Chapter 24

In my head, I knew it was irrational of me to feel so guarded over someone happening to peek through my drawings, but the wave of protectiveness struck like it always did. I was determined to protect my sketchbook from him even if it wasn't in any real danger from Izuku's hands. Unless he had oil on his hands or something leftover from the ramen he was eating, the little voice inside my head suggested, causing another rush of panic as I took the book back from him, unable to hear the apology or reasoning behind why he had taken my sketchbook. It was my own fault for leaving something of value behind. You'd think I would have learned that very simple rule after all these years.

He probably thinks they're stupid and that I am such an obsessive freak with weird hobbies and fixations or he'll tell all of his friends about it, and then they'll think I'm an obsessive freak and convince him not to hang out with me anymore, or they'll stop associating with him because him choosing to associate with me reveals some sort of character trait they don't like-

SHUT UP! I told myself, feeling the oncoming downward spiral drudging up some heavy emotions. This is not the place to break down and cry for no reason! If you start doing that, everyone is going to ask what's wrong and you'll have no real answer for them, and they'll think you just being overly emotional and weak!

That gripping sensation began to tighten around me, causing my emotions to become more heightened and erratic. Everything was starting to slam into me again like the last few hours of being happy had never even happened. I guess I wasn't over it after all. I needed to get out of that bar, needed to do something to distract me from the toxic emotions that tried to rot me from the inside. Already my mind was forming exit strategies, accustomed to making a quick escape from some sort social event or new scenario that always seemed to terrify me and send me into an emotional tailspin.

"Oh man, is that what time it is? I should probably get going. I've got work tomorrow and my family will probably be wondering where I am," I managed, the white-lie slipping effortlessly off my tongue as I began grabbing my things. The best lies were the ones that were partly true. I never stayed out this late, never having an active social life even before we had moved here- my friends were just as introverted as myself, or didn't bother inviting me to functions -and everyone knew it. Time stamped twenty minutes ago, I had been slammed with texts from Jo-Elle to tell me to come home and that Mom was anxious on where I was, the two Missed Call notifications and one voicemail icon blaring angrily in the notification bar. No one could say that I didn't have a good excuse to leave now. Better than admitting 'I have become overwhelmed by a cocktail of irrational emotions prior to even coming here and now need to leave before I start getting angry or crying because of how uncomfortable I am now.' However, Izuku didn't appear to get that message because he followed after me the instant I turned to go.

"I'll go with you," he said, already pushing his chair in. "It's not safe to go out by yourself at night."

I scowled at the implication. Did he think I was so inexperienced with Japan that I didn't know what was safe? It was a fair assumption, thinking of the two American girls that had approached me at the bar, fresh-faced and studying abroad in a country so foreign to theirs. I remembered when I used to be like that when I had been in school, though it had felt more like I had aged up a decade than four years since graduating. Because of a lazy dorm advisor, they had no idea that they were near the red-light district. I didn't have to worry though, since I was positive there was no guy interested in snatching a tall, plus-sized, masculine woman on the human trafficking market and had traveled around here for my mother's MRI many times. Girls like that though... I mentally shook my head. This was what I got for watching the Taken trilogy so many times, all for the sake of story notes.

"Oh, just because I'm a girl I can't walk home by myself?" I snapped, unable to keep the rancor out of my tone, determined to shut down any possibility of being seen as some hapless damsel that needed a man. I was a girl that had grown up for most of my life in a family that the majority were female and had been ruled by matriarchs and tenacious women that learned to fix their own problems, and despite all the things that had happened to me over the years, I was still that girl now. I didn't need anyone to hold my hand before, and I certainly didn't need it now.

"That's not- I didn't mean that you aren't capable! I know you are! I just..." Izuku trailed off and looked down at his fingers as they netted together, appearing smaller than he was. "I wanted to spend some more time with you."

My mouth formed a small, silent 'oh.' The look on his face about split my heart in two. Izuku was the last person I wanted to lash out at. He had been so kind, generous, and- if I was being completely honest with myself -so adorable it should have been illegal. He didn't deserve a single ounce of cruelty I was giving him. Hadn't I just said that I disliked bullies? What kind of horrible person did that make me? I didn't deserve him at all. "Okay but... only as far as the station. I doubt we're going in the same direction anyways."

