Learning to Trust


"The tendency to self-sacrifice is just a form of wasting life."
Henry de Montherlant


Chapter 15: All for One...

Twenty missing from Nabu City. Thirteen from Jaku. Eight from Minato. Four or five from Naruhata. Two so far from Musutafu… Why? And what are you doing with them?

Toshinori groaned, running his hand through his mess of hair, tugging at his long bangs, a nervous habit he'd picked up years ago. He'd been sitting in a quiet corner of the teacher's lounge nearly all day since Aizawa had left him, playing with the information he currently had about the Shifter while he waited for Tsukauchi to get back to him. It was getting late, and honestly he should be making his way home to eat, but the more he stared at the data, the more he felt like he was missing something obvious. There had to be some sort of a pattern… a rationale… something to work with. But so far, Toshi kept coming up with nothing. The targets were from all socio-economic groups. They were from a variety of family types who worked unrelated jobs. The only thing he could see that they had in common was that all were fairly young. He didn't have exact ages, but none of them seemed to be out of school yet. Still, even with this confusion, Toshinori felt that there was a pattern he was missing hiding right under his nose.

He had been so focused on his papers that he didn't even notice anyone approaching him in the near-empty lounge until a large silver mug with the UA logo emblazoned across its surface was set in front of him. Fragrant steam wafted off of the suspiciously pale looking coffee it contained. Toshinori looked up to see Kayama, dressed in her hero uniform, come around him to pull out a chair across from him and sit down.

Toshinori's stomach did a little flip-flop of relief. To his surprise, he found himself somewhat less flustered by her hero form now that he'd gotten to know her a bit. His mind was now able to look past what there was of her skimpy costume and process her as Kayama, a surprisingly kind and understanding teacher, rather than Midnight, the scandalous R-rated hero. He was relieved to see that she was okay. He hadn't seen her since he'd been released from Recovery Girl's care, and even with Aizawa's assurance that she was fine, a small part of his mind had held onto the worried notion that it was all an elaborate lie to keep him from doing something stupid.

"Hey," she said softly, a small smile curling her red lips.

He blinked at her in bafflement. "Hey," he replied slowly. "What's this?"

"It's coffee… or at least the sad excuse for coffee that you usually drink. I thought maybe you could use a cup." Her smile grew as he continued just staring at her. "Try it." At his hesitation, she added, "It's decaf. I promise."

He wrapped his large hand around the cup but made no move to immediately lift it, allowing his gaze to drift down to the steam swirling from the hot liquid. Tentatively he blew on it and brought it up to his mouth for a small sip. It was rich and stronger than he was used to these days. It tasted wonderful, but…

He set the cup back down. "I can't drink this, Kayama-san. It's too strong. But thank you."

She chuckled at that. "Did you know that they make coffee flavored creamers?" she asked cheerfully. "Apparently it's meant to take the bitterness out of regular coffee, but I noticed it makes your milk drink taste a bit more authentic. I thought you might like it. I was going to try to sneak you a cup in the hospital ward, but Recovery Girl caught me and told me you'd been discharged earlier today. I had a feeling you'd hang around campus for a while, and I hoped I'd find you before you went home."

His confusion must have been evident on his face, because she laughed softly. "You look like I just sprouted a second head. What's wrong?"

Quietly he replied, "Why?"

She leaned forward, elbows on the table and chin resting on her interlocked fingers. "I didn't know if you liked tea. You're a surprisingly close-lipped man. I only really had your coffee-flavored milk to work with. The rest of the creamer is in the fridge, by the way. I put your name on it."

Shaking his head in bafflement, he ran his thumb over the mug's smooth logo. He cleared his throat. "No," he clarified. "I'm sorry. I meant why were you looking for me? Just to give me a cup of coffee?"

"Can't a girl come around to say thank you to her impromptu partner?" she purred. At his lack of response, she continued a bit more seriously, "Anyway, you never got to finish your drink at the café. I figured I at very least owed you a new one… Yagi-san." She hesitated a bit on the name, as though uncertain if she should still be using that or not when they were alone, and finally settled on just adding the honorific. Then, she seemed to suddenly realize that he was pointedly avoiding looking at her, choosing instead to stare intently at the large mug, dwarfed in his even larger hands. "Is something wrong?"

He cleared his throat. "I'm fine," he replied automatically, finally looking back up at her, and sidestepping the question, as he was wont to do. "And you can just call me Yagi… or Toshinori if you want."

She cocked her head to the side curiously. "Is that your real name then? I just assumed it was an alias since you use it so openly. It feels strange calling you that, now that I know who you really are."

Toshinori studied her carefully, but there was no waver in her expression. Her smile hadn't dropped, and gradually Toshinori began to relax.

A small smile of his own twitched his lips. "Yeah," he replied in his rough voice. "That's my real name. It isn't well known, so I've mostly been able to keep under the radar with it."

