Chapter Six: Elizabeth & Millicent
Sunday hadn't worked for Millicent to speak with Elizabeth, because unknown to her Dad and Auntie Millicent, Allie had made plans for her friends to come by their home and meet her Auntie.
All of Allie's friends had come at once, with nothing to serve them, so Millicent quickly whipped up some Strawberry Cupcakes with Lemon Icing and Lemonaid, including all of Allie's guests in the process, endearing her to them more than ever!
Nathan watched, amazed that nothing seemed to ever phase his best friend.
Whatever it was, she made it work, and did so eloquently, with a zest for life that reminded him of Colleen.
When they found a moment alone, Millicent could sense Nathan was perhaps a bit apprehensive about her not yet meeting with Elizabeth.
"Nathan, no worries, Elizabeth was very open to our meeting. I'm sure we'll find a time to talk, soon!"
"I'm just glad she was open to it! And Millicent, thanks for doing this, too. I've not seen Allie so happy in a very long time!"
"This is nothing but joy, Nathan. So much fun to meet her friends! They all love her too, and that just makes me so happy! Colleen would be so proud of how you've raised her!"
He bent and kissed her cheek.
"Somehow that helps, Milli! Thank you for saying so!"
The school had been adjourned at Morning's end, just before lunch, in order for some necessary heating repairs to be made by a Team from Union City.
Since the Wood-Burning Stove was in need of being replaced, Lee and his School Board Members decided to upgrade to Steam Radiators instead, which were now all the rage given the Spanish Flu Epidemic.
The concept was that fresh air warded off any bad diseases. So, the Radiator units, placed under or very near the windows, were designed to fully heat a space, while at the same time allowing the windows to be left open, even in the dead of winter, letting fresh air fully circulate throughout the enclosed space.
Elizabeth had to stay after the Children left, to answer the men's many questions.
Her only concern was the noise the Radiators would cause, but the Men assured her she and her Class would still be able to communicate effectively, although they admitted, it might need to be a little more loudly.
By one o'clock, their exchange had been completed.
Elizabeth was actually glad to have the free afternoon and thought she'd go into the Café to see what was happening in Hope Valley, and maybe grab a bite of lunch.
On her way to the Café, she watched as Nathan exited and crossed the street, headed for the Mountie Office, but he hadn't seen her.
She noticed how happy and relaxed he seemed, and she wasn't sure she had ever seen him look quite that happy before.
She wasn't surprised at all to find Millicent sitting inside at the table by the window, drinking a Cup of Tea.
Her face lit up when she saw Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth, please join me!" she smiled, making Elizabeth feel totally welcome.
In fact, although hesitant, Elizabeth was glad for the opportunity to talk with her.
"Are you sure, Millicent? I don't want to intrude."
By that time, Millicent had stood.
They both greeted each other with a kiss on each cheek, as they were used to doing in their old High Society Circles, followed by a warm embrace.
"Don't be silly! Have a seat. The special is Burgoo, and it's quite delicious!" she suggested.
Clara walked up to take her order, as Elizabeth was getting situated.
"What can I get for you, Elizabeth?"
"The special comes highly recommended. I think I'll have that. Thank you, Clara," she smiled.
"Tea?"
"Perfect. Chamomile, please."
When Clara brought the tea, she brought along the honey and cream along with it, as she knew that's how Elizabeth liked it.
Millicent watched as Elizabeth dribbled the tiny blobs of honey into her hot tea, then finished it off with a splash of heavy cream.
"That's exactly how I take my tea," noted a surprised Millicent. "Except my tea of choice is cinnamon. I like a little spice!"
"I think maybe I've had a bit too much spice in my life lately," laughed Elizabeth weakly. "Calm and slow is nice for a change. Although with a toddler, nothing is ever calm or slow, come to think of it!"
"It must be wonderful! I was hoping to meet him," she sighed. "Everyone says he's Darling!"
"I'm sure you will, but I must warn you, he's a bit of a storm. One gets nothing done when that Little Boy's in the room. Inquisitive beyond his years, and a bit more mobile, than I'd like at times! Let's just say, he keeps me on my toes!"
"He sounds absolutely delightful. I know Nathan thinks the world of him!"
Elizabeth's heart ached at that acknowledgment.
"Yes, and Jack adores him!"
There was silence for a moment with neither of them knowing what to say.
Then Millicent brightened, "Tell me about your writing. Nathan says you're in the middle of publishing a book?"
