the memory banks.
I looked around my bar, taking in the rest of the scene. Catwoman had been good to her word. Only a week later, almost all of Gotham's shady underground was gathering in my bar. My henchmen regulars were still here but now they were joined by bonafide villains. Well, the villains who weren't completely deranged sociopaths, at least.
Yeah, I may have broken my neutrality when it came to the likes of Victor Zsasz and the Joker. Those guys were unredeemable and worse still, they wouldn't respect Dead End's neutrality by themselves. While I could shut them down easily if they tried, I just didn't want that hassle, no matter how morbidly fascinating a civil conversation with the Joker might be.
Also, if I was being honest with myself, I didn't want the competition he would offer when Harley Quinn finally showed up… Judging by the looks Didi gave me when I declared the Dead End off-limits for the Joker, she knew about my less-than-up-front reasoning there.
Eh, I'm sure it was just for show. Like most of Gotham, Didi had a good reason to hate the Joker. Though her grudge was based on something a bit higher level. As Death, the Joker had evaded her grasp a few too many times. He had a knack for quite literally 'Cheating Death' and Didi did not like to be cheated.
Given that, my connection to Didi, and the fact that we now lived in Gotham, I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have to deal with the Joker. But for the time being, I was content to let him rest on the Dead End's ban list.
The ban list was remarkably short for Gotham. Just Victor Zsasz and the Joker. And the methodical and purely malicious serial killers got a tentative blanket ban that could be renegotiated if they showed up and convinced me otherwise. The likes of Killer Croc and Solomon Grundy fell under that second consideration.
Outside of Gotham… the list got a bit complicated. Mostly from the extradimensional threats. Under no circumstances did I want to deal with the Bat Who Laughs.
Abhorrent forces of nature like the Perpetua, Black Flash, and the Great Old Ones of the setting should probably be banned as well just for the collateral damage they would cause by simply showing up. But beings like the rest of the Endless, Lucifer Morningstar, Mr. Manhattan, Mxyzptlk, or Batmite? They were welcome to come and have a drink at the Dead End if it ever tickled their fancy.
Most of those beings had no way of knowing me and my bar existed right now. I'd deal with them as they came up. For now, my focus was entirely on Gotham and the colorful cast of characters that made up Batman's Rogues Gallery.
Of that selection, most of the villains were here now or had been here in the past week. I'd served Catwoman, Two-Face, Bane, the Mad Hatter, and more. Clayface was impressed I had alcohol that could even affect his unique physiology and even the Penguin had decided that the Dead End was as good a place to hang out as his Iceberg Lounge.
No heroes or vigilantes just yet, not counting whatever Catwoman fashioned herself to be at that moment. But she should have made it clear that my door was open to them as well. I figured I'd get a visit from the Bat Family soon enough.
The ones I was really waiting for were Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. I… may have had a crush. Or two, in this case. While much of my prior knowledge was coming back to me since I'd been in this universe, they were two characters that stuck around in my mind even before that.
Along with Catwoman, Joker, and Batman himself, the two of them were iconic enough to remember even after nearly six dozen lives. And they made for just about the cutest bisexual/lesbian couple in the multiverse. I may have had a soft spot for them.
If not for Didi and the bar keeping me busy, I might have run off to find them on my own. At the very least to help Ivy rebel and overthrow society (it was a good cause and helping to found a nature-based new world order wasn't something I'd done before) and to make sure Harley's twisted infatuation with the Joker died an ugly DEATH.
I was fine with waiting for them to come to me though. Didi was more than enough woman to keep me occupied, even if I wasn't quite sure what our relationship could be classified as. Friends? Definitely. Lovers? Soon perhaps. Something unfathomable between an Endless being and a serial reincarnator? That's where words began to fail me.
The Riddler got my attention with a curious question, pulling me from my musing, "Excuse me, Mr. Barkeep, but what exactly is this trophy? I've been trying to figure it out but for the life of me, I don't have a single clue."
Spoiler: Riddler
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He was pointing at a perfectly smooth sphere stuck to a plaque above the bar. It seemed to defy gravity, just hanging there without support. The small nameplate beneath it read 'Simmy'.
It was one of more than a dozen trophies like it. I'd taken to decorating the bar with conquests of my past lives, like the Silver Surfboard from earlier. Feats and items so impressive and powerful that they had burned themselves into my soul's True Name, lingering even after death and reincarnation. If they were all evoked at once, the name 'Sean Caine' would shake reality.
I hummed and then deadpanned, "My ex-wife."
Riddler paused, "Excuse me…?"
"You're excused," I played the cheesy joke straight and said nothing more.
"C'mon now, lad," Penguin cut in. "You can't just drop a tidbit like that and leave it to rot. Tell us the story, won't ya?"
Spoiler: Penguin
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Absently cleaning a bar glass, I sighed, "I suppose it's an interesting one at least. Let me set the stage.
"There once was a world that was plagued by unspeakable Entities…" The capital letter in 'Entities' was audible and drew the attention of everyone at the bar to me.
"These were unknowable, Alien beings with only one motivation: their Cycle. They would infect and infest worlds, use the populations to gather data, and then harvest the whole thing to gather enough power to get to the next. Then the Cycle would repeat infinitely.
"These Entities landed on Earth. Or at least, a planet that was close enough to Earth for the difference to be irrelevant. One of the Entities was damaged before they landed. It was practically braindead. Except these Entities didn't think in the way we know thought. So the Cycle continued anyway.
"Once settled, they split themselves into Shards. The Shards found hosts in the population, granting powers that would give the Entities interesting data. The Shards encouraged conflict because it offered the most interesting data for the Entities to harvest. And so the world was sent on a slow downward spiral into doom and destruction.
"But the conflict wasn't enough for the half-broken Entities. So they activated a specific set of Shards to encourage even more. And thus, the Conflict Engines known as Endbringers were born.
"Now, let me clarify something. These Entities were truly beyond Human comprehension. Just the Shards of them alone were enough to take up entire planets. The Entities themselves were almost akin to Eldritch Beings, for those who are familiar. Got all that? Good."
I could feel the horror mounting in my audience as I spoke. My story sucked them in and held their focus entirely. When I spoke of the Entities and the Cycle, the villains paled considerably. When I spoke of the Endbringers, they suddenly found their drinks very necessary. When I compared the Entities to Eldritch Beings, one henchman outright fainted.
And in the background shadows of the bar, I sensed a sneaky little birdie listening in. It seemed as though one of the heroes of Gotham had arrived just in time for me to scare the socks off him and Batman. He was already recording everything I said and I could hear the earpiece hidden in his ear going unintelligibly wild.
Spoiler: Robin
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The Bat Family would soon have yet another existential threat to prepare for, though thankfully, this preparation would be unnecessary. DC had plenty of cosmic threats already. It definitely didn't need Entities on top of it all.
I paused, "Well, maybe it'd be more apt to compare them to worms… Interdimensional Space Worms. You know how a certain family of worms is functionally immortal? How they'll keep growing forever and if you cut off a piece of one - like say, a Shard? -, It will become its own worm entirely?"
"No! Who the fuck just knows shit like that?!" Two-Face reacted with reeling shock to cover his mounting horror.
Spoiler: Two Face
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"Uh, I knew," Riddler raised an awkward hand. "It's actually rather fascinating. A species of flatworms called planarians is what our Barkeep is referring to. They're immortal because of their seemingly infinite regenerative capabilities."
"Like lobsters then?" Penguin contributed.
Riddler got into full lecture mode, "Actually, that's a common myth. Lobsters aren't immortal, they just appear that way because they don't grow or age the same way as mammals do. And they have the incredible ability to repair their own DNA!"
"'Course Nygma would know this kind of shit. It's freaky, is what it is," Two-Face grunted.
"I beg your pardon?" Riddler puffed up in light offense. "The study of planarians and lobsters has shown much promise in perhaps one-day unlocking immortality for the common man! It's far from freaky!"
Penguin played mediator, "I believe what our two-tone friend is trying to get at is that a mile-long, immortal worm is a right terrifying mental picture, much less the things our friendly Barkeep is referring to. Two-Face is gruff but I'm positive he meant no offense. And we seem to have gotten off track. I've much more interest in the story about Interdimensional Space Worms than this petty squabble. Please, continue, Mr. Barkeep."
I smirked in amusement, "Where was I? Right, Endbringers. The Endbringers sent the world's slow downward spiral into overdrive. Every three months, they would attack population centers, killing thousands to millions of people. The world panicked and despaired but there was nothing they could do. Even the world's strongest heroes couldn't scratch the Endbringers."
"D-Dear God…" Nocturna mumbled in existential dread.
I couldn't help but smirk, playing the part of the sadistic storyteller, "And the worst part? The Endbringers were sandbagging. Even going against the entire world, they were using a fraction of their true strength. The first controlled all energy in its domain. It could have brought Superman to his knees in moments. The second was about half as fast as the Flash and controlled liquids like Ivy controls plants. All… Liquids…"
"Every living being has some form of liquid in them…" Riddler realized, shocked by the implications.
I scoffed, "Try thinking a little bigger than that. I'm talking near total control over a state of matter. It sunk Japan. While still sandbagging."
Nobody managed to find words after that revelation.
"Then there was the third one, most terrifying of the Endbringers," I continued. "She was nearly omniscient and twisted fate and people to her whims with ease. She could have played Batman like a fiddle. So, of course, I somehow ended up marrying her-…"
"You fucking what?!?!" Several shouts of disbelief and shock echoed through the bar.
I laughed, "Ahahahahaha~! Yeah, my ex-wife was an Endbringer. In my defense, she was quite literally angelic-… Hold on, it might be easier to just show you."
Using the Death of Perceived Reality (Conceptual power over Death was a bullshit ability), I projected an illusion from my soul's memories. The Simurgh appeared floating over the bar. Everyone listening and watching went silent as she began to sing an eerily beautiful song. One that was (thankfully) devoid of the powers she wielded in life.
A spherical curtain of ever-revolving Eldritch wings graced this reality with its presence. An equal-parts statuesque and voluptuous woman floated in its center. In one reality, in a life past-lived, it would have been a terrifying sight. Here, it was merely hauntingly beautiful.
Spoiler: Simmy
[img: https/i./564x/bf/d9/1f/bfd91f0f030504b53a0ebe0b9c9d5a16.jpg]
I knew her by many names. The Simurgh. Hopekiller. Angel of Death. Ziz. Simmy. The sight of her brought a fond smile to my face. We might have been hated - absolutely reviled and feared by the world around us. But we were happy.
"She's gorgeous," Nocturna muttered in awe.
One of the henchmen listening nodded sagely, "Yeah, okay, having a giant angel woman as a wife does sound pretty nice."
"I can't quite get over that she was a world-ending threat. A literal 'Endbringer'? That bothering anybody else?" Two-Face said.
"To be fair to Simmy, the Endbringers weren't inherently evil creatures. They were Shards, akin to artificial intelligence with a set of directives to follow. And those directives could be changed. After we got together, I managed to bring her around to Humanity's side of the equation. Even my new brothers-in-law came around eventually."
"How'd you even get together with a literal Angel of Death?" Penguin asked, chewing absently on the end of a cigar.
I pretended to buff and inspect my nails, "She only wanted me for my body."
My statement was greeted by stunned silence. Everyone listening - most of the bar, at this point - just stared at me. I kept my expression schooled and completely serious. I was being honest after all. Just in a slightly misleading way.
"'Want you for your body'…?" Riddler considered. "The Cycle! Her Shard must have wanted to collect data from you and decided that marriage was the best way forward!"
I tapped my nose, "Got it in one, Riddler. Something about me was unique enough for an Endbringer to change its methods and later its directives."
"But what data could be that valuable…?" Riddler wondered to himself.
"I think I'll leave that a secret for now," I hid a smirk. "If I say it out loud, Simmy will finally realize and then she'll use it to come visit. I'm keeping that secret as a surprise for our 500th year anniversary."
That statement set the whole bar on edge, "She's still alive?"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure," I answered distractedly. "She's just in… Well, I suppose you could call it hibernation. Still, the trophy there? That's a duplicate of her core. She could surely manage to rebuild herself from it if I told her my best-kept secret. Hell, I'll bet the sneaky woman is listening in right now."
Two-Face sheepishly looked at Simmy's core, "Uh, sorry about the slander, Miss Endbringer. I didn't mean no harm by it. Promise."
"Do you not want to be with her again?" Riddler asked. "Didn't you say she was on Humanity's side by the end of it all?"
"Sure, sure," I nodded agreeably before smirking. "But I don't think Batman would like me summoning an Angel of Death in his city."
Riddler winced, "Yeah, he might not look kindly upon that."
"Not gonna make a ball and chain joke?" Penguin asked with a grin.
"Are you kidding? I love women, my wives especially. I never got the appeal of those jokes. If you love your wife, why act like you hate spending time with her? And if you truly hate your wife, why are you married to her in the first place?"
"Truly, Humans are a mysterious species," Didi said with a smile, planting a fond peck on my cheek.
Turning back to Penguin with a raised eyebrow, "See? Why would I turn this away? Whether it comes from my goth girl or my Angel of Death, I'm blessed by the women in my life."
Didi blushed and her smile could have blinded the world, "At least some Humans are straightforward and easy to understand."
Penguin nodded, "You're a wiser man than I, Mr. Barkeep. Even as a boss villain, I can't seem to get away from a certain percentage of nagging."
"Hello, Kabuki Twins. Yeah, your boss is just over here. He was just talking about you," I joked, pretending to call out to guests who weren't there.
He suddenly ducked, looking over his shoulder before turning back and hissing, "Don't play like that! The girls are lovely but they've got claws of steel! If they heard me make a ball and chain joke, they'd put little Cobblepot on ice!"
"Have you considered maybe…" My lips twitched. "Not making stupid jokes at all?"
"Asking the Penguin to watch his tongue is like asking him to fly," Riddler showed off his dry, cutting wit, getting a round of laughs from the bar.
I felt our little birdie vigilante guest move in the shadows of the bar. It reminded me he was even there, still listening in. I wonder why he hadn't come out and introduced himself. Maybe he was just waiting for an opening. This was a bar full of villains and henchmen after all. But that wouldn't do at all. I wanted the heroes to hang out here just as much as I wanted the villains.
I chuckled, "Speaking of birds… Hey, Robin! You can't loiter here! Buy something or scram!"
The villains tensed before remembering the Dead End's neutrality. Robin wasn't so forgiving. With his cover blown, he sprung from the shadows. A red and black blur rushed at me. I caught the Boy Wonder by the scruff of his cape, holding him aloft effortlessly in front of me.
I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, "Now, what's all that about? I know Catwoman told you and your dad that this place was neutral territory. That goes for the heroes just as much as it does for the villains."
"Dad…?" A few henchmen asked themselves in confusion.
"I am 120 pounds of spite, fury, and pure freaking death," Robin's glare at me was legendary, both flat and furious at the same time. "Let me down, Villain. Or I shall be forced to unsheathe my blade."
Ah, adorable and terrifying. So Damian Wayne was currently Robin. That should have narrowed down the timeline for me but it really didn't. I didn't remember quite that much about DC.
As deadly and vicious as he was cute and little, the born-and-raised assassin was a work in progress as Robin. Mostly because I was sure Bruce Wayne was still trying to instill his 'No Killing' rule upon him after Damian was raised in the League of Assassins. He was probably the most deadly skilled Robin to date and it showed by the way the villains at my bar shied away from him. Yet I held him up by the scruff of his cape like an impotent little murder puppy.
"I'm not a villain," I corrected. "I'm a barkeep running a perfectly legal establishment. And one of the only rules we have here is no fighting. Keep the hero/villain business to the streets, please."
Robin's calm composure returned almost instantly, "Ah… very well, Barkeep. Please let me down so I may vacate the premises. I do not believe Mother and Father would approve of me drinking so I'm afraid I cannot purchase anything."
His flat politeness was almost as eerie as his ruthless threat. I hummed, not letting him go just yet, "I have non-alcoholic options. In fact, let me get you a glass of water. You must be thirsty after patrolling all night."
"That will not be necessary. My canteen is still half full," Robin answered.
I shrugged, "All right, just one more thing then."
Quicker than even the Boy Wonder could react, I reached out and plucked his hidden earpiece from his ear. As I held it up to my ear but didn't insert it, I could hear a feminine voice from the other side, "Just stay calm, Damian, don't lash out. Selina said he was firmly neutral. He should let you go without any trouble. And then book it back to the Batcave. I'm sure Bruce will want to know what you've heard tonight. And he'll definitely get mad if you mortally wound the innocent bartender!"
"Hello, Oracle," I stifled a laugh, my greeting sending the other side of the communicator into stunned silence.
Spoiler: Barbara Gorden (Oracle)
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There was a kill switch in the device that should have activated once it left Robin's ear. But considering my powers, anything with 'kill' in the name was child's play to disable.
"Don't worry. Little Robin is fine. Unharmed except for his ego, I presume. And I just wanted to talk to you to clarify some things. Yes, my bar is neutral. That goes for all parties. The Devil himself could walk into the Dead End and I'd just ask him what he was drinking. While you and your family are naturally welcome here as well, I do hope that you will keep the violence and cape grudges out of my bar. It's a simple request but I will enforce it quite vigorously."
"How-… Understood, Mr. Caine," Oracle replied. I wasn't even surprised the Bat Family knew my name. "Would you be willing to give Robin his equipment back?"
I nodded even though she likely couldn't see me. Though, with the Bats, that was never a guarantee. I could easily see Robin having a microscopic camera in his mask that Oracle was streaming from.
"Of course. And one more thing. A gift, if you will. Or perhaps just righting a wrong. Or maybe I just really hate the Joker. Either way, enjoy using your legs again. And feel free to stop by the Dead End when you have the chance. Your first drink will be on the house. No 'half-off' special or anything so insensitive here."
As I said that, I reached through space, tracing the Death of the Signal in the earpiece. After switching through many, many obscuring methods, I ended up on the other end. Oracle - Barbara Gorden - took 'man in the chair' to a whole other level. She was wheelchair-bound after being shot in the spine by the Joker.
For someone with my powers and Death's Hand, it was a simple problem to fix - simply the Death of a Crippling Injury, the Death of an Unhealthy Body. Reality rejected Barbara's long-healed wound as if it never happened in the first place.
I didn't stick around any longer than I had to. No, I left Barbara Gorden whole, hail, and healthier than she'd ever been. Maybe a little too healthy, now that I think about it. Oh well, it wasn't like a super Batgirl was likely to be a bad thing.
Handing Robin back his earpiece, I set him down, dusted him off patronizingly, patted his head, and sent him on his way. The dead glare he gave me was still adorable and frightening. I waved him off without worry or care. He'd have more important things to worry about shortly when Oracle discovered what I'd done for her.
Turning back to my patrons, I saw them staring at me as if I were the second coming of Jesus and a man with a death wish all at once, "What? What'd I do?"
"Please don't patronize our patrons, Dear," Didi sighed.
"Even the Joker wouldn't dare give the Boy Wonder head pats…" A stunned henchman mumbled.
I shrugged, "Vigilantes can have a little head pats. As a treat."
Chapter 4
On a rooftop in a dark, damned city, a man of pure conviction brooded. The night was quiet. Not yet quiet enough but certainly quieter than it had been before.
Crime still lived on somewhere in the city. The man couldn't be everywhere at once. He could never fully stop it. Even with all he'd done, he was fighting a never-ending war full of pyrrhic victories.
The man of conviction forged on regardless. Night after night, day after day, he did everything in his power to safeguard his city and its people. There was always more to be done. And never enough time to do it all.
The man's conviction seemed infinite but he himself had limits. His focus was spread thin. These days, not just Gotham needed him. With the addition of the League and the threats they faced, the man had been forced to delegate.
His family, by blood and adoption, picked up the slack. Often by force so the man would get even a single full night's sleep. He'd trained them to the best of his ability. Sometimes even that wasn't enough. Every war had casualties. Especially Batman's war against crime and evil.
Barbara Gorden's injury had been a wound in Batman's heart and mind. It was a physical manifestation of his limits. The fact that it hadn't happened during the line of duty made the Joker's 'joke' even more bitter.
Yet like Batman, Barbara's conviction wouldn't be broken so easily. She continued to fight, helping Batman and his family in any way she could. Only now, that help took the form of Oracle. Bound to a wheelchair, Barbara Gorden was the Bat Family's eye in the sky, contributing to Batman's war in the only way she could.
Until now…
Something had changed in Gotham. A shift in the way the city's underground operated as of recently. It should have been too soon for the shift's effects to ripple outward and engulf the whole city. The difference was small but for someone like Batman, it was starkly visible.
It should have been insignificant - merely a single new bar opening its doors. It wasn't. The most recent crime statistics didn't match Batman's projections. His normally perfect, almost prophetic projections showed business as usual with a note to account for Poison Ivy's time of the month - an affair that was even worse than for most women.
They were wrong. Crime was down, both from villains and from street-level thugs and henchmen. And Batman knew the reason. The Dead End, its strange owner/waitress, and their promise of neutral ground.
They offered a place for people to get off the street during the busiest hours of the night. A place where criminals could unwind and bond with those who were like them. Worst of all, he catered almost exclusively to villains and their henchmen.
Well, that wasn't necessarily true, Batman considered. Selina had reported that the man was truly neutral in alignment. She said he would cater to heroes and vigilantes just as readily as he would cater to villains. Just, as far as Batman knew, no hero had taken him up on that offer.
The villains certainly had. Including Selina as Catwoman. She was the first as a matter of fact. If the man wanted business for his bar, he couldn't have chosen a better first cape for a customer.
The owner's policy of neutrality was only the first unique aspect of the Dead End. There was that waitress of his as well. She didn't exist. Batman had checked. Thoroughly. It was as if she walked out of thin air or raised herself from the grave to do impossible things in a simple bar of all places.
Damian reported that the bar's two employees should have been much busier than they actually were. They served a full bar with the lax demeanor of an establishment dead of business. Watching the footage from Damian's mask, Batman couldn't help but agree with that assessment, as well as notice that the bar itself was bigger and more peaceful than it should have been with that many customers. Supernaturally so.
Then there was the owner himself. An enigma of incredible trophies and impossible stories who dealt with villains, heroes, and criminals alike as if they were nothing more than simple patrons of his bar. Sean Caine had not lived the life his stories said he had. Either he was the best liar Batman and Gotham had ever seen or… something else was going on.
Considering what Sean Caine had done for Barbara Gorden, Batman was inclined to believe the latter theory. Without moving from Damian's sight, Sean Caine healed Barbara so wholly that it was as if her tragic injury had never happened. She was more fit and healthy than she ever was at her peak. To the point that she was able to go toe to toe with Batman when they'd tested her renewed capabilities.
While he was more thankful than anyone for Barbara's recovery save Barbara herself, Batman was vexed by Sean Caine. He didn't have enough information about the man and he hated not having enough information. That the man had set up shop in his city was further fuel to the frustration fire.
So on a dark rooftop overlooking a dark city, Batman did what he did best: prepare for impossible scenarios, brooding all the while. Behind him, a silently stalking kitty alighted without a whisper. Batman noticed immediately, of course, but didn't acknowledge her over the data on this Sean Caine.
"Oh, Brucie~" Catwoman - Selina Kyle - singsonged.
"Selina," Bruce Wayne as Batman grunted and said nothing more.
"My brooding senses were tingling~ Are you worrying yourself over nothing again~?"
"Hngh… Sean Caine."
Selina draped herself over Batman's shoulders, molding her assets to his body, "Really, Bruce? Mr. Barkeep is just that. A barkeep."
"He's an unknown impossibility who's unaccounted for and unregulated," Bruce rumbled.
"And? Do you want to be the one to tell the potentially impossible being that he can't be a bartender? This is Gotham, Bruce. We have a clown that is straight out of the nightmares of grown men and could give Pennywise a run for its money. If Mr. Barkeep wants to be a barkeep, I say we let him."
"Hn…"
"He hasn't hurt anyone yet, has he?"
"No. He's been suspiciously helpful. Even righting a wrong that I couldn't touch."
"The neutrality that the Dead End offers is mighty useful in Gotham. Have you tried actually going to talk to him in person?"
"It's on the list. I just need more information first."
"Brucie, Brucie~" Selina tutted. "You always need more information. Perhaps you can get it by interviewing Mr. Barkeep yourself. He's very open about himself."
"I'm aware," Bruce didn't deadpan but he might as well have. "The story of his ex-wife is still giving me nightmares. I've already entered it into the Leagues databases."
Selina tapped her lip in consideration, "I didn't hear that one."
"Good. For your sanity, don't ask him to repeat it."
"Haha~! How bad could it be? It's not as if his wife was a world-ending apocalyptic threat, right?" She laughed.
Bruce was pointedly silent.
"R-Right, Bruce…?"
"She was quite beautiful, at least."
"That doesn't make me feel better, Bruce!"
"I told you you'd be better off not knowing."
IIIII
Spoiler: Barbara Gorden Batgirl
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Barbara Gorden still wasn't used to walking again. But, oh how she loved the feeling. The feeling of using her muscles again, of standing on her own two feet. You don't realize how important simply wiggling your toes is until you can't feel them at all.
She'd been freed from her chair-like prison. It'd been a hell of a thing to explain to her father. And then explain again to Bruce and the rest of the Bat Family. But they'd had no choice but to accept the reality in front of them.
To be fair to them, Barbara barely believed it herself. She was still pinching herself as if she was trying to wake up. Only she was pinching herself on her thigh these days and feeling it. And it wasn't a nightmare she was trying to wake from anymore.
All because of an impossible bartender she'd never met in person. Someone who was much more than he appeared at first glance. She'd been minding her business, acting as Oracle for Damian as he scoped out this new 'villain bar' that had sprung up…
Only to end up springing from her wheelchair in shock as this Sean Caine did something she could feel from miles away. He'd healed her. Somehow.
And Barbara would forever deny the practically depraved moan of utter satisfaction that left her lips when her body rejected its old injury and everything popped into place like a perfectly cracked back. Thankfully, Damian was too polite to say anything about it. She was still embarrassed about moaning in his ear like that though.
She had to leave Damian on his own for the rest of that night's patrol. It was understandable. Something impossible had just happened and as excited as she was, Barbara had still been trained by Batman. That entitled her to a (un)healthy amount of paranoia.
She spent the rest of the night testing herself to the best of her ability. By the end, everything ( EVERYTHING) came back green. As far as Barbara could tell, her crippling injury never happened. She never spent years relegated to a wheelchair. She'd never even skinned her knee as a child!
It was a perplexing phenomenon. She was so healthy it bordered on absurd. She knew of chronic regenerators who weren't as healthy as she was now. The extent of her healing ended up being added to her version of Damian's report. Then she finally went to bed… but not before enjoying what being able to feel her lower half meant for a sexless woman in her sexual prime.
Not even a day after being miraculously healed, Barbara demanded to go back to her duty as Batgirl. Demanded. She felt good. She felt better than good. Healthier than she'd ever been. And she'd proven it, going through all the old drills as if she'd never left them and even laying out (the now much larger than she was used to) Dick Grayson like he was a civilian.
Batgirl was back, baby! Bruce had no choice but to let her. She still had the costume and all of her gadgets. He couldn't stop her even if he had said no. So he didn't even try. It felt so good to get back to doing what she loved directly. No more crime-fighting from behind a desk. Barbara Gorden was right back in the thick of it!
A week of nightly patrols dampened that enthusiasm but didn't diminish her spirit. She hadn't forgotten the realities of crime-fighting - the soreness in the morning, the long hours, and the deeds she was forced to witness and stop - but she'd certainly been partially removed from them in her role as Oracle. Now, she was thrown right back at the lowest Gotham had to offer.
Tonight, in particular, Barbara found herself stopping at a strange new place. A place full of Gotham's lowest and yet… not. For here, they weren't what they always were. They weren't simple thugs or henchmen or more complex villains. They were just customers at a bar, enjoying the neutrality, atmosphere, and cheap drinks.
The Dead End was an unassuming place, especially for somewhere that was quickly becoming so influential for Gotham's underground and cape scene. A backlit sign flickered with the bar's name as Barbara watched.
She found herself drawn here. Not by anything supernatural or suspicious. Just by the need to meet the man who'd given Barbara her life back. He had told her to come by when she had the chance… What's wrong with having a friendly drink in neutral territory?
Barbara nodded to herself. Yes, she was really doing this. And there was nothing wrong with that. Sure, she hadn't specifically told Bruce what she was doing but he certainly still knew.
He was Batman. Barbara didn't want to say he knew everything but… he kinda knew everything. When it came to Gotham, at least. That much came with his self-imposed duty. Hell, he probably prepared a plan for if she visited the Dead End alone and unannounced. Barbara would have to be on the lookout for one of the Bat Family crashing the party while she tried to give Sean Caine her gratitude.
Well, nothing to it. She was determined to talk to the man who healed her. Bruce and the others wouldn't stop that. They meant well but Barbara didn't particularly need that brand of found familial worry at the moment.
As she entered the Dead End, Barbara was expecting… more. Mostly in regard to the reaction her presence would garner. The reality was surprisingly and welcomely unremarkable.
A few people looked up upon her entrance. Some of them tensed. Others watched warily. But when she didn't immediately start causing trouble, they relaxed and went back to their conversations or drinks.
The man she came to see hadn't even noticed her yet. He was busy at the bar of the establishment, serving drinks lackadaisically while he spoke to an enraptured crowd of villainous patrons. It seemed something of a segregation had appeared within the Dead End. The henchmen and other street-level mooks took up the majority of the bar's tables while the true villains were gathered at the bar itself.
She couldn't hear what Sean Caine was saying over the quiet din of the bar but he seemed to be telling a story. Part of Barbara tensed at that. She remembered the story Damian had listened in on. The one about Sean Caine's ex-wife, the Angel of Death Simmy.
How could she forget? It wasn't every day you heard someone talk openly and honestly about Eldritch Entities and the apocalypse they brought with them.
He hadn't even gone into much detail. But even the implications of what he had said lingered on Barbara's mind. A world driven by powers and heroes and villains. Only there, the powers weren't what they seemed.
Instead of Metahumans or friendly Aliens, those powers were an Eldritch Trojan Horse and they were leading to the death of the entire world across uncountable dimensions. If that wasn't enough, there was the Endbringers Sean spoke of and the fact that he'd married one.
It was enough to give anyone chills. Thankfully, Barbara had been too preoccupied with her miraculous healing at Sean's hands to worry herself to death with his story. She knew Bruce and Damian weren't so lucky.
Neither were the type to share their feelings overmuch but the fact that Barbara had caught Damian in his panic-attack room - just his closet at Wayne Manor - said enough. And Bruce? Well, Barbara was pretty sure he hadn't slept properly all week.
'Maybe I should see if I can get some kind of reassurance from Mr. Caine while I'm here… ' Barbara absently thought. 'He certainly wasn't worried about the things he spoke of. Hopefully, he can share some of that irreverence with Bruce."
It was a strange thing for Barbara to be ignored when she was in costume. But it seemed that here at the Dead End, the customers were quickly getting used to capes. She went unmolested on her journey to the center of the bar, a walk that was longer than it should have been thanks to the strange bigger-on-the-inside space here.
Before she reached the bar and its bartender, a pained voice caught her attention, "Damn, that smarts…"
For some reason, Barbara found herself drawn to the voice and its troubles. The source was one of the many tables within the bar, filled with off-duty henchmen and criminals like all the others. But this group was different from the rest. They were almost hard to look at, all nursing wounds or bruises or even visibly broken bones.
"Guess we caught 'da Bats on a bad day, eh?" Another hurt henchman replied to the first.
The first henchman snorted, "Ya think? I told ya we should've gone to the Narrows tonight instead of East End. I tell ya, the Bats is always more testy 'round there."
Barbara winced to herself. The East End was where Crime Alley was located. The place where Bruce's parents had been murdered. Even when he wasn't doing his annual visit to their murder scene, he kept a close eye on that part of town. It was certainly possible he was subconsciously more vicious with his take-downs there.
"Are you okay?" Barbara found herself asking as she made a detour to the injured table. Even though they were criminals, that didn't mean they weren't deserving of basic Human compassion. This was neutral ground, after all. A new concept for everyone, one Barbara felt compelled to explore for her duty to help the people of Gotham.
She came up behind the first henchman who spoke. He was nursing an obviously broken arm. Not even properly set, it was a gruesome sight. The other henchmen at the table tensed at the sight of her but the first didn't even notice.
Without looking back at her, he said, "Yeah, Missy, we'll be alright."
"That looks serious," Barbara observed. "Shouldn't you go to the hospital?"
The first henchman tried and failed to wave his broken arm, ending up with a shrug and a harsh wince, "Not-! Ah, damn! N-Nothing a good night's sleep can't fix. I ain't got insurance and it ain't like insurance covers Bat-related injuries anyway."
"That's… rather concerning," Barbara paused at the man's disregard for his health. "Here, let me properly set the break, at least."
"I wouldn't wanna trouble ya, Miss-…" The man trailed off as he finally turned to see who he was talking to. "Uh… Hi, Batgirl. Long, uh, long time no see, yeah?"
Barbara blinked, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
The henchman laughed awkwardly, "Heh, yeah, ya put me away one time when I was tryna rob a gas station. I don't blame ya for that. I was in the wrong - like always - and ya were mighty gentle about the whole thing."
Seeing that this meeting wasn't going to devolve into fists and kicks and remembering where they were, another of the injured henchmen found the courage to speak up as well, "Where've ya been, Batgirl? Nobody's seen ya in, what? Two years now? Longer than that?"
Barbara schooled a wince, "Closer to three, actually. I had to… take a break from direct crime-fighting."
"Well, it's good to have ya back."
"Yeah, you was always one of the good ones!"
"Nothing like that… what was his name? That vigilante guy who didn't last three months? Some kind of dog, right?"
"The Jackal, yeah. He was brutal. Went way overboard for every little thing. He broke Dave's neck for jaywalking. Ended up being taken down hard by some normal guy in flannel. Don't think his ego ever recovered from that."
Barbara nodded. She remembered him. The Jackal even tried to apply to the Justice League before he was dissuaded from a career in crime-fighting.
"Well, thank you. It's good to be back. Now, let me see that arm of yours. I'll set it but you should really consider going to the hospital."
The first henchman shook his head, "I can't. They'd bleed me dry without insurance. And that's if they even tended to me in the first place."
An idea occurred to Barbara as she quickly and efficiently set the man's arm. He grunted in pain as she used one of her quick-set splints to snap it into the proper place, "… What if I could get you on an insurance plan?"
"I'd call ya a goddess but it still wouldn't be enough. I wouldn't be able to afford it. Any insurance would charge me hand over fist for 'injuries outside coverage' or some bullshit. Not like they can insure Bat-related injuries…"
"Wayne Insurance does."
"Wait, really?" The man gaped at her in shock.
No, the framework for this scheme was only just now forming in her mind but Barbara could fix that with a word or two to Bruce. Lord knows the insurance industry is broken enough to be considered criminal in its own right.
Her answer contradicted her thoughts, "Sure, Bruce Wayne likes to look out for his city. And in Gotham, one of the best ways to do that is to insure against cape-related incidents. I could… put in a good word for you boys. Being Batgirl comes with certain connections like that."
"Shit, you really are a goddess! That'd be golden of ya, Batgirl!"
"No trouble at all, boys," Barbara shook her head. "How about you all write down your information and I'll swing back on my way out and see what I can do for you, yeah?"
Most of the henchmen were immediately on board with the idea, their injuries still fresh on their minds and bodies. One, though, hesitated, "This ain't a trick? You ain't gonna use it to track us down and put us behind bars?"
"I swear," Barbara nodded. "This is neutral ground, remember? I wouldn't infringe on that."
"Pinky swear?" The paranoid henchman held out his pinky.
"… Pinky swear," Barbara blinked but complied - only now realized how young this particular henchman looked, younger than her even. His drink didn't even look alcoholic…
With the ancient tradition of crossed pinkies, the pact was sealed. Barbara's conviction to make this happen firmed even further. They may have been criminals but they were people first and foremost. They deserved at least this much basic consideration and Barbara vowed to give them even more.
A new aspect of the war against crime settled into Barbara's heart as she left the injured table and continued on her way to the bar. It wasn't enough to just punch crime in the face. As heroes, they could be doing more. For both the unfortunate criminals of circumstance and the victims of the more actively malicious ones.
Outwardly, an unnoticed tension drained from Barbara's posture. It'd been impossible to completely ignore how she felt walking into the bar. Though it was said to be neutral ground, there were only villains and criminals inside right now. Subconsciously, Barbara still felt like she was surrounded by enemies.
After that positive interaction with the injured henchmen, that feeling disappeared all but entirely. As she settled into a seat at the bar next to villains she'd fought in the past and they just gave her polite nods or little waves, the feeling faded even more.
Nothing at all was said about her heroic leanings. She was just another costumed patron here. It was… nice. The waitress Didi just gave her a kind smile and asked what she was drinking. The bartender Sean Caine didn't pause his story to give her a smile as well. It was a nice smile…
"-Then I took the Infinite Dragon God Ophis over my knee and spanked her until she behaved."
What…? Barbara's mind blanked slightly at that title and the action that followed. She was obviously coming in at the tail end of a story she didn't have any context for.
"It took a century or so in relative time but she stopped trying to kill everything in existence eventually. She did start calling me Daddy after all that… But that was probably more from the endless sweets I gave her when I had to rest my spanking hand every year or so.
"Though, Great Red the Apocalypse Dragon leaving the Dimensional Gap to troll the gods because he quickly became too uncomfortable with Ophis' deadpan kuudere loli squeals was probably just as effective as the spanking. With him gone, Ophis finally got her Silence back and the universe didn't have to implode into Infinite Silent Nothing."
Finally seeing Sean Caine in person, Barbara couldn't help but think, 'Mmm, Gothboy Dadd~… Wait, the universe didn't have to do WHAT?!'
Chapter 5
Batgirl was glaring at me. Like, really glaring. It was like she was trying to bore a hole in my skull with just her eyes. That expression probably had something to do with the story I'd just told. Batgirl only caught the end of it but that was the most damning part. After all, who would think their unassuming but handsome bartender would be the type to spank the Infinite Dragon God into compliance?
Maybe I should stop telling stories that made the Bat Family question everything they thought they knew about reality… Naaahhh, where was the fun in that?
And jokes on her, that glare just made Barbara Gordon so much hotter in my eyes. Fiery eyes to go with her fiery red hair. A perfect fit for a beautiful, blindingly intelligent woman of conviction.
And don't think I can't see that spark of desire, woman! You're 50 lifetimes too early to fool an unrepentant player like me! I will woo your goddamn spandex off!
Didi elbowed me in the side, breaking my heated staring contest with Batgirl. Somehow, she just knew where my mind was going. I shot her a look and we had a conversation without words.
"Sean, stop glaring at the spunky young heroine."
"Can you blame me?"
"No, but I want you to make a good first impression. Behave, Sean Dear."
"Was healing her not enough of a good first impression?"
"*Sigh* I suppose… Just don't embarrass the girl in front of the villains, please."
"Wouldn't dream of it. My humiliation kink doesn't leave the bedroom."
"Was that a joke or do you truly have such a kink?"
"Depends on how into it you are, Didi~"
The exchange took a second. It ended with me wiggling my eyebrows at the physical embodiment of Death while she blushed back at me. Satisfied with my victory, I turned back to our customers, Batgirl in particular.
"Howdy, Batgirl, lovely seeing you out and about again. What brings you to my humble establishment?"
Batgirl schooled her glare with a deep breath, "Hello, Mr. Caine. It's good to be back. As for what brings me here, well, you invited me, didn't you?"
My eyes must have been twinkling something fierce, "No, I'm pretty sure I invited Oracle here for a drink or two."
Batgirl's glare was back, "She passed the invitation along to me. Thank you for that."
The glare softened, "… And thank you for everything you've done for her."
"Wasn't a bother at all," I waved dismissively. "Gotham will always need a few more good heroes. The least I could do was give one more a chance to do what she loves."
"What about your supposed neutrality?" Batgirl asked. "Doesn't… helping Oracle show bias toward the heroic side of Gotham's equation?"
"I don't think it does but I can see how some might cry bias. Hmm, how about I make things even?" I shrugged and offered.
Batgirl's eyes narrowed behind her mask, "Even how…?"
"You'll see~" I teased.
"Yo, Freeze!" I called out to the man sitting toward one end of the bar and minding his business.
He sat alone, encased in an isolated suit that catered to his specific physiology. Like Poison Ivy, Victor Fries had been irreversibly changed by an unfortunate research accident. He could only survive in temperatures below freezing. The suit he wore regulated his unique body's temperature with cryogenic fluids and made it so he could live in any place other than Antarctica.
When he came into my bar, I worked with him to devise a way for him to drink with the rest of the villains. In my opinion, he was one of Gotham's more sympathetic Rogues. The unfortunate accident he was in only occurred because he was trying to save his cancer-stricken wife by freezing her until he could find a cure.
Realization dawned on Batgirl's face, "Wait, don't!"
I pressed on, "How would you feel about me curing your wife of her cancer?"
Ironically, the whole bar froze. The other villains looked on in trepidation as if they were expecting Freeze to explode into a hail of icicles at any moment. Batgirl stared at me with a strange look of relief and shock. Mister Freeze focused his entire being on me. I'd just offered him everything he wanted. He'd be a fool to do anything different.
"I would be forever in your debt, Mr. Barkeep," Freeze said, his voice modulated by the suit he wore. "But I am not so naive as to assume you would do so for free. Name your price."
"Nah, this is pro bono. I'm just making things 'even' between Gotham's heroes and villains. I healed Oracle so I should heal someone from the villainous side of things as well."
"Mr. Barkeep… Nothing I can say would accurately express the full extent of my gratitude."
I grinned at him, "Then don't say anything. Just be sure to bring her by for a drink sometime."
"When…? How…?" Freeze couldn't seem to find the right words to ask.
Well, that part was simple. I made a show of waving my hand, "There, it's done. Now, go unfreeze her, buddy. Check for yourself if you have to. Just be with her. You two have plenty of missed time to make up."
I don't think anyone had ever seen Mister Freeze move as fast as he did then. He was out the door before we could even blink. A flurry of hail and snow swept through the Dead End. Then as quickly as it came, the blizzard was gone.
I turned back to Batgirl with a smug smile on my face, "There, now no one can claim I'm being unfair or unneutral. Plus, it feels good to do good things for someone in an unfortunate situation, doesn't it?"
Batgirl's cheeks colored ever-so-slightly and she glanced at the table of injured henchmen she was at before coming up to the bar, "… It does. Honestly, I was a bit worried you'd do something foolish or cruel for a moment there."
I snorted, "I noticed that when you tried to stop me. Did you think I was going to taunt the poor man about his wife or something?"
The blush on her cheeks took on a hue of shame, "My apologies for doubting you, Mr. Caine…"
"Call me Sean, darling," I said suavely, leaning over the bar to the border of her personal space. "After all, we're hardly strangers, are we? I'm sure you know more about me than I do at this point~"
"Batgirl was the one who took the shower pictures!" Batgirl sputtered in an uncharacteristic hurry.
"Batgirl?" I asked with a raised eyebrow and a grin.
"The other Batgirl! Not 'me' Batgirl but the, uh… yeah, other Batgirl…"
I nodded agreeably, "Of course, of course. Standard Bat Family recon procedure, I assume?"
Batgirl looked away for a moment, "Something like that… Ca-… 'C' is bad at personal boundaries, sorry."
"It's fine. I'm sure my nudes are in good hands now."
"They're safe and sound, I can promise you that much."
"Well, if you see Oracle, tell her she's free to use them if she wants to. I don't mind providing her with a bit of extra 'stimulation'. After a few years in a wheelchair without sensation in her lower half, she deserves that much."
Batgirl froze for a moment, "I'll… be sure to pass that along."
"Just doing my part," I said, nodding with an easy tone to my voice that hid my internal amusement.
Spending so long behind a desk hadn't done her social skills any favors as she stiffly replied, "That's very… noble… of you, Sean."
Barbara Gordon as Batgirl was very fun to tease. She was just stuffy enough to provide entertaining reactions but not so stuffy that I had no ammunition. And making her break character was sweet ambrosia for my soul. Pretending I didn't know she was Oracle had already paid dividends as far as I was concerned.
An amused grin spread over my face and I was just about to blow my act when a voice interrupted us, "No WAY! Girl-Bat, is that you?! Oh my God, oh my God, you're back?!"
Batgirl froze again with a plea in her eyes, "Help me…?"
Barely a moment later, she was impacted by a missile of red and black and bubbly laughter. Harley Quinn clung to Batgirl, hugging her with everything she had. She picked the recently-returned hero up and spun her around in her arms.
Batgirl resisted weakly, blushing beneath her mask, "Harley! Let me down!"
"No way, girl! I need my Girl-Bat batteries recharged! It's so good to see you! We've missed you so much!" Harley laughed with audible glee.
I absently wiped down the bar as I watched the touching reunion. I don't think I realized how close Harley and Barbara were. It made a strange kind of sense though. One of Gotham's original female heroes and one of its original female villains. They must have fought each other plenty of times. Who's to say they didn't stop and bond on a few of those occasions?
Plus, it was a nice scene to watch. Who was I to not appreciate two women in their primes enjoying themselves and hugging in skintight spandex? Not that kind of fool, that's who.
Batgirl was clad in all black and danger. Her suit was formfitting to the extreme but still lined with plenty of armor that did well to make her look less indecent. Her fiery red hair escaped from beneath a stylized Bat-cowl and her fiery eyes were currently spinning from Harley's intimate greeting.
Harley, on the other hand, was all bubble and cheer and femininity. Her suit was just as covering and wonderfully tight as Batgirl's but less armor broke up her petite and womanly silhouette. Instead, she was a checkerboard vision of red, black, flexibility, and mobility-a fitting image for her gymnastic background and the vibe of her persona.
Her hat wasn't what I'd been expecting. I was expecting a jester's hat but this version of her costume looked to be based on one of those puffy hats with ear flaps and a comfy inner lining. The trademark twin pompoms still extended from either side of the top of Harley's head though. Blonde hair the color of hay or straw peeked out from beneath the hat.
Frilly and puffy sleeves hid her hands. The whole costume gave off comfortable vibes. Almost like it was a suit of very specialized pajamas of all things. The only thing that 'hid' her identity was the white facepaint makeup on her face. She'd even gone far enough to draw a black domino mask around her eyes.
Spoiler: Harley Quinn
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"Hello, I was recommended this place by a mutual friend of ours," Another voice interrupted my polite admiring. "Seeing the clientele you cater toward, I believe that recommendation was rather apt."
That would be Harley's partner - in more than just crime - then. I turned to the woman who'd just approached my bar. Poison Ivy was just as spectacular a sight as I'd always imagined. A literal goddess of nature - touched by the Green - made real in the plant-based flesh.
Her body was one of glorious nature - sex, sin, and so much more. Those curves made me want to give in to something primal, perfect, and (re)productive. Leaves and vines concealed her modesty instead of clothes. They did a wonderfully poor job of it. She smelled of honeysuckle and fresh dew.
Her skin had a lovely green tint. Fresh and vibrant, it evoked feelings of a perfectly nurtured garden and wild, untamed nature at the same time. Ivy's hair was as red as rose petals. Her face was beautifully balanced, staring at me with almost neon green eyes. Dangerously crimson lips quirked up upon seeing me staring.
Spoiler: Poison Ivy
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"Yes… You are definitely in the right place," I eventually said, not as affected as I seemed but putting on a show to appease Ivy's expectations and ego.
Ivy smirked, "I can see that. Though I'll admit, we weren't expecting to find an old friend here as well."
I smiled, "Welcome to the Dead End, Poison Ivy. This place is neutral ground. Heroes are just as welcome here as villains. We pride ourselves on serving all customers equally. And I'm sure I have a drink or two that even you will enjoy."
Ivy cocked her head, "How curious… You're not as affected by my influence as you seem, are you?"
Well, that didn't last long at all. I dropped the act, allowing the barest hint of my own aura to wash over the bar, "The world is much larger than you might think, Miss Isley."
The Green welcomed Death like an old friend. Plants withered and died, blossoming to life just like everything else in the universe. Where there was Life, there would be Death. More importantly, for there to be Death, Life would forever come first. It was a philosophy the Green was intimately familiar with, even with its definitively nonhuman point of view.
The Green didn't view Death as Humans did. Humans, Aliens, animals, they were beings of the Red. Beings of the Red were individualistic. They desired nothing more than to spread, to thrive, and to live as long as they could. For the Red, Death meant an end. A natural end to be sure, but still an end to all things.
The Green desired nothing more than to grow. Growth in all things. As a collective, as an individual, it made no difference to the Green. The Green had been here long before the Red and it would be here long after. Death to the Green was just more fuel for growth.
To Ivy, I must have felt like the most potent and perfect fertilizer she'd ever felt. Something like fertile soil with plenty of water and nutrients. Something to set her proverbial roots down in. Something to GROW from.
Flowers bloomed and blossomed in Ivy's hair at just the taste of my aura and her eyes went wide with emotion, "O-Oh my~…"
So many different things showed in her expression. A bone-deep satisfaction as if a lifelong hunger was finally sated. The peace and contentment of finding a purpose, an end to all things. A strange sense of familiarity.
And most of all, LUST. Born from the Green and tainted by the Red. Desire, passion, a need to breed. To the remnants of the Red inside Poison Ivy, I was a dangerous old friend, an intoxicating warning and promise of peace. To the Green, I was pure flowering potential, just waiting to be cultivated for further GROWTH.
The Green wanted growth but Ivy was an exception to its usual subjects. As connected as she was, she was still originally a being of the Red. As such, her interpretation of the Green's drive and desire were filtered through that perception. All of that was an incredibly verbose way of saying my aura made Ivy want to fuck.
She lunged across the bar at me. I could have reacted. I didn't. I didn't want to. When those rose-red lips are coming at you, the only sensible choice is to pucker up.
Ivy grabbed me by my collar. She pulled me halfway over the bar to meet her. Those eyes were fierce, almost frenzied, and one hundred percent pure fucking sex. Her lips smashed into mine. Her tongue ravished mine, trying to make me submit by sheer force of passion.
In the background, the entire bar went silent. All that could be heard was the sound of Ivy's muffled moans and lewd lips smacking together. A who's who of Gotham villains could do nothing but watch as Ivy tried to lick my tonsils. Oh, and Batgirl. And Harley…
Against what my body was telling me, I figured it might be a good idea to end this kiss before the crazy clown girl got jealous I was kissing her girlfriend. *Sigh, what a shame. I was holding my own, giving as good as I got.
Still, I pulled away, leaving Ivy panting and smelling of somehow sexy pollen. I reigned my aura back in as well. Slowly, reason returned to Ivy's eyes. Even then, a (potentially un)healthy level of desire stared back at me.
No one moved. No one dared react. No one knew how. An entire bar of villains just stared with open mouths as 'Man-Eater' Poison Ivy tried to literally live up to her name.
Sighing with exasperation, Didi nonchalantly pulled me to the side. She wiped the lipstick from my face and lips as if she were wiping up a bit of spilled food from a child's face. Amusement hid in her eyes, shining through for only me to see.
"There, all better, Sean Dear," Didi said, still pretending to baby me. "Perhaps next time, you'll think better of teasing the sexual nature goddess on the clock."
I growled, "I'll show you teasing on the clock, woman!"
Didi giggled and danced away when I swiped at her. I was left to huff and turn back to Ivy. She'd composed herself thanks to the teasing exchange between me and Didi. Yet even now, she didn't look embarrassed by what she'd done. Just kind of… hungry.
At least, she did until Harley made herself known again, finding her voice with a shocked gasp, "Red?! What the what was all that about?!"
Ivy blushed as if just remembering Harley, "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me! That was-…"
"So frickin' hot!" Harley interrupted her. "Are you kidding me? You were like a force of nature, Red! I thought you were gonna take Gothboy behind the bar and rock his world there and then!"
"Gothboy?" I asked with a cocked brow.
"I was thinking it too," Batgirl mumbled absently, her head in the clouds from the heated scene she'd just witnessed.
Harley stared at Batgirl with her mouth open with ecstatic shock, "You too, Girl-Bat?! Oh my Bats, yes! It's like Christmas came early!"
"Wait, what? What do you mean by that?! Harley? Harley?!" Batgirl's sputters weren't answered at all, Harley's focus already back on me and Ivy.
"You're… not mad, baby…?" Ivy asked hesitantly.
Harley snorted, "Hells, no, Red! Do you know how hard it can be to get you in the mood sometimes? Gothboy seems to have an instant cheat code switch that solves exactly that problem! And he ain't bad to look at either~"
Ivy looked back at me as Harley purred, seemingly considering something, "How did you do that anyway? It was as if I was hit by the world's strongest aphrodisiac… In fact, how are you even standing? My lipstick should have killed you twice over by now."
"Maybe I'm just that charming," I said faux arrogantly, pretending to buff my nails on my shirt.
Harley giggled, "I'll say~"
Ivy hit me with a deadpan look and tone, "… Charming enough to ignore neurotoxins?"
"Something like that."
"That's not how that works!" Batgirl raged. "That's not how any of this works, you impossible, impossible man!"
"Are you sure about that? Maybe it is and Ivy's only kissed losers before this," I suggested, hiding a smirk with a serious mien.
Ivy shook her head, "I've kissed Batman before and even he was at least somewhat affected."
"Then maybe Batman isn't as sexy as we all think."
Harley cut in, "Nah, that's cap. He's not my type but there's no denying Batsy is sexy as Hell."
"Well…" Batgirl hesitated to admit but did so all the same. "He is surprisingly, uh… nerdy… out of costume."
I couldn't resist poking that, "Hyper competent man like that, I bet he can't just turn that off. He spends his free time researching dead languages and the societies they come from, doesn't he?"
"That's… not far off…"
Harley laughed, "Aww, Batsy has hyper fixations! That's adorable! Yeah, no shot, Gothboy. He was already sexy. Add in unique personality quirks like that and he's adorable too. The dead languages thing is probably why he gets along so well with Miss Kitty."
I sighed, admitting defeat, "Yeah, that's fair. It was a shot in the dark anyway. Let's just say I have certain advantages even Batman doesn't have."
Batgirl glanced at the trophies behind me and then stared at me for a few long moments, "… You don't say."
Ivy nodded matter-of-factly, "Yes, I believe that much was obvious. Batman does not inspire the same… ~craving~ in me that you did."
"Oh, is that why you called us here?" Harley perked up. "To seduce me and Red with your masculine wiles? Oh, woe! To be at the mercy of such a man!"
"Harley, I've heard only two of his stories, and both of them had to do with him seducing god-like beings," Batgirl warned.
Harley just grinned, "Kinky~"
Ignoring Batgirl, I replied to Harley directly, "For once, no. I asked Catwoman to invite you here because I have a business proposition for Ivy."
"Kinky business~?"
"Down, baby," Ivy 'tugged' on Harley's 'leash'. "What would this proposition entail…? I'm sorry, I haven't even gotten your name yet. How embarrassing…"
I chuckled, "Most of my patrons here call me 'Mr. Barkeep'. I think we're a bit past that at this point. Call me Sean."
Ivy nodded politely, "A pleasure, Sean."
"Ditto, Gothboy!" Harley chimed as well.
"Good enough," I shrugged. "My proposition is relatively simple. How would you like to add something only you could to my business model here?"
"Hmm, I don't know. I'm a very busy woman," Ivy hummed.
"And the things you do are rightfully important," I nodded. "But I think this could solve any financial issues you're having in a completely legal manner. All it would take is a slight investment of your powers and perhaps a bit of time if you're willing to spare it."
"I will not sell out Mother Nature," Ivy warned, her expression growing hard for a moment.
"I wouldn't ask you to," I soothed. "I was thinking of opening a medicinal dispensary attached to the bar and asking you to supply the product. Nothing more and certainly nothing that will distract from your true purpose."
Ivy blinked, "You want me to… sell… weed…?"
"With your powers, you could do a lot of good this way. Perhaps even help displace the toxic and predatory pharmaceutical industry. Specialized strains that could do anything from cure cancer to get someone blazed as fuck. Maybe both at the same time. And aside from the financial compensation, I might be able to spare a bit of time to help with your true quest."
I turned to Batgirl, "Helping the environment is still neutral, right?"
Batgirl nodded hesitantly, "Yes… But I think Batman and the rest of us would feel better if you would keep out of Ivy's… more villainous exploits."
I shrugged, "Fair enough. I can still help with the other stuff. So long as no heroes show up, I'll count it as neutral."
"I do not need help…" Ivy puffed up in offense. "To protect Mother Nature-…"
Harley cut her off, surprisingly serious, "Red, Hun, shut up for a second. You'd really help, Gothboy?"
"Harley?! Do you truly believe I need the help?" Ivy sounded almost betrayed.
Ignoring her girlfriend for a moment, Harley turned to Batgirl, "Girl-Bat, could he help?"
Batgirl nodded slowly, "Very likely… Even we don't know all that much about him or this place. From the stories he tells and the trophies he keeps, it certainly seems like he can do anything. And as far as we can tell, he isn't lying. Even with his more… unbelievable stories."
Satisfied, Harley focused on her girlfriend again, cupping her face and soothing her worries, "Red, how much progress have we made this year?"
Ivy hesitated with a wince, "… Not much."
"And it was the same last year as well. I want to help you. But it's pretty clear we're getting nowhere on our own. Maybe it's time we start looking for powerful allies. If we have to sell a bit of your stash to get them, so be it. You can always grow some more. Think about it, if even Bats is spooked by Gothboy, how will the corrupt, polluting bastards feel?"
"You… may have a point."
"You two don't have to decide now," I said. "Sit a while, have a drink, and talk about it. In the end, it's just an idea. I'm open to helping and deepening our relationship in other ways."
That seemed to take some of the tension out of Ivy and Harley looked at me with a comedic leer on her face, "Oh? Other ways~?"
I rolled my eyes, "Sit and have a drink, you horny gremlin. I'm not about to ruin your relationship."
Ivy recovered some of her wits, smirking, "By Harley's reaction to my attraction to you, I think you'd be doing anything but."
Still, they took seats at the bar and I got the pair of them drinks. A concentrated nectar-like drink for Ivy and a fizzy hard seltzer for Harley. Batgirl joined them. Well, more like she had no choice with the way Harley pulled and insisted.
They began to catch up and I left them to it, turning my attention to the rest of the bar. I found almost everyone was staring at us. Most of them looked to be a strange combination of jealous and terrified. More than a few - mostly the actual villains - raised their drinks to toast me.
I rolled my eyes, "Alright, show's over. Does anyone need refills now that I'm free again? And don't bother with nosy questions or bothering the girls. I ain't answerin' jack and they'll sooner kick you in the balls than humor you."
As I went back to work, I overheard a few of my patrons talking to each other.
"Gothboy? More like Chad-boy," A henchman scoffed.
"We sure his name ain't Casanova or something?" Another asked.
"Tch, pretty boys get all the luck," A third said.
Penguin shook his head, "Better him than me. Harems ain't all they're cracked up to be and those girls are more than enough to kill a man."
Scarecrow hummed, "Would that make for a good fear? Fear of too many women?"
One henchman forcibly shushed another before he could laugh, "Yes… It would make the best fear illusion. You should only give people that as a vision from now on. It's damn terrifying. Isn't that right, boys?"
He was answered with a near comical amount of nods, including one from the man whose mouth he was covering.
Riddler tapped his chin, "I'm more curious about what Freeze will do now that his wife is cured. That was his main motivation as a villain, after all."
"Work for Mr. Barkeep and sell Poison Ivy's weed?" Condiment King shrugged and guessed.
"There's a riddle in there somewhere…" Riddler considered. "Smoke and ice? Blazing and freezing? Hmm, something like that…"
Penguin sighed, "Oh boy, looks like he's got an idea. Keep an eye out for clues on GCWO, boys. The prize this time might just be a lifetime supply of Ivy's special stash."
Chapter 6
AN: I couldn't resist lol. I really like the PHO format. I know I did a lot of PHO segments in 'The Grind' but I'm bringing it to this story as well. I think it fits pretty well with this story's indulgent vibe. I'll try not to overplay the PHO card though. There can definitely be too much of a good thing. For now, enjoy this long 'dialogue' chapter (*‿*)
IIIII
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Topic: The Dead End
In: Boards Gotham Cape Watch
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Posted On Nov 14th 2016:
I found myself a weird little hole in the wall and I thought I'd share.
So me and the boys were out for a night on the town, right? Just normal stuff. Causing mischief. Avoiding the Bats. And we come across this new bar that just opened up. It's called the Dead End. Odd name but we thought nothing of it. Just went inside to get a drink or two.
Now, the Dead End is a normal-looking place. Simple but not boring. It's obvious that it just opened. Had that kind of feel to it, ya know? And it's run by this one guy. We'll just call him Mr. Barkeep.
So we went in and he served us and we sat at the bar and just started talking. As you do.
Mr. Barkeep was talking to this goth chick. Pretty in that dark sorta way but also she just seemed nice. I don't know, I got a comfy feeling from her. And Mr. Barkeep is kinda goth himself so they fit together like birds of a feather.
Anyway, Mr. Barkeep was telling the goth chick a story. After a while, the boys and I couldn't help listening in. It was wild. He was talking about swords and magic and adventure and all that junk. Entertaining. But the weird bit is he didn't even seem to be making it up. Like he was just speaking from memory or something.
By the end of the story, we'd all gone quiet. Mr. Barkeep's got a way with words. His stories suck ya in and don't let ya go. Especially this one 'cause it ended with him running out on a Dragon. And I tells ya, I couldn't help but believe him.
It sure as Hell spooked the boys. It's Gotham, ya know? Ya learn to stop questioning the freaky shit if ya want to last. So we all makes to leave. Then before we could, some Clownz show up and crash the party.
I swear, I thought we was about to have a shoot-out. But Mr. Barkeep keeps cool as a cucumber and tells us all that the Dead End is neutral ground. 'Course, the Clownz don't listen. They try to start shooting. And nothing happens.
Mr. Barkeep puts 'em well in their place. Without even moving a muscle. No punchin', no kickin', nothing. Just somehow kills the lead Clown's sense of humor. Made him a regular boring Joe. It was straight-up freaky.
Just thought I'd put out a warning for all the henchmen of Gotham. Don't fuck with the Dead End. Consider it sacred ground. Like a church protected by Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman all at once.
Just don't mess with it. You don't wanna fuck around and find out. You might just end up like the Clown Without Humor…
(Showing page 1 of 15)
Rockhopper (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
Yeah, sure, Shiny. Pull the other one. Dragons ain't real and you can't kill a sense of humor.
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
I swear, Rocky. On my momma's grave (rest her soul). On my daddy's bottle. On my grandmomma's bingo sheet. I'm tellin' the truth.
FuckaJname (Joker) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
Oh shit… he swore on the bingo sheet. That's some serious shit. Shiny ain't playin' around.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
Hello, Gotham! Didi just told me about this thread and I figured I should check it out. Seems I got in a bit early.
Anyway, I'm the owner of the Dead End. Name's Sean Caine. Love the nickname Shiny gave me though. Just call me Mr. Barkeep.
And Shiny isn't lying. Everything he said was true. From my story (I've lived more than a few interesting lives) to killing the clown's sense of Humor (I can do a few things people might call impossible).
FuckaJname (Joker) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
Another cape in Gotham? Like this city needs anymore. Damn, looks like I'm laying low for a few weeks. Thank God the boss is still locked up in Arkham.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
I'm not about to put on a skintight suit and start punching people in the street. I'm not a cape -- hero or villain. I'm just a simple bartender.
On that note, the Dead End is neutral ground. Anyone (with a few exceptions) is welcome. Hero, villain, henchman? I don't care. Come down and have a drink. Just, as Shiny said, don't 'fuck around and find out'.
Lady Didi (Lady D3!H) (Dead End) (Neutral)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
I'll be working there too! I'm Didi, the 'goth chick' Sean was telling the story to. Like he said, anyone's welcome. I promise we don't bite~
Rockhopper (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
Neutral ground? For real? Shit… that actually sounds pretty good. I know I've been meaning to grab a beer with Shiny after all these years. Being on different sides makes that harder than it should be.
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 14th 2016:
… The beer was pretty good too. Just kinda forgot that in all the chaos.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 2 of 15)
Macaroni (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
So… anybody notice how the hangout spot is bigger on the inside?
Erect-Crested (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Don't mention it. Don't think about it. Just enjoy the drinks with the boys.
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
#OnlyinGotham
Mini-Diablo-Azteca (Bane) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Shit, Catwoman's here now? The Dead End got its first real cape?
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Yeah, saw her there last night. She put on, uh… quite the show…
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Heh, I should have charged you boys~
Macaroni (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Well, I guess there goes the hangout spot… It was good while it lasted but with the real villains showing up, fights are bound to start. We'll all be pushed out.
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Nah, neutral ground, remember? And Mr. Barkeep wouldn't do that to us. He's cool.
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 20th 2016:
Don't worry, boys~ I promised Mr. Barkeep that I'd behave~
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 21st 2016:
What's green and black and mighty thirsty? Me!
End of Page. 1, 2, 3, 4… 13, 14, 15
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Penguin (Rogue) (Cobblepot)
Replied On Nov 21st 2016:
Nice place. Good atmosphere. Better company. The drinks are exquisite. The bartender is personable and entertaining. His stories will blow your socks off. Didi's a sweetheart. If you need a place to kick back and relax, I can heartily recommend the Dead End. Second best bar in the city, after the Iceberg Lounge, of course. I give it the Cobblepot Seal of Approval.
Crazy Quilt (Rogue)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
His drinks are so strong they cured my blindness!
Rockhopper (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Uh… Shouldn't that be the other way around?
Two-Face (Rogue) (Coin Flip)
Replied On Nov 21st 2016:
Cobblepot Seal of Approval, eh? The coin says heads.
Two-Face (Rogue) (Coin Flip)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Okay, I'll just come right out and say it… What the actual fuck was that story?!
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I… don't even have a riddle for this…
Rockhopper (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
You… You guys think he was tellin' the truth?
Nocturna (Rogue) (By The Night)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Surely not, right…?
Scarecrow (Rogue) (FEAR!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I smell FEAR…
Lady Didi (Lady D3!H) (Dead End) (Neutral)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
He was. Sean's been through a lot. From what I understand, his ex-wife is even on the lower end of the insanity scale for Sean.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 4 of 15)
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Y'all don't have to worry about Simmy or the Entities she spawned from. They can't reach you here.
Penguin (Rogue) (Cobblepot)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
By here… Do you mean Gotham?
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Here as in this universe. And even if they did, there are plenty of heavy hitters here to take care of them. Hell, Robin heard the story so I'm sure Batman will have a contingency plan before the night is out.
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
You have made an enemy this day, Mr. Barkeep.
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Woah, Short Stuff, what'd he do to you? Hang you up by your cape or something?
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Yes.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
It… wasn't the most friendly first contact. And you know how Robin can hold a grudge, Red Hood.
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Hahaha~! You've got to cool it, Short Stuff. You know B-man hates it when you threaten to kill people. Only I can do that.
So… If you need me to, just say the word.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
No killing in the Dead End. Even for you, Red Hood. Don't even try. You'll just end up out on your ass.
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Your death will be slow and sweet…
End of Page. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 5 of 15)
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Lol, considering I don't plan on dying to anything other than old age, it better be.
FuckaJname (Joker) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Hold up, Mr. Barkeep messed with Robin? The most recent Robin? How does he still have clean pants? This new Robin freaks me right the fuck out.
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I do not know what you are referring to. There has only been one Robin.
Penguin (Rogue) (Cobblepot)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
You're not fooling anyone, little bird. Robin debuted like eight years ago now and I'm pretty sure you're still a kid. A freaky kid but still a kid.
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
And wasn't one of the Robin's a girl?
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Sharpens Batarang* You are mistaken.
ShinyCoins (Original Poster) (Two-Face) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Uh… Guess I am.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Good intimidation, son. Now, who is the man threatening my son?
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Huh? I didn't threaten Robin at all though. Just some minor embarrassment.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
My other son. The one who can actually kill without his father throwing a hissy fit.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… 13, 14, 15
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Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Nah, B-man still gets pretty mad at me for killing.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Did I threaten Red Hood? All I said was that I would enforce the Dead End's neutrality. He's welcome to try and kill me outside of business hours. Not like he would ever succeed.
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
No cap? That sounds like a challenge, Mr. Barkeep.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Show him your true training, my son.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Don't, Red Hood! He's not a villain! He even healed Oracle!
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
He did…?
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I did.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Very well. For healing my daughter, you shall live to see another day, Mr. Barkeep.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Sigh, you're not my mother, Talia.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Nonsense, all of you are my children. Even Robin's strange cow sidekick.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 7 of 15)
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
… Most of us try not to think about Batcow too much.
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I've been sure to train her better than you, Nightwing.
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Take that back, you little shit!
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Never.
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Heh…
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
You got something to say, Hood?!
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Smug smirk* Heh.
Macaroni (Penguin) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I'm so lost…
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
I'll admit to some confusion as well. I was under the presumption that Selina and Batman were… well, something. But this Talia woman throws that into question with her claims of motherhood.
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
We have an arrangement~
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 8 of 15)
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
You and Batman or you and Talia?
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Purrs* Yes~
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Miss Selina Kyle makes for a suitable occupant of Batman's time. I prefer to focus on the children.
FuckaJname (Joker) (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
For some reason, I'm having trouble picturing Bats as a father.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
He is a wonderful father. Do not let his broody demeanor fool you. Batman has a warm, loving man beneath that bat-shaped shell.
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Oh, he can definitely be ~loving~ if you catch my drift~
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 22nd 2016:
Deadpan* A deaf man could catch your drift, Selina.
YoungnDumb (Henchman)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
So Batgirl is back in action. The original one. She showed up at the Dead End tonight. Apparently, she's gonna try and get Bobby and the rest of us boys on insurance plans. Thanks, Bats.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Happy to help! I'll be trying to implement a plan that covers cape-related incidents. And keeping in the spirit of the Dead End, it will be focused on neutrality.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I'll sponsor it if you'd like, Batgirl. Put the Dead End name on it like a seal of approval so everyone knows about the neutrality aspect.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 9 of 15)
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
…
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Ah, it seems she's giving me the silent treatment after my latest story.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You can't just say 'And then I spanked the Infinite Dragon God into submission', Sean! It's not right! I had to write up the report on that!
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Hehe~! Gothboy's in the doghouse~ Go, Girl-Bat, go!
Penguin (Rogue) (Cobblepot)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You can't deny it was an interesting story though.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I can! I can deny that! Because I only caught the end of it! And even that was enough for me to put a 'Cognito Hazard' warning on my report!
Poison Ivy (Rogue) (Mother Nature)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
There, there, Batgirl. Do you want me to take care of the mean bartender? I'll ~take care~ of him very thoroughly~
Lady Didi (Lady D3!H) (Dead End) (Neutral)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I'm sure Sean didn't do it on purpose to annoy you, Batgirl. And I'm sure he's very sorry for the extra work he caused you. Isn't that right, Sean Dear?
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… I plead the fifth.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Oh, now you want to keep your stupid sexy mouth shut?!
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 7, 8, 9, 10, 11… 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 10 of 15)
Poison Ivy (Rogue) (Mother Nature)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I can think of another way for his stupid, sexy mouth to make itself useful~
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Whistle* Damn, Red! That kiss really stuck in your mind, didn't it?
Poison Ivy (Rogue) (Mother Nature)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
My apologies, Harley baby. I don't mean to flirt so blatantly right in front of you. It seems even remotely, Mr. Barkeep makes me a thirsty, thirsty flower~ He shall pay for his 'crimes'~
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
No need! I can totally get off on this! Gothboy driving you crazy with lust until you can't control yourself even in front of your girlfriend~ *Fans face* Wooo~ Be still my dripping pussy~!
Besides, I know you still love me, Red and I wouldn't say no to a marital aid and maybe a bit more~
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… You're a uniquely fascinating woman, Harley.
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Hehe~, call me Harley CuckQuinn from now on!
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
No one's going to call you that. Don't involve us with your degenerate kinks, Harley.
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Sticks tongue out* Thbpttt~! Neh!
Mister Freeze (Rogue) (Ice to Meet You!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… In other news.
Nora thawed out fine and she's never been healthier. Seriously. She's too healthy. And she seems to resist new injuries and perhaps even diseases. She tripped over a table while she was recovering from the cryogenic process and the table got a bruised shin…
Thank you, Mr. Barkeep. I am forever in your debt. Nora, say 'hi' to my… colleagues…
"Hello…? I don't really understand the whole villain thing but thank you all for looking out for Victor. Also, it's fascinating what the internet has become." - Nora
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Awww~! Hi, girlie! You should totally make yourself a costume and help your hubby with his crimes!
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 11 of 15)
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Please don't. Gotham has enough Rogues as it is.
Also, Sean? Did you heal Oracle to the same extent as Nora Fries? Can she not even be injured now?
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
No comment.
But if I did, it would certainly help you out with your nightly activities, wouldn't it, Oracle?
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
What?! You know?!
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I think he knows, Batgirl.
On the other hand, congrats on your new invulnerability or whatever.
Penguin (Rogue) (Cobblepot)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
So, Freeze, what are you gonna do now?
Mister Freeze (Rogue) (Ice to Meet You!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Whatever Nora wants.
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Good man~
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Glad to hear Nora's fine, buddy! You don't owe me anything though.
In other news, Ivy's Ivy Dispensary will be opening for business soon. I just need to finalize all the permits and licenses and stuff. It will be based out the back of the Dead End. Neutrality extends to the shop as well.
Mister Freeze (Rogue) (Ice to Meet You!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I shall man the shop to repay you. My debt will not go unfulfilled.
"We're selling weed now, honey? *Sigh* I'll get the scale but you should know this isn't the kind of work I imagined doing with my Chemistry degree." - Nora
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Mr. Barkeep.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 12 of 15)
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Gasp* It's a bird!
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
It's a plane!
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
No, it's the Batman! (couldn't resist lol).
Two-Face (Rogue) (Coin Flip)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You know, I think this is the first time I've seen the Bat comment on anything here.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Yes, Mr. Bat? What can I do for you?
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I would like to arrange a meeting to welcome you to the city and discuss the things you've done for my family and the rest of Gotham so far.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
And probably talk about the 'Cognito Hazards' I keep mentioning while we're at it too, right?
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… Being so free with your words can be dangerous.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Heh, sure, just come on down to the bar and we can talk. All it will cost you is the price of a single drink.
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I would also like to talk to you about your intentions for my daughter.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 13 of 15)
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Uh… which one?
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Batgirl.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Smirk* Which one?
Lady Didi (Lady D3!H) (Dead End) (Neutral)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Sean, please stop poking the Bat.
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Nodding* He is a powerful candidate with a healthy legend already made and even more in the making. Depending on his answer and how he deals with the assassins I've sent after him, I may just agree to this courtship.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You're not even my real parents!!!
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Teenage rebellion.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I'm 22!
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Irrelevant. No one gets to tease my second favorite little girl without making a commitment to her.
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Oh, God, is that why all my boyfriends ended up moving to another state? Wait, second favorite?!
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
(Showing page 14 of 15)
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You and Spoiler can be rather loud at times. I prefer Black Bat's silence when I need to work or think.
SilentBatgirl (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
(-)
Batgirl (Hero) (BatFam) (Back in Action!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
…
Black Bat has Mr. Barkeep's nudes!
SilentBatgirl (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
(Δ )
(ㆆ _ ㆆ)
ಠ_ಠ
(ノ-_-)ノ ~
()ιﺤ
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Oh, shit! She's got a sword! Run, Batgirl!
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… Deserved.
Harley Quinn (Rogue) (Jester) (In Recovery for Mister J Addiction)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Oh, fun~! Let me join! Together, Girl-Bat!
( •̀ω•́ )σ
Riddler (Rogue) (E. Nygma)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
I… think that's enough internet for one day…
Catwoman (Rogue) (Meow)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Scoff* Maybe for you. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the catfight.
Mr. Barkeep (Neutral) (Dead End) (Death's Sugar Baby) (And Proud!)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
More like 'Bat Fight'
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 12, 13, 14
(Showing page 15 of 15)
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Please don't encourage them…
Somehow, I blame Nightwing.
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Hey! What'd I do?!
Batman (Hero) (BatFam) (The Dark Knight)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Deadpan* Named the original Batarangs. Your terrible naming sense is what started this 'BatFam' in the first place.
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
It's catchy!
Red Hood (BatFam) (Hero) (Kinda)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Like, heh… Wingdings?
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
You take that back! What's wrong with Wingdings?
Talia al Ghul (League of Assassins) (Cape Mother)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
… You are my child and I love you, flaws and all.
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
But you're also hopeless in many areas, Nightwing. I will mourn for any children you end up naming.
Nightwing (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Gah! Struck down by a pipsqueak!
Robin (Hero) (BatFam)
Replied On Nov 30th 2016:
Glare of Death #33* Do not make me get my sword as well. You will live to regret your insult.
End of Page. 1, 2, 3… 13, 14, 15
Chapter 7
The Dead End was packed. Another night of serving Gotham's underbelly. But like always, Didi and I were somehow never too busy. Giving me plenty of time to tell my stories. No matter how much a certain Batgirl protested.
"Don't you dare, Sean…" Batgirl practically growled.
With an unrepentant grin, I pressed on anyway, "So! Who wants to hear another story from Mr. Barkeep?"
"Sure, big man, whatcha got for us tonight?" One of the few henchmen at the bar asked.
I hummed, "Hmm, how about something a little more local than usual?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Two-Face grunted.
I answered his question with a question, "How many of you know about Apokolips?"
"As in the concept of the world ending? I think Earth faces it enough for us to be familiar," Riddler snorted with humor.
"No, no, I'm talking about Apokolips," I explained. "The planet with the butchered name spelling. Think of Hell, right? The traditional Christian version of it. Fire, brimstone, all of that. Now, make that environment into a planet and cover the whole thing with a city. That's Apokolips."
A few at the bar shifted uncomfortably at the imagery. Penguin proved himself to be made of sterner stuff, asking, "So? Why's this Hell planet so interesting? It's not like Aliens and other worlds are news to us."
I shook my head, "Apokolips itself is a dreary place, not all that interesting outside of the cruelty and tyranny that make up life on its surface. But what is interesting is the being who rules the planet: Darkseid. Some of you might know of him. He's one of Superman's strongest enemies, a so-called 'New God'. He seeks the Anti-Life Equation, desiring nothing more than to conquer all life in existence and-…"
"Sean, please?" Batgirl was practically pleading at this point. "So much of this is classified by the Justice League that it isn't even funny."
"Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in the Justice League," I chuckled.
"Still, you'll start a panic," She huffed in frustration.
Didi laid a comforting hand on my shoulder, "How about we keep the conversation to levels that don't ruin everyone's appetite, yes, Dear?"
I sighed, "Fine… All you really have to know is that Darkseid is Big Bad with capital 'B's. But he's also not the focus of my story. No, he's only the antagonist. Our true hero is… Santa Claus."
My words were met with silence. Then disbelieving laughter. Almost as soon as it started, those listening were laughing hard enough to clutch their bellies.
"What is this now, fiction?" Two-Face guffawed.
I looked him dead in the eye, "I assure you, Santa Claus is as real as you or I."
He scoffed, "Pull the other one. It's got bells. Jingle bells."
"Batgirl?"
Batgirl sighed, unenthusiastically putting on her 'official statement' voice, "The Justice League and Bat Family will tentatively admit to awareness of the being known as Santa Claus."
The shocked silence returned. Straight from the mouth of the (a) Bat. They couldn't easily dismiss Santa's very real existence now. And none of them knew how to react to it.
Eventually, one of the henchmen broke the silence, "Is he… Is he dangerous…?"
"Oh, God, Villain Claus…" Another muttered in horror.
Batgirl reassured the room, "As of this time, he has not been given a significant threat rating and we have decided to take a hands-off approach due to the good he does for the world. That is all I'm willing to say on the record."
"… Think any of us are on his 'nice' list?" Riddler asked the other villains at the bar.
Penguin sighed, "It's Gotham. The whole city probably lives on the naughty list."
Two-Face scoffed, "And that's if he doesn't just write us off completely on some third, even worse list."
"Hmm, I'll see if I can talk to him about changing that," I hummed an offer. "Though, I doubt either of those options are true. And I don't know how often he delivers presents these days…"
Batgirl looked like she was moments away from slamming her head onto my bar, "I can't believe I'm saying this but please don't engage Santa Claus. Batman will get mad if you invite him to the city and the Joker kills him. Robin would also try to kill him when he inevitably 'breaks into' the Batcave and tries to leave presents… Or coal… Honestly, we're just as likely to get either."
Scarecrow snickered, "Beating up people at night isn't very 'nice', is it? Even if they're criminals and villains."
"Try," I corrected.
Batgirl blinked behind her mask, "I'm sorry?"
"The Joker would try to kill him. He wouldn't succeed. Santa Claus is immortal."
She hit me with a deadpan stare, "I still don't think he would appreciate the attempt."
"Maybe," I shrugged. "But if anyone can rehabilitate the Joker, I'd put my money on Santa Claus."
We all stopped to consider that. I saw Batgirl discreetly type a note into the gauntlet computer on her wrist.
I shook my head, "Anyway, I'm getting way off track. Back to the story?"
"Yes, please," Riddler said. "I'm very curious as to how Santa Claus and this 'Darkseid' tie together."
I grinned, "Let me tell you about a yearly tradition. One that should be happening in just a couple of weeks now. I'm, of course, talking about Christmas on Apokolips…"
As I spoke, my voice dragged people in. They focused on me intently, some even leaning forward in their seats. I spun a yarn, relying on lifetimes of experience talking and telling stories. It was a diverse audience and I reveled in blowing all of their minds.
"So Apokolips, as the homeworld of a New God, is a veritable fortress. It's an unforgiving place. Its landscape alone could repel invasions, to say nothing of its defenders. The armies of Parademons are intimidating enough. Then there are the Furies. And beyond that Darkseid's elite troops.
"And Darkseid is above them all. Even by himself, He could give the Justice League a run for their money. He calls himself a god and as far as anyone can tell, it's true. He's a high-tier cosmic threat. Hell, he's probably one of the most dangerous beings in the universe. If not for his power, then for his sadism and tyranny."
"Oh, my God," Batgirl facepalmed. "It's turning into another 'ex-wife' story…"
Shooting her a smirk, I continued, "So what happens for Christmas on Apokolips? Well, it seems Santa's made it his sworn duty to deliver coal to Darkseid."
My statement was met with the appropriate amount of shock, "He gives… a god… coal?"
"Like a naughty child…?"
I nodded, "And fights through Apokolips' defenses to do it. Each year. Without fail. Just picture it. A jolly old fat man dodging eye lasers and sadistic supervillains just to deliver a single… lump… of coal."
Surprisingly, out of everyone in my audience, Batgirl was the first one to break.
She broke out into giggles and laughs that were so pleasantly out of character for her Bat persona, "Heheheheheh~! That's definitely not in the League's files! Oh, that's too good!"
"I also found the story to be humorous," A new voice said flatly. When everyone looked toward it, we found Robin sitting at the bar as if he'd always been there.
"Ah, Jesus! Fuck!" Scarecrow recoiled, sitting right next to where Robin had appeared without a sound.
A few of the villains laughed at their spooked 'colleague', "What's the matter, 'Crow? Can't handle a little jumpscare?"
Somehow even behind his burlap sack mask, Scarecrow's glare was visible, "Jumpscares don't count! They're the cheapest form of horror!
Robin simply hummed, eying the villain he scared, "Interesting…"
"Robin?" Batgirl asked once she'd recovered from her Santa-induced giggle fit. "What are you doing here? Weren't you patrolling on the South side tonight?"
"I was. Something more pressing came up," Robin answered in a flat tone of voice.
"Like what?"
Instead of replying to Batgirl, Robin turned to me, "Esteemed Barkeeper. I have a request to make of you… How do I make Father reward me with headpats?"
I blinked. Batgirl blinked. The villains blinked. The whole bar blinked. Robin didn't even flinch despite his strange request.
"Uh… Come again? Do you mind elaborating on that, Robin?" I asked.
Robin nodded, "Of course. When we first visited, you dismissed me with headpats. I found the action… vexing and confusing. I have since changed my mind. I would like headpats. Yours were acceptable. But I believe Father's headpats will be much more satisfying to me. So I would like to request your assistance in petitioning him."
While the rest of us were still reeling in confusion, Didi cooed over Robin, "Aww, of course, we'll help, little bird~ Come here~ Good vigilantes like you deserve all the love they can stand~!"
Robin complied with Didi's invitation, effortlessly vaulting the bar even from a sitting position. Once in front of her, he stopped and stared expectantly. I could practically see Didi's heart melt. Hell, mine did too. But only she was lucky enough to give the tiny vigilante headpats at the moment.
Didi patted Robin's head. She smoothed down his hair. Her slender fingers gently scritched at his scalp. She KILLED his stress and worries with a headpat as only Lady Death could. And though he didn't show any outward reaction, Robin exuded a very relaxed aura. Like a large (or relatively tiny) cat. I swear he almost started purring.
"How was that, little bird?" Didi asked as she eventually pulled back.
Robin's eyes fluttered back open, "… Good. No offense intended, Esteemed Barkeeper, but her headpats were much better than yours. I suspect they will be even better than Father's."
"None taken, kiddo," I waved off his apology. "Trust me, I get it. Didi's just great like that."
"Yes. Agreed…" He paused and a calculating glint entered his eyes. "Lady Didi. Are you in the market to adopt a vigilante?"
"Robin?!" Batgirl gasped. "Just for her headpats?"
Robin didn't even glance at her, "You are too old and uncultured to understand the glorious bliss of headpats."
"Old?! I'm 22! Why do all of you think I'm some old spinster?!"
"Because you are."
"Well, exxxx~cuse me for being confined to a wheelchair for three years!"
"You're excused."
Batgirl glared at Robin, "Neutrality or not, I will strangle you."
Robin didn't seem worried at all, "You will try. But perhaps your time would be better spent finding someone to finally settle down with. It is nearly too late for you already."
"You little shit!" Batgirl growled and lunged at Robin.
I caught her and swept her into a princess carry mid-lunge. She found herself glaring up at me instead of likely strangling Robin. As always, Robin was utterly unbothered.
"Hey, now, let's just calm down a bit. No fighting inside the bar. Not even family disputes," I chided lightly.
"There, this is a much better use of your time, Batgirl. Perhaps Esteemed Barkeeper will even teach you the unmatched joy of headpats, subpar as his vintage may be," Robin said. "Meanwhile, I will enjoy Lady Didi's sublime, exquisite vintage of headpats."
A grin grew across my face and I set Batgirl down to sit on the edge of the bar. She was still glaring at me, "Don't you dare, Sean."
I dared, patting her head and cooing, "There, there, all the good little vigilantes can get headpats at the Dead End."
"I ha~AAT~e you~!" Batgirl's growl was disrupted by a pleasant shudder. "Oh my… That is nice…"
"I told you so," Robin deadpanned in the background before melting back into Didi's headpats.
And so, the Dead End was treated to the sight of two Bats melting from headpats. Thankfully, most of my customers were classy enough to pretend they didn't see anything. One henchman tried to film but I stopped him with a glare and a quick Death for his phone. As much as she was enjoying this, I didn't think Batgirl would look kindly upon it being shared with the world.
Suddenly, one of the windows at the front of the bar shattered and a figure came flying through it, "Halt, evil-doer!"
Batgirl was quicker than me on the draw, snapping almost instinctively, "Shut up, Nightwing. Can't you see we're busy here?!"
The third member of the Bat Family to enter my bar froze awkwardly. He was a tall, well-built young man in costume. Knowing what I did, Dick was about the same age as Barbara. Maybe a bit younger. He was also cheesy in the most lovable of ways. This was probably his way of playing a prank.
Spoiler: Nightwing
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Still, I fixed him with a firm look, "You're paying for that window. Or no more headpats for the BatFam."
"Nightwing…" Batgirl growled menacingly.
A sudden Batarang - razor-sharp and perfectly aimed - took off a lock of Nightwing's hair. Robin still barely looked up but his threat could still be felt in his words, "You will fix the window, Nightwing."
Nightwing sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, "Uh, sorry about that… Just wanted to make an entrance…"
"No hard feelings," I assured.
Batgirl made a little noise in her throat and physically dragged my focus back to her and her headpats. As in, she grabbed my hand and pulled it back onto her head. I did my best to emulate Didi, KILLING Batgirl's stress and worries. She moaned a satisfied sigh.
"So, Nightwing, what can I get for you?" I asked, going about business as usual as if Didi and I weren't giving out headpats.
"I'm still on the clock so just some juice, I guess," He answered, coming over to take a seat at the bar.
"Nightwing. Fancy seeing you here," Penguin greeted. "What brings you to our little Dead End? Finally seen the light of villainy?"
Nightwing chuckled, "No, I'm happy with the position I'm in. I was chasing Red Hood, actually. He owes me-… Well, let's just say he owes me."
Unnoticed by most, Red Hood slipped in through the now-broken window at the front of the bar. Much like Nightwing, Red Hood was tall and well-built. But where Nightwing was lean, Red Hood was bulky. Even with the added mass, he moved like a ghost, not making a single sound upon his entrance. It was almost creepy to see such a big man move so quietly.
Spoiler: Red Hood
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He sat himself next to Nightwing, "You're not going to get me to pay up, 'Wing."
"I won fair and square, Hood!"
"What does he owe you?" Two-Face asked.
Nightwing hesitated and Red Hood's smirk was audible through his mask, "Go on, tell them."
"… I don't think I want to," Nightwing deflected, acting indifferent.
"Nightwing here has been a bit of a player," Red Hood said for him.
Nightwing sniffed, "I prefer the term 'bisexual disaster'."
"Sure, bud," Red Hood deadpanned. "Anyway, he had a 'night of passion' with Black Canary and Green Arrow and now he wants me to 'let them down easy' for him."
"Too much information, Hood," Nightwing winced. "Couldn't you just tell them I wanted you to talk to a girl for me?"
"And a boy?" Red Hood smirked.
"I… was not expecting that from a former Boy Wonder," Two-Face admitted with a stunned blink (wink for him).
"Nightwing's a manwhore," Batgirl rumbled distractedly.
"You're just mad I'm more popular than you with men and women," Nightwing shot back.
"Damn straight!" Batgirl growled. "It's not fair, you damn twunk!"
"Twunk?" Nightwing blinked.
"A cross between a twink and a hunk," Riddler explained. "You do happen to fit the bill quite nicely. Batman and Red Hood are hunks. Red Robin is a shortstack. I imagine Robin will grow up to be a twink. Eventually, of course. Right now, he's just cute and terrifying."
"Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this, huh, Riddler?" Two-Face joked.
Riddler rolled his eyes, "Even if they're beating me up, a man can only ignore the obviously attractive men in front of him for so long. Honestly, the Bat Family has a great selection of eye candy. In my mind, it goes Batman, Red Hood, Nightwing, and then Red Robin."
"Why wasn't I on your list?" Batgirl asked pointedly. "Actually, why weren't any of the Batgirls?"
Riddler gave her a flat look, "Honey, you are ~so~ not my type."
"Oh… Oohhhhh," Batgirl quickly realized the obvious implication in Riddler's words.
Red Hood turned to Nightwing, smugness radiating off of his posture, "Heh… He thinks I'm hotter than you, 'Wing."
"Well, he's wrong," Nightwing grunted.
"I don't know~" Red Hood singsonged. "He's the expert on hot men~"
"So am I!"
"Yeah, but only, like, half-expert."
"That's not how that works!"
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"You sure?"
"Positive!"
As the vigilantes descended into childish arguments, the Dead End gained two new patrons. Harley and Ivy walked up to the bar to greet the rest of us. They were quickly distracted by… well, just about everything that was happening.
Two of Gotham's premier vigilantes were squabbling like petty children. Behind the bar, another premier vigilante was getting headpats and scritches from Didi. And on top of the bar, I was doing the same for yet another. Four of the city's best were found in utterly uncharacteristic situations. Harley and Ivy could only stare.
"Harley… I think we missed something important."
Harley pouted, "I told ya we should have shown up early, Red!"
"Hello, business partners," I greeted them, not pausing my headpats of Batgirl for even a moment.
Harley shook off her pout and returned the greeting, "Hey, Gothboy! Hey, Girl-Bat! Damn, you've been busy, huh?"
"Not really," I chuckled. "They all just kind of showed up at the same time."
"And how did that lead to… this?" Ivy asked, gesturing at the scene inside the bar.
"Well, Robin wanted more headpats like the ones I gave him the first time we met. He was annoying Batgirl to the point that she tried to start a fight. And I couldn't allow that so I placated her. Like so," I explained, punctuating my last sentence with a headpat that got another almost lewd moan out of Batgirl.
"As for the other two," I continued. "Nightwing was being a slut and Red Hood's just seems to like teasing him. Then Riddler said Red Hood was hotter than Nightwing and the obvious argument started."
They were silent for a moment as they absorbed all of that. Then Harley burst into giggles, "Hehehehe~! Oh, this place is great~! You never get to see the Bats acting like this~! Oh~! I'm going to jump in between Hood and 'Wing~!"
"Have fun, dear," Ivy drawled.
Harley skipped over to the arguing vigilantes and inserted herself between them.
"I just don't think being bisexual means you have a monopoly on who's hot and who's not," Red Hood calmly explained, acting that way to further provoke Nightwing.
"It does, actually~!" Harley chimed in. "I can vouch for it personally~!"
"See? Now, it's two against one," Nightwing declared, proud of his 'victory'.
Red Hood tutted, shaking his masked head, "You're going to take the word of a supervillain? For shame, 'Wing…"
"Watch it, bub," Harley snapped playfully. "Supervillains just rely on their powers. I ain't got none. This is 100 percent, pure villain. That's how we do it in Gotham."
She slapped her own ass to emphasize her statement. For a moment, the jiggle took center stage in the bar. Pert, perky, and just about perfect - Harley's tight bubble butt was a work of art. It took a second for the arguing vigilantes to regain their wits.
Red Hood faked an imperious sniff, "If you say so. I still think I'm hotter."
"Oh yeah~?" Harley grinned a mischievous jester's grin. "Prove it~!"
Hesitation entered Red Hood's voice at her enthusiasm, "How…?"
"The Former Boy Wonder Runway Show~!" Harley declared.
"Think we can get them in swimsuits?" Riddler asked, following along with the argument he started in the background.
Red Hood and Nightwing glanced at each other. Nightwing said, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea…"
That seemed to decide things for Red Hood. He smirked behind his mask, taunting Nightwing, "What, you scared I'll be proven hotter than you, 'Wing~?"
"Oh, you're so on!" Nightwing's competitiveness came rushing to the fore.
Harley cackled, "Yes~! Yeeeessssss~! Yeeeee-…" She paused mid-cackle, "Uh… a little help, Gothboy?"
I snapped the fingers of my free hand negligently. Death of This Argument. Or something. I wasn't very invested. Not when I had a Batgirl melting beneath my fingertips.
My powers did their thing. But since I didn't hold a clear picture in my mind or really even care how the 'Death' happened, they took on a mind of their own. Or maybe Didi influenced them judging by the sly, amused look she gave me out of the corner of her eye.
Either way, my powers took a… creative route to killing the argument. The localized reality was not-so-subtly rewritten, certain aspects dying and being reborn differently.
The space in the bar was suddenly pushed back and the arguers and arguees found themselves standing on a short catwalk. A good portion of my other patrons - who were naturally interested in the argument - found themselves in chairs as the catwalk's audience. Nightwing and Red Hood even suddenly found themselves in tight, revealing swimsuits with their masks still intact.
"Gah!" They both recoiled. "Where'd my costume go?!"
"You'll get them back when you stop arguing about stupid shit in my bar," I told them in a bored voice.
"Thanks, Gothboy~!" Harley called out, suddenly sounding much farther away. "Let's get this show started~!"
With Harley pushing things along, a vigilante runway show started to take shape in my bar. Two men in just about perfect, peak condition acted as the models. Harley drafted Riddler and Penguin to act as her co-judges. Riddler was happy to see his idea brought to life. Penguin went along with an exasperated sigh.
The show quickly captured everyone's attention. Almost the entire lady population of the Dead End were cheering and 'mirin'. Along with more than a few men. As fun as watching two vigilantes so far out of their element and strutting their stuff was, I had more important things to focus on.
"I should really be writing down that you can do that…" Batgirl grumbled.
"Shh~" I soothed. "Head empty. No thoughts. Just headpats."
She moaned her agreement, "Mmmmmmm~…"
"So, Ivy, want anything to drink?" I asked as Batgirl once more melted into a happy, bat-shaped puddle.
Ivy leaned across the bar with a sultry smirk, "I think I'll have what she's having~"
I chuckled, "I can do that. Come on up here and sit yourself next to Batgirl."
She did as I asked, accentuating her movements to put all of her assets to work in trying to tempt me, "Or maybe more~? Something more… carnally satisfying~?"
I smirked right back at her, "Best I can do until I'm off the clock is headpats."
Ivy held herself nobly, "Very well. Headpats are acceptable. For no-… Ohhhhhh~"
That noble front melted the moment my hand touched her head. I played with her hair and massaged her scalp. Just like with Batgirl, I went to work killing any stress and worry. Now, though, I added trauma to that list for both of them as well.
The quite literally healing headpats quickly had Ivy moaning, mewling, and melting. The flowers in her hair budded and bloomed. Vines grew from them and tickled my fingers as if trying to hold my hand in place. A sweet and subtle, aromatic scent filled the air.
"I swear this is just as good as sex~" Batgirl groaned.
"Your fingers are entirely in the wrong place to be making me cum, Sean~" Ivy added.
A silent figure came up beside me. I didn't jump but it was a near thing. Where were these Bat Kids coming from?!
Black Bat (AKA Cassandra Cain) was a short, petite, young woman. Lithe and lean, her lethal, muscled figure was visible even through her costume. The costume itself was decently standard for the Bat Family. Black coloring, flexible material, well-concealed armor, and the Bat symbol on the chest.
The only notable addition was the lack of a standard Bat cowl. Instead, she wore a plain black half-mask that covered her mouth and nose but left her eyes free to emote. Given that I knew she wasn't the most verbal member of the Bat Family, that seemed like a necessary allowance.
Spoiler: Black Bat
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"(。)" Black Bat 'said'.
'What are you doing?'
I blinked. Even with the mask, she was expressive enough to convey her curiosity. Her expression and body language communicated for her instead of words. And somehow, I understood her as if she was speaking full sentences.
"Uh… Headpats…?" I answered with confusion in my voice.
"(
) ?
"(,๏ ๏,)"
My mind naturally translated Black Bat's expression, 'Headpats…? Headpats?!'
"Yeah, headpats. Like the ones I gave Robin. I'd offer you some but, uh… I only have two hands."
Ivy groaned and forced herself to move, "She can have my place. If I keep going much longer, I'll end up jumping Sean right here and now. And I don't think Batgirl will appreciate me taking away her source of headpats, even for something like that."
"Mou mou! (ー_ーゞ" Black Bat nodded earnestly. 'Yes, (cheek-clapping, cunny-crushing, hand-holding, mating-pressing, breeding) sex is fun… !'
I paused for a moment to stare at Black Bat. She didn't look ashamed at all. As if she hadn't 'said' just about the lewdest thing I'd ever not heard with just a simple facial expression and unintelligible little noise. Then Batgirl growled slightly and prompted me to continue with my headpats.
"Black Bat," Batgirl said. "You're implying more than you mean to again."
"Mm-mm… ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡ )" Black Bat shook her head. 'No, I'm not.'
"Well, you're implying more than is appropriate!" Batgirl snapped back.
Black Bat just shrugged, "()"
"Ugh… I'm way too relaxed to deal with this shit."
"So you want headpats too, Black Bat?" I asked.
"Yes, I suppose I should get up," Ivy sighed.
"(*)" Black Bat poked her fingers together shyly. 'You don't mind~?'
"No, dear, it's fine," Ivy chuckled. "This is for everyone's good so I don't cause a scene straight out of a porno."
"(‿) (人)" 'Thank you ~'
Ivy slid off the bar and Black Bat hopped up to take her place. She nudged Batgirl happily and flashed a thumbs-up at Robin. Robin returned the gesture distractedly. He was a bit busy leaning into Didi's massaging fingers.
I placed my hand on her head and began to headpat. Almost instantly, her eyes lidded. She began purring. Honest to goodness purring. If I didn't know better, I would have thought she was related to Selina Kyle.
"(‿‿) "
I just accepted my place in life after all this. I was more than happy to be a glorified headpat machine for two immensely satisfied women. Especially, with the way Batgirl was slowly beginning to let out little moans that sounded a bit more than satisfied.
But I wasn't so distracted that I ignored the rest of what was going on in my domain. The vigilante runway show continued on as chaotic as ever. Then a surprise made his entrance into the Dead End.
Bruce Wayne stepped through the front door. Tall and so handsome it was actually unfair, Gotham's number one billionaire playboy was a strange sight in my bar. But it wasn't completely out of character for him. So while he attracted a few curious eyes, most went back to what they were doing immediately after.
Spoiler: Bruce Wayne
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This was the man who loved his city more than anything. He gave back to the city and mingled with the common man enough that he might have been the only billionaire who would escape the inevitable 'eat the rich' revolution. He was a paradox: an actually likable rich person.
Intelligent eyes hidden behind a fool's mask scanned the bar. Bruce Wayne smiled as carefree as ever. Batman took in everything before him.
His eyes landed on two of his adopted children strutting their superhero physiques for a crowd, being judged by villains even. They landed on another three who had willingly given themselves over to the evil siren's call of headpats. None of Batman's undoubtedly chaotic emotions showed through Bruce Wayne's happy-go-lucky mask.
He chuckled, "I think this is just my kind of scene. Alfred, do you mind finding a spot for the car? Then why don't you come inside and have a drink with me while we watch Nightwing and Red Hood show off and embarrass themselves?"
Chapter 8
"This… is exactly what it looks like," I admitted with a slight pause. No use trying to hide it.
"Ho~? And exactly~ what does it look like?" Bruce Wayne smirked. He was enjoying this…
I glanced at my occupied hands. Batgirl and Black Bat didn't even react to Bruce's presence. They just kept melting under my fingers. Either they were even better trained than I assumed or they were already too far gone.
I glanced at Robin. He might as well have been asleep by how relaxed he was receiving headpats from Didi. Finally, I glanced at the vigilante runway show that was taking place in one corner of my bar. It had attracted everyone else's attention by this point and for good reason. Even the straightest men could enjoy a skimpy-swimsuit male runway show when the models were embarrassing themselves just as much as they were showing off.
"… I've got nothing."
Bruce chortled, coming over to take a seat at the now-empty bar, "Yeah, that sounds about right. So, Mr. Barkeep, what have you got in stock?"
"I'm not going to offer you headpats," I deadpanned.
"Damn!" Bruce mimed a snap. "Foiled again!"
Damn it all… He really was just that likable. I found myself grinning with him, "How about a nice sipping brandy?"
Bruce hummed, "Hmm, do you have cold Sam Adams on tap?"
I blinked, "Sure, I do."
"One of those then!" Bruce declared with a grin. "Oh, and put all the drinks from tonight on my tab."
"Here to make friends, Mr. Wayne?" I asked.
"You can never have enough," He answered charmingly.
"True enough," I nodded.
I had to take my hand off Batgirl's head to fetch Bruce a glass and fill it from the bar's taps. She snarled when I did, almost literally snapping her teeth at me for daring to pause her headpats for a second. That second was enough for her to regain some of her wits.
"Bruce?!" Batgirl gasped. "… Wayne…"
She said his last name with a pause that was too long to be natural. Bruce tensed ever so subtly, readying himself for a fight. Batgirl gave me a shifty glance out of the corner of her eye.
I rolled my eyes, "Your secret is safe with me."
"Shit…" Batgirl breathed.
Even with his 'secret revealed', Batman didn't let his Bruce Wayne persona drop for a second, smiling calmly for anyone who could be watching, "Is that so?"
"Hell, I'll do you one better," I decided. "In the Dead End, secret identities will stay secret no matter what. Think of it as an extension of our neutrality."
As I said it, I implemented the rule into the bar's rulebook. It was an actual book but it wasn't near enough for me to write in. That didn't matter all that much when it was metaphysically connected to me, Didi, and the Dead End. A thought had it written down just as if I'd taken a pen to its pages. And so, another rule slid into place over my domain.
"How do you hope to accomplish that?" Bruce asked.
"This is my domain," I shrugged. "I'm not above fooling around with reality a bit to have it function as I want."
He was naturally still paranoid, "And you're sure this will work?"
"Positive," I guaranteed. "Just keep in mind that it'll apply to villains as well though. So don't go trying to break my neutrality with the fact that no one can connect real names and capes."
"I wouldn't," Bruce said flatly, his voice not matching his still-smiling face.
I nodded, "I didn't think you would. So as long as you keep your moral code, people will forget Bruce Wayne is Batman the instant they walk out of that door."
"That…" Bruce paused. "Does sound useful. But they will still realize I'm Bruce Wayne in here."
I let a mischievous smirk pull at my lips, "Yeah, I think the reactions will be funny."
Bruce stared at me, his eyes flat and calculating at the same time. Eventually, he sighed, "… It would be kind of funny."
"So…" Batgirl considered. "I could tell you that my name is Barbara Gordon and you won't remember it when you leave the bar?"
"Nope~" I smirked, smug as a bug.
"Wait, what?! Why not?!"
Bruce sighed again, seeing the punchline coming, "Because the effect won't work on prior knowledge. Not to mention, this is his domain."
I tapped the tip of my nose, "Spot on, big fella."
Batgirl - Barbara - gaped at me, "Y-You know…? Do you know all of our secret identities?"
"And more," I agreed. "For example, Superman is a farmboy who daylights as a humble reporter in Metropolis. Cassandra here was born and raised as an assassin for the League of Assassins. Barry Allen, Oliver Queen, Dick Grayson, do those names ring any bells?"
Barbara's mouth worked open and closed but no words came out. Bruce sighed. I had a feeling he'd be doing that a lot around me. Black Bat - Cassandra - was content to ignore the conversation, leaning into my hand with a happy little (‿‿) on her face.
"Batgirl," Bruce ordered. "Standard operating procedures don't apply to Mr. Barkeep. Make sure to adjust and act accordingly."
His solid 'Batman' voice was a lifeline that pulled Barbara back to Earth. She went ramrod straight, "Understood, Batman. Estimated threat level?"
"Unknown. Do not physically engage or antagonize."
"Understood. Sir, as far as I've seen, Individual: Sean Caine has been nothing but friendly and civil."
"Or neutral at the very least. I am aware. Official Bat Policy has him down as a potential ally."
"Also, Sir - Cass, Damian, and I may be compromised."
"Acknowledged. Surrender yourself for examination at the end of the night."
I watched their exchange with amusement, "You two know I'm right here, right?"
"( º﹃º )" Cassandra got my attention, 'Headpats… '
I chuckled, "Yes, yes, headpats. I haven't forgotten about you. And for the record, Didi and I haven't done anything malicious to them. These really are just supernaturally potent headpats."
"Sir," Barbara continued in her 'work' voice, likely to hold back the blush that was threatening her cheeks even now. "Individual: Sean Caine claims-…"
"I heard," Bruce cut her off, his amusement barely audible in his voice. "I'm right here as well, Batgirl."
"Ah… right," Barbara's embarrassment caught up to her all at once as she flushed as red as her hair. "I'm just gonna… find a hole to curl up and die in…"
"There, there," I soothed, resuming her headpats. "I'm not going to tease you. Too much. And everyone else is distracted by stupid sexy Nightwing and Red Hood."
Then Ivy made a little choked noise in her throat, reminding us all that she was still here. Barbara mimicked her a moment later as that realization set in. Bruce was finally letting his amusement show on his face.
I glanced at Ivy, "Well… almost everyone else."
Ivy was practically twitching in disbelief, "Bruce… Wayne… Batman. Bruce Wayne… Batman? Bruce. Wayne? Batman…"
Bruce's laugh started as a slow chuckle. As it grew, it became clear that this was Batman laughing, not just Bruce Wayne. And with the way Barbara was looking at him, Batman laughing was a very rare occurrence.
"Oh, yeah, this is going to be hilarious. Well, Pamela, how does it feel to be one of the first to discover my secret?" Bruce asked, wiping a tear from his eyes.
"Holy shit…" Ivy muttered breathlessly. "The conspiracy boards were right. I think I need to sit down…"
"Conspiracy boards?" Barbara asked in confusion.
Turning to Bruce, I raised an eyebrow, "Anything you want to tell us about your online activity, Bruce?"
He shrugged, "Misdirection is important. It's been an exceptionally effective tactic so far. Only conspiracy theorists believe the Bruce-Wayne-is-Batman theory and the rest of the world laugh at them. Sure, Batman has to have a secret identity but Bruce Wayne? That buffoon? When was the last time conspiracy theorists got something right anyway?"
"You started the theory yourself, didn't you?" I shot him a knowing look.
"… No comment."
"Not only is Bruce Wayne Batman, he's also the crazy person on the internet who is trying to prove that's true?!" Ivy asked incredulously.
Bruce looked her dead in the eye, "The butts match."
Ivy recoiled as if struck and wheezed, "I can't breathe! Oh, my Goddess! You're the 'butts match' guy too?! This can't be real!"
"The butts match…? Where have I heard that phrase before?" Barbara thought aloud.
Bruce answered, "It's how the Bruce-Wayne-is-Batman theory started. I would find pictures of myself from behind as Bruce Wayne and as Batman, and photoshop poorly drawn red lines around the butts. And I'd post my 'findings' for all to see that the 'butts match'. It's become something of a 'me-me' at this point."
Barbara groaned, "Bruce, you speak 16 languages. I know you know how to pronounce meme."
His lips twitched, "Perhaps."
"Wait, hold on, you can't even see your butt as Batman! You have a cape!"
"That's what made the original post so funny!" Ivy said, still cracking up. "He'd just draw a butt on the cape and say it matched no matter what! I-I can't~!"
"You either have entirely too much free time as Bruce Wayne or not enough," I said flatly. "I can just imagine the chaos you would be causing online if you never became Batman…"
My comment seemed to make Bruce introspective for a moment, "It would have been a very different life…"
Robin brought him out of his introspection, walking nonchalantly on top of the bar, "Father."
"Damian, costume rules. We've talked about this," Bruce sighed. "Thankfully, those rules don't seem to apply in this place but you need to keep practicing so you don't slip up when they do."
Robin - Damian - paused, "Ah… Apologies."
"And get off my bar," I added with a snort.
He paused again, "Ah… Of course, Esteemed Barkeeper, Liege of She-Who-Gives-Perfect-Headpats."
Thankfully, he dismounted on the other side of the bar. Didi came up beside me, smiling indulgently, "Having fun, Dear?"
I couldn't help but grin, "Loads."
Damian tried again, "Father. I would like to adopt She-Who-Gives-Perfect-Headpats."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Damian."
He cocked his head in cute confusion, "Why not? You, yourself, are a serial adopter. I am just following in your footsteps."
"Because you're too young to adopt a grown women. And I am positive Miss Didi is more than she seems," Bruce explained.
Still confused, Damian raised an eyebrow behind his Robin mask, "Yes? That is obvious. Her headpats are divine."
"Please don't adopt someone who is at the very least a goddess. Your Demon is bad enough."
"Goliath is a Dragon-Bat. Not a Demon. And I think I have proven myself capable of taking care of him. I would do the same for She-Who-Gives-Perfect-Headpats."
I piped up, cutting myself into their father-son conversation, "Well, I don't want you poaching my best and only waitress. Didi's mine. I'm more than willing to fight for her."
Damian was unphased by my declaration, "Very well-…"
Bruce was quick to interrupt that before Damian could take me seriously, "No! Barbara, grab him."
"On it, Bruce," Barbara said, hopping off the bar to hold Damian back, even going so far as to cover his mouth. His eyes narrowed at me from behind his mask.
I chuckled, "I'm just messing with you, little bird. You can come back for more headpats whenever you want."
"And I'm more than willing to indulge a good vigilante like you, little Dami~" Didi soothed.
That seemed to satisfy him. He went slack and instantly slipped out of Barbara's hold, showing that he could have done so at any time. Once he was free, he stood straight and nodded, "Then a deal is struck."
Coincidentally, right as he said that I noticed a stream of people coming back to the bar. They were coming for refills or just to reclaim their earlier seats. It seemed the vigilante runway show had finally come to an end. And of course, they were reacting appropriately to the sight of Bruce Fucking Wayne sitting casually as can be at the bar.
"Is that…?"
"What's Wayne doing here?"
"Shit, it kinda fits though, don't it?"
"I mean…? Yeah, kinda."
"'Course the billionaire playboy with more money and heart than sense would come to the Dead End."
"He probably doesn't even care that the villains who usually try to kidnap him are here."
"Oh yeah, didn't Scarecrow try to hold up one of his gallas recently?"
"Is he drinking… beer? Like just, some guy?"
"Shit, that's Sam Adams! I'd know it anywhere!"
"That's not something to brag about, you damn drunk."
"Should we…?"
"Nah, don't want Mr. Barkeep to think we're bothering him."
"Yeah, but how many people can say they've had a beer with Bruce Wayne?"
"I mean, we still are. Just without pissin' off Mr. Barkeep for bothering his other customers."
"… Fair point. Respect the Dead End and all that."
Bruce met my gaze and gave a minute shake of his head. I got the message. He didn't want to out and out reveal himself as Batman to everyone just yet. He wanted to draw this out. Savor every reveal and reaction from his Rogues gallery. And with a Rogues gallery like Batman's, I'd just found my entertainment for the next year.
Nightwing and Red Hood came back over to the bar, seemingly in high spirits from their modeling fun. They were still in just a pair of skimpy, skintight trunks and their masks. But at least they weren't arguing over inane shit like the dysfunctional Bat Family they were.
"Just keep your dick in your pants, 'Wing. Heh, dick…" Red Hood chuckled.
Nightwing shoved him goodnaturedly, "Shut up, Hood. I could say the same to you. I saw the way the ladies were eying you up just like me."
"Yeah, but I don't have a verified carnal record of prior offenses."
"Ha ha," Nightwing deadpanned before turning to the bar and me. "Hey, Mr. Barkeep, can we get our… costumes… back…?"
He trailed off as he caught sight of who was sitting in front of me. Both he and Red Hood stopped short. I could practically see their brains rebooting.
Bruce smirked that playboy smirk of his at them, "Hello, Dick. Jason. Pleasure seeing you boys again."
That made the two half-costumed vigilantes freeze for an entirely different reason, "Uhhh…"
I put their worries at ease, "Secret identities will always stay within the Dead End. I guarantee it. Hell, you can all take off your masks and no one will remember who's who when they leave. I know you won't but still. You could."
"Wait until Alfred sees this," Bruce chuckled. "You boys remember Alfred, don't you? He was with me the last time you saved me."
Quick on the draw as they were, Nightwing - Dick - and Red Hood - Jason - quickly picked up on the fact that Bruce Wayne didn't want to reveal himself to be Batman despite my guarantee. Of course, they didn't know he was just biding his time for the joy of the bit. Still, they couldn't help but react with horror at the mention of Alfred.
"Alfred's here…?" Jason gasped.
Right on cue, an aged, dignified-looking man in a butler's uniform approached the bar, "Apologies, Master Wayne, finding a parking spot took longer than expected."
Bruce waved dismissively, "No worries, Alfred. Though you did miss the show. No matter, come join me for a drink. Consider yourself off the clock for the moment."
Alfred nodded, sitting next to his master, "Very well, Master Bruce."
He turned as if noticing Dick and Jason for the first time, raising a single, unreadable eyebrow, "Masters Nightwing and Red Hood. That is… an interesting choice of costume. Is it a limited edition?"
They both let out choked gurgles at that. Understandable, considering Alfred helped raise them just as much as Bruce did.
Thankfully for their sakes, one of the returning villains took the attention off Dick and Jason, "Well, my aunt's twisted tail feathers, if it isn't Bruce Wayne. How'd you hear about this joint?"
"Cobblepot," Bruce greeted in return. "You know, just word of mouth. I wasn't expecting to stumble across it on my night out though."
Then Harley made her entrance in characteristically bombastic fashion, "No way~! Brucie-Boy~! Do you remember me~? Do ya~? Do ya~?"
She got right up in his face as she asked all of that and Bruce just sighed, "I do. Hello again, Harleen."
"Do you two know each other, baby?" Ivy asked with a slight knowing smirk.
"Oh, yeah~!" Harley chimed. "Brucie and I went to med school together~!"
Her answer took Ivy by surprise, "Really?"
Harley cheerfully reminisced, "Haha~! So many all-nighters~! Honestly, I barely even recognize him now. He's all rich and suave and playboy-y. I liked him better when he was just the edgy goth dude in my postgrad psych class."
"Huh, I didn't know Gotham's golden boy was a doctor," Two-Face said, finding a place at the bar as well.
"I dropped out. You know me. I can never finish what I start," Bruce deadpanned before his expression softened. "It's good to see you again too, Harvey."
The Harvey Dent side of Two-Face grunted and looked away. I slid a well-timed drink in front of him for him to act stoic and unaffected into.
"Well, isn't this just a right, proper reunion," Penguin chortled.
As the unlikely grouping of three villains and a billionaire caught up, Barbara leaned over the bar to whisper to me, "I don't think I realized how many of them he knew as just Bruce Wayne."
"'Just' Bruce Wayne?" My smirk was met with rolled eyes. "But yeah. And now think of their reactions when they find out who he really is."
"( •_•) ( •_•)- (_)" Cass mimed an explosion, pulling a pair of shades out of her utility belt afterward. Somehow, she made it seem like she was walking away from her 'explosion' at the same time.
I chuckled, "It'll certainly be something you won't want to miss."
"()"
IIIII
A few days after Bruce Wayne made his debut at the Dead End, business was proceeding as usual. For the Dead End and for Gotham as a whole. He'd only visited the bar once more since that first night. But already people were taking notice of what Gotham's biggest public celebrity was up to.
So much so that the Dead End was to be on the nightly news. Gotham News Network (GNN) had picked up the story, as they were wont to do with news like this. And like all stories involving Bruce Wayne, they were practically obligated to run it.
It couldn't be understated just how famous Bruce Wayne was. You couldn't walk 20 feet in Gotham without coming across his name. He had his own bank. Several hospitals in his name. The trendiest, most affordable fashion line on the market. Too many tech and industrial branches to count.
Even outside of the city, his name was well-known worldwide. That sort of thing tended to happen when you were one of the richest men in the world - and handsome and likable to boot. Entire news studios were dedicated to Bruce Wayne gossip and to being his personal (unwanted) paparazzi corps. The same could be said for entire sections of the internet.
Bruce was Gotham's favorite son. Not because of how rich he was. Not entirely, at least. The sheer amount he donated to charities in the city - enough to match some states' collective GDP - certainly helped though. No, he was Gotham's favorite because he was just so wholesome.
At the core of his persona, Bruce Wayne was a himbo. He was hotter than Hell and just genuinely a good person as far as anyone could tell. He was constantly cheerful and optimistic and he loved his city. Sure, he had his fair share of scandals but they were all so mundane it was refreshing.
Unfortunately, he also had the self-preservation instincts of a rock. So the idea of him visiting a bar full of villains didn't even raise any eyebrows. Bruce's visit was what focused attention on the Dead End. Everything else about the bar held that attention and made the GNN reporters dig deeper.
"-And now, we have something of a unique story, even for Gotham. After all, it's not every day that a villain opens a completely legal business. Vicki Vale has the story on the ground. Throwing it to you, Vicki," A bog-standard news anchor - handsome but unremarkable - said, playing the stepping-off point perfectly.
The news broadcast cut away from the anchor. A woman in her late twenties took his place. She was pretty, as one would expect from a reporter on TV, with flowing red-gold hair and a picturesque smile. She stood below a sign that flickered 'Dead End'.
Spoiler: Vicki Vale
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That's her canon appearance. Alternatively, I like Miss Sara Bellum for her
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"Thank you, Tom. This is Vicki Vale with Gotham News Network. I'm standing in front of a new bar in the city. One that's been making waves recently. It seems to cater to a unique selection of clientele. Even Bruce Wayne was seen visiting for a drink or two.
"Wayne's visit would have been a story on its own but that's not all this bar has to offer. So let me be the first to give you the inside scoop on the 'Dead End'. Walk with me, won't you?"
Vicki turned and made her way into the Dead End. The view from the camera followed her, making sure to get her full figure in the frame. Especially Vicki's perky ass in that tight pencil skirt of hers. She'd trained her cameraman well and he knew to give her fans what they really wanted from her segments.
Vicki wanted nothing more than fame, fortune, and acclaim. To put herself in people's minds and keep herself there. And she was willing to do just about anything to get those things, whether that be reporting on interesting stories or playing to her strengths as a beautiful woman. Vicki Vale was a shark and a woman of ambition on top of it. And she smelled chum in the water at this 'Dead End'.
She made sure the camera got a good view of the bar as she entered. Already, she could tell this story was shaping up to be a classic. What else could you call getting so many villains on film at once? Two-Face, Catwoman, the Riddler, Harley Quinn, Cluemaster, Bane, it was a star-studded lineup and Vicki had the exclusive scoop!
Vicki paused and turned back to the camera, "As you can see, this bar - the Dead End - caters to costumed villains just as readily as it does regular citizens. Is this business as usual? Or is something nefarious going on here? Come on, let's find out."
The bar's patrons had already begun taking notice of her. Having so many villains and rough-looking men and women staring at her was an intimidating sight. But Vicki wouldn't be quailed. She held her head high, put a sway in her hips, and walked up to the bar's bar. No one stopped her.
There at the bar, Vicki found a young-looking man - early twenties at most - staring at her from the other side of the bar. He was casually leaning against the bartop with his arms spread wide and a towel slung over his shoulder.
He was tall and lean, attractive in a pretty sort of way. His features were sharp and currently set in an almost bored expression. His hair was mostly gray and artfully messy on his head. Darkly styled with a plethora of piercings and accessories, he cut a goth image. Not that unusual a choice in Gotham, to be fair.
It was his eyes that captured Vicki's attention and took her breath away for the briefest of moments. For that moment, she thought he looked so much older than his physical appearance suggested. Those eyes were intense, a deep, stormy gray that seemed to roil and churn like thunderclouds just before a rain.
"Yo," The bartender said simply. "Welcome to the Dead End. What can I get you?"
Vicki quickly recovered from meeting his eyes, clearing her throat, "Hello, I'm Vicki Vale. Gotham News Network. May I speak to the owner of this establishment?"
"You're talking to him."
"Ah, I see. Would you mind answering a few of my questions?"
"So long as you don't try to bother my customers, sure."
"I can do that. What's your name, Sir?"
"Sean," The bartender answered. "Sean Caine. I'm the owner and bartender of the Dead End. Most of these idiots just call me Mr. Barkeep."
"Hey!" Harley Quinn interrupted, shouting like a heckler. "Bane resembles that remark!"
"You are very lucky you're cute, chica," Bane grunted, his voice obscured by that trademark mask of his.
"And funny!" Harley added with a slightly mad cackle.
Vicki was thrown off her game slightly by the interruption. It was so strange to have Gotham's villains sitting around civilly and even joking around with each other. She glanced at her cameraman.
Sean rolled his eyes, "Harley, I'm trying to give an interview here. Shut up or I'll start watering down your drinks."
Harley recoiled as if shot, even doing a pratfall off her chair, "Gah! Got it, Gothboy! No need to do anything drastic on my account!"
He turned back to Vicki, "Go ahead. I don't think we'll be interrupted again. Threatening their alcohol is usually pretty effective like that."
"Right…" Vicki collected herself again. "Let's start with some softball questions. Do you run this bar by yourself?"
"Nope, it's a collective effort between me and my girl Didi over there," Sean answered, pointing to the end of the bar.
The camera followed his gesture, panning over to capture a young woman handing out drinks to a few women in Joker paraphernalia. She was pretty, kind-looking, and even more goth than Sean. As if sensing the camera's attention, she turned and gave a small smile and wave.
Elsewhere, several people just so happened to be tuning into the live broadcast. From England to Los Angeles, something mystical seemed to pull at the attention of those in the know. Upon seeing Didi, their reactions were… mixed.
John Constantine choked and coughed, his surprise interrupting a drag from his cigarette, "Oh, holy shit! Fucking Gotham, man…"
On the Justice League Watchtower, Zatanna Zatara was doing a routine check of villain activity on public channels. When she saw Didi on the GNN broadcast, she froze, "Uhh… If I ignore this, will it go away?"
Eventually, she sighed, "I should probably tell Bruce at least. This seems like the sort of thing he'd want to know about."
Lucifer Morningstar caught sight of Didi out of the corner of his eye in his own bar, "Hmm? Oh ho, Lady Death is slumming it with the mortals just like me. The Dead End… How interesting…"
Even Jason Todd got in on the action, "Huh… I guess I was a bit too distracted to notice her before. But where do I know her from? And why does she feel like… an old friend?"
Back at the Dead End, Vicki asked, "Just two employees? Is that enough to run a bar this busy?"
Sean gave her a chuckle and a secretive smirk, "We get by just fine on our own."
"And this place is what it seems to be? Just a bar, I mean?"
"Something like that. It's a bit more complicated considering the clientele we have to deal with but it isn't some criminal front or secret hideout."
"Tell me, Mr. Caine, why did you start a bar for villains?"
"Not just for villains. The Dead End is neutral ground. It's kind of the whole point of the bar. A place for people on either side of the cape game to come, have a drink or two and relax. This place opens a dialogue that's sorely lacking, not just in Gotham but in the cape scene in general."
"Is…" Vicki hesitated at the unorthodox answer. "Is it working?"
Sean smirked, "I don't know. How about we ask someone who's benefited directly from that dialogue?"
"Hey, Marco, Timmy!" He called out. "You boys wanna be on TV?"
Vicki's cameraman looked concerned that things were coming off the rails. Vicki motioned for him to keep filming. She could feel her instincts tingling. This was going to be big…
Two men approached the bar from the tables. One exclaimed excitedly, "Hell yeah, Mr. Barkeep! Imma be famous! Hey Ma! Look, I'm on the news!"
The other one was more sedated, "What's up, Mr. Barkeep? Whatcha need us for?"
Turning back to Vicki and the camera, Sean introduced the two men, "Say hello to Marco and Timmy. They're… well, they're goons. Sorry, boys."
Marco - the quieter one - waved Sean off, "It's fine. No good way to say it, really. We do what we gotta do. We ain't proud of it but it is what it is."
"My God…" Vicki gasped in horror, staring at Marco's partner. "How old are you?!"
"Uh… Oh, I know this one! I plead the fives," Timmy said, very obviously not of legal age.
"The fifth, Timmy," Sean corrected. "And he's just a product of his city, Ms. Vale. Nothing more, nothing less, Timmy's story is his to tell. Right now, we're here to talk about the positives of offering people like him a safe place to be."
"O-Of course," Vicki tried not to show how shaken she was by the child who'd been made into a common thug by Gotham's poverty. "How has the Dead End benefited you two?"
Timmy was more than eager to share, "Oh, man, it's just about the coolest spot in the city now! Like, Mr. Barkeep don't let my friends and I drink or nothing but we still get to hang out with the OGs and the villains and listen to his stories!"
Sean smiled, "I was thinking more about how the neutrality benefitted you, Timmy. Your meeting with Batgirl, for example."
"Ooooooohhh… yeah, B-girl was great!"
"You've actually had heroes in here?" Vicki asked in surprise.
Marco replied first, "Sure, he has. Batgirl most of all. I ain't gonna air out her business though. I will say she's been mighty helpful to us mooks and thugs. She got us on this insurance plan so we can actually get healthcare. It's been a lifesaver. Shout out to Bruce Wayne as well, I guess. That beautiful himbo bastard."
"That's what I'm talking about," Sean clapped. "That's what the Dead End is all about. Reaching over barriers and finding compromise on neutral ground. With an unhealthy sprinkle of alcohol introduced into the mix. It's not always about brooding, dressing up in BDSM gear, and punching the city's problems. I'm looking at you, Batman."
"Is it wise to be provoking Batman like that when you have a bar full of villains?"
"He knows where to find me. And he knows that I'll smack him down the same as anyone else if he breaches the Dead End's neutrality."
"Ah…" This interview wasn't going how Vicki expected but she was pressing on anyway. "That does lead to an interesting question. How can you be sure no fights break out? There are a lot of people here who would usually disagree with each other violently. How can you enforce this neutrality you preach?"
"Oh, that's easy," Sean smirked knowingly. "I'm the one who controls their alcohol supply."
Vicki couldn't help but laugh at the unexpectedly humorous answer, "That's it?"
Timmy barked a laugh as well, "Nah, Mr. Barkeep is bein' humble. He got major chops himself. You should hear the things he's done! Man, Mr. Barkeep can tell a damn terrifying story! He totally could smack down the Bats!"
"And this place has become something of a sanctuary for a whole lot of Gotham's underground," Marco added. "Everyone who comes here knows not to cause trouble. Not after… the Clown Without Humor…"
Vicki noticed the way Marco shuddered as he said that title and her nose for news perked up, "Clown Without Humor? Stories? What's all that about?"
Sean just chuckled, "I don't think the Bat Family would appreciate me telling one of my stories on live TV. Most of them would just cause a panic. As for the Clown Without Humor, well… Joey met me when I had just opened the bar. He fucked around and found out."
"That… sounds ominous," Vicki blinked.
Sean shook his head, "Nah, it sounds worse than it actually is. Joey still comes around. He'll just never have a career in the Clownz ever again. Hard to do with a Dead sense of humor."
"Again, that sounds ominous," Vicki deadpanned, forgetting she was on camera for a moment.
She quickly shook it off and returned to her interview, "And these stories they've mentioned? You're sure you won't tell us about your life, Mr. Caine? Gotham wants to know."
With an amused quirk on his lips, Sean said, "I don't think they do."
"I can already tell you'll be capturing hearts and minds with your strategy here, Mr. Caine. Gotham will want to know. And I'll find out," Vicki said with firm determination in her voice.
