Chapter 32

Pamara Blake had walked into a particularly unusual sight on a Saturday evening. Normally, Saturdays were reserved for my Enterprise job and last minute edits for my webcomic, undisputed me-time that she didn't want to get involved with. Lo and behold, you could tell she was startled to find that not only was I not holed up in my room, but that I was washing dishes, my least favorite chore. Dishwashers were basically non-existent in Japan, and we couldn't afford the deluxe apartments that had them, so Jo-Elle and I split the responsibilities of doing them by hand. Because I came home hours before she did, I was the one who got stuck doing them most of the time, especially when our mother couldn't do them and was tortured by having to stare at a sink full of dirty dishes all day long.

Today had been an exception. The TV had been playing daytime public television in the background layered with English subtitles, and while I had no interest in listening to the random stations my mother had playing in the background while she napped (mostly because it wasn't anime), hearing Michael Bublé's melodious voice caused me stop scrubbing a particularly stubborn piece of egg stuck to our frying pan. Warmth and familiarity filled me to the core as the lyrics of "Feeling Good" filled my soul, encapsulating how high on life I had been the last two days. I'd been currently in the thralls of singing my fifth encore of the song, pouring my heart out into the smiley faced scrub-brush during the final stanza when my mother had chosen that moment to step out of the bathroom.

"Alyssa," my mother gasped, her voice that level of exaggeration that meant either she was pleasantly surprised or on the verge of abject fury. Judging from her expression, it appeared to be the former.

"What? Oh hey, Mom. What's up?" I guiltily looked up from my dish, feeling a little tremor in my heart that always happened when I heard that tone of voice. "Did I do something wrong?"

"You're doing the dishes. It's not your turn to do them, is it?"

"It's not, but I figured I'd give Jo-Elle a break. She's been working so hard lately," I said casually, my shoulders dropping in relief as I put away the last of the plates. The load had been small and most of it did not require re-soaking, so it was hardly a burden. "By the way, Mason's volleyball game is on tonight, right? Do you want to watch together and maybe I'll massage your arm?"

"That sounds like a great idea," my mother beamed a smile of disbelief, pleasantly shocked by the suggestion that I not only wanted wanted to watch sports with her, but offered bonus perks willingly. "You seem to be in a good mood, less grumpy and not acting like-" She rolled her eyes and did an overly dramatic sigh that sounded more like a lion in heat. "What's gotten into you?"

Memories of Izuku holding me and declaring his feelings for me caused another burst of warmth into my cheeks, fueling my ever growing smile. "Nothing~ I just had a really good day today and happen to have energy leftover."

"I'm glad. I know Masako has been keeping you late at work for all hours, but you've worked so hard lately, my little busy worker bee. You are growing up so much." She reached over and gave me a big bear hug that I tried to return, hands still covered with suds. I smiled through the lie, not having the heart to tell her that I had actually been out with a boy, something she would not have approved of. Was this what Jo-Elle felt like all the time?

"Let me just finish up here and then I'll pull up YouTube on the Roku so we can watch, 'kay?"

"Oh-kay!" Mom declared, marching over to sit on the lumpy yellow couch we'd had since I was eight that had become her second bed. I finished up the silverware and pulled up the Mooresville High School boys volleyball team. Basketball season was over, but in a small town filled with cousins that did nothing put play sports yearlong, there was rarely a dull moment.

"Who are they playing?"

"I think it's Monrovia, this time." I pressed Play. I'll just stay for the first game, I thought to myself. A couple hours later, the front door clicked open and Jo-Elle walked into her own unusual sight.

"Hey, I'm home-" Jo-Elle greeted after kicking off her glaze splattered All-Stars, but she was largely ignored, cut-off by the loud jeers in the living room.

"NOOOO!" I shouted at the screen.

"OH COME ON!" Mom shouted, sitting on the edge of her seat after the libero barely missed the ball that had skated over the net.

"THAT WAS AN ILLEGAL SPIKE!" I yelled. "HIS FOOT WAS RIGHT ON THE LINE! CALL IT, REF!"

"Hey guys~ Whatcha up to?" Curious, I turned to see that Jo-Elle donning a smirk, like she was barely containing a burble of giggles.

"Jo-Elle, you are missing the game of the century!" Mom declared.

"Yeah! Get in on this! Use your Haikyuu! knowledge!"

"Oooh just let me get changed first and I'll be right back," Jo-Elle said before the two older Blakes groaned.

