Chapter 44

Binge-watching mind-numbing sitcoms was something I always did when I was sick. Even though my glasses were gone, and I was being kept in the hospital for observation, those were no exceptions to that rule. The Office played softly in the background on my phone since I had already finished Parks and Recreation and Friends had been done to death. I was currently listening to the paper airplane contest episode with my eyes closed- Jim and Pam's relationship had hollowed out from the picture perfect fairy-tale it had once been and had started to go to marriage counseling -when the nurse came in to check up on me.

"Alright, Miss Blake, it looks like everything's coming out clean for you on your chart. Your toxicology test came back clean, and it appears that your head trauma is nothing more than a superficial cut on the forehead. That being said, how are you feeling today?"

My eyelids peeled back to look at the nurse at the edge of my bed, my hair wild and free of hair-ties. "Is a splitting headache supposed to be normal?" My phone didn't bother me since I kept the volume so low, but the slow thrumming pulse behind my eye was annoying. Then again, maybe it was because I was trying to see without my glasses.

"It can be a side-effect. On a scale of one to ten, how high is your pain?"

"Umm... About a six or seven, I think?"

"Okay, then we'll get you some acetaminophen to help with the pain."

My fingers dug into the yellow scarf lying on my lap, tracing the green buttons- I called it a scarf but really I couldn't figure out exactly what this gnarled piece of fabric was. The fabric was so worn, it resembled a poncho or the remnants of a cowl, but on me it looked more like a ratty scarf. I couldn't recall exactly where I had picked it up, being found with it when I had been dropped off at the ER like some sort of overdosed druggie, but it had come with my bag of belongings and it smelled pleasant enough, like peppermint and old people. "...Am I allowed to go home soon?"

"Almost. We just need to keep you a bit longer to make sure you have no ill effects like a concussion or a relapse. Once everything checks out, you can go home on Monday." Monday!? That was three days from now! In America, they only kept you in the hospital for twenty four hours for observation.

"Is that really necessary? I feel fine."

"We just want to be absolutely sure you're in peak physical health. It's not often that we come across a person without a Quirk, much less one that has been injected with something like Trigger," the nurse's voice sobered. "You're lucky to be alive, Miss Blake. Those drugs that you were injected with were Quirk-enhancers well above the normal legal limit. Whatever nasty drugs you were shot up with would have likely killed you if you had a Quirk."

A hollow chuckle left my lips, coupled with a sardonic smile. "So my superpower is that I have no superpowers? The irony... So what, was I basically given one massive adrenaline shot?"

"In medical terms, no, but your body did experience a reaction similar to an adrenaline rush. The excitant stimulated your heart and respiratory rate, and the sedative that you inhaled shortly after caused your body to overwork itself with one trying to cancel out the other. It's generally not a good idea to mix stimulants and depressants. Such a mixture can cause heart attacks or even put people into comas. After the ordeal you've been through, I believe a headache is a small price to pay."

"...I guess that makes sense," I relented. For a country known for working their citizens to death, they sure love long hospital stays...

She wrapped a blood pressure sleeve around my upper arm, giving me a pins and needles sensation as the armband squeezed, something I was not comfortable with. "Hmm... 125 over 80. Your blood pressure still appears to be a bit high." Tch, yeah I'll bet. After taking a few more vitals, the nurse went to her cart and sat down a lunch tray on the bed table with a small paper cup with two white pills and a small water-bottle. "I'll be back to check in later. Call if you need anything."

Once she left, I swallowed the painkillers and pressed Play on my phone. I'd been hoping she was going to bring me my outpatient paperwork, but apparently that was no longer in the cards for me. I lifted the rectangular cover dish to find omurice, miso soup, white rice, fried squid rings, apple slices, and a cup of Jell-O all in individual food bowls. Despite how delicious the spread looked, anxiety kept my appetite low. Since I had been admitted, it had been round the clock tests and blood work- there was even talk of bringing in a specialist -but none of that compared to the worry I had about all of my plans being thrown into a woodchipper and the consequences that would inevitably follow.