The distress didn't leave his face entirely, but it did lessen somewhat. Ignoring the burdening weight I already felt on my heart, I placed a handful of coins for what I owed the bar onto the table but found that I was coming up a bit short. Damned cash-based society, I muttered to myself, not noticing Izuku rifling through his own pockets until he pulled out a handful of coins and put down a few ten yen coins down onto the table.

"Thanks," I said after swallowing my sullen pride, unable to look him in the eye as I heard him respond 'you're welcome.' Seriously. Didn't deserve him at all.

"Aww going already?" Mizuki asked, surprising me with how disappointed she sounded at the fact that I was leaving. Wasn't I a bother to them, being the new American girl that had just disrupted their fun after-class party?

I gave her an awkward smile. "Yeah. It's getting pretty late and I've got work tomorrow and my family will be wondering where I am." I thought that was going to be the end of it until she suddenly called out to the table, "Hey guys, Alyssa and Deku are going." Suddenly, the whole table erupted with goodbyes, cheers, and drunken jeers at leaving before the real fun had started.

"You feel free to bring Deku back anytime. Having a pro-hero like him brings excellent business to our class." I gave my headmaster a funny look, unable to tell if he was being serious or facetious before giving him a breathy chuckle.

"Okay. I'll try and convince him to take up the class full-time," I joked in an effort to hide the uneasiness I felt.

"'May the Force be with you.'"

"And also with you," I replied almost instinctively, unable to repress the twenty six years of religion and two years of confirmation lessons drilled into me. After saying his own goodbyes, Izuku had gone silent for most of the walk. Would this ever get easier, being around people and dealing with this crippling insanity? Jo-Elle had recommended therapy on numerous occasions, but her advice always felt superficial, like someone trying to cure a bullet wound to the head with CPR. I knew the cause of my distress, but there was no cure. No amount of therapy or medication would be able to fix what I had.

'I feel insane, I feel like there's something wrong inside of my brain...' The lyrics flooded back into my head without provocation, grasping on the single word 'insanity' that flooded through my head, and for once I was fine with it. I needed a distraction, a quiet moment to just let go and clear my head. What I wouldn't give to listen to the white noise of the ocean right about now instead of Bruno Martini. The rushing and falling of the foamy waves, like one ginormous creature was breathing in and sighing out.

There was also something immensely calming about staring out into the horizon, where the sky and water met in two crashing hues of blue. Maybe it was because I had been from a land-locked state with nothing but woods and cornfields, but any time I had viewed the ocean, I was in absolute awe and could drift off into thoughts about nothing and nowhere. I couldn't wait for summer. There is no emotion, there is peace...

It wasn't until I had nearly walked into a street-meat vendor that I realized I had no idea where I was going, so lost in my own scattered thoughts of the ocean, the Jedi Code mantra, and a random earworm playing ad nauseam. "Umm do you know which direction the train station is at?" I asked Izuku, who had been in his own trance. His eyes, now cleared from the haze they had been in earlier, looked to me as realization slowly crept onto his face.

"I thought you knew."

"No. I told you, I don't get out much."

Izuku then pulled out his smartphone and tapped rapidly at the screen before pulling up a map. "It's not far, about a ten minute walk from here."

"Oh good," I said with some relief, now following after him and his directions. After a few moments of silently reprimanding myself for spacing out again, I said over the lyrics about running away that threatened to overtake my thoughts again, "Sorry about all of that," not quite sure what I was apologizing for but hoping it was enough.

"It's alright," Izuku said with slight dusting of red on his cheeks, the tightness relaxing around his eyes that seemed to shimmer. Such a pretty turquoise green. I tried not to fixate on that, instead focusing my gaze forward as I walked alongside him.

"So uhh noisiness aside, what did you think of my class?"

Izuku appeared thoughtful for a moment before answering. "It was definitely interesting. It had a lot more exercise than I had expected, but it was a lot of fun."

