A/N: Thank you, Julie. So so much. You make this process so much more fun.

Thank you to all the readers and reviewers. Love love love reading your thoughts.

This chapter is a bit short. Sorry about that, but it ended where it needed to.

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A Change In Me

Chapter Six


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Before I knew it, it was the end of August and we were planning Sophia's fourth birthday. Dickie and I were really hitting it off. He was such an adult, but I felt like he indulged me being young. He gave me the security to act carefree, something I hadn't realized that I missed. He also was very generous. He showered me with gifts, fancy dinners, and evenings at the theatre or symphony. I never knew that I could enjoy the performing arts, but Dickie encouraged me to try new things. And the entire time, he never pressured me to become more physical with him. Not that we hadn't been getting more comfortable with that part of our relationship. I was feeling more and more convinced that a life with Dickie could actually be a really great thing for Sophia and me. Dickie even sent little gifts to Sophia through me since I still hadn't let him around her again. And he never complained about that either.

We did have some serious discussions about the future. Dickie wanted to know if I was going to want more children. I hadn't really considered the possibility – much like marriage, it was something that I had given up on. And seeing Valerie go through a pregnancy with a doting husband made me long to have the same experience. And the truth is that I adored my child. I wouldn't undo one second of the last four and a half years if it meant I couldn't have her. Not one college experience would ever compare to seeing her first steps or hearing her first word – "kay" for cake. That's my girl!

I told Dickie that I would want to have more children, and he surprised me by telling me that he would want to adopt Sophia.

I cringed the moment he said it. I had still not revealed that I knew who her father was. Dickie had heard – from my mother – that Sophia had been the result of my first encounter with alcohol. I think she also hinted that I had been drugged. Whatever helps you sleep, Mom.

"Dickie, I think I need to tell you something about Sophia," I said hesitantly.

And then I thought about how I should be telling Joe. I still hadn't done that. I had made up my mind to never tell him. But it still bothered me when I let myself think about it.

He stroked my hand. "What is it, Steph?"

"I …"

Shit! I couldn't do it. I needed to find Joe first. And where was he anyway? I hadn't seen him at all around town since I hit him with the car. Can you blame him, Stephanie?

I smiled at Dickie. "I … I think it's time you met her again." There. That's both true and made perfect sense.

He smiled broadly. "Really?"

"Yeah, maybe at her birthday. There will be a lot of people there, and you can bring her a gift. She won't remember you from before, but she knows 'Dickie' sends her surprises. She'll be thrilled to see you."

"Thank you, Stephanie. I know that this is a big deal for you."

"It is. But I think we're ready for it."

His eyes darkened as he leaned in and kissed me. "Are we ready for anything else?"

I blushed under his intense gaze. "Yeah. I think we're ready for that too."

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I spent the night with Dickie the following Friday. It was so scary to actually plan being with him. None of my other sexual encounters were planned. And two of them involved alcohol. And Joe, well, he was his own brand of intoxicating. Dickie was very sweet all through the dinner he prepared. I had been to his house a few times already, and I enjoyed being able to have a relatively quiet and non-crowded dinner in his dining room.

I purposely chose to refrain from more than one glass of wine. I didn't want to dull any of my senses. I also found myself picking at my food. I just couldn't relax. Dickie seemed to pick up on my nervousness.

"You know I think you are beautiful. You have nothing to worry about, Stephanie."

I smiled at him. "Thank you, Dickie. I just … It's been a while. I've only been with two men." This lie had been said so many times, I didn't have to think about it anymore.

"Good. I like that you've been selective. It means that much more to me that you're willing to share yourself with me." He stood from the table and reached for my hand.

I felt almost like a virgin again as he led me to his bedroom. He slowly undressed me, kissing me softly after each piece of clothing was removed. It made me feel special, like it was supposed to be. Not just some teenage crush turned into a hormonal frenzy on the floor of a bakery.

Dickie was gentle and loving throughout our time together. It was different than any of my other experiences. It may not have been as passionate as I would have liked, but he made me feel loved. And in the morning, he told me that was how he felt. He loved me. And I said it back.

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OoOoO

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Sophia's birthday party was on her actual birthday, Sunday September 5th. I was really excited to finally bring Dickie to my parents' house and let her meet him again. My parents had gone out to dinner with us a couple of times while Grandpa and Grandma Mazur watched Sophia, and we had been to Steven and Valerie's house once for dinner. This would be the first time everyone would be together.

I woke up my baby girl with kisses all over her face. "Good morning, Sophia," I sang.