"We're never seeing her again," Mom mumbled, giving me a knowing look while I shook my head.

"Nope."

"Don't count me out yet!" Jo-Elle whined, stomping her mismatched Hufflepuff socks on the bottom stair. "Just pause the game. I'll be right down."

"Nope. You snooze, you lose," Mom grinned.

"It's on YouTube! It's not like it's live! This game happened yesterday in Indiana!"

"Doesn't matter. You'll be in that bathroom for hours."

"I do my Instagraming for my art account when I'm in there!"

I rolled my eyes, recalling hearing noises of Naruto episodes playing in the background. "Suuure ya do." Jo-Elle did a mock pout.

"You guys are mean when you watch sports."

"Can't help it. It's our competitive natures," I smirked with a grandiose attitude. Once she knew Mom wasn't looking, Jo-Elle shared a sly look with me before retreating up the stairs. I waited until the timeout before getting up from my seat.

"I'll be right back, Mom. I gotta ask Jo-Elle a question."

"Okay, but don't leave me in suspense for too long. The game is just getting good. Boudy is just starting to make a comeback."

"Oh don't worry, I wouldn't want to be... be-hind."

Mom laughed briefly at my terrible pun before cheering for the unfortunately named libero. "Come on, Boudy! Get your booty on the court!"

I smiled before running up the stairs. The truth was, Jo-Elle and I actually hadn't seen each other for more than two minutes since our night out. I was always up and out of the house before she woke up in the morning for work, and she would often come late at night before jumping into the shower. After the party, I'd been so worn out that I just went for a straight shower collapsed in bed before I ever saw her. Judging from how she had pulled me into the bathroom the instant I saw her, I realized that would all change.

Jo-Elle flipped on the vent fan and began playing her Taylor Swift Pandora station on her shower speakers at full blast. "Okay spill. How'd it go with you and Izuku?"

"Well it kinda went down hill after I bumped into him and knocked half the food off the table after you left," I admitted, scratching the back of my head. "It turns out it wasn't a date, but Izuku was very understanding."

"Oh no, I'm so sorry," Jo-Elle patted my shoulder.

"But-" I interjected. "-it gets better." I began regaling Jo-Elle with details of the night after she had left, cutting out the exact extent of my near meltdown but leaving in the confession and the exciting escort home. Jo-Elle ooh'd and ahh'd at the right parts, eyes sparkling with mirth and pride. Once I had gotten to the escort home, she melted like a snowman in Death Valley.

"Aww that was so considerate of him. I'm so jealous. I want a hero to fly me home."

"Well technically he didn't fly so much as jump."

"Okay but you still got taken home by a superhero. It's like it came straight out of a comic-book," Jo-Elle said before adopting a coy smirk. "Sooo... did he kiss you?" Whatever face I was making only caused her smirk to widen, my face feeling hot at the memory of accidentally kissing Izuku on the corner of his mouth. "HE DID! He did kiss you, didn't he!"

"NO! GAWD, NO! Shut up! Mom will hear you!" I shushed her, wanting to bury myself in my XIII Order hoodie. "He didn't kiss me. He..." I trailed off, shoving my hands into my hoodie pocket. It didn't count. That didn't count. It was an accident and barely even on the lips. If it did, technically I was the one who kissed him. "He just... gave me a hug."

"Awww~ so cute!"

"Yeah... When he took me home, he was about to leave before he was like 'can I give you a hug?' all shy-like and then he hugged me."

"He asked for a hug?" Jo-Elle gushed before clapping her hands. "Consent! Bless! This! Boy!"

"I KNOW! He is the most precious of cinnamon rolls, he's such a soft boi!" I squealed, clapping my own hands together before pressing them to my lips.

"So when are you guys going on your real date?" I paused at Jo-Elle's question. The question had never come up after the party, too sick with anxiety to just calm down over the fact that I had sort of kissed him, but eventually I had plucked up the courage to ask and gave him days I was available.

"This Sunday. We're going to meet up after lightsaber class."

"Oooh make sure you get a shower in after that. The rec center has showers for the pool, right?"

"Yeah, but it's like... a communal shower."

"Oh..." Jo-Elle paused. "Well there should still be one for girls. Just think of it like high school gym class and just get in and out. You don't want to smell gross on your date."

