"So… Are we going to talk?"
Words that June Fisher despised, and yet here they were.
"I don't know what you mean," she lied, just to put it off a little longer.
But when Prentice looked at her for a long silent moment, her eyes immediately filled with tears.
The old June would have found a quick and clever escape – after all, if she could make things future June's problem, she sure would. But things had changed. Not only was there just nowhere to run here, but she changed. She grew up. She realized that pretending something wasn't real wasn't going to make it so. The past, the truth, they both had a way of coming back and biting her in the ass. It was how it had always been, after all.
"Yeah," she said. She wasn't sure if it was defeat, or if she was trying to be brave, or what. "What about? I mean, specifically. I'm trying to communicate, Prentice, really."
"Weird for you to actually agree to communicate," said Prentice, and June shook her head, just barely managing a smile.
"Weird for you to start the conversation, bub."
"Touche," Prentice laughed, but he soon grew so sad again. "Can't stop thinking about them."
"Vale would have loved to be at the wedding," June said, her voice catching already. "It was great, but… It kinda made it hurt more."
"Kinda?" asked Prentice, before he shook his head. "It really brought forth just how much we've lost, huh?"
"I mean, fucking everything," June said, her voice hollow as she stared at the wall. And to her surprise there were no tears in her eyes. No emotion deep inside. Barely even pain in her voice. She was just… Numb. "That's the quick way to say it."
Prentice looked at her, and stared at the ground. "Yeah. But it's also the way that for some reason hurts less. Guess it's 'cause you can't really pinpoint just how much is gone."
June shrugged a little bit. "Guess so. You can just say fucking everything and you don't have to say their names. Easier that way."
"But someday we're going to have to speak the names out loud," Prentice said softly. "I mean… Just saying Vale…"
"I hate hearing it, I hate saying it." June could feel discomfort and warmth of tears in her eyes and she closed them. "Sorry. But I just do."
"Me too," said Prentice. "But then nobody is saying their names. Is that really fair?"
"Since when are you strong?" June asked, looking at him and just… She felt terrible right away seeing the pain on his face. "Always," she added quickly, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry. I have all these stupid defense mechanisms. But it's not your fault."
"It's okay," said Prentice but his face just showed how empty he was. Reflected how lost she felt. "You're right."
"No," June said, pulling on her hair a little bit and wishing that she could just be gentle and soft like Riggs, and not so… Scared, and protected, closed. "I understand what you went through. I know the amount of strength required to even get out of bed, knowing what you've done. What happened because of you. For you."
Prentice rubbed his arm, and June finally looked over at him. Her eyes filled with enough tears that they finally started to spill out when she closed them. "Now this," he said softly.
Just when they thought things were going better, that their families were safe. They weren't. They were gone. June honestly didn't want to say it out loud. There was something about it that would give them too much power over her emotions. Like the Capitol hadn't controlled her emotions to the brink with chemicals – and done much worse to others. "Guess we figure out how to keep going," she said finally.
"We've been doing okay so far."
"But it's not okay," June said. It didn't feel okay at all. "I just don't even know where to start."
"Me neither," said Prentice, reaching up to stroke her hair and taking a deep breath. "We just… Keep moving like we have been. I just don't know if it's even struck me yet." He was thinking about his parents. His little sister.
"Me neither, and I'm not ready," said June quietly. "I mean, what can I do?" she asked. "Since when was I strong?" she asked quietly, tears dripping on her lap. "That's what I was thinking earlier," she added quietly, not that it was any excuse and he put up with so much of her shit, way too much if you asked her, he was a fucking saint.
"You are strong," Prentice said. "Sometimes we take our own survival and minimize the strength it takes to get through a day, much less a war. Low self-worth will do that to you."
"Non-existent self-worth now," June said, shaking her head a little bit. "All I had to tout was the things I was able to do for my District, and the people in it. Now there's no District, no people. No family. Everyone that even knew Jasper is gone now except for us. Lilith too."
"Yeah," Prentice said, still trying to believe it was true but there was a small part of him that just couldn't grasp how something that terrible could ever happen. It was only ever a theoretical. He didn't even think about the family of his old District partner until June said her name. Gone. "Well, Cadmus is still okay, there's a small group of them," Prentice said, thoughtful. "And… I invited one here in a little bit. Calliope asked me to."
June stared at him for a moment. "You don't mean..."
"She deserves to have our support too," Prentice said, and June wanted to scream at him, and fight him. But she didn't, because she just didn't want to keep hurting him. He was way more patient and kind than she ever could dream to be.
"I don't know," she said.
"Well then you don't have to stay," Prentice said. "I don't want to cause you to keep hurting."
"You don't cause me to hurt, you save me from all the hurt," June told him, looking at him for a moment before her eyes narrowed and her lips pulled down in a pout. "Shit, man," she said, shaking her head. "Oh come on."
"What?" Prentice asked, looking at the door for a moment, but nobody there. Was her hair tangled?
"Ugh," June said, crossing her arms and looking away from him.
"Do you need-"
"I love you."
Prentice stopped for a moment, his mouth falling open a little bit. It was a whirlwind of a few months since they got together – the past few weeks especially. But he never thought that would be part of this. "Oh."
"Yeah yeah, ya got me," June said, her cheeks heating up in embarrassment. "Ya got me all emotional about a stupid wedding because I was thinking about us getting married someday. Ya got me sharing all my stupid trauma and opening up about my feelings. You deal with all my bullshit and you never let me push you away. Now I'm sitting here and all this trauma and loss has made me figure out that I haven't felt this way since…" Jasp. Maybe. "So yeah, alright, fuck you then, ya got me, congratulations."