Searching for the plainest food, I plucked a piece of rice into my mouth with my chopsticks and continued watching The Office. I suffered through most of the morning watching the final season, hopeful and patient enough that all the relationship drama would be worth waiting for the happy ending. Now it was afternoon. Sestra Towers is probably in the middle of their own lunch rush by now. I bet they're understaffed without me helping out in the kitchen... I forced that thought down, not wanting to worry about who was covering for me at work, but it was difficult with so many things on my mind.

"(Why, don't you look so cute in your kimono and little bento box spread)," I looked up to see Jo-Elle lingering in the doorway. "(Mind if I have some?)"

"(Knock yourself out.)"

"(Seriously? Wow, you really are sick.)"

"(Ha ha... So are you here to spring me? 'Cause apparently, I'm not supposed to be discharged until Monday.)"

"(Nah, I'm just here for the free Jell-O. Plus, I figured you'd want a change of clothes.)" The slight uplifting lilt in her voice betrayed her teasing nature as she tossed the shopping bag onto the visitor chair. "(Sorry, I couldn't find your glasses. You have too many junk drawers to sift through.)"

"(That's alright. I haven't used my spare pair in years. I'll look for them when we get home... but seriously, take my food. They are so strict around here. They want you to eat all of your food but only when they tell you, and the portions are so small. I had to wake up a seven am this morning for breakfast for a tiny bowl of rice, milk, and miso soup!)"

"(Whoa, no wonder you're so grumpy.)"

"(No kidding... So where's Momma?)"

"(She's in the lobby with Cheri talking with some of the doctors. They're wanting her to sign off on a specialist.)"

I slumped back into the stiff mattress with a groan before the scent of flowers hit my nose. "(Is that-?)" I sniffed the air and squinted at the colorful blur in Jo-Elle's hands before it finally focused, revealing a green vase with an arrangement of pink stargazer lilies. "(You bought me flowers? Thank you! I love them.)" I inhaled, taking in the calming, familiar scent of my favorite flowers and reached out to them.

"(Hold on. Just let me get all of the pollen thingies off so they don't leave a stain, otherwise there's no point in bringing you fresh clothes.)" Jo-Elle placed the vase by the sink, snatched a paper towel from the dispenser and began plucking the orange anthers from the pink and white petals.

"(I didn't think you could buy stargazers in Japan. I thought you could only get them in the Midwest.)"

"(Yeah, I uhh... had some help tracking them down)," Jo-Elle said distractedly, careful to avoid the reddish brown pollen stains from touching her tie-dyed sweater sleeves. "(Nice scarf, by the way. The hospital give that to you too?)"

I glanced down at the yellow cloth I had wrapped around my neck. "(Oh... no, the hospital found me with it when I got dropped off. Apparently, my rescuer left it with me before he took off. Keeps me warm in this chilly hospital bed. I swear, they do not give us enough blankets here.)" I rambled. The doctors and staff did their best to fill in the blanks after I gave them my own barebones account of what happened, but I still had no clue how I went from dodging villains in Akihabara to waking up a hospital bed in Korusanto. Outside of that brief rundown, this had been the first time I had brought up the incident, mostly because I was afraid I would indict myself by admitting I was in a fight, even if it was self-defense. I had just given SmallMight a brief text about the incident saying that an emergency had come up, though he had yet to reply. "(By the way, I've been meaning to ask- how did you know where to find me? No one asked me for my emergency contact and it's not like I could've given it to anybody while I was unconscious, especially since I can never remember your international number-)" Jo-Elle bit the inside of her cheek. "(...What?)"

"(I swore I wasn't going to say anything until later but... right when I was about to call you during our designated check-in time, Izuku showed up at my pottery studio banging on my door telling me you were in the hospital.)"

"(What?! Izuku? Why would he-!?)"

"(I don't know. He didn't really stick around to explain. He just showed up and hoped that I would still be there since he knew that's where I worked but... judging by how messed up he looked, I think he was the one who saved you.)"

A switch had flipped in my head as I mulled over her words, a million questions flooding to the surface. Izuku had rescued me? Why? When? I tried to think back to any memories of him being there in the alley, but all I drew were blanks, my head in such a fog that anything I could hear was muted, like swimming underwater. Then I looked at the fabric in my lap and realized it had been a piece of Deku's costume, though it was such a small part of his costume, I didn't think much of it.