"Yes, I've always wanted to write…"
Elizabeth seemed hesitant and Millicent could tell that for some reason this topic she thought was so safe, was actually not.
So, she deftly changed the subject.
"Well, I know you're an excellent teacher without a doubt. Allie adores school and the other children seem to as well!"
But instead of taking the compliment as it was meant, a cloud seemed to come over Elizabeth.
"Yes, I think we're all back on track. It's just that there was a time Allie adored me, and I miss her terribly."
Millicent took Elizabeth's hand.
"Oh, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to imply that at all. All this is so hard for me because I haven't been here during the history you all shared to know what has or hasn't happened."
"There were lots of joys before I destroyed most everything. But those things aren't what we need to be talking about on a pleasant Monday afternoon! Tell me about you, Millicent. What do you do?"
"Actually, I'm a Barrister!"
"Really, Nathan never said and I…"
"It was just something important to me. I work mostly with children, trying to improve the systems that sometimes seem to trample over them in not the best of ways! I also run multiple National Charities that focus on their welfare as well. Children are my passion. They're very dear to my heart!"
"We're not very different, are we? Here, I teach and try to mold to prepare them for better futures and you advocate and improve their welfare, both legally and financially. That's quite impressive, Millicent! Where did you go to Law School?"
"McGill University in Montreal. I actually have my practice there in a beautiful old building my Father owns. I run the Charities in the same building, but they're so involved, it's a completely separate set of offices. Between the two careers, I seem to have taken over the entire building!"
"Well, that's even more impressive! I know McGill is the number one Law School in Canada and the most prestigious. You're the first woman I know to have graduated from there."
"Actually, I was the only woman in my class! My father teased me about it, but he was really very proud. McGill offers combined training for both Common and Civil Law, and it was important for me to do both. I first became a Solicitor, then spent a year in pupillage, or deviling as they call it, in various areas of Quebec, and then became a Barrister. It's been a perfect fit with my Charities, for which I am ever grateful. It's also been very rewarding, and I truly can't imagine doing anything else."
"It all sounds quite awe-inspiring, Millicent. It really does."
"Well, what you've accomplished is also amazing. I can't imagine coming out West on your own, to do the thing you loved most. How very brave! What made you decide to teach here, if I may ask?"
"I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to teach children from ordinary families, children who would otherwise not have had a teacher, or at least a trained one. I was tired of teaching wealthy spoiled brats, and I say that being one of those wealthy spoiled brats!"
"Understood! That's very commendable of you, and shows not only your dedication but your strength! I'm very impressed!"
Bill had been right, she and Millicent were exactly alike, from similar families and lifestyles and they completely understood each other without even having to say much. Why, had they known each other growing up, they might have been best friends.
Except Millicent's best friends were Colleen and Nathan. Whereas Elizabeth realized, all of her best friends had been daughters and sons of other rich parents. And Elizabeth knew that was a significant difference because as awful as it sounds and it is, the wealthy seldom mix outside of wealth.
It spoke volumes of Millicent's character that wealth was not a requirement at all for whom she chose to associate with, or whom she chose to love.
For that alone, Elizabeth liked her already!
"Millicent, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Of course not. I'm quite the open book," and then she laughed. "Once you get to know me, I suppose!"
"How did you, Nathan, and Colleen meet? And, if you don't mind my asking, how did you become so close? Because I can clearly see he adores you, and you, him."
"Well, you haven't met his mother, Sophia Grant, who is like no other! She's totally a second mother to me, and she figures prominently in this story! I love her dearly, Elizabeth. In some ways she was more of a mother to me than my own growing up," Millicent began. "Mama was always so busy supporting my Father, hosting all the constant Social Events, and running multiple Country-wide Charities. She's quite wonderful, too, don't get me wrong, although her schedule didn't' leave a lot of time for us, no matter how much she wanted it to."
She continued.
"My family is blessed to own many homes for us to live in, all over Canada, but our main home growing up was located out in the middle of nowhere, just outside of a little town of less than about three hundred people, called Swan Hills. It sits on the Athabasca River and has some of the most beautiful scenery you've ever seen, although our home there is still a Mansion by anyone's standards! Father had been raised in the area, and was determined his children would have a similar idyllic childhood!"
"Colleen and Nathan lived on a huge Horse Ranch that was not far from us. A big old country home, we all loved to spend time at. There wasn't a school in sight, so my parents brought in tutors for me and my older brother, Richard. My little brother and sisters were much too young to be included at first. And of course, there was so much of an age difference between us, that by the time they were old enough, my parents had to actually hire separate tutors for them."