"Wow," Prentice said, blinking a few times in surprise and staring at her for a moment. "Thanks," he said before clearing his throat. "I love you too," he said quickly, frowning at her curled up like that and going to wrap his arms around her for a second. "I was waitin' for you first there…"
"I could tell," June said quietly, rolling her eyes a little bit. "You don't take so much shit from someone you don't feel that way about, all offense intended to me. Stupid Numitor did the suicide pact without telling me." She chuckled just a little bit under her breath.
"Well that's a tragedy and also that's a good thing because I don't want to lose anyone else," Prentice said, knowing she was joking but getting serious.
"…Is this a bad time?" Odessa had her hands tucked behind her back and was watching them awkwardly. "Sorry."
"Yes, but it's fine," June said, as Prentice said, "No, not at all."
"I…" Odessa said, and Prentice released June a little bit to wave at her.
"Hi," he said. "Come in."
Odessa looked at them. The roots of her hair were coming through now and she looked so much different from the brash, confident girl she once was. "Hi. Why am I here?"
"Because you're one of us, now," Prentice said. "And I want you to know that we need to stick together, and you're welcome as part of it."
June swallowed down her tears, wiping at her eyes. She knew deep down that Prentice was right. "Yeah," she said, albeit a little lamely.
"Oh," said Odessa, looking at them for a moment. "But…"
"No matter what you were going to do. Move to the Capitol or stay. You're still Nine-born, nine-raised."
"It's not my home anymore."
"Well it's nobody's home anymore, baby doll," June said bleakly.
"You still had folks there that you'll never see again," Prentice said. "Just like us. We're all cut from the same cloth, now."
Odessa looked at them for a moment, hugging herself a little bit before her eyes pooled with tears. "My Mom…" she said, thinking about her and letting out a strained sob. "My step-family. My only f-friend…" Her lower lip quivered a little bit. She was so convinced she was just… Ready to leave District Nine behind and move to the Capitol to be with her father. She figured it would be so easy.
But it wasn't easy at all to say goodbye.
She loved how beautiful it was there. She loved her mom. She loved her step-mom and step-brothers. She loved her best friend Daph. Nobody would ever be around to call her Odie again. She was so focused on escaping with her life that she had barely spared a thought for them. How could she?
"I know," Prentice said, and June softened up a little bit. Sure, she was her mentor, but she was never really moved by her attitude. And honestly, didn't think she would survive very long in an Arena. She was so focused on the Capitol and their necessary evil. Leaving her less glamorous life behind. "Still trying to figure out what next."
"All I wanted was the status-quo," Odessa said quietly, wiping her eyes.
"That's a funny joke," June said under her breath, but she bit her tongue when Prentice looked over at her and tried to reel it back. "Kiss that dream goodbye. All we have left now is survival."
"Yeah," Odessa said quietly, looking at her hands – nails that were growing out their gel manicures by now, dirty and gnarly. "I…" she shook her head. "I don't think I belong here. I was going to run to them. I didn't even… Think…" She sniffed and closed her eyes.
"They didn't value the lives of our District's children, why would they have any value for our families?" June asked her, and Odessa went silent, biting her lip.
"I don't know," she said finally. She was a smart girl and yet… She couldn't argue what she saw. "I was there," she said, the horrifying sights, sounds, and feelings replaying in her head over and over again. She let out a strained noise and June frowned, feeling Prentice's eyes on her. Yeah…
"I'm sorry," Prentice said, shaking his head. "That can't be easy."
"It's not been," Odessa sighed. "I just… I don't know where I even fit anymore."
"I don't think any of us do," Prentice said, and June gave a little nod. "All we can do is stick together to try and figure it out. I just wanted you to know that we're here to help. As people that are honestly… Just as lost as you."
Odessa sniffed a little bit and nodded, before she went over to them and gave them a hug – brief, but strong. "Thanks," she said, because it meant so much to her to be accepted by them. At least someone accepted her, regardless of what she looked like, how she acted before she realized what any of this meant. "I appreciate it. I'd like to come back and talk to you sometime. Please?"
"Any time," Prentice said, while June said, "Knock first."
"Okay," Odessa laughed just a little bit at the two of them acting like that – so typical, she found. "I'll leave you," said to them, able to tell she was invading a little and wanting to leave them be. "But I'll be back."
"Looking forward to it," Prentice said, and June said, "Goodbye."
Odessa just chuckled as she slid the door shut behind her.
She lost everything.
But maybe there was also something she gained.
~.~.
"The hammer and the anvil. A devastating combination indeed." A diagram was drawn out and Domino Choptank was pointing at it.
Tens of interested recruits watched closely, some of them nodding along already.
"It's a combination of frontal assault and flanking. Flanking is the anvil – grinding down the enemy's defense and surrounding them. And the frontal assault, though more slow-moving, is the hammer. It does more damage because of the anvil's weakening."
"How does he know all of this?" Ryder whispered to Mari, who was nodding along.
"I think there's a lot we don't know about him," she said, looking at the group of hopefuls – not nearly as small as she was expecting it to be. Over the course of the past few days, Mari, equipped with only basic knowledge from Camellia and Wolf before the plan went into action, had overseen the training of a new group of valiant fighters – men, women, and in-between alike, they were here to end this torture – putting their own lives on the line. Meanwhile Bella had been helping with Dr. Nox and Baldur's patients, and Daphne the surgeon. They hadn't seen much of Laz the nurse, or his sibling Pres, who served as a runner before losing part of his leg – and even after.
"These people are so brave," said Ryder, looking around with her. They really meant it, too. To even be here was a testament to that. "I can't even imagine."
"Well you're here too," Mari told them, giving them an elbow as her heart fluttered with nerves at that. They really were both here for this. Volunteered themselves. Suddenly she wasn't so sure about it now… "And so am I."
