A/N:Still busy. Big life changes ahead so that has to be my priority. But this is happening! I'm so close to being done, and then it should be regular posting from there on out. Thanks for your patience.
Feedback is love. And useful!
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A Change In Me
Chapter Twenty-Two
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Even with all the drama, both spoken and unspoken, between her parents, Sophia's fifth birthday was a good day. It was the first she had shared with her daddy, and Joe was beaming the whole time. Of course, it just reminded me how he would never know what it was like to hold her on her actual birthday. To look down at that perfect little face and fall in love so deep it hurt. To be there for it all.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. I tried to smile, but I could feel the tears prickling and ended up making a grimace instead.
Joe sat his piece of cake down on the table and pulled me in a hug. "I know. Me too."
"Joe, you don't need to – "
"And neither do you." He stepped back, and I felt the loss more than I should have. He gave me a hard look and I expected him to take back all the forgiveness he had ever shown me. "You doing better than before?"
"Better than –"
"Better than after Mother's Day?"
Oh. That. I guess we had never really talked about what happened.
I picked up his cake and ate the frosting he had scraped to the side. He simply lifted his brows and shook his head.
"I'm doing much better. Thanks." I handed him the cake. "I have some really great friends now. It's been a good summer. And I'm in the ER now. It's much more fast-paced. I don't know if I would want to stay there forever, but it's fine for now."
Crossing my arms, I forced myself to stop rambling. I was very aware I had left out my new relationship status with Tom.
"I know it wasn't exactly something you signed up for – your job."
Of course he knew. Everyone knew I almost got fired.
He rubbed the back of his neck as I leveled a glare at him. "I'm just worried about –"
"Don't be."
Thankfully any awkwardness that may have developed was easily erased by Sophia's ridiculous joy at having us both with her on her birthday. It also helped that there were about three times as many people this year with several Morellis in attendance as well. Thankfully, I was able to spend most of the time with Mary Lou or with Sophia. I was enjoying the party more than I thought until Mary Lou came back from a phone call from Lenny.
"Steph, please don't hate me." She looked almost ghostly white, which was saying something for a girl who spent most of the summer tanning so she would still be 'glowing' for her October wedding.
"Why would I hate you, Mary Lou, best friend, honorary aunt to my only child?" I raised my brows at her.
"Well, you see Lenny's mom goes to Sacred Heart, as you know. And so, um, well, her nieces are in Sunday school there. And well, they just love their new teacher. And their mom, that would be Lenny's aunt."
"I know how family relationships work, Mare. Just spit it out."
"So I guess they've all become good friends with the McDaniels." She bit her lip and gave me a weak smile.
"And?"
"And they are all invited to the wedding now."
"Oh."
"Heather will probably want to bring Joe."
"Of course."
"I can talk to him if you want." She glanced across the room to where he was talking with my father. "I don't really know him that well, but I am the bride and I do have some power over this wedding."
I laughed at that. Mary Lou had pretty much caved to every single thing that her future mother-in-law had requested, or demanded.
"Say something," she pleaded.
"What's there to say? Joe will be at your wedding. It's fine."
"Steph, you only get this short-answered when you're really upset. Just tell me what you want me to do."
"What do you want me to say?" I pulled her into the corner of the dining room and lowered my voice. "That the first wedding I will have to attend after mine never happened is now going to be the place that begins all the wedding talk with Joe and Heather? It's actually really surprising that the Burg doesn't have them engaged at this point."
"Oh, Steph, I hate this! I hate that this is happening for me while you are still hurting." She lunged at me and hugged me tight. "I wish I could make it all better."
"I know." I gave her a weak smile. "Me too."
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Joe stayed all the way to the bitter end and helped get the birthday girl ready for bed. It was the first time we had really done the whole routine together at my house. Sophia was pretty wiped out from the excitement of the day and her sugar rush was quickly fading. So I was surprised when she perked up at the end of her bedtime story.
"Daddy, why weren't you at my birthday before?"
Joe froze for a moment and looked across the room to me as I sat on my bed. I took a deep breath, not sure what he was going to say.
"I was away, princess. I was in the Navy and then at the police academy. Remember my prince costume from Halloween last year?"
