A/N:Hello again!
I've tried to reply to the reviews. Thank you so much for those who are still out there. I think I lost a lot of readers with my insanely long absence. I get it, but it does kind of suck that this story used to be more popular. Cupcakes, are you still out there? :)
Also, this chapter makes me a bit nervous. So, things are a bit sticky here, and I hope I did the topic justice.
Julie - I miss working with you! Thanks for all the love and support on this fic!
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A Change In Me
Chapter Nineteen
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Joe stood at his front door, his hair disheveled from sleep. He squinted at me as he rubbed his neck.
"Steph, what are you doing here?"
"Isn't it obvious? I ran away from home." I tilted my head down to the one suitcase I had quickly thrown together.
He let out a deep breath as he leaned against the doorjamb. "And where is our daughter?"
"She's at my grandparents. Mom will keep her. I just need some time to work through things."
"Of course." He stepped forward and grabbed my suitcase. "You want my room? The bed will be more comfortable."
"No. No, I don't want your stupid room. I want Sophia's room. Why would I sleep in your bed?" I stormed past him and stomped up the stairs.
"I was just offering."
"Just give me my bag and leave me –" I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked up. The tears were streaking down my face and I didn't care to stop them. I had hoped to get behind the bedroom door before it all broke loose.
Joe gently stepped past me and led me to Sophia's small bed. "Are you sure?" He pointed to her bed.
"Joe!"
"Okay," he said simply. "I'm going to go back to bed. If you need anything, just –"
"Just what?" I wiped at my face. "Just call and you'll come running?"
"Well…yeah." He gave me a sheepish grin.
"Just leave me alone." I crawled into her bed and rolled towards the wall. I didn't care if I ever got up again.
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The next morning, Joe brought me breakfast in bed. It was oatmeal and some fruit. I screamed at him again for not giving me space, but he ignored me and sat the tray on the end of the bed. When he left without saying a word, I decided to go ahead and eat some food. I hadn't had much of an appetite the night before so I was actually pretty hungry.
Joe came back in with a cool washcloth and an ice pack. "Your eyes are puffy. I thought maybe you'd want to use this." He stepped two feet in the room when I threw the fruit at him.
"Get out!"
I had no idea why I was screaming and acting like an out-of-control toddler, but I couldn't seem to control myself. And it was strangely cathartic to watch the fruit hit him in the face. I was kind of surprised he didn't duck, but I don't think he thought I would actually do it.
Joe left me alone the rest of the day except to call me to tell me lunch was downstairs if I wanted it. I hung up on him. But I also chuckled softly into the pillow that he had actually called me from his phone within the same house. I didn't eat any lunch, and he didn't bother me about it. By dinner, I was prepared to apologize but Joe only knocked on my door and then told me he was leaving.
"Of course you are," I yelled at him.
I watched his shadow under the door. He stood there for a moment. I thought I heard him bump the door. It could have been his hand or, I imagined, his head. I knew I was pushing his limits, but that disturbing part of me that seemed to have taken over actually wanted to see him explode.
He didn't. In fact, he called me again twenty minutes later to tell me that a pizza would be delivered to the house and that he would be home in the morning. He was working.
It would have been nice of me to thank him. Instead, I told him to not wake me up again in the morning, that I would keep the pizza in Sophia's room.
I couldn't even eat a whole slice of pizza. A first for me. My appetite just didn't exist. That was another strange thing. I knew people could lose their appetites when under stress or grieving, I just never had come close to feeling that way. I had always figured that I would be the other kind of person. The one who ate their way through life's obstacles. I had been that way so far. It was only because of Mom's strict diet that I didn't gain a hundred pounds during my pregnancy.
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At seven in the morning, I woke myself up screaming. I couldn't recall waking up like that since I was very young. Somehow those scary childhood dreams paled in comparison to the actual nightmare I kept reliving in my sleep. Sitting in the bed, I stared blankly across the room. I wasn't sure if Joe was home yet. A part of me hoped he would come in and hold me. When he didn't show up, I started crying. I pulled the blankets up to my face and tried to muffle my sobs, just in case I would wake up Joe.
Suddenly, the door creaked open a small amount. It was enough of a jolt to stop my cries. I peered over the blanket, waiting for the door to stop moving.
Joe leaned into the room, a sad look on his face.
