Arc II: Shadows of the Past
Chapter 10: Giving Up Becomes a Habit
A mere moment after Emilia felt the skin melt off her bones, she bolted awake in a sweat. She was wrapped around Subaru in bed–or rather she would realize that if she could hear a single thought over the thundering of her heart. In a body-drenching sweat she quivered faintly and squeezed violently with her arms, almost as if trying to hug herself. However, she was unable to do so–the reason being a warm lump in her arms. Her gaze focusing as she shook off sleep and panic, she saw Subaru sleeping before her warm, face-intact, and breathing.
Emilia nestled her head furiously against Subaru's chest as she brought her ear as close to his heart as possible. Emilia shook and sobbed as she listened to–or rather let herself be consumed by–the sound of Subaru's beating heart. Subaru was here–she wasn't alone. Subaru was here–he wasn't dead in her arms. Had this been the first time Subaru had died she might have desperately written it off as a nightmare, but it wasn't. Whatever had happened last time, had just happened again.
As Emilia unwittingly tightened her bearhug once, Subaru was forcefully roused. While Emilia had been wide-awake as they died, Subaru had long been unconscious. Subaru's return to reality was more akin to shaking off the fog of sleep, only to realize then that something was trying to squeeze the life out of him.
"Emi, it's kind of hard to breathe," Subaru wheezed out.
Emilia's answer was to squeeze harder and start shaking her head against his chest. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened–Emilia had been having occasional nightmares ever since she had remembered how her mother had died. However, Subaru had never seen her quite like this–it was only as he wondered what happened that his stomach wrenched.
The last time he had died the memories had been vague, mere whisps. But this time around they were vivid. Remembering how the crazed Petelgeuse had tortured them, Subaru suddenly seized in place. It was for a different reason than Emilia's crushing embrace that Subaru could no longer catch his breath.
If they didn't figure out what was happening–they were going to die. If they couldn't figure out how Petelgeuse kept coming back to life–they were going to die. If they couldn't figure out why the forest caught on fire–they were going to die. If they couldn't get out of the forest–they were going to die. Every thought that spun about in Subaru's head boiled down to one idea–they were going to die.
Subaru didn't want to die. He didn't want to see his loved ones die. If he didn't want to die, they had to do something.
Subaru went to reach out and gently run his hands through Emilia's hair, but his arms were tightly fastened to his side by the trembling vise that was Emilia. Subaru understood, he wanted nothing more than to wail and scream himself, but they needed to do something.
"Emi," he called out to no response.
"Emilia," Subaru called out once more, injecting what meager sternness he could into his voice.
Subaru called her name time after time, but no matter how many times he tried he didn't get a response. No matter how desperately he squirmed, he couldn't break free of Emilia's superior strength. Out of ideas and deprived of his arms, Subaru took the only option he had left. He violently slammed his head against whatever part of Emilia's back he could reach.
Emilia let loose a high pitched squawk, as her grip loosened. Any words of complaint she might have spoken died on her lips as she watched Subaru greedily take in desperate breaths. As she detached herself, Subaru wrapped one arm around her and pulled her to his side after he sat up. Gently dragging a hand up and down her back, gently running it over the top of Emilia's hair.
As Emilia's breathing steadied ever so slightly and her trembling body stilled, Subaru searched for anything he could say–but not a single word came to mind. Should he tell her it'd be fine–that would be a lie. Should he tell her that they're okay–he certainly didn't feel okay, and she certainly didn't look okay. One thing he'd learned in his year with Emilia is that she hated lies–and right now any bit of comfort he could offer had to be a lie.
One of Emilia's quivering arms wrapped around his torso returning the sideways hug he'd dragged her into. Subaru relaxed thinking he had gotten through to her. But, before Subaru had a single moment to respond he found himself effortlessly hoisted over Emilia's shoulder.
"Oi," Subaru cried out as Emilia lept from the bed onto her feet.
Subaru lofted on her shoulder, not unlike a sack of tatoes, Emilia broke out into a sprint across the room. She did not slow down to deal with the front door, but rather violently batted it aside with her free hand with such force it was ripped off its hinges and launched fifteen or so meters from the house. Her path unimpeded Emilia's crazed dash hastened. In mere seconds Subaru was certain they were moving as fast as a car on the highway. The forest around him a white blur, the bitterly chilled air scraping across his face, as they darted off somewhere.