"Mrs. Grant was a big advocate of getting the best education possible, and she was not at all happy about the home-schooling materials she was being sent, so she came to my parents and offered to supply them with milk, eggs, and any kind of cheese they could ever want, in addition to boarding and training our horses during the summers when we left if they would allow Nathan and Colleen to join us in our classes. Well, my parents were thrilled because the Grants not only owned the very best and most knowledgeable Horse Ranch around, and Father really needed our horses stabled for the summers when we left, without having to transport them. Also, milk and eggs were hard to come by in the area, unless you raised your own cows, goats, and chickens, which the Grants did and we didn't. Plus, Mrs. Grant was known for her famous cheeses, which Cook was beyond thrilled to get her hands on! And we Children, needless to say, were elated because we were gaining friends out in the middle of nowhere!"
"Little did our parents know, we'd not only be life-long friends, we just sort of intermingled the two families with us children doing everything together. Mornings and early afternoons in classes at our place, followed by long afternoons of riding at the Ranch! It was Heaven! Idyllic, really, just like Father had hoped for. Of course, not long after, Mr. Grant had to leave and Mrs. Grant had to manage running that huge Ranch all on her own. But, I must say she excelled at it. It just kept growing and growing under her! She really is a marvel!"
"I suppose you'd say that the four of us just became brothers and sisters! It was way beyond friendship. We adored each other, and as you can tell, still do! I guess, finding each other made living tolerable in such an isolated place! And there you have it, how we met and grew close!"
"It's such a lovely story," smiled Elizabeth. "It's almost like a new family was born!"
Millicent smiled and nodded, "Exactly like that, and that's what we are. Although, not by blood, we are absolutely a family in every way! Why I still visit Mrs. Grant every chance I get! And I adore Mr. Grant, as well. His Gaelic tales are like no others!"
"Make no mistake, we were the wealthy ones, but the Grants gave us far more than we could have ever given them! From complete acceptance to homemade chocolate chip cookies, to discipline, to love, to a childhood on the Ranch that couldn't have been better. We were truly blessed!"
"I hope I get to meet her someday," noted Elizabeth wistfully. "She sounds wonderful!"
"She's truly a force to be reckoned with! And you'll love her, too. Everyone does!"
"But the Ranch sounds so perfect. Why would she not have wanted to raise Allie there?" asked Elizabeth, curiously.
"Oh, but she did. It was just that there were no children, no schools, not like when we were there as children. Mrs. Grant just couldn't allow Allie to grow up without access to any school or children to play with, and she couldn't possibly leave the Ranch. By that time my younger siblings had grown up, so that wasn't an option. Remember Swan Hills and the entire area is very isolated. And the Ranch is quite a distance from there. It almost destroyed Nathan's Mother to have to give Allie up, especially after losing Colleen, but she writes Allie weekly, and she sends her packages all the time to let her know she loves her. Nathan and Allie try to visit her at least once a year. Of course, just after Colleen died, Nathan made sure the visits were even more frequent."
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, as you'd expect there's not a better horsewoman than Mrs. Grant, and she runs that Ranch with an iron fist. But, her background, though intriguing, may sound a bit incongruous. She was actually an artist and a top dancer in the British Isles. She took on teaching all of us children everything equestrian, as well as, both arts. There was no Cotillion within thousands of miles! But, you've seen her dancing through Nathan, and her art is absolutely incredible. Father has commissioned several paintings from her that hang in our various homes. And Colleen was a budding artist as well. I have several of her pieces, as does Nathan, but I noticed he still hasn't put them out. I think it's still just too painful for him. It was for me at first, as well. But now, for me, seeing them is a comfort of sorts."
"My, Mrs. Grant sounds incredible!" said Elizabeth, who was more than surprised to find that Nathan's mother was so cultured, although she shouldn't have been at all. Had she belittled his own mother in her mind, as well as Nathan's upbringing?
How wrong could one person be?
"She's very beautiful, too. Tall like Nathan, dark hair peppered with a single streak of stylish gray, the bluest of eyes, very slim and trim. Just striking. But so humble, just like her son!"
Millicent followed up by telling several funny stories of them growing up together, letting Elizabeth know Nathan had always been Colleen's and Millicent's protector, which didn't surprise her in the least.
It was so sweet to hear of their hysterical mischievous antics, the four of them thick as thieves, and it warmed Elizabeth's heart to know that not all of Nathan's childhood, nor Colleen's, had been pain. There had been happiness and joy, too, as well as lots of love, and for that, she was very grateful!
