A/N: This is a PAST AU fic. It's set in a what-if reality. Expect some changes to canon. Normal disclaimer.

Story image by Christoph Van Daele - check out his work at:

vandaelechristophfotografie weebly com/contactpagina (dots on the spaces)

Thanks to Julie, my amazingly sweet and supportive Beta. I never imagined writing this fic, but she encouraged me months and months ago in a reply to one of my reviews to her awesome fic.

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A Change In Me

Prologue


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"It hurts!" I screamed out in pain.

I looked frantically around the room at the nurses and my parents. They looked at me in sympathy, but I also noticed that flicker of pity that I had seen on countless faces over the last several months. I hated that look. I knew what I had done. And I knew that I was going to have to work my butt off to prove that I was more than a statistic. But most of all, I hated that my parents had to share my shame.

"I thought the medicine would help," I cried to my mom.

"It will, sweetie. Just give it time. It's only been a couple minutes."

The older nurse almost rolled her eyes at me before leaving the room.

I glared at her. "I don't like her. Does she have to be here?"

My dad huffed. "I agree."

Mom and Nurse Smiller turned quickly to him, surprise on their faces.

I smiled at Dad and felt the slightest bit of relief.

He crossed his arms, frowning. "She's got enough to deal with." He nodded towards me. "We don't need some judgmental old bitty making things worse."

Nurse Smiller suppressed a grin and winked at me. "I'll go deal with her. Stephanie, it looks like we're getting closer. But you can still have visitors if you want."

"Thank you," I said softly. I grimaced once more in pain, but it was definitely better than it had been. "Can you send my grandparents back in?"

"No problem." She smiled brightly and left the room.

I looked over at my parents. I could see that they were also coming to terms with the huge change that day would bring. I was their baby, and I was having a baby. I felt like I was starring in my own after-school special: Stephanie Plum, seventeen and pregnant.

I lived in a neighborhood most commonly referred to as the Burg in Trenton, New Jersey. I was just starting my senior year at Trenton Central High School, and so far I made pretty good grades. Of course, having a baby with me this year would probably make that a little more difficult. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I knew that my parents were pushing me to make better choices. I wanted to make them proud of me, probably more than anything else. If I hadn't learned anything over the last seven months, I learned that I never again wanted to disappoint my parents like I had by getting pregnant. They were typical Burg parents: strict, nosy, and raising my older sister and me in the Catholic Church. My mother was basically Betty Crocker personified. My dad was quiet and almost withdrawn. But he had his moments. I knew he loved us. And a few times, I had the horrific luck of catching my parents enjoying some afternoon delight. As much as that made me want to hurl, it also made me happy for them. And somewhere deep inside, I longed to someday have what they had. Not that I thought I would ever find that now.

And my place in the family, as the "strong-willed" child, was now permanently etched in stone. I was probably every Burg mother's example of why good girls should do as they're told. And of course, my sister was the saint in the family. Even in the Burg she was considered the perfect daughter. She recently entered her sophomore year at Thomas Edison State College where she was studying interior design. She was engaged already to some genius computer guy who just bought her a new car, which worked out pretty good for me since my parents were giving me her old car. I often felt like a total failure in comparison.

But I never really failed until last winter.

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Five hours after my father had the "old bitty" replaced, I was holding the most beautiful little baby I had ever seen.

"Oh my goodness," I whispered to myself in awe of the tiny miracle in my arms.

I cradled her close to me and stroked her head of almost black hair. She had his hair. I could even see him in the shape of her nose. Briefly, I wondered where he was. Would he have been there if he knew? When I let myself really fantasize, I always pictured us together, raising our baby. But the reality was that I didn't tell him on purpose. I didn't want him to come back only to hurt me again. Maybe when I was completely over him, I would be ready to send him a letter or something. A part of me thought I would never really stop loving him, especially as I gazed at our amazing little girl. I had been doing such a good job of letting him go – even if it had been almost nine months since I had seen him. Once more, I pushed all thoughts of Joe Morelli out of mind.

Her dark blue eyes locked onto mine as I spoke softly to her. "Hi, little bug. I'm the one you've been kicking so much."

My mom came back into the room with my dad. "Oh, Stephanie! She's simply perfect," she gushed as she sat back down next to me on the hospital bed.