"Right," said Ryder, swallowing a lump in their throat. Sure, they were perfecting their tactical and weapons-handling skills with the rest of the group – and doing well with it – but that still didn't make it feel like they were ever going to actually be at risk of dying. And after everything that happened, Ryder Kota did not want to die. That was obvious from the start. There were so many chances they could have taken and they didn't take a single one. They didn't make the statement that Cheri wanted them to make. They didn't really take a stand for much of anything – and despite what Kodi said, punching Parker in the face for his sake didn't really feel like one to them at all.
"So here's how I would imagine we could create a rudimentary formation that emulates this principle," Mino said. "I stayed up thinking about it."
"Probably stayed up way too late again," said Mari to herself, shaking her head. He was running off of little sleep and though it was impossible for many to tell, she knew right away. Sometimes she was barely sleeping now either.
A low rumble suddenly caused the whole building to shake. Curses were thrown around by various people as the sound ended as soon as it started.
"Wh-what's going on?" asked Ryder, and Mari turned their face to have them look at her.
"Nothing," she said reassuringly… Trying to believe that was true.
"Fairbend, put on a holo. Mayer, you look outside the window, stat, and be careful!" Mino looked at them all for a moment. "Whatever it is, we do it together."
"Together," said Ryder, and Mari reached over to squeeze their hand in quiet solidarity.
"Gross," said Pep beside them, blowing a raspberry as he was still listening to Mino.
"Sh!" Mizuki scolded them. The runners were doubling their efforts between here and helping Baldur – well, the two of them were.
"So," said Mino, looking at the shaken group and clearing his throat. "Here are the formations and their duties. First we would send squad- Shit!" he said when there was a slightly more forceful shockwave that shook the entire room.
"Nothing on the news," reported Fairbend, just as Mayer appeared at the top of the steps leading into the basement, a haunted look on his face.
"The University. They're attacking the University."
"What?!" asked Mino, and Mari's heart dropped to her stomach. She was no stranger to vomit but she seriously thought she was going to as the reality set in, and another rumble shook the house – caused by an explosion. It was really an explosion.
There was really an attack happening – now.
They were really trapped in a war.
"Alright, everyone needs to suit up, now," said Mino. "This is a rescue mission."
And it was organized. They had trained for a sudden situation like this before and bodies moved like clockwork – donning armor and boots, collecting weapons they had all been trained to used. They were soldiers now.
Mino was included, as he was overseeing this and giving out orders – things that they had talked about, and now were about to put into practice. Shit.
"Stay with me," said Ryder, grabbing onto Mari desperately as they both filed in with their assigned squad in their assigned position – off of the front, but not too far behind. "Please."
Mari squeezed their hand quickly. "I'm right here," she said, but her heart was pounding. The explosions had ceased but the typical smoggy atmosphere of the District had been replaced by fire and thick, black smoke. Mari and Ryder moved in tandem with the rest of the group – the armor suddenly feeling heavy, the gun feeling like a foreign object, because now they were going to use it for something they never had before.
"Someone needs to tell Pres and Laz," said Mizuki, and before anyone could protest, she was going, and Pep was behind her.
"Maybe we do that," Ryder said, but they could hear the gunshots. The screams, the cries. They reminded Ryder of when Kehlani died, someone senselessly lost their life, someone with so much more left to give. They tried – they really tried. Mari, something about her, helped them be brave.
"Go!" said their squad leader – someone who had more experience than the two of them with anything like this. And soon, rather than running away from the smoke, they were running straight into it.
Just like we practiced. But the gun was shaking in Ryder's hands. Mari had hers up – a little better at using it thanks to some extra time training with it with Stellan and Kat before everything happened. The smoke was so deep and stung so much that it hurt Ryder's eyes, but they couldn't stop now.
They went to the side, towards one of the dorm buildings which was on fire. People were screaming, covered in rubble and soot. The whole area reeked of smoke and blood – and was that charred flesh? They didn't really know.
A few of them did their duties helping those who were injured and trapped, while others were on the offense. Screams were echoing – whether they were of the sinner or the saint couldn't be decided.
Ryder held their hand down, pulling up a college-aged girl with coppery hair and silvery gray eyes. Mari was stubbornly pulling rubble off of a young man that looked much like her. Mari had to stop moving rubble to put her gun back up and shoot, but more and more Peacekeepers kept coming – it was clear that they were outnumbered.
And then came the call to retreat.
Retreat?
And leave these poor people behind?!
Ryder just… They didn't know how they could do that. But when they saw the number of Peacekeepers, the number of lives that were being taken by them, they realized that they didn't want to be another number.
So again, they were ready to run away.
The group holding back their forces soon grew smaller and smaller – bodies were collapsing, and some were running. The fight was lost. Students that were just living their lives. Of course, District Five University was almost exclusively inhabited by District kids – Capitol children were rich enough to afford school by home or in District Three. And since it was the summer, the only ones that remained were those that were all but homeless and stayed on campus working over the summers, just trying to survive, to help their families any way possible.
Boom.
Scream.
Crash!
Rumble.
It was a lost cause. They just had to escape with their life now.
Another battle, another escape. Seemed to be something they were good at. More gunshots fired. Another blast sent a ringing through their ears.
Survive. All they could think about. Run. Flee.
Until the column collapsed.
In an instant something changed. Rubble had been crashing and falling around them. But this was coming down in their path. And…
"MARI!"
It was a feral yell that escaped their lips, the loudest they had ever spoken, and everything stopped.
It didn't matter in that moment what happened to Ryder. They hustled quickly and were able to pull her away from the rubble, push her forward, send her flying to the ground, as the weight of the collapsing walls fell on top of them.