Elizabeth had many questions about Nathan's Sister, Colleen, and Millicent gladly and patiently answered each and every single one. It helped Elizabeth feel like she knew and understood Colleen from the inside, instead of just being an outsider.
It was clear, in addition to being Childhood Family, Nathan and Millicent were bound even more closely together by Colleen's death, with each of them helping the other through their massive grief.
Millicent also proudly told Elizabeth of Nathan's many accomplishments. She told of heroic action after heroic action, none of which had ever been mentioned by Nathan, of course.
She also told of his leadership positions in the Mounties, having been very active in the training of recruits for the more difficult Missions.
She painted a whole comprehensive picture of him, that Elizabeth had never seen before, one with even more accomplishments and depth of character than Hope Valley knew.
And in a strange way, Elizabeth felt closer to Nathan than ever, yet at the same time, also more distant.
Nathan had an entire life she had known nothing about, yet Millicent did, and very intimately so.
It shook her in some odd way.
He was extremely well educated, and according to Millicent well-traveled, as he and Colleen often traveled with her family, visiting them as well, wherever the Bradfords were at the moment.
Talents she knew nothing about such as playing the guitar, the piano, singing, and even writing songs and poetry.
How could Elizabeth not know those things?
Never once had he mentioned Medals to her, although Rosemary had mentioned a ton of them were now on display in his Office.
"Nathan, why haven't I seen all these medals before?" Rosemary had asked.
"Because the Commissioner just recently ordered that all our medals be on display in the local offices. Believe me, they'd still be in my trunk, if I had my way! Hate having to look at them every day. They're just a bunch of metal and ribbons. No big deal, Rosemary!" he had humbly replied.
But Rosemary, whose own father was a highly decorated Mountie assured Elizabeth, "That was not the case at all. These are rarely seen medals, highly significant, and indicative of astounding bravery and character. Sort of in a class of their own."
And yet, Elizabeth had never even seen them.
Elizabeth had no idea where her next question to Millicent came from, and although she knew she shouldn't ask it, she couldn't help herself.
"Millicent, have…have you and Nathan ever been a couple?"
Millicent looked at her not quite knowing what to say.
"Elizabeth, I love him more than anything. But no, we've never dated. Why would you ask?"
"I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. It's just that the two of you seem so intimately connected."
"We are intimately connected. But, we've never been a couple in the sense you're implying."
Although Millicent was very gracious and didn't even change her tone, Elizabeth could tell she had both overstepped and hit a nerve.
Millicent looked around to find the Café had completely cleared, yet she still didn't want to broach such a personal conversation with Elizabeth in a public place, although she did what to understand what exactly Elizabeth had done to Nathan. She only knew Nathan's hurt was very deep and very intense.
"Elizabeth, it occurs to me that I've been the one talking, telling you all about my life and Nathan's, yet you've said very little. I know there's something, or was something, between you and Nathan, I also know whatever it was devastated him. It's the reason I'm here, quite frankly. I'm doing my best to help him heal, but that's very difficult to do not knowing the particulars. Especially when he's telling me very little. What is it I need to know, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth looked at her timepiece.
"Rosemary took Laura and Little Jack to Buxton for the day. We could go to my place for privacy and talk a bit there if you'd like. I will tell you it's horrific and it's extremely difficult to talk about. But I want Nathan to heal more than anything in this world. And you're right, you can't help him heal without knowing what happened. Why don't I get Clara paid, and let's head home?"
It was awkward, but Millicent knew she needed to tell Nathan where she would be, so he would at least know that she wasn't with Allie.
"Elizabeth, I'm sorry. Do you mind if we stop by Nathan's Office? I need to tell him where I'll be, so he'll know to check on Allie."
"Of course."
The two walked across the street, and Elizabeth walked into Nathan's Office for the first time since she had told him she wasn't in love with him, and it hurt her to the core. Each step and every single word came flooding back in the most horrible of ways. She felt as though she were drowning.
When she made herself snap back, she glanced at the far wall.
Rosemary had been right about the medals. They covered the entire wall. Jack would have given anything for those and proudly shown anyone who would look at them or listen to his stories.
Jack and Nathan were nothing alike and she had always known that, always separated the two, totally contradicting those painful words she had issued to him instead. Why had she ever made the devastating statement that was a complete and total lie? Why?
Seeing the medals and their value somehow drove home the bigger point to her that she had never valued Nathan's love. And she felt as though she needed to throw up.