I had been surprised that I wanted Mom with me, but in the end, she was the only one I wanted to stay in the room once it was time to deliver.

Dad walked around to stand on the other side and leaned down to kiss my head. "I love you. I know this isn't how we envisioned becoming grandparents, but we're going to make this work, Stephanie. We, as a family, are going to help you. This is not going to ruin your life." I frowned at that and his expression softened. "I mean that you are not going to ruin your life. It's going to be tough, but you can do it." He reached out and traced a finger down the baby's cheek. "Can I hold my granddaughter now?"

I nodded quickly, feeling a tear fall down my cheek. I slowly handed her over to him. Mom leaned into me, draping her arm around my shoulder and tilting her head against mine as we watched Dad. He held her up to his face and smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen from him.

Mom sighed. "I love that look. I remember seeing it when he held you and your sister for the first time."

Dad turned to us. "So are you going to name this angel?"

I laughed at that as I realized that Valerie may have finally been replaced. "Sophia Grace."

"Oh, that's so pretty, Stephanie. Why didn't you tell us before?" Mom asked.

I tilted my head to look at her. "Seriously? You say it's pretty now because it's too late for you to change it."

She sputtered, but Dad laughed out loud. "You know she's right, Helen."

"Fine." She shook her head, but then she hugged me again.

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The next hour was a whirlwind of activity as my family members paraded through the room. I felt a little like the special exhibit at the zoo. But it was still pretty cool to watch my grandparents greet their first great-grandchild.

"Oh, Stephanie, she's so beautiful," my Grandpa Mazur murmured against my head as he watched Grandma holding Sophia.

"Thanks, Grandpa."

"You ready for this?" he asked quietly. "It's quite the adventure."

I smiled. "Adventure?"

He nodded. "At times it will feel like punishment, but they're worth it."

Grandma handed Sophia to him and I watched him nuzzle against her and whisper into her ear. Sophia just stared wide-eyed at him, looking like she understood every word he was saying.

"Don't let your mom tell you how to do everything," Grandma warned me. "This is your baby. Not hers. You need to be in charge."

I laughed nervously. At this point, I was kind of hoping Mom would be in charge. "Sure, Grandma."

"Stephanie, do you really want," she looked across the room at my sister and then leaned closer to me, "another Valerie?"

I busted out laughing. "Oh my goodness! I hadn't thought of that."

She chuckled. "It's not that I don't love your sister, but …" She sighed. "That girl needs to loosen up. Even your mother is more fun."

We both looked over to Mom and Valerie and burst into another round of laughter. Val looked over at me and frowned. Mary Lou was also sitting with my mom and sister, and she came over and took the baby from my grandparents.

"I can't believe she was in you," she said in wonder.

I blushed. "I wouldn't either if she hadn't been kicking me so much."

"You doing okay?" She tilted her head. "Like … you freaking out yet?"

I glared at her. "Not yet. I don't think it's sunk in yet." I reached up and stroked a finger down Sophia's cheek. "I'm a mother, Mare. A mother." I shook my head. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Steph, you may not be the most …" She pushed her lips to one side, deep in thought. "The most disciplined person I have known, but you are definitely one of the most stubborn. And if you want to be the best mom ever, then you will be."

I blinked back a few tears. "You think so?"

"Sure! And you have like a ton of people who want you to succeed. Look at Roberta Parker. Her mom and dad kicked her out when she got pregnant."

I sighed. "Yeah. You're right. And I kind of want to prove them all wrong. Everyone thinks I'm going to end up on welfare and with ten more babies."

Her eyes widened at the thought of more babies. "Exactly. And since you don't have to worry about her father, you can do this however you want."

I gave her a tight smile, masking any fears of Joe coming back into my – our lives. "Yeah."

Valerie and Steven made their way over next, and it was all I could do to keep smiling as Valerie proceeded to tell me how hard my life was going to be. I was almost relieved when Sophia started to fuss and Nurse Smiller gently urged them all to leave.

Then I realized why Sophia was crying and that I had to finally decide if I wanted to try nursing.

"You know, Stephanie, it's really fine whichever way you choose," Nurse Smiller smiled as she tidied up the room.

I looked down at Sophia, her little face bunched up as she cried. "I want to do it," I said softly. Then louder, "I want to try to feed her. It's what she needs."

