I took a long, hot shower easing the tension my body had been holding on to since lunchtime. I did the bare minimum of mascara and lip gloss, threw my hair in a ponytail and dressed in my basic uniform of jeans and a stretchy t-shirt. I was off to the bonds office to turn in my body receipts and get to the bottom of this Batman mystery.
When I entered the office, Lula was behind Connie at her desk and neither one paid me any attention. Their eyes were both focused on Connie's computer screen. My attempt at a hello got me shushed.
"There, right there!" Lula shouted and pointed at the screen. "That's where he did her dirty!" Suddenly the noises from the computer changed from conversation and more towards moans.
"What are you watching?!" I shouted as I stepped behind the desk to see for myself. I was sorry I did. It was a cartoon! And they were having sex. I clasped my hand over my eyes and moved back to the safe side of the desk. "Are you watching cartoon porn?!" I all but shouted at them.
They looked at me, startled, as if just now realizing I was there. At the same time Vinnie's door flew open and he came charging out demanding to know, "What are you watching? Is it Filthy Figments, 3D Girlfriends or Crazy Cartoon Sluts? Those are all good ones. Animated Kink is my favorite, but that might be a bit much for you ladies."
Each website he named sounded weirder than the previous one. I threw up a little in my mouth I think. Lula stopped him dead in his tracks as he tried to round the corner of Connie's desk to see what they were watching. "We ain't watching no porn. This is an adult cartoon, with romance and action!" Her hands were on her hips, obviously insulted.
Vinnie held up his hands and backed towards his office, "Sure, sure, and men read Penthouse for the articles." Rolling his eyes, he ducked into his office and shut the door right before the stapler Connie threw nearly took his head off.
Connie searched her desk and under her pencil cup she found the listening device Vinnie had planted. She dropped it to the floor and crushed it under her heel and paused whatever was on the computer. Lula had a seat on the sofa and I took the chair in front of the desk.
I handed in my receipts to Connie wondering if we were just going to pretend this whole thing hadn't happened. Plus I had to think up a way to bring up the whole Batman and Catwoman thing. You can't just casually mention that, can you?
Never one for subtly Lula asked me point blank, "You think Batman eats pussy?"
I choked on the spit in my mouth. My eyes got wide as I coughed a couple times before calming to the point that I could ask, "What?!" I thought about sex a lot, like a lot - a lot. But talking about it was a whole other thing. I was taught a good Burg girl didn't do such things. They know that Ranger and I have been together but I've never offered details.
She rolled her eyes at me and then spelled it out, "Do you think Batman eats pussy? You know, tastes her twat, smooches her snatch, bites her box?"
Holy alteration Lula. "Why are you asking me?" When in doubt, feign ignorance.
Connie interrupted, "Just answer. We need an unbiased opinion."
Now my head was swimming. I was far from unbiased, I mean I had first hand knowledge of the man's talented tongue and marvelous mouth. Crap, now she had me doing it too! I mean I didn't want to point that out to them because it would bring about more questions that I didn't want to answer.
So I just said, "Yeah, sure, why wouldn't he?"
Lula whooped loudly and Connie looked annoyed as she said, "Apparently heroes don't do that."
What? None of this was making any sense. So I asked, "Okay, what the hell are you guys talking about?"
While Lula did a little celebration dance in her seat, Connie explained. "We've been watching the Harley Quinn tv show. A guy I went out with was big into DC Comics. I dumped him but kept watching the show. I was telling Lula about it at lunch today and we started arguing."
Well that explained what I overheard at Pino's but I was still lost, "Why are you arguing over a cartoon?"
Connie explained, "In the show Batman is dating Catwoman." Bells and whistles went off in my brain and the fog finally began to clear.
I interjected, "Isn't she a villain?"
Lula gave a hollar of support for what I said and Connie ignored her, "Sort of, they explain her back story and whatever and anyway, they start dating. So it's a cartoon but it's for adults, like they swear and there's violence and stuff. Anyway there was an interview with the writers on the internet today. Apparently when they wrote a sex scene for Batman and Catwoman, they wrote in that he was going down on her and the producers said, absolutely not. You can't write that."
Lula rolled her eyes and snorted. I was confused, "If they are already having sex, what's the big deal?"
Connie started to answer but Lula interrupted, "They said heroes don't do that. Can you believe that shit?" She was getting agitated, "Hell, if a man do that well enough, I don't give a shit about what else he can do, he's a hero to me!" She had a valid point. Dickie was terrible at it, and hated doing it. Joe had a lizard tongue but he was always keeping score. Then there was Ranger. He was a wizard. And man, he was particularly fond of plundering my pie.
She stood up, waving her arms, "Plus I mean how you gonna tell me Batman don't eat pussy? Why do you think the mask only covers the top of his face? So he can dine downtown! Plus look at the mask, hell it got handles right on top for her to hold onto while he does it!"
She had valid points, I guess I've never really given too much thought to the sexual preferences of superheroes. Other than Ranger's that is.
Connie interjected, "They said they have to sell Batman toys and it would ruin his image."
