Bunyan, Pecos, Appleseed and Kirk
by Rob Morris
ROMULUS, 2369
Spock was puzzled by the well-intentioned interloper's request. "Did you not condemn him as a cowboy, mere hours ago?"
The wait for Spock's Romulan contact weighed well upon all nerves, save those of the deactivated Data.
Picard shrugged. "It was hardly a condemnation, Mister Ambassador. That way of doing things was vitally needed then, but is greatly less so now. Largely, I might add, because when they were needed, the cowboys made this more genteel world possible. In fact, as I just said, one of my more selfish hopes in coming here was to hear you speak upon those times, perhaps give away some confidence that time now allows for."
Spock was noncommittal. "I am loathe to glory myself, Captain. One and all, we did as we must. As, I am reliably told, do you."
Picard had a look of near-pleading on his face. "If my crew should find out that I spent time in the company of Captain Kirk's good right arm, yet ended up with no stories of JTK, I fear that I shall have to answer for it."
Spock winced. "JTK? Does that then make Saavik's bondmate PCK? Are the Captain's brother, father and oldest nephew, to be known as GSK's One To Three? Was Captain Chekov PAC?"
"Please, Mister Ambassador. When, I ask you, will I have an opportunity such as this again?"
Spock, it was known, could find a way out of any and all situations. "Very well. Hear now the shocking truth about one of my friend Jim's most infamous missions."
2269
Captain Kirk looked out over the assembled crew in the valley beneath him.
"We encountered a slight problem, as you have become aware. Well, actually, several problems. First off, we somehow began beaming the initial survey party, the main landing party, and the personnel to go on shore leave all at once. Then, Mister Kyle, assuming that his already-beamed relief was in fact on his way to relieve him, used the self-timer and beamed down. As a result, we no longer have any personnel aboard the Enterprise."
Wiping the uncharacteristic sweat from his brow, Kirk informed his crew of what was to follow. "Mister Spock, Mister Scott and Lieutenant Uhura assure me that they can set up a series of relays and beam us back within the week, and our orbit was stable enough to not be concerned there. My concern is hearing about this from Starfleet for the next century or so."
Murmurs went up in the crowd. No one wanted to be razzed for this, it seems. Kirk nodded. "But we have an alternative. Mister Chekov, if you would?"
The future successor of James Kirk stepped up and began what would become the crew's wild cover story. "An alien vwoman came aboard Enterprise, rendered us all unconscious, and stole Meester Spock's Brain. Vwe then followed her to a now Prime-Directive-quarantined vworld vhwere men and vwomen, after a planetary disaster, chose to live separately, eventually developing into distinct societies. The vwomen had these odd neural-sapper wrist-devices..."
When Spock had finished, Picard smiled a parsec wide.
"You know, I had heard of that mission. It always sounded so very awkward. But as a cover-up story, it makes perfect sense. But Ambassador? Won't Captain Kirk's family be upset that you gave away such a secret? And can you provide any kind of verification? To my mind, there's simply no way 430 people could all keep that kind of secret."
Spock was soon up and out of the room, well away from the seated Frenchman. "You asked me for a James Kirk story, Captain. You never asked me whether or not it would be a real one."
