It has been a little while. I am swamped; I have six classes this semester on top of work so I have time for so little. Still after submitting a few papers I found I had a day or two to myself and was able to finish this. After this semester I have one summer class and then I graduate. Wish me luck.
"If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself."
― George Orwell, 1984
Do Not Go Gentle
Chapter 14
Hermione had never been happier to see Easter break arrive. She still had plenty of homework to do and more reading on Voldemort she wanted to catch up on and she was honestly looking forward to the time off. It was with great pleasure that she got out of class the Friday of Easter break.
"I love this time of year," Pandora told her as they walked to the Great Hall together. "The weather is perfect, neither too hot nor cold and the sun is out longer."
"I like it when it's dark out," Aurora said as they settled at the Ravenclaw table.
"Well not everyone is obsessed with stargazing Aurora," Pandora replied as she reached for a plate of potatoes. "There is simply more to do when the weather is nice." She passed Hermione the bread as she spoke.
Hermione thanked her. She could feel eyes on the back of her from where Remus was sitting across the hall. When she looked up, however, he was chatting with Sirius, looking as though he had not a care in the world. She reached for the chicken and ham pie with a sigh. Ever since that argument between her and Sirius things had been a bit awkward.
As though reading her thoughts Pandora leaned over and said quietly: "If you need to talk about it, we are all here."
"What!" Hermione blinked. "There's nothing wrong, I just…" she paused. She just what exactly? She didn't know what to say and Pandora was obviously not convinced.
"It's okay," she continued reassuringly. "The first guy I ever dated cheated on me right after we got together, so I'm a bit hands off on relationships myself."
Hermione felt a stab of sympathy at that. "Are we talking about a certain persistent Quidditch player?" She asked just as quietly.
"The very same," Pandora confirmed. "But then he denied it. As he has said, when he tries to get friendly I get dark thoughts." She shook her head. They could all here said Quidditch player running his mouth a bit further down the table right now.
From beside her Aurora was looking sympathetic. "Remus Lupin's not like that though," she told Pandora.
"I know," Pandora said. "I just see trouble in paradise is all." She turned back to her meal.
Hermione felt the need to clarify. "Remus has not done anything wrong," she told Pandora, Aurora and Emmeline. "It's Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. When I had to work on an essay with Regulus Black for detention they got all sorts of mad ideas from seeing us together."
"I've seen you together too," Aurora told her. She took a sip of her pumpkin juice before continuing. "I was wondering about that. Your detention has been over for months, you can't still need to work with him, can you?"
Even Emmeline turned to regard her in curiosity at this. Hermione turned her face towards her food as though it were the most delicious meal in the world. For a minute, there was nothing but the scrape of a fork as she contemplated how to answer. "We have been reading books that the other has suggested," she answered finally. "It's been an educational thing really."
"An educational thing," Pandora repeated. "With a Slytherin like Regulus Black." Her voice couldn't have been more deadpan if she'd tried.
Hermione had nothing to say to her. Again she turned to regard her food. It was really very delicious and well-done and so much more interesting than anything else. "It's just been a few times," she mumbled, feeling red.
"Well, I'm sure that you mean well," Aurora told her. She then looked hopeful. "Maybe it will be good for him, having you for a friend. It will convince him not to spend so much time with that nasty Evan Rosier."
Pandora looked unconvinced. "That's not likely to happen," she said. "Being friends with that lot won't do anyone a bit of good," she threw a dark look at the Slytherin table as she spoke.
"He isn't exactly my friend," Hermione told them. "He's more of, well he's…" It was astonishing to her how little she was able to get the words out that day. Then again, what more could she say: he's my pet project? 'Because that wouldn't sound condescending at all,' she thought sarcastically to herself. She very well couldn't say anything like the truth that she felt sorry for the boy because he was going to get himself killed in a few years. Nor could she say that she honestly liked having someone listen to her talk about books and actually read what she suggested.
"Well, I can see where Remus might be concerned," Pandora said. "But where do Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew come in?"
Grateful for the lifeline, Hermione seized it: "Sirius is just taking an opportunity to fight with his brother and Pettigrew is starting trouble. He likes to stir up fights when he can." She felt herself bristle at the thought of his smug face. What she wouldn't give sometimes to hex him so thoroughly he'd have to crawl back to Gryffindor tower.