Thankfully, Nathan wasn't there, so Millicent left him a couple of notes, leaving one on his Desk.
But as Millicent closed the Door behind them, she noticed Elizabeth had gone pale as a Ghost.
She took Elizabeth's arm, and the two Ladies walked to her Rowhouse together.
They stopped on the way, as Millicent had written a second note to put on Nathan's Rowhouse door, making sure he would get her message.
It hit Elizabeth, "You know, I'm not proud of this, but you've shown Nathan more consideration in simply writing two notes than I think I ever have."
"Elizabeth, I'm sure that's not true."
They walked on till they were at Elizabeth's own Rowhouse, where Elizabeth opened her Front Door, welcoming Millicent in.
"You've made this into quite a lovely Home, Elizabeth."
"Thank you! As you know, we're limited on space a bit, inside the Rowhouses, but we somehow make it all work! May I pour you a Cup of Tea?"
"Oh, no thank you. We've had quite enough Tea, but I wouldn't mind a glass of cold water if you don't mind."
"Please, have a seat and make yourself comfortable."
Elizabeth got two glasses of icy cold water and brought them in on a tray, which she set on the table between them.
Millicent sat on Elizabeth's Settee, and Elizabeth sat down in the chair across from her.
"Elizabeth, you'll learn that I'm blunt and get straight to the point, especially when it's related to those I love. I do want to get to know you better, and I do hope we become friends, but as I said earlier, I also want to have a better understanding of what has happened that has hurt Nathan so deeply. I don't mean to pry at all. But, he deserves all the help he can get. So, please help me understand, so that hopefully, in turn, I can help him better. That's all I ask."
Although Millicent spoke the words in the nicest of ways, they were still a bitter pill for Elizabeth to swallow.
She could clearly see Millicent's deep love and concern for Nathan, as well as her wisdom. She even appreciated the fact that Millicent got right down to business.
"I totally understand," said Elizabeth. "All that matters now is for Nathan to heal from the damage I know I caused."
She looked so sad that Millicent's own heart would have broken, had she not seen Nathan with the same look many times over the last few days. And it was clearly Nathan, who was Millicent's primary concern!
"I want you to understand I am going to tell you what you need to know. But I also want you to understand, I am in no way making excuses for myself or for Lucas," Elizabeth began. "I can't even make them to myself now that I can clearly see what I've done, and I most certainly am not going to make them to you."
Millicent noticed the cringe when Elizabeth said Lucas's name, then spoke up.
"Elizabeth, I appreciate that, but I can't spare you this as much as I'd like to. Nathan's current pain, which apparently was inflicted by both you and Lucas, resulted in utter devastation for him. There's a rawness about him, I have never seen before. But, having said that, I do want you to know, now, thanks to God, Himself, and a very kind Lady, he is finally experiencing peace over this sordid past. So, in spite of everything, he is putting it behind him. And I hope, in some way, that helps you to heal, too."
She continued.
"However, I don't want to mislead you in any way. And I would be remiss to not mention his current indecision over his future. I honestly don't think he even knows what his future holds. I say that not to hurt you at all, but to let you know where he is. You're being open and truthful with me. I owe the same courtesy back to you. I fully believe this conversation has to be about the truth, and yes, only the truth, as we both know it."
As much as it chagrined Elizabeth, she understood that was a consequence of what she, herself, had done to him, and she expected no more and no less.
Elizabeth nodded in agreement, and Millicent listened attentively as she continued her story.
"First of all, Millicent, you should know, I think I fell in love with Nathan the first time I saw him. Looking back, I honestly think that's the moment he captured my heart. We became good friends because, at that time, I was not at all ready for a relationship of any kind except Friendship, which is what we gave each other."
"I had just lost my husband, Jack, who was also a Mountie. Tragically so, in a landslide, while he was on a Mission. And yes, later I found out that Nathan was supposed to have been on that Mission instead of my Husband, but deep down, I knew Jack's death was never Nathan's fault."
"The whole time Nathan and I were building a close friendship, Lucas seemed to always be there too, wining and dining, although I would never let them be labeled as dates. Nevertheless, he always seemed to manufacture them, and basically, that's what they were. I don't know why I never put a stop to it. I'd be upset at first, but I guess he always charmed me out of it! And to be honest, it was what I was used to as a young girl in Hamilton. I wanted a Library, he gifted it to me and the Town. I wanted to see a famous author, he got the tickets and took me there, under the guise of friendship, of course! I wanted to write a book, he sent my manuscript to his mother, who happened to be a Publisher, and he did that without my knowledge, I might add. My book is now in the final stages of getting published. But, of course, now, I wish that had come about differently. Those are the types of things Lucas did, big extravagant things, whether I wanted him to or not."