"I'm sorry if I woke you up," I choked out.
"I wasn't asleep yet." He slowly stepped into the room. "Can I … Will you let me do something?"
I wiped at my face and took a deep breath. I could feel the ugly crazy part of me wanting to get out and attack him again, but I tried to squash it down. Looking down at my hands, I asked, "What?"
He didn't answer me at first so I finally looked up at him.
It must have been all he needed to know since he crossed the room quickly and shoved me over. He lay down and then pulled me to his chest. Lying on his warm body was awkward at first but his steady breathing started to soothe me. When I woke up, he was gone. The truth was that I was grateful for Joe's help, but I also still wanted to attack him pretty much every time I spoke to him. It was probably a good thing he hadn't stayed. Well, he never had. Why would he start now?
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For the next two days, I didn't do anything but lay in Sophia's bed and cry. Joe tried a couple of times to get me to come downstairs or at least shower, but I threw several items at him – including the mostly uneaten pizza - and basically acted like a raving lunatic as I screamed at him. He took it all in stride, but it kind of freaked me out. It was like I was watching myself doing and saying these horrible things, but I could do nothing to stop it.
One thing Joe was able to get me to consider was my job. He actually held his hands up as he stood across the room, telling me that I would need to call the hospital. Instead of screaming at him, I simply turned away and grabbed my phone. I took some emergency family medical leave from work. Thankfully Anna was able to submit it for me. She cried with me on the phone when I told her what was happening. My mom and Mary Lou came by to bring me food, but they didn't know what to do for me. Sophia was getting more and more confused why she couldn't visit her daddy. I had told her I was away on a special trip with Dickie over the phone. I called her every night, but I hadn't actually seen my little girl since the morning I had found Dickie with Joyce.
When Joe suggested that Sophia come over and we both tell her what was happening, I agreed. But I simply waited until he left to pick her up from his mother's house before taking off to Mary Lou's. I refused to answer his phone calls, but I called Mom to tell her where I was in case of an emergency. And I did agree to come home the next day when Mom threatened to come and get me.
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oOo
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By the time I made it home, I smelled pretty horrible. Mary Lou hadn't been able to get me to shower either. When I walked into the house, expecting an angry mother, I was met with my grandparents.
"Sweetheart," Grandpa said and held his arms open.
I practically crumbled to the floor, but both of them surrounded me with their arms and love.
"I never did like him that much," Grandma said. "He has those shifty eyes. Like he's always picturing you doing dirty things. I think he liked looking at my boobs."
Grandpa shared a grin with me but kept stroking my matted hair.
"You get your perky boobs from me, you know?" she continued.
"Grandma! You need to …" I looked up at her, and instead of seeing her mischievous smile, I found a sympathetic one. "Thanks."
"Your mother went to get Sophia from Angie Morelli," Grandpa reminded me. "You should go get cleaned up."
"Okay," I agreed, and I actually did want to wash away the last few days. It was time for me to face the future.
The shower helped, but the pregnancy test I found under my pillow did not. I heard my mother come in with Sophia, but I wasn't ready. I lay in my bed, facing the wall. I couldn't stop crying, and then I would think it was because my hormones were probably off since I was probably pregnant. Then I would cry even louder. I barely heard the knock on my door.
"Stephanie, I can't keep Sophia downstairs any longer," my mother said sadly. "She knows you're upset. She's getting more and more scared the longer I keep her away from you. You need to talk to her."
I turned my head to her and was about to tell her I wasn't ready when Sophia practically knocked Mom over as she ran into our room. She jumped up on the bed and clung to me like she hadn't seen me in weeks. Hearing her cry into my shoulder was the first thing that had made me stop crying.
I slowly shifted her to my front as I sat up. "Shh. Sophia, it's okay. Mommy has had a really sad day, but I'm okay."
"Why're you crying?" she sobbed into my neck.
"Because …." I looked up at my mom, not knowing what to say.
Mom crossed over and sat next to us on my bed. She reached out and stroked my curls from my forehead. "Go on, sweetie. Tell her a little."
I pulled back from Sophia so she could see my face.
"Mommy! Your eyes are red!" she said with so much concern, I almost broke down again.
"I know. I probably look really scary, don't I?"
She scowled at me, not finding any humor in my lame attempt at a joke.
