Chapter 4: Subaru's Emilia

Emilia's fitful slumber was interrupted by all-consuming shadows. Even the field where Geuse had been driven mad and Fortuna murdered by said madman had been consumed. The grass beneath her and the sky above her insidiously blotted out by slowly crawling tendrils of nothingness. Before long Emilia stood alone in an abyss that seemed to consume even sound itself-even her own breath inaudibly extinguished. Even if she were to yell at the top of her lungs, all that would resound in the space around her would be silence.

A figure slowly began to emerge in the distance, wrapped in shadows that rippled about amongst the shadows-cloaked in shadows darker than what had seemed the darkest void. Slowly the shadow clad figure approached, its overwhelming aura bearing down on Emilia. Unbeknownst to her, Emilia's knees caved inwards as she trembled in place. Before long she could make out a face in the distance, a face framed by silver-hair and amethyst eyes. And although it was a bit older, it was a face Emilia had grown to hate seeing.

"Are you...," Emilia struggled to squeeze out a sentence, the overwhelming weight of the darkness around her having squished the very air out of her.

"Yes, I am Satella."

Time froze for Emilia. Standing before her was the unfathomable witch who had consumed half the world in shadows. Standing before her was the reason she had been hated. Standing before her was the person she should hate above all others. And Emilia would have indeed hated her, had there not been tears pouring down the Witch's cheeks.

As sad yet kind purple eyes cast their gaze upon Emilia, the unbearable pressure that had been weighing down upon her vanished. The shadows surrounding the witch receded, slowly merging with the abyss around them, and a black dress with yellow flowers adorning it could now be seen. A face which should have held breathtaking beauty was marred by puffy eye-lids and blood stained eyes. The witch's figure which had seemed so imposing just mere moments ago was visibly trembling, her face twisted in anguish. This was a face Emilia was sure she had worn more than a few times. So she did the one thing she'd always wanted someone to do when she had trembled in loneliness all by herself, she walked up to the Witch of Envy and drew her into a hug.

Given the height difference it was an awkward, unwieldy embrace, but as Satella fell to her knees Emilia was finally able to draw her in properly. Satella went stiff in Emilia's embrace, and a few sobs later took a long, deep breath.

"Sorry, I wasn't prepared to see that that was how Aunt Fortuna died." Emilia was struck speechlessly bewildered by Satella's apology.

"Mom was…" Emilia trailed off her head spinning in confusion.

"Yes, although she was just a kid many years my younger, she was my Aunt," Satella's expression grew somewhat wistful as she talked about Fortuna.

"Then you and I are…," as Emilia trailed off Satella took over, "Not quite the same person."

"You were created as a vessel intended as an identical body for my soul to possess. Although we may share a body and our genetics, your soul and mind are your own." Emilia struggled to parse the unfamiliar language.

Taking pity on her Satella sought to simplify the explanation, "Think of me as an older twin who has caused you all too much hardship."

"Then are you going to…" Emilia had begun to tremble ever so slightly as she pulled apart from Satella in fear that her body was about to be taken. The only thing keeping her in place was the gentleness in her counterpart's gaze.

"No. I have no intention of troubling you or the world anymore." There was a soft conviction in Satella's voice that Emilia couldn't help but believe.

"Then why was I created?" Emilia couldn't restrain the obvious question, a wary anxiousness gripping her soul and her outward expression.

"I can't remember. My knowledge of the world is limited from having been sealed for 400 years. To make matters worse, splitting off from my other half has left my memories of those years in pieces." Though morose Satella did not seem entirely upset with having lost a large portion of her memory.

"Other half?"

"When I took in the Witch Factor of Envy my mind was split into two, and the other side went insane and caused a lot of damage. This is the fate of one who is not compatible with an authority. Geuse suffered the same fate." The last statement nearly brought Emilia to tears.

Emilia had been wondering just what had driven the kind Geuse to kill Fortuna. In many ways she had idealized Geuse and Fortuna's relationship as how a married couple should be, even if the two of them had been too stubborn to actually admit it. Still if the Witch Factor, whatever that was, could drive Geuse to insanity, lead to Satella nearly destroying the world, just what would happen to her if she happened to take one in? Would she freeze the whole world? If she was meant to be a copy of the Witch, did that mean she had the potential to become one herself?

"It's alright you're not me. As you are now, I have no worries about you ending up like me. Our souls are completely different. Your magical affinity is fire, while mine is yin. You are loved by the world's spirits, while I had a poor affinity with the spirit arts. You are Fortuna's daughter, and I was her doting niece."