"Oh! You were the best prince ever, Daddy!" She scooted up and then climbed onto his lap.
"Sophia, you need to stay in bed," I said gently, afraid to trigger a tantrum.
"I wish you were always here," she said to Joe, completely ignoring me.
"I know, baby. But we see each other all the time." He kissed her nose and then placed her back under her covers.
"Tell me about when I was born," she pleaded with Joe who looked pretty devastated that he had nothing to tell her.
I crossed over and sat on the floor next to her bed, in front of Joe. "You know, bug, you were born on a Tuesday afternoon. I had stayed home from … work," I gave Joe and quick look, "because you were kicking me so hard I thought your little foot was gonna come out my belly button!"
She giggled, slapping at the bed. "That's so silly, Mommy!"
"Well, I can be kind of silly. And then Grammy and Grampy took me to the hospital so they could take you out of me."
"Daddy, did you come too?"
He sighed again. I guess they had never really talked about this before. "No. I was on a big boat far far away. And I couldn't have swam fast enough to be here even if they would have let me."
"Like the pictures you showed me?" She sat up once again and took his hand.
"Yes," he answered happily, looking a little more relieved.
"Did you know that I was so tiny, Daddy? Did you know that I could fit in a drawer?"
"No way," he answered with mock seriousness. "There's no way you were that tiny."
"Uh huh! Mommy said that she would have just put me in her drawer but I had a crib so it was unnessascary."
"Well, that's pretty cool."
He looked down at me and smiled. My breath caught for a moment as I looked into his eyes and took in the intimacy we were sharing. It had been months since we had been like this together. I missed it so much more than I realized. I was also just starting to realize that Sophia was very much watching this little moment between her parents when she decided to break the silence.
"Daddy, will you put another baby in Mommy?"
We both quickly looked at her hopeful face.
"Um … well, Sophia, it …. Uh …. I don't think so."
"But it's easy!" she offered with a little shrug of her shoulders.
"It is?" I asked, wondering what her little mind had come up with. Also, I was glad that maybe Joe could help deal with some of these questions. And maybe a little part of me wondered what else he would say about this.
"Uh-huh," she answered with a bob of her head. She quickly turned back to Joe. "Did you forget how to?"
He chuckled softly. "Yep, I did." He smiled at her, curiosity written across his face. "Can you tell me?"
"You and Mommy go to church and ask Father to give you the baby bread."
"Baby bread?"
"Uh-huh. And then after you take it, you have to kiss with your tongues."
We shared a quick look, reading each other to see if we really wanted to know where this was going. I turned back to our suddenly wide awake daughter. "Is that it?"
"No," she said with frustration. "The baby bread makes a really tiny baby that you have to put in Mommy's belly button."
Joe blinked at her a few times. "And I put the baby in Mommy's tummy … with my tongue?"
"Yes. So do that, okay?"
"What if Mommy swallows the tiny baby?"
She crossed her arms and shook her head at him. "Daddy, I'm serious."
"Sorry, Sophia. But –"
"Mommy would never do that! And the baby goes in your mouth when you kiss Mommy. Then you put it in her belly button. Okay?"
"Did your Mommy teach you this?" he said straight to me with a wicked grin.
"No," she said with a full on eye roll.
"Who told you about this, bug?"
"Mommy, I know these things."
"Just checking."
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oOo
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The next few weeks flew by, my birthday being overtaken by wedding plans for Mary Lou's October 21st wedding. Tom took me out to a nice dinner the previous weekend so the two of us could celebrate. He had also offered to include Sophia for my birthday dinner, but I was no where ready for them to be around each other. After Dickie, I wasn't sure I would ever be ready to risk her heart again. It just wasn't worth it. After dinner, we had gone back to his place for some sexy times. It was nice. It was also not what I wanted. Not that I really knew what I wanted either.
Ever since Sophia's birthday, I had been wondering about my never-ending addiction to Joe. I really thought we had a moment that night. I just couldn't make up my mind on whether I was hoping for that to be true or not. I had hoped, at least, that things would be returning to normal between us. Unfortunately, instead of our banter returning like I expected, he continued to almost treat me like a colleague. Our conversations were professional and short. Sophia had also seemed to be disappointed in our lack of progress. She mentioned several more times that we should be talking to Father O'Riley about getting a new baby. Thankfully, she was easy to distract and I never had to really give her a straight answer on that.