"Okay. Well, bug. … Dickie did something really bad and …"
"Is he in trouble?"
"Uh, kind of," I said with a hiccup. I looked at Mom, who nodded at me encouragingly. "He hurt Mommy so much. My heart hurts, Sophia. That's why I was crying. And I'm not going to marry him any more. I can't after he was so bad. Do you understand?"
She frowned at me, deep in thought. "I'm sorry, Mommy."
"Oh, my little love bug, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am so sorry I scared you."
She hugged me to her for a moment. "Is he still my DD?"
"No." I stroked her cheek with my finger. "He doesn't get to be your DD either."
She sat still, so still that I leaned down to better see her downcast eyes. Suddenly, she jumped from my lap. "Why not?" she screamed at me.
"Sophia," Mom said gently. "Dickie did a terrible thing and now he has to go away. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to people."
"No!" she yelled and stomped her foot. "He's my Daddy Dickie!"
"No, he's not," I said sternly. "He's not your daddy anything ever again!"
She ran to my nightstand and grabbed my phone. I started to pull it from her when she started shrieking. "Give it to me! I want my daddy!" The phone went flying to the floor.
"He's not your daddy, Sophia!" I yelled, losing what little bit of control I had. "He's gone. He's not coming back!"
"NO!" she screamed over and over. "NO! NO! NO!" Her whole body shook with her cries. Her eyes clenched while tears streamed down her bright red cheeks. I reached out for her, and she flung herself onto the floor sobbing into her little hands. I felt like I had just had my shredded heart pounded into the ground.
Mom jumped from my bed and pulled Sophia into her arms, rocking her back and forth. I just sat there and cried. How could I have hurt her? She didn't understand and I had yelled at her.
"I want my daddy! Daaaaady! Daaaaady! Please, Mommy! Please," she cried out, turning her head to me. Her face was twisted in pain and her eyes were filled with tears. I sat there helpless as Sophia wailed and cried until her voice was hoarse. "He said he wasn't gonna go away ever again," she croaked.
And then I realized who she meant. Oh my God! She wanted Joe.
I grabbed the phone from the floor and punched Joe's number on speed-dial. Probably what Sophia had been trying to do. I'm such an idiot!
"Steph? You okay?" Joe answered, already worried.
"No," I sobbed. "I need you to come over."
"I'm working. I can be there in a few hours."
"Please, Joe."
And when she heard his name, Sophia started screaming again. "DADDY! Daddy! I need you, Daddy!"
"Oh my God, Stephanie. What's wrong with her?"
"I told her that I'm not marrying him."
"Give me twenty minutes." He disconnected.
I crawled over to my mother and Sophia and pulled my little girl onto my lap. My mother was silently crying, completely at a loss at what to do.
"Daddy's on his way, Sophia. He's on his way right now."
She pulled on my neck and I felt her barely nod her head. I slowly picked her up and laid her down on my bed.
Mom stood and hugged me. "I will send him up when he gets here. Just try to keep her calm." She went to the door and stopped. "She will be okay, Stephanie. Children are very resilient. I'm more worried about you."
I shrugged. "She's all that matters any more."
"Mama, hold me."
I immediately crawled into the bed and enveloped her in my arms. Sophia burrowed into me as much as she could, her hand immediately reaching inside my gown and clutching my bra strap. She was still crying softly, but her breathing slowly returned to normal and then she fell asleep. I lay there, staring at the wall, lost in my thoughts, replaying the horrific turn of events over the last twenty minutes. I felt numb. Never in a million years would I have hurt her like that on purpose. Closing my eyes, I nuzzled into her curls and breathed in her sweet scent.
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I could hear my bedroom door slowly opening, but I was half asleep and didn't want to move in order to look. I knew it was probably Joe. I could hear his footsteps crossing the small room and I could feel him standing over us. He turned away and walked over to my closet. Curiosity normally would have won by this point, but I just couldn't manage moving my head. I could hear him removing something, probably his belt, and opening and closing the closet door. And then he was crossing back to the bed. Before I could find my voice or even consider letting go of my sleeping girl, Joe lay down right behind me and pulled both of us into his arms.
He kissed my head and gently ran his hand down Sophia's back. I wanted to tell him I was awake, but that would mean moving and possibly waking Sophia. Joe's breath was brushing against my cheek in short spurts, reflecting the tension I could feel in his body pressed so close to mine.