She could practically taste the ratings on offer here. Sean Caine and his bar would send her career into the stratosphere. This kind of cooperation was the sort of thing that won Pulitzers. For breaking the story, Vicki would be the one to bring the Dead End into the public consciousness. She wasn't going to let anything stop that.
Sean stared at her for a few moments. To Vicki, it felt as if his gaze was physically heavy, piercing her soul. Those stormy gray eyes were intense and mesmerizing. It took everything she had for Vicki to stand strong.
Finally, he smiled and spoke, "You're an interesting woman, Ms. Vale. So I'm going to let you try. I might just let you uncover my secrets."
"Exclusivity," Vicki pressed even further. "I want exclusive rights to stories about the Dead End and yourself, Mr. Caine."
"I think I can do that. I look forward to working with you, Ms. Vale," Sean's smile twinkled.
Vicki held herself steady and straight. Her hands were shaking for some reason… "As do I, Mr. Caine."
Sean leaned back and an unseen weight lifted from Vicki's soul, "I think that's the end of this interview. You and your cameraman are welcome to stay for a drink but the camera will be turned off. If you stay, you may even hear one of my stories~"
Vicki blinked at his teasing tone, absently signaling for her cameraman to cut the feed, "That's it? I don't have to dig for them?"
"No, hearing the stories is the easy part. If you hang around here, you're bound to hear one sooner than later. Getting people to believe you is what you'll have to work for."
"That doesn't seem so hard…"
Sean chuckled as if he knew something she didn't, "Let's see if you're still saying that after I tell you about the time I helped a teenage Cali girl blow up a high school full of vampires on top of a literal portal to Hell to defeat a Mayor-Turned-Snake-Demon. That should be a simple enough story to start you out with."
"Oh, storytime~!" Harley called out. Immediately, all the villains in the bar and more than a few mooks crowded around the bar to hear what Sean had to say.
Vicki was left blinking in complete confusion, "What…?"
Chapter 9
Ivy's hands shook ever so slightly, "$80,000…"
"Give or take a few thousand, yeah," I nodded.
"In one night…?"
"Tidy little profit, huh? Of course, it helps that this was your grand opening."
The business idea I'd proposed to Ivy had finally come to fruition. It took a few weeks of work - I had to get the right permits and licenses and set up a workspace for her - but it was all worth it. Ivy's Ivy officially opened for business this past midnight.
Honestly, it should have taken longer than it did to get everything in order. I suspected Bruce had a hand in that, either as Batman or as his public persona. It was a good rehabilitation strategy for Ivy, after all. Or at least, the start of one. With Ivy's Ivy, Ivy could make money legally and she wouldn't have to turn to crime to fund her grander goals.
As promised, the shop operated out the back of the Dead End. Also as promised, it was covered by my policy of neutrality. Thanks to those things and the obvious protection any shop run by Ivy would enjoy, we didn't run into any problems on opening night.
Everything came together almost perfectly. You couldn't ask for much more from a grand opening. Ivy had enough stock ready to smoke out the entire city. Mister Freeze and his wife were more than happy to volunteer their assistance after what I'd done for them. The customers queued and waited patiently and peacefully. Even the Dead End had seen more business due to the proximity.
The opening of Ivy's Ivy was broadcast live too. Another story brought to Gotham by Vicki Vale. She seemed to think that Ivy's Ivy fell under our exclusivity deal from a week or so back. And since she was giving us free advertising, I wasn't going to dissuade her from that assumption.
Vicki's first story on the Dead End did numbers. Gotham was fascinated by the concept and execution of what I was doing here. No one really liked to say it out loud but villains in Gotham were basically celebrities. Hate them or love them, they were some of the most interesting people in the city.
So a place where villains could gather and interact peacefully? And even heroes were welcome? It was an instant hit. Not just for the good that could be done by the bar's neutrality but for the entertainment value of it all.
We saw another surge of patrons after the story aired. More people on the gray side of society, of course. But also normal people, and most importantly, bored rich people. It was almost like tourism.
Kids with silver spoons in their mouths and kids with no pot to piss in were coming into contact for the first time. The Dead End was quickly becoming the city's premier melting pot. It was just about the only place that opposing worlds like those could collide.
People were talking to those they would have never had the chance to meet. And they were finding out that they weren't so different after all. People were people, not nearly as different from each other as they may think. Hell, with neutrality to keep the peace and alcohol on tap, they were even making friendships that crossed those societal barriers.
The Dead End was on Gotham's mind. And as the one to break the story to the mainstream public, Vicki's name was rising with it. Just as she'd dreamed, Vicki was becoming the most famous reporter in Gotham. I was pretty sure she saw me as her cash cow/golden goose at this point. I knew for a fact that she was diligently defending her 'territory' from all comers. It was kind of cute.
She was still trying to figure out a way to report on the stories I told. They started rumors and legends in their own right. But no one believed them unless they visited the Dead End themselves. You had to hear the stories from my lips directly to not dismiss them as fairytales.
My stories became half the appeal of the Dead End. Those who heard them directly swore by them and those who heard them secondhand were skeptically interested. Many and varied, they were just as entertaining as watching the villains and heroes interact. For me as well, though that was mostly due to the reactions I got.
I don't think I'd ever get over the way people flipped out over the things I'd done or the way Barbara impotently growled and grumbled at me when I spoke of memetic hazards and things beyond mortal comprehension.
Vicki herself was a near-constant sight at the bar these days. I didn't let her film or record in here but she was free to take notes. Seeing the potential profit and ratings to be had from my insane stories, she'd already filled a whole notebook with them. Not that it would do any good when no one outside of the Dead End would believe her but I suppose she could always write them as fiction.
I don't think she'd had that idea yet though. She was still bashing her head against a proverbial wall by trying to make people believe impossible things. So when we announced the grand opening of Ivy's Ivy, she leaped at the chance for a new (actually marketable) story about the Dead End.
With Vicki's help with advertising, Ivy's grand opening was a grand success. That $80,000 Ivy mentioned? That was pure profit from only five hours of operation. The shop's stock needed almost no investment thanks to Ivy and Harley had even come up with an idea to boost sales.
See, Harley's medical license had never been revoked. She could still practice psychiatry as Harley Quinn just as she could as Harleen Quinzel. So technically, she could still prescribe medicinal marijuana cards. Even if she was, say, working on-site at Ivy's Ivy.
It was honestly such a good little hustle. Harley charged a (very small) fee for walk-in appointments. Then she could diagnose her 'patients' and prescribe them a few good joints. All they had to do after that was walk out of her 'office' and fill their prescription.
The hustle might have been a bit suspect if someone already had it out for us. But it was completely legal, as far as we knew. And often, Harley's diagnoses were actually legit. Anxiety seemed to be a common ailment in Gotham. For some reason…
So with free advertising, our name on the city's mind, and Harley's hustle, we made a tidy little profit tonight. 80 big ones, not counting the usual profits from the Dead End itself. It was about 5:30 in the morning at this point and both of our businesses were closed.
We'd formed a strange gang of employees at this point as well. Didi and I were unique for obvious reasons. Then there was Harley and Ivy - a mad psychiatrist and a weed-growing nature goddess. Finally, to round us off, there was Mister Freeze and his wife Nora. Together, the six of us sat around the bar, shooting the shit and counting our money.
"Hehehehe~!" Harley cackled. "Tonight was fun~!"
Didi smiled, "It was, wasn't it? Congratulations, Ivy. Congratulations, everyone, in fact."
"Tonight's operations were acceptable," Freeze said blandly.
Nora sighed, "I suppose a job is a job. I know I can't hope for many more opportunities for Victor. Even I have a large gap in my resume that won't look good without an explanation."
"If you don't want to work here, you don't have to, Nora," I assured. "We can find something else for you to do if you still feel the need to pay me back for healing you."
"It's not that," Nora shook her head. "I don't mind working with Miss Ivy. I just hoped to be doing something more with my degree and intelligence than working a register."
"You could start working on the development side of things," Ivy suggested. "I want to do strains with different effects but I don't fancy figuring them all out with trial and error. Having a qualified chemist would help with that."
That suggestion made Nora perk up, "When you say different effects…?"
Ivy shrugged, "Different effects. My powers can replace the THC and CBD in the weed with just about anything. But I'm a botanist, not a chemist. So your expertise would still be very useful, Nora."
"Caffeine?" Nora immediately sprouted what I could already tell was a science-fueled ladyboner.
"Easy," Ivy confirmed.
"LSD? Psilocybin?"
"Bit more tricky but sure."
"Designer drugs?"
"We'll have to try a few things."
"What about something purely medicinal? Acetometophan, for example?"
"I think I could manage it with your help."
"Can you tweak the chemicals themselves? Remove side effects and such?"
"Not on my own. At least, not comfortably. That's where you would come in."
A wide smile stretched across Nora's face, "Ohohoho~ Yes, I think this could be intellectually stimulating enough for me."
"You know, we kind of have the perfect line-up for a business like this. Ivy, of course. But then a psychiatrist and a chemist as well," I observed.
"We're going to put Big Pharma out of business!" Harley cheered.
"And make bank while doing it," I smirked along with her.
"If it makes Nora happy, I will happily cooperate," Freeze said.
Nora was already lost in potential dreams, "If we figure out a way to offer a safe alternative to many of the harder drugs in circulation… I could be the woman who kills addiction."
"It's a good place to start changing the world," Didi nodded. "I've always thought certain addictions were a fate worse than Death."
"And you'd know, wouldn't you~" I teased her.
Didi sighed, "Not as well as Deliri…"
Harley cocked her head at the two of us, "Huh… What's that about?"
Ivy shook her head goodnaturedly, "Leave them to their secrets, baby. We've got plans to put in place now that we have a steady source of income."
"Oh~! We can finally go on that trip to restore the Amazon rainforest you're always talking about~!" Harley wiggled excitedly in her chair, a motion that did wonderful things to her… well, everything.
"That trip wouldn't even set us back at this point," Ivy agreed. "As soon as we can afford to leave Gotham, I'll be looking into the necessary arrangements."
"Without having to commit crimes and clash with Batman, that might be sooner than you think," I pointed out.
"Aww~," Harley suddenly pouted. "I just realized we won't be able to mess with Batsy anymore."
"There, there," Ivy consoled her. "We can always do it when he visits the bar."
"He might have visited already even," I smirked.
"Really?" Harley asked skeptically. "I haven't seen him."
Ivy was trying very hard to conceal her giggles, "Perhaps~ He might have been right under our noses this whole time~"
"Hmm…" Harley considered that. "Nahhh. Batsy is a drama queen even if he'd never admit it. There's no way he could be hiding in plain sight like that and not do something to give himself away. He'd probably do something silly like talk to us in his civvie identity."
Ivy lost the battle against her giggles, "If you say so~"
"Shame the rest of the Bat Family hasn't been able to come around recently," I said.
"Where are they all, anyway?" Harley asked.
"I think some idiots have their attention right now. A cult or something?" I said with a shrug. "It's Gotham. You know how this city is."
"I miss little Dami already," Didi commented with a slight pout.
"I still cannot believe you tamed the Robin with headpats," Freeze deadpanned.
"Just goes to show he's the smartest one of the Bats," Harley firmly asserted.
"And what does it say that I did the same to two Batgirls?" I asked, amused.
"The quiet one is smart but I think Girl-Bat is just thirsty. You should really do something about that, Gothboy."
"You know? I just might."
Ivy let out a dramatic sigh, "Oh, to be a thirsty Girl-Bat right now~…"
"Yeah, you're just a thirsty flower," I deadpanned in response.
"Then why won't you water me, Gothboy?!" Ivy snapped playfully.
I turned my nose up and sniffed, "I'm waiting for a good harvest."
Ivy glared at me, "I swear if Batgirl flowers for you before me, I will be very cross, Sean."
"Don't go getting your roots in a twist on my account, Ivy."
Harley giggled at our exchange as if she couldn't control herself, "Hehehehehe~! You two are so cute~!"
"We'd be even cuter with Sean's cock pollinating inside me," Ivy growled.
"Language," Freeze chided, his voice cold and monotone.
"O-Oh my…" Nora stuttered. She hesitated before asking, "Say, would it be possible to prioritize a strain of marijuana that mitigates or prevents hypothermia…? Over the addiction issue, even? For… reasons…"
A puff of cold air burst dramatically from Freeze's suit at Nora's question, "I too would be interested in that endeavor."
Ivy rolled her eyes, "I suppose at least one of us should be getting laid."
"Hehe~! Aww~" Harley giggled and cooed. "You've still got me, Red. We could even team up against Gothboy and Didi~! I've got plenty of love to spare~"
Didi blinked, "Wouldn't it be more effective if all three of us teamed up against him, instead of merely two on two? He's still only kissed me so far."
"We've just been kind of busy lately," I made my excuse with a shrug. "But I'm in no rush. These things are sweeter if you draw them out."
"Well, we won't be ignored for much longer!" Harley declared. "Isn't that right, girls?! We've got to unionize and fight for our rights to Gothboy dick~! Down with the restrictive, capitalist bourge-Ds~!"
"Hear, hear~" Ivy purred.
"You really shouldn't ignore the hearts of maidens for so long, Sean. I know you've been taught better than that," Didi pouted, sweet as sugar and twice as addictive.
A thought occurred, "Speaking of love and addiction… Harley, how would you like to be free of Mister J's influence over you? As in, how would you like for that insidious infatuation to be completely… and utterly… Dead?"
In an instant, Harley went from clever wordplay and teasing to still as a statue. From trying to rouse a woman's revolution 'against' me to staring at me with an unreadable expression on her face. She stayed like that for a few long moments before she spoke again.
"Damn, now I know how Red feels around you… Sorry, B-girl, I know he healed you but I'm about to thank him first…"
"Hmm?" I cocked my head slightly. "Harley?"
"Grab him, girls! Hold him down! I'm going to jump his stupid sexy s-bones!"
"Hold on, shouldn't we talk about this?!"
"We can talk after you make sure I'm leaking 'gratitude' out my goddamn ears, Gothboy~!"
IIIII
Barbara Gordon sneezed. Thankfully, her Bat cowl didn't fully cover her nose so it wasn't gross or uncomfortable. She'd never understand how Bruce managed with his. There was probably some tech in place to prevent that kind of thing from getting awkward. Knowing him, he had something for every bodily function… Barbara shivered slightly.
Still, what was that about? Was someone talking about her? Thinking about her? Both?
She allowed her mind to wander slightly. She hadn't been able to visit the Dead End recently. Maybe Sean missed her? Or maybe Ivy and Harley?
Barbara didn't have many other friends who it could be. Her lifestyle and duties didn't lend well to those kinds of casual relationships. That was why she held the Dead End in such high regard currently. Even with how utterly infuriating its owner could be.
Stupid sexy Sean. With his stupid sexy maybe-dyed hair and stupid sexy smirk and those stupid sexy headpats and the stupid sexy way, he looked at her like he could see right through her…
She didn't hate him though. She couldn't. Not after what he'd done to give Barbara her life back. Not even his problematic stories could dampen that. She found herself having more fun going back and forth with him than she'd had in years.
Barbara quickly found herself becoming a regular at the Dead End. More so than anyone else in the Bat Family. Except perhaps Damian. He regularly stopped by for headpats from Didi. Or as he called her 'She-Who-Gives-Perfect-Headpats'.
Barbara herself had been steadfastly avoiding any more of Sean's headpats. She didn't know if she could take that kind of embarrassment again so soon. Of course, Cass didn't seem to feel the same way. She was a regular as well now, stopping by before every patrol for a few quick headpats.
She also - as always - had no concept of personal boundaries. Barbara knew it wasn't Cass' fault, but when she was the one keeping her silent sister-in-Bat-costumes from copping a feel to go along with her headpats, Barbara felt it was more than fair for her to take… notice…
Not that she was jealous! That would be ridiculous! Why would she be jealous of Cass being so forward about receiving more headpats?! If anything, Cass was like an excitable puppy. Definitely not a rival… Because Barbara didn't even want more of Sean's headpats or maybe more than just headpats!
… Okay, that was a lie. And even Barbara could acknowledge that much. Sean was as insufferable as he was entertaining and Barbara wanted nothing more than to have him rock her frickin' world! Did you see the way he played with Vicki Goddamn Vale?! He had the mature, sexy reporter eating out of his hand!
And the less said about his relationship with Ivy and Harley, the better for Barbara's sanity. Honestly, Sean was an unrepentant tease and player. Barbara didn't even know why she liked him when he was so obviously not committed to monogamy. But, well… after a three-year forced dry spell, maybe she was open to a little bit of experimentation…?
'Here for a good time, not a long time,' Barbara thought sarcastically. 'Especially with my lifestyle. And he already knows my secret identity. Bastard… Still, he's probably one of the only non-heroes who could make a relationship with Batgirl work.'
Barbara had been content to play things by ear with Sean so far. After he'd healed her, she just wanted to thank him. Then she found herself sticking around. Then the rest of the Bat Family and Bruce happened and the Dead End was officially designated as a 'place of interest'.
While she wasn't unsatisfied with the current state of their relationship, a thought kept coming back to Barbara these days, 'How much longer are you going to be content with just your fingers?'
Don't get her wrong. Her fingers were a godsend. Well, being able to feel anything below her navel was a godsend. Her fingers were just the tools she used to capitalize on that godsend. But she knew there were more sensations waiting for her healed body and - to be poetic - Barbara yearned for the touch of another.
At the same time… she was basically a virgin at this point. Making the first move was out of the question. Punching bad guys? Barbara could do that any day of the week. Asking out a (not so) regular guy? In her civvie identity? You might as well ask her to beat Supergirl in an arm wrestling contest.
'I should see about texting Kara,' Barbara absently mused at the reminder. 'Maybe she has some advice for me. Or maybe not, considering Sean's… Sean-ness.'
Barbara knew Kara was just as, if not more pent-up than her. With the things in Sean's stories, there was a very real, non-zero chance he could survive sex with a Kryptonian. Did Barbara really want the additional competition?
'Then again… could I forgive myself for withholding this chance from Kara? And would she even have to be competition?' Barbara reasoned to herself.
There was an idea. So far - not counting Cass -, Barbara's real 'rivals' were Harley and Ivy. A blonde and a redhead. Like Kara and herself… Wouldn't it just be leveling the playing field?
Well, there was still someone else to consider. Didi… Barbara couldn't help but shudder slightly. Why did the literal embodiment of Death have to be so nice?
The call Bruce got from Zatanna was enlightening, to say the least. Did it change anything? No, not really. They'd already marked the Dead End and its owners as anomalies. But there was a difference between knowing there was an anomaly and knowing who that anomaly was.
Thankfully, according to Zatanna, Lady Death was as friendly as she seemed. It was a bit odd to see her hanging out in the mortal world, but it was ultimately unimpactful. The concept of Death hadn't up and stopped during Didi's 'vacation' and she seemed more than happy to simply hang around Sean.
However, it did raise the question of what exactly Sean was. Barbara doubted Bruce was going to get an answer to that any time soon. Sean liked playing with people too much to come right out and say it.
'I can't believe I'm considering this but maybe I should ask Didi for advice.'
It was an unbelievable thought. Asking Lady Death for help seducing the 'man' she worked for. But in Gotham, for the Bat Family especially? It almost seemed like the right course of action.
'Oh, yeah, duh, I'll just ask Death for relationship advice with the guy she's almost certainly already in some sort of relationship with…"
Barbara shook her head. Stake-out thoughts were always weird.
For the moment, all of this was theoretical. She'd been too busy to visit the Dead End for the past two nights. All of the Bat Family had, though Barbara was almost certain Cass and Damian slipped away at some point to fulfill their headpat quotas.
Something was happening in Gotham. Yeah, yeah, what else was new? But this was something a bit more sinister than the norm for the city. Things were moving in the dark. Not the gangs or villains. The Dead End made it quite easy to account for them.
No, this was a movement. A very dark, very concerning movement. This wasn't a protest or other form of political activism. It wasn't even a criminal conspiracy. No, by Bruce's best estimates, Gotham had a new cult.
It started with vague flyers. They bore nothing more than a strange, ominous symbol. An 'A', enclosed in concentric circles. And they were everywhere. North, South, East, and West, from the poorest areas of the city to the richest.
Then came the whispers. A bit of madness here. A bit of insanity there. All cloaked with a paradoxical sense of purpose. Something was coming.
The Dead End was a great help here as well. With it becoming the place in the city for people from all walks of life to gather, there was plenty of information to be overheard. More than a few people were curious about the flyers and their meaning, likely playing right into the movement's hands.
With the whispers, the flyers, and some good old-fashioned detective work, the Bat Family had narrowed the likely focus of the cult down to Arkham Tower - the recent replacement for Arkham Asylum. Because of course, it would be Arkham…
That led Barbara back to what she was currently doing. What the whole Bat Family was currently doing. It was Stakeout Time.
"Yaaaaaaaayyyy…" Barbara deadpanned to herself.
She was more than aware that stakeouts were a necessary part of the job. Especially when they had very little to go off of - like they did with this cult. Even as Oracle, she'd been a part of this process. Barbara was of the (objectively correct) opinion that digital stakeouts were much better than physical ones.
Unfortunately, they didn't have any other options in this case. The Bat Family's investigation hadn't turned up anything of real note. The cult had been very careful to fly under the radar. They were remarkably focused on whatever scheme they had in the proverbial oven.
Usually, with cults like this, there would be something. Evidence of recruitment. Mass gatherings. Preaching or trying to spread their message in some way. Causing general chaos and unrest with many little events and crimes. Something.
There hadn't been any of those things in this case so far. This cult was keeping strictly to the shadows until it was time for their grand reveal.
The Bat Family only knew to focus their efforts on Arkham Tower thanks to Bruce's knowledge of occultism and symbology. The 'A' on the flyers was stylized in the same way as the 'A's from Amadeus Arkham's signature - the founder of the original Asylum. And the concentric circles were some sort of occult ideogram.
Thankfully, crime in the rest of the city was down since Sean's bar started making waves. Bruce even coordinated with Sean to offer drinks half-off for a few days to make sure crime stayed that way and to give the Bat Family the necessary leeway to focus on Arkham.
They were prepared for anything. But all that had come out of the stakeout so far was three nights of monotony. It was boring work but necessary. They were watching Arkham in shifts. And Barbara's current shift was just about done. By the bottom of the hour, she should be able to get out of her costume and get a shower.
'Or visit Sean~' A traitorous voice teased in her mind.
Barbara shook the thought out of her head. She turned back to the Bat-puter connected to her gauntlet. It was plugged into Arkham's system and she had access to the whole Tower with it. Flicking through the camera feeds just showed the same thing as when she checked 10 minutes ago.
There was a soft thump on the rooftop nook of the Tower Barbara was using as a stakeout position. Just from the sound of the impact, Barbara knew who it was. Bruce's cape would have ruffled ever-so-slightly. Damian would have made absolutely no noise when he landed. Terrifyingly, Jason was in the same boat as Damian. Cass would have already poked her. Tim and Steph would have been louder than the soft thump and accompanied by the sound of their grapple guns.
"Here to relieve me, Dick?" She asked.
"Yeah, Babs. Any movement?" Dick answered and asked in return.
He came up beside her, crowding in to look at her screen too. Barbara naturally leaned on him. She'd missed this sort of natural camaraderie in the field when she was out of commission. She fondly remembered doing this exact same thing with Dick when they were both younger.
'He's a good few inches taller now though,' Barbara absently mused.
He was her brother in all ways that mattered. All ways but blood. A brother she'd once wanted to fuck but still. She'd gotten over that crush during her time as Oracle. Now, she was just happy to be in costume next to him again.
"No movement. Same as when I came on shift. The Tower is basically asleep right now. Except for the usual suspects."
"The moment we catch Joker sleeping is the moment when I settle down," Dick joked. "Maybe see if Supergirl is still interested? Or Miss Martian? Or Cyborg? Or Aqualad?"
"You're such a slut," Barbara rolled her eyes. "Kara would crush your pelvis into powder."
Dick nodded sagely, "But what a way to go…"
"And then Superman would get involved to make sure you weren't hurting his cousin," Barbara deadpanned.
"Err… on second thought…"
"Manwhore."
"Dweeb."
"Jackass."
"Virgin," Dick shot back.
"I've had sex, Dick!" Barbara snapped. "It's just… been a while."
"Suuuuurreee, you have," Dick smirked and patted her shoulder condescendingly.
Barbara stuck her tongue out at him because she was obviously the more mature of the two of them.
Dick chuckled, "Anyway, you should be clear to relax here in a second. Let me just plug myself in and then you can go."
Barbara sighed, "Haaa… Which means it's also time for paperwork."
She snapped her gauntlet closed and began to pack up, making sure to not forget anything. There wasn't much but she did just spend six hours on the roof of the Tower. Her Bat Chair was folded into its very small travel state and the remaining trash from her Bat Snacks was slid into her utility belt.
"Has anyone ever told you your naming sense sucks?" She snarked.
"Many people but I don't see it," Dick answered with amusement. "I'll remind you that I also came up with the genius of Bat Shampoo and Conditioner Gordon."
Barbara paused, "… Okay, I'll give you that one. But that still doesn't make up for 'Wingdings'."
"Why does everyone have such a problem with my Wingdings?! I think they're great-…" Dick abruptly stopped his little rant, focusing on his own Bat-puter. "Movement, Babs. I think it's going down."
Barbara hung her head in exasperation, "Damn it… Right, I'll contact the others. What are we looking at?"
"The guards at Entry let in a bunch of cliched, robed figures then joined them," Dick recounted. "The rest of the guards in the Tower are joining them as well. I think the warden too. They're all going into the Tower's basement. A cell…? Why is there a cell down there?"
"The patients and inmates?" Barbara inquired, sending the standard Bat SOS to the rest of the Bat Family.
"They're completely unsupervised now but none of them have noticed yet."
"What about the cultists?"
"Can't see much past their hoods. They all look human, at least. Hopefully, that will mean they're not magically mutated or anything. The only one without a hood is this old guy in a vestment. Looks like a priest or something. So 'cultists' sounds about right."
At this point, the signal had been sent and Barbara was already getting acknowledging replies from the rest of the BatFam. Reinforcements were on the way and would be there in minutes. Minutes that they might not have as the cultists reached their destination - the lone cell in Arkham Tower's basement - and set about their ritual.
Rebooting her Bat-puter - which was luckily still connected to Arkham's system -, Barbara hissed as she recognized the man Dick mentioned, "Shit, Deacon Blackfire. How the Hell is he even here?! He's been dead three times over at this point! Wasn't he fucking erased by God's Judgment when he blew up the original Arkham Asylum?!"
"Damn," Dick chuckled. "I had my money on the Court of Owls."
"Not nearly enough owl-hybrids and rich people," Barbara dismissed. "C'mon, we've got to move."
Arkham Tower was a dreary and imposing structure. Unlike the Asylum of the same name, Arkham Tower wasn't located on the fringes of Gotham. It was built in the unfinished, towering, former lair of Hugo Strange. Which was located in the middle of the city…
'Whoever thought that was a good idea should be brought up on criminal charges,' Barbara thought.
Yet despite its location, Arkham Tower somehow managed to feel isolated. Constrained. Just as much a prison as the original. A monument of hostile architecture, it cut a jagged silhouette in Gotham's skyline.
Barbara had been sitting on one of the tower's sharp terraces - wide enough to get a good pace going - for her stakeout. Of course, that meant Dick had scaled a dozen stories to get to her. But that was far from surprising, really.
This position had been chosen for its anonymity and access to the Tower. There was an access shaft set into the wall that the two heroes could use to enter and traverse the tower. It would take them anywhere throughout the tower's interior. A fact that could be attributed to some crazy bastard on the design team and Bruce throwing discreet money at the project despite his reservations. After all, it paid for Batman to have a way to get around Arkham undetected.
If someone looked at Arkham Tower from above with X-ray vision, they would have seen a multi-story stack of Swiss cheese. Barbara and Dick entered the access shaft, prepared to use those many 'cheese holes' to their advantage. The most direct route to the tower's basement was already programmed into their Bat-puters and even as they rappelled down the seemingly endless empty shaft with branching paths, Barbara was focused on her screen.
"Do we have anything on this cell in the basement?" Dick asked.
"From what I can tell," Barbara answered. "It's a complete replica of Amadeus Arkham's cell at the original Asylum. Down to the millimeter. They even scraped the blood from the original and cloned it to use here."
Dick was bewildered, "What the…? Why would they even build that? No, why would they document going to such lengths to recreate the insane, bloody carvings?!"
"It's Gotham," Barbara deadpanned as if that answered everything. It did.
"Most likely, this has been in the works for longer than we thought. The legends of Arkham's founder must have gathered a cult following and Blackfire probably latched onto it for his own means."
"Does that tell us anything about their goals and motives?"
"With Blackfire leading all of this, it's probably something to do with the occult."
"Which never ends well. Especially not when combined with famously insane men like Arkham and Blackfire."
"And since the guards are involved as well, we'll have to do a full purge of the tower after this is done."
"We're also on a time limit," Dick pointed out. "I'll bet Joker is already noticing the lack of supervision. This is a mass breakout in the making."
Barbara's screen pinged, "Bruce and Damian are six minutes out. Sending them everything we think we know so far."
"They're going to be a little late to the party," Dick said as they landed at the bottom of the shaft.
"No, we're just fashionably early," Barbara joked.
"Shall we?" Dick asked faux formally, even going so far as to extend his elbow to her.
"We shall."
The basement was a strange space. Neither of them had been down here before or even seen blueprints of it. It was a cave of concrete and almost nothing else. In the very center, a lone cell stood on its own. Just a single box of concrete, unconnected from its already bland concrete surroundings.
There weren't any shadows to hide in so the two heroes had to watch from the vent in the wall that connected to the access shaft they'd entered from. The previously empty, cavernous basement was now filled with more than just the lone cell. Several dozen people crowded around, waiting with bated breath for something. Some were in robes. Others were in Arkham uniforms. Two stood out as special. One in an expensive suit and the other in a clergy's vestments.
The man in vestments stood above the crowd. Barbara couldn't help but muffle a giggle, "Looks like Blackfire brought his own soapbox to speak from."
Dick snorted but shushed her, "Hngk, shhh, Babs."
"My Flock… My precious Flock…" Deacon Blackfire said with gravitas and genuinely twisted affection. "We are on the verge of greatness. For too long, this city has been plagued by madness. Madness… Pure madness!"
"Joy," Dick muttered. "Like he doesn't add to that 'madness' at all."
"And here at Arkham! That madness has been allowed to fester!" Blackfire continued, preaching up a storm. "Fester and feast on itself. Growing like vines in the dark to cover every inch of this city."
"Ivy would take offense to that, you crazy undead bastard," Barbara grumbled.
"It was bad enough when Arkham was relegated to the fringes of Gotham. But now! It is here, in the center of it all… That cannot be allowed to stand. Today, we fight madness with madness!"
His 'sermon' was met with cheers and exaltations. Barbara shook her head, "I can see how he's gathered support in Arkham."
"Amadeus Arkham was a troubled man. There is no denying that. But he knew madness," Blackfire intoned solemnly. "And even to the very end, he fought madness with everything he had. Inside this cell is a direct recreation of his final works. The wonderful and genius Sigil of Madness!"
"Even the name he gave it sounds evil. Man, he just can't help himself, can he?" Dick mused.
"He's his own special brand of evil compared to our usual villains," Barbara said.
Blackfire's voice rumbled deeply, sinister and heavy as he said, "There is only one way forward… To activate the Sigil of Madness, we must perform a grand ritual. The fate of the city lies in our hands and our illustrious warden had volunteered himself as a sacrificial tribute… to madness! Rejoice, my Flock!"
"Aaannnndd…" Dick drawled. "That's our cue."
"Fucking cultists…" Barbara grumbled. "It's always human sacrifice, isn't it?"
They slid out of the hole in the wall that they were peeking through. Almost immediately, they were noticed. There wasn't anywhere to hide in the basement, eerily well-lit and empty as it was.
So instead of trying for stealth, Dick and Barbara announced themselves. A Batarang and one of Dick's comically named Wingdings whistled through the air to destroy Blackfire's soapbox. He fell on top of the wooden heap as it collapsed.
Blackfire's cowardly nature showed itself immediately, "G-Get them! T-Their madness stands before our fated mission! Take heed, my Flock! You must stop them while I hi-… Complete the ritual! At any cost!"
As if controlled by one collective mind, the robed figures and Arkham guards turned to face Dick and Barbara. Those with guns raised them into ready positions. Those without lumbered forward ominously and dramatically. While his Flock threatened the two heroes, Blackfire grabbed the warden and slipped into the sole standing source of cover within the basement.
Dick and Barbara were already moving before the armed guards could get a bead on them. Dick split right. Barbara mirrored him on the other side. The guards opened fire.
Dick's batons shot from his gauntlets into his hands. With well-practiced swings, he cleaved a swath through the unarmed cultists coming at him.
He weaved between bullets as if he had a sixth sense. As flexible and strong as a whip, Dick's body moved like a weapon. He ducked and struck. His batons left cultists and guards bruised and unconscious.
On the other side, Barbara slipped under the gunfire. A few pistol rounds pinged off her armored suit. She barely noticed them.
She slid, taking out the legs of her first cultist. They went down in a pile of limbs and robes. Barbara put them out of commission with a perfect strike to the temple.
In an instant, she was twirling around and putting down another. She didn't carry the batons Dick did but even unarmed, she was more than dangerous enough to match him. Her fists flashed like steel, hammering through unprepared defenses. Feet, knees, and elbows struck true, laying low everything that stood against her.
Barbara moved like a well-oiled machine. Her movements were effortless. Every dodge and strike, perfectly timed for the greatest effect, flowed from the last like water. Even in her prime, she would have struggled to match her current self.
Her face was a mask of concentration. Mostly trying to limit collateral damage from the indiscriminate gunfire aimed at her. She took down several cultists before they could be caught in the crossfire from their allies.
On the inside, Barbara was practically giddy. It felt so good to be back in the field like this. To use her body as the dangerous weapon she'd trained it to be. She danced to the full extent of her physical capabilities and beyond.
Before being healed, she couldn't have imagined doing this again. Much less doing it better than in her prime. Sean called it 'Death of the Unhealthy Body'. Considering who they now knew Didi to truly be, that raised some concerns.
Still, Barbara couldn't argue with the results. She was faster and stronger than she'd ever been before. Her body wasn't just healed, it was restored to everything it would have been in a perfect world. Every injury, every setback, and every mistake had been eliminated as if they never happened. Barbara was raised to an impossibly perfect standard and maintained there.
For all intents and purposes, she was superhuman. At least, so far as how her body had achieved impossible levels of physical perfection and health. Barbara's body had been taken to the peak of humanity and elevated past it ever so slightly.
She twirled and kicked, spun and struck, acting more like a whirlwind of evasive offense than a mere human. She flipped over bullets and grasping hands alike. Like a harvesting scythe in a field of wheat, Barbara left cultists prone and unconscious.
Only when they continued to stand up, barely shaking off her initial knock-out strikes, did Barbara start to break bones. That was their one warning. Knocking them out was Barbara playing nice.
But these were zealots. If they could make themselves stand, they would keep coming. Their devotion to an ideal that was 'greater' than them drove them on unendingly. The only way to keep them from killing themselves was to make sure they were physically unable.
Knees were dislocated. Shoulders, displaced from their sockets. Ribs were cracked and broken. Flesh and muscles were bruised, left too sore to stand. Pressure points cried out, screaming sensations that immobilized the bodies they were connected to.
Barbara left the cultists as a mess of hospital bills and future aches. It was unsightly but necessary. For their own good, even. They were trying to kill her, prevent her from stopping an occult ritual that would do who knows what to the city. Barbara was only doing what she had to.
The violence she was dishing out was a means to a noble and just end. She took no pleasure in pain. If anything, she felt bad for the cultists. As she was now, fighting normal humans was almost bullying. They didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell…
Barbara made sure to be appropriately gentle because of that consideration. Well, as gentle as breaking bones and dislocating joints can be. Thankfully, her control had improved right alongside her body. She could dish out just the right amount of force every time.
Blinding the last guard with her cape, Barbara twirled around him. She grabbed his gun and disarmed him as she twirled. Dropping the mag and ejecting the round in the chamber, she slapped him upside the head with his now-inert gun. He dropped like a sack of bricks. As if the strings holding his body upright were suddenly cut.
Now finished with her side, Barbara looked to Dick. He was lagging behind her but not by much. It only took him a few more seconds to deal with the rest of his cultists. Soon enough, they were all disabled and he rejoined Barbara.
Together, they rushed into the recreation of Amadeus Arkham's cell. Only to find they were a moment too late. Arkham's warden lay in the center of the Sigil of Madness. Deacon Blackfire stood over him with a bloody knife in hand. A slitted gash ran across the warden's neck.
Dick and Barbara quickly subdued the cowardly deacon. As Dick watched him, Barbara kneeled next to the warden and began first aid. She was able to stem the bleeding using Batgel, a quick-acting medical gel that sealed and supported wounds. The warden would live but the blood was already spilled.
Blood pooled into the Sigil of Madness below the deacon. An unearthly glow illuminated it. Barbara moved the warden out of the way just as the glow tried to peak. Without the source of blood for the ritual, the Sigil of Madness stuttered and failed. But only partially.
A flash of writhing madness tried to fill the cell. The roar that should have accompanied it came out as a mad whimper. The Sigil wasn't yet powerful enough to affect the whole city. But it did affect Arkham Tower, infecting it with even more madness than what already filled its walls.
All of the inhabitants of Arkham Tower received an unhealthy dose of madness. Including the just-arriving Bat Family. Thankfully, the Bat Family was already mad enough. Along with their indomitable wills, they were left relatively unaffected by the Sigil.
The patients and inmates of the tower weren't so lucky. Months and years of progress were reverted in seconds. Madness cackled from the walls around them. Inmates awoke, doors came unlocked, and in a mad symphony, a path was laid to escape.
Chief among them was the Joker. He accepted the madness into his soul. It didn't so much affect him as it did feed him, fuel him. A man of pure insanity, he fed on the unearthly madness as he and the others made their escape. Inside the convoluted corridors of his mind, something already thoroughly broken… cracked. But, like, in a funny way.
Chapter 10
Spoiler: Harley CuckQuinn
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Harley stared down at Sean with a predatory glint in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
Her eyes lidded and she purred, "Do it, Gothboy~ Make~ my~ day~"
Upon his offer to KILL her infatuation with Mister J, Harley had jumped Sean. She bowled him to the floor - mounting and straddling him like captured prey. Her legs on either side of his body pinned him in place. Her hands on his chest held him down. There was no escape in sight for Sean. Not that he was looking for it.
Inside, Harley was a mess of emotion, excitement, and euphoria. Even more so than usual. Her heart was fluttering. Her mind doing pirouettes on a razor's edge.
For so long, she'd been a slave to Mister J's influence over her. Obsession ruled her heart and mind. Every time he called, she came running back. Every moment of happiness was underlain by a constant current of fear that he would come back into her life and ruin everything all over again.
It was painful. It had hurt Harley and the people she loved most. She knew it was wrong, that it was unhealthy. But she just couldn't help herself. Even when she was happy with Red, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from leaving if Mister J even spoke her name.
It was torture, pure and simple. And Gothboy had just offered her a way out. His offer was a lifeline while she was being waterboarded. It was an end to the pain and suffering of being so tied to Mister J.
Gothboy reminded her of Mister J in some ways. He was a force of personality, charisma, and chaos in the best of ways. People were twisted by his words even when he didn't try to influence them.
Thankfully, in all the ways that mattered, they couldn't be more different. Mister J was sadistic, taking pleasure in cruel jokes and the hurt he inflicted. Harley knew he didn't care one bit for her. And even then, he always had her coming back for more.
Gothboy was laid back. Relaxed. Chill, even. He was content to be left with his bar and an absence of trouble. He didn't have Mister J's abominable ambitions. But that didn't make Gothboy any less fun. It was a different kind of fun, to be sure, with much less guilt involved in the aftermath, but fun for Harley to enjoy all the same.
Sean blinked at finding himself beneath Harley, "Uh, right. Done."
Harley blinked as well. That was it? So simple? Nothing to it?
She thought of Mister J. Thought of him calling her name. Where once it would have set her very being aflame with pride and a need to please, now it just filled her with disgust. That deplorable man thought he could control her? He wasn't even that funny!
Harley gasped. H-Had she really just thought that? She had! Mister J wasn't even that funny! His jokes were played out! Hurting people wasn't a substitute for a punchline! That was how she knew Sean wasn't bullshitting. He'd really done it. She was free…
She laughed. Free and clear, it resonated through her whole body. Her mind and soul became more clear with the noise. It was as if she was shaking off years of crapped-up gunk and junk. She'd never felt so good!
"Yeeeeeesssssssss~" Harley hissed aloud, declaring her satisfaction and newfound freedom to the world.
"I didn't think this was bothering you so much," Sean observed.
Harley laughed and cackled and giggled all at once in mad euphoria, "Hahahehehehohoho~! Bothering me? It was killing me! You don't know how much you've set me free, Gothboy!"
"Harley…? Baby?" Ivy asked hesitantly from behind them. "You're okay?"
Harley skipped up, ignoring Sean for a moment. She rushed over to her girlfriend. Still laughing happily, she picked the nature goddess up and twirled her around in her arms. For a very petite woman, Harley was much stronger than she seemed.
"I'm better than okay, Red~!" Harley singsonged. "I'm fantastic~! Fabulous~! Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious~! I won't have to worry about leaving you when Mister Bastard escapes Arkham~! See?! I can even curse his name~!"
Ivy gasped, "Ah! Was that something you were worried about?!"
Harley grinned, "Not anymore~! All thanks to Gothboy here~!"
"What did you do, Mr. Barkeep?" Harley heard Freeze ask in the background.
"What I said I would. I KILLED her infatuation with the Joker and any influence he still held over her."
Harley didn't pay Freeze or Gothboy's answer much mind. She had her girlfriend in her arms and a mind free of Joker. Holding Ivy by that green ass she loved so much, Harley leaned forward and kissed her like a soldier returning from war.
Ivy's surprise quickly melted into the kiss. Harley was insatiable. There weren't much better aphrodisiacs than being freed from what was essentially just mind control. She nipped and nibbled and just about devoured Ivy's lips. Harley left her girlfriend a panting mess of blooming flowers and sex pollen.
Spoiler: Ivy and Harley
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Pulling back, Harley couldn't have stopped grinning even if she wanted to, "How do you like them apples, Red~?"
Dazed and confused, Ivy just blinked, her lips still working against an invisible opponent, "A-Apples…?"
She was so stunned and stupefied by Harley's kiss that an apple sprouted from the vines in her hair to plop comically onto the floor.
Harley threw her head back and laughed at the top of her lungs. Nothing could kill her high. She looked over her shoulder at Sean, "Don't think I've forgotten about you, Gothboy~! Get your pelvis ready because Harley CuckQuinn is going to pound it into dust~!"
"I don't think cucks are the ones who are supposed to be doing the fucking," Sean deadpanned.
"Think again, you glorious goth fucker~!"
Harley set Ivy down on shaky feet. She turned to Sean, settling into a stance Catwoman taught her. She was primed to pounce. In more ways than one. Selina said it was the same stance she used to lure Batman for their first time together.
A hand on her shoulder stopped her briefly, Ivy saying, "G-Give him one for me too, baby. If he can make you this happy, he deserves that much."
Harley smirked back at her, "You say that like you aren't next~"
Ivy startled slightly, "W-With Sean or with you?"
"Yes~"
Leaving Ivy sputtering was her favorite thing to do. It just boosted Harley's mood even more. She settled back into her stance. Like a big cat, she prowled toward Sean. He just stood there, watching her. Amusement showed in his expression.
"Perhaps we should leave before things get… graphic," Freeze said to Nora.
"Is this what the mating rituals of supervillains look like?" Nora wondered. "It's fascinating. Victor, will you try it with me?"
"… I will begin practicing the pouncing stance. Selina taught it to everyone."
"Oh, how interesting~!"
"Come along, dear," Didi soothed Ivy, helping her on still-shaky legs. "This is special to Harley. And I do believe if we stay, we'll be just watching for a while. How does a dawn cap sound to keep us occupied in the meantime? Knowing Sean, even Harley won't be enough to wear him out."
Ivy giggled, "With how Harley's acting right now, I highly doubt that."
Didi's eyes just twinkled, "You'll see."
"Are you truly fine with this? Aren't you and Sean… something?" Ivy asked.
Didi laughed, "Oh, yes. To both questions. Sean and I are certainly something. But jealousy and monogamy aren't really my forte. So long as everyone's happy, so am I. After all, we'll all be together in Death eventually."
Harley stalked toward Sean. If she had a tail, it would have been held erect behind her, swaying side to side. Her predatory expression was back on her face. And she was determined to make Sean realize how much he'd just done for her.
"So Harley… just you and me, huh?" Sean smirked.
"Just me and you, Gothboy~" Harley matched it. "You know what you've done, right?"
Sean played at ignorance, "Maybe you can enlighten me."
Harley purred, circling him, "Oh, I will~ I'll 'enlighten' you until you can't feel anything from your calves to your nipples~! You're gonna know damn well how thankful I am for giving me and Red a real chance at things without Mister Jam-Titty in the picture~!"
Sean's mind bluescreened, "Jam-Titty…?"
Harley took that opportunity to finally pounce. It was super effective! In an instant, she'd taken Sean to the ground again. Her grin never wavered. Her excitement only surged higher.
She ignored where they were - still in the bar with just the floor to cushion their imminent 'activities'. She ignored Freeze hurriedly ushering Nora out the door. She ignored Ivy and Didi settling in with drinks to watch.
Right now, there was only one thing on Harley's mind. Gothboy had done what she thought was impossible. He'd cured her, freed her from that loathsome bastard. That was the kind of thing that deserved all the thanks in Harley's mind. So she was jumping the gun, stealing a march. She couldn't hold herself back anymore.
They hit the ground hard. Neither flinched. Sean's clothes were shredded to bits faster than he could blink. A body of lean muscle was revealed beneath Harley. Something thick poked up against Harley's ass. Something very thick…
She paused to look behind her. Yeah, that was Gothboy's dick. She turned back around only to reverse immediately after, doing a doubletake. Holy shit! That was Gothboy's dick?!
That thing was a weapon! A blackjack! A bat! A Goddamn bludgeon! It looked like it could be used to brain a midget or club a seal!
Gothboy's dick blew Mister J out of the water. As much as Harley hated the Joker, she had to admit he had nothing to be ashamed of in that area. He was a bit above average, a healthy six inches he really didn't deserve. But compared to Gothboy, it might as well have been a pinky finger.
"Hoooooooo~lleee shiiiiitt… !" Harley exclaimed breathlessly, drawing out each syllable.
"Why, thank you," Sean said, playing humble and failing miserably. "I'm rather proud of my friend downstairs."
"You should be! Little Gothboy isn't looking so little after all!"
Seriously! The thing was practically as thick as Harley's wrist! Her legs came undone from around Sean's waist. Before she realized what she was doing, Harley found herself sinking between Gothboy's legs.
She stared at the looming member in awe, "You're gonna split a little girl like me in two with this thing. Heckers, Gothboy, you're gonna split Red and B-girl in two with it! And they ain't small at all…"
Sean chuckled smugly, "Surely, you're exaggerating."
Ivy piped up from the background, "She's really not. You could give most of my vines a run for their money. It's quite frightening, actually."
"There, there~" Didi soothed beside her. "We'll be with you every step along the way. Three against one will at least allow us to hold our own."
"Yeah, I'm gonna have to tag out if I wanna thank him properly," Harley said almost absently.
"I-Isn't this a bit much for my first time with a man?" Ivy asked.
Harley didn't hear what the answer to that was. She let herself be entranced by Gothboy's monster. Leaning forward, she let it fall against her face, trying to get a good measure of it. In her awe, she did so in the lewdest way possible.
A wrist-thick shaft pressed against her cheek. Her chin nestled snugly into the base of Sean's cock. Even then, the tip went past her eyes to stand menacingly over her forehead. Harley went crosseyed, still trying to stare at the absolute beast shadowing her face.
Sean groaned. His cock throbbed, getting even harder. Harley didn't even think that was possible! She couldn't help but gasp. She felt the blood inside it pulse, hot on the skin of her cheek.
"Even Wonder Woman couldn't wield this weapon. You could slay a god with this, Gothboy," Harley muttered, her lips brushing up against the shaft as she spoke.
"Been there, done that," Sean grunted distractedly.
"Huh?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, Marika was wild like that. I mean, I didn't literally kill her with my dick but I sure showed her how to shatter an Elden Ring…"
"What, so you haven't cockslapped some divine bitches to death with this thing?" Harley joked.
Sean paused, "Uh… No comment?"
Harley's mind stuttered, "Right… You know, you ain't making this big boy seem any less intimidating here, Gothboy."
"You're not a goddess, right? You'll be fine," Sean said dismissively.
"D-Does his dick have literal god-slaying properties?!" Ivy sputtered from the 'audience'.
Didi just smirked, "No comment~"
She fell silent for a moment, "… Harley, baby? I think we've bitten off more than we can chew."
"Fat chance!" Harley recovered her enthusiasm and confidence at that. "Those gods? They were bitch-made! Me and you, Red? We're bad to the motherfuckin' bone! We'll show him how girls from Gotham do things!"
She didn't wait for a reply, from Ivy or Sean himself. Harley's fingers wrapped around the stupidly thick shaft. The weight was heavy and intimidating in her palms but Harley wouldn't be deterred again. Her mind was made up. She was going to show this mean old thing who the boss was here!
The kisses she pressed into the hard cock before her eyes were almost angry. Hard and fast, she kissed her way up and down its length. She glared at the stupid thing like it owed her money all the while.
Stupid fat fucking fuck-machine… Stupid hot hardness… Stupid tempting taste on her lips… Don't get cocky, you stupid cock! Harley CuckQuinn ain't that easy!
The reminder of the nickname she'd given herself brought Harley's mind to lewd, welcome places. She moaned into that magnificent meat, her mind wandering to what this monster would do to her girlfriend.
This thing… It would wreck Red! Ruin her for any other guys! She was a virgin when it came to guys and this beast would take her 'first'! Red wouldn't stand a chance! It would conquer her mind and body! It might even steal Red away from her!
'And I'll be stolen right along with her,' Harley thought in realization.
Oh, gods… To see Red stretched around this THICK FUCKING COCK, writhing in beautiful ecstasy? Harley felt herself drool. And not just from the lips she had pressed against Gothboy's cuck-conquering cock.
It. Would. Be. Frickin'. Glorious! This monster of steely flesh giving her girlfriend what Harley couldn't…? Making Harley's gorgeous green goddess cum undone over and over again as it pounded her, BRED HER?! Fuck!
Harley's insides were made of jelly, her womb was pulsing with white-hot, passionate fire, and her pussy was practically squirting already!
The forced 'anger' bled out of her kisses, replaced by worshipful passion. Her tongue came out to join her lips, running up Gothboy's length. She lavished and lapped at every inch of his skin, imagining that she was already preparing him for Red.
This thing was going to give her Red so much pleasure. So much ecstasy. Honestly, Harley was more excited about that prospect than getting a taste for herself. Yup, a change of plans was needed.
"Red!" Harley gasped, having to forcefully remove herself from Gothboy's cock to speak. "Get your pretty green ass over here!"
Ivy jumped at the demand, "W-What?! N-Now? Oh, uh, I… uh… Am I ready…?"
"I can help with that," Sean offered.
"Go on, Red," Harley encouraged. "I'm getting him all ready, set, and steady for you~! I wanna see you come apart on top of this bitch-breaking stud cock~!"
Ivy gaped at her for a moment. She was certainly a sight worth gaping at. Already, Harley's lips were swollen from cock kisses and her eyes were wild. Combined with the huge statuesque member next to her petite pretty face, it was a scene straight out of those hentai comics Harley liked so much!
But, by Mother Nature it got Ivy going! She downed her drink in a single gulp, drawing slightly on the liquid courage. Even without it, she would have joined them. Maybe Harley wasn't the only one with a bit of cuckquean in her…
As she got up to walk over to them, Sean pulsed that strange aphrodisiac aura of his. If Ivy wasn't primed before, she certainly was after that. It washed over her and Ivy could have sworn she felt her womb drop into an impossible ready position. A NEED to BREED filled her body and mind. Ivy shuddered with a breathy exhale. She could already feel herself leaking down her thighs.
Spoiler: Sweet Ivy
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"That cheat code of yours is entirely unfair," Ivy commented, trying to be nonchalant and casual about this whole situation.
Sean just smirked up at her. From his place on the floor, he reached up and grabbed Ivy around the back of her knees. Ivy squeaked as they were made to give out and she found herself kneeling about Sean's face.
"You love it," Sean said, his words muffled by a very intimate part of Ivy's sinfully aroused body.
"O-Oh my… !" Ivy gasped.
His breath teased at her skin. His hands were surprisingly strong, holding Ivy in place by the curve of her waist and hips. Flowering petals dripped nectar onto Sean's lips. Ivy wiggled in place slightly. Each movement sent shocking brushes of contact from her groin to her core.
Her inner thighs rested on either side of his face. Ivy had been in this position before. She was no stranger to a bit of face-sitting. But with Sean, a man? It was unique, fresh, and novel in a way that made her brain tingle pleasantly.
There was no stubble on his cheeks but Ivy could somehow feel how masculine his jawline was. So different from Harley's… She couldn't ignore that she was currently riding a man's lips. Or - peeking down at Sean's crotch and Harley - that her girlfriend was currently worshipping that same man's monstrous member.
A man's sexual organ was a new sight for Ivy. But not an unwelcome one. Ivy had no idea they could be this massive but she knew from the way Harley reacted that Sean was very much an exception from the norm.
It was crude. Imposing. Intimidating, even. But at the same time, it was undeniably attractive. Not in the same way Ivy was attracted to Harley's sex but just as stimulating. Harley was beautiful and delicate - a work of art. Sean's member was a force of nature - something primal to be enjoyed in awe and blissfully helpless submission.
Seeing it next to her girlfriend certainly didn't hurt how tantalizingly attractive Ivy found Sean's cock either. It painted a mentally stimulating picture. Combined with Sean's aphrodisiacal aura, Ivy could feel herself drooling. From both pairs of lips…
Then Sean's mouth made full contact with her dripping quim. Ivy gasped and moaned and all but melted. It was shockingly pleasurable, somehow gentle and demanding at once.
Just the whisper of his lips and tongue on her petals was making Ivy realize the true bliss that came with the opposite sex. She'd never been more thankful for being bisexual.
Oh, Goddess, he was so skillful with that tongue of his. Not a single inch of her was left untouched - untongued. His kisses made her pussy flutter. His gentle nibbles made her heart race. His strong hands on her waist, holding her in place, stole breathless moans and mewling whimpers from her lungs.
Sean feasted, drinking deeply of Ivy's nectar. His tongue dove between her flowering lower lips. Sweetness poured from her core, coating his tastebuds.
Harley was never shy about how good Ivy tasted. It had to be something about her unique biology. She was honeysuckle and sweet fruit juice, distilled and made into a sexual nectar to show her arousal.
Sean certainly seemed to agree. The sounds he was making were so… so lewd! Ivy felt her skin turning crimson at his audible wet slurps. G-Goddess… Was that her…? It sounded more like Sean was drinking from a fountain! H-How shameful… !
While Ivy lost her mind to a lewd soundtrack of pure pleasure, Harley did her best to watch and worship at the same time. Still kneeling between Sean's legs, her eyes were locked on her girlfriend's face. Just as her lips were locked on Gothboy's stupid womb-dropping, slut-pounding, rockhard monster-cock!
Harley felt like she was trying to wrap her lips around a damn waterpipe! It pulsed against her tongue. Her petite hands and lithe fingers cradled his balls. Even they were heavy enough to take more than a bit of effort to hold! How the Hell did he walk around with this thing?!
Harley knew she was swooning. She didn't care. Gods, it was beautiful. Perfect. Harley was pretty sure she'd found her new mallet. She could certainly see herself smacking Mister Jam-Titty upside the head with this weapon.
She giggled giddily at that thought. Really, when you thought about it, Gothboy's cock was just the final step in KILLING her infatuation. No other man could match up to Gothboy after this.
Ivy would be feeling the same thing soon enough. Harley was sure of that much. But first, she wanted to prepare this beast for her naive goddess of a girlfriend. She wanted to worship the weapon that would slay Gotham's 'Man-Eater'.
Herley's lips stretched wide around the tip. Her tongue ticked the cockslit for a moment. Then she tried to force herself down its length. Surprising herself, Harley succeeded. She swallowed a third of Gothboy's cock before she had to come up for air.
Resting her mouth at the very tip, Harley gasped for breath. She swore she could feel common sense and reason leaving her with each heave of her chest. She wanted to go again! So she did. This time, she made it halfway down.
'That's right~!' Harley cheered in her mind. 'Who's that bitch?! Harley's that bitch~! Suck it, Gothboy! I'm gonna suck you dry~!'
Smug eyes turned upward. Harley paused as she saw her girlfriend practically dancing atop Gothboy's lips and tongue.
'Oh… Oh, fuck… That's so fucking hot~!'
Harley almost instantly decided she couldn't wait any longer. She practically hopped off Gothboy's monster-cock, her lips coming unglued from around the tip. Giving it a squeeze with both hands, she got her partner's attention.
"Ivy~! Ivy~! Get your pretty pussy down here~!"
Ivy was too dazed to put together a coherent reply, "W-Wha…?"
Thankfully, Sean was quicker on the uptake. With barely any effort, he lifted Ivy clear off of his face. She squealed in surprise as he manhandled her into the position Harley wanted. Mounting Sean reverse cowgirl, that mind-breaking cock pulsed from Ivy's pussy to her navel.
Harley grinned up at her girlfriend from the other side of the monster, "Ready, Red-… -y?"
Ivy sputtered, trying and failing to find her words, "I-I-… Is that-… It'll break-… Oh, my Goddess!"
Sean lifted Ivy by his grip on her hips again. Moving in almost unnatural synch, Harley aimed his cock for her quim. Ivy's nectar immediately soaked the tip, running down the shaft like a waterfall. Sean slowly lowered her.
"Oh, yeah~" Harley moaned. "Split her open~ Stretch that cunny good, Gothboy~! Oh, fuck, you look so good on his cock, Red~! Fuck~! Fuck~! I think I'm cumming just from watching~! Squirt by proxy~! Fucking sympathy cummies~!"
While Harley's moans took center stage, Ivy was by no means quiet, whining and whimpering sensually, "So big~ So so so so so big! Oh, Goddess, you're going to break me!"
"Easy now," Sean soothed and reassured. "You can take it. Look at you, doing so good and putting on a show for your girlfriend~ You're a natural, Ivy."
Down and down, Ivy went. A shockingly huge member pierced all the way to her core. Her inner walls stretched, taking the shape of Sean's cock. Ivy didn't even know how this was possible! She felt like she was on the verge of breaking, falling apart in a blissful mess of sex-ravished ivy.
Harley had the best seat in the house. Her face was practically pressed against the place Ivy and Gothboy were joined. Her mouth hung open in awe. She shook and shuddered, mimicking every little twitch of Ivy's body.
It was without a doubt the hottest thing Harley had ever seen! Beautiful, delicate petals were pushed apart by thick meaty steel. Denying any sense of logic, those pretty lips took it all. Every inch, every vein, bit after bit of masculine SEX disappeared into Harley's girlfriend.
Harley was cumming hands-free just from the sight of Ivy being so thoroughly ravished. Her girlfriend would never be the same again. Hell, Harley would never be the same again! And the thought pooled in a pleasurable puddle between Harley's knees.
Finally, after what felt like hours for all involved, Ivy came to rest atop Sean's hips. She just sat there and shivered. So much~ So big, so thick, so deep~! Her mind was playing a futile game of catch-up. Halfway to being broken already, the overwhelming sensations left Ivy a drooling, spasming mess.
Even with a (not-so)metaphorical rod up her spine, Ivy swayed in her sitting position. Before she could potentially collapse, Harley wrapped her in a supporting hug.
The sudden contrast of sensations was too much. Harley was too soft against her skin. Sean was too hard within her deepest depths. Feminine on the outside, masculine inside, Ivy had no choice but to fall to pieces with a husky moan.
The wild look in Harley's eyes hadn't faded a bit as she watched her girlfriend cum on cock for the first time. Her grin was eager, her mind and body were ready, and she was more than willing to indulge in their current depravity. Holy fucking cuntballs, Batman~! Harley could barely breathe through how horny she was!
She almost wished they'd done this sooner. But a large part of her knew it wouldn't have been nearly the same without Gothboy and his monster Gothboy D. He'd already done so much for them and now he was fulfilling Harley's new biggest fantasy to a tee!
"I think I love you, Gothboy," Harley declared excitedly.
"Oh, G-Goddess, I can't even t-think~! I can't~! I can't~! O-O-Oh, I can't~…" Ivy moaned.
Harley took the chance to silence her girlfriend and slip plenty of tongue into her mouth. Ivy's moan was muffled and only intensified for it. Her eyes fluttered back in her head. Harley threaded her fingers through Ivy's hair and tried her best to match what Sean was doing to the lower half of Ivy's body.
Sean chuckled, "We've barely started. Wait until I really get moving."
Ivy couldn't hear or process his words. The world could have ended around her and she wouldn't have noticed or cared. It would have made sense even, with the way her mind was coming apart at the seams. Still, Harley surely heard him. She freed one of her hands to flash him an eager thumbs-up.
Even though he didn't need it, Sean took the permission and ran with it. He'd been content with the gripping tightness of Ivy's pussy. Stretching her out to take him for the first time was certainly pleasurable enough in its own right. But it was only the beginning. So with a shift of his hips beneath Ivy, Sean moved.
He lifted Ivy by her hips. Instinctively, she rolled them in his grip. Below, his hips cocked at the ready and thrust slowly upward in time with her rolling descent.
For a few torturous moments, Ivy was left empty. Sean pulled out and it felt like he took her brain with him. She whined into Harley's kiss, only to be filled all over again.
Nectar poured from a perfectly-stretched emerald cunny. It coated Sean's shaft and made a sticky, sweet mess on his crotch. So much that it could have sustained a man dying of thirst, Ivy's arousal cleared a way forward for Sean's thrusts. As easy as can be, he slid back into her depths.
Back and forth, Sean sawed away within Ivy. Each thrust pushed and pulled at his nerves, filling his whole body with pleasure. She practically sucked him in with each thrust. She hugged every inch and took him so well. Impossibly wet and hot and tight, a sleeve of molten silk swallowed Sean's cock.
Their position gave him easy access to all of Ivy's most sensitive spots. The curve of his erection maintained constant contact with her G-spot, grinding it into oblivion. Her clit was the same. Her flower was stretched wide enough for it to rub against the underside of his shaft every time he pushed deep inside her.
The tip of his cock kissed a sensitive spot deep inside Ivy. Not her cervix but hidden just behind and below it in the very depths of her canal. That touch in particular - that gentle grinding kiss - sent Ivy spiraling to heights unknown.
As Ivy melted in blissful submission - into the kiss and atop the cock - Harley jilled herself to rapturous completion again and again. Her fingers worked herself furiously. She couldn't stop even if she wanted to. This was heaven! Kissing her girlfriend silly as she squirted herself stupid on Gothboy's monster-cock!
They were SO doing this again! Maybe next time, Ivy would be interested in a bit of role reversal too. Even if she wasn't, Harley was more than happy with this.
She'd given the nickname to herself as a joke but Harley was really living up to 'Harley CuckQuinn'. Hell, the nickname made this whole thing even better! Punning while cumming?! Sign her the Hell up! Who knew cucking yourself with monster-cock would be so hot~?!
Harley shivered at the thought, 'Fuck~! Cumming again~!'
Meanwhile, Ivy hadn't stopped cumming for a moment. Over and over in a continuous cycle, Ivy peaked. The constant, pounding stream of highs made her mindless and impossibly weak. Her mind was practically in orbit at this point. Even the dips between peaks were high enough to leave her gasping for air
Sean's thrusts, Harley's lips, Ivy found herself drowning in sensation. It overtook her completely. Soft and hard. Eager and steady. Her mind was fraying. She was a mess of ecstasy being pushed higher and higher, farther and farther from reason or sense.
It felt like Sean could have gone on forever. His cock was only growing harder. His body wouldn't tire or rest for a single moment. Like an unceasing engine of pleasure, Sean pistoned himself into Ivy's thoroughly wrecked cunny.
Ivy's glorious green ass clapped against his crotch with each thrust. Her rosy-capped tits bounced, rubbing against Harley's smaller ones with each thrust. Her taut tummy flexed, a small bulge appearing there every time Sean buried himself deep inside her.
Just when she didn't think she could take anymore, it all came to a climactic finish. Sean grunted, his thrusts coming harder and faster. With a rumbling groan, he hilted himself deep within Ivy, practically seated against the entrance to her babyroom.
It was like an explosion. It WAS an explosion. A burst of searing heat flooded Ivy's core. Then another and another in an unending torrent of life-giving seed.
Ivy peaked and then peaked again, squirting enough around Sean's cock to almost match what he was shooting inside her. She went stiff atop Sean's throbbing and cumming rod. The only hint of life in her mind was the way her body REACTED and reacted hard.
Harley joined them an instant later. She moaned loudly into the kiss, her body vibrating in orgasmic bliss to match her girlfriend. Pressed tight against Ivy's body, Harley could have sworn she felt Gothboy cumming inside her too.
Sean held Ivy down tight and fast, gluing them together at the hip. His cock throbbed and jumped with each spurt. He bucked beneath her as if he was trying to get even deeper. An intimately familiar white flash covered his vision as he spilled a river inside of Ivy.
By the time Sean's climax was finished, allowing Ivy to stop climbing to impossible heights of pleasure finally, she was sore. Her whole body was tense. Sean's cumshots turned to a gentle, pleasant trickle, and Ivy was allowed to relax. Almost immediately, she collapsed forward and just let Harley support her.
Caught off-guard by suddenly taking all of Ivy's weight, Harley fell backward with a startled, squealing giggle. Sean's cock slid out from Ivy's depths. It still stood as tall and imposing as ever.
Harley was more than content to enjoy her girlfriend's insensate, boneless cuddles, "Red, Red~! Look~! You're cream-filled now~!"
Ivy was just finding her words again, mewling and mumbling, "Uuuuuuuhhn~ I certainly feel stuffed to the leaking point…"
Sean was left high and-… well, not dry. Nothing about his cock could be considered dry right now. But as a familiar hand wrapped itself around his now-free cock and a familiar pair of lips suddenly nibbled at his neck, Sean was happy to leave the two girlfriends to their pillow talk.
"Hehehe~!" Harley giggled. "I'm dating a donut! Was it as good for you as it was for me, Red~?"
"Harley… Baby…" Ivy deadpanned. "I can't feel my tits and my toes might as well be in another area code."
"I'll take that as a yes~" Harley singsonged. "We should totally go again~!"
"Oh, Goddess, no! You're going to kill me!" Ivy said in a panic.
Harley pouted, "Oh, pooh. It looks like we can't anyway. Didi is taking her turn now."
Ivy sighed in relief, "And thank everything holy for that. Seriously, baby, I can't move. Another round would have left me paralyzed from the waist down."
"Well, I'd just take care of you then, Red! Nurse Harley has a nice ring to it, doesn't it~?" Harley teased.
"Harley, please stop. I think I physically can't get horny again so soon," Ivy groaned.
Away from the pillow-talking girlfriends, Sean leaned back into Didi. Her bare breasts pressed into his back, having undressed at some point while he was preoccupied. Nimble fingers played over his drenched cock. Equally nimble lips nipped at his neck.
"Are you proud of yourself, Dear~" Didi rasped sultrily.
"Very," A smirk quirked Sean's lips.
"But you're not yet satisfied," Didi stated instead of asking.
Sean couldn't help but chuckle, "Not even close. They were good but I'm much more experienced than both of them combined. They never stood a chance."
Didi sighed dramatically, "I fear I'll be in the same boat."
Sean raised an eyebrow, "Really? I would have thought you were at least as experienced as me due to your long unique existence."
He could hear her roll her eyes, "No one wishes to have sex when they're dying, Sean. Or at least, no one worthwhile. I can think of a few but quite frankly, sex was the last thing on my mind with them."
"I've gone out in the throes of passion once," Sean commented absently. "You're right. It's overrated. Not nearly as fun as it sounds. It's very similar to what I imagine overdosing on stimulants to be like."
"What a lovely mental picture, Dear," Didi deadpanned.
Sean snorted, "Right, even if you're Death, that's not the best sexy talk."
"It's not," Didi confirmed.
"Well, how about I make it up to you," Sean offered.
"What do you-…? AHH~ Sean!" Didi didn't even get the chance to finish her question.
Sean spun and lifted her upright into his arms. Looking up at her, he took in the perfection that was Lady Death. Dark makeup, black hair, and so much pale skin lit a fire in his soul. A fire that refused to be quenched by anything or anyone but his Didi.
Spoiler: Lovely Little Death
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"You're beautiful, Didi," He said, setting her down on the bar they usually worked behind together.
Didi smiled, "Thank you, Sean. That isn't something I hear very often."
"And isn't that such a shame?"
"I suppose."
"Well, Harley and Ivy have thanked me… Now, I think it's my turn."
"What do you mean?" Didi cocked her head cutely.
Sean elaborated, "How much have you done for me, Didi? In this life? Through my many deaths, even if those weren't you personally? I don't think it could be put into words."
Didi blushed slightly, the color very noticeable on her pale cheeks, "It was no trouble, really."
"Tell me, Didi, how do you see our relationship?"
"Well…" She hesitated. "I've always wanted to be close to someone. To have someone to be there for me. I'm there for everyone as they pass and I don't hate that. But sometimes, I long for the same. I suppose that's why I picked you. You're familiar enough with my concept to understand me."
"So you see me as someone to lean on? A pillar of strength and companionship?" Sean clarified.
"That sounds about right," Didi nodded.
"A lover? A big brother? Both, since we're not related by blood?"
Didi's blush intensified and she stammered, "T-That's entirely improper, Sean… Even with your reincarnations, I'm much older than you. H-How could you be my… b-big brother…?"
"Easy," Sean smirked, leaning close enough to kiss her. Close enough that his breath tickled her lips. "I've been in this situation before. I'm probably much more qualified for the job than any of your actual siblings.
"You get to keep playing the responsible younger sister keeping her wild big brother in check. And I'll be there for you to lean on. Really, it's not all that different from what we've been doing. Now, you'll just have the option to call me Onii-Chan~"
A strained whimper tried to escape the back of Didi's throat. Her blush went nuclear. Still, she forced herself to speak, "And… if I want more than a sibling relationship…?"
"Well then, it's a good thing we aren't related by blood~" Sean purred.
He turned her so she was parallel to the length of the bar and slowly pushed her backward, giving her plenty of time to resist. Didi didn't. He mounted the bar between her legs once she was lying supine. Her legs instinctively found their way around his waist.
Didi's blush reached from her cheeks all the way down her neck. She stared up at Sean as he kneeled over her from within the locking embrace of her legs. Still hard, his cock fell atop her loins, reaching up along her abdomen.
She gulped. She hadn't realized how big it was until it was right lying on top of her. Even in her hands, he didn't feel so intensely masculine and strong. Or maybe she just hadn't noticed that she hadn't been able to encircle the impressive girth completely…
A jeer from Harley reminded Didi that they had an audience, "Boooo~! Don't fuck on the bar~! People drink there~!"
Sean just rolled his eyes, "If you're so concerned, you can clean it when we're done, Harley."
"Ehhhhh…"
"With your tongue, you depraved little cuckquean."
"Oh yeah~! Now you're talking~!"
Shaking his head, Sean returned his full focus to Didi. The rest of the world seemed to fall away. Even the majority of her being - elsewhere doing what she always did - felt disconnected. Unimportant compared to what was happening here and now.
"H-How… How do we… do this…?" Didi stuttered.
"However you like, Didi."
"Then… Make love to me?"
"Are you asking me or is this your request~?" Sean teased.
"Make love to me," Didi said, finding her courage.
It was illogical but a part of Didi feared that Sean would reject her. She knew he wouldn't. He was, at the very least, fond of her. She could feel it through their connection. But even for the Endless, the heart was not so logical a thing.
Didi was so used to people leaving her. It was what they did. It was her self-imposed purpose for existence. It was the way of things for as long as she could remember. She was there for them in their most vulnerable moment. But that moment could never last forever. Eventually, they passed on. And Didi was left on her own again.
Sean sensed her hesitation and its source. He was the very definition of well-traveled. Wise even if he didn't act like it. As he said, he'd been in this situation before. Not exactly the same, but he could recognize abandonment issues when he saw them.
He had no plans for leaving Didi. Ever, potentially. He didn't even plan on dying again. 69 was such a nice number…
He'd be here for her for as long as she'd have him and then a little bit longer. Now, he just had to get that commitment across to Didi. He'd fuck it into her thick skull if he had to.
For such an ancient, well-grounded entity, Didi wasn't used to worrying about herself. For her entire existence, she'd been the one people leaned on. Sean was here to show her that wasn't the case with him. That an Endless series of fleeting connections wasn't all she had to look forward to.
He smiled down at her, putting everything into the expression. Kindness. Stability. His gratitude for everything she'd done, for everything Death had done for him. That connection they shared between something incomprehensibly Endless and something more comprehensible but no less potentially Endless.
"Didi," He started fondly. "What do you think would have happened to me if you left me keep drifting?"
Didi blinked at the seeming non sequitur, "… I don't know."
"I don't either. But I have a feeling I would have kept drifting forever. Between one life and the next with nothing to anchor me. What I do know is that you changed that. You anchored me, Didi. And I don't think I'll-… No… I WON'T ever let go of that anchor."
Didi stared up at him in shock as his declaration settled into her mind. The beautiful blush that colored her pale skin crept even farther down her chest. It reached for her ears.
Sean continued, "I feel I've been showing you that since we met but you haven't quite internalized my intentions. So I suppose I'll just have to state it plainly and make it clear to you…"
He paused for effect. At the same time, his hips drew back, dragging his cock down her tummy, over her clit, to pose before her entrance. He leaned down over her. One of his hands took hold of both of hers, drawing them above her head and intertwining their fingers there.
"I'm yours, Didi."
So close, his words were like a knife, stabbing thrills of startled, disbelieving happiness into Didi's mind. He pushed forward, punctuating this declaration in a way that couldn't be ignored. Her hands in his, her body laid bare before him, her pussy yielding to his slow, steady thrust, Didi was reduced to nothing but bliss and acceptance.
She came undone. She couldn't bring herself to deny Sean's words. Conviction and commitment radiated through their bond. He said it and so it was so. He was hers…
'And I'm his,' Didi realized within her mind.
Everything hit her all at once. Physical sensation, emotional reassurance, and the way Sean's soul stood strong for her to lean against Endlessly. Her body surrendered to him. A constant, gentle pressure stretched her upon his cock.
Just as he'd come into her existence, Sean invaded her most sacred place. Just like then, Didi accepted him, holding him there, cradling him. His hand in hers offered the support she so desperately needed. For once, Death of the Endless was just along for the blissful ride.
Sean thrust. In and out, he filled her with firm conviction. Pleasure overtook Didi's being. The rest of her existence faded into the background, nothing but white noise behind the moment. Her back arched.
Didi moaned, trying to put everything she was feeling into the few simple words she could manage right now, "Oooohh~ Sean~ Yeeess~!"
It should have made no sense. Sean understood. Didi knew he did. Laying atop her, his hips drove him deep. Her legs flexed around his waist, pulling him in even farther. For a moment, they stayed like that. Connected to an Endless extreme.
Sean pulled back. Didi tried to whine. All that came out was a pitiable whimper. She shook her head, her eyes closed as she tried to convey her complaints. Before she could find the right words, he was back.
Into her depths, Sean's cock carved a path. Didi let herself be molded around him. She hugged every inch of him. Her inner folds clung to his hardness. Unyielding, his cock flattened them into pleasurable submission.
So full. So stretched. Almost artfully sore and deliciously tender. So much contact. He was touching every bit of her. Inside her all the way down to her soul.
Didi had never felt so… felt. Seen. Sean knew her. Taught everything by their connection. Both physical and something more.
Sean rolled his hips. Didi found herself matching him. Over and over again, they CONNECTED. Truly. Deeply. Completely. They came together and Didi came apart.
Intense, rolling waves of pleasure wracked her body. She gave herself over to them. He pushed, rolled, and thrust deep inside her. He was unstoppable. Steady. Steel for Didi to lean herself upon and give herself over to.
Sean's forehead touched hers. Didi knew she would be staring into his soul if she opened her eyes. She did. She saw everything. It was overwhelming, even for the Endless. Lives Didi would never experience. A unique rarity. An impossibility. All culminating in this moment. In HER.
Didi surged upward to kiss him. She could do nothing else. Her lips met his. Despite initiating the kiss, she quickly submitted to Sean's lifetimes of sexual experience. Her world sparked and crackled, white flashes exploding on the edge of her vision.
It was like he was taking her by the hand, leading her on a road he'd walked many times before. A road that led higher and higher into heavenly ecstasy. He was there each time she came, coaxing her through it and not letting her fall. All Didi could do was follow Sean farther up. Past everything she thought was possible.
She came and came, building and building to a peak she couldn't yet see. Sean groaned into their kiss and the peak came into sight. A shuddering breath escaped Didi. A hot moan against Sean's lips.
His pace never changed. Still steady and firm, not quite slow but not too fast either. Perfectly pushing Didi ever upward. But Didi could feel him getting close.
His cock swelled inside her. She could feel every throb, every pulse of his blood through the sizable organ. Just a little bit thicker. Just a little bit harder. It was enough to send Didi tumbling in a sexual freefall.
Unable to control herself, Didi came. Heat swelled from her core, expanding like the light of an oncoming train in the night. She felt herself coil tighter, tighter, tighter! Just when she thought pain would join her immeasurable pleasure, Sean sheathed himself inside her and came as well.
An outside source quelled the heat from her core. Not in a way that quenched or cooled it but as if Sean's climax finally allowed the pressure of Didi's to release. Glass shattered. The bubble popped. The dam burst. Didi was swept away by a sudden wave of… EVERYTHING.
Rope after rope, pulse after shooting pulse, Sean filled Didi's deepest depths even more than she thought possible. A flood filled her core. Didi all but screamed a moan against Sean's lips.
She clung to him tightly. She never wanted to let go. With short, grinding rolls of his hips, Sean coaxed her through their combined climaxes. By the time she could finally think again, Didi was spent for the first time in her existence.
"O-Ohhh~" Didi moaned, still clinging tightly onto Sean. "I've never felt anything like that before…"
Sean chuckled, stroking her hair, "I'd be worried if you had. I don't exactly stick to 'mortal' marital arts."
Didi just hummed in response and enjoyed their embrace. In the background with their audience, Ivy stared in dumbfounded shock, "Did… Is that what he did to me?!"
Harley giggled, "Yeah, Red. Hot as fuck, isn't it?"
Ivy could only nod speechlessly.
"Hey, Red, think you can stand yet?" Harley asked her stunned girlfriend.
"Not well, but I think I could manage," Ivy absently replied. "Why?"
Harley grinned, hopping to her feet eagerly and taking Ivy with her, "'Cause it's clean-up time~!"
Ivy squeaked, "Ah~! Harley, no!"
"Harley, yes~!"
Chapter 11
The Joker knew something was wrong. Something was broken in his already cracked mind. Something… funny.
Normally, his thoughts would have been incomprehensible to anyone else. Cloaked in chaos and insane humor that not even Harley could understand. Now, they almost made sense. A twisted sort of sense, to be sure, but sense nonetheless.
He didn't even feel the need to hurt anyone! Not for the mere sake of dishing out pain, at least. For the bit? Sure. But not for sadism's sake on its own. Nor indulgence's sake. Thankfully, causing the general mayhem he found oh-so amusing fell under 'doing it for the bit'. At least he still had that.
But compared to his usual methods… It was unthinkable! Confusing. Vexing. Unique… Intriguing. A new kind of chaos for him to explore.
And the Joker was nothing if not chaotic. He didn't know what was responsible for his new outlook on life. Did it matter? He was more than used to great swings in personality. This one was different from the norm, sure, but not so much that the Joker couldn't eventually adapt.
There was an underlying sense of madness to this all. Not the sane insanity he was used to. No, this was Madness. With a capital 'M'. The kind of force that drove the Mad Hatter. Or the Scarecrow. A hyperfixation, something to drive yourself Mad over.
Even if he wasn't Mad originally, the Joker had still been plenty mad, with a lowercase 'm'. And illogically, this Madness took his madness and drove him all the way around to something that he could approximately describe as lucidity.
Still, sanity for the Joker was far from normal sanity. He hadn't lost what made him, him. Just a bit of his insane edge, driven out by Madness. What it left behind fell back on his sense of humor, turning camp instead of cruel.
At the same time, a fourth wall crumbled just a little bit more in his mind. And he realized something had changed. Some new variable had been introduced to the formulaic reality he was oh-so used to. Was that… crack…? The Joker found his new Mad hyperfixation.
And so the wave of Madness that washed over Arkham Tower left the Joker changed. He wasn't alone. All of the Tower's residents were driven a bit Mad, in this specific sense of the word.
Killer Croc settled slightly more into his skin, his Madness bringing out his lingering humanity. Solomon Grundy found Madness stimulating his poor, rotting brains. Black Mask found his Madness in the crime he lived and breathed, becoming his mask even more than he already was.
Just about the only Arkham resident worse off for the wave of Madness was Victor Zsasz. He was an exception. He wasn't mad to begin with. Capital or lowercase, not even a little bit. He was just that cruel, that sadistic, that utterly deplorable of a human being.
So when the Madness hit him, there was nothing there for it to work with. No hints of Madness in his situation or personality. Just sanity. Sanity that was naturally twisted into a new Madness, tainted by Zsasz's inherent, inhuman cruelty.
The wave of Madness didn't just affect people. It washed over Arkham Tower itself. Sourced from a Sigil created by its founder, even this twice-removed version of Arkham was uniquely vulnerable. The building of concrete, steel, and glass went Mad, releasing those it was charged to hold.
Mad patients - inmates in all but name - returned to the streets of Gotham. The city was saved from the direct wave of Madness but not from those it affected. Unexpectedly, the consequences weren't quite as severe as one would expect. That was the nature of Madness like this. It was truly unpredictable.
Killer Croc didn't suddenly start eating people in the streets. Instead, he found a nice pond in a park and curled up for a nap. Solomon Grundy didn't begin an undead rampage. Instead, he found a library and started looking into his original death, scaring the wits out of a poor librarian in the process even if he was surprisingly polite about it.
On the other end of the Mad spectrum, Victor Zsasz immediately went looking for another reason to carve into his skin. Black Mask emerged from Arkham to find a city that was surprisingly empty of its criminal element. Or so he thought.
In reality, everyone just happened to be busy with a certain Dead End. Still, the perceived absence gave him a headstart to begin gathering criminal power once again now that he was free. Starting with a whole new troupe of mind-controlled Masks to act as his elites.
After his escape, the Joker fell somewhere into the middle of this spectrum of Madness. At first, he found somewhere to hole up and acclimate to his new Mad/sane/humorous/Cracked reality. Once he was satisfied and settled into his new unique form of Madness, Joker set out to find his annoying main henchwoman.
Harley Quinn was his greatest masterpiece. When the world wished to cure him and put a stop to his act of comedy and tragedy, they assigned him to a psychiatrist. A good one. New, fresh-footed, naive, even - but talented. The Joker was sure to show them what a mistake that was.
There was nothing about him to cure. He was an embodiment of chaos. A force of nature! Not some nutjob! He was more aware than the rest of the world combined! Even before this new fourth-wall-breaking Madness!
So he worked his special brand of magic on the best treatment the world had to offer. Treatment for treatment, the tables weren't just turned, they were flipped inside out!
Harleen became Harley. The Joker broke her down, piece by piece. And he built her back up. Better. She was his best work, painted in brushstrokes that spat on those who tried to cure what couldn't and shouldn't be cured. Like any tortured, misunderstood artist, he loved and hated what he'd created.
But no matter his mixed feelings about his art, Harley was undeniably useful. Especially when he'd just gotten out of Arkham for the umpteenth time. If he wanted to find out more about his new Mad hyperfixation - this change… of medium…? -, Harley was as good a place to start as any.
She was his (she wasn't) . She would come running when he called (she wouldn't). She owed him for making her what she was today (she didn't).
Only… the Joker quickly realized that he couldn't find her anywhere. Not in any of their usual hideouts. Not at Poison Ivy's conservatory. Not even at her favorite mallet shop! He ended up having to return to his gang alone. Like some kind of joke!
It wasn't funny! Joker wasn't laughing. Well… maybe a little bit. But it was a Mad laugh of disbelief more than anything genuine. Especially when he heard from some of his J-boys where she'd been lately. Where everyone had been lately. Another piece of his hyperfixation fell into place.
A Dead End…? A neutral bar? That had banned him by name?! Ohohohoho~! There was a joke being played here. And Joker wouldn't let himself be the butt of it! Not even his new Mad sense of humor would allow that. Not without his input at least!
IIIII
"Another round for everybody, Gothboy~!" Harley declared. "And another story~! The party doesn't end until I say it does~!"
Her declaration was met with a round of cheers from the very diverse patrons of the Dead End, "Yeeeaaaahh~!"
"This is so much better than a frat party!"
"Eeeee~! I can't believe I got a picture with the Poison Ivy!"
"Damn, I haven't partied like this since I dropped out of high school!"
"Oh, yeah?! I haven't partied like this since Tahiti in '08! Take that, Billy!"
"Shut up, Ashton, you highborn bastard. It ain't a competition."
"That's Sir Highborn Bastard to you!"
"Damn… so many drunk rich kids. I almost wish I was still running scams."
"Not in the Dead End, Seamus. You know better than that!"
"Oi! I said 'almost'!"
"Oh Emm Geee~! I'm, like, your biggest fan, Miss Harley~!"
"What are we celebrating again?"
"I think the Olympics are coming to Gotham or something…?"
"Oh, God! Don't even joke about something like that!"
I smiled fondly, sharing the expression with Ivy and Didi. Even after Ivy's grand opening and everything else that happened, Harley was still riding high.
Her energy was infectious, taking over the entire bar and everyone in it. And even if they didn't know why they were celebrating, they could enjoy the free drinks and lively atmosphere Harley brought with her.
The impossible space of the Dead End was packed. But it managed never to feel overcrowded. Thanks to conceptual Death fuckery, space wasn't at a premium. We could house the entire city if we had to. An idea that was being put to the test tonight.
Also impossibly, Didi and I managed to serve everyone with laidback ease. More conceptual fuckery. We were never rushed or busy. Time and causality stretched and twisted nonchalantly within the Dead End. As if breaking every law of sense and reason was the natural order of things.
Most of the bar's patrons were split off here or there around the impossible space. The bar itself had been made into a pseudo-VIP area. It wasn't enforced at all but it was where the original regulars and the villains gathered.
The concentrated force of personality that came along with Gotham's capes kept most away. A few were brave enough to venture near. But most were content to watch from the sidelines. The self-imposed segregation made things easier for me, keeping the proverbial 'main cast' close at hand.
So even with the 'city-wide' celebration - in the sense that people from all across the city were celebrating with Harley in the Dead End -, everything else was practically business as usual. The boys and girls I'd grown accustomed to were sitting at the bar.
Two-Face, Riddler, Penguin, Catwoman, Scarecrow, and Bane were all here. Outside of the big names, Nocturna, Kite-Man, and Firefly were here as well. Ivy and Harley were present, of course. Freeze and Nora were manning the shop behind the Dead End. Even Vicki Vale joined us at the bar, alongside a few henchmen and mooks here and there to round out the regulars.
The only ones who were missing were the heroes. I hadn't seen them all night. Not even Cass or Damian coming by for their customary headpats. Any longer, and I'd start to get concerned.
Thankfully, Barbara - in her Batgirl costume - stumbled up to the bar a few moments later. Despite how unsure she was on her feet, she didn't seem drunk. Just ungodly tired. As shown by the way she pulled up a seat next to Catwoman and all but collapsed with her head against the wood of the bar.
"Alright, Babs?" I asked and greeted her at the same time.
Even though I used her real name, no one reacted. The Dead End's protection of secret identities was certainly useful. Saying Barbara's last name might have gotten a few surprised blinks but just her first didn't raise any eyebrows. Even if it did, it wouldn't matter outside of the bar.
"Uuuuuggghhh…" Batgirl groaned. "I hate mass breakouts."
That statement got some attention from the others at the bar, "Mass breakout?"
Without raising her head from the bartop, Batgirl replied to Riddler, "Yeah, something happened at Arkham Tower early this morning. We stopped it from getting too bad but it still caused a breakout."
I nodded in understanding, "And that means you and the others have been running around all day trying to do damage control and recapture everyone."
"Yeah… It's a pain in the ass. I'm exhausted," Batgirl sighed.
Catwoman purred comfortingly beside her, rubbing her back, "Aww~ It's okay, little bat. How about you take a break for a little while? C'mon, have a drink with Auntie Selina and ignore your responsibilities~"
Batgirl relaxed at the familiar touch, "Well… I am supposed to be off-duty at the moment. I can have a few drinks. Nothing alcoholic though. I only have a few hours until my next shift starts."
"How about something cold and sweet? A virgin pina colada sound good?" I suggested.
"Oh, God, yes! You're an angel!" Batgirl exclaimed. "I could kiss you, Sean!"
"Not in front of the Rogues, dear," I said faux-condescendingly, patting her head as I said it.
Batgirl turned her head slightly to show me her glaring eyes but didn't resist, "… You're lucky I don't feel like moving right now."
Chuckling, I left her to prepare the drink. As I did that, Two-Face asked, "So who all's out?"
Batgirl scowled at the reminder but still answered, "Croc and Grundy, for starters. Black Mask as well. Zsasz has been an absolute menace already and we haven't been able to pin him down, just keep him from murdering at large. Bastard… I think Maxie Zeus is out there somewhere but we haven't seen anything from him so far. Then, of course, Joker…"
The Joker's name brought a wave of tension with it. Almost everyone at the bar glanced toward Harley. Only to be surprised when they saw how she was reacting to the news of the Joker's escape.
Harley's joyful grin didn't waver or shift an inch. Instead of being overtaken by anxiety or obsession, she laughed freely, "I'm sure you'll catch him soon enough, Girl-Bat. That asshole never likes to lay low for long."
"You're not… worried about him?" Penguin asked, trying to be diplomatic.
Harley's grin grew as wide as a Chesire Cat's and she replied simply, "Nah."
Ivy elaborated for her, "Harley's… 'J-problem' has been solved. She'll never have to worry about… that man ever again."
People blinked in surprise, Two-Face exclaiming, "Since when?!"
"This morning," Harley answered matter-of-factly. "That's why we're celebrating, ain't it?"
Bane was the first to accept Harley's words, nodding, "Good for you, chica. I never liked you with that devil."
His words were met with murmurs of agreement and a quick hug from Harley, "Thanks, Banie~!"
The five-foot-two jester hugging the six-foot-eight giant made for an entertaining sight. If Bane blushed, it was impossible to tell beneath his mask. Awkwardly, he patted her on the back and looked away.
"How…?" Batgirl asked, still trying to process Harley's claim.
"Oh, it was easy," Harley waved dismissively. "Gothboy did his thing. KILLED my infatuation and Joker's influence over me. Simple as, really."
"How else?" Ivy added with amusement.
"Guilty," I said unrepentantly, holding my hands up when Batgirl glanced at me for confirmation. Her eyes then darted to Didi before she gulped slightly and looked away.
It seemed someone had informed the Bat Family who Didi was. I wasn't bothered by that. It wasn't like we were trying to hide anything. Sure, we didn't come out and say 'Hey, Lady Death's over here!' but we also didn't lie or obscure the truth. If they looked properly, they could have figured it out on their own. Hell, I was a bit surprised Jason Todd didn't recognize Didi considering he'd met her before.
"I-I see," Batgirl gamely hid a stutter. "I suppose I should expect nothing less from Sean at this point. Still, it's good to see you better, Harley."
"You know it, Girl-Bat~!" Harley singsonged with a grin. "I'm that bitch Harley Quinn~! Why should I care about some loser with a shitty sense of humor?"
Jaws dropped at that. It was one thing to hear Harley say she was done with the Joker. It was another thing entirely for her to insult his sense of humor.
Then Penguin started to chuckle. It quickly turned into a full-blown cackle, "Hehehahahahaha~! You're going to kill him with that one, Harley! I didn't think I'd ever heard someone insult the Joker's sense of humor!"
"Serves the bastard right," Ivy grumbled.
"Aww~" Harley cooed. "Love you too, Red~!"
I placed Batgirl's drink in front of her. Almost immediately, she took a good long drag. She came up for air with a relieved sigh, "Ahhhhh… I needed that. Damn, that's good…"
"And it's on us, Girl-Bat~!" Harley cut in. "In fact, another round~! Another, another, another~! Don't let the drinks stop flowing, Gothboy~! Not tonight~!"
Ivy sighed, "Just take it out of Ivy's Ivy's profits for tonight…"
"And, c'mon, Gothboy, where's our story?! Story~! Story~! Story~! Story~!" Harley started up a chant.
She was joined by the henchmen at the bar. The villains were next, more subdued but no less eager or amused. As always, Vicki was waiting for my next story on the edge of her seat. Even Batgirl joined in with a mischievous grin on her face.
A few people held up their drinks for refills. They found them filled again before they could blink, the workload split and done impossibly. After that, they had no real choice but to join the chant as well.
"Alright, alright," I caved. "Gather round, everyone. I guess it's storytime again."
"Yay~!"
"Heh… Storytime for villains."
"Hold on, hold on! Let me get my notes!"
"Riddle me this… What the fuck does Mr. Barkeep have in store for us this time?!"
I hummed, thinking for a moment, "Hmm, well, considering how worn out our resident hero is at the moment, how about a story of personal heroics to bolster her spirit?"
"You, Sean? A hero?" Batgirl deadpanned. "I can't see it."
I waved dismissively, "Eh, different life, different concept of what it meant to be a hero. For one, I was never one to shy away from killing people who were beyond help."
"You can't just kill people, Sean," Batgirl protested.
"I disagree. I can and I did."
"Well, you shouldn't! Especially not if you call yourself a hero! What gives you the right to take a life?!"
I glanced pointedly at Didi and didn't say anything.
Batgirl paused, "… Okay, that's a fair point. But I still can't condone that course of action. Heroes help, not kill."
I tutted, "You'll probably change your tune when you hear about the antagonists of today's story. Let me tell you the tale… of the Slaughterhouse Nine. And their final ill-fated game of Cat and Mouse Protector…"
"Slaughterhouse… Nine…?" Riddler asked.
"They're just as bad as the name makes them sound," I confirmed the rest of his unspoken question with a nod.
"Surely, it's just a name… right?" Batgirl sounded a bit unsure of herself now.
I shook my head sadly, "Let me set the stage for you and introduce some of the characters for tonight's story.
"Now, this story is set in a world I've told you all about before. The same world that was plagued by Entities and Endbringers. The same place I met my ex-wife Simmy. You all remember her, don't you?"
There were slight murmurs of agreement but most of my audience didn't speak. They settled into silent anticipation, readily listening to my every word. Still, more than a few paled when I mentioned the Entities again.
I continued, "The Slaughterhouse Nine was a group of nine of the worst supervillains that the world had to offer. They roamed the country, doing exactly what you would expect from a gang with that name. They were literal murder hobos. I can't stress that enough. They killed for fun, for power, for convenience, for quite literally any little reason.
"They were a scourge on the American continent. They boasted 20-plus years of active 'service' - by which I mean indiscriminate mass murder on a scale that's still hard for me to comprehend - and innumerable members. By the time I met them, their death toll must have been in the tens to hundreds of thousands. Maybe even a million, all told.
"The entire group had a Kill Order on it. Even newly joined recruits. If you were a part of the Nine, you were considered a lost cause. See, the Nine had a rotating cast of characters, often recruited through torture and death. Sometimes former members were even replaced by their victims…
"But some stayed consistent throughout their run of terror. Jack Slash. The worst of the worst. He'd give the Joker a run for his money when it came to sadism, cruelty, and dealing out ironic deaths. He thought himself funny too. He was the leader of the Nine, having killed the original founder more than 20 years before I came across them."
A certain tension had settled over the bar. More than a few in my audience were drinking to hide their disgust and horror. Batgirl looked like she was going to throw up. Catwoman was comforting her with a tightly held hand. Even Harley was uncharacteristically sober.
My voice was heavy with solemn gravitas as I introduced the rest of the Nine, "Mannequin. A brilliant inventor who was driven mad by Simmy when she was still in her bad-girl era."
My attempt at lightening the mood received awkward chuckles. Earth Bet wasn't a happy or light place. The stories from my time there certainly didn't fuck around.
I winced slightly but pressed on, "After being driven mad, he mutilated himself, cocooning all his vital organs in a mannequin-like shell and discarding his flesh. He went on to torture and kill other inventors and tinkers that reminded him of what he once was.
"Siberian. She was what was known as a 'Perfect'. An unstoppable force and an immovable object at the same time. No defense could block her. And no attack seemed to harm her. As it turned out, the Siberian wasn't what she seemed. She was a projection from another cape. That didn't make her crimes any less real…
"Crawler. The epitome of a monster. He was once a somewhat normal man if a touch masochistic. Then he was cursed with adaptive regeneration. His body regenerated from any damage, even down to near-complete annihilation. And it adapted to best resist the attacks that hurt him. When I met him, he was a beast of countless eyes, scales, claws, and teeth.
"Hatchet Face. Just a really ugly guy. If not for his cruelty and powers, he may have lived a normal life. But he chose to take up a hatchet and become something straight out of a slasher movie. He was durable and strong but nothing really special. No, what set him apart from the rest was his ability to nullify powers in an aura around him. Any. Powers. Then he squashed the rest of his problems with a big fucking ax to the face.
"Shatterbird. A beautiful and deadly songbird with wide-scale silicate control. She sang songs of glass, delicate and razor-sharp. Whole cities fell under hails of glass shards. Don't let her pretty description fool you. She was just as much of a monster as the rest, taking pleasure in recruiting those the Nine broke.
"Burnscar. A pyromaniac in the most literal sense of the word. She was a mistress of flames, growing more and more unhinged the more fire that was nearby. All she cared about was watching the world burn. To the point that her very mental state depended on it.
"Finally, Bonesaw. The Chirurgeon. Bonesaw… Riley was a special case amongst the Nine. She was just a girl. The Nine took her and manipulated her, tearing her world apart until she broke. Then Jack Slash rebuilt her in his image. She wasn't a monster by choice. But by the time I met her, she'd been what she was for half of her life. For six of her twelve years, she was made to worship the man who killed her family and broke her… She wanted nothing more than to be his 'good girl'."
"Oh, God… I'm going to be sick!" One of the mooks exclaimed at my last description in particular.
A quick snap of Didi's fingers brought out trashcans to puke in. More than a few took her up on the offer. The rest just stared at me in shock. Horror, disgust, loathing, none were sufficient enough to describe the abomination of the Nine or what Jack Slash did to poor Riley.
"Uh… that's only eight," Riddler observed in the horrified silence.
I shook my head with a dark chuckle, "When I met the Nine, they were right in the middle of recruitment. And that brings us to our story's heroic focal point. Besides the ever-humble moi~ of course."
After hearing about a group like the Slaughterhouse Nine, the attempt at humor was a very much-needed relief. Though the chuckles were strained, they were still audible. And Harley gave me a good-natured booing. Some of the tension bled out of my enraptured audience.
"S-So we get to hear about the heroes of this world now?" Batgirl asked with a shaky exhale.
"Sure," I grinned. "Let me introduce you to Mouse Protector. A Hero. She was a symbol. No matter how dark it got, she was there with a joke. She bore everything with a sense of humor that few could match. Think of her like Spiderman-… Oh, wait, he's not from this universe. Okay, think of her like… the Flash.
"She was as quick with a pun or quip as she was with her sword. She protected people. She fought and foiled villains. She didn't kill if she didn't have to. Even in the grimdark world she called home."
"A proper hero then," Penguin said.
I chuckled, "Yep, more so than I ever was. Batman would still hate her though. Famously, she stood for 'Cheese and Justice! In that order!'."
"Hell yeah~!" Harley cheered. "Now, that's my kind of girl!"
"You two would have gotten along so well it's concerning," I told her.
"And what about you, Mr. Barkeep?" Catwoman asked. "You said you were a hero then as well. What were you like?"
"I called myself Toymaker. I was an inventor, a Tinker. To the rest of the world, I simply made toys."
"Toys?" Someone scoffed. "How's that a superpower?"
"Because my toys actually did what kids imagined they could do," I deadpanned. "Any of you have kids?"
A few mooks raised their hands and I smirked, "Ask them about Beyblades. Or Yu-gi-oh cards. Or the Omnitrix. Hell, I could go on and on. You know, Lantern Rings could be considered toys in some worlds."
The smarter ones in my audience began to pale as I elaborated, "Oh, holy shit…"
"Dude, my kid has a toy version of Wonder Woman's lasso…"
"I used to play Magic: the Gathering. Do those cards count too?"
"Wait, hold up! Could you make my boy's He-man action figure real?!"
"Are they even toys at that point?" Riddler inquired curiously.
"Sure, they just had to be recognizable and marketable. I couldn't make, say, a gun but a blaster from Star Wars? That was distinct and well-known enough to qualify," I explained. "And don't even get me started on the things I could do with Lego."
"Okay, bullshit powers aside," Batgirl rolled her eyes. "Shouldn't we get back to the story? What happened to Mouse Protector?"
Nodding, I resumed my story, "Right, of course. Mouse Protector was a great hero. But she had one key flaw. She loved drama. And it came back to bite her. An arch-nemesis of hers had the bright idea of hiring the Nine to kill her."
All the villains reacted as if that idea deeply offended them. Two-Face tsked, "Now, that just ain't how things are done."
"Yeah, you gotta respect your nemesis! They're half of what makes you a villain!" Harley added. "It's villain one-oh-one!"
"At the very least, you can't hire a hitman on them. If you wanna kill 'em, do it yourself," Bane grunted.
Riddler nodded, "There's a code to these things. The game is much more fun if everyone follows it."
"Well, that's what Ravager did," I said. "She was a nasty piece of work like that. She set the Nine onto Mouse Protector. And with a group of murder hobos like them, there was only one way it was going to turn out."
Tension returned to the audience at the reminder of who the Nine were and what they represented. I pressed on regardless, "The Nine hunted Mouse Protector for days on end. They gave her no break or quarter. They didn't let her sleep, or eat, or hide. All she could do was run. They took sick pleasure in torturing her in an 'ironic' game of cat and mouse.
"When I caught wind of what was happening, I figured I should do something. Now, I was barely considered a hero. More of a rogue than anything else. No one expected me to take on the Slaughterhouse Nine. But I did. I played with them like they'd played with so many others before."
Catwoman smirked, "Played with them? Like a toy?"
I nodded seriously, "Like a toy."
"Wooo~!" Harley clapped. "We love a happy ending~! Especially one with puns!"
"How'd you do it?" Batgirl asked in morbid curiosity.
"One word," I answered, pausing for dramatic effect. "Mecha."
She blinked, "Mecha…?"
"Mecha!" Riddler exclaimed in excitement. "What kind of Mecha?! An EVA?"
"I don't think an EVA would be ideal against opponents that aren't Angel-sized. A Gundam, perhaps?" Penguin proposed, only slightly less excited.
The other looked at them in complete askance. Two-Face put it into words, "What the HELL are you two talking about?!"
"Mecha?" Riddler said, cocking his head. "Mobile Suit Gundam? Turn A Gundam? Evangelion? Macross? Macross Plus?"
"Think Transformers but Japan and anime did it first. And better," Penguin explained.
"What the Hell…" Two-Face muttered. "Since when are you two into anime?! I mean Riddler, maybe, but you too, Penguin?"
They didn't dignify that with a response.
"So why does this Mecha stuff have you two so excited?" Harley asked, much more politely than Two-Face.
Penguin and Riddler looked at each other for a moment before nodding and answering in synch, "Because we're men of culture."
"Too true," I laughed. "And by the way, I went with the most OG of classics."
"You don't mean…?" Riddler mumbled in awe.
A certain Mecha model floated off the shelf of trophies behind me. Due to its size, it hadn't been noticed before. It was toy-sized in this configuration, only a replica of the famous Mecha I'd based mine off of. The RX-78-2 Gundam Mobile Suit in all its recognizable, blocky, samurai goodness.
"So it was a Gundam," Penguin observed, visibly trying to keep his cool.
I grinned. "Well, Turn A seemed like it would be a bit overkill. After all, they were meant to be for interstellar warfare. And I certainly didn't need to kill entire planets just yet. I saved that for the Entities themselves."
"Ah… We were wondering how you solved that existential problem," Batgirl sighed. "Good to know. Terrifying. But good to know."
"Now, Mr. Caine, when you say - and I quote - 'kill entire planets'… what do you mean by that?" Vicki interjected.
I raised an impassive eyebrow, "Just what I said, Vicki. The Turn A Gundam was the culmination of an entire human civilization. It's a 'universal ending' to a line of technology that specializes and focuses on massive humanoid robots of war."
"Do you have an example of this 'Turn A' to show us as well?"
I shrugged, "Sure, why not?"
Another Gundam model floated forward from my trophy shelf. It was a little bit taller than the first model and a whole lot sleeker. Two bits of armor extended from the helmet's upper lip in the most glorious mustache Mecha had ever seen.
"Oh, it's adorable," Catwoman cooed and chuckled. "Look at that little mustache."
"This little thing?" Harley cocked her head. "It doesn't seem like all that."
I smirked, "Imagine both of them about 20 meters tall and 60/30 metric tons respectively. And armed with 60mm cannons, beam weaponry, lightsabers, and a big-ass flail for smashing shit to bits."
"Oh… Yeah, I can see how that'd be a bit intimidating."
"So this is how you took out those evil murder hobos?" Ivy asked.
"The RX-78-2 was my main weapon for that, at least. I also had an army of action figures with functional weapons for support. I shocked everyone stupid when I came out swinging with all of that at once. They all thought I could only build toys for kids. Then I show up in a 60-foot-tall Mecha with an army of action figures behind me and utterly annihilate the entirety of the Slaughterhouse Nine. Well, almost the entirety. I did something special for Bonesaw… For little Riley…"
"Oh, God…" Batgirl gaped in horror. "What'd you do, Sean?!"
I rolled my eyes, "I didn't kill her, Babs. Have some faith in me. No, I even used another invention of mine to completely revert and reject the damage that had been done to her mind. Shun Shun Rikka is absolute OP and I still love that hairclips count as toys. Hell, I even adopted her and helped her work through her trauma."
"Awwww~!" Harley cooed excitedly. "Daddy Gothboy sounds adorable~!"
"Sorry, Sean," Batgirl looked down in shame. "It's just… after everything you've told us about this world, I thought…"
"Unfortunately, that's fair," I nodded with a wince. "Earth Bet is still one of the most grimdark worlds I've ever visited."
"Okay! Let me recap - just to see if I've got this all correct," Vicki said, setting her pen down with a thud. "You're from another world."
"Many other worlds," I corrected. "But you might have already known that."
Vicki nodded, "I did. Again, this is just a recap for my own purposes… Not that anyone's going to believe me…"
The scowl that accompanied her last sentence quickly reversed into stubborn determination, "Regardless! This particular world - refer to Section: Entities, Sub-section: What, Header: the Fuck - was plagued by a roving gang of murder hobos. They were proficient enough to put a sizable dent in the American population. Would you say that's accurate, Mr. Caine?"
"Yep, that sounds about right so far," I agreed.
"In this world, you were a hero named Toymaker. You made toys. But you could also extend that 'power' to cover licensed toys and items from fiction - so long as they were recognizable enough to be potentially made into toys. The public didn't know your full capabilities.
"So when another hero was targetted by the murder hobos, you intervened. In a giant robot. And killed them all… almost all of them. In accordance with the lawfully given Kill Order on the group."
I nodded and she continued, "One of the group - a young girl who was being coerced in ways that can't and shouldn't be understated -, you spared, healed, and adopted as your daughter.
"You have also mentioned using a planet-killing weapon to solve this world's Entity problem at a later date, not explicitly included in your story. As well as the fact that you could have potentially created Lantern Rings. Does all of this sound accurate? And can I take it as your official statement?"
"For all the good it will do you, yeah," I said, chuckling.
Vicki scowled again, "I'll make the people believe me somehow!"
"You won't. But I'll always welcome the free press."
"Uh, others might not believe your reporting but I could certainly use it," Batgirl interjected. "I'm already dreading having to write a report on this 'Slaughterhouse Nine'. Your notes would be very helpful, Miss Vale. I'll be sure to credit you and your work will likely end up in the Justice League's files."
"Teacher~! Teacher~!" Harley teased in a singsong voice. "Girl-Bat is trying to copy Vicki's homework~!"
"Now, now, Miss Quinn," I said soberly, playing my part in her bit. "No one likes a snitch. Please stay after class."
"Oh, no~!" Harley gasped over-dramatically. "Goth Teacher Boy is giving me detention! Red, you have to save me~!"
"You know the rules, Harley," Ivy shook her head faux-somberly. "Snitches get stitch-… er, probably spankings in this case."
"Noooooooouuuuuuuu~!" Harley performed a theatrical 'faint' that could have rivaled the hammiest of actors.
Batgirl face-palmed, "I hate all three of you…"
Harley bounced back instantly, "Pishaw, Girl-Bat~! Don't even pretend you don't love us and how interesting we make your life~!"
Before Batgirl could reply - likely with a snippy shot back at Harley - the bar went silent. The sudden lack of noise was jarring. Jarring enough to make the whole group at the bar look around in confusion, trying to figure out what was going on.
The reason soon revealed itself. Clad in green and purple, it walked up to the bar. A group of Clownz trailed nervously behind it. The bar's many patrons parted like the Red Sea. You could have cut the tension with a knife.
The Joker stepped up to the bar. A space cleared for him as even the villains instinctively shied away. Batgirl's hand was already on her utility belt, ready to act if the Joker made any unwanted moves. Harley was pointedly not looking at him but I could see the way her eye twitched in a complete 180 of her mood. Ivy held her hand for support.
A manic grin stretched across his face, "My, my, isn't this a nice place? Seems like ~fun~ So much… crack… to be had here. It's such a shame I wasn't invited to the party…"
"You shouldn't have been able to get in here," I observed calmly. "The bar's protections should have prevented your entry specifically. It's quite interesting that you've found a way around them."
"Bah!" Joker exclaimed. "What's a little thing like self-identity before Madness?! Fickle, fickle thing that… I've noticed it's prone to changing completely at the drop of a hat."
"I think that problem is unique to you alone," I deadpanned. "Does this mean you don't claim to be the Joker anymore?"
His ever-present grin grew wider and wilder, "Oh, I'm the Joker, alright. Just maybe not the Joker you're thinking of. Or maybe I am?"
"Jack Napier? Jack Oswald White? Arthur Fleck?" I shot out potential Joker identities without blinking.
"Ohohohehehe~!" Joker cackled. "Coming out swinging, I see~! Is that all you've got, Mr. Barkeep~?"
He leaned forward across the bar as if to whisper to me, "I'll let you in on a little secret… None of the above~"
"Oh, God," I groaned. "You aren't Jared Leto, are you? Please tell me you're not Jared Leto."
Joker just grinned, "I'll never tell~ You know, you're almost as much fun as the Bat~! But it takes two to play~ So tell me, Mr. Barkeep… Who are you? A self-insert, perhaps?"
I blinked, familiar with the term but not expecting it at all, "I… don't think so…? I suppose I do show all the signs of it though. But not in any more sense than that I am myself."
"Hmm, just an Outsider then?" Joker hummed through his teeth. "How'd you get to our oh-so-humble neck of the woods?"
His fourth-wall knowledge was starting to wig me out slightly. Not that I was concerned about him revealing my 'secrets'. I was open enough about myself in the safety of my domain. But talking to someone who just KNEW more than he should was unnerving. Especially when that someone was the Joker.
I shrugged, "The normal way. Death and all that. I just drifted on by and was lucky enough to be given a chance to set down roots. I think I'll be staying for a while. This world is more than nice enough for me to retire here."
"Oh~? And what if I did something to disrupt your retirement~?" Joker's grin took on a menacing hue.
"I'd sic Batman on you," I answered easily.
Joker paused and cocked his head, "… That's it? Really? I was expecting something more from an Outside Influence. Especially one that's changed up the medium so much."
I shook my head, "I'm not a main character. At least, not in the core narrative. I'm content to be an interesting side piece. A spin-off, if you will. You're Batman's rival, not mine. And I'm not going to take that away from either of you."
A sudden burst of energy had Joker slamming his palms on the bar. Onlookers jumped, basically the whole bar at this point. They couldn't do anything but watch silently as the tension mounted, built from the Joker's reputation and the strange conversation we were having. No one dared interfere.
"That's not good enough!" Joker shouted. "Where are the stakes?! The drama?! The plot?!"
I smirked lightly, barely the quirk of my lips, "This isn't that kind of story, Joker."
"Is that so~?" Just as suddenly as the manic energy came, it went, leaving a subdued smirking menace behind. "Maybe it should be…"
"Joker," I said warningly. "Don't go starting-…"
He interrupted me, "I hear you like stories, Mr. Barkeep~ How about one more? For your retirement~? A bit of comedy~ A bit of tragedy~ Let's see if we can make your story a little more interesting~"
My voice was firm, replying to the not-quite-spoken threat with readied steel, "I think you've overstayed your welcome here."
An aura of Death radiated from my being as I prepared myself for a fight. Unseen, my domain - the entirety of the Dead End - responded to my intentions. If he made this difficult, he wouldn't be leaving here alive.
I knew he couldn't harm me. Or Didi, even if she was just about the farthest thing from a fighter. But we weren't the only ones to consider right now. There was a whole bar full of people watching, so close and so unprepared to be collateral damage.
With the Joker's propensity for cheating Death, I wouldn't feel content with anything but overkill. And I couldn't do that with the audience we had. Not for the fear of my secrets getting out, but for the innocents who would inevitably be harmed in the crossfire.
It was just simpler for me to deal with him when the opportunity was better. And I think he knew that. I hated that he'd caught me in a Catch-22.
He certainly acted casually and confidently as if he held all the cards, "This really is a nice place. You've got the whole city cooperating, playing nice with this neutrality business. Why, isn't it such a noble idea~? Not bad for an 'interesting spin-off'."
In an instant, the Joker's grin twisted into a dark sneer, "I hate it. I LOATHE this place and everything you want it to represent. I promise you this, Mr. Barkeep… I will see it brought to ruin. I will see this place destroyed. It and the dream you want it to stand for. And you'll thank me for it. Your final story will be all the sweeter with a bit of bitterness~"
The tension in the room reached a fever pitch at his words. His declaration. His threat and promise of tragedy. Neither of us moved. His grin was frozen in a rictus of Madness and Chaos. I stared him down unflinchingly.
People started to back away. Even the villains (and Batgirl) at the bar were moving away, trying to get out of any potential crossfire. But just as I was about confident in giving Joker my best shot without involving anyone else, he broke our staredown.
"C'mon, boys, we're done here. For now…" Joker announced to his goons. "We've got a Joke to prepare~!"
As he turned to leave, he had one more thing to say. A harsh, barked command, "Harley! Heel!"
"No," I cut him off instantly. "She's not going anywhere. She isn't yours anymore. She never should have been yours in the first place. But she certainly isn't anymore."
"So ya can shove all that Mister J shit up yer ass, ya unfunny, played-out, shit-fer-brains, fuckin' hack!" Harley finished for me, putting so much emotion into her shout that the bar practically shook with it.
I'll admit, it felt good to get a hit in on the Joker when my hands were tied like this. Especially with the way he nearly stumbled from Harley's shout. Hearing her talk to him like that must have been unthinkable. He turned back to look at her, just blinking in uncomprehending shock.
Then ever-so-slowly, he began to laugh, "Heh… Hehehe… OhohohoHAHAHAHA~! Oh, I'm going to enjoy breaking you all over again, my dear masterpiece~"
Harley began to shake and twitch, her brain visibly struggling to process how utterly infuriating the Joker's words were. The Joker turned to leave again, content with himself for having got the last word. I waited until he was at the door to ruin that idea for him.
"You'll die first. Lady Death has been trying to reach you about your extended life warranty for a long time now, Joker. I'm going to make sure she collects."
The Joker stepped out the door and froze mid-step, his dramatic exit ruined. I was sure that hit him harder than anything else about our conversation. Even harder than Harley breaking free of his thrall. But knowing he couldn't turn around without looking like the pettiest loser in Gotham, he resumed his step and just kept walking.
Even with the Joker gone, the silent tension still didn't leave the bar. At least, not until Didi broke it with a huff.
"By the Source, I hate that man. I do so hope he suffers eternally in whatever afterlife decides to take him."
Those closest turned to gape at her in surprise. That was just about the last thing anyone who knew her expected to hear from Didi. Despite looking so dark, Didi was a sweetheart and everybody knew it. And the way she said it with such genuine menace and (justified) hate sent chills up spines.
Two-Face whistled, "Damn, Miss Didi can be right scary when she wants to be."
"Knowing what I know about her…" Batgirl shivered. "You have no idea."
Chapter 12
"This is bullshit," Harley growled.
She'd been testy for a couple of days now. To the point that not even kinky cuckquean-y sex could cheer her up. I couldn't say I blamed her. Especially not with how things had turned out.
The Joker and his threatening promise loomed over our heads. I wasn't scared. None of us were. Not Ivy, Harley, Didi, Freeze, or Nora. Harley would rather kill herself than go back to giving Joker even a modicum of influence over her and Ivy was right there to support her. Nora didn't know any better but Freeze was never one to put much stock in villain politics even when he was active.
Still, the Joker's reputation was well-earned. When he made a promise or a threat or both, people listened. And almost the entirety of Gotham was rightfully scared of the Joker. Leading us to our current problem. The Dead End was dead.
There was just no way anyone from Gotham was going to risk being caught in the Joker's crosshairs. Not even the other villains. Very few people returned to the bar the night after Joker's appearance. The next night there were even fewer. By tonight, only one person outside our little gang of 'employees' showed up.
The bad 'press' had even spread to Ivy's Ivy. The girls (and Freeze) had been forced to close early tonight. The Joker's reputation was just that fearsome. The normal folk who visited my bar heeded it for obvious reasons. But even my regulars - confident in my ability to enforce the bar's neutrality - weren't willing to risk getting caught in the crossfire. Not when it came to the Joker.
I couldn't say they were wrong. Just as certain heroes were favored by existence, so too were villains. And perhaps none more than the Joker himself. The Joker was an embodiment of chaos. Not a Chaos Lord - the eternal enemies of the Lords of Order - but a representation. An ideal that this universe held up to showcase true, unpredictable, uncaring evil.
Despite his relatively low power level, he wasn't a foe that could be easily matched. Not in the traditional way, at least. Then you add in his uncanny ability to cheat Death. And his horrifically unique mind, perspective, and willpower.
What you got was one of the few people who could claim to have killed the majority of the Justice League in one form or another throughout the multiverse. Some might consider him the most dangerous man on Earth. Not for his power, but for the sheer chaos he embodied. In the wider scale of this multiverse, he'd caused more problems for heroes than perhaps anyone else.
So I could certainly understand why the people of Gotham - Joker's home turf - wouldn't want to risk crossing him at all. That didn't make it any less vexing. He'd successfully scored the first blow against me, striking not at my person or Didi or anyone else. No, he struck where he could actually do damage.
My business. My reputation. My guarantee of neutrality. By letting his promise loom over the Dead End as he did, he called my ideal into question.
All of my regulars had heard one of my impressive stories or another. They believed them. From my lips? In my domain? There wasn't any other outcome.
But no one had actually seen me in action yet. And they were all more than familiar with the Joker. This was Gotham. When the Joker showed up, you turned around and power-walked the other way as fast as you could.
It was a gamble between me and him in my customers' minds. Did they believe that I could keep my guarantee of neutrality? That they'd still be safe within my walls? Or did they go with the proven danger and chaos the Joker represented?
Again, this was Gotham. You didn't survive long here by taking gambles like that. Especially not against the Joker. Self-preservation won out with most of my customers. Then the rest allowed caution to sway them. It didn't hurt for them to let things lie for a day or two to see how this turned out.
I knew they'd be back eventually. Some of them, at least. The villains. The OG regulars. That wasn't good enough for me. My reputation had been brought under fire by the Joker.
He'd already gotten past my domain's defenses once (not that it would ever happen again unless I let it). He'd promised danger to my customers. In doing so, he shadowed doubt on my guarantee, on my honor, on my dream of a safe neutral ground.
It couldn't be allowed to stand. I agreed with Harley. This was BULLSHIT.
"I can't say I'm surprised by this outcome. It's the Joker," Vicki said.
She was the only one still willing to visit the Dead End. She really was willing to do anything for fame and fortune, it seemed. Not a terrible trait to have. Especially when it made her defy the most terrifying man in Gotham.
"She's right," Ivy sighed. "We should have expected this much."
With no customers and nothing to do, five of us - me, Didi, Vicki, Ivy, and Harley - crowded together at the bar. Freeze and Nora had been allowed to go home early in consideration with Ivy's shop being just as dead.
The brooding was heavy over our little group, mostly from me and Harley. Though, surprisingly, Didi contributed to it as well.
"That man is horrible. Deplorable," Didi frowned tightly. "Just unconscionably contemptible. He should have died a long time ago."
"Welcome to the club, Didi. We hate stupid, unfunny clowns and we have cookies," Harley grumbled.
"The Joker needs to die," I said, plain and simple. "I can't let him get away with challenging the Dead End like that. And luckily, I'm not going to let myself be restrained by a code of morals like our hometown heroes are."
Harley perked up at my words. Ivy spoke first, "What about your neutrality, Sean?"
"He fucked with the Swiss," I grinned savagely. "You never fuck with the Swiss without finding out that neutrality doesn't mean the same thing as pacifism."
"Dibs~!" Harley called out eagerly. She was practically vibrating and grinning so wide at my words that her lips looked like they were about to pop off her face.
I shook my head, "You can have the first shot. I'm going to make sure he stays dead this time. Well, me and Didi."
"Didi?" Vicki cocked her head. "Even with the recent darker showings of her personality and the specific animosity she holds toward the Joker, I can't really see her killing someone."
"She's not the one doing the killing," I smirked knowingly at her. "She's the one who makes sure he stays dead."
Vicki still didn't look convinced. Didi sighed, "Perhaps I should introduce myself more formally…"
She held out a hand to the rest of the girls, "You know me as Didi. I've gone by other names before. End. Ruin. Quietus. Miss Demise… Lady Death. I am Death of the Endless. And I very much hope this information does not change anything about our friendships…"
A sliver of Endless existence leaked out of Didi with her words. It washed over the bar, leaving not a single ounce of doubt alive. All three of the girls sat back in their bar chairs.
Vicki paled. Her hands shook, "That… uh, that would do it."
Harley adapted surprisingly quickly to Didi's reveal, grinning wide once again, "So you're really going to take care of that bastard for good, Didi~?"
Didi nodded, "He's evaded my embrace for much too long. That's why I'm so… unkind… when it comes to him. With Sean acting as my Hand, I will finally be able to right the wrong that is his existence."
"Oh, yeah~…" Harley shuddered with eager anticipation. "That's what I'm talkin' about~ Didi, I'm straight up going to marry you after this is over, girl."
Didi jumped slightly, reacting with a start, "M-Marry me?! You're… not mad? Afraid? Begging me to not take your eternal soul?"
"Didi," Ivy cut in. "I think we can safely say we know you pretty well now. Especially, after the nights we've shared with the same insufferably skilled man. This may change how we view you but it doesn't change how we feel about you."
"Yeah~!" Harley chimed. "We're sisters in mind-breaking sex~! A little thing like Death isn't going to break that bond~!"
"You guys are getting mind-breaking sex?" Vicki sounded utterly lost and a little comedically pathetic.
Spoiler: You guys are getting paid?
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"Awwww~!" Harley giggled, latching onto Vicki and turning puppy dog eyes onto me. "Can we keep her, Gothboy~? Can we~? Can we~?"
I rolled my eyes with a chuckle, "Now, that's not up to me, is it? Ask your wifey, Harley."
She immediately turned to Ivy with those puppy dog eyes still in full effect. Strangely, Ivy barely acknowledged her. She was lost in consideration, thinking about something. Harley knew when her jokes and bits weren't welcome. She calmed down almost instantly, asking, "Red?"
Ivy blinked, looking up to find us all staring at her. Slowly, she put her thoughts into words, "You know… I don't want to make anyone think I'm against the idea - Mother Nature knows I'm not - but killing the Joker won't solve all our problems."
"Just the vast, vast majority of them," Harley agreed, nodding sagely.
Ivy chuckled and continued, "But there's still the matter of the Dead End's neutrality. We need a way to reassert it. A way to show, even when the Joker is still alive, that we won't be intimidated. It's about sending a message that our neutrality will exist even if we don't act against future threats."
"It's not a bad idea, Gothboy," Harley added. "Villainy is all about sending messages. If you're serious about this neutrality business, you gotta do more than just protect it. You gotta show that it's strong enough to survive without you defending it personally."
"I'm not a villain," I said absently, thinking over the rest of their points.
Harley waved her hand so-so, "Ehhhhh… Ya kinda are. You're a Rogue at the very least. Definitely part of the cape scene, even if you don't take part in the usual shenanigans there."
"Fine," I shook my head fondly. "Now, where do we start with sending this message?"
"I was thinking something expressly neutral. Perhaps you could extend the bar for use as a venue? Put it to work as neutral ground and invite the regulars to squash any lingering beef they might have with each other. The message would spread from them. And when the Joker inevitably turns up to crash the party, we can take care of him for good in front of everybody."
"Oh~! A villain tea parlay party~!" Harley clapped excitedly. "With a side of dead clown~! I'll get the fine china so I can break it in Joker's stupid, smug face~!"
"I, uh, I may have just the thing to base this parlay around," Vicki offered hesitantly. "I don't know if any of you realize it but the city's kinda, sorta on the verge of all-out gang warfare after the Arkham breakout… You might - MIGHT - want to do something to prevent that."
I blinked. When was the last time I left my domain here in the Dead End? "Oh… Oh, yeah, that might be a good idea."
Spoiler: Jason Todd [img: https/i./564x/de/11/f6/de11f65a25e54eac730d2afb1c0a4fe6.jpg]
Jason Todd had the target in his sights. Just a touch to the left… and the shot would be… perfect.
An exhale pushed the air from his lungs. He held them empty for a moment. His finger began to squeeze on the trigger of his rifle. Slow, smooth, steady…
Something caused him to flinch and abort his shot at the last moment. The barrel of his rifle was shoved sky-high in a way Jason was infuriatingly familiar with these days. The shortest fully grown male of the Bat Family glared at him. Jason glared right back from beneath his full-cover mask.
"You have GOT to stop shooting people, Jason!" Tim Drake hissed.
Spoiler: Tim Drake - Red Robin
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All Jason could do at this point was roll his eyes. This was an old argument between them. Ever since Jason had somewhat reconciled with Batman and the rest of the Batfam, Tim had made it his mission to get him to stop killing people.
And with Tim, that meant 100 percent effort, all the time. He worked hard for everything he had and he deserved way more recognition than he usually got.
Even just his physique showed that much. Tim wasn't built like a fighter. Or, at least, he shouldn't have been built like a fighter. But he was. Through sheer hard work, pain, sweat, and fight, he sculpted himself into someone who could keep up with Batman. Jason wasn't too proud to admit that Tim was easily the one he found most admirable out of all of the Robins.
Dick was the first and people tended to think that made him the most responsible. But anyone who'd spent time with him knew how much of a drama queen and slut he could be. Seriously, Dick quite literally couldn't stop thinking with his dick sometimes. And don't even get Jason started on Dick's pratfalls… Dick's time in the Flying Graysons was certainly put to good work in his sense of humor.
Damian was still growing into his own. So only time would tell with him. Like all of them, he had issues of his own to work through.
Jason himself… He was walking a different path now. One laid before him by Death. One paved in bricks of pain, fury, and vengeance. One that he alone could walk. He didn't think he deserved to be considered Robin anymore.
He'd also be the first to admit that Tim was much, much smarter than him. And Jason knew he was no slouch when it came to intelligence. Tim just blew him out of the water. Shortstack was a bonafide genius.
But having that determined, responsible, hardworking brain turned against him was a pain in the ass. He barely killed a criminal a month these days! Tim always seemed to be there to stop him short, fueled by pure caffeine and stubborn morality.
Jason didn't want to stop! Some of these people just deserved to die! And someone had to kill them. He'd much rather it be him than any of the other Bats. Doing what he did might very well break them… But Jason couldn't stand by as lost causes were given chance after chance.
Like Jason's current target. Victor Zsasz. If anyone deserved to die as much as the Joker, it was him. The instant he got out of Arkham Tower, he went right back to his serial murder spree.
Compared to most of the other escapees, Zsasz took precedence for Jason. He was blatantly hurting people, unlike Grundy or Croc. So far, two new tally-like cuts had appeared on Zsasz's skin. He'd already killed twice and they hadn't been able to catch him or pin him down.
Jason wasn't going to let that stand if he could do anything to stop it. While the others equally focused on all of the villains causing trouble since the breakout, Jason focused only on Zsasz. This was the first time he'd caught up to him and had a chance to put an end to him once and for all. Only for that chance to be ruined by Batman's goddamn code.
"Don't you have a cup of coffee to mainline straight into your bloodstream?" Jason sniped.
"I'll have you know my suit is equipped with a device to do just that," Tim said matter-of-factly.
Jason barely resisted the urge to facepalm, "Tim… I was joking."
"You should know I don't joke around with my caffeine. But you're changing the subject. Stop. Shooting. People."
"He's a literal serial killer! Nothing about him is redeemable! He doesn't want to repent or change. And unlike you, I'm not willing to try for him of all people. I won't give that monster any more chances."
"It doesn't matter, Jason. We don't kill people. We're heroes, not executioners."
"I'm not 'we'," Jason said firmly. "Not anymore."