"Right. Good point." I hummed. Izuku had walked with me from lightsaber class for weeks now, so seeing me covered in sweat was hardly going to be a shock to him. That had been as friends though. It wouldn't hurt to give him a reason to come closer.

"Speaking of which, I'm gonna hop in the shower real quick. Try not to ruin the nice vibe you got goin' with Mom while I'm gone."

"I won't." I was ushered out into the hall and the door closed quietly behind me. I sighed, feeling like a weight had fallen off of my shoulders. It felt nice to tell someone about this. I thought of my mother downstairs and felt a sliver of melancholy of never being able to truly share the feeling with her. At least, not yet and not to this extent. Other than that, I was still riding the coattails of the high Izuku had put me in- I didn't condone people who did drugs, but I understood the fulfillment that they felt if this was how they felt when under the influence. Who else could I tell to extend this high? Gabby would be awake, but I had already told her everything the moment I knew she had a free moment through a massive text dump for fear of my mother overhearing.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, showing a Patre0n PM over my Mint-Bunny locked screen.

SmallMight39: Sorry if I'm bothering you. I was just curious how your date went.

My heart fluttered nervously in my chest at the sight of his name. I had been so wrapped up in my own feelings of anxiety and euphoria that I had never gotten back to him, not even after posting my page for the week (I hadn't even participated in the Saturday movie stream, just streaming the third Inuyasha movie on autoplay). Izuku had been one thing, feeling so anxious anytime I even thought of trying to pick up my phone and text him, now that the relationship dynamic between us had changed. But I had known SmallMight39 even longer than I had known Gabby- I felt like I owed it to him to keep him in the loop. I had told myself that it was fine that I needed time to process these new feelings, that it was okay to go dark for a little while, but I couldn't help feeling a flicker of guilt, like I was flaunting my relationship status in front of him. I looked back at the older messages above it, the ones I had ignored for almost two days.

SmallMight39: How did it go?
SmallMight39: Your date, I mean.

It should be fine though, right? He had asked me first, and he had a date too, right? I should be fine to tell him, as long as I didn't go into heavy detail. Jo-Elle had already looked pretty burnout from when I had info-dumped her with all the details, having to pull me back into the conversation anytime I started going into a side-tangent.

Muse-Musume: Horrible. Huge disaster.
Muse-Musume: ...I'm seeing him next week. :3

SmallMight39: Good for you?

Muse-Musume: Yes~ How about you?

SmallMight39: About the same. I got the date and times wrong so she came early. It worked out though. I'm going to see her again this Sunday.

Muse-Musume: Oof I've been there. Good for you tho! I'm so happy for you!

SmallMight39: Thanks. I'm glad you're happy too.

Muse-Musume: Isn't it funny that we both had awkward first dates? I feel like we were secretly the other person's wing-man to help it go well.

SmallMight39: LOL
SmallMight39: Hopefully he's good enough to deserve you.

Muse-Musume: LOL If I'm being honest, I hope I'm enough to deserve him.

SmallMight39: Of course you are! You're great! Any guy would be lucky to have you.

Muse-Musume: Aww thnx /././

SmallMight39: By the way, don't take this the wrong way but...
SmallMight39: Believe it or not, I used to have a huge crush on you.

My phone fell from my hand, bonking me across the nose. I clutched my nose which thankfully didn't appear to be broken or bleeding. SmallMight39 had a crush on me?!

Muse-Musume: WHAT
Muse-Musume: YOU DID? ? ?
Muse-Musume: WHEN WAS THIS?!

SmallMight39: About nine years ago, when I was still in middle school /././.
SmallMight39: I'm not like that now, obviously, but I feel a little protective over you.

Middle school nine years ago... Then that meant SmallMight was around my age. Why did he like me then? I barely had anything out other than cringey fan-art of superheroes and pokémon.

Muse-Musume: Wow... I had no idea... I'm touched. /././

SmallMight39: Yeah I had this idea that one day you would come to Japan and we would meet and start dating.
SmallMight39: Then some stuff happened and I didn't really think about it again until I got the grant to study abroad for a year in the US.
SmallMight39: I thought about looking you up when I was there! But I didn't know where you lived and I didn't want to bother you if you lived far away, and I got so busy that the whole year flew by.
SmallMight39: And then when it actually happened and you moved over here to Japan, I had moved on and nothing ever happened so...