"Ah." She motioned to him vaguely, keeping her voice low. "And is this your real...?"

He knew what she meant. "Yes," he replied, tensing again. "This is what I am now." He adjusted the too loose suit collar absently. Glancing away he added, "I wasn't always in this rough of shape, if that's what you're wondering."

"I wasn't, actually. But now I am." She leaned forward, her pale eyes wide and interested. "What happened?"

His brow furrowed in puzzlement. Why does she care? She didn't seem like she was just interested in the gossip that was bound to spread if anyone found out about his poor health. It was almost as though she actually just cared about… him. He snorted softly, shoving that idea out of his mind. He had known her for less than an hour. This was how starved for attention he'd gotten. He was imagining friendships where there was merely curiosity.

Still… there was no reason he couldn't tell her at least some of the truth of what had happened to him. He owed her that much, didn't he? He put on his show smile. The one that announced to the world that everything was all right and made him feel braver than he actually was. His media smile. "It's nothing that exciting," he replied firmly in a stronger, more confident voice. "I was in a huge battle about five years ago. Let's just say it didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Since then I've been dealing with the injuries I received. That's all." He flashed her another reassuring grin.

Kayama didn't bite. Her expression was unimpressed, lips pursed in distaste and a single dark eyebrow arching as she tilted her head slightly to the side. "What was that supposed to be?" she asked calmly.

"I—" Toshinori gaped at her, his pasted on smile dropping and the smooth bravado fading from his voice. "I'm sorry, but what do you—?"

"Why are you being," she motioned to him expressively, "like that?" She shook her head in mild disgust. "This isn't the same Yagi Toshinori I enjoyed talking to at the café."

"I'm sorry...What?" he asked, coughing a bit in his surprise.

She motioned vaguely at him. "See? Now that's better. This is the man I buy coffee for. Don't make me talk to All Might." She flashed him a teasing smile. "He's just the one I try to set up with my desperate friends."

He began sputtering helplessly, causing her to chuckle softly. Then, before he knew what was happening, her expression turned more serious, and she leaned forward to gently take one of his thin hands in hers. His eyes widened at her unexpected touch and he fell silent.

"I get it," she said quietly before he could properly find words to respond. "We all have our safe place. Yamada hides behind his voice. I've got my persona. You have All Might… the smiles and bravado… all of that. And there's a time and place for retreating there." She squeezed his hand tightly. "But I'm not an enemy. Sure I'm still pissed at you for lying, and you're going to make that up to me somehow. But I promise that we can talk as Toshinori and Nemuri, not All Might and Midnight. If you want to, that is." She smiled at his quiet shock. "So let's try this again, Toshinori." She looked him straight in the eye as she used his given name for the first time. "What happened to hurt you like this?"

His bright blue eyes locked with hers for a long moment before he managed a small genuine smile as his eyes dropped silently to the hand gently holding his. She was the first person other than Tsukauchi and Recovery Girl to voluntarily make physical contact with him, damaged as he was. It was a strange feeling. He finally spoke in a quiet, tired voice devoid of all the exuberance and showmanship of All Might. "I can't tell you everything, Kayama-san." His voice sounded worn and faded to his own ears.

"Kayama is fine. Or Nemuri, if you'd like. Take your pick." She bowed her head, hiding her face from his view and took a deep breath. "Look, I understand. There are things that I can't really talk about either. People and situations that are just too… much." She paused at that, pausing for a long moment as though to reset her own turbulent thoughts. "Why don't you just tell me what you can? Who knows? It might be cathartic."

He nodded. "All right." He turned away, coughing lightly and using this as an excuse to pull his hand gently from her grip as he grabbed a small handkerchief from his pocket. Yes, it had been nice for a moment, but this entire situation was fast becoming more personal than he could process without All Might to hide behind.

She seemed to understand, silently withdrawing her hand.

Finally, as he tucked the handkerchief back into his pocket, he replied softly, "There isn't really much to say. I took on an enemy that I wasn't ready to face." He chuckled a dry, humorless laugh. "Honestly, I would never have been ready to face him. No one could be. He had already destroyed so many lives. Then he killed someone that I cared about. I couldn't save her." His jaw tightened. "He mocked me with it and I... wanted revenge." His eyes closed and he rubbed at them.

He heard the sharp intake of her breath at those words, and he inwardly cringed. Of course she's horrified. What hero operates on revenge? Still, he went on, determined to finish before he couldn't.

"While I was distracted by his words, he managed to get past my defenses and dealt me a near fatal blow. I reciprocated. My attack was more effective."

"You killed him?" she breathed.

Toshinori nodded. "Yes. I killed him." He made no defense, instead simply adding, "There are a number of reasons this wasn't made public, obviously."

He wasn't able to make eye contact with her after that. He still firmly, absolutely, believed that it had been necessary for the protection of society. However that didn't change the self-disgust he felt at being unable to resolve the situation without resorting to the taking of a human life, however warped and distorted that life had become.