The deathly silence was broken by an unexpected question, "How is Subaru-kun doing?"

Emilia's only response was a startled, "Eh!?"

"I hadn't meant to bring Subaru-kun to this world as abruptly as I did, I wanted to make sure he arrived okay. The only memories of yours I've seen so far are the ones you just remembered so…" Satella trailed off her face red with nervous apprehension.

"YOU brought him here!?" Emilia's eyes were wide with shock. Both hope and uneasiness whirled about in her gut. She might be able to find out if Subaru could ever return home or not; however, if he could be returned home he might leave her. Shaking off her thoughts, she slapped her hands on her thighs and focused on what Satella had to say, her face bright with steadfast earnestness.

"400 years ago I was very close with another time line's Subaru. Much like you and I are different, YOUR Subaru and MY Subaru are different people. Still the part of me consumed by Envy either doesn't understand or doesn't care, and intended to bring an older Subaru to this world. The circumstances under which she planned to summon him were...horrific though. My interference with the summoning led to Subaru being summoned from and to a different time and it was my wish that he be somewhere that I could see him again that brought him to you."

Emilia wordlessly tried to process Satella's explanation. She had no idea what a time line was. But if there were other worlds, perhaps there was more than one world with a Natsuki Subaru in it. If that was the case were there other worlds with other Emilias? Just the thought gave her a headache. There was one nagging detail in the explanation though.

"Why would bringing Subaru to me allow you to see him again?" Emilia pressed her once sympathetic expression now guarded.

"The only way for me to break free and counter my other half was to splinter myself off and house myself within you. In doing so I intended to break you from Pandora's restraints. I don't know what she intends, but if the possibility exists that she intends to revive me as the Witch of Envy I cannot allow that to come to pass." A faint conviction lit up Satella's eyes.

"So you're why I can remember now?"

"Yes, as a potential vessel for myself I could not leave you to face the Witch Cult unaware. I am sorry that I had to resurface such sad memories though." Satella's face was twisted in genuine remorse.

"No don't be. For these memories and for letting Subaru and I meet-for those I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To know that I had family that loved me-to have someone who likes me for me-to me there could be no greater treasure." Emilia spoke from the bottom of her heart. She still had many conflicting feelings about the former witch before her, but to know that she wasn't always alone-to no longer be alone-for Emilia who was well acquainted with loneliness there could be nothing more important. As much as it hurt to relive those unfortunate events from around 100 years ago, regaining all those precious moments with Fortuna, Geuse, and Archi filled her with an almost unfathomable warmth.

For someone who valued companionship so-as much as it would hurt her-Emilia had to ask, "Is it possible for Subaru to return home?"

"No," Emilia couldn't help but hate that something so sad for Subaru could bring her relief, "in separating myself I lost much of my power."

A brief pause later Satella continued, "Much of what I could take with me was used up establishing a contract between myself, my other self, Subaru, and yourself."

"You are to be immune to the effects of the authority of Envy, Subaru is to be protected by the authority of Envy, and Subaru's protection must allow him to be able to save you. I gave almost everything I had to control my madened self long enough to establish those three conditions. So even if I knew how, I would longer have the power to return Subaru. My other self is too caught up in her envy towards anyone else capable of being near Subaru to allow him to be stripped from this world." There was a measure of both sadness and satisfaction in Satella's explanation.

Fissures of light began to pierce through the darkness and the boundary of shadows that surrounded them began to crack. Emilia's eyes went wide in panic as the world before her seemed to be ending.

"It seems you are waking up. We can talk more some other night, when you've had some time to figure things out." Emilia vanished from the world of dreams before she could get a word in, in response.

Satella was left all alone in a world filled with nothing but her shadows. Her picturesque face marred by sadness and self-disgust.

"Just how shameful have I become, that I need to use two children as an accessory to my own suicide?". The words merely echoed about, feeling as if even the world around her were condemning her.

"To make it worse, I lied to the little sister that I've come begging to fix my sins."

And so she had, the "contract" binding them had not been fully disclosed. To be immune to Envy's authority as it saved Subaru from death, required that person to be closely tied to Subaru's od. Beyond the consequences of some sharing of magic, it was an unreasonable intimacy to force on someone unknowingly. In many ways it wasn't dissimilar to forming a contract with a spirit allowing the sharing of mana. Even more she had never explained the mechanism by which Subaru was protected, nor the consequences of revealing such.