Mari was able to push herself out from underneath and her face contorted in horror when she saw Ryder – their legs completely pinned by the weight of the concrete and brick. To anyone else, she realized, it was a scream that joined the chorus of brave militia men and innocent, terrified college students. But to her, it was suddenly the end of her world.
She started to panic as she saw Peacekeeper forces coming in, trying to muster the strength to move the rubble on top of Ryder. "Help!" she called to anyone. "Help me!"
But nobody was going to stop to help.
"Go! It's okay," Ryder said, letting out another yell of excruciating pain. They were hurting so badly, legs on fire, burning so badly they were practically numb.. And yet here they were, and they knew that this was the culmination of all their fear, their constant running and hiding, their constant stupid self-preservation. "It's you. You're worth dying for." That was who they were. That was the cause they cared about, more than anything – their friends. No… Their family. That was why they even let Cheri talk them into all of this in the first place. All they wanted was to make their family safe and happy. And if this was their last action, then… For once, Ryder Kota was okay with that. Because it wasn't for themself, it wasn't for something that was a maybe, something they didn't understand. It was for their Mari. And that was worth it to them. It was truly worth it all.
Peacekeeper forces moved in closer. The rebels were falling, they couldn't hold them back anymore. Mari didn't know what to do.
"Go on," Ryder said, still struggling despite knowing the truth – just to make her happy, to urge her along, to make her not worry.
"I can't!" Mari said, and as much as she wanted to believe it… That was a damn lie. When the gunshots became louder, she wanted to persist. When the bullets started flying and grazed her shoulder and hit her leg, she knew that they were aiming for her. "Help," she said weakly, but she couldn't stay any longer, and she turned away from them, her heart seared, falling apart, fucking burning as her adrenaline kicked in and allowed her to run in the direction of other retreating militia and college kids.
She left them.
They were gone. She didn't even know how she was going to go on. Until she saw her one last hope, going in the opposite direction, and she called his name out loudly.
"Mino!" she yelled, closing her eyes. "Ryder! Please!"
He was already gone, disappeared into the fray, the thick black smoke, the fire, and she wasn't sure he was even able to hear her.
There was a brave soul directing the survivors away from the action – some of them toward the McCarthy house and the injured to the household of Baldur and Nox. Mari felt someone come and help her – a total stranger, absolutely nothing like her – a thin, older, District man, someone that she never would have thought about before, but now considered a comrade – a friend.
When she got there, the house was crowded already, full of people that were injured, bleeding, and crying. She looked around in a haze before she started to feel dizzy. Someone was there to help her sit down as the pain began to catch up to her and suddenly she was in absolute agony. But her leg wasn't even what hurt the most.
She heard whispers of "okay," it's going to be okay, but she wasn't okay. The tears were flowing from her eyes as sobs fell out of her lips. Why did she ever agree to this? This wasn't what she wanted when she said she would help. And yet, she was here. A group of tens had become sparse, some their lives replaced by students who were innocent, many of them burned, bleeding, bruised. And she just felt fucking empty.
She had to go. She didn't have a choice. She was just bruised up and bleeding now, a bullet literally an inch from her head that was just lucky enough to hit her shoulder… She couldn't believe it.
You're worth dying for… She never believed that. She didn't know how she would ever believe it, but she would need to figure it out fast… She zeroed in again in surprise when she saw a familiar face.
"It's going to be okay, only a few stitches," Laz reassured her when he got near and looked at her leg. "You're lucky."
She didn't feel lucky at all.
But Laz was so efficient with his disinfecting and stitches – even Mari could tell that despite how agonizing it felt and she tried to bite back her cries to not scare him. "Alright, scissors please."
"Got it." Pres was used to the routine now after witnessing it a few times, handing him the tools to cut the suturing material.
"You're back," Mari said weakly, her lips shaking.
"We're working on it," Pres said, as Laz spoke at the same time.
"I had to see my family to find where my heart is."
"I see," said Mari weakly and closed her eyes. Family… Freddy, Lizzie, Camellia… Ryder. No, not Ryder…
"Electrolytes coming through!" said Pep who was bringing around little cups while Mizuki was pouring quickly.
"Here," said Pres, his face darkening with concern for her as she was handed a drink. "Thanks guys."
"This one next," Laz said, and Pres was willing to help his brother.
Before Laz got started, the door burst open and there was a gasp in the room.
"Mino!" said Laz, dropping everything to run over to him. "I'm here Mino, I want to help. When Pep and Mizuki came and told us my Mom opened her house and I came running back. I want to help. I-"
Mino smiled but was more concerned with what he had in his arms. Or… Shit, who.
"Ryder!" Mari cried out, and Mizuki quickly pressed on her chest to keep her from getting up to go over.
Ryder barely looked like a person with how deformed and blood-covered their legs were, and they were moaning a little, just barely conscious. But alive.
"Ryder," cried Mari, as Mino started to carefully step through the crowd of injured people with them over his shoulder, going toward the ladder which was already open to the surgery section of the little make-shift hospital – the attic.
Mino looked at Daphne and Nox who looked at him and let out identical audible gasps. There was something in Mari's desperation that he still couldn't fully understand. But could relate to. Something about how she was begging that he couldn't ignore. He knew they had something special, they were good ones, they had something together that were nothing to Mino but a dream.
He had to go back and help.
And despite being bloodied up himself and injured, he had one request as he set Ryder down before he fell over a little bit on the plywood.
"This one first. Please."
~.~.
She didn't know exactly what was happening in the dream.
By the time she jolted awake, she didn't even remember the details. The where, the why, the what, even. But he remembered the who.
Indigo Alejo had been apart from them all for so long. And when she finally got them all back… This.