Just when I thought maybe I would approach Joe about whatever it was that he may or may have not felt for me. And if that sounded vague enough, I couldn't even put into a normal sentence what I thought I felt for him. Anyway, I finally asked Joe if we could talk one night after he dropped off Sophia. I was surprised, and a little excited, when he blushed.
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you too," he said nervously.
Maybe I wouldn't have to say anything? Maybe he could just do all the talking! Perfect.
"Okay," I returned brightly. "You wanna sit on the porch?"
"Sure."
I grabbed my zippy and followed him out, sitting next to him on the bench seat instead of on one of the chairs.
We smiled at each other, and I just knew Joe was going to tell me that he wanted for us to be together. But was it what I wanted?
"So, I think it's –"
"What did you –"
We both laughed lightly. He looked up, his foot tapping rapidly on the ground. I tilted my head and gestured for him to continue.
"I would like Sophia to meet Heather."
I blinked at him, a little unsure – or hoping – that I misunderstood him. "Um … they met."
"Yeah, I know. But we've been dating for a while now, and I think maybe it's time for them to meet officially. As in my daughter and my girlfriend." He looked over at me finally, and I must have had the most horrid look on my face because he immediately pulled away and tensed up. "I'm not asking permission, Stephanie. I am just trying to do the right thing and let you know first."
"I know you're not asking permission," I replied, trying desperately not to sound as upset as I was. "Thank you."
"Okay then. We will take her with us next weekend then after the wedding. That will help you too, right? "
"Oh," I blinked at him. "Yes, that will be nice."
I had to get out of there before I lost it. Even though I was very aware that I had introduced Sophia to Dickie before I even let Joe know about her, I just didn't want Sophia around her. Why couldn't Joe just not date anyone until I knew what I wanted? Did he really think that what happened between us on Mother's Day meant nothing to me?
And whose fault was that?
Damn it!
"You're sure that's okay?"
Was he setting me up? Of course I didn't want Heather to be around Sophia!
"No, Joe. You get to make that call. Speaking of … I need to call someone so I'm going to let you go." I stood up quickly and practically bolted to the door before turning back to him. "Thanks for telling me about Heather – well, I knew about Heather. Everyone knows about Heather. Everyone thinks she's wonderful. Not that I don't! I don't even know her. But I'm sure if you're wanting her to meet Sophia she must be wonderful – better than wonderful! So yeah, you decide what you want to do about that. I trust you. I do, you know? I do trust you with Sophia. I know you only want to do what's best for her. You always have. So thanks. And … goodnight."
I didn't even bother waiting for a response. How was it that Joe could make me turn into a rambling idiot? At least, he didn't realize he was the only one who did that to me.
And why wouldn't he want to take the next step with Heather? She was beautiful, sweet, and very Catholic, even if it was the Irish kind. I could actually imagine Angie giving up her hopes of our reconciliation if Joe would settle down with someone like Heather McDaniels. She was a Burg mother's dream come true for her son. I think she even volunteered on the weekends at the shelter. She also had not one bad spot on her record. Of course, her family moved here when she was in college from Missouri. So maybe she had a past. But who followed their family to a new state after college and moved in with them? She must have known that Valerie had left town, and there was an opening for Burg Princess. And to top it all off, Joe was the first guy she had dated more than a few times since she came here. And everyone loved to tell me it was because only a Morelli could get her to uncross her legs. In Catholic-speak, that meant she probably considered them engaged.
Okay, I had to stop thinking about this.
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oOo
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Mary Lou's wedding was beautiful, even considering the ridiculous amount of Jersey influence that the original Mrs. Stankovic had incorporated. Is there a limit to how much tulle can be used before it's a fire hazard? At least the bridesmaids' dresses were fairly simple. I actually felt pretty good about how I looked, which was a good thing since I knew I'd be seeing the Burg's golden couple. And of course, Sophia made the prettiest flower girl ever. It didn't even upset me to see her coming down the aisle placing her flower petals down carefully as she went. I was so proud of her and beyond grateful that she was old enough to sit up front with Mary Lou's parents instead of needing Joe to take her. Seeing her sit between Joe and Heather would have been a bit more than I could handle.
