Chapter 20: In which two rivals go knocking their balls about

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AN: This chapter took a long time to get started as I didn't want to keep the same events for Golf War, but didn't see a particularly good way to weave Techno in, so this is more of an experimental chapter. We'll see how it turns out. It also took a long time to get finished, as writers block is a bit annoying.

Bonus points if you know which youtuber or youtube video the title idea came from. (I didn't have a title for most of the time I was working on this btw)

Discord: /eSSP2GtYQS

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Dipper Pines sat on Stan's Slee-P-Boi, eating some cereal and reading a book Technoblade had recommended called The Art of War by Sun Tzu. His Grunkle Stan poked his head into the living room.

"Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in 'em."

"Pass." Dipper said.

"It's here!" Mabel screamed, bursting through the front door. "Oh, it's here! It's here, it's here, it's here! I've been waiting all morning and it's finally here! The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it!" Mabel yelled, running into the ling room and then in circles before proudly showing the newspaper to her family.

"'Pacifica Northwest Declares V-Necks the Look of the Season'" Stan read aloud before processing what he had read. "What am I looking at here?"

"Woah, woah, WHAT?!" Mabel cried in shock, looking at the newspaper. Sure enough, Pacifica Northwest's (probably fake) blonde hair ringed face was plastered on the front page, attached to an article about V-necks.

"Looks like someone bought their way to the front page." Dipper grumbled, annoyed for his sister.

"Is it legal for a child to wear that much make-up?" Stan asked sardonically.

"Ugh, Pacifica. She always ruins everything." Mabel said, starting annoyed before getting sad as she crumpled the newspaper against her chest before dropping its mangled remains on the chair.

"Aw, cheer up Mabel! I mean, no one even reads newspapers anymore." Dipper comforted, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Dudes!" Soos yelled, slamming through the door separating the gift shop from the living room. "V-neck season is upon us! Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I'm taking it one step further, with a W-neck. Must... follow... newspaper..." Soos said, drawing a W into his shirt with a sharpie and then trying to cut along the dotted line with a pair of child scissors.

Mabel walked over to the table, poured herself a glass of orange juice, and downed the shot. "I need something to get my mind off this." Mabel groaned.

"Hey Mabel, listen to this." Dipper said, looking at the back of the newspaper. "'Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt: where ye olde words like victory, honor, destiny, and mutton are alive and well. Eighteen holes of feudal fun! Bonus deal, Hobo's golf free week!' Wait, there's a disclaimer in small text at the bottom. 'Old Man Mcgucket excluded from offer, you know what you did. No mutton available at snack shop.'" Dipper read, causing Mabel to perk up. "What do you say, Mabel? We've had a stressful couple of days. How 'bout we take a break, huh?"

"Hold on, that "discount" putt hut isn't even that cheap." Stan cut in.

"There's two buy one get one free coupons for a classic 18 holes. Plus, Mabel's been amazing at mini-golf since we were young." Dipper stated, showing his grunkle a scrapbook with pictures of Mabel mini-golfing.

"Hmm, I don't know. Mabel sweetie, would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?" Stan asked.

"Maybe a little." Mabel admitted.

"Come on, Mabel! Victory!" Dipper cried, thrusting his fist into the air.

"Honor!" Mabel yelled, also putting her fist in the air.

"Destiny!" Stan declared, joining his great niece and nephew in punching the sky.

"Mutton!" Soos yelled, finishing the quartet and raising his fist.

The four trooped out of the shack, pumping their fists and chanting. ""Victory, honor, destiny, mutton, victory, honor, destiny, mutton!""

"And the pig can look after the house!" Soos declared at he shut the door behind him. Waddles, who was on the Slee-P-Boi accepted his post with great humility and honor. He oinked.

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The Pines and Soos oohed and aahed as they entered the mini-golf course. There was a wide variety of themes, from knights and dragons to the equally fictional France that was not on fire. A large portion of the town was paying mini-golf, as it was a beautiful day and the Discount Royal Putt Hut was running a good deal.

"Ah, mini-golf; the sport of mini champions!" Mabel declared happily standing next to her brother at the first hole.

"The grass is fake, but the fun is real! There's a little something for everyone!" Dipper agreed, unaware that he sounded like a certain game review company well known for being bad at video games and giving inflated review scores.

The Pines and Soos began playing through the holes, with Mabel easily taking the lead by managing to exclusively get hole in ones despite never playing that specific course before. Because, as we all know, each mini-golf course is unique and it would be ridiculous to expect someone new to a course to outperform someone who grew up with it, especially with the randomness of mini-golf. Stan and Soos were around par, while Dipper was the only one challenging Mabel, often only a stroke or two behind on each hole.