The reason she had hid those details was at its most basic level kindness and sympathy. It was her dearest wish that Subaru should never need to return by death. Should her desire be realized, there would never be a reason for them to need to know. Satella wanted to protect the innocence of the two children in her care for as long as she could. It was unfortunate that the gap between wishes and reality is often unrelentingly cruel. It was also a sad truth that actions borne from kindness are sometimes twisted into cruelty by an unkind world.

Uncharacteristically Emilia awoke snappishly. Her eyes opened wide, as her pulse pounded in her ears. As she went to wipe the sweat from her forehead she noticed that one of her hands was trapped in a firm grasp.

She turned to Subaru hunched over in a chair next to her. He was passed out, his head limply hanging to one side. It appeared that had held her hand and watched over her all night long.

She smiled softly, before frowning. Subaru had been stabbed in the leg yesterday, and yet he had spent all night watching over and worrying about her rather than resting and getting off the leg. Yet another person who had gotten hurt while spoiling her.

Fortuna and many of the elves had died protecting her. The rules that had hidden her away in the Princess Room, rules clearly meant to protect her and prevent such an attack, she had scoffed at them and resented the loving people that had imposed them on her. Perhaps if only she'd kept her promises with Mom…

Still many of the elves had not been killed, she had frozen them on accident. If she could thaw the ones she froze, then perhaps she could atone by having saved the elves that weren't slaughtered.

Then there was the bigger question, did she actually meet with the Witch of Envy in her dreams? It seemed difficult to think so, and even more absurd to think that the witch would have any association with Subaru.

She shook her head, as if to shake the thoughts loose. She unclasped her hand from Subaru's, climbed out of bed and gently picked up his limp body. Slowly and tenderly, trying not to wake him, she placed him in the bed and pulled the covers over him.

Oddly enough Subaru didn't seem to be cold. Normally he would have been shivering had he slept uncovered like that, but today he seemed to be doing relatively okay. Still knowing him, he'd almost certainly barely slept last night and clearly needed the rest. If she'd left him as he was Emilia was sure that his neck would "reaally hurt" the next day.

Making a sheet of ice, Emilia gazed at her reflection on purpose for the first time in a long time. Her appearance took her aback, she looked notably different than she remembered. Just how long had she been here, doing nothing, polishing the frozen statues, living aimlessly.

She gazed into her own amethyst eyes, and glanced up to her silver hair. How could she hate them when they were things she shared with her beloved mother? The thing that brought her disgust now was her gaze.

Her mother's gaze had been fierce, determined, and strong. Subaru's were often the same, when he was upset on her half his eyes were so fierce she was sure even the fiercest beast would cower before him. When he stood by her side yesterday, his eyes had had no doubt. When he carried her home yesterday, she was sure there had been nothing but determination in his gaze.

But her gaze-all she could see was weakness and resignation. Perhaps that was the real reason she had avoided her own reflection, not that that she hated her resemblance to the witch (problematic as it was), but rather disgust at who she was-a selfish girl who had gotten everyone she loved hurt and who had pitied herself rather than trying to fix any of it.

If Puck, Subaru, Fortuna, or anyone she'd ever known had heard her thoughts, they would be able to tell Emilia that she was misjudging herself entirely. The softness in her eyes wasn't weakness-it was kindness. The dullness in her eyes wasn't resignation-it was sadness. Her "selfish" desires to help everyone around her no matter how much they hated her-was only selfish in how it's selflessness mocked everyone else's selflessness. However Emilia was all alone in her thoughts right now, and as such there was no one to tell her otherwise.

Emilia spent hours gazing outside feeling numb. Snowflakes were lazily falling and drifting about, blanking out the world in whiteness. This too was her fault. This unthawing frozen forest was her doing. She was the one that had robbed this forest of its color, painted it and herself white-painted it the color of her character.

Emilia was shocked out of her thoughts when a hand fell on her shoulder, "Subaru! What are you doing up already?"

"I could feel you having a meltdown all the way over there. I think that's what woke me up." Subaru gave her an awkward grin that quickly became subdued when she didn't return it.

"Meltdown?" There was a slight upwards intonation at the end of an otherwise dead tone.

"Yeah. You know letting something get out of control and keep going 'till you're about to explode, or something like that." Subaru cast her a knowing glance.

"I wouldn't say that's what it is. I was just remembering my mom, how amazing she was-and how much I don't measure up. I-," Emilia's thoughts were cut off by Subaru.

"Okay! Stop! Stop!" Subaru yelled out while crossing both arms.

"I knew I was an idiot, but I didn't think you were that silly too," Emilia looked almost affronted but Subaru paid it no heed.