Sophia still didn't know who Heather was to Joe, and I was more than fine with that. It seemed that Joe had changed his mind about their official meeting. Joe had called the night before that he had given it some thought and the wedding would not be the time for that. In turn, I let him know that Tom would be arriving at the reception as my date, only after Sophia was picked up by Grandma and Grandpa. Even when they arrived, Heather found their seats before Joe stopped by to see Sophia.
"Oh my! Sophia, you really are a princess today," Joe said from the door to the side room all the girls were waiting in. He flashed all of us a devastating smile, and I tried not to roll my eyes at the faint sigh I heard from somewhere behind me. "You look perfect, Mary Lou. Lenny is one lucky guy."
"Thanks, Joe," she replied with tears already in her eyes.
I smirked at him as I led Sophia over to him, pulling her from the full-length mirror where she was twirling.
"Daddy, I'm the prettiest flower girl ever!" She gave him a little curtsy and then a bow, causing both of to chuckle.
"Are you ready to do your flower girl job?"
"Yep!"
"Okay, I will see you after the wedding." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Good luck!"
Standing up, he came face to face with me. I simply lifted a brow at him.
"You too, Cupcake," he said with a wink and turned on his heel. "Don't trip or anything," he called over his shoulder.
"Whatever," I grumbled to myself. I turned to see several interested eyes and simply put my hand up. "Nope. Not a word."
The thing about confronting something you are dreading is that it seems to only go two ways: as bad as you think or not at all what you think. Seeing Joe and Heather together all dressed up and at a wedding was more of the second. I tried to be discreet, but it was hard not to watch them at the reception when they were so clearly not as in love as I had thought. And it wasn't just one-sided. Just when I thought maybe Joe was keeping his distance from Heather, I noticed that she didn't seem to even care. It was such a surprise that I eventually found myself lingering behind their table to get a closer look.
"Have you seen her?" Heather asked.
"Not since her date arrived."
"She's been seeing that guy since the summer, right?"
Joe huffed and leveled a serious look at her. "About as long as we have."
She sighed and reached over to take his hand. "You have to tell her, Joe. This is too important to keep from her."
"Heather, I want it all. I want this!" He gestured to the room.
"I know." She kissed his hand softly. "Let's dance." She pulled him up and kissed his cheek.
"You're pretty amazing," he told her as he pulled her close.
That was about all I wanted to see and hear. I quickly stepped through the kitchen door that was behind me. So I obviously misread everything about them. Joe wanted to marry Heather. And I assumed that it was me they were talking about. She wanted him to tell me. Probably she wanted to tell me first before they announced their engagement. She was thoughtful like that, as much I hated her for it.
Why couldn't she be a stuck up bitch? She had never given me one tiny reason to hate her, except that she was with Joe. I was used to being compared to someone so perfect; I was Valerie's sister after all. No. As much as I didn't want to admit it, the only thing I had against Heather was Joe. Not that I would have been friends with her otherwise, but I was starting to realize that my feelings for Joe had never really disappeared. They were annoyingly present, but so was my deep distrust of the man. I just couldn't imagine ever letting him into my life like that again. So why did I hate her so much?
Tom found me a few minutes later, eating cake in the back of the kitchen. He had been a perfect gentleman and looked strikingly handsome in his suit. He also knew enough about me to know that Sophia's dad was a sticky subject.
"Hey! I've been looking for you for like twenty minutes." He walked over and leaned down to look at me in the eye. "Have you been crying?"
"No," I lied.
"Right." He gave me a lop-sided smile. "This has been a hard day for you."
I shoved the last bite of cake in my mouth and shrugged.
"Mary Lou was worried about you. She said that this was the first time you really have been around Joe and his girlfriend."
I glared past him towards the reception. "Yeah, I guess."
"And, of course, I know you were supposed to be getting married last spring."