This seemed to set off Lula even more. "The fuck? Who gonna think any less of a man who takes care of his lady? Plus it could open up a whole new line of merchandise. You know Batman's a gadget man, think of all the things he'd have on his utility belt. Shit they could have a whole line of sex toys. Superman's silver bullet pocket vibe, Green Lantern's cock ring, Wonder Woman's gauntlets and golden lasso to tie you up!" I could almost see the wheels turning in Lula's head.
I didn't want to put a damper on her plans but I commented, "I don't see them doing that."
She nodded at me, "Probably not, but they missing out. Those DC people are tight asses. I like Marvel better anyway. That Stan Lee, he was a dirty old man. You know them Avengers do it all. You can't tell me Tony Stark don't eat ass. Black Widow she like a dominatrix and the Falcon, man, Anthony Mackie can help me spread my wings any day. Hell, Captain America, I bet he a freak! You know it's always the quiet ones." She gave us a knowing look. With her former profession as a ho, she was an expert in the field.
"And the Winter Soldier, shit baby, bring that vibranium arm over here and show me what it can do. But I think he's probably gay for Captain America. And my boy, T'Challa," she paused, fanning herself with her hand, "that Black Panther have me shouting Wakanda forever." She was so passionate as she talked, she started to get a glazed look in her eye.
I was surprised, "I didn't know you were so into superheroes."
She nodded and sat back down on the couch, clearly spent from arguing her point. "I dated a guy a while back who was a freak for the MCU. He got me hooked on it. Plus damn, they all hot!" Connie and I both murmured in agreement.
I just wanted to be sure, "So all of this is about a cartoon?"
Connie smacked her gum, "Yup. The internet is all up in arms about it."
Catching a second wind, Lula said, "I'm all for Batman eating kitty cat, but not that kitty. If he don't look out that bitch gonna bite him in the ass. He's 'posed to be with Wonder Woman. I mean she's Wonder Woman, an actual goddess, the most beautiful woman from an island of beautiful women. But no way she going to put up with a man who don't lick her slit. That's just disrespectful. She deserves to be worshiped." She paused, "Hell every woman deserves that." Connie and I both nodded. Lula got sort of an evil grin and added, "I tell you what, you know who's not gettin' any right now. Those assholes at DC. Their wives and girlfriends ain't put up with that shit."
Connie and I mmm hmm-ed at that too. I mean I agreed with Lula. Batman belonged with Wonder Woman. But I was a bit biased in that respect.
Before anything else could be said, the door to the office opened and Morelli ducked his head in. "Cupcake, can I talk to you for a second?" He tilted his head to the right indicating he wanted me to come out to talk to him, he wasn't coming in.
Why not get it over with, I thought. "Sure. Give me a second." He shut the door and I asked Connie for my check from my captures.
She held out the check, but didn't let go when I grabbed it. "Steph, I didn't get a chance to tell you what I wanted to tell you at lunch." She looked a little sad, like it wasn't going to be good news.
I grabbed the check and stuffed it in my bag. "Morelli and the ER nurse?" She nodded. "That's okay. I know. It's time. But I'm fine with it. Relieved actually."
Connie looked at me a bit skeptically but finally smiled. Lula whooped, "'Bout time girlfriend. You and Lula gonna hit the club tonight and find you a new man."
I gave her a big smile, "Thanks for the offer Lula, but I can't. I have a date." They both let out gasps of surprise and I dashed out the door before they could ask any questions.
Joe leaned against the side of my car, hands in his pockets and ankles crossed. Since he was parked next to me I took up the same stance opposite him, leaning against his car. He gave me a smile, but it wasn't his usual 'I want to peek down your top' smile, it was tinged with concern. "I wanted to check on you. Carl and Big Dog saw you in the parking lot at Pino's. They said you were upset."
Good gravy! Did everyone in the Burg have to witness my meltdown? And how did I not notice? Ranger would not be happy that I had not been aware of my surroundings. "Erm, yeah. I got some upsetting news, but it's good now." I smiled, but it was probably a little sad too. I might be ready to end things but we had been together for so long.
"Cupcake, Steph…" he stalled. "We should talk, I mean I know we said…, but you probably heard…"
I stood up and leaned over, kissed him on the cheek and gave him a quick hug. "Joe, it's okay. That's not why I was upset. It's all good. I want you to be happy, I want to be happy. That's never going to happen if we're together. It's time to let go and move on." It felt good to be the one to call it. Even though it was mutual, I didn't have to feel like I got dumped.
He let out a sigh of relief and gave me a smile, before concern covered his features, "If it was that, what were you upset about?"
I waved off his concern, "It was nothing, I overreacted. It's all good now."
He studied my face, trying to decide if I was telling the truth. I'd fibbed to him often enough so he was an expert. Apparently he believed me. He nodded, then pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. He shuffled over to his car and opened the door to climb in. He turned to me and said, "Make sure he takes care of you Steph. You deserve it." I nodded, not sure what to say. He gave me a long look before climbing in his police issued POS and driving away.
Lula talks too much. Now there's going to be a part 3.
P.S. Chapter 1 had 300 readers but only 10 reviews. Show a girl some love!
Also thanks to Jennifer for bata-ing for me!