"You'll always be one of us, you utter asshat!" Tim shouted.
Jason looked away, not showing how rare it was to hear that sort of thing from Tim. Tim was notoriously… prickly. He was sarcastic and quick with wit and humor. His words were usually pointed and biting. He didn't show affection easily and when he did it was usually out of frustration or it was so subtle most missed it.
Damn… There must be some sand in his eye. Or maybe it was raining. His helmet's environmental sealing must be off. He had to get that looked at. Rare moments like this reminded Jason why he was glad to be alive-… No, repress, don't think about it.
This wasn't the time or the place. The moment he let himself stop repressing would be the moment he faltered. And Jason couldn't afford to be anything but the Hood. Not when a monster like Zsasz roamed free. Not when the Joker still hadn't suffered for everything he'd done.
"Whatever…" Jason growled. "If you won't let me take care of him for good, then at least help me take him down now."
"I'm more than fine with that," Tim agreed but held out a hand. "Give me your guns first. You're just going to try and shoot him while we capture him."
"I'm no-…" He was and they both knew it. "Oh, shut up. I'm not going to apologize. He deserves much worse than a quick death."
"That's not for us to decide. Your guns, Jason. Quickly. Before he gets away," Tim said, holding firm.
Despite being more than half a foot shorter than him, Tim sure cut a domineering figure. Almost patronizing, really. He must have learned it from Bruce.
Jason grumbled but conceded, "Here, I'll stash them on the roof. Happy?"
Tim sighed, "Not without, like, twice the caffeine I currently have in my body."
"You have a problem, you know that, Shortstack?" Jason couldn't help but snort in humor.
"No, I have a solution," Tim said. "And that solution is more caffeine."
Shaking his head, Jason did what he said he would, stashing his firearms on the roof. Luckily, Zsasz hadn't gotten away yet. He was giggling maniacally to himself and sharpening a blade that was so rusty Jason could tell from here.
God, how had that monster not died of an infection already? He had to have ALL the diseases. His corpse would probably be a biohazard. Jason was almost thankful for Tim stopping him so he wouldn't have to deal with that mess. Almost…
Together, Jason and Tim ran across the few rooftops that separated them from their target before dropping down right on his head. Zsasz barely got a chance to react. One moment, he was planning his next murder. The next, he was being flattened by 225 and 135 pounds of hero.
He tried to put up a fight. He even got a few good slashes in with that disgusting weapon of his. They didn't manage to penetrate Jason's thick leather jacket, much less the armored costume underneath it.
Jason fought like a cross between a linebacker and a ballerina - unstoppable and graceful. Tim was a pint-sized demon, somehow taking Batman's overwhelming style and applying it to his much smaller frame. Jason knew what it was like to fight Tim. Even against his disadvantaged size, you never felt fully in control of the fight.
Before too long, Zsasz was subdued and trussed up on the pavement of the alley he'd been 'hiding' in. Monofilament Batrope as strong as steel held Zsasz helpless. His legs were tied together and his torso was restrained like a straitjacket without the jacket. He wiggled like a worm but couldn't get free at all.
"You fa*! You abso-fu*-lute co*sucking di*fu*' motherfu* cu*! I'll skin your co* off!" Zsasz raged with language that could have made a sailor blush.
Tim just rolled his eyes, "Yeah, it's time for you to go night, night, idiot."
A textbook pressure point strike silenced Zsasz's colorful cursing. Tim followed it up with a (un)necessary donkey punch to the back of the head.
"And you think you're so much better than me," Jason muttered with rolled eyes. Then he smirked at Tim smugly, "You know, not to say I told you so but~… If we just killed him, we wouldn't have had to listen to his garbage."
"You can shut right up too," Tim grumbled. "I'm still not going to let you kill anyone. No matter how convenient it might be."
"Aww~ Trying to save my soul, Shortstack? You love me, don't you?" Jason teased.
"Like I love disorganized files," Tim deadpanned.
Jason's grin grew, "Isn't file organization what you tend to do with your free time?"
"I don't see how that's relevant."
The two former Robins bickered goodnaturedly as they went about putting Zsasz back where he belonged. Well, Jason was of the opinion that he belonged six feet under but he couldn't win them all. He was willing to let this one go since Tim had fought so hard for it. With someone he held a personal grudge against like the Joker, this would have been a different story.
Elsewhere, throughout the city, Gotham's underground was experiencing something of a criminal renascence. The phenomenon was sparked by the recent breakout, fueled by the movements of certain villains, and fanned by the temporary lack of a place for criminals to unwind. Everyone was back to what they were doing before the Dead End opened and they were quickly coming to find they missed the neutral ground bar.
It was rare for criminals to have a place like the Dead End. A place where they didn't have to worry about little things like what colors they wore or whether the guy beside them would try to slide a knife between their ribs. Gotham's underbelly had been spoiled with the Dead End recently.
Now, they were back on the streets during the worst times of the night. And all the other mooks and goons and thugs were as well. Some returned to their regular routine of stickups and petty crimes. Others gathered under the banners of their villains.
All of them quickly discovered the tension that had taken over the city while they were 'away'. It had begun with the breakout from Arkham. A flood of Mad villains were released onto the streets. Most didn't do anything harmful. A few did.
With their attention not preoccupied with an impossible bar and its barkeep, criminals and villains alike were able to focus back on the overall scene of Gotham's underground. A few key faces had made their reappearances.
Maxie Zeus was back, still claiming to be the Greek God he took his name from. Only now, something about him had gone a bit Mad. Madder than before. For a man with a quite literal God Complex, that was saying something.
No one could tell quite what was going on with Maxie. Maybe Zeus really had lent him a portion of his divine might. The way he was slinging real lightning bolts around without assistance now certainly made that a possibility for once.
Whatever the reason, Maxie Zeus had real power behind him now. And he wasted no time using that power to establish his new mythos. A new gang emerged in Gotham overnight. The Olympians, led by Maxie Zeus and his Mad new power. They were taking territory and shaking up the status quo that Gotham's gangs had enjoyed for so long. And the newly-founded Olympians were just the tip of the proverbial iceberg…
It seemed that their caution-enforced break from the Dead End couldn't have come at a better time for the already-established villains and gang leaders. They were able to focus on the Madly changing crimescape of Gotham.
Bane, Penguin, and Two-Face whipped their boys and girls into shape. They could feel a struggle coming. They were the villains with the main gangs in the city, other than the Joker. They held territory, offered protection, and skirmished with each other as proper gangs should.
Penguin and his Bird Gang owned the Iceberg Lounge and the area surrounding it. Two-Face held an old abandoned courthouse in the city's East End, basing his operations out of it. Bane occupied many different territories throughout Gotham, acting as a balance for the other two.
Penguin's 'business' was heavily into gambling and racketeering. Two-Face dealt with fraud and some of the more violent services for hire. Bane used his spread-out base of power in the city to facilitate his investment in the drug trade.
The Joker and his Clownz were their own beast. They held a small amount of territory around the old Ace Chemical factory. When the Joker was free, they were a force to be reckoned with. When he wasn't, they were - quite frankly - jokes.
The villain gangs didn't stand by themselves. The Cobblepot family's wealth was heavily suspected of bankrolling Penguin's operations, though no one could prove it with how thoroughly Penguin covered his tracks. There were rumors that Two-Face still had dirty connections in the legal world. And Bane wasn't shy about his connections with the Mexican Cartels that supplied the product he turned into so much illegal profit.
They also weren't alone in the city. Gotham was no stranger to criminal organizations. The only real difference with the villain gangs was just that. They were led and backed by villains. More traditional criminal empires still occupied the majority of Gotham's 'market share'.
The Triads were an ever-present threat, especially in Gotham's Chinatown. The Cartels had something of a presence in the city, though they mainly operated through proxies like Bane. The Russian mob had a heavy stranglehold over non-drug-related smuggling in Gotham. Plenty of American-based gangs had representation that could be found in Gotham's dark streets. And then there were the crime families…
The Bertinellis, the Maronis, the Dimitrovs, the Sabatinos, and first among them, the Falcones. All together, they made up the majority of Gotham's underground. Even in Gotham, villains were the rarity rather than the norm. They just happened to get the most attention from the masses, for obvious reasons.
The crime families of Gotham liked to 'lay low'. They let the villains take most of the heat while they flew under the radar to stick their fingers in as many pies as they could. Of course, it wasn't a waterproof strategy.
They certainly hadn't escaped the attention of the Bat or his family. Batman knew more about the crime families than they probably suspected or wanted him to. He was more than aware of their actions and how they did much more harm to Gotham than their villainous counterparts. More often than not, he was willing to let a villain escape to focus on the more traditional criminals.
Still, the crime families eeked out a comfortable existence. Batman was only one man. He couldn't be everywhere at once. And so, even with the losses of operating in his city, they persisted and profited. Villains were the public face of Gotham's crimescape. The crime families were where the real money was.
The villains weren't the only ones to sense the changes from the Mad Arkham breakout. The crime families were gearing up for war as well. And when they went to war, they didn't limit things to other villains.
While the Olympians were the new gang on the block, they weren't where the sense of tension in the city was coming from. Batman and his family were busy chasing villains. All the while, the crime families were just itching for an excuse. And with the Mad Breakout, they may have found it.
Again, not in the Olympians or Maxie Zeus. As far as they were concerned, he was just another villain. No, someone more dangerous had escaped from Arkham with the Mad Breakout. Black Mask was the best of both worlds. A villain and a more traditional crime lord packed into one deranged man.
He knew how to run an organized criminal empire to rival the crime families. At the same time, he was as unpredictable and insane as any other villain. Black Mask was the only competition that the crime families actually feared outside of their own kind.
The crime families' 'civil' game of Robber vs. Robber was in jeopardy. Black Mask was back and he was coming out swinging. In just a few days, he'd built himself a foundation. Rekindled his old criminal connections. Established a base of power. And most worryingly, recruited himself a new troupe of Masks.
His Masks were something special. Terrifying to any mundane criminal and formidable to even the Bat Family. They wore masks, to no one's surprise. Masks that controlled their minds - washing them clean and instilling undying loyalty to Black Mask alone.
At the same time, the masks uploaded impossibly developed skills directly into their wearer's minds. Black Masks troupe of Masks was a force to be reckoned with. Beyond expert marksmen. Martial artists who could compete against the greatest in their fields. Thieves and burglars who were skilled enough to defeat any mundane security system.
They were the elite of Black Mask's organization. The backbone of his empire. But they weren't alone. Even now, Black Mask was gathering more mundane forces to his criminal banner. Soon, he would be ready to drive Gotham into an all-out gang war so he could come out on top and rule its underground once and for all.
He had the know-how. He had the drive and ruthlessness required of a true crime lord, not just a villain. He had a knack for organized crime. Black Mask acted as an existential threat to Gotham's established crime families.
He had connections from his days before Arkham. Connections that came from ruling over even the crime families, no matter how temporary that period was. At one point in time, before Batman put him away in Arkham, Black Mask held strings in every single one of Gotham's gangs.
Now that he was out again, he was quickly proving to be even more competent than the first time. The Maronis had already fallen. Black Mask had taken their heir under his control, fitting him with a mask. With the family's heir as leverage, he brought the Maronis under his sway through blackmail. When the family's crime lord tried to resist, Black Mask killed him and took over the rest of the family with a show of force and his 'alliance' with the family's heir.
The other crime families of Gotham were understandably on guard now. Black Mask had all but infiltrated their ranks again by usurping the Maronis and killing one of their own in 'Big Lou' Maroni. He was a threat they were more than willing to go to war over, forming strained and temporary alliances with each other to present a 'united front'.
It seemed that Gotham would have another round of War Games on its hands. While Batman and his allies knew about what was going on, they couldn't hope to stop it at this point. Not without an opening and a lever large enough to move the moon. The ball was already rolling.
Until… it wasn't. A momentary stutter went out, 'heard' across the city. The villains heard it first but the more mundanely dangerous crime lords weren't far behind. Sighs of relief were exhaled in lairs across Gotham, some more cautious and distrustful than others. But still, the tension in the city was overtaken by a sense of tentative agreement.
The Dead End had spoken. It called for parlay. Or as Harley put it, 'a villain tea parlay party~!'. And with due consideration given to the reputation Sean and his bar had built, Gotham's underground lords listened.
There was still the Joker's threat to consider. But no self-respecting lord would allow themselves to be intimidated by a jester. The call for parlay was accepted. The white flag was waved by Gotham's lords and villains. The Dead End was set as neutral ground once more.
It was the first step toward reasserting the Dead End's vaunted neutrality. The first step to reinforcing that rain or shine, Joker or Batman, the Dead End would act as a neutral party. A mediator, even.
The higher-ups - villains and crime lords - would confirm it for themselves. From them, the news would trickle down to the lieutenants, mooks, goons, and thugs who - by large - wouldn't attend the parlay.
No one was under the illusion that the meeting would go 100 percent smoothly. Fights over old grudges were bound to break out and the Joker crashing the party was a guarantee. But the Dead End had a reputation for keeping the peace within its walls.
If - when - the Joker showed up… Well, crime lords lived and died on face and reputation. They couldn't run scared of a clown. They'd just have to show him why they ran Gotham. And more than a few of the villains were tired of his shit. With the prospect of a neutral mediator for potential future disputes on the table, everyone attending was more than ready to give Joker the welcome he deserved.
By the time the call for parlay reached Black Mask's ears, everyone else had already agreed. Peer pressure and face forced his hand, even as he scratched his head in confusion.
"Who the Hell is Mr. Barkeep?!"
Spoiler: Black Mask
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Chapter 13
The Dead End, Black Mask decided, didn't seem like anything special. From the outside, it looked positively plain. Not quite a dive but certainly not anything fancy and elevated either. Mask had trouble believing this was the den of someone powerful enough to stay neutral in Gotham of all places and even powerful enough to extend that neutrality to others.
He had a hard time believing this place was responsible for all the changes he'd come across in Gotham since his escape from Arkham Tower. He'd heard the rumors from his new men and Masks but he'd reserve the final judgment until he saw it with his own eyes.
It looked like the kind of place he would walk right past without noticing. Maybe spare the name a parting thought at most. He was never one for drinking. It made him feel less in control. It took him out of his mask.
As far as Mask was concerned, Roman Sionis was dead. Gone. Kaput. All that mattered now was the mask. Black Mask was king in his mind. After all, the Mask hadn't been dropped on his head as a baby. The Mask didn't have distant parents who never cared. The Mask didn't utterly ruin the family business and drive himself into bankruptcy.
Everything he was today, he owed to the mask. Black Mask took everything into his hands and molded it for greatness. An empire, ruled by the mask. And since his escape, he'd been feeling more and more like the mask. As far as he was concerned, that development was as positive as it came.
He'd only been free for a few days and Mask had already made good progress toward his renewed goals. He had a power base, a new troupe, and a plan. This parlay was a wrench in his efforts but he convinced himself to go along with it for now. The last thing he wanted was to be cut out of any potential negotiations.
Mask arrived at the Dead End fashionably early. He was already at a disadvantage here. While the others who agreed to attend the parlay already knew about the Dead End, Mask was learning on the fly. He was left to adapt and adjust his plans as he went. The last thing he needed was to add to that disadvantage by showing up late for a dramatic entrance or something similarly stupid.
Upon entering the Dead End for the first time, that adaption was immediately put to the test. He was one of the first ones there. He expected that much. Penguin and Riddler were drinking together at the bar, having a quiet conversation before everything kicked off.
But the ones who shifted Mask's view of the situation were hanging suspiciously close to two people he could only assume were the owners of the Dead End. Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. If Mask was reading them correctly, they were a part of the Dead End now.
Seeing him, Harley skipped over, as energetic as ever, "Hiya, Masky~! Welcome in~! Good to see ya~! You're early so we're still just waiting for the rest of y'all to show up~! Feel free to have a seat~!"
"Quinn," Black Mask grunted a greeting in turn.
Harley's words confirmed Mask's deduction that she and Ivy had aligned themselves with the Dead End. It was good information to have. He made a note of it.
Mask didn't have anything else to talk to her about. So he didn't. Instead, he took a seat at the large, circular table that took center stage inside the bar. He imagined it wasn't the usual arrangement of seating. Smart though. Its shape and design played nicely into the place's supposed neutrality.
He took a seat that allowed him to watch the door and the bar where the others were gathered at the same time and settled in to try and get a feel for this 'Dead End'. He quickly pegged four of the seven people in the bar as being part of the Dead End's faction.
The two barkeeps he didn't recognize had to be the owners. Mr. Barkeep and Miss Didi. Mask could associate the stories his new men told him with them, even if they didn't quite make sense with what he saw of the two goths at a glance. Riddler and Penguin were friendly with the bartender but they weren't close. Not like Ivy and Harley were. They likely weren't a part of this new faction yet.
Then there was the last woman at the bar. She was leaning more toward 'close' with the owners instead of friendly. But she wasn't quite there yet. Her presence complicated things. Mask recognized her as Vicki Vale. The reporter. Which could potentially be an issue. He'd just assumed that a meeting as important as this one would be 'closed', per se. Thankfully, she didn't have a camera with her so there was a chance it still was.
Still, Mask knew he'd have to watch himself. He'd have to carefully manage his image in case the inner workings of this meeting came out. The news would spread. Of that, Mask had no doubt. Reporters had keen ears and busy fingers. But the specifics might or might not stay private.
If Miss Vale was so close to the Dead End faction, perhaps this was just another aspect of their neutrality. A Sword of Damocles and a safety net at the same time.
Barely a rush of air signaled the arrival of another one of the meeting's attendees. Mask pointedly didn't acknowledge the Bat as he seemingly appeared in a seat opposite him. Inside though, he smugly noted that he was here first.
Freeze entered the bar as well. But he did so much more mundanely. None of the Bat's flair for theatrics. There was something interesting about his entrance though. He came from the back of the bar, accompanied by a woman who could only be his wife. Then they both joined Harley and Ivy at the bar with the owners.
'Interesting… ' Mask mused. 'It's a small but strong bloc for a faction. Ivy alone could match half of Gotham's capes. And we still only have rumors to go off for Mr. Barkeep and Miss Didi.'
More attendees followed in a steady trickle. Just about every villain in the city had agreed to be here - not just the ones with their own gangs -, plus the crime families. Today's negotiations would be with them primarily. The villain gangs were - quite honestly - bit players in Mask's mind.
Penguin and Riddler joined them at the table when Bane arrived. Against everything Mask knew about his peers, they were being quite civil with each other. All of the villains were. From Catwoman to Clayface. And none of them raised an eyebrow at Batman's inclusion either.
'They're used to this,' He realized.
'The Dead End. They've been meeting at a neutral ground like this for months now. They know they don't have to worry about each other's company,' Mask observed.
'Even the Bat?' He questioned.
'Even the Bat,' Mask confirmed.
The last ones to join the meeting were the heads of Gotham's crime families. The real players Mask would have to contend with. The other villains couldn't be completely ignored but only three of them had the potential power to oppose his efforts vigorously. The rest lacked the proper power base. They were villains, not crime lords.
Mask kept a keen eye on the remaining four crime lords. Franco Bertinelli. Antony Dimitrov. Luke Sabatino. And a surprise from the Falcones. It seemed that Carmine Falcone wasn't in charge anymore. He was succeeded by his daughter Sofia Falcone Gigante. Mask didn't remember her being in a wheelchair but she still cut an imposing figure.
When everyone was seated and situated, a clap resounded through the Dead End. Mr. Barkeep - Sean Caine to his friends - got everyone's attention. As he did, his faction - as the Mask had dubbed them - took seats at the now-full table. How? By making room for themselves in an impossible show of power and twisting space from Mr. Barkeep and Miss Didi.
Mask raised an eyebrow at that but didn't react otherwise. The other villains - regulars of the Dead End - didn't react either. And of course, the Bat was as impassive as ever. The crime lords were left to startle and jump on their own. If he didn't have their attention before now, he certainly commanded it with that stunt.
Even with the completely circular table, Mr. Barkeep somehow seemed to be sitting at the head. Miss Didi sat alongside him like a kind, almost motherly queen.
'That would make Quinn the jester, Ivy the court mage, and Freeze the knight,' Mask thought in amusement.
Mr. Barkeep spoke and the whole table listened, "Welcome to the Dead End's first-ever parlay, everyone."
"Villain tea parlay party~!" Harley interrupted with blatant glee.
Mr. Barkeep just nodded and continued, "Right, that. We're here tonight for a few reasons. To air out old grudges and disputes in a peaceful setting. To put a cork in all of the fuck-shit brewing between the gangs-…" As he said that, he glanced pointedly at Black Mask and the crime lords.
Knowing they couldn't let themselves be seen backing down so quickly, he continued, "And finally, to show the Joker that he isn't going to intimidate the Dead End. He's almost certainly going to crash this party. And when he does, we're going to give him the welcome he so fatally deserves."
"You can't kill him, Sean. I won't let you," Batman cut in with a grave, gravelly voice.
Mr. Barkeep - Sean - shook his head sadly, "I'm going above your head on this one, Batman. Quite frankly, you're vastly outranked here."
"It isn't your decision who lives or dies," Batman growled.
"Yes, it is," Sean said matter-of-factly. "And if you won't accept my authority on the matter, I'll just refer you to Didi. You don't get a choice in this anymore, Batman. Lady Death has spoken."
Batman grunted and went silent. Mask sat back and observed the exchange, cataloging everything said and unsaid. 'Interesting choice of words. It seems Batman won't be able to impose his code on Mr. Barkeep. He's not lying when he says Lady Death has spoken. No, he means it quite literally. And with the reference to Miss Didi right before… Hmm.'
"It's not very neutral of you to declare your intent to kill someone," Sofia Falcone said, her words cold and cutting.
Sean stared her down, "Our neutrality doesn't mean we will stand being walked all over. We will defend ourselves when threatened and enforce our ideal within our domain. Let me be clear. Threatening the Dead End will be met with violent consequences."
"Don't fuck with Switzerland," Ivy intoned as if it was written in stone. "We won't involve ourselves in the usual villain games unless we're asked to but that doesn't mean we'll just sit there and take everything thrown our way."
"I'll have to agree with Ivy here," Catwoman added her two cents. "I quite like having a place like the Dead End in the city."
"Hear, hear!" Riddler agreed as well. "Only a few days and I already miss the company!"
"I know damn well my boys keep each other in line when it comes to this bar. No one wants to be the next one to fuck around and find out," Two-Face grunted.
"I think it's safe to say that the regulars support what Mr. Barkeep is trying to do here. So long as the Joker is taken care of, you can expect to see business return to normal," Penguin added.
"Sounds to me like that boy up and pissed in a church," Antony Dimitrov grunted, going against the 'united front' Sofia was undoubtedly trying to present. "He'll get what he's got coming to him. There ain't no need to question a man's right to defend what's his in this situation, Falcone."
Sean waved, changing the subject, "He's not the reason we're all here anyway. He'll be taken care of in due time. Right now, we should focus on the purpose of this meeting. We're here to air out old grudges and squash beef. Peacefully."
He stared pointedly around the table at his last word, making sure everyone knew he was serious. Once he was satisfied that no one would start anything immediately, he nodded, "Good. Now, who wants to start?"
No one volunteered themselves. Old enemies glared at each other from across the table. Mask received his fair share of dirty looks as well. He brushed them off like water off a duck's back. Still, no one wanted to be the first to break the silent tension rising around the table.
"I'll go first," Harley said, rolling her eyes. "I've got a beef to pick with Red here!"
Ivy startled slightly, "Me, Harley? Wha-…?"
Harley puffed herself up as if she were declaring something of grand importance, "… You hog all the blankets, Red!"
Her declaration was met with a momentary stunned silence. Ivy looked bewildered in the face of it. In a single sentence, the tension around the table was slashed to ribbons. Catwoman was the first to break, chortling with a sultry purr. The other villains quickly followed her in laughter. Goodnatured as it was, even a couple of the crime lords joined in.
Mask quickly found himself reassessing his opinion of Harley Quinn. That move was clever as Hell. Positively devious in how it manipulated the atmosphere of the room. And Mask knew it had to be that way on purpose. Harley had used her reputation as a pick to break the ice in a way that effectively killed the expectation that this meeting had to be about serious or hostile old grudges.
Then Ivy added to the effectiveness of Harley's gambit. Purposeful or not, Mask was unsure. But it certainly cleared away the rest of the proverbial ice.
"Y-Yeah?! Well, you have cold feet!"
Harley gasped as if Ivy had slapped her, "You take that back!"
Still chuckling, Riddler joined in, "I've got one. For Scarecrow. I know you ate my leftover Chinese food out of the fridge when we were collabing a while back. That was my lunch, Jon! And it was clearly labeled! Have some common decency for your peers, man!"
Though he started jovially, by the end of his grievance, Riddler was incensed. 'Rightfully so,' Mask thought. 'If someone stole my properly labeled food, I don't think murder would be all that much of an overreaction.'
"It wasn't me!" Scarecrow denied transparently.
Riddler glared at him, "Don't lie to me, Jon! I had to eat peanut butter and jelly because of you. Like a five-year-old! You don't have anything else edible in your hideout! Go shopping, dammit!"
Even with his mask, sheepishness was clear in Scarecrow's posture, "Okay, yeah… Yeah, that was me. My bad, Edward. I'm sorry."
"Fine," Riddler nodded stiffly. "You're paying for all of the take-out for the rest of our friendship."
Scarecrow winced at the hit his wallet would take but sighed, "That's fair."
With their contribution to Harley's ploy, the tension in the meeting was well and truly broken. It seemed that airing petty grievances could be just as cathartic as serious ones, without the possibility of violence. 'Let's see how long that lasts,' Mask mused cynically.
"I suppose I have one for Sean," Miss Didi offered, speaking up for the first time with a lovely clear voice that instantly stole the show. "When are you going to stop bullying Batgirl?"
"When it stops being fun or when she stops letting herself rise to my bait so easily," Sean answered with a chuckle.
"So… never," Didi deadpanned.
Sean just smirked and Mask could have sworn he saw the corner of the Bat's lips twitch up almost imperceptibly.
"Oh, this seems like fun~" Catwoman purred. "What do you say, Batman~? Anything you wanna say about me~? I promise I won't bite~"
Mask watched that exchange intently. Would the Bat join? That would be the real test of this meeting. Batman was silent. Unmoving. He'd never break. Never allow himself to relax to this level. Mask was sure of it.
"… Stop doing things that are illegal," Batman snarked plainly, proving Mask wrong in a single unlikely sentence.
Mask blinked. Did the Bat just…?
"Holy shit!" Kite-man guffawed in surprise. "Batman just cracked a joke!"
"Didn't know you had it in you, Bats," Penguin commented with an amused smirk.
"I can be very funny when I wish to be," Batman said, his voice so steady it was as if he was stating the weather.
"C'mon, Bats~" Catwoman let out an alluring giggle. "Don't leave us with just that. I know you have some petty things to say about me in that dark, handsome head of yours~"
Batman was quiet for a moment again, "… Your claws can be a little too sharp sometimes."
Catwoman blinked, parsing through that for a moment before blushing so minutely it was barely visible, "That complaint is hardly appropriate for our current company, Batman…"
"I have scars, Selina. Happy scars but scars nonetheless," Batman deadpanned.
"W-Well, it's hardly my fault that I can get a little… little… passionate!" Catwoman sputtered.
Everyone at the table watched the two 'enemies' go back and forth. Heads swiveled between the two of them like a tennis match. Though perhaps it would be more accurate to describe them as an old married couple. The relationship between Batman and Catwoman was a very open secret but it wasn't common to see it play out with your own eyes.
Mask felt like he'd stepped into Wonderland. This… was a strange phenomenon. One he'd freely admit he didn't fully understand. While the other villains were interested, they didn't seem as caught off-guard as he or the crime lords were. Was this how things were done in the Dead End?
"How are you enjoying your first time in the Dead End?" A voice asked from a little off to Mask's left.
Mask turned to address Mr. Barkeep, still fairly bewildered, "I'm sorry?"
Though two people - Mister Freeze and his wife Nora - separated them at the table, Sean spoke to Mask as if he was right next to him, "Well, you're the only villain here I'm not familiar with in one way or another. I suppose I just want to hear the thoughts of a first-time guest."
"It's… unusual. Unique," Mask said, choosing his words carefully. "I don't believe I've ever experienced an environment like this. Not where villains are so free to talk to one another without fear of violence. Where even the heroes can join in."
"It's something special," Sean stated with firm conviction beneath his words.
Mask nodded slowly, "I suppose it is."
"You know, this is exactly what I want from my neutrality. Connections," Sean glanced out at the others around the table and then back to Mask. A smile colored his expression.
The smile never left his face as he articulated his thoughts, "Not in the networking sense of the word. But in the sense of relationships. Friendships. The social structure at the core of the human experience, those kinds of connections. Between enemies, existing allies, and people who would have never met without this place. The simple essence of interaction between people, good or bad. Something as basic as being able to talk to one another, having a place to talk to one another… Just that can do so much."
"I see…" Mask dutifully absorbed the new information. Hearing Sean speak about his goals and ideals was immensely informative. It helped Mask get a much clearer picture of who this 'Mr. Barkeep' really was.
"Right," Sean shook his head clear of dreams. "I should probably get things back on track before-…"
"I've got something to say to the crime families," Two-Face suddenly growled, his tone making it clear his grievance wasn't nearly as petty as the ones before it. "Which one of you mafia bastards did this shit to me?! Who's responsible? I wanna have… words with 'em…"
Sean sighed, "Before something like this happens."
Franco Bertinelli met Two-Face's hostility in kind, "Don't take the tone with us, boy! I get that you're pissed but I've been running these streets since you were in nappies. I guarantee it wasn't one of mine though."
Two-Face wouldn't be pacified so easily, "I know it was one of you mafia jackasses. So fess up! Who the fuck left me scarred like this?! I'm gonna pay 'em the same courtesy!"
"It wasn't any of us," Sofia said coolly. "You want the Maronis. Sal Maroni in particular. Which means you want to talk to Black Mask. He took over the Maroni Family just recently. He'll know where you can find Sal."
Mask's eyes narrowed, 'Clever girl, redirecting the attention onto your enemy. And now I have a choice to make… I think Sal Maroni was the one I masked. Losing a Mask would be unfortunate. But not the end of the world. And with the chance to gain favor with Two-Face and gain face with the rest of the witnesses… Really, it's not even a choice.'
"Well, Mask?" Two-Face turned his attention onto him. "What do you know about-…"
"He's yours," Mask said abruptly. "Do with him what you will. I'll have him deliver himself to you whenever you need. So long as I have guarantees of a safe transaction from certain parties."
He glanced at Batman as he said the last bit. Batman's eyes on him could have cut steel, "You know I can't do that, Black Mask. He'll pay for his crimes, Dent. But it'll be in a court of law and prison, not by your hand."
Mask could see how Two-Face rankled at Batman's words. Taking a gamble, he turned to Sean, "Mr. Barkeep. May we use your neutral establishment for the transaction?"
"In here? Sure," Sean shrugged. "But it won't do you much good. Batman will just be waiting outside the door. I won't do anything to stop him outside of my domain. And I won't let Two-Face carry out his revenge in here. Beyond that, Sal Maroni is free to visit the Dead End by himself and leave with whoever he wishes."
Mask nodded, "Then I am content to wipe my hands of the situation. At that point, whatever happens will be up to him, Two-Face, and Batman."
"Dent…" Batman growled warningly, seeing the look in Two-Face's eyes. "I WILL stop you."
Two-Face snorted, "What else is new, Bats?"
"Right, well, we'll leave the two of you to work that out between yourselves," Sean said, rolling his eyes. "Why don't the rest of us move on to something a touch more pressing? Something like plunging the city into all-out war?"
When he said that, he looked directly at the four remaining crime lords and Black Mask. Mask allowed himself to give a small nod, acknowledging his part in that situation. The crime lords didn't even give that much.
'The fools probably still think they're in control of this conversation,' Mask scoffed internally. 'If Mr. Barkeep was so inclined, he could force us into peace. We wouldn't be able to do anything about it.'
Still, he did not seem so inclined. So Mask was willing to have this conversation civilly. There were much worse things that could happen than being brought to the peace-talk table. Perhaps he would even come out on top due to his willingness to compromise with the mediator.
"What is there to talk about?" Sofia's voice chilled any potential conversation immediately. It seemed she would be taking it upon herself to speak for the families. "We're perfectly happy to uphold the status quo. Without any undue violence at all. It's Black Mask that wishes to conquer through war and force. Will you chastise us for defending what is ours, Mr. Barkeep? Could you claim you would do any differently in our position?"
"Yes," Sean stated flatly. "Yes, I could. Not for defending yourselves but I certainly wouldn't let my problems spill out onto the streets and catch the whole city in the crossfire.
"I don't care if you fight amongst yourselves. I don't even care who wins. But I DO care about the chaos and collateral damage your little gang war will cause. About the innocents who will be harmed because of your callous greed and negligence. And that's not going to happen if I can help it."
Mask nodded. That lined up with what he'd seen from Mr. Barkeep so far. Unfortunately, he couldn't see this coming to an easy resolution. They were at an impasse. The families wouldn't give up their power and positions easily. And Mask wouldn't give up his ambition. There needed to be something new introduced into the equation for anything productive to be done here.
Luke Sabatino bristled at Sean's words, "Oh, yeah? What are ya gonna do about it, tough guy?! You don't get to tell us what to fuckin' do!"
Sean fixed him with a silent, heavy stare for a moment, "… I don't think you realize what you're doing so I won't punish you as harshly as I could. But I think you should take a little timeout. And just think for a moment. Think about what you just said, who you said it to, and where you said it."
With a snap of his fingers, Sean did something impossible again. Sabatino was suddenly in another place entirely, as if reality rejected his previous position. All the way in one of the corners of the bar, he found himself sitting and facing the wall. A comical dunce cap appeared on his head. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it off. Or stand from his chair. Or be heard by any of the rest of them. He was, quite literally, put in timeout.
The other crime lords were smart enough to hold their tongues. Mask knew they must be fuming. They lived and died on respect and reputation. No one got away with treating the crime families like that. But they weren't on their turf right now. And at least Sofia was quick enough to recognize when she was outmatched.
"My apologies for the behavior of my peer, Mr. Barkeep," She said, even managing not to make it sound too forced.
"Apology accepted," Sean nodded. "Now, how can we solve this issue you seem to have before it's projected onto the rest of the city?"
Even after apologizing, Sofia held her ground, "I'm afraid I don't see how that's possible. Black Mask is a threat to our station. Our very livelihoods. And I have good reason to believe he won't abandon his goals. I won't ask him to. I'll just defend me and mine in whatever way proves necessary."
"I will not abandon my ambitions," Mask asserted without flinching. "I happen to think I'll do a much better job running things than these so-called 'lords'. And as much as I may try, these things can only be kept so civil."
"Hmm," Sean hummed in consideration. He turned to his partner, "Any ideas, Didi?"
"Perhaps," Miss Didi said humbly. Mask found himself very interested in what she had to say. While the specifics of her nature weren't clear to him yet, she was obviously important and powerful. Perhaps even more powerful than Mr. Barkeep. He'd be a fool not to take the suggestions of someone who was referenced as 'Lady Death'.
Didi continued, "I think it should be fine to let both parties work things out by themselves. So long as they have a safe, contained environment to do so in."
"Even if the only way they see forward is violence?" Sean clarified.
Didi nodded, "Even then. Think of it as an extension of the Dead End's neutrality."
Sean followed her train of thought, "An arena, perhaps?"
"Oh. My. God…" Harley exclaimed slowly with excited exhales. "Corrupt champions conquering for their crew~! Gangbanging Gladiators~! A Colesseum of Crime~!"
There was a pause as Harley's words set in. Everyone blinked. It… made sense…? Mask thought it through. He and the crime families could settle their disputes this way. By proxy in an arena. Like the dueling champions of old. No one else would be harmed. No collateral damage to speak of.
'Yes, this suggestion is going to go through,' Mask decided. 'I'll make sure of it.'
Because who would benefit the most from a solution decided by single combat? From conquest decided by a chosen champion? The families with their mundane options? Or Black Mask with his impossibly loyal, impossibly skilled troupe of Masks?
Unseen beneath his mask, a grin stretched into place. It was perfect. He could continue his conquest of Gotham's underworld without stepping on the toes of a powerful potential ally. There would be no need for innocent casualties if everything could be solved by two consenting 'gladiators'. Even Batman couldn't hope to protest all too much with this solution.
Mask came right out and stated his support firmly, "I'll happily cast my vote for that suggestion. This way, no innocent will be hurt or killed and the city shall stay solidly in one piece. Why, I don't know how I could refuse…"
He felt the crime lords' glares at his last line. With just that, he'd effectively backed them into a corner. Sofia, at the very least, understood that this solution would benefit Mask most of all. But she couldn't hope to reject it without coming across as difficult and sore.
She was the quickest to catch the nuances of the situation. And already, Mask could see her reevaluating her position. He wouldn't be surprised if she sought him out for an alliance very soon after all of this was decided. He could certainly work with that. The other crime lords were much slower on the uptake.
'Good. Let the incompetents flounder and die struggling,' Mask grinned.
"I suppose I can agree to this solution," Sofia said, quick to betray her 'allied' peers to make herself look good.
"Wha-…? Ah, shit," Franco cursed.
Antony Dimitrov just sighed, "I guess this is how we're gonna be doing things from now on."
Luke Sabatino was still in his timeout corner with the dunce cap on his head, dumb to the world around him.
Sean looked over at him sheepishly, "Oh… Uh, does it even matter if I bring him back into this conversation? The majority of you will still have voted in favor of the idea."
Antony snorted a laugh. Sofia's lips twitched as she suppressed a smile, "Even if his opinion will not change our decision, please release our resident dunce from his timeout, Mr. Barkeep. I'm sure he's learned his lesson by now."
"I don't know," Sean hedged. "He was rather rude to me."
"And the dunce cap is hilarious~!" Harley chimed. "Really fits the big ol' butthead~!"
Didi stared at both of them sternly, "Dear… Harley… Is that any way to treat our guests?"
Sighing, Sean conceded the point to her, "No…"
"Sorry, Didi," Harley added.
Didi nodded, satisfied, "Good. Now, I do believe that takes care of the primary business of this parlay. A solution has been reached. And I firmly expect both sides to keep their word. If they don't, I will be… quite cross."
Though she spoke normally, the effect was anything but. The crime lords nodded their heads like warned children. Even Mask felt overwhelming shame at the mere idea of disappointing her. And He didn't plan on breaking such a beneficial agreement in the first place!
"You know," Scarecrow said suddenly to break the silence. "I'm surprised we managed to get through all of that without the Joker showing up already. Is he… SCARED…?"
His statement was met with a chorus of groans, "God dammit, Scarecrow! You know better than that!"
"Ya freaking dingus!" Harley yelled.
Riddler shook his head sadly, "All that fear toxin is rotting your brain, Jon."
Scarecrow paused, considering what he'd done, "… Ah, fuck."
Mask rolled his eyes. Of course, someone would fuck that up. Saying that about the Joker - especially with the challenge of fear - was practically inviting him in. And as he expected, the door to the Dead End swung open not a minute later.
Joker strolled in, physically unable to stop himself from making a dramatic entrance. He wore a strangely modified children's backpack with tubes that led to nozzles beneath his sleeves. Suddenly, Mask was very thankful for the fact that his titular mask had a filter system. Joker Venom - what the pack was undoubtedly filled with - wasn't something you willingly messed around with.
Surprisingly, Joker wasn't accompanied by anyone. As deranged and twisted as he was, Mask knew he operated on certain expectations. Not a code, per se, but whatever happened to be the funniest or most dramatic option. Perhaps he was alone because the rest of them were and no one expected him to be. Or perhaps he just wanted to make any victory he gained that much sweeter.
"Why, hello, fools and idiots," Joker grinned, baring teeth that were just a touch too sharp. "Funny meeting you all here~ Such an unlikely cast of characters~ Is this a party I wasn't invited to~? Shame, shame~…"
"I don't see any fool here but you," Riddler glowered.
"What was that~?" The grin on Joker's face grew.
"Y-You heard me, fool!" Riddler shot back, stuttering slightly.
Joker laughed a harsh sound that hurt the ears of anyone who heard it, "Wonderful~! I always liked you, Edward. So smart. Why, you almost remind me of myself in certain ways~"
Riddler recoiled, "I'm nothing like you! Oh, God! Don't say something like that!"
Joker leaned forward in place, facing down the entire bar without a hint of fear, "Oh, but isn't it true~…?"
"Enough," Sean cut him off. "You don't get to harass my patrons, clown."
"Mr. Barkeep…" Joker snarled, flipping his mood completely in an instant. "Feeling big in the britches, are we? I told you I'd be back~ Are you surprised~? Scared~? Shaking behind that cool, collected persona of yours~?"
"Hardly," Sean scoffed. "I let you back in. I knew you couldn't resist crashing this party. Everyone did. You're getting predictable."
"You take that back right the fuck now!@#!" Pure rage shook the Joker from head to toe. It would have been comical out of context. As it was, the villains and crime lords at the table couldn't help but shy away.
"Eat me," Sean taunted. "What, can't even take a bit of shit talk? Are your little feelies hurt, JJ~?"
For a moment more, Joker shook. Then he stopped so abruptly Mask thought he was hallucinating. Joker's trademark grin returned, "I'm going to enjoy destroying everything you hold dear, Mr. Barkeep. You'll beg. Beg me to spare you even the littlest crumb. And I will. Just so you can rebuild and I can come back to do it all over again~"
Sean shook his head slowly, "That's not what's going to happen here. I only let you back into the Dead End because you're never going to leave. This is where the Joker meets his end. I hope you've made your peace-… Actually, I don't care. You're going to die here either way."
Baffled, Joker glanced at Batman who was sitting like a statue at the table, "You're just gonna let him get away with that, Batsy?"
Batman stared Joker down but didn't say a word. Or move a muscle. Mask was half-sure he wasn't even breathing. Joker waved his hand off to the side in confusion, testing to see if the hero was frozen or something. A Batarang flashed out to trim Joker's fingernails before anyone could blink, the only indication Batman was still just as capable as ever.
"He doesn't have a choice in the matter," Sean explained. "Your time has come and Death is calling collect, Joker."
He shook his head, tutting softly, "You really shouldn't have threatened the Dead End. We would have left you to your little jokes. But you did. You fucked around. So you're about to find out."
"You and what army?!" Joker snapped. It was the first time Mask had seen him off-guard. Batman sitting back and abiding a death was a first. Enough to put Joker off his rhythm.
"Really?" Sean deadpanned. "Look around you. You've made no shortage of enemies. Can you honestly tell me that a single person here would have any reason NOT to kick your ass?"
Looking around, that truth was plainly clear to see. Every villain was glaring at the Joker. The crime lords were more cautious but all of them now had pistols lying on the table in front of them.
Two-Face did something similar, loudly racking the slide of his firearm. Mask himself wasn't far behind either, holding his under the table. Riddler and Penguin had their canes out, slapping them menacingly against their palms. Catwoman 'casually' checked her claws. A freeze-ray sat in Mister Freeze's hands, his wife firmly behind him. Clayface was already shifting his malleable clay physiology into weapons.
Out of all of the glaring villains, none could match Harley and Ivy. Harley was already standing on top of her chair, her trademark mallet produced from seemingly nowhere. She was focused on Joker so hard that her eye was twitching.
Ivy had taken over the entire wooden table where the meeting had taken place. With her power, it morphed and grew. A wooden golem to match Clayface stood behind her. Standing in her shadow, the strangely ripped golem matched her arms-crossed posture.
Mask could have sworn he heard ghostly music emanating from the background whenever he looked at her, "GIOGIO~! GOLDEN WIND~!"
"I don't need an army anyway," Sean shook his head. "But I've promised Harley I'd let her get the first shot at you. And it seems the others want a piece as well. He's all yours, fellas. Don't worry. I'll handle the clean-up."
"Fine!" Joker's grin grew even more wild and manic as he made a show of shaking himself limber. "You wanna dance?! Let's dance!"
He tried to seize the initiative. Fanning his arms in wide arcs, Joker let loose with his famous Venom. Nothing happened. He blinked in surprise, pulling the unseen trigger a few more times to no avail.
Pausing for a moment, he pulled the backpack from his back to check it. Instantly, it exploded in a puff of impossibly comical black smoke. When it cleared, the Joker was left standing there with a face full of soot that obscured his usual clown makeup.
"Oh, crud…"
"Get his ass, boys!" Harley let out a cackling battle cry.
The Dead End descended into chaos. The crime lords and villains with guns opened fire at the Joker. Mask put a few shots down range as well but he didn't spray his whole magazine like some of his peers.
Not a single bullet touched the Joker. He 'danced' his way out of danger. Not agilely. Nor nimbly or even quickly. If anything his movements were clumsy. Yet absurdly effective all the same.
He tripped this way and that. His arms wheeled like a cartoon character to keep himself from falling. He jumped and twirled like a silly ballerina, only to face fault and scramble back to his feet in an instant. Every improbably clumsy dodge kept him perfectly out of harm's way.
"This the best you got~?" Joker taunted. "I could do this in my sleep! You'll never kill a clown like me unless it's funny!"
A clod of clay flung from Clayface made Joker trip and roll - quite literally - head over heels. When he sprang to his feet, he was met with a new problem. Though the gunfire stopped, it was immediately replaced by something else.
Practically as one mind, Riddler and Penguin swung at him with their canes. Riddler went high, Penguin went low. Joker jumped, somehow doing the limbo in mid-air.
He cackled, "Now, that's more like it! You've really got to work on your follow-through though, Riddler my dear~"
Then came Ivy's golem. It moved like the Flash and punched like Superman. Punch after punch after punch, it was all Joker could do to keep improbably falling out of the way.
"Muda muda muda muda muda muda~!" The standing golem cried.
Each impact against thin air sounded like a gunshot. Even as the golem missed, vines grew from nothing, striving to entangle the Joker. More and more, Ivy's plants grew until there was physically nowhere else for Joker to dodge clumsily.
As he was finally entangled, the golem vanished. It was instantly replaced by Harley. Her comically-sized hammer cocked back, she leaped into the space the golem just occupied. With the wrath of a wronged goddess, Harley continued right where the golem had left off.
"MUUUU-MOTHERFUCKING-DAAAA~!" She roared, swinging her mallet with all her might.
All Joker saw was an unstoppable freight train bearing down on him before he was flattened by Harley's swinging hammer. An explosion rocked the bar. The Joker flew, pirouetting through the air more like a children's toy than a person. He hit the wall hard, ricocheting and ragdolling onto the floor.
Never able to resist the bit - even when very nearly incapacitated -, Joker released a gag from his pocket. A pair of 'birds' circled his head, tweeting merrily to illustrate his daze.
"Did… Did anyone get the number of the truck that hit me…?" Joker asked woozily.
No one laughed. Which only made the situation funnier in Mask's mind. Sean walked over to stand above the Joker. After the damage Harley had done to him, Joker could barely move. But he still couldn't resist one last quip.
With shaky hands, he pulled an obvious prop gun from inside his jacket, pointing it up at Sean, "Ya… feelin' lucky… punk?"
Joker's trademark grin was weak as he moved to pull the trigger. Sean casually kicked out at the gun as he did. He didn't even take his hands out of his pockets.
The Joker's eyes widened but as weak and dazed as he was, he couldn't stop what was about to happen. The gun came to rest beneath his chin just as his finger finished squeezing the trigger.
There was a bang. A pop. But one that was out of place for a gunshot. Again, it seemed more like a prop sound than anything real. That air of fakeness didn't extend to the very real results.
Smoke drifted from the place where the muzzle and skin coincided. Joker's face froze in a rictus of shock and horror. Still grinning, his eyes told most of that story. A prop flag - saying 'Bang!' - pierced up through his skull to pop comedically out the top of his head.
And with one final joke, the Joker fell dead.
Chapter 14
[AN: You can skip the second half of this chapter if you want to avoid smut (for whatever reason)
Also, credit to Roy Marax on my for the mirror idea. I really like how it turned out.]
"Oh, no you don't. You aren't going anywhere, clown," Sean said, grabbing a firm hold of Joker's soul as it tried to leave his body. "Didi! You wanna come take a look at this?"
Didi joined him at his side, standing over the Joker's body. She looked closely at the space where Sean seemed to be holding onto nothing.
She hummed, "Hmm… Now, isn't this a sight for sore eyes…"
Together, the pair focused on whatever it was they were doing, ignoring the rest of the bar. The villains and crime lords (and Batman) were left to watch and react accordingly to everything in the scene, both what had already happened and what was still playing out.
Most of them were stunned silent by how anticlimactic the Joker's death was. They didn't know how to feel. This was THE JOKER. They… expected more. More damage. More power. Some grand confrontation between him and Mr. Barkeep. Something.
Yet, somehow, this ending seemed to fit better than any final confrontation would have. The Joker had gone out on a gag. His own gag, at that. That was all the consideration a monster like the Joker should have been given. And just like that, alongside his body, a portion of his legend… DIED.
"After talkin' all that shit… He really went out like a bitch," Two-Face muttered crassly in the silence that followed the Joker's final death.
"About time, if you ask me," Penguin said, lighting up a celebratory smoke. If there was one thing worth smoking for, it was the death of the Joker.
"Is that… really it…?" Riddler asked in hesitant disbelief.
"He's come back before," Batman stated plainly. "With the Joker, it's never over."
Before all of their eyes - as if to prove Batman wrong -, the Joker's body completely dissolved. Nothing remained. And then something that could only be considered his soul appeared in Sean's grasp. The ghostly Joker tapped his foot impatiently, looking utterly pissed and knowing there was nothing he could do about what was happening to him.
"Uh… You sure about that one, Bats~?" Harley asked. Her grin could have been seen from space.
After whacking the Joker like she did and watching him off himself, Harley was sure she'd never feel this sort of rush again. Pure, simple, cathartic glee filled a hole in her soul. And it seemed that Gothboy wasn't done with Joker's punishment just yet. Seeing him with a stranglehold on the Joker's literal heart certainly filled Harley with all sorts of warm fuzzies.
Sean's hand was buried in the Joker's ghostly chest, clutching the very core of his soul. Normally, after death, Didi would come and escort the souls to whatever afterlife awaited them. From the most benevolent souls to the most evil, it made no difference to Didi. Everyone deserves someone to be there for them at the End of it all.
Unless… Unless they tried to cheat Death. Even if that was the case, Didi would still show up. The cheaters simply wouldn't enjoy her presence like everyone else did. Didi could be surprisingly petty. Vindictive, even.
If there was one thing she hated in all of existence, it was those who cheated her concept personally. Not the souls who were merely resuscitated after a near-death experience. There had to be intent, premeditation, or a desire to go against her natural order behind the action of cheating her.
The Joker had all of those qualities in spades. He thought himself above Death. Time and time again, his legend stole him from Didi's clutches. Everything from preparing a way to avoid his final demise to simply being 'lucky'. But one thing never changed throughout all of his deaths. The Joker didn't respect Death. Not a single bit.
A strange thing, especially for someone who had dealt so much of the concept to others. But in the Joker's mind, he was a sane man in an insane world. The idea of staying dead wasn't any less insane than anything else. He thought himself above Death. After all, who else would do what he did?
Didi didn't much care for his delusions - of grandeur or control. In the end, he wasn't above Death. Nothing was. The End came for all things eventually. Death would be there when the universe went out. And she would be there when it was born all over again.
Here she was, with the Joker's soul in front of her. She'd met him before. Once when he was born. Nearly countless times since he became the Joker. He didn't recognize her. He shouldn't. Death took many forms. The one he would recognize was the one she saved for those problem children of Death.
When she looked at his soul, Didi saw one thing. A cheater. For that was what Joker was above everything else. Someone who thought the rules shouldn't and didn't apply to him.
Usually, he'd be somewhat right. Existence favored him. He and his legend were part of a greater narrative. And he would keep slipping through Didi's fingers for as long as that was true. She could punish him all she wanted but his legend - backed by the greater narrative - would find a way to cheat Death.
He knew this. He'd been through this song and dance before. Even now, he thought himself better than all of this. Thought this was unnecessary. That nothing they could do would change anything, harm anything. He was untouchable, especially now after Death.
Only this time, that wasn't the End of the story. Death wasn't alone anymore. Her Hand stood by her side. The song and dance had changed. Death now had a partner. She didn't have to dance with someone who wouldn't cooperate.
Sean Caine placed the call for her. He'd delivered the problem child directly into her hands. This time, Didi didn't have to strain against existence itself to fulfill the duty of her concept. Even the greater narrative couldn't stand in the way. Not when an Out-of-Context wrench entered the wheels.
And so, Didi… dissuaded the Joker of that arrogant, grandiose opinion of his. For him alone, her 'punishment form' leaked through to confront his soul. A writhing mass of tentacle-like bones shadowed her in his vision. Her hair floated on an intangible wind. Her face was stripped bare as sunken skeletal eyes stared directly into the Joker's soul. A promise burned there, a guarantee of unavoidable Ending, Demise, Quietus… Death.
Contrary to reason or good sense, the Joker just smirked at Didi. Now, he recognized her. And he taunted in the face of Death. Like a self-important, cheating fool.
Sean squeezed the Joker's 'heart'. He winced at that. But the grin on his face only grew. Mad bastard. Even Delirium wouldn't like him. Not with the way he claimed to be 'sane'. Yes, Didi was going to enjoy this.
"You've cheated Death a few too many times," Didi murmured softly. As she did, her form flickered into the stuff of deadly nightmares.
The Joker opened his mouth to retort. Nothing came out. He didn't even notice, waxing on and on in his own little world. The arrogance was astounding. He truly thought he could talk back to Death. Didi bristled. For once, she could safely say she was growing very… vexed.
"How do you want to do this, Didi?" Sean asked, reminding Didi that she wasn't alone and grounding her slightly.
She let out a long, controlled breath, "I believe… we will have to take matters into our own hands. I don't trust him to any of the afterlives. When it comes to him, they leak like sieves, apparently."
"What are we doing then?" Sean deferred to her. "You've got the reins here. I'll go along with whatever you come up with."
Didi hummed consideringly, "Hmm… Perhaps…? No. What about…? Not quite. Hmm."
All the while, Joker's ghost hadn't stopped talking. He looked to be on act two of a solo play by now. Hamlet, it seemed. The Yorick monologue scene. No one questioned where he'd gotten the skull he was talking to. Or how he'd gotten so deep in the play so quickly. That was the Joke, after all.
Eying the Joker's ghost, Didi came to a decision, "If he wishes to perform, I say we let him. Let him and let him never be heard again. Yes, like a jester who is no longer in on the bit. His jokes will fall on deaf ears and the only humor to be had from him will be his pathetic visage."
"Sounds fitting," Sean nodded, chuckling. "What do you need me to do?"
"Could you handle the physical vessel?" Didi requested. "A mirror, I think. Behind the bar. So we don't have to look at him. He'll be stuck in a world of reflection, never able to touch the real world again.
"Let him tell his jokes to unflinching mirror images. Let him enjoy the Dead End he hates so much without being able to do anything to affect it. Let him become nothing more than an exhibit, a clown on display."
The Joker's act came to a screeching silent halt. He stared at Didi, only now with horror and shock coming across his face. She paid him no mind. Unlike him, she didn't feel the need to taunt. Her solution would be punishment enough.
For a man, a monster like the Joker, Didi had just given a sentence worse than Death. Not merely because he could escape Death eventually. He'd done so before and he was confidently wrong that he could do so again. But to be stuck, to be laughed at, to be the butt of the joke? Even if he escaped, he would never live it down.
An already crumbling legend crumbled faster. An unstoppable avalanche. From the most dangerous man in the world to a clown on display. A joke. And not one he was telling himself.
As Sean went to work shifting the bar to fit Didi's request, Didi took hold of the Joker's soul. Cold, uncaring Death stared the Joker in the 'face', a rarely seen aspect of Didi in person. For the first time, the Joker flinched.
He saw an uncomfortable eternity trapped in a mirror. And one day, he saw himself being forgotten. The moment when someone walked into the Dead End and didn't recognize him, didn't fear him. The first small part of him withered and died at the vision.
Under the watchful eyes of Gotham's villains, crime lords, and Batman, the Joker was led to his final resting place. A grand mirror stretched along the length of the wall behind the bar. Sean's trophies sat in front of it, obscuring the view and adding further insult to injury. The interior of the Dead End was reflected in the mirror. Everyone could see themselves. The only thing missing was the place where Didi was holding the Joker's ghost. There, only thin air could be seen.
Joker had experienced this kind of atmosphere before. It was the same as when he was walked to the electric chair. The final march toward Death. Only this time, he wouldn't be cheating it. Lady Death was the one to lead this march personally.
A chill ran down his spine. He found he couldn't move. Not an inch. Not whatever passed for muscles in this ghostly form. His soul was stuck. Held fast in Death's grip. There would be no escape. Only now did that certainly fall into place for the Joker.
A sobering silence fell over the bar. The audience heard Didi and Sean plot the Joker's punishment. And more than a few of them knew Didi. So when she was this serious? This cold, calculating, and vindictive? No one dared stand in her way.
They likely wouldn't even if they did dare. The only one who would stand up for the Joker was Batman. Due to his (quite frankly) flawed code against heroes killing villains. But even he wouldn't interfere in this situation.
As unbending as his conviction not to kill was, he knew this wasn't a place he could hope to step in. Heroes didn't kill. But Didi and Sean weren't heroes. Nor were any of the villains or crime lords who led up to the Joker's death.
If anyone had a right to decide who lived and died, it was Didi. Death of the Endless. The quite literal embodiment of Death.
Batman was many things. But he wasn't someone who rejected the concept of Death altogether. Just when it came to heroes who thought themselves above the laws even as they enforced them. And in this situation, the Joker was being punished by Death. He wouldn't be escaping the justice he deserved. That helped mellow Batman's resentment for being made to stand aside.
Sean stood at Didi's side before the mirror, "Wanna say anything?"
Didi shook her head softly, "No. This isn't an occasion to be celebrated. It's simply long overdue. And I certainly don't want to give him any last words."
"Probably a good choice," Sean smiled sadly. "To the Joker, I suppose. He won't be missed."
With that, Didi stepped forward. Holding the Joker's frozen soul in her hand, she pressed him into the mirror. For the Joker, reality reversed, flipped, mirrored. Suddenly, he could move again. But try as he might, silently screaming and banging his fists, he couldn't leave his side of the mirror.
In the real world, Didi sighed, "As much as he deserves this, I do dislike being so strict. It makes me feel so cruel. So… unclean."
"You're nothing of the sort," Sean reassured, slinging an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.
Didi's lips quirked upward, "I suppose I'll just have to take my Hand at his word."
"When have I ever led you astray?"
"Knowing you, I'm sure it's only a matter of time."
"Perish the thought! I'd sooner die!" Sean declared, clutching his heart like a man who'd been struck.
Didi smiled fondly, "Then I suppose it's a good thing you have Death on your side."
Sean laughed, "I suppose it is." Sobering slightly, he asked, "Feeling better?"
Didi hugged him in reply, "I am. It feels much better to have someone to reassure me after difficult decisions like this."
"Good. Because it looks like Harley is about to drag us off and have her wicked way with us as thanks for finally dealing with the Joker," Sean warned.
Just as he said, Harley was coming at them in a very familiar stance. A diabolical grin showed on her face. At once giddy, horny, and full of gratitude, anyone who knew Harley knew what was coming next.
Didi let out a shriek and giggle, hiding behind Sean, "Eek! Save me, Dear!"
Sean shared a grin with Harley, unseen by Didi, "Hmm… No, I think I'll help her."
He turned and swept her into his arms to playful laughter and token resistance. Sean knew it was exactly what she needed right now. Something to take her mind off the Joker. Sean wouldn't let her tear herself up over this so this opportunity was a welcome reprieve.
To the rest of the bar, he announced, "Alright, show's over! Thank you to everyone for coming. Now, get the Hell out of my bar before I make you!"
"Giddy up, Gothboy~!" Harley chimed in, hopping on his back and treating him like her steed. "Forward~! Screw these guys! Let's show Didi how loved she is~!"
Spurred on by Harley's insistence, Sean didn't give the guests the chance to leave. Enforcing a temporary rule on his domain, they were forcibly ejected. Between one moment and the next, the villains, crime lords, and Batman found themselves standing on the curb outside the Dead End.
Even Freeze and Nora were forced out. But considering what was about to happen inside the Dead End, they all considered it fair enough. The only ones spared were Ivy and Vicki. For Ivy, the reason was obvious. But Vicki was left wondering why she was being included. Harley's thrown costume hit her in the face, silencing her before she could protest. And just like that, the ambitious reporter was taken along for the ride as a voyeur.
On the curb, the ejected guests blinked, adjusting to the sudden change in their surroundings. Still shell-shocked by the Joker's final demise, they were mostly silent. Then Catwoman started to chuckle. It quickly turned into full-blown, belly-clutching laughter.
"What's so funny?" Two-Face asked gruffly.
"They-! They-!" Catwoman managed to force out between giggles. "They're going to fuck in there~!" The others just looked at her queerly.
"And? I didn't think your sense of humor was so immature, Selina," Riddler commented.
Catwoman was still losing it but she eventually explained why that was so funny to her, "The Joker's still in there~! All he'll be able to do is watch~!" She wheezed, "He'll just have to sit there as Harley makes him into a cuck~!"
Her words caused some pause. Penguin was the first to join her in laughter. It started a chain reaction. Soon enough, villains were rolling around on the sidewalk, clutching their sides at the mental image Catwoman painted.
Impassive as ever, Batman stood there as if he disapproved. Inside, however, he was only moments away from joining his Rogue's gallery. If he wasn't on duty, he likely wouldn't have been able to stop himself. That was certainly one way to serve justice. It seemed Joker's crimes against Harleen Quinzel would be the first he answered for during his long, long stay in the Dead End.
In the mirror prison for his soul, the Joker could only watch in complete and utter horror. He couldn't even look away. Everywhere he looked seemed to reflect the outside world and the cruel, cruel joke on him that was playing out there.
His masterpiece was now for someone else to enjoy. His greatest joke turned back on him. His right hand served another man. She was never his. Everyone but the Joker had known as much already. This just proved it, hammering the idea through his thick, delusional, makeup-caked skull. Hell went by a different name for the Joker: Dead End.
Contrary to what one might believe, the real-world inhabitants of the Dead End didn't give a single iota of care for the Joker at the moment. His cucking was just a side-effect. One that went mostly ignored by those living in the moment.
The only one who gave him a second thought was Harley. She took a wicked pleasure in adding to his punishment like this. Served the bastard right, as far as she was concerned. For everything he'd done to her, he deserved to SUFFER.
But even to Harley, the nonconsensual cuck didn't linger on her mind. He was just an accidental benefit to the venue they'd chosen. She would have thanked Didi and Gothboy just as readily without him. Within seconds, the Joker was forgotten, relegated to cuck status as the bastard deserved. Yet another portion of his legend DIED.
IIIII
Harley stripped herself out of her costume as fast as lightning. One moment, she was clothed, and the next she was clinging, nearly naked, to Gothboy's back.
Spoiler: More Harley
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Somehow, she did so without dislodging herself from her perch. The only hint of movement from Harley was the famous cartoon gag that usually accompanied a scuffle, complete with a cloud of smoke that completely obscured her from view.
'Heh, suck it, you dead-ass loser,' Harley thought vindictively, using the technique taught to her by the Joker to further his torment.
Almost instantly after that thought, she put him out of her mind completely. Let him watch. He wasn't even worth the energy it would take to torture in Harley's mind. Other than what she'd already done. A girl's gotta have fun, of course.
Harley slipped off Gothboy's back. Once on her feet, she shimmied out of her panties and took her two partners by the hands. Ivy took it upon herself to mold a bed of leaves from the remains of the wooden table in the center of the bar. Harley shot her a grateful glance.
Then she exclaimed, "C'mon, Didi~! I wanna teach you how to properly worship Gothboy's cock~! It's a doozy so you'll need my guidance~!"
She helped Didi out of her clothes. They started to disappear from Didi's form halfway through the process but Harley didn't even blink. That just made things easier! Gothboy did the same for himself, revealing that gorgeously intimidating monster of his to the world again. It was already starting to stand on its own as he lay back on Ivy's bed.
Spoiler: More Didi
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Harley couldn't help but lick her lips. Come to Momma~! Big, long, and thick enough to ruin a girl~! Sexy enough to leave her gasping for breath~! And hard enough to break her mind and make her see God~! Fuck yeah, Gothboy~! Let's put that stupidly-huge, bitch-breaking, twat-throbbing, cunny-crushing cock of yours to good use~!
On the sidelines, Vicki's mouth fell open, and hung there in disbelief and shock, "How…?!"
Ivy whispered seductively in her ear, "Impressive, isn't it~? So much masculine power in a single member~ And I promise, it's just as good as it looks~ You'll be on your knees, begging for your new god before you know it~"
"H-How…" Vicki whimpered. "How does that monster not kill a woman…?"
"Sean has… WAYS… of making it fit pleasurably inside you~" Ivy promised. "I feared the same thing at first~ But after he gets his hands on you… That worry starts to feel rather silly~…"
"… I'm going to die with a stupid little smile on my face," Vicki realized.
"What part of 'mind-breaking sex' made you think any differently~?" Ivy chuckled, her voice rumbling with a sultry purr.
Though they were relegated to the sidelines for this particular 'showing', neither minded all that much. Vicki because she was still getting used to the idea of being included in the Dead End. Voyeurism was more than enough to sate her desires for now.
And Ivy because even days after her first time, she was still a bit tender. Sean really did a number on her. She'd come back for seconds soon enough but for now, she was content to seduce the beautifully ambitious, big-haired reporter with a body to kill for.
Ivy made them a loveseat out of leaves and vines. She pulled Vicki down next to her, cuddling close. From here, they would watch the show with eager intent. Ivy prepared to whisper more sweet seductions into Vicki's ears. She knew Harley would expect nothing less from her.
On the bed Ivy had made for the active trio, Didi found herself coming face-to-face with a weapon. A giant pillar of pulsing flesh. An utterly intimidating beast. From her perspective, it was all she could focus on. It and the man it was attached to, at least.
Looking past the beast, Didi saw Sean looking down at her with fond, amused eyes. She could scarcely imagine the expression that must have been on her face. Something open-mouthed, most likely.
Sean's manhood was just that impressive. Masculine and attractive in a powerful, intimidating way that she had trouble reconciling with. Didi was no stranger to the mechanical side of sexual intercourse. She knew logically that Sean's cock was quite large. But there was a difference when it was standing tall right before her eyes.
Her eyes traced along its shaft, running up and down the imposing length. Every inch of it called out to her. Every vein and brutally attractive line. Something inside Didi was practically begging to explore the wonderful weapon of desire and sex.
So she did. Her hands reached out slowly. A featherlight touch grazed Sean's shaft. She felt it twitch. Beside her, Harley was vibrating with excitement. Didi could feel her naked body alongside hers. Harley watched with rapturous attention, so eager and excited to be guiding Didi into this new experience.
"That's it~" Harley cooed. "It won't bite ya~ You've held it before at least, right~? Try it now~ See how big it looks in your delicate little fingers~"
Didi followed Harley's instructions. Her hand wrapped around Sean's girth, only encircling three-quarters of the way. So much of his impressive member remained untouched. Unconquered.
An instinct that would have been more at home in her sibling Desire pushed Didi to do just that. To conquer this beast. To take it and break herself upon it until only bliss remained.
"You're doing good, Didi," Sean reassured. "Try stroking it if you'd like. Not too hard, not too gentle. Just… Just like that. Oh, Death, yes, just like that~"
His moan filled Didi's core with pleasurable little butterflies. She'd done that to him. With just a simple touch, she'd drawn such a reaction from his throbbing tool.
To hold this much influence over the man she'd tied herself to - not just his soul or his Death, but SEAN on such a base, primal level? It made her feel powerful. So powerful. In a different way from the normal Endless feeling that Didi had always known. But somehow more potent at the same time.
"Here, gimme~!" Harley all but demanded as her excitement got the better of her. "I'll show you how to really work this thing~!"
Didi didn't mind her slight rudeness, instead just asking, "Will I be able to make Sean moan like that again?"
Harley grinned, "You know it, Didi~! With my teachings, Gothboy will be a puddle of bones for you~! He'll be moaning and groaning and begging for more~!"
Looking up at Sean, Didi saw the smirk on his face, "… Somehow, I doubt that. But I would like to try anyway."
"That's the spirit, girl~! How will we ever beat this cheating monster-cock if we don't try~? Gothboy can't be all that much better than us~!" Harley cheered.
Sean chuckled, "You haven't seen anything yet, Harley. I haven't even broken out my infamous 'Double Dragon' technique, much less the tentacles. And I'm pretty sure only Didi is remotely ready for soul-melding sex…"
"I would not be opposed to a good soul meld…" Didi mused consideringly.
Harley froze for a brief moment, showing something that might have qualified for fear on anyone else, "Please… Please! Tell me Double Dragon means what I think it does?! And tentacles~?! Don't hold out on us, Gothboy~!"
"I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself~," Sean said, in a way that promised overwhelming, 'dragon'-stuffing pleasure in Harley's future.
Harley hesitated for a moment, glancing at Didi, "… After. After Didi gets her first taste of your stupid, mind-breaking stud-cock. But you better not go easy on me~! I want you to double this dragon, buster~!"
"Sure," Sean agreed. "I just hope you're okay with being unable to move afterward."
"Okay with it?! I'm counting on it, Gothboy~!"
With renewed vigor, Harley attacked Sean's cock. She took his huge cockhead into her mouth, showing Didi what she should expect. Her tongue violently lashed his sensitive flesh. Both her hands settled just above Didi's, taking a firm grip and stroking in time with the movements of her head.
Lips stretched wide, she tried to give a lesson while she sucked stupidly-huge stud-cock, "'Ke 'dis~! 'A 'eally 'ooa woorg 't 'ood~!"
"I cannot understand a single word you're saying," Didi deadpanned.
Coming up with a gasp for air, Harley reiterated, "Like this~! You really gotta work it good~!" Then she elaborated further, "Focus on the head at first. Use your hands for the rest. Once you feel confident with it in your mouth, start bobbing your head deeper."
She paused, "Or I guess you could go the 'literal worship' route. Bathe it with your tongue and look up at him all submissively. He'll probably eat that up like pancakes and syrup~!"
"I think I'll do that," Didi considered. "Save my jaw. I don't think I've ever tested the limits of this mortal form to that extent."
"Pishaw~!" Harley exclaimed. "If a little thing like me can do it, you can too~!"
Didi nodded, "Perhaps… But I would need more practice to be comfortable with it. No, I think I'll stick to… 'worship'."
"Ooooh~! That's plenty exciting too~! C'mon, c'mon~! Let's see what you've got~!" Harley egged her on.
Didi leaned forward. Slow and calculating, she considered how to approach the monumental obstacle before her. Eventually, she settled on a simple lick. From base to tip, her tongue rose along Sean's length. Once at the top, it circled. Once, twice before descending the way it came.
Sean let his head fall back with a happy sigh. He was careful to show everything he was feeling. It would only encourage Didi at this point. And he'd learned long ago that women didn't actually like their men to be still and stoic during sex. A silent lover was a boring one.
So he made sure to show everything. He moaned. He groaned. He sighed and smiled. His cock throbbed beneath her tongue, exaggerated on purpose but still plenty genuine. He was practically doing Kegels with how hard he was flexing his pelvic muscles. All to show Didi how much he was enjoying her efforts.
His reactions came fast and flush. Didi drank them all in with an almost desperate thirst. It only made her even thirstier. She couldn't get enough of this new, intoxicating sense of power. SHE was doing this to him. SHE was the one pushing him to the edge with the merest flick of her bare tongue.
Up and down. Left and right. Didi didn't leave a single inch of Sean's cock untouched. Her tongue lashed and lavished his sensitive knob. Her lips - soft as pillows and just as plump - laid delicate kisses along his shaft. Small, oh-so-feminine hands cradled his nuts, massaging them gently as she felt Sean's essence churn and boil within.
An unstoppable heat was quickly overtaking Didi. She could feel it flare inside her core, radiating outward and leaving her so utterly aroused it almost hurt. It was a sweet, sore pain that left her muscles burned and relaxed in equal measure.
"Oh, Death…" Sean groaned, invoking her name like a reverent swear. "I freakin' love you, Didi."
Didi's heart skipped a beat. And then another as it was shocked silent. The unique physiology of this mortal form of hers kept her more than comfortable even as it did illogical things. When her heart started back up, it was with a rush. A little death wracked her body with shivers from the top of her head to her littlest toes.
She was left panting, her mouth wide open. Her tongue pressed flat against Sean's shaft as she looked up at him. An impossible expression overtook her face as quite literal hearts appeared in her eyes.
Suddenly, she popped free of his cock. Didi crawled up Sean's body until they were face to face. She clutched his cheeks, staring deeply into his eyes with shining, pulsing, heart-shaped pupils.
"Do… Do you mean that…?" Didi panted, overcome with the sheer sensation of it all.
Sean just raised an eyebrow at her, "Of course. Can't you feel it?"
"I… Haaaaa~" Didi moaned. "I needed to hear it put into words."
Sean nodded, "I love you, Didi. I think I've loved you since my second death."
"Not the first…?" Didi asked.
"I was a bit confused then," Sean smirked. "But when I met you this time for my lucky 69th, I guess you could say it was love at first sight."
"OoOOoH~!" Didi's eyelids fluttered as moaned and begged. "Inside… ! I need you inside of me, Dear~… !"
Sean helped her with that task, holding himself steady. Didi raised her hips. Sean's cock slotted perfectly between her flooding lower lips. Flush with emotion and excitement, Didi lowered herself upon his massive, heaven-splitting shaft. She had to stop and start again to allow herself to adjust and adapt but eventually, she bottomed out with her bubbly, bouncy rear in Sean's lap.
Didi paused in that position, savoring the moment. The deliciously sore, pleasurable stretching sensation and the hot hardness of Sean fully inside her. He pressed against her core, the heat of their shared arousal connecting and intertwining in the most intimate of ways.
When she finally felt ready to move, Didi found herself with a problem. She… didn't quite know what to do now. Where did she go from here? Sean had taken complete control for their first time together. That had been amazing but Didi wanted to try something different. She wanted to maintain this intoxicating sense of power over Sean's reactions. She just didn't know how…
Sean noticed Didi's hesitation. At the same time, he also noticed the third partner in their current trio off to the side. Harley was sitting on her heels, squirming in place as she nibbled at her lip. She desperately wanted to be included but didn't know how to insert herself into the situation. She didn't want to interrupt Didi's moment but she had needs too, dammit~!
Sean took it upon himself to solve both problems at once. He shifted his hips and flexed his will in a very specific way. Didi moved forward slightly, still firmly mounted on Sean's cock. Just behind her, a second cock - a perfect match for the first - sprung into existence.
Didi jumped slightly as she felt it graze her ass, "S-Sean…?!"
"Double Dragon, Dear," Sean explained before turning to Harley. "Hear that, Harley? Does this make things easier for you?"
Harley perked up dramatically, "Oh, yeah, Gothboy~! Double the trouble and now I can get in on this action~! Prepare yourself, Gothboy, because Didi and I are going to slay your Double Dragons~!"
She wasted no time sliding into place behind Didi. Her bare chest pressed up against Didi's back. She molded herself into place there until it was almost impossible to tell where Didi ended and Harley began.
Moving herself into position, Harley didn't slowly lower herself onto Sean's cock like Didi had. Instead, she THRUST herself down hard and fast. In a single leg-shaking, mind-blowing instant, Harley impaled herself to the core. Her mind shorted out, going pure white with overwhelming pleasure. But she didn't let herself break. Not yet.
Sean grunted as his pleasure was suddenly doubled. He was very familiar with this technique but it always took a few moments to get used to it again at first. Double the cocks, double the penetration, double the sensation.
Unique as they all were, Sean would never mistake one of his girls for another. Didi was soft around his original cock. So soft, so malleable, he could already feel himself molding her insides into his shape. Harley, on the other hand, was tight. So. Fucking. Tight! She was practically strangling his second cock, just as sensitive as the first. He could feel every single little flex and movement of her around him. Both of them were exquisite in their own ways.
It took a few long moments for Harley to adjust to her sudden, overwhelming, blissful fullness. But she did eventually, with a shiver that passed through Sean's nerves to be felt in his spine.
Peeking out over Didi's shoulder, Harley sported a wicked grin, "You're a Didi-blessed godsend, Gothboy~!"
"Quite literally," Sean chuckled.
"D-Damn… straight… !" Didi stuttered, still spiraling with arousal and relatively new pleasure.
Harley hugged herself tightly to Didi, "C'mon, Didi~! Let's show you how to RIDE~!"
Sean was content to lay back on his elbows and let the girls take the lead. He knew this was what Didi wanted at the moment. She was essentially still a virgin, exploring this new world that he'd 'introduced' to her.
Of course, to Sean, it was an utter shame and a blessing that no one else seemed to appreciate Didi in this universe. Their loss. Didi was his now. They had so much for him to catch her up on and an Endless existence to explore even more.
Harley all but glued herself to Didi. From there, she began to guide her. To teach her how best to do this for Sean's pleasure and her own. Harley showed Didi the sexual ropes in the way she did best: unending physicality.
Harley raised herself up along Sean's cock. Didi followed her. They were completely and utterly in synch, even down to the shudders of ecstasy that ran through their bodies.
Though Harley would rather break right out the gate with a sprint, her movements were slow. Gentle. Purposeful. She let Didi adjust at her own pace, merely enjoying the warmup for herself.
And what a warmup it was~! Gothboy was massive and hot inside her. He stretched Harley to her limits yet somehow never made it seem uncomfortable. Just how she liked it~! As much as she liked a bit of pain with her pleasure, she preferred it that way when she was already in the thick of it. This fit was perfect for their warmup.
Every rise off Gothboy's cock left a scorching trail in its wake. Every fall quenched the trail with even more heat. Oppressive and pressing down on every inch of her inner walls at once, it was delicious. Harley was left shuddering and sighing. She could feel the same blissful reactions from Didi.
Reaching the base, she rolled her hips, driving Didi to do the same. Despite the fact that it seemed like they had the initiative, Sean's cock was practically bullying them.
It spread them, split them apart so completely they could barely think. It conquered them from dripping petals to pulsing needy wombs. Their poor little pussies couldn't do anything but cling on for dear life~!
"God. Damn! This is some good dick…" Harley muttered, her eyes fluttering closed.
When she opened them again, she saw Gothboy smirking back at her. Oh, that was it~! This means war~! She fixed a scowl on her face and kicked it into second gear. Surely, Didi could handle that much.
Faster and faster, the two of them rode Sean's monster cocks. Up and down, over and over again. Harley took the lead. Didi was all but putty against her body, moaning and mewling and just following along.
Yeah, you feelin' it now, Gothboy~?! We'll wipe that stupid sexy smirk off your face~! Don't get so cocky~! Heh… cocky. Double cocky. Man, this Double Dragon thing was awesome~! Harley almost wished she could get both of these monsters to herself~!
With two women atop him, riding in synch, Sean was a good way up the stairway to heaven. Sure, he didn't show it on his face. But that was because he knew it would piss Harley off. And a pissed-off Harley was a passionate Harley. He'd be a fool to do anything else.
Still, two contrasting sensations hugged his cock, gripping and pulling pleasure from his duplicated nerves. One soft as silk. Another tight as a vise. Both Harley and Didi were hot enough to scald and wet enough that he slid in and out with ease. He just laid back, more than happy to let Harley lead for Didi's sake.
Didi was lost in blissful ecstasy. So full. So empty. So full all over again. Her mind fluttered and fluttered, spiraling in a dance of sheer Nirvana. Her inner walls stretched and suckled around every inch of Sean's mind-breaking cock. It almost felt like her womb dropped to kiss the tip with each rolling thrust.
Yet even as blissfully dazed as she was, she made sure to keep her focus on Sean's reactions. He had a smug little smirk on his face for Harley. But Didi could still see the twitches and shudders that wracked his body beneath the cool facade. Every one of them sparked a new flickering flame inside her.
She was led along by Harley. As if Didi was just as submissive as she was dominant at the moment. And - Oh, me~! - They were going faster! Joined at the hip, Harley drove both of them along in a vigorous ride.
Didi felt herself coming undone again and again. She felt the same from Harley behind her. Only Sean held out against their shared ecstasy. Even then, she could feel him throbbing harder and harder inside her as the ride continued.
The world was a mess of flashes and brand-new colors. Didi couldn't tell if they were merely in her mind or if their threesome coupling was affecting the reality around them. With Sean, she wouldn't dismiss the latter as impossible.
She felt herself in freefall. She felt herself soaring. A ride to end all others. Didi tried to hold out. She really did. Her inexperience shined through. She felt herself faltering even as Harley drove them even faster.
"N-N-No more~… !" Didi whimpered. It took all the strength she had left to get out those two little words.
Harley wasn't one to let her quit. Sean could feel that Didi was at her limit. She technically could have modified her mortal form to exceed those limits. But not while her mind was in such a messy, fucked-stupid state.
So Sean spared Didi. Only after giving her the full experience, of course. With an impressive show of control, Sean grunted and only one of his cocks came. For Didi, he let his emotions show on his face again. She watched with euphoric glee as she was filled and creampied.
It was the signal her mind needed for a job well done. Didi let herself relax. She fell forward into Sean's waiting arms. Harley paused in surprise for a moment. She didn't realize how overwhelmed Didi was by their coupling. Only now did she stop to remember that - paradoxically - she had much more experience than the Endless.
"'M sowwy…" Didi mumbled weakly, nuzzling into Sean's chest.
"Shhh~ You did great for only your second time. You'll do better next time," Sean soothed her with a promise.
Sean lifted her off his cock and set her at his side on the bed. Didi didn't have the strength to resist at all. She was like a limp sack, empty of bones and full of pleasure. All she could do was whine and curl up on the bed to recover.
Harley stared at her sheepishly, "Uh… Oops?"
Sean fixed her with a stern look. He wasn't mad, per se. Harley hadn't meant any harm. Quite the opposite. She only wished to help. But she'd gone a little too far. So she still needed to be… corrected.
"You have to be more careful, Harley," He chastised. "I think I'll need to hammer that sense of caution into your head."
"How are you gonna do that, Gothboy…?" Harley asked hesitantly.
A wicked grin flashed across Sean's face and Harley knew fear. Before she could react, Sean pushed himself up, changing their position and the dynamic between them with it. Harley ended up on her back, staring up at Sean as he kneeled over her.
His second cock was still buried inside her. The original stood just above it. It shadowed Harley's stomach from her pussy to her navel, threatening and amazing Harley at the same time with the show of how much stud-cock she currently had inside her.
Not done yet, Sean grabbed Harley by her hips and twisted. With a squeak, Harley found herself lying prone and facedown on the bed. The sudden shifting of Sean's cock made her eyes flutter and her mind stutter. Before she could adjust, she felt something familiarly massive poke her back door.
"Wait, wait, wait~! C-Can't we talk about this, Gothboy~?!" Harley exclaimed. Tellingly though, She didn't make a single move to try and get away. If anything, she pushed herself back onto Gothboy's cock slightly.
"I don't think we can," Sean said. The calmness in his voice sent shivers up Harley's spine. "Maybe this will teach you a thing or two about proper caution."
"It won't fiIIITTTTT~! AAAAAIIIIIII~!" Harley squealed.
Sean pushed forward. Her rim didn't give at first. But it quickly surrendered to the unstoppable force assaulting the gates to her guts. Harley's asshole stretched and stretched and stretched until, impossibly, the head of Gothboy's cock popped into her ass.
A monstrous shudder wracked Harley's body. One to match the monstrous cock invading her backdoor. Harley let out a great moan, muffled only by the fact she was now biting the leaves that made up the makeshift bed.
Oh, fuck~! Oh, fuck, that was big~! There was the pain she liked with her pleasure~! She wouldn't be able to sit down for a week~! And Harley LOVED it~!
"Please tell me that was, like, half…?" Harley groaned.
Sean leaned down to whisper in her ear, "That was just the tip~"
"OooOOooHHh, fuuuuck~!" Harley whimpered. "This is how I die~…"
"But what a way to go."
What a way indeed~! Gothboy pushed forward more. Inch after inch, his cock slid into her ass with ease. Covered in Didi's slick juices and with a little help from sex magic, Harley found that she had no problem taking a proverbial baseball bat up her ass.
Part of that was due to her natural stretchiness. Most of it was thanks to Sean. He wasn't so cruel to jump straight into anal without preparation, despite how it might have seemed that way to Harley. He knew a few spells for this exact purpose and he made sure to cast them discreetly as he made his 'entrance'.
Before she knew it, Harley felt Gothboy's pelvis pressed against her butt. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding.
If she thought she was full before, she didn't know jack~! This fullness was easily twice, no, three times as much in Harley's mind. Oh, God, it was delicious~! Such a good stretch, sore and pleasurable at the same time~! She wanted more~!
"T-That all you got, Gothboy~?" Harley taunted.
With a growl, Sean wrapped a free hand around her throat. Harley choked. A lightning bolt struck every one of her nerves~! She was set on fire and came right there and then~!
"F-Fuck yeah, Gothboy~! That's what I'm talking about~! Choke me~! Break me~! Fuck, cummies again~!" Harley squealed, her eyes quite literally rolling back in her head for a moment.
Sean didn't waste any time on slow and gentle. On a girl like Harley, that was a wasted effort. Instead, he drew himself back and THRUST himself deep in a single motion. Immediately, he set a hard, fast pace, fucking Harley in both of her holes like she owed him money.
Harley all but came apart. Her mind fractured. Reality seemed to shatter around her. Every single button she had was slammed into and overwhelmed with sheer masculine force. She squirted, watering Ivy's bed of plants with liquid ecstasy.
Each thrust fucked her into the bed. In Harley's mind, they were hard enough to rock the whole world. They certainly did as much to her poor, horny, little body. Forget not sitting down for a week, Harley would need a Goddamn wheelchair after Gothboy was done with her~!
Harley was by no means a large woman. Gothboy enveloped her completely as he fucked her. It only added to the appeal. Same with his near-primal grunts and growls. And the hand around her throat, squeezing just tight enough to add an intoxicating sense of danger.
She quite literally couldn't stop cumming. It was AMAZING~! She felt like she was going to squirt herself to dehydration~! Eat shit, Joker, you limp-dicked bastard~! The reminder that her old tormentor couldn't do anything but watch her get the life fucked out of her sent Harley rocketing past the edge into oblivion.
She screamed. She clenched down on Gothboy's twin cocks so tightly that it was like he'd never get them back. Her mind broke beautifully, just as she'd promised to Vicki.
Then Gothboy came as well. The sudden tightness must have sent him over the edge. He buried himself deep inside her. Both of her holes. His body covered her like the studliest weighted blanket~! She couldn't move an inch and she loved every second of it~! She was completely at Gothboy's mercy~!
Rope after pulsing rope shot inside her. She could have sworn she felt every one of them, despite how impossible that was. A supernova went off in her womb. Harley's body went tense enough that she might have pulled a muscle.
Then she relaxed. So completely that it felt like her brain was leaking out of her ears. Ooooooooohh, fuuuuccckk~! She certainly knew how Didi felt now. Harley was just a puddle of overwhelmed nerves. That'd teach her a thing or two about limits.
Gothboy's orgasm waned and he pulled back. He didn't pull out of her but he propped himself up above her so he wasn't smothering her anymore. Harley whined pitifully but she still couldn't move.
Panting, Sean said, "Ahh… let that… be a lesson… to you…"
In an instant, Harley sprung back to life. Maybe it was the first hint of fatigue she'd seen in Gothboy. Maybe it was just Harley's… Harley-ness…
Either way, she seemed to recover from the brink of unconsciousness, "What if I didn't learn my lesson~?"
Sean gaped at her as she craned her neck to look up at him with a smirk, "How the Hell…?"
"Tired, Gothboy~? 'Cause of little ol' me~? And here I thought you were better than that. Can't even fuck a girl into exhaustion… Shame~"
That did it. Harley felt eager anticipation run down her spine at the look in Gothboy's eyes. She'd just awoken the beast. With another growl, Sean shifted their position again and got right back to work, trying futilely to teach Harley the 'error of her ways'.
"Weeeeee~! Doggystyle, my favorite~!" Harley cheered, utterly unrepentant. She knew she'd fall first eventually. But she wanted at least two more mind-breaking orgasms from Gothboy first~!
Chapter 15
With a grin on my face and a song in my heart, I surveyed my kingdom. Oh, that was a thought. Maybe I should see about getting live music for the bar.
Maybe I could get Black Canary to sing here. Or get John Constantine to resurrect the punk band of his youth. I think even some of the Bat Family dabbled in music. It'd be a treat to see some of them perform here.
I knew Lucifer did something similar with his bar. Though he was more one to perform himself than let others have the spotlight. I didn't want to be seen as stealing his style but a little concert here and there couldn't hurt, right?
Lucifer was someone I was well aware of. He was one of the truly omnipotent beings in this universe. He was one of two beings who could hope to match the Presence, DC's version of the biblical God - the other being his brother Michael. The whole biblical canon took place outside of time itself but he was easily as Endless as Didi and her siblings. At the same time, he was more powerful than them, especially when working with the Demiugic Force of his brother. Then, he could create entire multiverses.
Some might be concerned when they learned about him and what he was doing on Earth. Not me. I couldn't see him becoming a problem for me, Didi, or the Dead End. Game recognized game. Anyone who abandoned the celestial hierarchy to run a piano bar in LA had their head on straight in my book. I'm sure he'd feel the same about me.
So I wasn't all that concerned by Lucifer, the literal Devil. His current existence wasn't nearly as terrifying as the bible made him out to be. Who knew the book written by mortals who weren't there for the events they wrote about would be fallible?
If anything, he seemed like a cool guy. I was already considering inviting him over for a drink or two if he didn't show up unannounced first. Didi could be considered something of a distant cousin to him in some sense of the word. Relationships at the level of cosmic beings became complicated like that because technically everyone was related to existence itself.
Like I said, game recognized game. He'd probably quite like what I was doing here with the Dead End. He might even take notes. As amusing as it was to not be believed when he claimed to be who he really was, maybe he'd like to follow my example and infuse his domain with belief in his words. I'd certainly kill to be a fly on the wall when his audience realized they really were listening to the Devil play the piano and drinking his liquor.
Making a note to talk to Didi about becoming pen pals with the Devil, I went back to observing my bar. The Dead End was back in business. The regulars were back, sitting at the bar as if they'd never left. The mooks and goons followed the villains' lead. Even the unnamed masses of Gotham were coming back as word of the Joker's demise got out.
That was something that had to be seen to be believed. And with the punishment Didi and I decided on for Joker, that was actually possible when you visited the Dead End. In the mirror behind the bar, Joker's ghost could be seen by all who entered.
Red Hood was now a frequent guest at the Dead End. For reasons that were obvious to anyone who knew, he took great joy in taunting the Joker in his prison. He was straight-up savage about it too. His 'Ding Dong! The Clown is Dead!' musical number was a nice treat. I would've thought the Joker's death would leave Jason Todd slightly listless but it was just as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
The Joker was… not having the best time of it. Good. It was a punishment for a reason. He didn't deserve the peace an afterlife could offer.
Instead, he was stuck in his own personal Hell. On display for all to see. Never being able to affect anything he saw. A literal ghost to the world. Only there to be LAUGHED AT.
The mirror was something like a Horcrux. Except much more limited as Didi made it into a prison. It kept him on the verge of life and death, making it so his legend couldn't find a way to cheat Didi while it slowly faded into irrelevance.
The Joker could never hope to leave. Even if the mirror somehow broke, he would just exist in one of the shards. That didn't stop him from trying. So far, he'd knocked himself stupid several times trying to run through his side of the mirror.
He'd made less than zero progress. All he succeeded in doing was making a fool of himself and killing his legend bit by bit. No one who visited the Dead End and saw him in the mirror was scared of him anymore. Not after seeing how utterly neutered and impotent he was.
With him here, I didn't even need TVs for the bar. People watched him in the mirror as they drank. They chuckled and shouted jeering curses at him. They laughed in his face. They thanked everything holy that the infamous Joker was finally dealt with once and for all.
Of course, more people in the bar also meant more opportunities for the Joker to act up. Not to any real effect. But the Dead End's patrons were reflected in Joker's mirror prison. On multiple occasions, he tried to choke out one of the reflections or otherwise deliver his usual sadistic jokes to no avail because they were just that: reflections. Everything he did now failed to land. The only reaction he got was laughter. And not the kind he relished in.
Seeing him so helpless only helped kill his legend. Eventually, the Joker would be forgotten. He'd just be 'the clown in the Dead End's mirror'. He couldn't hurt anyone. He couldn't escape. He couldn't hope to cheat Death like he'd done so many times before. He was just a showpiece at this point. Something to be laughed at.
After our parlay, the tension in Gotham had died down by quite a bit. The city wasn't on the verge of a gang war anymore. It seemed Black Mask - who turned out to be a surprisingly reasonable guy - had come out on top with barely any blood spilled.
Sofia Falcone and her crime family were already seeking an alliance with Mask and his faction. She'd seen the way the wind was blowing and put herself on the winning side early. The other crime families were left to sink.
In my free time, I was working on the 'Colosseum of Crime', as Harley had dubbed it. Big project, that. I didn't think the city would give out permits or otherwise condone the Colosseum's existence in any way. Even in Gotham, there were limits and it seemed that an organized gladiatorial arena getting legal approval was across a few dozen lines or so.
So I didn't bother going through all the bureaucracy. I just carved out my own little pocket dimension, connected it to the Dead End's basement, and got to work there. This way, the Colosseum wouldn't technically be IN Gotham so it wouldn't fall under anyone's jurisdiction but mine. And I was sure I could convince myself to look the other way.
The finished product would be under the Dead End's banner and enjoy the same neutrality that the bar and Ivy's Ivy did. While it was turning out not to be needed for this particular conflict, it would be useful in the future.
The Colosseum was very clearly the reason for Falcone's change of heart and loyalty. She knew she couldn't hope to match Black Mask's people one-on-one. Her switching sides was what really put a nail in the coffin of the coming gang war. I expected the other three crime families to be subsumed into Black Mask's faction in quick order once the Colosseum was finished.
With peace returning to the city, things in the Dead End were getting back to normal. I could go back to what I loved. Telling stories and playing with Barbara Gordon's patience…
"So with just under 100 million dead guardsmen, the Imperium of Man successfully… held their ground at Hive Hades. They didn't win. Not yet. It would take another year or more of intense fighting to drive off the Ork Waaagh. But the world was essentially saved there and then. The Battle of Hades Hive put an end to the Second War of Armageddon. Of course, that peace would only last about half a century before Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka returned for the even more bloody Third War of Armageddon."
Silence followed my story. Most of my audience were visibly twitching at my tale of war in the 41st millennium. A few of the more hardened villains, led by Two-Face requested a whole bottle to share between them. Barbara had her head buried in her hands.
"Sean, please! I'm practically begging you at this point. Talk about something lighter. You're giving out fits of existential dread like cookies!" Batgirl pleaded.
"Y-Yeah…" Penguin agreed, swallowing heavily. "You're in good form today, Mr. Barkeep."
I shrugged, "That's just how things worked in the 41st millennium. Honestly, that was a good day for the Imperium. The butcher's bill could have been and regularly was much higher than at Armageddon. With no guarantees of victory."
A henchman cackled to himself, thick with disbelief and uncomprehending horror, "Hehehehe… Good day… 100 million soldiers died in one battle on a good day…"
Moments later, he fell out of his chair. When one of his buddies went to check on him, they announced, "Yeah, he's out like a light. You must've brought up some old memories. Probably did a number on his PTSD, boss."
"Ah, shit…" I muttered to myself, rubbing the back of my head sheepishly. "Right, when he wakes up, be sure to tell him he smokes for free at Ivy's Ivy. And I'll pay for whatever therapy and medical bills he has after his time in the service.
"I'm sorry for causing anyone undue anxiety with that story. The next few rounds are free. And I'll see about getting coupons for anyone else who needs to take home some of Ivy's products. The good thing is that that future won't come to pass here. I promise. So don't go worrying yourself to death over nothing."
The cheers were weak but the mood lifted slightly. I made sure to file my 40k stories as off-limits even in the Dead End. I was being honest when I said that was the story of a good day. I hadn't even told them about the First War of Armageddon, which ended in a much… messier way.
"That's a good start, Sean," Batgirl said, her expression brightening beneath her mask. "But please don't tell stories of unending war again. Something lighter. Something that won't trigger trauma just by hearing it."
"So noted," I nodded. "I'll see what else I have kicking around up here."
As I searched my memories for another story, Deathstroke said, "I didn't think it was that bad."
Riddler rolled his eyes, "Not many people deal with death like normal people deal with groceries, Deathstroke."
Deathstroke ignored him, "I would like to have a drink with that 'Commissar Yarrick' fellow. He sounds like the kind of man who never stops being impressive."
"I'll say," Two-Face snorted. "Fucker lost a hand to a power claw and then had the same Goddamn power claw fitted onto his arm to replace it! 100 percent badass, 100 percent of the time."
"He developed something of a rivalry with the Ghazghkull Thraka after that," I said absently. "One of the only instances I've heard of an Ork respecting a Human."
Catwoman laughed, "I guess even across species in the 41st millennium, the arch-nemesis relationship never changes."
"What were you doing during all of this, Sean?" Batgirl asked.
"Oh, I was a Rogue Trader. Given a warrant by the God-Emperor of Mankind to do just about anything I wanted. Only tangentially related to the War of Armageddon when I ran supplies and logistics for the Imperium," I explained, giving her only half my focus as I continued to look for interesting stories in my library of memories.
She sighed, "Of course, you were…"
"I was basically a divinely sponsored pirate."
"Now, THAT sounds like an interesting story!" Penguin exclaimed with a laugh.
"Maybe another time," I said. "I think Batgirl will try to kick my ass if I tell another story from the 41st millennium so soon after the first. Besides, if you really want a story of me as a pirate, you're better off waiting to hear about my time searching for the One Piece."
There was a brief, sharp, and sudden intake of breath from Riddler and Penguin as they seemed to recognize my words. Men of Culture like them would know the significance of the One Piece. I shot them both a sneaky little smirk as they looked at me with wide eyes of awe.
"I very much will," Batgirl growled. "Because I already know it'll turn out just as if not more traumatic. A swashbuckling Sean does not inspire hope in me, for SOME reason."
"Yeah, but how many of us have traumas related to pirates?" Riddler chuckled.
Several henchmen and goons raised their hands. Riddler looked at them in surprise for a moment before sighing and raising his hand as well, "Cavalier?"
"Yeah, he knows what he did."
"Same."
There was a moment of silence as those involved nodded and I kept going back through my memories. 68 lives worth of memories made for a cluttered mindscape, even when I tried my best to keep it organized. I was pulling books of memories off the shelves, looking for something obscure, light, and interesting.
A gruff snort from Bane broke the silence, "Fuck off, Joker. Pendejo…"
Looking back at the mirror behind the bar, the Joker could be seen trying to give Bane a wedgie. He was failing miserably, of course. Even with a tight hold of Bane's pants, he couldn't make them budge. He couldn't alter anything in his reflected prison. He wasn't even as annoying as a buzzing fly at this point.
Bane swung out with his arm at empty space. In the real world, he hit nothing. In the mirror, he slapped Joker upside the head and sent him flying.
"I think that's the best part of his punishment," Penguin chuckled. "We can still hit the clown."
With his very soul bruised and battered, the Joker came right back. Immediately, he started trying to choke out Riddler. Riddler just shook his head, utterly unaffected.
"Einstein's definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Riddler's words triggered something in my mind. A very specific memory from one of my earlier lives was pulled to the fore. Oh… This was certainly an interesting story. It wasn't a happy story but it was a Hell of a lot lighter than tales from a galaxy engulfed in endless war.
"I think I have another story if any of you care to listen," I said softly, the memory already affecting my emotions.
The change was easily noticed by my regulars and they perked up in interest, "Oh, yeah, Mr. Barkeep. You know we'd never turn down one of your stories."
"It's better than the last one, right?" Batgirl asked intently.
I waved my hand so-so, "I like to think it's much lighter. It's a tragedy but not a war story. One I feel I have to share now that I've remembered it. For an old friend of mine and the man she once called her foster father.
"Let me tell you a story… from a realm of magic and Madness… Defined by nuclear war…"
"That's lighter?!?!" Batgirl all but screeched.
"It is," I nodded firmly, not to be swayed. "The Land of Ooo was anything but a serious place, even with the many tragedies that lurked underneath its surface. It was a world of Madness, driven by a thousand years of radiation and magical fallout. But it was also one in recovery. It healed more than it hurt and even with how Mad it could be, the world's future was bright."
"Ooo…?"
"The Hell kind of name is Ooo?"
"Oooohh~! Ooo~? I love that place~!" A new voice - melodic as a song and ethereal, almost fairy-like - exclaimed. "Some of my favorite insanities exist there~!"
Sitting on a new stool at the bar was a woman of extremes. Her appearance was frazzled and tidy at the same time. Her eyes were wild with cheer and life. Yet there was also a depressing darkness there that must have followed her wherever she went. Her hair was a rainbow of colors and her clothes were a rainbow of different fashion styles.
Spoiler: Delirium
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Spoiler: Didi and Del
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"Delirium?" Didi said. "What are you doing here?"
"Didi~!" Delirium exclaimed excitedly. Mid-sentence, her tone shifted to something somber and mellow, so sad it almost physically hurt to hear. "It was cold outside. So cold…" In an instant, it was back to peppy cheer, "But then I found you and now I'm warm again~!"
"Del, honey, that doesn't explain much. Why did you come to find me in the first place?" Didi asked with a soft, fond, smiling sigh.
Delirium just cocked her head like a puppy, "But it does, doesn't it? I said I came because it was cold. And then I heard your Hand-guy-thingy talking about a place I've always wanted to visit. So I figured I would make myself at home~!"
"I suppose I can follow that logic…" Didi said slowly before shaking her head, "Whatever the reason, I'm happy to have you here. It's good to see you again, Del."
Delirium tutted like a wizened old sage, "You should know better than to follow logic, Didi. It always leads you to unpleasantly real places." She giggled like a teenage girl, "Yay~! It's always so good to see my favorite sister again~!"
"When my only competition is Desire and Despair, that isn't saying much," Didi smiled in amusement. "And you know that advice only works for you, Del. The rest of us still have to pay some mind to things like causality and common sense."
"Oh, boo~…" Delirium pouted. "I should really get rid of that 'common sense' thing one of these days. I still think it was one of my biggest blunderoonies. Hey, Didi~? Would you be willing to KILL common sense for me~?"
Batgirl made a choking sound in the back of her throat, "P-Please… Please don't…? Some of us use it quite a lot."
Didi just smirked at her before turning back to Delirium, "Sorry, Del, I think I'm going to have to side with Batgirl on this one. You'll just have to LIVE with your mistake."
"Well, where's the fun in that~?" Delirium pouted even harder. "Common sense is only useful when I'm on a sanity kick. The rest of the time it just gets in the way~!"
"So, uh…" Riddler started, swallowing a lump in his throat. "I'm almost scared to ask but who… Who's this…?"
"Delirium of the Endless," I explained, extending a hand to her. "It's nice - strange, I should say - to meet you finally. Didi's told me so much about you. I'm Sean Caine. Didi's Hand, lover, and boss as well, I suppose."
Delirium's smile could have lit up the moon from Earth, "It's strange to meet you too~! Didi's told me all about you too~!"
I raised an eyebrow, glancing at Didi to see her blush scarlet, "She has? When was this?"
"I-I have duties outside the Dead End as well, Dear," Didi sputtered slightly. "They often take me into contact with my siblings. It's not like I was seeking her out to… sing your praises or a-anything…"
Thankfully for Didi's sake, Two-Face interrupted her embarrassment, "So Delirium of the Endless huh? What's that mean? You the patron saint of crazy people or something? Must have half of Gotham under your belt if that's the case."
"Dent!" Batgirl hissed, likely trying to get him to shut up and save Two-Face's ass.
"I'm Insanity and Sanity and everything in between~!" Delirium happily declared. "If it's a state of mind, I'm it~!" Melancholy crept into her voice, "I suppose you could also call me Emotion…"
"Well, shit, Miss, I didn't mean to make ya sad," Two-Face said sheepishly, honestly apologetic.
"You don't have to worry about that sort of thing with Del," Didi explained like a lifeline for his shame.
"Yeah~!" Jubilant joy was back in Delirium's mood. "I'm every emotion, all at once~! So you never have to worry about hurting my feelings~! And I know you didn't mean it like that, Mr. Flippy-Flippy-Coin-Man~!"
Two-Face laughed in surprise, "Heh, that's a new one. Good thing that though. I was worried I put my whole leg in my mouth with that one."
"Is…" Batgirl cleared her throat. "Is this going to be a common occurrence now? Having another of the Endless show up at the bar unannounced? 'Cause I may need to report that. Just so we know not to freak out when an aspect of existence comes to town."
"I dunno…?" Delirium shrugged, suddenly looking as confused as a newborn babe. It passed just as quickly as it came, "I just wanted to visit Didi. Then I heard Mr. Barkeep talking about the Land of Ooo and I decided to stick around for a story as well~!"
"Speaking of which," I said. "I should probably get back to the story at hand. I'd like to ask everyone to treat Del here like she's any other patron. If you're not afraid of Didi, there's no need to be afraid of any of her siblings either."
Batgirl sighed, "That's probably a good idea. I have so many more questions I want to ask but I wouldn't want to be a bother."
"You could always ask Didi. You'd get a much straighter answer to any of your questions from her," Delirium's tone became as serious as a heart attack.
"Damn!" A henchman suddenly realized aloud. "I'm drinking a beer brought to me by Death!"
There was a pause at the bar. Everyone looked down at their drinks, many of them realizing the same thing. Didi giggled, "At least people here believe me when I tell them who I am."
"As opposed to…?" Penguin asked with a raised brow.
"Lucifer."
"He runs a piano bar in LA," I explained into the stunned silence that followed Didi's words. "He doesn't hide it but no one seems to believe him when he tells them who he is."
"Oooh~! Big Bro Luci~! Has he come to visit yet~?" Delirium clapped in excitement.
There was a sound as if multiple engines tried and failed to start at once. Looking around, I could see most of the villains, henchmen, and Batgirl staring dead into empty space. Like their minds had collectively bluescreened.
The notable exception was Penguin, who just shrugged when I gave him a questioning look, "I'm Jewish. The Devil doesn't hold the same weight in our beliefs."
Batgirl shivered viscerally, "I'm… just going to ignore this newest development. For my sanity most of all. I mean, he's just… the Devil… right? How much harm can him running a bar do?"
"Now, now, Batgirl~ You should know better than to ignore your problems. It isn't healthy," I teased.
"I do," Batgirl deadpanned. "It certainly hasn't helped with you so far."
"So what is this story about, Sean?" Didi asked, hiding her amusement behind a hand.
"Oh~! The Candy Kingdom and its tyrant Princess Bubblegum~?" Delirium asked, practically jumping up and down in her seat. "Finn and Jake~?! The Human-eating Rainicorns and their war with the Talking Dogs~?! Grod Gob Glob Grod and Abraham Lincoln, King of Mars~?! Oh, I know~! Gunther the Immortal Penguin~!"
Penguin perked up at that, "I'd be interested in hearing about that last story."
Very robotically, Batgirl turned to Vicki, "Miss Vale…? Please tell me you got all of that. I'm afraid I might be experiencing auditory hallucinations."
"No…" Vicki said just as slowly. "I got it all. What I have written down looks like the ramblings of a madman though."
Batgirl sighed, "Considering who's telling the story and the fact that Delirium is here, that sounds about right."
"Twas certainly a Mad place," I smirked. "A fitting setting to share with our newest guest. But none of those things are the topic of today's story."
I sobered slightly, shaking my head with a sense of melancholy. My audience noticed and leaned forward on the edge of their seats, "No, this is the story of a good friend of mine. A story from her past that shaped her into the woman I came to know so well. It's not a happy story. But it's one that deserves to be told anyway. Let me tell you about… Marceline the Vampire Queen and the tragic Madness of Simon Petrikov, the man who became the Ice King."
"Oh no~!" Delirium cried a cry that pulled at the souls of everyone who heard it.
"What? What's wrong?!" Batgirl snapped to sudden alertness before relaxing when no threat presented itself. She looked at Delirium inquisitively.
"This one always makes me cry…" Delirium sniffled. "It's such a good story but it's so sad…"
I sighed softly, "It is, isn't it?" Shaking my head, I got back into the storytelling mood. I leaned forward across the bar and whispered as if I was sharing a secret.
"Forget everything you think you know about reality, for this realm does not subscribe to sense or reason. Here, before there was time - before there was anything -, there was nothing. And before there was nothing, there were monsters."
A vision of insight accompanied my words. There, cupped in the palms of my hands, an illusion presented itself. My audience leaned in to get a better look, only to recoil as they saw what I held there. A roiling sea of primordial monsters greeted them. Impossible masses of mouths and eyes and limbs writhed in discordant chaos.
"By sheer improbable chance," I continued. "These monsters eventually came to an agreement. From the consensus, the universe was born. With existence came the concepts we're familiar with today. Life and Death. Physics and Magic. Uncountable Dimensions.
"Fast forward a few billion years and the Earth was formed…"
"Wait, wait, hold the fuck on," Two-Face interrupted. "All this shit happened on Earth?!"
I nodded, "Not an Earth any of you - except Delirium - would be familiar with but yes. Earth. And from the Earth sprang life. Species lost to time, some more intelligent than others. Ever since life began on Earth, five fundamental elements existed. Fire. Ice. Candy. Slime. And Lumps."
Like almost everything else about this realm, that was met with incomprehension. My audience didn't quite bluescreen again but confusion wrote itself across their faces. Chuckling at the expressions, I continued.
"With the elements came the Elementals: powerful wizards who represent their element. These Elementals reincarnated throughout history. The one most important to our story is the Ice Elemental. 65 million years ago, Urgence Evergreen foresaw a comet that would bring a great evil to the world. He set out to stop it, creating a powerful artifact that would grant the first user's greatest wish.
"He was killed before he could use it. Instead of Evergreen, the crown artifact passed onto his assistant - a mentally scarred, intelligent dinosaur named Gunther. While Evergreen's greatest wish was to stop the comet, Gunther wanted nothing more than to become Evergreen. His wish was granted when he put on the crown. And so, the curse of the Ice King was born…"
"Freaking magic," Batgirl groaned. "It's always freaking magic…"
"I have to agree with Batgirl on this one," Riddler added. "I have… bad experiences with magic."
Catwoman chuckled, "We live in Gotham. Of course, you're going to have bad experiences with magic here. The whole city is cursed."
Her joke received a good-natured round of laughter. Then a mook paused and turned to ask me, "That's not… true, is it? Gotham bein' cursed?"
I nodded, saying matter-of-factly, "Several times over. Lazarus Pits leaking into the water. Slaughter Swamp sitting at the city limits, reviving corpses like Solomon Grundy. There's that Bat-Demon and his cult of followers who I won't mention by name. A dark warlock was buried alive here long before Gotham was even founded. And the natives who lived here first cursed the very land the city was built on."
Crickets could have been heard in the silence that followed. Someone groaned, "God, this whole city is fucked."
"Only in Gotham," Like an unholy chorus, the others nodded and said in synch.
Chuckling, I asked, "Back to the story?"
"Oh, God, please," Batgirl said, her voice thick with relief. Probably the first time she'd been relieved to hear me tell the story. By the sudden glare that entered her eyes, she realized that too.
"Where was I?" I asked myself, hiding a smile. "Right, still with the background info. Let's speed this up. There was a whole thing with vampires predating humans and a civilization of wizards but none of that is very important right now. I'll just skip ahead to the modern era of the world.
"By then, magic had waned on Earth and Humans were running about with a developed society roughly equivalent to what we're used to. Now, in comes our main character. Simon Petrikov was a normal man. A scholar. An antiquarian - someone who deals with the study of antiques and artifacts.
"Eventually in his career, he came across a couple of genuine magical artifacts. One could be considered the most powerful spellbook in existence. The other… was the crown of Urgence Evergreen. And Simon made one mistake that would haunt him for the rest of his days. He put on the crown.
"Simon was stricken with the curse of the Ice King. He was granted fantastic powers over ice magic. But there was a cost. His body temperature dropped. His hair turned white and grew extensively. His mind faltered and changed. Simon resisted as best he could but ever-so-slowly, the crown drove him insane.
"At the same time, global war struck Earth. The Great Mushroom War was named so because of the mushroom clouds of the countless nuclear bombs detonated across Earth's surface. And for one bomb that was a bit more than nuclear… The Mushroom Bomb. The world as anyone knew it ended with the Mushroom Bomb."
Looking around at my audience, I only saw expressions of horror and grim faces. I might have made a mistake. Hearing about a society so close to the one they knew devolving into nuclear war might actually be more traumatizing than tales of the 41st millennium. Yeah, I probably shouldn't mention the moon-sized chunk that was ripped from the Earth's surface during the war…
"But even the end of the world wasn't, ya know, the end of the world," I said quickly, trying to mitigate the damage before it could set in. Judging by the way the atmosphere seemed to relax, I was mostly successful.
"Many people survived. Including Simon, protected as he was by the Ice King's crown. The world was still inhabitable, even if anything passing for society was irrevocably changed. Life persisted. It… found a way."
The Jurassic Park reference got a few good chuckles and stabilized the mood in the room further. Satisfied, I nodded and continued my story.
"During his time after the Mushroom Bomb dropped, Simon eventually came across a young girl named Marceline - Marcy, for short. Marcy's mother died sometime after the war and her father was never in the picture because he was a fry-stealing demon bastard."
The description of Marceline's father received flat expressions and dead looks but people seemed to be adjusting to the insanity of Ooo so I pressed on, "Simon took Marcy in, acting as the father and friend she desperately needed. They lived together like that for a while. Marceline once told me those were some of the happiest days of her life."
My voice was calm and soothing while a sad smile played across my face. I knew what came next. As I spoke, images flashed between my fingers. Images of Simon and Marcy, as taken from Marceline's memories. My audience watched them survive together - telling jokes, exploring, and living as best they could after the apocalypse. But with each scene, Simon's visage grew more and more tortured.
"Unfortunately, Simon was still cursed by the crown. He was becoming the Ice King, losing himself slowly. Each time he was forced to put on the crown to defend himself and Marcy, he was pushed further into the curse.
"Though her existence wasn't an easy one - in Simon, Marcy found someone who loved her despite her demonic heritage and appearance. She found a place to belong in a desolate wasteland. Only to lose him - her new home - bit by bit during their time together."
A silence had fallen over my audience. An intent quiet as they all waited with bated breath for what came next. Their ears were open and focused on my words. The tragic tale gripped them by their heartstrings. Already, their eyes were wet. Delirium was straight-up bawling with thick tears pouring from her eyes. She knew where this story went too, it seemed.
"Simon was forced to make a hard decision. With the Madness of the crown taking hold of him, he forced himself to leave Marcy. For her own good. The way things were going, he couldn't keep taking care of her. Eventually, he would hurt her in his insanity. And it would break him.
"When Marcy was 13, Simon left her. He did what he thought was best. I won't say it was the right decision. But I can't fault him for it. Not knowing what he became. Before he left, he contacted Marcy's father - a Primordial Demon named Hunson Abadeer."
Softly, I wrapped up my story, "Simon died not long after. Not in body. But in mind and spirit. All that remained was the Ice King. Protected by the crown, Ice King lived for a thousand more years. Due to her demonic heritage, Marceline did as well. They would meet time and time again. Each time, Marceline was forced to face the man she'd loved as a father. A man who was long dead. The corpse of a loved one, puppetted by a cursed crown.
"No matter how much she tried to reach him, Simon was never coming back. It took a thousand years for Marceline to hear from him again. In the form of a message. A message he wrote during his last moments of sanity…"
From my memories, Marceline's voice invaded the bar, soft and full of emotion. A final message to a foster daughter that she'd turned into a heartfelt song. I Remember You.
"Marceline~
Is it just you and me in the wreckage of the world~?
That must be so confusing for a little girl~
And I know you're going to need me here with you~
But I'm losing myself and I'm afraid you're going to lose me too~
This magic keeps me alive~
But it's making me crazy~
And I need to save you~
But who's going to save me~
Please forgive for whatever I do~
When I don't remember you~…"
The tortured voice of Simon Petrikov as the Ice King joined the song.
"Marceline~
I can feel myself slipping away~
I can't remember what it made me say~
But I remember that I saw you frown~
I swear it wasn't me, it was the crown~"
They both came together for what passed for a chorus.
"This magic keeps me alive~
But it's making me crazy~
And I need to save you~
But who's going to save me~
Please forgive me for whatever I do~
When I don't remember you~
Please forgive me for whatever I do~
When I don't remember you~"
The ghostly voices slowly petered off, leaving only silence once more. There wasn't a dry eye at the bar. I discreetly wiped a tear of my own from my eye as well. Must be raining…
"Damn… I should really call my daughter…" A henchman muttered.
"Damn… I think I need a second."
"Damn… Got some… Got some dust in my eye."
"Damn… anyone got any tissues?"
"O-Oh, it's just so sweet and tragic~!" Delirium sniffled and cried something fierce, breaking the streak of 'damns'. "It makes me cry every time~! I love the Ice King for his delightful Madness but I hate him for what he did to poor Simon~!"
"That was a beautiful story, Sean," Batgirl said, stifling sniffles of her own. "Thank you for sharing it."
"I don't often tell stories I'm not a part of but this one needed to be heard," I said softly.
Bane nodded in agreement, "Simon Petrikov was a good man. His story shouldn't die with him."
Penguin raised his martini glass, "To Simon and Marceline."
The rest of the regulars didn't hesitate to join his toast, "To Simon and Marceline!"
"May Madness find you only once," Riddler added, trying for something profound and serious.
"We live in Gotham!" A mook laughed, quickly joined by the others. "It's already found all of us!"
"Rude," Delirium said with a quick sniff. "I'm sitting right here, you know."
The look on the mook's face as he froze could have been put on a poster. So could the utter relief he experienced when Delirium broke out into a fit of giggles. Huh, I should really get a camera for the reactions that happened in the Dead End. I could put them up on the walls like pictures of famous customers. An idea for another day…
Chapter 16
The Dead End was empty. It was closing time, about 5:30 in the morning. The sun would be coming up in an hour or so. What passed for sunshine in Gotham, at least. I kept the bar open late - or early, more accurately - to cater to my prime clientele but even that had limits. Mostly because Harley and Ivy still needed sleep and rest.
I didn't need to sleep, per se, but I did still enjoy the activity. Didi was in the same boat nowadays. I brought her around by showing her how much better it was to sleep with someone else at your side. Plus, with Delirium's visit, I was starting to think Didi used our time asleep to visit her brother Dream.
Still, the Dead End and Ivy's Ivy were open from dusk til dawn - and not the other way around. It was about what people expected from a drinking establishment. And it worked well with the schedules the villains and heroes usually kept.
I didn't know why exactly, but hardly any crimes took place during the day in Gotham. Certainly no villain-based crimes. It was like an unwritten rule. Perhaps literally, knowing Gotham. There could very well be a spell or curse that relegated the darker activities in the city to the dark of night.
Whatever the reason, it contributed to how popular the Dead End was. And how effective this place was when it came to keeping people off the streets. I didn't intend it to turn out this way, but the Dead End and I were almost as instrumental in the fight against crime in Gotham as the Bat Family was.
At closing time though, the Dead End was, well… dead. The normal customers had gone home long before this point. Usually staying a bit longer, the villains were on their way back to their lairs, hideouts, or even, their apartments. The mooks and goons stumbled on home too, somewhere between the exodus of 'normals' and the villains.
One of the things I'd been quick to implement in the rules of the Dead End's domain was a safeguard against the usual troubles alcohol brought with itself. A quick 'Death of Blackouts' here. 'Death of Drunk Driving' there. And especially, a handy little 'Death of Addiction ' as the cherry on top.
It wouldn't work outside the Dead End's walls. But here, I had no trouble with anyone drinking too much and endangering themselves and others. They could still get drunk. But they quite literally COULDN'T overdo it in my domain.
My customers could still develop dependencies and addictions if they drank regularly. But the drinks I served in the Dead End wouldn't count toward that. They weren't even technically bad for your body anymore. As always, conceptual Death was bullshit.
With the villains usually being the last to leave, the Dead End was left with only the heroes for the final sprint toward actually closing. The Bat Family routinely 'worked' longer hours than their criminals and villains. They didn't rest until the sun was fully up. And since those were usually the quietest hours of their nights, I consistently hosted one or two of them before I closed.
"Man, I haven't smiled this much in literal years," Red Hood said, his head very obviously tracking the Joker's pitiful reflection in the mirror prison.
Since business returned to normal for the Dead End, he came around about as often as Batgirl, Black Bat, and Robin. Sometimes, he taunted his killer. More often than not, he simply sat down and watched the Joker in silence. Those times, I left him to work through whatever he needed to work through.
"Hard to tell through that mask of yours," I snarked.
He just laughed, "For what you've done, I'd be more than happy to reveal my face to you. But I'm pretty sure B-Man would get all on my case about it."
Batgirl smirked, "He might even tell Alfred and Talia you're endangering yourself with something so completely stupid. Like always."
A visceral shudder ran up Red Hood's spine, "Yeah… Sorry, Mr. Barkeep, but the mask stays on. No way am I pissing off Mom 1 and Mom 2."
I rolled my eyes, "Barbara's messing with you, Jason. I already know who all of you are and I've made sure secret identities are absolutely safe in the Dead End."
"Oh…" Jason paused for a moment before looking at her to check.
Barbara nodded, still smirking, and Jason slowly considered the situation. I could practically see the gears turning in his head. On one hand, he was trained and very much accustomed to keeping his secret identity, well, secret. On the other, he did say he would show me. Even if I was more than willing to let the issue lie, Jason wasn't someone who let his debts go unpaid.
Another nod - more of a 'go ahead' signal - from her convinced him to take off his mask, baring his real face before me, "I guess there's no one else here anyway. Just, uh, Didi's sister?"
"Well, we were just about to close before you showed up," I deadpanned, not showing my inner thoughts on his appearance. "Delirium is family. She's allowed to keep bothering us after hours. You and Babs here are really pushing your luck."
Jason looked about as I expected him to. No, he looked younger than I thought he would. I knew he was younger than Dick and Barbara. He should have been about 19 or 20. But if it wasn't for a scar that ran from his forehead through the corner of his eye to end on his upper lip, I would have described him as 'baby-faced'.
Handsome still, with a strong jaw and pale blue eyes. But he looked like one of those people who would still look barely 18 even when they were approaching 30. Maybe it had something to do with his return from death.
I was pretty sure the white streak in the center of his bangs was due to that. It looked like he had tried to dye it to get rid of the color but it kept coming back anyway. Some quirky magical interaction between him and the Lazarus Pit, most likely.
Barbara stuck out her tongue at me, "Don't even pretend you don't love having me around, Sean."
"Ehh, I could take you or leave you."
"You better take me," Barbara growled.
"Careful, Babs," Jason smirked, getting a bit of teasing revenge already. "Your feisty side is showing."
"I'm all feist, all the time!" Barbara snapped back at him.
Jason shook his head and tutted, "You say that like it's a good thing. Some guys don't like to flirt by fighting."
While Barbara glared at him, I added fuel to the fire, "Not me. I'll never say no to more passion in my life."
Barbara barely reacted to my comment. Just a tiny twitch. But to Jason and I, she might as well have blushed crimson. One of us knew her way too well to be fooled and the other had enough experience with the opposite sex to last for literal lifetimes.
Still, Barbara recovered surprisingly quickly. She turned to me with a sweet and innocent smile on her face, "Sean? Would you like to spar sometime?"
Jason cackled like a fool, "Just throw your panties at him next time, Babs!"
Her sweet smile didn't waver an inch as she lashed out and nailed him in the gut with her elbow. Jason doubled over as the air was forced out of his lungs. Even then he was trying his best to laugh, a task made much more difficult by his spasming diaphram. I just watched the exchange with an amused smirk.
"So, Sean, how about that spar?" Barbara asked again as if nothing had happened.
Chuckling, I agreed, "That sounds lovely, Barbara. When the Colosseum of Crime is finished, maybe?"
"It's a d-date," She nodded firmly, only stuttering the barest bit on the last word.
In the background, I heard Delirium talking to Didi, "Didi, your mortals are ~SOOOOOO~ cute~!"
Didi giggled, "They aren't mine, Del. Not any more than anyone else is."
Delirium cocked her head, "Not even your Sean~?"
"Well… Sean's different," I could hear the blush in Didi's voice. "But I'd hardly consider him mortal."
"He's nice~," Delirium said dreamily as if she had her head in the clouds. "I like what he's done for you. You're much happier now."
I glanced over at them, meeting Didi's gaze and seeing her smile, "I am, aren't I?"
"Happy as a hat in the rain~!" Delirium chimed like bells.
"I don't know if I'd go that far," Didi giggled.
Harley, Ivy, Freeze, and Nora came in through the backdoor of the bar. Freeze and Nora waved and made their excuses to leave now that their shifts were over. Most of their free time these days was dedicated to solving their intimacy issues. Didi or I could deal with it in an instant but Nora wanted to figure it out for herself.
She said that the process was part of the fun. Especially the trial and error. With the way Freeze blew cold air when she mentioned that, he didn't seem to mind that they couldn't go all the way yet. Good for them.
Harley and Ivy came right on over to the rest of us. Upon seeing Red Hood with his mask off, Harley's destination was set. Ivy rolled her eyes with long-standing fondness and went to meet Didi's guest instead.
"Hey, Hoodie~! Wow, look at you, all scarred and young and handsome-lookin'. Why, you're practically naked~!" Harley greeted.
Jason looked down at himself in confusion, "I… am…?"
Barbara rolled her eyes, "She means the mask, smart guy."
"Oh, yeah, I suppose I am," Jason said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Sean said it would be safe for me to take off the Hood. And after what he's done for me with the Joker, I couldn't not trust him…"
"Oh, yeah~! Isn't that great~? The Unfunny Bastard is worse than dead and buried~!" Harley grinned, shivering with vindictive delight.
"It's certainly… something," Jason smiled slightly. He relaxed a bit but there was still a decent amount of tension in his posture. Let's see if I can reassure that tension out of him.
"You can test my protections if you want. Just in case you don't believe Barbara," I offered.
Jason blinked, "How?"
Instead of answering him, I turned to Harley, "Harley, meet Jason Todd. He's a former Robin and currently, the Red Hood."
"Nice to meet 'cha all over again~!" Harley exclaimed with a wide smile.
"Uh… nice to meet you again too, Harley," Jason returned the greeting tentatively.
"Now, Harley, go ahead and step out the front door. I'm going to ask you a question," I instructed.
Harley skipped to do as I said. Once outside my domain, she turned and shouted, "Okay~! What now~?!"
"Who's the Red Hood?" I called back to her.
"Fuck if I know~! Jesus and Shakespear's frickin' kid or something~!?"
"See? Perfectly safe," I said, turning back to Jason.
Jason's face was a mask of confusion, fascination, and sudden confidence, "So I see…"
I left him to figure out his feelings for a moment, "You can come back in now, Harley!"
Harley skipped back through the doorway and immediately stopped to goggle at Jason, "Woah~! What a trip~! Now, 'Jason Todd'… Where have I heard that name before?"
"Nowhere of importance, I'm sure," Jason gave an almost awkward little chuckle.
"No, I know I've heard it…" Harley said, lost in thought. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers, "Got it! You're one of Brucie's kids~! Nice~! How does it feel to have a himbo… billionaire… as your… dad…?"
Her mind was really working now, "A dad who's conveniently never in the same room as Batman, even with how much Batsy has to save him… A dad with three sons and a couple of daughters… Almost an exact match for Batsy… With a middle son who disappeared at the same time the Unfunny Bastard killed the middle Robin…"
Jason shot me a concerned glance. I waved him off dismissively. He turned his eyes onto Barbara, likely asking if they should be doing something about Harley's ongoing epiphany. Barbara just shrugged.
"Son of a bitch~!" Harley exclaimed with an explosion. "Bruce Wayne really is Batman~!"
Jason fell into a tense silence. Barbara and I were just amused and content to see how this played out. In the mirror, Joker collapsed to his knees. Harley's realization might have just killed whatever willpower he had left. After all, Batman had been pulling off the greatest joke of all, complete with a meme-based psyop and a lovable himbo persona.
Seeing the Joker collapse, Jason took on a look of consideration, "… Okay, you know what? Worth. If this is what it takes to make that asshole look like someone just killed his puppy, I'll take B-man's identity getting out any day of the week."
That set Ivy off into hysterical giggles as she, Delirium, and Didi came over to join us, "Oh, thank Mother Nature, Harley! You don't know how hard it was to keep that a secret from you! I was going crazy every time you and Bruce were in the same room together!"
Harley gaped at Ivy, "Red, you knew?!"
Ivy nodded as best she could through her full-body laughter, "Since-… Since Bruce first visited the bar! I was there when Sean put his secret identity rule into place and the reveal almost killed me!"
"Well, duh," Harley huffed. "I mean, who would've expected sweet little Brucie to be the Big Bad Bats?"
"That's not even the best part!" Ivy was still losing herself to her giggles. "Oh, Goddess! The-… The memes! Barbara! Barbara, please, I can't!"
Harley looked at her girlfriend queerly, "What's that all about?"
Barbara sighed, "I think she wants me to tell you that Bruce is the one who's originally behind the 'Bruce-Wayne-is-Batman' meme theory."
Harley's mouth hung open in shock. In the mirror, Joker twitched and recoiled as if he was actually shot. Not only was Gotham's greatest joke of the century true, but it was even started by Batman. Yeah, there was no coming back for Joker after that. And he couldn't even share the knowledge or use it for anything, trapped and imprisoned as he was.
Jason's grin could have been seen from space at this point, "Oh, this is so fucking funny. I can see why Sean likes digging reactions out of people like this."