Nurse Smiller crossed over to me. "Okay. You can always change your mind. It won't hurt her to switch to formula if you don't want to keep nursing her."

Nurse Smiller patiently showed me how to get Sophia to latch on, and she stayed with me as I watched in wonder, and in pain, as my baby started to take my milk. If the word 'mother' hadn't meant anything before, it suddenly hit me with extreme clarity as I nourished my child. I swallowed back some tears as my emotions started to overwhelm me. How was I ever going to do this?

I looked up at Nurse Smiller, who was watching me closely. I tried to look calm, even though I was a little freaked out. Wincing at another twinge of pain, I gazed down at Sophia's little puckered lips. "Will it always hurt?"

"No. It gets better."

"It's kind of unreal," I said softly. I looked up at her and shook my head in bewilderment.

"Stephanie," she said seriously. "Not many young mothers even try to breastfeed. I think that you're willingness to do what is best for your baby is such a good sign that you are going to be a really good mother."

"But I thought you said formula was just as good."

"It is … as good." She smirked with a tilt of her head. "But my point is that you are putting her needs first. And you have handled yourself really well since you have been here."

"Thank you," I muttered.

"I want you to believe in yourself. It's not going to be easy, but I know you can do this."

I blinked at her. "I'm so scared. But I love her so much already. I want her to have the best life."

She smiled warmly. "And you having a good life is what is going to help her have one too."

"That's what my dad says."

"He's right. So, do you know what you're going to do after high school?"

"I have no idea." I looked back down at Sophia. She was starting to squirm.

"Let's switch her," Nurse Smiller offered.

She let me try to do it on my own, and after some fussing on Sophia's part and some frustrated growls on mine, we were back in business.

"Have you considered nursing?"

I looked at her in confusion. "Aren't I doing that?"

She laughed. "No, I meant as in a profession."

"Oh." I blushed. "Like you?"

"Sure." She wrote a few things down on my chart. "I … I've been where you're at, Stephanie."

"You had a baby in high school?"

She shrugged. "Sophomore year of college. I wanted to be a doctor. But my son kind of interrupted those plans. I decided I could still be in medicine without missing out on my son's entire childhood."

"How old is he now?"

"Fifteen."

"Do I go to school with him?"

She laughed. "I think you probably do. He's just a freshman. You probably don't know him. His name is Jack Hunt."

"No, I don't." I glanced at her wedding rings. "You got married to someone else?"

"Yes. It took me a while to find a good one, but I did. And Jack's had a great step-father and a when-he's-around, pretty good father."

"I never told the father," I admitted. Once again, I wondered what he would do if he knew. Would he have been sitting here next to us, falling in love with his baby girl? I always felt guilty when I considered that he was missing out on the good stuff too. Mostly I focused on how alone I felt because of him.

"Your mother said he drugged you at some party." She smiled at me, like she didn't believe that story.

"She would." I rolled my eyes. "I hope I can meet someone some day too. But I'm okay right now with it just being the two of us."

"You're lucky to have such supportive parents. Use them while you can. Get your education so you can make a good life. It really is possible. I'm proof." She crossed over and stood close to me. "And you can call me Anna. Keep in touch, Stephanie. My shift is done so I might not see you again. But don't be embarrassed about contacting me if you just need someone to talk to. It's nice to have someone to talk to who can actually relate to what you are going through."

"Thank you, Anna. I will."

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Once I was alone with Sophia, I allowed myself to cry. I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for my daughter. But I was also terrified about what lay ahead for us. And as much as I didn't want to, I couldn't stop thinking about Joe. At that moment, I hated him. I hated him for not being there with me. I hated him for using me the way he did. I hated him for leaving without even saying goodbye. But mostly, I hated him for having forgotten about me. In nine months, I had not heard one word from him. He was out seeing the world while I was feeling his baby grow inside of me. He was making new memories while I was crying myself to sleep trying to forget him. He had left me behind without looking back while I still tried in vain to stop loving him.

I looked down at Sophia's perfect little face and kissed her forehead. Even if he never loved me, he gave me this wonderful gift. And I knew it was time to let him go. All the love I felt for him now belonged to her.

I closed my eyes, and I allowed myself one more time to remember how it all began. How I fell in love with the most beautiful boy from the Burg.

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