"Yeah, that was my first reaction too when I first started, but I guess it makes sense since fighting for long periods of time becomes taxing if you're not used to it. The exercise is about as much building up your stamina as it is building up your muscle mass," I said in understanding. The quiet that had been comforting before now felt awkward and stagnant. Like I always did when I was nervous, I talked in order to fill the silence, "Have you uhhh ever taken a martial arts class before?"

"No. Not officially, anyways. My teachers were more focused on teaching us how to fight than building up our core. We had to do that on our own."

"What did they have you do?"

"Oh just some training exercises involving battle or rescue, plus the usual high school stuff like math and history."

"Like what?" I asked again, suddenly reminded of the times I had tried to coax out wild, baby bunny-rabbits out of their nest when I was a kid. Much like Izuku, the kits had been timid and cautious, but once you established trust and they learned you weren't going to eat them, they eventually calmed down and allowed you to pet them. Izuku seemed a lot more worked up than he had been at the bar, but I listened and nodded along as he babbled nervously, going into a bit of a tangent about his classes and hearing mentions of All Might interchangeably with his workout schedule.

Not exactly the kind of homework I would have expected or liked to have been assigned, but I knew some men actually enjoyed working out. Did that mean Izuku had muscle mass? It was hard to tell. He had said he had a strength Quirk so he had to have some kind of muscle definition, but he was so short in comparison to most men I knew and looked like such a string bean underneath that All Might tracksuit. His broad shoulders certainly seemed to fill out his jacket well enough and his hands had a good grip to them, large and hardened with callouses and scars. I found myself wondering if he had any other scars that I couldn't see.

If I hadn't been so focused on his appearance in that moment, I would have missed it entirely- a rare sight that I didn't think any man was capable of without losing face or feeling emasculated. Izuku had stopped talking, his eyes wet and shimmering. Oh god, was he... was he crying? Oh no! A new kind of panic began to hit me, one that seemed to override any stress I was feeling for myself at the moment.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" I asked him, voice full of concern as I suddenly felt the intense urge to wrap my arms around him. Oh god, what had I done!? Why was he crying? What had I missed in the time I was suddenly thinking about only about myself and his muscles?

"O-Oh," he said, almost startled to realize that he had been crying as more tears began slipping from his eyes as his voice wavered and cracked. "S-Sorry, I'm f-fine."

"You are most certainly not fine." I felt my battle braid swing around and smack me in the face as I whipped my head around, looking for a private place to sit before leading Izuku towards a vacant children's playground and sitting him down on the end of a pair of twin slides. My hips squished into the edges of the slide next to his. What on earth did Japan have against public benches?

"Here," I handed him a bottle of water that I had stowed away in my bag, remembering to refill it before I had left the rec center. "Drinking water after crying always helps me feel better."

He took a long swig from my water bottle and let out a gasp of air. "Thank you..."

"You're welcome," I said but didn't motion to take the water bottle back. "Now tell me what's wrong."

"N-Nothing's w-wrong," he tried to deny as more tears began to fall. He was a worse liar than I was. "I just... miss him, is all." I assumed the 'him' in this scenario to be All Might. Sure, it was a tragic thing for him to retire and sad that he had passed away, but it clearly was his time. Something else had to be wrong. This wasn't the reaction of someone who was just a fan- and I doubt Izuku was that much of a super-fan to get so worked up over something that had happened almost two years ago.

"I didn't know All Might's death affected you so much. Did you know him personally?"

Izuku sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. "He was my teacher..."

"All Might taught? Like... at school?"

"Yeah. He was there during my first year at UA," Izuku sniffled, rubbing away another stray tear. "I only knew him for a couple of years, but I grew really close to him during that time. He was my mentor and my idol. He trained me, helped me get into the hero program when everyone else said that it would've been impossible. After awhile, I came to know the man behind the name and began to admire him in a different light. He wanted me to become the next Symbol of Peace," he choked out a laugh but it lacked the mirth his smiles usually held. His fists clenched bits of fabric of his navy blue track pants. "I want to live up to his expectations, but it's so hard when it feels like everything is f-falling apart. I feel like I'm letting him d-down, like I'm letting everyone else down. I k-keep running into all these p-p-people that I'm trying to help, but I c-can't because work is a mess. I'm such a failure."