As Subaru tried to regain his bearings, he couldn't figure out where they were going. This wasn't the direction to Clarissa's house nor the village. It wasn't even the direction the fire had broken out in. Wriggling loose, Subaru inched forward enough that he could glimpse Emilia's face. Her pupils were wide, and her gaze set straight ahead–hazy and unfocused. The terrified look on her face convinced Subaru that he needed to snap Emilia out of whatever was going on.
For lack of a better idea he used Geodude to cast a small Dona on the path ahead to raise a small roadblock. As Emilia's foot caught on the elevated path, she was launched forward into a graceless tumble across the ground. Subaru, however, was turned into a human missile as Emilia lost her grip on him and he went flying from her shoulder. Subaru crashed face first into the snow covered landscape. With a groan Subaru rolled over, extracting his face from the snow. A bit gingerly, he ambled over to Emilia where she lay spread out in the snow in a daze. Clasping her hand, Subaru pulled her up and then he met her gaze with his own.
"Talk to me, Emi," Subaru made a simple, earnest plea.
And she did–or at least she attempted to do so. What came out was nothing less than a figurative word salad, disjointed phrases haphazardly scattered about with no real rhyme or reason. At many points Subaru wasn't quite sure that what he was hearing were even words, but he had gathered enough to understand what Emilia was trying to say.
"I understand, you're trying to get us out of the forest before everything happens. But are you sure that's what we should do?" Subaru's voice carried a non judgemental sharpness to it.
More than anyone Subaru understood giving up and running away from uncomfortable things. He wasn't even sure that it was the wrong choice to make. But Subaru understood better than anyone the pain of giving up–he understood better than anyone how much Emilia would regret the choice.
"I..I," Emilia was brought from frantic babbling to coherent speechlessness. Her doe-like eyes quavering, but understanding.
Subaru and Emilia weren't the only ones in danger. Clarissa would be a target, the village was in danger, and if the forest burnt down all of the frozen elves would die. It was even possible that Puck himself would be in danger due to whatever kept him away and burned her alive last time.
"What can we do!?" Emilia yelled at Subaru for what might be the first time he could remember.
"If we stay, you'll die again," Emilia shrilly rasped, "everyone will die in front of me again!"
"We don't know that, maybe we can't fight that guy off, but we can try and get as many people out as possible," Subaru offered the only answer he could think of without lying–however meager it was.
Emilia violently shook her head, "The longer we take, the more likely he'll catch up to us. If we try to do anything you'll…you'll…"
"There's also the matter of the frozen elves, if we run away they'll die in the fire," Subaru gently tried to remind Emilia.
Her gaze cast aside meekly, Emilia bitterly rejected the proposal in an unintended sotto voce, "They're all dead anyways. I killed them, but I can…I can…"
The unspoken phrase was likely, "save you." The weight of the phrase felt quite uncanny, Subaru couldn't shake the impression that the words should have bounced off his tongue instead. It was a bitter poison, however, everyone that would die without their help would have been sacrificed for Subaru–a thought utterly incongruent with Subaru's very essence. Subaru had run time and again to his own detriment–but the thought of running away and hurting other people was loathsome.
"Emilia, I've been down this road before. We can't do anything so we'll run away. It's not our fault; we couldn't help it. It'll happen again–we'll run again. Eventually we'll be so used to giving up–that we don't even think about it. Giving up becomes a habit."
Biting self-derision gnawed at Subaru's well-intentioned warning as he spoke. Subaru, who could normally scarcely bring himself to even mildly upset Emilia, steeled his resolve to be as harsh as it took to keep Emilia from turning herself into as big of a waste as him.
"Then what SHOULD we do!?" Emilia wailed.
"I can't save them! Why can't I try and save the little bit of happiness I have left! Everyone outside of this forest hates me–they despise me…I can't give up the only people that matter to me to save people I killed a long time ago…" Emilia shouted nearly nose to nose with Subaru, her begging eyes staring directly into his.
"Saving the frozen elves…that was nothing more than a selfish wish…to make it so it wasn't my fault…"
"And what's wrong with that!?" Subaru roared back, closing the meager distance between them even more.