"You know I looked up to my dad a lot. I wanted to be just like him. I tried my best to act like him, to do all the things he could do." Subaru took a halting pause.

"I couldn't measure up at all. Everyone liked Dad, but I couldn't make any friends. He was amazing at so many things, and I failed at everything I thought I could be good at. Even the few successes I had were just what was expected of 'his son.'" Subaru's face was twisted by a slight grimace before his eyes began to water ever so slightly.

"But you know getting pulled away from Mom and Dad I realized something-they still loved me just as much as I admired them. Mom was always telling me to stop being so hard on myself, but I let it go in one ear and out the other. Dad was always going on about silly stuff like whether I'd met a girl I liked or not yet, when he was really just trying to get me to open up. And in return for all their concern I just ran around goofing off and running away from everything. If my parents could love someone as ungrateful and worthless as me, I'm sure that as amazing as you are you've got nothing to worry about." A few tears trailed down Subaru's cheeks as he re-lived bittersweet memories of the parents he might never meet again.

"Still, I was the reason…" her soft voice trailed off before ramping into an aggrieved yell. "...it was because of me that she was killed! It was because of me that the village was attacked! It was because of me that the elves and this forest have been frozen! Everything is my fault, and rather than try and fix what I can, I've spent all my time moping around!"

Emilia's yells grew raspy, her amethyst eyes overflowing with tears. Subaru, however, intervened before the rant could continue, "There's no way that that's true." Subaru's own voice had grown to a shout in order to be heard.

"Stop trying to be so nice! Stop trying to spoil me! You know how dangerous I am, if I had made the slightest mistake I could have killed you yesterday." Her raspy scream barely exited her throat as her voice gave out ever so slightly. Just the thought of someone daring to be nice to her, daring to tell her it wasn't her fault was infuriating. She didn't even know why, and that frustrated her all the more.

What Emilia was feeling was a conundrum that was all too familiar to Subaru. Whenever he had acted out, a part of him deep down had wanted his parents to be mad at or disappointed in him. They never did of course, they kept on supporting him; they kept on loving him. An older Subaru might have been able to process this and keep a level head and understand. But Subaru was not an adult, he wasn't even a teenager. As such he could not cross the gap between knowing and understanding, and was left with an unyielding frustration and desire to make Emilia's self blame go away.

"You're dangerous? To me? That's ridiculous, without you I'd have been dead the day I got here! You're not dangerous at all, I practically owe you my life!" Subaru's frustrated shouts did not yield the result he wanted.

"That debt was more than repaid," Emilia's tone was flat, almost dead. Her eyes lit faintly with some sort of realization. Taking a gaze at Subaru, Emilia seemed to come to some sort of decision. Stifling a sob she turned towards the door, as if to run away from Subaru.

"I'm not letting you go off on your own when you're like that," a frantic sternness colored Subaru's voice as he grabbed onto her arm.

"Let go! Let me go!" Emilia was shaking her head frantically. She began to attempt to tug her arm free from Subaru's grasp.

"Not until you calm down!" Subaru grasped on with both holds and began to pull with all his might trying to keep her from running off.

Panicking Emilia began to flail her arm about violently trying to shake Subaru loose. The swinging of her arm was violent enough that before long Subaru's grip broke loose and he was flung into a wall on the other side of the room. Aside from the thud of his impact and the pained groan that followed, silence suddenly fell upon the abode.

The weight of the silence left Emilia's legs trembling as if she might collapse. Her eyes were wide open trembling in shock. Tremors wracked her entire body, and the moment Subaru began to pull himself back from the floor, her legs folded in on themselves and she crumbled to the floor, just barely catching herself with her arms.

With a pained groan Subaru pulled himself back on to his feet. As he glanced over to Emilia, he saw her collapsed figure hunched in on itself. In between wracking sobs were quiet, almost whispered, words that he couldn't quite make out. Subaru slowly and gingerly walked up to her, his incompletely healed leg enduring shooting pains from where he had been stabbed yesterday. Ignoring the pain, Subaru crouched down and tried to check on Emilia.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…" A litany of apologies poured out almost inaudibly.

Emilia's eyes were glassy and wide with fear. Her shaking had progressed to the point where it almost made her teeth chatter. The little anger and frustration Subaru felt quickly faded into concerned panic.

"Oi! Snap out of it!" Subaru's desperate cry was met with unchanging indifference.

