Are You Asleep?
Getting back to the Blackwood Hotel they didn't do the usual rounds, because they both knew they had to talk… so after a few seconds, David was already knocking on the adjoining door, but as she instinctively stepped forward to open it and placed her hand on the doorknob, she suddenly froze… as her hand touched the cold surface, the memories from the previous night suddenly came to life… her stomach was in a cramp, her heart was beating faster, and she felt the panic again, the whole nightmare from last night… fortunately, it lasted only for a brief moment, then she quickly pulled herself together, took a deep breath and unlocked the door… after hesitantly stepping in, David just stood in front of her, shifting his weight from one foot to another, while he was just looking at her, noticing the slight aloofness in her behavior as she was standing further away than usual… he had a million thoughts running through his head, still feeling a bit shocked from what she had revealed in the afternoon, when concerning the nature of their relationship, his whole world turned upside down… so he was just standing there, unsure of how to begin…
"Well, it seems you're not saying anything at all, again…" she shrugged her shoulders, taking a deep sigh and this time, it was his turn to panic,
"No!" he protested immediately, "I'm… I'm just not too good at talking, you know."
"Yeah, I've already realized that." she answered softly, "… then, just say it as you can."
"Okay…" he took a deep breath, "So, did you… did you really mean what you said?"
"…"
"I mean, you haven't changed your mind since then, have you?"
"No, of course not…" she answered softly, seeing the mix of emotions on his face as he tried to gather his courage,
"So that means you would… you would really risk everything, for me?" the last bit was only a whisper,
"…" she simply nodded, her eyes filled with warmth and comfort.
"Your career… everything you've achieved… your reputation…" tears welled up in his eyes as he added, "Even your life?"
"… yeah." her response was barely audible.
"But this afternoon, it seemed like you were…" he struggled to find the right words,
"How?…"
"… Like you were going to kick me out, then you suddenly changed your mind."
"Yeah, that's true." she admitted without a second thought, "Actually, I've been thinking all night long…"
"…" he didn't dare to breathe while he was waiting for her to continue,
"So many things were running through my mind. But first, I…" she took a deep breath, "I really need to know something."
"Anything…" he responded, feeling the weight of her words, waiting for her to continue felt like an eternity.
"… What do you want, David?"
"How you mean that?" he asked, then suddenly realizing her intention, "Gosh, you! What else?" his words were filled with such intensity and honesty, it immediately relaxed her. "Do you really think I do not want you?"
"Actually, I don't know what to think… our relationship or whatever we should call it, has always been a bit weird. I could never really discern how you truly feel about me."
"I just…"
"Please, let me finish," she added softly, "Most of the time you were so unattainable, behaving like a robot… and I was convinced it was purely about sex, nothing more. But then there were moments when I felt there's something deeper between us…"
"Because there is… it's just…" he took a sigh, "I have so many struggles…"
"I know." she nodded softly, "At the beginning, I thought you were just too professional to get involved in a relationship with me… you didn't dare to touch my hand, you left me without a word after our first night, then when I opened the adjoining door the next day, it seemed like you were struggling with yourself, and I was sure it was all about our jobs."
"Actually, it wasn't that simple…" he wanted to tell her the truth, the complete truth, but he couldn't risk destroying everything they had built up over the past few weeks, he didn't want to lose her. "Many times, I couldn't express what I truly wanted to say. I'm just so bad at this whole communication thing."
"Yeah, I know you often didn't mean what you said."
"And it's really not because of you, it's about me. The main problem is…"
"…"
"I… I never dared to believe…"
"In what?…"
"That… that you could really love me." that was it, he finally said it aloud and she was just looking at him for a moment,
"… Then what were you thinking all this time? What was this all about? The nights we spent together, that morning under the sheets?"
"…" he hesitated,
"Tell me…"
"That you were just using me in a way, passing the time during your empty hours," he saw her reaction and immediately knew it didn't come out as he intended, "Sorry, you know how I mean it."