"Tom! What is your point?"
"I just want you to know that I get it. There's a lot going on right now."
Ugh. Why was he such a good guy? Or better yet, why was I not able to really open up to him? Let him in. Love him. He had almost said it so many times, but being the sensitive guy he was, he was waiting for me to catch up.
"Tom, I'm fine. Really. And I promise that not one little part of me is regretting not being with Dickie right now."
He leaned in kissed my cheek. "I know. It's about the man you were watching all evening."
"I don't love him."
"Okay."
"Don't okay me, okay?" I rolled my eyes at myself. "Just … it's complicated with Joe. He's always going to be in my life."
"I know that too." He took my plate and sat it on the counter behind me before pulling me up on my feet. "I also know that I won't ever hurt you the way he did."
It took all I had to not sigh, laugh, or cry at that. "Tom, why do you put up with me?"
"I …" He ran his thumbs across my cheeks. "I love you, Stephanie. I know you aren't ready to say it. But I think you will."
Well, there went the waiting for me thing. "Maybe I will." I kissed him sweetly and let him deepen it.
I was so messed up, but I wanted to believe that Tom could work his magic on me. Maybe he would make me love him. Maybe.
"So how about we get wasted and go out there and show them how to have a real good time?" He asked as he leaned down and looked into my eyes, wiggling his eyebrows until I laughed.
"That sounds like the best idea you've had all night."
I wish I could say that Tom and I were the life of the party that night, but the truth was that we got a little carried away. I think it was after we both smashed cake into each other's faces that even Mary Lou was ready to push me out the door. I got so drunk I forgot that part of the reason I was doing it was to make Joe jealous. Can't say I really regret that since it did allow me to have a great time. I don't remember much after Lenny's mom found me and Tom having sex in the back of the coat closet. Unfortunately, it only proved her correct about me, and she gladly spread the word to all her friends who then gladly informed my mother who then took great pleasure in loudly lecturing me the next morning while I was nursing my hangover.
So that completed my turn as the worst bridesmaid and best friend of all time. Mary Lou told me that I would be owing her indefinitely, or at least until her first child was in school. It also was the beginning of the end for Tom and me. Not that I saw what was coming in any way, too caught up in running from my feelings to see where I was headed.
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oOo
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During a tense phone conversation with Joe about the wedding reception, I was getting pretty upset. Who was he to tell me how to act? Isn't that what started the mess that happened on Mother's Day?
"Tom wants to take me to Atlantic City for Halloween," I blurted out. I wasn't really considering going. I didn't want to miss Sophia's trick-or-treating. "I'm —"
"Fine. Heather was going to join us anyway, so maybe it will be best without you," he shot back.
I knew it was beyond unfair of me to say no after last year's original plans with Dickie. Unfortunately, my anger won over. "You better not leave her alone with her for even five minutes!"
"Why does it- you know what? Yes, I will make sure that Sophia is with me at all times."
"Good." I silently screamed at the ceiling. What the hell was I doing? "I gotta go, talk soon."
I took out that photo of Joe, Sophia and me from Halloween that his mom gave me. It broke my heart to think that was the only time we would ever again really share a holiday as just the three of us. Everyone and their sister knew that Joe and Heather would be announcing an engagement any day. Just as I had predicted, seeing them together at Mary Lou's wedding had given them the Burg's official blessing. I assumed that everyone also thought Sophia would be better off with Heather in her life as well. Instead of arguing with Joe about Halloween, I had just agreed to let Heather take my place. I also acted like an irrational bitch. Let's not forget that. I stared at the picture one more time. I needed to move on. I knew Joe well enough to know that he hadn't really planned on taking Heather. But I wasn't happy with anything anymore so I didn't really care.
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Tom was also getting very good at getting me to agree to things (like abandoning my child on Halloween). He definitely had some skills, and he could be very persuasive when he wanted to be. It was kind of funny how confident and in control he was in bed compared to how he was in general. Of the boys, Tom always had the most laid back personality. He could always roll with whatever came his way. His ability to put me at ease and then command my body at will was very intoxicating. I liked feeling like I didn't have to worry about anything. But I wasn't falling in love with him. I also knew that he was still up for a good time, which was about all I was capable of at this time. And a good time we had. I think I was hammered from dinner until after breakfast the next day. Tom had taken my phone from me at one point because I insisted on calling Sophia, and he at least was sober enough to know that was not cool.
