Credit to Sodachip1
Rewrite: 3/30/24
"Father, Father! Can I watch it?!"
"Calm down Stolas, this is a delicate matter at hand so we must be gentle about this."
As the colossal owl demon carefully pushes the double doors open, he is met by a large blue gloomy chamber with a master bed in the center and the imp butler with a mustache waiting over the egg that is about to crack, chirps can be heard within the white shell. The father and son approached the egg on the master bed gently, but the patriarch shifted his weight to the butler's side.
"Where is the mother?"
"It seems that she was absorbed by the egg before it started hatching…" the butler whispered as he looked down solemnly.
"That's a bummer…"
The chick, on the other hand, had already clambered over and gently moved towards his younger sibling's white shell, more chirps muffled as faint thumps resonated in the room, followed by thumps... Crack! A golden beak pierced its way through... Then a golden claw grasped the aperture and pulled down from within... then another, then another, and so on until it ripped through its jail, chirping along the way.
"Woah… My own baby sibling."
Young Stolas held his breath as the top portion slid off, revealing a small ugly pinkish head with some blue tiny feathers poking out, and a golden beak that glistened in the moonlight. What is unusual is that most if not all chicks have their eyelids shut however this one has its eyes peeled the entire time... dull as twin black voids.
"Okay, that is not normal." Paimon could only utter as his gaze did not leave the spawn he helped bred.
It blinked before opening to display stars, so many stars that it appeared as if there was a cosmo within the younger chick's twin vision providing organs, and the light sparkled as if enormous mysteries were behind those bulbous glowing eyes. It then blinked once more, revealing pink and yellow heterochromia eyes with black sclera on each.
"So cooooool~" Stolas whisper-yell as he gawked at the wonder in front of him.
"Uh, okay, ahem, anyway!" Paimon leaned over the shell before grabbing the naked chick and wrapping the babe all snuggly as he lifted the tiny burrito above him, "My son, as you are now a part of the Royal Ars Goetia Lineage! For all the plebians of Hell shall respect and grovel by your feet for they shall address you as-"
"Mooooo~"
"..."
…
…
…
"The fuck?"
Paimon gazed blankly at the chicken wrap, which stared back at him blankly, while the elder sibling held his breath, not out of amazement, but in response to the unexpected bovine sounds emanating from his younger sibling.
"Pffft~ hohohoho~ hehe~."
"I knew I should not have given her the equine specia l during insemination…"
"The wot?"
"Nothing Stolas! All in good time you will learn it!"
While his heir continued to giggle, Paimon sensed energy flowing from the little bundle in his grip. He could sense tremendous things coming from this bird in particular, as well as the misfortunes that may befall it. He heard murmurs and echoes of the dead mother's voice naming this youngest heir in his subconscious mind.
"You will be addressed as…"
"Tzeentch! Uncle Tzeentch?!"
It was morning and the teenage owl demon girl sat by the window couch as she poured her milk on the cereal bowl while she stared intensely at her father as if he just uttered forbidden magic in front of her. Stolas on the other hand was brewing his morning caffeine with the kettle poured with steaming water.
"Yes, yes, he's coming oveeeer!~" The Father cheerfully confirmed
"Dad, he's creepy as hell!"
"Look, my brother may be a bit… quirky at times but he isn't really that bad if you remember his gifts for your every birthdays?"
"Dad…" Octavia simply deadpanned, "He's so inconsistent that playing a lottery machine from the Greed ring would yield better rewards than whatever his gifts are."
"And what they may be?" The father did a 360 neck twist and raised his eyebrow.
"During my tenth birthday, he gave me a card predicting my first egg-laying ovulation the next morning."
"Oh…"
"Or in my eleventh when he gave me a screaming head of some poor imp inside the present. Or the twelfth when he ate the whole cake during the party leaving the goers cakeless before remaking said cake the next day because he wants me to have it for myself. Or the thirteenth when he filled a radio tower with rats and the presents with toddler-sized skeletons. I mean what the fuck is even happening?! Techno Monkeys on the fourteenth?!"
Stolas sat down and casually raised the newspaper before him to study the articles while drinking his recaf. His gaze was drawn to the jar containing the grinds as a fat green demon smiled joyfully back at him while stirring a pot. His gaze shifted to the counter, where he found the red card with a yellow stylized skull rune that came with his gym membership. Then back at the newspaper, announcing a smut film collaboration between Angel Dust and this pink succu-
Thud! The girl slammed down her milk carton.
"Dad!"