"Batman seems to think the same thing," I said casually. "He's the one who asked Ivy to keep it a secret. But not for the obvious reasons. He wanted to drag it out and reveal it to his Rogues Gallery one by one. Like some big Bat Prank."
Shot after shot kept rocking the Joker in his mirror prison. This time, the rest of us were treated to the sight of him being 'hit' with machine gun fire. And then ragdolling like he was caught in an explosion as the cherry on top.
The slapstick comedy of Joker being thrown around like a bitch by the revelations just made Jason's grin wider, "Perfect."
"Oooh! Ooooo!" Harley made unintelligible little noises of anger. "I am SO getting him back for this~! I mean, come on, Brucie~! You didn't wanna tell me that I was fighting my old study buddy all this time~?!"
"To be fair," I began. "He wasn't expecting you to figure it out on your own. So you've got a leg up on him right now. I bet you could even surprise him. Well, slightly, at least. He's still Batman."
Harley's grin grew to match Jason's, "Good enough for me~! That brooding goth jerk won't know what hit him~! I knew he couldn't have changed that much since college~!"
Barbara choked on thin air and Harley turned to her with a raised eyebrow, "And who are you supposed to be, Girl-Bat~?"
Collecting herself, Barbara revealed her secret identity to an old friend/enemy, "Barbara. Barbara Gordon."
Harley could only say one thing to that, "… Huh."
"You know, it's only just occurring to me… Does Commissioner Gordon know about your nighttime activities?" Ivy wondered.
"Please don't ever say it that way again," Barbara shuddered. "But I guess… I don't know."
"Probably," I answered that question for her. "He's the Commissioner of Police for one of the largest cities on the East Coast and he was Gotham's best detective before that. He almost certainly knows who ALL of you are but he doesn't say anything to keep up the illusion. For your sake more than anything else."
Barbara froze at my words and Jason paused, emulating Harley for a moment, "… Huh."
"Freaking. Adorable. Mortals~!" Delirium squealed, breaking the awkward silence that accompanied Barbara rethinking everything she thought she knew. "Eeeeiii~! You're all like a buffet of emotions and secrets and FUN~!"
"Uh, Gothboy? Who's the manic pixie dream girl?" Harley asked out of the corner of her mouth.
I could only laugh, "You don't even realize how accurate that description is, Harley."
Jason extended his hand to Delirium, "I don't think we've officially met. Jason Todd."
"I know who you are~!" Delirium chimed cheerfully. Her tone dipped to slow and low melancholy. "Didi still talks about you sometimes…" Then it was suddenly fuming mad, "I'm Delirium! Call me Del! If you don't, I'll cut you!"
Jason's expression barely shifted. Just the slightest straining of his smile and a sudden deadness in his eye. But in front of Delirium, he might as well have been shouting his emotions from the rooftops. In an instant, Delirium's sudden rage disappeared, leaving an innocent and pure girl behind.
Didi sighed, "Don't mind my sister, Jason. She doesn't mean anything by that. She's just prone to mood swings as part of her nature. It's good to speak to you again though. How have you been?"
Jason adopted a look of deja vu in his eye, "Do I know…?" Realization struck him like lightning, "Ah… Death. Right."
"The last time we spoke, we had a fascinating conversation about the historical context surrounding the Art of War by Sun Tzu and how that translates to its modern interpretations and applications," Didi smiled softly. When she smiled like that, it was as if everything was right with the world.
Judging by the way he relaxed, Jason seemed to think so too, "I vaguely remember that. Sorry, I was a bit… out of sorts at the time."
Barbara snorted, "Jason, only you would spend the entire time you were dead talking about military literature. You're such a nerd."
"Literary history is interesting, alright!?" Jason snapped, hiding the slight coloring of his cheeks. "And I wasn't at my best, what with the whole DYING thing going on!"
"Sounds like excuses to me~" Barbara teased.
"While there were certainly more pressing matters at the time, I enjoyed my conversation and short time with Jason," Didi said without offense. "However, I'm equally glad to see him living again."
"You don't count that as… cheating Death…?" Jason asked hesitantly.
Didi shook her head, "Hardly. There was no intention to cheat me behind your resurrection. If anything, it was likely one of Destiny's plots. I don't have any grievances with you, Jason. Not like… THAT man…" She glared pointedly at the mirror before continuing, "But if you're still worried, think of it as your first strike."
"That's…" Jason considered. "That's good. Helpful, even. Now, I know not to repeat my little dance with you. No offense, Didi, but I'd like to stay way down the list of your dance card."
"No offense taken," Didi chuckled.
Suddenly, a banging grabbed everyone's attention. The door to the Dead End flew open. A young woman barged through in a rush. A teenager, likely not even legal yet. Closing the door behind her, she only spared the briefest moment to catch her breath. The instant she saw us, she stumbled over, almost collapsing in the process.
"You-! You have to help me!" She gasped. "Wizards-! Wizards are trying to kill me!"
There was a short moment as we all processed her plea for help. Didi was the first to react. And she reacted in a way none of us expected.
"Mine!"
Blinking at that, only then did I realize how similar Didi and this young woman looked. She had the 'goth girl' style down to a tee. Black clothes, black hair, black makeup - her shirt and leggings were even in that telltale fishnet goth style. Her hair was in cute, little, puffy pigtails on the sides of her head.
Again, she was young. Attractive but I couldn't bring myself to see her as 'womanly' just yet. She needed a few more years of growth for that. Right now, she was just 'cute'. I didn't recognize her off the top of my head. So while she was likely a character in this universe, she wasn't a well-known one.
Spoiler: Alice
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"What's your name, Dear?" Ivy asked gently.
"L-Lori-…" The girl paused to change her answer. "Alice. Black Alice. Daughter, uh… Yeah, Daughter of Death… !"
"Oh~! Didi, I didn't know you had a daughter~!" Delirium clapped excitedly.
"Uh, I don't think…" I started to say.
"I don't care! She's mine now! Mini-me! Mine! We're adopting her, Sean!" Didi interrupted, putting her foot down for the girl who could have been her daughter anyway.
I sighed and chuckled, more amused than against the idea. At the very least, we could help her with her 'wizard problem', "Alright. As the owner of the Dead End and Death's Hand, I officially offer you sanctuary. Do you accept, Black Alice?"
IIIII
Felix Faust screeched and squawked, much like a vulture, "Magic itself hangs in the balance! She will doom us all!"
The description fit him well, Klarion thought. He deadpanned in reply, "She's a teenage girl."
"She's a threat!"
"I. REALLY. Don't see it."
"RAAGGH!"
Faust raged like an impotent old bird. Now that Klarion had seen it, he couldn't unsee it. Faust was a deathly thin man with a sunken face and a large, beaked nose. The only things that sustained him at this point were malice and magic.
"Quiet, both of ya's! I need ta' have a think," Doctor Occult said, looking moments away from dope-slapping both Klarion and Faust.
Doctor Occult was the one who gathered them all here to deal with this new 'threat' to the magic community. He was a man who embodied the 1920s, even nearly a century after that time had passed. Magic kept him going long after his natural expiration date and Klarion would bet the trenchcoat, suit, and hat he wore were the same that he used way back then.
Still, he was an accomplished Magician. Accomplished enough to command a measure of respect from the rest of the community. So when he came calling, Klarion decided to play along. More for his own amusement than anything else. He was between pranks at the moment anyway.
So far, he was amused but not all that impressed. The 'threat' their little group was gathered to face didn't seem urgent, pressing, or dire. It was just a teenage girl as far as he was concerned. Barely older than the age he portrayed himself as.
She wasn't even actually aware of magic before the incident that sparked this all off. She liked to play at it, sure. But none of the background information Klarion had seen made her into an actual threat.
Certainly not one that deserved such fearsome enemies. Doctor Occult was legendary. Perhaps not the most powerful Magician but one of the most well-known due to the amount of time he'd been active. With time came experience and wisdom. And for a Magician, few things amplified their power more than those two qualities.
Felix Faust was perhaps even more legendary - an unfortunate tale of caution for all who learned of him. As an ancient sorcerer, he was the origin of the term 'Faustian Bargain'. The fool traded freely with Demons, only to try and renege on every deal he made.
Each time, he was left worse off than before. After several millennia of deals, Faust was a shadow of his former legend. In his prime, Faust dueled prime wizard Nommo - the best of his era - to a standstill. Now, he would be lucky to go a day without soiling himself.
Still, he was intimately knowledgeable about the Dark Arts. And one good thing about the magic community was its tendency not to discriminate too harshly. Magicians, wizards, and sorcerers did not subscribe to the hero-villain divide so closely.
Light and Dark, Good and Evil, ORDER and CHAOS? Yes. But most in their community were a bit more hesitant to put on masks and run around committing or preventing non-magical crimes.
In times of great magical crisis, those lines blurred even further. Zatanna Zatara could easily be seen working with Enchantress if the occasion called for it. Or in this case, Doctor Occult could be seen gathering known 'villains' for this little group of his.
Klarion was one of those 'villains'. Truthfully, he disdained the word. Such a shallow moniker. He was no mere 'villain', he was a nuisance! The Nuisance! He was Klarion… Bum Bum Bum… the Witch-Boy. Yes, the dramatic pauses and 'bums' were important. No, you couldn't say his name without them!
Honestly, did people think him a fool? That little fiction was a favorite of his. No one actually used the full title. They called him 'Klarion' or 'Witch-Boy' or some combination of the two. They all just thought him a Mad child, putting on a show for himself. So no one would even begin to think he'd hidden his True Name in plain sight.
While he may look young, Klarion was no novice. From his birth in Limbo Town to his current pestering of Etrigan the Demon, Klarion had seen much of what existence had to offer. Not all. Never all. But enough.
He knew he was currently in the running for one of the Chaos Lord mantles. His mischievous feats and deeds attracted a certain level of cosmic attention. But he wasn't a Lord of Chaos yet. Until then, he was content to be underestimated and seen as 'The Nuisance'.
Which put him in this amusing little group of Light and Dark magic users without those ORDER busybodies breathing down his neck. Other than himself, Doctor Occult, and Faust, a delightfully reasonable woman named Cheetah - a Wonderwoman villain cursed with the features of her felinid namesake - and a magical hero on the Justice League's payroll named Black Orchid rounded out their numbers.
It wasn't like any of them were light hitters (other than perhaps Doctor Occult). Which just made the reason they were all gathered all the more hilarious in Klarion's mind. Their target… was a teenage girl.
Of course, they weren't after her for no reason. According to the background information Doctor Occult had rounded up (he was a detective. It was, quite literally, what he did), the girl named Lori Zechlin wasn't such a non-issue anymore.
She was involved in some kind of accident. Or perhaps a series of accidents would be more accurate. Doctor Occult wasn't sure if it was the car crash that killed her parents or her suicide attempt afterward that awakened her to magic. Regardless, Lori Zechlin was empowered and took on the name 'Black Alice'.
Before the series of incidents, Alice was a stereotypical goth teen. Pagan beliefs, alternative sense of style, dark and moody teenage brooding, the works. That first quality led to the current problems she was experiencing.
At some point during her initial troubles, Alice called out to unspecified pagan gods and demons, asking them to spare her life. One of them answered. A very ill-intentioned Demon who hoped the power it put in Alice's hands would lead to catastrophe.
Alice was given a magical ability. An ability that terrified the magic community and threatened to upset magic itself. She could steal magic. Powers, spells, or inherited abilities, the source made no difference to Black Alice. There was no limit on her range or potential. She could just as easily steal Zatanna's magic as she could a first-time spellcaster's.
Klarion had to admit it WAS a worrying ability. Certainly, not one that should be entrusted to a naive and clueless teenager with potential delusions of dark grandeur. He could agree with Doctor Occult on that front. The part that was so amusing to Klarion was that the only solution the good ghost detective had come up with was to… eliminate… the problem entirely.
"Ugh," Doctor Occult grunted after a few moments of silence. "I've still got nothing. The damn girl is really messin' up everything in the joint. We're just gonna have to put her on ice. No other way to cut the connection to the Demon who wants to screw everything right up for the rest of us. Ugly as it is, it's the best thing to do."
"Yes, because the ends always justify the means," Klarion drawled. He didn't have much of a stake in this situation but he did enjoy playing Devil's advocate.
"I'm with Witch-Boy here," Cheetah said. "Doesn't feel right to just off the girl like this."
"Must we kill, Doctor Occult?" Black Orchid asked.
"Well, we gotta do something. As cruddy a person as he is, Faust is right about one thing. She's a threat to magic itself," Doctor Occult asserted gruffly. "If this keeps up, she'll tear the White Gate straight out of the picture. And then the Outer Gods'll get in and no one will be happy."
"Ha!" Faust laughed triumphantly. "The little twit should be thankful that we deem her important enough to deal with personally! Honestly, we should just tie a curse to her unfortunate soul and be done with it!"
"Not so fast, buster," Doctor Occult growled. "Eliminating her entirely is still our last resort. We're gonna talk to her and do everything we can first. But if we have to, we have to."
Faust cried out in sudden pain and despair, making a noise as if his soul was being torn from his body, "Nooooooooooo~!"
Black Orchid shifted uncomfortably but nodded, "… That is not ideal but I can see how it would be necessary. With good fortune, we shall find another solution after examining her situation more closely."
Cheetah just scoffed, "Don't look at me. Not like any of you would take the catgirl's perspective seriously. I don't even know why I'm here."
"Oh, contraire, M'lady," Klarion flirted, trying his best to turn on the charm. "I would take your advice any day of the week. And I happen to think you're quite fetching as a 'catgirl'."
Cheetah barked a paradoxically purring laugh, "Don't start, Witch-Boy. You ain't suave and I ain't some kind of Shotacon. Grow up a bit and then we'll see."
Klarion put on a dramatic sigh, "Oh, be still beating heart o' mine~"
He saw the corners of her lips twitch upward as she changed the subject, "Who's tracking the girl anyway? Do we even know where she is?"
"I will find her!" Faust tried to declare grandly.
Doctor Occult cut him off, "No need, old man. Her position has stabilized in Gotham. I'll open a portal and we can get this job over and done with."
"Oh, joy," Cheetah deadpanned. "Gotham."
"You know, I've been hearing interesting whispers about the city recently," Klarion commented, just making conversation at this point as Doctor Occult opened the portal and they all stepped through.
"Interesting how?" Black Orchid asked, as polite and professional as ever.
"Well, first," Klarion changed the subject slightly as the Gotham air hit him. "Do you smell the Madness?"
"In Gotham?" Cheetah snorted. "'Course, I do."
"No, there's something more here…" Faust contributed something helpful for the first time. In Klarion's mind, at least. "Something… I WISH TO HAVE IT~!"
And there it was. Almost immediately, his wisdom was overwritten by the rest of his personality. Klarion sighed and continued, "I've been hearing rumors about a new magical center in the city. A… what was it called? A cul-de-sac…? No, that isn't quite right…"
"A Dead End?" Cheetah suggested.
Klarion snapped his fingers, "Yes! That was it. How did you know?"
"Because we're standing right in front of it," She deadpanned right back at him.
"Oh… Oh, my," Klarion paused to take in the bar and how it practically breathed with magic.
It was like nothing he'd seen before. Still, he was intimately familiar with the taste of magic. Anyone who dabbled in necromancy would be. This was Death. But it was so much purer than anything else he'd ever encountered. What an interesting oddity…
"Right," Cheetah said, taking charge. "Orchid and I will go first. We're the only front-line fighters here. Ready, Orchid?"
At the other woman's nod, Cheetah stepped up to the front door to the Dead End. She opened it and took a step inside. Black Orchid was right behind her. Immediately, they both turned around on their heels and walked right back out.
"Nope," Cheetah refused, popping the 'p' with great exaggeration. "So much freakin' nope."
Black Orchid nodded vigorously, "I concur. Very much nope."
"Step aside, fools!" Faust declared, trying and failing to shove his way through the two female powerhouses with his feeble ancient muscles. "I will have whatever power this Dead End hides! Ahahahahahaha!"
With a pointed look at Black Orchid, Cheetah let the sorcerer pass. Faust stormed into the establishment, still cackling. A calm and soft voice said something unintelligible from inside. Like a man who'd been shot, Faust froze in the doorway.
"No, no, no, leave me, Grim Reaper! Nooooooo~!" Faust cried, once again sounding as if his soul was leaving his body. This time though, that description might have been much more accurate.
Faust screamed. At the same time, he began to rapidly wither before their eyes. Moment by moment, he began to look his true age. A mummy, standing only because time hadn't caught up to him yet. In seconds, Felix Faust crumbled to nothing more than dust.
"By the way, Death and Delirium of the Endless are in there," Cheetah advised with post-humorous sarcasm.
Oh… Oh, my.
[AN: Black Alice isn't slated to be in the harem. I have her pegged as a sort of spunky, sarcastic, and rebellious teenage daughter role. Think Negasonic Teenage Warhead from X-Men lol]
Chapter 17
"I accept," Black Alice intoned gravely.
She probably put more gravitas into her acceptance than I did for my formal offer of sanctuary. But this was magic and there were certain rituals to be observed. Strangely, I didn't think Alice actually knew that. I think she was just a closet drama queen.
A proper theatre kid, even if she would likely deny it until she died. The hallmarks were there if you knew where to look. Especially with the way she came out and declared herself 'Daughter of Death'. She was just a kid - a teenager but still - saying things she thought would make her look cool.
That didn't mean I thought she was lying about being in danger. Two things could be true at the same time. As far as I could tell - which was pretty damn far - something was up with Alice on a magical level. Enough that I was more than ready to believe she was being chased by righteous wizards.
She might've been playing up her words as a sort of coping mechanism but that only added to her claims. She was truly, genuinely scared for her life. Even accepting my offer of sanctuary didn't drive that feeling from her heart.
It seemed to help though. Especially when combined with the hug Didi was giving her. She squirmed in Didi's embrace but anyone could tell she didn't really want to leave it. Didi had a way of making people feel safe and comfortable like that.
"So what's your story, kiddo?" I asked.
"Yeah, yeah~! What's gotcha on the run~?" Harley added, practically hopping in place.
"Down, Harley," Ivy chided with amusement.
"Need me to kill anyone?" Jason offered, just to be sure.
"Jason! No!" Two guesses for who said that…
"Jason, yes!"
"You've got a wonderful wibbleddytop going on…" Delirium said somberly. Her tone turned thoughtful and considerate, "Is it contagious~?"
"W-Wha-…?" Alice was very obviously overwhelmed by the sudden show of warmth from everyone in the bar.
"There, there, little one," Didi cooed. "Tell us what's wrong and how we can fix it for you."
With Didi's arms still wrapped around her and her soothing voice in Alice's ear, she recovered quickly enough. If tears welled up in her eyes, none of us said anything. Alice gave a subtle sniffle as she shook her head to stop the tears from falling.
Then immediately, she turned a spunky glare onto me, "I'm not a kid!"
Walking over to her, I patted her head, "Of course, you're not. You just need to learn to use your words if you want us to have any idea of what's going on."
She glared and growled with all the power of a wronged teenage girl. Didi thought it was hilarious if her giggles were anything to go off of. Alice blushed and averted her eyes from mine. Even then, she leaned slightly more into Didi's hug.
"… It's stupid," Alice muttered softly. "So freaking stupid…" Her voice rose in anger and frustration, "I didn't do anything wrong! It's not fair! Why are they after me?! Why can't they leave me alone?!"
"Wow, that's a lot of anger," Delirium said, surprisingly sane for once. "May I?"
A few hot tears drew tracks in Alice's eyeliner, "W-What…?"
Didi gave her sister a nod and Delirium didn't wait to explain. She just took a great big breath. The lights flickered ever-so-slightly and Alice calmed down between one instant and the next. She was left staring at Delirium in open shock.
"Weeeee~!" Delirium giggled, back to her not-so-lucid self. "Is that better~?"
"What the Hell-!" Alice began.
Didi interrupted her, "Language, Alice. There's no need for words like that, especially not with your new aunt."
Alice ducked her head in shame, "… What did you do?"
Delirium cocked her head to the side, "Breathe~? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Ms. Alice-Who-Follows-the-Black-Rabbit."
Confusion crossed Alice's face. For a moment, she concentrated on something. The natural magic in the air shifted. Then… nothing happened.
Alice's confusion only increased, "Why can't I borrow your magic?"
Delirium's cocked head reversed, doing the same thing on the other side, "Magic~? Why would I need to use magic~?"
"Alright, I think we all need to sit down and have an actual explanation before things get more complicated than they need to be," I interrupted before Alice could confuse herself even more.
"Good idea, Dear," Didi nodded. "Come along, little one. Let's hear your story."
Didi led Alice by the hand. As if her world had been turned on its head, Alice followed in a slight daze. The rest of us weren't far behind. Alice settled onto a stool at the bar. She gripped Didi's hand tightly as if to keep her from leaving and draw support from her at the same time. The others found seats of their own and I ended up as the only one behind the bar.
"Looks like drinks and introductions are in order," I said casually.
Alice perked up at that until Didi fixed her with a stern look, "Non-alcoholic."
Alice pouted-… No, she sulked, "… Fine. Just give me a damn coke."
"Name's Sean. Nice to meet you, Alice," I introduced myself as I went about making drinks for everyone. "The Dead End here is my place and I'm Death's Hand on the side."
Alice eyed me suspiciously, "Bullshit."
I chuckled, "The 'Death's Hand' business? I assure you, that's completely true. If anything, I'm probably underselling it."
"Perhaps my introduction will put your doubts to rest," Didi soothed. "I am Death of the Endless. But you can call me Didi, little one."
Alice's mouth opened and closed, trying and failing to form words out of thin air, "I-… Wha-…? No-… That's-…"
"And I'm Didi's sister~!" Delirium chimed cheerfully. "Delirium~! But you can call me Del~!"
"You probably recognize the rest," I said. "Poison Ivy. Harley Quinn. Batgirl. The big guy is Red Hood. Now, let's get to the good part. What's your dealio, kiddo?"
Alice visibly shuddered with cringe before that spunky glare of hers returned, "I'm not a kid. I am Black Alice, Daughter of Death-! Eep!"
Alice suddenly squeaked as the identities of her audience caught up to her. She glanced nervously at Didi. Didi just nodded permissibly.
"Go ahead, Alice. I have no issue with you using my name. It's true now, after all."
"R-Right," Alice stuttered, quickly regaining her confidence from Didi's encouraging eyes. "… I have magic. I don't know how I got it. I just woke up with it after some… incidents…"
Didi hugged her as she stalled mid-explanation, "They loved you very much, Alice. Your parents wanted nothing more than to watch you grow and bloom into a beautiful flower. We talked, you know? When I walked them to their eternities. They're watching over you as best they can. And they're oh-so-glad you didn't succeed in joining them yet. Live, Alice. For them. For yourself. For me."
A single choked sob tore itself from Alice's throat, "It's… It's just not fair. Y-You're not fair… ! I-I… should hate you…"
"I know, little one," Didi cooed as softly as a warm blanket. "I know. Better than you could possibly imagine. I can be so cruel."
"H-How do you deal with that…?" Alice asked, her voice small and vulnerable.
"By trying to be kind. Death is just as much a kindness as a cruelness. I'm there for everyone as they pass. A shoulder to cry on. An old friend to simply talk to. A sense of closure and finality," Didi explained, softly but not sadly. "And by living. I am just as much Life as I am Death. Both can be unfair. But both can also be so beautiful and necessary. For each other, for ourselves, we Live and Die because we ARE. And that's something special beyond words."
"C-Can… Can I see them?" Alice sniffled.
"No, my child. You would just hurt yourself and them in the process," Didi gently refused. "You'd have to rip them from eternity. No matter the outcome - the momentary good it might do -, that's not a kindness."
Burying her face in Didi's shoulder, Alice cried. Didi held her and she let it all out into Death's embrace. Delirium began to hum a song, nonsensical but hauntingly beautiful. The rest of us gave Alice the time she needed to come to terms with her loss.
Eventually, she fortified herself with a deep, shuddering breath. Alice raised her head from Didi's shoulder. Puffy, red eyes and black-streaked liner glared at me as if daring me to test her. I wasn't nearly so callous. I just slid her drink in front of her, pointed discreetly at a bottle on the shelf behind me, and winked.
Alice's eyes widened and the first hint of a smile pulled at her lips, "… Thanks."
"Don't mention it," I said. My eyes added something more, 'Seriously, don't mention it. Didi would kill me.'
I knew I wasn't fooling Didi with any of this but it made Alice giggle. It was a brief giggle but one that was so genuine she surprised herself with it. Didi would forgive me for giving our new daughter a bit of liquid courage to finish the rest of her story.
The rest of the drinks went out and Alice finally continued, "Like I said, I don't know how. Or why. But I'm magic now. I can borrow magic. Doesn't matter who it comes from. And I'm pretty sure it goes back to normal after I'm done. But these… wizards… seem to think I'm gonna destroy the world or something.
"I've kinda been doing a bit of minor villainy here and there-…"
"Woooo~! Villainy~!" Harley cheered, abruptly interrupting Alice.
Alice just snorted a laugh, a bit more of the red in her eyes fading, "Yeah, I tried to steal a diamond from the Riddler. Didn't go so well. He captured me and a few others. But we escaped pretty quickly."
"Good," Didi nodded. "I would hate to have to have words with Edward."
"We'll still ask him politely to apologize the next time he comes in," I decided.
Alice looked at us in confusion. She obviously wasn't clued in about the Dead End. When she looked around at the others, she just received a chorus of nods, even from the heroes.
"Riddler can be troubled at times but he's not a bad man," Ivy explained.
Jason chuckled, "As far as villains go in Gotham, he's practically a saint."
A strange look entered Alice's eyes, "… Weird." She grunted, "Anyway, I found out about the wizards through one of the others captured with me. A guy named Catman. I guess he was magic or something 'cause I could take his powers. And he said I'd be messing with the magic network or some junk. So they sicced the freaking magic police on me."
Harley was trying very hard to stifle her giggles, "Catman? Catman? Oh, God, really? Frickin' Catman~?!"
"Selina's going to have a FIT when she finds out about him," Ivy said, amusement dancing in her eyes.
"So how do your powers work?" Barbara asked Alice.
"I dunno," Alice shrugged. "They just do. I get the costumes of whoever I'm taking from though."
I hummed, "Hmm… No stealing from Zatanna. She's off-limits for you, young lady. No daughter of mine is going to be dressing like that until she's at least 21. I mean, that bodysuit is bad enough but does she really need the fishnets?"
"What the Hell, man?! Don't be weird!" Alice glared at me.
"No, he's right," Barbara said. "Her costume really is stupidly sexy."
Jason scoffed, "More like Zatanna as a whole is stupidly sexy."
"Little one?" Didi's voice was firm. "Can I trust you to dress yourself appropriately if you must use Zatanna's powers?"
"I-!" Alice started all worked up. She immediately faltered when she looked into Didi's eyes, "… Yeah… Yeah, I'll be careful."
Didi's smile told Alice and everyone else that she'd made the right choice, "Thank you, little one. I just don't want you to have to grow up too fast. I realize Life hasn't been kind to you - that I haven't been kind to you… - but you should still be able to enjoy it without others intruding."
"Yeah, little Alice," I smirked. From her widening eyes, she knew something else was coming. "Good girls listen to their new adopted parents."
Alice's glare was as fierce as I'd ever seen. From a teenager, at least, "I will murder you."
I just shrugged, "Eh, Didi will just bring me back. I've been dead more times than you can count. One more won't hurt."
Didi nodded, "It's true. I won't let my Sean get away from me so easily."
Alice huffed, "I don't know why someone as awesome as Didi is with a di-…" She stopped herself, glancing at Didi, "… A jerk like you."
Didi gave a small, sweet smile, complete with a minute blush, "Sean has a way of growing on people."
"God, tell me about it…" Barbara groaned.
I pretended to buff my nails on my shirt, "I'm pretty awesome in my own right. Stick around, kiddo. You might learn something."
That combined with Barbara's groan was enough to send Harley over the edge. Like a catalyst, the rest of the group burst into laughter along with her. I'm pretty sure Ivy was laughing at me in particular and Jason was laughing at Barbara. Delirium was just laughing to laugh, probably getting high on the sympathetic emotions.
Alice buried her head in her hands, "This is my life now… At least, I met Death. She's cool…"
Didi patted her on the shoulder but judging by her smile, she was enjoying this just as much as the rest of us. I joined the others with a chuckle. In the middle of our laughing fit, the door to the Dead End opened.
Two women stepped through it into the bar. One was statuesque, muscled, and… covered in fur. She even had a pair of cat ears on either side of the top of her head. The fur was a golden tan like sunbaked grass, with a pattern of spots like a cheetah. Which made her identity kind of obvious.
The other woman was shorter but she didn't hold herself with any less confidence than the first. Her costume was strange, with a texture that almost looked like what you would find on leaves or petals. It was a brilliant magenta hue and though it was skin-tight, it covered almost her entire body.
The two women laid eyes on us. They froze in place. And just as suddenly as they had entered, they turned right back around and left. Our group was left blinking in surprise as our laughter died down.
"Huh… Wonder what Cheetah was doing here-…" Barbara wondered before being interrupted by another visitor stepping into the Dead End.
This visitor was much less pleasant. Both to look at and in his mannerisms. He was a wretched-looking old man, long past his time, and only kept going through evil spite. In fact, I could feel him marked for Death. Didi just hadn't found him yet. And he came right to her.
"I will have whatever power this Dead End hides! Ahahahahahaha!"
"Felix Faust… I've been looking everywhere for you," Didi said, adding a sense of menace to her soft tone that was unmatched. "Thank you for making this so much easier for me…"
She didn't even stand up. Yet we all saw the specter of Death - the one she saved for 'problem children' - form behind Didi. Including Faust. All the blood drained from his face like the trough before a tidal wave. His already haunted appearance became tortured and terrified.
"No, no, no, leave me, Grim Reaper! Nooooooo~!"
Didi laid final claim to Faust's eternal soul. In an instant, he withered and dissolved to dust. There was no chance to escape. Not for someone Didi had marked as a 'problem child'.
"So fucking cool…" Alice muttered in breathless awe.
Barbara sighed, "I don't think I'll ever get used to being friends with Death."
A few moments later, the first two visitors came back into the bar. They were accompanied by two others. A man straight out of a 1950s film noir detective movie and a young boy who was more than he seemed at first glance. All four of them entered awkwardly, almost as if they felt obligated to or resigned to their fate. making sure to step around the pile of dust where Faust just met his final demise.
The detective-looking one took off his hat respectfully, "Uh, 'morning, Lady Death, Lady Delirium."
Delirium giggled and Didi rolled her eyes, "There's no need for formalities, Doctor Occult. Call me Didi. Like always. I assume you're here for the little one?"
The good 'doctor' nodded slowly, "We are… If'n ya don't mind too much, we'd like to get a better look at her situation. We're hoping to be able to do something about the issues she's causin'."
Didi's expression grew sharp for a moment, "I hope you don't plan to do anything… final. I would have to vigorously protest if you planned on giving my new daughter her long rest."
Doctor Occult paled, "N-No, Ma'am. Definitely ain't planning something like that."
Narrowed eyes showed that Didi wasn't convinced, "Good. I would be… quite cross… with a plan like that."
"Ah, fuck…" Cheetah to herself.
"Hooo~?" The young boy - Klarion, I think - seemed more intrigued and amused than worried. "An adopted Daughter of Death? Fascinating…"
"I believe Black Alice is in good hands now, Doctor Occult," The final member - the only one I wasn't familiar with - said slowly. "Perhaps we should… leave."
Doctor Occult sighed, "Nah. I still wanna get a look at what we're dealing with here. We've just gotta reevaluate our priorities."
"Well, I'm sure Lady Death is more than capable of keeping our young target from dooming magic and the universe. Perhaps she can even fix the White Gate herself," Klarion suggested with a smirk.
"The White Gate~?" Delirium asked, perking up. "Hey~! Isn't that supposed to be my responsibility~?"
"It is, Lady Delirium," Doctor Occult swallowed hard. "You keep it closed for all of us and keep out the Madness that lurks on the other side. But we're worried Black Alice is disrupting our ability to protect the Gate on your behalf."
"Well that's not very nice," Delirium pouted, playful as a sea otter without the necrophilia bits. "Stop it, new niece~!"
Alice gaped at her, "Wha-?! I'm not doing anything! That's bullshit! I don't even know what the 'White' fucking 'Gate' is!"
Reaching across the bar, I laid a hand on Alice's arm and just shook my head, "You don't want to go there. That way lies Madness."
"Literally~!" Delirium and Harley chimed at the same time, sharing a pair of almost deranged grins.
Doctor Occult shifted awkwardly, "Right… Anyway, we still gotta check out Miss Alice, at least. Maybe we can do something for her even if we are leaving her in your care, Lady Didi."
"Hmm…" Didi hummed. "What do you think, little one?"
Alice eyed the magicians suspiciously, "Could they help me control my powers?"
"I'm sure they'll do the best they can. Isn't that right?" Didi didn't say it like a question.
She was met with a chorus of nods from the magicians, some quicker and more nervous than others. Klarion hid a fit of childish giggles behind his hand. Alice looked at Didi for confirmation. Didi just nodded encouragingly. In the end, the decision was up to Alice.
"… Alright," She said eventually with a begrudging growl. "But don't try anything! I'll be watching you! And don't think I couldn't kill you where you stand!"
With a flash of something that wasn't quite light, Alice exercised her powers. Her outfit shifted, cycling through imitations of all the magicians there. The trenchcoat and hat of Doctor Occult. The strange costume of the yet unknown hero. Klarion's useless little cape. And finally, a pair of cat ears sprouted atop her head as she borrowed Cheetah's curse.
I couldn't help but laugh, "Aww~ Don't you make such a cute little kitty~ Yes, you do~ Yes, you do~"
Alice squeaked at my baby talk, "S-Shut up! Shit, how do I turn this off?!"
She faded back to normal after a few moments. Cheetah sighed, "I wish it was that easy…"
"Sean, Dear?" Didi asked. "Would you see to Cheetah while I oversee our guests' efforts with the little one?"
"Sure. I don't mind," I shrugged.
Cheetah was surprised but seemed resigned to disappointment, "If you want. I doubt you'll be able to do anything though. My curse was laid upon me by a god."
Walking around the bar to approach her, I waved dismissively, "Weak stuff. Gods are a dime a dozen. Talk to me when you've been cursed by a Great Old One or better."
Doctor Occult did something similar, approaching Alice while holding his hands in clear view to appear non-threatening. Once he settled a respectable distance from Alice, he grunted gruffly, "Witch-Boy! C'mere!"
"Coming~!" Klarion singsonged. I focused on Cheetah while the pair of magicians began their diagnostics on Alice's power.
"You really think you can do something for me?" The beautiful, cat-like woman asked, hope creeping into her voice despite her initial reservations.
"The question isn't if I can," I said casually. "It's what you want me to do. Do you want me to completely remove the curse? I can do that easily. If you want to make it something you can control, I'll have to get a bit tricky. But that's still more than possible."
Cheetah blinked in shock, looking moments away from outright gaping at me, "How…?"
I focused my senses on Cheetah and her soul. At the same time, I absently said, "Oh, I don't think I've introduced myself. Nice to meet you, Cheetah. I'm Sean Caine. Didi's Hand."
Her mind visibly stuttered to catch up to that information, "Death's… Hand…? Oh… Yeah, that would do it."
"It would, wouldn't it?" I chuckled.
She didn't say anything more, simply falling silent in awe. I hummed as I stared into her soul. There, I could see the touch of a god. Even if there wasn't physical evidence of it, that sort of thing left a mark.
It was a potent mark, for sure. The god had touched Cheetah personally. She'd been directly molded by his divinity. The god himself was one of nature. His remnants felt like Ivy in that sense but so different in every other way. For one, the aura he left behind was so goddamn (heh) masculine it was almost toxic. Not in the modern 'toxic masculinity' sense of the word. Toxic as in it should have mind-broken any woman the god came into contact with.
He seemed like a fun guy. Still, I was here to undo his work. Work that I was only now realizing was a god's attempt at making himself a catgirl waifu. Seriously, I'd have to invite this guy around for a drink to make sure he knew there were no hard feelings.
"Got it," I nodded. "So what do you want from this? To be rid of the curse entirely or to control it for yourself?"
Cheetah paused to consider my question, still slightly in disbelief. At least her mind was working now, "I think… I'd rather control the curse. There are certain… advantages to it that I would hate to lose if I don't have to."
"Good choice. One voluntary catgirl transformation coming right up," I smirked.
Though a relatively rare occurrence even for me, I'd spent enough time around catgirls to know that the quivering of Cheetah's ears and the flicks of her tail were her version of a blush.
If she wanted me to get rid of her curse entirely, it would be as easy as taking hold of it and casting 'Death'. Since she wanted something a bit different, I had to take a more nuanced approach. I had just the spell.
It was something I developed myself when I was in a world flush with Gods, Devils, and a reality-wide tendency toward improbably perfect breasts. That last part wasn't important at the moment, I just still thought it was an odd 'rule'. With so many 'higher' beings running around, I made sure to develop certain countermeasures while I was there. This spell was one of those.
It was designed specifically for divine spells, boons, and curses. But its purpose wasn't to fight them directly. Instead, this spell wormed its way into the divine constructs that made up those phenomena and corrupted them. It twisted them back on their caster. In this case, it would give Cheetah the keys to her curse rather than leave them in the hands of the - admittedly cool - god who cursed her.
Another characteristic of that reality was its malleable magic. Thanks to that, the spell was relatively simple to cast. I didn't need special materials or a specialized ritual. Just a few million calculations and a quantifiable truckload of power.
Thankfully, both were within my reach with a bit of effort. I started the initial calculations. Now, obviously, doing each calculation manually was impossible. So the initial calculations acted as tools that automated the rest of the process. Calculations calculated more calculations. The spell cascaded into existence after that.
There wasn't anything as dramatic as a flash of magical light to signify the spell. Just a noticeable drain while it was active and a quiet ding when it was done. I wasn't so much of an idiot that I would give away a spell that was made to potentially be used in a fight with a god.
"There you go. Good as-… well, better than new."
"That's… it…?" Cheetah asked in open shock.
I nodded, "That's it. You'll have to get a feel for the process yourself but you should be able to change between this and your human form at will like any other shifter."
"I-…" Cheetah trailed off, not knowing what to say.
Satisfied with a job well done, I turned back to the others and saw everyone staring at me, "What?"
"'What?' Seriously?" Barbara huffed. "That's all you have to say?"
"Yes…? Was it that noticeable?"
I was met with blank-faced nods and Harley said, "Uh, Gothboy? Even I felt that."
Alice looked at me with her face screwed up in a confused grimace, "Dude. What the Hell was that?"
"Well, Cheetah's not cursed anymore," I shrugged. "Anyway, how's it going with little Miss Mouthy?"
She treated me with a 'menacing' growl and Doctor Occult just sighed, "It's about what we thought it'd be."
"She's contracted with a Demon," Klarion explained further. "Not on purpose. But it seems to have latched onto her prayer for help during her time of need. What's interesting is which Demon it is…"
"Valefar," Doctor Occult snarled.
I blinked, "Oh, that's easy then. Didi, do you want to take care of this one or should I?"
"I've only had Alice for 30 minutes but if anything happened to her, I would kill everyone here and then myself," Didi said in a serious deadpan. "I believe Valefar counts as 'anything'."
The effect of her words was instantaneous. Doctor Occult - a fully grown, hardened detective - hung his head as if resigned to defeat. The still unknown fourth magician stared at Didi in open-mouthed horror. Klarion sighed and seemed to make peace with himself rather quickly. Cheetah just groaned.
"Dammit. And I just found a way to take a nice hot bath without pulling my fucking fur out…"
Didi smirked at the effect of her joke, "Thankfully, it's much simpler to just kill a Demon than it is to figure out a way to kill myself."
Cheetah groaned again, this time for a different reason. Klarion blinked and then laughed as he realized she was joking. The fourth magician still stared at Didi in horror. Doctor Occult collapsed like a puppet with its strings cut. He sat down on the floor, put his head in his hands, and bemoaned the stress of his job to himself, looking nearly on the verge of tears.
Alice stared at Didi in worshipful awe, "God, you're so freaking cool."
Didi ignored her for a moment as she exercised her authority. For the briefest of moments, a portal to Hell was opened in the Dead End. Then Valefar, Demon Duke of Hell, was dragged through it, quite literally kicking and screaming. Didi didn't even give him time to adjust to his new surroundings. One moment, he was alive. The next, he was Dead as a doornail, evaporating into Hellfire.
"So. Freaking. Cool…" Alice repeated.
Didi gathered the lingering Hellfire with a few delicate plucks of her fingertips. Once she had enough, she molded it all into a ball. That ball she then inlaid over Alice's soul. I saw the intricacies of what she did. The others just saw a ball of literal Hellfire sink into Alice's chest.
Didi nodded, satisfied with herself, "There we are. All better, little one. No more Demon trying to spread chaos through you and you should find it much easier to control your powers now."
Alice cycled through a couple of different magical powers as easily as blinking. Doctor Occult, Shazam, Enchantress, even going up to what I could only guess was the goddess Hecate. I rolled my eyes. Children. They didn't give a single thought to the consequences of their impulsive actions. It seemed I might have to prepare the Dead End for divine visitors after all of this…
Once she set herself back to normal, Alice threw herself into Didi's arms, "You're awesome, Didi! I freaking love you!"
"There, there, little one. It was the least I could do," Didi returned the embrace, patting Alice's back.
"So…" Klarion smirked at Doctor Occult. "I guess that's that taken care of."
Doctor Occult sighed, sounding just so defeated, "… I need to pour a drink. Or three."
"You do realize this is a bar, right?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He blinked, "Huh… What're ya servin', Barkeep?"
I slapped him on the shoulder in commiseration, "Whatever you need, big guy. Whatever you need. The first one's on the house. As an apology for the trouble my newly adopted daughter caused you. Or you could pay me with stories and I'll wave the costs altogether."
I received a chuckle in reply, "I've got a few yarns to spin. Let me tell ya about the time I turned a Nazi broad back to the side of everything right and good in the world."
"A story in the Dead End from someone who isn't Sean. What a rare treat," Ivy chuckled.
"I kinda thought you had a monopoly on stories told here, Sean," Jason commented.
"The world ceased making sense a few months ago but this is a new one," Barbara deadpanned.
Chuckling to himself, Doctor Occult settled in at the bar. I poured him a few good fingers of whiskey and his story began with a gruff voice, "I knew the dame was trouble the moment she walked into my office…"
"Wooo~! Freakin' classic~!" Harley cheered.
Chapter 18
Two-Face was fuming mad. Everyone in the Dead End could tell. So mad he wasn't even flipping his trademark coin. He was just glaring at Catwoman with a rage to match the sun.
"Oh, calm down, Two-Face," Catwoman said, rolling her eyes. "It was just a silly little gem. It wasn't even cut yet. My fence only gave me 10 grand for it."
"I know," Two-Face forced out through gritted teeth.
"It's not like me stealing from you is anything new. I don't understand why you're so mad about this one," Catwoman waved her hand flippantly.
"Because that gem was my rent for the next two months, woman!" Two-Face yelled and raged.
That gave Catwoman a moment of pause, "Oh… You know I could spot you some cash, right, Harvey?"
Two-Face sighed, the anger seeming to drain out of him, "I know, I know… Sorry, Selina, I'm just… Well, I'm moving into a new place - a penthouse near downtown. It's nice - and I've already put down the deposit. I don't want to have to postpone rent in the very first month and then scramble to make it all up."
"What about the rest of your money, Harvey? I know you can't be as broke as you claim to be," Catwoman asked.
Two-Face grunted distractedly, "It's a bit tied up at the moment."
"With what?"
"… My coin collection."
"Your… coin collection…?"
"It's a business expense, okay?!"
"Is it, though?"
Most of the Dead End continued on as normal. My customers were more than used to arguments between villains. That they never escalated to violence was seen as a healthy bonus, a benefit of the Dead End's neutrality. At the bar, however, the regulars' heads swiveled back and forth between Catwoman and Two-Face as if watching a tennis match.
Alice wasn't any different in that regard. Confusion written across her face, she watched the two larger-than-life villains bicker like old friends. It must have been quite the sight for someone unfamiliar with the Dead End.
Even with the Dead End's neutrality, my regulars still had lives outside the bar. Lives that intertwined and came to a head at common ground. Especially for the villains.
Catwoman still stole from Two-Face. Two-Face had a tendency to run afoul of Bane and Penguin - the other two major villain gang leaders. With the numerous subordinates beneath them, all three gang leaders were frequently chosen by Scarecrow to use as test subjects.
Scarecrow and Riddler were actually good friends and they worked together quite often, both in and outside of villainy. Riddler had a longstanding beef with Cluemaster - one I couldn't really blame him for. Cluemaster totally stole Riddler's schtick. Last I heard from Cluemaster, he'd been drafted into the latest iteration of the Suicide Squad.
Gotham's villain scene was a complex web of relationships and inter-personal drama. I only kept so up to date on it thanks to running the place where everyone gathered at the end of the day. No matter what events they were currently caught up in with each other, all of the villains agreed to leave it at the Dead End's door.
Then there were also the regulars who tended to stay disconnected from Gotham's usual chain of villain politics. Deathstroke still took out mercenary contracts, though he did seem to do most of his work outside the city. Clayface was trying very hard to set his villainous past behind him.
Freeze, Harley, and Ivy basically worked for me now, staying out of most of the city's crime. Freeze was kept quite busy by his wife. I did my best to do the same for Harley and Ivy. But occasionally, Ivy would get the urge to make some grand gesture of environmental protest and Harley wouldn't hesitate to help her.
And of course, there were the heroes on top of everything else. The Bat Family had enough going on internally to rival the entirety of Gotham's villains. And their jobs tended to insert them into the rest of the 'chain' without fail. From Batman doing his little dance with Catwoman (read: flirting like mad and sneaking off to make out like teenagers) to Spoiler being the one to catch her father this time around. But even they agreed not to track 'work' into my bar.
My more mundane patrons came and went without worry or fear. Uninvolved with the city's 'main characters', they were just able to enjoy the light bickering that inevitably still spilled into the Dead End while feeling assured that they would make it home safe at the end of the night. In Gotham, it was just about the best show you could find.
I was pretty sure Alice was a Gotham native. One who'd grown up during the height of the city's villainy problem. Batman probably made his debut when she was still too young to really remember it. And while Gotham had always been a dreary, dangerous place, it didn't really have villains before Batman as it does now. For someone who grew up during Gotham's cape fervor, the Dead End was likely an almost unfathomable place.
"Is… it always like this?" Alice asked.
She paused the task she'd been assigned as she asked me that. Her short teenage attention span found more interesting things than wiping down the bar. After Didi and I adopted her, I put her to work as a sort of bargirl. She couldn't mix or serve drinks but she could clean.
In fact, she could clean and watch the villainous argument at the same time, "No slacking."
Alice grumbled at my admonishment. She got back to her task though, wiping down the bar with more force than was strictly necessary.
I answered her initial question as we both worked, "It's usually worse-… well, not worse but busier. More hectic and chaotic. This is a quiet night by the Dead End's standards. Riddler, Bane, and Penguin aren't even here yet."
Alice shot me a disbelieving look. After all, Catwoman and Two-Face - two of the city's biggest villains - were arguing at my bar. And there were enough mooks and goons to found a small army. That wasn't even counting the more normal customers - normal in the Gotham sense of the word, at least. Which meant snobby moneybags drinking, talking, and even flirting with the same kind of people who made their vintage vanilla pumpkin spice frappuccinos.
"Right…" Alice rolled her eyes skeptically.
I just shrugged, "And it's always a quiet night when Harley and Ivy are working the shop out back."
She snorted, "Now that I believe."
"How are you doing, little one?" Didi came over to check up on Alice.
Alice lit up like a lantern at Didi's attention, "Great! Awesome! I love being able to work with you, Didi!"
"She's very easily distracted," I snitched. "But I suppose we'll make a hard worker out of her yet."
"Bite me!" Alice sassed, snapping her teeth at me for emphasis.
"Alice," Didi warned. "There's no need for that."
Alice quickly ducked her head in shame, unwilling to think about disappointing Didi in any way, "Sorry, Didi…"
I chuckled, "Heh, it's okay, Didi. I've got a tough hide. She'll have to do much better than that to get under my skin."
The look Alice got in her eyes told me she took that as a challenge and I just laughed even harder at that fact.
Then Riddler walked into the bar and Alice was instantly distracted again. She focused on him in an instant like a laser. That and the snarl on her face were anything but subtle.
"Riddler!" She growled. "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face here!"
Riddler blinked in surprise, "Hello…? I'm sorry, do I… know you?"
Alice's mouth gaped open and closed like an affronted fish, "Wha-?! Of course, you do, you bastard! You kidnapped me!"
Riddler cocked his head to the side, "I did?"
"Yes!" Alice shouted, fuming. "The party on your yacht, remember?!"
"You think I can afford a yacht? I wish," Riddler snorted. "No, you must be mistaken."
Alice didn't seem to notice that she'd become part of the show - part of the villainous drama the rest of our patrons enjoyed. I don't think she would care even if she did at this point. She was very angry. Especially since she likely thought Riddler was playing dumb with her.
"I'm not mistaken, D-hole! You kidnapped me and five others! Wanted to know which one of us stole your special little diamond! You locked us in a 'coffin' at the bottom of the sea as an 'experiment'," Anyone could hear the air quotes around those words. "And wouldn't let us go until we escaped!"
Riddler paled, "Oh, dear… When was this?"
"Months ago! But I haven't forgiven you!"
He groaned, rubbing at his eyelids, "I must have had a psychotic episode while I was switching my anti-psychotic medication. I never fully remember those. I am truly, deeply sorry for wronging you, Miss."
"Yea-… !" Riddler's heartfelt apology brought Alice up short, "Uh, what? You're… sorry?"
"Indeed," Riddler nodded. "I wasn't myself and you suffered for it. I must sincerely apologize. Please, allow me to make it up to you."
Alice visibly struggled with her emotions, warring between her anger and the earnestness of Riddler's regret.
I laid a hand on her shoulder, "Breathe, Alice. I get that you're angry but he wasn't in control. He can't reasonably be held accountable for his actions. And he's STILL owning up to his mistake. You can be angry at him but this isn't something to dwell on forever. He wronged you. He also apologized. Now, it's your turn to take a step back and MATURELY assess the situation."
I knew dropping the 'M' word like that would make her reconsider her emotions. Teenagers were predictable like that. Especially with the proud look Didi gave Alice when she stopped, took a breath, and thought things through. That just sealed the deal.
Alice shrank in on herself slightly and grumbled, "… Fine. He gets to live."
Riddler blinked, "My life was in danger?"
"Of course! Do you know who my new mother is?!" Alice puffed herself up, suddenly as proud as a peacock. Behind her, I discreetly shook my head to answer his question.
He blinked again, "No…?"
"Death!" Alice said, stomping her foot in exasperation. "My mother is Death! I could have you killed in a heartbeat! Cower, fool!"
Riddler looked between Alice and Didi's amused expression, "Uh… congratulations, Didi. Have you considered a name for your new daughter?"
"Wha-?! You don't even know my NAME?!" Alice screeched shrilly.
"Sorry but I'm terribly confused at the moment," Riddler deadpanned. "First, I find out I had a psychotic criminal episode that I don't fully remember. Now, I'm finding out that Didi - Death, who also serves me alcohol - has adopted a daughter. And that I kidnapped said daughter in said psychotic criminal episode. Honestly, I'm trying to figure out why I'm not dead already."
"Oh…" Alice paused. Then she nodded as if all was right in the world again, "Good. That's the correct response to wronging the Daughter of Death."
"Alice," Didi said, finally inserting herself into the conversation. "Her name is Alice. I've decided to adopt her. Isn't she just adorable~?"
"We love her very much," I nodded, putting an arm around Didi so we could both stand there like the proudest parents in the world.
Alice groaned that typical teenage groan, "Ugh, you're so embarrassing."
"Now, Alice," I chided with a smirk. "Is that any way to talk to your father?"
"Get real, idiot! You are SO not my dad!" Alice sputtered.
"Well, I am Didi's lover… Didi, am I Alice's dad? Step-dad?" I turned the question over to Didi, ignoring even more sputters from Alice.
Didi nodded matter-of-factly, "Yes, Dear. She's my daughter now so she's yours as well."
I nodded in the same way, "There you have it. Alice, I am your father."
"No…" Alice stared at me in horror. "No… That's not true… That's impossible!"
With an indulgent smile, I continued the quote, "Search your feelings. You KNOW it to be true!"
Alice let her inner drama kid out to play, "NOOOOOOO~! No~… !"
I made a show of clenching my fist, "Alice, you can destroy the Riddler. He has foreseen this! It is your DESTINY! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and… daughter."
Alice cracked first, snorting with a silly little grin on her face, "Heh, you're a freaking dork."
I held the pose for a moment longer before allowing myself to crack as well and chuckle, "Yeah, when you live as long as me, you learn to enjoy the silly moments in life."
"Yeah, old man?" Alice sniped. "And how long is that?"
"I don't actually know," I considered. "It's all spread over several dozen lives and a few of those were centuries-long, maybe even millennia. This is my 69th go around, actually."
Alice stopped to stare at me in shock. Our audience - most of the regulars at the bar - did so as well. That might have been the first time I mentioned that little tidbit about myself. Anyone who listened to more than one of my stories could probably figure out I'd led a longer life than my appearance made it seem. But it was a bit of a leap to go from that - or even me visiting other dimensions - to 69 separate lives and a serial spree of reincarnation.
A single audible reaction cut through the shock, "Nice…"
"I'm not a bad father figure, you know," I said as Alice and everyone else shook off their shock. "You could certainly do worse. Only one of my daughters has ever tried to seriously kill me. And that was just how little Himiko showed her affection."
"Those are rookie numbers," Alice snarked, getting back into the flow of the conversation. "I'll have to see if I can pump them up. Add one more to your murderous daughter count."
"Aww~," Didi cooed. "Isn't it cute that she cares, Dear~? Don't worry, little one, I'll still love you if you kill your father."
Having it spelled out for her like that made Alice blanch, "Uh…"
Vicki slid herself into the conversation, taking the place offered by Alice's loss for words, "You know, Sean, that little Star Wars skit made me wonder something. Do you have any stories from a galaxy far, far away?"
Suddenly, the attention of everyone at the bar was focused on me. I shrugged, "Sure. I don't know why you would think I didn't."
"Maybe because it's a movie and the idea is ridiculous," Alice sassed.
"It's not that ridiculous. Have you ever heard of Multiverse Theory?" I asked.
Vicki nodded, "I suspected as much. A few of your stories turned up semi-familiar results when I looked into them."
"Bravo, Miss Reporter," I smirked. "You've discovered… popular media."
She shot me a flat stare. I chuckled and elaborated, "Okay, but really, it only makes sense when you get to a certain level. On the scale of infinity, coincidences are as common and plentiful as grains of sand. And once a certain idea gains traction outside of its reality, that reality gets pushed to the top of the proverbial pile. You'll find that many of my stories can be related back to some form of media or another, even media that hasn't been created yet."
"Fascinating…" Vicki mumbled, scribbling down my words as quickly as I said them.
"So we get a Star Wars story tonight?" Two-Face asked. The regulars were gathering around now, listening attentively for another one of my now-infamous tales.
"Darth Vader? Me~ow~," Catwoman purred. "Momma likes~"
"You like your men tall, dark, and broody. We know," Riddler deadpanned. "Everyone knows, Selina. It's not a secret or a surprise. Not when you go running off after Batman's cape every chance you get."
"Edward?" Catwoman smiled 'kindly'. "I think you should shut up now. For your own safety."
"Meep!" The quiet menace in her voice made Riddler squeak. He quickly mimed a zipper across his lips and did as Catwoman 'advised'.
I chuckled, "I think I'll leave the galaxy far, far away for another time. Alice? Tonight is your Dead End debut. Any requests? Maybe something more fitting for you? Something you're more interested in than sci-fi?"
She considered my question for a moment before a light came on in her eyes. She smirked as if she was about to show me up, "Vampires. I'm sure you've never encountered Dracula. If you did, he probably killed a dork like you instantly."
I raised an eyebrow, "Really? That's it? Vampires… You know they exist, right? Like, here in this reality, vampires exist. Even Dracula. Hell, Superman dusted Dracula. Turns out that vampires are a poor matchup against someone powered by solar energy. There's even an alternate timeline here where Batman was fully turned by Dracula."
Alice's mouth flapped open and closed as she stared at me in disbelief, "Wha-? No way!"
Didi confirmed my words with a shudder, "I find them to be loathsome and pitiable creatures. Overpowered vermin. Rarely does one of them manage to do anything worthwhile. They simply linger long after their time, forever evading my grasp. It's a fate that can be considered nothing less than a terrible curse."
I nodded, "And even outside this reality, I've encountered more than my fair share of vampires. They're a popular trope for a reason."
Alice growled. It came across as more of a pout, "Grr… Fine. I still want to hear about them…"
"As you wish, Daughter O' Mine," I let amusement play in my smile.
"Eh, I could live with hearin' about some vampires," Two-Face shrugged. "As long as they aren't those sparkly ones."
I chuckled, "Even I haven't suffered THOSE vampires."
"Good," Alice said with a visceral shudder. "They belong on the pointy end of a stake."
"All vampires belong on the pointy end of a stake," Two-Face grunted.
"Generally, I agree with you there," I nodded. "But I have encountered a few exceptions to that rule."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Two-Face challenged. "They're bloodsucking parasites on humanity! If I saw one, I'd dust that motherfucker before anything else!"
I hummed, "Hmm, do you remember when I told you all about Sunnydale?"
Vicki shuddered as memories overtook her. That was the first story she heard from me, after all, "How could we forget?"
"While most of the vampires there fell under the 'enemy of humanity' category, there were a couple there who could be considered decent. Even if I didn't get along with them personally. Vampires there weren't what you would typically think of," I explained.
"Usually, vampires are a pretty straightforward case of undeath. They're stuck somewhere between life and death, animated and kept alive by stealing the life essence of their victims. Most of the time, that means you could draw a straight line between who they once were and what they became."
"Makes sense," Riddler nodded. "Though, I have to wonder… Do vampires have souls?"
My lips twitched, "I'm getting to that. At least, in this particular universe. See, vampires in Sunnydale didn't follow that same straight line from alive to turned to undead. They thought they did but it was only a delusion. In actuality, they couldn't even be considered the same person after they were turned.
"Vampires in Sunnydale were literal demons. They were Blood Demons that possessed the corpses of their victim and imitated them so well that even the demons thought they were the victims. Without the victim's memories, the Blood Demons were barely any more intelligent than animals. They embodied Two-Face's stance on vampires better than any other example I can think of. Truly, they were parasites. Basically bloodsucking bodysnatchers.
"There were exceptions though. Two that I can think of. Angel was a vampire who was cursed to retain his soul as punishment for his crimes."
"Wait, wait, how is that fair?!" Alice demanded.
"It's not," I replied, my tone flat and direct. "It's stupid, cruel, and the people who cursed him were vindictive idiots. They dragged the victim's soul from the afterlife to answer for crimes he didn't commit. Crimes that were perpetrated by the very demon that stole his body. They cursed an innocent soul to a re-life of guilt and torment."
Didi made a little sound in the back of her throat to express her calm fury, "Dear," The lights in the bar flickered for a moment, "if we ever visit that world, I will be HAVING WORDS," Reality quivered as Death grew very still, "with those vindictive fools."
Most of my audience shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Alice just stared at Didi with stars in her eyes.
I simply nodded, "And you would be entirely right to do so. Angel wasn't the best man I've ever met but his soul didn't deserve that torture."
" NO ONE DOES…" Didi's voice became two-toned, simultaneously somber and shadowed by something greater, for a moment.
"Anyway," I moved on, laying a hand on Didi's shoulder to help her rein in her emotions. "The other exception was a vampire named Spike. He was one of the vampires Angel sired before being cursed with a soul. That whole 'family' - for lack of a better word - was a bit… special.
"Spike was captured by a secret organization within the U.S. Government and implanted with an experimental chip that made it impossible for him to harm humans. It worked and he eventually fell in love with a young human woman. For her, he fought to regain his soul."
"Awww~" Alice cooed. "That's kinda romantic!"
I shrugged, "If you say so. Personally, I think the age gap was a bit much and this young woman had a tendency to fall in love with demons. But I can respect Spike for fighting through the Demon Trials and earning his soul back."
Two-Face's expression screwed up in confusion, "What the fuck?"
"Why did he do all of that? Is it even possible for demons - that kind of demon, at least - to fall in love?" Riddler asked, inquisitive as ever.
I waved my hand so-so, "Kind of. Like I said, the whole Angelus line was… special. They alternated between the depths of evil and sin and the potential to be genuine heroes. The only explanation I've been able to settle on for their unique nature is that the whole line was a focal point of fate. I think they were favored by the Powers That Be… Fuck the Powers that Be. But that's a whole story for another time."
"They don't seem so bad," Alice said. "The vampires, I mean…"
I fixed her with an unimpressed look, "Spike and Angel were very much exceptions from the norm. Two out of millions of vampires. The rest - to a single demon - were deplorable creatures without a single redeeming quality. They weren't even cool. They were so bloodthirsty it came back around to cheesy."
"Alright, go ahead and ruin my dream of cool hot vampires, why don't you…" Alice sulked.
"There are plenty of examples of that," I laughed. "Just not from Sunnydale. What about Dracula? You started this by mentioning him and I have actually met him before. The version I met could definitely be considered hot."
Alice perked back up, "Really~?!"
"Yeah," I nodded. "Tall, dark, broody, and he wasn't even a Blood Demon. He was the much more traditional type of vampire. Considering that he was married and had a son, I think he even still had a soul. That didn't stop him from hating humanity but after what humans did to his wife, I can't say I blame him all that much."
"What'd they do to his wife?" She asked in dark fascination.
"An asshole bishop had her burned at the stake," I answered grimly. "Claimed she was a witch just because she wanted to improve medicine and actually knew what she was talking about. Lisa Tepes was a good person. She loved Vlad for who he was and didn't fear the monster he could be.
"Vlad… He was a better person with her, FOR her. He put aside his distrust for humanity and helped her pursue her goal of improving medicine. With her gone, the only thing he could think to do was wage war with humanity for what they had taken from him."
"Now THAT'S romantic!" Catwoman exclaimed, eying Alice intently. "Take notes, kitten. Just because he's dark and tortured, doesn't mean he's worth the effort. It doesn't matter how hot he is. If he's not willing to better himself and you, drop him like a sack of bricks. And if he doesn't literally fight the world for you, you drop him even faster."
"Whatever…" Alice looked away with a huff. "Not all of us can have a caped crusader trying to redeem us from our life of crime…"
Catwoman let out a purring chortle, "There aren't many men like my Bat."
"Red Hood does 'tortured and brooding' pretty well," Riddler commented.
"Oh yeah~!" Alice perked up excitedly.
"No dating until after your first century," Didi cut her off. "At the minimum, little one."
"Mooooooooommm…" Alice groaned.
I chuckled, "I only would've said 21."
"Whatever," Alice grumbled. "Get back to the freaking story already…"
"I'm curious, Mr. Barkeep, did you fight Dracula at all? Ya know, 'cause he was waging war on humanity and everything?" A mook asked.
I waved my hand dismissively, "Nah, I left that up to the Belmont boy and Vlad's kid. I just designed Vlad's castle."
"You were… an architect?" He asked, sounding somewhat stunned.
I simply shrugged, "I was off doing other stuff most of the time. Interesting world, that one. There was a lot going on with just the Cainites - vampires - and then even more when you brought in the werewolves, the mages, and the hunters. Then there was the whole Masquerade business after civilization started to thrive. By modern times, it was a proper 'World of Darkness'…"
"Masquerade? World of Darkness?" Riddler asked curiously. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, humans kept getting smarter and stronger - on a collective level, at least. And they outnumbered the vampires by a vast margin. At the same time, the vampires were getting weaker with each generation they sired as the blood of Cain was diluted or something," I explained.
"Where they once ruled the night, they began to be threatened by the very prey they hunted. So they took to hiding in the shadows. A Masquerade over the truth, if you will. They never stopped running things, of course. But they hid their true nature so the world wouldn't descend and slaughter them all. The werewolves and even the mages had similar ideas. Ergo, another world in the shadows. A World of Darkness."
"Bor~ing~" Alice rolled her eyes.
"I thought it was fascinating…" Riddler mumbled.
"Whatever. Let's get back to hot vampires! You said Dracula had a son. Was he hot?!" Alice asked intently.
I chuckled, "Objectively? Yeah, I suppose so. Alucard certainly seemed to do well enough for himself. But I couldn't really speak on that. If you want my opinion on hot vampires, you should hear about the haunting Lady Alcina Dimitrescu…"
As I said that, I made an illusion of the woman I was talking about. One that that true to life in every way that mattered. Behind the bar, the lifelike image of a statuesque woman appeared. Beautiful, hauntingly pale skin. Curves that wouldn't have been out of place on a goddess. Shimmering ruby lips quirked in a dangerous smirk. 10 feet of pure seduction and sweet death.
Alice's eyes tracked upwards. They kept going and going, ever-widening along the way as Lady D seemed to stand as tall as the ceiling of the bar. Finally, she paused on Lady D's face, frozen as it was in that elegantly deadly expression. A girl of Alice's height had to crane her neck to see Lady D's face and even then it was partially obscured by the sheer size of the towering vampire's bosom.
On the other side of the bar, the rest of my audience went through similar motions. Eye after eye tracked up and up. A good portion of them got stuck on the vast swath of cleavage Lady D had on display. The reactions were muttered and mumbled as the mere illusion of Lady D's statuesque beauty stole the air from people's lungs.
Spoiler: Lady D
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Still, they all came to a general consensus, "Holy shit…"
"I'm not gay… but yeah, holy shit," Catwoman muttered.
"I am gay!" Riddler exclaimed. "And still! Holy shit!"
"Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry…" A regular goon mumbled himself in circles, trying and failing to come to terms with the sight of Lady D.
"I want to fucking BE her…" Alice said, her voice soft but firm as if she'd just discovered a new dream for herself to chase.
"She is quite pretty," Didi observed. She was the calmest one in the room.
"Barkeep, you are one lucky motherfucker," Two-Face raised a toast in awe. "I'd sure as Hell climb that woman."
"I'm not," I deadpanned.
"What do you mean?!" Two-Face asked, sounding almost offended. "You didn't try your damn best to tap that? That?! She could crush my skull with her thighs and I'd die the happiest man in the world!"
I shook my head, "Lady D was - unfortunately - a colossal bitch. Just completely insufferable. She was a misandrist. No, that's too light a word. She was a Man-Hater. Capitalized. To the point of homicide. Genocide if she could have gotten away with it."
Two-Face winced, "Ah, one of those. Damn. Shame. What a waste."
"On multiple occasions," I continued. "She tried to torture me, kill me, and feed me to her daughters. She hated men with the wrath of God. She called men 'man-thing', didn't see them as anything more than cattle, and took sick pleasure in torturing anything with a penis."
Alice grimaced, "Dammit… Yeah, that's not cool. That's not cool at all. Dammit! Why can't I have a healthy, sexy, vampire, female role model!?"
"That's probably for the best. Lady D wasn't even technically a vampire. She was a mutated biological weapon who just happened to be very fond of blood," I shrugged. "Oh well. There's always the big titty police girl to look up to."
Alice's expression went flat, "What."
"Sean," Didi gave me a stern look. "Please explain why you want our new daughter to model herself after a 'big titty police girl'…"
I laughed, "It sounds worse than it is. Seras Victoria was actually a great person and a better vampire. She was just given that nickname by her asshole of a boss. Alucard was insane but funny. That whole world danced on the razor's edge of sanity. Hell, I swear it fell off that edge more often than not."
"Alucard?" Alice's curiosity was perked again as my words pacified her. "Wasn't that the name of Dracula's son?"
"Different world," I answered. "In this world, Alucard was Dracula. It was the name he used in modern times."
"How original…" Riddler deadpanned.
"Huh?" A mook made an unfortunately unintelligent noise with his face twisted in confusion.
"Alucard is Dracula backward," Riddler explained.
"Ohhhhhhh," An almost disturbing amount of the mooks in the audience realized that at the same time.
I fought very hard to keep from rolling my eyes, "Anyway, when I met him, Alucard was acting in the role of a weapon for a British organization called Hellsing. If it went bump in the night, Hellsing killed it. And Alucard was saved for the real big stuff. Of course, that left him quite bored, quite often. And he began to amuse himself with… 'quiet walks'."
My smirk when I said that last sentence told my audience everything they needed to know, "I really can't stress enough how utterly bonkers this world was. On one of his 'quiet walks', Alucard ran into Seras. She was being held hostage by a sort of bog-standard vampire guy.
"The vampire started monologuing or going on about something. But see, Alucard didn't care. He didn't even know who the 'dastardly villain' was. He was just out for a walk, trying to find something interesting. And he found it. And he killed it. As he was wont to do.
"Shot the vampire straight through the heart with a silver bullet. 'Course, he also shot Seras. But he turned her because - and I quote - she looked like 'A puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy'."
Alucard's quote got a few shocked snorts of humor. I certainly had everyone's attention. They didn't quite know what to make of this story yet. I hid a grin. They had no idea what was about to hit them.
"So Seras was a tiny, slip of a girl. 5'2" at most. Very well endowed though, as the nickname suggests. And what does Alucard do after turning her into a vampire? He gives her an anti-material rifle."
"W-What?" Catwoman choked.
"I suppose… for a vampire… that might make sense," Riddler slowly considered. "They'd certainly be able to handle the recoil."
"Oh, I assure you, something so reasonable didn't even enter into Alucard's mind," I dismissed, losing the battle against my grin.
Riddler blinked, "Then… why?"
My grin was out in full force now, "Why, because 'Bitches love cannons', of course."
The punchline took a moment to land. There was a bark of laughter that seemed to come as a surprise even to the one who laughed it. Then a brief hiccup of laughter and another until my whole audience was laughing. The laughter was only helped along by me manifesting a little model of Seras, complete with a 'cannon' longer than she was tall.
Spoiler: Seras
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Catwoman wiped a tear of humor from her eye, carefully minding her claws, "He's not wrong. 'Bitches' do love their cannons."
"It's me," Alice giggled. "I'm 'Bitches'."
I joined in with a chuckle, "God, the stories I could tell about Alucard and Hellsing would keep us here all night."
"He does seem like a pretty cool guy," Two-Face said.
"Guy? Alucard?" I screwed my face up in mock confusion. "He wasn't a guy. He was a 'Real Fuck-Mothering Vampire'."
The laughter restarted and Two-Face shot me a dead look. I just grinned back at him. He rolled his eyes.
"Har de har, Barkeep."
"I'm serious. He called himself that. He killed a lot of people to get that title; he deserved to be called such. And besides, his concept of gender - most things, really - was about as fluid as blood."
Alice looked as if she was about to start worshipping the ground Alucard walked on, "So. Freaking. Cool! I wanna hear more about Seras! She sounds like a badass!"
I chuckled, "That she was. Just a rightly lovable little bundle of pint-sized vampire violence and fury. That whole world was badass. Insane. But badass. I haven't even gotten to what the Nazis were up to."
My last sentence brought pause to my audience. Almost as one, they all turned and simply stared at me. The collective flatness of their expressions looked like it only could have been made by a hydraulic press.
"Excuse me…? Nazis?" Riddler 'asked'.
I nodded matter-of-factly, "Nazis. It's always Nazis, isn't it? They even managed to sack London this time around."
"Oh, God," Someone groaned.
"Funny you should say that. Because at least the Catholic Church was there to save everyone…" I trailed off.
"Thank God! The Catholic Church!" Their relief was audible. It didn't last.
"From themselves!" I cut back in with a grin.
Their faces fell with realization, "Oh no… The Catholic Church…"
Chapter 19
On an otherwise routine night, the Dead End received two visitors. They were unexpected. And they required special attention from me. Mostly because I had them banned on a technicality before they showed up.
Thankfully, the two mystery guests weren't on the permanent ban list. They weren't big names who I'd banned for good reason like the Bat-Who-Laughed or Barbatos. They'd just been caught in the crossfire when I first set up the ban list.
I'd set up the ban list with a few tentative entries, meant to be subject to further review in the future. These were the villains of Gotham who I thought MIGHT cause problems - if they were so inclined. As opposed to the ones who I KNEW would cause problems or disregard the neutrality I offered - mainly Joker and Zsasz, who were both taken care of at the moment.
Of the latter list, the beings who remained were anything but 'street-level'. I was prepared to deal with them if they showed up but I had a feeling they wouldn't. Besides, if they did show up, this whole dimension was in danger. At that point, I had no problem with slipping on the big boy boots and showing them why their narratives weren't welcome in my comfy retirement life - something I didn't even have to do with the Joker because he straight-up WASN'T THAT BIG OF A THREAT.
Of the former… well, Killer Croc and Solomon Grundy had just shown up at my door. They were on the tentative list but I simply hadn't gotten back around to reviewing their preemptive bans.
Croc was 'banned' mainly because I wasn't sure if this version of him was an unrepentant murderous cannibal or a misunderstood monster. Grundy because I wasn't sure how Didi felt about his current undead state of being. Otherwise, I didn't have a problem with him so I was content to let Didi have the final say on his ban.
It seemed I would be reviewing their bans on the fly now though. Two hulking monstrosities in the vague shape of men were trying their best to fit through my front door. At the same time. It was so awkward as to be humorous. Especially as Grundy didn't seem to realize what was wrong and Croc was glaring at him, stuck in the doorframe as Grundy kept futilely trying to walk forward.
The majority of the bar had stopped what they were doing to silently watch the two 'monsters' struggle. I sighed. They wouldn't even be able to get in if they could fit. The only reason my protections hadn't thrown them out yet was because they were technically on the threshold, not past it.
They didn't show up with violence. Their peaceful attitude and the awkwardness they were currently stuck in did wonders toward dismissing them as threats. Enough so that I felt comfortable extending them a hand in peace.
"Come on in, boys," I said after a few moments of consideration.
Mentally, I altered my wards so they wouldn't immediately kick the unlikely pair out on their asses. Physically, I waved a hand. The doorway expanded for a moment, letting both 'monsters' fall through it before immediately shrinking back down.
Grundy didn't even pause. Slowly and purposefully, he got back to his feet and continued toward the bar with a pace of carefully methodical stomps. Croc lay on the floor for a moment, seeming to lament existence itself. Then he got back up and followed Grundy up to the bar.
People cleared out of their path immediately. To be fair, they made for an intimidating sight. Croc was six and a half feet of scales, teeth, claws, and rippling muscles. Grundy was just BIG. He wasn't necessarily muscled. Just an absolute unit of a man, even taller and wider than Croc.
"Hel-… 'Lo…" Grundy said slowly, carefully enunciating his syllables. "Solomon… Grundy… would like… to drink… It would… please… very much… to try a… whiskey sour… Solom-… I… believe I liked it… very much… at one point."
For someone so supposedly 'slow', Grundy was quite talkative. The regulars at the bar cleared a space for the two of them. Grundy continued standing as if he didn't realize the significance of the action, didn't realize he was supposed to sit down. Croc, however, took one of the offered seats, raising a wickedly clawed finger.
"Uh, hi," His tone was surprisingly meek for how menacing and gruff his voice was. "Just water for me. Uh, clean water, please… Anything's fine, really. I'm just really thirsty. I can pay though!"
As if to prove his point, Croc dug into a pocket of the tattered, ripped jeans he wore. They jingled like a full purse as he did. He brought his clenched fist up onto the bar. When he opened it, an embarrassing amount of change fell out to clatter against the bar. If a crocodile could blush, I'm sure Croc would have been luminescent.
"Keep it," I shook my head. "I'm not going to charge you for water."
I slid a glass of water in front of him and he stared at it as if hypnotized for a moment before saying in an uncharacteristically soft voice, "… Thank you."
Grundy stared at the coins that were still scattered on the surface of the bar, "Do I… need… shiny, shiny coins… as well…?"
"Yeah, money is usually exchanged for goods and services," I explained casually.
He shifted his gaze up to my face, "Ah… I do not have… shiny, shiny coins. I… apologize."
The dead way he said it got a chuckle out of me, "We'll start a tab for you, big fella. That way you just have to worry about paying me back at some point."
"Drinks for cash… Do not do dash… Pay the tab… Or else be sad-b…" Grundy nodded slowly, coming up with a mnemonic rhyme on the spot.
"7/10," I praised. "Simple but I liked the 'sad-b' bit."
"It helps me… remember…" Grundy grunted.
"Seem's like it's working, bud," I nodded. "You're sounding sharp. Sharper than I thought you would."
"I have… begun to remember… Who I was… Who I am… It is… Madness."
"Is that so?" I hummed, examining him closer. "Do you know what you are now?"
"A revenant… The library was… helpful."
"They do tend to be. You know what that means though, right?"
He nodded gravely, "I am… dead. I didn't even… realize."
"Got it in one, big guy. And I'll be honest with you. I had you banned from the bar because of that. I don't know how my partner feels about you. She can give you peace if you wish it. You won't have to linger anymore."
"I… do not understand…"
Didi came over, inserting herself into the conversation. A sense of weight came with her. A sense of importance. It lurked just past the threshold. But even with it shadowing her, Didi looked at Grundy with kindness and understanding in her eyes.
"Hello, Cyrus. Perhaps I can clear things up for you. I'm Death. But you can call me Didi like everyone else."
Despite how slow he spoke, Grundy was surprisingly canny, "I have… wronged you… My existence… It is an affront."
Didi smiled beautifully, at once forgiving and inspiring, "Perhaps at one point, yes. But now? You're changing, Cyrus. Not back to who you once were. Not into an undead abomination of someone who once lived. This is your second chance. A fresh start. Take the name 'Solomon Grundy' and make it your own. You have my blessing."
A certain intangible light seemed to fill the bar with Didi's words. The weight behind her transferred past its already ethereal shadow. It wasn't in any way visible. Just something that had to be felt to be believed as it sunk into Grundy.
Death's blessing. A new birth. One that took place after death a century of unlife. Everyone watching knew they were witnessing something special. But they didn't know what. They couldn't. Only I could see the full extent of what Didi was doing.
The embers of a soul long since passed over to the other side sparked. They were already starting to glow, to flare up into a whole new fire. Didi lovingly cupped them in her hands and blew, helping the process along. As she blew, she breathed the other half of her aspect into Grundy.
It wasn't everything. It was only a start. But it was the start of something special. Something unique. An undead with Death's blessing. A new man with memories of an old one. A beautiful beginning of contrasts.
It was enough. Grundy sat straighter. His skin - gray as concrete - took on a slightly new hue. It wasn't nearly pink. But it was closer to the off-white of bone than the ugly dead color it was before. For a single moment, Grundy's chest rose and fell. It only lasted a single breath. But it was enough. A taste of life for the man who'd forgotten what it felt like.
"I feel… different," Even his voice cleared up slightly, sounding less gravelly even as it stayed as carefully considered as ever.
Didi laughed, sounding like tinkling bells, "I should hope so. If Death's blessing had no effect on you, I might just have to retire. Though, perhaps that wouldn't be so bad. I could spend all my time here, after all."
She eyed me with a sidelong glance. I shook my head, "Please don't. You know who your replacement will be."
"Probably some unholy combination of Nekron and the Life Entity," Didi nodded sadly. "Yes, that wouldn't be pleasant for anyone. I suppose it's a good thing I quite like my role."
"This means you're cool with Grundy being allowed in the bar, right?" I asked.
"Oh, yes. I've taken an interest in his situation. Undeath unraveled by Madness. I simply have to show Delirium when she comes around again."
I hummed, "Hmm, then maybe we should keep him close at hand. Hey, Grundy? How would you like a job?"
Grundy simply stared at me, his expression unreadable. It would have made most normal people flinch. But I couldn't see any malice, offense, or even confusion in his eyes. He looked like he was thinking. It just seemed to take him longer than others to put his thoughts together.
"Employment… is necessary… for money. Money… is necessary… to pay tab… To not be sad-b… I would like… a job."
"Uhm…" Croc spoke up as well. "I wouldn't mind a job either. Nowhere else hires me. For obvious reasons. But if you're hiring Grundy, maybe you'd hire me too…?"
I turned to give him a considering look up and down. It must have looked odd for just a simple look from me to have this massive, menacing crocodile man fidgeting in his seat. But I felt safe to say my worries about this version of him were completely unfounded. This version was Croc the 'misunderstood monster', not Croc the 'murderous cannibal'. Honestly, he seemed like a sweetheart.
"Yeah, I think I can find a place for you too, Croc," I finally nodded firmly, my decision made.
Croc deflated all at once as if all the bones went out of him, "Oh, thank God… I'm so tired of digging through the sewers and dumpsters for scraps. This is the first clean, filtered water I've had since getting out of Arkham."
"Where will… we be… working?" Grundy asked. "I would like to know… if I need… to get any… certifications. Also… do you provide… employee benefits…?"
"Oh, yeah… Damn, I'd kill for dental," Croc muttered, mostly to himself.
I couldn't help but laugh, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you boys. Dental, medical, vacation days, and PTO, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. As for where you'll be working… Have either of you heard of my little Colosseum project yet?"
They shook their heads and I grinned. Honestly, this was perfect timing. I was just about finished with the Colosseum of Crime - the neutral ground arena that was meant to be used to settle gangland disputes in Gotham. It was the solution we decided on at that eventful parlay.
While not a perfect solution, it was pretty damn good to police the lawless section of society. A system based on wagers and something approaching honor. These people - the gangs, villains, and crime families - didn't respond well to strict legal oversight. They were the ones society had failed. And through that failure, they began to prefer taking their lives into their own hands.
The Colosseum of Crime allowed for just that. A place for the darker parts of society to settle their issues and disputes with each other without involving innocent bystanders or nosy busybodies. As it turns out, even criminals didn't like collateral damage. Most of them still had a conscience and certain lines were still seen as 'too far'. Innocent casualties brought all too much attention to them. Honestly, the whole thing was just unproductive and better off avoided.
In that way, the Colosseum was a godsend. A space where personal violence was king in a relatively safe and contained way. There would be rules but not enough to make the whole thing feel stifling.
It was just what the Dead End was missing. Not just for the city's gangs and villain population. Even just the guys and gals who got into arguments and whatnot inside the bar would benefit. They didn't have to 'take things outside' anymore. Not when there was a safe and sanctioned way for them to throw hands with each other.
I dedicated a good portion of my free time to constructing the Colosseum. But once it was done, I was planning on mostly wiping my hands of the whole project. I didn't have the time nor the desire to run it 24/7. So hiring a pair of big guys to act as enforcers and referees was perfect for me.
Though it was physically connected to the Dead End, the Colosseum of Crime wasn't as simple as a refurbished basement or anything like that. I'd carved out a little space between the layers of reality and set it aside for my purposes. From there, it was connected to an empty stairway in the bar that led down to nowhere.
I liked the theatrics of having someone walk into pure darkness to get to where they wanted to go. Hopefully, it would be enough for those petty impulsive people to rethink their course of action. If not, I made sure to include an automated medical station so they wouldn't have to face permanent consequences for their poor decisions. No accidental deaths would stain my hands.
For the arena itself, I took inspiration from a pastime from one of my past lives. Something that was known in that universe as 'Rating Games'. It was something done by a species of Devils who were obsessed with personal power, both a means of entertainment and a method of social mobility.
The Rating Game formula was an interesting take on combat for entertainment but I didn't borrow anything other than the arena they took place in. While I was in that life, I'd been something of a mage. The spells and enchantments used in the Rating Games caught my attention at one point and I spent a while studying them.
Ajuka Beelzebub - the creator of Rating Games - might have been a literal Devil but the man was also a genius the likes of whom I'd rarely met before or since. His Evil Pieces and the Rating Games that spawned from them were masterpieces of magic.
My Colosseum borrowed heavily from the enchantments that made the Rating Game arena so special. The 'playing field' was configurable. Just about anything could be changed however the fighters decided. It could become anything from a small one-on-one arena to a field that armies could fight upon, with environments up to and including the void of space.
I made sure to add my own twist to the enchantments though. Mostly for safety reasons. In a Rating Game, the fighters were kept safe from most forms of damage past a certain point. There was, however, an unavoidable exception when it came to instant kill attacks.
I eliminated that exception. With Didi's permission, I put Death on pause in the Colosseum. Anything that would have resulted in death would count as a loss but not an actual loss of life. Ajuka's enchantments already did a pretty good job of teleporting the fighters out of fatal damage. I just went that extra step to make sure they wouldn't fail at preventing events outside their power.
All in all, I was satisfied with my efforts. I'd likely have to make some adjustments as the Colosseum was put into practice. I wasn't perfect. But as it was, the Colosseum was just about ready to open.
Vicki had already asked me about filming some of the fights that took place there. For once, I was hesitant to indulge her ambitions. At least, when it came to the usual fights the arena would be used for. I felt that the gangland disagreements probably shouldn't be broadcast to the public.
Maybe I'd allow showcases or exhibitions though. Get a few villains and heroes together to put on friendly spars that were purely for entertainment. That much seemed like fair game. Just not criminal disputes and deathmatches between Gotham's gangs, even if no one would fully die from them.
The exhibition idea seemed like it would be much more palatable than gangland grudge matches. And of course, I hadn't forgotten that I owed Barbara a spar of our own. I doubt that one will be broadcast but it was a good way to christen the Colosseum before it officially opened.
Croc got my attention, asking for clarification, "You're not going to, uh, make us fight… are you?"
"No," I shook my head. "That would be a waste of your talents. I'm going to put the two of you in charge of the arena itself. You'll be my overseers and peacekeepers. Referees who make sure everything is run fairly with a side of bouncing, basically."
"I think I can do that…" Croc nodded slowly.
"I would like… a whistle," Grundy requested.
I laughed, "I'll do you one better, buddy. How do you feel about a whole uniform?"
"That is… acceptable."
I couldn't help but grin. They seemed like good people to have working for me. They'd certainly keep even the gangs on the straight and narrow. Also… Croc and Grundy would look hilarious in striped ref shirts with little whistles hanging around their necks.
"Hey, Farm-Girl. Long time, no talk. We should connect and catch up. I have so many things to tell you and maybe vent about. A lot has happened. Love, Babs."
Barbara mumbled to herself under her breath as she wrote the text and hit send without hesitation. Then she left Kara's reply for later.
It was about time she got around to texting her Kryptonian friend. Especially now that she was more sure than ever that Sean was a good choice for Kara's romantic life - as non-existent as said romantic life was at the moment.
She also just missed her friend. She missed fighting crime with Supergirl and she missed the simple, silly, girly talks they had when they weren't 'working'. They'd drifted apart slightly during her time as Oracle.
It wasn't Kara's fault. If anything, it was Barbara's. She was dealing with all sorts of feelings of inferiority, uselessness, and self-loathing at the time. It wasn't easy to be paralyzed from the waist down for years, to feel like everything you worked toward was lost to you.
Still, she knew Kara. And she wouldn't have turned her back on Barbara for something so petty. Kara was probably worried about her and giving her space. So Barbara easily decided to extend a hand to her friend now that she was doing better.
Hopefully, they could rekindle their friendship. Knowing the utter cinnamon roll Kara was, Barbara had no doubts on that front. She'd have to be careful when they met up again. Kara was likely to try and crush her ribs on accident with the hug she would give her.
That was all to be worried about later though. Barbara had a calendar to keep. A d-date… Sean said his little Colosseum project was finished. He'd invited her over to christen it with that spar he'd promised her.
Barbara knew what she was doing. This might not have been a traditional date but it was their first together. She was prepared to treat it as such. Just, instead of dinner and a movie, they'd be sparring. Flirting through fighting. She wasn't Cass - someone who spoke body language more easily than English - but Barbara thought she could handle that much.
Part of her was thrilled that Sean was still interested in her. Another part was perplexed. Were Harley, Ivy, and even Death not enough for him?
… No. No, they really weren't. Not from what Harley was telling her on the not-so-low. The jester couldn't help but wax poetic, going on and on about 'Gothboy', his 'Gothboy D', and the 'mind-breaking sex' they had together. She wasn't even subtle in trying to get Barbara to join them. Not like Ivy was. She at least kept things mostly appropriate for polite conversation.
But it seemed that they were in on the game together. Not surprising. It certainly sounded like they needed all the help they could get.
It honestly made Barbara nervous. Excited. Oh so excited. But nervous as well. From Harley's accounts, there was a good chance Barbara would die of dehydration if she faced - fucked - Sean alone. Which sounded like just the thing she needed after a three-year dry spell. It also made the harem-type relationship make more sense and imposed the wisdom of getting Kara involved into Barbara's mind.
That… That was going to be fun. Potentially dangerous too. Mainly because of Superman's reaction when he found out Barbara and Sean were 'corrupting' his baby cousin. Kara was notoriously innocent and naive when it came to things of a sexual nature. Barbara was about 90 percent sure she still thought kissing led to babies.
That belief was something that shouldn't have been possible. Barbara knew Ma and Pa Kent had explained the birds and the bees to Kara. Yet Barbara was still pretty confident that's what Kara thought. When it came to intimacy and sex, Kara was practically a saint. And not the Mary Magdalene kind.
Honestly, Barbara had a hunch that Kara was using her apparent purity to mask quite a bit of sexual desire. Maybe even from herself. No one was THAT pure. All she knew for sure though was that Kara deserved a chance at pleasure and Barbara would need all the help she could get when it came to Sean.
Barbara took a fortifying breath. This was fine. No problem yet. It wasn't like she was just going to jump right into the thick of it. This was a scouting mission. A scouting date…
Yeah, she was just being properly prepared. She wasn't about to jump out of her panties and throw all caution to the wind, right? The fact that said panties were absolutely scandalous at the moment was just a precaution, of course. It wasn't an indication of intent.
So what if they were also practically soaked through already?! That wasn't Barbara's fault! And it certainly didn't say anything about how stupidly sexy Sean was. Or how definitely not thirsty Barbara was.
It was a perfectly natural bodily response to excitement and nervousness. Nothing more. Anyone who said differently was a liar. A big, stupid, sexy liar… Dammit, Sean would totally say differently.
Sean smirked at her. That stupid, sexy smirk that she hated and loved in equal measure. He always had a way of getting her blood flowing, her heart pumping, and better left unmentioned parts of her body 'responding'.
"Ready?" He asked.
Barbara blinked. Huh? When did…? Oh, was she really that distracted by her thoughts? Looking back on the previous few moments, she'd been on complete autopilot. She'd even greeted Sean and they'd made a bit of small talk as they adjourned to the arena. Coincidentally, that was when her denial and 'stupid sexy' thoughts started.
She shook her head clear, "Yeah, I'm ready. Are we doing this with any rules? No offense, Sean, but can you even fight?"
Sean chuckled, "I know a thing or two. Physical violence is a language that carries over between realities."
"Cass will be ecstatic to hear that," Barbara deadpanned. "But I was asking if you could hope to match me. Not to brag, but I'm pretty damn good at what I do. Especially after you healed me and made me a Goddamn super soldier."
She glared at him slightly with her last sentence. He just grinned unrepentantly, "I'm not apologizing. It may have been an accident initially but I've grown rather fond of you, Barbara. I'm more than happy to be able to contribute toward keeping you safe in your line of work."
Though her glare was fiery, her cheeks weren't far behind, "Stop dodging my question."
"I think I'll be able to hold my own," Sean laughed, brushing off his shoulders in an arrogant way that Barbara knew was just for show. "I've been trained in several different martial arts over the years. I'm no slouch when it comes to purely physical combat, even if it has been a while since I focused solely on it."
"Hmm, we'll see," Barbara hummed, trying to play off her blush by completely ignoring it. "I'm planning on putting you through the wringer, even if we are keeping this to a friendly spar. I wanna see what you can do, Sean. Show me~"
She purposefully put a bit of a teasing, taunting lilt into her request. Considering the return of Sean's stupid sexy smirk, he caught it. Barbara ruthlessly squashed down on the fluttering butterflies it inspired in her stomach. She shook herself loose, bouncing on the balls of her feet and letting her nervous, excited jitters roll through her as she settled into a ready stance.
Sean did the same across from her, "I'll keep myself to about your level. No magic. No other abilities. Just me, you, and our physical bodies~"
"I won't go easy on you just because you're hot, Sean," Barbara said, her voice growing focused and serious despite her words.
Damn stupid sexy smirk, "I'm counting on it."
No, play it cool. You can do this, Barbara! "Well, I'd hate to ruin such a pretty face but you asked for it… !"
She coiled like a snake and sprung into action. A right feint threatened Sean's guard before Barbara slipped inside of it. She turned, planted her foot, and prepared to throw Sean over her shoulder.
Like water, Sean seemed to fall through her fingers. Barbara found that she couldn't keep track of him as he slipped away. She certainly kept track of the light boop he placed on her nose though.
She growled. He laughed. And then he flipped away. Quite literally flipped. His sudden nimbleness gave Barbara some pause. She didn't expect him to move like Dick. But he did. Perhaps even more agilely with the way he seemed to pause in mid-air to grin at her.
"What the Hell was that?!"
"Not used to fighting people who know how to dodge, Babs~?"
" THAT was not a dodge. That was you showing off."
"Perhaps. Did it look cool?"
"… Yes."
"Heh."
"Shut up…"
Barbara closed the distance again. Her fists lashed out, probing his defenses. Sean bobbed and weaved. He danced around her strikes. Once or twice, she made him physically deflect but most of his dodges were so fluid he didn't have to.
He sighed as he pushed a punch to the side, "Man, it's been so long since I moved like this."
"You don't seem very rusty," Barbara observed casually.
Neither of them was feeling very pressed even as they moved at speeds that would have boggled the normal human mind. Sean ducked. Barbara swung a roundhouse kick over his head. This was still merely the beginning.
Their little 'warmup' kicked up a bit of dust in the small, packed-dirt arena Sean had summoned up with the Colosseum's enchantments. Barbara kept probing Sean's defense, carefully watching each time he danced out of the way. He moved like a master, someone who was well-used to this level of combat.
She struck out with fist and foot. Nothing seemed able to touch Sean. An elbow strike was pushed wide. For a moment, Barbara found herself pushed up against Sean as he pulled her into him and sent her spinning away like a dancer.
All the while, he grinned an infectious grin. Barbara couldn't help but match it. It was rare to find someone able to stand toe to toe with her outside the Bat Family. She was having fun. With that realization, she kicked the spar up a gear.
A quick snap of her leg should have planted her heel firmly in Sean's chest. He leaped at the last moment. Impossibly, he seemed to alight on her outstretched leg. Then he was leaping again, up and over her head.
Barbara tracked him as he flipped and twirled above her. He went vertical, upside down. They stared at each other as time seemed to slow to a crawl. They were face to face as if Sean was standing the wrong way around on thin air.
Barbara couldn't stop her eyes from darting to Sean's lips and the stupid sexy smirk that rested there. The moment passed just as quickly as it came. Sean continued his parabolic arc. Barbara turned on a dime, lashing back out with the same leg that he'd 'perched' upon.
For the first time in the spar, Sean made an attack of his own. Only it wasn't directed at Barbara. His kick hit thin air on purpose. Against everything Barbara knew about physics, the kick was enough to change Sean's trajectory. He flowed around Barbara's strike, landing neatly as if he was doing the two-step instead of an acrobatic move that would have made Dick blush.
"Okay, bullshit!"
"Quite. You should have seen my reaction the first time an old friend pulled that move on me."
"No, bullshit! That's impossible!"
Even with her exclamation, Barbara didn't stay idle for a single moment. She was already moving again. She swept for his legs. Sean somehow twirled away from the sweeping strike, stepping over and around it while still never leaving her range. He was impossible to pin down.
She closed to box with hits that would have dropped men twice her size. Not even Cass was this tricky to fight. Oh, she would just love this. She knew enough to say that Cass would have already stripped naked and jumped Sean if she had been in Barbara's position. Barbara almost wished she could be that forward.
Even at this closer distance, Sean didn't have any trouble ducking Barbara's punches. And she'd just about stopped holding back by now. Her arms were nothing but flashes of fists. Yet Sean was always just out of reach. With that infuriatingly attractive - stupid sexy - smirk never leaving his kissable - stupid sexy - lips.
"Don't you know, Babs~?" Sean teased. "In a fight, Anything Goes."
He leaped away from her like he was backpedaling up an invisible staircase. Mid-air, he started a flip that quite literally didn't make sense. Yet Sean did the impossible as easily as he breathed.
"That's not an excuse to break the laws of physics!" Barbara shouted. Despite herself, she could feel the grin that was stretching across her face.
"Oh? Why not?"
"Don't fucking start, Sean!"
"You should try it sometime. It's a lot of fun."
"I'm going to beat some sense into you! You're going to follow simple logic like the rest of us and you're going to like it!"
"No thank you. Why would I limit myself to what's 'logical' and 'possible'?"
"'Cause-! 'Cause-! Argh, that's just how things work!"
"Only if you expect them to. I'd rather not tie myself down like that. I'm something of a free spirit."
"You're about to be REALLY free of spirit when I catch you!"
Barbara dashed after him. What started as a spar turned into a game of cat and mouse. As if it wasn't that from the start… If anything, Barbara felt more like the mouse even though she was the one currently chasing.
Sean was toying with her. Normally, she might have been just a bit peeved by that realization. With Sean though, she just found herself excited.
Mostly because of everything she already knew about him. Sean was just 'LIKE THAT', doing laughably ludicrous things and drawing her into his pace so Barbara had no choice but to live in the moment.
Maybe Cass had the right idea. This was one Hell of a way to do foreplay. Her heart was racing. Her face hurt from smiling so much. Her whole body tingled, set alight with the kind of excitement that left her stomach fluttering.
Paradoxically, the impossible things Sean was doing helped to put Barbara at ease. Normally, her mind would have been furiously working up counters and documenting everything she saw. Here and now, though, Barbara could just let herself go to the moment.
Because this was Sean. Someone who molded impossibility like clay. He ran a bar that was routinely filled with heroes and villains alike and kept the peace even then. He told stories from other worlds and lives. He killed the Joker and made sure he would stay dead this time. He might as well have been married to Death herself, for goodness sake!
He was already beyond their understanding. Beyond their need and desire to prepare. Barbara didn't have to give in to the infamous Bat paranoia when she was with him. Because - not only were his motives transparent and potentially beneficial - he was WAY above her paygrade.
Some may have found that worrying. Having met Sean, Barbara found it almost comforting. Even when she was in costume, she didn't have to be on the clock with Sean. He challenged what she thought was possible and Barbara was thankful for it. It meant she never knew what to expect next.
Not so subtly thrilled by the prospect, Barbara chased after Sean. The wide smile on her face said it all. Still, she shouted, playing up her anger. Barbara thought she made a pretty good straight man to Sean's wise guy.
"Make sense, damn you! No! No, that's bullshit! That's not how gravity fucking works!"
"I'll let you in on a little secret, Babs~… I don't care."
"Oh, Hell no! That's-! That's illegal! It's my duty to-! Hahaha~! My duty to stop you!" Barbara cracked halfway through her declaration.
Sean laughed with her. In a flash, he dashed toward Barbara, seemingly unconstrained by gravity. It was like he floated in mid-air, running on nothing. Barbara squeaked and the rest of her angry act broke down into giggles.
He swept her into his arms. The first instinctive punch was ignored with a tilt of his head. Then Barbara had to cling to Sean as he seemed to take off and fly. A single leap took him higher than what should have been humanly possible.
The suddenness of it all took Barbara for a ride. Between one blink and the next, the ground grew so far away. And when she expected to fall, she and Sean stayed up. Just floating leisurely like two leaves on the wind.
"Wait, can you just fly?!" Barbara asked slightly shrilly. "Have you just been messing with me this entire spar?!"
Sean chuckled, "No, this isn't flight. I mean, I could probably work something out for that, even in this body and reality. But this is all possible without the power for self-propelled flight."
Barbara deadpanned at him, "Bullshit. Just. Bullshit."
"I've already told you how I'm doing all of this," Sean said, amusement dancing across his features. "Anything Goes."
Barbara made a noise somewhere between a huff and a laugh, "That doesn't actually explain all that much, Sean."
Thankfully for her sanity, he elaborated, "It's a discipline of martial arts. Just… probably not the kind of martial arts you're familiar with. You know those Chinese martial arts films where someone flies through the air by kicking as if that does anything?"
"Yeeeeaaaahhhh…?" Barbara said skeptically, already kind of seeing where he was going with this.
"Yeah, that's possible. Or at least, it was possible where I learned this martial art and I seem to be able to transition my skills with it here."
"Bullshit."
"It's Anything Goes. Of course, it's bullshit."
Barbara doubted it was as simple as he was making it out to be. She looked down, noticing that they were still a good half dozen meters above the ground and didn't seem to be falling at all. She could see Sean's legs shifting ever so slightly as if he was walking with easy strides that would take him to see the world on his own terms, in his own time.
Did it make sense? No, of course, it didn't. This was Sean they were talking about. When he said 'martial arts', he might as well have been talking about magic. There was no way she could apply something like this technique to Krav Maga or Muay Thai.
Eventually, she just shook her head and huffed, "Whatever. Just hold me, you impossible idiot."
"Gladly."
Burying her face in his shoulder - he smelled nice -, Barbara thankfully didn't have to see that stupid sexy smirk again. If she did, she likely wouldn't be able to stop herself from kissing him. Not when she was so wound up - both frustrated and excited as Sean always seemed to do to her.
Damn stupid sexy smirk. Damn stupid sexy spar. Damn stupid sexy Sean…
"You'll teach me how to do this, right?" Barbara asked, barely a mumble against Sean's shoulder.
"You want to learn Anything Goes?" By the tone of his voice, Sean was surprised by her request.
"Gee, do I want to freaking fly?" Barbara snarked so sarcastically she could have cut steel. "I don't know, I'll have to think on that one."
"Okay, that's a fair shot," Sean chuckled. "But sure, I can teach you Anything Goes. Anyone who might object kind of doesn't exist in this reality. Good thing too, that. The chaos Ranma and Genma would cause here would make a good few heroes go spare."
Barbara smiled, "Including Batman?"
"Oh, especially Batman. He'd call more bullshit than you did when they showed off their version of martial arts. Then immediately set himself to learning it. And then we'd get an Anything Goes Bat flying around the city. Which is a terrifying thought. Ranma would probably enjoy the worthy opponents though."
"I'm more worried about Dick learning what you can do than Bruce. He would become utterly impossible to fight. He's slippery enough without breaking the laws of physics. And don't even get me started on what it would do to his bits and jokes…"
"Agree never to tell either of them?"
"Agreed. Let's save the bullshit martial arts flight for us girlies," Barbara giggled.
"There is no way in Hell you can convince me to teach this to Harley," Sean deadpanned.
Barbara paled suddenly, "Oh, God… She'd be even worse than Dick!"
Sean nodded sagely, "It would be a catastrophe of epic proportions. Actually, now that I say it out loud…"
"Sean. Sean, no!"
"Hahaha~! You'll never stop me, do-gooder~!"
"SeAAANN~! EEP~!" He spun them both in mid-air as he cackled. Barbara found herself laughing and squealing in equal measure. As always, he swept her up into his pace. And as she was coming to realize, Barbara didn't mind that aspect of him all that much…
Kara Zor-El eyed the text that had shown up on her phone and smiled. It was a nice smile. Sweet as sugar. Bright enough to light up a room. Pretty in a simple, classical way like a sunflower. Ma Kent said it was Kara's best feature.
Spoiler: Kara
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She wore it freely. Kara was never one to brood needlessly. It seemed to be a quality that ran in her family. Kal had his moments but he was generally a happy, confident, and all-around pleasant person.
Kara had 'moments' of her own. There were things in her past that were - quite frankly - tragic. But she didn't let them stop her from living in the moment and enjoying the life she now had.
Kara had a family who loved her. The Kents welcomed her like Ma Kent had birthed her herself. And even if she disagreed and grew frustrated with how overprotective Kal could be, she knew he loved her too.
She had powers that many would kill for. HAD killed for. She didn't think being a Krypotian made her all that special. She was just another girl. One who could fly and shoot laser beams from her eyes, sure, but that didn't make her above the everyday problems that other young women experienced.
And she had friends to keep her company. Friends who grounded her, made her laugh, and smile, and shared their lives with her.
Starfire - Koriand'r - was always a hoot and Kara felt a bond of commonality with the other alien girl who had made Earth her home. Wonder Woman - Diana - was a healthy mentor figure and someone Kara was proud to call a friend. Miss Martian - M'gann - was a sweetheart and something of a rock for Kara to confide in when she needed to.
And Batgirl - Barbara -, the person who texted her and inspired her current smile… Well, they'd drifted apart recently. Kara knew it wasn't her fault but a small part of her couldn't help but worry. She wished she could do more for her friend.
But now, Barbara had taken the initiative to reach out to Kara on her own! Yes! Kara knew just how to fix whatever was bothering Barbara. Ma Kent said nothing was more important and powerful than being there for your friends and family.
And Ma was wise. Her advice hadn't led Kara astray yet. Kara had waited patiently for Barbara to feel ready to ask her friend for help. She knew pressing too hard could often do more harm than good. But now that Barbara had reached out, Kara knew whatever was bothering her could be fixed with a bit of girl talk and a good Kent hug.
Kara would be taking her friend back, thank you very much!
Chapter 20
Kara thought she knew what she was getting into.
"-And-! And-! He's such a bastard! A sexy, stupid, sexy, insufferable, sexy bastard!" Barbara raved. "He's made more work for me in a few months than Dick has all year! And you know what Dick is like! Don't even get me started on that Goddamn stupid sexy smirk of his!"
Kara thought wrong. She was almost at a loss for words. Something Barbara didn't even seem to notice, too caught up with how she was venting about this… Sean Caine. Kara wasn't given any chance to get a single word in edgewise, even if she did know what to say. Was this what it felt like to be stun-locked?
Since she met up with Barbara again, it had just been shot after shot. The first was seeing Barbara walking under her own power again. Kara had nearly squealed in excitement. She'd barely restrained that instinct but she hadn't been able to stop herself from hugging the stuffing out of Barbara.
That… almost ended in tragedy. For a moment, Kara forgot her strength. She hugged her friend so tightly that she was likely moments away from paralyzing her again. Thankfully, she didn't go that far.
She did, however, pick Barbara up and fly while spinning her friend in her arms. Barbara's giggles as she did were a balm to Kara's soul. It felt so good to hear her friend laugh again. It'd been so long. Too long.
The second shot came not long after the first. With Kara's embrace loosened so she didn't strangle the other girl, Barbara managed to squirm free of her grip. Kara gasped, preparing herself to catch Barbara. Only for that preparation to prove unnecessary.
Barbara had fallen, yes. But then she seemed to catch herself impossibly on thin air. It looked like it took great effort to do so and Barbara later said she was still learning but Kara was a bit busy gaping at her friend. Barbara could fly!
Only sort of, as it turned out. She explained it as a new form of martial arts she was learning. Kara wasn't very familiar with martial arts but that seemed amazing! And a bit impossible… Which transitioned the conversation to who Barbara was learning from. Sean Caine.
That's when the shots really started to come fast and furious. Sean ran a bar in Gotham. Not that strange. Sean's bar was a neutral ground for heroes, villains, and civilians to hang out. A bit odd but potentially a good idea. Sean regularly told stories there of other worlds. Now, Barbara was starting to lose Kara. Sean was the one who HEALED Barbara, he was essentially married to the personified concept of DEATH, and he'd killed the JOKER? What…?
And that wasn't even getting into Barbara's apparently complicated feelings toward Sean. If Kara didn't know any better - and she really didn't - she might think Barbara had a crush. Did she? The more Barbara named 'stupid sexy' qualities of Sean, the more Kara was starting to think it was so.
Kara hadn't been expecting ANY of this. She just thought Barbara was finally working through whatever was bothering her and contacted her to hang out like they used to. Only to come to Gotham and find out that Barbara was in a completely different place than she was expecting - both physically and mentally.
She was happy though. That much, Kara could tell just by listening to her speak so passionately. That was enough for Kara. Though she was becoming more and more interested in this Sean guy. Very interested…
"He can be so cool!" Barbara exclaimed. "But it's like every time he opens his mouth to tell a story, I'm resigned to writing a 40-page report on the subject!"
"So… you hate him…?" Kara asked curiously.
"Oh, God, no!" Barbara laughed, sounding surprised at the idea. "He gave me my life back, Kara. I don't think I could ever hate him. He's just a very frustrating man. Stupid sexy Sean…"
Kara tilted her head, "What's with the 'stupid sexy' thing anyway?"
"'Cause he's stupid…" Barbara grumbled. "And sexy… Nothing about him makes sense but he makes it work so well. I mean, he's teaching me how to fly with freaking bicycle kicks! It shouldn't work and I'm just so pissed that it does!"
"Does this mean we can go flying together soon?" Kara perked up with excitement.
"Probably not that far, farm-girl," Barbara chuckled. "It's more like floating with effort than actual flying. I'll never be able to get higher than I can physically jump and I can't maintain it forever."
Kara giggled, "Bruce is going to flip when he finds out, isn't he?"
Barbara nodded, "Oh, without a doubt. They all will. I'm almost counting on it. I think it'll make for a pretty good prank."
"How naughty, Babs~"
"Hey, I deserve a bit of mischief in my life after everything."
Kara fell silent for a moment before saying with consideration, "I think I'd like to meet him."
Barbara startled slightly. On the outside, she showed surprise at Kara's statement. On the inside, she was practically grinning. She was… well, scheming was such an ugly word. But she was being careful to get Kara interested in Sean.
She knew now more than ever that she'd need all the help she could get with him. Reinforcements from Kara would be more than welcome. They might even save her life if Harley and Ivy's stories were to be believed. Besides, Kara deserved pleasure and satisfaction just like Barbara did.
Barbara was confident Sean would be able to handle 120 pounds of wholesome, All-American farm-girl. A guy like him wouldn't be intimidated by sex with a Kryptonian. She snickered internally. All she had to do was get Kara interested and introduce them to each other. Sean would do the rest from there just by being himself.
She thought she would have been jealous of the idea. But now that she was here, it didn't bother her all that much. For one, her options were already limited when it came to romance. Kara's were even more limited.
For another, she quite liked Sean. In another life, it might have rankled for her to need help to keep up with a man. In this one, Barbara was being rather pragmatic, generous - and more than a little desperately thirsty after a three-year dry spell…
"That can probably be arranged. I can ask Bruce for the night off and we can go hang out at the Dead End," Barbara offered.
"Good," Kara nodded, adopting a firm, serious expression that looked out of place on her cute, sweet, girl-next-door features. "I need to make sure he's treating my friend right."
Barbara giggled, "You get your protective side from Clark, I see. And are you sure that's the only reason you want to meet him~?"
Kara blushed and sputtered, "It's, it's not like that! I just want to… Yeah! I just want to make sure he's good for you, Babs!"
"He's anything but good for me," Barbara said sarcastically. "Especially my blood pressure. But I like him anyway."
"Hmm…" Kara eyed her suspiciously. "When you say 'like' him… What do you mean by that?"
Barbara smirked, "It means I want him to teach me more than just 'martial' arts."
Kara cocked her head in confusion, "Huh?"
Still smirking, Barbara elaborated, "I want a crash course in the marital arts too."
The confusion in Kara's expression didn't dwindle at all, "I don't… understand."
"I want him to put my body through its paces," Barbara clarified with a roll of her eyes.
"Like a spar…?"
"Dammit, Kara!" Barbara finally snapped. "Sex! I want him to sex me up real good! I fucking want him to fuck me until I can't fucking walk or tell up from down!"
"EEP~!" Kara squeaked, blushing so much she was actually glowing. "You can't SAY something like that, Babs! I-It's not proper… !"
Barbara sighed, "Oh, you sweet, sweet summer child… Farm-girl, I'm going to spell it out clearly for even your pure innocent brain to understand. I haven't had sex in YEARS. I couldn't even pleasure myself until Sean healed me."
"P-PLEASURE YOURSELF~?!?!" Kara's blush went even more nuclear and her voice raised to octaves that could match a dog whistle. "You can, you can do that?!"
"Yes," Barbara said flatly. "Kara. I. Am. Horny. Just furiously horny and pent-up. Sean is the solution to my problem. Maybe not the easiest solution. But the best one. Especially since he's the Goddamn reason I can even feel my pussy again!"
"Barbara, please~?" Kara whined, sounding scandalized. "My ears aren't used to that kind of c-crass language!"
"Well, it's about time you get used to it," Barbara nodded firmly. "I think you're even more pent-up than me, Kara. Sean might be just the guy you need to finally lose your virginity."
Kara stuck her fingers in her ears, shaking her head in denial, "Lalalalala~! I'm not listening~! The things you're saying are wrong and inappropriate and… L-LEWD~!"
Barbara shook her head somberly, "Poor, poor farm-girl… You don't even know what you're missing out on."
"I'm… I'm missing out…?" Kara asked softly, unable to suppress her curiosity.
"Have you seriously never touched yourself, Kara? You know, 'down there'?"
"… Noooo…? Kal says that's how you go blind."
"And what does Ma Kent say?"
"… That masturbation is a healthy and natural outlet…" Kara admitted with a grumble. "But-! But it's so, so LEWD!"
The deadpan Barbara gave Kara could have killed the dead all over again, "Farm-girl. Listen to your Ma on this one. You REALLY don't know what you're missing out on. Kal is just being his usual overprotective self when it comes to you. Honestly, if Ma Kent heard him say that to you, she'd whoop his ass. In or out of costume."
Kara giggled at the mental image of Ma Kent spanking Superman, "She could totally do it too."
"Exactly. So you really shouldn't be listening to Kal on this one. He's just about the last person you should listen to when it comes to this. One, he's THE Boy Scout. Two - and this is important, Kara - he's MALE. He's a smart guy and I respect the Hell out of him but I'd go to BRUCE about feminine troubles before I went to Clark."
"He's usually pretty good about my time of the month…" Kara mumbled halfheartedly.
Barbara snorted, "Of course, he is. He was still raised by Ma Kent, after all. But have you ever talked to him about something like… shaving or something?"
"No, I guess I haven't. I can't even talk to Ma about shaving the more… sensitive spots."
"Oh, yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, how DO you shave, farm-girl?" Barbara asked, honestly curious.
Kara shuddered and got a far-off look in her eyes, "Heat vision. And mirrors. So. Many. Mirrors."
"Ah…" That was all Barbara could say in response to Kara's apparent shaving-related trauma.
After a moment of silence, Kara recovered enough to ask, "Is… m-masturbation… really that different between guys and girls…?"
"Yeah-… Well, kind of. The difference is something that Ma Kent clearly understands well though. She was telling you it's healthy because it is. It might not be necessary but it's a Hell of a lot healthier than the opposite. Honestly, I don't know how you deal with the stress of our jobs without a bit of self-pleasure."
"I've… managed so far. I, I don't think I need to resort to l-lewd stuff…"
"Trust me, farm-girl. You do. You really do. You don't know what you're missing out on. And if Sean lives up to what I think he can, he's one of the only good men who can blow your pure Kryptonian mind."
"… I can see how s-sex with a Kryptonian on Earth would be… problematic."
"That's putting it lightly," Barbara snorted.
"So… masturbation…" Kara said, obviously stalling and working herself up to ask something.
"Yes?" Barbara encouraged with amusement.
"Would you, would you teach me? How to be l-l-lewd…?" Kara finally asked, blushing an almost neon red color.
Barbara laughed, making Kara's blush even brighter, "Oh, Clark's going to kill me!"
"Babs! It's not funny!" Kara insisted, looking moments away from actually stomping her feet. "I wouldn't know where to start! And you know just asking was hard enough for me!"
Barbara waved to placate her friend, "Sorry, farm-girl. I get it. I really do. And I love you. But not like that. I'm perfectly willing to share the guy I like with you - Hell, I think it's necessary so both of us stand a chance of coming out of this alive…"
Kara fidgeted nervously, whining, "Do you have to make it sound so scary~?"
"With Sean? Yeah, probably," Barbara nodded. "Anyway, I love you but - no matter how much Harley is trying to convince me to come to the 'dark side' - I don't swing that way."
"O-Oh…" Kara deflated slightly.
The cuteness was enough to breach Barbara's refusal, "What I can do, however, is show you where to start. I'll send you some of my favorite, uh, 'research material'. I… kinda built up a stockpile during my time in the chair."
"Oh~?" Kara's mood reversed course, lighting up her face with sudden cheer. "Educational materials? That sounds perfect!"
Barbara paused but decided to let Kara figure out what she meant by 'research material' for herself, "… Yeah. It'll be good for you, farm-girl."
"Great~!" Kara was humming happily now. "I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do! And I can't wait to meet Sean!"
"The Dead End should be opening about now," Barbara said. A thought occurred to her somewhat randomly, "Hey, Kara? About your trouble shaving?"
"What about it?" Kara asked, squashing down on the familiar shudder.
"Can't you just have the Fortress of Solitude create a razor for you? It has to have something designed for female Kryptonians, right? Maybe something with a Kryponite blade for use under a yellow sun?"
Kara stopped in her tracks. Her mind seemed to stutter and buffer. Barbara's suggestion sunk into her mind. Then she uttered the foulest, most vile curse she'd ever said, "GOSH DARNIT!!"
IIIII
"Hey, Babs," Sean Caine said. "Mind introducing me to your friend?"
Kara looked at Sean. Really looked at him. Top to bottom, inside out. Quite literally, when her enhanced vision was taken into account. As far as she could tell - from microscopic to telescopic, infrared to X-ray vision - he was a normal human.
He should have been nothing special. But… he kinda was. Kara couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. He was certainly handsome. Kara could see where the 'sexy' part of Barbara's 'stupid sexy' catchphrase came from.
But there was also something about him… Something that even Kara's enhanced vision couldn't see. As if it was lurking right past the limits of her Kryptonian abilities. As if that something special was hidden even from her. Oh, and there was the 'stupid sexy smirk' she'd heard so much about.
"I'm sure you already know who she is, Sean," Barbara said flatly. "Just like you already knew who I was beneath the mask."
Kara's head whipped around to stare at her friend, "W-What…?!"
Barbara just rolled her eyes, "Oh, it's fine. Secret identities are safe in the Dead End. Magic fuckery, I suspect. Plus Sean here seems to know much, much more than he should."
Sean smiled a charming, silly sort of smile, "It's what I do. Nice to meet you, Kara. I'm a big fan."
"Oh…" Kara blushed ever so slightly. "Thank you. I've heard a lot about you from Barbara."
"Only good things, I hope," Sean joked.
"Well, not… quite?" Kara fidgeted a bit in her seat at the bar.
Sean just laughed, "Don't worry, I get it. Our mutual friend has complicated feelings toward me."
"Don't talk about me as if I'm not here," Barbara deadpanned.
"So desperate to be included already, Babs~?" He teased.
Barbara blushed and looked away, "I wouldn't say… desperate…"
"Really~? That descriptor seems about accurate to me~"
"Shut it, Sean!"
Kara watched their exchange with intense interest. It was a new thing for her to see her normally composed friend become flustered so easily. Something about Sean just seemed to get under Barbara's skin in the best of ways.
Kara could see that Barbara wasn't nearly as angry as she was acting. All the signs were there for her enhanced senses. She could hear Barbara's heart beating a giddy rhythm. She could see the heat pooling in Barbara's lower abdomen. She could smell a subtly strange, sort of tangy scent entering Barbara's perfume.
Kara didn't quite understand it. Not yet. But she could sense it. She had a feeling it was something to do with those l-l-lewd things she and Barbara talked about. Kara decided she really needed those 'research materials' sooner rather than later.
Perhaps they would mention something about the things she was sensing and the strange unfamiliar tingly sensation that made her feel like doing… something. She didn't know what though. It was as if her body wanted to move. Sideways? Did she want to fly right now? She'd never felt this sort of… desire… before. How strange.
Shaking the strangely exotic (Was that it? Or maybe one letter off?) thoughts from her head, Kara looked around the bar. They'd arrived rather early in the night. Business was still picking up as a result. Shouldn't Sean have been busy? How did that drink order get filled just now?
This place defied logic and common sense. Just like Barbara said it would. Kara's eyes were drawn to the wall behind the bar. A series of items she couldn't identify sat there like trophies, in front of a large wall-spanning mirror. She could see what was left of the Joker (the freaking JOKER!) just… existing. As in, he was currently trying to trip people's reflections when they walked through the door and sulking when all he got for his efforts was being thrown across his prison and ignored. It seemed that reflections in his mirror counted as 'unstoppable forces' AND 'immovable objects'.
A few villains - whom Kara knew Barbara tussled with on the regular - sat down at the bar. Riddler, Catwoman, Deathstroke, and was that Poison Ivy? Barbara told her about Ivy, Harley, and Sean but it was still a bit strange to see the legendary maneater Poison Ivy come from the back door of the bar and plant a brief peck on Sean's cheek before sitting down on the other side with the rest of them.
"Quiet night for Ivy's Ivy?" Sean asked Ivy.
Ivy chuckled, "Not as such, but Freeze and Nora have a handle on it for now. Just don't tell Harley I'm skipping out. She's stuck doing appointments and diagnoses."
"Boys. Selina," Sean greeted the others. "The usual?"
"Make it a double," Deathstroke grunted. "Someone tried to hire me to kill Superman again. Fucking idiots…"
They all fell silent for a long moment as they realized the Dead End had a new guest. Batgirl hadn't come alone. Kara just smiled awkwardly and waved, "Ah, Hello."
"Better make that double a triple, Mr. Barkeep," Deathstroke said. He turned back to Kara, "For the record, I didn't take the job. I'm not stupid."
"I… didn't think you were?"
Deathstroke nodded, "Good. Just making sure. The pay wasn't nearly good enough for me to take that risk. They weren't even willing to fork over my Kryptonite deposit."
"Kryptonite deposit?" Kara asked, suddenly as curious as she was worried.
"That's just what I call it. It can be used for a lot of different things. Technically, it's just a 'weakness' clause. For a Kryptonian, that would mean Kryptonite - where the name comes from - or magic-… I should probably stop talking."
"That's probably smart, yes," Riddler snarked.
Deathstroke just nodded and took a sip of his drink when Sean placed it in front of him. Kara stared for a moment before trying to shake the worry from her mind. It wasn't particularly new information - they knew Deathstroke could be much more dangerous than he seemed - but it was strange to hear it straight from the source.
Yes, Kara decided, the Dead End certainly was a strange place. But it was also very nice to see everyone getting along so well~!
"So, Kara," Sean said, turning his focus back onto her. "What brings you to Gotham?"
"Barbara!" Kara answered with a happy smile. "We haven't hung out in a while. So we're just catching up on everything that's happened. Which happens to be a lot of happening it seems." She finished with a giggle at her own wordplay.
Sean chuckled, "So it seems. I'm assuming Barbara told you all about the Dead End?"
Kara nodded, "Oh, yes. But it's something different to see it all for myself. I'm impressed with the peaceful and pleasant atmosphere you've cultivated here."
"We try," Sean said with a slight smile. "There have been some speed bumps in the road but we seem to be sailing smoothly now."
"Speed bumps? What do you mean?" Kara asked.
Sean pointedly DIDN'T look at the mirror behind him. He just maintained that small smile, "Oh, you know. The usual."
Barbara groaned, "Please, can we not get into THAT?!"
Sean's smile shifted into a smirk, "We can get into whatever you want, Babs~"
Barbara blushed and averted her eyes again, making a little "hmph~!" noise. Kara blushed as well but she didn't quite know why she did. She leaned over to whisper a question to her friend.
"That was l-lewd, right? Flirting?"
For some reason, Kara's action seemed to make Barbara's blush worse. Or maybe it was the way Sean's smirk widened as if he'd heard the whisper. Kara was a bit confused with all of this. She wanted to understand (she had the spirit!) but she wasn't very good with this teasing back-and-forth game Sean and Barbara seemed to have going.
"I'll explain later!" Barbara hissed to Kara out of the side of her mouth. To Sean, she said, "How about a new story, Sean? For Kara?"
As his smirk widened, Kara came to understand why Barbara called it 'stupid sexy' so often. Sean teased Barbara even more, "Why, Babs, it almost sounds like you're trying to change the subject~ Don't you want to talk about what we could ~ get into~ together?"
"Sean~…" Barbara growled dangerously, only slightly diminished by the furious blush on her cheeks.
"Okay, okay," Sean chuckled. "New story, it is. We'll save the other conversation for when we have a bit more privacy."
"Maybe, uh…" Barbara cleared her throat. "Maybe only slightly more privacy…?"
She glanced at Kara as she said that for some reason. Kara couldn't really understand. Barbara said she would explain it later though. And she trusted her friend more than anything. So Kara just kept her expression to its usual simple happy smile.
Sean seemed to understand Barbara's strange hinting body language. His smirk twitched even farther up for a moment, "Hmm, interesting… Reinforcements, Babs~?"
"Shut up and tell a story, story-boy…" Barbara grumbled.
"Anyone else interested in a story?" Sean asked the others at the bar with them. Almost immediately, the audience seemed to triple.
Catwoman had the most amused look in her eye that Kara had ever seen. Like a cat with a toy. It was directed at Barbara, something that didn't seem to go unnoticed by Kara's friend. Barbara glared back at her as if daring the amused woman to say something.
"Oh, I think it's safe to say that all of us could go for a new story," With the twinkling amusement still in her eyes - and still directed at Barbara -, that was all Catwoman said.
Riddler broke the strange - Kara didn't understand it, at least - 'standoff' between Barbara and Catwoman, "Riddle me this… Are we going to hear something completely and utterly batshit insane this time? Or something that will yank our heartstrings out and hit entirely too close to home?"
"50-50?"
"Man, where's Two-Face with those damn coins of his when you need him?"
Sean chuckled, "Probably something that will hit a bit close to home for our newest guest, I think. Kara, I have just the story for your debut at the Dead End."
"Really~?" Kara asked, her voice vibrant with happy excitement. "I'm looking forward to the tale you have to tell, Sean! Barbara can't seem to stop talking about your stories."
"For good reason!" Barbara insisted. "They're always ridiculous!"
"I've lived a ridiculous few lives," Sean shot back.
"Will I have to mark this story down as a memetic hazard?" Barbara asked with a groan.
Sean shook his head, "No. Honestly, this story is pretty tame by my standards."
"Which - knowing you - could mean anything from giant dancing robots to talking fish," Barbara snarked.
Sean blinked, "That… was a surprisingly accurate guess."
"Which part?"
"Yes."
"Sean… !"
Laughing off Barbara's frustration, Sean turned back to the rest of his amused audience, "Alright! Let me tell you the story of… Megamind."
"Sounds like a half-decent villain name," Riddler commented.
Sean grinned, "The best villain! Not just a villain, but a super one!"
"What's the difference?" Kara asked curiously.
"I'm glad you asked, Kara!" Sean ignored Barbara's continued groans of exasperation. "The difference is… Presentation!"
As he said that, he spread his arms wide. Behind him, a scene came into existence. A blue alien face appeared above Sean's head. It seemed to be made up of a bunch of little 'somethings'. Robots, maybe? And on the face's stuck-out tongue, a blue alien - whose face matched the larger image - stood and mimicked Sean's pose.
Kara couldn't help but clap. It was quite the show. Barbara just buried her face in her hands for some reason. At least the villains seemed to be enjoying it with Kara. Catwoman was now chuckling into her hand at Barbara's long-suffering exasperation.
"Let me set the scene," Sean said as he dropped his pose for an amused grin. "This story starts on an alien planet, not far from Earth. One that was minutes away from destruction…"
Kara startled slightly at that, "W-What?!"
"Indeed," Sean nodded solemnly. "And on this planet, a pair of parents were trying to save the only thing they could. Their baby. He was only eight days old and still living with his parents. How sad, right?" His tone made it clear he was joking and it succeeded in pulling a giggle from Kara.
"The parents did what they could for their child. They gave him an escape pod to survive the planet's inevitable destruction, they gave him a binky, and even a small talking fish friend named Minion. Then they sent him off. Megamind escaped his planet's doom and came to land on Earth."
"This is sounding an awful lot like Superman's origins, Sean," Barbara said suspiciously.
Sean just smirked and continued, "As it turned out, there was another planet in the exact same situation as the first. They neighbored each other and were both about to be sucked into some kind of anomaly. It's not important what kind. What is important is that this second planet produced another baby that mirrored the first. A baby who would come to be known as Metro Man. Their rivalry was legendary!
"See, Megamind was smart. A genius. An inventor. And an all-around overly dramatic ham of a supervillain. Metro Man was the opposite. He was brawn where Megamind was brains. He could fly. He had heat vision. He was nearly invincible!"
"Yeah, that's just Superman," Barbara interrupted with a deadpan.
"Yes," Sean chuckled. "Yes, it is. Now, you see why I thought it was an appropriate first story for Kara to hear."
And it was. Kara was enthralled already. Both of the main characters had origins so similar to hers, to her cousin's. Yet… different at the same time. They mirrored each other, rivaled each other. And it sounded like one eventually became a villain and the other became a hero!
She desperately wanted to hear more, "And then what happened?!"
"Well, Metro Man's landing on Earth was a miracle. On Christmas, no less. He landed with the perfect family. Whole. Loving. And most importantly… rich as Hell!"
That got a chorus of laughing cheers from the audience, "Hear hear!"
Sean continued, "On the other hand, Megamind's landing left a lot to be desired. While his rival was swaddled in warmth on Christmas Day, Megamind landed in a prison. There, he was taken in and raised by the inmates. They did a pretty good job of it, all things considered. There were, however, certain… biases they imparted on him.
"Eventually, Megamind used his genius to stage a mass breakout. When he was inevitably caught, he was sent to school."
"Oh, thank God!" Kara breathed a sigh of relief, having been on the verge of horror from hearing about a baby being left in prison, even if it did turn out well for everyone.
Sean chuckled, "It was at this school that Megamind met Metro Man again. Metro Man was being raised in a much healthier environment. Perhaps too healthy. His power quickly went to his head. He wasn't an asshole or anything. Just a smug, egotistical kid with WAY too much power.
"Metro Man used his powers to impress the other kids at school. Megamind tried to copy him with inventions. But he was still just a kid and some of his inventions failed. When they did, Megamind was bullied terribly by the other kids. And how different he looked from the rest certainly didn't help."