"(I can tell you need to process this. I'm going to go downstairs and see if there's anything good in the vending machines. I'll bring you back something.)" Whatever expression I had been wearing must've resembled a computer crash as Jo-Elle quickly made her exit. I made no motion to stop her.

My phone was like white noise to me in the background. My head was just so full. Full of questions, full of emotions, full of my own personal anxieties, like why had Izuku been there and why save me when I had done nothing but give him heartache- but out of all the random things that showed up, a Bible verse was what stuck with me from Jim and Pam's wedding. It wasn't a direct quote from the Bible, having heard different versions of the verse at many of my cousins' weddings depending on the Bible, but the sentiment was the same. The parts about love being patient and kind and not being envious or proud or easily angered, about it always being about protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering- it was a good motto to follow.

Listening to it again only served as a reminder that I had done things with Izuku all wrong. I hadn't shown love or compassion to him by trying to make up with him. I had only been thinking of myself and how I felt because I missed him. Now, I just wanted to tell him that I was sorry, that I was grateful to have him in my life and that if he didn't want to stay, that was okay. Then I did the one thing I never expected to do, something I had broken my habit for since my parent's divorce: I prayed.

Despite being Lutheran, I wasn't really a person that relied heavily on religion. I believed in God and many of the things my church taught, but my automatic answer when things got bad wasn't to pray on things. So many people thought prayer was the answer, which to me just felt like such a cop-out, like they were telling you that you could pray away your problems because they asked an all powerful deity when really, it was endurance. Endurance and faith that things would be better tomorrow, hope that eventually things would get better and that somehow you would find the strength to do what you needed. Maybe that's what God was for some people, a voice and something to believe in, a muse or inspiration that got them through the day by telling them that you weren't alone, that everything happened for a reason, and in the end, everything was going to be okay. A hero.

After everything that had happened to me, all the good and the bad, I felt like someone had to be looking out for me for the way things turned out. I had been extremely lucky, only coming out of it with scratches. Things could have always been worse, a mantra I always told myself when things looked bleak. Aristotle said that 'everything happens for a reason,' the credo of Pokémon Nuzlockes that I had taken to heart. It had to be an act of God for things to go down the way that they did, because that was the only explanation I had.

I couldn't recall how long I had stared across the room, focusing on the bouquet of stargazers, but my focus broke the instant I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, followed by a soft knock. "(You forget your Jell-O cup, Jo-Jo?)" I joked with false cheer, finally snapping out of my philosophical trance.

"Hey..." My breathing stilled at the soft voice. Without my glasses, all I could really distinguish at far distances were shapes and colors, but that voice, his voice, was unmistakable. The world seemed to stop turning the moment I peered at the green blur in the doorway and saw Izuku Midoriya walk in. "Can I come in?"

I couldn't speak. It was as if the words had died in my throat. The silence continued until I realized he was still waiting for my answer. I bobbed my head in lieu of being able to speak. Was this how Ariel felt when she gave up her voice to the sea witch? Too many thoughts rushed through my head, most of which was how disheveled I looked sitting there in my hospital bed. I sat up and straightened out the blue hospital kimono around my chest, hoping the binding would be enough to hide my cleavage.

"You know, out of all the places we could have picked to meet, I would've never expected it to be the hospital. Usually I'm the one in the hospital bed," the green blur joked to himself. "Are they treating you okay?"

"Meet? Wha- how-? What are you doing here?" I blurted out before elaborating, "I mean, don't hospitals only allow immediate family members for visitation?"

"The staff let me in. I told them I was the hero who rescued you and that I wanted to check to see if you were okay."

"So it was you..." Asking to see me felt like a gross use of his pro-hero authority, but in that moment I didn't care. I was just so glad to see him again. I wanted to ask him about what had happened, but I couldn't form the right words, so I gave him a lackluster 'thank you.' We sat there in that hollow awkward silence, each tick of the clock longer than the last, before I broke it. "Umm... how are you?"

"I feel like I should be the one asking you that."

"Oh, uh... I'm fine," I waited for him to reciprocate, but he said nothing. "They say I can go home on Monday."