"Well I'm not too surprised," Pandora said. "The Black brothers have always been at each other's throats. No need to add fuel to THAT fire."
Aurora looked thoughtful. "It's okay if you want to be friends with the younger Black brother," she said kindly. "Just please think of Remus's feelings. He really likes you, and he probably worries about you."
Hermione decided not to reiterate the point that she was NOT friends with the younger Black brother." Thanks Aurora."
Hermione spent the next day in the library once more peering through Emmeline's papers on Voldemort. If the timeline she was putting together was true then Riddle had gone to work at Borgin and Burke's after finishing Hogwarts. There had been an old article in the Daily Prophet about the recipient of the school's Special Award's for Services to the School graduating that had mentioned this very point.
So she now had another conundrum to figure out. Why exactly would a talented student like Tom Riddle go to work at Borgin and Burke's after Hogwarts? He was exceedingly brilliant and highly ambitious, so why not try for a place in the Ministry?
Hermione had never been in Borgin and Burke's but she knew the place by reputation. Located in Knockturn Alley, they specialized in Dark Arts artifacts. Certainly there was enough there to interest Riddle, but to work there? What was he looking for that could be found in Borgin and Burke's and how long had he been there?
She knew nothing about his personal objects and acquaintances and all Emmeline could tell her was what she knew through her mother. He had been a half-blood, he was raised by muggles, he had killed his father, well that much even Harry knew. Prefect, Headboy, top in his year, Special Services to the School, that strange diary that had sucked in Ginny so thoroughly, she knew all of that. The next question was: could magic even do things like that?
She knew also that this was true. Even Muggles spoke of corrupting magical objects in their tales of witchcraft and sorcery. The Lord of the Ring's for one, which was influenced by earlier Celtic and Norse traditions. That such an object should be a perfect representation of a young Tom Riddle was a little more surprising. A memory so strong that it seemed to have a mind and a will of its own? How strange.
It was raining, the raindrops pattering, first softly, and then with more force against the libraries windows. Lamps were lit as the sunlight was all but extinguished outside. Hermione felt weariness creep into her as she regarded the folder of old newspaper articles spread before her on the table. She had taken notes on things that interested her in particular. Borgin and Burke's, some notes Mrs. Vance had made about his classmates in school, some of whom had become his very first Death Eater's, early attacks in the fifties that were thought but not confirmed to be attached to him.
Just a few seats down Dirk Cresswell and Lily Evans were sitting together. He was supposedly studying, but even Hermione could tell that he was far more interested in the redheaded witch sitting beside him. From the corner of her eye she saw Lily laugh softly at something he said, her green eyes on the alert for Madam Pince.
Seeing her made Hermione think longingly of her friends. Harry, with his mother's green eyes, was waiting for her and so was Ron. If she could do anything, then it was at least finding out something about Voldemort that would help Harry in his fight against him. If she ever got home, that is.
Hermione felt her insides twist at the thought of not seeing them again. What would happen if she didn't? It was impossible for her to even put into thoughts how she longed for her own time, for Harry and his brash heroics and Ron and his sarcasm. For fiery, feisty Ginny and kindhearted, worrying Neville. For even Luna Lovegood and her crazy conspiracy theories. For the rest of the Weasley's and her parents, who she had spent so little time with since starting at Hogwarts and might never see again.
Yet she was not without friends, Pandora and Aurora were wonderful and even quiet Emmeline had proven to be someone she felt she could trust. Then there was Remus Lupin…and…
She turned back to her book, her brown eyes suspiciously wet. Yet they were not Harry and Ron and never would be. She was doing this for her friends, trying to do her reading ahead like she always did so that when she finally got back, she could be an asset to the fight against Voldemort. It was all she could do but it was what Hermione Granger did best.
Voldemort's diary. She would need to look up if there was any way to imprint part of oneself in a book the way Diary Riddle had. That and find out why he was at Borgin and Burke's and for how long. If she could only piece together just what he had done when he left school and all the magic he had done to make himself so powerful, then maybe there would be something she could bring back with her. Some knowledge that would make this entire detour into the past worth it.