"Yesdarling?" Stolas instantly replied, eyes now widened from his stupor.
"Are you even paying attention, Dad? Uncle Tzeentch should not come over!"
"Calm down he's just passing by, it's not like I can say no to him anyways," The flamboyant father took a sip of his own cup, "he usually just barges in without warning."
"lIkE rIgHt noW!?"
"Satanonfuckingrollerscates!"
Octavia leaped out of her seat and over the table as she noticed a blue pointy hooded figure peeking through the pink stained glass, the blackness under the hood gleamed with countless golden beady eyes staring back at her. Suddenly, the creature crept across the pink glass, then to the ceiling, like something out of The Exorcist, before crashing down between the father & daughter. Its hood appears to be formed of blue feathers as well.
"i wiLl FooL the sHEphERDS, i WiLl Know tHeIR grEateSt fEAr, i wIlL kNow YoUr gReAtesT fEAR. RIsE AND SHiNe, mIsS gOEtIA. "
"Fuck sakes, Uncle. Will you stop being so goddamn creepy?"
"BeCaUSE yOuR GReaTest feAr iS me ruining your day hahihuhohihahehohihu!"
The demon had only his golden beak poked out but his pointy cowl still shadowed the remainder of his head. His cloak covered much of his body down to his foot if he had one since not a single footstep was heard, and his shoulders were pronounced which gave him the cloak figure an imposing stature. Contradicting his silly shaking in his uncontrollable giggling.
His laugh meanwhile sounded like a nerdy mollusk.
"Ugggh! You such an arse!"
"Donkeys, yes, such a peculiar animal that can interbreed with horses yet their offspring become sterile just like ligers. Yet demons here of differing species can interbreed and their offspring will be fine to reproduce due to maybe being for having a common demon genus. But this also raises a question about Lucy and Lilith's case whether Princess Charlie herself is sterile or not due to her angelic and demonic mixed heritage. Who knows? Maybe that's why she's dating a lesbian? Hmm… Or does it all simply imply that Lucifer is a jackass?"
" Bloody hell, this is why you're my least favorite uncle!"
"Least favorite Uncle but not the most hated? Why these words specifically? Could it mean tha-"
"Please just shuddup about everything for a minute!"
"Sorry, Sorry! Who am I kidding? Happy Birthday, Octavia!" Under Tzeentch's cloak burst forth confetti of the colors of the rings of hell as a blue fireball shot up and blew into "HAPPY PREEMPTIVE BIRTHDAY OCTAVIA"
Octavia gawked at the fiery written words, "H-How? My birthday was like a month ago, how did you even fail to celebrate my birthday early this late?"
"Time is relative, my least hated niece." He then telekinetically fished out behind his cloak a simple small gift, a blue box wrapped in a neat yellow ribbon.
"What's that?" Octavia queried as her eyelids closed halfway as she crossed her arms.
"It's a gift," Tzeentch answered with a chipper tone.
"I can see that but just what's in the box? I don't trust whatever shenanigans you planted in that."
"To elevate your worries, I'll open it myself." He knelt down and then delicately pulled the ribbon with an invisible pinch as the strands fell off before taking the lid pulled it akin to a crane from an arcade crane game before lightly tossing it away. Now his unseen hands delicately picked whatever was inside as he grinned darkly at the object…
…To reveal a silver pendant of a half crescent with one side ending in a flame and a vertical pupil eye in the middle.
"Something for you to remember your favorite uncle."
"Huh…" As she carefully took the necklace, she scanned the unassuming jewelry before putting it around her neck, "Feels odd."
"Odd how?"
"Just odd, that's all."
"Anyhow, how is your divorce going dear brother?"
Tzeentch stood up straight before facing his half-brother, the eagle smirked at the owl then suddenly pulled out a coin and tossed the small metal disc that the older brother caught on his palm; it read "LIBERTY" above the half of the first president of the United State's face.
"Rubbish to say the least when trying to move out Stella's weeell~, rubbish but it has been chuffed from here on out."
"Good, just glad you're happy brother."
"So how is father?"
"Just same old, being tutored to the arts of dark sorcery by him."
"Still without a grimoire?"
"You know how father goes." Snapping his golden clawed fingers, a blue disc with blades pointed upwards from the edge while being dragged by two demonic blue batoids by some invisible tether.
"Going already?" The Owl inquired.
"Just another day for me, I'm the only Goetia who doesn't have a grimoire so I am relegated to more… nefarious duties bestowed upon me." Tzeentch grinned wide while Stolas nervously tapped his cup.