The woman that Indy saw in his dreams was nothing like her. The woman she saw in her dreams looked like her best friend. But that figure had a lost look in her eyes. She didn't talk. She forgot who any of them were. In one dream, she even tried to attack them.
Indy had seen shit in that prison complex, she saw what they did to them. She saw how they were held and tortured. Their brains damaged – it was yet to see if that damage was permanent, if it would ever heal. Even Em at the wedding, though that he was having a good time, smiling, dancing… It seemed like a total stranger. And Indy didn't even know him outside of stories from Maggie – she just could tell that there wasn't a soul to be found in that body anymore.
Indy reached up and touched her face, noticing that her cheeks were stained with tears. They had their time together to say goodbye, try to let go together. The wedding seemed to help with that – it was the first time she'd seen some of them smile in a while – Vos even played, and she was still so proud of her. And yet, worried about her.
But not as worried as she was about… Well, a few others, actually.
She rubbed her face a little bit, hating how fucking wet it was with so many tears she shed unconsciously. Guess she wasn't ready to let go quite yet – and quite possibly never would be.
She rolled over a little bit and it took her sleepy brain a moment to realize that the bed beside her was empty – yet still a little warm.
"Papi?" she asked, her voice practically an octave lower from sleep as she sat up and wiped her eyes, squinting in the dark. She felt around, but he wasn't on the bed. Soon Indy found the dark figure hunched over in a chair.
"Huh?" Monty looked up a little bit when he heard Indy shifting around in bed. "What are you doing up?" he asked right away, in a soft voice, crawling back in bed right away seeing that she was stirred.
"I had a bad dream," Indy confessed honestly. "I just… I need you to hold me, please," she said, immediately crawling over to him before he was even settled in bed, curling up in his arms and closing her eyes, just taking in his familiar scent – he got sweaty and hot at night but she didn't mind the scent of his sweat. It was grounding.
"Of course," Monty said, putting his face in her hair for a moment.
Indy closed her eyes and gently squeezed his arms. Usually being in his arms made her feel better. But tonight… For some reason, it was just making her feel worse.
Well… She knew the reason.
"Gracias Guapo," Indy said quietly, even though she was still crying, her tears making contact with his bare skin.
"I got you," Monty said, gently petting her hair. "Whatever it is, it's not here and you're safe with me. I would do anything for you, Indy." He held her closer and gently rubbed her arms as she bit her lip and sniffed through her nose a few times.
"I need you," Indy told him, grabbing on tighter and afraid that vocalizing it would make him let go. Leave her.
"I need you too, Hermoso," Monty said with a smile as he held her, and Indy could feel his heart racing and she knew exactly what he was going to say before he even said it.
Fuck, please.
Don't.
But he was… A fucking idiot.
"Te amo."
Fuck.
"I'm sorry."
Of course. She knew him. After all she rescued him. She helped him make himself a new life, just like the others.
But he didn't know her. At least not like this. And she barely knew herself. The only one that knew this part of her was Vos. Someone that understood. After fighting so hard to escape being the proper young lady the sperm and egg-donor wanted, she still didn't want others to know that she felt… Well, this way. Only sometimes. The worst times of them all.
"I'll always be here." Monty was quick to backtrack, but his heart was still pounding. She could hear it roaring in her ear. A big heart. A heart that was so… full. That beat in the chest of a man that was everything.
"I know you will," Indy said, as her tears continued to flow, puddling up in divets of his muscles. "You're a fucking idiot, Papi. You can say that. But you don't know…"
"That you're aro or whateva? I don't care about that. I don't need to hear anything back. I just want you to know. We've been dancing around it since I got back but you don't just wait forever for someone that's supposedly dead if you don't feel that way."
"I know," Indy said, still in disbelief about that. "You could have found someone better. That could have loved you better. And you didn't."
"Couldn't possibly find better," Monty said right away, without a question.
"It's not that," Indy said, shaking her head a little bit. "I know that you know that and… Still are stupid and dumb," she grumbled a little under her breath through tears. She still didn't know why. "Just… How could you love me if you don't know me?" she asked quietly.
"I do know you," Monty said, shaking his head a little bit.
"Hermosa."
Monty blinked a few times. "What?"
Indy let out a bitter sob, hiding her face a little bit and suddenly regretting saying it out loud. Her feet twitched, begging her to run away from him right now, leave him first before he could leave her. "Don't make me say it again, because I don't feel that way."
"Hermosa," Monty said softly, and with how he said it, the small whisper, the gentle caress of her hair… He made it feel like it was true. "Bonita."
"I…" Indy said, her heart pounding with panic. "It still doesn't feel right. After getting out and changing my body to look how I feel comfortable. Just to get stabbed in the back by this occasional feeling of dysphoria…" She was such a mess. "Will I ever be happy?"
"Someday, we'll be happy, Picardias," Monty said right away. Steadfast. Always right there. "That moment in the heat of battle terrified me. When things got dicey and I fully realized it could cost me you. Again, I-I couldn't handle it. I switched in an instant back there. Suddenly all I cared about was you and me. So selfish…"
Indy blinked a few times because that struck her deep in her core. "Yeah…?"
Monty smiled a little bit. "Yeah. Then at the wedding, when we danced together and I got to hold you close again… It reminded me why I felt that way when things got tough and people started dying. That selfish protection but I just can't let go of us. I can't. I never will. Never could, whether you're machismo or bonita. And you are, you know I love pretty girls."
Indy's eyes filled with tears, but… They were different. "Yeah," she said with a nervous little laugh because she still didn't feel like she deserved his reassuring words. "Wow, Papi."
"I know, I know, I don't shut up," Monty said. "But I haven't scared you away."