He leaned his forehead against the back of my head. "Oh, Cupcake," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
I immediately opened my eyes, but I didn't say anything.
"Please, God. Please get her through this," he said so softly.
I had never really discussed religion with Joe. Other than growing up Catholic, I had no idea what his beliefs were. Hearing him pray over me caused my heart to open back up a little bit more. But I quickly shut down my emotions again. I could never afford to open myself up like that again. I slowly shifted to let him know I was 'waking up', and Joe loosened his hold on us.
"Joe, I need to move," I whispered.
"Okay." He rolled away from me, and I turned towards him with Sophia. He took her from me as I sat up and scooted to the wall.
I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling. "Thank you for coming. How soon do you have to go back?" Even in such a messed up state of mind, I noticed his uniform.
"Let's just say I will be doing extra paperwork all week." He smiled. "I told them it was a family emergency."
"Oh."
He waited for me to look at him again. "What happened?"
"I misunderstood her. She wanted to know if he would still be her DD, and I said no. She was upset. She started asking for her daddy. I thought she meant him." A flash of anger flickered through his eyes. "She meant you." I chuckled humorlessly. "She was asking for you, and I kept telling – no, yelling – that he wasn't her daddy. That you weren't her daddy. I didn't know. I … didn't know she meant you. She was hysterical. I've never seen her like that."
He nodded and then kissed her head. "She'll be okay, Stephanie."
"I broke her heart."
"You made a mistake."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "You should keep her for a while."
"Stephanie, I –"
"No. Just for a few days. Let me figure some things out."
"Are you sure?"
"No. I'm not sure of anything. But I can't risk hurting her again until I get myself more under control."
"Okay." He shifted so that he was sitting up against my headboard. Sophia instinctively wrapped her legs around him and nuzzled into his neck.
"Daddy," she asked softly, her voice still rough from her crying.
"Shhh, princess. I'm right here. Go back to sleep."
She clung to him tightly for a moment before her arms relaxed and her little body slumped down in sleep.
"Steph?"
I dragged my eyes up to his.
"Have you … uh, have you taken the test?"
I looked away as another wave of tears rolled down my cheeks. "No. But …"
He reached over and took my hand.
"I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant."
He squeezed my hand and then held it firmly. "You want me to be with you when you take it?"
"I don't know."
"I think you need to at least find out for sure. You're going to need to make some decisions."
I looked at him again. "Are you suggesting –"
"No. I stand by what I said before. I'm not going anywhere, Stephanie. I will be here for you however you need me to be."
"This should never have happened."
This should be our baby.
I pulled my hand from his and wrapped my arms around my middle. I had no idea where that came from. How stupid of me. Joe wasn't … he just wasn't. And I wasn't going to ever travel that road again. I was done.
"I think I'll just have Mary Lou come over. She was with me before … And you should get Sophia out of here. I will probably be a mess once it's confirmed."
"I don't want to leave you," he said softly.
"Why? You did before."
His eyes flashed in hurt and his jaw squared, but he didn't say anything.
"Joe, just go. This isn't your problem. Go."
He took a deep breath before placing Sophia gently down onto the bed. I quickly reached out and brushed her curls away from her face. Once Joe retrieved his gun and holster from the closet, he stepped back up to the bed.
"I am taking her to my mom's first, okay? And then we will be at my house for the night."
I nodded, still stroking my little girl's curls. I ached for her, for what I had done to her. It was killing me to send her away, but I knew deep down that I would need the space to get my head on straight. Joe let me kiss her forehead before he carried her away. All I could think about was how much I wanted to disappear. Without Sophia, I didn't know what I would do. But she needed to be with Joe while I dealt with … everything.
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Mary Lou came over as soon as she could, which wasn't until that evening.
"You wanna go over to the high school?" she said with a small smile.
"Yeah, sure. And then I can vomit all over Mr. Harris. Too bad the school's closed."
"Sorry."
"Let's just do this."
"Okay."
"I didn't tell Mom why you were coming over. She thinks it's your turn to baby-sit me."
"I know. They will be back by 9 so we should probably not wait too much longer."
I nodded, swallowing back my tears.