"Is it my birthday?" she asked sleepily, clutching tightly to Lady.

"Yes, bug, you're four years old today."

She peaked up at me, a soft smile on her face that immediately reminded me of Joe. I did my best to keep my smile on my face. For almost four years, I had been able to keep any resemblances out of my mind. Now, I couldn't help but see him in our daughter.

"Mama, can I have cake now?"

I laughed as I leaned over and blew a raspberry on her tummy. "You can have pancakes!"

"Yay!" She suddenly was awake, and she struggled to get up. "I'm hungry now!"

I shook my head at her. "Okay, let's go downstairs and see what Grammy has for the birthday girl."

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After breakfast we all went to Mass. I had stopped going to Sunday morning Mass when I had Sophia. Mostly it was because it was hard to get everything ready in the mornings to take her out. But a part of me was very aware that the Morellis all attended Sunday morning Mass. I had considered changing parishes, but I was afraid that would cause too many questions – mostly from my parents. I was surprised how much my religion meant to me over the years. I had always been a good Catholic girl for the most part, but Father O'Riley took a special interest in me when I was pregnant and really encouraged me to stay in school and not give up on myself. He was yet one more reason to stay at St. Joachim's. Eventually, my parents even started attending Saturday Mass with us. I think they just wanted to make sure I was going, but they also wanted to worship together. Val and Steven attended a different church on the other side of town, close to where they lived.

We had foregone our normal Saturday Mass the day before because Mom and Dad got us tickets to an ice show for Sophia's birthday. I was surprised that my dad went with us; I had expected him to stay home. But he held Sophia most of the night, and I could see the joy he got out of watching her be captivated by all the lights and the amazing skaters. It was a wonderful evening.

So there we were, arriving with Grandpa and Grandma Mazur on Sunday morning at the front of the large cathedral. I had allowed Sophia to wear one of her birthday presents – a new soft yellow, ruffled dress. Her curls were styled back from her face with matching yellow ribbons. She looked like a little Belle from "Beauty and the Beast". She had squealed in delight when she opened it. And then she twirled in front of the mirror until we were almost late getting out the door.

We made our way down the aisle to where Grandpa and Grandma Mazur always sat. I noticed the Morellis, taking up several pews on our left as we headed in. I immediately scanned them for Joe, but I didn't see him. I sighed in relief and quickly made my way to my seat. I didn't want to see his mother either!

Sophia was always very well behaved at church. It was another one of her traits she inherited from Mom. They looked like copycats, sitting next to each other with their hands placed delicately in their laps. About halfway through the Gloria, I heard some shuffling behind me and turned around to see Joe hobbling on crutches towards his family. I quickly turned back around, hoping that he had not noticed me. It was all I could do to concentrate on the homily, knowing Joe was sitting just a dozen rows behind us. This was the closest he had ever been to Sophia. My heart stopped as I realized that everything could end this morning if Joe somehow recognized her as his.

As soon as Mass ended, I grabbed Sophia and headed towards the front. I told everyone that Father O'Riley would want to wish her happy birthday personally. She was eager to see Father and show him her "new favorite dress." I almost picked her up so that I could make it more quickly through the crowd of people exiting the other way, but I didn't want to lift her to eye level. It was safer if she stayed relatively hidden by her small size. I couldn't stop glancing over my shoulder, even though I knew it made me look paranoid and guilty. Well, I guess I was guilty. I was keeping a father from his child. What kind of person did that make me? But then I looked back one more time and Joe was staring right at me from his pew. I almost fell over Sophia. He was giving me the strangest expression, like he was angry and sad at the same time. Then several people stepped between us, and I shook off all the conflicting emotions that were twisting within me.

Father O'Riley ooh'd and aah'd just the right way to keep Sophia glowing with happiness. In a desperate attempt to delay our departure, I spent time lighting a votive candle, praying for Joe to not find us. Would God even answer a selfish prayer like that? Then we stopped and talked to several people we didn't really need to talk to. Once I could see that the Morellis were gone, I picked Sophia up and quickly headed out the church, shooting straight to the parking lot where my parents were waiting. I don't think I relaxed until we were back at home.

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The birthday party was a huge success. Sophia was thrilled with her Beauty and the Beast theme. (See, I could plan ahead.) She was already dressed the part, and I used the camcorder to record her reaction to this. She actually started crying in joy when she realized that she looked like Belle. I had to hold her for a few minutes and remind her that Belle was a strong girl who didn't cry at parties. Somehow that worked.