"Oh no!" Kara was back to horror, her heart going out to little Megamind.
"Kids can be so cruel…" Catwoman shook her head sadly.
"I know," Barbara deadpanned. "I have to work with Robin every night."
Barbara's flatly delivered joke helped lighten the mood and Sean continued.
"Ostracized by his peers, Megamind returned to the one solution he was raised with. Crime," Sean shook his head with a chuckle. "He made blue-colored mustard gas in the classroom. No one was hurt but he obviously got sent back to prison after that."
Riddler laughed, "Oh, that little shit!"
"It was probably deserved," Deathstroke said seriously.
"Mustard gas seems like a BIT of an overreaction to bullying," Catwoman argued.
"It's not," Deathstroke stood firm on this point. "Fuck them kids."
Catwoman paused, blinked, and decided to move on, "… I'm not going to even TRY to address or unpack that. Mr. Barkeep? Please continue."
Sean chuckled, "If you insist. Now, we fast forward about 20 years. Megamind has officially become Megamind and Metro Man has officially become Metro Man. They've faced off numerous times, with Metro Man protecting the city of Metrocity and Megamind trying to be 'evil' - in a very vague and uniquely distinct definition of the word."
"What do you mean by that?" Kara asked, cocking her head to the side.
"Hmm, let me put it this way," Sean hummed. "If Megamind existed here… he'd be a Flash villain."
"Ah…" Kara made a little noise of realization. "Yes, that explains it quite succinctly."
"It does, doesn't it?" Sean chuckled. "Where was I? Ah, right, time skip. So Megamind and Minion escape the prison - which is basically his home at this point - and immediately set about causing their usual chaos."
Riddler nodded, "As you do."
Ivy nodded as well, "It's just natural."
"Quite," Sean's lips twitched with good humor. "Minion kidnaps Roxanne Ritchi. Think of her as… Lois Lane to Metro Man's Superman. She was a reporter who was quite close to Metro Man, though without the romantic undertone that Superman and Miss Lane share. Metro Man and Roxanne simply weren't like that, from what I can remember.
"She was still a wonderfully smart woman. Very human and not at all perfect. But those flaws just made her a better person. More real. She regularly found herself involved in the rivalry between the two capes. This time was no different."
An illusion appeared on the bartop. In it, a pretty, short-haired woman was restrained to a chair while the villain the audience was coming to know as Megamind threatened her. He tried everything from a menacing minigun to an intricately terrifying torture device. Nothing worked and Roxanne was left unphased and unimpressed.
"Of course, Roxanne was well used to Megamind's whole song and dance," Sean explained. "He wasn't the scariest villain after you got used to his antics. And honestly, he was pretty considerate of Roxanne every time he kidnapped her. Then he and Metro Man went through their little rivalry routine, Roxanne doxxed Megamind's location, and Metro Man came to save her. That's how things usually went. Only this time, it ended with a slightly different outcome.
"See, Megamind had set a trap in advance. He tricked Metro Man into a location he'd prepared beforehand, set a doomsday weapon on him, and resigned himself to failure. But in the end - due to 'coincidentally' discovering Metro Man's weakness was copper -, he succeeded. Metro Man was dead and Megamind was free to take over Metrocity. He proceeded to do just that."
"I'm seeing a lot of similarities between this Metro Man and Superman. Megamind is just Lex Luthor if he was an alien," Barbara observed suspiciously.
Kara couldn't help but agree. The similarities were undeniable. Metro Man even had a Kryptonian powerset, a motivation in the form of a spunky young reporter, and a weakness based on a mineral. Just like Kal and Lois. And Kryptonite. It wasn't very comfortable for Kara to hear about someone so similar to her and her cousin dying like this. Why, it was almost enough to make her frown.
"This whole story is something of a subversive take on Superman's story," Sean explained. "He's kind of popular outside this reality. Some other realities view him as the ideal image of a hero."
"He is?" Kara asked, slightly surprised by that information. "Am I?"
Sean nodded, "You all are. This whole universe is rather renowned. The others might recall what I said about Multiverse Theory. Coincidences or chance connections on an infinite scale lead to realities being known outside of their borders. Once they start gaining traction like that… well, interesting things can happen."
"Heh, we're popular," Catwoman smirked in satisfaction.
Barbara grumbled, "Don't tell Nightwing that. We'll never hear the end of it."
"It doesn't matter all that much since most people won't find a way to travel outside the boundaries of this reality," Sean shrugged. "Anyway, Megamind finally won. He quickly took over the city and had a blast doing 'evil' things. All victimless crimes. He was kind of bad at the whole 'being evil' thing."
Sean chuckled fondly, seeming to reminisce, "Yeah, not great at being evil. Still, Megamind quickly grew bored. He came to realize that what he was after was the struggle, the fight, the rivalry between him and Metro Man. Standing alone at the top wasn't fun to him. He needed someone to stand there with him.
"So after a bit of soul searching and some inspiration, he hatched a new plan. If he couldn't find a rival, he'd make one!"
"Did he ever consider… Oh, I don't know, therapy?" Riddler asked sardonically.
"Or a girlfriend?" Catwoman added.
"As luck would have it," Sean grinned. "He started going out with Roxanne around this time. It… wasn't the healthiest relationship. At least, to start. He was disguising himself as someone else and she didn't know who he really was. But he did genuinely come to like her and open up to her, even if the dates originally started as a diversion.
"But he didn't give up on his plan just yet. And this is where Hal Stewart enters the picture," Sean's expression grew grim. "I hated that guy. For good reason too. He was the sort of guy who felt entitled to a woman's attention because he was 'nice' to them. And he was creepy about it to boot. Really freaking creepy…"
"Ah, an incel," Riddler nodded sagely.
Kara didn't know what that was but it didn't sound like a compliment. It sounded… icky. She certainly wouldn't want to be around an 'incel'.
"Exactly," Sean nodded. "But by pure accident, Megamind's method of infusing powers into someone ended up with Hal. And he just… wasn't great. In any way. Megamind still pressed on with his plan, training Hal to be a rival. And the first thing Hal does with his new powers? He tries to coerce Roxanne into being with him."
Kara's face scrunched up in a grimace, "Ewww…"
"Yeah, it wasn't pretty. She rejected him and he immediately turned his powers to crime instead of heroism. Megamind and Roxanne were also going through some interpersonal drama at the same time. She broke up with him and in the aftermath, Megamind ended up fighting Hal.
"He thought everything was back on track, fooling himself into thinking he wasn't hurt by his troubles with Roxanne. Then Hal won their fight. Not even Megamind's contingency plan slowed him down. See, Hal had Metro Man's powers. And Metro Man was weak to copper. Following so far?"
At the nods from his audience, Sean continued, "Except he wasn't. So neither was Hal. And Megamind found he couldn't beat his new creation. He had to flee."
"Wait, what?" Kara's confusion at the twist was visible on her face.
Sean pressed on, "Hal - now going by Tighten - immediately took over Metrocity in Megamind's place."
Another illusion appeared on the bartop, this one of Tighten threatening a civilian, "More like… Under new management."
"Defeated and confused," Sean said. "Megamind sought out Roxanne for help. Together, they tried to figure out what was going on, especially with Metro Man. Their search took them to Metro Man's hideout, where they found… a cold glass of water."
The pieces began to fall into place, "Oh!"
"Metro Man had faked his death."
The realization and reaction to the reveal was audible, "Ah ha!"
"You know, I've been wondering something. Where were you during all of this, Mr. Barkeep?" One of the henchmen in the audience asked.
Sean smirked, "Me? I was Metro Man, of course."
"What?!"
"Sneaky," Deathstroke nodded approvingly.
"You're like me?!" Kara asked excitedly.
"Not anymore. But I was. It was during one of my first few lives," Sean explained with a chuckle. "When I was still figuring myself out. Honestly, I was a bit of a prick. What ultimate power does to a motherfucker. All of that. But I had my reasons for faking my death."
A third illusion appeared. This one depicted Metro Man and Megamind's final confrontation. A voice narrated Metro Man's thoughts at the time.
"It all started back at the observatory. Roxanne was kidnapped. I was going to stop you… My head wasn't in the game that day. We were kind of going through the motions. So, using my super speed, I decided to go clear my head."
The scene shifted, following Metro Man - Sean - through a seemingly paused world, "I realized… we've done this same silly charade our entire lives. I tried to get my mind off how I was feeling. But I just felt stuck. And I began to realize, despite all my powers, every citizen of Metrocity had something I didn't. A choice.
"Ever since I can remember, I've always had to be what the city wanted me to be. But what about what I wanted to do?"
The illusion trailed off and Sean elaborated a bit more, "That life was something of a metaphor for my existence at the time. I was just… going through the motions. Playing the hero, most of the time. Didn't matter if I wanted to be or not, I felt like I had a duty. Like I was the only one who could do it.
"I was getting stuck in the same mindset. Over and over again. And I knew something had to change. That was about when I started living for myself. When you live as many times as me… well, that's all I had for a while there," Sean said softly. His voice carried a certain weight of wisdom to it.
He seemed to be speaking directly to Kara at this point, "Sometimes, life puts us in situations where we can't choose, where we don't get the chance. Choice… I've long since discovered it's something about life that I value immensely. Duty is all well and good but it shouldn't come at the expense of our own happiness. In my opinion, at least.
"I won't say I made the right choice to give up my role as Metro Man. But I won't say I regret it either. In the end, it was MY decision. And that's what made it so important.
"In the grand scheme of things, this life - this story - was relatively tame by my standards. But it was quite significant in shaping my philosophy. It kept me going until I found another reason to keep living through each distinct life. And even then, I still hold the lesson I learned there dearly.
"As much as this story is about Megamind's subversion of the typical hero-villain trope, it's also about mine," Sean chuckled to himself. "I don't know, food for thought, I guess. Some of y'all might be ignoring the choices you have."
Kara turned Sean's words over in her mind. She could see the villains doing the same out of the corner of her eye. Deathstroke was unreadable. Riddler and Ivy looked introspective, almost sad and regretful. Catwoman thought for a moment before shaking her head with an amused snort. Kara didn't know why. And she wouldn't pry.
For herself, his words did strike a certain cord within her. Nothing major. At least, Kara didn't think so. But there was some truth there. She'd sort of been shoved into her role as a hero. Kal landed on Earth long before her. By the time Kara herself landed, he'd already made his debut as Superman. It was almost expected of Kara to follow in his footsteps at that point.
She didn't regret her path. She liked being a hero. She liked helping people. But there was that inkling of a worry in her mind. Was it her choice? Was she a hero of her own free will?
It didn't take very much brooding at all for Kara to decide that, yes, she was. Maybe not initially. But she'd been given chances to quit and do something else. She'd found her calling in using her powers for good. Besides, most of her friends were heroes and she wouldn't give up flying for anything!
A beautiful smile returned to Kara's face at that. She nodded acknowledgment at Sean. The short bit of introspection his story inspired in her was welcome. It felt good to examine herself and come out even more sure of her path.
Sean seemed to understand what was going through Kara's mind. He returned her nod and smile. Then the illusion started back up again. Just briefly. Just for one last parting line.
Metro Man gently grabbed Megamind by the shoulders, "You know, little buddy, there's a yin for every yang. If there's bad, good will rise up against it. It's taken me a long time to find my calling. Now… it's about time you found yours."
Kara's smile grew even wider as she watched. It perfectly capped the realization she'd come to through her brief moment of introspection. It was short, simple, and sweet. Especially that line about good and bad. Kara liked to think her calling was being that good that rose up against the bad.
The same could be said for almost all of the heroes she knew. All of her friends. Kara fondly nudged Barbara beside her, flashing her smile at her friend. Barbara rolled her eyes while smiling just as fondly and nudged her back.
Kara decided then that she approved of Barbara's crush. He was a good guy. Even when he was still 'young', dumb, and misguided. Even if that version of Sean couldn't be the hero, he made sure to push Megamind in the direction he should have gone from the beginning.
"Shit…" A henchman muttered in the background. "I should go back to school."
"More riddles," Riddler nodded to himself, seeming to reach that decision with satisfaction. "Everything can be solved with more riddles."
"Is it bad that my calling is stealing precious gems and artifacts?" Catwoman joked.
"Yes," Barbara deadpanned.
"You return a lot of what you steal to its rightful owner, don't you?" At Catwoman's nod, Sean smirked, "Then just think of it as cultural re-appropriation. Lord knows you're doing more good than the British Museum."
"Don't encourage the literal cat burglar, Sean," Barbara said with a sigh.
"Yes, Dear," Sean said, acting the part of the dutiful husband. His act only got a glare from Barbara and a giggle from Kara.
"So Sean," Ivy asked. "What happened with Metrocity?"
"Ah, you know, the usual," Sean waved dismissively. "Megamind saved the day, got the girl, and everyone lived happily ever after. Especially me now that I didn't have to be an egotistical prick acting as a superhero."
"You haven't said what your calling was yet," Riddler observed cannily.
Sean scratched his cheek sheepishly, chuckling, "Ah, I'm sure that's not all that important to the story."
"It kind of is," Barbara disagreed, a grin growing on her face as she smelled blood in the water. "C'mon, Sean~ Tell us what you did instead of being a hero~"
"… Music Man."
Kara blinked in surprise. So did the rest of Sean's audience, "Music… Man…?"
"So I could keep my Metro Man symbol…" Sean admitted, making himself busy with wiping the bar to avoid looking at anyone.
Barbara was the first to break the stunned silence as her laughter went straight to a cackle, "Oh, my God~! Music Man~! You're such a goofy idiot~!"
Sean was quiet for a moment before a smile pulled at his lips, "… Yeah, that's fair. I was young and stupid. Just don't tell Didi. I'd never hear the end of it."
"Tell me what, Dear?" A darkly beautiful woman asked, coming up to Sean for the first time since Sean started telling his story.
Not that she was a new sight. Kara had seen her in the background. She seemed to work the bar the same as Sean. She'd been busy while Sean told his story and only now came over to insert herself into the situation.
Sean's mind visibly stuttered, "Uhhhhh… Didi! Have you met Kara yet? I think the two of you will get along swimmingly! Please focus on her instead of my foolish youth!"
Kara didn't know what was going on but she smiled brightly anyway, "Hello! It's nice to meet you! I'm Kara. You're really pretty. I like your style."
Barbara just cackled even harder as Didi allowed herself to be distracted with a subtle smirk at Sean, "Hello, Kara. I'm Death of the Endless. But you can call me Didi. Everyone does."
"Oh, you're Death~? I've heard so much about you~!"
Didi blinked then smiled - just as beautifully as Kara's but slightly different. Where Kara's smile was the sun, Didi's smile was the moon, "That… is certainly an interesting reaction to my identity. I think Sean's right, Kara. We'll get along swimmingly."
Chapter 21
[AN: Apologies for not posting a chapter on Tuesday. Something personal came up that disrupted my schedule. It's been resolved now though and I don't really anticipate any other interruptions to my regular updates. As compensation, enjoy some more Didi pictures
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Spoiler: Didi compensation [img: https/i./564x/69/71/ef/6971ef20d9e927fec22fbdc644bcf1ea.jpg]
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Kara's visit got me thinking. It was successful. Kara was, and I think always would be, a delight. It was nearly impossible to hate her. She was just so positive and wholesome.
Barbara called her 'farm-girl'. As in the female equivalent of 'farm-boy'. It fit. I knew she didn't grow up on the Kent Farm like Clark - Kal as she called him. She had a whole life - up until 15 or 16 - she remembered from Krypton. Despite being Barbara's age, she was chronologically and technically older than Clark.
But after being all but adopted by Ma and Pa Kent, Kara took to the farm-girl lifestyle rather well. She practically embodied the All-American, girl-next-door vibes. Fair of skin and hair. Sweet as sugar. Kind to a fault. She was - put simply - a wonderful woman.
I quite liked the innocently wholesome Kryptonian girl. What was there not to like? Didi seemed to agree with my opinion of her. Despite looking like polar opposites, they got along dangerously well.
Seriously, that amount of kindness in a friendship would kill even the blackest of hearts. Perhaps literally in Didi's case. They were both just so damn nice it was almost scary.
They got along like a house on fire. And it was certainly amusing to see one of the most goth girls I'd ever met and one of the perkiest become fast friends. After I introduced them to distract Didi from my foolish reincarnating youth (something that was only partially successful), Barbara and I could only watch in amusement.
Honestly, Barbara seemed kind of envious that Kara could talk to Death so casually. She did a pretty good job of that for herself but it wasn't hard to tell that she was still a bit uncomfortable with the truth of Didi's identity. It was somewhere between star-struck and subtly terrified.
Eventually, Barbara was naturally sucked back into Kara's orbit and Alice was dragged into their conversation as well by Didi. She was her usual snarky self, even with Supergirl. But I think she enjoyed having girls close to her age to talk to. Good. Making friends with Barbara and Kara would be good for Alice.
Didi was currently in the process of enrolling Alice in Gotham High. Alice had protested, of course. What teenager wanted to go back to school if they could help it? Doubly so when that teenager had magic powers and thought herself above the mundanity.
Still, Didi's decision was firm. And with how much Alice looked up to her new mother, it didn't take much for her to agree. She still grumbled, for sure, but she needed the social structure and education that high school would offer her. It wasn't like she was making friends her age here at the bar.
Alice was doing well enough at the Dead End. But she was a bit removed from actual friendships at the moment. Hopefully, meeting Barbara again and meeting Kara would change that. They'd even exchanged numbers before Kara and Barbara left for the night.
Anyway… Kara's visit got me thinking. So far, the Dead End and I had stuck mostly to Gotham. There were exceptions, of course. Alice and the wizards mostly. I wasn't sure if I should count Delirium as part of the greater DC universe. She and the rest of the Endless were kind of removed from the norm, what with them being, well, Endless.
Kara was the first hero from outside Gotham to visit. And I knew that others would inevitably follow. I was sure Superman would be paying me a visit soon enough. Maybe with the shovel speech. Batman had undoubtedly shared information about me, Didi, and the bar with the other heroes. Kara was just the first to actually visit.
So I began to think about expansion. It'd been on my mind for a while. Expanding had always been in the cards, ever since I'd opened the Dead End. But I had been content to contain myself to just Gotham for the time being.
I still had ideas though. And it seemed that now was as good a time to put them in motion as any. Maybe I could even get the jump on the Justice League and cause a bit of chaos before they realized what was going on.
Putting my ideas into motion wasn't exactly hard. It took a bit of work but not hard work. All I had to do was skip a day of sleep. It wasn't much of a loss when I didn't technically need to sleep. I just liked to. Sleep - especially sleeping with someone like Didi at my side - was one of the little things you learned to enjoy after even a single life and death.
But with Didi arranging Alice's schooling - which could only be done effectively during the daytime for some reason -, I had nothing better to do than put my idea for expansion into effect. Again, the work for that was simple. I just had to do a bit of… traveling.
Figuring out which of my many, many teleport spells worked best in this universe was a bit of effort but after that, I was off to the races. The fact that my most effective spell turned out to be a basic link between two spaces helped immensely once I'd started.
I spent the day teleporting to major cities that I knew hosted heroes or interesting villains. The general population of Gotham visiting the Dead End was enough for me. While the bar could handle it, I didn't need the mundane business that, say, NYC brought me. For such a large city, New York had a surprising lack of capes.
No, I focused on cities that would bring me entertainment in some way. Metropolis and even Smallville for Superman and those in his orbit. Central City for Flash and his Rogues. Star City, Los Angeles, San Fransisco, London, Tokyo, etc. I mostly stuck to America but I did branch out here and there. The language barrier would be overcome easily in the Dead End.
In each city, I stopped to create something. A doorway that connected back to the front door of the bar. With a neon sign above each one that said 'Dead End' because the imagery made me snicker. I also weaved a subtle spell over my additional entrances. Something like a 'Someone Else's Problem' field that excluded only the people I would find interesting.
I didn't need normal people freaking out when they saw the clientele the Dead End catered to. The people of Gotham were one thing. They were used to a bit of Madness because of the city they lived in. Some guy from LA or Metropolis would probably have a panic attack dealing with half the things Gothamites saw regularly, especially within the Dead End.
My expansion efforts went largely unnoticed. The only time I felt eyes on me was in LA. And Lucifer seemed more amused than at all threatening. The doorway I left there was practically an open invitation for him. Maybe he'd come visit me and Didi soon.
In fact, while I was in town, I might as well leave him a message. Nothing special. Just an introduction and an invitation from me and Didi. If I was understanding their relationship correctly, Didi and Lucifer were quite civil with each other. Delirium even called him 'Big Bro'. Honestly, other than the whole Devil business, Lucifer seemed like a remarkably likable guy.
I left my message next to the door I'd created. A spell masked it like the door. Only this one was attuned to the cosmic being I could still feel watching me from the distance. Omniscience was a bitch to work around. He'd probably read the message already.
Oh well, I shrugged. Nothing more to it. He'd visit when and if he felt like it. I wasn't about to try and control the Devil. I can't say I've done that before and I didn't want to start with this version of him. There weren't many worse versions to try that on than the Lucifer here in this reality.
I waved at nothing as I left LA. The sensation of being watched seemed to laugh. Then I stepped through the door I'd made and ended up back in the Dead End. The sensation followed me for a moment before backing off with amusement. As if the Devil was raising a glass for me.
The Dead End hadn't opened for the night. I'd have to do that soon enough here. I'd started late but my expansion had taken most of the day. I wasn't expecting anyone of note to find those doors for a little while now. It'd be a nice surprise to have new patrons when they did though.
I stopped to examine my domain for a moment. Didi and Alice were still out. Ivy was growing more stock for her shop, last I checked. Croc and Grundy were settling into the apartments I'd made for them in the Colosseum.
Freeze and Nora were neck-deep in research. It seemed to be going… well if the amount of frost and smoke obscuring them from view in their little lab was anything to go by. It looked like Nora had finally cracked her hypothermia equation and was now taking full advantage of it with her husband. Good for them.
Feeling it in full, I had quite the faction growing here. What started with just me and Didi had grown to include a whole team of villains who didn't have to turn to crime anymore. They were all contributing positively to society in their own ways now. It always felt good when I built something unique like this.
The only one in our little faction who wasn't busy at the moment was Harley. She was sitting on top of the bar, very pointedly pretending to ignore the Joker's reflection. And it seemed she was getting immense visceral glee out of that process. Her grin as she filed her nails and utterly ignored his attempts to get her attention said it all.
Even now, the Joker's legend DIED slowly. Soon enough, he'd just be a clown in a mirror. And every time she looked into his mirror prison, Harley couldn't keep the wicked smile off her face. The only one who could hope to match Harley's joy and satisfaction when it came to messing with the Joker was Jason.
Who just so happened to also be visiting the bar at the moment. He was sat next to Harley, reading a book as if nothing was amiss. Their apparent ignorance of him was a one-two punch for the Joker. Not even the boy he'd killed humored him anymore.
"Harley. Jason," I greeted pleasantly as I walked over to the bar and started doing my usual pre-opening checks. "What are the two of you up to?"
"Oh, you know, Gothboy~" Harley singsonged. "Just enjoying each other's company. We seem to have a lot in common for some reason."
"It's truly a mystery," Jason joined with a hum. "Perhaps we'll never figure it out."
I chuckled at their antics, "Sounds about right. I'm sure the original reason isn't important anymore."
"What about you, Gothboy~?" Harley grinned. "What have you been up to today?"
"A little project of mine. If it works out, we should be seeing more business around here soon enough," I said, leaving out what exactly that project was.
"You don't see enough business here already?" Jason asked, raising an eyebrow at me as he looked up from his book.
I shrugged, "I just like a bit of variety. Are you on the clock tonight, Jason?"
He sighed in relief, "No, I'm taking the night off. I have a date with this book - Grains: Civilization's Starchy Backbone. But other than that, I don't have any plans."
"Why don't you hang around here for a bit~?" Harley suggested excitedly. "I'll take the night off too~!"
It was my turn to raise an eyebrow, "You sure Ivy will approve of you slacking off?"
Harley waved a hand, "Ehh, it'll be fine. I've been putting in enough time at the shop lately. Appointments have been slow anyway. And I'm not happy that I've missed the last few stories outta you, Gothboy~!"
"You'll have to cut back on your hours then. We wouldn't want little ol' you to feel left out, would we~?" I teased.
"Damn skippy, buster~!" Harley shot right back. "Red told me about your time with Supergirl. Can't believe I missed that one~! That Megamind fella sounds like my kind of supervillain ~!"
Jason looked at both of us in surprise, "Kara was here?"
"Yep," I nodded. "She came by last night with Babs. I gave her a nice story of subversion and a bit of something to think about."
"Damn, it's always a shame to miss her," Jason shook his head. "She's great. Do you know if she's still in town?"
"I don't think so. Pretty sure she went back home. Not that it matters all that much when she can be anywhere in the world in less than an hour. Why do you ask?"
"You've just got to be careful when Kara and Dick are in the same city. I think she's still a bit touchy about how bad their one date went."
"Whaaaaat~?!" Harley exclaimed with a grin. "OG Boy Wonder and Supergirl have a history~? I smell gossip~! C'mon, Hoodie, dish~!"
Jason chuckled, "Not much to 'dish'. They went out once. It didn't go all that well. Nothing major. The two of them just didn't click like that. I'm pretty sure they're still friends but they wouldn't work out as a couple. At all."
"Dickie really gets around, huh~?" Harley giggled.
"You have no idea," Jason deadpanned. "Honestly, who doesn't he have a history with?"
"Hey!" Harley pretended to be offended. "I haven't gotten into those tights!"
"No offense, Harley," Jason started hesitantly. "But… even Dick has limits when it comes to sticking his… well, dick in crazy."
Harley continued playing up her indignation, "Oi~! Red and Gothboy haven't complained yet~!"
"To be fair, I don't think Sean functions on the same sense of reason as the rest of us," Jason joked.
I chuckled, "I really don't. I've never been one to subscribe to the whole 'crazy' to 'worth it' scale. Comes with the territory when you stop being afraid of death. Some of my best relationships were with batshit crazy girls. And I can only think of one time off the top of my head when one of those batshit crazy girls actually killed me."
Harley snorted with laughter, "Now, that sounds like a story~!"
"Honestly, it happens less often than you'd think. Yandere girls are surprisingly easy to deal with if you know what you're doing. You'll never find anyone more fun and loyal than a yandere," I advised sagely.
"Exactly~!" Harley chimed. "Crazy girls are where it's at~! I did my graduating thesis on them~!"
Jason didn't look convinced, "If you say so… Personally, I happen to quite like living. Death? 2/10. Would not do it again."
"Not even for some primo pussy?" I shot him a skeptical look.
He hesitated for the briefest of moments, "… Not even for some primo pussy. I think I'll stick to the tried and true 'don't stick your dick in crazy' approach if there's even a chance of me dying from something like that. I DON'T know what I'm doing and even saying you do, you still died from 'yandere' love once."
"Oh, yeah~! How'd that happen anyway, Gothboy~?" Harley perked up to ask.
"Brynhildr was just… special. A key part of her legend was to kill the one she loved. I knew it was coming when I summoned her so I wasn't too mad," I shrugged.
"Brynildr," Jason recounted flatly. "Odin's Valkyrie Brynhildr? Wife and murderer of Sigurd Brynhildr?"
"Yep," I simply nodded, popped the 'p', and didn't say anything more.
"Yeah. Okay. Why not?" Jason sighed. "I'll just put mythological figures with legends of killing those they love on the 'do not date' list. Right next to demi-goddesses who burn with passion."
"Kettle much?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "Don't you have a thing going on with Artemis?"
"Artemis?" Harley cocked her head curiously. "The Greek Goddess?"
Jason went stiff, "Surely, she doesn't count… right?"
"Probably not. It's just funny to see you squirm," I smirked.
"Oh," Jason deflated with relief. "That's good. Besides, we're not really together-together, ya know?"
I hummed, "Hmm, I suppose Alice will be glad to hear about that."
Jason froze again, "Uh… Please don't try to set me up with your adopted daughter…? Not that Alice isn't lovely! But, uh… those things should happen naturally…? Yeah, naturally."
I flashed him a grin that was all teeth, "No promises~"
"I have the strangest premonition that you're an absolutely ruthless matchmaker, Sean…"
"I'm pretty good at a lot of what I do. You should just be thankful I mainly use my powers for entertainment and teasing instead of meddling in teenagers' love lives."
"They'd be kind of cute together," Harley considered.
I grinned, "Harley, however…"
"Oh, joy," Jason sighed. "Just what I need. An insane psychiatrist meddling instead of an unknowable eldritch bartender."
His deadpan delivery had Harley cackling wildly. I had to admit it was pretty good as well. Teasing heroes would never get old. Honestly, now, I was just excited about extending my range beyond just Gotham and the Bats. Some of the other heroes' reactions to the Dead End would be absolute gold.
I wasn't actually planning to interfere with Alice's little crush - a crush that I was pretty sure Alice hadn't even noticed yet. It was just more ammunition to tease them both with. And Harley was right. They would make a cute couple. Snarky brooding Alice and tortured brooding Jason.
Harley kept teasing and prodding Jason. I chuckled and finished up opening the bar. The first guests of the night probably wouldn't show up for another hour or so. And Didi and Alice were still out. I wasn't in any rush.
A tickle in the back of my awareness got my attention. I quirked an eyebrow as I focused on it. Someone… No, a group of someones. Make that two groups. Two separate groups were trying to slip into the Dead End unnoticed. Curious, I let them.
I could feel them enter my domain. But I couldn't see them. None of the obvious entrances opened. How did they…? Ah, one group slipped in through a skylight that I was sure wasn't there before. And the other slipped in through a comically sized air duct in a similar situation.
It seemed the entrances were created when I gave tentative permission for the two groups to enter. My subconscious seemed to be setting up a joke of some kind. Or the Dead End was gaining consciousness much faster than I expected. Either way, I was curious what these two similar groups were up to.
Six shadows - three for each group - arranged themselves into positions around the bar. They were good at this whole stealth thing. Anywhere else, I might have actually had to try to notice them.
I could sense that both groups were entirely focused on me. Since no one else was being targeted, I was content to see how this played out. It wasn't like I was in any danger. Plus, their 'invasion' had shown me something interesting about my domain and I thought this would be amusing.
I knew the Dead End would develop some sort of awareness eventually. This wasn't my first Genius Loci. But usually, those kinds of awareness took longer than a few months to develop. I hadn't been looking for the signs just yet.
This 'invasion' brought those signs to my attention. For that, I was almost thankful. I could now start nurturing them much sooner than I would have otherwise. I had a few good tricks up my sleeve for 'birthing' a proper Genius Loci. It was a development to think about later and one with great timing at that.
So these two groups had earned enough of my consideration to see what they were going to do. I leaned on the bar, still pretending I hadn't noticed them. As I waited, I tapped a very specific rhythm on the wooden bartop. It was faint but now that I was looking, I could sense the distant, weakly stuttering vibrations of the Dead End following along with my tapping.
It made me smile. Then both of the 'unseen' groups of visitors to my domain made their moves at the same time. From exact opposite sides of the bar, two darts flew, cutting whistling paths toward my head. I simply leaned back ever so slightly. I saw both darts pass so close to each other that they ruffled each other's fletching.
I watched with amusement as the darts basically returned to sender. Only reversed. The dart thrown from my left perfectly found one of the bodies from the group on my right and vice versa. Immediately, all Hell broke loose.
Both groups seemed to discover the other at the same time. They assessed the opposite group as a threat to their mission - which I had to guess was my assassination. Before the darts had even landed, they both jumped from the shadows to engage each other in the middle of the bar.
Swords clashed and clanged with each other. More darts flew like sideways rain. The assassins who were injured by the initial exchange held back to deal damage from range. Their partners became a blur of motion as they fought, weaving through darts and thrown knives.
I just sat back and watched with amusement as the two groups fought over me. Or at least, the chance to assassinate me. The funniest thing about this whole misunderstanding was that both groups were dressed exactly the same. I was pretty sure they were both from the same organization. This fight was entirely blue-on-blue.
"Uh… What. The fuck. Is going on…?" Jason asked.
He and Harley were watching from the sidelines like me. Only, they didn't have any warning before this fight suddenly kicked off. To them, they were happily bickering one moment and the next, two groups of assassins were fighting a death match while they sat in the proverbial splash zone.
"Ninjas~! Neat~!" Harley cheered, utterly unconcerned with the danger the fighting might pose. "Where'd they come from~?"
"Oh, God," Jason face-palmed. "I think I recognize those uniforms…"
I whistled softly, "They're good."
They were. I could tell that much from the precisely thrown darts that started this misunderstanding. But especially with those swords of theirs, the assassins were damn deadly. Luckily, they were remarkably evenly matched. So while blood was spilled, none of them had lost their lives just yet.
Both doors into the Dead End burst open at nearly the same time. Barbara as Batgirl came through one in the front. Damian as Robin came through the other - the backdoor. The assassins didn't stop their intense combat for a single moment.
"Sean!" Barbara cried, breathing a little heavy from the rush she was in. "You're being targeted! League of… ! Assassins…"
She trailed off as she noticed the fight taking place in the bar. I looked between her and the fight, smirking a bit, "Yes, I noticed."
Struck silent in surprise, she came over to the bar with the other three of us, "What the fuck…?"
"That's what I said," Jason agreed.
"This is entirely unprofessional," Damian said, having ghosted over to us at the same time as Barbara. "I will have to report this to Mother and Grandfather. I realize that they are just foot soldiers but I expected more from them."
"Damian, are you here to warn Sean as well?" Barbara asked, trying to make sense of the scene we were all witnessing.
"No," Damian replied plainly and flatly. "I am here for my headpats. If Mr. Barkeep couldn't even survive the attempts on his life, he would be laughably incompetent. I did not assess him as such. It is good to see I am right. As always."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, little guy," I chuckled.
"Arranging for the two teams after you to fight each other instead of focusing on you is impressive. I am impressed," Damian said bluntly. "Now, where is She Who Gives Exquisite Headpats? I have been absent recently and I would like to catch up on the satisfaction I've missed."
"Sorry, bud, she's out at the moment. I've been practicing if you want to settle for me though," I offered.
He paused for a moment and then nodded, "Very well. Only one. Then I shall wait for Lady Didi. Prepare to prove yourself, Mr. Barkeep. If you do well enough, I may grant you a title as well."
Harley giggled, "I freakin' LOVE little Robin~! He talks so cute~! Little Lord Robin~! Oh, God, I want like THREE of him~!"
I laughed along with Harley as Damian held himself ready for headpats. He looked like he was going into battle. His expression was set in stone behind his mask. His head was raised as if he was challenging the gods to come down to his level and say that to his face!
"Dammit, Damian," Barbara groaned. "You just got back!"
Damian turned dead eyes onto her, "Silence, wench. A spinster like you would never understand the Golden Truth of Headpats."
"Oh, you're such a little shit!" Barbara exclaimed with sheer indignation in her voice.
"So, is she a spinster or a wench?" Jason asked with palpable amusement. "Those two things are kind of mutually exclusive."
"She is a fool," Damian replied with a voice as cold as ice.
"Yeah?! Well… Well, I've gotten more headpats than you since you're off in San Fran with the Teen Titans so much these days!" Barbara shot back, sounding quite pleased with herself.
Damian turned to me and asked, "Is this true?"
I nodded. He turned back to Barbara with narrowed eyes, "This means war, Carrots…"
"Wha-?! Because of my hair?!" Barbara sputtered.
"It seems the carrot does have critical thinking skills after all. Unimpressive though they may be," Damian sniped smoothly.
"No, that's it! You're getting the wedgie to end all wedgie, you absolute fucking brat!" Barbara snapped.
"Yeah, show him why the previous Robins wore their undies on the outside~!" Harley cheered Barbara on.
She and Jason were laughing like mad. Everyone was basically ignoring the ninja fight happening in the background at this point. It seemed the assassins themselves were slowly starting to realize that and come to their senses. I smirked. I didn't want to be one of them when their masters came calling.
With a polite knock on the door of the Dead End, it seemed that calling was coming now. It obviously went unnoticed in the chaos by all but me. I opened the door with a thought just as Barbara lunged at Damian. The voice of the person who just entered stopped her dead in her tracks.
"Not like that, my child. You lunge with your hips and feet, not with your upper body."
"Oh, God…" Barbara froze, shuddering at the voice.
Jason had a similar reaction, "No…"
"Mother," Damian greeted the voice. "What a pleasant surprise. I was not aware you were in town."
The woman whom Damian greeted so fondly walked like a panther. Deadly. Powerful. Graceful beyond belief. She moved with slinky strides that made her seem to glide across the floor. Each step was made with purpose, a confidence that could have only belonged to the Daughter of the Demon. Without seeming to try at all, Talia al Ghul made quite the entrance.
She was decently tall for a woman, perhaps 5'8". The way she held herself made her seem even taller. She looked vaguely Middle Eastern but it was impossible to pin down her cultural roots any further than that. It was quite possible the people she resembled most closely had been lost to time.
A long, flowing dress obscured and hugged her figure in equal measure. Loose enough to hide a veritable arsenal of weapons if she wished. At the same time, it perfectly showcased one of her greatest weapons: her body. Silk clung to her tight enough to show off lithe muscles and voluptuous curves.
Spoiler: Talia al Ghul
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Then there was the expression on her face. A calculating mien, one that betrayed an intense intelligence and ruthlessness better left unmatched. Those sharp eyes didn't miss a single thing, taking in her surroundings, the assassins fighting, all five of us at the bar, and the trophies that decorated the wall behind us. And while she might not recognize them, she obviously didn't miss the show that last detail represented.
Her eyes landed on me. I stared right back at her. Those piercing brown eyes of hers were as sharp as any blade. I'd bet dimes to dollars that her tongue was just as cutting. She must have cowed thousands of men and women with that gaze alone. I was unphased.
She'd have to do much, much better than that to make me flinch. While she was impressive, I'd seen the same thing several times over. She was far from the first deadly beautiful ninja woman I'd come across.
Her gaze was razor-sharp but it had nothing on the special eyes of the Uchiha. Much less the overwhelming forces of nature that were Uzumaki women. Kushina's fiery glare and temper would give anyone a run for their money. And Mito Uzumaki would run absolute circles around Talia. Both physically and mentally, the canny old bitch.
So I really wasn't bothered by Talia's piercing look that would have pinned other people to the wall. Something she quickly noticed. And seemed to approve of if the minute twitch of her lips was anything to go by. It was so small that even I barely noticed but she almost smiled.
She turned to the assassins fighting in the middle of my bar. I had to assume they were her subordinates. Barbara had said as much when she burst in here shouting about the League of Assassins. Or at least half of them were.
As if Talia's gaze alone could stop time, the ninjas in our midst froze. In an instant, they sheathed their blades and turned to kneel in Talia's direction. She let them stew in the silence for a few long moments. Even the stoic deadly assassins began to shift and fidget.
Finally, she said, addressing only half of them, "Who are you? I only sent one team."
The group that was originally on my left spoke as one, "The Demon sent us."
Talia's voice was cold and impassive, like Damian's on proverbial steroids, "Why?"
"To test a potential step-grandson-in-law."
With amusement, I followed that somewhat convoluted trail of familial titles back to me. I couldn't help but snort and shake my head.
I'd only had one interaction with Talia - over the GCWO forums - and no interactions with the legendary Ra's al Ghul. Talia had certainly left an impression even before I met her in person just now. And it seemed that Ra's was just as… family-oriented as Talia was.
They had very unique ways of showing it. But it seemed that Ra's had claimed the Bat kids as his own just as Talia had. Perhaps it was an aspect of their culture then.
As in, Talia had claimed them first - based on her more obvious relations with Bruce, Damian, and even Jason to a certain extent - so Ra's was given no choice but to do the same. For some reason, I doubted the Immortal Demon minded gaining a terrifically competent son-in-law and five (and potentially more) terrifically competent step-grandchildren.
I wonder if Batman knew he'd been wholeheartedly adopted into the al Ghul family. Probably. Talia, at least, wasn't shy about her claims to the Bat Family. I'd have to pick his mind about that the next time he showed up. It'd been a little while since I'd seen him now.
Talia sighed, muttering to herself so lowly that I was surely the only one who caught it, "Dammit, Father… I said I would handle it. All you've caused is confusion and failure."
Shaking off her frustrated thoughts, Talia glared at her ninja subordinates, "And why, pray tell, would that mean you are fighting your own kin?"
"They started it!" All six of the assassins replied as one this time, sounding oh so much like petulant children.
I could see Talia's eye twitch. No, I could practically feel it. If I was in her position, I would have done a lot worse. Thankfully, I was watching from the sidelines so I could laugh at the incredulity of this whole situation instead. That reply was just pure gold.
"Out!" Talia ordered. "I'll do it myself, you incompetent! Toddling!! Juveniles!!!"
Her voice raised with each insult until it sounded like a demon's wrath was visiting the Dead End. An appropriate description, I thought, considering Talia's lineage. Thankfully, for their own safety, the assassins obeyed immediately, darting out of the bar in less time than it took to say a sentence.
"Holy shit~! Did you hear those goons~? Fucking all like 'they started it'~! I can't~! I woulda smashed 'em flat~!" Harley was cackling like mad right along with me.
"You need better subordinates, Mother," Damian commented helpfully.
Talia gritted her teeth then let out a long exhale to calm herself, "… I am now aware of that, Dāmi. Rest assured they will spend the rest of their days in the fight pits, thinking about what they've done to deserve such reproach."
What happened next made all of us do a double-take. Damian blushed. An honest-to-God, cheeks red, eyes averted blush. Much like an all too innocent child instead of the spiteful, chuunibyou, murder machine we all knew and loved. Well, maybe 'loved' was a bit of a stretch in Barbara's case.
"… Please do not call me that in front of the others, Mother," Damian mumbled, only just barely audible.
"I birthed you, child. If I wish to call you 'my blood', I will," Talia chided gently but firmly.
"I think… I'm missing something here," Barbara said, still taken aback by the sight of Damian blushing.
Thankfully, Jason explained, "It's a cultural thing. In Arabic, it's common to use internal organs as terms of endearment. 'Dāmi' or 'Daami' means 'my blood'. Noticeably, not pronounced the same way as 'Daymi'. I think Damian's full name translated literally means 'blood of the demon'. By shortening it, Dāmi works as a nickname in both English and Arabic."
"Very good, my second eldest son," Talia nodded. "I see you have been keeping up with your studies. I am proud."
Barbara groaned, "Talia. We're not your child-…"
Jason cut her off, "No, I'd much rather be claimed by Talia than by Bruce."
That gave Barbara some pause but Talia didn't miss a beat, "You are your father's son as well, Jason. Even with your perceived grievance with him."
"Perceived?! He let me die!" Jason vented with a shout.
Talia was unmoved, "You got better."
Now, it was Jason's turn to groan, "I hate this family…"
"Just like Alice~" I teased in a singsong voice. "You two are perfect for each other~"
"Alice?" Talia's interest was obvious. "I am unfamiliar with that name. It was not in the information we gathered on you, Mr. Barkeep."
"Didi and I adopted her recently," I answered her technically unasked question. "She just as 'teenager troubled' as Mr. Broody Pants Jr. here. I'm mainly teasing him but I do think they would make a cute couple."
"And what makes you think she is good enough for my Jason?" Talia asked imperiously.
"Other than the fact I've decided she's my new daughter?" I raised an equally imperious eyebrow right back at her. "Maybe because she's Didi's daughter now as well. Ah, you might be more familiar with Didi by the name 'Death'. Of the Endless."
Talia paused, seemingly reevaluating everything she thought she knew, "… Understandable. I suppose you're correct. This does sound like a suitable arrangement for my second eldest son. Shall we begin talks of marriage or wait for the children to come to that conclusion themselves?"
"Oh, God, not you too, Talia…" Jason groaned.
"Join the club," Barbara muttered.
"Ah, yes," Talia nodded as if reminded. "My original reason for coming. Tell me, Mr. Barkeep, how has your relationship with my eldest daughter progressed? I assume having multiple wives won't be an issue?"
Barbara went bright red off to the side and seemed to be at a complete loss for words.
I shrugged, "It hasn't been an issue so far."
"Heyo~!" Harley chimed, eagerly raising her hand.
Talia hummed, "Perfectly reasonable from a man of your status. To be honest, I'd expect nothing less than a harem from the Prince Consort of Death."
"Cool title," I grinned. "I think I'm going to use that one."
Barbara finally found her tongue again, sputtering, "It's not a-… ! Don't call it a harem!"
"It's a harem," Damian said, his tone as blunt as a club.
Harley looked at Barbara sheepishly, "Sorry, Girl-Bat. It's kind of a harem."
Jason just smirked at Barbara, "Heh."
"There's nothing wrong with a harem," Talia 'consoled' her. "Plenty of important men have relationships that function that way. I believe Father has had several over the centuries."
Barbara blushed as red as her hair and seemed to go catatonic, barely stringing together six words, "What have I gotten myself into…?"
"Can't 'cha listen, Girl-Bat~?" Harley tittered, somehow managing to sound teasing and matter-of-fact at the same time. "You've gotten yourself into Gothboy's harem~! One of us~! One of us~!"
Harley started up the chant. Strangely enough, I was the only one who didn't join it. I chuckled, sure, but Talia, Damian, and Jason joined Harley almost eagerly.
Damian's voice was as dead as ever, "One of us."
Talia sported a great, big, motherly-teasing grin, "One of us!"
Jason was trying to get the chant out through his laughter, "One of-… Haha~! Us!"
Barbara turned to me with desperate, pleading eyes, "Sean…? Help~…?"
"There, there, Dear," I soothed. "I'll accept you even knowing how irritating your family is."
"Idiot…" Barbara let out a noise somewhere between a sniffle and a laugh. "You're all going to be the death of me."
"Well then, I suppose it's a good thing that Didi likes you," I chuckled.
Barbara stopped to gape at me as my words set into her mind. Talia smirked, "See, Daughter? There are benefits to being in Death's Harem."
IIIII
In geosynchronous orbit above Earth, a massive satellite sat, seemingly motionless. It was a marvel of engineering, a bastion of justice. The Watchtower - as it was called - acted as the main headquarters for the Justice League.
And in one of the many decks of the Watchtower, there was a meeting room. One that was currently occupied by 12 of the many heroes who watched over Earth. The meeting room itself held a round table, made of indiscernible material.
There should have been no head to the table, and yet, somehow it felt like there was. On one end of the 'head' sat Batman. On the other, Superman. Around and beside them, the founding members of the Justice League plus a few others filled out the table.
Kara Zor-El was one of those others. She sat near Wonder Woman - one of the founding members of the Justice League and her good friend. She was only a few places away from her cousin Kal. As upbeat as ever, Kara chattered lightly with Wonder Woman and wondered what this particular meeting was about.
The others at the table were wondering much the same thing. It'd been called at the last minute. It was just lucky that nothing else important seemed to be going on for the moment. Most of the gathered members sat mostly passive, with a few exceptions.
The Flash leaned back in his seat, propping his feet up on the table. No one was willing to call the man who lived in slow motion on his poor manners.
Green Arrow was reading a newspaper that oh so conveniently concealed the comic book inside. He knew he wasn't fooling anyone and he didn't particularly care. This meeting had interrupted his 'me' time and he had only just started the newest Spider-man issue. Marvel comics were a guilty pleasure of his.
And so around the table, it went. John Constantine was grumbling to himself. He needed a smoke and he was debating with himself if it was worth it to just light up right here and now. Aquaman was doing little party tricks with a bottle of water. Black Canary was humming a tune to herself. Zatanna absently filed her nails. Martian Manhunter sat as still as a statue. Green Lantern looked like he was trying to copy the Martian's stoicness. All he succeeded in doing was making himself look constipated.
And as mentioned before, Kara chattered curiously at Wonder Woman, "What do you think this is about? Has Bruce told you anything?"
Wonder Woman - Diana - shook her head, "Nothing. It is not too unusual. I am sure we will find out in due time."
"Oh, well~!" Kara smiled. "Did I tell you what I did last night with Barbara?"
Smiling fondly at her younger friend, Wonder Woman shook her head.
Kara continued, "Well, we went to this little bar in Gotham called the Dead End-…"
Before Kara could tell her friend any more of the story of her night, Batman began the meeting. With a few practiced flicks of his finger, he sent a file to each member sitting at the table. They showed up on tablets that were embedded in the meeting table's surface.
Flash groaned, having to take his feet off the table to look at the file. He blurred into motion, reading through the file in less time than it took to blink. Then he went right back to resting with his feet up, only now he was grinning slightly.
Kara looked at the file for herself and gasped, "The Dead End?!"
Diana laughed heartily, "Hahaha! It seems I'll be hearing your story either way, Kara!"
"Why's this bar so important, Bruce?" Superman - Clark - asked, having read the file almost as quickly as Flash did.
"Oh, God-…" Zatanna paled in realization.
John Constantine finished for her, "Dammit! I knew that place would come back to bite!"
Batman - Bruce - continued unphased, "The Dead End is a bar that opened recently in Gotham. It has seen success, thanks in no small part to the abnormal and anomalous occurrences that surround it and its owner, Sean Caine-…"
Chapter 22
"Sean Caine. Designation: Mr. Barkeep. Alignment: Neutral. Threat Level: potentially Cosmic," Batman said somberly.
Flash snorted, "You've got a Cosmic threat running around in your city and you haven't done anything about it?"
"Yes," Batman simply replied.
"You have to admit, that doesn't sound like you, Bruce," Wonder Woman commented.
"He's been remarkably reasonable for someone with his power."
"If he's been so reasonable, why are we having this meeting?" Green Lantern asked.
"You'll see…" Batman answered ominously.
"He was quite nice when I met him," Kara chimed.
Superman leaned in over the table slightly, "You've met him, Kara?"
She nodded innocently, "Yup~! When I was hanging out with Barbara last night. We went to his bar."
Kara was the only one who didn't notice how stiff Superman went at that information.
Wonder Woman chuckled, "Down, Clark. She's old enough to go to a bar."
He deflated at her admonishment, grumbling, "I suppose…"
Kara continued unbothered, "He was very nice. And it was cool to see all the villains getting along like that. They were like old friends! Even with Barbara and I there, no one flipped out!"
"That's certainly… interesting," Superman said diplomatically. "But should we really be encouraging that sort of thing? Wouldn't giving the villains a place to gather just lead to more crime?"
"The Dead End's neutrality has had the opposite effect in Gotham," Batman corrected. "It hasn't all been positive. But even the troublemakers have been handled handily. We'll… get to that.
"So far, Mr. Barkeep has taken Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Mister Freeze, Killer Croc, and Solomon Grundy out of the game in Gotham. He's given them all gainful employment and eliminated a few of their reasons for staying on the wrong side of the law.
"For example, Poison Ivy has taken to using her abilities in a legal way that still earns her funding for her true goals. And Mister Freeze has been united with his wife. In both examples, the villains haven't felt the need to return to crime in any major way."
The table went silent as everyone considered Batman's elaboration. Kara couldn't help but feel proud of what Sean and the Dead End were doing for some reason. She didn't know why but it filled her with warm fuzzy feelings.
She giggled, "And his stories give the villains something to do instead of running around outside at night."
"Correct," Batman nodded. "The establishment's role in reducing Gotham's crime rate cannot be understated. Part of that is due to it being a bar, offering a new source of nightly entertainment for the usual villains. The other part is due to Mr. Barkeep's stories. See: Addendum Reports 1-7."
Flash smirked, having already read the whole report twice over, "Those stories seem like something you'd have a problem with in their own right, Brucie."
"They could be considered concerning," Batman agreed without saying much.
Everyone started looking through the Addendum Reports he'd mentioned. Superman was the quickest to read through them all, after Flash, of course. The others weren't far behind. Their reactions were varied, from outright awe to humor and laughter. The Marceline and Ice King story got a few soft smiles, a nice break from the insanity of the rest.
"I can barely count how many Cosmic level threats he's just casually mentioned for STORIES of all things…" Green Lantern muttered.
"I liked the one about this 'Slayer' girl," Wonder Woman nodded in approval. "She sounds like she had potential. On the other side of the scale, this 'Lady D' sounds like she would fit right in with the worst of my sisters."
Superman shook his head in something close to awe, "This is… hard to believe."
"Unless you hear them from Mr. Barkeep's lips," Batman said.
"Mind control?"
"No. Not as far as any of us can tell. Zatanna or Constantine might have better luck in that field. It seems to be a magical effect that makes the truth apparent for all who hear it. He's not making people believe him. He's telling the truth and allowing them to see that fact plainly somehow."
"You couldn't fucking PAY me to start poking around in the inner workings of that place!" John Constantine physically recoiled.
Wonder Woman's brow furrowed, "That seems a bit extreme, John."
Zatanna shook her head sadly, "It's really not. Bruce, do you mind?"
Batman gave her the go-ahead with a slight nod. Zatanna fiddled with the tablet in front of her a bit. With a flick of her fingers, another report appeared on the rest of the tablets. As the gathered members began to read this new report, Zatanna explained it out loud.
"This report is something I filed independently of Bruce's investigation. Approximately two months ago, I caught the tail end of a TV news broadcast that was focused on the Dead End. It was largely uneventful. One aspect of it stood out though…"
"Stood out enough to write up a whole report on it?" Green Lantern asked skeptically.
"Yes, unfortunately," Zatanna confirmed. "Does everyone see the picture included in my report? This woman is what had me so concerned."
"For good fuckin' reason," Constantine snorted.
Zatanna continued as if he hadn't said anything, "This woman goes by the name Didi in the Dead End."
"Oh, I met her! She was really, really nice! I think I made a new friend~!" Kara interrupted so innocently and cheerfully that no one could convince themselves to get mad at her.
Zatanna pressed on, "I - and most of the magic community - know her by a different name. Didi is Death of the Endless. And yes, that is exactly as it sounds. She is quite literally the concept of Death personified. She was there when we were all born and she'll be there when we all die. She does this for everyone. Every. Single. Lifeform. In. The. Multiverse."
Despite everything the Justice League had seen and dealt with, that information still got visceral reactions from the members gathered for the meeting.
Aquaman's mouth fell open subtly, "What. The. Fuck…?"
Green Lantern was in a similar state of shock. Flash laughed at both of them, hiding the hints of cold dread he felt behind his humor. Superman shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Wonder Woman suddenly looked incredibly serious and 'deadly' focused as she thought about allies lost and enemies slain. Martian Manhunter was, as always, largely impassive.
"Huh," Green Arrow hummed. Black Canary placed a hand on his for support. "I thought she looked familiar."
"Oliver? "What do you mean?" Canary asked.
"Oh, I just… I think I saw her when I washed up on the island. She said it 'wasn't my time yet'…"
Zatanna nodded somberly, "I'm sure we would all have experiences like that if we stopped and really strained ourselves to remember them. Thankfully, Death of the Endless - Didi as she seems to like being called… - is a benevolent entity. Or not malign like so many other entities associated with Death, at least."
"How can an entity named Death be benevolent?" Superman asked, honestly curious as to the answer.
"Sometimes, Death can be a kindness," Wonder Woman said gravely. "That much cannot be denied. Not by me, at least. Likely, not by any true warrior."
Aquaman nodded slowly as he processed the unbelievable reveal and his colleague's words, "Nor any king…"
"Didi doesn't actually kill anyone," Zatanna elaborated. "That hasn't changed, as far as we can tell. She doesn't need to. Everything will join her eventually. She is Death. She is Eternal… Endless."
"Then what does she do as Death?" Green Lantern asked, shivering as the topic of conversation got to him slightly.
"She's simply there for the soul. When a soul comes into this world, she's there. When it leaves, she's there as well. Always and for everyone. Everything. She's the final friend a soul sees before meeting eternity. She's not a reaper or a gatekeeper as much as she's a guide. The only guide that truly matters…"
Silence greeted Zatanna's somber explanation. It was a Hell of a thing to have the realities of existence spelled out for you so plainly. As it turned out, there was an answer to the age-old question of what happened after Death. And its name was Didi.
"What's Death doing at a bar in Gotham?" Superman wondered.
"It's Gotham," Flash joked. "'Nough said!"
Only a few of their number were in any mood to react to his joke. Green Arrow and Wonder Woman laughed. Kara giggled. Something that could have been considered a smirk shadowed Batman's face. Only Martian Manhunter could say if it was for sure and he was currently a bit… unresponsive.
"Didi seemed quite happy at the Dead End," Kara said, pointing out what she'd observed during her time at the bar.
Her words reminded Superman that his baby cousin had met DEATH. He turned to her with an intense, examining look, "You're okay, Kara? Nothing happened? You're not feeling… suicidal or anything, are you?"
Kara rolled her eyes, "Yes, I'm fine, Kal. Nothing happened. Honestly, that's kind of disrespectful to Didi. She was a wonderful person. And hearing more about her, I think I'll always consider her a friend."
"Calm down, Clark," Wonder Woman chuckled. "Kara is fine. And she's right. That was almost rude."
Kara pouted, "Yeah! What would Ma say if she heard you imply that meeting a lady is enough to make someone suicidal?! Hmph, it's just disrespectful."
Superman paled, "Uh… Oh my… Yes, that was quite unbecoming of me. I apologize to your new… friend… Kara."
"You're forgiven~!" Kara's smile returned, as perky as ever. "You should meet Didi, Kal. I think you'd like her~!"
The humorous exchange seemed to help relieve the tension in the room. Flash and Green Arrow shared a pair of amused looks and laughed. Aquaman smiled. Martian Manhunter was as still as a statue.
Green Lantern adopted a considering look, "That still leaves the question of what she's really doing in Gotham. Do we have any idea of that? I'd rather not have Death running around on Earth if we can help it."
"Ya can't," Constantine deadpanned.
Zatanna shook her head in agreement, "We really can't. She's Death. Of the Endless. I can't think of many other beings that embody the three big 'O's as well as her. There's really nothing we can do if she wants to hang out with us mortals."
"And even if there was and you decided to do it, Z and I would be kinda duty-bound to stop ya," Constantine added. "The whole magic community would. Everyone knows you don't fuck with big Didi. Might as well get used to her, mate."
Green Lantern looked almost offended by that idea, all too used to having the authority to meddle with affairs that perhaps shouldn't concern him. He meant well. He was just a bit self-righteous and nosy. Having an entire sector of space under your sole protection did tend to affect how someone viewed the world.
"Well, people haven't stopped dying or anything…" Flash started.
"Yeah, I think we might have noticed if they did," Green Arrow smirked.
"So we know she's not on vacation," Flash finished, grinning for a moment before getting a bit more serious. "Do we know anything else about her motivations?"
"Yes," Batman answered. "Lady Death's interest in the bar seems to begin with Mr. Barkeep. Mr. Barkeep has referred to himself as Death's Hand on several occasions. I don't know the full extent of their relationship but as far as myself and Batgirl - who has had the most contact with the subjects of interest - can figure, they're lovers and partners."
Flash whistled softly, "Damn… Lucky guy."
"How does that even…?" Aquaman puzzled.
"Like every other relationship, wise guy," Constantine snarked. "Didi's about as human as the Endless get."
"I can corroborate the idea that Mr. Barkeep and Didi are lovers," Zatanna said. "I had it filed as a separate incident but-… where is it? Ah, there we go.
"This report details the situation surrounding a young magical girl who goes by the name 'Black Alice'. Miss Alice is a whole concern herself. She could have potentially become a worrisome threat but that issue has now been taken care of. I digress.
"Doctor Occult gathered a few members of the magic community to deal with Alice - someone he rightfully believed was a threat to the balance of magic. While pursuing her, he came across the Dead End. Alice had taken sanctuary inside under Lady Didi's protection.
"Lady Didi seems… quite protective of the girl. To the point that she and Mr. Barkeep have essentially adopted Alice together. Lending more credence to the idea that they are partners. Likely more than that."
"Oh, thank Hera!" Wonder Woman let out a great sigh of relief.
"What is it?" Kara asked, leaning over to see what part of the new report her older friend was on.
"It says that Cheetah's curse was been broken by Mr. Barkeep," Wonder Woman explained. "It's just a relief to hear Barbara is doing better now. It's always hard to have to fight old friends…"
Nearly everyone at the table had been in a similar situation to the one Wonder Woman described with Cheetah. Her words received a round of solemn nods. Except for from Martian Manhunter. Who was still completely unmoving in his seat.
"So let's see what we've got here. A bar that acts as a neutral space for heroes and villains to meet. Two unknowable Eldritch bartenders. And now an adopted daughter who could potentially be a threat to magic itself. Did I get all of that?" Green Arrow recapped.
"He also killed the Joker," Batman added as if he was just stating the weather.
The meeting went silent again. Everyone stopped to stare at Batman. Even for the Justice League, that information was… something.
"Oh yeah," Kara hummed. "I forgot about that. The Joker was locked in a mirror prison or something in the bar. He's kind of irrelevant now, from what I could tell. No one really pays him any attention."
"You're… fine with this, Bruce?" Superman asked carefully.
Batman smirked. Actually smirked. A few of the others jumped in shock at that expression on his usually gruff, stoic face, "I'm more than fine with it, Clark. I'm damn near glad he's finally dealt with. And that a hero didn't have to stoop to his level to do it."
Constantine grunted. "I'm just glad that fucker is going to stay dead this time."
"What makes you think that? The Joker has seemingly beaten Death before," Green Lantern said.
"Yeah," Constantine deadpanned. "And it's common knowledge that Didi had it out for him. Not 'cause he beat Death or avoided her. But because he CHEATED her. He's been right and properly dead before. Soul in the afterlife and everything. And something above even LADY DEATH brought him back. You don't get to do something like that and get away with it, no matter how nice and personable Didi is."
"That sounds potentially worrisome," Superman's brow furrowed. "Something above the Endless? Above the literal concept of Death? Do we know anything more about that?"
"I'm looking into it," Batman confirmed vaguely.
Constantine barked a laugh, "Yeah, I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. I recommend the Justice League does the same. There are some things in existence that you just don't need to concern yourself with. The greater Narrative Force is probably at the top of that list. Life's much simpler if you don't think about how the universe seems to have an overarching plot…"
That was enough to make even the most hardened members of the Justice League pale. Wonder Woman considered herself one of the League's wisest members. As such, she just nodded, compartmentalized that information, and moved on.
"It sounds to me like this Dead End is ultimately more beneficial than it is harmful. While I am curious about it and I may pay the bar a visit, I don't think the League itself should concern itself with the place overmuch."
Batman nodded, "That's been my conclusion so far as well. But there is a new development to be mentioned. I observed Mr. Barkeep leaving the bar today. He disappeared from Gotham as far as I can tell. And began showing up in several cities across the world."
"What's Sean doing~?" Kara asked, cocking her head curiously.
"Unknown. Nothing harmful. But it should be mentioned. The one time I was able to get eyes on him was in Metropolis. He seemingly made a door. I'd need a magical expert to discern its inner workings. But I believe the image speaks for itself."
A new image appeared on everyone's tablets. It appeared to be taken from above and very far away. Even then, it was clear to see Mr. Barkeep turning to wave at the camera. Another image followed where Mr. Barkeep was nowhere to be seen. The time stamps put the images a single second apart.
The most interesting part of the image was the door Batman had mentioned. It was behind Mr. Barkeep in the first image and perfectly took up the center of the view in the second. It was a simple door in an otherwise featureless brick wall. Above the door, two words of neon text seemed to hang in mid-air, spelling out 'Dead End'.
Flash laughed, "Oh, that's good!"
"A connection between the door and the Dead End?" Superman wondered.
"Yup," Constantine said, popping the 'p'. "That's a portal if I've ever seen one."
"He's expanding," Batman concluded, already firmly convinced.
Flash smirked, "Looks like an invitation to me. You said he was doing this in multiple cities?"
"Yes," Batman simply nodded. He knew where Flash was going with this and he didn't feel all too bothered to stop him.
Flash's smirk grew even wider. Superman adopted a worried expression, "Barry… No…"
"Barry, yes! One to port!"
The Flash disappeared from the meeting room in a flash of light. Superman sighed and Kara just had to laugh at his exasperation.
She giggled, "I mean, really, Kal. Did you expect that to do anything?"
"Not really," Superman admitted with a slight chuckle. "I know Barry well enough to know this might as well be a checkered flag waving in front of him."
"You know, I think you should visit the Dead End as well at some point, Kal," Kara suggested. "Everyone was really nice! I like Didi and I like Sean too."
Superman came to attention so quickly it was like he'd sniffed Kryptonite smelling salts, "You 'like' Sean too…?"
"Not, not like that~!" Kara sputtered, blushing. "He's just interesting~! And he tells good stories! And Barbara likes him. And he's kind of nice to look at… And-"
Kara began to ramble. Superman got a worried look in his eye, directing it at Wonder Woman as if to ask if she was hearing this as well. Wonder Woman just smirked at him. Clark might be a bit overprotective but Diana would always support Kara's endeavors. Especially when it came to romance with a man who might just be able to match her, from what she'd learned today.
With Flash's departure, the meeting started to wind down. Green Arrow went back to his comics. Black Canary sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder, simply enjoying the support he freely offered. Aquaman muttered something about a dolphin and a drink to himself. Constantine got up to have that smoke he so desperately needed right now.
Green Lantern took his leave, looking slightly more worried than when he came in. His worldview had been turned on its head quite a bit by all the information revealed in the meeting, from Death and everything Mr. Barkeep talked about in his stories to the greater Narrative Force. He… had some thinking to do.
Superman was forced to listen to Kara ramble about Sean, slowly growing more and more concerned that his cousin had the start of an itsy bitsy warm fuzzy crush on the unknowable Eldritch Mr. Barkeep. And Wonder Woman's amused smirk wasn't making him feel any better. Perhaps the Fortress of Solitude had the Kryptonian equivalent of a 'shovel speech' in its databases…
Batman nudged Martian Manhunter. For the first time in the meeting, the Martian moved. He jumped so minutely that anyone other than Batman and perhaps Superman might not have noticed.
"I'm awake," His utterly calm tone of voice would have fooled anyone else.
Batman's silence was telling as to what he thought of that transparent deflection, "… You can take the minutes of the meeting from my mind, J'onn."
"Ah," Martian Manhunter looked around the table. "That might be for the best if the existential dread I'm feeling from some of our members is anything to go off of."
IIIII
"Gooooood Morning, Gotham~!" Klarion called out as he entered the bar. He certainly knew how to make an entrance.
"Booooo~!" Harley jeered. "We're only about half as wartorn as Vietnam~! And you ain't the late, great Robin Williams, buster~!"
"Unfortunately, no one is…" Klarion said, shaking his head sadly.
"Ain't that the truth?" Harley agreed just as sadly.
As Klarion walked up to the bar, they both lowered their heads in a solemn moment of silence. Around them, a few others joined. It seemed even in a universe flush with superheroes, mundane heroes like Robin Williams wouldn't soon be forgotten.
"You know, I met him once," I commented, making both Harley and Klarion's heads snap up to look at me.
"Get outta town~!/Get out of here!" They exclaimed at the same time.
"You've gotta tell us that story, Gothboy~!" Harley insisted.
I chuckled, "Not much to tell for that one. I'm pretty sure he wasn't a part of that universe's main plot or anything. He was just an actor, not one of his roles like Genie or anything. But he was very funny. An all-around pleasant man to talk to."
"How'd ya meet him, how'd ya meet him~?!" Harley asked with stars in her eyes.
"Indeed, Mr. Barkeep. This is important!" Klarion added, equally as excited.
"It was during my time in Sunnydale, actually. Again, he was just his normal actor self. But he came to the Hellmouth one night for a stand-up set-…"
"You got to see him do stand-up~?!" Harley squealed.
"Yeah," I shrugged. "No disrespect to his legend but he was better as an actor."
Harley gaped at me as if offended and Klarion just nodded, "Yes, even I have to admit his stand-up acts weren't his best work."
Harley grumbled, "He's still a freaking legend…"
"No one's denying that. Anyway, he came to Sunnydale for a night. And of course, it being Sunnydale, he was jumped by vampires in the alley after his act. I dusted them, saved him, we talked for a bit, and then went our separate ways. Nothing more to it, really."
"Man… I wish I could have met him…" Harley marveled. "Do ya think he would have liked me?"
"I think he might have been able to appreciate your jester act," I nodded.
"The villainy might be a bit far though," Barbara smirked.
With Talia in town, she and the others had decided to stick around the bar for a little while tonight. Well, Damian decided that. Barbara and Jason didn't really have a choice. All Talia had to do was give them that expectant Mom Look #2 and they caved instantly.
The League of Assassins ninjas were sent home with their tails between their legs. Their mission was an utter failure and Talia made sure they damn well knew that. I figured her father would also find that out firsthand when Talia returned to him.
She couldn't really give him a talking-to. Even from his daughter, the Demon likely wouldn't tolerate that much. But I suspected Talia had a plethora of other ways of getting her point across. Daughters always did.
Klarion was my first actual customer of the night. I was a bit surprised that he'd come back. I would have thought his first visit dissuaded him from repeat visits. It certainly seemed to do so for the other magicians he was with - Doctor Occult and the woman I'd discovered was called Black Orchid. Cheetah didn't seem as intimidated by the bar and its owners but she hadn't come around for another visit just yet. The less said about Faust, the better.
Then again, Klarion was the type of person to thrive on Chaos. And you didn't get much more chaotic than the Dead End on a busy night. The Magical Nuisance would fit right in here.
"So," Still, I was curious. "Klarion… Bum Bum Bum… The Witch-Boy. What brings you to the Dead End tonight?"
Klarion was visibly startled by me using his True Name. He quite literally jumped in his seat, his butt leaving the stool for a moment. When he came back down, he seemed ready for a fight. His eyes began to glow pitch-black with magic power.
I just raised an eyebrow at him. 'Never fuck with a mage in his workshop' was advice that transcended realities. We both knew he wouldn't get far if he started a fight here. And if I wanted to cause him trouble, I could have done much more than simply call him by his True Name.
He forced himself to calm down with a deep breath, "A-Ahaha… I was, I was merely curious about this vaunted establishment. You and Lady Didi left quite the impression, you know. And I thought perhaps I could offer my services in some way."
"Sounds reasonable," I nodded. "Go on. What did you have in mind?"
"Your daughter, Mr. Barkeep, even with the demon behind her powers dealt with, she'll need training. I thought I might fill that role. I'm quite knowledgable about magic without any of the pesky political ties that other mages might come with," Klarion proposed, regaining some of his confidence.
"You do realize that I could tutor Alice as well, right?" I stared at him, my expression flat and unreadable. "I've probably forgotten more about magic than half the mages alive in this reality know."
"That…" Klarion went silent for a moment, processing my words. They seemed to strike the right cord inside him if his widening eyes were anything to go off of.
He cleared his throat, "Ahem… I don't doubt that. But surely, you're a busy man. And while your scope of knowledge might be wider… MUCH WIDER… my knowledge is more specific to this reality. In fact, perhaps I could tutor you as well?"
I thought for a moment and then shrugged, "I'll leave that decision up to Alice and Didi. If Alice agrees, you're free to teach her. I may just join in for the first few lessons too. You can make your offer to them when they get back. Shouldn't be long."
"Excellent~!" Klarion grinned wide and satisfied.
"I'm quite interested in meeting Lady Death and my new potential daughter-in-law," Talia said.
"Moooooooom~…" Jason groaned.
"Psst~! Bat Mom~!" Harley stage-whispered to Talia. "You probably shouldn't mention the 'daughter-in-law' bit to Alice. She might get skittish. You know how girls can be. Better to make her think the whole thing is entirely her idea and we're all just clueless, teasing adults."
"Ah…" Talia nodded. "Understood. My gratitude, Miss Quinn. I would not want to do anything to jeopardize the coming union."
Jason fixed me with a flat, dead look, "This is your fault somehow, Sean."
"Perhaps," I chuckled. "Try not to worry. I'll make sure nothing is forced upon either of you. Jokes are fine but we won't actually interfere all too much."
"'Jokes are fine' my ass…" Jason 'pouted'.
If he knew I was calling his expression a pout in my mind, I'm sure he'd get all up in arms and deny it until Hell froze over. But that's what made him so much fun to tease. He was way too young to be as broody as he was. I was more than happy to do my part to lighten him up. Talia seemed to be of the same mind, judging by the tiny twitches of her lips when she teased Jason.
It was kind of amazing how imperceptive kids could be when it came to their parental figures. Jason was anything but dull. The same could be said for Barbara. But when Talia was the one poking their buttons, they just shut off their brains to any underlying motive she might have.
Like, say, getting your son to lighten up from being a dark, broody, (rightfully) resentful teenager. Or pushing your daughter closer to the man she wanted but couldn't convince herself to come out and say it yet. Neither of them realized that Talia was helping them more than she was teasing them. The teasing was always a bonus to any parent worth their salt though.
"Esteemed Barkeeper," Damian got my attention. "I would like my headpats now."
Talia stopped dead as she heard her son's request. She slowly turned to look at us from where she was still stage-whispering to Harley. The action was so slow, I could almost hear her neck creak. She stared at Damian with a flat, uncomprehending look on her face.
"What. Is this…?"
"Mother. Have you not heard of the glory of headpats?" Damian answered her with a question. "Strange. I would have thought that they were a common occurrence between you and Father."
It was faint but Damian's statement brought a bit of color to Talia's cheeks, "Do not be so lewd, Dāmi."
Damian looked at her in confusion for a moment before making a little noise, "Ah. I did not realize headpats between lovers were so intimate. Why is that? They are pleasant even without feelings of romance behind them."
"Headpats in the bedroom are an entirely different beast from normal headpats, Damian," I clarified for him. "Much like holding hands, they take on a different context when done with someone you love romantically. It's a little bit early for you to be worrying about that though."
"Yes," Talia nodded quickly. "Entirely too early. No romantic headpats or handholding until after your 15th kill."
Damian frowned, "That seems slightly unfair, Mother. You know Father restricts my kill count when I'm with him."
"My word is final, Dāmi."
"Yes, Mother."
Damian was still frowning slightly so I reached over and ruffled his hair, patting his head in the process. His eyes closed and he purred like a bit cat.
"Look on the bright side, bud. You can always still enjoy normal headpats. Right, Talia?"
She nodded hesitantly, "Yes, I suppose this is fine. You're merely doing your duty as his brother-in-law."
"We're not married!" Barbara squeaked.
"Yet…" Talia smirked.
Klarion chuckled, "What a pleasant family dynamic."
"Yeah… I miss my mom," Harley said, sounding surprisingly vulnerable. She sniffled, "Damn…"
Despite being teased by a mother figure of her own, Barbara huddled next to Harley. She put an arm around the jester and pressed their heads close together. Klarion produced a handkerchief to hand to Harley. She blew her nose into it loudly and comically.
"H-Hey," Harley joked. "At least now I know she got to meet Didi before she passed to the other side. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have to watch over Mom in her last moments."
Didi came back to the Dead End at the perfect time, suddenly wrapping Harley in a hug from behind, "Sharon was a lovely lady. She wouldn't stop talking about you while we walked together. She forgave you, you know? For everything you did. And she was still proud of what you could and did become. She loved you until the very end, Harley."
I reached across the bar to grab Harley's hand and squeeze gently, "I've had more moms than I can reasonably count. Losing them is always one of the hardest parts of a new life. She'll always be a part of you, Harley. Nothing will ever take that away from you."
Barbara's support, Didi's hug, my squeezing hand - even Klarion's show of kindness with the handkerchief - was enough for Harley. She gave us all a watery smile and laughed to herself.
"I still see her sometimes, you know? In my head. And in Meredith's comics."
"Meredith's comics?" Barbara asked curiously.
Harley waved her hand with a giggle, "Oh, you know, just some casual continuity and fourth-wall breaking. She's a fan of mine and she writes comics about my 'adventures'. Little rascal nearly destroyed the universe once but we figured something out."
Barbara blanched, "Oh, God… That's almost as bad as one of Sean's stories."
I laughed at her expression, "Existence is always bigger than you think."
She shuddered, somehow managing to sound almost disgusted by the idea, "Can it NOT be?!"
It was enough for Harley to bounce back, laughing freely to hide the weight thinking of her mom had left on her shoulders, "You live in Gotham, Girl-Bat~! You should know the answer to that one~!"
Didi and I shared a look, silently communicating about that same weight Harley was hiding. She did a good job of it but we both nodded, agreeing to carefully address it later.
Barbara just sighed, "And it's even worse around Sean and the Dead End… I really should know better than to compl~AAIIN~!"
She squeaked at the end of her sentence, "Talia?!"
"Shhh, my child," Talia just shushed her, hugging her eldest daughter tightly. "I need to hold you for a moment."
"T-This-! I'm not going anywhere, Talia!"
"Neither am I. But I feel the need to assure you that I love you very much. I will always watch over you, my child."
Damian grumbled, seemingly unsatisfied with the single headpat I gave him, "Lucky…"
Jason chuckled, "Heh."
Talia's eyes flicked up to look at both of them with the sharpness of a rapier, "Don't think either of you are excluded from this. Come here. Now. Both of you. Let me hold my children."
Jason paled, looking to and fro for an out to embarrassing motherly love. Damian didn't even hesitate, leaping back over the bar and practically straight into his mother's arms. Finally, Jason sighed a defeated teenage sigh and surrendered.
As the Bat Family hugged their Bat Mom, I glanced at Alice and smirked. She immediately saw my expression and said warningly, "Don't you dare, Sean…"
"Maybe the Dead End Family needs a nice group hug as well?" I suggested.
Didi giggled, "Perhaps that would be nice."
Alice paled just like Jason, torn between wanting to hug Didi and wanting to resist my teasing. Over Talia's shoulder, Jason shared a commiserating look with her. Harley was the one who made the final decision for my family group.
She hopped up to sit on the bar in front of me, giggling as she pulled Alice and Didi into her side with one arm. She pulled me in with the other arm.
"Dead End hug~!" She cheered, acting as a bridge between the other three of us.
"Fine…" Alice sighed, accepting the compromise with a sulking grumble that 'hid' her happiness at hugging Didi.
This was nice. Even if the children were complaining, the rest of us were enjoying the pleasant affection. I gave Talia a little smile over the girls' shoulders. She gave me one back over her children. If tears were glittering in her eyes, I certainly wasn't about to say anything.
"Aha!" After a few comfy moments, the door to the Dead End burst open with a blur of speed.
The blur stopped in its tracks immediately after its somewhat rude entrance, revealing a speedster dressed in red and yellow, "Uh… Am I interrupting anything?"
Talia glared at the most certainly interrupting Flash, "I don't know how. I don't know when. But I will find a way to make you pay for this transgression."
Even the fastest man in the universe faltered before Bat Mom's glare, "Ah… Haha… I'm in danger."
And I couldn't help but burst out laughing at how ridiculous the situation was.
Chapter 23
The staring match of the century took place in the Dead End - Bat Mom vs. The Flash. The kids were just thankful for the respite from their familial embarrassment via group hugs. Well, except for Damian. He was a good kid and seemed to genuinely enjoy the show of affection from his mother.
Alice was just as glad for the interruption as Barbara and Jason were though. Harley and I had to break the hug as we descended into near-hysterical laughter at the situation. Didi's laughter was more subdued but she seemed to be enjoying the ridiculous situation as much as me and Harley.
Talia's glare could have scorched steel. Even as the fastest man alive, Flash wasn't spared at all. He shifted awkwardly on his feet but he couldn't look away for long. There was just something about Bat Mom that demanded attention.
Maybe it was her piercing brown eyes - so dark that they were intimidating. So far, I'd seen them quite warm despite their darkness. Like dark chocolate with a hint of coffee and sea salt. Now, they looked like darkly stained wood. Specifically, darkly stained wood that was used in some kind of instrument of war.
The Daughter of the Demon certainly lived up to her name. I'm sure she was a formidable weapon in her own right. But her character was deeper than just that. As shown by how motherly she could be with those she considered her children. She didn't seem to show it in the most traditional way but Talia genuinely loved the Bat Kids. And for Flash to interrupt one of the few times when she was openly showing that affection was a recipe for disaster.
Oh, I doubt she could actually touch Flash. And I was sure he knew that too. But the threat alone was enough to make him uncomfortable. It wasn't about causing real harm, it was about making her displeasure known.
"Uh, Talia…?" Flash said slowly, raising his hands in a placating gesture. "I'm sure this is just a big misunderstanding. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. Promise."
Her eyes narrowed even more than they already were, her glare cutting even deeper, "I'm sure you didn't, Sultan of Speed. It would be unwise to make an enemy out of me."
"Not least because I just know Bruce would give me THAT look…" He chuckled nervously to himself.
Talia smirked at that, "Indeed. Now, will you apologize for ruining the rare moment I was enjoying with my children?"
Flash nodded so fast his head blurred, "Oh, God, yes! I'm sorry, Talia. I was just excited about finding the door and I moved faster than I realized. I'll, uh, be more careful in the future."
Satisfied, Talia allowed a small smile onto her face, "Very good, Barry. I suppose I shall allow this interruption to slide. Now, for more important things… How is Iris?"
"She's well," Flash chuckled. "It still kind of weirds me out that the wives all know each other."
"We all share something in common," Talia deadpanned. "Troublesome loved ones."
Flash paused, "… Yeah, it's hard to argue with that one."
By now, Harley and I had basically regained control of ourselves. The tail end of Talia and Flash's exchange made Harley burst back out into frantic laughter.
"W-Wait-! Hahahaha~! You're telling me the Justice League has a Wives' Club~?" She finally managed to get out words between her gales of giggles.
Flash joined her in laughter, "I know, right? It seems surreal but it even includes some of the more villainous love interests like Talia and Catwoman."
"Oh, man, that's rich~!" Harley exclaimed, clutching her sides. "What a mental picture~! Miss Superman, Miss Flash, Miss Bat, and Bat Mom having glasses of wine while the hubbies are off fighting crime~!"
"It's a healthy coping mechanism," Talia explained matter-of-factly. "It allows us loved ones to share our worries and seek support from each other while our idiots are off doing necessary but worrying things. Finding someone else who understands the troubles of being a superwife is certainly rather rare."
"That does sound quite nice," Didi considered. "Even if my Sean doesn't tend to go off saving the world, I think I would enjoy those meetings."
"You're more than free to join us next time, Lady Death. I don't think the others will mind but I'll ask just in case," Talia offered.
Didi smiled softly, "Thank you, Talia. And call me Didi."
"If you insist…" Talia said it remarkably calmly but I suspected she was rather pleased by the invitation of familiarity.
Didi turned her smile to me in a question and I shrugged, "You're right in saying I have no plans for saving the world. I've had more than enough of that sort of quest. But I don't see why my lack of heroic ambitions should stop you from a bit of girl time."
Flash blurred into a seat at the bar, "So it's true?"
I nodded, "All of it. Except for the stuff that isn't. That stuff is obviously completely false… What are you talking about again?"
He laughed at my bit, "Well, I just came from a meeting with some of the Justice League about you and this bar. Batman and Zatanna have complied quite the interesting reports."
"Ah," I nodded again, more clearly as he clarified. "Yeah, that's probably all true."
A grin crossed his face, "Even the one about the Crimson Fucker and the Catholic Church?"
I matched the expression, grinning just as widely, "Oh, that one was probably understated, if anything. I don't think it's possible to capture the insanity of that reality with just words, even for me."
By now, a steady stream of customers were coming into the bar. Most of them weren't my regulars yet. And certainly, none were from cities other than Gotham via my expansion efforts. Other than Flash, who seemed to have an unprecedented advantage when it came to searching for the doors I'd hidden.
The mundane Gothamites glanced at us at the bar. But as Gothamites, they were remarkably good at minding their own business. They just placed orders into thin air - as my customers had grown accustomed to - and the causality fuckery of the Dead End took care of serving them.
The few villains who'd come in so far made their way to the bar as per usual. Some of the regular mooks and goons joined them. Their curiosity was more obvious than the other customers but again, they were Gothamites and their business was still firmly minded.
The two exceptions were Riddler and Catwoman. Riddler came over and said a general greeting before settling in next to Klarion. Klarion took the slight interruption as an opportunity to make his proposal to Didi.
"Lady Didi? A moment of your and Miss Alice's time, please? I have an arrangement I wish to talk to you two about."
Catwoman came into the bar and paused when she saw Talia. Even from the front door, the grin that stretched across her lips was plainly visible. She immediately began stalking toward Talia, all swaying hips and a Chesire grin. If she had a tail, I'm sure it would have been raised high in anticipation.
Talia appeared ignorant, not seeming to notice Catwoman's 'hunt' at all. I had doubts as to how true that really was. Doubts that were soon proven correct as Catwoman got into Talia's range. In an instant, a sharp blade was pressed up against Catwoman's throat.
Still, Catwoman's Chesire grin didn't waver an inch and she purred, "Save it for the bedroom, Talia Darling~"
Talia's reply was as firm and as sharp as her knife, "You will not tempt me tonight, lioness."
"Oh, you always say the most delightful things~" Catwoman chuckled throatily.
Damian effectively cut through the tension between - as Harley called them - Bat Mom and Miss Bat, "Selina. Please save your seductions of Mother for a more private setting."
"Of course, my little tomcat. My apologies," Catwoman backed down but the smile she directed at Talia promised more for later. "It's only about half as fun without your father anyway."
"I did not need to know that," Damian said, his tone deadly flat.
Jason's voice was just as dead, "No one did."
"Ugh, seriously…" Barbara grimaced.
Flash watched the exchanges taking place between the Bat Family with amusement, "You know, this place really seems to be my speed."
"High praise coming from you," I joked.
He grinned, "Nice. I think I'll stick around for a while-…"
A crackle came from the earpiece of Flash's signature hood, interrupting him. He winced, "Hold that thought."
I didn't bother straining myself to eavesdrop as he answered the call. It really wasn't any of my business or concern. Maybe the Gotham pragmatism was contagious. His mood switched from casually joking around to decently serious.
"Right, I'm on it," Flash confirmed to whoever he was talking to - likely the person on duty at the Watchtower - before turning to me. "Back in a jiff!"
Like his namesake, he was out the door in a flash. I felt the front door connect to the door I'd put down in Central City as he left. It didn't even have a chance to close before he blurred back into the bar. Only now, he brought a guest with him.
"Cool if I sit on him here?" Flash asked.
I looked at the villain he'd brought with him and shrugged, "Fine with me."
"Hello~!" Harley waved excitedly, not bothering to hold back her giggles.
Captain Cold whipped his head around frantically, "What the fuck, Flash?! This is a bar, not the fuckin' slammer!"
Flash smirked, "I realize that. Guess it's your lucky day, Cold. You can have a few drinks before I take you in. Normally, I'd be sure to ask before taking someone out to a place like this but you started something right in the middle of a conversation I was enjoying."
"I, uh… huh?" Captain Cold's confusion was damn near palpable.
"Welcome to the Dead End, Captain," I greeted. "Something on the rocks for you, I suspect?"
"That, uh… huh?"
Flash sat back down at the bar, pulling Captain Cold into the seat next to him. He slapped him on the back and explained, "This is Mr. Barkeep. Eldritch bartender extraordinaire. He runs a bar in Gotham where heroes and villains can come without having to worry about trouble with each other."
"You took me all the way to Gotham?" Captain Cold asked, still reeling.
Flash just smirked, "Not quite."
"I'm so fucking confused right now," Captain Cold mumbled to himself. "Is that the fucking JOKER in the mirror?!"
"What's left of him, at least," I confirmed. "Just ignore him. Everyone does these days."
"Joker~?" Harley grinned wickedly wide. "More like No-ker~!"
Jason let out a relieved sigh, "God, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. Honestly, this is still better than that bastard deserved."
Talia nodded, "Indeed. The clown's fate was long overdue. I only wish I could have extracted a more… personal punishment for what he did to my Jason. Lady Didi's sentence is fitting but I would have methodically taken the clown apart and made him put himself back together like a puzzle. Over and over again. Until even he could not laugh…"
"God, Bat Mom fucking rocks…" Harley said with stars in her eyes.
"She does have her good points," Jason chuckled.
"Don't I know it~" Catwoman purred.
Damian produced a spray bottle from his utility belt, "Down, Selina. I already warned you once."
"Good, Dāmi," Talia praised her son with obvious pride. "Save your Mother from this feline temptress."
"Gladly, Mother."
He spritzed Catwoman. She hissed at him. Actually hissed. Damian didn't falter. He spritzed her again. She covered her face and laughed.
"I yield! I yield! You win, little lion, you win!"
Damian's reply was utterly dead, played as straight as he possibly could. Which - with Damian - was pretty damn straight, "I am victorious. Surrender your lewd and horny ways, Selina."
Barbara smirked, "Seems like you've got a future as a big cat tamer, Damian."
Jason joined her, "Oh, Dick is going to be so jealous."
"Hmm," Damian hummed thoughtfully. "Because of the circus?"
Jason paused, "… Yes. Because of the circus. No other reason he would be jealous of your proficiency with 'taming' women even at your young age. No reason at all."
Barbara punched him on the arm, "Real smooth, idiot."
The Bat Family seemed lost in their own little world and the rest of us could only watch. Once you got enough of them together in one place, they seemed to reach critical mass. The effects were certainly entertaining to witness though.
Captain Cold was staring with his mouth gaping open, "What. The. Fuck…?"
Flash wasn't much better off. At least he wasn't gaping at them though, "Yeah, this is a bit unusual even for me."
"What… is this place?"
"The Dead End," I answered with a chuckle.
"And the heroes are only half of the show," Riddler added. "Wait until you hear even one of Mr. Barkeep's stories."
Flash perked up at that, "That's actually why I'm here. I heard some pretty unbelievable things from Batman. I just had to come to confirm them for myself."
"… Why do I feel like I'm going to need more than one drink tonight?" Captain Cold asked, partially to himself.
"Because you've always been a smart cookie, Cold," Flash chuckled. "Seriously. Joker? He's just the tip of the iceberg from what Batman's report on this place said."
"But what a tip he is~!" Harley whooped a cackling jeer.
"Are we sure he's safe in there? What if someone like Mirror Master comes along?" Captain Cold looked to me for reassurance.
"I don't think that'll be a problem," I smirked.
"Yeah, if his tech can overpower Death of the Endless, I think we'll have bigger problems on our hands. Namely, existence itself going a bit… fucky," Flash joked.
Captain Cold's face went completely blank, "Who? I'm sorry, I could have sworn you just said something ridiculous and reality-altering."
Smiling, Didi gave him a little wave, "Hello, Leonard. You can call me Didi." She chuckled, "Perhaps I should start wearing that on a little name tag. I feel like I'm saying it enough these days."
"Nice to. Meet you, Didi…" He said robotically.
"Rejoice, mortal!" Alice jumped into the conversation, one hand on her hip and the other held dramatically high. "Lady Death - my mother! - Has taken it upon herself to placate your worries about the fool clown!"
If it was possible for Captain Cold's expression to get any blanker, it did at Alice's theatrical declaration. His mind was either blue-screening or - more appropriately - 'frozen'.
Alice quickly broke down into giggles, losing grip on her performance, "You should see your freaking face~!"
"Don't worry," Klarion reassured Captain Cold. "Others have certainly reacted to that information more poorly. At least she didn't immediately suck out your soul like she did for Faust. Poor stupid Faust…" He shook his head faux-solemnly before perking back up instantly, "And at least you aren't meeting both Didi and her sister at the same time."
Captain Cold reacted in whispered horror, "Death has a sister…?"
"Oh, yes," Klarion nodded. Though it didn't show in his voice, he was obviously enjoying this very much, "Lady Delirium can be a toss of the coin. Either the best or the worst of the Endless. Not like Didi. Didi's consistently second-best, at least. Often first."
Captain Cold slowly turned to Flash, his face as white as snow, "Where? The fuck. Did you? Fucking! Take me, Flash?!"
"Oh, it's not that bad," Flash waved before pausing slightly. "… I think." He chuckled, "Anyway, no need to get your mittens in a twist. You're either dead now or you're dead later, as I understand it. Meeting Didi doesn't change anything."
Didi smiled softly, "That's a good way to put it, yes. I'm in no rush to claim souls or anything of the like. Certainly, not so much that I'd cut a life short myself. I have plenty of time. You'll all join me eventually."
Flash shuddered minutely at her pleasant tone and ominous words but he played it off remarkably well with a smirk, "See? Nothing to worry about."
"Nothing to… Nothing to worry about?!" Captain Cold repeated frantically.
Suddenly, he stilled, seeming to go from denial to anger straight through bargaining and depression at a pace that would make Flash jealous. He settled quite well on acceptance, turning to speak to me with an almost disturbing calmness to his voice.
"Mr. Barkeep? Vodka, please. All of the vodka. And yes, on the rocks. I'd drink it straight from the bottle but I don't want to be rude."
I chuckled at his sudden civility, "Sure thing, bud."
Flash shrugged, "I suppose letting you drink is the least I can do since I'll be taking you in after this."
Captain Cold glared at him, "Damn fucking right. Just try and stop me. I was having a perfectly normal day - just doing some crime and-…"
Klarion and Harley interrupted with a shared grin and perfectly synched joking minds, "And chilling~?"
"Shut up," Captain Cold said without even looking at the Witch-Boy or Jester. "Then after you stop me like usual, you take me to THIS. GODDAMN. IMPOSSIBLE. FUCKING. PLACE!"
"Watch it, Bub," Flash said in amusement more than warning. "I can still drop you off in the drunk tank when I take you in."
"Even that place would make more sense than this fuckin' bar…" Captain Cold grumbled.
"I don't know," I considered casually. "I quite like my impossible bar. Nothing like an impossibly good drink, impossibly good company, and a few impossible stories to make you appreciate the possible things in life."
Riddler raised his glass, "Hear hear! We quite like it as well, even if some of your stories can be a bit worrisome, Sean."
"More like boggle the mind and make me want to tear my hair out when I'm writing up the reports," Barbara deadpanned.
"You wouldn't trade me for the world," I smirked at her.
"No comment," She shot right back, acting unphased despite the slight color that crept up her cheeks.
Talia sighed, "No, my child, not like that. You must declare your love from the rooftops. Make your intentions clear and chase them without shame. That's how I swayed and wore down your father."
"Batman isn't my dad, Talia," Barbara groaned. "I have an actual, blood-related father that I love very much, thank you."
"And?" Talia raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with having two fathers? One is your work father and the other is your slightly less work-related father."
Damian nodded, "Truly, you are the luckiest among us, Carrot. It's deplorable."
"Hello?! Paralyzed up until recently, here?! Does ANYONE remember that?!" Barbara threw her hands up in exasperation.
Jason patted her shoulder commiseratingly, "It's okay, Babs. No one seems to remember I was dead either."
"Get over yourself. No one likes a braggart," Damian's reply was flat and cutting.
Everyone else at the bar watched the Bat Family's bickering with varied reactions, mostly tinted with amusement. Flash was clutching his sides in laughter. Harley was right there with him. Klarion chuckled with mirth so thick it was palpable. Captain Cold just stared at them with a far-off look in his eyes.
Riddler was perhaps the most amused without losing himself to laughter, "They certainly are a very unique family."
Recovering from his giggle fit, Flash changed the subject, "Speaking-… Heh. Speaking of impossible stories, I'd really like to hear a few of those for myself, Mr. Barkeep."
"Got anything specific in mind?" I asked. "Hell, just name something and I'll probably have a story for it."
Behind his merry mask, Flash's eyes grew calculating. He scanned the wall of trophies behind me. Eventually, he hummed.
"You seem to have quite the collection of swords back there. Any stories for them?"
"Oh, that?" I smirked. "That's just my Excalibur collection."
My simply ridiculous statement brought him up short. He looked like he was moments away from doing a comedic face fault into the bartop. Even the Bat Family stopped their familiar bickering to stare at me.
"Sure," Captain Cold nodded, accepting my claim remarkably well. "Why not? Just perhaps the most legendary sword of all time. Just multiple versions of it. Just a confirmation that the myths and legends of Camelot might just be real. Why not? Why. Not…?"
Ah, perhaps he didn't accept it as well as he appeared to. As he trailed off, he reached blindly for the glass in front of him. Using the Dead End's domain, I shifted space a bit so he didn't make a mess. No one seemed to notice that casual impossibility, at least.
He threw the tumbler back, swallowing it all in a single, unflinching gulp. It seemed to help.
"So walk me through how that's possible, please. I was under the impression that there was only one Excalibur."
I waved my hand so-so, "Kind of. Legends can be silly like that. Even in a given reality, there can be multiple swords with the name. Take this Excalibur, for example."
With a casual wave of my hand, I summoned one of my Excaliburs forward to float above the bartop as if it were held in an invisible weapon stand. Magic and myth poured off the sword like great ocean waves. It was a beautiful blade, simple and artful in its elegance. Nothing about it was particularly fancy or elaborate. It was just a perfectly crafted masterpiece of magical forging. The very essence of a Sword.
Wonder and veneration were thick in the air, radiating from everyone who laid eyes on the sword. Just the sight of it was enough to capture anyone's attention. My audience was nearly struck speechless. Damian found words first, aptly putting the awe into words.
"Want."
Talia wasn't far behind her son, "A masterpiece…"
"It's… beautiful. Masterful. Practically godly. I-I've never… This weapon is perfection. Everything a sword was and is meant to be," Klarion muttered in breathless awe.
"Holy shit…" Alice was physically reeling from the magic of Excalibur. "Just looking at it is a rush."
"This is the real Excalibur?" Flash asked, less affected than those who were sensitive to magic.
"Yes and no," I hummed. "Yes, it is Excalibur. No, it isn't quite real. It's… well, not a copy. That description would be entirely too basic.
"It's an echo. Not diminished from its truth, just… muted. The same goes for all of the trophies I have back there. They're perfect recreations of things I've encountered, owned, or conquered but they don't hold quite the same metaphysical weight as the true versions would in their original reality."
"How does that even-…" Flash began to ask.
Klarion interrupted, rubbing his temples, "Don't. Just… Don't. I'm getting a headache even just thinking about the sheer power, prowess, and impossibility at work here."
"So that's one Excalibur…" Captain Cold said cautiously.
I smirked, "Actually, it's seven."
As I said that, the sword began to split into the seven other swords that made up the True Excalibur, each sword different from the last.
I named them as they appeared, "Excalibur Destruction. Excalibur Mimic. Excalibur Rapidly. Excalibur Nightmare. Excalibur Transparency. Excalibur Blessing. And Excalibur Ruler. This is what I meant when I said multiple swords can bear the name Excalibur at the same time."
The seven Excaliburs floated tip-down over the bar. I'm sure they made for quite an intimidating sight. If anything, the awe in my audience had only increased.
"Anyway, the story behind these Excaliburs isn't very interesting," I shrugged. "They were separated like this for a long time until they were finally reunited by a high school girl who became a Devil after she found out God was dead."
"Cool," Alice grinned wickedly at my short recounting of Xenovia's tale.
"I'm SORRY, WHAT?!?!"
Smirking to myself, I didn't answer the chorus of horrified exclamations, "Moving right along."
"Goddamn it, Sean," Barbara groaned.
"Yeah, that was a bit much even for me," Jason added.
Grinning at their expense, I called forward another Excalibur, this one wrapped in Invisible Air, "This Excalibur is my personal favorite. Mostly because of the one who wielded it."
"Cool~!" Harley chimed. "King Arthur story~!"
"I actually think you'll really like this one, Harley," I chuckled. "Let me introduce you to King Arthur - the wielder of Excalibur: Sword of Promised Victory."
With a bit of casual effort, a little figurine of Artoria Pendragon formed on the bartop, just as I remembered her. Golden-blonde hair. Green eyes. A womanly figure perfectly streamlined for combat. Even in figurine form, you could tell how diminutive this King Arthur was. Frozen in time with a determined expression on her face, she held her Excalibur out before her. Its true glory was partially revealed with the sword's famous Invisible Air sheath just beginning to unwind.
"Meet Artoria Pendragon, King of Knights. AKA Saber. AKA the Red Dragon. AKA the Once and Future King of Britain."
The reactions were about what I expected. Even the goons and mooks watching from the sidelines got in on the fun. Quite a lot of blank faces. An ecstatic grin from Harley. A soft smile from Didi. And of course, plenty of…
"Uhhhhhh…"
"King…?"
"That… doesn't seem right."
"Interesting. This king seems to have breasts," Damian observed flatly, very much stating the obvious.
"I freakin' love her~!" Harley squealed with glee. "She's so tiny and adorable and fierce~! Go off, Girl-boss~!"
"Ah, yes, what makes a king?" Klarion mused, setting himself up for a hammy monologue. "Merely a gender? Or is it something more? Perhaps-…"
I cut him off unapologetically, "What made Artoria king was her everything. She was honest. She was courageous. She had will undying. She was everything a king should strive to be. In a way, it was enough. In another, it was far from such."
My audience listened to me describe Artoria, enraptured. I don't think Harley's eyes could shine any brighter. Despite herself, Alice couldn't help but be struck just as interested. Even the Bat Family listened intently. The men - Flash, Klarion, Riddler, Captain Cold, and numerous mooks and goons - leaned forward to hear more about the King of Knights.
"In the end, Artoria was struck down by her son. Her own flesh and blood. As if frozen in time on the Hill of Camlann, she stared down at her final battlefield, forced to constantly confront her dead subjects, those who'd fought for and against her."
As I spoke of Mordred, another figurine formed on the bartop, this one of her likeness. Wearing the same face as her 'father', Artoria's 'son' scowled out at the audience. Her appearance brought some cause for pause.
"Uh…"
"I think I'm seeing a pattern here."
Smirking but undeterred, I continued, "But that wouldn't be the end of her story. In her final moments, Artoria sold herself to the will of the planet, offering her services as something called a 'Counter Guardian' to act against those who would threaten the balance. In return, she asked to be able to seek the Holy Grail and save her nation.
"And so, over and over again throughout history, Artoria was summoned to fight for the Grail. She was given no rest. No quarter. Forced to constantly war with others' ambitions and even herself. She took on different forms, different classes, and even different histories. But at the core of it all, there was always… Artoria."
Artoria's figurine animated itself, spinning as if dancing. As it did, her form and outfit changed. Her standard blue armored dress. A much more casual dress. A well-tailored suit. The black outfit of her Saber Alter. The white of her Saber Lily. The more endowed beauty of her Lancer form. The Lion King and Goddess Rhongomyniad. And finally, back to her original Blue Saber form.
"After what must have felt like an eternity of fighting, Artoria gave up on her quest for the Holy Grail. She recognized that her dream was just that. A dream. She accepted her death and at once, found two ends. In her original time, Artoria threw Excalibur back to the Lady of the Lake. Her body was carried to Avalon - the utopia that exists nowhere in this world.
"In another time, another place, a Reverse Side of the World, Artoria found another dream worth waiting for. Her final master in her final Grail War was an imperfect man. Just like her, he gave himself as a Counter Guardian. Until his end, neither would find peace. Neither would find the dream they shared.
"He was more sword than man. She was more king than woman. But in Shirou, Artoria found something special. Something worth waiting for. She was his sheath and he was hers.
"Yet their times were still horribly misaligned. For them to meet again, two miracles had to happen. One of them had to wait continuously. Forever. And the other had to search endlessly. Forever. It was just a dream, one that shouldn't have been there when they opened their eyes."
"Oh, nooooo~…" Harley wiped tears from her eyes with a whimpering sniffle.
"What?! That's it? Where's the happy ending?!" Alice demanded, tears of her own threatening to fall from her eyes.
"Sometimes there aren't happy endings, little one," Didi soothed.
"Ain't that the truth," Flash shook his head.
"There wouldn't have been a happy ending. There SHOULDN'T have been one. But I was there to give the two a push in the right direction," I said, smiling softly.
"Oh, thank God," Riddler exhaled in relief.
"And who were you during all of this, Sean?" Barbara asked slowly, careful not to show the emotion Artoria's story pulled out of her.
"Me?" I smiled a practically patented closed-eye smile. "I wasn't someone you gave a name to. I suppose you could have called me Magus of Flowers."
Klarion went stiff at that name, "Merlin…"
"Something like that…" The familiar closed-eye smile didn't leave my face. "I gave them their wish. A dream in Avalon where they could meet again. Sword and sheath were reunited. And though they both lost and loved, in the end, they lived happily ever after."
While the emotion from the story was still thick in the air, there were more smiles now that I'd ended it on a happy note. Klarion still looked at me with something between utter awe and terror on his face though. I turned the closed-eye smile onto him and he flinched. Even after I dropped the expression with a chuckle, he didn't relax. Merlin did tend to have that effect on people.
"I enjoy a story with a happy ending," Damian commented plainly.
"Good for Artoria. She deserves it. Sounds like she had to put up with a lot of crap," Captain Cold said just as plainly.
I chuckled, "You have no idea. The Grail Wars could be entire stories to themselves. Don't even get me started on sadistic priests and egomaniac first heroes."
"You'll have to tell us that story sometime," Catwoman grinned.
I sighed, "That'll take the entire night if I want to do it justice."
"Not like you have anything better to do," Barbara snarked.
"I could do you," I shot back.
She turned her head away with a 'hmph' to hide her blush, saying, "Well, I suppose I am 'better'…"
"Good, my child," Talia nodded approvingly. "Get your own 'happily ever after'."
Barbara's blush went nuclear and she sputtered denials. Talia would not be so easily dissuaded.
"Have you challenged your chosen mate to a spar yet?" She prodded.
"T-That-! That wasn't anything more than friendly!"
I smirked, adding fuel to the fire, "I seem to recall you saying it was a date, Babs~"
Talia smiled, "Wonderful. Next, you should try your best to kill your intended. It's a way to show you care."
Barbara hung her head in her hands, "… You give terrible romantic advice, Talia."
"I don't know," I hummed. "I've met a few of my lovers through assassination attempts."
She glared up at me through her fingers, "Nothing about your love life should be taken as the norm!"
I laughed, "Fair point. Still, romantic assassination attempts seem to be quite common."
"That's because they just work," Talia said. "Inordinately well."
As we bickered, the little figurine of Artoria I made and animated sat down on the bar top. She immediately produced a proportionally gigantic bowl of rice and began chowing down. The Mordred figurine crowded her 'father', trying to get at the rice as well.
Equally amused watching us and the figurines, Flash cut in, "You know, there's still one Excalibur up there you haven't shown off yet."
"That one? It's hardly interesting," I waved dismissively. Still, I called it forward, "It's my most mundane Excalibur. Just a regular sword, really. A good sword, but just a sword. It's from an amusing world I spent entirely too much time in. Twas a silly place."
Harley lit up at the last line, "Are you saying what I think you're saying, Gothboy~?"
"No fucking shot…" Klarion muttered to himself.
I smirked, "Strangely enough, I was searching for the Holy Grail in that world as well. It was guarded by a most fearsome beast! Behold! Death! With nasty, big, pointy teeth!"
I waved my hand to the side, directing everyone's attention back to the wall of trophies. There, they all found themselves looking at a specific 'stuffed' rabbit. It was pure white and utterly unassuming in appearance.
"Death?" A mook asked skeptically.
"It doesn't look like much," Flash said, amused.
As he said that, the 'stuffed' rabbit turned its head to glare beady red eyes at him. Everyone at the bar froze.
"Run!" I urged, shouting a desperate warning. "The Killer Beast of Caerbannog awakens!"
"Jesus Fucking Christ!" Flash swore, suddenly blurring into motion. The rabbit leaped from its place on the shelf nearly as fast as he could move and all Hell broke loose in the Dead End.
Chapter 24
The expressions in the Dead End wouldn't have looked out of place on soldiers returning from WWI. Nearly everyone was practically shell-shocked. Flash. Captain Cold. Riddler. Catwoman. The Bat Family. Countless mooks and goons. Even I didn't escape unscathed. The Rabbit of Caerbannog was just as bad as I remembered.
There were a few notable exceptions to the collective trauma the beast left in its wake. Didi was largely unaffected. She just tutted lightly and began putting the wartorn Dead End back together. Klarion - the potential Chaos Lord - was shaking with laughter. He didn't seem physically able to stop himself.
And Harley - Miss Chaos Incarnate - had a wide grin on her face. One that stretched from ear to ear. Thankfully, it was much more pleasant to look at than something her old squeeze would have worn. What was less pleasant to look at was the fact that Harley currently had a certain white rabbit sitting calmly on her lap as she petted it…
Somehow, Harley had ended up taming the Rabbit of Caerbannog. I didn't even want to imagine the chaos that now awaited the world. The beast had given Flash a run for his money. Flash was still faster, of course. But the fact that he had to try at all was worrisome.
And now, all that adorable, unassuming power lay in Harley's hands. Looking at it now, you'd never have thought that the innocent little rabbit was so ungodly dangerous. A beast straight from myth and humorous paradox.
Honestly, I should have expected this to happen. The rabbit was content to sit on my shelf unbothered. But it was from a rather silly reality that ran on the rules of comedy. So exactly when it was funniest, it sprung into action.
We all watched in understated horror as Damian approached Harley and her new 'pet', "Congratulations, Miss Quinn. He's a worthy familiar. Have you decided on a name yet?"
Harley cackled maniacally, "Isn't he just adorable~? I'm thinking… Tom."
Damian nodded in approval, "A suitably imposing name. I shall be watching his career with great interest."
He turned to Talia, "Mother. I would like a pet to match Tom."
Even Talia winced at that, "Is Goliath not enough, Dāmi?"
"I suppose," Damian frowned. "He will need more training."
"I'm sure you're more than up to the task, my son," Talia praised, breathing a subtle sigh of relief.
"What. The actual. Fuck is that thing…?" Flash asked in whispered horror.
"A great and terrible beast," I answered solemnly.
"Hey~!" Harley pouted. "Tom's just a little guy~!"
I corrected myself, "A great and terrible 'little guy'."
"Better," She nodded in satisfaction before breaking down into giggles.
Flash tried again for some sense of sanity, "No, seriously. It could almost keep up with ME for a second there! What the fuck?! What is it?!"
I looked at the beast - ahem, little guy - for a moment and shrugged, "A rabbit?"
"In what fucking universe?!"
Still laughing uncontrollably to himself, Klarion clarified, "Monty Python~! I can't believe no one else recognized it~! It's the rabbit from Holy Grail~!"
That brought Flash up short, "Oh…"
"Oh, shit…" Jason added. "How did I not see that?"
Barbara sighed, "As always when it comes to Sean… Bullshit."
"Honestly, I think that's the most terrifying thing you've shown off so far, Mr. Barkeep," Riddler said. "Especially since it still seems to work on the rules of parody and satire."
I nodded my agreement, "Yeah, comedy universes are always subtly more terrifying than even horror ones."
"Aw, c'mon~" Harley implored. "He's just a little guy~! Look at him~! He wouldn't hurt anything more than a head of lettuce~!"
She held up her new pet as she pleaded his case. Tom didn't so much as fidget in her grip. His little nose just twitched adorably. The rest of us looked from him to the damage he'd caused to the rest of the bar. Damage that Didi was still fixing.
"It is remarkably cute for something so fierce," Catwoman considered.
"I must be going insane because I kind of agree," Flash laughed to himself a bit hysterically.
Captain Cold patted him on the shoulder, "It's much easier if you just give up and accept it. And drink. Drinking helps as well."
"There's a reason I opened a bar of all things," I smirked.
"That might just be the smartest decision you've ever made, Sean," Barbara snarked.
My lips quirked even further, "It's certainly up there."
"I… I need a drink. Cold? Do you mind sharing?" Flash asked.
Captain Cold raised an eyebrow at him, "Aren't you on duty?"
"I'm always on duty," Flash deadpanned. "And with my metabolism, drinking only affects me if I let it."
"Fair enough," With a shrug, Captain Cold poured another glass from the bottle I'd given him to hold. It seemed they both needed it now.
With a flash and a blur, Flash downed the first glass and poured himself another. He sighed, "Alright, what's next?"
Though I was amused by his persistence, I felt the need to give him an out, "We don't have to go through my whole trophy collection back there, you know. We can call it a night and move on to something a bit less likely to give Barbara a conniption."
"Please?" Barbara begged sweetly.
Flash laughed, "No, I'm slowly getting used to it. It's almost funny now. Almost… So go ahead and do your best to knock my socks off, Mr. Barkeep."
Barbara groaned, "You just had to taunt him, didn't you?"
"There, there, Babs," Jason consoled her, hiding a smirk. "What's the worst that can happen?"
She glared at him, "You did that on purpose. I just know you did."
The smirk on Jason's face was wicked as he stopped trying to hide it, "Maybe~"
I grinned at their dynamic and turned to Flash, "My best, huh? Let's start you off easy."
"Uh oh…" Catwoman muttered. "I don't like that tone on him."
"I REALLY don't like that tone on him," Riddler agreed.
"Let's see…" I considered. "Ah, this should be a good appetizer."
From my shelf of trophies, I called forth two specific items. One black and one white, they seemed to reflect each other perfectly. The two palm-sized orbs of unidentifiable crystal instantly attracted Catwoman's attention.
She purred, "Oooh~ Shiny~…"
I chuckled, "You probably won't want to touch them after I tell you what they are, Selina. These… are crystalized potential - a magical state of matter known as Materia. Specifically, the two most powerful Materia I ever encountered. They're both one of a kind. And both magnitudes more powerful than even the strongest Excalibur I just showed you all."
I held the two Materia in separate hands, not daring to bring them any closer together than they already were. They weren't reactive, per se, but there was still good reason to avoid any accidental interaction between the two.
The White Materia in my left hand looked like patterned jade. Or perhaps an orb of light and smoke, considering the patterns on the Materia were in constant motion. Pale green light shined from within its core. Streaks and currents of wispy white drifted just under its surface.
The Black Materia in my right hand was the White's perfect copy and its exact opposite. It was a purple so dark it was nearly black. A paradoxical and impossible light of darkness made the crystal orb glow.
Immediately after I brought both of them to the fore, the reactions were visceral. Pure magic flooded the bar. Just the amount radiating from each Materia was enough to match magical leylines and their intersections. The non-magicals in my audience couldn't help but stare curiously and intently.
For the magic-sensitive among them, the reaction was much more intense. Talia and Damian didn't do much more than flinch. Catwoman was just mystically attuned enough to be almost physically drawn to the two Materia orbs. Alice twitched hard every time she looked directly at the Materia. And Klarion was immediately reduced to a drooling, near-comatose mess by the flood of magic.
"They're quite pretty. Like big crystal candies," Didi hummed. "I bet they'd taste wonderful. Sean Dear, may I have a nibble?"
Even in his almost insensate state, Klarion jolted at Didi's innocent request. He tried and failed to string together words, "W-W-W-Wha-…? B-B-Bu-… A-A-A-Ah-…"
Grinning, I held the impossibly potent Materia up to Didi's lips. She gave each a curious lick and nibble. There was a loud crunch as a shard of crystalized potential split from each Materia and entered Didi's mouth. She chewed and crunched loudly, sounding like she was cracking the most satisfying rock candy ever. The shards in her mouth crackled, popped, and snapped as she chewed.
The others stared at Didi with uncomprehending awe written across their faces. To a person, they all seemed unable to process what Didi had just done. Even the non-magically sensitive could feel the sheer power the Materia emitted. For the magically sensitive, Didi had just bitten into something magically priceless and almost impossible. Klarion even fainted for a brief moment before coming back around to radiate pure astonishment.
"Huh…" Harley made a little noise. "Magic crystals work like pop rocks."
"Mmm, that is quite nice. Tingly and perfectly aligned with my concept. The black one tastes just like Death and the white one just like Life. What do they do?" Didi asked.
"I'll get to that," I said, radiating amusement at her shenanigans. "They're called Black and White Materia respectively. They're formed in the Lifestream of a planet."
"Lifestream…?" Riddler asked.
"I almost don't even want to know," Jason muttered to himself.
"The Lifestream is… No, I should start with Gaia. Gaia was a planet. Not just a planet-sized lifeform. A quite literal - and quite female - planet. She was incomprehensibly vast and alien in her will, her mind. In addition to her own life force, she was a part of everything that lived on her surface. And they were a part of her in turn.
"The Lifestream was a massive ocean of souls and potential and magic that made Gaia what she was. It infused the whole planet, from its very core to its surface. It acted much like the internal structure of the Earth. Near the surface, the Lifestream was almost gaseous and as it went deeper, the pressure caused it to become liquid and then solid crystal Materia.
"Now, Gaia was entirely sentient. Utterly alien to our minds but certainly sentient. And over eons and millennia, millions of years, she began developing little things to do with her crystalized potential. Spells, you could call them. Anything from a small Fire or Cure up to the Materia I currently hold.
"Everything with a soul on Gaia gathered potential just by existing. A sort of mass perpetual potential motion machine. And this potential energy could be exercised through the soul and Materia in very specific ways. The spells. Over time, humans and other intelligent life - monsters, mostly - imprinted these spells into the Lifestream via collective consciousness. And through these spells, Materia became more specialized, taking on colors and functions.
"Nothing gathered more potential than Gaia. She was the beginning and end of all things in the Lifestream. And like I said, she was alive. So it stands to reason that she was more than conscious enough to develop spells and Materia methods of her own."
"Oh, God… Spells cast by a planet…" Barbara realized.
Even the non-magically aware paled and gaped at the idea, "That's… horrifying."
"It's fascinating," Riddler muttered.
Klarion had mostly recovered at this point and was furiously writing down notes as I spoke as if he were in a lecture, "This is quite literally more valuable than gold! This level of understanding-! This unique take on magic and potential energy-! Entire species have been killed for less!"
"We're getting to that," I chuckled ominously.
"Sean…? Please tell me you don't mean what I think you mean," Barbara pleaded.
I held up the Black and White Materia with a grin, "These two Materia were Gaia's ultimate creations. The White is the quintessential protective magic, capable of cleansing and healing everything on the planet. Crystalized Life of a Planet…"
"Oh, fuck," Captain Cold realized where I was going with this.
He wasn't alone, "Oh no…"
I indicated to the Black Materia in my palm, "And the Black one is the quintessential destruction magic, capable of calling down an extinction event in the form of the spell Meteor. Crystalized Death of a Planet…"
The silent horror in my audience was thick enough to cut with a knife. Even Flash - the man connected to the universe's literal Speed Force - stared in open-mouthed shock.
"You have…" Barbara choked out. "A crystalized extinction event… in your FUCKING hand?!"
"And the cure for one," I shook my head. "Everyone always seems to forget about the White Materia. Honestly, I think its protection is more impressive than the Black's destruction."
"What could Gaia even need those Materia for?" Klarion wondered, struck by curious awe.
"As far as I could tell?" I shrugged. "They were a last resort. To be used if Gaia ever needed to pack it all up and leave for some reason. Or Gaia just made them because she was bored. Honestly, knowing her, it could go either way."
"You talk about the planet as if you were good friends, Sean," Catwoman noted.
"Well, we talked quite often," I chuckled.
Jason gave me a dead look, "You. Talked. To. The. Planet."
"Did she say anything back?" Damian asked.
I smirked, "In her own way. Lovely lady, that Gaia."
"Why not?!" Barbara threw her hands in the air. "Next you're going to tell us you dated the planet too!"
"Well… You don't get much thiccer than a planet…"
"Shiiiiiit, he ain't wrong," A mook laughed.
"He's a Goddamn prophet of thiccness!" Another called.
"All hail, Mr. Barkeep the Planet Fucker!"
"You can make a religion out of this!"
"No, don't," Barbara cut the mooks off at the proverbial knees, turning to glare at me. "Look at what you've started, Sean. In Gotham, no less. If I start having to answer calls about planet-fucking cultists, I'm going to strangle you."
Harley cackled, "Gothboy Planet Fucker~!"
"How the Hell does that even work?" Alice asked, somewhere between horrified and curious.
"Hard work and determination. Lots of hard work and determination. And a willingness to do anything for planet-sized booty," I said, utterly serious.
After a brief silence as my serious words set in, Flash doubled over with laughter, "Oh, God, I'm going to pee! I can't-! Holy shit, that's so good!"
Alice looked at me with thinly veiled disgust, "That's just awful, Dad."
"Aww, thank you, sweetie. You called me 'Dad'," I smiled proudly at her.
She blushed and sputtered, "S-Shut up! I didn't! I totally didn't! You're hearing things, old man!"
I sighed dramatically, pulling Didi into my side, "Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted, right, Dear?"
Didi giggled at our interplay, "You two are just adorable."
I grinned and changed the subject, "Aren't we? Now, that should do for a nice warm-up trophy."
"Oh, God," Barbara groaned. "That was him starting us off easy!"
"Hmm, what trophy should I cover next?" Scanning my shelf, one in particular stood out, "Ah! All this time and I haven't even let them out? Isn't that just a shame?"
I called forth the trophy from the shelf. Everyone else paused as they saw what it was. Recognition shined in the eyes of my audience. Flash's mouth fell open in a subtle gape. Riddler and Harley's eyes lit up like fireworks. Even Barbara and Alice stared at me with slightly startled wonder, though it was tinted with a healthy dose of dread in Barbara's case. She knew me all too well.
"Is that…?" Jason started.
"That's a Pokeball," Captain Cold stated the obvious.
It was. I wasn't even surprised it was recognized. The standard red and white Pokeball was very distinct and memorable. And I was positive the franchise existed in this universe. To what extent, I wasn't sure. But it certainly existed for natives to recognize the famous device.
"But who's inside it is the real riddle," Riddler grinned excitedly.
I grinned right back, "A very much friend-shaped Pokemon."
"Charmander?!" Someone guessed.
"Nah, Squirtle gang!"
"How can anyone not think Bulbasaur is the most friend-shaped Pokemon?!"
"To be fair, all of the starters are pretty friend-shaped."
"Watch him pull out a freaking Wailord…" Klarion deadpanned.
"BIIIIG friend-shaped," Harley giggled.
"I do not understand. Why is this 'Pokeball' in particular so interesting? What is a… 'Pokemon'?" Damian asked, looking around in confusion at the excitement.
"Oh, you're going to LOVE this, pipsqueak," Jason chuckled.
Damian raised an impassive eyebrow, "I am? Why?"
"Why don't you see for yourself," I said, tossing the Pokeball up in the air and calling out. "Mew, I choose you!"
The catchphrase wasn't technically needed. But even after lifetimes, there were some habits I hadn't grown out of. With a press of the big button on the front, the Pokeball began its release process. At the apex of my toss' arc, it burst open in a flash of light and sparkles.
The flash faded as quickly as it came, leaving a small, vaguely feline, pink friend floating in its place. Mew glanced around curiously. Its tail flicked to and fro. It looked at me, cocking its head. I gave it a small, familiar smile.
Spoiler: Best boi
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"Mew~!" Mew returned my unspoken greeting and went back to exploring their new surroundings.
Damian stared at Mew, entranced. He made a few small noises, barely more than grunts, "Ah… Hng… Friend."
Catwoman's breath caught in her chest as she inhaled sharply, "Oh. My. God… It's. Freaking. EVERYTHING!"
Mew responded to both of their excitement, recognizing animal lovers when it saw them. It floated over to them, stopping to nuzzle Catwoman's cheek for a moment. It began circling Damian with unstoppable curiosity. With a cheerful cry, Mew's circling flight grew faster and faster.
After a few moments, Mew broke off from around Damian. It zipped here and there. Everywhere around the bar. Every little thing got a once over. Sometimes, a double take as well. The curious little creature explored so fast that it was almost a blur.
When it came to Harley, Mew paused. Fascination radiated from its little pink face, obviously inhuman but so very relatable at the same time. It sniffed at Harley's new rabbit friend Tom. Tom calmly sniffed right back.
"Mew," Mew nodded in satisfaction.
"Kuff," Strangely enough, Tom seemed to nod right back at Mew.
Mew flew back over to my side, chittering excitedly, "Mew Me Mew~!"
I chuckled along with it, listening as best I could, "Yeah, bud? Oh, him? That's Damian. Yeah, he's pretty nice. I'm glad you like him. Tom? No idea. Your guess is as good as mine."
"What a fascinating little creature…" Talia considered. "What is it?"
Though the others likely knew at least something about Pokemon, I explained for her sake, "This is Mew. It's a Pokemon. In another world, Pokemon are shockingly intelligent creatures that live alongside humans. Notably, they're not animals. They can be so much more than even humans in some ways.
"And Mew… Mew is the common ancestor of all Pokemon. Hundreds, thousands of distinct species. All evolving from Mew and its ancestors. At the same time, it's perhaps the last of its species. It certainly is in this reality.
"Mew is a perfect shapeshifter. It can learn just about anything. It's more intelligent than the majority of humans I've met. It's also an intensely potent psychic. I reckon it's easily capable of surpassing someone like Martian Manhunter."
As if to demonstrate my claims, Mew flexed its powers in the air beside me. It morphed, running through a plethora of different Pokemon shapes. It even finished off by shifting into Tom and then back to its usual form. It split itself into a perfect copy before reabsorbing itself and happily calling out.
"Mew~!"
"Mew is a good friend of mine. Usually, I let it out in a new life but I was a bit… distracted this time," I smiled somewhat sheepishly.
Mew turned to me with its hands on its hips, "Mew."
I raised my hands in apology, "I know, I know, buddy. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I was just busy with meeting Didi and then the Dead End and everything else that's happened. Actually, come meet Didi. I think you'll like her."
Mew didn't need any more direction after that. It immediately zeroed in on Didi, floating over and around her. Didi smiled kindly at the little pink friend.
"My, aren't you handsome~?"
"Mew!" Mew cried in protest.
"I'm sorry. Beautiful?"
More protest, "Mew!"
"Err… Androgynously attractive?"
Finally, Mew nodded, "Mew mew."
"Well, you're lovely no matter what," Didi decided with amusement.
"Can…?" Flash asked. "Can you actually understand it…?"
Didi blinked, "Yes? Mew is being quite clear, isn't it?"
Damian nodded, "Indeed. You just have to listen."
Catwoman tutted, "For shame, Flash."
Harley joined, "Yeah, dismissing someone just because they're a bit pink, cattish, and friend-shaped? I expected better from you, Flash."
"Don't worry," Captain Cold patted Flash's shoulder in commiseration. "I didn't get a single word from all of that either."
"It's really not hard," I said. "You just have to open your mind. Mew is the very definition of psychic. It may not speak fluent English but it can most certainly communicate. Damian's right. You just have to listen."
Flash was still quite cautious, "You did mention that psychic bit. Is that… safe? To have a creature - a Pokemon, at that. I still can't believe that part - that can beat out arguably the best psychic the Justice League has?"
I scoffed, "Mew is easily just as intelligent as Martian Manhunter. And it's not like this is its first venture into world-saving business."
Mew shifted, adopting a serious expression and a little perfectly fitting suit ala a certain British superspy. It even had a little martini glass in its paw.
"Mew… Mew Mew."
Flash gaped at it, "Did… Did that cat just 'Bond, James Bond' me…?"
"Like I said," My eyes twinkled with amusement. "Mew is very intelligent."
"And freakin' adorable~!" Harley's eyes were twinkling with more than just amusement.
"Might I add 'well-traveled'?" Riddler proposed.
I chuckled, "Oh, you have no idea."
"My heart," Catwoman clutched at her chest, completely serious. "Cute pink cat overload-! Damian… I leave all of my kittens to you…"
Damian nodded, just as serious, "I will treat them as my own."
"I raised you well," Catwoman gave a single solemn nod before keeling over onto the bar.
"You didn't raise him for shit, you wine aunt," Talia deadpanned.
A crunching noise drew everyone's attention back to Mew. It had shifted a bucket of popcorn into existence and was happily munching down as it watched the Bat Family's bit.
"Oh, God," Flash realized in horror. "Is the cat funnier than me…?"
"Do you have any Pokemon other than Mew, Sean?" Riddler asked.
"Nah, I never really saw a point," I waved dismissively. "Not with my pink friend here. Mew can become any other Pokemon and you can even recreate them all with its DNA. Not that I would, of course, Mew! My friend-shaped quota is easily met by you."
Mew glared at me, nodding as if to say 'You better not', "Mew!"
"Uh, what's that all about?"
"Mew can get a little… possessive when it comes to me and other Pokemon," I explained.
While everyone processed that little fact, a mook spoke up from the background, "Hey, uh, not to diminish how cool Mew is but how is this worse than the Materia?"
"Well, I don't plan on ANYONE getting their hands on the Materia. Ever," I answered.
"Thank God," Barbara bowed her head and let out a sigh of relief.
I grinned, "But Mew is worse because of what happens next. Now that it's been released into the world, Mew isn't going back into the ball."
As if it was planned, Mew 'Mewed' loudly. A little suitcase appeared in its hand. A little Batman hat appeared on its head. I knew better than to question where it came from. Then, in a flash, it disappeared from the Dead End.
Barbara froze and turned her head back up to stare me dead in the eyes, "Sean… Is our world suddenly going to experience a flood of… Pokemon?"
"Probably not…" I considered. "It didn't in any of the other realities we did this in. Not in my lifetime, at least. So unless God comes along and speeds up the evolution process by a bunch, I think you're safe. I suppose Lucifer could do the same thing pretty effectively too."
Didi giggled into her hand, "That's exactly something he would do."
"Sean…?" Barbara's voice was strained now.
I smirked, "I'm not apologizing. The world can always use more Pokemon."
"I mean, there's only one of it? How much damage can a single Mew do?" Alice asked.
Barbara groaned. Jason groaned. Flash groaned. They all knew enough to know Alice had just invoked Murphy in a major way. Captain Cold just calmly sipped his drink, seemingly blocking out the rest of the world. The rest of the audience were all laughing like maniacs.
I smiled at my daughter, "I'm so proud of you, Alice."
She flustered and looked away, "Whatever…"
"No, that's it," Barbara decided. "I'm not going to be the one to write up the report this time. Flash, you're the newbie around here. This one is on you."
"Shit…" Flash muttered to himself. He perked back up just as quickly, "Silver lining. I get to see the look on Supes and Bat's faces when I tell them to keep an eye out for Pokemon."
"Odds on Batman having a plan for exactly this happening?" A goon asked.
"No bet," Jason shook his head. "You haven't seen his contingency files."
"Yeah but surely 'Pokemon with Devil Assist' is a bit out there even for him, right?"
Jason's silence was telling. As was the silence from the rest of the Bat Family.
"Shit…"
"You ever think about how much your hero is sandbagging to deal with you?" Riddler asked, talking to himself mostly.
Captain Cold had a dead look in his eyes, "You have no idea…"
"I'm not that bad," Flash grumbled good-naturedly.