Hernmione found Easter break went by far too fast and soon she was getting ready to take her Apparition exam. She lined up with the rest of the sixth years who were of age. Remus broke free from his friends and came to stand beside her. He offered her a hesitant smile that she returned.
"Nervous?" he asked her.
"A little," Hermione confessed.
"You will be fine," Remus told her. He took her hand then, his own slightly warm to the touch. "Listen Rose," he said quietly as they moved slightly forward in line. "I'm sorry if I've been a bit distant lately. You know that I think you can be friends with whoever you want to, right?"
Hermione decided not to argue over whether or not she and Regulus Black were friends. It was no use anyway. "Thank you," she opted for instead. "I appreciate that, really." They were unable to say anymore as Lupin's name was called and he stepped forward. Hermione was silent as she watched the students go through their tests, one by one until she heard the now familiar name of Perkins called.
She apparently did well, as did Remus and all of his friends, Pettigrew surprisingly included. It was with a lifting of the spirits that she was told that she was now certified to apparate when she wished. She joined Remus on the school grounds shortly afterwards, bright smiles and troubles temporarily gone.
"I was nervous too," Remus told her as they walked by the lake, hand in hand once more. "I barely slept last night."
"You're lucky you didn't splince yourself then," Hermione told him, smiling. She leaned slightly against him as they came to stare out across the lake at where the giant squid was resting. For a moment there was a comfortable silence, and then Remus said: "I envy you, you know."
Hermione turned to him in confusion. "You envy me, why?"
Remus was smiling sheepishly at her. "You seem to have no problem saying and doing exactly what you want. I wonder and I worry what others will say, James, Sirius, Peter, the rest of the school, you." He squeezed her hand before continuing. "I wish I could say whatever I wished and do what I wished and be as fearless as you and my friends."
"You don't have to be fearless," Hermione told him. "You are plenty brave and that is what counts." The urge to say more was strong within her, to tell him that she knew what it was he was most afraid of, but she would never tell.
"I wish," he hesitated. "I wish that I had the kind of courage that you seem to think I have. The kind like Sirius had, when he stood up to his family, or James had, when he bared his feelings to a girl he likes, but I don't know. Yet with you I sometimes feel as though I can." Remus looked so young and hopeful that Hermione couldn't help but feel for him deeply as he said this.
"Don't try to be something you are not," she told him. "Just continue to be yourself."
"I'm not sure if I'm ever myself," was Remus's response. "I try, you know, but there is so much I can't…" he trailed off. "I haven't told you everything there is to know about me." Remus said quietly. "You are so able to simply stand up for what you believe in and make a change and are so honest and I'm not." He looked incredibly vulnerable as he stared at her.
Hermione felt deeply uncomfortable now, because she wasn't any more honest then him, less so really, and could probably never be honest for as long as she was in the past. She was living a lie down to her very name and she hated every minute of it and here was this young man who had to make a life of lies, and he never wanted any of it. They were more alike than he could ever know in that moment, more connected than he could imagine and she could only hope that when the time came, her lies didn't hurt him too badly.
"I really like you," he told her softly. "I admire you. I just wish I could." He sighed. Hermione, not wanting to see him beat himself up any more, kissed him.
Together they stayed like that for a long moment, their arms entwined, kissing by the lake. Hermione felt a shiver run through her as he pulled away a moment later. Their hands still linked together, he leaned her forehead against hers, his lips pressing against her hairline softly. "I want to be better than I am." He whispered sadly.
"You are better than you know," Hermione told him back. "But you have to realize for yourself what you are worth." She knew that she could never make him realize for himself what he truly was and could be. She stared away from him and out at the glimmering lake, the setting sun shining from its blue depths and wondered if there was some irony to be found in that thought.
Hermione dreamed of Harry and Ron that night. They were sitting in red armchairs playing wizards chess and she was trying to get across McGonagall's enchanted chess set to reach them, but the pieces wouldn't budge. She had never been a very good player and she knew she would never be able to reach them if she had to play. To them she called but they couldn't hear her and she was left to call their names in vain.