"Yeah…" she responded with a sigh,
"And let's be honest, women like you don't take men like me too seriously."
"…" she knew he was right. "But I did, David. I did it from the very first moment."
"I already know that. Now, I know that… but during these weeks, I tried so hard not to take you too seriously," he noticed the sadness in her eyes, and then the realization as he continued, "Trying not to fall in love with you."
"Oh… and how did it go?" she asked softly,
"Have you ever seen a man who was near you and was not in love with you?"
"Trust me, there are plenty of them." she answered with a smile.
"Yeah, the ones who feel offended or never had a chance with you… and those who have already lost you."
"I don't care about other guys' opinions, David, only yours."
"So you want my opinion?" he asked and his eyes were telling more than a thousand words, "You are the best thing that has happened to me in the past few years, the only one I can truly relax with, when I'm with you long enough, I feel I can breathe again, like I'm the same old me."
"…" her eyes were sparkling,
"When we were lying in bed together that morning, it was the first time in years that I felt okay." his eyes were so grateful, "I lost that feeling a long time ago, but that morning with you, it came back completely. Everything came back… because of you."
"…" she felt really touched as he continued,
"You know, everybody left me in the last few years when I needed them the most. They just cast me aside, treated me like a stray dog to the street… everybody. I've never felt so miserable and lonely in my life. When you have no one to turn to, but you still have to function, work, simply be alive… then I met you… and despite we had quite a few fights and disagreements, we became close, very close to each other… and after what happened yesterday," he closed his eyes for a moment, "You are the only one who chose me, who wants to help, who wants to be by my side… it was some kind of a shock to see you this afternoon, asking me to be right beside you, and I suddenly realized… that no one has ever truly loved me before you."
"It seems you're not as bad at talking as you think…" she added with a soft smile, "So, as for us…"
"It's only up to you," he answered quickly, but he felt the need to add something more, "… but I don't want to ruin you life. I know I don't have the right to do that."
"It sounds like a speech of getting rid of me."
"No, it's a speech against myself… I can't say to be with me, that simply wouldn't be fair."
"So you don't want it…"
"I want it more than anything!" he answered desperately, tears running down his cheeks. He seemed like a lost little kid, "You are the last straw for me to maintain my sanity…" she was battling with her own tears as he continued, "Your closeness is the only medicine that has worked for me in the past few years, but… I don't have the right to ask you to stay with me."
"Actually, you don't have to do that." she smiled softly, and saw the relief on his face, "Because I have already decided… and they say I'm quite a stubborn type."
"Yeah, I know that." he smiled through his tears.
"However, you have to help me understand what I have to face, so you should tell me everything about this whole thing. Is that okay for you?"
"But of course, it's a huge decision. I don't want you to have incomplete information… and considering what happened yesterday…"
"It wasn't the first time, right?"
"No…" he sighed, "It has happened a few times before."
"That's why you haven't slept with me?"
"…" he nodded softly,
"And that's why your marriage ended?"
"…" he nodded.
"You know, all I could think about was that you cheated on your wife. Why else would she leave you with two little children?"
"I have never cheated on anybody."
"I know… I mean, I couldn't think on anything else, but somehow I knew you're not that type, you're an old fashioned kind of good guy."
"And a wreck…" he looked so resigned she couldn't bear it.
"No you're not." she grabbed his hand, and he just watched as she caressed it gently, "I have no idea what you have to deal with, David. I can only see how much of a strain it is. But I do believe, you just have to recover and I'll be here to help you."
"… Aren't you afraid?" his question was hanging in the air pregnantly,
"Yes… yes, of course I'm afraid." she sighed, then looked deep into his eyes. "But I'm not as afraid of getting hurt or dying, as I am afraid of having to live without you."
"…" he closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by a flood of emotions.
"Maybe I won't live for too long, but at least I'll be with you." she added with a sad smile,
"Please don't say such a thing."
"You know, I've been thinking a lot about life, death, love and everything… you saved my life, so now in a way I owe you my own life."