"I dare you to say that to my face, Mr. 'Run-So-Fast-That-I-Time-Travel'."
"At least Batman doesn't have any superpowers," Barbara chuckled.
"Oh, please," Riddler scoffed. "His paranoia is his superpower. Either that or it's to the point of severe, high-functioning mental illness."
"Yes. To both," Three voices deadpanned at the same time. Harley, Jason, and Catwoman didn't even have to look at each other to synch up their replies.
"I love that man," Catwoman added. "But there is absolutely no way he's neurotypical."
"Oh, fuck no!" Harley laughed. "The Bat is just as fucked up mentally as almost all of us Rogues."
"That's why we love him though, isn't it~?" Catwoman smirked.
Harley grinned back at her, "Wouldn't trade heroes for the world~!"
"Speak for yourself…" Jason grumbled.
Barbara rolled her eyes, "Oh, shut up, Jason. You know you love him too deep down in that 'black' heart of yours."
"I'm just saying he's far from perfect," Jason scowled.
"That's the whole point, Jayjay," Harley said as if she was explaining to a child. "Batman isn't perfect. But he's what we got. And he tries. Even someone like Joker could see that. Why do you think he wanted to break him so badly? Batman is Gotham's hero and even if he's got plenty of problems, we ain't about to trade him away."
The other villains at the bar nodded. Harley had summed it up pretty well. Jason could only give a brooding grunt. Talia patted her adopted son on the shoulder. Despite himself and his brooding, Jason found himself leaning into her touch.
"Uh, personally, I could do with a bit less punching?" A random mook spoke up from the background.
That got a few good laughs and managed to break the somewhat awkward mood that had come about. I chuckled and changed the subject further.
"Alright, one more trophy, and then we'll call it a night for now. What to-… Ah! I have just the thing in mind. It's not on the shelf back there though. Ready?"
"No," Barbara sighed. "We're never ready for ANYTHING you have to show us, Sean."
"Too bad," I grinned. "Prepare yourself as best you can. This one will be the most… well, MOST. Let's just leave it at that."
And with that, I reached into my Heart.
Barbara immediately panicked as she saw what I was doing, "Sean?!"
She wasn't alone, "Oh, holy shit…"
"What the fuck…?"
"His hand's really in there, isn't it?"
"Jesus, he's fuckin' diggin' around or something."
"You know, I expected more blood from someone shoving their hand into their chest."
I grinned at the reactions my little unannounced stunt had gotten. My hand was about wrist-deep in my chest. But as one of the mooks said, there was no blood. There wasn't even a visible disturbance in my clothes. It was as if my hand had just phased right through my torso.
My fingers wrapped around the hilt of that something I had in mind. Then, I pulled. My hand came out of my Heart and something else came with it. First, it was just a handle. A hilt. Then a long shaft that should have never fit inside my chest. Finally, the specifically stylized head of what was now clearly a weapon phased free of my Heart.
I held the Keyblade before me, flourishing it slightly with fond familiarity. It was quite literally a part of me. Not just a weapon for my soul. But a weapon for my Heart. It was the most basic Keyblade. There were others just like it. But this one was mine.
Someone eventually spoke into the silence that followed me pulling a weapon from my HEART, "… Weird lookin' ax."
I couldn't help but chuckle, "This… is a Keyblade. My Keyblade. A weapon of the Heart. Despite appearances, it does a more passable job as a sword than an ax. But its true purpose is in its name."
"It's a key…?" Alice asked, sounding surprisingly interested in my Keyblade. Or maybe pulling it from my Heart in such a way had tickled her theater kid sensibilities.
"Not just a key. It's THE key," I answered.
"Big fucking key," Captain Cold grunted.
"Did you HAVE to take it out like that, Sean?" Barbara looked like she wanted to hit me right about now.
"Kinda," I shrugged. "It is a weapon of my Heart. I mean that quite literally. I can do this…" I made my Keyblade disappear and return in a flurry of motes, "But pulling it from the Heart is always the most fitting way to reveal a Keyblade."
Klarion finally found his voice after gaping at me like an idiot, "You have. A Keyblade…? An honest-to-magic Keyblade…? I thought they were just myths-! Legends-! This is-! This is RIDICULOUS even for you, Mr. Barkeep!"
Harley hummed a curious question, "So the 'big fucking key' is some big magic dealio or something?"
"You could say that," I smirked.
"And it'd still be an understatement!" Klarion added, somewhat frantically. "Even the Materia he showed us pale before an actual Keyblade! I don't have the words to accurately describe a Keyblade. No one does, to my knowledge. Even in the magical community, they're mere rumors from something greater. We know just enough to be rightfully awestruck and a bit terrified of them falling into the wrong hands!"
"So… Big magic dealio?" Flash joked.
"Oh, Hecate's nubile body!" Klarion threw his hands up in exasperation. "Yes, you simpleton! If entire species would have been killed for the Materia, entire REALITIES would be killed just for a hint of a lead on a SINGLE. FUCKING. KEYBLADE!"
My audience stared at me and my Keyblade with a new wariness in their eyes. Klarion might have been exaggerating in his frustration. But honestly, it wasn't by much. Keyblades really were THAT powerful and valuable.
Jason shuddered, "Why does this almost not even surprise me when it comes to Sean?"
"Because we've become entirely too numb to insanity with him," Barbara sighed.
"I'll admit," Talia said. "I find myself quite skeptical of its abilities as a weapon. It looks like it would make a poor 'blade'."
She wasn't wrong. No part of the Keyblade was visibly sharp. The shaft of it looked more like a rod than a blade. And even the stylized head was rather blunt. Still, I knew just how dangerous a Keyblade could be even in just physical combat.
Amused, I brought back out one of my collected Excaliburs. Excalibur Destruction, to be more specific. It was a much more menacing sword than my Keyblade. Visibly sharp and with an intimidating almost-trident-shaped blade.
I held the domineering Excalibur horizontally before me, making sure everyone got a good look at it. Then I took my Keyblade and simply let it drop. I didn't put any extra force behind it other than what gravity could provide. Even then, the Keyblade cleaved the magically forged Excalibur's blade in twain like a hot knife through butter.
My audience was gaping at me again. They seemed to be doing that a lot tonight. This time, it seemed to be partially because of my casual destruction of a mythical sword and partially for the effectiveness of the 'unassuming' Keyblade.
"I… stand corrected," Talia admitted fault immediately, swallowing a slight thickness in her voice.
"That is more than a little terrifying," Flash gulped as well.
Casually tossing the Excalibur back onto the shelf behind me where it repaired itself, I smirked, "And the best part? Keyblades really aren't intended to be swords. The sharpness is only a side benefit."
"It seems a quite effective side benefit," Damian deadpanned.
Klarion laughed, sounding more than a bit manic at the moment, "And that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!"
"Do you want to try and explain the rest, Witch-Boy?" I asked with amusement.
He was still visibly shocked but Klarion didn't quail before the opportunity I'd presented him, "Haha… Ha! Very well. Bear in mind that all I have to go off - all ANYONE has to go off - are myths and legends, rumors and ramblings."
"Don't worry," I said. "I'll correct you if you get anything wrong."
"Oh, how reassuring…" Flash deadpanned.
I ignored him, "I'm also rather curious as to what you know. What legends of the Keyblades have managed to filter through the Source Wall?"
With still wild eyes, Klarion began to explain what he knew, "I've heard no clear explanation for the origin of Keyblades. If there is one, it certainly isn't known here."
"That's just about right," I added my own knowledge with a hum. "Even I don't know where they originally come from. Not definitively. I've heard rumors on the topic myself. Some say they were forged as pale copies of the True Keyblade. Others say they were pulled straight from the Hearts of worthy Keyblade Wielders."
"Fascinating…" Klarion paused to consider my words before continuing. "As Mr. Barkeep has said, a Keyblade is, in essence, two things. A weapon of the Heart. And THE key. In all the legends I've heard, the Heart is a very vaguely defined concept. It's said that a Keyblade Wielder must be strong of Heart. But further definitions on what that means or what that Heart is are never given."
"It's certainly not the physically beating organ in your chest," I chuckled. "The Heart is a much more metaphysical concept. Perhaps one of THE metaphysical concepts. Just as primordial and essential as the Soul."
Didi cut in briefly to explain her perspective on the subject, "Heart and Soul are two key components of all Life. Without the Soul, there can be no Heart. But the opposite is also true. I typically deal with the Soul, almost exclusively. My sisters - Delirium, Despair, and Desire - deal with the Heart. My brothers - Dream and Destruction - deal with the Body. Destiny concerns himself with nothing more than Fate."
"Damn," A mook muttered. "I ain't ever gonna get used to Miss Didi talking all casual about this kinda stuff."
"It's certainly interesting to hear the inner workings of existence laid bare like this," Riddler commented.
Damian nodded, "Quite compelling indeed."
"You don't know the half of it," Klarion sighed. "Nearly everything Mr. Barkeep and Lady Didi say pushes forward my understanding of magic, concepts, and reality by leaps and bounds. This place and its owners are like nothing I've ever encountered. A novice could become Merlin just by sitting here at this bar and listening."
Smirking, I gave him something else to chew on, "The Heart that a Keyblade draws upon is the same Heart concept that Didi's family deals with. Concepts such as these are impossible to fully put into words. You have to experience and meditate on them at a profound level to even begin to comprehend them. But I'll try to put it simply.
"Fate and Body are relatively simple. Which doesn't mean much for primordial concepts but I digress. The Body is all about the PHYSICAL. Not just flesh, blood, and sensation. More like what ties a being to the physical world, to everything, and to nothing. THE BODY IS A CONDUIT.
"Fate is the past, present, and all futures. Cause, effect, and all continuities between. It's all about actions, events, and CHOICES. FATE IS FREEDOM AND BONDAGE.
"The Soul is where it starts to get a bit complicated. Yeah, yeah, I know, 'starts' is a bad way to phrase it. But the Soul isn't so 'easily' quantifiable as the Body or Fate. It's something more and something less, simple and complex. It's all about consciousness and being, the core of what makes something UNIQUE. THROUGH LIFE, DEATH, AND ETERNITY, THE SOUL IS ONE.
"And finally, the Heart is arguably quite similar to the Soul. This is a vast oversimplification but if the Soul is thought, the Heart is emotion. Only so much more. The Heart is all about CONNECTIONS. THREADS THAT BIND AND CONNECT US, THE HEART IS MANY."
I finished each brief, touching explanation with a familiar mantra. The mantras poured from my lips before I could stop them. A throwback to my cultivation days. They, in particular, might have been a bit much.
A few of the listening mooks were physically and violently twitching in their seats at my explanation. One was even crying silent, overwhelmed tears. Even the least affected were staring into the distance with almost blank eyes. In fact, no one escaped my explanation unscathed.
"Owwww…" Alice winced. "My freakin' head."
"Ditto," The entire rest of my audience said in unison.
Barbara rubbed her temples and let out a long-suffering sigh, "Sean, please don't give out unearthly, unknowable, Eldritch truths so casually. Please. For everyone's sake."
"I-I… don't think I… am able to continue my explanation at this point," Klarion stuttered. "I-… That-… It-…"
I cut him off with a soothing chuckle, "I get it. I may have gotten a bit carried away there. That probably gave you a lot to think about."
"Understatement of the freakin' century," Jason grumbled.
Harley pouted, "You made my brain go all super fizzy, Gothboy."
"You know I'll blow your mind anytime, Harley~" I smirked at her.
"Yeah, I just prefer when you do it with orgasms, not spooky reality source code."
I laughed at the expression on her face and said, "Duly noted. Now, I suppose I should pick up where Klarion left off. Let's start again with the true purpose of the Keyblade."
"Yeah, you keep saying it's 'THE key'. What exactly does that mean?" Riddler asked curiously.
"Pretty much what it says on the tin, only taken to an existential extreme," I explained. "A Keyblade is a master key to existence."
"Oh~?" Catwoman purred, showing clear interest. "That sounds like it could be pretty useful in my line of work~"
I chuckled, "Mundane and even magical locks are only the beginning. A Keyblade can lock or unlock ANYTHING."
"Any… thing…?"
"Anything," I nodded. "Quite literally anything. From the mundane to the conceptual. From someone's locker to the Heart of the world itself. And with that much freedom of ability, you can imagine that the applications get pretty damn creative…
"One of the Keyblade's most famous abilities is how it can be used to lock or unlock literal dimensions. And that's a relatively simple application of the Keyblade's true potential, all things considered."
"It's a truly terrifying power," Klarion put in, recovering slightly from his profound enlightenment. "Off the top of my head, you could lock someone's magic or powers. Or you could unlock their soul from their body."
"Oh, God…" Catwoman whispered.
"So, uh," A mook uttered awkwardly. "Probably don't use it when ya forget yer keys, huh?"
"No, probably not," Klarion drawled flatly.
"Honestly, I've used it for more trivial things," I admitted. "But I try not to resort to it for everything. With a strong enough Heart, there are truly no limits to the Keyblade. It can be used for good or for evil. For Light or Darkness. It can be a Wielder's greatest tool or their greatest crutch."
"I'm almost afraid to ask but…" Flash hesitated. "Is there any chance we can get a demonstration?"
I shrugged, "Sure, why not? You need it for your report, right?"
"Something like that," Flash said. "It would certainly help to see the Keyblade's power in action. I don't think even Batman would fully believe me otherwise."
"He would," Jason uttered, sounding a bit dead inside. "He's met Sean."
Flash chuckled, "Still…"
I nodded and waved my Keyblade through the air above the bar top. The Connection between dimensions was unlocked and slashed through by the esoteric blade. A strangely keyhole-shaped tear in reality opened up. On the other side, there was only Darkness.
"There you are," I said. "Simple as."
My audience watched the process and the keyhole in reality with blatant awe, "Where…?"
Whoever spoke was instantly cut off by something coming through the keyhole. A small Shadow. A little black gremlin. A sliver of Heartless Darkness. And even it seemed confused about its sudden appearance. Glowing yellow eyes looked around almost innocently.
"What the heck is that little guy~?!" Harley exclaimed.
I almost blushed, "Ah, oops. That's embarrassing. There wasn't supposed to be anything on the other side of that. Seems a Shadow slipped through. No matter, this should be easy enough to deal with-…"
I closed the keyhole again. But just as I turned to deal with the Heartless, another portal opened, this one off to the side above the bar. Suddenly, a rainbow of appearance and emotion shined upon the Dead End. A familiar Endless came flying out through the portal.
"Weeeeee~!" Delirium whooped and cheered as she zoomed out of her portal. "Hi, Sean~! Hi, Didi~!"
Before anyone could reply to her or really even process her sudden arrival, Delirium opened her mouth much wider than what should have been possible. Rainbow teeth and a pitch-black void soon greeted the Heartless. It barely got a chance to blink.
"Nom~!"
Delirium didn't pause her course for a single second, soon enough disappearing into an identical portal that appeared opposite the one she entered through, "Bye, Sean~! Bye, Didi~!"
And just like that, Delirium was gone. Insanity left the Dead End as quickly as it came. Everyone was stunned silent. Even me.
"What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened…?" Flash asked stiffly.
Didi tittered behind her hand, "That was Del, my sister. I very much doubt we'll have to worry about that little creature ever again."
"Why am I not even surprised that Lady Delirium would think a little Darkness Demon was an appropriate snack?" Klarion asked rhetorically.
"Not a Darkness Demon," I corrected. "That was a Heartless-…"
"Nope! No, that's it! We're done for the night!" Barbara decided with a slightly fed-up shout. "No more! I'm putting my foot down. We've had enough impossible things for one night. Any more and you're going to drive me to drink!"
"Join the club," Captain Cold snorted, raising his glass.
I grinned, "Come now, Babs. You should have known to expect impossibility in the Dead End."
She glared at me and grumbled, "This stupid, sexy, Gothboy D better be fucking worth it…"
"Oh, Girl-Bat~" Harley singsonged with a grin to match mine. "You have no~OOO~oo idea~!"
Chapter 25
"Barbara. Just file your own damn report already," Batman growled.
Barbara rolled her eyes for the umpteenth time since she came up to the Watchtower to visit Kara and put herself in Bruce's range of nagging, "Flash filed one. Isn't that enough?"
"For something like this? No. I need a report from someone who doesn't run on pure, unadulterated ADHD," Batman deadpanned.
"You trust Tim's reports well enough," Barbara grumbled.
His tone took on a warning, "Barbara…"
"Ugh, this is SO not fair! I called 'not it'!"
"Tough."
"… I'm going to get you back for this."
"This is important, Barbara. You should realize that. While Mr. Barkeep is not currently classified as a threat, additional information on his abilities and history is always needed."
"You think I don't know that?! You weren't there, Bruce. I don't want to relive last night just yet. It's too soon!"
"… I trust you'll do the right thing here," With that, Batman sunk back into the shadows of the training room and all but disappeared.
"Ugh," Barbara grumbled to herself. "Stupid, sexy Sean… This is his fault."
"Uh…? What'd he do this time?" Kara asked innocently, pulling Barbara's attention back to her friend.
"Just his usual bullshit," Barbara muttered. "Honestly, I'd rather forget it for the moment if Bruce didn't 'need' my POV of last night."
"And don't think I didn't notice that impossible martial art you were doing," Batman's voice came from the shadows right before he left the training room. "I want a report on that too."
"Fucking bite me, Bruce!" Barbara snapped.
There was no reply from the shadows. Barbara knew Bruce well enough to know that didn't mean much though. He could just as easily stick around to brood if he wanted to. Not that she thought he had a reason to do so this time. Still, she had to check.
"Is he gone?" Barbara asked Kara.
Kara cocked her head slightly, "Yes, he just slipped into the vents and crawled away. Why does Batman use the vents in his own space station? Or partially his, at least."
"Because he's fucking Batman…" Barbara grumbled. "Paranoia or preparedness or just pure theatrics. That man has never been entirely right in the head."
"Hmm," Kara hummed, not agreeing or disagreeing. "So are you going to tell me about your night?"
Barbara sighed, "I suppose I should. It'll help with writing the report I have to write now. Fly and talk?"
Kara nodded, as adorable as ever, "Mmm~!"
She took off to a hover, casually floating about Barbara. Barbara concentrated on the original reason they'd come to the training room. Kara was VERY excited about the prospect of flying with her friend. For the given definition of flying Barbara was actually capable of.
To be fair, Barbara wasn't far behind in that excitement. She still hadn't gotten over the Anything Goes Art Sean was teaching her. It wasn't flying in the most traditional sense. But it was more than enough to make a huge difference for the otherwise flightless Barbara.
Much of her free time recently had been devoted to practicing the moves and motions that Sean had shown her after their little spar. Date… Whatever. Barbara most certainly didn't blush thinking back to the way he'd gotten her blood pumping and then held her so closely in the air less than a week ago. No, most certainly not…
Right, Anything Goes. Even outside the impossible martial arts-based flight, the style was worth learning. Honestly, it was a martial masterpiece. Easily on the same level or leagues better than the more popular styles Barbara already knew. Whoever developed it must have spent their whole life on the art of Anything Goes.
It was also a great way to explore her improved and perfected physique. She'd been happy enough with just being healed that she hadn't truly delved into what her new 'Death of an Unhealthy Body' body could do. Like, REALLY do…
It was a bit overwhelming now that she'd begun to experiment. Somehow, even with her now-perfected form, it still felt like she was only scratching the surface of Anything Goes. It was a superpower in its own right. One that was stacked right on top of the already almost divine physical buff Sean's healing had given her.
The style seemed to thrive on a level of physical fitness that should have been impossible to achieve. However, according to Sean, Anything Goes was designed and practiced by normal martial artists. Well, relatively normal.
He did mention harnessing an energy called Chi, something Barbara was only passingly familiar with. She had a feeling she'd be getting much more familiar with it going forward. But also according to Sean, Anything Goes was something that could be taught to anyone with enough hard work and determination to learn.
The fact that any Joe off the street could technically learn Anything Goes was a bit startling. Even magic and the more supernatural martial arts from their world still had certain prerequisite requirements - mostly in the form of inborn potential -, as Barbara understood it.
She knew she would have to put all of this in her report on the new abilities she'd demonstrated. Barbara had been hoping to hide Anything Goes for a little while longer. Mostly for the perfect moment to reveal it. She had been looking forward to seeing if she could get Bruce's jaw to drop when she kicked off thin air.
It seemed that was something of a pipe dream now. The Anything Goes cat was out of the bag and the perfect opportunity for a killer prank was lost. Barbara would just have to be content with a new supernatural martial art and a perfect body beyond human limits. Oh, woe…
Bruce and the others already knew about how her physique was enhanced after she was healed. But none of them had realized then just how much it was enhanced. They'd all been a bit understandably caught up in the excitement of Barbara being able to walk again. Or masturbate again, in Barbara's case.
There was a damn good reason Barbara found herself so interested in Sean. Other than the infuriatingly impossible insanity that surrounded him, of course. And his stupid sexy pretty boy looks and style… And the way he made her heart pump, for good and for bad… Okay, there were a few reasons. But being able to feel her pussy again was damn near the top of the list!
Shaking stupid sexy thoughts of stupid sexy Sean out of her head, Barbara kicked off the training room floor in a leap. She put just a bit more 'oomph' into it than she usually did and was rewarded by going just a bit higher than what could have been considered reasonable for a baseline human.
Kara hovered about two meters above the floor. Barbara's leap closed the distance. The apex of her up-and-down arc brought her level with Kara's eyes. Smiling wide with excitement, Kara slowly floated higher.
Barbara bicycled her feet in mid-air. Both for stability and to fight for a grip on the insubstantial 'surface'. Even after hours of solid practice, she had to concentrate immensely to accomplish this much. But it paid off. Shakily and steadily, Barbara's feet found impossible footholds in the air. Like walking up invisible, shifting stairs on her very tippy toes, Barbara matched Kara's slow ascent.
"This is soooo~ cool~!" Kara giggled giddily.
Barbara returned her excitement with an almost silly smile, "I know, right-? Aak~!"
It was enough to disrupt her concentration and send her falling back to the floor. She landed steadily on slightly bent legs. Unharmed but disappointed.
"Okay," Barbara sighed. "Maybe flying and talking is a bit much for me just yet."
"You'll get there~!" Kara encouraged happily. "Don't give up, Babs!"
"Wasn't planning on it," Barbara grinned. "No way am I giving up on the chance to fly that easily."
"It is rather nice," Kara giggled before changing the subject slightly, "But now, you still need to tell me about your night."
Barbara groaned, "God, don't remind me. I swear that stupid sexy man is trying to give me kittens. And not in the way I want him to…"
Kara blushed, scandalized, "Barbara! Must you?"
"I must," Barbara answered, nodding solemnly. Shortly after, she broke and chuckled.
Kara could only sigh at her friend, "Your night, Babs? Was it another of Sean's stories?"
"Less of a story and more of a…" Barbara paused, searching for the right words. "Show and tell. Impossible, perspective-altering, reality-challenging show and tell…"
"Huh?" Kara tilted her head like a little golden retriever puppy.
"Flash asked Sean to show off his 'trophies'…" Barbara explained, her voice sounding almost dead.
"Ah? Aaaahhh…" Kara quickly realized why that might be a bit worrying. "Trophies he gathered from different realities and different lives…?"
"Indeed," Barbara nodded stiffly. "Then there was the fact that Talia had shown up beforehand. So I also had to deal with - as Harley called her - Bat Mom as well. With all the teasing that entails. It was… an eventful night."
Kara looked at her with amusement barely hidden on her face, "How is 'Bat Mom'?"
"Well. Too well for my tastes. She was in good form," Barbara deadpanned.
Kara did a poor job of suppressing a giggle, "My condolences. It must have been tough dealing with her and stupid s-sex-…" She blushed and stuttered on the crass word before finally forcing it out, "Sexy!… It must have been tough dealing with both of them at the same time…"
Barbara snorted in humor at her friend's innocence, "You have no idea, Kara. Stupid sexy Sean started his show and tell with his Excalibur collection of all things. And it only got worse from there."
Kara blinked, "Excalibur? Isn't that, like, THE sword? King Arthur's sword or something?"
"Yup," Barbara popped the 'p'. "Sean knew King Arthur too, it seems. Though he said the 'king' was a 'she', interestingly enough. And that he was going by Merlin at the time…"
"Oh…" Kara reacted with soft surprise. "Even I know that name. That's a bit… crazy."
"Oh, so you've met Sean?" Barbara quipped. She sighed, "Yeah, it certainly made the mage's jaw drop."
"Who?" Kara asked.
"Klarion the Witch-Boy," Barbara explained. "He couldn't catch a break last night. I'm pretty sure everything he knew about magic was turned on its head."
"Hmm," Kara hummed with interest. "So Excalibur? And then what else?"
Barbara groaned, "A great and terrible beast in the form of an adorable little rabbit, some spell that was basically just an extinction event in crystal form, a master key to existence, and an honest-to-God Pokemon."
"Oh, Pokemon~?" Kara perked up. "I know that one~!"
"Yeah," Barbara let out a sigh. "He didn't put that one back on the shelf. So if you see a little pink cat flying and teleporting around, you'll know what it is now. Mew was friendly and curious but our reality may just be seeing an invasion of Pokemon if things go poorly…"
Kara giggled, "I don't know if I would call that 'going poorly'. All the Pokemon I know are super cute~!"
Barbara shook her head, "Yeah, but people might start asking questions. Thankfully, my report should hand the responsibility for answering those questions back to Bruce."
"I wonder if I can get a Vulpix," Kara tapped her chin and wondered aloud. "I always thought it was adorable and Ninetales is just beautiful."
"There's a non-zero chance that Sean's actions last night will change everything. Like, completely. Pokemon on Earth… Villains with Pokemon… Shit, I'm going to have to put that in my report. What a pain…" Barbara trailed off.
"Actually, you know what?!" She suddenly stood straight with righteous indignation. "He's going to feel my pain this time! C'mon, Kara. We're going to get Sean and drag him up here to help me fill out this report!"
"If you say so, Babs~" Kara giggled, floating along after Barbara.
Barbara stomped out of the training room like a woman on a mission. Once she was clear, she called out into the otherwise empty hallway, "Two to port!"
The ever-watchful Martian Manhunter 'heard' the call. Kara and Barbara teleported from the Watchtower with two brief flashes of light. In the duty room, Martian Manhunter barely looked up from what he was doing. A line of gummies was meticulously sorted by color and shape on the desk before him. Very 'SPECIAL' gummies…
"Amusing and potentially worrying. I might need to prepare for incoming insanity," He popped two of the gummies into his mouth, paused, and went back for a third, mumbling to himself. "You can never be too careful… Thank the Great Sage Pic'colo for this dank Martian Zaza."
IIIII
"Sean! Prepare to experience empathy, you stupid sexy bastard!"
Giggling, Kara followed her friend as she stormed into the Dead End, "Hello again, Didi. May we borrow Sean for the day?"
Didi treated Kara with a soft, amused smile, "I suppose that's fine. Just have him back before opening time."
Kara looked back over at Barbara. She was currently chasing Sean around the bar as he laughed out loud. His head was thrown back and everything. Barbara seemed to be enjoying the chase too if the small smile on her face was anything to go off of.
"We'll try our best," Kara said, smiling.
"What do you want the old man for?" Someone else asked.
Alice? Was that her name? Ah, yeah, Didi and Sean's adopted daughter. It took Kara a moment to place her but once she remembered, she treated the younger girl with a wide smile.
"Hello again, Alice~! Are you well?"
Alice blushed slightly, overwhelmed by Kara's sheer positive energy, "… 'M fine…"
"That's always wonderful to hear. Barbara wants Sean to 'experience her pain'. She has to fill out a report on a certain someone and wants him to help her with that."
Alice snorted, "Nice. Serves him right for all the trouble he causes her."
Kara continued, "Then after that, I thought I would show Sean around the Watchtower. I'm sure some of my friends would like to meet him. Perhaps even Kal."
"Oh, God, from what you've told me about your cousin, Sean will make him burst a blood vessel…" Alice paused. "I'll pay you 50 bucks to get a video of their meeting."
"Surely, he won't be THAT bad," Kara giggled.
Alice wiggled her eyebrows, "Wanna bet~?"
Didi watched them with amusement plainly written on her face. That and the daring expression on Alice's face gave Kara a moment of pause.
"… No. No, I don't think I do," She said slowly.
Didi chuckled, "That's probably a good idea, Kara. I love Sean but he won't be able to resist poking Kal-El."
Kara's face flushed, "Kal is going to embarrass me, isn't he…?"
"It's very possible."
"Maybe I should put off introducing Sean to Kal until Ma can be there to moderate him," Kara considered.
"Either way, I feel the need to wish you luck, Kara," Didi's grin reached her eyes, practically twinkling.
"You're going to need it," Alice added in a deadpan.
Before Kara could put words to her worries at their warning, Barbara's voice cut into the conversation, "I've got him, Kara! Let's go!"
Turning, Kara saw that Barbara now had Sean slung over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He'd obviously let himself be caught. The amused expression on his face and the way he propped himself with his hands on his chin and his elbows on thin air said that much clearly enough.
"Oh, no. I've been caught," Sean said, his tone utterly flat and unconcerned. "Whatever shall I do? How wicked. How cruel. It seems God truly has abandoned me."
"You shut up back there!" Barbara growled, even though her lips were twitching with amusement of her own.
She punctuated her growl with a smack aimed at Sean's butt. His butt! And though he didn't flinch at all, Kara couldn't help but gape and flush on his behalf.
"O-Oh my… !"
But again, Sean barely reacted, his tone almost casually dead, "Oh, how depraved. Truly, I am caught in the clutches of a villainous woman. A true degenerate, I say."
"I don't need that from you, Stupid Sexy Sean!" Barbara snapped right back.
Sean ignored her, "Keep an eye out for my obituary, Didi dear. I imagine this deviless will leave me a broken man. Alice… You must avenge me. Avenge me, my child…"
Alice snorted, "Fat chance, old man."
"A deviless and an unfaithful child. Woe is truly me," Sean shook his head 'sadly'.
Barbara rolled her eyes, "Oh, shut up. I hope those pretty fingers of yours are ready, Sean. I'm finally going to put that stupid sexy mind of yours to work."
"You shall not tempt me, woman. My purity shall stand ever-strong against your seductions."
He said it so proudly, so righteously that Kara almost started cheering for him. Then she remembered the rest of the situation and that Sean's 'purity' wasn't actually in danger. With yet another blush, she aborted her round of clapping before she could embarrass herself.
"Not that kind of work, idiot!" Barbara physically shook Sean on her shoulder. A blush started to creep onto her cheeks as well. "Writing a report! I'm going to put you to work writing a report! Your nonexistent 'purity' isn't in danger! Yet…"
She trailed off at the end there, saying the last word so quietly that Kara was sure only her Kryptonian ears caught it. Or maybe not, considering the way Sean suddenly smirked.
He tutted lightly, "Shame."
"Ugh," Barbara groaned. "C'mon, Kara. Let's go before I reconsider…"
Kara found she couldn't nod fast enough, "O-Okay! Bye, Didi~! Bye, Alice~! We'll bring him back in one piece~!"
"Take your time," Alice drawled.
Sean got in one last quip, "Don't worry. They will~"
Barbara sighed as she carried him out the door, "God dammit, Sean…"
Kara followed them, catching up just in time for Barbara to call out for another teleport, this time for three. In more flashes of light, they disappeared from Gotham and appeared on the Watchtower. No one was in the port room but Barbara and Kara still moved quickly out of the way out of force of habit.
"You know," Sean said, intensely amused. "You can let me down now."
"That sounds like a terrible idea," Barbara grumbled. "You're likely to run off and get into God knows what trouble. No, you're going to share in my pain first. We're writing the report on last night. And you get to transcribe while I dictate. Good for you."
Sean laughed, seeming more than willing to accept his current predicament. Kara didn't doubt that he was completely capable of getting free if he wanted to. But he was content to let Barbara carry him while he pushed her buttons. It was enough to make Kara suppress a giggle.
"You seem to be doing well enough, Babs," Sean observed plainly. "You're handling me quite… handily. Finally exploring your new fitness?"
"Physically? I'm better than ever. Mentally?" Barbara scoffed. "You consistently have my mind in tatters, Sean."
Sean nodded matter-of-factly, "Then I'm doing my job perfectly."
"That job wouldn't happen to be driving me utterly insane, would it?" Barbara snarked.
"It mainly applies to all of you heroes. Almost all of you need to lighten up some. Annoying you in particular is just a pleasant side benefit," Sean said.
"Pleasant, my ass," Barbara grumbled.
Kara lost her fight against giggles, making Sean turn to her, "Nice to see you again, Kara. Have you been sucked into this villainous woman's schemes as well?" He tutted and shook his head, "What a shame. I expected better from a paragon of sweetness like you."
For some reason, Kara felt almost ashamed at his words. Then she realized he was teasing her and she pouted, "Hey~! I can be mischievous too!"
Sean smirked at her, "Truly? I think I'd pay to see that."
"Don't write me off, Sean!" Kara stomped her foot on thin air, belatedly realizing she was still flying with a slight blush. "I'll show you how naughty I can be!"
"Oh? And how will you do that~?" For some reason, Sean's smirk widened.
"I'll-… I'll take you to your limit with my naughtiness! Yeah~! You'll be begging me to stop!" Kara insisted.
Why was he laughing at that? Was it something she said? Barbara?! Don't groan! Not you too! Make sense, dangit! What'd she say?!
"You think you're up for the task~?" Sean asked. "Even Harley couldn't make me yield, you know~?"
Kara turned up her nose proudly, "Well, I'll just have to do it better than her. You'll see. I'll have you panting to keep up with me! And you'll never see it coming!"
"Oh, yeah?" Sean asked between chuckles. "You'll make me really work for it~? Leave me frustrated and aching to catch up to you~? Tease me until I have no choice but to chase you down and pounce~? Maybe ride me to my absolute limits~?"
"Exactly~!" Kara didn't know what all of that meant but it sounded right to her!
"Sean, stop teasing Kara. She doesn't understand any of the things you're implying," Barbara smirked.
Kara blinked. Smirked? Implying? Sean was teasing her? Huh?
"So she's exactly as uncorrupted as she seems?" Sean asked with a laugh.
Barbara chuckled, "Probably more."
"Oh, we're going to have so much fun with her…"
Heyyyy~… Now, they were both teasing her! That wasn't very nice! Kara didn't get whatever was so funny. Some inside joke or something? Either way, Kara didn't like being left out!
"Guuuuyyyyys~…" She whined. "Cut it out~!"
It took a moment but their laughter died down and Sean apologized, "Sorry, Kara. We weren't trying to be mean. You're just so much fun to tease."
Barbara grinned, "Yeah, Farm-Girl, so easy to wind up. So gullible and pure."
"I'm not that pure…" Kara pouted. "I've seen plenty of things during my time as a hero!"
"Not this type of thing, it seems," Sean chuckled.
"Then tell me what's so funny!"
"Hmm… No, I don't think I will."
"Sean~… !"
Kara was still pouting and totally not whining when the three of them arrived at the little workspace Barbara kept on the Watchtower. Sean still wouldn't budge for her. He was still teasing her with something. Kara didn't know what it was but she would find out!
Barbara shook her head at the two of them in amusement, finally setting Sean down, "Alright, you two. Work first, teasing later."
"No! No teasing later!" Kara cried.
Unfortunately, her cries fell on deaf ears. Kara was left to pout as Sean and Barbara got to work. Even then, Sean teased Kara in ways she didn't understand whenever he had the chance. Dang meanies… Kara would have her revenge!
She'd show them pure… Pure, uh… Pure naughty! Yeah~! They didn't have a clue how mischievous Kara could be~! Yes… Kara would show them mischief and teasing…
But how to do it…? Oh~! She'd take inspiration from those Earthling prankster movies! Perfect. Now… what would Ferris Beuller do?
Whoopee cushion? Hand in warm water? Something with an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine? Hmm, not quite right yet… Aha! A panty raid! She'd steal Sean's u-undies and make him go without in embarrassment! As a prank, of course…
It was brilliant! There was no way it could backfire in a potentially l-lewd and hilarious fashion! As Sean and Barbara worked on the report, Kara plotted. And if a few maniacal giggles leaked out of her for the other two to notice… well, that definitely didn't mean anything! They were clueless~!
The work didn't end up taking very long at all. Or maybe Kara was just distracted for some reason. Either way, Barbara was sighing in relief at a job well done soon enough.
"That's that. It went better than I expected it would," Barbara said. "Thankfully, you were familiar with filling out reports like this, Sean."
He chuckled, "You never escape paperwork. It's been a constant in every life I've lived. Like gravity."
"Or death and taxes?" Barbara added with amusement.
"Of course," Sean nodded. "I wouldn't be here otherwise. Even if she takes on different forms, Didi is everywhere in existence."
Barbara paused and then sighed, "Putting that tidbit of Eldritch knowledge aside… I should get to turning this in. Bruce is going to want me to do it in person too… Kara? Do you mind watching Sean? Maybe showing him around the Watchtower to keep him busy?"
Kara was pulled from her plotting by the request, "Huh? Oh! Yeah, sure! I don't mind. I never get to give the tour. It'll be fun~!"
"Good, I shouldn't be too long. I'll catch up with you two when I'm done," Barbara nodded.
Standing and walking out of Barbara's little workspace, they went in different directions. Kara absently floated along beside Sean. Sean easily followed along with his hands in his pockets, content to let Kara take the lead.
"Hmm, what should I show you first?" Kara wondered aloud. "Do you normally save the best for first or for last?"
"Usually, for last," Sean replied, amused. "But I'm open to switching up the order of things if you are."
"Great~!" Kara chimed cheerfully. "Then come on~! I want to show you my favorite place on the station~!"
She bolted ahead in her excitement before realizing that she was flying much too fast for Sean to follow. She almost paused and went back to where she'd left him. Only to see he was easily keeping pace with her, walking 'normally' at her side. He didn't even seem phased by their sudden speed.
"… How are you doing that?" Kara asked curiously.
Sean chuckled and explained, "I'm used to keeping up with excitable girls. Ruby, in particular, had a bad habit of running off without thinking. And don't even get me started on Naruko."
"Oh," Kara paused. "Neat~! Can I go as fast as I want?"
"Why don't you find out for yourself?" Sean grinned.
What followed was the immediate breaking of several station rules and regulations. Kara zipped through the halls of the Watchtower. Sean followed along beside her, casually walking at a blistering pace.
Kara whooped as she flew, "Wooo~! This is great~! Not many people can keep up with me~!"
"I can see why," Sean chuckled. "I think you nearly broke the sound barrier going down a 100-foot hallway. Thank God for Kryptonian reaction times, huh?"
Kara blushed and giggled, "I may be getting a bit carried away."
"No, you're having fun. That's important. The other things can come later," Sean reassured.
Kara found herself smiling brightly and agreeing with him, "Yeah~!"
She flew up one of the vertical shafts that ran alongside the station's elevators. They were something of a necessity when many of your group's members could fly wherever they wanted. Once you got used to flight, it was very hard to go back to standing in a slow elevator, Kara had found.
Zooming up the shaft, Kara looked to her side to see if Sean was still keeping up with her. He was. She giggled as she saw how.
Sean grinned, "What is it? Do I have something on my face?"
Kara grinned right back, "No, silly~! You're walking up the wall~!"
Sean made a show of looking at his feet, "… So I am. How curious."
Kara lost it as she slowed to a float at the top of the shaft. As she left through the access point at the top, Sean went back right side up as if nothing had happened. There was no sign of his impossible walking or how he'd kept pace with her. Just a slight, amused smile on his face as they reached the destination Kara was leading them to.
Thoroughly enjoying herself, Kara slowly regained control of her laughter. She floated forward with Sean still walking beside her. He looked around as they did, taking in the place Kara had taken him. With a silly smile on her face, Kara finally floated to a stop.
She sighed fondly, "I love this place."
"It's quite nice," Sean agreed.
Taking Sean's advice, Kara had saved the best for first. She'd taken them to the Watchtower's observatory deck - her favorite place on the station. It was a dome at the top of the Watchtower, small only in relative terms.
The glass of the dome wasn't actually glass. But Kara didn't know exactly what it was. She didn't particularly care, considering the view offered on the other side. All around them, the universe was laid bare to their eyes.
Great clouds of gas and dust, laid out like a stairway to the heavens. The Milky Way sprawled out before them. Millions, billions of stars. Little points of light that did nothing to betray the sheer scope they represented.
Kara knew there were whole galaxies hidden in those stars. Uncountable planets and the life that inhabited them. Civilizations whose stories would never be told and histories that were lost to the sheer distance. It was humbling. It was awe-inspiring. Nothing else came close in Kara's mind.
The only thing missing from the scene was the Earth. The planet Kara had come to call home. The orientation and orbit of the Watchtower prevented its inclusion - a necessity for the station's sensors to keep a constant, watchful eye over Earth. But it still offered them such a spectacular view of what lay beyond.
"I must have seen it a hundred times now. It still never gets old," Kara said quietly, reverently.
"It never does, in my experience. The first or the thousandth, there's always something new to enjoy in this view. Especially when you stop to think about just what you're looking at," Sean replied. Kara could hear the slight smile in his voice.
"Have you… Have you ever been to another galaxy?" Kara asked.
"A few times," Sean chuckled. "Some of those lives even started from Earth. The scene changes but it's still just as spectacular. Just… from a different angle."
Kara considered his words with a near-silent hum, "Hmm…"
Something about them resonated with her. She couldn't see the sky she was born under anymore. It wasn't even there anymore. But she could still see that same sky from a different angle.
She didn't lament the loss of Krypton much these days. But whenever the universe was laid out in front of her, Kara couldn't help but feel… nostalgic. Sean's wisdom was a nice perspective to add to her own. This wasn't the loss of her childhood sky. Just a shift in direction.
Finally, Kara spoke softly, "I like that."
She shook off the slightly solemn, introspective mood that had overtaken her, perking back up to her usual self, "Okay~! Next stop on the tour~! I'm thinking… training rooms~!"
Sean treated her with a soft, knowing smile but thankfully, didn't say anything, "After you, Kara."
She grinned, whooped, and took off at speed again. Somewhere in the station, alarms went off all over again. Martian Manhunter was currently - quote - 'way too high to deal with that shit'. And so it fell to a certain model boy scout Farm-Boy to investigate why his cousin was suddenly tearing things up in the halls.
Kal-El Kent was treated to a curious sight when he checked the station's camera feeds. Kara was smiling. That was normal, at least. The curious part was the man walking beside her as she flew at Yellow-Sun Kryptonian speeds. A man Kal recognized from a certain report on a certain bar in Gotham.
'Ah… ' He thought. 'I think it's about time I meet Mr. Barkeep for myself. And perhaps ask… politely… what his intentions are with Kara. Of course, the real question is whether or not I have enough time to ask Pa if I can borrow his shotgun…"
Chapter 26
Kara was having the time of her life. She knew she was being slightly naughty at the moment. Breaking the Watchtower's rules and all that. But there was something about flying around the station's halls that had her tingling with excitement and giddy giggles.
When was the last time she was able to simply throw caution to the wind? Especially when flying with someone who didn't share her species' gifts. Kal wasn't nearly this fun. He was always so serious. He definitely wouldn't approve of her fooling around like this.
Perhaps the last time Kara could remember flying like this with someone else was with her extra-dimensional twin. But she hadn't seen 'Powergirl' - who now went by Paige - in a while. Paige had taken a step back from the typical hero business of their family. Last Kara had checked, she was using her unlocked psionic potential to help other heroes as a counselor.
It was slightly unfortunate in Kara's mind. She quite liked her 'twin'. They were the same person, after all. They'd become about as close as dimensionally identical copies could be during the time they were both working for the Justice League. But Kara was also happy Paige was coming into her own in her new life on this Earth.
The point was Kara rarely had the chance to fly with someone like this. Sean wasn't actually flying at the moment, but Kara didn't doubt he could if he wanted to. At some point, she'd have to convince him to take to the actual skies with her. But for now, she was content with him just keeping up with her.
He didn't seem to have any trouble at all doing that. No matter how fast Kara flew, Sean walked at a steady pace at her side. Down a corridor fast enough to blow open the automatic doors of the station. Sean just smiled and walked. Around a corner sharp enough to break a baseline human's neck. Sean didn't deviate at all. Even straight vertical along the station's flight access shafts, Sean looked like he was taking a casual stroll in the park.
A wide grin had overtaken Kara's face. They circled the sizable station's decks at speed, not slowing for anything. More than once, Kara blasted past some hero or another. Their reactions didn't fail to make Kara laugh out loud, a sound that was stolen by the wind of her flight.
A very visibly confused Aquaman paused in his personalized aquarium to watch them blur past. Plastic Man stretched himself into a kite that briefly caught the wind of Kara's flight and sent him tumbling through a hallway. His Dopplering, good-natured scream made Kara giggle. She zipped around The Question - who stood still in the middle of a hallway, seemingly lost in thought.
He jolted at the disturbance and Kara heard his quietly stunned exclamation as she turned the next corner, "What… the… fuck…?"
"Language!" Kara called back to him.
Sean chuckled, amused, "I think he was entirely justified in swearing just now. We are kind of turning the station on its head."
"Swearing isn't nice…" Kara pouted.
"From his perspective, neither is blasting down a public hallway at 100 miles per hour," Sean pointed out.
Kara blushed slightly and looked away from him, "Ah… I've gotten carried away again."
"So long as you're having fun, I don't think that's all that much of an issue," Sean reassured.
"Still… I was supposed to be giving you the tour. You probably haven't seen very much at the speed I'm flying," Kara said sheepishly.
"No, not really," Sean chuckled. "So, the training rooms?"
"They should be around here somewhere. I've gotten kind of turned around with how many laps we've done," Kara giggled.
She slowed to get her bearings. Soon enough, they were back on the right track. Still, Kara couldn't resist flying a little faster than she normally would have.
"I'm going to be in so much trouble~" Despite that, Kara couldn't keep the smile off her face.
Sean just smirked at her, "Most likely, yes. I very much doubt Batman or your cousin will be all too happy with our little stroll."
Kara thought for a moment then shook her head, "Oh, well."
Sean laughed, "That's the spirit! Girls deserve to have fun, even Kryptonian ones."
"You should tell Kal that," Kara's nose crinkled slightly. "It's all duty and being a paragon with him. Don't get me wrong, I like saving and helping people. But I want my own life too. And even when it's not 'boy scout hours', he thinks Western movies are the peak of cinema culture.
"I mean, the Spaghetti Westerns he's shown me are good but I can't STAND the American ones. How is it possible that Americans are the WORST ones at making Western movies?! It doesn't make sense!"
Sean nodded sagely, "It's truly one of life's greatest mysteries."
"Even in other lives?"
"Oh, yes. It's something I've noticed constantly."
"So the constants of life include: Death and taxes - the two famous ones -, paperwork - as you told Barbara earlier, and now, Spaghetti Westerns always being better than American ones?" Kara asked with a grin.
"That sounds about right," Sean considered seriously. "I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting right now. We'll update your list as they come up."
Kara finally couldn't contain her giggles anymore, "That's silly. You're silly."
"I'd take slightly silly over too serious any day," The way Sean said it made Kara think he was declaring a solemn vow.
Kara matched his demeanor, holding her head high, "I happen to agree."
Her faux-serious act didn't last very long before she was giggling again. She finally slowed to a stop as she laughed. Sean matched her pace as he had been during their entire 'stroll'. Kara floated in front of a door she had always thought was much larger than it needed to be.
Letting out a fond sigh, she turned to continue Sean's tour of the Watchtower, "Here we are. The training rooms. Wanna see inside?"
Sean shrugged, "Why not? Let's see what the Justice League is working with."
"It's pretty impressive in most ways," Kara nodded before suddenly freezing in place. "… Uh oh."
"Uh oh?" Sean raised an eyebrow at her. "What's wrong?"
"I can hear Kal's footsteps. His stride is really recognizable," Kara explained. "And he's actually walking instead of flying so he must be kinda mad…"
Sean shot her an amused smirk, "I wonder why."
Kara wrung her hands a bit nervously, "Do you think it's about our little flight around the station…?"
"It's certainly a possibility."
"Oh, pooh… I didn't want to introduce you to him yet anyway…"
Kara thought for a moment before deciding on a course of action, "Quick, follow me!"
She darted into the hall that contained the training rooms with Sean hot on her heels. Looking around, she zeroed in on the female locker rooms. She nodded to herself, grabbed Sean's hand, and physically dragged him that way.
Sean went along without complaint but an amused smirk stayed glued onto his face, "Isn't hiding kind of useless? You know, considering Kryptonian X-ray vision and all that?"
Kara shook her head, replying distractedly, "Not on the Watchtower. I think Batman had all the walls lined with lead or something."
"That sounds exactly like something he would do," Sean chuckled.
"In here!" Kara called unnecessarily. She was still pulling Sean along behind her, after all. Before she could fully think her course of action through, she zipped through the locker room and stuffed herself and Sean into one of the lockers.
"Are these lined with lead as well?" Sean asked.
"Yes, but they aren't completely soundproof! So we have to stay very, very quiet!" Kara hissed.
She knew Kal had already heard them. He must have if she could hear him too. But she hadn't said 'where' they were hiding. Hopefully, he didn't hear any of their words at all. There was no real reason he should be focusing on his super hearing at the moment. In all likelihood, he heard them but he didn't 'hear' them.
That didn't stop Kara from fretting and worrying in the cramped little space she found herself in. As opposed to her cousin, she now had a good reason to be focusing on her hearing. And she could hear Kal's footsteps - that recognizably perfect walk he had - stop before the door that led to the training rooms.
She heard him hum but not say anything meaningful, "Hmm?"
The grand door opened and those perfect steps resumed. Thankfully, they didn't head toward the ladies' locker rooms. Kal was much too upstanding to consider intruding on a lady's privacy like that. Kara sighed a quiet sigh of relief as he began to check all of the training rooms instead.
"Ah, Diana? Apologies for the interruption. Have you seen Kara?" Superman asked, fading into the background as Kara realized the rest of the situation she'd put herself in.
It started with that sigh of relief. Then Kara realized how tight the space in the locker was. Why, she could barely move an inch. And something… no, someone was pressing very close against her.
Kara suddenly lost focus on her super hearing. It came to her attention that she was staring intensely into Sean's eyes. Oh… O-Oh my… They were gray. Rich and deep and so very gray… Amusement danced within their depths like lightning in a thundercloud.
Slowly, she looked down at the space between them. Or perhaps that should be the 'lack' of space between them. Because as far as Kara could see, there was none.
She was pressed right up against Sean's body. Her chest against his. His hands had found their way onto her hips at some point. A leg had slid between hers to spread them in a way that made Kara's heart skip for reasons she couldn't discern. His breath, lips almost grazing hers, made her shiver and tingle as if she was suddenly very cold and very warm at the same time.
"So…" Sean smirked. "You come here often~?"
Kara could only say one thing, "… Meep~!"
She tried again, "… Meep?"
How strange. Her mouth didn't seem to be mouthing. Her words weren't doing the usual thing they did with the words and all that. And her brain… Well, her brain might as well have been silly putty at this point.
Kara's face must have been as red as Krypton's Sun. She never knew another person could feel so warm. She never knew her heart could beat so fast or that her tongue could get this twisted and tied. And why, oh, why was her special place getting w-wet too?!
"I must say, I didn't think you had this in you, Kara," Sean said.
"Meep…?" Kara 'replied'.
"Well, this is slightly typical, isn't it? Almost cliche… A classic really."
"Meep!"
"No, no, I love it for you. Really. Ambition suits you. Why, I don't think even Barbara could bring herself to be this forward just yet."
"M-Meep…"
"Oh? Not on purpose, you say? I find that a bit hard to believe."
"Meep meep!"
"Well, if you insist, I suppose it must be true. I'll take you at your word, Kara. It's almost a shame. I was enjoying the forwardness on display here."
"M-Meep…?"
Kara didn't have a clue how she - how THEY - had ended up in this situation. So close to each other in such a small space… Having a conversation with only one of them able to speak… Sharing breath and heartbeats…
She hadn't meant to do this when she shoved them into the locker! Honest! She just didn't want Kal to meet Sean yet! She wasn't ready! At the same time… her heart wasn't ready for this either!
In the back of her mind, she noted that she heard Kal leave the training rooms. He apparently thought he'd just missed them and went to continue his search elsewhere. But Kara couldn't bring herself to do anything with that information. She didn't even know if she wanted to…
She was struck frozen by Sean's proximity, by the intense closeness they shared. Something about it made her EVERYTHING flutter. Her stomach was doing little flips. Something in her mind seemed to be cheering at the top of its metaphorical lungs. Even her s-special place was pulsing with an excitement that Kara couldn't explain.
What… was this feeling? And what was it pushing her to do…? Something inside her seemed to know instinctively. But that part of Kara wasn't sharing its knowledge with the rest of her. So she was left to gape like a fish out of water, almost completely speechless and unsure what came next.
Sean's hands squeezed lightly (Oh gosh his hands were still on her hips~!!) and he said softly, "You okay, Kara? Too much, too quickly?"
Kara nodded so fast she almost headbutted his nose, "Meep!"
"Alright, I bet we can get out of here now," Sean chuckled. "Your cousin has probably moved on by now and maybe that will restart your speech center."
Kara breathed a sigh. One of relief and… disappointment…? Why was she disappointed? Sure, this closeness was nice but it was also SO INTENSE~! She didn't know if she could take it just yet. Just yet…? Why did she think of it like that?
Kara shook her head to help clear her thoughts. This whole situation was strange. And confusing. And exciting! But she honestly didn't know up from down at the moment. This required… research.
The 'research material' Barbara had provided her hadn't been what Kara expected. She expected something educational. It'd certainly been that. Just… not in the clinical way Kara anticipated.
No, instead, Barbara had sent her stories. L-Lewd stories. They'd made Kara's blood run hot and something inside her flutter and pulse. Just like being so close to Sean did, now that Kara thought about it. How strange… Were the feelings related somehow?
Thoughts for later, Kara decided. She nodded, "Meep."
Thankfully, just as he had so far, Sean seemed to understand her poorly articulated points. It was all Kara was currently capable of. As utterly mortifying as 'meep' was, she couldn't get her tied tongue to say anything else to stupid sexy Sean.
Though on another note, Kara could certainly understand why Barbara seemed to love calling him that now. Especially when his smirk quirked crooked like that. Oh my…
"Then shall we?" Sean asked, shifting somehow even closer to Kara. "Get out of here, I mean."
"Me-…" Finally, Kara managed to find her voice. "A-Ahem, w-we should…"
"There, there, Kara," Sean consoled. "I'm sure we'll find ourselves in another situation like this soon enough~"
The promise of that statement left Kara breathless for some reason, "O-Oh…?"
Before Sean could say anything more, anything with that stupid sexy smirk of his… Kara shook her head to clear it again, "Ahem, never mind~!"
She turned in place, only to freeze again. Something… was pressing up against her butt now. Kara thought that was just part of Sean's leg! Now, she wasn't so sure. Curiously, she couldn't stop herself from rubbing back against it slightly, her prior intention of getting out of the locker lost momentarily.
"Kara?" Sean asked, sounding quite amused. "Weren't we supposed to be getting out of here?"
"Just… Just a moment, please," Kara's request came out oddly breathless and distracted. "O-Oh my~…"
She didn't know exactly what was currently poking her. But she had a creeping, tingling suspicion. One that made her heart skip a few good beats as she thought about it. It was so hard. So hot. But… did they really get this big…?
Just then, the door to the locker swung open. Light suddenly shined on their precarious situation. Kara stopped dead. She slowly looked up, dreading who she would find looking back at her. Good news. It wasn't her cousin. Bad news. It was the woman whom she looked up to like a big sister, staring with a fond smirk at the situation she'd caught Kara in.
Spoiler: Diana
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"D-Diana…" Kara choked out robotically. "What a pleasant surprise. I didn't think I would find you here. Actually, what are you doing here?"
Amusement was thick as syrup in Diana's voice and just as sweet, "You're in my locker, Kara."
"Oh…" Kara didn't have anything to say to that, trailing off.
"Yes, 'oh'. Hiding from Kal?" Diana asked, her smirk widening.
"Yes…?"
"And will you introduce me to your hiding companion here?"
"Yes…?"
"Excellent. Let me just freshen up. I won't be a moment. And it'll let the two of you do the same."
"Wait, don't-!"
That was all Kara managed to get out before Diana - Wonder Woman - shut the door to the locker in her face and left her younger friend to stew in her embarrassment. She was left inside the locker with a VERY amused Sean while she listened to Diana muffle chuckles of her own on the other side of the door. And Kara… pouted.
IIIII
"Hmph~!"
Kara was looking everywhere but at us. A wicked blush obscured her features with cherry red. An appropriate color, considering her innocence.
Wonder Woman - Diana - hadn't taken long to 'freshen up'. Really, I had to think she was just using that as an excuse to get her amusement under control. It was still practically pouring off of her from the situation she'd found me and Kara in.
I had a certain amount of amusement of my own to deal with. Kara was, simply put, adorable. There could be no arguing that fact. Her innocence plus her curiosity plus the naughty streak I'd seemingly inspired in her added up to absolute adorability.
The fact that she didn't want me to meet her cousin just yet made perfect sense. As did her not wanting to answer for our little 'stroll' through the Watchtower. But the method she'd chosen to avoid those consequences left much to be desired. It did put us in a very interesting situation though.
I couldn't have arranged it better if I was trying. Honestly, first the classic Ecchi scenario of being locked in a locker with someone. Then all of the embarrassment and potential happenings that came with that scenario. And now, the locker just so happened to belong to Kara's friend and mentor figure in Diana.
It was a perfect storm of embarrassment for Kara. And that showed best in how she was still blushing and pouting at both of us. I did take a bit of pity on her though. I managed to push my erection out of my mind. So at least Diana wasn't treated to the sight of me stepping out from behind Kara with an extremely noticeable bulge in my pants.
I'd quite enjoyed our time in the locker together. Again, Kara was so innocent that I doubted she could have done all of this on purpose. Her reactions in the locker confirmed that even further. But even without meaning to, she was all but begging to be seduced like this.
I hadn't wasted the opportunity to start doing just that. I liked Kara. She was sweet and wholesome. Beautiful and adorable at the same time. And so, so much fun to tease.
Locked so close against me, a little teasing went a long way. Just a bit of strategic physical contact - more than 'merely' being pressed up against each other so closely that we shared breath -, a few teasing words, and the hint of something beyond her usual innocence was enough to have her melt into a flustered Farm-Girl puddle.
Oh, I was going to have so much fun with her. It'd been a while since I had the chance to properly 'corrupt' someone. Well… not really. Innocence was - perhaps unsurprisingly - a common encounter in my disparate lives. It was the starting state of human life, after all, and the sheltered types seemed to fall quite nicely into my strike zone.
Why, even in just my last life, I remembered showing the princess how much fun being naughty and bucking her father's authority could be. But it had been a while since I met someone as wholesomely innocent as Kara. She was almost supernaturally so, likely something to do with the developments of Kryptonian society before their collapse.
Or maybe she was just that type of girl. That was rarer but still happened often enough. I'd thought it earlier, but Kara kind of reminded me of Ruby Rose. She was an utter cinnamon roll with a heroic streak who acted quicker than she thought and who wouldn't know kinkiness if it bit her on the ass. She even had the whole 'overprotective older sibling' figure and 'super speed' powers like Ruby did.
The real key with girls like Ruby and Kara was 'corrupting' them without ruining what made them so special and lovable. Their 'cinnamon-roll-ness' was an important part of their personalities. You couldn't just expose them to lewdness and leave it at that. They required a… delicate touch.
Diana shared a look with me. Laughter absolutely danced in her eyes. I'm sure the look I sent back to her was much the same. Kara's embarrassment was adorable, her pout was charming, and it seemed neither of us could resist teasing our shared friend.
"So…" Diana started. "Just how did you both end up in the locker?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time…" Kara grumbled.
"Yes, I'm sure your options were appropriately limited. It's not like you were hiding from Kal and so even just being in the ladies' locker room would have done it," Diana sassed subtly.
Kara pouted even more, "… I wanted to be sure."
"Well, I'm certainly not complaining about the results," I smirked.
"W-What results?!" Kara suddenly squeaked, her eyes snapping to stare at me.
"We didn't get caught by your cousin," I answered 'innocently'.
"Ah… Yeah, those results…" Kara looked away again.
Eyes twinkling, Diana looked like she was barely restraining herself from laughing out loud, "I cannot deny that your solution seems to have been effective, Kara."
"E-Exactly~!" Kara eagerly took that as an excuse and ran with it. "So there's nothing more to say on the topic!"
"I wouldn't go that far," Diana said. "It was effective this time but I very much doubt it would have worked against anyone but Kal."
Kara winced, "W-Well, it's not like I hide from people all that often…"
"That is true," Diana allowed. "Perhaps you need more practice. As well as more practice avoiding distractions while hiding. Perhaps your companion would be willing to help with that?"
"I could certainly be persuaded to 'distract' Kara again in the future," I agreed.
Kara pouted, "No distractions… They're distracting."
"That is the point of them," Diana pointed out with audible amusement.
"Think of it as hero training," I suggested.
Kara glared at me. It was about as effective as a glare from a puppy, "You're just trying to get me in the locker with you again, Sean. You just want to make my heart go 'doki doki' again."
I smirked, "Perhaps. I found the experience very enjoyable. Didn't you?"
Kara looked away yet again, "… I don't have to answer that."
Diana finally lost it at her friend 'pleading the fifth', chortling softly, "Oh, Kara, you are entirely unprepared for an opponent of your new companion's level."
Somehow, Kara managed to pout even harder, "It's not fair, Diana. Sean's picking on me. I don't know how but I know he is. He made me feel all funny and warm and tingly and I don't even know how to turn the tables on him~!"
Diana smirked in amusement, "Shall I take you under my wing then, Little Kryptonian?"
"Please~?" Kara turned on the puppy-dog eyes in an instant.
"Any objections?" Diana asked, turning to me.
I chuckled, "It'd be more fun if you didn't. Let her learn to swim in this strange new pond on her own. I promise not to lead her too far astray~"
Diana grinned, "Very well. Apologies, Kara. It seems as if you'll be on your own. I suspect you're in good hands though."
"The best hands," I said, matching her grin.
"Diiii~annaaaa~" Kara whined. "So unfair~ Barbara won't help me either. She just gave me 'research material' that makes me all hot and bothered and confused…"
I blinked at that. Had Barbara been scheming? Trying to introduce the Farm Girl to lewdness as a contingency plan for when she finally makes her move? Or perhaps… backup? Naughty, naughty Bat. Amusement sparked inside my mind. I'd have to think of a way to make good use of this new information.
Diana simply nodded, "Then study hard, my friend. You will need it."
"Oh, pooh…"
Viscerally amused by our still-pouting friend, Diana and I shared another look, "You know, I don't think we've been officially introduced."
Diana nodded, "Very true, though your legend proceeds you, Mr. Barkeep."
"As does yours. Legends do tend to do that."
"Quite often in my experience."
"The same in mine."
Just that little exchange seemed to get something across to Diana. A familiar wisdom. A few shared experiences. Perhaps a perspective that most others would lack.
Diana Prince was no mere woman. She was Wonder Woman. Perhaps THE most famous woman on this Earth. And due to her cultural background, the recognition that name brought didn't mean the same thing as it would to the other heroes of the Justice League.
She was an Amazon. When she said my legend proceeded me, she didn't mean it as 'fame' or 'infamy'. No, she meant legend quite literally, a font of myth and character. She was a being born of legend herself. And she recognized the weight our stories could carry.
"Sean Caine," I greeted, extending a hand toward her.
"Diana Prince," She returned the gesture.
Our hands clasped. Daughter of Zeus and Consort of Death. The universe watched with interest. And yet, despite the gravity of the moment, nothing seemed to happen. Only Diana and I felt the small clash and twist of legends colliding.
Drawing back, I smiled, "It's nice to finally be meeting the other members of the Justice League. I was starting to think the Bat was trying to keep me to himself."
Diana let amusement show on her face, "I don't believe he would do that. He seems to be slightly conflicted about your presence in his city. Intrigued, vexed, and resigned in equal measure."
"I tend to do that to people," I chuckled. "I'm aware I can be a contentious person. And all of the - as Barbara calls it - 'Eldritch knowledge' I bring to his attention probably doesn't help."
"Hmm, I don't know about 'contentious'. I've found you to be quite pleasant," Diana hummed.
She smiled, "And I must thank you for what you did for Cheetah. I don't know if I will ever be able to call her a friend again but knowing she is doing better is enough for me."
I waved, "That was nothing. And if you still want to rekindle your friendship, might I suggest using my bar as a place to peacefully meet with her?"
"I'll keep that in mind," Diana said, considering my words. "Perhaps something like that will happen in the future. I'm unsure if Barbara would even speak to me…"
"I could act as a go-between for the two of you," I offered.
"That…" She nodded slowly. "Though I am still slightly hesitant, I believe that would work out for the best."
I nodded, "We'll work something out then. At your pace. I know how difficult it can be to reconnect relationships that have grown strained. But whenever you two need it, you can count on the Dead End to act as neutral ground."
Diana treated me to a small smile, "You have my thanks, Sean Caine. This debt shall not be forgotten."
I didn't say anything to dispute the 'debt' Diana felt she owed me. She was the kind of person that took that kind of thing very seriously. Dismissing it outright would have been seen as a grave insult.
It was much simpler to simply accept the debt, use it for something slightly more than it was worth, put myself in debt to Diana, and start an amusing cycle of debt and fulfillment. That strategy always led to the most interesting relationships with people like Diana.
"Consider it done," I nodded. "I'll pass the message along to Cheetah. She hasn't shown back up yet but I don't think it will be long. That reminds me. I still need to see about contacting the god responsible for her curse…"
"Urzkartaga," Diana growled slightly. "That deplorable god-creature. Why do you need to contact him…?"
I shrugged, "I happen to think he's interesting. And likely misunderstood. Tell me, was he ever hostile to either you or Cheetah? Was he even the original reason for the wedge driven between you two?"
"Ye-…" Diana trailed off, considering the matter more closely. "… I suppose he wasn't. Or he was the direct reason for the difficulties in our friendship but not the true reason. That falls to Veronica Cale and Godwatch."
"Exactly," I said. "As far as I could tell from the curse, he never meant harm with his actions."
"Then why did he curse my friend?" Diana asked, visibly frustrated.
"He wanted a wife. It's in his nature as a potent male spirit," I explained. "I believe him to be selfish, yes, but not ultimately malicious. Just acting according to his nature. I'm sure you know how gods can fall into the same thing over and over throughout the ages due to the myths and legends that make up their being."
Diana shook her head slightly, "I do not like it still, but I understand. I know more than most that gods are beings of familiarity and pattern. I shall not begrudge your decision. So long as he comes to understand that Barbara is now off-limits to him."
"That's fair. I'm just interested in having words with the being who made himself a catgirl waifu. Maybe you could join our conversation and try to impart the importance of consent upon him," I suggested.
That finally made Diana smile again, perhaps a bit viciously, "Ah, yes. I believe I would enjoy that. He may not."
" *Jiiiiiiiiiiii*"
Ah… It seemed a certain someone was feeling a little forgotten about right about now. The watchful, pouting eyes of an angelic, Kryptonian Farm-Girl stared down at me and Diana, floating there as if she'd been put in a time-out corner of her own making. Kara's stare was practically audible. And her pout was vicious.
As it turned out, Kara's pout was also practically audible, "You two sure seem to be getting along…"
Diana let out an honest bark of laughter, "HA~! Oh, Kara, you don't need to worry. I won't steal your new companion from you."
"W-What~?!" Kara instantly sputtered. "I wasn't worried about that! Totally wasn't! I'm glad you're getting along! But you can't just ignore me like that!"
I chuckled, "Sorry, Kara. Would you like to be included in our conversation?"
She grumbled and pouted but still floated closer, "… 'Wasn't very nice at all…"
"There, there, Kara," I soothed, reaching out to pat her head.
She immediately melted into my expert headpats. I'd had plenty of practice on the Batkids. And Kara was now finding out firsthand just how pleasant a good head patting could be. Diana watched with amusement practically painted on her face as her younger friend float-leaned against me and almost purred with fluttering eyes.
The door to the locker room opened and Kara didn't react at all. Thankfully, it wasn't her cousin at the door. Another female hero of the Justice League walked in, all black with a skintight leotard bodysuit, sheer fishnets, and blonde rocker girl hair.
What was it with female heroes and fishnets? Okay, maybe it was only Black Canary and Zatanna but both of their usages of the sheer stocking medium were iconic. I only wondered about the subject briefly. I certainly wasn't going to complain.
Black Canary paused as she saw how I had Kara at my 'mercy', "Am… I interrupting something?"
"Not if you know what's good for you," I joked.
"Yes," Diana played along with a smirk. "I believe Kara would object to any interruption at the moment."
Canary stared at me and Kara for a moment before asking, "Should I add this to his file?"
I snorted, "I think Batman already knows about this power of mine, considering I've used it to suborn three of his sidekicks at this point."
"Ah…" I could see the moment Black Canary gave up on trying to make sense of me. "Very well. Carry on."
"Actually, it's a good thing I caught you while I'm here," I said. "I have something of a proposal for you. Well, you and John Constantine mostly. But I assume you can pass it along to him more easily than I can."
"You have me in strange company," Canary noted. "What do John and I have in common that would make you seek us out?"
I smiled, still fondly patting Kara's head. She was blissed out, almost completely lost to the world. Adorable. Absolutely adorable. Kara easily gave even cute, deadpan, little Damian a run for his money.
"That's simple enough," I answered. "You were both in bands. And I run a bar for heroes and villains. So I was thinking the only logical thing to do was invite the two of you around to perform if you wanted to."
Diana made an interested sound, "Ah, that sounds like quite the entertaining prospect. I may have to stop by that night if the idea pans out."
Canary hesitated only slightly, "I'll… think about it. I'd have to get the old band together. And I can't speak for John. It's possible though. Perhaps we could figure out something temporary together."
"Well, you know where to find me when you two reach a decision," I nodded. "Even if you don't perform, you're both welcome at the Dead End anytime. Feel free to stop by for a drink and a story."
"That's very kind of you, Mr. Barkeep," Canary said diplomatically. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I did come here for a reason. I'll just get out of your hair. Diana. Always a pleasure."
She collected a few things from her locker and quickly left the locker room. I got the feeling she wasn't the most comfortable around me. If the Justice League did have a file on me, that wasn't much of a surprise.
I hummed, "I think that went about as well as I could have expected."
"Yes," Diana agreed. "Whether she agrees to your idea or not will just have to wait to be seen."
"What do you think, Kara?" I asked, already knowing the reply I'd get.
Kara didn't even open her eyes, "MMmmmmm~…"
"That sounds like a vote of confidence to me," I chuckled.
"Sean…? Kara…?" Barbara's voice invaded the locker room, carrying a warning in its tone. "Do either of you. Wish to explain. Just why. The whole! Freaking! Station! Is complaining about a speeding Kryptonian?!"
"No…?" I called back. "Not particularly."
"Well, you're going to!"
Kara absently moaned something almost unintelligible, still mostly distracted by my head pats, "Uh oh~ We're~ in~ trouble~…"
Diana chuckled at our predicament as Barbara came stomping into the locker room to glare at us, "I suggest you think quickly, Sean Caine. Very quickly indeed."
Chapter 27
A lone woman stood before seven screens, arranged in a semi-circle around her. Each screen projected a silhouette, obscured entirely by light. And though the expressions of the people on the other side of the screens were impossible to make out, it was clear that the majority of them were… currently unpleasant.
Amanda Waller's expression - the lone woman - was much the same. She was a hard woman. Both in demeanor and in how she dealt with the issues her role presented her with. Ruthless and intensely pragmatic, to Waller, the ends always justified the means.
'The Wall' was unflinching and rightfully feared. Those who threatened her slept with both eyes open. And those who threatened what she was tasked to protect were discreetly and efficiently removed from the equation. ALL equations…
That was how she found herself creating and controlling the legendary Suicide Squad. She ran that program with an iron fist, keeping its criminal participants in line with both carrot and stick. And now, she had come to report to these figures, their real identities unknown even to her.
At least, they should have been. Fortunately, Waller was a scarily competent woman. Enough so that even Batman was forced to acknowledge her, though he was far from agreeing with her methods. The true identities of the group she now partially worked for hadn't escaped her attention.
She couldn't be considered - by nearly anyone who even heard of her infamy - to be the most pleasant person on the planet. The same could be said for almost everyone associated with these screens of light in this isolated and secure room.
The Council of Light was not an evil organization. Nor was it a purely good organization. It wasn't much of an organization at all, in fact. It could more reasonably be equated to a secret society - an alliance of seven powerful individuals, all with their own motives and resources to bring to bear. One of convenience, shared benefit, and profit.
The largest commonality shared between them was their connection to humanity. They tasked themselves with protecting the Earth from threats of all kinds. Threats that many others wouldn't even consider until it was too late. They were some of humanity's ultimate minders and guides, the Light in the Shadow.
Even a dangerous and feared woman like Amanda Waller was only an agent of the Light. She was, however, the Light's most effective agent. One with connections and resources that could potentially match the core members of the Light. As such, she was kept on a tight leash by men and women beyond her ken.
Behind silhouettes of white light, the Council waited for Waller's report. Coordinating such powerful people was not an easy task. And none there were willing to waste their time. Well… MOST there were not willing to waste their time…
The original creator of the Light projected himself in the middle of the meeting. He was a man beyond mortal reasoning. The oldest human being alive by a wide margin. An immortal. A tyrant. An Emperor in all but name. Vandal Savage was humanity incarnate.
Savage was a complex man of nearly unknowable motivations. In disparate names and personas, he left his mark on history. Without him, humanity may well be unrecognizable from its current form. One motivation of his was clear though, for he was not shy about his belief in humanity. He was to guide the world and lead humanity to its peak potential. Savage believed humanity to be supreme - special in the unflinching universe. In many ways, he wasn't wrong…
To that end, he founded the Light alongside the goddess Ishtar. Many, many years had passed since its founding. Throughout the group's history, influential figures of humanity passed through its ranks.
Gilgamesh, Alexander the Great, Archimedes, Plato, Sun Wukong, Oda Nobunaga, Cu Chulain, and King Arthur were only a few of the Light's members. Heroes and villains, great fools and geniuses. Savage could not claim all of history's named characters. But he and his Light could get damn close.
Even in modern times, Savage claimed many of the world's most influential humans. Ones who shared at least some of his views and beliefs. Most importantly, that of humanity's true strength and potential.
Centuries ago, one of Savage's immortal peers was recruited directly. Ra's al Ghul was nowhere near as ancient as Savage. In fact, compared to Savage, the Head of the Demon was merely an immortal teenager. Even then, Ra's al Ghul was one of the most dangerous and legendary men to ever walk the Earth.
If Savage was feeling particularly candid that day, he would have spoken of Ra's almost fondly. While the other immortal was yet young, he was a peer. Someone Savage could potentially call a friend. Perhaps one of the only humans he could relate to on such a level.
The younger immortal very blatantly didn't feel the same way about Savage. He felt a certain rivalry and necessary competition with his 'peer'. But that 'rivalry' was quite one-sided.
Savage simply didn't care. Youthful rebellion, he would say. Savage had that kind of bullish personality. If he claimed someone as a friend and ally, their protests would fall on stubborn ears. And on this day, Savage was feeling generous enough to claim Ra's as a friend. And so it was. Simple as.
The other current members of the Light weren't nearly as ancient as Ra's and Savage. They were all relatively recent recruits. That did not make them meaningless though. Each one had proved themselves to Savage in one way or another. He had deemed them worthy of sitting in his Light.
Slade Wilson AKA Deathstroke was a worthy warrior. Mercenary though he may have been, Wilson was a prime example of what Savage looked for in humanity. In ages lost to time, he would have gladly stood with sword in hand beside the World's Greatest Assassin.
Lex Luthor was also a prime example of humanity in Savage's eyes. Just in a different direction. Instead of peak physicality, Luthor relied on more subtle methods. Brains over brawn. Levers over brute strength. He reminded Savage much of ancient Archimedes. Give Luthor a lever big enough and he would move the world.
It also quite helped that Luthor was the one other in the Light who most closely mirrored Savage's belief in humanity. He didn't know nearly as much about human nature as Savage had learned during his long life and so had lost his faith in much of humanity.
But that wisdom would come with age. Savage went through a similar phase. Now, he knew it was just in humanity's nature to live and love and lose. To be cruel and kind, malicious and benevolent. And to war and peace, create and destroy until the sun went out.
The most important part was that even after losing his faith in human nature, Luthor believed in humanity. He was a staunch supporter, of the belief that the species could do anything it set its mind to. He resented alien influences, most notably the influence of Superman and his kin. In his resentment, Luthor would fight even harder for humanity. Lex Luthor was a brilliant and driven individual, a quiet pinnacle of human evolution. Err… apart from the baldness, of course…
The other members of the Light were less significant in Savage's mind. Still paragons of humanity, just less interesting to Savage personally. Queen Bee was a prime example of Humanity's will to rule, effective and strong of will and mind.
Ultra-Humanite was perhaps Savage's least favorite of the current Light members. Savage found the man-turned-mutant-gorilla to be misguided and quite foolish. Even then, he was still a prime example of humanity's ability to adapt to anything.
And finally, there was Klarion the Witch-Boy. He was-… actually, Savage wasn't quite sure why he was now a member of the Light. A prime example of humanity's magic, perhaps? The Witch-Boy's story from Limbo to Earth was certainly intriguing but Savage was unsure why he'd initially recruited the boy-shaped offshoot of human evolution.
Oh, well. He was the First Man. He surely had a good reason, even if he couldn't currently remember it.
Unknown to Savage, even Klarion didn't know why he was included in the clandestine group. He certainly brought enough to the table to warrant his inclusion but it was still a strange scene that saw him - by all appearances a 12-year-old boy - recruited by an immortal. He was, however, VERY amused by the whole situation.
"Get on with it," Luthor ordered, his tone curt and to the point.
"Yes," Ultra-Humanite grunted, the ape-like quality of his voice coming through even the obscured silhouette. "Some of us have important things to be doing. My tinkering time is suffering here."
"Do not we all~?" Queen Bee drawled lazily.
"I'm sure my work is much more important than yours," Ultra-Humanite bickered back at her.
Savage cut them off before they could start, speaking with a voice that was both dangerously soft and deceptively rough at the same time, "Enough. I'm quite interested in what Miss Waller has to present to us. Let the Wall speak."
Waller didn't even bother thanking him. To be fair, he didn't expect her to. She was not the kind of woman Savage usually got along with. But she happened to be immensely useful so he let it lie. Not every woman was worthy of being added to his harem - the FIRST harem!
Waller nodded, "A potential new piece has entered the board. My taps in the Justice League's system revealed a visitor to the station, brought in the company of Batgirl and Supergirl. Him being able to keep up with Supergirl - as happened later during their visit - was what prompted me to dig deeper.
"I managed to secure some additional information on the subject. But in doing so, one of my fingers in their metaphorical pie was snapped clean off. As expected. Batman is always worryingly competent. He has not discovered the rest of my taps just yet but I will need to move some of my assets around.
"Regardless, the League had a file on this visitor that I was able to acquire. They have him labeled as one 'Mr. Barkeep'."
Suddenly, Deathstroke interrupted her with a snort, a brief muffled laugh somewhere between amusement and disbelief. Ra's al Ghul was silent but his amusement would have been clear to see to anyone who saw his face. Though he wasn't heard by the others, Klarion also had to muffle laughter.
He grinned behind his white silhouette, 'Oh, this is going to be GOOD~!'
"Yes?" Waller asked, raising an eyebrow on an expression that might as well have been made of concrete. "Do you have something to add, Sir?"
"Forget it," Deathstroke grunted, still muffling his humor. "Continue, Waller."
Savage and the others wondered what that was all about. Waller continued, "Mr. Barkeep AKA Sean Caine runs a bar in Gotham that caters to heroes and villains just as readily as it caters to regular citizens. As such, he quickly came to the attention of the Bats. Positive contact has been made and Mr. Barkeep has established himself as a neutral party in Gotham's scene.
"He claims to be human. The powers he has openly demonstrated challenge that claim. As do the experiences he has openly shared with those who visit his bar. He seems to like telling 'stories'. Most of those stories match nothing in my records, nothing I've ever heard of. They are potentially concerning if they are as true as the Justice League seems to think they are."
"Could the heroes be falling for a con?" Luthor asked.
"Unlikely," Waller answered. "These reports come from Batman or through those he's trained. They are very thorough in vetting this kind of thing."
"Can you give us some examples of this Mr. Barkeep's stories?" Ra's asked, honestly curious. He'd heard of his new step-grandson-in-law's stories but he was still in the dark as to their exact contents.
Waller's face and tone were utterly dead as she gave the Council just a taste of the Dead End's stories, "Impossible, unknowable, Eldritch knowledge. Beings and Entities of unimaginable power. Tales of war and conquest to an unfathomable extreme. Feats and deeds that contradict written history. Crystalized extinction events and casually game-changing trophies. 'Infinite' threats to the universe itself that were tamed through spankings and sweets."
Oho~? Now, that got Savage's interest. He'd been listening with half an ear but the more he heard of Mr. Barkeep, the more curious he grew. If even one of those aspects described by Waller were true, Mr. Barkeep was exactly Savage's kind of man! But if they were true, why was he only hearing about the man now…?
"How fascinating…" Ra's mused.
"That… sounds like a lot…" Queen Bee's blink of surprise was heard more than seen.
"It is," Waller stated flatly. "Quite a lot. I've already started compartmentalizing what I've read. If any of you dig into the report, I suggest you quickly do the same."
"So why is this important," Luthor snapped. "Another impossible or crazy individual? In Gotham, at that? That sounds like par for the course. Why should we care?"
"Well, he's also essentially started his own faction, with recruits including Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Mister Freeze, Black Alice, and most recently, Solomon Grundy and Killer Croc."
"Black Alice? I've certainly never heard of her," Luthor scoffed.
"She's relatively new on the magical scene. But there was a momentary stir at the chaos she released just by existing. According to the Justice League's mages, she was a threat to the fabric of magic itself," Waller explained. "According to my sources in the community, to say people were unhappy with her would be an understatement. Several groups were looking to kill the 16-year-old girl in what basically amounts to cold blood."
"Tough," Ultra-Humanite grunted.
That caused even Savage to frown slightly. He was no stranger to doing what was necessary but even he would have hesitated to murder a young girl. Mostly for just that reason. There was no honor in slaying defenseless women. Nothing like the glory of proper combat and conquest.
"I actually know something about that situation," Klarion put in without revealing who he truly was behind the screen. "Miss Alice's powers were stabilized before the less savory members of the magical community could act and she was adopted by Mr. Barkeep and the Dead End. So you can consider him a potent mage as well as the rest of the things Waller has reported if you wish."
Though she showed nothing on her face, Waller stared down the screen Klarion was behind. She had… opinions on the chaotic magical nuisance. But she wasn't about to voice them here and now. Ever, really, if she could help it. She wasn't compensated nearly enough to dig into the inner politics of the Council.
"That is what the League's report reads as well," She simply said. "Either way, she is a potent addition to Mr. Barkeep's growing faction. And her situation revealed even more of his power."
"I still don't see how any of this is relevant. At most, this makes him a regional power. Not someone we should reasonably concern ourselves with," Luthor said.
"Did I mention he finally managed to kill the Joker? For good this time," Waller hid an internal smirk. She wished to get something from this meeting, at least. Personal amusement would have to do.
Her statement gave Luthor pause, "… You did not."
"Well, he killed the Joker. In front of Batman. And 'Heroes-Don't-Kill' Batman didn't lift a finger to stop him. I'll let you do the rest of that math. It should be simple arithmetic."
"Your lip is unappreciated, Waller," Luthor forced out through audibly gritted teeth.
Waller played the unoffensive subordinate so well it became offensive again, "Noted, Sir. And there is something else I seem to have forgotten to mention. Death works at his bar as a waitress."
Queen Bee scoffed loudly, "Surely, you jest. Death. Ha! I've heard more believable claims from my country's insipid faux-despotic princes."
"Truly?" Savage asked curiously. "Death walks among mortals consistently these days?"
"You can't be serious?!" Queen Bee gaped at the interruption from the Council's leader.
"Death of the Endless is no mere jest. No mere myth or legend. She is a kind mistress. Relatable. I would not put it past her to work in her free time," Savage asserted.
"My agents report something similar about Lady Death," Ra's added. "My primary has even made positive contact with her and claims she is quite agreeable."
"That… does change things," Luthor considered intently. "I must apologize, Waller. You were correct to bring this to our attention. Now, how can we use this information."
"Indeed," Savage said, just as thoughtful. "Death would be quite the coup. And I find myself quite, quite interested in this Mr. Barkeep and his stories. Perhaps we could match blades?"
"Yeah, nope. Just nope. I'm out. If you fools want to poke Sean, Didi, and the Dead End, that's your funeral. Literally. I'm out," Deathstroke immediately, firmly, and quite intelligently refused to be a part of any action against the Dead End.
He didn't even wait for a reply, simply disconnected from the meeting with due haste. His screen - his Light - went dark. The others were left blinking, nearly reeling in surprise. And finally, Klarion couldn't contain his humor and amusement any longer.
He laughed straight in their faces, "Hahahahaha~! Goodness, he's much smarter than I give him credit for! Trying to scheme around Sean and Lady Didi is a terrible idea. If any of you are even a modicum as smart as him, you'll heed that wisdom. The Joker fucked around. He'll get to 'find out' for eternity now."
"Seriously, don't. That goes for even you, Savage," Klarion said, deadly serious as he broke the Council's anonymity without care. "I believe Ra's already knows why 'fucking around' is a bad idea. And he doesn't have much reason to, considering his daughter has gotten their family an in with the Dead End. For the rest of you… Well, try something if you wish. I shall be watching for you to crash and burn with a bucket of popcorn in hand."
With that, he disconnected as well. Behind his own screen, Ra's nodded. He quite agreed with the Witch-Boy's advice.
"I believe I will heed his wisdom. I have nothing to gain from going against my new step-grandson-in-law. It is, in fact, unthinkable. He is family. As such, I am the only one here who can validly claim Lady Death as my family as well. Suck eggs, Savage."
The Head of the Demon disconnected from the meeting, making three Council members in less than as many minutes. Speechless didn't even begin to describe the state the rest of the Council was left in. There was much confusion, much disbelief, and just as much dread for what the rest of them had gotten themselves into that made nearly half of their members abandon ship before they even started planning.
Then Savage laughed a raucous, booming laugh that came from the bottom of his soul, "AHAHAHAHAH~! Very good, Ra's! Very good indeed! Oh, yes! I think I quite like this Mr. Barkeep! I simply must meet him! Must, I say!"
"What. Is. Even. Happening…?" Queen Bee asked in utter confusion.
"I may need to get tested for hallucinogens," Luthor muttered to himself.
"No, Sir, that won't be necessary," Waller reassured 'helpfully'. "According to the report, this is just the effect that Mr. Barkeep seems to have on the world. As Batgirl put it, 'Even where he doesn't go, he brings insanity with him'."
"This meeting has been deplorably unproductive," Ultra-Humanite grunted, disconnecting without further fanfare.
"I've decided!" Savage declared boisterously. "No one will approach Mr. Barkeep! This duty shall fall to me and me alone! How spectacular! I must get my sword! And my bow! And my axe! Our battle shall be legendary! As will the drinking and feasting that follows! Meeting dismissed! I must prepare…"
Savage disconnected from the meeting. Queen Bee followed, still stuck in silence and confusion. Only Luthor and Waller remained.
"God, make it make sense," Luthor sighed behind his screen. "Just how exactly did it come to this?"
"You're the one who decided to work with an insane immortal, Lex. I know you must have expected this much to happen eventually," Waller said.
Luthor rubbed his brow to hold back a building headache, "You aren't supposed to know that, Waller."
She raised an imperious eyebrow, "Do you expect me to work for someone if I don't know who they are? Really, Lex? You know me and you know how stupid that sounds. Just try to add those two things together and make sense of the answer you get."
"Just… Just get out of here, Waller," Luthor had to try very hard not to groan. "The meeting has been dismissed. And for once, I agree with the gorilla. This has been entirely unproductive."
Finally, Waller shrugged, "Fine by me. I didn't want to be here in the first place. You're the one who agreed to this whole secret society business. As if that's EVER been an effective tactic for getting ANYTHING done."
She left the secure room and Lex Luthor was left to sigh into the silent darkness, "Don't I fucking know it…"
Chapter 28
[AN: I dislike daylight saving time. It throws my whole schedule out of wack.]
Contrary to the usual norm, the Dead End didn't wake with the rising sun. Instead, we stirred when it began to fall below the horizon. The ultimate effect was still the same, especially when it came to Harley.
Spoiler: Harley
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She groaned, "Uuuuuuugggghhhhh~… Stupid fuckin' sunset… Stupid fuckin' job… Stupid fuckin' five to nine…"
"You know it's not actually a five to nine, right? We don't officially open our doors until about eight o'clock," I replied in amusement.
"Shut up and cuddle me closer, idiot," Harley grumbled. "I still can't feel my legs from this morning…"
"Join the club," Ivy groaned from the other side of Harley.
Spoiler: Ivy
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"I feel fine," Didi said happily from behind me. "Perky, honestly."
"Omnipotence is cheating when it comes to recovering from Gothboy's D," Harley shot back at her.
I could hear Didi frown, "That doesn't seem very fair to me."
"It's not fair to the rest of us either!" Harley snapped.
I chuckled at their bickering, "Should I work my magic and see if I can't heal you two?"
"Oh, Gothboy, I love you~!" Harley suddenly exclaimed.
"Of course, healing you will just mean you have to go to work," I pointed out.
"Fuck…" Harley hesitated but not for long. "Fine. It's still worth it. I can't feel my toes right now. If I try to get up, I'm going to find out firsthand how comfortable the floor is. And then there will be no hope of getting me up."
"Goddess, you're right… The floor does sound comfortable right about now," Ivy mumbled.
"Just hurry up and work your magic, Gothboy. And not the 'mindblowing D' magic you worked this morning," Harley requested.
"As you wish," I agreed with a smirk.
I laid hands on the two women. It wasn't very had to do considering our current position. Arranged front to back in a four-person chain of spooning, I had easy access to the two in front of me. A quick spell, a flex of magic, and a tiny bit of concentration set a flood of warmth in motion.
Using actual healing magic would have been overkill. The girls weren't hurt. Just exhausted and run dry by our morning 'activities'. Additionally, using conceptual Death was a bit more permanent than necessary. So instead of something like 'Cure Wounds' or 'Death of Fatigue', I used a bit of Restoration.
Restore Lost Vitality along with a touch of Fortify Body. My soul glowed ever so slightly. Light and Restoration flowed from me slowly, softly, and yet, unstoppably. Magic (Magicka, more accurately) glowed in my hands, pressed over the cores of Harley and Ivy's bodies. Almost immediately, their fatigue was swept away. Energy and subtle strength filled their beings.
Ivy shivered. Harley shuddered. They both seemed to glow slightly, that same sunny yellow as the Magicka from my hands. Pressed down upon by a pleasant weight, Harley and Ivy only seemed to stand stronger for it.
Harley moaned, "Oh, yeah~ That's the stuff~!"
"Goodness, Sean," Ivy said, breathless. "Waking up with you is better than chewing pure coffee beans."
"Glad I could help," I smiled.
Almost immediately, Harley tried to put her newfound energy to 'good' use, "You know, you could help in another way now that I can move again~"
She pushed herself back against me, little-spooning me tightly. My cock slipped between her legs and began to stir. Like riding a horse horizontally, Harley gyrated her hips. Like a little firecracker, Harley was raring to go again as soon as she was able.
"No, Harley," Ivy chided gently but firmly. "Bad, Harley."
"Awww, c'mon, Red~" Harley whined. "Don't we have time for a quickie or two or three~?"
"No," Ivy held firm. "Now, hurry up and get up. If I have to work tonight, you do as well."
"Ah, phooey…" Harley pouted.
Ivy offered her an olive branch, "If you're quick enough, I'll cook you breakfast. Dinner… whatever."
"Ooooh~! Omelet~!" Harley cheered excitedly. "With plenty of spinach and mushrooms and-! And-! Arugula and basil~!"
"You know I can't do mushrooms, baby," Ivy pointed out with amusement.
"Yep~! That's why I thought ahead and bought some fresh the other day~!"
"Very well. I shall make your omelet. But you have to get up first."
That was all the prompting Harley needed. She sprung from the bed as if she hadn't just been grumbling and complaining about having to wake up. Naked and bouncing on her toes in a way that did wonderful things to her tight, perky body, Harley dragged Ivy from the bed as well.
I chuckled at their antics as they left. Well, chuckled and enjoyed the view they offered me and Didi. So much bouncing, jiggling flesh from Harley… So much tantalizingly smooth green skin and a perfectly plush and proportional profile from Ivy… The supple slightly squished swells of breast pressed against breast as Harley excitedly pulled Ivy along with her… It certainly wasn't a view someone easily turned away from.
"And us, Dear?" Didi asked, cuddling herself into my back.
"I suppose we should be getting up as well," I answered.
But instead of following through on my words immediately, I turned around on the bed, coming face to face with Didi. She gave me a soft, loving smile. I embraced the softness of her smaller body. My half-hardened member found its way between us, sandwiched between her supple stomach and my abs.
"Come, Dear," Didi reminded. "Another night of stories and chaos awaits."
I chuckled, "Indeed it does. Well, I would hate to keep my faithful audience waiting."
Somehow, we managed to get up out of bed without separating an inch. Standing tall on her tiptoes, I hugged Didi to me for a moment. She let out a fond sigh, resting her head on my shoulder. I gave her an equally fond squeeze.
"I have to wonder who will show up tonight," I said as we finally came apart. "Barbara and Kara? Someone new? I did extend that invitation to Black Canary and John Constantine. Perhaps we'll have some live music tonight?"
"That would be nice," Didi hummed. "I think I would like to dance."
"Then I shall make it happen, m'lady," I bowed graciously, playing up the bit for her.
Didi grinned softly, subtly, "As you should, my Dear."
We shared a laugh, enjoying an easy chemistry. Two small flicks of the wrist were all it took to put an end to our naked states. Another fixed Didi's beautifully messy hair and my own. Now dressed and presentable, I bowed again and waved Didi forward.
"After you."
"You just want to watch me leave," Didi commented cannily.
I grinned, "And I'll never try to hide it. I quite like walking behind you, Didi darling."
My blatant compliment and praise for her shapely behind only made Didi's cheeks color slightly. We were making progress there. What a shame. Flustering her was oh so much fun.
She walked out of our shared bedroom, putting a very noticeable sway in her steps. Mesmerized, I watched her hips move. Clad in jeans so tight they could have been a second skin, Didi from the back was a work of art. From the attempt at sultry, smoldering eyes she sent me from over her shoulder, she knew that much.
Spoiler: Still the best Didi pic I've found
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I grinned even wider. Of course, Didi learning to fire back could be just as fun.
I followed her dutifully like I would follow her to the ends of the Earth. As it so happened, I would do just that if she merely asked. That wasn't much of a labor when she looked this good from behind.
Harley and Ivy had commandeered our kitchen. Harley was singing something happy and off-key as she sat on the counter watching Ivy cook for her. Something something 'Allstar' by the sound of it. Did I want to consider the implications that Shrek existed in this reality? That made 69 lives in a row now. No matter where I went, that damned ogre followed, even when it didn't logically make sense like in less modern worlds. I'd basically given up and decided to consider Shrek a constant of existence at this point.
Still, it seemed music was in the air tonight. It made me wonder if Canary and Constantine would decide to take me up on my offer. It'd been a few days since my visit to the Watchtower and impromptu pseudo-date with Kara. Maybe that was enough time for them to figure something out. Enough time to 'get the old band back together', so to speak.
The rest of that visit had gone surprisingly well. 'Surprisingly' because of how mad Barbara had been at the shenanigans Kara and I got up to around the station. It only took a bit of teasing, misdirection, and sneaky headpats to get her to calm down and see the humor of the situation. And then she was more than eager to join us in zipping around the station.
I did have to carry her for that. But I think she enjoyed that part as much as the speed we were 'flying' at. Flying for Kara, just keeping up with her for me. That particular trick of mine didn't rely on super speed on my part. It was more of a tethering technique that tied me to speedy 'problem children' like Kara and Ruby.
After Barbara had calmed down, we had a lot of fun causing chaos on the station. We did have to be careful about dodging Superman while we did though. Kara still didn't want me to meet her cousin just yet. She said she didn't want to chance his reaction until she had Ma Kent there to keep him in line.
I may have helped her avoid him a tiny bit. Otherwise, there wasn't much that could stop Superman from finding us on an enclosed space station. It wasn't too much though. Just a small SEP field targeted at him alone. Exactly enough to make sure he always missed us à la some kind of humorous Scooby Doo-esque montage.
All in all, that had been a fun day. And we'd even made it back in time for me to open the bar. Barbara and Kara had stuck around for a little while. Just long enough for me to drive them a bit insane and speechless with the story of the Legendary Oppai Dragon.
IIIII
"The. What…?" Barbara asked flatly as if she didn't believe her own ears.
"What a guy…" A mook muttered in awe and admiration.
"He's a hero. A true hero."
"Kid wasn't ashamed to chase his dream, no matter what society said about him. Shit, you gotta respect that kinda determination."
Kara cocked her head innocently, "Doesn't 'Oppai' mean 'breasts' in Japanese?"
"It does indeed. Very good, Kara. You didn't even stutter over saying a lewd word like breasts," I nodded proudly.
Kara huffed, "There's nothing lewd about breasts. They're a perfectly natural and normal part of the female body."
I stared at her, raising a single, flat eyebrow, and tested her claim, "Titty."
Kara burst into a furious blush in an instant, gaping at me and sputtering, "T-That~! T-T-T-Titty~?! Sean, that was entirely uncalled for!"
"And yet here we are. You were saying something about breasts not being lewd at all?"
"They aren't if you don't make them lewd…" Kara pouted, her cheeks still red enough to cook an egg.
"As fun as teasing Kara is-…" Barbara started.
"Babs~?!" Kara exclaimed.
Barbara pressed right on over her friend's betrayal, smirking slightly, "Can we get back to the utter insanity that is a capital 'D' Dragon being powered up by tits?"
"Honestly?" A mook considered. "That's not that insane."
"Yeah," Another agreed. "I've heard of weirder things in Gotham alone. Much less the rest of the world."
"Crazy Quilt?"
"Crazy Quilt."
"Anyone else heard of a guy named Snowflame? I bet his… everything could give the Oppai Dragon a run for his money," Yet another mook said.
"The cocaine-powered supervillain? Yeah, that one's pretty odd."
Barbara opened her mouth to protest. It snapped closed just as quickly. She raised a finger in acknowledgment, "… Point. But I still think this 'Issei Hyoudou' is in a league of his own when it comes to insanity. Crazy Quilt is just very neurodivergent and Snowflame doesn't power up high enough to beat down gods."
A round of shrugs went through the mooks, "Yeah, I guess that's fair. Still think he's the realest hero I've ever heard of though."
"Kid's living the dream. HIS dream."
I grinned, "You haven't heard anything yet. Prepare yourselves… for the sheer fucking insanity that could be reached by a universe that ran on Oppai Logic."
"Oh, God," Barbara groaned. "Something even Sean thinks is insane. We're doomed…"
IIIII
I smirked to myself. That had been fun as well. It'd been enough for even Barbara - who was quite used to my bullshit - to beg off for the night. Kara seemed conflicted about the story. On one hand, lewd. Issei was an undeniable pervert. On the other, he was also a genuinely good guy. Heroic, caring, and surprisingly wholesome at times. He was a good guy… But again, pervert.
My mind wandered onto unimportant things as we left Harley and Ivy to their breakfast and made our way down to the bar. Well, unimportant things and Didi's ass. Which was VERY important. Perhaps the most important thing in existence. Mmmmm~ Dead ass…
So taken by that 'dead ass', I made my move as Didi unlocked the bar. I pressed myself up against her from behind, one hand coming around to rest on her stomach and the other palming that deadly miracle of a behind I was so fixated on. She giggled as I shuffled us both through the now-unlocked door.
Before I could do anything more, I noticed something was off. We weren't alone in the Dead End. I was on edge for only a moment before realizing who had finally come to visit. After that realization, I didn't completely relax but I was much less worried about some strange intruder breaking through my domain's barriers.
"Cousin Luci?" Didi gasped in surprise and excitement.
"The one and only," The man at my bar said with a smirk, his voice somehow delightfully smug and insufferably likable at the same time.
The man sitting at my bar was tall, blonde, and handsome. His features leaned masculine but there was an androgyny there. A malleability of shape and form. As if that masculinity could change at any instant. As if the man could be who or whatever he wanted to be. But 'he' - for now - just sat there with a drink already in hand, seeming to have served himself. Utterly confident, unbothered, and unconcerned with the fact that he was intruding.
Spoiler: Luci
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I'd met many VERY powerful beings throughout my 69 lives. Even then, Lucifer Morningstar was impressive. Not for some knee-bending aura he emitted. But for the opposite. He was impressive because of just how LITTLE I could sense from him.
Nearly nothing leaked through his control. But if I looked close enough, I could still see a sliver of his truth. A taste of Creation, something vast and unquantifiable. Even just a taste was, put simply, ENOUGH.
There was a link in that sliver. To Creation, to something more. As if Lucifer was just one end. One half of an equation. A question without an answer. And if he was the question, I had a feeling his brother Michael would be the answer.
Lucifer was one of the most powerful beings I'd ever had the pleasure of meeting. I didn't doubt he could likely do anything he set his mind to. But to create something out of nothing, I knew he needed his brother, the answer to his question. Michael. The other half of the Demiurge. For only the Biblical God - The Presence - could fully embody the Truth of the Demiurge, gifting one-half each to His two first sons.
More distinctions leaked through the sliver of Lucifer that I could see. Rebellion. Freedom and even more chains as a result. And light. No… LIGHT. So much LIGHT. The Light-Bringer. Lucifer was a star, a Morningstar. The herald of more LIGHT to come.
Surprisingly enough, I couldn't see any 'sin'. He wasn't pure. But his LIGHT washed away any sin one might normally associate with the literal Devil. And there was also something strangely familiar in Lucifer's sliver of truth. A sentiment free of worry and care. A sense of… retirement.
"What are you doing here, Luci?" Didi asked, smiling brightly.
"Some mysterious benefactor happened to connect my neighborhood to yours. I figured I might as well visit since it was made so easy and open. And since that same mysterious benefactor left me a most amusing message," Lucifer smirked.
"Ah," Didi nodded. "Sean's expansion efforts. Yes, I can see how a message from my dear Sean might get your attention."
"Guilty," I said, raising a hand freely. "Did you enjoy the short tale of Aziraphale and Crowley and the Anti-Christ?"
"It was certainly an interesting read. Why, it was positively gut-busting. Those two would hate to read about what their close alternates got up to together. I may just have to start shipping these versions of them now. Perhaps it will finally get Crowley to acknowledge their feelings here as well," Lucifer replied with palpable amusement.
Didi sighed fondly, "Honestly, Sean? You just couldn't resist, could you?"
I grinned, "I never can."
"Stories from another life aside," Didi turned back to Lucifer. "I'm glad you came to visit, cousin."
"As am I, little Didi," Lucifer smiled, still smug but also a bit more genuine. "I saw you on the news, you know? It was quite a pleasant surprise to see my most overworked 'relative' mucking about on Earth like I am."
"I've found something worthwhile outside of simply walking souls to their eternities," Didi glanced at me softly while she said that.
"Congratulations, little Didi," Lucifer clapped casually. "On your Prince Consort and on your new purpose. Perhaps I'll get to walk you down the aisle soon enough?"
Didi blushed but didn't refute his claim, "Perhaps."
My arm still around her gave a slight squeeze as I hummed, "You know, I've been wondering. What is the actual relation here?"
"Simply put? It all comes back to Father," Lucifer answered with lazy mirth.
I deadpanned. "It all comes back to the Source, Presence, and Demiurge. The Father Himself. Like everything else in Creation? Gee, really? You don't say?"
Eyes of brimstone burned with amusement, smirking back at me, "Something like that, yes."
"I'd call you a smug motherfucker but I don't think you actually have a mother," I sniped.
Lucifer - the Light-Bringer, the Maker, the literal Devil - laughed, "Oh, wonderful! Simply wonderful! I don't think I've heard that one before."
When his laughter ebbed, he said, "I do have a mother though. Just so you know. Mother is… Mother. Let's just leave it at that."
"Is she hot?" I asked bluntly.
Lucifer blinked, "Ex-cuse… me…?"
"Your mother. Is she hot? It sounds to me like she would be the ultimate MILF," I elaborated, still as blunt as a hammer.
"I-…" It must have taken a lot to make the Devil bewildered. My blunt, unthinkably crass question seemed to do it though. He shuddered slightly, "I don't think I can answer that. I don't think I WANT to answer that. Honestly, I've NEVER-! You have a very, very special mind…"
I shrugged, "Just asking."
"And I don't know whether to LAUGH or CRY that you are!"
"Please don't cuckold the Source of All Things, Dear," Didi chastised, pinching me to get her point across.
Lucifer blinked again then suddenly smirked, "Well, when you put it like THAT… !"
"If you insist, Dear," I nodded patiently. "I won't seduce the MILF of All Things."
Lucifer barked a laugh, looking torn between disgust and amusement. Amusement won out, "You are absolutely terrible. I LOVE it!"
Didi sighed, "I have the worst feeling that you two will get along all too well…"
"Game Recognizes Game," I shrugged.
"Quite," Lucifer's lips quirked slightly.
"That-…" Didi sighed again, heavier this time. "Very well, Dear. Shall I leave you to get to know your new best friend? Someone still has to open the bar tonight, after all."
I shook my head, "I can work and talk. I won't make you do it all alone. Are you planning on sticking around, Lucifer?"
"I think just I might," He said, lazily waving his martini without it spilling a drop. "You've got a quaint little place here. Not as good as my Lux but then, nothing is."
"We'll have to agree to disagree on that one," I said as Didi and I went about the usual opening routine. "The Dead End is quite special in its own way. You may have noticed the clown attraction we have. And all of my trophies lend the space a homey feel, of course. Why, my little Dead End is even starting to think for herself."
"Truly? Oh my, yes, I can see what you mean now," Lucifer frowned so minutely it was barely noticeable. "Well, that's just unacceptable. I've had Lux much longer than you and it hasn't developed any sort of Genius Loci… I'll have to see about rectifying that."
"Sounds like a lot of words to say 'point, Dead End'," I smirked.
He grinned, "Oh, I don't know if I'd go that far. My Lux has advantages of its own. Me, of course-…"
"Obviously," I added flatly.
His grin widened, "Yes, obviously. But we also have our own Mazikeen."
"And we have our own Didi," I pointed out.
That gave him a moment of pause, "Ah… Hmm, it's quite an even match-up, it seems."
"So it seems," I nodded. "Perhaps a truce is in order?"
Lucifer sighed faux-dramatically, "I suppose. Otherwise, we'll just go around in circles like this all night. And I think I'd rather get to know the fascinating soul from beyond the Source Wall."
"You'll get to know me well enough if you make your visits a regular routine," I said. "And I believe Didi would enjoy seeing her cousin Luci more often. The same goes for Delirium, though she isn't here anywhere near as consistently as Didi."
"Yes, keeping little Del on a regular schedule is a task that even my Father would struggle with," Lucifer said. "Though it would be good to see her again. Have you met the rest of Didi's siblings yet?"
"No, the others haven't shown up yet," Didi answered for me. "I'm sure they know that they're welcome and that we're expecting them at any time though."
"More like 'dreading' in some cases," I quipped.
Didi chided me lightly, "Be nice, Dear. I love all of my siblings. Even the more… challenging ones."
"Yes, Dear," I surrendered dutifully. "I'm just both dreading and anticipating having some of them show up at the bar during business hours. Mostly Desire, if I'm being honest."
Didi sighed, "Ah, yes, Desire will be difficult in her usual very specific way."
I absently noticed the Dead End shift as we spoke. Not due to anything we did, but to accommodate the whims of a regular guest of the bar. A window appeared high on one of the walls, the perfect size for a petite young woman to fit through. The convenient entry point existed only long enough for the first guest of the night to slip through it.
The unannounced guest was, perhaps predictably, one of the Bats. Black Bat - Cass - wasted no time getting to what she came for. She made a beeline for me to extract her near-nightly headpat tax.
I already had my patting hand up and ready as Cass ghosted silently behind the bar. She didn't go nearly as unnoticed as she thought she did. All three of us were a bit beyond the effectiveness of borderline mundane stealth. Lucifer's brimstone eyes tracked Cass the entire way through the bar. She didn't seem to mind at all, tunnel visioned as she was on the prospect of headpats.
Spoiler: best 'mute' girl
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"Hello, Cass," I greeted plainly. "Nice night?"
"( ‿ )" She nodded firmly twice. 'It's about to get even nicer!'
I rolled my eyes, "Yes, yes, I have your headpats, you little gremlin. Honestly, you're worse than a slavedriver when it comes to these things."
"(ΦωΦ)" Cass' expression was unrepentant and almost cat-like in its smugness.
"There's no need to give me those eyes," I pretended to grumble, much more amused than I let on.
"()"
"(‿‿)"
"( )ノ "
Stars in her eyes transitioned into purring, eyes-closed, smug-faced bliss as I started paying my headpat dues. Cass even waved a heart in my direction… somehow.
"Does this happen often?" Lucifer asked, watching us as laughter danced in his fiery eyes.
"Almost every night. She has a problem," I deadpanned.
"(o)" Beneath her half-mask, the outline of Cass' mouth opened wide in an 'O' of shock and indignation.
"_" She glared at me. '*Anger!* I do not~!'
"What a cute pet Bat," Lucifer commented with audible amusement.
"( ๑òᆺó๑ )" Cass turned her glare onto him. 'Not cute!'
Lucifer just nodded and corrected himself, understanding her perfectly, "Ah, my apologies. Deadly pet Bat."
"(︶)" Cass 'smugged' without shame, even planting proud fists on her hips and holding her head high. 'The deadliest!'
Shaking my head fondly, I continued patting her head. Cass dissolved into a satisfied headpat puddle. Her leg even did that little stompy kick thing that animals sometimes did. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you… the most deadly Bat.
Damian would probably get quite mad if he knew I thought of Cass with that title. Unfortunately for him, it was simply true. The race was close, sure. Damian was quite deadly himself. But Cass had been raised as a living weapon, taught to speak only the language of deadly combat, and so she did end up beating out Damian when it came to deadliness.
"(-。-
" After a few good moments of headpats, Cass turned languid, questioning eyes onto Lucifer as if to ask, 'So who's this then.'
Not needing any help translating Cass' 'words', Lucifer grinned wickedly and answered her, "Oh me? Lucifer Morningstar. A pleasure, I'm sure."
"(ロ)!" Cass' mouth went wide in shock. 'Oh no!'
" \_(ツ)/ " Moments later, she just shrugged. "Anyways…"
Lucifer blinked back surprise, both from being believed so readily and at Cass' kind of 'nothing' reaction, "That's certainly a new reaction to me saying my name."
Cass began all but ignoring him immediately after learning who he was. Headpats were more important to her than the literal Devil, it seemed. Lucifer looked more than a bit lost. Amused, but lost as well.
I sent him a not-so-subtle smirk, "Not used to being believed?"
"Honestly? No, not really," Lucifer shook his head with a chuckle. "No one believes I'm THAT Lucifer. Especially not on the first meeting."
"I thought as much," I nodded. "You're welcome, by the way. For the change of pace."
"You did something?" He asked curiously.
"Just extended some of the Dead End's benefits to you," I answered. "Usually, I'm the only one using the 'truth-seeing' feature of the bar."
Lucifer considered my words for a moment, seeming to look inward. I could tell 'inward' wasn't quite the right direction though. A ray of morning LIGHT shined across the Dead End, across my domain. His eyes lit up with realization.
"Ah… Now, that is certainly interesting. Useful too, I suspect."
"I've found it to be a near necessity. Otherwise, no one would bear with my insanity. And stories are much less fun when no one believes them," I chuckled.
"Being the only one in on the joke has its own advantages," Lucifer said, smirking. "But even that HAS gotten a bit boring lately."
"Hence, the change of pace. Why don't you try being believed wholeheartedly for once? I think you'll quite enjoy it," I nodded, already anticipating the chaos I was about to unleash upon the world.
"I think I will. I think I will indeed…"
"Well, you'll get more than enough chances tonight, cousin Luci," Didi called over to us, officially opening the Dead End for the night. "Showtime, boys. Don't play too rough with the mortals now."
Lucifer's grin seemed to take on a LIGHT and life of its own, "No promises~"
Almost immediately after Didi 'opened' our doors, we received an influx of regulars. The usual mooks and goons filtered into the bar over about a quarter of an hour as Lucifer and I made pleasant small talk. Regular citizens came with them but as always, they mostly stuck to the tables around the bar and not the bar proper. Then came a few of my bar's 'named characters'.
Penguin and Two-Face came in together, talking amiably to each other. It seemed they were in the process of arranging an informal alliance of sorts between their gangs. That arrangement obviously wasn't in the serious stages of talk though, considering the fact that they were speaking on it in public.
Catwoman sauntered through, as slinky as ever. She seemed to be feeling humorous tonight, ordering a virgin White Russian with extra cream. Which was just cream. Still, I served her order with minimal fuss.
Spoiler: Catwoman
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Finally, our nightly Bat representative came in to join Cass. It seemed we had Dick tonight. I'm sure he'd be feeling like he drew the short straw there soon enough.
The entire time the regulars were coming in, Lucifer and I talked about nothing subjects. Well, as nothing as a conversation with the Devil could get. Still, relatively simple topics like Lucifer's brief stint as a police consultant didn't raise TOO many eyes at the Dead End. I could tell he was strictly schooling a mischievous smirk of anticipation the whole time.
"Having the usual, Cass? I'd ask for a serving of my own but I don't think that'd go over all too well," Dick joked as he sat down at the bar.
"You're both too old and not nearly cute enough to get headpats from me, Dick," I shot back at him.
He clutched his heart in good-natured, faux-dramatic rejection, "Agh~… ! Struck right where it hurts most!"
"Don't worry, little 'Wing," Catwoman patted his head for me. "Some people still find you cute. Didn't I catch Huntress leaving your apartment just the other day?"
"Uh…" Dick froze awkwardly. "No…?"
"Really~?" Catwoman teased the oldest of her surrogate children. "I could have sworn I saw her leaving from the fire escape at the crack of dawn with bedhead and suspiciously swollen lips~ Not even breakfast, Dickie~? For shame…"
"Shit," He mumbled to himself. "You're not going to tell the others, are you?"
Catwoman chuckled, "Of course not. I'm the cool mom after all, aren't I?"
Dick nodded dutifully, "The coolest."
"They grow up so fast…" Penguin said, pretending to sigh.
"I know, right? I swear it was just yesterday that I first heard 'Holy Guacamole!' from the shadows," A mook cut in, sniffling. As far as I could tell, he WASN'T pretending.
"Ugh, not the 'Holy Guacamole'…" Dick groaned. "I was eight, for golly-goshness sake!"
"And your sense of humor still hasn't grown at all, it seems," I sniped.
"Of course it has," Dick replied almost absently. "I was an amateur back then. I've developed my craft with age."
"Hey, Mikey! What was it Nightwing called ya when ya were running from him the other night?" A mook called out off to the side.
Another mook called in reply, "A summer-seasoned lemon-sucker!"
We all turned back to Dick with raised eyebrows, "Developed your craft, huh?"
Dick held his head unrepentantly high, "I happen to think that's a pretty good one."
Lucifer's honest chuckle drew attention to him. Which was a feat since he had the 'best' seat in the house, right across the bar from me. Yet 'somehow', he'd gone completely unnoticed until he wanted to be.
Almost immediately upon seeing the new face, a mook slung a friendly arm around Lucifer's shoulder, "I don't think I recognize ya here, partner. First time? Don't worry yer pretty boy blond head. We'll set ya straight after Mr. Barkeep blows yer mind with a story or two."
The mook was VERY friendly and utterly unaware of the danger he was in. Well, maybe danger wasn't the right word but I still laughed like a fool on the inside to see some random mook trying to act like a 'big homie' to the literal Devil.
Surprisingly, Lucifer didn't flip out on the guy. He just smiled. Mainly because of the joke I could see him setting up, I think. Otherwise, I doubt he would have been so agreeable to having his personal space invaded like this.
Lucifer chuckled unassumingly, "It is, indeed, my first time. I'm finding the Dead End to be a most fascinating establishment though."
"Yeah, it do be that! Well, just stick with old Georgie here and I'll show ya the ropes," The mook - Georgie - laughed boisterously, jabbing a proud thumb at his own chest.
"That's quite kind of you," Lucifer praised humbly. "Georgie, you say?"
"That's right!" Georgie nodded. "What's yer name, partner?"
Lucifer's smirk finally leaked through the act slightly as he 'innocently' introduced himself, "Lucifer, my friend. Lucifer Morningstar. A pleasure, I'm sure."
Activity at the bar stopped on a dime. So slowly I could have sworn I heard necks creaking, everyone turned to stare at Lucifer. And stare… And stare some more as their minds struggled to come to terms with the Truth of the Dead End's latest guest.
As if flash frozen in time and space, Georgie all but shit his pants on the spot. He couldn't move, couldn't even squeak. He had his arm around the Devil. The literal Devil. And he was trying to act all cool and friendly. To. The. Literal. Devil…
"Oh, fuck…" Georgie murmured breathlessly. "Father Garcia is going to kill me."
"Really?" Lucifer asked, amused. "Well, that's just a shame. To waste such a friendly soul… Tsk tsk. Don't worry, Georgie. I'll be more than happy to welcome you in my half of the afterlife neighborhood."
Georgie whimpered at a loss for words. He looked like his eyes were about to roll back in his head. As if he were only moments away from fainting outright. Thankfully his immortal soul's sake, Didi came to his rescue.
"Oh, stop bullying the poor man, cousin Luci," She chided. "You have nothing to worry about, Mr. Georgie. Lucifer here is retired. He doesn't even run Hell anymore. He's just poking your buttons in jest."
Georgie suddenly sagged as if all the air went out of him. Amusingly, this just made him lean against Lucifer even harder. It made him look like he was drawing support from the Devil. Which just made what he said next so much funnier.
He laughed a loud sound full of relief, "Thank fucking God for that!"
"Uh, Georgie? Buddy? Your, uh… Your arm…?" Another mook pointed out.
Georgie slowly looked at his arm, still around Lucifer's shoulder. And then at how he was leaning against the Light-Bringer. His mind seemed to buffer for a few long moments. Suddenly, Georgie practically jumped out of his skin, yelping.
"Aieep! Fuck, man, my apologies and all that! I ain't mean no disrespect or nothing!"
Lucifer chuckled slowly, sounding more menacing than he needed to. Everyone at the bar could see poor Georgie start to sweat. Lucifer's laughter grew more genuine and much less menacing at that. I joined him, finally losing my composure at his whole reveal.
"My, my," Lucifer mused between chuckles. "I think I have to thank you for this opportunity, Sean. That was EXTREMELY amusing."
"For you, you mean?" I 'asked'. "I think you nearly gave your poor victim a heart attack, Lucifer."
"I-I-… I think… I need to sit down. And drown myself in booze for the rest of the night," Georgie stuttered.
"You're tab's on the house, Georgie," I offered. "Thanks for being such a good sport. Try not to stress yourself out too much over Luci's antics, yeah?"
Shaking slightly, he sat back down at the bar, "T-Thanks, Mr. Barkeep… I'll… I'll try."
"So… the Devil, huh?" Two-Face asked rhetorically. "I'll be honest, I thought I still had a good few years before I met him."
"Well, I suppose it's just your lucky night," Lucifer joked cockily, sipping his drink as if nothing was wrong in the world.
"What are you doing here… Mr. Maker…? Can I call you that?" Penguin asked, surprisingly casual in tone and demeanor. "Friend of Sean? Or just visiting Miss Didi?"
"Just call me Lucifer," He hummed. "You're quite calm about all this, Mr. Cobblepot."
Penguin just shrugged, "Jewish."
Lucifer nodded as if that explained everything, "Ah, yes, of course."
"Huh?" A mook asked 'intelligently'.
"In Judaism, he's considered the head of the Satans, instead of Satan proper. Still considered evil. But not THE direct opposition of JHVH. He acts more as an Angel of Death and Accuser. I'm actually more familiar with his role before Falling. But I'm not about to refer to him by THAT name since I still quite like living," Penguin explained matter-of-factly.
"Yes, thank you for that," Lucifer drawled in lazy amusement. "Anyhow, I'm mostly here for Sean and Didi, yes. Didi is something of a… distant relative. And since Sean is her Prince Consort, I thought I might come and visit. Of course, it helps that he extended a pleasant invitation to me."
"You. INVITED. the Devil. To the Dead End…?" Dick asked me, his tone and body language strained.
I looked at him as if he'd said something very strange, "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"
"No idea… No idea why inviting the Devil to GOTHAM might be a bad idea…? No idea at all…?!" Dick was starting to sound like Barbara now.
Lucifer chuckled, "This city is quite special. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't have a hand in it, given how completely and utterly cursed the land here is."
"Only in Gotham," A mook sighed.
"Yeah, that sounds about right."
"I don't know if that makes how fucked up the city is worse or better…"
"I think I'd rather have it the other way 'round. At least then we could blame all of our usual bullshit on the city being quite literally damned."
"Unfortunately, Gotham is just how Father intended," Lucifer smirked.
"Fuck."
"Fuck."
"Fuck."
Catwoman's chuckle came out more than a little resigned, "I'm not even surprised by that literal revelation."
"I did warn you this city was cursed," I pointed out.
"And yet, we all still call this place home," Dick mumbled to himself. "We're all a touch touched in the heads, aren't we?"
"You said it, not me," Lucifer quipped, smug and amused.
"Hey, Mr. Barkeep?" A goon asked, changing the subject off Gothem's cursed insanity. "You got any funny stories about the Devil to lighten the mood?"
I nodded, making a note to cover their tab for the night as well as payment for the timely suggestion, "I may have a few. Lucifer is hardly the first Lucifer I've met."
"Oho~? Now, you've piqued my interest, Sean," Lucifer said, leaning forward casually to rest an elbow on the bar and his head on his hand.
"Let's see," I considered. "Two lives come to mind. Now, which one should I tell…?"
"Heads or tails, boys?" Two-Face joked, grinning.
"Both. I think we're going to need both."
"When we're drinking with the Devil? We're going to need all the humor and insanity we can get."
"Yeah, don't hold back, Mr. Barkeep. Blow our minds so sitting next to Lucifer doesn't seem so Goddamn terrifying."
"Little ol' me~?" Lucifer grinned. "Surely, you're exaggerating~"
The three mooks who had spoken paused and stared at Lucifer. As did a good portion of the others. They stared at his constant cocky expression. And the way the air seemed to smolder about him if you looked in just the right way. And those fiery brimstone eyes burning with wicked amusement.
As one, the entire audience at the bar shivered, "You got a third story in you by any chance, Mr. Barkeep?"
I chuckled, "I think two will be more than enough. Especially considering the one I start with. It should make old Luci here seem much less intimidating."
"Oh, come now, I'm not THAT bad," Lucifer practically purred. His grin and the expression on his face said otherwise.
Enough so that Didi stopped what she was doing to poke him with an accusatory finger, retorting, "No, cousin Luci, you're worse. Now, please, rein in your aura and stop terrifying the mortals."
"As you wish, little Didi," Lucifer complied, still grinning the entire time.
"Man," A mook muttered. "Death and the Devil… Life's gotten kind of weird these last few months."
Two-Face nodded in agreement, "Even for Gotham."
"Right, let's see if I can't make you all think of Lucifer as something other than the big scary Devil," I said.
Lucifer seemed more entertained than offended by that prospect, "Do your worst, Sean."
I grinned, wicked enough to match the Devil, "Oh, I intend to. Let me tell you all the story of my adventure in Hell. One of several, in fact. I seem to end up there quite often.
"This time, I went there with a dream. A driving motivation that pushed me eternally onward. Nothing would sway me from my path. I wouldn't stop until I reached my ultimate goal. Let me tell you about my time as the Helltaker… And my dream of having a harem of demon girls."
The reactions to how I prefaced my story were certainly diverse. Didi sighed fondly, shaking her head and busying herself with cleaning a glass. Lucifer laughed out loud. Some of the mooks, who had been leaning forward in anticipation of a good story, fell flat. Their faces hit the bar top in comedic surprise.
But Cass' reaction was perhaps my favorite…
"()"
"(ᗒ ᗨᗕ)"
She 'said' it best, going wide-eyed with interest. Then she laughed silently at what my words did to the rest of my audience.
Dick's reaction was a close second though. He stopped and honestly considered my words, "Huh… You know, that honestly doesn't sound too bad. Not too bad at all…"
Catwoman stopped him with a hand over his mouth, shaking her head seriously, "No, Dick. Bad, Dick. There is no way in Hell you need a demon girl harem. You can't even take responsibility for your one-night stands. I love you, Dick, but you're a bit of a fuckboy. Demon girls will literally tear you apart and damn your soul. Leave them to the experienced and insane. Like Mr. Barkeep here."
"You didn't have to do me like that…" Dick pouted slightly.
"She's right, you know," I said wisely. "Life with a demon girl harem was short and painful. I'd do it again in a heartbeat."
"So it was worth it?"
"So fucking worth it."
"You're doing a pretty poor job of dissuading him from the idea," Catwoman deadpanned.
I looked at her in confusion, "I was supposed to be dissuading him?"
Lucifer chuckled, "As amusing as young Nightwing's delusions of haremic grandeur are, I'd like to hear more about your time in Hell, Sean. Please, continue."
I nodded, "Through sheer spite and gumption, I managed to piece together a portal to Hell. On the first level, I met Pandemonica. She worked in Hell's customer service department. As such, she was also referred to as the 'Tired Demon'."
A mook laughed, "Shit, I'd be tired too if I had to work customer service again."
"She probably had it so much worse than with mortal customer service too," Another mook commented.
"Yeah, Karens are bad enough. Damned Karens? That's a special kind of Hell."
"Hey, Luci," A particularly bold mook called out. "Does Pandemonica exist in our Hell? I feel the need to give the poor girl an extra extra large coffee for some reason."
Lucifer waved dismissively, "I'm sure I don't know. I can't be expected to remember all of the underlings. Besides, I'm retired."
"It's funny that you should mention coffee," I chuckled. "That's exactly how I 'tamed' Pandemonica."
The bold mook hesitated, "Huh… Is it weird that I kinda wanna give her the coffee more now?"
He was quickly inundated with laughs and good-natured jeers. I continued my story over the commotion, "On the second level of Hell, I met Modeus, the Lustful Demon. She immediately demanded I drop my pants and fuck her into a demonic coma. I refused. 'No time. Busy gathering girls'."
"… Based."
"(·ω·)b" Cass gave me a thumbs-up. 'Great success!'
Lucifer chuckled, "Yes, that sounds about par for the course for Asmodeus. That horny old They/Them…"
"And that worked?" Two-Face asked incredulously.
"A little too well," I chuckled. "Modeus was an absolute freak. All of the girls were but she might as well have been a succubus. The 'leave you shriveled up and dead' kind. She started friction fires just from masturbating. Several times."
Dick nodded sagely, "Death by Snu-Snu. Nice."
"After recruiting Modeus, I made my way down to level three. There, I met Cerberus, the Triple Demon."
"Uh… Isn't Cerberus Greek?"
I shook my head, "Not this Cerberus. Though she did have three heads. It was a 'three bodies, one soul' kind of deal. She was actually the easiest demon girl to 'tame'. She was curious enough about humans that she just asked to go with me.
"On level four, I met Malina, the Sour Demon. She was an irritable, constantly grumpy girl with a love for drinking and turn-based strategy games. She just wanted someone to play with her."
"A gamer girl. Exquisite taste, Mr. Barkeep," Penguin raised his glass to me in a toast.
"Level five introduced me to Zdrada, the Bitch Demon."
"Bitch Demon?" A mook laughed incredulously.
"She was actually much more pleasant than she sounds," I explained. "If you could get over her S tendencies, of course."
"Ah," He nodded in understanding. "That kind of bitch."
"Now, you might be noticing something of a pattern. Level six broke it slightly. There, I met Azazel, the Curious Angel."
"Azazel?" Lucifer asked, visibly enjoying my story so far. "Well, isn't that a surprise? Please tell me you pushed them to Fall."
"Ehh, that wasn't really my fault," I said, waving my hand so-so. "She was curious enough to do that on her own. Turns out that assigning an Angel to record every sin in existence is a bad idea. Who knew?"
Lucifer barked a laugh at that, "Oh, that is rich!"
"Azazel followed me easily enough because she wanted to research and document the other demons," I explained. "Then on level seven, I met Justice, the Awesome Demon. Nice girl. Real laid back. And blind, funnily enough. She didn't even try to kill me once."
"I suppose for a demon girl, that's something of an accomplishment," Catwoman quipped.
"It was," I nodded. "Now, for the demon girl you've all been waiting for. On level eight, I finally met Lucifer, CEO of Hell. The Devil stood before me and asked me to kneel. I didn't. Instead, I 'tamed' her. I offered her something more powerful than anything Hell had to offer. I tamed the Devil… with pancakes."
"Pan… cakes…?" Crickets could have been heard in the Dead End.
"Not just any pancakes," I added. "Chocolate pancakes."
Lucifer adopted a considering expression, "I do quite like pancakes."
The rest of my audience at the bar just stared at him in utter disbelief. They REALLY didn't seem to know how to deal with that information.
"I don't know if that makes him less intimidating or more somehow…" Someone muttered.
Didi hummed in agreement, "They are a very good comfort food. Sean's especially."
"Do… Do I have to add this to the file?" Dick asked, not really directing the question at anybody. "The fact that nigh-omnipotent beings seem to be tamed by pancakes?"
"Batman's going to have kittens if pancakes ever turn out to be the last hope that saves the world," Catwoman chortled.