"That's good," he replied, his voice a carefully neutral tone.

"Yeah." More awkward silence. This is so weird. Maybe he thinks I'm glaring at him and that he's intruding on my privacy. I did basically tell him to get lost. "Could you come a little closer? I can't see you so far away." My lips stretched into an encouraging smile at his hesitation. "Come on, I don't bite." He wavered for a moment, shuffling his feet by the entrance before edging his way into the room.

His fingers netted together, hands clenching and unclenching. "I've never seen you without your glasses before."

"Oh I... I broke them. I'm sure they're lost on the sidewalk somewhere." I almost wanted to laugh. I had not lost a pair of glasses in years, but here I was looking like Velma Dinkley. Thinking about it made me rub my eyes. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't think I looked prettier without glasses. Actually I thought I looked fairly masculine without them to hide my thick eyebrows and sunken in eyes that always seemed to have bags due to how late I would stay up. "You should see the other guy."

Something in his expression wavered before I noticed his verdant gaze flit towards my chest. His breathing hitched. "You're still wearing it..." At first, I'd thought he was talking about my kimono coming undone, but when I grabbed the front of my gown, the metal wings of the butterfly necklace pricked the inside of my palm.

My face ignited. "W-Well, yeah. It's a cute necklace. I'm not just going to throw it out over one fight."

"...I see," was all he said. I thought Izuku was going to continue, but then he changed the subject. "Has your family come to visit you yet?"

"My sister just left for the vending machine, and my mother's in the lobby," I said before recalling yet another debt I owed him. He was the reason my family had been able to find me, but it went beyond just that. Izuku could've run straight to my apartment at anytime to let my mother know where I was but he'd chosen to contact my sister first instead. Anxious as I was to admit I was in the hospital, I was grateful that my family knew where I was and that he hadn't run to my mother first. "...Thank you."

"For what?"

"A lot of things. Mostly for you finding and telling my sister where I was... and your discretion."

"You're welcome." And just like that, the silence was back. His verdant gaze watched me like I was something on display and vice versa. It was like we were in some sort of awkward standoff. Unlike Izuku, who appeared more cautious and watchful, I was taking in the softness of his unkempt hair and the contrast of his colorful appearance against the stark hospital room. He really did look good in his hero costume, but all good things must come to an end. I took one last look memorizing his face, saying my goodbyes in my head before I broke the moment.

"Izuku... why are you really here?" I asked, finally acknowledging the elephant in the room. I don't know if being blind helped, but not being able to clearly see his reaction made me feel braver. "Obviously you didn't just come here to make small talk. You look like you have something on your mind."

"...There was another reason, but it can wait-"

"No. No more waiting. Whatever it is you have to say to me, just say it. I can't take this awkward tension anymore." Izuku's lips pressed into a thin line, avoiding my gaze. I offered him a vacant smile. "...It's the incident, right? You need to know what happened to me for your paperwork." There was the slightest twitch in his guarded expression that betrayed his emotions, but that was enough. My heart sank.

There it was, plain as day. He wasn't here for me. He just wanted my accounts of the incident for his agency, for the police. Nausea crept at the back of my throat. The truth was I had been dreading this encounter ever since I delivered that first hit with my umbrella. I had spent the whole morning not knowing if the police were going to burst into my room and question me or going to charge me with assault; self-defense or not, I had taken an umbrella and bludgeoned someone in the head before tackling and assaulting a pro-hero, and since Izuku was on the scene, he was the one who was supposed to interrogate me for my statement. Wasn't there rules about not doing that in a hospital or something? I tried to think back on my research from crime shows but found I didn't care. Izuku could ask me anything he wanted, even if it incriminated me. I just wanted to be honest with him.

"I'm so stupid... The whole thing is, really. I should have just minded my own business and gone to the café like I was supposed to. I should have-" My breath quickened, my throat beginning to close up as my hands balled into fists. "I just should have talked to you instead of making things so complicated!"

"Wait, slow down. What are you talking about?" Izuku interjected, moving to my bedside. "What happened, Alyssa?"