"When something happens that we think we could have prevented, of course we try to make it better. Wanting to make things right is what makes people good. Something being selfish doesn't make it wrong! If taking care of people and keeping people around you happy makes you happy, then go ahead and be the greediest girl in the world."
"Doing that will just hurt you and everyone around me!" The vehemence of Emilia's refusal heated to the point she was practically spitting on Subaru.
"Then do it! Friends hurt together, struggle together, and smile together." Subaru pleaded with Emilia.
"Am I just supposed to let you get hurt over and over for me! You were mutilated and Clarissa had her eye ripped out! Maybe she won't remember and it'll all be okay, but you'll remember. Everything that happened to you won't go away." Emilia practically squealed as her eyes watered.
"If that's what it takes to make everything right…then I'm okay with that," Subaru affirmed with only the slightest hesitation.
"But, I'm not! I'd never ask for that!" Emilia viciously rejected the thought, looking at Subaru with anger for perhaps the first time.
"Out of this whole world you were the only who ever chose–who probably will ever choose me. When I spent my days tied down by guilt and loneliness–you were the one who drug me out of it and made me live my life again. Whenever I felt that I had no one in this world–you were the one that would come up to me and put a smile on my face. When I didn't think there was a place for me in this world–it was you who showed me that I could still make one for myself. When I don't know what to do–you're the one that grabs me by the hand and pulls me onwards. When I have a nightmare–you're the one that hugs it away. You mean the world to me Subaru. The one thing I refuse to do is watch you get hurt, especially if it's my fault."
Emilia gazed at him tenderly, her teary eyes seemingly begging him to understand. Wanting him to understand he was asking her to do the one thing she would not do.
"Emilia, I'm not the only one who'll choose to be your friend, you have Puck and Clarissa–" Subaru's gentle entreaty was shot down.
"Puck was looking for me before he even knew me, and Clarissa would have run away in fear the day she met me. You were the only person to ever see me for me. You've given me much more than I can ever give back, at least let me look after you properly." Emilia's voice had cooled down and was at this point a desperate beg.
Subaru shook his head, there was one thing that absolutely needed to be said, "Emilia, someone being your friend isn't something you owe them for. The only cost for friendship is returning it."
Seizing the opportunity in her silence Subaru pressed onwards.
"My friendship with you was the first genuine friendship I ever had. You were the first person who ever looked at me as Subaru and not my dad's son. The very first day I arrived here you saved my life, gave me a home–and you didn't ask for a single thing in return. If we want to talk about debts between us, I'm pretty sure I'm bankrupt at this point. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to see you or any of our friends get hurt. But it's because we're friends that I'm willing to get hurt. The one thing I refuse to do is give up on the people that matter to me. I've spent my whole life before I got here giving up and quitting, I'm breaking that habit. I'm not letting fall to the level I once was."
"Just what can we even do?" Emilia pressed, her voice drained.
"I don't know, but if we don't put our heads together we're never going to figure it out!" Subaru urged.
"What were you going to do, just run out of the forest with me? What about Clarissa and Puck, even if we can't do anything else we need to at least figure that out!"
Subaru's rant froze Emilia in her tracks, she hadn't even thought of that. She hadn't thought of much of anything to be honest. Even now, she could barely hear Subaru over the thundering of her pulse.
As she took ragged breaths, Subaru asked his first question, "Do you know what happened to Puck?"
"I-I think I do. After you were wounded I froze a lot of the forest, and a very powerful fire spirit came to kill me. I'm pretty sure Puck was trying to keep him away from us." A subtle strength buoyed Emilia's fragile voice.
"Do you think the forest fire was their fight getting out of hand?" Subaru questioned trying to connect the dots.
At Emilia's nod, Subaru decided to run with the idea. If they had Puck, Subaru was certain they could deal with Geuse. There was just one problem.
"Do you think we can find Puck?" Subaru met Emilia's gaze with inhumanly steely eyes.
Emilia shook her head, Puck's biggest fault had always been that he was never around when it mattered most. He would come and leave on his own accord without a single hint. Emilia had little hope that Puck would be easily found.
Subaru however thought differently, "Hold on, we know what direction the fire started."
"If we head that way there's no way we can miss a fight that big," Subaru's expression lightened at the thought.