"On the other hand, Nathan never asked me to go on a date for the longest time, although I tried to give him hints. He seemed painfully shy about it. Maybe he just knew I wasn't ready. I really don't know. But he finally did ask me, the Day he led a Prisoner Transfer, but I couldn't give him an answer before he left, and he was kind enough to offer to let me think about it. I couldn't give him an answer, because it hit, that this was real, this wasn't a date, this was us moving forward into a relationship, and deep within I knew I wasn't ready, no matter how much I wanted to be. I should have explained that to him. But somehow, I just couldn't."
"That day, one of the Mounties was killed. I thought it was Nathan and I lost it. I literally lost it! I was beyond devastation. Please God, not him too! But then, as if by a miracle, he was suddenly walking toward me, and all I could do was run and embrace him with all my might, listening to his heart, touching him, holding him, making sure he was really alive. It didn't even matter that the whole town was watching, Lucas included, I learned later. I only saw Nathan."
"But, that moment froze in my mind, and I couldn't get it out, no matter how hard I tried. I had almost lost Nathan."
"Both Nathan and Lucas were gone most of the time over about a six-week period after that. I knew beyond a doubt that I was totally and completely in love with Nathan. Although, I became more and more terrified with each passing day. So much so that when Nathan returned and reminded me of wanting an answer about our date, I just couldn't. So, I put him off, till finally, he wouldn't take no, rightfully so, and he suggested we go to dinner, and take the children with us since I didn't have a babysitter."
"What happened next is horrible of me, and I'm deeply ashamed of what I did to both Nathan and Allie. The four of us were walking into town, on our way to the Café for Dinner, our first date, when the Stagecoach drove up, and Lucas's Mother got off. Here I was meeting her for the first time and she made some catty comment about me not paying enough attention to my book, and I was a nervous wreck. I also had not said anything to Lucas about my Date with Nathan, and for some strange reason with all that happening at once, I felt guilty and sick, and I asked Nathan to take me home, which he did."
"I look back on that moment and know how terribly I betrayed him and Allie. I should have forgotten Lucas and his mother, they hadn't even given me the courtesy of telling me she was going to arrive. I should have gone on and had our dinner, and I wish had. But I can't change how I initially reacted, although I've wished a hundred times over that I could. Bottom line and I own this, I was selfishly concerned about Lucas and Helen over Nathan and Allie. Why, I'll never understand."
"Elizabeth, I'll be honest, I don't understand either, especially if you truly loved Nathan. I also don't understand how you could hurt a little girl like that, who had already lost her mother. I happen to know that was a big deal to Allie. She told me so when we went Fishing. That child idolized you, how could you have done that to her, and to her Dad?"
"I hate that I did. I honestly don't know what came over me. I was terrified of Helen, but that's no excuse. And how I could have been more considerate of Lucas's feelings than Nathan's at that point, I can't even fathom."
"Not long after that, Nathan left to go scout out a possible parcel of land he was considering buying. By that time, unknown to him, all my fears of losing him like I had Jack, and like I almost lost Nathan, had come back with a vengeance, cascading complete horror and panic over me. So much so, it paralyzed me. I knew no matter how much I loved Nathan, and it was more than I have ever loved, I couldn't go through losing him. I just couldn't."
"And I suppose because of that fear, I became irrational. Because when you think about it, none of this makes any sense whatsoever!"
"I happened to be sitting by the path, that he rode home on, and I was petrified when I saw him coming because instinctively, I knew this was it. I no longer could avoid him. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him. But I was in self-preservation mode. There's just no other way to describe it."
Millicent noticed Elizabeth swallowed hard, and she was having difficulty continuing.
"He dismounted Newton and told me about the land, how perfect it would be. He was so very happy. I know he meant for us, but he pretended he meant only for Allie and him. He told me he loved me, that he was in love with me, the words I had wanted to hear for three years but was now too afraid to hear. He told me he knew I felt the same way, too, and although I couldn't say it, I did. I completely did. He was right. I was head over heels in love with him. But I didn't tell him that. Instead, I told him I couldn't give him what he wanted, that I could never go through losing him like I had Jack, that it would just hurt too much, and I got on Sargent, held his reins in the bridge configuration, leaned forward out over my Horse's neck, raised my body in the saddle, and literally galloped away as fast as I could, never once looking back. Because I knew if I did, I'd run back to him."