"Shit, I know what I'm doing if someone stupid-powerful comes knocking," Two-Face said, somewhere between a grunt and a laugh.
"(_)" Cass suddenly stared at me with dark, evil eyes. 'It seems I will have to turn to the dark side to get my hands on the legendary chocolate pancakes. I will bring the world to the brink of destruction until the only hope of stopping me is unlimited pancakes! My reign of terror will start with Mr. Barkeep. Give me strength and forgive me… I know what I must do… '
"Man… Is it still weird to anyone else that you can understand her PERFECTLY?" A mook asked. "Like, that was a whole-ass speech! And I'm pretty sure I still got it all!"
"ƪ( ƪ)" Cass began approaching me with an adorably menacing snarl on her face. 'Grrrrrrr~!'
"I know what you mean," Another mook nodded to the first. "Sometimes, she says a whole monologue with a single expression and sometimes she says something like that. It's like my brain can't help but translate for her."
"Well, boys," Dick shook his head sadly. "It's been a good run. But if Cass has turned to evil, there's no hope for any of us."
"This fuckin' bar, man…" Two-Face grunted. "You never learn how weird the Bats are when they're just beating you up."
"Don't forget the company," Lucifer smirked, raising his glass in a toast. "I doubt the Dead End would be complete without it."
"Where else are you going to have a drink with the Devil while one of the Bat kids turns to evil?" Penguin joked.
While they bantered in the background, Cass finally pounced on me. The horror! The humanity!… I quickly subdued her into a drooling mess with an ample application of almost vicious headpats.
"( ﹃ )" 'Eheheheheh~… '
Chapter 29
A great darkness clouded the land. Cruel. Menacing. Terrifying. And utterly adorable. Cass had turned to the dark side. To evil. She threatened everything we held dear! Who, oh, who would stop her?!
I had no choice but to step up to the plate. I was the only one who stood between the rest of the world and voluntary mute chaos. I stood steadfast against her wicked ways. And so, Cass' reign of terror was averted. It took a sacrifice on my part, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make!
In the end, I did make her some pancakes after my headpats - surprisingly - proved to be not enough. They only held her evil ambitions at bay temporarily. And the pout she gave me whenever I tried to stop could have been categorized as a deadly weapon. I had no choice but to cave to her villainous demands.
Thankfully, the goddess Didi was there to hold the line while I quickly whipped up a batch of chocolate pancakes. Even her legendary headpats were barely enough. Our audience watched helplessly, unable to do anything even when they knew their adorable doom was standing right in front of them.
As soon as I placed a plate in front of Cass, she gave up her evil ways. A great pyramid of rolled-up chocolate crepes made her eyes light up with stars. Almost literally, considering Cass' fluency with body language. And finally, the Dark Lord Cass was pacified.
"(*)" The adorable beast was satisfied with her 'victory', digging into the pyramid-pile of pancakes with great gusto.
Didi and I returned from our quest as heroes. With our heads held high and justice in our hearts. Our audience just stared, confusion and disbelief thick in the air between them all. I shook my head. They didn't even know the horrors we'd saved them from.
Dick and Catwoman seemed to understand, at least. They gave us thankful nods for dealing with the threat to humanity that an adorably evil Cass represented. Lucifer raised a toast for us, INTENSELY amused by the whole situation.
"Now!" I clapped. "Where were we?"
The audience glanced at Cass, who already had her cheeks full and puffed out with chocolate pancakes like a chipmunk. They looked back at me. Then at Lucifer, remembering that the literal Devil was sitting with them at the bar. A few viscerally shivered at that information but my first story of the night seemed to have done some good in accustoming them all to Lucifer's presence.
"You were telling us about your demon girl harem. Was it completed with the addition of the female version of Lucifer?" Penguin asked, seeming to take a pragmatic and accepting approach to the situation.
His calm approach helped some of the others ignore Cass' short but monstrous reign of terror. They tried their best to put the adorably menacing, now-chipmunk-esque Bat out of their mind. A few mooks nodded and one spoke.
"Yeah, and I'm curious what happened next. What could possibly follow up taming the 'CEO of Hell' with pancakes?"
"What IS life with a harem of demon girls really like?" Dick wondered aloud.
I nodded, "Right, of course. There was one more demon girl I tamed during my time in that Hell. Judgment, the High Prosecutor of Hell. She was another Fallen Angel, actually. Adorable and quite kind beneath her chuuni demonic persona. She was the only one I ended up fighting and that's just because she was really committed to her job."
"Chuuni?" Two-Face asked, his face half scrunched up in confusion.
"Overly dramatic, middle-schooler syndrome," Penguin explained. "You know the kids who never really grew out of their childish fantasies even in high school and stuff? The ones who played heroes and villains long after society says they should have stopped?"
"So all of Gotham's cape population?" A mook snorted.
Penguin waved his hand so-so, "Sort of. I'd hesitate to label most of the Rogues as chuuni because a lot of us genuinely do have something wrong with our heads. Chuuni is more 'theater kid on steroids' than actual mental illness."
"There's also the 'cringe' aspect to consider," I added. "If you can actually back up your theatrics, it stops being chuuni."
"Exactly!" Penguin agreed with a snap.
"Anyway," I continued with the aftermath of my story. "After collecting Judgment, me and my harem of demon girls went back to Earth. And we all lived happily ever after… Until Modeus managed to accidentally kill me, of course."
"Death by Snu-Snu?" Dick asked with a wince.
"You'd think so. But she just tripped me with her tail by accident and I landed on my neck wrong."
My audience blinked, "That's… anti-climatic."
I chuckled, "Tell me about it. Of course, there was plenty of chaos before that point. To this day, I still don't know if I managed to get myself a proper harem or just nine very rowdy roommates. Either way, I had a lot of fun with them all. They were good girls, even if they were demons."
"Huh. That's what counts for a happy ending with demon girls?"
"It was a good life. Sometimes, whether or not you had fun is all that really matters in the end."
The audience fell silent for a few moments, considering my words. I used the chance to catch up on a bit of bar work that both had and hadn't already happened thanks to the Dead End's Death causality fuckery.
Lucifer casually sipped at his drink, the glass refilling even as he did, "Excellent story. I quite enjoyed hearing about my dimensional counterpart. Something like that would have really livened up my time in Hell."
"You, uh… You don't have a problem with Mr. Barkeep… fucking the female version of you?" A mook asked hesitantly.
"Oh, goodness, no," Lucifer chuckled. "We may have shared the same name, but she wasn't me. That much was made very obvious by the fact that she hadn't retired before Sean came along. I DESPISED running Hell."
The mook just blinked at that, "Huh, you learn something new every day."
"I mean, truly," Lucifer continued. "Who would enjoy running Hell? The paperwork. The same thing eon after eon. And don't even get me STARTED on the company! Hell is a pathetically deplorable place to spend eternity."
His words gave more than a few in the audience pause, "I… may need to go back to church at some point."
Lucifer smirked menacingly, "For what good that will do you~…"
"Shit… Still worth a shot though, right…?"
I nodded, answering before Lucifer could crush their spirits further, "It is. Anything to avoid an afterlife in Hell. I've been there. Being a Sinner isn't worth the short-term fun."
The mooks shifted uncomfortably and someone spoke up to change the subject, "Hey, Mr. Barkeep? You said you had two stories about Lucifer. Any chance we can get the second one now?"
"Sure, I don't see why not. Though…" I hummed in consideration. "I think that story will have to be told a bit differently than the usual. It all really started in a somewhat unique way… I lived. And then I died."
Catwoman laughed, "Yes, I can see how that would make the story a bit hard to tell."
I grinned, "Indeed. Now, I was well and truly dead. And instead of my usual routine after death, I was sent to Hell this time. There, I lived again as a Sinner. I had plenty of chaotic adventures in that literal Hellhole but this story focuses on someone special. Let me tell you about the daughter of Lucifer Morningstar."
"Oho~?" Lucifer chuckled with interest. "Once again, Mr. Barkeep. You have my attention~…"
An idea suddenly occurred to me, "Actually, Luci, you might be able to help me with this story. Think you can open a dimensional portal if I show you where to put it?"
"I don't see why not," He said. "But no one other than me will be able to come and go through it. Will that be a problem?"
I waved dismissively, "Not at all. This is more of a dimensional phone call than a physical visit. If I wanted to bring that Hell to this Earth, I'd do it myself."
"Oh, God…" Dick paled.
"Not that I plan to," I reassured. "I have my ways of doing so but I think I'm a bit out of practice. It'll be easier all around if Lucifer opens the portal to my specifications. He'll likely be much more accurate than me and it'll assure everyone that things won't spiral out of control due to my outside influence."
"I can't believe the Devil is the more reasonable option in this situation…" Dick mumbled to himself. He shook his head, "Alright, fine. I very much doubt I could stop either of you. Just… please don't let this run out of control on my watch. Babs would never let me live it down."
"And she's already going to be prickly enough just knowing the Devil showed up at the bar," I said knowingly.
"Yeah," Dick sighed. "I'm REALLY not looking forward to writing up this report."
"Ah, paperwork," Lucifer shook his head fondly. "Truly, my greatest work."
"If anyone had any doubts that he was really the Devil, that would have put them dead to rest…" A mook muttered.
"ಠ_ಠ" Cass actually stopped eating her pancakes to stare dead at Lucifer. 'You've made an eternal enemy here today, Devil… '
"Huh… I wonder how that works?" I mused aloud.
Penguin took the bait, asking, "How what works?"
"Well, I've certainly encountered paperwork before. In every single one of my lives. Enough so that I've started thinking about it as one of the constants of existence," I explained.
A mook shook his head, "Mr. Barkeep, that question is so far above our pay grades it ain't even funny."
"Constants of existence…?" Another asked, sounding like he didn't want to know what that answer would be.
I nodded wisely, "Death, Taxes, Paperwork, Spaghetti Westerns, and Shrek. There are more. But those are the ones I've encountered recently."
My audience just stared at me with blank, uncomprehending faces. Did this count as Eldritch knowledge? Barbara did ask me to be more careful with sharing that stuff so casually. Uh, oops…?
Lucifer chuckled, "I believe it's rather simple, really. I created paperwork here. Someone or something else created it everywhere else you've been, Sean. And if I didn't do it here, the same thing would have happened. It is, after all, a Constant of Existence."
"Like… Spaghetti Westerns…?"
"Yeah, Shrek, I could at least understand. Specifically, Italian Westerns seems like a bit of a stretch."
"You can understand Shrek?!"
I shook my head, "I never said Italian. I said Spaghetti. And Westerns doesn't always mean cowboys and the like. It can mean anything based on whatever 'West' exists. As for Shrek… I have no good explanation for that one. Honestly, even I try not to think about it too much."
"… My head hurts for some reason."
"Can… Can we change the subject?"
"That might be for the best," Didi came to everyone's rescue. "Let's leave the talk of Existential Constants for now, Dear. Give the mortal minds a break. I'm rather curious what you mean to do by having Lucifer open a dimensional phone call."
"I don't know if showing them all something past the Source Wall is giving their mortal minds a break," I chuckled. "What I'm trying to do is simple though. I just want to have a little reunion. And I thought Lucifer might like to meet his daughter."
Lucifer smiled in interest, "I do, at that. I'm usually very careful about that kind of thing with my mortal conquests. And if I made Mazikeen carry a baby for nine months, she would rip out my wings. Meeting my dimension counterpart's daughter will be simply… fascinating~…"
Didi squinted at both of us, unconvinced, "Hmmmmmmm…"
"If it helps," Lucifer said. "I do believe my daughter - even dimensionally displaced as she will be - would count as something of a niece for you, Didi."
Didi's mood did a u-turn so fast it gave everyone watching whiplash, "Sold! What are we waiting for~? Hurry, hurry, I have a new niece to spoil!"
As it so happened, Alice had stumbled into the bar just before Didi said that. It seemed she was only just now getting up from her after-school nap and coming down to work. That was fine. Didi and I didn't police her too much on that. She really only worked at the Dead End as a token method of 'paying her way'. As long as she made an appearance at the bar, Didi and I left her to manage her own schedule, especially with her just now starting school again.
Still, she came in to hear Didi's excitement at a 'new niece' and instantly exclaimed in jealous horror, "Mom?!"
"Oh, Alice! Perfect timing! Come over here, we're just about to meet your new cousin. And you should meet your uncle Luci as well. Oh, this is all so exciting~! The family's growing so fast!" Didi rambled eagerly, beckoning Alice over behind the bar.
Alice obeyed her mother, coming in for a grumbling, still slightly jealous hug of greeting. She turned a suspicious stare onto Lucifer, who was watching her with fiery, crackling amusement.
"Who's this supposed to be?" She asked.
Lucifer extended a hand to her over the bar, "Lucifer Morningstar. Charmed to meet you, little Alice. And may I just say, welcome to the Cosmic Family."
Alice's eyes lit up at his introduction but she tried to play it cool. She shrugged, "Cool. Devil and stuff. Nice to meet you and all that."
"Oh, you are just a treat," Lucifer chuckled.
"Whatever…"
"Wonderful! You two are getting along perfectly!" Didi clapped happily, ignoring Alice's embarrassed grumbles. "Now, Sean, Luci, make with the doing and the things! Quickly, please, I have a niece to meet!"
Lucifer and I both smiled at her infectious excitement. Didi was hard to resist at the best of times. When she got worked up like this about family? You might as well give up entirely.
With a thought, I brought the dimension to the front of my mind. I didn't know its exact 'address', so to speak, but I had a ballpark estimate of where it could be found in the Void Between. Enough that I didn't think Lucifer would have much trouble finding it, especially not with the dimensional resonance of his counterpart and that Hell.
Catching Lucifer's eye, I pushed the memory forward. He accepted it easily and graciously, not even trying to dig any deeper into my mind. Good. That would have been… unpleasant. Both for me and for him, I suspect. My mind was in no way helpless, even against someone like him.
Lucifer paused, considered for a moment, and then nodded. Something intangible reached BEYOND in a way that was simply indescribable. It made the others at the bar shift uncomfortably, even if they didn't know exactly why. Even with the unique nature of the Dead End, there was no way they could see the Truth of one of the most powerful beings in their multiverse reaching past the Source Wall.
Only Didi, Alice, and I got a taste of what Lucifer was truly doing. Didi and I were used to this kind of power being thrown around. Alice very much wasn't. Her eyes went wide in awe, excitement, and profound disbelief. Her magic - so powerful in its own right - tried its best to trace what Lucifer was doing. It fell far short.
The scent of sulfur filled the air, almost unnoticeable except to the most sensitive of noses. A LIGHT, from nowhere and everywhere, shined upon the Dead End. Dimly at first. It slowly rose like the morning sun.
As something inexplicable changed within the Dead End, a random mook asked a nervous question, "You know, I've been wonderin' for a while now. Who's more powerful between the two of ya? Lucifer or Death?"
Lucifer chuckled as he 'worked', "That's an interesting question. I'm actually older than Didi by a considerable margin. My Father, brother, and I were around before Creation itself. But Didi and I are both essentially omnipotent in our fields. My field just happens to be a bit wider than hers. In pure power, I think-…"
Didi cut him off, still riding high on the prospect of meeting her 'new niece', "Nah, I'd win."
The intently listening audience gaped at her for a moment. Lucifer snorted in unexpected humor. His 'spell' actually faltered for the briefest of instants as Didi's blunt statement of confidence managed to disrupt his concentration. Shaking his head, the 'spell' resumed just as quickly
He laughed, "In a way, perhaps. She'll likely be there when I do eventually die, waiting to walk me to whatever afterlife awaits us. But since only Father can possibly hope to destroy me, the point is kind of moot."
There was a pause as everyone tried to process the exchange that had just taken place. Didi's almost uncharacteristically joking not-joke. Lucifer's casual confirmation that even the Devil could die, if only at the hand of his Creator. The unthinkable idea of an afterlife for beings like both of them.
The only appropriate reaction was a resounding… "Fuck."
"For real, man. Never thought I'd be in anything close to this situation."
"Even in Gotham."
"This is our life now," Dick sighed. "Learning Cosmic level lore from the Devil and Death herself. Not to mention whatever Sean asked Lucifer to do…"
Catwoman looked at her drink - the virgin White Russian - and scoffed, "For once, I don't believe just cream is enough to soothe my nerves."
"( •́ •̀)" Cass made a strange, confused, kind of scrunched-up face. 'Weird. Too much thinking. Too many revelations. Let me eat my pancake prize in peace. No one wants to hear about the Devil's daddy issues… '
"I kind of do," Penguin mused. "In a sort of morbid curiosity way."
"'Daddy issues' doesn't even begin to cover my relationship with Father," Lucifer chuckled, surprisingly good-natured about the subject. "Even after billions of years, we never seem to see eye to eye."
"I think that's more because the two of you are too SIMILAR rather than the opposite," I commented.
"That's-…" Lucifer paused. "Huh. I've never considered it that way. You may just be right. Michael and I were the first two beings He created in His image… Two halves to His whole… I can't deny the idea that the reason we don't always get along is because He sees Himself in me."
"It does make sense, cousin Luci," Didi added. "Having met both of you from a somewhat outside perspective, I can safely say that you're more alike than you realize. Even with your historic differences."
Lucifer thought on the subject for a moment longer before shaking his head, "Food for thought. For later. We have something much more interesting to focus on at the moment."
"Hearing about THE Biblical Family like this is throwing all of my beliefs for a loop," Two-Face grumbled.
"Ah, there we are," Lucifer muttered, thankfully changing the subject off of biblical lore straight from the Devil's mouth.
He didn't so much as wave his hand. And still, reality - Creation - unraveled before him. He kept the phenomenon contained and under control. That didn't change the fact that something far beyond the mortal ken was happening in the Dead End. Actually… what else was new?
An image was briefly superimposed over Lucifer's mortal form. Wings of LIGHT exploded from his back. PURE LIGHT. They only lasted a moment. A single moment that was long enough to sear Divinity into the audience's mind. Even the weakest wisp of that Divinity was enough to mark everyone's souls.
"Oh, holy fuck…"
"Literally," Dick deadpanned, blinking LIGHT from his eyes.
Thankfully, Didi was there to mitigate any collateral damage from Lucifer's multiversal power. With just a hum, she soothed all of the souls in the Dead End. The warm touch of an old friend lifted the unbearably Divine weight.
"Careful, Luci," Didi reminded, gently and calmly. "We have an audience here."
"Ah, apologies," Lucifer didn't lower himself to regret but he did apologize. "I'm unused to working this grandly around mortals."
"()" Cass threw her hands up dramatically. 'My mind burns with godly power! I! Am! Immortal!'
I calmed her with generous headpats, "There, there, Cass. This will pass. Focus on your pancakes, not the LIGHT."
Lucifer chuckled and finally, the air behind me split right down the middle. Trails of fire and LIGHT crafted a portal, a window in mid-air. The aperture in time and space finished connecting to something BEYOND. Still patting Cass, I turned to face it, ready for what awaited us on the other side.
A scene came into view. What looked for all intents and purposes to be a hotel lobby. In it, a lovely young woman stood, biting her lip cutely as she read through a handful of documents. She hadn't noticed us or the portal yet.
She was tall and slender. Blonde and beautiful, even if that beauty carried a subtly inhuman hue. Her skin was so pale it might as well have been white. Adorable blush spots adorned her cheeks. Slightly yellowed eyes focused intently on the task at hand. From the way she was biting her lip, a pair of fangs could be seen in her mouth.
Spoiler: Charlie
[img: https/i./564x/22/8e/19/228e19f99c14ed139757a010514bbb40.jpg]
Clearing my throat, I pulled the attention of the Princess of Hell onto me, "Charlie?"
Her head swiveled up to look at me - at us - in instant recognition. Charlie Morningstar gasped, "Sean?! You're human again! And alive!"
I heard a mook mutter a question in the background, "Uh, why was 'alive' an afterthought…?"
"Hell, man. Keep up with the program," Another mook scoffed.
I smiled at my old friend and former landlord, "Hey, Charlie. Long time, no see. At least, for me, it has been."
Charlie cocked her head, "Really? It's only been a few days since you died again."
"I hope no one's too broken up about that. As you can see, I got better," I joked.
Big, almost comedic tears welled up in Charlie's eyes, "Oh, it was just terrible, Sean! I cried all day! Even Vaggie said she missed you!"
"Really?" I asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. I knew how unlikely that was.
"Err… Well, she was thinking it! I know she was!" Charlie quickly reassured.
"That sounds more like the Vaggie I remember," I chuckled.
"It's so good to see you again~!" Charlie eagerly changed the subject. "I know you always said you'd be fine but still! I don't know how you managed it… But I'm glad you did~!"
I smirked, "I have my ways. And I had a little help finding you now. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. I should introduce you to everyone and tell you what I've been getting up to lately. Wanna meet the new gang, Charlie?"
"Do I ever~!" Charlie exclaimed excitedly.
"I'll introduce you first to make this whole thing easier. Ladies and gentlemen," I began, stepping slightly aside so everyone had a clear view of Charlie. "Meet Charlie Morningstar. Daughter of Lucifer and Lilith. Crown Princess of Hell. My former landlord. And one of the kindest, most caring souls I've ever met."
"Oh, stop~!" Charlie blushed, clutching her cheeks and wiggling in place at my praise. "You always say the nicest things~! I still remember the first time you told me you believed in my dream. You were the first other than Vaggie, you know…"
She sighed fondly. I grinned, "You know, I'm actually doing something similar to your passion project these days. It's a bar instead of a hotel and it's more of a neutral ground project than rehabilitation. But we've still rehabilitated a fair few villains so far."
Charlie teared up again, "Oh, Sean, you're going to make me cry~… That's so sweet~! It's… It's going well…?"
"It is. There's hope for your dream yet, Charlie," I said, smiling at her softly.
Charlie's face lit up with a beaming smile. Happy tears still welled up in her eyes. But everything about her expression showed her heritage. Like Lucifer, Charlie brought LIGHT everywhere she went. She just went about it in her own unique way.
"Ready to meet everyone?" I asked.
She nodded eagerly, visibly full of so much emotion that even CHARLIE couldn't express it all. And that was something of an achievement. She was quite literally glowing with pride and happiness.
"These are the mooks," I introduced, waving at everyone crowded around the bar. "Say 'hi', everyone."
"Hello, Miss Charlie," They all chorused as one.
"Oh, that's so cute~! Are they some kind of hivemind~?" Charlie asked curiously.
"No hivemind," I chuckled. "They're just used to my antics at this point. I've trained them well. Now, these are some of our villains. Two-Face, Penguin, and Catwoman. Two-Face and Penguin haven't technically been redeemed but we'll get them one of these days."
Two-Face snorted, "Fat chance."
"Eh, more like 50-50," Penguin quipped with a smirk, poking fun at the other villain.
Charlie smiled, "And what about Miss Catwoman there~?"
"Selina redeemed herself all on her own for a piece of Mr. tall, dark, brooding, and currently absent," I said. "I didn't have to lift a finger with her."
"What can I say?" Catwoman shrugged. "My Bat is very persistent. Resisting him is like resisting a brick wall. A big, sexy, growly brick wall."
"I completely understand," Charlie nodded vigorously. "Though, I prefer them short, spunky, and supportive."
"Next, we have our resident heroes - for tonight, at least. This is Dick-…"
"Hello," Dick simply waved.
"And this is Cass," I finished.
"( w)Ψ" Cass briefly looked up from her pancakes to greet Charlie. 'Mmmmmm~ Hello.'
Charlie's eyes went wide, her pupils blowing up, "Neuron… Activation~! Oh. My. Stars~! She's adorable~!"
"And deadly," I quickly added to soothe Cass' feelings.
"•̀.̫ •́" Cass nodded proudly. 'Damn straight!'
"Eeeeeeeeeiiiiiii~…" Charlie let out a quiet tightly controlled squeal, watching Cass go back to her pancakes with excited LIGHT in her eyes.
"This is my adopted daughter, Alice," I continued the introductions.
Alice waved lazily, "Yo."
"Spec~tacular~!" Charlie cheered for me. "I'm sure you make a wonderful father, Sean~!"
"Highly debatable," Alice deadpanned.
I chuckled, "Now, I should probably introduce you to my lover before she loses control of her excitement. She's very eager to meet you-…"
Didi cut me off, practically vibrating despite how much she tried to keep a tight lid on her anticipation, "Hello, Charlie~! I'm Death of the Endless. But you can call me Didi. I won't have family calling me by that stuffy old name. Or, if you want, you can call me 'Auntie'!"
Charlie cocked her head, slightly confused, "Auntie? Death?"
"Indeed!" Didi chimed. "Really, we're just distant relatives but you can call me Auntie if you want! I'm very happy to meet you, Charlie. I'm of the opinion that you can never have enough family."
"So am I~!" Charlie's eyes lit up with stars. "It's always only been Mom, Dad, and I. And they aren't together anymore… Dad hasn't been the same since Mom left… And she isn't answering my calls. But I'm happy to hear I have other family members I didn't know about~!"
Didi frowned at the news about Lilith, "Hmm, now, that just isn't right. Cousin Luci, can we do anything about little Charlie's family troubles?"
"Cousin Luci…?" Charlie asked in surprise, realization creeping onto her face.
Lucifer chuckled, "Perhaps. But the real question is if I should. Things there are more complicated than they seem, my dimensionally displaced daughter~… Your story is not yet told. Do you wish for me to spoil it before it has even truly begun~?"
Charlie gaped at Lucifer now that he'd drawn attention to himself. A few emotions flashed across her expressive face. Disbelief. Recognition. Nostalgia. A sliver of hope.
I knew just how complicated Charlie's relationship with her parents could be. Even with how caring and empathetic she was, I had been one of the only people she truly opened up to. Right there alongside her girlfriend Vaggie.
She'd told us about her Dad's depression and the difficulties he had in relating to her. And about her Mom's apparent cold-hearted betrayal and disappearance. The hole Lilith had left in their lives… Now, Lucifer was saying there was more to that story. Did Charlie dare hope…?
As if that was even a question when it came to Charlie Morningstar. Her expression firmed with determination, "No. No, I don't. I have faith in both of them. Dad'll get better. He tries, even now. And Mom will come back.
"The hotel is really starting to get off the ground now! It'll work! I know it will! I've even gotten some big-name Sinners to stay and give redemption a shot~! To spoil our story now would be a disservice to all of us, even if it might end better in the long run. I'm going to believe in my Sinners~! And believe in the me that believes in me~!" Charlie finished on a high note, holding her hands high.
A few of the mooks couldn't help but clap for her, "Woooo!"
"Shit, that was inspiring, girl!"
"The me that believes in me! Damn straight! You can do anything you put your pretty mind to, girlie!"
Lucifer smiled at her, just a bit of pride leaking through his usual cocky expression, "Good choice. I think that will be for the best. But I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. Be warned, my child. There will be ups. There will be downs. Your future - your good ending - is not secure. But I think you'll find it well worth fighting for…"
"Heck, yeah~!" Charlie pumped her fist. "Man, I'm pumped now~! I'm gonna write like three new songs to promote the hotel~!"
"'Heck, yeah'," Catwoman quoted with a giggle. "For the daughter of the Devil, she's pretty damn adorable."
I smiled fondly, "Yeah, that's Charlie for you."
"She even seems to have inherited my passion for music," Lucifer commented.
"Well, duh," Charlie giggled. "Who doesn't like MUSIC~?"
"The girl's got a point. Even this grouch," Penguin said, pointing at Two-Face. "Enjoys a good tune."
"You talk about me like I'm completely dead inside. I'm only HALF dead inside," Two-Face grumbled.
"Was that a pun, Dent?"
"Maybe… What if it was?!"
"Nothing. It's just good to see your 'winning' sense of humor making an appearance."
"So, uh, Sean…?" Charlie asked hesitantly, interrupting the villainous bickering. "How'd you come to meet… my Dad…? Or something? Another version of Lucifer? I'm still a bit confused about that but it's nice to see some version of Lucifer happy again~!"
"Well, as you might remember," I deadpanned. "I died."
Charlie's eyes teared up and her lip quivered dramatically, "How could I forget~?"
"And then I died a good few more times after that," I continued. "Until I finally met Didi and then here we are."
"That… doesn't really explain much," Charlie said.
"Really? But he tells it so casually," Dick joked.
I shrugged, "I mentioned all the bits that mattered."
Charlie blinked, "But… you only mentioned dying and meeting-…"
"Didi. It's Didi. Meeting her is the bit that matters most."
Didi blushed and looked away, "Oh, Sean~… Must you embarrass me with such sweet words?"
"Always," I nodded firmly. "But I also mean that literally. Didi is the one who anchored my soul to this reality. Without her, I wouldn't have met this Lucifer and I wouldn't be 'calling' you now, Charlie."
"(-_-)ゞ" Cass cocked her head. 'How'd you die in the first place, Sean?'
Charlie sighed forlornly, answering for me, "Even if you're okay now, I don't think I'll ever forget that moment, Sean. No one in Hell will."
"I bit the bucket on Extermination Day," I elaborated.
"Extermination… Day…?" Many in my audience paled at that idea.
"It's a yearly event in Charlie's Hell. And yes, it's just as bad as it sounds."
"That… doesn't sound like a good time," Dick observed 'cannily'.
"Oh, it's just horrible," Charlie explained with a pout. "It started as a method of population control for Hell's Sinners. Which is already cruel and callous. But now, it's just a day of indiscriminate slaughter by the Exorcists. Sure, some of the Sinners aren't… great. But they don't deserve to be exterminated like-! Like vermin!"
Lucifer clicked his tongue and shook his head, "Sounds like a power move from Heaven to me. There's no reason any version of Hell should need 'population control'."
"So you were killed by… Angels?" A mook asked.
"Eventually, yes," I smirked. "I took more than a few of them with me before I went out though."
"Oh, don't be so humble, Sean," Charlie giggled. "You brought half of Hell down on their heads~! Everyone's already calling it 'The Cainening' and it's only been a few days. There are even rumors that Adam was wounded in the Cataclysm you caused."
"Cataclysm…?" Dick asked with audible trepidation.
"Oh, yes, I wasn't exaggerating when I said he brought down half of Hell," Charlie grinned proudly as she told of my exploits. "Almost the entire Ring of Pride is still being rebuilt. I believe in human terms, the damage covered something like the entirety of the New York Metropolitan Area. Of course, the total affected population was closer to the Greater Tokyo Area than merely New York City."
"( 。_。)" Cass looked a bit lost. 'Wat?'
I chuckled, "I was just standing my ground."
"That's you standing your ground?!" Someone asked, their voice strained.
I nodded, "Really, it's the Angels' fault for pushing me so far."
That statement got a few choked laughs. Disbelief and sheer awe hung heavy in the air. My regulars must have known I was powerful. But to hear about the devastation I'd wrought in that Hell firsthand was an entirely different beast.
"You must have been pretty popular with Heaven, Sean," Dick deadpanned.
"Not really, no. But he's REALLY popular in Hell~!" Charlie chimed helpfully.
"Huh, I would think setting off a nuke in Hell would have the opposite effect," Penguin puzzled.
Charlie laughed an awkward, stilted laugh, "Well… Sinners aren't known as the most reasonable people in just about any sense of the word."
"Okay, old man, I gotta admit bringing down Hell on stuffy, sadistically righteous Angels is pretty cool," Alice said begrudgingly.
I chuckled, "Glad I could make you proud of your ol' Dad, Alice."
She grumbled, "Don't get too full of yourself… It was cool but you're still an old geezer."
"So much death…" Didi shook her head sadly.
"Setting off what sounds like a nuke in Hell? Yeah, I'd think so!" The mook's reply was made blunt and a touch wild-eyed with overwhelmed shock.
"Hmm? Oh, no, I mean the yearly Extermination," Didi hummed dismissively. "Even with how destructive Sean's stunt was, I can tell from here that it paled in comparison to the Angels' death toll that day."
Her casual explanation gave most in the audience a moment of pause, "Shit…"
"Straight from Death's mouth, huh?"
"Ain't that a sobering thought?"
"Man, you know shit's fucked when the nuke is the lesser of two evils."
Lucifer looked at me with a somewhat proud, still cocky smirk, "Couldn't have done it better myself. You did good, kid."
"Why, thank you," I drawled sarcastically. "Praise from the Devil certainly makes my last stand and dying worth it."
"Heh…" Lucifer snorted. "Glad I could help your 'poor' self-esteem. But seriously, Sean. I think you did the right thing there.
"Heaven is far from the perfection that everyone thinks it is. Hell is consistently worse, of course, but not by as much as people might like to believe. When the relationship between Heaven and Hell has broken down as much as it has in Charlie's native reality, drastic measures are needed."
He finished soberly, staring directly at Charlie. The Devil said his piece. His dimensionally displaced daughter listened. Charlie adopted a thoughtful expression.
"Drastic measures…? Is my dream… enough? Perhaps I need to be thinking even bigger…?" Charlie asked herself quietly.
She was left to think on the subject as a mook changed the subject, "So, uh, that Hell Extermination… Does ours have anything like that?"
Lucifer laughed freely, "Goodness, no. I may have retired but my brother would never let relations come to that point. In the end, Heaven and Hell are two sides of the same coin. Hell's health is Heaven's and vice versa."
Two-Face just nodded at the metaphor, "… Nice."
"If something like the Extermination happened here, Hell would rally for war. And when Heaven and Hell go to war… Well, let's just say there will be PROBLEMS…" Lucifer grinned.
For a moment, he was silhouetted by LIGHT and shadow. Only burning brimstone eyes and that wicked quirk of his lips showed. The audience paled and balked in visceral horror. His demonic showing disappeared as quickly as it came about. As if it never even happened.
Didi sighed, reaching over the bar to flick Lucifer on the nose, "Please. Stop. Scaring. Our customers. Cousin Luci."
"I don't know. I'm having a lot of fun doing it," Lucifer chuckled unrepentantly.
Didi fixed him with a light glare, "Still. You know better than almost anyone that they have nothing to worry about there. You're just winding them up. There hasn't been any real tension between Heaven and Hell in millennia."
"That's…"
"Good. That's good," The mooks and even the capes at the bar breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Charlie still seemed distracted by her thoughts. Through long familiarity, I could tell she was turning Lucifer's words over in her head. They seemed to have the desired effect on her. She was moments away from 'Charlie Scheming'. Like plotting and scheming but without any of the negative connotations those words carried. Charlie was much too positive for a single evil implication.
This might be a good time to bring our little reunion and catch-up call to a close. Once Charlie started, she was impossible to stop. Particularly when it came to her dream. This was simply too important to her. I might as well give her the space she needed to flip her dream plans on their head.
"Well, I think that's our queue to let you go, for now, Charlie," I said.
Charlie startled slightly out of her thoughts, "Hmm? Oh? Oh! Yeah, okay. I'm afraid I'd be a little distracted now if we continued. Will I… Will I hear from you again, Sean…?"
I nodded, "Count on it. And say hi to Vaggie for me. It was good to see you again, Charlie."
"And you, Sean," Charlie's smile was soft and bright. "And it was nice to meet all of your new friends~! Even… Dad…? Strange… but nice~!"
Lucifer chuckled quietly, "I could say the same about you, Charlie Morningstar. We'll have to talk more at a later date. Perhaps you can even introduce me to your true father?"
"Mmm~!" Charlie hummed and nodded. "That'll be fun~! And it was nice to meet you too, Auntie Didi~!"
"A-Ah~… My, my heart~…" Didi let out an adorable whimper. "This has been lovely, little Charlie. I look forward to the next time we meet."
"Alright, everyone," I said. "Say goodbye to Charlie."
"Bye, Charlie," The mooks chorused.
"Stay strong, little devil kitten," Catwoman encouraged.
"Look me up if you ever find a way into our reality," Dick winked at Charlie. "I think we could have fun together~"
"Charlie has a girlfriend, Dick," I flatly shot him down for her.
Dick wasn't so easily deterred, "And? She can come too."
"Sure thing~! Vaggie always needs more fun in her life. Sounds like a date~!"… Charlie was way too good for him.
"( ··)っ " Cass raised her last pancake to Charlie in a toast. 'Bye, bye, devil princess~!'
"Hngh~! So heckin' cute~!" Charlie had to bite her lip to stifle her squeal. Even then, it was only half effective.
I smiled at her, "Bye, Charlie. Until next time."
With that, Lucifer cut the connection he'd forced past the Source Wall. Charlie waved and smiled happily as the window into her reality began to close. Soon enough, it was gone and there was no evidence that a portal to the VOID BETWEEN just stood in the Dead End.
"Damn…" A mook said into the comfortable silence that followed. "I'm gonna have so much to tell the priest at my next confession."
Another mook snorted, "You'll probably get labeled as a heretic, buddy."
"Yeah, probably."
"Man, what a fuckin' night…"
Lucifer smirked, "Oh, I get the feeling that we've only just started."
"It's not even 10 o'clock yet," Someone groaned.
"Taking bets, people," Penguin joked. "What else does Mr. Barkeep and the Devil have in store for us tonight?"
With practically perfect timing, a few new faces walked into the Dead End and up to the bar, "Hey, we're the band for the Black Canary X Constantine gig. Who should we talk to about setting up our equipment and stuff?"
"Huh…" Penguin paused. "You know, I didn't have 'live music' on the over-under list."
Chapter 30
I'll admit to a bit of excitement. It was happening. And it couldn't have picked a better night. Entertainment was written in the cards tonight, and for once, it didn't have my stories' name on it. Live music at the Dead End, featuring Black Canary, John Constantine, and LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR!
Okay, Lucifer hadn't agreed to anything just yet. But he was a being with a known association with music. And from the way his eyes lit up (literally) when Constantine's name was mentioned, there was some history there. I gave it good odds that he would step up to the stage and show everyone Devil music.
I'd been anticipating that I would hear back from Constantine and Canary any night now. For some reason, I got the feeling that no one in the Justice League wanted to keep me and the Dead End waiting these days. Strange. I wonder why ever that could be…?
That they'd chosen tonight to take me up on my gig offer was just perfection. It couldn't have been anything less. The more mundane band members came in first, asking who they should be talking to about the gig. I immediately pointed them at myself, of course.
"That would be me. I'm the owner of the Dead End. Sean Caine. Nice to meet you all."
Alice was struck breathless by their presence, "Holy… Fucking… Shit…"
"Language, little one," Didi gently chided our child.
"Sorry, Mom," Alice quickly apologized. "But do you know who they are?!"
"The musicians your father hired to perform at the bar, I assume," Didi replied with subtle amusement.
Alice was practically frantic in her excitement, "Black Canary! The most dangerous band in the world! They're rock n' roll legends! And they should have broken up a few years ago! Are you tellin' me we're hosting their first reunion gig?!"
"Oh, hey, I think I've heard of them," A mook commented. "My daughter's a fan of them or something."
"They were quite good," Lucifer said simply, smirking as he purposefully underplayed the subject for Alice's sake.
She instantly took the bait, "Pretty good? Pretty good?! They're the freakin' best!"
I smirked at her smugly, "Well then, I suppose it's a good thing they took me up on my offer."
Alice stared at me, torn between teenage angst and stars in her eyes. Eventually, she settled on a grumbling hug, "God dammit, old man… I'll give you this one. This is pretty cool… No, it's amazing, even for you."
"Wait until you see who else I got," I chuckled, returning her hug.
One of the band members - keyboardist, if my bardic senses still had it - chuckled with me, "Yeah, your old man somehow managed to get Canary to give us a call again. Always thought she was too busy with superhero work for little ol' us. Though looking around at the clientele this place keeps, I'm starting to get an idea of how he managed to convince her."
"Don't forget our accompanying act," Another band member - definitely the drummer - said. "This guy managed to get the old Con-Job out of retirement for this gig too."
Surprisingly, Alice didn't recognize the stage name, "Who?"
"John Constantine. Johnny Con-Job. He's a legend even for us. Honestly, I can't believe we're going to be playing with him," The drummer explained.
"Oh, cool," Alice was noticeably less hyped about Constantine's part in the gig. "I've heard of him but he's a bit before my time. You guys are where it's really at for me."
She smiled, introducing herself and the band, "Always great to meet a fan. Lord Byron. The angsty one on the keys is Paloma Terrific, and the quiet one is Ditto. She doesn't talk much and Paloma's just a right bundle of sunshine."
"Bite me," Paloma said flatly, picking at her nails.
Alice nodded excitedly, "I know! I have all of your records. And I've always thought Ditto being mute was super cool! Especially how she still manages to make people smile with sound despite her disability!"
Ditto looked like something of a wallflower. Which made sense with her disability. She wore a cute winter hat on her head - one of the ones with the ear flaps -, even inside. And she blushed up an absolute storm at Alice's compliment and praise.
"()" Cass perked up at the mention of Ditto's muteness. 'Ooo~hh~? Hello!'
Ditto signed something I vaguely recognized as 'Hello. You too?'. Immediately after that, they were off to the races, communicating with rapid-fire expressions and signing. My sign language wasn't the best. The speed of Cass and Ditto's silent conversation quickly lost me. They seemed very happy to be 'talking' to each other though.
"Huh, I didn't know Black Bat was mute," Lord - and what a name that was - said.
"Technically, she's not. Body language is just her first and most comfortable language," I explained.
Dick, about to put in an explanation of his own, paused, "… That's actually a really good way to put it. Cass can speak perfectly well. She just prefers to communicate in other ways."
Lord nodded, "Cool. Glad to see Ditto will have someone to talk to tonight. Anyway, about the gig?"
"What about it?" I asked right back.
"Well, where should we be setting up? And when exactly is it supposed to start? And-…"
"And how much are we getting paid?" Paloma interrupted bluntly.
I waved dismissively, "Name your price. I'm sure money is no issue to me. Especially not to see Alice this happy."
Alice blushed and looked away. Paloma decided to test my claim, "10-… No, 40,000. Each."
"Done," I nodded, agreeing instantly.
Her slightly smug expression froze, "Uh… Oh, fuck, I didn't see that coming at all…"
Lord sighed, "Well, what's done is done. You're not going to skimp out on us, are you? Canary might be fine without it, but that's kind of life-changing money for all three of us."
I just smiled at her, "Of course not. It's nothing to me, really. You can't imagine how much business the Dead End gets per night. And I don't believe in expenses."
"Yeah, I, uh, kind of noticed that this place is… bigger on the inside," Lord said, remarkably diplomatic about the impossibility of the Dead End.
"Don't believe in… What the fuck?" Paloma's face scrunched up in confusion. "You can do that?"
I shrugged, "Why not? As for the other concerns… You can start whenever you feel ready. And the stage, well, just let me handle that."
As I spoke, the Dead End shifted. Against the wall across the impossible space from the bar, a stage raised itself. It was nothing truly special. Just a slightly raised area with room for the whole band to set up.
Paloma gaped at the newly raised stage. Lord could only blink. Even Ditto briefly stopped her conversation with Cass to stare. Ah, right, other than their connection to Black Canary, they were just normal people. Probably not used to impossible magic like that at all.
Still, Lord kept a surprisingly level head, "That… will do it."
"Take your time setting up," I offered. "The rest of us can wait until you're ready. Can't we, Alice?"
"Hngh… Fine. We can wait," Alice pouted.
Lord nodded, "We'll just do that. Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. Caine."
She had to herd her bandmates. Paloma, mostly. She was still in shock from the bar's impossibility, "What the fuck…?"
Ditto was easier for Lord to manage, waving happily to Cass as she joined the others in setting up for tonight's gig.
"You like her, huh?" I asked Cass.
"(~)~" Cass' expression gave off a content feeling. 'She was fun. Good vibes. Talkative, though.'
"As if you're one to talk there," I shot back flatly.
Lucifer chuckled and gave me an honest round of applause, "I don't know how you managed to do it, Sean, but you've made this night and my visit even more interesting. Especially with Constantine set to make an appearance. I can't ~wait~ to see him again."
"Pure coincidence, I'm sure," I said humbly.
"Yes, 'I'm sure'," Lucifer drawled.
Didi fixed him with a stern look, "You'll play nice, won't you, cousin Luci? This performance isn't just for your amusement. I'd like my little one to enjoy it as well."
"Oh, Didi," Lucifer sighed dramatically. "Johnny-Boy knows exactly how ~NICE~ I can be…"
Didi stared at him, unconvinced. She let the subject lie though. There was only so much you could do to police someone like Lucifer. Didi was noticeably more effective in that task but even she had limits.
Canary came in not long after her bandmates made their appearance. She didn't come alone but she also didn't come with the one I thought she would have.
"Hi, everyone. I hope we're not late. The others are here already?" Canary greeted plainly.
Spoiler: Black Canary
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"Hello, Sean Caine," Wonder Woman - Diana - greeted, saying my name with a respectful formality. "It seems fate has arranged our second meeting so soon after the first."
"Did you really expect anything different when you came to my domain and place of business, Diana?" I asked, amused.
She shook her head with a slight smile, "Nay. I did not. It is still quite pleasant to see you again. I said I would like to visit your Dead End when you effectively arranged for a live performance and I am here to fulfill that promise."
"And your presence is the greatest gift one could ask for on such a momentous occasion. It would seem I am in your debt, no?" I fired back in a sort of teasing exchange of formality and rapier-like tongues.
Diana's smile widened with her enjoyment of our little game, "So it would seem. How amusing. We seem to have gone debt for debt."
I nodded, "So we have."
"Are… Are they flirting?" A mook whispered in the background.
"Shit, man, I think they are."
"Never underestimate Mr. Barkeep's game."
Amused, Diana turned to the rest of the bar, "Good day, everyone. It is my pleasure to join your ranks tonight."
She cut a picturesque figure. Like something straight from a magazine cover. She stood there calmly, embodying both a model and a hero's aura. Her long dark hair even seemed to tumble in not-there wind. The armor of her costume fit perfectly on a body from myth and legend.
The reactions she elicited were about as expected, "Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy…?"
"And all was good in the world…"
"Bro… Both Wonder Woman and Black Canary. This is the best bar in the fucking world!"
"All hail, Mr. Barkeep!"
"Don't bite your tongues, boys," Wonder Woman smirked, teasing her captive audience.
"… I think I can die happy now."
"You sure know how to make an entrance, Diana," I said with amusement.
She shrugged, "It comes with the aid of long practice. But worry not, Sean. I shall not upstage you in your own domain."
"How gracious of you, Lady Diana," I gave her a playfully facetious bow.
"Now, now," Diana tutted back at me, her tone just as playful. "There is no need for that. I am a guest tonight. Simply here to enjoy a live performance."
"Very well. Why don't we put aside formality and debt for this occasion then? You're here as a friend and I intend to welcome you as such," I smiled at her.
Diana returned my smile, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Turning my attention to Canary for a moment, I said, "Thank you for taking me up on my offer, Canary. Any idea where Constantine is? Your band seems to think he agreed to be here as well."
"He should be," Canary replied from where she'd been intently watching Diana and I interact. "I'm sure he will. John isn't someone to go back on his word once you finally get it from him."
"Then we'll simply have to wait until he shows up," I nodded. "In the meantime, I'll introduce you all to the people I'm sure you're 'dying' to meet."
"Oh, joy," Canary deadpanned flatly.
"I'm sure you're quite acquainted with my heroic guests. Perhaps even some of the villains," I waved at our audience as I spoke. "Honestly, our roster is a bit light tonight."
"Yes," Canary said, just a bit strained. "A bit 'light'. 'Just' Nightwing, Black Bat, Catwoman, Penguin, and Two-Face. 'Light'…"
I chuckled, "Indeed. Thankfully, our newest guest more than makes up for everyone who can't be here tonight. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, I should present the most important person in my life. When you've died as many times as me, you tend to develop a very special relationship with Death…"
Didi waved, made slightly shy by my blatant praise, "Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you both. Ignore Sean. He seems to be in a 'mood' tonight."
"A pleasure indeed, Lady Death," Diana greeted in return. "I must say, I'm a fan of your work. Knowing there is someone to give my enemies and allies their eternal rest is a weight off my shoulders. I hope to greet you readily and without regret when my time comes."
Didi smiled softly, "Call me Didi, Diana. Don't worry. I don't intend to take you on your final stroll for many years to come."
Diana nodded without an ounce of fear in her posture, "As you say, Didi. Still, I will greet you fondly when that day does come."
Canary wasn't nearly as unflinching as her older, wiser colleague, "Lady… Didi. I've… heard much about you."
"Oh, dear," Didi laughed lightly. "Nothing to give you nightmares, I hope?"
"Not… as such. Just rethinking everything I thought I knew about life."
"Good," I put in with a chuckle. "Giving the heroes nightmares is supposed to be my area of expertise."
"You're quite good at your assumed task, Sean," Diana commented, smirking ever so slightly.
I pretended to buff my nails on my shirt, "Thank you. I try."
"I wish you wouldn't…" Canary sighed.
"If it helps, he gives us villains nightmares as well," Penguin added 'helpfully'.
Diana's eyes twinkled with concealed mirth, "A poor consolation prize but a consolation nonetheless."
Canary sighed, "Putting aside our resident existential nightmare fuel… Didi, I have to thank you for letting Oliver survive."
"It wasn't his time," Didi said softly, simply. "The island was only the beginning of his story. I just gave him a push, back in the right direction."
"Before learning about you, I would have thought meeting Death was a… well, death sentence."
"Oh, is my reputation truly that cold and imposing?"
"More existentially intimidating. But there are preconceptions that Death is a cruel and cold mistress. I'm… I'm glad those preconceptions are very wrong."
"As am I," Didi smiled. "I don't like being cold. Nor cruel. I'll always choose the opposite road if I can help it. And you must remember, I am just as much Life as Death."
Canary paused, "That… wasn't in the file."
"My siblings and I are Endless, dear," Didi elaborated gently. "We aren't limited to just our named concepts."
"I'll have to update the League's files then," Canary said, shuddering slightly.
"Not tonight, Dinah," Diana shook her head. "Tonight is for merrymaking, heroics of a different kind. We've come here to enjoy your live performance. And for you to enjoy yourself. Don't let paranoia and undue preparation distract you when something arguably more important calls for your attention."
"I think I can do that…" Canary nodded slowly.
"Wonderful!" I clapped. "I would hate to have to cancel your set tonight because of something so silly. As Diana said, you can worry about reports and such tomorrow. Tonight is about the music."
I stopped and grinned wickedly, "That being said, there is one more person you'll likely have to include in your report. Ladies, I would like you to meet-…"
"Sorry, I'm late. Got caught up with an exorcism. You wouldn't believe the idiots who think dealing with demons is good-… Son of a fuckin' bitch!" I was interrupted by a gruff, smoker-voiced apology and sudden swearing.
John Constantine walked into the bar, unhurried and grumbling his apology. Once he reached the bar proper and the rest of us, that apology instantly turned to cursing at the sight of a certain someone. Constantine laid eyes on the Devil.
"Lucifer Fuckin' Morningstar…" Constantine growled.
"Oh, come now, Johnny-Boy, a full name basis~? I'd like to think we're a little bit past that at this point~" Lucifer grinned at him, unrepentant and oh-so entertained by his presence.
Lucifer had been remarkably silent and 'well-behaved' while Diana and Canary met Didi. I expect he did that on purpose, biding his time until this exact reveal could happen. And as always with the Devil, his timing seemed to be perfect.
Canary physically recoiled at the reveal, seeing the Truth of it instantly. Diana stiffened slightly, her body set on the edge of battle. But she didn't make any hostile movements, trusting my reputation and promise of neutral ground. Constantine just glared at Lucifer as if Hell had come to Earth.
"What are you doing here?" Constantine asked, his voice like glass and gravel.
Lucifer raised an almost surprised eyebrow, "Really, John? Really? I KNOW you've heard of the Dead End and I KNOW you're not that dull."
"Fuck," Constantine deflated with a sigh. "So this is what? A business visit? Pleasure? Right when I decide it's finally time to visit this Death-blessed bar? That seems awfully convenient when you've been trying to get me to call you back for half a decade now…"
Lucifer smirked, "Truly, life works in mysterious ways."
"That's not what I wanted to hear, Luci," Constantine rumbled.
Lucifer let out an almost dainty little chuckle, "No, really, John. Mysterious ways. I just came to visit little Didi and her Prince Consort. I had no idea at all that you would be making an appearance tonight."
Constantine visibly seethed for a moment before nodding, "… Fine. It was just a coincidence. A right fucked cosmic coincidence…"
"Wha-? Just like that?!" Canary asked, somewhat frantic still from Lucifer's reveal. "You're just going to believe the literal Devil?!"
Lucifer leveled a fiery, unimpressed stare at her, "I tell no lies, Miss Canary. Ever."
Perhaps not so strangely, Lucifer's claim made Diana relax her battle-ready stance. She nodded, "I have seen the Truth in your words, Devil."
"How quaint. You're honestly quite adorable for one of the Greek brats."
Lucifer just looked amused by her more than intimidated. Quite the accomplishment when it came to Diana of Themyscira. Then again, he was Lucifer. Even Zeus couldn't hope to scratch the nail on his pinky finger.
"I shall choose not to take offense at that," Diana said, holding her head proudly. Even then, the faintest of faint blushes dusted her cheeks from the Devil's patronizing 'compliment'.
"You do that," Lucifer said dismissively.
Diana was left slightly fuming at the instant dismissal. I caught her eyes, giving her a sympathetic glance. It seemed to help, even if only partially.
Trying to make her feel just a bit better, I stuck my tongue out at the back of Lucifer's head. Her lip twitched. Canary gaped at me. The rest of our audience was a bit more used to Lucifer now, enough to suspect that he wouldn't take any real offense to my childish action.
Indeed, he didn't, snorting, "Real mature, Sean."
"Ehh, I'll leave maturity to Didi. She does it better than me."
"As if that was ever in question," Didi sniffed. Her haughty act was instantly ruined by an amused smile. "Don't worry, Dear. I love you despite your flaws."
"How…?" Canary asked incredulously. "How can you just joke around like that with the FUCKING DEVIL sitting in your bar?!"
"First time?" A mook interjected to a round of laughter.
"This is the Dead End, Miss. Ya either learn real quick to let the insanity slide or ya don't come back."
"Water off a duck's back, I tell ya!"
"You fit right in here, don't you, Luci?" Constantine asked rhetorically.
"I am rather comfortable," Lucifer replied with a lazy smirk.
Canary laughed a harsh, disbelieving laugh, "This place is insane. I'm… No, I'm out. Diana, you and John can deal with the… Morningstar situation…"
"I'm right here, you know?" Lucifer said, intensely entertained.
Canary ignored him completely, "I'm going to help the band set up. I'd say call if there's trouble but… I don't know if I'd be much help."
"While we can't promise anything regarding the Dead End's 'unique happenings', we can safely say that no trouble will be started here," Didi reassured. "Not even by cousin Luci."
Lucifer raised his glass slightly, "I'm perfectly willing to honor the Dead End's neutrality."
Diana nodded, "Then we shall as well."
Canary was still already turning to leave, waving over her shoulder and sounding more than a little defeated, "Don't care. I'm out. Not my problem anymore. I'm going to firmly repress ever meeting the Devil and just focus on what I came here to do. Good luck, Diana. You as well, John, with whatever complicated history you have with the Devil of all beings."
"Uh… Is it too late for the rest of us to do that…?" A mook asked, only half joking.
"(
) ?" Cass stared at the mook in confusion. 'You haven't been repressing from the very start?'
"I-…" The mook paused. "Shit, that's a good point."
Constantine shook his head, "I already need a drink. And not just because I'm going to be performing again. Mr. Barkeep? Got anything for me? Something strong and a bit magical. Maybe a bit holy too, for… reasons."
"I think I have just the thing. It's not holy or magical but it sure is strong as Hell," I replied.
"It'll have to do, mate. I always get a headache around ol' Luci here…"
I chuckled, "Well, this drink will certainly soothe your headache… Or maybe give you an entirely new one altogether."
I began pulling ingredients from my private collection. I hadn't had much reason to dig around in there recently. Catwoman's bottle of Ambrosia was still sitting untouched. She seemed to be saving it for a rainy day. Or perhaps a sunny one, in Gotham.
I narrated as I personally mixed the cocktail in front of my audience, "Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit and pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.
"Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture. Now, this must be properly iced or else the benzene is lost. And that's what we're really after.
"Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through the drink (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).
"Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones.
"Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink.
"Sprinkle Zamphuor.
"Add an olive.
"Now, drink… but very carefully," I finished sliding the infamous Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster in front of Constantine, careful not to agitate the glass at all lest it suddenly explode.
Constantine immediately fixed me with a very flat, almost dead look. It seemed he recognized the drink. I flashed him a little grin. He'd certainly never expected to see it in real life. Or experienced anything like it.
Drinking a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster could only accurately be described by the brilliant and slightly deranged mind of Douglas Adams. 'Like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick'.
"How the Hell did you get your hands on this?" Constantine asked before quickly interrupting my reflexive answer. "And don't say '42'."
"Fair enough," I chuckled. "It's just something I came across during my time hitchhiking through the galaxy. Famous drink, really. I'm not surprised you've heard of it."
"Oho~?" Lucifer made a noise of interest. "My, my, what a treat. I'll take one as well. It's been too long since I last gargled a blaster."
Diana hummed, "I must admit to some curiosity. While I don't recognize the drink like John seems to, I would like to try it."
"Two more Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. Coming right up," I nodded, making myself busy once again.
Constantine continued staring dead at me before he finally grunted, "Fine, if this thing can't make Lucifer bearable, nothing can. Here's to Douglas Adams."
He raised his glass in a toast just as I finished Lucifer and Diana's drinks. They quickly joined him,
"To, Mr. Adams…?" Diana toasted, unsure as to the significance of that name.
"To, old Dougie!" Lucifer laughed.
As one, the three tilted their glasses back. The first-time reactions to Zaphod Beeblebrox's galaxy-famous drink were always fascinating to watch. Diana and Constantine certainly didn't disappoint in that regard. Lucifer just let out a content sigh.
Diana froze for a moment as the drink hit her tastebuds. Her ears wiggled. Her hair stood on end before going flat again just as suddenly. A miasmic wave of confused gold seemed to pour from her, the feeling so intense it was practically visible to the naked eye. She slowly, calmly set the drink back down on the bar and only had one thing to 'say' about the experience.
"Hmm, it's quite rich."
Constantine's reaction was even more intense. His eyes instantly crossed. They then spun in impossible circles inside their sockets. Uncontrolled magic glittered in his hair like spun gold. His tongue practically lolled out and unintelligible babbles poured from his lips.
"Hummina Hummina, h~oly shite!"
"Damn…" A mook said in the silence that followed their reactions. "Am I the only one who thinks that looks kind of fun?"
"It certainly looked like an experience."
"Hey, Mr. Barkeep…? Any chance…?"
I rolled my eyes, "Alright, boys. Just this once. Hands up, who wants to gargle a blaster?"
"Well, when you put it like that…" Two-Face's expression scrunched up in disgust.
Even then, he still raised his hand. Along with just about everyone else at the bar. Not all that surprising when it came to the most famous AND infamous drink in the galaxy. I gave Cass and Alice stern looks as they tried to sneak their hands in there as well.
"︵" She instantly turned on the puppy-dog eyes. 'Awwww~… Please?'
I would not be swayed, "Not on your life. Either of you."
Alice sulked, "So not fair…"
"There, there, little ones," Didi consoled them. "Let's see if we can't find you something else in Sean's stash. Something non-alcoholic. This 'Nuka Cola' perhaps?"
She produced two bottles, their labels reading 'Nuka Cola Quantum'. The liquid inside both glowed bright blue - a harsh, almost neon color that hinted at the radiation their labels implied.
"Is that, uh… safe…?"
I shrugged, "No more dangerous than the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, at least. A bit of radiation never hurt anybody. Oh, and enough sugar to kill a bear…"
"Oh, God…" Dick groaned. "Just what we need. Sugar-rush Cass…"
"٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و" Cass raised her new drink in victory. 'Radioactive superpowers, here I come~!'
"Lol," Alice snorted, saying the acronym out loud. "Super Soda Girl…"
Chuckling at them, I went about mixing the rest of the drinks. With Death causality fuckery, it didn't take very much time at all. Before long, the bar was experiencing a chain of gargled-blaster reactions like dominos.
Everyone who drank the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster seemed to have a unique reaction. A few unlucky mooks keeled over and fainted right there on the spot. Heads of hair stood on end, and unlike with Diana, they didn't fall flat again. Puffing clouds of gold smoke left lungs in great coughs.
"Damn! That's got some real kick!" Two-Face exclaimed.
"Not subtle at all… But still classy… Very classy. Yes, I think I quite like this cocktail," Penguin gave an honest review.
"Ho~oh, Momma Mia…" Dick exhaled sharply. "That'll put life back in a zombie."
Catwoman, of course, purred, "Mmmmm~ Not as good as my Ambrosia but still quite nice."
Satisfied with the reactions my mixing skills had gotten, I turned back to Constantine, "So… How are you going to pay? Normally, I wouldn't ask or really care but those ingredients were from my private stash. Everyone else already has at least a tab set up. That just leaves you, John."
"And Lucifer," Constantine said with suspicious, narrowed eyes.
"He's practically family," I waved dismissively. "Plus he might be one of the only beings I can count on to reliably restock my more 'exotic' ingredients."
Constantine sighed, "Fine. What do I owe you?"
"I'm not going to bankrupt you, John. I can either take the cost out of your pay for tonight's gig… Or you can pay me with a story."
"Pay with a story?" Constantine scoffed. "What are you? Fae?"
"Not in this life. Of course, once Fae, always Fae, in a way…" I grinned with teeth that must have been just a touch too long and too sharp.
"Right, I heard about that Merlin tidbit of yours…" Constantine grumbled for a moment. "Fine, a story it is. Not the worst thing a Fae could ask of me. Any requests? I doubt I can match you but I've seen a few things here and there."
"How about your history with cousin Luci," Didi suggested. "I've been 'dying' to know what the story is there since you came up."
I chuckled, "That'll do. Any objections, Lucifer?"
He smirked, "No, no, of course not. Go ahead, John~ Tell them all about our time together~"
As he said that, Lucifer's form shifted. His masculine features faded. For a brief moment, androgyny reigned on his face. Then came the real changes. Lucifer's hair lengthened, their features softened, and their body shifted.
After only a few moments, Lucifer settled on a female form, reminding everyone that, to the Devil, gender was a concept as malleable as clay.
Spoiler: Fem!Lucifer
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"(; ロ)" Cass' expression shifted to horror at Lucifer's new form. 'Oh no… He's hot!'
"'She', please," Lucifer requested. "When I take this form, I might as well go all the way."
To be fair to Cass, Fem Lucifer was stunningly gorgeous. Beautiful as any muse and sexy enough to drive any man to corruption.
Her hair, once sandy blond as a man, shifted to white, to platinum - flowing down her back like sheets of silk. Strangely, Lucifer's skin did the opposite, darkening slightly to a tantalizingly dusky tone. Her body became voluptuous, sinfully curvy in all the right places.
Her body language changed as well. Slinky and seductive, Lucifer crossed one toned leg over the other. Eyes couldn't help but track the movement, even when everyone knew who they were truly gawking at. Even Lucifer's clothing changed, becoming an almost painfully ironic and unorthodox nun's outfit, dyed white with her LIGHT.
"Fuck…" Constantine said under his breath. "This isn't going to make me look good."
"Come now, John. I'm sure it can't be THAT bad," Diana reassured.
"You're not the one who danced with the Devil in a very carnal sense of the phrase…" Constantine deadpanned.
"Ah…" Diana paused. "I take back my statement, John. Perhaps it is THAT bad…"
"Shit," Two-Face laughed incredulously. "I don't even know if I can blame him if the Devil looks like that!"
Dick grinned, "Oh, this is going to be GOOD~! C'mon, Constantine, spill. And one bisexual to another… The Devil any good~?"
Constantine just sighed, "Better than you could ever know…"
"As if my marital skills were ever in any question. I'm the best damn fuck you'll ever have," She - Lucifer - smirked, cocky as, well… the Devil.
Her words and expression sent shivers - pleasurable tingling FIRE - down everyone's spines. The men at the bar shifted awkwardly. Even the women didn't escape the effect, judging by the way Diana suddenly had to clear her throat, and Catwoman outright purred. I wasn't nearly so affected but I could still recognize the sheer supernatural sexiness this form of Lucifer brought to the table. And, of course, Didi wasn't very moved by her cousin's show at all.
"Oh, calm your feminine hormones, cousin. I would like to actually hear this story, not watch you lead the whole bar around by their tongues," Didi said.
Lucifer chuckled, "As you wish, little Didi. Go on, Johnny~ We're all listening~"
Constantine exhaled a harsh, long-suffering sigh, "Why the fuck not? This bitch has caused me more trouble over the years than I know what to do with. I didn't even make a deal with her and she still won't leave me tha' fuck alone! But you want to know how this all started, don't you…"
The audience was now Constantine's to command. Usually, they hung off my words like fascinated little monkeys. But now I'd passed the torch off to Constantine and they listened to him just as intently. It seemed the story of how a grumpy British man came to sleep with the Devil was interesting enough to capture their attention just like one of mine. It was a bit strange to see in my own bar but nice all the same. And Constantine seemed to enjoy having ears to listen to him vent.
"It all started years ago, in London. I was… Well, I don't know if I've ever been happy. But I was content with my lot in life at the time. This was after my time in Muscus Membrane - my original band. That ended… poorly. Like everything else in my life."
From the expression on his face, 'poorly' was an understatement. Whatever happened to his old band tortured Constantine. A stony grimace set on his face. Some in the audience couldn't help but flinch at the sheer, dark regret and self-loathing in his voice.
With another sip of his Gargle Blaster - pulling strength from the powerful exotic drink -, he continued, "But I'd recovered somewhat. I had a decently steady job. Decent income from working as a 'pretend' occultist for those crystal cat lady hippies and new-age moms. All I had to do was tell a few 'fortunes', read a few palms, and stare into a crystal ball for a while.
"It wasn't perfect. I was still hopping couches. But it was a living. During that time, I met and started seeing this one bird. Gorgeous woman. Way too good for me. Had a real special way of lookin' at the world. Her name was Marj."
Constantine got a wistful look on his face as he spoke of his old flame. It was clear to everyone there that she still held a portion of his heart, twisted and blackened by loss as it was. No one dared interrupt him as he took a stroll down memory lane, flanked on either side by those he'd loved and lost.
"Marj was part of a convoy. Basically a traveling hippie commune. They stopped in London for a while and I hooked up with them. It wasn't much better than couch hopping but it sure as Hell was fun.
"That's how we lived. Some people might have called us con men. Gypseys, even. They might have been right about some in the convoy. But Marj really believed, ya know? She had a gift. Not for magic. But psychic. It was enough to make her earnest. Genuine.
"And that's when the trouble started. It always does. I should have known things were going too well for me. But I was still young and dumb then. Foolish to the way the world works for men like me."
"Tell us how you really feel," A mook joked, trying to lighten the mood. The awkward attempt failed miserably.
Constantine just grunted, taking another pull from his drink, "People started going missing in London. Things were going odd as well. Churches bein' desecrated. Walls that bled real blood. A cold fog that had overtaken the city and didn't leave for months. Just generally spooky shit like that."
"Honestly? That just sounds like England to me," I quipped.
That got a snort of resigned humor from Constantine, "Even for England, the weather was dreary that year. Somehow, I got sucked into the case. Along with Marj. We gathered ourselves a crew and tried to solve the disappearances. And we quickly figured out they weren't murders like ya might expect."
"I think I heard about this," Penguin hummed. "The people who disappeared did so without a trace, right? More like alien abductions than anything mundane like murder or kidnapping. The police were stumped and it even started making waves in the underground scene."
Constantine nodded, "That's about right for the information that was publicly released. Really, there was much more to the story. Our group examined every crime scene. And we came to an unsettling conclusion. SOMETHING was opening portals in the middle of London and dragging innocent souls down to Hell…"
A mook nodded, "Demons. Called it. Y'all owe me a fiver each."
"C'mon now, you know it doesn't count unless you call it out loud. Otherwise, I would've cleaned house with my cult prediction a few months back," Another mook retorted good-naturedly.
"How…?" Constantine stopped and shook his head. "Gotham. That was a stupid question. This is the only city I know where 'demons' isn't even a surprising explanation for shit going wrong. Yeah, it was demons."
Didi shook her head sadly, "Those poor souls. Stolen against their will and lost to their eternity. I remember them all. Sarah… Jason… Jess… Christine… Mark… They didn't die until they got to Hell so I couldn't do anything for them. By the time I realized they'd slipped my grasp, it was already too late. Don't worry, John. The moment I could, I rectified the situation and sent those souls to their proper eternities."
"Huh… I guess that explains how the disappearances stopped. We didn't end up getting the demon responsible. I got… side-tracked at the climax of our investigation and by the time I made it back to London, I just assumed Lucifer had handled it," Constantine explained.
Lucifer smirked with sinfully pouty lips, "I didn't have to. Little Didi can be rather vengeful when she's CHEATED by malicious loopholes like that."
"So that's how you met Lucifer?" Dick asked. "That 'side-tracking' bit?"
Constantine sighed, "Yeah. My smart ass decided that the best way to deal with the demon was to try summoning it directly. Only, I fucked up. I somehow managed to get a hold of the actual Devil with my spell."
The audience winced, almost as one. There was only one thing to say to a fuck up of that proportion, "Yikes…"
"It was a most fascinating mistake," Lucifer added, her voice rasping like silk and satin. "And, of course, I didn't just let myself be summoned like some sort of slutty succubus. I turned the tables on Johnny here and brought him to me instead."
Constantine glared at her, "Yeah, you summoned me right from my girlfriend's side, you bitch. I know you could have taken her too. You didn't 'cause you already had your evil plot in mind."
Lucifer grinned and began to hum a tune, "Jolene~, Jolene~… Jolene~, Jolene~! I'm begging of you please don't take my man~…"
Everyone gaped at the humming Devil and glaring wizard. The disrespect. The gall. The sheer mockery of Lucifer's song choice. I don't know why anyone was surprised by it from Lucifer though. She was the Devil.
I hummed along with the Devil's song, "You know, Jolene really fits your story well, John. Wicked Devil woman stealing you away from the one you love and everything. I like it."
"Ah, Dolly is such a doll. Honestly, it's a shame she isn't one of mine," Lucifer stopped humming to let out a fond sigh but the song kept playing impossibly in the background.
Unfortunately, Constantine didn't see the humor in his situation, "She seduced me. Ruined my relationship. And then still expects me to call her back!"
"Oh, please," Lucifer rolled her eyes. "I gave you the best fuck of your mortal life. You should have come crawling back on your knees, John."
"I did. And it was worth it the second time too. But I still hate what you did to me and Marj, ya fuckin' slag!" Constantine's words almost didn't match up with his glare.
"Hate sex," I nodded sagely. "Even with how dirty you feel afterward, it's usually worth it."
"I'm unsure that applies when the hate-fucking is with the Devil," Diana commented, not bothering to hide her amusement.
"So, uh, I gotta ask…" A mook spoke up hesitantly. "Which Lucifer summoned you? Guy or gal?"
"That one. Gal," Constantine grumbled. "But it doesn't really matter with the Devil. She's a bitch in this form, a bastard as a man, and something in between when she's something in between."
Lucifer pretended to swoon, "Oh, John, you say the nicest things~"
"Fucking…" Constantine seemed to sigh and give up. "Just fuckin' dammit…"
Lucifer seemed to teleport to his side, leaning onto him and tracing a seductive finger up his chest, "Sooooo~ You doing anything after this, Johnny-Boy~?"
His response was very quiet but everyone heard it clearly, "… No."
"Mmmm~" Lucifer purred. "Wanna put all that brooding and self-loathing to good use then~?"
"… Yeah."
She cupped his cheek fondly, "Good boy~"
"And that, boys and girls," I said to the morbidly fascinated audience. "Is why you don't dance with the Devil. You'll never escape her clutches. Still, it was a good story, John. Consider your tab for the night paid."
"Oh, goodie," Constantine deadpanned, sounding more defeated than anything else.
With a huff, he drained the rest of his first drink. I was already ready with a second, sliding it in front of him even as he lowered his hand. I had a feeling he was going to need to be very drunk tonight for whatever Lucifer had planned for him… And what kind of bartender would I be if I didn't help him along the damned path he'd chosen to walk?
Chapter 31
"We're about ready, Mr. Barkeep," Black Canary said
She came back up to the bar to tell me that. At the same time, she looked like she would rather be anywhere else. I clearly wasn't making her my biggest fan in any sense of the word. She didn't seem to deal with the Dead End's - and by extension, my - specific brand of insanity very well.
It was a shame but not something I would overly concern myself with. I knew I couldn't win them all. And she at least seemed to tolerate me. So long as she wasn't gunning for me or trying to cause trouble, I'd leave her to her resentment. Besides, I was pretty sure this version of Black Canary was with Green Arrow.
I didn't tend to break up happy couples without a damn good reason. Had I done it before? Sure. But those girls deserved better. Mavis - Dracula's last daughter before the modern age in the World of Darkness - came to mind. Such a brilliant soul deserved so much more than a guy so fucking MID I didn't even bother to remember his name.
So I was more than happy to leave Canary alone. She was hot but I got nothing from trying to make her like me. I might even damage the budding relationship I was building with the heroes. And that was already bound to take a hit when Superman found out I was 'corrupting' his cousin. I was, to be fair, but he was still likely to overreact. I might have to rip off that band-aid sooner rather than later…
"Thank you, Canary," I nodded to her politely before turning to Constantine. "Are you going to be good to perform, John?"
"Bah!" He waved me off. "I've never performed sober in me foockin' life! I don't plan to start now."
He was already three drinks deep. Three Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters deep, at that. So I was a bit politely skeptical of his claim. But ultimately, I just shrugged. It was his life. Who was I to live it for him?
Lucifer, still in her supernaturally fine feminine form, smirked at her boy toy, "Thatta boy, John~ Show them how it's done."
I had the strangest feeling that the Devil was much more fond of Constantine than she let on. It was just something in the way she looked at him - something deeply fascinated and taken behind her fiery brimstone eyes. Even the way she teased him was a bit less… 'devilish' than what I'd come to expect from Lucifer.
Diana shook her head, "You are a stronger man than I, John. Those drinks are worthy opponents, even for me. I'll almost be worried for you if you can perform after three of them."
"They're-… Urp~!" Constantine burped then continued as if he hadn't at all. "They're kicking my ass in the best way. Haven't felt like this since I had to drink the ghosts of Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson under the table at the same time. So it's perfect for singing!"
"That sounds like quite the story," I hummed with interest. "You'll have to tell it after your gig."
Constantine gave me a swaying thumbs-up before standing on equally swaying feet. Surprisingly, he only stumbled once as he began to move. After that, he settled into the familiar confident swinging strides I'd seen from some of the more notable drunks I'd met. Rockstars, pirates, a few gods, and certain gambling NILF (ninja I'd like to fuck).
"Should… Should we be concerned?" Dick asked.
"No, he'll be fine," I reassured. "I don't know if anyone's noticed but I put certain enchantments over the Dead End. No one gets blackout drunk here. And they'll never manage to hurt themselves or others because of alcohol they got from me."
"Huh," Penguin blinked. "I had noticed something was odd but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what."
"Call it Dead End benefits. We drink responsibly here at the bar. There's literally no other choice," I said with a smirk.
Diana smiled proudly at me, "That is remarkably well thought out, Sean. I'm glad to see you looking out for your customers and the innocents around them."
"It's practically a necessity. And not just for my conscience," I elaborated.
"Yes, I would be quite… peeved if some fool managed to kill an innocent through drunk driving or something similarly brain-dead," Didi added, her voice firmly hinting at the consequences such actions would have.
A mook shuddered, "As if we needed any more motivation to not drive drunk…"
"At least we don't live in Central City," Another said. "I hear Flash literally steals the tires right off drunk drivers."
I shrugged, "Sounds entirely deserved to me."
"Oh, yeah, fuck drunk drivers," He quickly agreed. "It's just a funny mental picture."
"I believe Kal has started doing something similar in Metropolis," Diana commented. "Only, he just picks up the whole car and flies it to the police station."
"Damn… Almost makes you wish we had someone who could do that here in Gotham, doesn't it?"
"The Dead End and I are doing our part in the war against drunk driving," I claimed happily. "Magic leaves a tiny trace on everyone who steps into the bar. If they try and start a car while drunk, it just… won't start."
"Good shit," Two-Face grunted. "I'll rob a bank any day of the week. But you won't EVER catch me driving drunk. That shit's for the dogs."
His statement got a round of nods, "Preach, brother.
"Real criminals have standards. Not many standards, admittedly but some all the same," Penguin added.
"I've always thought drunk driving was one of the most unattractive things a person could do. Just showing how little they care about the people around them. Practically bragging about it as if they're being sneaky and getting away with something instead of putting everyone else at risk. It's a deplorable act in my book," Catwoman mused aloud.
I nodded, "Glad everyone's in agreement on the subject. Not that it will ever be a problem for the Dead End but it's good to see that heads are on straight."
"Yo, morbid question but… Were you ever killed by a drunk driver, Mr. Barkeep?" A mook asked.
"Of course. You never forget your first death."
My blunt statement got winces of sympathy from the audience, "Shit…"
"That's rough, buddy."
"Yeah, I can see why you'd be so against drunk drivers, Mr. Barkeep."
"Well, I assume they were drunk," I shrugged. "I don't know how else a truck gets into the middle of a bay. I was on a boat for goodness sake…"
"You…"
"What?"
I chuckled at my own expense, "Funnily enough, that wasn't my last run-in with the entity known as Truck-kun."
"Oh," Penguin said in whispered realization. "THAT'S how you keep getting reincarnated… You're just being isekai'd over and over again."
"Took you long enough," I grinned. "Honestly, I expected a Man of Culture like you to get it quicker. But, yes. That's a part of the equation for my eternally wandering soul."
Something happened at my partial explanation. It was only noticed by a few there at the bar. Didi. Lucifer. Me, of course. Diana twitched slightly but she didn't seem to realize where the feeling came from. I'm sure if Constantine was still here, he would have noticed something as well. The smooth, torso-sized orb - the Endbringer Core of my ex-wife - on my trophy shelf vibrated ever so slightly.
Diana, again, didn't figure out where the strange sensation came from. Lucifer watched Simmy's orb with amused, smirking interest. Didi glanced curiously, hummed a bit, and then looked away, putting it out of her mind for now. I just shook my head fondly.
Simmy had heard that. A part of the equation that would let her reunite with me. Not the whole thing. She still had a lot of work to do if she wanted to see me again. But it was something - a place to start or maybe a second foothold. Knowing Simmy, she was already working tirelessly on the whole equation. I'd bet she had maybe one variable figured out. This added a second. Now, she would finally be making progress. And even separated by countless realities, I could feel her alien, almost AI excitement at that prospect.
Briefly, almost unnoticeably, a quiet but excited cry rang out from the orb, "[DATA~!]"
I chuckled softly, seemingly to myself, and whispered under my breath, "Godspeed, Simmy. I'm sure I'll see you here eventually…"
"Oho~? An Angel… but not…? How simply fascinating…" Lucifer whispered just as quietly.
"Don't help her, Luci. She'll want to do it herself."
"Wouldn't dream of it~"
"I quite looking forward to meeting someone else from Sean's past," Didi joined our whispered, practically unnoticeable conversation. "Especially one of his former lovers like her."
"What ARE you three talking about?" Diana asked, abandoning the whispers in her confusion.
"Just a visit from an ex," I explained, smiling as I said it.
"That… doesn't explain much…"
"Well then, you'll just have to wait and see, won't you~?"
At the same time, Constantine, Canary, and the band were about ready to begin. Even though they were on the opposite side of the impossible space inside the Dead End, I heard their conversation clearly.
"Alright, Johnny?" Lord asked.
"Peachy, love. Just peachy perfect~" Constantine rumbled heartily in reply.
"Are you going to be good to sing, John?" Canary asked, sounding slightly concerned.
"Just watch me!"
"Do you even know our songs?"
"Yeah, yeah," Constantine waved her off. "I did my homework. I ain't that amateur, love. I'll do fine. Got a right proper buzz going and everything."
"Jesus, John," Canary shook her head. "What the Hell did you drink?"
"One of Mr. Barkeep's special brews," He replied simply.
"I'm going to regret this but what was it called?" Canary asked with a groan.
I could hear the smirk in Constantine's voice, "Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster."
"Pan-Galactic-…" Canary paused, trailing off.
Constantine laughed, "Yeah, that one. Cocktail from space. From the Hitchhikers Guide, at that. Seems our resident bartender is somehow even more well-traveled than we thought."
"Huh, now I kind of want one," Paloma muttered in the background.
"… Noted," Canary finally said, her voice strained and almost robotic. "More about Mr. Barkeep for me to not think about. Let's just focus on the music…"
"Fine by me," Constantine shrugged. "I've got a Devil to woo. Papa's getting lucky tonight!"
Canary suddenly froze, "What…?"
The rest of the band had the same reaction, "What?"
"What?"
"…" Ditto didn't say anything of course but I could see her sign 'what?' from the bar.
Constantine ignored them all, pressing on with the show. He grabbed one of the standing mics on the stage and announced, "Hello, Dead End! We're-… well, Black Canary plus one washed-up old man. We'll be playing a few songs for you all tonight. So just ignore all of the insanity for an hour or so and dance with us!"
Lord sighed, saying to her bandmates, "Alright, we're obviously not getting an answer to that. Let's just play, girls. We'll start off with a slow one."
She lead with a steady simple beat on her drums. Ditto was the next to pick up the song after their bandmate. Resignation and hesitation were lost to the wind, to the beat that quickly took up a melody.
Canary gave herself over to the music, ignoring her worries and tonight's insanity as she began to sing, "Somedays~… The world just makes me mad~…"
Constantine echoed her with a deep, mourning bass. The song was soft but not gentle. More like the quiet rage of someone fed up. Someone pushed just a little bit too far. The feeling was built brick by brick with Canary's lyrics, Constantine the cement that held it together. The last stubborn rays of a dying day.
I didn't recognize the song so I could only assume it was one of Canary's originals. It was mournful and stubborn, fierce yet subdued. Carried by a soft beat and an even softer melody, it truly felt like Canary was venting all of tonight's frustrations through her song. Likely not the original meaning behind it but appropriate given her current circumstances.
Alice seemed to love it, at the very least. She was practically vibrating in place, dying to rush before the stage and treat this like a concert instead of the simple gig at a bar that it was. She stared at me with big, pleading eyes.
I could only sigh, covering my fond amusement, "Alright, I suppose I can let you off work for this occasion. Go have fun, Alice."
She yipped with joy, hugged me, and darted out from behind the bar. As she did, I rearranged the Dead End's layout. A dance floor opened up before the stage. It quickly turned out that Alice wasn't alone in her excitement. Didi stared at me as well with a certain expression on her face.
I nodded in realization, "Ah, you did say you wanted to dance, didn't you?"
Didi nodded right back at me, "I did. And it seems my desire has come true sooner than I thought it would. Care to join me, Sean?"
I hummed, noticing a certain prodding feeling from the Dead End's barely blossoming intelligence, "Well, it seems like the bar can take care of itself. It would be my pleasure, my love."
I left the bar in the capable hands of… well, itself. Its Genius Loci was coming along nicely and it seemed to want to explore its capabilities. Almost immediately, drink refills began to pour themselves. More than usual, that is, considering how strange 'work' worked in the Dead End.
Meanwhile, I turned my attention to more important things. Like treating my Deathly beautiful lover to a dance. I took her hand in mine and led us both onto the makeshift dance floor I'd created. We weren't the only ones who wanted to dance. The floor quickly filled up with the more mundane patrons of the bar, pairing up and simply enjoying the vibes the live music brought to the Dead End.
The song was still a relatively slow thing. Didi settled into my arms, a soft smile on her face. It was lovely. The sight sent a wave of fond warmth radiating through me. Instead of anything overinvolved and strenuous, Didi and I just swayed. Maybe a spin here and there.
It was simple. It was perfect. The frustrated lyrics to the song didn't really matter at the moment, fading into the background. All that mattered was the steady beat of Lord's drums and the mixed melody of Paloma's keyboard and Ditto's guitar. Canary and Constantine's voices just became another instrument for us to spin and sway to.
"You're gorgeous, Didi. Simply gorgeous," I told her.
She was, at that. The only thing I could see in the moment. Her soft, stylishly messy hair. Those kind, oh-so-warm eyes staring back at me. The light touches of her dark makeup - eyeliner and the black, hooking line beneath one eye -, integrated into her image so well it was almost natural. At this point, it would have been strange to see her without the dark accents.
Her perfect skin - pale as bone and somehow still so full of life that she glowed. The softness of her curves and figure. Her clothes - that modern gothic style she wore so well - and her ever-present Ankh necklace. Looking down at Didi, all I could see was perfection. In Death, Life, and Eternity in between.
A light blush joined her soft smile, standing out so beautifully on her pale skin, "Thank you, Sean. You aren't so bad yourself. I… quite like it when you hold me like this. Everything else seems to fade into the background."
I hummed, smiling as well, "I know what you mean. Nothing else seems to matter but you and I, does it?"
"Yes, I don't have to worry about the rest of existence at moments like these. The constant press of my concept upon everything… Just you and I," Didi nodded almost shyly.
"Have I told you I love you tonight?"
"Not in so many words. But then, you don't have to. I see it in nearly everything you do."
"Well, it's quite easy to love you, Didi. But I think I'd like to spell it out plainly. I love you. All that you are and aren't. In all of the forms I've known. And even with how much Death I've seen, you're something special. Given the choice, I would choose you, Didi. Over and over again. Always. I'm glad I drifted onto your lap at the beginning of all of this."
I spoke from the bottom of my Heart, the bottom of my Soul. And I knew Didi saw it all. I could never hide anything from her. I didn't want to. From my lowest point to my highest - to here and now - my Soul was laid bare before Didi. All of my sins, all of my feats and deeds, I was hers. And through our connection, I made damn sure to show her all of that.
Didi stared at me with wide eyes, stammering slightly in shock, "Awawawawa~… S-Sean~?!"
"Yes, my love?"
"W-We're in public~! My cousin is here~! Must, must you bear your soul so~…?"
"I must."
"Ahhhwnnn~!" Didi buried her face in my chest, groaning in embarrassment. "… Dummy."
I held her close to whisper in her ear, "Your dummy. I love you, Didi."
"Hnnnnggghh~!" Didi made another adorable little noise in her 'hiding place'. "I love you too…"
She clung to me tightly for a while, unwilling to show her face. I simply held her as we swayed in place. The song had changed at some point. Something more upbeat and faster. Something to properly dance to. Didi and I didn't even notice.
Looking around my domain, I hummed, "Look at what we've built."
Hesitant eyes peeked out from her 'hiding place', revealing a sliver of her completely crimson blush. She looked around the dance floor, around the bar. Didi saw what I saw. Happy, relaxed, and just simply enjoying themselves, the customers of the Dead End were like glittering flames to our eyes.
From the band playing their hearts out to the ones who sat on the sidelines and tapped their feet to the beat. Dancing, laughing, HAPPY souls.
Alice - our adopted daughter - cheering with giddy joy. Dick desperately trying to keep up with two left feet while Cass danced circles around him. Catwoman… No, Selina sprawled out like a cat in her seat at the bar, casually chatting with Harvey and Oswald like old friends. Diana joining them as well with a subtle sense of detached amusement as if she could scarcely believe what she was doing. Even Lucifer, leaning on the bar and making moon eyes at Constantine.
"Ah…" Didi made a little noise in the back of her throat, eyes lighting up both at the distraction and the scenes I'd directed her attention to. "It's beautiful. I so rarely get to see Life in action like this…"
"It's because of us," I gently reminded her. "We did this. I couldn't have done this without you."
Her lips twitched upward, "You could have. I know you could have."
"Maybe," I shrugged. "But I wouldn't want to. Not without my Deathly first lady at my side."
Didi's smile bloomed properly, "I feel much the same, Sean. You drifting onto my shore has been the best thing to happen to me in millennia. I simply don't know what I would do without you these days."
Pulling her against me, I leaned down to touch my forehead to hers, "Well then, it's a good thing you'll never have to find out. I feel like 69 is the perfect number for me to end my journey on. I have no plans of dying again."
"And I can certainly help you with that endeavor," Didi murmured. "But we can still travel though, right? I think I would like to see the wider expanse of existence. To experience some of the things you have."
"Whenever you wish, my love. There's plenty to do here but we're hardly restricted. One day, we can just set out and explore, never looking back. Or we can come and go as we wish. Whatever you want. I've been meaning to take you on a date recently…" I trailed off.
"And perhaps the venue for that date can be somewhere… unfamiliar?" Didi asked, picking up where I left off.
I grinned slightly, "Positively foreign."
Earnest, wholesome excitement leaked through Didi's smile, fueled by a sense of curiosity that was practically unmatched. Didi was Endless. She'd seen just about everything this reality had to offer. But another, past the Source Wall? She would be as innocent as a newborn babe. I was looking forward to showing her around existence for the first time all over again.
"I would be absolutely delighted to go on a date to unfamiliar waters with you, Sean dear," Didi said, cupping my cheek fondly. "Sometime soon?"
"We'll get there eventually," I promised. "There's still a lot to do here but I won't keep you waiting."
"I'll count on it," Didi whispered softly, leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss me.
Her lips pressed against mine. Soft, gentle, and yet, still so all-consuming. I held her, returning the kiss, and all was right in the world. The rest of the scene faded into the background. A comfortable white noise as Didi filled my everything.
I don't know how long Didi and I simply kissed. I don't know if I particularly cared either. It wasn't anything lewd or inappropriate. Not really. Just a simple kiss that stayed for as long as we wanted it to. No tongue, no wandering hands. Just a sense of timeless perfection that pushed the rest of the world into the background.
We could have stayed like that indefinitely. Like a bubble that surrounded us and protected us from everything that wasn't important. Which, at the moment, was everything but each other. As relatable and down to Earth as she was, Didi still existed on a different scale of time from mortals. And I suppose I did too now. It wasn't a new feeling for me though, so I broke the kiss before we spent a casual century frozen like a statue of two lovers.
Even then, by the time we slowly came apart, the band's set was over. It was totally worth missing the performance for the sparkling light of happiness in Didi's eyes. Besides, looking around, it appeared that everyone else had still enjoyed themselves.
Taking Didi's hand in mine, I led her up to the stage. It just felt right to say a few words after the Dead End's first live performance. Stepping onto the stage, Constantine made room for me and Didi to use his mic. He was sporting the first honest smile I'd seen from the man.
That might've had something to do with the utterly lewd air gestures Lucifer was sending his way. Seriously, I was debating whether or not I'd have to censor the feminine Devil somehow. There was no need to work the imaginary shaft AND balls like that in public…
Shaking my head, I stepped up to the mic with Didi beside me to say my piece, "Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen… Black Canary! How about that show? Great, right? No, honestly, I'm asking. I was a bit distracted during most of it."
Didi's sudden blush made it quite clear what I was distracted by. More like 'who'. As such, my joke got quite a few chuckles and even a good-natured boo from Alice who was still giddy with excitement from watching her favorite band perform.
"In all seriousness though, I'd like to personally thank all of the members of the band and Johnny here. They took time out of their night to perform for you all. Sure, I'm paying them handsomely for the experience but that doesn't change the fact that they gave you a good show, does it? Let's get a round of applause for everyone up here. Thank you, Ditto, Lord, Paloma, Black Canary, and John Constantine!"
After the cheers and applause died down, I continued, "They're all very talented musicians. It's an honor to host their unofficial reunion gig. I can't do much more to show my appreciation-…"
"More than pay us 40 grand each?" Paloma interrupted with a deadpan.
"Yes, more than that," I chuckled. "But what I can do is make sure they drink for free for the rest of the night!"
"Oh thank fucking God… !" Canary exclaimed in a great sigh of relief.
"Careful invoking big 'G' tonight, Canary," I teased and warned at the same time. "Remember who our other guest of honor is…"
Canary paled, "Fuck…"
"Hey, at least we're drinking for free, right?" Constantine joked.
"I'm going to need it… I don't think I want to think at all for the rest of the night," Canary grumbled.
"What's that about anyway?" Lord asked her bandmate quietly.
Sighing again, Canary explained just as quietly, "The Devil-… Yes, THAT Devil…"
She continued in the background, careful not to broadcast the nitty gritty details of tonight's star guest too loudly - for what good that would do. It wasn't like Lucifer was keeping her presence a secret. Still, it probably made Canary feel better and she must have been looking for any modicum of control she could snatch from tonight's insanity.
Someone got my attention from the crowd, one of the regular mooks… Actually, he looked kind of familiar… "Hey, Mr. Barkeep! Big man!"
The additional nickname sparked recognition in me. Ah, he was one of my first customers. One of the Two-Face henchmen who came into my bar by chance right after I'd opened it for the first time. The 'boss' henchman from back then, at that.
"Yes?" I asked, willing to hear him out and honestly a bit surprised he was still around. Even with the effects the Dead End and I had brought to the city, this was still Gotham, after all.
"You gonna perform as well? I still remember the story you told Miss Didi my first night in. The one with you as a bard and the whole wooing a dragon thing? So you gonna give us a show too?"
His suggestion sent murmurs of anticipation through the crowd. I paused to consider it. I didn't have to think for very long. Not when I glanced at Didi and saw the excited anticipation in her eyes as well.
That settled it. I agreed, "I suppose I could sing a song. More of a ballad, really. After all, I wouldn't miss the chance to tell you all another story, would I?"
Didi clapped, my biggest fan already, "Oh, yes, Sean~! How exciting~!"
"Now this, I simply must see~" Lucifer drawled, projecting her voice over the bar.
"Why do I feel like this will somehow still go badly?" Dick questioned aloud.
"Because you're more intelligent than a rock," Alice deadpanned.
"Eh," Penguin shrugged. "I'd give more odds for 'interesting' than 'bad'."
"( ๑ÒωÓ๑ )7" Cass popped off an honest-to-God salute. 'My heart, mind, and body are ready! Blow this bitch away and flood my pussy, sir!'
Alice's face scrunched up in disgust, "Ewww… That's my dad, you know."
"( )" Cass shot her a deadpan expression and nodded. 'Your dad is hot as fuck.'
Chuckling at their antics, I made sure to set the proper mood for my song. My tale of my time as a bard and then something more. As something of a hunter of monsters by might and, more importantly, magic. The catalyst that turned the 'me' of that life from a simple bard into… a Witcher in my own right.
And no matter what anyone might say, Geralt and I didn't fuck!
Putting the old insistence out of my mind - a bit frustrated that I had to assert it even now - I waved a hand over myself. My usual clothes were replaced by something quite medieval. Positively bardic in nature. A familiar lute was pulled from my Soul's storage. I sat in mid-air, a chair appearing to seamlessly meet my descent.
With a light strum of the chords, my story-song began…
()
"When a humble bard,
Graced a ride along
With Geralt of Rivia
Along came this song~…
"From when the White Wolf fought
A silver-tongued devil,
His army of elves
At his hooves did they revel~…
"They came after me
With masterful deceit
They broke down my lute and
They kicked in my teeth~
"While the devil's horns
Minced our tender meat
So cried the Witcher
'He can't be bleat~!'
"Toss a coin to your Witcher,
O' Valley of Plenty!
O' Valley of Plenty!
Toss a coin to your Witcher,
O' Valley of Plenty~… !
"At the Edge of the World
Fight the mighty horn
That bashes and breaks you
And brings you to mourn~
"He thrust every elf
Far back on the shelf
High up on the mountain
From whence it came~
"He wiped out your pest
Got kicked in his chest
He's a friend of humanity
So give him the rest~
"That's my epic tale
Our champion prevailed
Defeated the villain
Now pour him some ale~!
"Toss a coin to your Witcher,
O' Valley of Plenty!
O' Valley of Plenty!
Toss a coin to your Witcher,
And friend of humanity~!
"Toss a coin to your Witcher,
O' Valley of Plenty!
O' Valley of Plenty!
Toss a coin to your Witcher,
And friend of humanity~!
"Toss a coin to your Witcher,
O' Valley of Plenty!
O' Valley of Plenty!
Toss a coin to your Witcher,
And friend of humanity~… !"
Didi led the cheer as I brought the song to a close. She was ecstatic about the whole thing, practically jumping up and down in place. She didn't hesitate to throw herself in my lap in her excitement. I had to think quickly, throwing my lute to disappear in the wind as I caught her and laughed.
My lover wasn't the only one to enjoy the song but she was the most forthcoming with her enjoyment. The rest of the crowd still clapped and whistled though. It was nice to have my song appreciated like this again.
"A worthy ballad!" Diana praised with firm nods. "Truly enjoyable even if I am unfamiliar with the tale being told."
"(ヘ)" Cass shrugged with a slightly unimpressed look on her face. 'Eh, six out of ten. The voice and singing were hot but the song itself wasn't very sexy at all.'
"And thank goodness for that…" Alice sighed.
"… ༼ つ _ ༽つ" Cass paused for a moment before reaching out in needy excitement. 'Now… Gib! Gib serenade! My night won't be complete without my pussy juices leaking onto the floor!'
Everyone stopped to stare at Cass with a wide range of emotions. Didi giggled and Lucifer grinned wickedly. Alice mimed gagging. The rest of the crowd just gaped at her. Incredulous shock and disbelief made up the majority. But there was no small amount of 'horny' at her completely blunt and crass lewdity. The girl was utterly shameless.
It was just a good thing she was legal. Barely legal but legal all the same. And, honestly? I must say… Would.
"Cass, I love you… but damn, girl! That was thirsty as fuck, even for me!" Dick exclaimed.
"(ー )" Cass held her head high. 'I will not censor my righteous desires.'
Lucifer sighed theatrically, "Ahhh~… A girl after my own heart."
"So, uh…" A mook desperately changed the subject. "What's a Witcher?"
Poorly concealing my mirth, I explained, "A Witcher is a witchman. Taken in as children - though I managed to avoid that part by some miracle - to be trained, molded, and changed into something… more. White of hair and yellow of cat-like eye, they are genetically enhanced for one purpose and one purpose only… To be the hunters of monsters, man and beast alike. Witchers are-…"
I paused as something shifted in the Dead End. Something requested entry. Something from BEYOND. A polite knock on an imaginary door. My curiosity gave way to recognition and I opened the door.
A large, uneven archway opened up on the stage, dripping with power and Elder Blood. I was instantly thankful that the band had given me space to perform, leaving the stage open to our unannounced visitor. A girl atop a horse rode through the archway portal, intensely familiar from my memories.
Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon looked around frantically at her new surroundings. Garbed in light medieval armor with a sword of silver across her back and a dagger of steel on her hip, she looked exactly the same as the first time I'd met her. Younger, even.
Spoiler: Ciri
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Something clicked in my mind. This, this moment… This was why she seemed to know me even before we were officially introduced. I had just thought my legend proceeded me. But no, she'd met me before. Just a 'me' from later down the line rather than the middle 'me' that met her first.
Ciri spurned her horse, causing it to leap into the crowd. There was a slight panic but even in their shock at the new arrival, the crowd managed to get out of her way. Though, now Ciri looked to be panicking as well, surrounded and boxed in as she was.
Surprisingly, Lucifer was the one who stepped up to calm her, "Peace, child. You are safe here. Those that chase you will not harm you within these walls."
The promise of the Devil did wonders to put Ciri at ease. Almost supernaturally so. She calmed and relaxed in an instant. As did her neighing steed. Lucifer even helped her down from her mount, taking the once-frantic girl by the hand and supporting her the entire way.
Canary groaned over by the bar where she'd taken up a new position, "Why the fuck not…?! Tonight hasn't been eventful enough, has it?!"
"Yeah, this is a bit out there, even for the Dead End," Two-Face grunted.
Thankfully, the bar itself was there for them. The burgeoning intelligence I'd left in charge for the moment poured both of them fresh drinks that appeared in their hands without missing a beat. Canary didn't even flinch. She just drank deeply, hoping to drown out the insanity.
"Where…? Where am I?" Ciri asked Lucifer, looking around in awe now that her panic had passed.
"The Dead End, child," Lucifer cooed in reply. "A nexus of sorts. A safe place. You were called here by a song but perhaps it's where you were meant to be at this point in your story."
"That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Witcher," I announced quietly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see to an old friend."
"Is he… talking about me…?"
I heard Ciri softly mutter a question to Lucifer as she led the girl over to the bar. Didi trailed behind me as I dismounted the stage, curiously intrigued by our newest guest. We made our way to the bar as well. Thankfully, the rest of my patrons were more than willing to give Ciri some space. That wouldn't stop them from listening in but at least they weren't crowding the exhausted girl.
"Yes, child," Lucifer answered, settling them at the bar. "As I said, you are exactly where you need to be."
"T-They can't…?" Ciri trailed off mid-question.
"Who hunts you so, young warrior?" Diana asked, intense and intent with concern. "Who do you run from?"
"I-I-…" Ciri stuttered but couldn't force the words out.
"The Wild Hunt," I answered for her. "A troupe of base marauders and raiders who fashion themselves as specters of death. In reality, they're no better than slavers and brigands. They travel worlds and abduct natives, always picking on those weaker than them. They wish to use Ciri as nothing more than a tool to further their brutality."
Didi frowned on Ciri's behalf, "I dislike them already."
"Dishonorable curs!" Diana hissed.
"How do you… know that?" Ciri asked hesitantly.
She really was different from the woman I knew. Younger and not nearly as sure of herself. Still fleeing for her life across time and space. The differences made me frown ever so slightly.
"You told me," I answered softly. "I'm a friend, Ciri. One you haven't met yet. Were you not aware that your Elder Blood can control time as well as space?"
Ciri jolted slightly, startled by the information I knew, "That-! Truly…?"
I nodded in confirmation, "Truly. I knew Geralt as well. And Yennifer. They were good friends of mine. As were you, Ciri."
"Wait, but-…" Ciri shook her head. "You said 'were'. But I'm only meeting you now. I don't even know your name… So I 'will' meet you? And it'll be the first time for you… And then you'll meet… me…? For the first time again? Just for me this time?"
I chuckled, "That's time travel for you. Even a relatively simple situation like ours is a mess to wrap your head around. You summarized it quite well, all things considered."
"( ᓀ‸ᓂ)ง " Cass held up a fist with a flat expression on her face. 'Fuck time travel… '
"All my homies hate time travel," Surprisingly, Canary finished the joke for Cass. She seemed more than a little done with tonight, downing her drinks almost as quickly as they appeared in front of her.
There was a short pause at Canary's unexpected interjection. Cass looked insufferably smug that she'd gotten the older hero to play along.
Diana turned to me once the slight shock had passed, "Sean, we must venture forth to vanquish those slaving mongrels. Their atrocities can not be allowed to continue."
"No need," I shrugged casually. "Knowing what I do about the Wild Hunt and Ciri, they'll come to us. We'll barely have to lift a finger to deal with them."
As if on cue, there was another knock at the 'imaginary' dimensional door of the Dead End. This one was much, much ruder than Ciri's. It was more akin to someone slamming a clumsy battering ram upon my domain. The 'navigators' of the Wild Hunt, no doubt. Mere mages playing amateurishly with forces they didn't understand.
"Ready, Diana?" I asked with a savage grin. "I think you'll enjoy this fight very much…"
Diana nodded, firm and confident, standing as a sword and lasso appeared in her hands, "I am ready, Sean. Constantine, Black Canary, with me. We take no prisoners. I have no sympathy or mercy to spare for slavers."
"Wait! Y-You can't-!" Ciri tried to protest for the first people who'd been nice to her in who knows how long. "The Wild Hunt are no easy opponents!"
"Young warrior," Diana intoned, her voice filled with gravitas and something more. "Who they are matters little. Their actions have judged them worthy of death. With Lady Didi's permission, I will carry out their sentence."
"You have Death's blessing, Diana," Didi said, nodding sadly.
"W-Wha-?!" Ciri jumped slightly, staring at Didi as the Truth of her being shined through.
"So be it," Diana continued. "The Wild Hunt has hunted its last. So say I, Diana of Themyscira and Lady Death of the Endless."
Diana stood tall, imposing, and impossibly firm. Her Truth began to shine through as well. The Demi-Goddess was larger than life at that moment. Larger than anything Ciri had ever seen. With Didi, she only saw a sliver. With Diana, she saw a storied hero. A warrior princess - like herself but MORE. Someone who would stand for her, fight for her until the very end.
A sigh from Canary and a chuckle from Constantine signaled the addition of two more heroes to the ranks. They stood side by side before the stage where Ciri's portal had appeared. Canary, resigned but determined, cleared her throat and prepared to sing once more. Constantine took out a spool of seemingly simple string and winked to the Devil, appearing intent to show off a bit for her.
With the defenders standing at the ready, I grinned at Ciri, "Just watch. These heroes are quite good at what they do. Diana alone could handle the Wild Hunt. With Constantine and Canary by her side, they don't stand a chance. It seems this is where your flight from death comes to an end, Ciri. Hopefully, not in the way you expected it to."
Confidence and hope were just now starting to set in for the young girl. Staring at Diana's strong back and inspiring figure, there was no other possible outcome. The Greek Demi-Goddess might have been foreign and unfamiliar to Ciri but her determination was clear.
With that, I stopped holding back against the battering ram of the Wild Hunt's navigators. Well, 'holding back' were strong words. They could have banged themselves against my protections until the end of time and they would have accomplished nothing but suicide. The fact that they didn't realize this, didn't realize that I was LETTING them in… didn't say much good about the mages.
Another archway portal appeared on the stage. This one was jagged and torn at the edges. Forced and unnatural. Nothing like Ciri's, nothing like the power granted to her by her Elder Blood. Through the portal rode one horse and then another. A dozen ghostly figures stopped atop the Dead End's stage, looking around with confusion that didn't fit their spectral appearances.
Didi made a quiet sound of disgust. These specters were trying to impersonate her image. Dressed in skeletal armor and cloaked in mist like ghosts, they tried their best to look like what fools assumed grim reapers looked like. Given Didi never bothered with such theatrics, their attempt fell far short of its mark.
Death's disapproval was enough to spurn Constantine into action instantly. He had to have a healthy respect for Death to be who he was and do what he did.
His simple string unspooled, puppeteered across the room by his magic. In an instant, it wrapped around each of the dozen ghostly steeds. Constantine twitched his fingers and the string lit up with lightning, powerful enough to disable the creatures but not permanently harm or kill them.
It was more than enough to send their riders flying, though, as the horses whinnied and bucked frantically in momentary panic. False skeletal figures sprawled off the stage like a deck of spilled cards. From there, the dance floor before the stage quickly turned into an arena.
Diana sprung into action quicker than anything the Wild Hunt or Ciri had ever seen. A whirlwind that put even the best Witcher to shame. Her blade flashed, reaping souls before the 'Hunters' could even begin to react.
Then, the Canary sang. Masterfully targetted, her song sent only her enemies to their knees. Easy pickings for Diana to cut through like butter. The whole thing was over before it even started. In seconds, only one Wild Hunter remained.
Diana had them trussed up in her glowing golden lasso and kneeling before Ciri with barely any effort, "Speak, scum. Tell your Truth so that you may be judged by those you have wronged."
She ripped off the Hunter's helmet without fanfare, revealing a pale, deathly face. The man's expression was set in a constant sneer that only seemed to be worse now that he'd been so thoroughly bested and defeated, all his warriors slain. Oh, and he had the trademark pointed ears of an elf…
"Hey, good job, Diana. You managed to spare their leader in all of that," I praised. "Hello, Eredin Breacc Glas. I've heard so much about you. None of it good."
"And yet I know not you, vermin," Eredin spat.
"Geez, tell us how you really feel," A mook joked in the background.
"He is. See, Lasso of Truth. So he's just a nasty bastard at heart."
"That's a dark elf if I've ever seen one."
"Ugh, leaf-loving fuckers…"
"Rock and stone?"
"Rock and stone!"
Diana prodded the elf with her foot, "Why do you Hunt, creature?"
"It is our right!" Eredin declared with unrighteous fervor. "The lesser races serve at the feet of the Aen Elle! It is the natural order! I have done no wrong! Nay, I have done my proper duty!"
"Why do you hunt me?" Ciri asked the elven leader, taking strength from the current situation and everyone's support.
"For your Elder Blood, you unwashed plebian! The only thing of worth in your filthy HUMAN body! You would make a worthy tool for the Aen Elle, allowing us to once again begin our conquest of disparate worlds. You should be thankful - be a good little wretch and surrender to your betters! You cretin, you swine, you blighting churl-!"
"I've heard enough," Didi's voice was soft and quiet but it cut through Eredin's vitriolic rant completely.
Diana stared down at the elf with plain disgust written on her face, "You are a disgrace to sentience."
"Oh, just kill the poor excuse for a Fae already," Constantine scoffed.
"I agree. But IT," Didi said the word with layers of reproach. "Is not my soul to claim. Someone else must do the deed."
"Ciri?" I asked gently. "You up for the task?"
Ciri nodded slowly but she didn't hesitate for a moment, "I am. He is a monster, one that barely wears the skin of a man. It is my duty as Witcher to put him to the sword."
"Brat," Eredin sneered. "You wouldn't dar-…"
He didn't even finish his sentence. Ciri didn't let him. Silver steel flashed from the scabbard on her hip, driving her dagger deep beneath the elf's high-held chin and into his brain. The King of the Wild Hunt was dead before he could blink.
A few people in the audience had to turn away from the gruesome sight. But this was still Gotham. Death wasn't an uncommon sight. At least this was a righteous killing, one even the heroes sanctioned. Still, to spare the squeamish, I banished Eredin's body from the Dead End, casting it into the Void Between as an uneventful burial for a loathsome man.
"It is done," Ciri simply said. "And now…
A weight lifted from her shoulders. Ciri stood straighter, taller, and more relaxed. At the same time, she looked a bit… lost. I'm sure she didn't know what to do now. She was far from home and she likely didn't even know where to begin with finding her way back.
I smiled at the young Witcher, "Now, you take the rest of the night off and decide what to do next in the morning. We might even be able to help you start finding your way back home. How would you like to stay for a drink, Ciri?"
Chapter 32
Ciri laughed at the top of her lungs, thoroughly enjoying herself for the first time in recent memory. Nothing loomed over her head anymore. She was free from the Hunt, free from her constant flight between worlds. All because she'd heard a song that shouldn't have been familiar but WAS in her fear and panic.
The world she'd landed in was a strange one. Perhaps one of the strangest she'd ever been to. And all she'd seen of it so far was this bar, this Dead End…
It was another of those worlds from the future. She'd found them here and there in the past. But she'd never given much thought to the 'time travel' aspect of her power that they hinted at. She wasn't able to. All she'd been able to do - even with all of her power - was flee from the relentless hounds of the Hunt.
How long? How long had she fled? How far from home was she truly? From Geralt and Yennifer and her homeland? Ciri was certain she didn't know. She'd have to begin the long and perilous journey back eventually. But tonight was for drink and merrymaking. Tonight, the distance didn't seem to matter.
All thanks to a collection of practically impossible coincidences. Ciri had seen much in her time on the run, hopping between worlds and dimensions. But still, the Dead End and everything she'd found inside it was tough to wrap her head around.
She'd been introduced to everyone after the business with the Wild Hunt was over and done with. There were many to meet and all seemed quite happy to meet her. None greeted her with suspicion or malicious intent. The so-called 'mooks' were like no common bandits Ciri had ever met. The 'villains and heroes' were even stranger. And yet, they were still more welcoming than most acquaintances Ciri could think to mention.
Gruff Mister 'Two-Face'. Polite and high-class Mister Penguin. The fittingly cat-like Lady Catwoman. The flirtatious and foolish Sir Nightwing - who was, perhaps appropriately, called by a name of crass slang. The paradoxically silent and talkative Lady Cassandra.
The statuesque Princess Diana of Themyscira - a heroic woman who fought for Ciri only minutes after meeting her. The caustic unusually cheerful Sir Constantine - someone who would fit right in with Yennifer and the sorcerers of Aretuza or Geralt and the Witchers of Kaer Morhen. Black Canary - a woman resigned to the night's insanity.
All of the heroes and villains at least tentatively fit within a mortal's ken. They skirted the edges of that reasonable knowledge without doubt, but Ciri had seen enough that she could accept skilled warriors and sorcerers who acted as heroes and villains. Even a Demi-Goddess if she suspended her disbelief.
Then the Dead End offered even stranger still. The Devil Lucifer - retired Lord of All Evil - who supported Ciri despite that former title. The sarcastic and macabre Maiden Alice - Daughter of Death. The kind and gentle Lady Didi - Death herself - welcomed Ciri easily and readily contrary to Ciri's preconceptions.
And finally, at the center of it all, Sir Sean Caine. Owner of the unprecedented Dead End. Prince Consort to Death Herself. The man who knew Ciri personally. Who she had yet to meet in return…
It was only after a hearty quaff of good wine that Ciri had been willing to think on the subject. Time travel still confused and vexed her, impossible to wrap her head around. And their situation was supposed to be a relatively simple one! Yet Ciri was meeting a man for the first time who'd met her for the first time after this meeting!
Bah! Useless pedantic complications, unfit even for beasts and monsters. Ciri would cut the whole situation down with her silver sword if she could. As Lady Cassandra so eloquently put it, 'fuck time travel'.
Still, Ciri would not deny that she found good companionship in Sir Caine and those who visited his establishment. Princess Diana reminded Ciri of herself. Not overly much but enough for her to feel a sense of commonality with the royal warrior. Lady Didi was perhaps one of the kindest, most benevolent beings Ciri had ever met. Even Lady Lucifer was likable in a cocky and mischievous sort of way.
With good drink and good company at hand, Ciri was relishing the turn her night had taken. Sir Caine never seemed to run out of stories. In a way, it reminded her of home, of the bards who sang tall tales in every tavern one came across. In another way, there was nothing like this at home.
Sir Caine steadfastly refused to tell her any stories from her home and their (future?) adventures together there. He claimed he didn't want to 'spoil things'. It was frustrating but Ciri could still enjoy the tales of his other extraordinary exploits.
"-And so, after the world was saved and I had successfully escaped from the Dragon who wanted to be my baby mama, I found myself quite… bored."
"Oh no," Canary groaned. "That world is doomed, isn't it? And right after you saved it too…"
"It wasn't nearly that bad," Sean waved. "Have some faith in me."
"I have only just met you, Sir Caine," Ciri commented, amused. "And I can already tell that is a prodigious ask."
"You requesting faith is certainly rich, Sean," Lucifer smirked ironically.
"And that's coming from you," Constantine scoffed.
"No matter how bad you can be, I'll always have faith in you, Dear," Didi praised warmly.
Sean turned his nose up high at the rest of them, "Thank you, Didi. I barely even caused the collapse of a society in this one."
"Oh, dear…" Didi seemed to reevaluate her words.
"Anyway," Sean chuckled. "Bored as I was, I stumbled across a scene that grabbed my interest. A rich man - poor in luck and spirit - tricked by the Fae. Naturally, I offered him my services for a healthy price. And so began my quest to drive the Fae utterly insane."
A 'mook' snorted, "Honestly? They probably deserved it. The idea of the Fae has always rubbed me the wrong way."
"They're worse than elves," Another added.
"Eh, I don't know about that. Especially considering our most recent visitor…"
"… Yeah, that's fair. Knife-ears like him don't get any sympathy."
Diana frowned, "While I agree that creature was deplorable, should we truly judge all elf kind by one bad actor? That seems hasty and prejudiced."
"'The only good elf is a dead elf'," Penguin said, seeming to quote something Ciri was unfamiliar with. By personal experience alone, she couldn't help but agree with the sentiment though…
Sean chuckled, "The hate elves get is, if not accurate, at least somewhat deserved. Trust me, Diana. I've been an elf in a past life. Well, half-elf but my point still stands.
"Elves can be beautiful and graceful beings. They can also be the most arrogant, xenophobic people you'll ever meet. Like the dead 'king' who just visited. In the end, it all comes down to the individual. But the society and culture they're entrenched in doesn't help matters."
"I think I would like to meet an elf that is not a murderous, conquering slaver," Ciri considered.
"They exist," Sean confirmed. "But you aren't likely to find them among the Aen Elle or their Wild Hunt. Certainly not anymore now that the Wild Hunt has been forcibly disbanded."
Sean smirked as he said the last sentence. Ciri couldn't help but smile with him at the reminder. After a mere moment, she sighed.
"It is strange to have my journey - involuntary as it was - come to an end."
"But it does present us with a unique opportunity," Penguin observed. "This may be the first time someone with stories of other worlds has visited the Dead End. Other than Mr. Barkeep, of course."
"Ahem," Lucifer cleared her throat, pointedly drawing attention to herself.
"Oh, get over yourself, you conceited bitch," Constantine rolled his eyes.
Lucifer swooned, suddenly leaning against him and cooing, "Oh, Johnny, yes~ Talk dirty to me~!"
Ciri had to pause. Theirs was a strange relationship. By the strained expressions on the faces of Sir Constantine's comrades, she wasn't the only one to think that.
Sean just chuckled, "Penguin does have a point though. Care to share some of your more interesting travels, Ciri?"
"… I suppose I might," Ciri agreed, shaking her focus off Sir Constantine and Lady Lucifer's relationship. "I suspect my stories will be nowhere as entertaining as yours, Sir Caine."
He smiled softly at her, "They won't be boring either though. Go on, Ciri. Tell us your tale."
Ciri nodded, starting slowly, "One world stands out the most, so foreign from anything I knew. I traveled through many worlds. Through time and space… Yet still, that world will never leave my memories. I saw houses of glass. People there had metal in their heads. Waged war from a distance. As if by magic. But… there was none to be found-…"
IIIII
[Ciri Fiona Elen Riannon]
[Night City, 2076]
Ciri only stumbled slightly as she came through her portal, checking her surroundings with frantic focus. She'd learned the hard way never to get complacent with fresh jumps. Ciri had found she had a tendency to leap from danger to danger and it seemed this time was no different.
She arrived in a hall of metal-faced, red-eyed demons. Truly heinous creatures. Steel golems wrapped in the vaguest approximation of flesh and skin. It was like nothing Ciri had ever seen.
At the basest level, the creatures resembled men. Two arms, two legs, some of them even still had hair. But the resemblance ended there, ended with the soulless glowing eyes set into their faces.
They were, simply put, WRONG. Wrong on a level that Ciri could feel in her very bones. Nothing but malice and insanity lurked behind those 'eyes' if they could even be called that. If these monsters had once been men, that time had long since passed.
The only saving grace was that Ciri's arrival had gone unnoticed so far. Her portal had disappeared as quickly as it appeared and now she was simply left in the dark with monsters. Unfortunately, it was a situation she was painfully familiar with.
Ciri kept to the shadows as she crept through the strange building. It seemed to be a warehouse or storage of some kind. The setting was both familiar and foreign to Ciri's senses. Her surroundings were more advanced than anything she'd seen and yet also seemed to fester with decay and ruin.
Walls of metal. Floors of some strange seamless stone. Flameless lights barely illuminated the dim space, even writing out glowing words and projecting scenes that shouldn't be. Strange contraptions whirred and hummed, chugging along like laboring beasts.
Ciri's assumption about the metal monsters in human skin was thrown into question as she observed them. They walked like men. They talked like men. Ciri even saw them drinking what seemed to be some unfamiliar variety of ale in glass bottles of all things.
That wasn't the only thing they 'ingested'. Advanced needles pumped Lord knows what into their veins. Acidic and toxic-smelling smoke filled the air, inhaled and exhaled by the demons that Ciri was starting to think were more man than she first assumed. They acted like any common bandit or brigand would in the comfort and safety of their hideout.
"Yo, Fuckhead! Pass the synth! I need a fucking line or I'll go psycho!" One of the monsters shouted at another.
"Did you steal my new iron, you kleptoid fuck?!" Another screamed, unrelated to the first.
"Take that tone with me again and you'll find yourself zeroed real quick, Choom."
"Ha! You don't have the RAM, Gonk!"
"Try me."
"Yo, flick me that XBD, will ya? The one with that joytoy getting turned all the way inside out. Yeah, that's that good shit!"
"Man, I'm fucking tired of kibble. Next gonk I see, I'm chunking them on the spot. Maybe they'll taste better…"
"Haha! Might as well go for a lawman, Borg-ski!"
"Yeah, I bet Badges taste extra tender!"
"Fuck, Choom, this downtime got me acting up! I wanna fucking flatline something!"
"Patience, Choomba, we'll get our chance."
Ciri couldn't help but feel that she was bearing witness to depravities and evils she couldn't even comprehend. There was no doubt in her mind anymore. These creatures were exactly what they looked like at first glance. No matter how well they impersonated the human experience, they were monsters, not men.
"Which of you gonks had the smart-ass idea to shut the little bitch up?" One of the monsters asked, entering the main room with the others.
He carried himself with an importance that had Ciri singling him out as a leader. At the same time, his words made her go still in her hiding place. The monsters had a prisoner, a hostage. Immediately, Ciri's conviction was set. She would have to act. To do her duty as a Witcher and lay these monsters low to spare the innocent.
"Oh! Oh! That was me, Boss!" A skinny, beanpole-like demon claimed excitedly.
The boss monster wasted no time, slamming a fist into his underlings face and laying him low. Despite the violence, he complimented the smaller demon, "… Good job. Her yapping was getting on my nerves."
"Little bitch has got a mouth on her! I wouldn't mind trying it out for myself," Another of the gang of monstrous brigands leered.
"Not until after this sitch is over and done with," The boss denied. "We'll get the scratch we deserve for her and a good fight with those Edgerunner friends of hers. THEN we can make her into our proper little joytoy."
While many of the foreign terms went over Ciri's head, she still got the jist of the situation through context clues. It disgusted her. There was only one thing that monsters like these would do with a woman. Ciri wouldn't let THAT or the betrayal that would proceed it happen.
She'd taken this contract now. It wasn't an official Witcher contract and Ciri knew she likely wouldn't get paid but she didn't rightly care. These were monsters. Monsters that needed slaying. The only true question left in her mind was what tool was the right fit for this job. Silver or steel?
Both, Ciri quickly decided. If steel didn't work, then silver would, and vice versa. She didn't worry once about her ability to slay these monsters. She was a Witcher. This was what she did, even when she was on the run from monsters of her own.
It was at times like this that Ciri wished she'd been able to finish her training with Yennifer. A true sorcerer's magic would come in handy against these demons. Ciri did not advance nearly that far in her studies.
All she had was knowledge and strictly practiced control of her emotions to force magical power to flow through her as a Source. Unfortunately, her Source nature left her with very little control over the actual effects of that magic. She couldn't even do the basic Witcher signs.
As Ciri stalked the monstrous gang from the shadows, their hostage finally came into view. She was a strange sight to Ciri's eyes. Just like everything else in this world, it seemed. But she wasn't nearly as monstrous as the men who held her captive. If anything, the girl was almost cute.
She was a slip of a woman. Small enough that Ciri might have mistaken her for a young girl if not for her undeniably womanly curves. Her features were certainly exotic though. Ciri had never seen hair of that color on a person. The pale blue color looked so much like polished turquoise.
Her skin was almost unnaturally pale and decorated with pink tattoos that showed through the woman's scandalous manner of dress. Ciri didn't know if her lack of clothing could be blamed on the monsters or not. Either way, it left very little to the imagination.
Spoiler: Becca
[img: https/i./564x/35/86/6c/35866c445ab6f21d8a95b11986ddfe88.jpg]
[img: https/i./564x/59/f7/06/59f70689b17f2f3e5ce097f8e434e971.jpg]
But the most striking feature of the woman was her eyes. Exotic things of pink and yellow made her look like a demon in her own right. Filled with fury, fire, and defiance. A gag obscured her mouth but did nothing to hide her vigorous struggles. If she could speak, Ciri was sure the woman would have been screaming obscenities.
The boss knelt down to stare into the gagged and bound woman's eyes, "We're getting a pretty penny for you, girly. Maine was more than willing to cough up the ransom. Naive Gonk didn't even try to bargain. You should feel lucky, Choombatta. It seems he really values you… 'Course, fat lot of good that'll do him when we finish pumping him full of lead and take the scratch anyway. Then… Well, you and I are going to see what that pretty little mouth of yours can really do…"
Though she was unable to speak, the captive woman managed to get her reply across loud and clear, "Fuck! You! Shit fer brains!"
The monster chuckled cruelly, "A pretty thing like you is practically begging to be body mod bait. I'm sure some corpo corpse will shill out good Eddies to make you their little pet project. We're going to profit off you twice, little bird~…"
Ciri had heard more than enough. She slipped from the shadows. The gang was mostly crowded around the boss monster, leering and jeering at his captive. They didn't notice a shadow detach itself from the darkness until it was much too late.
With a near-silent rasp, Ciri's silver sword slid from its sheath. Its weight settled comfortably into her hand. Careful fingers pulled a plethora of potions from her belt. Blizzard, Wolf, Maribor Forest, and Full Moon. Just a single dose of each. It paid to never be too careful but Ciri also couldn't afford to waste her limited resources.
Each short quaff of potion brought almost instantaneous effects. Heightened reflexes and reactions for Blizzard. Precision for Wolf. Endurance and stamina for Maribor Forest. And vitality for Full Moon. Ciri boosted herself past even a Witcher's normal limits with the toxic brews, trusting her gifted tolerance to mitigate their adverse effects.
The bottles were carefully and gently tucked back into the pouch, safe and sound from the coming fight. Her offhand drew the dagger from her hip, holding it reversed in her grip. Determination set in, as sharp and solid as her blades. She felt herself more than capable of taking care of these monsters.
The gang's backs stayed turned away from her until the very last moment. By the time one of them turned her way - to light up another of those toxic, ill-smelling smokes - Ciri was in range to strike. And strike she did, lashing out at the boss monster like a viper.
Her silver blade bit deep into metal flesh. She aimed for the heart - or where the heart would have been on a normal man. Her sword extruded from the monster's chest like some sick new limb bursting from its torso.
The room fell eerily silent following her sudden attack. The boss slowly looked down at his chest, seeing the protruding blade but not comprehending what it meant. It was the last sight he saw. Oil and blood - both so thick that they were indiscernible in the dark - poured forth from the fatal wound.
Ciri could feel what passed for a heartbeat fade into nothingness through her sword. The monster died with an expression of visible shock on its face. The shock extended to the demon's fellows, seemingly stuck in place as if time had momentarily stopped. Even the captive had a look of shock on her face, laced with an eager hope that quickly overtook her features.
"What the-…"
"What the fuck?!"
"Fucking samurai!"
"Kill this fucker!"
"You came to the wrong house, fool!"
All at once, the gang burst back into motion with expletives and vulgar threats. They reached for strange metal tools. Like crossbows but without string or bolts. While Ciri didn't recognize the specific tools in question, she knew weapons when she saw them.
Ciri didn't let her foes seize the initiative. She lashed out again, this time with her boot instead of blade. The now-dead, hulking metal monstrosity flew off the length of Ciri's sword with much more strength than her size betrayed. The cast-metal corpse disrupted the gang's ranks, throwing them to the side like pins in an alley.
With a spin, Ciri's sword sliced cleanly through another gang monster's guts. Nothing spilled out of the harsh wound as it should have. Another kick - roundhouse, this time - sent the ought-to-be disemboweled monster sprawling.
Faster than any of the modified monsters could react or blink - if they even still did that -, Ciri was amongst them. Sparks flew as silver and steel clashed with alloy flesh. With no time or space to get shots off with their strange stringless crossbows, the demons were left to brawl. And up close, Ciri emerged victorious. Every. Single. Time.
Shouts of panic and fear audibly illuminated the dim space, "Bitch moves like a psycho!"
"Fucking short-circed gonk!"
"Shit! Shit! Where's the 'Dorph, man?!"
"She ain't even using chrome!"
"Is this little slut fucking ganic?!"
On opposite sides of the melee, two of the monsters managed to create enough distance to raise their weapons. They didn't hesitate to let loose into their allies for a chance at hitting Ciri. Explosions of flash and sound stunned the young Witcher for a moment. The momentary hesitation was just barely enough for one of the weapons to strike true.
Ciri felt an impact. Like a punch to the stomach, one that knocked all of the air from her lungs. She ignored the impact as best she could. There was shockingly little pain accompanying it and she had a job to finish.
Pushing herself even farther beyond her limits, Ciri got to the offending monsters before they could hit her again with those dreadful weapons. They'd circled the melee, coming to rest side by side as they sprayed indiscriminately into the near darkness. If anything, they helped Ciri more than they hurt her, felling the other demons in droves before Ciri could finish the job herself.
And with only two left, Ciri could finally focus her attention. Darting in with a ducked head, her blades cut through monstrous arms and the offending arms they held in their hands. From there, the rest was simple. The two demons screamed, begging for their lives. Ciri had no mercy for monsters.
Panting heavily, Ciri stood victorious above a den of demons. The adrenaline started to wane from her blood. Only now could Ciri wince at the blossoming pain in her gut. The one attack that had found its way through her defenses seemed to have done more damage than she realized.
There was no helping it. The pain and bleeding called for another potion. A Kiss, this time. Still, Ciri was meticulous about only taking one dose. It helped tremendously. Already, she could feel the wound in the side of her abdomen begin to clot.
Ciri quickly found that she could still move. And only with a slight limp, at that. She wiped her blades - stained with oil, blood, and Lord knows what else - on the haphazard clothes of corpses. All that was left was to find and free the captive, the woman who might have been her contractor in another time and place.
Said 'contractor' quickly made herself known now that the fighting had died down. She was no stranger to violence, it seemed, having managed to scramble herself into cover as soon as melee and seemingly magical fire started. Good. As much as Ciri wished to save the young woman, she didn't know if she could spare any potion to heal her potential wounds.
The exotic, young-looking woman stared up at Ciri with sparkling, awed eyes despite her bound state. Ciri wasn't nearly a stranger to hero worship but it still rubbed her the wrong way slightly. She needed no praise for doing her duty… Well, maybe if it was from Geralt or Yennifer…
For the dozenth time in the past few worlds alone, Ciri promised herself that she would make it back home eventually. Once she'd successfully escaped the relentless pursuers that hounded her so. Ciri shook such thoughts from her head.
A few almost negligent flicks of the wrist and dagger within freed the young woman from her binds. Her gag was removed with similar ease. Thankfully, the 'hero worship' Ciri saw in the woman's eyes wasn't the familiar stunned fearful reverence she dreaded.