"A-at least tell father I said hi for him."
"Will do, brother."
With that, the blue avian dark lord phased through the glass again to land on the blue disc and stood still before flying through the distance of the Pride Ring. Stolas could only watch his blue brother casting magic on unsuspecting bystanders before disappearing within the red sky.
"Dad, why is he so…" the voice of his daughter came from behind.
"Random?"
"Yeah, why is he like that?" She confirmed as she stood alongside her father and watched the distance, "Just like him a while ago flinging random rubbish at people."
"I really don't know why since he's usually cooped up with your grandfather."
"You said his mum died." Her head tilted toward her father
"I didn't know it back then, I was too caught up in finally having a younger brother." He reminisced as he took a sip.
Her eyes darted between her father and distance, contemplating before reaching a conclusion, "Soooo~ why does he not have a grimoire?"
"It's a mystery even for me and anyone in the family really with the exception of your grandfather."
"Uncle Tzeentch is just, so… unknowable I believe is the right word."
"How fitting for him."
"Mox, I swear to Satan's taint if you get us banned at the gyms."
"He was being a dick about it, sir! How am I supposed to know that you're not allowed to bring guns?"
As is customary in I.M.P, another discussion is set up in the conference room with Blitzo sitting on the width side of the table as Moxxie sits on the window side, followed by Millie, and Loona sits on the other side of Mox, her digitigrade legs lax on the table as she scrolls through her phone.
"Mox, you know the rules of that place: 'Guns are for weaklings, Magic is for pussies'." The CEO muttered this while holding the space between his closed eyelids with worry and displeasure.
"What kind of fighting ring restricts guns and magic?" The only Male I.M.P employee threw his hands out with bewilderment.
"Look, this isn't some turf war where everything is on the table. Fight clubs usually have rules you need to follow like a gentlemen type of thing."
"Very misleading when they allow weapons." Moxxie crossed his arms as he slumped back on the chair.
"Melee Weapons, Mox. Be like your wife here, at least she brought her axe to the playground or my sweet Loona here~ I'm very proud of how she rip and tear through those bozos~." Blitzo spoke forcefully before cooing the final bit as Millie flashed a toothy grin and the adopted hellhound rolled her eyes at her father's unconditional love before continuing to text on her phone.
DING! Suddenly a notification came from the canine's phone.
"Guys, head's up." Loona blankly stated while still texting.
"Wh-What's that supposed to mean?" Moxxie raised his brow at Loona.
"Our next customer just texted and this is coming frooooooom… How the fuck do you pronounce this? " Loona murmured quietly yet it was filled with frustration as her eyes were compressed.
"Lemme' see that sweetie." Blitzo then strolled up to Loona's and grabbed her paw-sized device in front of him, scanning the screen before drawing it further closer to his face., "Wow, okay, this guy's parents must've hated them."
"Hold on a minute, I wanna see this thang." Millie said in her iconic country twang as she closed in to her boss alongside her husband, "Zee-wah? Is it Sean? Is this guy's name Shaun?"
"No-no, it could be zinc like the vitamin?" Moxxie suggested, ponderingly grasping his own chin.
"Snikch? Fuck it let's call him Tit-snitch, let's go with that." Blitzo expressed his resignation before giving the phone back to his daughter to which she snatched instantly and growled back at him.
TAP TAP TAP!
Suddenly tapping could be heard from the glass window which caught the attention of everyone, the imp cast observed a the demon in question was pink, consisting of a mouth, two legs, four arms, and a tail. The Pink monstrosity had a ponytail-shaped dangly bit hanging from its head and three blue eyes above its large mouth filled with mismatched pointy rows.
Right now it's hanging by two plungers stuck on the glass surface.
"Can I come in?" It's voice was annoyingly light but no doubt masculine even if it was muffled by the glass.
"If you break that window I will blast you to smithere!—"
Blitzø was in a tirade before the pink demon phased through the glass, open-mouthed everyone with the magical display they just witnessed except for Loona just raising a brow.
"—eeens?" Blitzo finished his sentence dumbfounded
"I am P'ngkee, loyal servant of my master: Zeench. " The pink creature bowed before them.
"Pfft…"
The visitor instantly raised its back at his audience, Millie was pouting madly while Moxxie sucked his lips in. P'ngkee knew all too well what this meant.
"Are you mocking me?" He asked but he already knew the answer
"Nuh-uh!" Millie answered as she returned to her shaking state of repressed humor.