When I came home the next day, I found Joe and my parents sitting in the living room.
"Where's Sophia?" I asked, leaning over the bannister to see if I could hear her upstairs.
"Sophia is with my mother," Joe stated with his cop voice.
I sat my bag down and slowly made my way into the house. I could feel their eyes on me as I started to walk to the dining room.
"Stephanie, come sit down," my dad demanded in his most serious voice. "We need to talk."
I looked to my mom as I made my way over to the chair next to where Joe was seated. She sighed heavily but didn't give me any clues to what was happening.
Joe suddenly stood up. "Do you even know why we are all here?"
"No," I admitted.
"You left the house yesterday before noon, right?"
"Yes."
"What time did I tell you I was picking up Sophia?" He continued.
"Around 3. I was listening, Joe. I know you had that church luncheon with Heather yesterday. How was the trick or treating?"
"Stephanie," my mother started. "Do you remember me telling you that Mom and I were going to the salon? And your father was going to the lodge?"
I thought about that. I did remember her starting in on the Joe and Heather thing again, and then I tuned her out. I shook my head.
"Sophia was by herself until I got here!" Joe practically burst. "She was terrified. I could hardly convince her that you were okay and that you were going to come back."
My eyes began to tear up as my throat tightened. What?
"How could you leave the house and not know who was taking care of her? Where was she when you left? What were you thinking?"
"I was running late. I had to wash my shirt I wanted to wear. She was playing with her toys in the living room. I thought Mom was in the kitchen." I closed my eyes, picturing the events as I told them. I had barely kissed her goodbye on her head before bolting out the front door. Tom had honked the horn twice, and I wasn't ready for him to come in and meet Sophia.
"She left the house and went looking for you!" He pulled at his hair and went over to the staircase to grip the bannister. He suddenly turned around. "My God! What if she hadn't come back, Stephanie? What if someone grabbed her? It was over three fucking hours!"
"I didn't know," I squeaked out, trying to catch my breath as I imagined Sophia being taken by some sick person.
"You have changed, Stephanie. I didn't want to believe that he had affected you so much. But you are not the same."
"What does that mean?"
"You … you're reckless. Reckless with yourself. It's like you don't even care anymore about you. What is that going to teach Sophia?"
I could have slapped him I was so mad. "Are you calling me a bad mother?"
"No. I'm worried about you." He crossed over to me and crouched down in front of me. "Don't give him this much power. I know you're hurting, Steph, but you can't just check out of your life."
"I'm not!" I looked at my parents, but they were clearly in agreement with Joe.
"I'm not," I repeated. "It was an accident. I never would have left her alone on purpose. I would never do anything ever to hurt her!" I broke down in tears. "You have to believe me!"
Joe shook his head at me, his face twisted in pain. He stood up. "I want so badly to believe you, Stephanie." He groaned in frustration and then took a deep breath. "I'm filing for joint custody."
"What!" I stood up and grabbed at his hands. "Joe, you don't need to do that. Everything between us is fine. I let you see her whenever you want." I knew the moment I said 'let' that I had made a mistake.
"It's not about that," he replied calmly, which threw me off. "It's about me having legal rights. It's about me being able to best take care of my daughter."
He walked past me over to my parents. I numbly turned to watch him take my father's hand and shake it, apologizing for his cursing. What universe was I living in? What had I done to my life these last six months?
My parents remained rather quiet for the rest of the evening, which was saying more than any screaming or yelling would have ever accomplished. I had hoped they would jump in and talk me through convincing Joe to not go to the courts. I was counting on Mom to take control like she did when I was pregnant. By the time I made it to bed, I realized that it was stupid for me to expect that of them. I was the parent. I had failed my little girl. I had failed myself too. It was time to actually grow up and make some changes for the better in my life.
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A/N: So Steph has reached her low point. Are we all relieved? What do you think about Joe's reaction?
Thanks so much for reading!