Failure. That word resonated with me. Now we were getting the root of the problem.

"You are not a failure. Everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems," I said, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. Up-close, I could see the dark circles under those luminous green eyes that seemed so bright moments ago. How had I missed that?

"Yes it is," he all but wailed as he held his head in his hands. He took a few more deep breaths, trying to find some semblance of calm while I placed my hand on his back and began habitually tracing small circles with my fingernails. "I didn't want to tell you this earlier, since everyone seemed so excited that a real pro-hero was at your class, but my agency is on the brink of bankruptcy."

I lifted my hand in shock before placing it back on his back. Izuku then went onto share his struggles with dealing with his hero agency, something that he apparently hadn't shared with his coworkers, how his agency was in a slew of trouble because of debt and improper paperwork. Apparently he was close to declaring bankruptcy because paperwork ended up missing or misfiled, so the government had no idea how much to pay the heroes for their services, so no money was coming in for them and the agency.

"How long have you been like this?"

"It's been going on for almost two months now."

"Two months?!" I gaped at him, "How have you been managing to stay afloat for so long?"

"I stay late, try to redo or send in all the right paperwork I can, and pay for any repairs or paychecks out of pocket. Thankfully I make enough just for everyone to scrape by, but I feel like I'm just barely hanging on. If something doesn't change and we can't get more jobs, I don't know how we're going to make it to summer, much less the end of the year."

"But couldn't you get a loan or something from a friend or family member?"

He shook his head, head still in his hands. "My mother is a stay-at-home mom, I haven't seen my father in years, and I've already asked Shoto for money, and I still haven't paid him back since the last time I asked. I can't keep going back to him like that again. I just feel so... worthless." Shoto. That name again. Wasn't he the kid Izuku had faced in the sports festival that Jo-Elle was such a fan of? He was Endeavor's son, right? He had to be made of money, so it's not like another loan would have hurt him.

"Guys tend to have bruised egos when it comes to taking care of things," I had remembered my sister saying at one time. "If they can't take care of their own problems, it makes them feel less like a man. It's why the suicide rate is so high for guys. They don't want to talk about what's going wrong in their lives or admitting that they need help." It made a lot of sense. Not to mention mixing friendship and money was always a bad combination, especially if they had a history of asking in the past. But here Izuku was, subverting all of the male expectations by being open and vulnerable with me with his issues.

But not until I had pried it out of him with some gentle prodding of my own, I added thoughtfully. God, no wonder he was such a wreck. He had to have been holding this in for awhile too. He looked like he was going to come undone at the seams.

"So you mean to tell me that you haven't been paid in over a month, and you're still doing hero work?"

Izuku lifted his head, now giving me an incredulous stare like I said that clouds were made out of mashed potatoes. "Of course. Just because I'm not getting paid for it doesn't mean I stop being a hero."

'Heroes are a bunch of sell-outs.'

'People only become heroes so that they can get rich and use their Quirks to make life miserable for the rest of us.'

'You shouldn't look up to people who only go after dead-end jobs rather than using the gifts you're given to make an actual career...'

The words of my mother and so many others like her rang in my ears. It was amazing how wrong they were. Sure, some heroes probably did it for the money, but Izuku didn't. He wasn't even getting paid, swimming up to his ears in debt and paperwork, and he still did hero work anyways. He looked so broken, something that I had been feeling up until moments ago when I saw the unashamed tears fall down his face. Unable to hold back any longer, I pulled him close into a fierce hug. He smelled of mint, sweat and dirt, and I probably smelled just as bad if not worse, but I didn't care.

"Listen. You are not worthless, okay? Don't ever say that or let anyone tell you that! You can only try your best," I said, already starting to feel tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I squeezed him tighter. "Even God needed to rest on the seventh day, and I'm pretty sure All Might had his moments of weakness too. You can't let stuff like this get to you. Failure is a natural part of life. People can comeback from bankruptcy. Even if it doesn't work out the way you expect, I believe you can do it. Anytime I talk to you, it's about how you are trying to do things for others. I'm sure wherever All Might is, he is proud of you and what you've accomplished, so don't let something like this beat you."