"No! You don't owe me anything!"
"Let me finish. I've also been thinking that maybe this is how it always starts…"
"Starts what…"
"The lives of those women who live in domestic violence… they love someone, and then something like this happens as an accident, she thinks she can handle it, that it will never happen again, that she can save him, but it ends up she can't…" she could see the fear of losing her in his eyes, so she continued quickly, "So please tell me everything I need to know."
"Okay," he inhaled deeply,
"…"
"I know you're afraid and I truly understand it… honestly, I wouldn't choose myself either."
"David…"
"But that's the truth… I want you to know what you're choosing, why you're taking the risk… even risking your life."
"You risked your life for me too," she responded softly.
"That's not the same thing."
"Because it was just a job?"
"No, it wasn't just a job. It doesn't matter how hard I tried, it wasn't just a job. I loved being with you at the end of the day, it didn't matter how we were with each other, fighting or not, I loved being close to you… and I must admit that I couldn't stand all the men around you."
"…" they exchanged a soft smile, and they just looked at each other in silence for a few moments, before he took a deep breath and started the hard part,
"So usually… I have nightmares, not every day, but quite often. I wake up sweating and crying in the middle of the night, the usual stuff, but I've learned to live with it." she squeezed his hand with compassion. "Other times, I have what they call 'night terrors'. They also happens when I sleep, but typically in the first few hours. I'm not fully awake during these times, and I can't recall what caused them. It could be a bad dream or…"
"Or someone who tried to wake you up…" she finished his sentence, while he just nodded softly.
"I've read a lot about this. They say that during these times, the person partly wakes up, and the area of the brain that controls 'fight-or-flight' responses becomes overexcited. This makes the person feel panicked and terrified. And if you've received training…"
"Your brain says 'fight'."
"Yeah…" he took a sigh, then quickly added to ease her, "But during the daytime, I've never had a problem with this. I've only had panic attacks, which are not dangerous at all, just probably you'll fall out of love with me, because I'm not the kind of man you can imagine by your side."
"You are the man for me, David."
"… they say love is blind," he tried to lighten the mood,
"Yeah, in a way, yes. But even if I wasn't in love with you, I would still never leave you alone with this, I would always help you."
"Thank you," he whispered, squeezing her hand before he continued, "And I will use every ounce of my strength to get well again, because of us." he smiled softly, and she just nodded happily,
"…"
"So what would you say if we started everything from the very beginning?"
"I'm in…" she smiled hopefully, "And what is more, within a few days I think I'm moving back home."
"Oh, okay."
"… and I think we should move in together," she added with one breath.
"…" he was quite surprised. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"
"No, but I was always taught that you have to run against obstacles, any kind of them. And now, we've drifted apart… and I know we need to fix that soon, otherwise, there will be no turning back anymore." he nodded, "But we won't physically sleep together,"
"Of course,"
"At the end of the day, we will sleep in separate rooms, and as for the other things… well, we have to rebuild everything between us. I don't know how much time we'll need…"
"I don't care. Trust is not an easy thing, but I will do everything to regain it." he drew her closer. "I would do anything just to be with you."
"As would I," she smiled softly, and despite she couldn't calm down her nerves completely, she snuggled into his neck and just held him tight…
OOOOOOOOOO
"Hi…" she smiled warmly as she opened her front door, but despite her attempt to hide it, there was a hint of nervousness in her behavior.
"Hi…" he responded with a happy sigh, then they just stared at each other for a few seconds… "So, here I am," he tried softly.
"Yeah, sorry. Come on in…" she pulled herself together and stepped aside to let him in,
"… Okay," he nodded, and started to feel a bit nervous too as he was maneuvering himself through the front door with a trolley bag and a bigger gym bag in his hands.
"Uhm, I just checked the windows when you arrived…" she tried to explain as she closed the door behind him, "And I saw you didn't bring any bags with you."
"Yeah, actually I brought them in through the back door."