Mary Lou suggested that I call Sophia while we waited for the test. We hoped it would keep my brain occupied for at least one of those three damned minutes. It worked. Sophia told me all about having dinner with her daddy. I even smiled when she mentioned Joe helping her style her hair before they left. She whispered that it looked funny, but that he had tried.
Mary Lou came into my room with the stick in her hand. She gave me a strange look. "It's not clear."
"What do you mean?"
"Um … look. There's a plus, but it's almost not even there."
"Of course." I rolled my eyes. "It's maybe too early. I waited so long to take it with Sophia. My period was already three weeks late with her."
"How late are you now?"
"Five days."
"Okay. Maybe you should wait a few more days and take another one."
"Mare, it wouldn't even register positive at all if I didn't have elevated hCG levels."
"Well, maybe it's just the stress," she tried to reason.
"The stress is making me pregnant?"
"I don't know." She plopped down next to me. "You're taking this remarkably well."
"It's just confirmation of what I have been crying about for the last four days."
"You going to tell him?"
"Yes. I won't make that mistake again. Even though the thought of having him in my life makes me want to stab something."
"I could go find Joyce and you could stab her?"
I smiled. "Yeah, but then we would be exposed to her blood. Who knows what kind of diseases she has." I sighed heavily. "Or now I have. God, Mare, I've got to get tested."
"I'm so sorry, Steph. I hate that this is happening to you."
"Me, too."
Mary Lou hugged me to her, crying softly onto my shoulder. I patted her back, and she apologized at how reversed our roles were. We took a deep cleansing breath and just sighed together.
My phone rang, making me jump, since I forgot I had tucked it half under my thigh. I glanced quickly at the caller id, knowing there was no way I was answering Dickie's call. It was Joe.
"Hey," I answered.
"Sophia wants to say goodnight."
"Okay, put her on."
"Did you –"
"Joe, put her on."
Mary Lou stood up and motioned that she would call me tomorrow as she quietly exited the room. I nodded and smiled reassuringly at her that I was okay. I could hear Joe's voice in the background, talking sweetly to Sophia.
"Mommy?" she asked softly.
"Yes, bug. Are you ready to dream sweet dreams?"
"I wanna come home," she whispered, but I could still hear the sob in her voice.
"You're going to stay with Daddy for a few days, okay?"
"I wanna come home, Mommy," she repeated a little louder. "Please."
"Oh, Sophie. I'm sorry. I know I scared you today, but I promise I will be better in a few days."
"Is your heart still sick?"
"Yes, my heart still hurts. And I need to make it better before you come back, okay?"
She was quiet for a moment, and I could picture her lips pursed to the side as she was considering what I had said. "Will you call me when I get up?"
"I promise I will call you first thing. I love you. Say your prayers with Daddy, okay?"
"Okay. Love you, Mama."
"Love you, Sophia."
"Night."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Stephanie," Joe said with a hint of sadness.
"You can call me later if you want," I blurted out and then frowned. Why had I said that?
"Okay," he answered eagerly.
"Bye," I said as normally as I could and then disconnected the call.
I took a much-needed shower and made myself some chamomile tea. I grabbed the Time magazine from the coffee table as I headed back up the stairs. The cover story was about Elian Gonzalez and how his father was fighting for him. Probably not what I needed to read about. Looking through the index, I found an article on the downfalls of the dotcoms. I wondered if Val and Steve would be okay. No sooner had I opened it up to the article than my phone rang again.
"Hi," I said with a sigh.
"Hi," Joe replied.
We both sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Uh –"
"So I gue –"
"Sorry," Joe said quickly. "If you don't want to talk, I will let you go."
"No, it's fine." I wiped at a tear. "I'm pregnant." I could hear his quick intake of air. "I'm sorry."
"What? Why are you sorry, Stephanie? You were getting married. And … " He took another deep breath. "And I'm sure that you were regularly having sex with him. It happens. I mean … we only were together one night. Maybe you're really fertile or something. Or maybe you just missed a pill."
"Oh God, Joe! Just stop." I huffed. "I didn't miss a pill! I stopped taking them in February." I sniffed back more of my tears. "And I thought I was the one that rambled?"
He was silent.
"Joe?"
Nothing.
"Joe?" I called louder and then looked at the phone to make sure we were still connected. "Hello?"
"I'm here," he said evenly.
"I thought I lost you."