Izuku had been so unresponsive from the contact, I thought my words hadn't gotten through to him, his body acting like I was holding a sack of flour. Then I felt his hands tentatively place themselves on my back and wrap his arms around me to return the hug. They shook and quivered from the silent sobs he was fighting. I pretended to ignore them and simply held him tighter. "Y-You really think so?"

"Yeah. With as much as you talk about him and how hard you work, I know you can do it," I pulled back and gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile. "The fact that you're trying to improve yourself means that you're aware that there are things you could work on. I'm sure you'll have a top-notch agency in no time."

He ducked back and tried to furiously wipe away the tears with the back of his arm. "Well," he sniffed, sounding calmer than before," first I have to work on getting my agency back on its feet, and then I have to somehow redesign our business cards because I've put off getting them done, and then I-" Having heard the word 'business card' as one of his complaints, a burst of energy filled my chest as I acted on impulse and blurted out, "I'll do it."

Izuku, having been snapped out of whatever spell that had come over him, asked with a stupefied expression, "Do what?"

"Design your business card. I can do it. I have a minor in graphic design and I have experience in designing business cards," I explained, tactfully omitting that my experience amounted to one project in college that heavily involved professor feedback and a computer program I no longer had. The cards had come out cute in the end though. I had designed a personal business card that looked like an old fashioned US postal mail envelope, even using images from a past topography project to help cut down on the amount of work. Alyssa, what are you thinking? You still haven't even finished the brochures you promised Masako for the actual job you work at!

"Really? You would do that?"

"Of course. I mean, I'm not some fancy, professional graphic designer per say but I can at least do this for you," I said with some modesty. "Besides, you're my friend and clearly this is stressing you out. At least let me help carry some of the burden."

"At least let me pay you-"

"No, Izuku. I'll do it for free," I blurted out, my mouth having runaway again. I hadn't taken a request in years, not having high motivation to draw things other than my comic and paid commissions, but he seemed like the exception. "Friends don't always need compensation, alright? So just accept the damned favor already."

"Thank you. That really means a lot." The joy from his beaming smile was so intense that it made butterflies flutter around in my stomach. Oh boy. This was more than me just being excited my friend showed up for class, wasn't it? I actually liked him.

"Of course. What are friends for?" I said, the word 'friend' feeling like a cover-up. "By the way, I hope you didn't think I introduced you to my class just to get some fame recognition," I said in an effort to distract myself from the fact that I had just hugged him out of the blue, "Honestly, I had no idea you were so famous around here."

"Oh I'm not that famous. Besides, I like your friends. They seem to really care about you." I titled my head towards him in surprise. This was news to me.

"What? No way. I've only known them for a couple of months. I mean, we don't really hang out much outside of class, so I'd say we're more like close acquaintances."

"Really? From how you all interact, I would have thought you'd known them for awhile."

"Not really. I don't really have that big a circle of friends."

"I see... but umm... we're... friends, right?"

"Of course we're friends!" I fiercely proclaimed before I felt a torrent of words fall out of my mouth, "I mean, I'd like to think so. Either we're friends or I'm that annoying American chick that managed to worm herself into your life after getting your phone number that keeps spamming you with memes on your cellphone." He chuckled and I found that I enjoyed making him laugh. He had such a nice smile. With his freckles and slightly reddened cheeks, it was damned adorable! For a second, I almost thought he was going to lean in and kiss me, his face so close to mine. Did I want him to? I had just claimed that we were friends. The feelings I had churning inside of my chest weren't something I would designate as platonic. Where you supposed to feel this way when you had close guy friends? I was probably just excited to have a new friend period. He was something new and exciting and someone I found I could relate to.

No, I shouldn't ruin it by being overly forward. He was incredibly vulnerable and my bleeding heart was always eager to comfort and care for anything small and meek. It was just something similar to Florence Nightingale effect, only neither of us were injured. Plus what if it had been the real thing? I wouldn't be able to take the rejection.