"…" she looked a bit puzzled.
"You know, we didn't discuss this earlier… that it's a secret or not, so…"
"Ah, okay." she nodded,
"And in case you change your mind, I won't cause you any trouble." he tried to lighten the mood.
"I have no intention of changing my mind," she answered softly.
"Of course, I was just… you know."
"I don't think of it as a secret," she thought for a moment, "But let's leave it to fate to be revealed this whole thing. Actually, now as we work separately, it will be much easier to handle the press… that reminds me, how was your first day at your new job?"
"Boring… awfully boring." he answered with a smile, "This new guy we're covering is a clown, he doesn't need any protection at all, so we're just decorations in his life, but at least it's a stress free job and I have lots of free time in the end of the day to share with you… even if I have to go to those occasions you have to attend of course." he added quickly,
"Oh, I haven't thought about this before…" she had a meaningful smile on her face,
"And finally, I can officially get rid off those those men like Rob, who doesn't understand what 'no' means."
"Yeah, that will be so comfortable…" she smiled, "But mostly, I would love to spend my time at home with you. After all the hectic daytime schedules, I would love to chill a bit and just simply be with you."
"Really?…" he asked happily, mostly from himself.
"Uh-huh, so I also rescheduled my programs to be able to spend real quality time together."
"I can't wait for that…"
"As I," she nodded sweetly, "Uhm… then I'll show you the guest room, I mean your room." she quickly corrected herself. "It's right next to mine," she explained as they headed inside her flat. "But you already know the layout of the apartment."
"Yes, of course."
"So… here's your sleeping space," she turned the lights on. "There are a few extra blankets in the wardrobe if you feel cold, and you have your own bathroom." she took a step to open the door, "I don't know what you need, but there are a few necessities under the mirror."
"Very thoughtful, thank you."
"I also put out some new towels."
"Thanks," he said gratefully,
"Well then, take your time to unpack." she said kindly before she was ready to leave, "Uhm, I'm making a cuppa. Would you like one?… or something stronger?"
"Tea would be fine, thank you." he smiled softly, but remaining alone in his room felt a bit weird… like staying at your sibling's place where you should feel at home because you're family after all, but you still feel like a guest in a foreign place… he felt a little lost, but as he watched her from afar as she started making the tea in the kitchen, he started to relax. Her presence and this simple everyday scene relaxed him. So he just put down his bag on a chair, and rather than unpacking, he decided to join her in the kitchen…
"Do you have everything you need in your room?" she turned to him with a soft smile as she was filling the kettle with water.
"Yes, everything is perfect, thank you." he nodded, "Uhm… need a hand?"
"Well… if you could take out the mugs from the cupboard that would be great."
"Of course."
"It's right up there…" she started, then realized he had been in her kitchen before.
"I know," he added, and they shared a smile.
"Sorry, I'm just a bit nervous," she answered without thinking, then seeing the instant worry on his face she quickly added, "I mean about the situation, not you… move in together is a pretty big thing, you know."
"Yes, of course… and actually, I'm nervous too."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh," he nodded. "But I think not for the same reason."
"…"
"I'm nervous because I so do not want to ruin this whole thing."
"You won't, don't worry." she added sweetly. "We are in this together, so it's actually a teamwork."
"Yeah, it is." he smiled, and as he passed the mug, his hand accidentally touched hers, which felt electrifying… they just lost themselves in each other's eyes for a moment, "I miss you so much…" he whispered and placed his hand on hers, but he felt her instinctively pull away slightly, barely noticeable, but he was still aware of it…
"I miss you too, David…" she answered, and he knew she really meant it.
"Hey, I think I have an idea…"
"Really?" her eyes were full of hope.
"What would you say to a little dance with me?"