He gave a short bark of a laugh. "No, I'm still here." Another small huff. "So have you told him yet? You are telling him, aren't you?"
"No, I haven't told him. YET. Don't go there, Joe. I'm not making that mistake again. And I'm sorry because … I guess I'm sorry because Dickie – who doesn't deserve to have anything to do with me or … this baby. Dickie will get to be part of it all, and you didn't. I'm sorry."
"Why weren't you… never mind." He sighed loudly. "He wanted you to … Fuck." He mumbled a few things under his breath. "I'm sorry, Stephanie. I know this has been an awful … I'm just sorry. You have no reason to apologize. I told you before that I forgave you, and I meant what I said."
"You're mad at me."
"No, I'm mad at him."
"Me too." I laughed hollowly. "But you're also mad at me. You're mad that we were trying to get pregnant."
"It doesn't matter, Steph. I need to go. I will talk to you soon."
"Alright."
"Are you okay? Is someone there with you?"
"I'm fine," I replied, some of my own anger slipping into my tone. "I don't need a babysitter."
That night I cried myself to sleep one more time. I told myself that by the next day I would have to deal with this pregnancy and learn to accept that I was bringing another child into the world, who I would love just as fiercely as my little Bug. I kept trying to remember how long it had taken me to fall in love with Sophia. I broke down in tears once more as I realized that I had always loved Sophia because she was a part of Joe, and I had very much been in love with him. So why wasn't it working this time? Maybe it was because I hated Dickie in a way I never could bring myself to feel about Joe. Or maybe it was because I had never let myself love Dickie as deeply as I had loved Joe. Whatever it was, I still couldn't imagine loving this baby. I didn't want it. And I hated myself for ever agreeing to try to conceive it. Then I felt terribly guilty for even thinking those kinds of thoughts. It was a long, terrible night.
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oOo
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The next morning, I sat my parents down and told them that I was probably pregnant. My mom started to hint at reconciliation with Dickie, but thankfully, my dad put a quick stop to that. I could tell he was disappointed in me. Again. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be one of those people who figured things out and did things the right way. I was starting to believe that my purpose in life was to be the example to others of what not to do. That broke my heart a little for Sophia. How terrible to grow up with a loser mother. As annoying as mine was, she was always doing what she thought was best and most of the time she was successful.
I called in a favor at work and was able to set up a quick appointment for the next day in the afternoon to have my blood work run and get the official confirmation of my pregnancy. I also decided that Dickie would only find out after I had it in writing. I was tempted to just send him a copy of the paperwork. In fact, that possibility was still on the table.
Dickie called the house later that night, but I refused to speak with him. Thankfully, even though I had let him down again, my dad was pretty pissed at Dickie and took care of the call for me. I knew he wanted me to tell him, but he didn't press me about it either.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt a little nauseous and hoped it wasn't an indication of how the next few months were going to be. I also was having some cramps. It would figure that Dickie's child would be such a pain from the very beginning. By the time I arrived at the hospital, I knew something wasn't quite right. I ran to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. Even in that moment, I felt nothing but relief that maybe I was starting my period. Maybe I wasn't actually pregnant. Maybe the stress did interfere with the test.
Anna showed up to go to my appointment with me, and I was so glad she was there. I think she was the only person I would want with me. My mother had offered, but I just couldn't bear to see the sadness in her eyes any longer. I found Anna waiting in the lobby area when I came from the restroom.
"Anna," I said softly but urgently.
She crossed over to me and wrapped me in a warm embrace. "You okay? You look a little peaked."
"I think I might be starting my period," I whispered to her, barely able to keep the tears from flowing. Tears of relief.
"Oh!" She pulled back and studied me. "This is good, right?"
"Yes."
"Let's get you in there. We need to make sure everything is okay. You know that it's normal to have a light period at the beginning of your pregnancy."
"I know. I know. But I just … I think I'm …." I clenched my eyes shut and whispered, "losing it."
"Okay, Dr. Stratford is the best. Let's let her do her job before we jump to any conclusions." She gave me an encouraging smile and led me over to the receptionist.
Once Anna had explained that I might be having a miscarriage, we were rushed to the room and the doctor quickly joined us. She asked me several standard questions, and I wanted to scream at her to just do the exam. Finally, she took my blood to test for the hCG levels.