"I don't know where to begin. I... I was going to Akihabara to meet a friend. I've known him for a really long time. We were going to meet up for the first time... gosh, at least a decade. We were-" I bit my lip. "...we were going to discuss you, actually. I wanted his advice on how to fix things with you, with us..." I tried not to look Izuku in the eyes as I said this, forcing myself to continue, "-but anyways, I ran into this kid at the store. He was short on funds and looked hungry so I paid for the rest of his groceries. Then he came back and pretended we were friends because some guy was stalking him so I tried to hellp him get away and-" The rest of the words tumbled out of my mouth as if a faucet had been turned on, spewing forth until I had drained every bit out of me. By the end, I was out of breath, my hands shaking with adrenaline. Izuku grew real quiet after that. "The boy... is he okay?"

"What boy?"

"The kid with the white hair, Hi... Hibachi or something. He was with me when we were attacked."

"You mean 'Hitachi.'" I nodded. "He's fine... A little shaken up, but he's safe."

"Thank god..." The pressure on my chest lessened somewhat, though it didn't alleviate the tears welling in my eyes. "...Am I going to jail?" I asked in a small voice, suddenly feeling six inches tall instead of six feet. Don't cry. Don't cry.

Izuku's expression went from pensive to bewildered. "What!? Why would you think you're going to jail?"

"Because you're here to question me. Why else would a hospital allow someone other than family visit a patient in the ICU other than to question them?"

He leaned in closer, trying to meet my gaze. "Is that what you think? That I'm here to arrest you?"

"I don't know..." I whimpered, eyes focusing on my clenched fists. "I've never been in trouble like this before."

"You told me yourself that you tried to save him. I'm not going to arrest you like some villain for defending yourself."

My head snapped up to meet his gaze. "But I acted like it! I hit that man and- and I've been so mean to you! I was anxious and h-hurt and ups-s-set for things that w-weren't your fault and I-!" I collapsed in a fit on my sheets. I had remembered somewhere vaguely that Japanese people prostrate themselves as an ultimate sign of humility and penance. I wasn't sure if girls were supposed to do it, only seeing guys in anime doing it onscreen for gags, but in that moment I just honestly couldn't take being upright anymore. "I'm sorry, Izuku! I'm so so sorry! I n-never meant to hurt you-" My vision blurred, eyes stinging with salt-water as the tears came fast. "-And please don't be swayed by my tears! This is just an involuntary action from anxiety after a really crappy week!"

Sitting there trying to keep my tears at bay, I prayed that he would still want to be in my life. As much as I wanted forgiveness, I wanted him. I bargained that even if we didn't date again, I still wanted to remain friends. Anything for him to not be out of my life. And if that was too painful for him and he wanted to move on and be with someone else and hangout with someone else, I would let him because I wanted him to be happy... and because I deserved it. I never wanted to see him make that face again.

I checked to see Izuku had left. He was still there, not saying anything, still not accepting my apology. He moved a little closer though, now sitting on the edge of my bed. "...Please say something," I mumbled, finally getting a reign on my emotions. Suddenly, I felt arms reach out and pull me close into a tight embrace, and I felt like crying all over again. My lip started to quiver as my voice broke. "Why...? Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because you looked like you needed a hug." I felt him hum through his chest. I fought to push him away, but he just reinforced his grip on me. Why was he comforting me, after all the horrible things I had said? I hung my head in shame. I didn't deserve his forgiveness. He was too good, too kind to someone like me, but I wanted it. I wanted it more than I ever wanted anything, but I couldn't help feeling unworthy of it. Still, I had to try. I had to make that first step and stop being a fucking coward.

"Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for everything. I should have apologized sooner-"

"I've already forgiven you."

I pulled back to look at him, shock numbing me to my core. "...What? Then why-?"

"I wanted to see if you forgave me."

My brow furrowed. Now I was the one that was confused. "Wha- Why do I need to forgive you?"

"Because... if I had just told you the truth, we wouldn't be in this situation right now."

"I told you that wasn't your fault. I was just angry-"

"I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about how you wanted to meet up in Akihabara at the building from Steins;Gate," Izuku interjected, his own tears starting to gather in his green eyes. "If I had just told you who I was when I found out instead of forcing you to meet me in public, you wouldn't be in the hospital right now..."