Afterall, he and Emilia were quite good at making use of the mana around them with Puck's spirit arts coaching. As long as Puck and the other spirit were close in power, they should be able to turn the tide of the battle with the sheer amount of magic available to them. If he and Emilia could take the life of some of Petelgeuse's bodies then Puck should have no problem destroying the maniac. Subaru immediately felt calmer, having thought of a clear path to victory.
"All we have to do is make sure Puck wins and the problem's solved." Subaru finished outlining his thoughts.
Emilia smiled faintly at the thought. Subaru had a habit of being right about these kinds of things. She was the more able of the two physically and magically, but it was always Subaru that knew things could be done and found a way. There was no one in the world she trusted more. She would just trust that Subaru could do it, and she'd be the one making sure everyone in their family got out of this alive. Afterall, if she'd had the courage to trust Mother Fortuna and leave the forest then perhaps Mother Fortuna wouldn't have died trying to protect her…
Shaking that errant thought away she firmly grasped Subaru's hand and started walking.
"Wait where are we going?" Subaru sputtered in confusion.
"To Clarissa's, we can't leave her there to be found by those men," Emilia's voice took on her motherly scolding tone she was wont to use on occasion.
If Emilia could gaze into a mirror right now she would be quite pleased, her eyes had hardened with focus such that she had never resembled Fortuna more. As much as she hated it, Subaru was right if they didn't get everybody out and protect the frozen elves she would regret it. She would not let what happened last time happen again–it was all her fault after all. If she hadn't been so frightened to let her power loose she would have been able to stop Petelgeuse, or rather she had been able to after it was too late. She'd been too afraid and too ready to give up. Grasping the hand of her closest companion–her hesitation cleared. Emilia couldn't give up because there were people counting on her. If the world wanted to call her a witch and take them away–then she would have to teach them to fear a witch's wrath. There was no worse hell than watching the people you love tortured, and Emilia would rather die than watch it happen again.
Author's Notes:
Sorry it's been so long guys. Real life and writing burnout (from non-fanfiction stuff) became a thing. Since the last chapter I finished my capstone project and graduated with my MS in Data Analytics and found and started a job as an Implementation Analyst. I ended up writing a 50 or so page report on my project along with actually doing the project over a 7 week period (including the processing, analysis, and cleaning of over 100 GB of raw data). Got pretty burnt out and then a new job, trying to move, and a whole bunch of other things kept me busy.
I'd really hoped to come back with a longer entry, but I don't think making this longer helps (this truly feels like this moment needs to be self contained). I've changed my mind on this chapter who knows how many times and debated and axed multiple scenes, that I ultimately felt undermined things. Really this is a major issue coming to a head: Subaru might be willing to die over and over but that doesn't mean Emilia wants that to happen or can stand to watch it. At this point a year out from divergence our Emilia is quite different than cannon Emilia. For one she is not near as close to Puck since he never contracted with her and closed the distance (he is still following the word of his other contract to not get too involved in her life), as such she has leaned heavily on her relationship with Subaru. As such, after the last chapter Emilia could only really freak out, and only thought of grabbing Subaru and running away. If you've never been scared for your life before, you'd be amazed how much your thoughts shut down and the urge to run can take over. The thought of what to do about Clarissa and Puck hadn't hit yet, but the deserting the elves one was on the plate. Emilia is willing to suffer personally for them, but not get others hurt for it. I actually think this is more or less canon compliant considering in Subaru's second trial we see Emilia leave Roswaal after Subaru was murdered in the hallway by Rem, knowing she was giving up a path to save the elves.
The initial conception of this chapter was a fair bit different and was originally intended as Emilia's named chapter. As I fleshed it out though the phrase, "running becomes a habit" came up and harkened so strongly to something in arc VI that I couldn't NOT use it as a chapter title. There was also the matter that the transformation I intend for Emilia is much more natural over several chapter than one. That idea was shelved, but I do still intend a named chapter in this arc. Though I doubt anyone will guess whose chapter it will be.
In the interest of avoiding spoilers I won't say specifics, but I will note the odd coincidence of several things in Arc VII being close or compatible with ideas I intended at the offset of this story. I feel a bit vindicated in my take on some of the likely thought processes of a younger Subaru. I am curious how caught up on the LN/WN my readerbase is. There are little things from arc 6 and 7 I would like to play with (most would be quite minor spoilers), but I don't want to do that if most of my readerbase is not reasonably caught up.