Dickie arrived with a large box, wrapped in bright pink paper. I had given him some suggestions on what to get her, but I was excited to see what he had gone with. He crossed through the room, coming straight to me, and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. I blushed but I pulled him to me and kissed him briefly on the lips. Of course, I knew Sophia was out back already. I wouldn't have done that with her in the room. Val smiled broadly at us and showed Dickie where to put his gift.

Big Red came in from the kitchen carrying the birthday cake and stopped abruptly as she pointedly looked at Dickie's hand, which was resting on the small of my back. She gaped at me and then took her time looking Dickie up and down.

"Well then," she exclaimed loudly. "You'll have to excuse my blatant display of shock. On my honor, I swear I must have forgotten completely about you tellin' me that you met someone," Big Red said with mock sincerity. She placed the cake on the table next to Mom's pie. (In case the adults preferred something else, my mother had explained.)

"Big Red, I would like you to meet Dickie Orr." I rolled my eyes at her.

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sure I'm at a disadvantage since Stephanie has not kept me informed of the news of her life." She smiled sweetly.

Dickie smiled good-naturedly. "The pleasure is all mine. And you may be right. Stephanie has told me all about the lovely and talented woman who helped her make her way through school."

"Oh, shush!" she simpered without a trace of actual humility.

"He thinks you're Anna," I said with a wicked gleam. "This is Loretta Cud, my former boss at the Tasty Pastry." I held in a giggle as she shot daggers at me.

"Hm," she squeaked out with a lift of her jaw.

For some reason, the two ladies who had helped me both emotionally and financially over the last few years did not like each other. I think Big Red resented Anna taking me from her more than any actual personal objections she had to my mentor. And Anna just didn't appreciate being disliked. It was probably a good thing she had to work today.

"I'm sorry." I crossed to her and hugged her until she relaxed. "It's just been … a lot has been going on."

"It's been weeks since you've come to see me, Stephanie, but I'll forgive you if this is why you've been absent." She once more looked Dickie over with approval.

I had been avoiding the Tasty Pastry as much as possible since I hit Joe with the car. It was as if I had lost my ability to suppress my memories of him there. I had even taken Sophia to see Big Red at her home instead of taking her to the shop, which earned me a very cranky child, upset that she wouldn't be getting to pick her treat from the display case.

"I'm afraid I have been monopolizing her time," Dickie inserted. "Don't hold it against her."

"Psshh. Stephanie will be having lunch with me in the next few days to make up for it."

Big Red made some small talk with us for a few moments. I wasn't sure what she thought of Dickie. She pretty much ogled every decent looking man that ever walked into the bakery. But I knew I would be getting an earful at our lunch, only after a severe grilling of course.

Mom warned me that it would be time to eat soon, so I called for Sophia to come in. She pouted about it until I told her that she got to meet a new friend. She came barreling into the kitchen, stopping, wide-eyed as she looked up at Dickie.

"Who are you?" she asked, a curious smile on her face.

"My name is Dickie, and I'm a really good friend of your mommy's."

She looked at me like that was the strangest thing she had ever heard. I rolled my eyes at her and crouched down to her level. "Mommy and Dickie are special friends, and I really want you to get to know him because you're my most important person." I smiled, hoping that the praise would smooth over any doubts she had.

She eyed him with her mouth twisted. "You sent me gifts!"

He laughed and crouched down next to me. "I sure did. And I brought you a special birthday gift too."

She bit her lip and gave him a goofy smile. She started twirling one of her curls around her finger and swaying back and forth, swishing her dress. I repressed a laugh. She was actually flirting with him.

Dickie shared a quick, amused grin with me. "I also wanted to ask you if it was okay that I sometimes hold your mommy's hand?"

She frowned suddenly. "Will you hold mine too?"

We both let out a breath of relief. "Of course," he answered. "And can I give your mommy kisses too?"

She smiled mischievously. "Me first."

Who was I raising?

He leaned forward and pecked her cheek. Then he took my hand and kissed me on the cheek. "Okay?"

She nodded. "Okay." She looked at me. "Can I go play now?"

"Yes," I answered happily, glad to have their meeting over and done.

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It wasn't until it was time to blow out the candles that my reality came crashing back down. Sophia had been exceptionally well behaved for it being such a big day. She often became overwhelmed when there was too much going on. I sometimes wondered how long it would be before she started helping Mom with the ironing. She loved the Beauty and the Beast tea set that Dickie got her, and she even remembered that the gift from Grammy and Grampy was the show the night before. And since she loved cake, I was pretty sure that it would be smooth sailing until everyone left. Boy was I wrong.