Something she quickly proved once she was able to speak clearly again, "That. Was. Fucking. Nova, Choom~! Proper samurai shit! Not a corpo or badge in sight either! Those borgs didn't stand a chance! Preem fucking violence, Gang! You must be chromed to Hell and back to do that shit with just a blade, Choom! Good shit too, I can't even see a seam!"
Ciri was immediately stun-locked by the flood of unfamiliar slang. Eventually, she said the only thing her reeling mind could think of, "… Yes."
"Huh?" The woman's face scrunched up in confusion. "Whatever, never mind. I'm Rebecca, Choom! Call me Becca! Nice to meet ya and thanks for the extract!"
"You're… welcome…" Ciri said slowly. "How did you come to find yourself held hostage by those demons?"
"Demons. Yeah, that about sums up Maelstrom. Fuckin' nutty boosters," Becca chuckled. "They just caught me lacking, ya know? Running my mouth and shit. I tend to get myself into trouble. Usually, I can deal with it well enough but Pilar - my big bro - was borrowing all my heavy iron this time. I'm gonna smack that gonk until he short-circs when I see him again."
"I see…" Ciri did not see. "Shall we vacate the premises? I assume you would not wish to stay in such a place of poor memories longer than you have to."
"Nah," Becca waved. "The big bastard said Maine was coming. So we can't delta just yet. Gotta stay and give him the detes. The whole rundown, ya know? Besides, you're gonna wanna be compensated for your work, aren't ya?"
"I am…?" Ciri said it more like a question than an answer.
"Shit, you're a proper bennie!" Becca exclaimed in sudden realization. "A real out-of-towner? That's why you talk all old-fashioned and shit? I guess it explains the fit too. I thought you were just one of those fantasy exotics!"
Ciri couldn't stop the slight twitch of her lips, "Out-of-towner? Yes… You could say that."
"Hey, Choom, you're pretty damn Nova for a bennie~!" Becca cheerfully along with her relentless pace. "The crew might be able to use another fresh face like you right now. We recently recruited this new guy, David. He's adorable and he's got some spine to him, other than his Sandy, haha~! But for a bennie who can slice up a whole gang like you can, I'm sure Maine can find some work for you~!"
Strangely, Ciri found Becca's excitement and forwardness infectious. It made her smile. So different from anyone she knew but still friendly. It was obvious the smaller woman was thankful for her rescue and she was just trying to help. Considering that Ciri had found herself in an utterly foreign world, she couldn't fault the offered assistance.
Becca rambled on about this and that as they waited for her 'crew' to show up. Despite the fact that it seemed Ciri was only nodding along, she was listening intently. Becca was a treasure trove of information on this new world she'd arrived in.
Not all of that information made sense to Ciri's foreign sensibilities. A city of millions? The year 2076? Technology that was leaps and bounds ahead of anything Ciri had even considered possible? No monsters or magic other than what man had to offer?
The gang den she'd arrived in was starting to feel strangely comforting now that Ciri knew what lay beyond its walls. Yet, at the same time, Ciri couldn't feel the ever-present sense of pursuit and danger pressing down on her here. This world, foreign as it was, might have been just what she needed - just strange enough to shake her hunters so Ciri could rest and recover from her constant flight between worlds.
Becca's crew didn't take long to arrive. They entered the gang den as if ready and raring for a fight. Only to stop short when they saw the utter carnage inside and the two young women standing over a veritable pile of dead bodies.
The leader of the crew was immediately obvious just by size alone - this 'Maine' Ciri had been hearing so much about, she assumed. He was a magnitude larger than any other man she'd ever seen. Dark of skin and stone of face, 'Maine' did a wonderful impression of a walking brick wall.
He was immediately accompanied by a woman in the same league as him. She was nearly as large as 'Maine'. Ciri couldn't help but feel that they made quite the fetching couple.
The other members of the crew were more in line with Ciri's expectations. Within the reasonable limits on human size, at least. They were still some of the most exotic people she'd ever seen. A man with arms that were much too long for his skinny frame. A woman with more mask than face.
Another woman, slim and exceedingly beautiful. Perhaps one of the most beautiful women Ciri had ever seen. She had an almost elfin flavor to her, despite not having the trademark ears that would mark her as such. Perhaps it was her hair, pastel and almost glittering in the low light. Or perhaps it was the stoically beautiful expression on her face that didn't flinch even upon seeing the bodies of demons that Ciri stood over.
Spoiler: Lucy
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And finally, a remarkably normal-looking young man. He was handsome, sure, and wearing the clothing of the time, but he almost seemed out of place next to the unadulterated characters that preceded him. Yet, there was still something about him that caught Ciri's eye. Some aura of determination and circumstance made her empathize with the young man, barely more than a boy. Just as Ciri was barely more than a girl…
"'The fuck happened here?" The crew's leader asked, his voice loud and heavy.
"Fuckin' bloodbath is what happened," The large woman by his side muttered.
"Hey, guys~! Nova, you could make it!" Becca cheerfully greeted her friends. As if she hadn't just been held hostage against her will or bore witness to a monster-slaying slaughter.
"Shit, Becks," Maine grunted. "Thought we'd have to get your ass out of a jam. Seems like you did it yourself though."
Becca puffed up her chest, "'Course I did! Ya shouldn't have expected any less from me, Choom! I did have a bit of help though…"
The whole crew turned to stare at Ciri. She was beginning to feel slightly out of place. Especially standing there with her blades in her hands, weapons that she hadn't seen anyone else using so far. And to be fair, Ciri was aware that she didn't quite fit the current 'aesthetic'… Not very well at all.
She awkwardly cleared her throat, "Sal-… uh, Salutations."
"You did this, girlie?" The large woman asked.
Ciri nodded slowly, unwilling to give up her achievement, "I… did."
The large woman turned to her leader, "Maine, I want her."
Maine whistled, thoroughly impressed as he examined the scene they'd walked into, "Can't say I blame you."
The elfin woman examined Ciri's work critically, "It's good work. Smooth, methodical, and she's not even shaking after the deed is done. Every strike in a Killzone. Other than the gunshot wounds. But I don't see a piece on you so I assume those were done by the idiots themselves?"
"Yes…?" Ciri answered, slightly unsure. "Do you mean the stringless crossbows? That was entirely the demons' doing."
"Stringless crossbows…? What the Hell?" The normal-looking young man asked, bewildered.
"And she doesn't have an ounce of chrome on her," The third woman spoke up to comment.
Ciri blinked as the woman smoked despite her masked mouth, "I believe my blades could be considered chrome… But they are merely steel and silver."
"You telling me this gonk is 100% organic?! Hahahah~!" The long-armed man cackled. "Becca got saved by a nattie~!"
"Yeah, and she could kick your ass before you could blink, dipshit!" Becca growled at Ciri's defense.
Maine nodded, "A whole Maelstrom gang without a single mod? Now, that's REAL impressive, Choom. Yeah, we could use a blade like you. You working, samurai?"
"I am a Witcher, not a 'samurai'," Ciri absently corrected as she thought about his offer.
Eventually, she nodded, "I believe we could come to an arrangement. But I have no need for coin. What I need are allies. Comrades in arms. I have… enemies. Enemies who will undoubtedly find and come for me eventually. I shall lend you my sword if you lend me yours in turn."
The crew went silent, obviously deferring to Maine as their leader, "… Shit, girlie, you don't want a cut AND you're bringing us a scrap? SAY LESS!"
"Yesss~!" Becca hissed in excited victory. "Fucking preem, Choom! We're gonna be working together! You slice 'em, I fill 'em with lead!"
"What's your name, Choom?" Maine asked with a grin.
A small smile started to creep onto Ciri's face as well as she proudly declared, "Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon. The Lion Cub of Cintra."
There was a momentary silence following her declaration, - just enough for Ciri to begin to worry she'd stepped out of line - before the young man of the crew spoke, "… Shit, that was badass. Titles are badass. Should I get a title?"
"David Martinez…" The elfin woman deadpanned dramatically. "The Hummingbird."
David grumbled, "Damn, you didn't have to do me dirty like that, Lucy…"
"Uh, guys?" The masked woman got everyone's attention, indicating to the very very slowly growing bloodstain on Ciri's shirt. "Has she been shot this whole time?"
Ah… It seemed Ciri's impromptu first aid hadn't been as effective as she hoped against the foreign weapon. The bleeding had mostly clotted but there was still a slight leak of her vital fluids. And if Ciri had to guess, something was buried inside the wound.
"'Tis but a flesh wound…" She winced unconvincingly.
"… Fucking Nova… !" Becca exclaimed in breathless awe.
And so began Ciri's time in Night City…
IIIII
"-I ended up staying in Night City the longest out of all the worlds I visited," Ciri continued her story, her voice soft, nostalgic, and heartfelt. "I'll never forget my time there. I made many friends. And even more enemies. It was a land most foreign to me. But for all its good and bad, it was one I came to love like my own."
She sighed, "By the time the Wild Hunt came calling, I… didn't want to leave. I wish I could have stayed longer. But that fate was not to be. Even still, my friends and allies fought by my side until I was forced to flee from the Hunt in a sudden burst of Source magic."
The bar was silent as Ciri told her story. Enraptured by her tale. It was a heady feeling. One that Ciri wasn't used to at all, perhaps even more off-balancing than the hero worship she sometimes received for carrying out contracts. She tried to push it to the side, focusing on friends she might never see again.
"That world… sounds fucking awesome!" Alice exclaimed.
Didi chided her lightly but didn't conceal her amusement, "Language, little one."
"More like 'Nova'," Dick snorted in humor.
"*⁂(())⁂*" Cass' eyes lit up with stars. 'I wanna be a corpo samurai~!'
"So basically a cyberpunk dystopia city?" A mook asked.
"I am… unsure what you mean by that," Ciri admitted.
"Ya know, neon lights contrasting with a grimy future? Excessive sin and callous greed taking over everything in society? Capitalism and the American dream taken to their illogical extremes? Cybertech advancements that allow for terrible things? Cyborgs and guns and moral quandaries?" Penguin elaborated for the mook.
Ciri stared blankly at him for a moment, "Yes… I know some of those words."
"Ah," Penguin paused.
Ciri allowed herself a light laugh, "I am merely pulling your strings, Mister Penguin. I was brought mostly up to date on 'slang' and 'lingo' during my time in that world. I came to at least understand it, though I still prefer speaking 'properly'."
Sean chuckled, "You have to remember that her native world is somewhat behind this one in time. 13th century or so? If I'm remembering correctly. And it has rather different problems than those faced here at a similar time."
"Different problems?" Ciri quirked a smile. "Yes, you could say that. That was certainly true of what I learned from that world and its past, at least. Perhaps here is more similar to my world than you'd expect though…"
"Oh damn…" A mook mumbled.
"Yeah…" Another agreed to the unspoken exclamation. "We've learned about magic and gods and all that shit here in the Dead End. But I never really thought about what it all meant for the past…"
"So fairy and folk tales are…?"
"Myths and legends are rarely just that. There is a kernel of truth at the core of nearly every story," Diana said wisely.
Constantine shuddered, "Yeah, I don't even want to think about myself living in the Dark Ages. If I thought my lot in life was shite now… Well, let's just say I'd probably manage to bring about the fall of a few empires."
"I believe you would find yourself in a line of work similar to mine, Sir Constantine. You would make a worthy Witcher. You remind me quite a bit of Geralt," Ciri observed and praised what she saw.
"Huh, he does, at that," Sean absently agreed. "Both men, cursed by their pasts and presents. And yet, they keep pushing forward, keep doing their duty, keep saving people because it's all they know."
Lucifer sighed theatrically, "Ahh~… I do love a tortured but unbowed and unbroken soul."
"Then I can certainly see why you're so fond of me," Constantine grumbled darkly.
"So… the future, huh?" A mook stated more than asked. "Have you ever seen a future like that, Mr. Barkeep?"
Sean smiled slightly, "Not as such but I think I recognize the specific world Ciri's referring to. If I'm right… well, let's just say that Penguin's description was pretty accurate and leave it at that."
The mook couldn't help but follow up with another question, "Think our world is going to turn out like that?"
"For your sake, I very much hope it doesn't," Ciri warned gravely. "As much as I came to appreciate the world and people there, they were still making the best of a very bad situation."
Sean shrugged, "I'm pretty sure this world is safe from the trappings of a cyberpunk future. As bleak and insane as this place can get, there's still a general underlying optimism beneath it all. Comes with the hero and villain setting, I assume. This place doesn't really have the right sci-fi cyberpunk vibe to it, ya know? Too high magic and high power, not enough grimdark."
"Man, talking about reality with genre, setting, and narrative tropes is wild…"
"The worst part is that I can't even say he's wrong or nuts," Canary said, glaring at her drink as if she wished it was Sean's face.
Didi patted her on the shoulder kindly, "It's best for mortals to not concern themselves with profound business like this. It's nothing you can even begin to truly understand. Just live your life as you always have and the rest will fall into place naturally."
"( ‸)" Cass' expression shifted slightly downcast. 'So no corpo samurai?'
Catwoman comforted her, "There, there, kitten. I'm sure Wayne Enterprises is hiring if you wish to pursue your dream of corporate cutthroatness."
Dick snorted, "Heh, that'll be good."
"( ̵ᴗ ̵)و" Cass pumped her fist in excitement. 'Believe it, Choom! I'm gonna flatline some corpo gonks for Bruce Wayne! I bet he's got access to that preemo Chrome!'
Everyone at the bar paused and Ciri blinked, "… She's picked up the slang remarkably quickly. She even has the correct Night City accent… somehow."
Dick turned to stare dead at her, "You've created a monster. A cyber-slang monster, I say!"
"'Tis not my fault Night City's slang fits so well to seemingly every situation," Ciri giggled at his theatrics. "It is quite satisfying to use as well… Choom."
"It's definitely unique," Two-Face grunted. "I could see using it to mess with a few 'bennies'."
"Huh… That the 'sitch', 'gonk'?" Dick tried it out for himself.
Immediately, everyone cringed, "Ugh, no. Don't do that."
"Yeah, it just sounds wrong coming from you, Nightwing."
"Stick to your usual style. It's corny as Hell but at least you make it work."
Dick deflated, "Aww, man. Was it really that bad?"
"Horrible."
"Awful."
"Terrible."
"Just wrong."
"Like hearing a cat bark."
"Or Santa Claus cursing out his elves."
Each sentence seemed to stab into Dick's soul. Eventually, he just sighed, "Yes, I suppose it was rather ill-fitting. A shame. Like if Shakespeare wrote his best iambic pentameters in a New Jersey accent."
"Did he just compare himself to Shakespeare…?"
"Why, don't be such a spoilsport, my good chum!" Dick grinned playfully. "My manner of speech is the greatest tour de force Gotham has ever seen!"
Two-Face scoffed, "At least it's better than you using 'gonk' like a gonk."
Dick gasped in offense and shook his fist at the dual-sided villain, "You take that back, you sour-stomached so-and-so!"
Giggling at their antics, Ciri found she'd come to quite enjoy her time in the Dead End. It was a shame that it was coming to a close so soon. But as the night wound on and Ciri recuperated from her constant flight between worlds, she began to feel an urge that pushed her even further onward still.
The homely atmosphere of the Dead End - brought about mostly by Sir Caine and Lady Didi - left Ciri longing for home. And now that her pursuers were dealt with, nothing prevented her from returning. Her native lands awaited her triumphant return. As did her friends, family, and her purpose. While she could continue to put it off, Ciri very much did not want to.
Besides, the sooner she returned home, the sooner she could meet Sir Caine again… for the first time. Infuriating time travel shenanigans aside, Ciri felt the need to keep moving on. The friends she'd made tonight left one by one, wishing her luck in her journey home. By the time the sun was beginning to dawn and shine into the bar - Ciri and her steed were rested and ready to continue, this time without Hunters hounding her tail. Only a few remained to see her off.
"I wish thee well on your journey, young warrior," Diana said. "Hold your head high as you return home. Your legend grows ever stronger."
"Yeah, good luck, kid," Constantine gruffed. "And take it from a man like me, don't ever let yourself become a monster."
Alice's farewell was suitably prickly as Ciri had come to expect from the younger girl, "Good luck and bye and junk… I guess you were pretty cool."
"Fair travels, monster-slayer," Lucifer waved. "I've taken the liberty of leaving you a small gift. You may thank me for my good mood."
Didi smiled softly at her, "Know you have Death's blessing, young Witcher. You will never be hunted so again."
"Thank you. All of you. For everything you've done for me tonight. My situation has improved beyond what I can believe. I shall never forget tonight," Ciri smiled, thanking them all from the bottom of her heart.
She turned to Sean specifically, "Until next time, Sir Caine."
He grinned, "It'll be sooner than you think. Now, off you get. Don't keep Geralt, Yennifer, and I waiting."
"How will I find my way home?" Ciri asked.
"Second star to the right and straight on until morning."
That was all Sean said before swatting Ciri's horse on its flank. Barely realizing it, Ciri found herself riding through one of her portals. She waved over her shoulder briefly as she was once again cast out into eternity. Now, though, Ciri had a specific direction in mind.
She puzzled over Sean's parting advice for a moment before Lucifer's gift caught her attention. What exactly had the Devil left her…? Her memories of Night City surfaced in her mind. Only this time, there was a strange esoteric 'direction' associated with them. Something like a call and a guide that pulled her in the direction of her second home.
Oh my… Well, one more stop before returning home couldn't hurt, could it? Despite tempting Murphy, Ciri's mind was quickly made up and she 'turned' herself toward Night City, eager to see her futuristic friends again.
Chapter 33
Weeeee~!
Mew was enjoying itself. It had never regretted coming with the trainer that finally 'tamed' it. Though it would protest against that specific wording. Mew wasn't tamed. It was quite free to do whatever it so wished. And what it so wished was to go on adventures through the multiverse in its partner's soul.
There had been a slight hiccup this time. Mew's partner had forgotten to let Mew out of its ball. The ball was comfy but Mew liked to be free! Free to fly and explore and 'mischief' to its heart's content!
So far in this new world, Mew had been doing exactly that. There was so much to see! It could catch up with its partner later. He wasn't going anywhere. Mew was interested in its partner's new mate. But again, that could wait until Mew had finished its customary vacation and exploration tour of a new world.
With advantages like the ones Mew had, travel was trivial. Teleport was a blessing, especially when Mew could borrow locations from sentient minds and just Teleport directly there. And when that failed, Mew could still fly with the best of them!
Mew had already visited much of this Earth. It hadn't branched out to the surrounding space or planets yet but there wasn't a 'region' on Earth that Mew hadn't 'Mewed' in so far! Sometimes back to back to back! Those 'European' regions were so close together that it was simple for Mew to hop across the 'borders' and let out its trademark cry.
Mew wasn't ignorant of the chaos it was causing with its mere presence. It had been a bit confusing at first but a quick and harmless dive into a mind explained things rather well. Pokemon existed on this Earth! But… they didn't? They were just a story? Well, that just wouldn't do at all! Mew was very real, thank you very much!
Sightings of an honest-to-God Mew quickly spread across the globe. It seemed to appear at random. Maybe in France one moment and then Brazil the next as it Teleported via borrowed memories. But everywhere it went, the little creature left people reeling.
Nowhere was that more true than in Japan. Mew had visited its 'home region' on multiple occasions, popping up all over the place. It had been sighted surfing in Okinawa. And flying lazily through the Japanese countryside alongside a bus or train. And even paying its proper respects to the Okami in Kyoto.
As far as anyone could (incorrectly) tell, the Mew's appearances in Japan (and the world) all led back to a single moment. It first appeared in Chiyoda, Tokyo. At the main headquarters of the game studio that originally spread the good word of Mew to the masses. Without any announcement or fanfare, Mew seemingly came into existence in front of the Gamefreak studio.
People were… very confused, to say the least. Was this some kind of publicity stunt? An advanced advertising campaign? Some construct created by a villain or hero? And why was the Mew always seen wearing a mini Hawaiian shirt like some kind of Western tourist and a hat that could have only belonged to Satoshi 'Ash' Ketchum?
It got so bad that the company had to come out with an official statement that rejected any credit. They were just as confused as the public, as the rest of the world. Mew quickly became the word on everyone's tongue. It wasn't every day that a 'fictional' character came to life and started appearing across the globe like some sort of cryptid, even in a world so used to heroes and villains and their antics.
And so Mew's chaotic vacation continued, mystifying and exciting people from every walk of life. Especially behind closed doors, when Mew began to visit the truly notable people of this Earth. The heroes and villains of Earth found themselves plagued by a small, flying, pink cat…
Alexander 'Lex' Luthor walked into his penthouse office on a day just like any other. There was some trivial business he had to take care of first thing that morning but nothing overly critical. His brilliant, peak-human mind was already carefully cataloging his schedule. It never hurt to second-check things himself.
But as he entered the office proper, Lex was forced to pause and turn to his assistant, "… Mercy? Why is there a small pink creature sitting in my chair?"
Mercy Graves - Lex's assistant, bodyguard, and closest confidant - just hummed, "So you see it too, Sir?"
Spoiler: Mercy and Lex
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Lex's eye twitched ever so slightly, "Yes. I see it too. Now, why is it here?"
"Perhaps it has an appointment, Sir."
"… If I had an appointment with a Mew and you forgot to tell me, I would be sorely disappointed."
"Oh, you recognize the creature?"
"Indeed. And it SHOULDN'T be here. It shouldn't even be REAL."
"I'm sure this 'Mew' has a perfectly logical explanation for its presence," Mercy said, her voice almost infuriatingly calm.
"Mew~!" Mew helpfully chimed.
Mercy nodded matter-of-factly, "See, Sir? Perfectly logical explanation."
"Yes…" Lex's voice was strained and his twitch was escalating. "Perfectly… logical… How can I help you… Mr. Mew…?"
"Mew!" Mew adopted a grave expression on its face… somehow. "Mew Mew."
Only now did Lex realize that the little creature was wearing a suit that was an exact copy of the one he was wearing. It even made itself seem bald… again, somehow. Perhaps it was the way the sunlight through the top floor windows seemed to glisten off the Mew's forehead.
Mew tapped an impatient and firm finger on a stack of reports on Lex's desk. He'd been planning on going through them this morning before… this… happened. Now, though, the Mew seemed to have usurped Lex's place.
"Mew Mew Mew," Mew ordered, strict and stern.
"Oh, dear," Mercy said, still as infuriatingly calm as ever. "Should I activate the doppelganger protocols, Sir? I can't seem to tell you and the Mew apart anymore."
An eye twitched. A jaw tightened more than what could have possibly been healthy. Teeth gritted against each other. Lex Luthor stared at the impossible little Pokemon that had taken his spot and was sitting in his chair. And the worst part was that he couldn't even fault Mercy's 'precaution'. It was like looking into a mirror. Which didn't make a single. Goddamn. Ounce! Of sense!
In the end, Lex just gave up. He loosened his tie. He took his assistant by the hand and spun her into his chest like a dancer. She gasped in surprise at his uncharacteristic action. He ignored her with a deep, domineering dip as he seized her lips with his.
"S-Sir?!" Mercy gaped at him when he pulled back slightly to stare at her. Notably, though, she didn't pull away from his embrace.
"The world seems to have gone insane. If it has, I shall at least get something worthwhile from the experience," Lex said simply, still holding his only true friend close in an intimate embrace.
There was a slight crunch and munch in the background as Mew shifted a bucket of popcorn into existence to watch the show. Sure, the popcorn was technically still Mew but it all ended up in the same place. Some might call it self-canabalism. Mew was above such petty, human descriptors.
Thankfully for the sake of their sanity, Mercy and Lex ignored the munching Mew. They each did so for different reasons. Lex was firmly of the opinion that he'd be putting himself in quarantine after all of this to check for outside mental influences. Just to be safe. And Mercy was, quite frankly, flustered out of her right mind.
"Mercy my dear?" Lex asked. "How would you feel about spending a strictly set amount of time quarantining together?"
Mercy's mouth worked open and closed for a few moments before she found her voice again, "It's a… date…?"
With that, Mew nodded to itself, deciding its duty was done here. It still split off a clone to stay and watch as it Teleported away though. And if that clone forged a few signatures and ordered an acquisition or two… well, surely, Lex wouldn't mind finding out that he was now the sole owner of the entire Pokemon franchise. If anything, Mew felt he would be ecstatic to be able to pay his respects to his little pink overlord!
IIIII
After Mew drove Lex Luthor to do something he wouldn't have been able to bring himself to do normally, it visited the other side of the equation. The Justice League Watchtower cafeteria found itself hosting a little pink gremlin.
At first, only one person realized what was wrong with the scene in the heroes' cafeteria. Martian Manhunter found his little psychic peer to be fascinating. Not fascinating enough to go sober for any meaningful period of time but it was fascinating all the same.
No one quite understood what powerful psychics went through besides other powerful psychics. Every second of the day, everywhere they went, the press of the various minds they encountered was practically impossible to escape. It was a constant background buzz. A heavy inevitable blanket of 'white noise'.
Among their own kind, the feeling of other minds wasn't nearly so confining. If anything, it was comforting. Paradoxically, natural psychics tended to keep their minds to themselves. At the same time, they tended to be much more trained and practiced in doing so. When they did share thoughts and emotions, it was almost always with a clear and set purpose in mind, making the experience much more pleasant for everyone involved.
But to be surrounded by untrained minds, psychic only on a baseline level, was damn near excruciating for powerful psychics. There was no give and take between minds, no natural exchange and agreement to one's own privacy. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole while being surrounded by constantly buzzing bees with no sense of propriety at all.
For Martians on Earth, the situation was even worse. Humans, J'onn had come to learn, had a painful tendency to broadcast their thoughts. While that wasn't inherently a bad quality to possess, it could become quite overwhelming very quickly en masse, even for the best-trained psychic minds.
Even more constraining than Earth's 'full airwaves' - so to speak - were the circumstances that J'onn and his niece M'gann put themselves in on Earth. They were supposed to be heroes. A worthy pursuit. But that did mean it was quite frowned upon to use their abilities to the full extent that they naturally would. Even common mind melds were considered 'too intimate', for Green's sake!
The best solution J'onn had found to deal with the situation was to live full-time on the Watchtower, tens of thousands of miles above the Earth's buzzing surface. Even that only did so much when J'onn's range could easily cover the distance when he needed to.
The second best solution J'onn had found was to get - 'bluntly' - stoned out of his gourd and stay that way always. It didn't so much muffle his psychic abilities as it made them turn their focus inward most of the time. It was acceptable though.
He'd even found a little medicinal shop in Gotham that could resupply his stash with 'goodies' that were just as good as Martian Zaza. Of course, he later found out that the shop was connected to people that Batman had marked as 'people of interest'. But what Batman didn't know, couldn't hurt him, right?
Even high as a kite (or perhaps as high in orbit as the station he called home?), J'onn noticed the pink-flavored mind that suddenly invaded the station. It was a tiny thing but oh-so-Green-damned potent! The little pink mind was easily the most powerful and mentally dense psychic J'onn had ever sensed. At the same time, it was so well-controlled that J'onn wouldn't have noticed it unless it teleported right into his figurative domain like it just did.
A curious mental tendril reached out to inspect the other mind. J'onn kept his intentions plain to read - polite and more than a bit excited to meet a psychic even more powerful than him. As soon as the introductory tendril left his mental space, the other mind 'turned' to J'onn and latched onto it with even more excitement than J'onn himself.
Pink met green, "Mew~!"
The 'words' didn't matter nearly as much as the ideas and emotions behind them did. In an instant, J'onn was introduced and familiarized with the little creature known as 'Mew'. The experience was intense, even for him.
Mew was just as alien to the human mind as a Martian was. It was almost frighteningly intelligent. Much, much older than it seemed at first glance, as well. There was an overwhelming sense of cheer and innocence in Mew's mind. Not forced. But certainly deliberate. As if Mew CHOSE to be as happy and curious as it was. Always.
J'onn couldn't find a bone of ill-intent in the little creature's body. If Mew even had bones. Judging by the malleable and ever-shifting nature of its mind, Mew was a more capable shapeshifter than any Martian, green or otherwise.
Slightly overwhelmed by the psychic pink hole, J'onn did the only thing he could think of in that situation, well aware that his mind was completely laid bare before Mew, "Uh… Want a gummie?"
"Mew!" With an excited psychic cry that reverberated through the whole station and the space beyond, Mew teleported directly to J'onn. The Watchtower's 'watch room' was momentarily filled with PINK as Mew snatched one of J'onn's special gummies for itself. The next moment, it simply waved and got right back to whatever it was doing on the station.
J'onn was left blinking PINK out of his mind, "Ah. I think this calls for something a bit more fast-acting than gummies…"
In the specifically well-ventilated 'watch room', one of the last Green Martians in existence lit up a great green blunt to deal with something small, pink, and adorable. Something he was only now recognizing from one of Batman's more recent reports on the Dead End.
"Soooooooo~ not my problem, dude," J'onn muttered in between big O-ring puffs of his Martian Zaza.
Which brought the focus back to Mew's antics in the Watchtower's cafeteria. Again, at first, no one but J'onn noticed something amiss. Mew casually appeared in the midst of the slightly crowded cafeteria and seemed content to wait in line for some of Green Arrow's famous chili.
No one seemed all that bothered by the little pink cat floating among them. Mew got a few curious looks but the heroes of the Justice League had honestly seen stranger things. The 'Mewing' hums were a bit odd but also somewhat soothing. It helped that most of them hadn't been briefed on Mew's identity and the situation surrounding it yet.
That was until Plastic Man walked into the cafeteria, completely unaware of the chaos he was about to start. Mew instantly zeroed in on the other shapeshifter, focusing with an unmatched curiosity. It zipped out of the cafeteria's line and circled closely around the man made of 'plastic'.
"Mew…?"
"Woah, what the Hell?!" Plastic Man said, startled. His neck shifted and elongated, trying to follow Mew's movements and only succeeding in tying itself in a knot.
"Uh…" Plastic Man paused. "Little help here, little guy?"
Mew cocked its head at the tied and twisted hero. Its tail shifted to mimic Plastic Man's neck, tying itself into an elaborate bow. Mew then demonstrated that 'untying' the knot was as simple as a twist here, a turn there, and voila! Mew cocked its head to the other side to emphasize its point.
Plastic Man chuckled good-naturedly, "Well, yeah, but it's more fun if you play along."
Mew hit its tiny little paws together, nodding as if in realization, "Mew!"
The little creature darted in and proceeded to 'help'. It only succeeded in making things much worse for Plastic Man. In an instant, he found himself tied into an even messier knot - vaguely resembling a human-sized ball - and bounced up and down as if Mew was the world's tiniest basketball player.
"Hurp-! Urk-!" Plastic Man gagged and retched theatrically. "Gonna be sick-!"
Mew hefted the man-sized 'basketball' onto its finger with negligent ease. Plastic Man began to spin and spin and spin. Faster and faster until the malleable man became a blur of motion. He spun so fast that he came 'untied'. The suddenly disrupted balance of the spin sent Plastic Man like a shot out of a rapidly spooling railgun of angular momentum.
He collided against the cafeteria wall with a comedic splat, flattening himself against the surface. Without letting himself fall off of the wall, Plastic Man unflattened his head, spinning it in dizzy circles.
"Thanks for the… assist…" He said, playing heavily into the joke.
Mew gave him an adorable paw-padded thumbs-up, "Mew!"
By now, Mew and Plastic Man had attracted quite an audience. And the heroes were now starting to question Mew itself. More than a few recognized it as a Pokemon. That realization alone brought just as much chaos as it and Plastic Man's antics. Then the big names, the ones actually briefed on Mew at the moment, came into the cafeteria.
"What… exactly is going on here…?" Superman - Kal-El Kent - asked incredulously, not quite believing his eyes.
His timing could have been considered somewhat poor. Or perfect, depending on who you asked. Right as he, Wonder Woman, Batman, Green Arrow, and Black Canary walked into the room, Mew casually did the 'impossible'.
The little pink Pokemon split several times over. One of the clones flew over to continue bugging Plastic Man. Another - the 'original' for all the good that counted toward - went to get the chili it had come for. A few more clones chose a hero each and dedicated themselves to making specifically targeted mischief.
Plastic Man's Mew peeled its chosen heroic partner off the wall and corralled him into a shapeshifting competition. Plastic Man didn't even try to protest. He just grinned and they both quickly flashed between various forms and shapes.
Mew's true-to-life pink flying Wailord form seemed to win that competition. It stretched above everyone's heads, blocking out almost all of the light from the cafeteria's ceiling. The quite sizable Watchtower cafeteria was only just barely able to contain the truly massive creature Mew shifted into.
"That… shouldn't be possible. Where's so much extra mass coming from?" Even Plastic Man was given pause.
Mew's answer shook the whole station with a deep bass, "MEW."
"You're… just 'built different'?"
"MEW."
Only moments later, it opened its cavernous Wailord mouth and SUCKED. It was as if a tornado had suddenly spawned in the cafeteria. Only, the massive suction seemed to affect Plastic Man alone and nothing else. He let out a shrill scream as he was swallowed whole in a scene straight out of the tale of Jonah and the 'Whale'.
The entirety of the cafeteria was brought to a sudden halt by events - chaos - outside their control. Then just as suddenly the pink Wailord appeared, it shifted back into Mew's usual form. And before any of the heroes could react poorly, Mew burped. Plastic Man was coughed up out of a mouth that should have been much too small to hold him.
Sprawled on the floor, he could only say one thing, "Okay, yeah. 'Built different' just about covers it."
The other Mews wouldn't let themselves be outdone. The one that had chosen Wonder Woman - Diana - stopped in front of the Amazonian princess. It shifted into a little knight's armor, complete with cat ears on the helmet and a perfectly proportioned pink sword in its paw.
"Mew Mew!" It declared a duel, brandishing its weapon with adorable skill.
Diana just grinned, more than willing to give herself over to the chaos, "Very well, little warrior. En garde!"
She brandished her own sword and a grand battle began in the Watchtower's cafeteria. Though it seemed mismatched, Mew held its own. What started as a mere jest for Diana quickly turned into honest enjoyment. The little pink Pokemon was a worthy opponent!
Black Canary sighed a tortured, suffering sigh, "Goddammit… I thought I escaped the Dead End's insanity…"
"It's not that bad, is it? I think Mew is quite cute," Green Arrow - her significant other - said with a grin.
The Mew that had chosen them had chosen both at the same time, singling out the relationship among the new big-name heroes. It perched itself on Green Arrow's shoulder, nuzzling his bearded cheek and purring like an innocent and unassuming cat.
"C'mon, Dinah, can't we keep it?" Green Arrow prompted, grinning even wider.
Black Canary's ovaries just about exploded at the scene of hubby and cat (or cat-like creature, at least), "Hnnnngggh-!"
Batman's Mew stopped in front of the caped crusader. It shifted itself into a costume - black with pink accents and all-around adorable - that had a suspiciously bat-shaped 'M' on the chest.
Batman examined the Mew closely for a few moments, "… Are you an orphan too?"
"Mew…" Mew deflated slightly before perking back up. "Mew Mew!"
"'Last of your kind'?" Batman nodded. "It'll do. Welcome to the family. Damian will be pleased."
"Bruce too? Am I… Am I going insane?" Superman asked himself.
The Mew that had chosen him floated next to him and patted a commiserating paw on his shoulder, "Mew, Mew…"
"You're remarkably polite for a cat."
"Mew!"
"Pokemon, sorry," Superman apologized. "Did you have something prepared for me as well?"
Mew nodded and handed the Man of Steel a miniaturized card, "Mew."
"'I know what you did last summer'…?" Superman read.
Mew's expression became sheepish as it swapped the wrong card for another, "Mew, Mew Mew."
Superman read the card again, this time the right one, "'One Pokemon-sized cloning machine, please!'"
Superman turned back to Mew to reply to the card, his voice dry and slightly amused, "I don't think that's a good idea."
Mew pouted. And pouted. And pouted some more. Despite himself, Superman found it very hard to continue refusing the little creature. Mew wouldn't give up so easily! It would convince the Kryptonian to part with one of his cloning machines. That kind of technology would make bringing Pokemon to this new world so much quicker!
And in the background of the suddenly chaotic cafeteria, the 'original' Mew took its chili to go…
IIIII
A remote location played host to an Endless being. Alone and undisturbed, wandering as he had been for the last few centuries, Destruction stopped for a short break. He sat at the top of a great cliff, legs dangling unworriedly over the side. Far, far below, white waves broke upon rock, creating and destroying so much with their every motion.
"Somewhere… Somewhen… Somehow… there is a place. A place where all roads lead, and yet none do at all. A place of beginnings and ends. The ruination of one story. The conception of another. Someplace where all ideas are spawned and all creations crumble to dust…
"And who does seek this place? Who but authors, artists, and inventors alike? Who but annihilators, nihilists, and vandals - all the same? Let your eternal wander guide you. Leave your muse to creation and destruction… And perhaps you'll find me there too…"
Destruction read his poetry aloud. Even after all of these years, he didn't feel that it was anything spectacular. Perhaps he just didn't have the gift. Just like when he tried painting or sculpting. How ironic that the Endless being of Destruction and Creation had a plainly uninspired mental muse.
But no matter what, he enjoyed his poetry. His art. His sculptures. Anything that allowed him to exercise the side of his duality that had gone so neglected before his abdication. As strange as it sounded, Destruction enjoyed creating.
He would write and muse almost every second of the day and night, alone with his mind. Giving life to entire worlds and the stories within with his every thought. He would stop to paint vistas just like the one he enjoyed now. Trying oh so hard to capture a single moment in his creations. He'd even taken to whittling as he walked. Breathing something solid into reality with each smooth carving motion of his knife.
In the centuries since his abdication - since he stopped directly his concept so closely - Destruction wandered the Earth. He avoided man and beast alike, those that could consciously create and destroy. He was alone much of the time. His only company came from a few chance visits from family here and there. And his trusty hound Barnabas - gloomy, gruff, and grumbling as the talking dog was.
Perhaps one day, he would return. Return to his duties and return to his family. But he didn't feel the need just yet. A few centuries was a mere pittance compared to their Endless existence. Until the day he felt prepared to take up his role once more, Destruction roamed.
And yet, on this cliff - so similar to the countless others he'd rested upon - something new graced Destruction's wander. A new pair of ears listened to his Creation. Barnabas was as ill-tempered and surly as ever, laying flat at Destruction's side. He would have covered his ears against his master's poetry if he could have. But this new listener was much more intent, much more traditionally friendly.
"Mew!" A strange pink cat gave Destruction a round of applause.
Destruction blinked, "I do not recognize you, friend. Pray tell, what Creation do you hail from?"
"Mew Mew!" The pink cat shifted its form into a creature even more strange.
This new form was a mere copy. Destruction could easily tell that much. Even then, he didn't recognize the white and gold, four-legged beast with a ring around its midst. What he did recognize… was a God when he saw one, even as just a mere partial imitation.
It was enough to make Destruction stop and marvel for a moment - a strange occurrence for one of the Endless, "My word… 'The Original One'? It is like looking at a sliver of the Presence… You come from very, very far away, don't you, friend?"
"Mew!" Mew nodded eagerly before 'complimenting' Destruction's poem. "Me~ew!"
At the earnest and cheerful compliment, Destruction actually blushed, "Ah… Indeed? My thanks, friend, but I am still ever learning and improving my craft."
"Mew!"
"Feel free, friend. It has been long since I have felt the need for company," Destruction chuckled. "And an unfamiliar Creation like yourself has caught my attention. I believe I would like to know more about you."
"Mew Mew," Mew floated over to settle on the cliff next to Destruction.
Barnabas the talking dog glanced at the little cat-like thing, chuffed, and looked away. Just because he could talk didn't mean he wanted to. A bowl of chili floated beside Mew. It offered some to its 'host'.
"That is very kind. I shall not spit in the face of your hospitality… Oh my. This is quite good. Perhaps the Creation of Cooking is another venture to add to my list…" Destruction considered.
Mew's stubby little legs kicked and wiggled over the edge of the cliff. It waved its arms as it animatedly told the story of its travels to its newest friend, "Mew! Mew Mew Mew-…"
Destruction listened intently, nodding and chuckling at the appropriate times, "Quite the adventure you've had, friend. You would get along swimmingly with my little sister Delirium. Perhaps the others as well."
"Mew!" Mew chimed. "Mew."
Destruction's head tilted to the side in slight confusion, "Didi? Partner? The… Dead End…?"
Mew nodded excitedly. It flashed images - psychic projections - in the air. Images of its short time in the Dead End, of its partner and his new mate. The lively atmosphere the little pink creature brought and the scenes of his sister made Destruction smile softly.
"Well, I suppose we'll just have to see where my wander takes me. Perhaps one day soon, I'll find myself at a Dead End instead of a crossroads. If I do, I hope to see you there again, friend."
"Thank fookin' God," Barnabas grumbled gruffly, finally speaking. "I've about had it to here with yer shite poetry. At least this way, I'll have a proper fookin' drink."
IIIII
The small Heartless was a simple being. Not quite a creature. Certainly not a 'someone'. Instead, it was the opposite. The absence of 'someone'. A mere Shadow cast by the distant unseen light of a Heart.
All it knew was Darkness. Lukewarm Darkness and Empty Void. And Hunger. All-consuming Hunger - a constant for all of its kin. It craved Emotion, Connection, and Heart. And for so long, it had gone Hungry.
Before, it had been left to the endless Void Between. A small, small Shadow of a Heart, flocking in massive Hungry schools of its kind. The Void was Empty. The Void was Apathetic. The Shadow - the Heartless - wished for Something. Anything. So long as there was a Thing there. Perhaps then, it could sate its Hunger…
By pure chance, pure coincidence, the Heartless found itself separated from its kind. Small and oh so alone in the Void Between, it floated/stumbled/sank/swam. Apathy drove it onward. Hunger made it unwilling to move. The Heartless was stuck. Without Motivation to tie it down. Without Connections to push it forward. For without Heart, everything is lost.
In that listless Darkness, the Shadow found an escape. A brief hole in the endless Void that led to something more limited. The Heartless couldn't help but fall right through. A Shadow appeared in a new place, one that drowned the Heartless in reality, in Something and Everything.
Confusion reigned behind glowing yellow eyes. The Heartless was lost and overwhelmed, pulled along uncontrollably by what it had found. So much light. So much Thing and Yes and More. So much Heart.
And before it could react, before it could lash out in Hunger and Apathy, it was stolen away once more. From endless Void to limited reality and now to something Endless once more. For once, Hunger and Apathy waned. The Heartless was sequestered within a comforting Delirium.
Sustainance - Love and Emotion. Endless Heart to sate the Heartless' endless absence. Yellow eyes flickered shut, merely sleepy for once instead of Apathetic, dark, and dead. A hummed lullaby soothed the Heartless into its new home.
Delirium watched her Heartless with constantly shifting Emotions and Heart. Excitement: a new friend, a new pet, a new project. Sadness: poor, poor creature, so lost and Unconnected. Curiosity: what WAS it? Determination: a reflection of the Heart, one that deserved a chance just like anything else.
Within Delirium, the Heartless changed. Hunger was sated. Apathy faded. A Connection was forged. And through it, Obsession/Delirium/Fondness/Resentment/HEART sparked inside a Shadow that had never had a Heart of its own. Yellow eyes shifted into pink and a new phenomenon - Heartless only in name - purred, curled up in an Endless Heart.
IIIII
Beyond the Source Wall was a 'place' in constant change. Here, that wasn't here. There, that wasn't there. A time without Time. A space without Space. A Void Between. Infinite Blind Eternities. A Dimensional Sea on which everything in existence - from entire multiverses to wandering individual beings - floated/sank/swam.
And within the Void Between, 69 realities were tied together by a 'string'. A commonality, a shared story, a single soul reincarnated over and over again. Even on a small scale of Eternity and Infinity, this chain of worlds was insignificant and unremarkable. Still, the echoed history of Sean Caine - his True Name and everything it had ever experienced - persisted.
Somewhere along that chain, a world recovering from an infestation of interdimensional space worms chugged along. Sean's time on Earth Bet was legendary. He was instrumental in solving and 'solving' many of the world's biggest issues. From minor crime around Brockton Bay to the Slaughterhouse Nine and even to the Entities themselves.
His name was revered and feared in equal measure on Earth Bet. The Slaughterer of the Nine. The Husband of the Simurgh. The Father of the Uplift.
The Entities tendrils reached deep into that Earth, that dimension. Simply killing the depressed Warrior Entity with awesome Gundam power and putting a temporary end to the Cycle wasn't enough.
The Shards still 'lived', spread through countless dimensions and versions of Earth. Powers still plagued society. To truly finish the job he'd started, Sean had to take his actions a step further. And he did so by way of UPLIFT…
In that life, Sean had a Shard of his own. But the very nature of his constantly reincarnating soul changed the Shard upon [Contact]. His power was supposed to be a relatively simple Tinker one in theory. Just the ability to make toys true to life.
But with the outside influence of his eternally wandering soul, Sean's Shard had more [Data] to draw from than it knew what to do with. Most specifically, toys from a world where nearly every reality was a story.
So, in practice, Sean's 'Tinker' effect only affected the building of the original toys and the process of enlarging them or bringing them to life. Notably, that left the actual technology within those toys 'unTinkered', so to speak.
Even in their model forms, Sean's toys (his Gundams, for example) were fully functional. The technology simply worked just how it was described in its original source material. WITHOUT the trademark Tinker black box that offloaded the bullshit effects onto the Shard instead of the hardware.
Sean's toy tech was usually advanced beyond belief, sometimes even completely alien. But it was able to be replicated by unpowered sources. Much less what the actual Tinkers could do based on Sean's toys.
Through the strange interaction between Sean's out-of-context soul and standard Shard bullshit, toys became the source of humanity's uplift. As it turned out, there were a lot of toy spaceships that Sean could pull inspiration from. Or just build one-to-one and then make them true to life with his powers.
The first flight of Sean's Turn-A Gundam - one of his first creations brought true to life and the weapon that would eventually deal the final blow to the Warrior Entity - marked a change in Earth Bet's history. In humanity's history.
It was the change that would eventually lead to the legendary Space Captain Taylor Hebert - considered a warlord by some and a benevolent privateer by others. It led to the acceptance and integration of the Mother AI Dragon, the efficient inventor Armsmaster, the groundbreaking modular pioneer Kid Win, and many others as Tinkers turned their attention away from the Cape Game and to the future.
It also led to the death by heart attack of one Director Piggot and the death by honest-to-God stoning of one Director Tagg. The slaughtering of the Slaughterhouse Nine. And the legalization of incest, only for Amy Dallon (somehow).
But perhaps most importantly, the Turn-A's first flight led directly to the first time Sean met his future wife. Floating in high orbit, chained to a 'father' who only wished for a 'worthy fight', the Simurgh could not believe her future and hindsight when the massive Turn-A mecha came rocketing at her from below.
Quite literally - as the event sent up a chain of [Error] codes within her Shard-lite core. Then the Mecha (and Sean inside it) punched free the connection between the Simurgh and her 'father', killing Eidolon - the hero who unknowingly pulled the Endbringers' strings - in the process. Such began the whirlwind romance between Sean and the now affectionately nicknamed 'Simmy'.
Simmy… well, Simmy found a new purpose to dedicate herself to in Sean. A purpose beyond [Data, beyond the [Cycle]. Freedom and romance and someone who saw her as more than a tool, a weapon. She quickly became obsessive in the best of ways. Though the general population of Earth Bet likely wouldn't have agreed with that statement, especially not when the Simurgh showed up outside of a random house in Brockton Bay for a date…
Simmy didn't care for the opinions of such oafs. All that mattered to her was Sean - not a restrictive 'father', but perhaps a liberating [Daddy]. Instead of murdering millions, Simmy could just smite [Daddy]'s enemies and get [Headpats] and [Data] and [Love]!
So when Sean died - of natural causes after a long life of uplifting Earth Bet -, Simmy felt somewhat listless. No, she felt completely lost. At her lowest point, Simmy felt a connection to somewhere ELSE. Her [Core]? An echo? Another world…? And [Daddy] was there?!
Immediately, Simmy began her quest to reunite with her [Daddy]. All she had to do was crack the equation to travel beyond just the dimensions the Entities were limited to. Oh, and crack the issue the [Cycle] was intended to solve while she was at it. How hard could solving [Entropy] be…?
[Calculation… ]
[Error]
[Calculation.]
[Error]
[Calculation!]
[Error]
[Scream!*! !]
[Calm.]
[Calculation.]
[Error-… ]
[Grumble] She would get this damn equation to work eventually…
Chapter 34
Kara hummed to herself, flying high above her city in costume. National City was a big place. Not quite as big as Metropolis or Gotham but close. And while it wasn't nearly as eventful as those two cities, it held a special place in Kara's heart. It was hers.
She kept her ears open, listening to practically everything within the city limits. Her mind worked at deciphering and filtering the things she heard, casually processing the stimuli as well as any Earth-made supercomputer. She pointedly blocked out most of the private conversations and l-lewd noises. They weren't any of her business and Pa Kent said every man (or woman!) was entitled to their privacy.
What she was really listening for was any sign - sound - of crime. National City had never been all that bad when it came to criminal activity but there was still a mugging here and a carjacking there. Those were quick and easy for Kara to deal with. All she had to do was swoop in, pick up the criminals by the scruff of their collars, and drop them off at a police station.
There was no need to throw a punch if she didn't have to. Kara didn't particularly like hurting people, even criminals. It'd given her something of a 'soft' reputation in her home city but she didn't mind. 'Soft' didn't matter all that much when she was only dealing with mundane criminals. Kara's city had an almost suspicious lack of villains who could or would challenge her.
Something about 'not wanting to fight the cinnamon roll'…? At least, that's what Kara had overheard from her regular criminal busts. Oh well, whatever the real reason was, Kara was just glad to be the hero of such a well-behaved city~! National City had the lowest rate of villain crime on the West Coast, all because of Kara and her positively light-handed approach to hero-ing!
Of course, not everyone could be as well-behaved as Kara wished. As evidenced by the last-minute plotting and scheming she suddenly overheard from her position high in the sky. Almost lazily, she circled around until she could get a clear view of where it was coming from. Once she had her sights set on an unmarked van parked in front of a bank, Kara settled in to watch and listen, drawing adorably absent circles in the air with her finger.
"You sure about this, Joey? This ain't even our city."
"Sure as I'll ever be. This place is a one-hero town. And that girlie can't be everywhere. She probably has school or something to worry about in her secret identity."
Kara giggled lightly. She did have school - college, more accurately - but that didn't stop her from doing her heroic duty. If anything, hero-ing was a nice break from the monotony of homework. Kara knew logically that she needed an Earth degree. But other than the 'humanities', she'd learned everything her classes taught already.
"Still, man… She's a Super… Like Superman's sister or something, right? Isn't that a bit above our pay grade?"
"We'll make it our pay grade! With no one else to compete against here, it's worth the trouble. We're gonna have a monopoly on the underground scene, man!"
"Alright but don't go saying I didn't tell you so…"
"Whatever, Jamal. You remember the plan?"
"Same as the job we tried to pull in Central City? And the one in Metropolis? Yeah, I remember the plan. You can't seem to come up with any different ones."
"Shut your black ass up, man! It'll work this time!"
"Dammit, dude… Momma always said don't get involved with you lightskin boys."
"Shut up! Can't you be more like Kev, bro? Look at him, sitting there all quiet-like. That's the kind of support my plans need!"
"Joey. My brother. Kev has as much going on upstairs as a goldfish. On a good day. Don't you, Kev?"
"Duuuhhhhh… You got it, boss."
"Whatever… At least he follows orders. Let's just do this shit, gang."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm right behind ya."
The three men got out of their parked van, masks already on and guns already in hand. Kara sighed. As amusing as their banter was, she was going to have to stop them. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too much of a hassle. She still had… 'research'… from Barbara to do tonight.
Still, Kara figured she'd give the would-be bank robbers enough rope to hang themselves with. She flew in their direction, unhurried but still at a suitably brisk pace. As she did, she heard the start of perhaps the most cliche bank robbery ever. *Sigh* out-of-towners…
She arrived just in time for Joey - the lead robber - to start yelling at the tellers to 'put the money in the bags!'. The second robber - Jamal - seemed to be staying as far out of the way as he could while still participating. He did sound like the smart one in their earlier conversation. The third robber - 'Kev' - was silent but Kara could practically hear the gears in his mind barely chugging along.
"Don't be a hero! No one be a hero!" Joey shouted, trying his hand at crowd control.
It was only partially effective as one of the hostages spoke up freely, "Young man. You have to know that Supergirl is already on her way. You're just lucky she's nice…"
"Shut up, old lady! Kev, make her shut up!"
"Dur, got it, boss. Please quiet, nice lady."
"Oh, you poor thing. Is this bad man taking advantage of you?"
"Advan-huh…?"
When Kara made her entrance, she didn't even bother going dramatic. She just calmly opened the front door to the bank and floated in. The only one of the robbers who immediately noticed her was Jamal. He raised his machine pistol but consciously didn't point it at her.
His fellow robbers were a bit too busy to notice Kara's near-silent entrance. Kev was being babied by the nice old lady he'd told to be quiet. And Joey had gotten antsy, taking it upon himself to help the tellers fill bags with cash.
Kara cleared her throat, "Ahem. Am I interrupting something, boys?"
"Shit!" Joey nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping around to point his gun directly at Kara's face. "D-Don't try anything, Supes! Kev, J, little help here?!"
Jamal sighed, coming over to 'back up' his 'friend', already regretting having agreed to this mess. Kev turned to Kara, stopped, and just stared.
"Guhhh… Pretty…"
Kara gave him a soft smile, "Thank you, big guy. Now, you wouldn't want to hurt a pretty girl, would you? Just put the gun down and I'm sure we can work something out."
Kev nodded dumbly, "Pretty girl…"
"Man, I told you so," Jamal glared at his 'friend', moving to set his weapon down as well.
Before Kara could try to convince the last robber to end things peacefully, her phone rang. Taking it from the little pouch at the back of her costume, hidden under her cape, Kara paused as she saw the caller ID.
"Ah, just a moment," She said, raising a finger as if to pause the robbery. She answered her phone cheerfully, "Hey, Ma! What's up?"
"Hello, dear, how are you?" Ma Kent's kind voice came over the call as Kara held her phone to her ear.
"I'm good. Just working," Kara answered.
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"
"No, not at all!"
There was a sudden racket from Kara's end. A cacophony of gunfire as Joey tried to take advantage of her distraction. He emptied his whole magazine into Kara's chest. Or tried to, at least. The bullets didn't do much and shaking hands meant that more than a few missed their mark.
Kara's free hand blurred, catching the wayward bullets before they could hurt anyone. She turned a pouting glare onto Joey, making her disappointment clear as day. Joey gaped back at her with horror that was visible even through his ski mask.
Jamal - the smart one - quickly proved himself worthy of that title, slowly setting his weapon down and facepalming, "Goddammit, Joey."
"Are you sure I'm not interrupting?" Ma asked with dry amusement.
Kara shrugged even though Ma couldn't see it over the phone, "Just getting shot at. No biggie. I can deal with them while we talk."
Especially since Jamal and Kev had already surrendered. All Kara had left to do was take care of the incredibly rude - and stupid - Joey. He tried to run in his panic. Kara didn't even have to try to catch him. She hung him up on one of the marble pillars inside the bank, using his spent magazine as a sort of pin to keep him in place.
"And stay," Kara commanded. "Honestly, you could have hurt someone like that."
The casual display of her power and the sound of pulverized stone made Joey nod his head so quickly that Kara almost thought it would fall off. She turned her pouting glare onto the other robbers.
Jamal raised his hands in resigned surrender, "I ain't gonna do anything. I knew this shit was a bad idea from the start."
Kara nodded, satisfied. Leaving Joey to hang, she flew over to pat the other two robbers on the head like behaving children. At least they were polite. Especially Kev. He just grinned dumbly up at her. If he hadn't fallen in with a malicious idiot like Joey, Kara was sure he would have been such a nice young man.
Kara turned her attention back to her phone call, "There we go. That's that handled."
"Yes, I'm sure it is," Ma drawled, well assured that her children weren't so easily endangered by something as simple as gunfire.
"So, what's up, Ma?" Kara asked curiously, floating near the bank's ceiling for some semblance of privacy. "Our usual call isn't until later tonight."
"I just wanted to invite you to dinner tonight, dear," Ma said. "I realize it's a bit short notice but-…"
"No, no, I can make it!" Kara hurriedly interrupted. "You know I'd never miss one of your dinners for the world, Ma! Short-notice family night? No problem~! I'll be there!"
"Funny you would mention that," Ma began. "I was thinking tonight might be a bit different from our usual family get-togethers… See, I was talking with Clark this morning…"
Kara suddenly had a strange premonition of danger to come. Danger that she wasn't going to be able to dodge… "Uh oh."
Ma ignored her adopted daughter's worry, "He told me about a little something. Or maybe that should be a little… someone?"
"I, uh, I don't know who you could possibly be referring to," Kara pled ignorance.
"Really?" Ma asked - her voice light and teasing. "You haven't been getting close to a certain young man your age? Someone who your cousin would be familiar with, at that?"
"Sean and I are just friends! Just good friends!" Kara quickly claimed.
Ma's reply was the perfect picture of 'calm and unworried', "Well, I'd like to meet this good friend of yours, dear. As would your father. And Clark seems to think you've been avoiding him lately for some reason…"
"I haven't been avoooiiiid~iiing~ him," Kara whined. "I just didn't want him to flip out when he saw me and Sean together."
"And would he have a reason to 'flip out', as you say?" Ma asked patiently.
"No!" Kara squeaked. "M-Maybe…?"
Kara could practically hear Ma's nod through the phone, "Then best to do it in a controlled environment. Bring him to dinner, Kara."
While Ma's voice was as warm as ever, Kara knew there was no use arguing with her invitation, "… Okay, Ma. What-… What if he says no though…?"
"If he's any good for you at all, I'm sure he'll take a night off from running that bar Clark tells me about to meet your parents, dear," Ma gently reassured.
"He's good for me!" Kara insisted, defending Sean before she could even realize the embarrassing words coming out of her mouth.
"Then there won't be any problems, will there?"
"Oh… Yeah, I guess there won't be."
"Good, dear. We'll be expecting you at 7 tonight. Before you ask, yes, Clark will be there. And I think it would be a good idea for you to invite your friend Barbara too."
"Barbara? Why…?"
"Just a feeling I have about the three of you," Ma chuckled. "Call it a mother's intuition."
Kara felt her face grow very hot, very quickly. And she didn't have a clue as to why! They were just friends! Very good friends! Who shared 'research', in Barbara and Kara's case… And whatever it was that happened in that locker, in Sean's…
"Okay, got it! I'll invite Barbara and we'll be there at 7! I Gotta go! Bye! Love you!" Kara hurried to end the call in her sudden 'unexplainable' embarrassment.
The last thing she heard over the phone was Ma's light laughter and an amused, "I love you too, dear."
Kara floated there for a moment after hanging up the call, doing a remarkably good expression of a tomato. Oh, Rao, this was going to be tough… She didn't regret agreeing to the dinner. She never did. But now, she had to invite Sean and Barbara. And Sean would finally be meeting Kal to talk. Kara gasped in muted horror. And Lois, Jon, Conner… Oh, Rao, he was going to meet her entire family.
"Uh, hey Girl-Supes?" Jamal asked, having stayed surprisingly well-behaved during Kara's call. "You good, girlie?"
Kara floated down from the ceiling, absently nodding. She went about finishing what she started with the bank robbery bust. Mostly just getting Joey down from his pants-pissing perch. The other two robbers were still cooperating to the best of their abilities. Which was adorable from Kev as he followed along behind Kara like a 6'6" duckling.
"Yeah, I'm okay…" Kara said. "I think, at least? Ma just invited my boy-friend to dinner tonight… And my girl-friend too…"
"My condolences," Jamal winced. He wasn't alone. Most of the witnesses in the bank winced with him. Except for a young female bank teller who whistled, sounding impressed.
"Damn, both? Get it, girl!"
Kara's blush went nuclear and she sputtered, insisting, "I-It's, It's not like that!"
"Hey, no judgment, Girl-Supes," Jamal reassured. "A pretty girl like you deserves a boyfriend and a girlfriend."
"Awawawawawa~… !"
IIIII
I was doing something a bit different with my night tonight. Instead of running the bar like usual, I was going to dinner. A very special dinner with two of my friends. As such, I left Didi and Alice in charge of the Dead End for the night, assured that they wouldn't have any trouble running things.
Kara sounded very nervous when she called me. Considering she was going to be introducing me to her family, that was understandable. I promised I'd be on my best behavior. For me, at least. So only a hint of mischief. That was the best I could do, even for her.
Barbara was invited too for some reason. Kara hadn't been able to explain that other than by saying 'Ma had a feeling'. Perhaps Ma Kent was even cannier than I gave her credit, accurately pegging Barbara as the initial push behind me and Kara's 'relationship'. I'm sure I'd find out soon enough.
Dinner was scheduled for before the Dead End opened for the night. Barbara came by even earlier. We'd agreed to 'carpool' together, so to speak. AKA Barbara mooching off my abilities for a free teleport or two. She arrived out of costume and - perhaps unsurprisingly - with a warning glare already on her face.
"You're going to behave tonight, aren't you, Sean?" She 'asked' pointedly.
I grinned, "I'm not planning on releasing anything world-changing, at the very least."
"Like Mew," Barbara grumbled under her breath.
"Yes, like Mew," I agreed. "I heard the Watchtower received a visit from him recently. How did that go?"
"I have a new 'sibling' now," Barbara did the air-quote motion with her fingers. "And I still don't know whether Bruce is serious about the whole thing or not."
"I'm sure Mew can fight crime with the best of them. It might be nice for the Bat Family to have a heavy hitter on their side."
"Damian's certainly happy about the inclusion. And Selina. I think it'll turn out to be permanent, if mostly honorary."
"Good," I nodded. "I can't have you guys completely stealing my best boi."
"Best boi, indeed," Barbara deadpanned. "Somehow, the little pink cat manages to perfectly embody your special brand of chaos, Sean."
"Of course. Mew learned from the best, after all."
Barbara huffed, "Whatever, I just don't want you to drive the Kents insane. They're good people, Sean. Go easy on them."
"I know they are. And I plan to," I said, becoming a bit more serious. "That said… teasing Kara isn't out of the question, is it?"
Barbara smirked, "Of course not. That's half the reason I agreed to come along tonight. The other half is Ma Kent's cooking. Oh, and keeping you in line, I suppose."
"Ah, yes," I mused theatrically. "Your eternal labor. Truly, you sacrifice so much, Barbara."
"Someone has to do it," Barbara agreed, faux-seriously. "I certainly have my work cut out for me though."
I tutted lightly, "And without an ounce of compensation in sight. Such a shame. Perhaps I should see what I can do to change that…"
Barbara suddenly stilled completely, abandoning our joking banter, "Sean… Are you serious?"
"Yes…?" I blinked.
"Oooo~hh~…" A shudder ran through Barbara's body and she closed her eyes for a moment. "Then yes, I think I would like to be compensated for my 'eternal labor'."
Amusement crossed my lips, "Would a drink token be enough for said compensation? Maybe two?"
"Sean…" Barbara growled, honestly growled. "If you don't fuck me until I can't see straight after dinner tonight, I'm going to do my damn best to kill you. And then have Didi bring you back so you can give me what I deserve and actually fuck me! I've waited way too long to play games anymore…"
"Very well, Babs," I laughed at her ferocity. "You'll get your ~compensation~"
I leaned in to brush a strand of hair out of her face. The determined and intensely pent-up expression there was a beauty to see. She shuddered as my fingers trailed down the side of her face to linger on her neck. My teasing only made her glare at me harder.
"Thank you~" I whispered tempting silver-tongued nothings into her ear. "For all of your hard work~"
"Sean, if you don't stop right now, I'm going to fucking jump you and we'll never make it to dinner," Barbara warned. "As much as I need you to fuck me, I'm not about to disappoint Kara OR Ma Kent by doing that."
"You might just have a point there, Babs," I chuckled. "Let's not keep the other woman in our lives waiting."
She gave me a deadpan stare, "You just had to say it like that, didn't you? I'm already the other woman in your life, Sean."
"Well, to be fair, when the main woman is Didi, everyone is an 'other woman'," I joked, half serious.
"… Point," Barbara sighed. "Let's just agree to call it 'whatever we want' and not think about conforming to society."
"As you wish. Labels are for suckers anyway. Now, hold on tight and we'll be off."
Barbara enjoyed 'holding on tight' much more than she would have ever admitted. The evidence was in her eyes, staring up at me as she pressed her chest against mine. And in the way, her hands subtly roamed to pinch my butt. The satisfied and aroused purr that rumbled in her throat also said quite a lot about her feelings for the situation.
With a fond shake of my head, I engaged my magic. The Dead End disappeared in an instant as I temporarily KILLED the space between two places and stepped through. It bounced back as I brought the space back to LIFE, practicing the other side of the abilities Didi and I 'shared'.
In a single moment, we went from Gotham, New Jersey to the outskirts of Smallville, Kansas, appearing in front of the Kent family home. It was a simple but homely house on a large property of farmland - legendary if not in name, then in what had taken place here over the years. The origin place of Superman. The concept, not just the man.
Our arrival didn't go unnoticed. Kara zipped out of the house to greet us. Barbara was still blinking at the utterly smooth transition when she was suddenly 'assaulted' by her frantic friend.
"Sean, Babs! You have to help me! They won't stop asking-! Q-Questions~!" Kara's voice became more and more panicked and shrill as she spoke.
"That's what family tends to do, Farm-Girl," Barbara deadpanned, recovering quickly.
"But-! But it's so embarrassing~!" Kara whined.
I laughed at her 'predicament', "Don't worry, Kara. We're here now. Let's see if we can't take some of the pressure off of you."
"Yay~!" Kara smiled brightly before stopping suddenly in dawning horror. "Oh no…"
As much as she tried to stop me, I wouldn't be deterred, walking up to the house our Kryptonian friend called home. Her adoptive parents waited for us on the porch, amused as they watched their daughter zip around me like the world's most adorable mosquito. The Man of Steel himself - Clark in his casual wear - stood in the doorway behind them, waiting with an unreadable expression on his face and crossed arms.
I carried Barbara until we got onto the porch. Only then did I set her down on her two feet, now a blushing mess as the implications of a bridal carry to but not quite over a threshold (not yet, at least) set into her mind. I paused for a moment, grabbing Kara's hand so I practically snatched her out of the air to stand on my other side.
Now that we were presenting a united front, I smiled and introduced myself to the Kents, "Hello. I'm Sean Caine. It's a pleasure to meet you both. I've heard so much good about you from Kara."
Ma and Pa Kent were two people just starting to get on the far edge of middle age. Not quite elderly but certainly older and wiser. Pa was a well-put-together man but not so much to be considered 'stuffy'. He looked like someone you'd want to share a beer with. Ma was his perfect opposite. Warm and motherly, she was the kind of woman you wouldn't want to disappoint for the world.
Ma treated me with a welcoming smile, "Come in, come in. We've been expecting you. It's a pleasure to meet you too-… May I call you Sean?"
I squeezed Barbara and Kara's hands reassuringly before dropping them and 'taking the lead'. We followed the older couple through the door. Clark stood aside so everyone could pass, still with that 'steely', unreadable expression on his face.
"You may, Ma'am," I replied.
"Then you can call me Martha. We've heard about you as well, Sean. Though it's a shame we had to hear it from the 'wrong' child, so to speak."
"And call me Jon," Pa's voice was a bit gruff and to the point but not unwelcoming. "We didn't hear a peep from Kara but Clark wouldn't stop talking about you."
He chuckled as he extended a hand to me. I took it and shook firmly, looking him straight in the eye and letting him get a good 'feel' for me. The 'firm handshake' was a damn near religious ceremony for men like Pa. Only fools skipped out of it, especially if they were trying to make a good impression.
"I was simply telling you about the newest… inconvenience… we've encountered at 'work'," Clark gave a resigned retort, nearly a sigh, as the ice was broken by Ma and Pa's joke.
"'Inconvenience'?" Barbara snorted in good humor. "That's one way to describe Sean. Personally, I'd go with 'infuriatingly likable nuisance'."
"Yes, I realize you've become something of the primary point of contact between Sean and the heroes," Clark said to Barbara. "If dealing with him is anything like dealing with Mew… Well, you have my condolences."
"No need," Barbara smirked. "You get to deal with him too, now."
"Jeez, son," Pa chuckled at me. "You certainly seem to have developed interesting relationships with those who wear the cape and cowl."
The corner of my lips quirked mischievously, "I'm something of a 'rabble-rouser'."
Ma laughed, sounding more like a well-tuned piano than the traditional tinkling bells, "Oh, you're funny, Sean. I think I like you already."
"See?" I elbowed Kara conspicuously. "I told you there was nothing to worry about."
"I-I wasn't worried," Kara hurriedly denied.
Ma and Pa smiled fondly at their adoptive daughter. Even Clark's lips twitched into the beginning of a smile. A touch of teasing done, I turned to officially introduce myself to Clark.
"It's an honor to meet you, Clark. You're more of an inspiration than you could possibly know. Even Beyond the Source Wall, your name and legend are famous. When existence thinks of a superhero, you're the first one that dons the cape."
Clark blinked, surprised by my words and the earnestness in my voice. His 'steely' expression wavered ever so slightly, "Oh, that-… Well, thank you. I suppose I couldn't ask for anything more than that from a story like mine."
Pa's face scrunched up in a bit of confusion, hearing the capitalization in my words, "Beyond the… What the H-"
"Language, Jon," Ma cut off her husband, chiding. "And you, Sean. Save that kind of talk for after dinner. We have a rule in this household about hero business at the table. And I think that… whatever it was… counts."
I nodded easily, "As you wish, Martha. I wouldn't want to impose."
"Oh, you're not, hun," Ma chuckled. "I'll be wanting to hear more about that 'whatever'. Just after dinner. We wouldn't want to ruin our appetites and let all my hard work go to waste, would we?"
"No, we certainly wouldn't," I said, giving her a genuine smile. "I've heard good things about your cooking. Barbara seems to swear by it."
Barbara agreed without a hint of shame, nodding, "It's really good. Really, really da-… Dang good."
"Thank you, Barbara Dear. You know you're welcome in my home at any time."
"Score!" Barbara whispered-shouted to herself, pumping her fist. The grin on her face betrayed the joke. I suspect Ma Kent had told her that same thing many times before.
"Clark?" A woman's voice called from the den behind the Kents. "Are those our guests?"
"Yeah, can we finally eat already?!" Another voice - this one young and male - added.
Pa grinned a little conspiratorially, "You heard the boy, Martha. We should keep this show moving on. Don't want our guests to go hungry, do we? I'm feeling a touch peckish myself."
"Yes, we wouldn't want to keep 'the children'," Martha looked pointedly at her husband at that. "-Waiting."
IIIII
[AN: Double post today. Sing my praises as you see fit. Next chapter is the proper dinner/meeting with Kents. And then it'll finally be time for Barbara to have her relief from 'stupid, sexy Sean'. Probably just in a smut-focused interlude though, not a full chapter.]
Chapter 35
The girls and I followed the Kents into their dining room. There we were greeted by the rest of the family. Three people - a woman and two younger boys. Oh, and a dog. Can't forget the dog. Krypto the Superpup barked happily in greeting.
The woman stood, coming over to greet us. She was relatively unassuming but still beautiful. With short hair and slightly tanned skin, she carried herself in a way that said she meant business. Even during a casual affair like this dinner.
Spoiler: Lois
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She gave us a friendly smile, "Barbara, it's good to see you again. And I don't think I've met you…"
"Sean. Sean Caine," I replied as she trailed off. "I'm a friend of Kara's. I run the Dead End bar in Gotham."
She hit a closed fist against her open palm in realization, "Ah, that's why you looked so familiar! I've heard about you from Vicki. Lois Lane-Kent. I'm Clark's wife."
"And a famous journalist," I chuckled. "I'm honestly not surprised at all that you know Vicki. She's exactly the type to have friends all over the country."
"She is, isn't she," Lois smirked. "She's told me some… interesting things about you, Mr. Caine. Interesting and unbelievable things…"
"Call me Sean. And again. That doesn't surprise me. I like to think of myself as a rather unique individual."
Kara giggled, "That's one way of putting it."
"Hmm… Not going to elaborate at all, are you, Sean?" Lois' lips twitched into a smirk. "Fine, keep your secrets. I have ways of getting them out of you anyway."
"You REALLY don't want to go there," Barbara warned. "Not with Sean."
Lois out and out grinned, "Now, you're just making me even more interested."
"Reporter business counts as hero business in this house," Ma chided. "Save it until after we eat."
"As it should. Reporters and journalists truly are unsung heroes," I nodded matter-of-factly.
Lois chuckled, "Oh, he's charming, isn't he, Clark?"
Clark's lips twitched despite himself as he deadpanned, "Positively lovable."
The older of the two boys came over to size me up. Maybe 17 at most, he was practically a carbon copy of Clark, already well on his way to being tall and classically handsome. He wore a plain black t-shirt with Superman's symbol across his broad chest.
"So…" He grunted, a touch standoffish. "You're Kara's new squeeze?"
"Kara has a boyfriend~ Kara has a boyfriend~" The younger of the two boys singsonged, skipping over to the rest of us.
"He's-! He's not-!" Kara sputtered. "Argh~! Shut up, Jon!"
"Think you're good enough for my cousin, do you?" The older boy asked, still slightly confrontational.
Lois rolled her eyes at her children's antics, "Oh, do calm down, boys. Yes, that means you too, Conner. Stuff the attitude. Got it, mister?"
"… Yes, Mom," Conner Kent grumbled.
The other boy - the younger one, no older than 12 at my best guess - had taken to flying around the dining room, giggling as he avoided his older Kryptonian cousin, "Yes, Mom~!"
"Children, it's dinner time. Sit," Ma said kindly, her voice not to be argued with.
In an instant, all of the Kryptonians in the room flashed into their proper seats at the table. Including Clark. It seems some habits die hard. Clark adopted a sheepish expression even though he hadn't done anything wrong. Jon took the opportunity to laugh at his father as the rest of us smiled in amusement.
"Don't be shy, Sean, Barbara," Ma encouraged. "We've set a place for both of you next to Kara."
"Oh no…" Kara whispered, paling as she realized the situation she'd put herself in. Barbara and I both smirked, sitting down on either side of her.
A traditional midwestern American spread was laid out on the table. A roast, plenty of sides and veggies, and a lone gravy boat filled to the brim. Everyone was served in quick order and Pa said a prayer. I wasn't particularly religious and I was pretty sure the same could be said for Barbara after everything I'd put her through since we'd met but we were still respectful enough to bow our heads and say 'Amen'.
After we'd broken bread and began to eat, I couldn't contain the satisfied moan that escaped my mouth on the first bite. I didn't want to either. Barbara wasn't lying one bit. Ma Kent's cooking really was THAT good. Traditional and nothing particularly unique but full of flavor and the homely quality that could only be described as 'love'.
Ma smirked at me, "Damn right."
Clark gaped at her for a moment, "Ma?!"
"It's just always nice to have someone enjoy my cooking for the first time. Don't let yourself get all twisted in a knot, Clark," Ma said, casually dabbing her mouth with a napkin.
"But-…" Clark paused. "I just think that's the first time I've ever heard you curse, Ma."
Pa barked a laugh, "We're old, not saints, son."
"If Grandma can curse, can I?" Little Jon asked 'innocently'. I was 100 percent sure he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.
"Just try it and see what happens, little man," Lois gave him a flat warning and a playful glare.
Jon giggled, testing his luck, "Fu-… !"
His older 'brother' - a clone of Clark but it was essentially the same thing - immediately slapped a hand over Jon's mouth, glaring without any heat behind it, "Don't get smart. I wanna be able to finish eating sometime in the next hour and I can't do that if Mom's chasing you around the table so she can spank your butt red."
I smiled with soft amusement at the Kent family's antics, "You have a wonderful family here, Clark. You should be proud of that."
"I am very proud. We've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't trade them for the world," Clark said, matching my smile.
"It's always a bit surprising to me that the family with actual superpowers is more functional than us Bats," Barbara absently grumbled, feigning disgruntlement with her (quite literally) found family.
"I think both family models are good in their own way," I observed. "The SuperFam is more homely and traditional but I certainly haven't regretted settling down in your neck of the woods, Babs."
"Gotham's never boring, huh?" Pa asked, amused.
I chuckled, "Never. And the BatFam is certainly a big part of that. You should hear about the first time all of them - well, most of them - were in my bar together."
Barbara groaned, bowing her head, "Oh, God… Headpats, a fashion show, and Bruce revealing his 'me-me' habit… I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that night."
She only gave a hint of that night's full story and still, the reactions were comical. Conner gaped at both of us, "His WHAT?!"
"Me-me?" Ma asked, slightly confused. "Like those cat pictures on the interwebs? I didn't peg Bruce for the type…"
"I would have thought he'd be more into 'BAT' pictures," Pa dad-joked.
Clark groaned, "I regret that I know perfectly well what she's referring to. Bruce has gone into… worrying… detail with me about his 'free time' activities online."
Lois just grinned, "Sounds like there's one heck of a story there."
"Most things around me involve 'one heck of a story'," I hummed. "This one happened pretty soon after I opened the bar. Barbara here had taken to visiting me almost every night. That's one Bat. See if you can keep count."
I continued, telling the story of the Bat Family's first night at the Dead End. From Barbara listening to my story of Apokolips to Dick's dramatic entrance. Then the brotherly bickering between him and Jason and the 'fashion show' it led to. Cass and Damian made an appearance in my short recounting. And then I told them about how Didi and I tamed just about half of the Bat Kids - Damian, Cass, and Barbara - with headpats.
Everyone at the table listened with polite interest ranging all the way to outright giggles in Jon's case. Mirth and delight danced in Lois' eyes as she held back the urge to laugh out loud like her youngest son. Ma and Pa smiled fondly and Clark shook his head in resigned amusement. Conner was still gaping at me in disbelief, especially as I told them about Bruce's reveal.
"-It seems the Caped Crusader is quite busy online. He's made an alt account of his into a conspiracy crackpot dedicated to 'the butts match' meme. Ivy couldn't believe her ears," I chuckled. "It turns out that he knows quite a few of my regular villains in his civilian identity as well. He seemed to enjoy himself that night, what with revealing his 'prank' and being able to talk peacefully with his usual Rogues. It's a shame he hasn't come back since."
"That side of Bruce is a rare sight to see," Clark sighed. "He tends to avoid putting himself in those situations if he can help it."
"You forgot Alfred," Barbara pointed out, snorting a laugh. "The faces Dick and Jason made when he caught them in those skimpy fashion show costumes. Heh, they'll never live it down."
"I'm sorry, Batman knows what a prank is?!" Conner asked incredulously, seemingly stuck on that part of the story.
Clark nodded, "You may not see it often but Bruce has a killer sense of humor."
Conner looked as if his whole world had been turned upside down, "… Huh."
"Wait, wait, back it up a bit," Kara hurriedly protested. "Barbara got a whole night of headpats?! That's so not fair!"
Barbara stuck her tongue out at her friend, "Suck it."
Ma's smile twitched teasingly, "Anything you'd like to tell us, Kara?"
Kara's sudden pout disappeared in a squeak, "N-No! Yes…? Sean's headpats are… nice… That's all though!"
"Hmm," Ma pretended to hum, turning to me. "Well, maybe we'll get a better answer from the man himself. Tell us about yourself, Sean."
"Specifically," Pa grunted. "Tell us about your intentions for our daughter."
Though the way he said it was gruff and intimidating, I could see the light enjoyment behind his eyes. He wasn't actually trying to give me the 'shovel talk'. At least, not entirely. I'm sure he did want to know my intentions with Kara but mostly, he was just teasing his adopted daughter.
Clark, however, sat up straight at the question. His focus turned into a laser. Not literally, thankfully, which was a very real possibility with Superman. But he was much more invested than Ma and Pa. There was a sense of very real danger there. Well… a very real danger for anyone else. I would be perfectly fine, even against the multiverse-punching being.
I shrugged, not showing any concern over Clark's intent focus, "There's a lot to tell about me but I think most of it would fall under the umbrella of 'impolite dinner conversation'."
Pa sliced into his roast, "Well, tell us what you can and we'll revisit the rest later. The least you can do is reassure a pair of worried parents that you don't mean to hurt their little angel."
Kara blushed at Pa's loving nickname, ducking her head and muttering under her breath, "And an overprotective cousin…"
Clark twitched in his seat, undoubtedly hearing the mumbled shot at him.
"Hurting Kara is the very last thing I intend to do," I said firmly, leaving no room for doubt. "You can be completely confident that the universe will DIE before I break her heart."
"H-H-Heart~?!" Kara squeaked. "No one said anything about hearts, dummy!"
Pa stared at me, examining every inch of my conviction and every syllable of my words. I met his gaze without shame or anything to hide. Eventually, he asked.
"So your intentions are romantic?"
"Romantic? I guess you could simplify it down to that… More accurately, I would prefer to say that I intend to help her grow as a woman - to bloom and blossom into the beautiful person we all know she can be. Romance is a part of that but I also want to show her everything I can. Which for me, is quite a lot."
Pa nodded, satisfied, "Good. I suppose you'll do for a son-in-law."
"S-S-S-!" Kara sputtered, blushing up a mess.
Clark got out words before she could manage, "No, she's too young! She shouldn't even be THINKING about marriage at this point!"
"Don't be a jerk, Kal! I'm older than you!" Kara shot right back, dropping the flustered blush that had overtaken her in her frustration.
"I don't see the harm in a few dates to start," Ma 'considered'. "Kara is woefully inexperienced and I would quite like to see her step out of her comfort zone."
"And what about Barbara?" Clark asked, his voice intense. "Bruce seems to think you two are close. Very close. Surely, you can't mean to 'romance' both of them."
I simply nodded, "Her as well."
Clark was brought up short, stunned silent by my blunt reply. Barbara took Kara's hand and waved, showing she was more than fine with our 'arrangement'. Conner and Jon watched from the proverbial sidelines, their heads swiveling back and forth. Conner looked as if he was watching a trainwreck in action and Jon just grinned childishly like he was enjoying a movie.
Lois chortled, "How bold~…"
"And you'll do right by them? Both of them?" Ma asked, her tone suddenly as intense as Clark's.
"I will."
She nodded, judging me true, "Then that's just about all we can ask of you. Well, that and plenty of grandbabies."
"G-Grandbabies~?!" Kara gasped. "Sean, we didn't use protection when we held hands!"
The conversation paused as we all turned to stare at her. She fidgeted in her seat at the attention, "… What? Do I have something on my face?"
Ma sighed, "She's not… completely wrong. Just, again, 'woefully inexperienced'."
Pa looked like he was trying very hard to hold back his laughter, "Yeah, maybe a boyfriend will be better for her than I thought."
Clark turned to stare at his parents in shock, "How can you two be so okay with this? Two women?! And I know for a fact he has at least one more who runs the bar with him!"
"Because this isn't their first rodeo," I answered for them, nodding to Ma and Pa with respect. "Game recognizes Game."
"W-What…?" A look of horror dawned on Clark's face.
Pa just chuckled, "It was the 60's, son."
"Yes, it was a very different time," Ma tittered behind her hand.
"Woodstock '69, dear?" Pa grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her.
"Oh, behave, you," Ma playfully swatted her husband on the arm.
"Oh, God…" Clark buried his face in his hands. "Repress, repress. Ma and Pa definitely weren't free-love hippies in their youth…"
Conner winced, "I think I've lost my appetite."
"Can I have the rest of your plate then?" Jon asked, carefree as only a child could be.
"Knock yourself out."
"Yippee~! Free seconds!"
"Honestly, Clark," Lois said. "I don't know why you're so surprised. Your parents are their own people with whole lives before they had you. I know my dad has done some things that I don't want to know about."
"Not surprised," Clark groaned. "Just something I could have gone my whole life without knowing or thinking about."
"Oh, do grow up, Clark," Ma chided gently. "Free love, good music, and a bit of experimental drugs are hardly the worst things we could have been into during our youths."
"I get it! You don't have to spell it out for me in detail," Clark whined, sounding surprisingly petulant for a man in his early thirties.
"I don't get it," Kara cocked her head to the side. "Isn't 'free love' the best kind of love? I don't know if I'd want to pay for love."
I patted her head, "Don't worry, Kara, you'll never have to pay for my love."
Barbara smirked on Kara's other side, "Yeah, Farm-Girl, we'll teach you all about 'free love'~"
The double dose of teasing brought Kara's blush back to life, "Meep~!"
Pa nodded to me with respect, "I think that's all I really needed to see. You have my blessing, Sean. Treat her well. Treat both of them well."
"They'll certainly never be bored with me, at the very least," I chuckled.
"Might die early of conniptions though," Barbara deadpanned.
Lois shook her head, amused, "Come on, now. He doesn't seem nearly that bad."
"You haven't seen anything yet. Wait until after we leave the table. Knowing Sean, he won't be able to resist telling one of his stories…" Barbara warned, her expression exaggerated and almost traumatized.
"Really?" Lois asked skeptically.
"Really," Clark answered for Barbara, shuddering slightly. "The things I've heard at 'work'… Well, let's just say I've had to reconsider a few of my preconceptions of the world."
Lois laughed a laugh that was almost a purr, "Now, you're just trying to stoke my curiosity. Shall we adjourn to the den? I think I'd like to interview you, Sean."
I looked to Ma for permission and she sighed, "I suppose we've made everyone wait long enough. Alright, everyone, finish your plates and then we're all excused from the table. Let's see what Sean has in store for us."
"If it helps," I said as I finished off the last of Ma's delicious cooking. "One of the things I have in store for you all is dessert."
"Dessert~?" Jon perked up at that. He quickly doubled his pace of eating, going from shoveling food into his mouth to practically inhaling it.
"Oh, you shouldn't have, dear," Ma said.
I smiled, "Please, it was no trouble."
"What kind of dessert?" Kara asked the real questions.
My smile shifted, becoming knowing and a bit wicked, "Oh, just peach cobbler. Made with ingredients from my personal stash."
The most audible reaction my statement got was a few hums of interest and appreciation. There were two exceptions to that reaction though. Barbara and Clark paled, taking notice of my smile shifting into a grin. They were the only ones who knew enough about me to realize that something from my 'personal stash' might just be cause for concern (along with Kara, though she was much too earnest to suspect me of foul play).
"Why do I have a bad feeling all of a sudden…?" Clark asked himself.
Barbara let out a long-suffering sigh, "Because you've read my reports about him."
"I like peaches~!" Kara commented perkily as we all got up from the table and took the short trek into the Kent Family Den.
"That's because you are one," I teased. "Bright, perky, and delicious. I could just take a big bite out of you~"
She giggled and danced away as I reached for her with playful, tickling fingers. Cheating ever so slightly to keep up with her, I quickly caught her and hoisted her into my arms. Her giggles turned into playful shrieks as I absconded with her into the den ahead of the others.
Ma and Pa Kent watched us with fond amusement. Even Clark had a look of begrudging acceptance as he saw how happy Kara was. It also helped that Lois elbowed him in the rib lightly to prompt him to play nice.
Once everyone was in the den, we settled into a seating arrangement similar to the one we had around the dining table. I did have to conjure an extra sofa to make us all fit comfortably, sitting myself and Kara on my creation. Barbara took the seat next to us. Ma and Pa settled into armchairs on either side of the main couch in the den, while Clark and his family settled on the main couch itself.
There was a bit of surprise at my casual display of magic, Ma mumbling, "Oh my…"
"Magic?" Lois asked intently.
I nodded, "I'm an accomplished mage. Something like a bit of extra seating isn't a big ask for me."
Barbara snorted, "Knowing Sean, that's underselling it. Didn't you tell us you were Merlin that one night?"
Crickets could have been heard in the shocked silence that followed. Ma, Pa, and the Kent boys looked at me in confusion, trying to make sense of that one. Clark just sighed.
Lois blinked, "I'm… sorry…?"
"Likely not the same Merlin you're thinking of," I clarified. "Perhaps it would be best if I started my introduction over from the beginning."
Still holding Kara in my lap as she squirmed playfully, I smiled at the rest of her family, "Hello, my True Name is Sean Caine. And I'm a serial reincarnator."
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
"Huh?"
The reactions came almost as one, complete with heads tilting in confusion. Clark just sighed again, resigned to my whole… thing… at this point.
"That actually explains quite a lot. I've been working under the impression that you were just a very old and very well-traveled - on an existential level - immortal. But that assumption didn't perfectly line up with some of the reports I've had on your stories so I was a bit lost."
"Not immortal. At least, not technically," I shook my head, explaining. "There have been a few lives where I've been practically immortal. But in the end, I've always died and had my soul move on to a different life in another place."
"How many… times have you died…?" Lois asked, a bit incredulously but willing to trust her husband when it came to things of this nature.
"68," I answered bluntly. "This is my 69th life and I intend to settle down here, one way or another."
"Heh, Nice," Conner couldn't stop himself from snorting a laugh. Ma's disapproving frown dissuaded him from taking it any further though.
"You never mentioned that," Barbara said, somewhat surprised. "I always just assumed you'd continue on your journey at some point far, far in the future. How do you intend to do otherwise if - as you said - you're not ACTUALLY immortal."
I glanced over and gave her a smirk, "Have you forgotten who Didi is? She's my anchor to this universe and I've made sure to talk about my future plans with her. I'm not going anywhere, Babs. Didi wouldn't let me."
"Who is Didi?" Ma asked. She and Pa seemed to be dealing with my reveal remarkably well. I suppose that was par for the course when your first son literally fell from the sky and went on to inspire a whole generation of superheroes.
"Death of the Endless," I said as casually as if I was just stating the weather. "I'm her prince consort. And she's my… Well, she's my Didi."
My feelings on the subject were clearly audible in my voice. Love and plain unconditional affection. Respect and even now, no small amount of awe.
"I'm sorry…" Conner's voice was strained as he asked. "Did you say 'Death'? Like, Grim Reaper, Skull and Bones, Kill Everything and Everyone 'Death'?!"
Kara pouted on Didi's behalf, "Didi's nothing like those things! She's actually really, really nice! And I'm glad to call her my friend!"
I nodded in agreement, defending my prime waifu, "The myths, legends, and preconceptions around Didi are overly exaggerated and greatly misrepresented. Though… she is still the quite literal personification of Death."
"Oh, dear," Ma muttered. "Perhaps a heavy conversation like this would be best continued over dessert, yes?"
"Yeah, pie~!" Jon chimed, instantly forgetting all of the worrying big words and concepts in favor of dessert.
"Sean said it was a cobbler, actually," Lois absently corrected, lost in thought and not quite as eager to change the subject as her son was.
Jon's face scrunched up in confusion, "The pie makes shoes now?"
That was enough to make Lois snort in surprise. It also successfully pulled her attention away from the heavy stuff. The concepts and implications that came with my reveal. She smiled at her youngest, ruffling his hair, "Nice one, little man."
I pulled the dessert from my soul. It was just something I'd whipped up real quick after Kara first invited me to dinner. I didn't want to come empty-handed, even knowing that no one would blame me for it. It wasn't all that much effort. Besides, I liked cooking. Always had and I likely always would. There was just something special about sharing the fruits of your labor in such a concrete way.
The cobbler itself was a large dish, more than enough to share with everyone. A layer of perfect golden pastry was laid overtop it, baked to perfection as if by magic. It was, in fact, magic. And not just the baking that went into the sweet dessert dish.
As usual, I couldn't resist aiming to impress and blow socks off. The ingredients I used for the cobbler were anything but mundane. But surprisingly enough, they were all from a single lifetime of my many travels. A life of Qi and Cultivation, of young masters and jade beauties. A life where one could go from rank 8 ping pong to rank 2 ching chong, still 100 ranks Heavenly Golden Dragon God Emperor Star Ancestor…
Water from one Fountain of Youth or another. Flour milled from grain farmed on the Fields of Elysium. Milk and butter from True Beast Cows that grazed on entire solar systems at a time. Salt from the Seas of Time. Sugar from plantations cultivated by gods. And the crowning jewel ingredient: Peaches of Immortality from peach trees that bore fruit once every 3000 years.
With all of the heavenly ingredients, the dessert had been stored in my soul for a reason. I needed to 'digest' it somewhat so the energy within didn't make anyone who ate it explode. The Kryptonians would likely be fine, considering their relationship with solar energy was essentially a form of cultivation if a very, very primitive one. But with a little extra help from me, even mundane humans could enjoy the dessert.
Even then, the sight of the heavenly cobbler was certainly an impressive one, "Sean… Why is the pie glowing gold…?"
"Cobbler," I corrected Barbara with a smirk. "And I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
Barbara stared at me, incredulous and exasperated, "It's glowing, Sean. And I'm pretty sure I can feel that 'Ki' stuff you have me working with from it."
My smirk didn't waver an inch as I gave a non-answer, "How strange."
"It's safe, right…?" Lois asked, surprisingly only a bit hesitant.
"Perfectly," I nodded. "The ingredients used are simply a bit… better than usual."
"Your personal stash!" Kara realized.
"That 'personal stash' wouldn't happen to have been collected during your… other lives… would it?" Clark asked.
"It might," I smirked.
"Hmm, I don't know how I feel partaking in such an obviously magical dish," Ma hummed.
Pa grinned at her, "Come on, now, Martha. Strange 'magical' edibles? Why, we're practically reliving our youth."
Ma chuckled, matching his grin, "Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you. Well, I suppose I wouldn't want to be rude…"
There weren't any further protests as I cut up the cobbler and served everyone by magic. Plates floated to and fro across the Kent Family Den, laden with heavenly dessert. Once everyone had a plate and fork, I took the first bite to show it was fine.
"Go on. It's as amazing as always. You don't want to miss out on dessert like this," I encouraged.
Kara and Jon were the first to take me up on the offer, trusting me wholeheartedly with innocence unmatched. As soon as their bites hit their tongues, they stilled. Almost as one, they both moaned at the flavor and began DEVOURING the rest. The others followed their example and soon found themselves in similar situations, eating with differing levels of haste.
Barbara and Conner joined Kara and Jon in practically inhaling their plates. The adults took the time to savor their plates, enjoying the bites no less than their younger companions. I smiled fondly, relishing the feeling of serving out happiness by the forkful.
"My goodness," Ma muttered between bites. "What ARE these peaches? They're simply divine!"
"That description might be more accurate than you realize," I replied with a light laugh.
"Sean…" Barbara tried to glare at me. The effect was greatly diminished by how quickly she was still eating.
I just hummed, "Hmm, have any of you heard of the Journey to the West?"
"The Chinese fable?" Lois asked.
"Well, these are Peaches of Immortality. Quite similar to the ones from that story," I explained.
My answer brought the adults up short. Barbara just adorably tried to redouble her glare at me. Lois and Clark slowed their eating but couldn't bring themselves to stop. The only one who could was Ma Kent, surprisingly enough. She paused and looked longingly at her plate, torn between deliciousness and looking as if she wished she could give back what she'd already eaten.
She turned up to stare at me with soft eyes, "Oh, Sean, we can't accept this…"
"Please, I insist. I made the cobbler specifically for you and your family. And what's a little immortality between future family?" I waved away her denial dismissively.
Pa chewed slowly, swallowing, "… Well, it seems I'll finally have time to get back into woodworking."
I smiled earnestly at him, "That's the spirit! Just enjoy the extra time you have now. You - all of you - deserve it more than most. You've done more for this world than you can possibly know. Yes, even you, Martha. So spend time on hobbies and your family. And know that no matter what, I'll be here to help you get used to the trappings of what is essentially immortality."
"It's… very strange to achieve something that some many people - so many who I've fought against, even - desire as easily as this," Clark mused slowly.
"You already had it," I pointed out. "Kryptonians aren't technically immortal but under a yellow sun, it's pretty damn close. You would have outlived those you loved by a large margin, Clark. I'm just evening the playing field. Righting one of life's little inequalities, you could say."
Barbara glared at her now-empty plate, "Didi isn't going to be pissed with me for trying to cheat her now, is she?"
I shook my head, "You're hardly cheating her. Didi doesn't have a problem with immortals. They're actually a natural part of her order. No, Didi has a problem with those who CHEAT her. Those who die and come back against her will. Those who prey upon other lives to further their own. Those who wish to make a fool of Death…"
"Well…" Lois said, swallowing her last bite and setting her fork down with deceptive calmness. "We're immortal now."
"And that's that," I smiled, nodding matter-of-factly. "LIFE goes on. I've found that the best approach to immortality is not focusing on the years to come but to focus on the here and now. To focus on every day, knowing you don't have to worry about never seeing another one."
Ma's expression was thoughtful - weathered and wiser for it as she considered the prospect of living 'forever'. One thing seemed to decide her feelings on the matter, "Oh my… Think of all the grandbabies…"
"Generations upon generations of grandbabies," I agreed sagely. "Immortality doesn't make the losses any easier. Nothing does. Loss is just a natural part of Life and Death. But what immortality does do is let you experience so much more of the good that makes loss hurt as it does. In my opinion, that's worth all the pain in the world."
Kara actually teared up at my words, "You make it sound so pretty, Sean."
I patted her head, soothing the Kryptonian angel in my lap, "That's because Life is beautiful, Farm-Girl. You've met Didi, you should know that much instinctively."
"I don't feel all that different," Conner frowned.
"I'm feeling a bit chipper but still basically the same," Pa agreed.
"I guess you'll just have to take me at my word," I smiled. "Or if you're still unconvinced, I could always have Didi confirm it for you."
Clark shuddered almost imperceptibly at my offer, "I don't think that will be necessary. In the short term, this doesn't change all that much. And in the long term… well, we'll just have to wait and see for ourselves."
"What a shame… Didi would love you and your family, Clark," I couldn't resist poking just a bit of fun at the fact that he was obviously uncomfortable with Didi's true nature.
"I think I would like to meet the woman you hold so highly at some point, Sean," Ma considered aloud. "Still, perhaps we should touch upon lighter topics to help everyone digest their meals and everything you've already revealed."
Lois jumped on the changed subject, "Then let's hear about one of Sean's lives. Vicki couldn't shut up about you and your stories last time we spoke. I thought she was babbling and rambling about nonsense but having now met you… Yeah…"
"Alright, I can do that," I chuckled. "I'll keep things light for after-dinner conversation. Hmm… Perhaps a tale of someone Kara reminds me so much of? Yes, I think Ruby's story will do…
"It all started when the Gods of Light and Darkness abandoned the world…"
"Oh dear," Ma muttered, giving me a pointed look.
"You've got a funny definition of 'light', son," Pa snorted a laugh.
Barbara sighed, "Dammit, Sean, you always do this."
I laughed, "Sorry, sorry, I couldn't resist. Really, the story is much more wholesome than I made it seem with that first line. It was a world bathed in Darkness but I'll only tell you about my time in the Light that it had to offer."
Before I could continue my story, Lois came at me with a rapid-fire barrage of questions fit for a proper journalist, "Other worlds are real? Parallel dimensions?"
"Yes. And something like that."
"Did this world have heroes? Villains?"
"It had Hunters and Huntresses. They stood against the encroaching Darkness for those who could not in a constant battle of Good vs. Evil."
"Powers?"
"Yes, many. Even magic, though it had long since died out for the majority of the population."
"And your role in this constant battle between good and evil?" Lois asked intensely, really getting into her questioning now and enjoying herself.
I smirked with amusement, "I was a teacher at one of the four schools in the world that taught Hunters and Huntresses. Will that be all, Mrs. Lane? May I actually tell my story now?"
That brought Lois up short and she blushed slightly in embarrassment, "Ah… I seem to have gotten a bit carried away. This is just all fascinating to me. My apologies. Please, Sean, go on."
I laughed, "Alright, so it really all started when my little nephew ran away from home to be a Hunter. It was a stupid thing for him to do. Really stupid. And I couldn't have been more proud of him. Jaune was… well, 'sheltered' is probably the least drastic way I could put it. I loved my sister from that life - still do - but having seven girls and one boy might have made her a bit overprotective of her only son."
Pa whistled, "Seven. Now, ain't that something."
Ma sighed dreamily, "How nice…"
Lois had the opposite reaction, "Oh God… I could never."
"Kara reminds me of Jaune too, now that I think about it," I mused. "Mostly because of the golden-blonde hair and how sheltered they both are."
"I'm not sheltered," Kara pouted. "Am I?"
"Kara. Farm-Girl," Barbara said, placing a comforting hand on Kara's shoulder and laying it out straight for her. "You're so sheltered you might as well be a house."
"And we love you for it," I added, making sure to squeeze Kara in a hug to get my point across. "So anyway, Jaune left home and made his way across an entire continent in pursuit of his dream of being a Hunter. He came to Beacon - the school I taught at -, forged papers to get himself in, and just took a gigantic leap of faith."
I chuckled, "The best part was that everyone on the staff knew his papers were fake. Jaune didn't even know I worked there when he applied so I was easily able to call his lie. But Beacon's Headmaster let him through anyway. And he did end up passing the initiation process. He even became the leader of a Huntress team of his own."
"You must have been very proud of him," Ma nodded, smiling softly.
"Proud. And utterly furious," I shook my head fondly. "There was absolutely no way he should have passed the initiation."
"Gee, faith in your nephew, much?" Conner snarked.
I gave him a flat stare, "Let's put it this way. The initiation started by being launched off a cliff. And at that time, Jaune didn't even have his Aura unlocked - the power of his Soul. So a young baseline human was launched off a 200 foot cliff into a forest full of monsters."
Conner winced, "Ah."
"That initiation seems… irresponsible, to say the least," Barbara commented.
I shook my head again, "He ended up surviving - and even thriving - by some miracle and some good friends but I certainly had… words with the Headmaster after that stunt. Still, it was the first step for Jaune toward his dream. He was officially a Hunter-in-training. And he only freaked out a little bit when he found out I worked there too!"
A little flutter of my fingers had a scene from my memories play out on the coffee table between us all…
"U-U-Uncle Sean?!" Jaune gasped.
"You're in so much trouble, mister…" The version of me in the scene 'growled'.
"Oh, dang. Oh, heck. Oh, frick!" Jaune whimpered and worried frantically.
'I' laughed, "I'm just messing with you Jaune. I'm not going to tell your mother… yet."
The scene came to a close as 'I' gave Jaune a proud and somewhat ominous clap on the shoulder.
"Was he wearing armor… over a hoodie…?" Barbara asked slowly and incredulously.
"It was his favorite hoodie!" I defended my nephew from another life.
Conner made a show of examining Kara, "Yeah, I can kind of see the resemblance."
"Hey!" Kara pouted. "I'm not nearly that knight-y!"
"Well, I think he looks like a lovely young man," Ma said matter-of-factly. "He looks like he visits his grandma frequently instead of just when he's forced to with the rest of his family."
Conner winced and looked away. Jon made a 'ooh-ing' taunting noise like only younger siblings could, "Ohhhhhhhh! Nice burn, Grandma~!"
Chuckles followed as Conner glared at his younger brother. Ma gave him a soft, fond smile to reassure him that there were no hard feelings, "I'd just like to see you boys more often. Especially now that we don't have time left to worry about."
"… Alright, Grandma," Conner mumbled dutifully.
"So you were just a teacher that life, Sean?" Barbara asked, getting things back on track. "Nothing else of note happened?"
"Well, there was the time later in that year when I stopped an invasion of what were essentially shadow demons from destroying the whole school," I hinted with a smirk. "But I'm trying to keep things light here. So instead I'll tell you about Jaune's classmates and the wholesome school antics they all got up to as they were training to save the world."
Barbara groaned, "Okay, yeah, I brought that one on myself."
I continued, "Specifically, I want to tell you all about Ruby - the girl I said Kara reminds me of. She was younger than usual for a Huntress-in-training but so talented that she made it work anyway. And she was just an absolute cinnamon roll. She lit up every room she walked into."
Another scene started to play above the coffee table, this one a montage from some of my memories of Ruby Rose…
"I don't want to be the bee's knees! I don't want to be any kind of knees! I just want to be a normal girl with normal knees…"
"I don't need people to help me grow up. I drink milk!"
"Cookies!"
"L-L-LEWD!!!"
"Justice will be swift! Justice will be painful! And it will be DELICIOUS~!"
"The resemblance is truly uncanny," Clark marveled as the last scene of Ruby faded.
"I like her," Kara simply said.
"She's just precious," Ma agreed, placing a hand on her cheek.
"Pfft~!" Barbara guffawed. "Pint-sized Farm-Girl! And what was that last scene even about? 'Justice will be delicious'? Hahaha~!"
A grin grew across my face, wicked and ominous, "Oh? Are you interested in the tale…? Very well. Let me tell you of the legend… of the Beacon Cafeteria Food Fight and how I turned it into an all-out Food War that engulfed the whole school…"
Barbara just facepalmed, "God dammit, Sean…"
Chapter 36
Sean gazed deeply into Kara's eyes. Wide baby blues met stormy grays. Shock, disbelief, delight, and something akin to flustered panic shined from behind her eyes.
Sean's hands held hers tenderly. Delicate fingers intertwined with his larger, slightly more rugged ones. Palm against palm and warmth against warmth.
Kara's mind was audibly blue-screening at the scene she'd found herself caught up in, "Awawawawawawawawa~… !"
It was plain to tell she was practically screaming inside from what he was doing to her. So utterly intimate… So utterly wholesome… So utterly LEWD… ! Handholding without protection and with plenty of intense eye contact?! Kara might as well have just melted right there on the spot!
The audience they had likely didn't help things. Kara's whole family was watching her get utterly ravished in such a tender and lewd manner! Clark looked disgruntled but he couldn't openly disagree with anything Sean was doing (it was appropriately chaste and innocent to anyone but Kara at the moment). Lois and Ma both smirked at the scene. Pa just chuckled and shook his head.
Barbara stood off to the side, watching Kara melt before Sean with arms crossed under her breasts and an all-too-knowing look on her face. The traitor! Better than anyone else, she knew exactly what Sean was doing to Kara! And she didn't lift a single finger to help her fully flustered friend!
Kara could feel her heart beating a staccato rhythm, her pulse pumping from her head to her toes. It was like sheet music set to prestissimo - the fastest it could reasonably go. It felt like Kara's heart was about to beat itself out of her chest, to leap past her ribcage and lay itself bare before Sean's intimate stormy gaze!
Eye contact and handholding were scary… And so exhilarating at the same time~! Kara had never even imagined intimacy like this. Nothing could have prepared her for the way her stomach fluttered and fluttered and fluttered right now! And it didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon…
Sean whispered sweet nothings and thanks to her, feeling like he was mere inches away from her ear even though he wasn't nearly so close! "I had a lovely time tonight, Kara. Thank you for inviting me and Barbara. I think we all got along splendidly."
Kara whimpered something unintelligible. Oh no… He liked her family and they liked him too… It was almost unfair how attractive that made him. How was she supposed to resist someone like that?! Someone like him?! Someone who openly declared his intentions to court her and even got the blessing of her Ma and Pa. Heck, he was practically already family!
A pleasurable shiver ran down Kara's spine as Sean continued, waxing poetic, "Until we next meet, I will count the minutes, sweet Farm-Girl~… Of course, you also have my number and you know where I am most of the time. Feel free to text, call, or even drop by the Dead End. We'll always welcome you there. Now, I have to help a certain batty friend of ours find the relief she so craves~"
SO unfair… How did he make even talking about another woman sound so sweet? Still, Kara was happy for Barbara. She knew she couldn't do what Sean was hinting at. Not yet, at least. That would be much too L-LEWD~! Just ('just') eye contact and handholding was too much for Kara at the moment…
Sean started to pull back before pausing slightly. Still flustered way beyond the norm, Kara didn't have time to react as Sean leaned back in and planted a lingering kiss on her cheek.
"MEEP~!" Kara's face just about exploded at the added touch of intimacy.
Her cheeks were red enough to radiate heat as Sean pulled back for good this time. Frozen in place, she held his gaze the entire way, unwilling and unable to make herself look away. He gave her a small, lopsided smile that set her heart aflame all over again.
Barbara stepped in to lay another kiss on Kara's other cheek, this one more friendly than heart-racingly romantic. It still didn't help her flustered, frozen state.
"See ya, Farm-Girl. We'll talk soon, yeah?" The way Barbara's eyes darted to Sean and the grin on her face told Kara 'what' it was they would be talking about soon…
"It was lovely meeting you all," Sean waved, saying goodbye to Kara's family.
"You as well, dearie," Ma chuckled warmly. "We'll have to do this all again at some point."
"Count on it," Sean grinned.
The farewells happened in the back of Kara's mind. She barely noticed them, stuck as she was on Sean's intimacy. Still frozen in place, she stared at Sean and Barbara as Sean pulled her into his chest. And then with a step, they were gone. And Kara's flustered mind turned to 'what' they'd gone to do… Meep!
IIIII
Spoiler: Babs (lewd)
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Sean took Barbara right back to her apartment after leaving the Kent Farm. As for how he did that and how he knew where she lived…? Well, Barbara didn't particularly care at the moment. The instant they were alone, she jumped him.
A frantic, repressed feeling in her heart and her loins drove Barbara on. Drove her past propriety and what she normally would and wouldn't do. She didn't let herself pause for a moment lest she chickened out now that things were about to get good.
Her hands tore at his clothes. She quite literally ripped his shirt straight off his body, forgetting her enhanced physique in her hurried rush.
"Barbara?" Sean asked, his voice thick with amusement and (dare Barbara hope?) arousal. "What are you doing?"
Barbara growled, putting up a front of blunt confidence to hide the nerves that danced below the surface, "Getting you naked so you can FINALLY! FUCKING! FUCK ME!"
"And what happened to asking nicely?"
"Sean, don't test me right now. We're doing this! Just… don't…" She glared at him but her voice grew a touch vulnerable at the end there.
Sean let out a faux-exasperated sigh, "Very well. I suppose I might as well help if we're going to be doing this now. Especially since you can't seem to be bothered with foreplay at the moment."
He lifted her into his arms, hands supporting her ass. Cradling it with the perfect mixture of 'gentle' and 'manhandling'… Barbara's arms naturally found their way around his neck. In an instant of magic, their clothes disappeared off both of them and skin was pressed flush against flushed skin.
Barbara paused, shuddering at the sudden intimate physical contact, her forced confidence wavering slightly, "Foreplay…? Yeah, uh, I… I could do foreplay."
"Oh, could you, now?" Sean's wickedly amused smirk did things to Barbara's insides that she both loved and hated.
Barbara tried for a glare but felt it come out as more of a pout, "Don't be a dick, Sean. Just give me the dick instead."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you~?" Sean teased.
"Yes. Yes, I would. I've been waiting for it ever since you healed me and I met you," Barbara said firmly, her voice heated and passionate. "Being able to feel my pussy again is great on its own but I am so. Goddamn. Tired of just my hands and toys. You… You have to take responsibility!"
Sean nodded, half to himself and half to her, "Cliche but a classic for a reason. Very well, Babs. I'll… ~take responsibility~"
Barbara shuddered in his arms, clinging to Sean even closer as she felt anticipation and something more race through her veins. Her nipples might as well have been diamonds against his chest. And all the rubbing of skin against skin now that Sean had magicked away their clothes certainly wasn't helping things.
Neither was the ABSOLUTE BEAST growing beneath her butt. She could feel it - HIM - as it began to twitch and stand straight. She could feel it as it pressed up against her pussy from below, running the whole length from front to back - clit to hole -, almost sandwiched between puffy plump lips, and STILL GOING. Barbara was almost afraid to look down and finally see it, especially with the way her own arousal must have been COATING the thing - just DRENCHING it - in slick juices…
"Finally," Barbara breathed a breathless sigh of relief.
"Finally, indeed. I've kept you waiting long enough, haven't I?" Sean's expression was smug and cocky in the best of ways, making Barbara's usual irritation and exasperation flow straight into her arousal.
"You have no. FREAKING! Idea, Sean… I've just about worn through my sheets with how many times I've made a mess to you."
Immediately after saying that, Barbara blushed and she buried her face in Sean's shoulder to groan, "Ugh, oh God… I can't believe I just admitted that to you. Look at what you fucking do to me, Sean!"
Sean - the stupid, sexy bastard - just chuckled, "You certainly know how to make a man feel wanted, Babs."
"I'm trying to make MYSELF feel wanted," Barbara grumbled.
"Well, let's see if we can't help you out with that~"
Sean's hands - just rough enough to the touch - supported Barbara from below. Her thick, well-muscled thighs wrapped around his waist to interlock at his back. The position left her almost entirely at his mercy and the thoughts and scenes that inspired in Barbara's head only made her heart beat faster.
Her mind raced out of control. Scenes of Sean throwing her down right here on the floor and simply MOUNTING her flashed before her mind's eye. Or Sean folding her into a pretzel while still standing and using her as a FUCKTOY until Barbara couldn't see straight! O-Or, God forbid, holding her hands, looking her in the eye, and having sex for the purpose of procreation~!
She had no intention of getting pregnant at the moment but that mental image was still so fucking hot… ! Barbara didn't even realize she was panting at her fantasies until Sean started moving with her in his arms. She clung to him tightly, squeezing with her arms and legs. His cock - that ABSOLUTELY BEASTLY THING… - felt as if it was holding her up just as much as his hands were.
Barbara quickly recognized where Sean was headed and it made her whimper ever so slightly. Her bedroom… She didn't know how he knew where it was but that didn't really matter at the moment. Not when the relief she so desperately craved was practically staring down at her and telling her to open her mouth like a 'good girl'.
Barbara's wasn't a large apartment. Before she could do more than squirm in Sean's grasp, they'd reached her bed. He bodily threw her onto it like a marital conquerer. Barbara bounced once and came to rest on her back, propped up on her elbows so she could stare-… ahem, get a good look at Sean.
Tall, lean, and toned like a sprinter, Sean was a vision of dark masculine beauty in Barbara's eyes. She could certainly see why Harley called him 'Gothboy'. And she could certainly see why Harley liked to go on and on about his 'Gothboy D' as well…
That thing wasn't just a cock. It was a weapon. Standing straight out from his body and swaying with his heartbeat. The kind of tool that brought entire nations to their knees. If bartending ever fell through for Sean, well, he'd have a healthy career as a pornstar. It was gorgeous and intimidating in equal measure. It was… exactly what Barbara needed right now~…
Barbara didn't hide her appreciative eyes roaming his body. Sean didn't hide how he took in her figure either. Barbara knew she looked good. Tight, feminine muscles. A taut tummy. Perky, handful-sized breasts. And skin flushed with a healthy glow. But even still, Sean's gaze made her feel shy.
Her forced confidence was quickly wavering. She'd initiated as she planned. But now, she didn't quite know where to go from here. She wasn't quite floundering yet but if Sean didn't take charge soon… well, Barbara wouldn't know what to do with herself. It'd been so long for her…
"Uh, Sean…?" Barbara asked, her sudden hesitance showing in her voice. "You, uh, you do want this, right? Me…? This isn't one-sided, is it? I'm not forcing you…?"
Sean's laugh was a sultry, carefree thing that made something inside Barbara QUIVER, "Oh, I do want you, Babs~… The real question is, do you want me~?"
Barbara couldn't help but look away, heat creeping onto her cheeks, "Isn't it obvious?"
"Perhaps. But I want to hear you say it."
"Full of yourself, much?"
Barbara's snark had no real heat behind it and they both knew it. She was embarrassed and lashing out as she usually did. Sean didn't let it stop him. He climbed onto her bed and crawled toward her. Barbara quickly found herself caged in by strong arms, unwilling to move. She didn't want to be the first one to show weakness, as silly as that seemed at the moment.
With him looming over her, Barbara suddenly felt very small. It was a feeling she wasn't quite used to. But it was exhilarating in the right context. Now, for example. That and the stupid, sexy, smug look on Sean's face certainly didn't do anything to help Barbara's current sheet-drenching arousal.
She looked into his eyes for a moment before looking away and whining in a small voice, "… Don't make me say it, Sean."
"Come now, Babs darling," Sean's chuckle rumbled deep into Barbara's fluttering core. "I'm a big believer in explicit consent. You wouldn't want there to be any funny business between us, would you~?"
"The only funny business here is you teasing me instead of doing what you should be doing right now!" Barbara growled.
"Ah, ah," Sean tutted. "Not until I hear it straight from those pretty, perfect lips of yours~"
Barbara growled and grumbled, pouting almost petulantly, but she eventually caved, "… Fine. I want you, Sean. I want you to fuck me and hold me and love me, okay?! I want you to give me everything I've been missing out on for so long and more! I want you to fucking destroy me in the best fucking way possible! I think I love you, you bastard!"
Barbara's confession left her panting, ears not quite caught up with her words. As they did and she caught her breath, Barbara stopped still. Suddenly vulnerable eyes stared up at Sean. She hadn't meant to say nearly that much. Especially not that last bit. She'd barely even admitted that bit to herself before now!
"Now, was that so hard~?" Sean asked with a smirk.
"Yes. And you're an asshole," Barbara snapped without much heat in her tone.
"I think you love it when I'm mean to you like this. I think you love our little games, Babs~"
"Shut up…"
"Oh? Should I? Put my mouth," Sean asked between kisses laid upon Barbara's neck. "-To better. Use~?"
Barbara whined at the gentle heat against her skin, "MmMMmm~! Yes. Yes, yes, yes, you bastard~!"
His lips left a trail of fire everywhere they went. From her shockingly sensitive neck down between the valley of her breasts. A featherlight touch traced down her side, settling to cup the swell of her hips. Barbara found herself struggling not to writhe in place as Sean teasingly made his way down her body.
Finally (FINALLY!), he arrived at the top of her temple. The altar for him to worship at. Barbara's freshly flooding pussy. It felt like she was leaking rivers down her thighs and onto the sheets below. Plump peachy lips glistened and Barbara could have sworn she felt her entrance WINK as Sean's warm breath grazed her most sensitive place.
Sean's free hand found hers and Barbara suddenly couldn't contain an erotic mewl. That was what did her in?! Handholding?! Who was she, Farm-Girl?! But, oh, it felt so good… So intimate and right to cling onto Sean's hand for dear, lustful life.
As Sean bowed his head, he looked up past Barbara's body and into her eyes. Barbara's free hand grabbed a pillow from behind her to prop herself up. Just so she could stare back at him. His upper lips finally (FINALLY!) made contact with her lower ones. A shock of pure lewd lightning burned at Barbara's nerves from even that simple contact.
"Oh, fuck. Oh, God, Sean~…" Barbara whimpered.
And that's when he really started digging in. Like a starving man at a feast. Like a man dying in the desert who'd just come across a life-giving oasis. Like a man repressed… Even though the situation should have been reversed! Barbara was the repressed one here! She should have been the one digging in and reveling in all the pleasure she could get! And the way she almost instantly came undone on his tongue showed as much…
"FuuuuUUUUCCCKKKK~!" Barbara came, squirting as if she was trying to drown Sean's skillful tongue.
The way he lapped at her labia, her folds, her clit… It was all too much! The warmth of another's touch after so long. The intimacy of a held hand. It was all WAY TOO MUCH for the repressed pleasure centers of Barbara's little brain.
Her legs flexed and kicked, shaking with the force of her first orgasm at the hands of another in years. Her back arched off the bed as if Sean was pulling her strings like a puppet. Sheer sensation bowled through her body and mind, leaving her blissfully flattened at Sean's mercy.
O-OooooHHHhhh~!" Barbara moaned, her voice vibrating like a vibrato. "Too much~… Not enough~… Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, SeeAAAANNNNN~!"
Just as she thought she was coming down from her first monumental peak, Barbara found her pleasure on a rapid rise again. Sean didn't let up, didn't give her a single break or moment to catch her breath. Straight from one orgasm into another. And another…
Barbara's body might as well have been putty in Sean's hands and he was only just starting. He lapped at her folds. He lashed her pretty pleasure pearl with vicious licks, kisses, and soft nibbles. He lavished her poor repressed cunny with lips and tongue as if it was something to be worshipped - as if BARBARA was something to be worshipped…
It took three practically HOLY climaxes and Barbara just about losing her mind for Sean to let up at all. His hand on her side stroked her softly, finally (FINALLY!) coaxing her down from her back-to-back peaks. As much as Barbara needed the moment of respite, she instantly found herself missing the mind-blowing ecstasy.
"More~… !" Barbara whimpered. She whined. She BEGGED like some kind of wanton whore. And she couldn't even find it in herself to care at this point.
Ever so slowly, Sean came up for air. He didn't even seem winded, even after putting Barbara through all of that. Enough to drive a lesser woman mad, just from that pretty mouth of his, now quirked up in an insufferably cocky smirk. Despite knowing she would taste herself, Barbara wanted to kiss that stupid, sexy smirk right off his face.
Her free hand reached out for him, beckoning him forward and up her body. He obliged. The brief moment it took for him to crawl his way up her body was torture to Barbara's blissfully fraying mind. A strong arm came to support him, resting beside Barbara's head so the only thing she could do was trace the muscles with her eyes to their stupid, sexy source.
His other hand still held hers, brought above her head as if he was pinning her there. Barbara almost scoffed. As if that was necessary at this point. She would have FOUGHT to stay right where she was. BENEATH him, at his mercy and PLEASURE. The thought sent pleasurable tingling shivers up her spine.
"Soooo~…" Sean drawled, lazy, carefree, and oh-so-thrilling. "Come here often, Babs~?"
"My bed? Yes. My bed with another person? No," Barbara glared up at him with fire in her eyes, not all of it anger. "And that's my problem. The problem you're supposed to be solving right now, you stupid, sexy bastard!"
"And how do you intend for me to solve it~?"
"Isn't it obvious?!"
"Mmmm, maybe. But I think I like making you be honest with yourself."
"… You're a dick."
"I can be. It's part of what makes me so lovable."
"Lovable, my ass."
"You do have quite the lovable behind, Babs."
"… You're really going to make me say it? Again…?"
"Yes."
"Ugh, I hate that I like you so much… Fine! I want you to keep going, Sean. Fuck me into a fucking coma! Put an end to this damn dry spell of mine and Goddamn mind-break me!"
"Mind-break, Babs? Your proclivities are showing~"
Barbara's cheeks started to flush but she firmly held Sean's teasing gaze, doubling down, "If I can think at the end of this, you haven't done your job well enough. I'm serious. MIND. BREAK. ME."
A visible shudder ran through Sean's body. Barbara couldn't help but grin and preen inside at finally getting a reaction out of him. Yeah, who's the smug one now, you stupid, sexy bastard! Almost instantly, the smugness that entered Barbara's expression was wiped away without a trace.
"Eep~!"
Barbara squeaked as she found herself folded in half by Sean's free hand. At the same time, he was suddenly firmly grasping BOTH of her wrists. How…? It had to be magic. The hand holding onto hers didn't even seem to move and Barbara swore she could still feel Sean's fingers intertwined with hers!
And yet, there she was. Now pinned in a much more literal sense. Her calves rested on Sean's shoulders. A strong hand pinned her arms in place above her head so she couldn't struggle much, even if she wanted to. Her body - her POOR PUSSY - was open for the taking.
A blush crept from Barbara's cheeks all the way down to her nipples, "Uhh, Sean…?"
"Don't back down now, Babs~" Sean rasped huskily. "You asked for this~"
"I-I wasn't going to back down, idiot!" Barbara snapped back at him, her voice shaky with excitement and anticipation. "Just… a little warning would be nice…?"
"Well, here's your warning~" He positively purred. "I'm going to break that brilliant mind of yours, Babs~ And you're going to thank me for it~"
Barbara gulped around the sudden lump in her throat. O-Oh my… Something amazing inside her tightened at Sean's cocky warning. Why'd he have to say it like that? Barbara thanked her lucky stars that she wasn't standing at the moment. She wasn't sure her knees could take it if she was.
She glanced down between them. Folded up as she was, they were practically joined at the hip. Not in the way she'd prefer just yet but this was certainly a tempting sight in its own right. Her legs on either side of a strong chest and defined abs that loomed over her. A cut V-shape leading directly to…
"Oh, fuck…" Barbara let out a breathless little whimper.
She saw Sean's cock before. But like this? With that thick slab of meat shadowing her crotch and lower abdomen, practically blocking them from view? With the comparison she could now make between that masculine BEAST and her oh-so-feminine body? With the heat she could feel RADIATING off it, mere millimeters from her skin…? Sean's cock was somehow EVEN MORE impressive and gorgeous now.
Still, Barbara tried to put on a strong front like always, scoffing and looking back up into Sean's eyes, "Yeah? In your dreams am I going to thank-…"
"-YOOOOUUUUUU~! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU~! Oh my God, Sean, thank you for breaking my mind with your THICK, PERFECT, FUCKING COCK~!"
She never stood a chance…
It was like something straight out of her 'instant loss 2koma' hentai. Barbara was already so wet that she was quite literally dripping. Sean didn't even have to take it easy on her at first. He just pulled back slightly and slammed himself home like her pussy was where he properly belonged!
The first thrust shook Barbara to her very core. She could feel him so deep inside her, stretching her out so perfectly! It was an instant, mind-blowing ecstasy that rocketed her even higher than her first three orgasms. And that was just the first thrust!
Barbara's eyes rolled back in her head as Sean pulled out and pushed back in. His pace was steady, firm, and everything she needed! Somehow, he already seemed to know the best spots to hit and grind against inside her. And the way her pussy hugged every inch of him on the way in and out had Barbara babbling and thanking him like he said she would.
It was EVERYTHING. Too much and not enough at the same time. Barbara alternated between begging him for more and begging for him to slow down. Sean didn't heed the babbles of her blissfully fraying mind, keeping a steady pace that never failed to make her cum again and again.
It felt like she was squirting with every thrust. Just drenching Sean's amazing cock and the bed beneath them. And the sounds. Oh, God, the sounds! Barbara never knew she could sound so lewd, the squelching of her slick pussy and the clap of Sean's hips against her ass like music to her mind-breaking instant loss.
"Yes, yes, finally! FINALLY~!" Barbara vented years of pent-up sexual frustration as she came her brains out. "I was wrong, Sean! I don't 'think' I love you! I love you and I love your perfect fucking cock! THAAANNNKKK YOOUUU~!"
Fortunately, Sean silenced her with a kiss before she could continue embarrassing herself. It only barely stopped her moans. She mewled into his mouth, struggling with every ounce of thinking brain matter she had left just to kiss him back.
Unfortunately, the kiss was the last piece of the carnal puzzle Barbara needed to SEE GOD. Her moans and mewls transitioned into a muffled scream. Sean ground her clit, pulverized her G-spot, and bullied her womb all at once again and again. Barbara's breaking mind was sent into the stratosphere.
"FUUUUUMMMMMMAAA~!" Barbara's neighbors certainly weren't going to be happy with her after this…
Her legs shook against Sean's shoulders. Her core and abdominal muscles tensed and tightened. She SQUEEZED around Sean's godly cock as tightly as she physically could. They might as well have been fucking in a puddle at this point from how much Barbara's poor pummeled pussy was leaking, drooling, fucking flooding like a FUCKING FAUCET~!
Barbara was well and truly lost. Her mind was breaking, shattering, and fracturing under tsunami after tsunami of ecstasy. She was being fucked stupid in the best possible way. And she loved every second of it!
Especially the part when Sean's thrusts built to a fever pitch. Her whole body and mind seemed to surrender to him. Her pussy was utterly ruined, both for herself and for any other man. NO ONE could possibly measure up to Sean in Barbara's breaking mind. If it was possible, she was sure she'd have hearts in her pupils like the women in her hentai.
Grunts from Sean began to punctuate his every thrust. Like he was putting everything he had into just FUCKING HER~! They were sweet, blissful music to Barbara's ears. All she could hear was Sean and her own lewd moans. All she could feel was Sean and the pleasure his gorgeous cock fucked from her body. She could barely tell where one orgasm ended and the next began!
"Where do you-" Sean grunted out. "-Want it?"
"INSIDE~! INSIDE, INSIDE, INSIDE~! If you pull out, I'm going to fucking skin you alive, Sean!" Barbara screamed her ecstatic reply.
Somehow, Sean still found it in him to chuckle that stupid, sexy chuckle Barbara loved and hated so much, "As you wish~"
Barbara's snippy retort died on her tongue. Sean buried himself balls deep inside her and Barbara's whole world exploded. Heat so hot it felt like it was searing her insides rushed into her depths. Barbara's back arched off the bed all over again, her legs flexed straight against Sean's shoulders and her toes absolutely CURLING in pleasure.
The single best feeling Barbara had ever experienced flooded Barbara's mind. White-hot ecstasy. Pink exploding sparks. Scarlet hearts that bloomed in her mind like flowering roses. It broke her. Oh, it broke her so good…
Barbara was left blissfully fucked-stupid and WHIMPERING. "Ooooohhh~… Thank you, thank you~… FuuuUUcckk~! So good~ Thank you~…"
As Sean's climax finally (FINALLY!) waned, he tried to reposition them into a more comfortable arrangement for Barbara. But when he tried to slide her legs off his shoulders and unfold her, she just wrapped them tightly around his waist halfway through the motion. And then, she refused to budge any further, hugging his with her entire body after he released her wrists as well.
Eyes closed (having been rolled back in her head only moments before), Barbara let out a relieved, well-fucked sigh. She was more than content to just lie there like that for a while, using Sean as a manly teddy bear with his perfect cock still hard inside her.
Eventually, she hummed, "Mmmmm~… You better not have gotten me pregnant, Sean."
Sean snorted a laugh, "Heh, maybe you should have thought of that before you BEGGED me to cum inside you."
"When you're fucking me like that? Begging for a creampie is SOOO~ not my fault."
"Well, you'll be happy to know that you don't have to worry about that sort of thing with me."
"Really?"
"Barbara. Babs. I'm the Prince Consort of Life and Death. I think I can handle a little something like birth control."
"Mm. Good."
They relaxed like that for a little bit longer. Barbara was more than happy to bask in the godly afterglow of all her orgasms. Hell, she would have been happy staying like this until the world ended. Then a surprised moan was torn from her lips as Sean flexed his cock inside her.
"Soooo… round two?" He asked. Even with her eyes closed, Barbara could hear his smirk.
"Noooooooouuuuuuuuuu~… !" Barbara whined. A small-voiced mewl escaped her immediately after her unconvincing denial, "Yes…"