Kayama was silent for a long moment before responding in a quiet voice, "I understand. Sometimes you have to sacrifice one villain's life to save everyone else. It's not a choice anyone wants to make, but sometimes it's the only viable option. As long as we don't lose our humanity in the choice, right?"

Nezu's words came back to Toshinori powerfully, jarring him. "Katsura Kogoro… He was credited with stating that it was worth sacrificing one life to save a million others." How many different ways were that dead statesman's words going to haunt him?

He slowly looked up, surprised to see her faintly smiling, her eyes somewhat distant and glassy.

"And sometimes we have a hard time thinking rationally after we've lost someone we care about. The pain can become a monster all of its own." She picked up a pen on the table, fidgeting with it thoughtfully. "I understand better than you can know, Toshinori."

"Thank you." His voice was barely a whisper. Something about her pained expression reminded him of Aizawa in that moment. "Kayama," he started cautiously, "are you…?" He trailed off, unsure of what to even say. This wasn't someone who needed or even wanted All Might's help, and the conversation by now had strayed far outside of his comfort zone by now. He began absently tugging at his bangs again, leaving the question incomplete.

She didn't respond, instead rhythmically clicking the pen open and shut, open and shut, as she stared out the empty staff room window. Finally, after the silence began to stretch for too long, she asked, "So, Toshinori, exactly how bad was your near fatal injury?"

The abrupt change, especially to that topic, startled him so much that he tugged too hard on his hair and hissed in pain. Rubbing the sore spot on his head, it took him a moment to fully process the question. Unable to find his voice to respond, however, silently, using his free left hand, he pulled his suit coat back and pulled up his shirt, revealing the mutilated scar on the left side of her body.

The pen Kayama had been fidgeting with clattered to the table as she covered her mouth in horror. "Oh my god…"

His words were detached—matter of fact—as though he were simply a doctor reading notes jotted on a chart rather than the miraculous survivor of a devastating attack. "My respiratory system was torn apart. I have one mostly-functional lung left. My stomach is gone along with a couple other organs and some ribs and muscle that were too damaged to save. And of course there are some side-effects due to my missing pieces as well. For instance, having to give up my coffee, … and most of my stamina." He shrugged, clearing his throat as his voice caught a bit. He sipped at the coffee again, trying to keep down the metallic taste he felt rising in his throat and seeping into his mouth. "It's hard to keep up a body when this much of it is missing," he rasped, "so this is what's left of me now."

He coughed into his elbow just then, and dabbed the blood from the corner of his mouth.

She stared at him as he cleaned up and put the handkerchief away. Then, very quietly, she asked, "Toshinori, will you promise to answer me honestly if I ask you something?"

"I don't lie, Kayama-san." He grinned a bit recklessly, the old twinkle returning briefly to his eyes. "I just tend to skip details."

"Call me Nemuri. Please."

After a beat he amended, "Nemuri."

She reached forward, the tips of her fingers touching his own scarred knuckles once again. "Are you dying?" She looked him straight in the eye.

He smiled tiredly. "We're all dying, Nemuri. Some of us are just more efficient at it."

Her brows furrowed. "Why are you still fighting, Toshinori? Why don't you just retire?"

Toshinori pulled his hand away and busied himself with fixing his shirt again as he replied simply, "People depend on me. I can't just let them down."

"You're going to get yourself killed."

"Probably." He met her gaze.

"I'm not okay with that."

He froze in the middle of tugging his suit coat back into place. Rather than respond, he picked up the cup again and brought it to his lips to take another sip. He closed his eyes, inhaling the comforting aroma and enjoying the real flavor again for the first time in years. The coffee tasted wonderful, and he was again deeply touched by the gesture. Gently, but firmly, he replied, "Don't worry about me, I'm already preparing for the death of All Might. I don't intend to let Japan devolve into chaos when I'm gone. I only need a little more time to set things into motion. Until then, I'll do what I can. I promise."

"You don't have to kill yourself for us, All Might," she insisted, catching his attention with the use of his hero name. "No one is asking you to do that."

"Ah," he breathed softly. "But giving help that's needed, even when it's not asked for… that's what makes a true hero, isn't it?" He slowly pulled himself to his feet then. Pushing the chair in, he picked up the mug and offered her a small bow of gratitude. "Thank you for this, Nemuri. I appreciate it." He flashed her his faded smile and added, "And I'm glad you're all right. I'll try not to cause you any more trouble." Carrying his cup in one hand and gathering his papers in the other, he made a small wave and retreated to the door.


Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it! Also, I appreciate any feedback you're willing to provide:) Thanks also to my beta, lolo popoki for making this chapter readable:P

Finally, a note on the bang tugging fidget of Toshi's. I got this idea from Krisington's excellent fic, "Of Fingernails and Bangs." You really should check it out. It's some really sweet DadMight content:D

Sincerely,
Sirius:)