An unexpected, small mist of tears gathered behind my eyelids before I pressed my thumb and forefinger into the corner of my eyes. The words were almost burned into my retinas: I. Had. Moved. On. I guess his relationship with the girl was blossoming into something more. I stared at the small pot of parsley that grew on my windowsill, the words of "Scarborough Fair" flitted into my head unhindered.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
'Remember me,' to one who lives there
He once was a true love of mine...

Muse-Musume: Wow that's so funny. My sister had the exact same thought.

This was all my fault. I was the one that never came forward with my feelings for fear of being put at risk, and now I was paying the price. I shouldn't have been this should have been the equivalent of trying to buy a cute Hot Topic t-shirt you didn't know was back in stock, only to find out that it was sold out. Was I still not over it?

SmallMight39: Saying it out loud, it does sound kinda silly... ^w^;

Muse-Musume: Not entirely...

I thought of how earnest Izuku had been in declaring his feelings, how bold Bakugou had been in trying to convince him to do that same. Just do it, I thought as the image of Shia LeBouff yelling at me flooded into my head. Just do it, you fucking coward! It's okay to admit it now. No one that cares will ever know...

Muse-Musume: I... MIGHT have, possibly, humored the idea that if it turned out you were a guy, I might have pursued you for a possible relationship...
Muse-Musume: Only if we had met IRL though!

The next couple of seconds fall heavy and slow like pushing a bale of hay up a hill. Finally, I heard the chime on my phone and immediately refreshed my PM box.

SmallMight39: ...Holy whoa, I had no idea!

Muse-Musume: Ya. I guess it was really never meant to be.
Muse-Musume: I'm glad that the things are working out with your girl though.
Muse-Musume: Online relationships never really worked out for me in the past, so it's probably for the best that we didn't meet.
Muse-Musume: We're older now. Wiser.

SmallMight39: Yeah...
SmallMight39: Hey, maybe we could meet up for real at one point? Just for fun.

Muse-Musume: Maybe... I'll I have to check my schedule.
Muse-Musume: Anyways, good luck on your date.

SmallMight39: You too

I dropped my phone onto the bed before resting my head into my hands, my sweaty fingers pushing back the stray strands of hair like a fleshy headband. My heart was like two pit-bulls tugging on opposite ends of a twisted, stretched-out sock. On one hand, I was happy with Izuku- I thought he was cute, kind, and genuinely wanted to be with him. But on the other hand, my head wouldn't stop fantasizing what could have been with SmallMight39, the ultimate 'what if' scenario of meeting online and falling in love with your best friend. My safety net. I almost wanted to kick myself for being so wishy-washy, so indecisive and flaky. The episode of Phoebe being unable to choose between the firefighter and the teacher boyfriend suddenly made perfect sense to me.

Steady, old girl. Say I had decided on SmallMight, that was over ten years of build-up, of conversations had about my work and embarrassing confessions about my latest obsession, hero related or otherwise. Chances were that meeting each other would change everything. Even if it didn't and all the stars could have aligned exactly in the right way, checking off all of my boyfriend boxes of highly impossible standards, there might be no chemistry once I met him outside of the chatroom, effectively ruining the friendship all together and losing one of my oldest and highest paid patron- which wasn't just violating a code of ethics but would land me a potential scandal that could end my career before it started simply because I knew him when we were minors.

Then I thought of Izuku holding me, how wonderful and satisfying it had been to be held and loved by an actual, physical person. Not even fan-girling over my mystery hero had given me that sense of fulfillment. That warmth, that feeling I felt, had been real. This was real, not all of those could-have-been fake relationships and fantasies I had fueled for so long.

"Alyssa, you fall asleep up there or what?" my mother shouted from downstairs. I clenched involuntarily and then relaxed. I needed to wake up. I couldn't dream about this any longer. I took in another breath, allowing my mind and eyes to clear, and then let it go.

This relationship was different. It wasn't going to end like the last one. I refused to let that happen.


Author's Note: References are Memories of Matsuko, Haikyuu!, Kingdom Hearts, Inuyasha the Movie 3: Sword of an Honorable Swordsman, Phoebe Buffay from Friends, Pokémon, and "Scarborough Fair" (sang by many people, but mostly Simon & Garfunkel). I've heard a good handful of "Feeling Good" covers, some by Michael Bublé, one by Dez Duron, but I was surprised to find one by Muse, out of all bands. It was not my intention but feel free to imagine which ever version you enjoy pops into your head. The one by Michael Bublé was from Memories of Matsuko.