Chapter summary: The Ancients knew how to party, too. Or, the one in which some members of the expedition get a little stoned. Set in season two.


B is Baked

"Ally bally, ally bally bee, sittin' on yer mammy's knee. Greetin' for a wee bawbee, tae buy some Coulter's candy."

Teyla smiled, unable to hide her amusement as she helped a drunkenly weaving Carson down the hallway. He swung his head toward her and grinned. "Ma used to sing me thot ev'ry night afore bed. Will ye sing with me, Teyla, luv? It's an easy 'nuff tune tae pick up."

Between the slight slur and the thickness his accent had taken on, Teyla had only caught about seventy-five percent of what he had been saying to her during their stroll to the infirmary. "I believe you should sing, Carson, and I will listen," she suggested.

He immediately broke out with the tune again, apparently not at all offended by her refusal to join him. "Poor wee Jeanie's gettin' awfy thin, a rickle o' banes covered ower wi' skin. Mammy gie's ma thrifty doon..." he trailed off. "Ach, no! I've gone and mixed up th' wee verse! How does it go again...?" He started over, jovially belting the words as they reached the infirmary doors.

"Ah, 'Lizabeth!" he cheered when the doors opened to reveal the woman waiting inside. "I was jus' teaching the lass here 'bout Scottish heritage. You mus' know Ally Bally Bee. Sing with me!"

Elizabeth chuckled as Carson broke back out into song again. "That's lovely, Carson. I'm sure Teyla appreciates your song." She shared an exasperated look with the other woman. "Doctor Biro was worried when you left earlier. Let's make sure we stay in the infirmary from now on, okay?"

Doctor Biro was currently trying to convince an uncooperative Sheppard to lie down for a scan. "I don't need to be here, Doc," he was saying in the same drunken tone Carson had. "Told you. I'm perfectly fine. Healthiest I've ever been."

"Colonel Sheppard, if you don't lie down and let me do this scan, I will restrain you," Biro told him firmly.

Ronon, who had been standing near Elizabeth, strode over to help. "I'll do it," he told the frazzled doctor, and reached over to hold Sheppard down on the bed.

"Ronon!" Sheppard exclaimed. "There you are! Hey, I was thinking, we should take a puddle jumper out and I could teach you how to surf. You'd be great at it. What do you say, buddy?"

"Maybe later," Ronon replied patiently as Sheppard continued to try and roll out of his grasp.

Teyla walked Carson to the nearest empty bed and deposited him there. Thankfully, he seemed to be fully engaged in remembering every verse of his song and didn't resist.

Sighing, Teyla turned back to Elizabeth. "Do we know if anyone else has been affected?"

The infirmary was bustling with people, patients who were acting just as drunk as Beckett and Sheppard and also the staff keeping an eye on them. They had quickly learned that in this altered state, none of the patients were listening very well to the "you have to stay here" directions, and that many of them were regular Houdinis when it came to sneaking out without anyone noticing. After the fourth jailbreak, they'd called in extra bodies to help keep everyone in place.

"So far it's just these five, plus Major Lorne, whom Lieutenant Kennel is escorting back right now," Elizabeth answered, watching the antics of the patients. Sheppard had switched from arguing to laughing, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to squirm away from Ronon, claiming the man was tickling him. McKay was poking the food on his tray and looking at it with fascination, like he'd made an exciting new discovery. Miko Kusanagi was staring into space and mumbling frantically under her breath. One of the nurses was wrestling a jar of cotton balls away from Sergeant Stackhouse, who claimed they were marshmallows and that he wanted to make s'mores.

Doctor Biro joined them, letting Ronon continue to convince Sheppard to stay in the infirmary. He had been tricky enough to track down the last time he escaped.

"Well," Biro said, "I was wrong. Looks like the effect of the device is more similar to cannabis than alcohol."

Elizabeth did a double take. "You're saying they're high?"

Biro nodded with a wince. "Utterly and completely stoned. It's not exactly the same, but close enough. Thankfully, there don't seem to be any negative physical effects, so I don't think they're in any danger." A timely thump interrupted her as Miko rolled off the bed and giggled, a nurse immediately hurrying to help her back up. Biro sighed, watching the scene. "Except from themselves, of course. But I suppose the other good news is that they all seem to be enjoying themselves."

"And the bad news?" Elizabeth prompted.

Doctor Biro shook her head. "We won't know how to reverse it, or even if there is a way to reverse it, until we can figure out how the device works."

Elizabeth let out a sigh. That was going to be the tricky part. "Has there been any change since we moved it into the shielded lab?"

"It looks like the effects are diminishing, but very slowly," Biro said. "It could be a few days before they return to normal at this rate. But there haven't been any new cases, so the shielding seems to at least be keeping the rest of the ATA carriers from joining this party. It's only affecting those who were in proximity to the lab when Doctor McKay triggered the device."

Speaking of the devil... "Sheppard!" Rodney exclaimed, excitement lighting up his face. "I think I figured it out! The answer, you know? To life, the universe, and everything!"

Sheppard sat up, matching the scientist's expression. "42?"

"What? Oh, no, no, no." Rodney waved a hand at him. "That's just a book. And a terrible movie. I mean, honestly, the only redeeming factor in that entire film was the musical number with the dolphins right at the beginning." He got a goofy smile on his face and sang, "So long, and thanks for all the fish..." Then, remembering that he had been about to say something of vital importance, he continued, "But this, this is for real."

"What is it?" Sheppard pried, his eyes wide as he leaned so far forward that Ronon had to catch his shoulder so he didn't topple off the bed.

"Tater tots!" McKay said, tossing a couple of the tots from his plate at Sheppard and hitting him squarely in the forehead. They both broke out into hysterical giggles.