"We will need to do this test again in a few days to check the levels. If you are miscarrying, then the levels will already be dropping." She patted my arm. "I'm sorry that I can't tell you more right now."
"I know," I answered numbly. The reality was starting to set in. I felt it in my heart that I was not keeping this baby. And I felt like I deserved something terrible for having prayed for this to happen.
"I would also like to do a transvaginal ultrasound just in case we can see something. It's probably too soon, being only five weeks along, but if we find the gestational sac, then it would be an indication that you have not miscarried."
"Okay. Let's do it." I sounded so callous, and Dr. Stratford subtly lifted her brows but made no comment. I think she was starting to realize that I was not hoping for a baby.
After quickly changing into the dressing gown, I sat on the exam table with my feet in the stirrups. Already having a child had pretty much erased any embarrassment I would have normally felt. Plus, I was anxious to get this over with. I knew that even without seeing the gestational sac I would have to return for more blood work, but it would only confirm what I was starting to believe. I was not pregnant. Not any more.
"Stephanie, I am not seeing anything. Like I said, it may be too soon, but with your bleeding and low levels of hCG, I think you may have experienced a chemical pregnancy."
"A chemical pregnancy?"
"It means that you did conceive, but for whatever reason, your body did not consider it a viable pregnancy. They are more common than most women realize. Again, we will have you come back in a few days to make sure. It is still too soon to really call this a miscarriage, but I want you to be prepared for that outcome."
I nodded at her, but my eyes were focused on the charts on the wall. I felt Anna's gentle squeeze on my shoulder, but I didn't know what to say.
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I avoided everyone for the next few days. I didn't tell anyone what was going on, it would be so much harder to have to maybe find out I was pregnant after all. Or not. I tried not to think about it. Going back to work helped a lot with keeping my mind off of things. I was still having a light period, and I felt more convinced that I was having a miscarriage. But maybe I wasn't. I was having a really hard time thinking about the pregnancy. I didn't know what to do about it. Part of me wanted to keep hoping for the miscarriage, but another part felt terrible for wishing that tiny life to end. Joe called me every night to let Sophia talk to me, and I could tell he was desperate to know how I was doing.
The night before my follow-up visit with Dr. Stratford, I went to visit Sophia at Joe's, but I didn't stay longer than twenty minutes. Any more time and both Sophia and I would have never wanted to say goodbye.
My sweet girl kissed my chest several times while I was holding her. "What are you doing, bug?"
"I'm kissing your owie to make it better," she explained. "Is it better now?"
"My heart?" I asked, realizing what she had been trying to do.
"Uh-huh. Maybe you need your mommy to kiss it. You should ask Grammy."
I smiled at her, snuggling my face into her curls. "I think your kisses are working just fine."
"Good." She kissed my chest once more. "I miss you, Mommy."
"I miss you too, Sophia. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and then I am going to come and get you, okay?"
"Really?"
"Yep." I kissed her cheeks and then let her down from my lap.
"Is everything okay, Stephanie?" Joe asked, concern etched across his face.
"I think so."
He nodded with a tight-lipped smile. "You know that I'm –"
"I know. I will talk to you soon. But I need to get going."
As I drove back home, I kept replaying the look on Joe's face. I could see how much he wanted to comfort me. How much he cared. But I just couldn't go there with him. It made me feel so … let down. I felt like when you play a trick on someone that turns bad and you only end up hurting them. Except that I think the trick was on me.
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Dr. Stratford confirmed that I was not pregnant the next morning. I think I shocked her more than myself when I completely broke down in tears. She gave Anna a bewildered look and quietly mentioned she had expected relief. I laughed through my tears at that, it was relief. Mostly.
It also made me realize that after that Dickie would be gone for good. Would anyone ever understand that part of me was sad that this gave me no reason to work it out with him? I still loved him. Hated him, too. But the love was still there, pulsing faintly in my broken heart. As much as I wanted to be completely over him, I wasn't. How could I be? Sometimes I didn't think I was even over Joe leaving me. Would I ever be able to trust another man? Being in love and having a husband seemed really important to me one second, and then the next I couldn't even imagine letting myself become that intimate with someone.
Regardless of my jumbled emotions and confused state of mind, I knew I needed to let Dickie know that I wasn't pregnant. He caught me during a swing of self-pity, and I agreed to meet him instead of telling him on the phone.