"Is this how you conduct business?!" P'ngkee complained and stared daggers at the imp couple barely holding it in.
Blitzø came in the clutch as he guided the customer away from his employees, "Sorry about my subordinates. I want you to know that here in Immediate Murder Professionals, this was just a mishap of company culture and we take our customer service number one priority." Blitzo explained all in a relaxed voice to ease the situation.
"Thankfully I wouldn't be doing the talking." P'ngkee replied back as he set up a walkie talkie on the table.
"What?" Blitzo instantly paused.
"My Master is busy at the moment yet he still hopes that he gets to speak with you personally."
Soon radio signals blared from the device as whirrs echoed, the gang heard a raspy voice that spoke from it yet with the eloqounce of an Aristocrat. The rest of the IMPs eagerly listened to what is about to announce.
"Hello? one-two-one-two, is this damn thing working?"
"Loud and clear." Blitzo confirmed to the mysterious customer, "So you must be Tzeentch?"
"Ah! It seems my servant has already introduced me? How wonderful! P'ngkee, could you please show them the pictures?" Soon the pink minion pulled three photos from its maw; a woman in a black suit, a man in a grey suit, and another man wearing a balaclava, "The woman is the director of D.H.O.R.K.S., The CEO of a mega conglomerate, and the last one is a terrorist."
"Uh-huh," Blitzo droned out before breaking in his stupor to do a double take, "Hold the fuck on! The Director of DHORKS?!"
"Hmm?"
"This bitch!" Blitzo's pointed finger stabbed at the picture, "You're telling me this woman is the leader of an organization led by the human government?!"
"Technically corporate but she would arguably be the easiest to assassinate."
"Oh? And why would that be?" Moxxie raised a brow in question.
"It's her vacation for Hawaii, so this would be easy peasy for you imps!" Tzeentch joyfully revealed.
"Well then! What are we waitin' for?!" Millie Enthusiastically pulled out her battle axe.
"Though, you gotta kill them all at the same time because of the small timetable so no pressure!"
"Oh what the hell!" Millie stomped her foot at the sudden left field, "We ain't gonna do this all split up games you anonymous, pompous—"
"Show them."
Tzeentch simply ordered which P'ngkee throwing up a wet suitcase on the table, the servant flicked the locks and lifted the case open to find wads of Mammon bills neatly placed.
"Deal! Alright gang, arm yourselves; Millie take the terrorist, Mox you take the CEO and I'm gonna give those dorks a fucking payback!"
"Splendid, oh! Before my servant leaves…" P'ngkee then spat out a gym red card with a yellow skull insignia on his palm, "I believe this card belongs to an old friend of yours, the address is written at the back."
"Ew…" Loona took the moist card as her pawed hands felt the icky saliva drip down on her wrist.
With that, the pink demon walked through the glass before landing on a flying chariot, the ride zoomed out on the red sky while leaving a trail of mystic faces behind.
"Thank goodness he didn't destroy the wall." Blitzo then sighed.
While riding above the sky, he hummed to himself as he flings random magic on the ground nonchalantly to buy some time. He has to admit that the shithole beneath looks breathtaking if you do not go down to see the filth that riddle the streets but what can you expect from humans? He has foreseen things, many things, many prophecies, fates and destinies but when he was a babe. He never knew his own mother nor his father ever remembered apart from being another one of his wives.
Ring!
"Just in time…"
He pulled up his brick phone by the side of his beak and pressed the call button.
"Uh, hello?"
"Hello, Charlie."
"Teacher? I'm a little lost, and a bit alone right now."
"By little, you mean completely?"
"Yes, it's been a lot and I need someone just anyone."
"How's the hotel going?"
"Angel Dust is well… being himself and no one takes my hotel seriously and I just want to help but people keep taking down my efforts and I've been trying to call mom and even dad but all of them are not calling back and I am seriously thinking I-I might be giving up, I just ca-can't handle this anymore!"
"Are you crying?"
"*Sniff* *Sob*"
"Wipe your tears now and listen to this: as people, demons, angels, humans, we are complicated creatures faced with complicated problems so many individuals take comfort of the familiar and the consistent but the world does not work like this because inevitably all of this will change. Things will change for better or worse, change happens all the time, change happens like Alastor overthrowing the old Overlords, Lucifer giving humans free will through the fruit of knowledge, you being made as the innocent bundle of joy in this dark world. You are the Change this world needs, your hotel will either work or not. It does not matter if you fail since at least you tried, what do you lose exactly? Reputation? Prestige? Power? You're the daughter of Royalty! You quite literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain! So go forth shake up the old foundation of this cursed place and find the brighter future not just for Hell but for Earth and make Heaven recognize the fruits of your labor!"