"No," Indy said, wiping her eyes and looking at him in the dark, her heart starting to race. "I… That's exactly how I feel about you," she said quietly. She couldn't let go of their… Us. "Is that… Love?" she asked quietly. "I-I don't even know, nobody's ever loved me before…" She thought back to all the ways she suffered back in District Four, and they felt nothing like this.
Monty bit back a smile and shrugged. "That's how my love feels," he said with a shrug.
Indy thought about that for a moment. "Oh. I… Well, I don't know what love is. But I know that that… Whatever that is that you just said… That's how I feel about you, Monty. If that's love then, damn… I guess I love you."
Monty grinned and hugged her closer for a moment, just for a moment. "Oh now I can't go back to sleep. I'm too excited!"
"Don't get your hopes up too high," Indy said as she felt her cheeks heat up, but she knew him. His hopes were already sky-high. "I-I don't know how to do any of this and there are still many others that could do it better. Like you deserve."
"I don't care," Monty said, and the words warmed up Indy's chest, and her limbs. "You are mine and I want you." He picked up her face to give her a kiss and wipe off her tears. "Ugh, there's no way I'm going to sleep now!"
Indy laughed a little bit – his excitement was so typical Monty, and reassuring at the same time because it was him. "Me neither," she said with a small chuckle because she was… Excited… Scared… A little confused… But it felt good to get that out there. "Why waste time sleeping when I could be up with you?"
"I like it better when you're here," Monty said with a smile. "Always happier when you're with me."
"Yeah, I agree. Oh my God, so this has been love all along?" Indy asked, still completely bewildered. She thought love was… Difficult. But this just felt so easy. With Monty it just always felt easy.
"That's how I feel it, so if I'm wrong then we're wrong together," Monty said, nuzzling Indy's face and she grinned, before they went back into a silence. And the silence made things… Just a little bit heavier.
"So… Why were you up?" Indy asked him quietly, feeling a little bad to bring the mood down but fuck… She was worried about him. "Do you do this often?"
"Mostly just since the mission," Monty said, letting out a heavy sigh and just petting Indy's hair and staring at the ceiling.
"Yeah," Indy said, frowning at him. Monty was always there for her, and yet… Who was there for him? "I'm still getting nightmares. Seeing Janine, tortured. Hollow. No soul left in her, just a husk of the person I used to know. And when I see it it's all so real. I wake up and I just… What if, Monty? What if we left her behind to suffer!?"
Monty frowned at her, still staring at the ceiling. He had been trying to hold it in, but… Indy of all people deserved the truth. He could feel her warm tears on his chest and bit his lip, hesitating a little bit. "You don't need to worry about that," he reassured her, gently petting her head. "It was impossible. It was every effort I could do for her. I promised to protect her for you and dammit I tried…" he said, biting his lip and Indy could feel the tension in his throat.
"I know, Papi, I believe you," Indy said right away. "Don't hurt yourself anymore." She could just see how much it hurt him to even think about.
"I made sure they weren't going to be able to do a single thing to her," Monty told her finally, and the tears started to fall out of his eyes, gently seeping into his pillow. "I made sure she wouldn't suffer anymore."
Indy was quiet for a moment. She knew there was something he wasn't telling her, and… Honestly, that was probably just around what she expected. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt to hear him say it out loud. "Oh, Monty…." She said quietly, just hugging him tighter.
"I'm so sorry. There was just a moment where-"
"I don't know what I would have done if you had gone down with her," Indy said. "Even instead of her. I take it back, the only person I want you to protect is you, and me, because I need us now. I love us." She shifted to hug him tightly around the neck, practically on top to her, just to be close to him as much as she could, try to tell him how she felt… "Te amo," she said quietly, and squeezed her eyes shut, letting out something between a sob and a laugh. "I don't know how I feel about saying it. Very scared and a little happy and-"
"Te amo tambien." Monty smiled and wrapped his big warm arms around her, burying his face in her hair for a moment.
"It was brave of you to do that," Indy said, squeezing him a little bit as her tears continued to flow. "Thank you."
"It was what she wanted," Monty said. "I just knew," he said softly, but it didn't take away all the guilt he was still holding onto. And regret for what he did to her, even knowing it was the right thing. Indy could feel his breaths becoming more ragged and held on tight. She wanted to be anything to him like he was to her.
"I know," she said softly. "You don't need to talk about it anymore, Papi," she said softly, sniffing a little bit and just holding onto him tightly. "I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you," Monty said, closing his eyes and still holding onto her. Indy could see how tired he was. Even with the excitement, he was still falling in and out of sleep. She wanted to do whatever she could to help him and be strong for him, because he deserved it.
"Just close your eyes," Indy said to him quietly, gently patting the tears off of his cheeks. "Go to sleep, darling. Te amo."
Monty wanted to stay awake, but when Indy talked to him quietly – a mix of delicate Spanish and English – he eventually couldn't make himself stay awake any longer. After nights of no sleep, staying awake, trying to pray, trying to cry, trying to do anything… Finally he found a little bit of peace. Indy was here.
Indy loved him.
Fucking finally!
…
They felt bad sneaking out at first. They stayed with Monty for a little while, to make sure he was truly asleep. What a relief it was when he finally started snoring, entering that deep sleep that Indy was sure he hadn't had for days.
But this was how they had to be strong for him.
He tried to take on way too much and those fucking bastards were still trying to make him be the one to go find their missing child.
They didn't know what Indy knew – they never would know what Indy knew – but of course Chica was Chica and wanted to keep coddling him, while Vos was Vos and wasn't poking that with a ten foot pole – nor should they. Roxy was still upset at Monty for not doing more, and Indy didn't care because he was here. That left this job to them, even though they barely felt qualified for it. They didn't know Roux like the others knew him. Maybe that would be better. Then if Roux hated them, at least he still had plenty of support to go to instead.