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oOo
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I drove up to the house that only a few weeks ago I considered my future home. Dickie opened the door before I could even lift my limp arm and knock.
"Hi," he said softly. He looked at me for a long moment, a mixture of guilt and anxiety on his face. "Come on in."
He stepped back quickly and I followed him into the foyer. He immediately led me into the sitting room, but not before I looked into the dining room. The centerpiece was still on the hutch. For some reason, I was more mad that he had not put the table back than I was at the visual reminder of the last time I was there.
"Would you like something to drink?" he asked politely, pulling my attention from the other room.
"No." I sat on the couch and waited for him to sit across from me.
He looked so normal. Not even a hint that his whole life had just been turned upside down. Not a clue that the woman he loved had left him. Not one sign that his heart was broken. And it changed me, seeing him so casually waiting for me to announce whether he was going to be a father. I immediately went from victimized to vengeful.
"I …" I bit my lip, unsure what I wanted to say. Well, I wanted to scream at him, but more than that I wanted to hurt him.
"Steph? Have you been to the doctor?" He leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. He glanced at my stomach and then back to my eyes.
"Yes." I took a deep breath and found the smallest amount of pleasure in seeing him get nervous. "They said it was the stress." I looked down into my lap, gathering my thoughts.
"So you're not?"
I looked up at him and felt some tears fall down my cheeks. I couldn't have planned it better. I wasn't sure why I was crying, other than even though I wanted him to pay, I still did love him. I guess more than him paying, I just wanted him to make it all go away.
I blinked away my tears and looked right into his eyes. "Not anymore."
His eyes flashed. "What did you do?"
Good. That was just what I needed to say the rest. "I found the father of my unborn child fucking a whore on our dining room table."
He flinched. "Steph, I'm sorry. I told you –"
"It doesn't matter, Dickie. I lost the baby. The doctors couldn't do anything for me. The stress of having my heart broken was wreaking havoc on me. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I … They told me that trauma can cause early miscarriage and that I would be able to try again." The sad part is that there may be some truth to this. But more than likely, I was never meant to have that baby.
"You … you … " He hung his head down. "I'm so sorry."
"You should be."
I stood up and marched out of the house. Out of his life.
It was killing me, each step I walked away from him. My heart was begging me to tell him that I would take him back and we could try again. The guilt of my revelation would change him. We could make a baby that would survive, keep us together. Keep him from straying.
That stopped me right in my tracks. I shouldn't have to keep him from doing anything. I shouldn't have to worry about my husband staying faithful. I shouldn't have to lie to make him feel sorry for hurting me. He should just be sorry. His remorse should be real.
He should love me better than that.
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I was so glad to have Sophia home. It helped me focus on being her mother, and not what had just happened. It worked pretty well for a few days. Then I saw a pregnant woman at the store. She was going on and on to another woman about how long she and her husband had tried to get pregnant. Before I knew it, I was the mess on aisle three. And I don't think anyone was buying that the coffee was making me cry.
I left the store in a fog and drove to the park. I had done the same thing the day Mom and Dad found out about Sophia. I placed my hand on my stomach and wondered why I had continued to be such a wreck. I had done everything I was supposed to. I was responsible. I finished school and even got a degree. I worked my butt off. I had done everything right, no matter how hard it had been. But what was the point?
Why didn't Dickie love me? Why didn't he want me enough to stay faithful to me? Why did I lose that baby? But I didn't want a baby with Dickie, and I had begged God to not be pregnant.
Be careful what you wish for.
I felt so confused. How could I be upset about losing a baby that was never meant to be? I had done nothing to myself to cause a miscarriage! Why did I feel so guilty? I should be relieved. Ecstatic. Thrilled. I would never have to be tied to him. I could walk away and make a clean break.
I could be alone for the rest of my life. If my fiancé didn't really want me, who would?
I swiped at my tear-streaked face as I looked in the rear-view mirror. As long as Sophia was okay, it didn't matter what happened to me. God obviously chose to spare that baby from a miserable life. And Sophia would always have Joe. He was such a good father. She would be fine, even with me as a mother.
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So what are your thoughts? Like I said, really nervous about this chapter. I hope I didn't upset anyone with this sensitive topic. As I said before, Steph has a journey to get through before HEA.
Please leave a review! I promise I treasure each and every one.