"It was the most heartbroken I had ever been in my entire life, and I know it was the same, if not worse, for him. But out of fear, all I could do was run. So, that's what I did."
"Elizabeth, you're shaking. Are you alright?" asked her concerned Guest.
"I have to tell you this, Millicent."
"I don't understand any of this. But apparently, because the pain was just too intense, I couldn't deal with it, and my mind just wrote Nathan off. I didn't allow myself to grieve for him, because it would have destroyed me. I didn't allow myself to think about him, in any positive way, because that too would have destroyed me. When I ran into him, it was as though he didn't even exist beyond just those moments."
"But he had to deal with both his pain and your pain, never once saying a word to anyone, watching what happened next," explained a furious Millicent. "Elizabeth, don't you realize as horribly as you were treating him, he was worried about you!"
Elizabeth could see the fury in her beautiful green eyes.
Elizabeth started crying, dabbing at her own eyes with her handkerchief that was soon soaked, leaving Millicent to offer her own as a second.
The crying was no longer silent, it had grown into quickened gasping breaths, with Elizabeth heaving her body trying desperately to manage her pain.
Trying her best to slow her gasping and rapid breathing.
In spite of her fury, Millicent got up and knelt in front of Elizabeth, taking her hands, soothing her as best she could.
It took quite some time.
The whole discussion had affected Elizabeth so profoundly, she had to excuse herself to wash her face, and straighten herself up as best she could.
She returned drained but determined to see this through.
"I'm so sorry, Millicent. Please forgive me."
"Are you well enough to continue," she asked softly. "We can always finish this another time."
"No, I need to get this out. Now. I can't stand it inside me any longer," she grimaced, determined to finish. "And you need to help Nathan."
She cleared her throat, almost strangling on her words at first.
"I'm not…I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I blocked Nathan out of my mind and treated him in the worst possible way. I even subconsciously lashed out at him in every way I could. Shaming him for causing pain to Allie, when it was me who had done that. Blaming him for missing a Parent-Teacher meeting, when he probably should have. Telling him he wasn't a good Father because of that, and that he needed to be a role model for the Man Allie would marry, both the furthest things from the truth. He already was a great Father and role model. Oh, I was beyond awful. It went on and on. I don't know how he survived it. I don't even know where it came from inside me. And yet that beautiful man apologized to me when I should have been on my hands and knees, begging his forgiveness."
"But, whatever the reasons, I also immediately started flirting with Lucas, even in front of Nathan. Shamelessly, stupidly thinking that would end the trauma for both Nathan and me. Lucas is a true romantic as courting styles go. In fact, he courts exactly like my Husband did. Tons of candles, tons of romance. Everything beyond the norm. Full of pampering. All the things I was used to with Jack, that had been missing in my life for so long, and because I didn't love Lucas, there was no emotional attachment, so I didn't feel like I was betraying Jack when I was with him. We were shameless and we flaunted our "relationship" in front of Nathan, pretending it was something it wasn't. As I said I was horrible, we both were horrible. And I know, I'm the one who allowed Lucas to be horrible, too. I could have stopped it, but I didn't. I guess I was trying to convince myself, and I was trying to convince Nathan, that we didn't belong together."
"I will tell you Woman to Woman, that the entire five-month period I dated Lucas, we never even kissed. He tried. I couldn't. I thought it was because of Jack. It wasn't at all because of Jack. It was because of Nathan."
"After all these over-the-top dates with Lucas, he finally decided what he had really known all along, that my heart was with Nathan, and he broke up with me. You would have thought that I would have run straight to Nathan. Here was my chance! But I couldn't because I was still frozen with fear of losing him. In my world, it simply was not possible to take that risk, no matter how badly my heart wanted to. You see, I had lived the loss before, and because of that loss, I loved Nathan even more, and I simply couldn't imagine surviving if I lost him."
"So, instead of doing what I wanted to do, I told Nathan that all this time we had just been friends, that I had only seen Jack in him."
"Elizabeth, you didn't? I've never heard of a woman saying such a cruel thing," Millicent had tears in her eyes. "No, wonder he's been destroyed!"
"Regrettably I did, thinking I was killing any chance that we might ever have, and I'd be free of the pain wondering whether or not I was going to lose him. It was inexcusable. I did purposely destroy him, and any chance of our love, that awful day. Saving both of us from each other, or so I thought. Me from possibly losing him, and him from my irrational fear."