All three women tried very hard not to laugh. "As entertaining as this is for both them and us, I would like to have our people back to normal as soon as possible," Elizabeth noted.

The infirmary door opened to let in Lieutenant Kennel, who was escorting Major Lorne by the elbow. "But Kennel, did you see it?" the major was asking with excitement, trying to turn around and head back the way they'd come.

"Yes, sir," Kennel said in a tone that rivaled that of a parent talking to a toddler as he guided his team leader further into the room. "I saw it."

"But, it was so—"

"Yes, sir, it was very blue," Kennel interrupted, rolling his eyes toward the women to show he had heard this a few times already. "The sky is usually blue. Almost every day, in fact." He led a petulant Lorne to the bed across from Carson, who had moved on to another song that was either in Gaelic or his accent had gotten too strong to identify the words. "Stay here, sir," Kennel told Lorne, sitting him on the bed.

"Hey!" Lorne protested, looking irritated that Kennel wasn't excited enough about the color of the sky. "Who gives the orders around here, Lieutenant?"

"That would be me, Major," Biro said. "Now let's go take a scan. You ran out of here before I got to you earlier." He grumbled, but dutifully followed her, nearly face-planting when he hopped off the bed.

"I'm going to go check in with Doctor Zelenka," Elizabeth said, "see if he's made any progress."

Teyla gave her a nod and smile of acknowledgment. She was content to stay here and help for now. Not just because she was always willing to help care for her teammates and friends, but because she was gaining some interesting insight into their personalities while they were in their altered states.

"Teyla, luv, you know the words," Carson said from where he was hanging half upside-down off the bed. "Sing with me now! Ally bally, ally bally bee..."


"This might be the worst hangover I've ever had," Sheppard groaned, laying his head on the table next to his untouched plate of food.

Teyla winced sympathetically. "Doctor Biro said the side effects of the withdrawal should pass within a few hours. Until then, she recommended you stay hydrated and try not to overexert yourself."

"I knew I should have just stayed in bed," McKay complained from a posture similar to Sheppard's. "I overexerted myself just by getting up."

"Drink some juice, McKay," Ronon suggested, pushing the glass closer to his tray. "It'll help."

McKay lifted his head enough to glare at the man, but he sipped at the juice obediently. "Can't believe we spent two days high as a kite," he murmured, making a face and picking something out of his cup. "Why would the Ancients invent a device with the sole purpose to get you stoned out of your mind? What's the point?"

Teyla and Ronon exchanged an amused look, which made the scientist's eyes narrow with suspicion.

"What?" he demanded.

"I cannot say for certain why the Ancients created such a device," Teyla said in a smooth voice, "but Doctor Zelenka believes that the reason may have been... Recreational."

"Recreational?" McKay squeaked in outrage. "You mean they did that for fun? On purpose?"

"You seemed to be enjoying yourself," Ronon pointed out with a smirk. "Most fun I've ever seen you have. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing."

Rodney sputtered, unsure how to respond to that. "I would never... Drugs waste perfectly good brain cells," he finally spat out.

"Calm down, Rodney," Sheppard said, lifting his head and squinting at the sunlight coming in through the mess hall's windows. "We weren't doing drugs. The device just messed with us temporarily. It's not the end of the world."

"Maybe not for you," McKay argued, growing more passionate. "I can barely remember what I did for two days!"

Teyla wasn't quite fast enough to cover up the snort of laughter. Both McKay and Sheppard regarded her with hesitant interest.

"Do we want to know?" Sheppard asked.

She debated for a moment how much to tell them. She didn't think John would be embarrassed by his behavior, more because he wasn't easily embarrassed than because he hadn't done anything to warrant it. Rodney might be slightly more sensitive after learning some of the details of their inebriation, as he tended to be more insecure about himself to begin with. But she had not been the only one to witness their antics, which meant it would likely all come out eventually, and it might be better for them to hear it from a friend first.

"For the most part, you merely found everything to be very humorous," she began, choosing her words carefully. "But there was a point when Carson suggested that you join him in singing, and from there, Rodney, you had the idea to perform a play..." Ronon's eyes danced with laughter as she trailed off.

John and Rodney stared at her, possibly remembering fragments of the musical they had put on for the medical staff (and as many others as would fit in the cramped infirmary). It had been impressive, really, that the six affected patients had been able to organize themselves well enough to put together a show that was halfway sensible.

After a long pause, Rodney asked quietly, "Did we sing a song about the Stargate? And the Wraith?"

Again, it took all of her control to not laugh as she remembered the songs. She couldn't help the wide smile on her face. "Yes. And there was a song about the ZPM as well. I never knew you had such a beautiful singing voice, Rodney."

"Oh, God," Sheppard moaned, the horrified look on his face indicating that he, too, was remembering the event. "And I made Lorne be me because I wanted to be the Wraith."

Ronon couldn't hold back the laughter anymore, which nearly set Teyla off as well. The major had done a rather impressive, if not over-exaggerated, impersonation of his commanding officer. "And Carson played me," she added, remembering the high pitched voice and the way he kept pretending to toss his hair over his shoulder. "And Miko played Doctor Weir, and Sergeant Stackhouse provided the sound effects."

Rodney had turned bright red and was slowly slouching further into his seat. "Please tell me no one recorded it," he begged weakly.

Ronon raised a mischievous eyebrow. "Sorry, McKay, can't do that."

He put his head in his hands with a pitiful moan. "Why would you let us go through with that?"

"It kept you all in the infirmary, focused on a productive goal," Teyla explained kindly. "Before that some of you made multiple attempts to wander off." She glanced meaningfully at John here. "And it did not cause any harm. In fact, you were all quite proud of it."

John looked at her with all seriousness. "What would I have to give you to help me make that recording disappear?"


Tee hee... Drop a review if you'd like to see some more!