"So I've been meaning to ask. Why do they call you Bloody Queen?"

"Oh, that? It's a dumb in-joke. When I first introduced myself, they thought my name was Alice and because Chiseko is a Disney fan, she took it to the next level when I kept doing head-shots after being so out of practice, saying my face always goes red during class like the Queen of Hearts. I guess I was a little too brutal about it because they started calling me the Bloody Queen after that, and it just sort of stuck. I don't mind too much though. Makes me sound kinda like some kind of a regal badass." Thoughts of my lightsaber class brought me back to the other elephant in the room. "So... you saw it, right? My drawings?"

"Yes, but just a couple of them, the Star Wars related ones and some other... h-hero drawings." Izuku went silent again, this time his whole face going crimson. He must have been ashamed to have gotten caught, he could barely look me in the eye.

"Okay, but you can't tell anyone about them, alright? I'm planning on doing a LLA design of all the students as Jedi for this year's Star Wars Day and I needed all of their personal lightsabers so that I can sketch them."

"Oh so that was it? That's really cool. I hope it turns out well," Izuku said before rubbing the back of his neck, "The other d-drawings were really good t-too, the Vigilante Knight ones? They looked really similar to Muse-Musume's art style."

I didn't say a word, frozen in shock that he knew my handle. Had I heard him right? Did he recognize my work, know my work? I remembered posting some of my comic in rough Japanese translations to practice my hiragana, but I had no idea I had such a wide international market. "You know about Vigilante Knights?"

"Yeah. I've been a fan of the comic for awhile now. I had no idea you were a fan too. We probably met on the forums and never knew it."

"O-Oh. Yeah well, I've been drawing them for years, but I don't really go on the forums that often and I don't really go onto the international forums, so that's probably why." That actually was true. Who had the time? When you had two part-time jobs and drew a web-comic and commissions on the side, time was luxury I usually didn't have. "But I think I'm a far cry from a professional artist."

"Are you kidding? The details on your drawings are amazing. Yours look almost exactly like theirs. You could be a comic book artist."

"Oh no, I'm not that great," I denied, deciding to take the assumption that I was a fan than the author in-stride. In my experience if you weren't careful, fans could track you down and harass you if you hadn't posted on time or weren't satisfied with the most recent story choice. JK Rowling had been hounded for years by fans for a number of reasons, and that was before the Twitter scandal. Better to keep this little secret to myself.

"Why not? Comiket releases tons of fan-made comics every year and your drawings are good if not better than some of what I've seen on the market." I thought about this for a moment. My own mother had been trying to get me to make my comics into an actual book for years, like giving it physical substance would prove that I just wasn't on my computer all day for nothing. If Izuku thought so, maybe her idea did have some merit.

"You know, maybe I will..." I hummed thoughtfully, thinking about the LLA plans for this August's NatsuComi, the Japanese portmanteau of summer Comiket. "So Izuku, do you collect comic-books?"

"Ah sometimes. Mostly All Might editions," he laughed with a bashful smile, "but I have a few others too, like ones about the original vigilantes and dark ages and some fictional ones before then. I remember Toshi- I mean All Might being really into American comics and that made me curious about American heroes. It just sort of took off from there. I like studying real-life heroes, but there's something fantastic about reading about heroes that have things that our society doesn't, like multiple powers or extraordinary abilities that wouldn't normally manifest like time travel or omniscience."

"Yeah, plus there's probably a lot less paperwork involved in the stories, I'm sure," I commented with an edge of dry humor, the irony not lost on either of us. What a surreal evening. Here I was, talking about comics with a superhero, when I was keeping my own secret identity of being a semi-popular comic-book artist (my comic at least had a small cult following). If Izuku only knew that he had just had the author of Vigilante Knights offer to design his business cards for free, he would have realized he was getting the ultimate discount.

By the time I reached the train station and we had said our goodbyes, I gave Izuku one final hug before quickly jumping onto my train. I then collapsed into the subway chair with no shame, utterly exhausted.


Author's Note: References today are Red vs Blue and "Save Me" by Bruno Martini.