"I immediately went after Lucas and told him he was my choice. And to be honest, we put on a show for everyone. Hmph, it was even for ourselves, convincing each other we were a real Couple, doing the right thing. We kissed several times out on the Bridge for the very first time ever, period, and it was in public. Not even passionately. It was lustful, and no it didn't fulfill me or excite me, although God help me, I pretended it did. We kissed again that night in the Library, where I let him read my Book, in my mind cementing us as a Couple. But in reality, and I've never even told Rosemary, my Best Friend, this, it sickened me that night. It was nothing. There was no love, no passion, no emotion, just lust. I never allowed him to kiss me again. And to this day he has never told me he loved me, nor I, him."
"Yet you agreed to officially court?" Millicent asked incredulously.
"I had to. It was part of the charade. I had chosen to live a lie. By that time, I had no choice. And by officially beginning to court, I took away his choice, too. I suppose I was so weak by that time, that I couldn't stand on my own two feet. I still thought we could build a life together."
"Elizabeth, think about this and answer as honestly as you can. This is important. Was there any love whatsoever between you and Lucas?"
"At first, I thought there could be, eventually. That I would force myself to love him, and I would gradually get him to love me. But as you know, and had I been thinking straight, I would have also known, love doesn't work that way. You see, whether I physically was with him or not, Nathan already completely had my heart. And I'm going to admit something I can't believe I'm saying out loud, because I mean no disrespect to my husband, Jack, whatsoever, and please don't take it that way. I deeply loved my Husband with everything I had, but I was young, and I was only capable of so much love. I gave all of that love to him willingly, and he gave me all of it and more back. It was wonderful. But it was young love."
"Loss and grief change you, as does pain, and all that together causes you to cherish what you do have in a way that you could have never understood before. Because of the loss, the grief, and the pain, the joy I felt with Nathan was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Because of all the loss we both had been through, our love was very intense, I don't even know how to describe it, except to say if we accidentally touched each other, there was always a spark. I know he felt them too. And yet we've never even kissed."
"Millicent, I've never had that with anyone, before. I didn't even know it was possible! The first time it happened, I thought, 'That has to be a fluke,' but then it kept happening."
"I know if I lose Nathan's love now, and I know that is a distinct possibility, if not probability, my heart will always be empty, even if I were to remarry on some distant date to someone out of a regular sort of love, my heart would always desire and long for Nathan. I hope he feels the same, but I no longer know. And I'm doubting more each day, that our love can even be possible."
Millicent noticed the immense sadness in her face that thought had brought, and it pained her heart, because, again, she had seen the exact same sadness on Nathan's face over and over again.
Elizabeth wanted to say more about her love for Nathan, much more, but something made her stop. She had no right, and she knew it.
Least of all to the Woman, who thought the world of him.
'She, of all people, doesn't need to listen to my drivel,' thought Elizabeth. 'I've hurt enough people.'
So, she, instead, decided to summarize more generally.
"The thought of never being able to share our lives with each other, to know his dreams, to know his wishes, to know his love, to know my dreams, to know my wishes, to know my love, well, that thought is unbearable. But, Millicent, that unbearable thought is now our reality, and for me, it is even more terrifying than the thought of losing him to death. You see, out of my own ignorance and stupidity over protecting myself from that very thing, I lost him to life, by my very own hand."
Millicent could tell that Elizabeth was being open and honest with her and she appreciated that deeply. After all, they were strangers to each other in so many ways, yet in others, because of their intense love for Nathan, they were somehow connected.
Both Millicent and Elizabeth loved Nathan with a vengeance.
Millicent also knew that Elizabeth was still in love with Nathan.
But for some strange reason, Elizabeth wasn't so sure that Millicent wasn't also in love with him. Or that Nathan wasn't unknowingly in love with Millicent.
Was this more of Elizabeth's paranoia, or were they just that connected?
Millicent hadn't said a word to imply that, in fact, it was quite the opposite.
She was offering her full support to Elizabeth, and Elizabeth knew it was heartfelt and genuine!
The very thought shamed Elizabeth. For truthfully, Millicent had more of a right to love him than she did.
Here was a Woman doing her best to selflessly helping both her Best Friend and the Woman who had betrayed him!
Elizabeth now saw her own self for what she had been: hateful, hypocritical, self-centered, selfish, spiteful, uncaring. And she hated herself for what she had become and done.
How could she have done this to the Man she loved more than life itself? A man who was a Prince among Men. A man who was perfect in every way.
And it was in that darkest of dark realizations that Elizabeth finally realized she had lost Nathan.