The group reached the aforementioned dragon themed hole and Dipper went first. "Focus… focus… and egnh!" Dipper grunted as he swung his club. The club connected with the ball and the ball bounced its way up the hill, through the dragon, and out the other side before stopping just short of the hole.

"Don't worry, bro. You're still Ext-roar-dinary!" Mabel said, trying to cheer up Dipper while slapping a dinosaur sticker on his face.

"I'll take what I can get." Dipper said, moving out of the way to let Mabel shoot.

Mabel set down her red ball and prepared to swing. "Do the hip wiggle, and eh!" Mabel said as she swung. The ball raced through the obstacles on the track, flew out the dragon's tail, bounced off Old Man Mcgucket's nose and fell into the hole.

"Wha? How'd I get here?" Mcgucket asked in confusion as he shot awake.

"Yes!" Mabel fist pumped.

"Holy smokes! Someone in our family actually has talent!" Stan exclaimed in surprise.

"Grunkle Stan, you ain't seen nothing yet!" Dipper declared. Soos was standing beside the two Pines men, happy both to be included and because his friend was doing well. The group kept playing through the course, eventually ending up at hole 18 with a crowd who were impressed by Mabel's skill.

"Guys, this is amazing! If Mabel gets a hole in one here, she'll have gotten a perfect eighteen on her first try!" Dipper said to Soos and Stan, causing the crowd to begin to murmur.

Mabel concentrated. 'You can do it, Mabel! Pretend the ball is Pacifica's face!' Mabel thought before swinging. The ball glided over the CosmoSod (Gravity Falls AstroTurf), slipping between the blades of the windmill with ease and clattering through the inside. The ball exited the middle of three exits on the back of the windmill, headed directly for the hole when an unbalance in the field caused it to miss the hole.

"Aww nuts!" Mabel yelled, throwing down her golf club like all professional amateur golfers. The crowd wandered away in disappointment. Mabel stepped up again and putted the ball in with ease, but was at nineteen, an absolute failure of a number.

"Ah, don't worry about it kid. The thing's random!" Stan said, encouraging Mabel.

"Yeah, besides the Bermuda's Triangle, how mini-golf works is our world's greatest mystery." Soos added his wisdom.

Stan continued to cheer Mabel up. "As far as I'm concerned, you're still better than anyone else in Gravity…" Stan was cut off by a purple ball falling into the hole. The Pines and Soos gasped, turning to look at who hit the ball.

"Oh, would you look at that? I didn't know it was "hobos golf-free" day!" Pacifica Northwest, local mean rich girl, said. Behind Pacifica stood her parents and an unknown man.

"Pacifica!" Mabel ground out.

"Actually, it's hobo's golf free week, hence why you got let in." Dipper snarked. The crowd that had returned when they saw Pacifica all had their jaw drop simultaneously. Pacifica's eyes grew wide in shock, and she took a few seconds to reboot.

"I-I have enough money to make your head spin! You-!" Pacifica started to yell before she was interrupted by the ringing of a bell.

"Now Pacifica, Northwests do not show emotions, that is for the poor." Preston Northwest said, pocketing his bell and walking away with his wife as he saw a fellow tycoon taking his child mini-golfing.

"Yes father." Pacifica agreed meekly before turning back to the Pines and Soos. "Well, I suppose you wouldn't count as hobo's with that hovel you call home. Did you want to get under a more solid roof? Is that why you left to go be bad at mini-golf?"

"Brag all you want, you just walked into the game of a mini-golf Champion!" Mabel declared.

"Ha!" Pacifica sneered. "Sergei!" Pacifica said, snapping her fingers and causing the now identified Sergei to step forward. "This is Sergei, my trainer!"

"The Sportylmpics had mini-golf once. I took gold!" The Russian declared, baring his chest to show off his gold medal.

"So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals! Hmpf..." Pacifica said, starting to walk off before being stopped.

"Oh, just one more thing." Dipper said in a New York accent. "What's your score?"

"Pardon?" Pacifica asked.

"Your score. You can't claim you're better without a score."

"I- of course I have a score. Sergei!" Pacifica ordered.

"Twenty-three!" Sergei declared, reading from the official score card.

"Now, if this farce is over, I have mini-golfing to do."

"Terribly sorry, but there's one fact you don't know, not that you could have known of course." Dipper said, reaching into his vest for his sister's score card.

"And what fact would that be?" Pacifica asked in annoyance.

"Well, you're claiming to be better than my sister with a score of twenty-three at golf. Now, as we all now, in golf the lower the score the better."

"So? Get to the point." Pacifica said, feigning disinterest while looking at her nails.