They could see how much the memories hurt Monty – and couldn't believe he was able to push through any of it as well as he did with what he must have seen. But they couldn't make him relive it again. So this was just something they had to muster the strength to do for him. Because they… They might love him. It was too late for might now, they already told him and could never break his heart like that. So they did. They loved him. They didn't even know what love was until they met him.
They were tired and it was still into the night when they knocked on Maggie's compartment door. Since they lost Janine, she was back to sleeping by herself, trying to take the emotional burden of her brother on herself once more. They would have to do better for her. But right now, they needed her.
Maggie looked tired when she opened the door, but Indy could tell they didn't waken her. "Hi…"
"Hola," Indy said, biting back a yawn. But they just couldn't sleep right now and needed to do this without Monty there to tell them no. They felt bad going behind his back, but it was for his own damn good. "I need your help, amiga."
"Of course," Maggie said, stretching her arms a little bit and rubbing her eyes. "Do I look okay?"
Indy chuckled at her – gray-dyed hair practically as tips now with how much her natural ginger color was growing out. "Perfect," they said, before sighing. "You remember Roux?"
"Janine's kid?" Maggie said, tilting her head. "I mean, not her actual kid, like that, but…"
"Yeah, basically her kid," Indy said with a sigh. "After we told them Janine wasn't coming back, Roux ran. Didn't show up for a while, didn't show for the wedding either. I have a general idea of where he is and someone needs to go give the kid the respect of honesty he deserves. And Papi wants to do it so bad but I can't make him do it. I want to be strong for him for once, make his life easier."
Maggie listened and gave Indy a small smile. "Yeah," she said. "I'm happy to help how I can."
"Gracias," Indy said, holding out their hand to her. "I just need a little support, and don't know who else to go to."
"Then I'm happy to help," Maggie said, reaching out and taking their hand with a reassuring squeeze.
Indy tried a smile back but got more and more nervous as they got closer to the wing that they'd heard. Hopefully this was it, they couldn't lose Janine's child. It was so clear in the little time Indy got to see them together that they were thick as thieves. She'd kill them if they lost the kid now.
"You can do this," Maggie said to them quietly, reassuringly. "And I'll be here for you. Monty will be so grateful."
"I hope he'll be grateful and not mad," Indy said as they took a deep breath and put out their hand with the quietest little knock on a few different compartment doors. It didn't take long for the door to open, and in front of it was not Roux, but… Another redhead.
"What's with all these gingers?" Indy asked, before looking at her. She wasn't at the wedding either. "Sorry to bother you. I'm looking for a boy. Yay big, dark hair, shaved side, probably a hot mess." Indy held up their hand.
"Roux?" asked the ginger, and Indy and Maggie both nodded their heads.
"Aha," the girl said. "We got him for now." But she stepped aside to let them in. "Whisper's the name. And my brother Tower."
"Thank you Whisper," Maggie said, keeping hold of Indy's hand and walking with them into the compartment. "We appreciate you hosting him for a little bit. Is he… Alright?"
"No," said Whisper, looking at the little back area where the aforementioned boy was curled up with another young boy that must be Tower. "He goes in and out."
"So do I," Indy said, shaking their head weakly and suddenly full of regret. They weren't ready to do this. What made them think they would be brave?! But Maggie held onto their hand tightly, almost knowing they were thinking about running away, letting Monty come be the strong one, the caretaker, just like always…
But soon they didn't have a choice at all.
"Who's here?" A voice that wasn't at all recognizable, so it must be Tower. And then a small moan that they did recognize that must be Roux.
Whisper clicked on a light (begrudgingly as she would have rather lit a match) and put it by the nightstand.
"It's Indy," they said, and squeezed Maggie's hand. She'd betta not leave them hangin!
"And Maggie," she said, trying a smile, but… Roux looked terrible. "We met once or twice."
"I know," Roux said, before he let out a little vocalization. "Go away."
"I'm here for you," said Tower, sitting up and reaching a few times before taking an old and dirty pair of glasses, sliding them on his face as he looked at the visitors.
"I don't want to see you!" Roux said, squirming a little bit and grabbing handfuls of his hair. "No! Go away!"
"Give him space," Whisper said, putting out her arm to stop the two of them from going closer to Roux right now. "We've found that helps."
"Oh…" said Maggie, looking over at Indy who was chewing on their lip a little bit.
"Roux-"
"Don't talk too much either. He just…" Whisper said, shrugging her shoulders a little bit.
"It's a meltdown," Maggie said, watching Roux still vocalizing and barely able to control what he was saying as he was grabbing handfuls of Tow's hands. The other boy was a good sport despite his hands being squeezed so tight with fingernail marks in them.
She could tell he was taking this hard and let go of Indy, pointing a finger at them to keep them in place, and going slowly toward Roux. "Time for calm," she said, getting down to look into his face, red and teary and angry. "Breathe," she said – a gentle yet firm instruction, and put out her hand with her belly to show him a breath.
Tower saw her breathing and took a deep breath, and Roux watched him with teary eyes and squeezed his own shut.
"Again," Maggie said, encouraging both of them as she took a nice deep breath, remaining calm, still giving a little bit of space. The second or third time got Roux to breathe with them and once he started breathing, his tears started to slow a little bit, a little more, until they were down to a quiet flow. "Can we talk?" she asked quietly once he seemed to be calm.
Roux looked at her, and at Indy, standing in the back with hands behind their back awkwardly. "…Yeah," he said quietly.
"Okay," said Maggie, putting out her hand once more for Indy, who took it again and stayed with her. "Thank you. We know you're sad. It's okay to be sad and we can all talk about how sad we are."