"Dance?" she asked hesitantly,
"No big fuss, just a few steps…"
"Okay." she nodded, knowing what he was doing and desperately needing his closeness. However, it wasn't as easy as before… he quickly chose some soft jazz music and turned it on… as the soothing tunes filled the air, he gently put his arm around her and drew her closer, ensuring she could feel his closeness, which she had loved so much before… and it worked… as she started to feel his scent and his presence, longing became stronger than her fears, and soon, she was completely in his arms, snuggling against him… a few hours ago, he didn't believe he would be holding her like this, but now she was right in his arms, snuggling close to him, which was like a dream… it was the most relaxing thing he had ever experienced… just staying like that until their chemistry overcame all obstacles, until their lips sought each other, and finally found their way… his kiss was soft and gentle, but passion quickly built up, washing away every fear and worry she had… they ended up on her sofa, making love with the same gentleness they had on their very first night together in the hotel room… while he didn't want to scare her with a sudden move, and she didn't want to make an end of this feeling of being with him…
Soon their mutual life together settled into a nice and comfortable rhythm, things somehow slowed down and they were more present in their relationship than ever before. They genuinely cared for each other, and every gesture they took was thoughtful and caring… after a few weeks, they still slept in separate rooms, but their progress was remarkable… on their first nights together, Julia always locked her door… she didn't want him to know, so she tried to do it extremely slowly and quietly, but he still noticed it… the sound of her door locking felt like a knife in his heart, reminding him that no matter what she showed, she was still afraid of him. It was a constant failure for him, night after night, but one day, he just didn't hear it anymore… he thought maybe he just didn't notice, however his heart began to hope. Next night, he was concentrating so hard that he didn't dare to breathe, but now there was no noise either, and the realization she had stopped locking her door was like a catharsis for him… it was so uplifting and such a relief, that he felt like a great weight had been lifted from his heart… the next few days were lighter than before, all the worries seemed minor… one night, it was almost morning, when she went out for a glass of water and noticed his door was open… at first, panic briefly washed over her, but she quickly pushed the thought away as her curiosity got the better of her and she stepped closer to his door…
"... David?" she asked softly, her voice was barely a whisper, ready for run away at any second, when his answer came,
"I'm awake."
"…" she didn't respond immediately, just tried to analyze the situation, "Are you sure?"
"Of course, I'm fully awake." he said clearly, and felt relieved. "You can come in, don't worry."
"Okay…" she nodded and slowly stepped into his room. He was lying in bed, pulling the blanket away to make space next to him.
"Come, there's enough space for both of us here." he smiled, but saw the hesitation on her. "I'm doing well with therapy, so at this almost morning time, I'm fully awake. You have nothing to worry about."
"Really?" she asked sweetly, her voice filled with relief and happiness,
"Yes, it's okay." he smiled and watched as she slowly laid down and turned her back to him, then he covered themselves with the blanket, put his arm around her and pulled her fully into his arms… sinking into his closeness was the most wonderful thing she could imagine, snuggling was the only thing they had missed during their new life together… his arm around her, his kiss on her head and his smile in her hair was the best feeling in the whole world… they had missed each other so much. Sex was a significant part of their relationship, but this simple act of snuggling at night in the same bed was a real luxury they both have been yearning for… and this night was only the beginning… from that point on, she went over to him every morning for one or two hours before they had to get up… it was their most precious part of the day, they could use it for sex, of course, which they sometimes couldn't resist, but mostly they just laid there and enjoyed each other's closeness… it was like charging any device, these moments recharged them both. David's nerves were healing, and his bad memories faded more and more, while Julia was charging with his closeness, which was what she yearned for the most… in his arms, she often fell back to sleep, but he was always vigilant, staying awake… the truth was, the therapy was going well, but not as much as he had led her to believe, however he wasn't able to give up on her, give up on her closeness, so he just laid there, taking in her presence, carefully staying awake, while she slept peacefully in his arms… but the truth always has two sides… she could perfectly see that he was always a bit tired, and she knew he doesn't sleep just to be with her, however she also couldn't give up on his closeness… it wasn't the easiest for them, but they still felt like they had everything they had ever dreamed of… each other.
The End