I carried in the lit cake and placed it in front of Sophia. I glanced up at Dickie and smiled. This was nice. This could maybe someday happen in our house. I turned my eyes down as I realized that I was starting to sound like my mother, even if it was just in my head. Sophia beamed at the cake and then grabbed my hand.

"Mommy, do I still need to make a wish?"

"Of course, bug. You have to make a wish."

She scrunched up her nose. "But I got my wish."

I stroked her cheek. "Then you get to make another one."

"I do?"

"Yep. Now close your eyes and blow out your candles."

Everyone started to sing the birthday song to her, but Sophia frowned at the cake. "Mommy," she said so quietly I almost didn't hear her over the singing.

I leaned over to hear her better. "What, bug?"

"I'm scared I'll lose my wish."

"Which one? The one you already got?"

"Uh-huh. I don't want him to go." She sighed heavily.

Oh boy. I looked up at everyone as they finished the song. The other kids were starting to get restless in their excitement for cake. "Sophia, just blow out the candle and then you can tell Mommy about your wishes."

"Will I still get both?"

My goodness. "Maybe, if you're really good."

Her little face crumpled up. "I'm not going to!"

I leaned over and whispered, "I'll get you another wish candle if you blow this one out."

She crossed her arms, and I gave her a lifted brow. She leaned forward, quickly and angrily blowing out the big number-four candle on her cake. She hopped off her seat and ran upstairs, slamming the bedroom door.

I shook my head at Mom who was on her way to check on her, and then I shrugged to Dickie. I guess it wouldn't hurt for him to see up front that she wasn't always sunshine and giggles.

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I slowly opened the door to our room. She was lying on my bed with her face buried in my pillows, crying.

"Sophia, will you tell me about your wishes now?"

She rolled over and held her arms up to me. I crawled into bed next to her and held her.

"Is Dickie my daddy?"

Uh …. Crap! "No, baby, he's not your daddy. But he really wants to get to know you and be your friend."

She whimpered and then buried her face in my chest. "I thought he was my wish. Sara says everybody has a daddy. But I don't."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. "What was your other wish?"

"A puppy."

I sighed. Of course. Neither of these things could I give her. I felt a twinge of guilt. That wasn't really true. Joe was back. But instead I focused on the second wish. "Bug, you know we will get a puppy as soon as we move out, okay?"

She sobbed louder. "I want my daddy!"

I wrapped her more tightly into my arms and rocked her. I felt like she had just stabbed me in the heart. That was the last thing I expected to hear from her. I blinked back my tears as I continued to rock her.

"You said you'd find me a daddy," she cried, muffled into my chest.

I could feel her tears leaking onto my skin though the top of my blouse. "Oh, bug, I know."

"I want him! I want my daddy!"

I cried with her for several minutes, unsure of what to say to her. She was my heart. And I wouldn't let Joe hurt her the way he had hurt me.

Grandma Mazur came into the room after we had both almost fallen asleep from our crying spell.

"I saved you the best piece of cake, Sophia."

She wiped her eyes and sat up. "You did?" she asked with only a hint of her normal excitement.

I sat up and shifted her into my lap. "Let's go eat some cake, bug." I wasn't about to bring up the whole daddy topic again.

Surprisingly, she agreed and we made our way back downstairs. Not surprisingly, she wanted her papa to hold her while she ate.

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Dickie was still there, and I was glad to see him.

"I'm sorry I left you all alone down here," I said softly to him.

He wrapped me in a warm embrace and just held me for a moment. "You're her mother. You needed to go to her. What was she upset about?"

"She's been learning that everyone has a daddy. And she hoped you were her new daddy." I cringed as I looked up at him. I couldn't believe I just said that.

He smiled. "Maybe I will be."

I relaxed into his arms. "Maybe."

He turned us away from everyone and leaned down and kissed me. "I love you, Stephanie. You know I want to make this work."

"I know. I love you too."

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But I also knew that I couldn't pretend anymore that Joe was never going to be a factor. Seeing him that morning brought home the point that he could take just one look at her and figure it out. I had always worked really hard to keep Mrs. Morelli from getting too close, but she had no idea Joe and I had ever even talked. Once Joe knew I had a child that was her age, he would have to at least wonder. I needed to go to him. The only problem was that I didn't know what I wanted from him.

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Thank you so much for reading. Please review! Please!

St. Joachim's is real. Father O'Riley is not.