Indy wasn't sure what exactly she was doing – or why, but they didn't coddle Roux by trying to smile. It just wasn't genuine, and he deserved the truth. Well, the truth he could handle."We are all sad. Absolutely devastated by what happened. We lost part of our family too," they told him, their lip quivering as they tried to hold back tears. They squeezed Maggie's hand a little bit, glad they asked her to come because she was so much better at this than them. "I rescued Janine, just like she rescued you. From the start she was strong. She was resilient. She was always there. We laughed together, we cried together." Fuck, they were hurting. They still wanted to turn and run, and they would have, if Maggie wasn't there.
"I want her back."
"We all want her back," Indy said, because they just related too much to the desperation in their voice. "All of our hearts are hurting without her. We did everything we could to try to help her, but she wanted to help us. Just like she helped you."
Maggie put out a hand to stop them for a moment as Roux was just looking at them with tears pouring out of his eyes. Indy looked at this poor kid – a kid that Janine loved and would do anything for… Just like she would do anything for them… They bit their lip a little bit, their heart sitting in the bottom of their stomach and their throat fucking sore from trying to hold back tears.
"Ready to keep going?" she asked Roux.
"No," he said, and Maggie nodded. Indy looked at her. She had such a good way with him. She seemed to understand something about him that Indy didn't. "You tell us when."
Roux stared at the ceiling, looked at Tower, and took a shaking breath, rhythmically rubbing the comforter a few times. "Okay, when."
Indy sighed a little bit, not even thinking about what to say in that time of silence. "I… Fuck, I just don't want to lose two people in the family," they told him honestly. "We all want to help you, Roux. We all loved her so much, and we love you too. Because of her, and because of who you are too."
Roux put up a hand and Indy caught it, despite Maggie putting up a finger to them. They could already see so much of Janine in this kid, how much she loved him and how much she cared for him. Indy could just tell.
When Roux put the stop hand down, Indy sighed. And then they spoke. They weren't sure where the words came from – it was almost like Janine was whispering them in their ear. She was helping them be strong for just a moment. A moment when they needed her guidance, it… Almost felt like she was there, helping them.
"We love Janine. We miss Janine. Just like you do. We are sad she's gone. We know you must be overwhelmed with how much you miss her. We feel that way too, sometimes. But you don't have to feel this way by yourself. You still have a family that loves you. We want to take good care of you. We want you to come back home. So we can grieve – be sad together."
Roux nodded slowly at them, looking for a moment and not saying anything, while Tower was there beside them. Then they spoke.
"I'm named after a color. Like you."
Indy pointed to themself for a moment. "Oh." That caught them by total surprise.
"She loved you too," he said, and then looked down again. "I am so sad," he said, his eyes filling with more tears. "I can't even handle or control it."
"It's okay to be sad," Maggie said, and Indy was so stunned that they were glad she jumped in and said it. "Nothing will make it better. But when you have people that love you, we help each other when we feel sad. We can talk about why we feel sad. Talk about her."
"I loved her so much," Roux said with a quiet little sob as Tower passed them the box of tissues – again. "I miss her. I don't know what to do."
"Be with people you trust," Indy said, looking at Whisper and Tower for a moment. "Us or them, doesn't matter. Just know that we understand you. We feel sad with you. We want to talk about her and how much we love her with you. Every time I hear something new about her, it makes me feel so happy," they said, choking up a little bit and sniffling it, swallowing tears back down for just a moment before letting themself break a little bit. They owed it to him, in honesty. "Proud. Still sad now, but hopefully… Someday, we'll be happy, hermano." They could still hear the gentle whisper coming from Monty's lips. "Someday," they said as they looked down and tears dripped out of their eyes.
"Somehow," Maggie said, smiling at them a little bit and giving Indy a big hug – she just hated seeing them so upset and she was proud of them for doing this.
"You're always welcome here, kiddo," Whisper said, looking at Tower and Roux together and smiling at them a little bit. "But you should go home now. Time to face it and not just keep running away."
"You'll be there too… Mags?" Roux asked, looking at Maggie.
"Huh?" Maggie asked, before pointing to herself. "Oh, me." She hadn't heard anyone call her that before – usually reserved for a Victor of old. "If you want…" She would find it in her to help be brave for the people that accepted her so easily into their own. "I'll be there."
Indy looked at the boy for a moment and their lip started to quiver. They never fully accepted it, but it was getting more and more impossible to hide from the truth.
Janine was gone.
They didn't notice how their lips were quivering until they saw Maggie looked at them with that look on her face, and they quickly took a deep breath in through their nose.
Focus on the present. They had to be strong.
The boy watched them for a moment, his heart broken. His eyes looking lost. Streaming with tears. Then, he swallowed down a lump in his throat and then closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Indy's neck and giving them a tight hug.
Indy let out a small sob, unable to hold it back any longer and gave him a hug back, collapsing just a little bit with tears from the weight of everything that happened the last week or so. The trauma of missing her friend. The uncertainty of her whole identity. The pain she had to watch Monty handle, and trying to find the strength to help him. "Gracias," they said quietly, their voice quivering as they tried to stay calm. But after a moment, they let go and… Just had to ask.
"How did you know I needed a hug?"
Roux just gave the smallest of smiles for the fastest of seconds, feeling happy, and yet so sad, and ready to go back to the people that knew her, people that he could talk to about her and would mourn with him. Help him grow past this. Manage his emotions… Maybe.
Change.
Grow.
Take the opportunity that was given to him to make more of himself.
"…I could just tell."
~.~.
A/N: Five.
Next Chapter: After running away for so long, Stellan and Kat's ragtag family comes together to mourn a Journey's End.