"Wait wait wait, hold on! Back up! What are you talking about? When was I going to meet you at the Radio-?" Realization dawned on me. I had told only one other person about how I knew Akihabara. Now, I saw Izuku with a certain clarity, as if looking at him with a different lens. "...Smol?" His lips pressed together into a grimace. "SmallMight39?"

He gave me a small, uneasy smile. "...Hi, Muse-chan."

My mind raced, piecing bits of information together like it had found the final missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle- our age, Izuku's obsession with All Might and heroes, his speech mannerisms, little inside references that only he and I understood -all the evidence stacked itself neatly together in a way that made sense than it ever had with Hitachi's false claims. Izuku was SmallMight39, the online Quirkless boy I had met and fallen in love with after knowing him for over ten years- the same person who was my inspiration and celebrity crush, Deku. He was all of the men I loved in my life lumped together into one person... and I had just lost him forever. A hollow chuckle left my lips, sounding more delirious than crazy as I laughed into the bedspread at the karmic joke. "Of course you are... Why not? The universe just loves throwing me curveballs."

"You mean you're not mad?" Izuku asked almost hesitantly.

I peered up at him. Mad...? Maybe in a crazy sense. No, if anything, I was in shock. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt so much shame and guilt that anger from feeling vulnerable felt pointless. Izuku had already seen me at my worst, and I was already more vulnerable than I had ever been, so there was no point in lashing out to protect myself. If anything, it gave him more context to just how messed up I was as a person, thinking someone like him would have underhanded motives like pretending to be someone else in order to emotionally manipulate me. There was no place left to hide, no more lies to protect myself with, no more excuses to validate or explain myself with. I had lost.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter what I feel. If anyone has the right to be mad, it should be you. I've lied to you about who I was from the beginning just to keep my identity safe. I'm worse than a liar- I'm a hypocrite! I'm the worst kind of person and I-" I hiccupped, dry-heaving as fat tears rolled down my face. "I took it out on y-you, my best friend- my boyfriend -all b-because I was scared! S-Scared of what you'd t-think of me, that I w-wouldn't live u-up to your ex-expectations when you met me and th-that you'd leave m-m-me when things got hard or y-you got s-sick of me or l-lost patience w-with m-me-!" My chest shuddered, gasping for air as my voice pitched an octave higher. "-but y-you're not like that at all! If I had just g-gotten over m-myself and met you, t-trusted you, then I w-would have realized that, but I didn't, and I r-r-ruined it! I ruin everything I touch-!"

"No!" Izuku's arms were around me again, pulling me tight and secure against his chest. "No, Alyssa, don't you say that! You didn't ruin anything." His stern tone dropped to something soft as he gave my shoulders a light squeeze. "I'm so sorry. It must have been hard being so alone for so long... You've been suffering this entire time and I never knew. I should have known-" I shook my head, not wanting him to place that kind of burden on him. I could feel his own tears starting to wet my shoulder as I squeezed him back. "It's okay to cry. You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm here."

Then, like a weight had been lifted, I let out a soft cry. That tiny cry in the back of my throat built up until it was a long string of wails and sobs, bawling into his shoulder like a newborn child. Up until right there in that moment, I hadn't realized exactly how little I had been hugged like this and how much I had missed them until they were gone. He's so warm...

"...This is real, right? I'm not dreaming?" I managed to say once I had calmed down. Izuku's thumb brushed away the tears from the corner of my eye.

"No, it's not a dream." A green blur was all I could see, but it was the smell that did it for me. The strong scent of peppermint was distinct, something that even a dream couldn't replicate. I fought to ground myself to it by burying myself into his neck, breathing in the freshness of his scent and surrendering to his embrace. Izuku really did give the best hugs.


Author's Note: References today are Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo. Fun Fact: stargazer lilies were actually cultivated in California in the 70s, but you can find them all across the world in people's gardens. Of course, Alyssa doesn't know this, but the Midwest is one of the best places to grow them.

Also before any Christians start jumping on me for my incorrect NIV Bible verse, I paraphrased The Office quote from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 because the quote from the show is actually not from any version of the Bible I can find. I figured if the writers from that show can take liberties, then so can I.