It was very early when she woke up from her dream, soaked in sweat, her bedclothes tangled around her body. She could hear Pandora's soft snores from a bed over and the light breathing of Emmeline and Aurora. Her breathing was coming quick, her heart thudding loudly in her chest. After lying for some time trying to get her breathing back under control, she grabbed her dressing gown and stepped out of bed.
Down to the common room she stepped where she stared up at the blue ceiling, her mind a whirl of thoughts. There were books and projects left scattered here and there but the room was dark and deserted, the sun not yet having made its appearance. She sank down into a blue armchair, placed her head in her hands and cried.
Hermione was not sure just how long she sat there crying, but it felt like an eternity of built up worry, stress, longing and grief all poured out of her in torrents. She had remembered Ginny once teasing her about how sensitive she could sometimes be; the redhead a study herself in tough girl aggression and she could almost laugh.
"You cry too much, Hermione," she could hear Ginny saying with a smile. "We should never let the boys know we are crying over them."
But they were her boys and they and Ginny were not even born yet, not even around for Harry to try to awkwardly comfort her while Ron exclaimed over her mentalness. She almost laughed thinking of how bad they both were at comforting anyone. Hopeless with girls they both were and quite hopeless without her in particular. She hoped that Ginny was taking care of them both.
Yet here she was, with no idea of how to ever get back and feeling as though her life would never be right again.
Hermione headed to the Great Hall a few hours later and settled into her seat across from Emmeline. It was a brisk Saturday, bright but chilly and she wondered if she should take her homework out onto the grounds. From her right, Trixie and Ryan had their heads together, obviously brainstorming another creative project. Hermione wondered how they had the time with revisions for N.E.W.T's. She was kept constantly busy with work herself and Slughorn had decided to add to her stress with a Potions project. A Potions project with a certain Severus Snape.
Hermione glanced over at the Slytherin table. There Snape was, stringy haired and scowling, sitting between Avery and Mulciber. He was a few seats down from Regulus Black, who was sitting with his back to her, engaged in a discussion with a Slytherin fifth year whose name Hermione didn't know.
"Do you want to join us out on the grounds, Rose?" Aurora asked her suddenly.
Hermione smiled. "I was thinking of doing that," she said. The four witches finished their breakfast and grabbing their things, made their way out of the Great Hall. The grounds were still nearly empty, as most of the students were still at breakfast, but Hermione could see Hagrid walking in the distance.
"It's a nice day," Pandora said brightly as she settled beneath a tree. Aurora settled down beside her, her arms wrapped around an Astronomy textbook. Emmeline, looking more relaxed than Hermione was used to seeing from the aloof girl, laid on her other side. Hermione pulled out her Potions text and sitting down she began to read. From beside her Aurora and Pandora chattered softly.
"So you got stuck with Snape for Potions, huh?" Aurora said, interrupting her readings. Hermione nodded. "Tough break."
Hermione shrugged. "It could be worse, it could be Mulciber."
Aurora wrinkled her nose. "That is worse, he's a freak."
"So is Snape," Pandora pointed out. "Though he is at least good at Potions," she added after a moment's thought. "I didn't hear Slughorn say, who did you get for a partner, Emmeline?" she asked the raven-haired girl.
"Mulciber," was Emmeline's quiet answer.
"Oh, condolences," Aurora said as Pandora made a face. Emmeline remained nonplussed. "I'll manage."
Abigor Mulciber. Hermione remembered him as one of the Death Eaters to break out of Azkaban along with the Lestranges and Dolohov. She tried her hardest to avoid being around the dark-haired heavyset Slytherin as much as possible.
"You look tired," Pandora told her. "Did you sleep alright?"
"Not particularly," Hermione admitted. At Pandora's questioning look, she shrugged. "You know, late at studying, then lots of worrying."
"You worry too much," Aurora said from her place on the ground. "Oh, look it's your friend." She added, glancing up at the lake.
Sure enough Regulus Black was walking across the grounds, broomstick in hand, clad in his Slytherin robes with another Slytherin player. Hermione eyed him tiredly for a moment before turning away. She did not have time for Regulus Black that day.
So yeah this chapter got a little bit morbid. I wanted to get something up soon. The school year should be finishing soon though both for Hermione and for me in real life.