"..."
"Well? Are you swell?" He snickered to try to add humor a bit.
"Hehehe, gosh, I don't care if it were lies but always knew I can count on you to keep pushing me through, Mister Tzeentch."
"It's all good, remember that you and you alone, Control. Your. Own. Destiny."
"Thank you so much, you're always my source of hope."
With a click, the call had ended. His beak opened slightly as his second set of shark jaws grinned devilishly, "...Yeah, Hope."
"Just as planned."
Upon hearing the click of her smartphone, Morningstar sighs to herself before laying flat on her bed. She clutched her phone close to her her chest as she stared mindlessly at the ceiling above. She heard a knock from the door to find her love watching with a concerned frown, her gray-skinned girlfriend slowly approached the bed and sat beside the gloomy princess.
"Hey…" Vaggie started as her palm rest on her partner's thigh.
"Hey…" Charlie ack back but her stare still remained on the ceiling.
"You doing good?"
"I'm fine now…"
"If you need someone to throw out your baggage, I'm open to hear about it."
"I'll keep it in mind…" The rosy-cheeked girl looked away after her reply.
"I love you."
"I know…" The Princess's mouth slightly curved up much to Vaggie's internal delight.
Vaggine then climbed over and crawled above the royal as the lesser demon was on all fours with both of their faces close to each other so intimately, "No matter what happens I'm not leaving you behind, you know that?" She whispers.
"You promise?" Morningstar gazed longingly at the girl above her.
To prove her word, Vaggie slowly leaned down and gave a peck on the lips which earned a giggle from Charlie. The moth maiden lowered herself to her lover's stomach while the princess wrapped her arms around her companion, cuddling on the master bed with and enjoying each others' sweet scent with Vaggie sniffing Charlie's neck.
"Who was that on the phone?" Vaggie asked as she looked up with her one eye which Charlie found adoring.
"He's my teacher, a mentor? Or a-a tutor?" Charlie explained while looking up in confusion.
"Hmm?" The Moth girl lifted her head up questioningly while also finding the royal a bit funny in her pondering.
"But like he's two or three years older than me?" The blonde lass scrunched her face.
"So he's like really smart or something?"
"Yeah, Uncle Paimon did say he was a prodigy," Charlie explains, "He skipped kindergarten all together and went straight to high school with all extra courses, then went on to graduate lots of PhDs and degree stuff."
"Didn't know there's a whole education system here in Hell." Vaggie breathed out in amusement.
"Only for us Hellborns."
"So what was he like? Is he an Ars Goetia like your Uncle Paimon?"
"Yep, blue bird and always wore a cloak of feathers. Likes moving things with his mind a lot but he occasionally uses his creepy hands." Charlie demonstrates by clawing the air before groaning to a more frustrated tone, "And also a total jerk, rude, prankster, liar, immature, and a rebel; A complete anti-thesis to what an Ars Goetia should be with all their fancy etiquette."
"He sounds fun." Vaggie snarks with her girlfriend.
"He's a wildcard but he means well… or so I think?" Charlie pondered once more which earned a raised brow from her partner, "I mean he's an A-hole all the time but he always shines when you need him, always giving hope when you need it because…"
"...he was the first one out of everyone to hear about my idea to redeem sinners and the first person to fully support it." Charlie confessed.
"Really?" Vaggie responded with her singular wide eye in surprise.
"That's why I usually call on him when I need someone to keep pushing me for my dream."
"I should be the one cheering you on." Vaggie grumbled but her tone suggested playfulness.
Charlie noticed this as well and rubbed her nose on Vaggie's albino hair to earn a whiff of her scent, "Jealous much?~"
"Of course I am!" the Moth girl giggled.
Vaggie pushed herself just above Charlie's face, her pale hair acting as curtains that left their two close faces isolated from the rest of the world. They could swear that their breaths made warm mist that flooded their visage, Charlie swallowed at the heated atmosphere and opened her lips slightly for the inevitable. Their lips touched but unlike the demure first, this time Vaggie was on the offensive with her flesh spear so Charlie went on the defense in their duel. Saliva swapped and emotions exchanged as soft moans vibrated from their throat.
In their passion, they did not notice the pure white crow from the window outside tilted its head but it did not poke on the glass and merely perched as it watched the two lovers with its azure orbs.