Out of ideas Subaru put one hand on each of Emilia's shoulders and proceeded to literally try to shake her out of it. As her upper body was flung back and forth, she didn't even offer a token resistance. Not a single muscle even tensed up; she simply flopped about limply as she was shaken. But a mere couple seconds later, Subaru's wounded leg gave out and he collapsed face first into Emilia's lap with a cry of pain.

At the moment of impact a spark of lucidity defogged Emilia's eyes. A momentary blink later, "Subaru!?"

"Are you okay!? I-I didn't mean to-but you, and I'm soo sorry-" Subaru cut off Emilia's frantic and rapid yet stilted incoherent rambling. "As long as you're back here with me it's fine."

"But I-," Emilia tried to object.

"Weren't you the one that said it's better to be thanked than apologized to?"

Now that she was able to remember that it was Geuse who had taught her such, the nostalgic phrase brought a wan smile to her face and a dull ache to her chest. She gently flipped Subaru over, and arranged his wounded leg into a comfortable position.

"Thanking you for forgiving me for letting you get hurt again just seems wrong though." An ever so fleeting smile crossed Emilia's face.

"Then thank me for helping with the home improvement. My body imprint on the wall over there really gives the place character." A cheeky grin crossed Subaru's pained face.

"You're sooo mean sometimes," Emilia resisted the urge to punish Subaru by grabbing him by the ear. Despite the slight pout on her tear stained face, there was clear relief in her voice.

"Anyways can you help me up, I don't think my leg will let me on my own."

"I know this is a bit selfish, but could we stay like this for a while. I don't want to be alone." There was an unmistakable weight in that last sentence. To Emilia that sentiment was poisoned with the very height of selfishness-to keep Subaru at her side would be to risk him getting hurt or worse. Despite what Subaru thought, to be near her was dangerous. That was an inescapable truth.

"I'd say I'm the one that's getting spoiled here," Subaru acquiesced with his characteristic cheek.

The conviction on Subaru's face was bewildering to Emilia. He was constantly complimenting her, constantly trusting her, constantly spoiling her rotten.

"Honestly, I'd love to meet the me that lives in your head-she must be amazing," Emilia uttered unwillingly.

"There's no need to meet her; I'm looking right at her. And I'll keep telling her how awesome she is until the day she believes me." A quirky grin stretched across Subaru's face.

Subaru would indeed be telling her so for a long time. If Subaru was intent to look past everything wrong with her, then she would have to aspire to the greatness of the Emilia in his head, Subaru's Emilia. Even though Subaru's Emilia was indeed Emilia, just Emilia.

Afterword

Sorry for the delay I meant to have this out last Saturday or so, but between work, the lightning round of WN chapters, the election, the flooded basement...lets just say it didn't happen. I really had been hoping to advance the plot more than I did, but Emilia's difficulty coping came front and center, as it really ought to. I feel I spelt it out a little overly clearly, but I wonder if everyone can grasp just why Emilia felt like running away from Subaru mid-conversation.

This chapter I tease just a bit what Satella's motivations are, and the very events that thoroughly knock this story off the canon rails. I agonized over whether to go this way or not for quite a while, but the reason I want Satella in the story and Emilia aware of her is to explore Emilia's character. To have Emilia face the reason she is so hated and furthermore face the reason she hates her own appearance allows for such an interesting character exploration. As much as it seems a much happier path has been laid before our two protagonists, the concept of kind intentions turning cruel will very much be a haunting theme.

Honestly I've been going back and forth on whether I'm happy with my prose or not. My intent has been to let the characters' thoughts and dialogue come to the front, but I can't help but feel that a lot of the writing feels kind of dry. Curious whether this feels fine to you, or if this isn't just and impulse to add some unnecessary purple prose.

As far as review responses go.

This is rated M because before long this series will be just as dark as re zero proper, which is actually rated R. There is a lot of darkness in the world and Emilia and Subaru are going to have to confront a lot of it. If after the next couple chapters people still think a T rating is more appropriate I will change it.

As far as Subaru's apparent maturity. This one surprisingly arose naturally out of thinking how the character would be different under these circumstances. Much of Subaru's worst personality traits stem from the self-hatred that he stewed in for years. This Subaru has not reached those depths of self-hatred, he might not quite be happy with who he is but he doesn't hate himself. Nor has he delved into otaku culture and escapism like his older self had, thus his arrival into Lugnica seems much more grounded (that his surroundings were a lot less fantasy-esque also helps.) Kids can come across surprisingly mature on the surface, especially when they are trying to emulate an adult (Subaru's trying to emulate his father).

If you'd like to be responded to when reviewing please log in, while I happily approve and read all guest reviews I can't pm you a response.