"Right you are, right you are. As I was saying, whoever has the lower number in golf is the winner. You have a very respectable twenty-three, much better than me, I'm sitting around thirty. However, my sister, the one you're competing against, has a score of nineteen. Now, I could be wrong, but I'm fairly certain that nineteen is less than twenty-three." Dipper said, finishing his argument. The crowd that had been watching the argument like a tennis match looked to Pacifica for her response.

Pacifica started blushing a bright red. "You probably fixed the score! Like you would tell the truth when it comes to your sister."

"Well, that is an interesting theory. How about we check with the crowd. Mr. 'Manly' Dan, how long were you watching my sister play?"

"From the first hole!" Manly Dan responded.

"And Dan-"

"Manly Dan!"

"Manly Dan, how many swings did Mabel take?"

"Nineteen!"

"Thank you Manly Dan." Dipper said, turning to Pacifica. "Well, it certainly seems like we didn't cheat, especially since we didn't even know you'd be here today."

Pacifica started to get desperate; her parents couldn't learn she had been out preformed by anyone! "Hmm, I need to see that score card before I say anything."

"Okay." Dipper said, handing the score card to her, smiling confidently.

"Oops." Pacifica said sarcastically as soon as she grabbed hold of it, throwing it into a puddle and stomping it. "Oh no, now we don't know how she did, what a shame. Enjoy second place. Give them a hand, everyone!" The crowd looked uncomfortable as they started to clap. Pacifica smiled smugly as she began to walk away. Preston and Priscilla Northwest walked back to their daughter, nodding in approval at her underhanded strategy.

"Oh, yeah? Well... I want a rematch, you... you… WALKING ONE-DIMENSIONAL BLEACHED BLONDE VALLEY GIRL STEREOTYPE!"Mabel yelled at Pacifica's retreating back. The crowd gasped, and Pacifica's face twisted in anger.

"Like, let's do this!" Pacifica said, walking towards Mabel. Mabel started walking towards Pacifica, and the two of them met in front of a sign for the joust times. Suddenly, clouds covered the sky, and the Mattress prince ordered the golf course closed. "This isn't over. You, me, midnight. We'll see who's best!" Pacifica declared.

"I'll be here!" Mabel responded, watching as Pacifica and her parents left. The Northwests pulled out umbrella's in synchronization as it began to downpour, but they didn't give an umbrella to Sergei. "I'll be here." Mabel said, glaring after Pacifica.

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Dipper, Soos, Mabel, and Stan waited for zero hour in the nearby Hermanos Brothers Diner, the local Mexican restaurant. Dipper and Mabel were tearing into the bottomless tortilla chip basket while Stan ate a taco and Soos was waiting for his burrito at the check-out counter.

"Hey, Dipper, where did that accent and talking back to Pacifica come from?" Mabel asked in between chips.

"Yeah, you almost sounded like Columbo there." Stan said before taking a bite of his taco. Dipper's face flushed red and Stan started to laugh. "Ha, you were trying to act like Columbo?! You're a little young there kiddo."

"Who's Columbo?" Mabel asked Stan.

"It's an old detective show. I thought it was pretty good. How did you find out about it?" Stan answered Mabel before turning to Dipper.

"This guy I know found out I like mysteries and recommended it to me." Dipper said, somewhat embarrassed, although he couldn't figure out the reason for this embaressment.

"Hm…" Stan hummed. "Hey kid, I've got a few seasons on VCR, you wanna watch 'em with this old man?"

"I-I would love to!" Dipper said.

"Count Mabel in!" Mabel declared, before stuffing chips into her mouth. One of the chips, however, got caught in her throat. "Gack!" Dipper passed her a glass of water, which she drank down greedily.

"Hey girl dude, how are ya feeling?" Soos asked as he walked back with his burrito.

"I'm fine, and Pacifica's going down. Although, I could always use more practice before midnight…" Mabel said confidently before turning to stare at Stan.

"Go to the golf course after dark, you say? I don't know, we'd have to break in…" Stan said, pretending to care about the law before abandoning that lie. "Just kidding, let's break in!"

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Stan's El Diablo barreled through the wooden barricade by the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt's parking booth. Once they got inside the parking lot, Stan handed Soos a pair of night vision binoculars and told him to keep an eye open for cops while Stan opened a hole in the fence. Dipper crawled through first with Mabel's clubs, but before Mabel could follow him Stan cleared his throat.

"Oh, and hey, Mabel?" Stan asked, sticking a U Da Best sticker on Mabel's sweater. "Knock her dead, kid." Stan said, giving Mabel a thumbs up. Mabel returned the thumbs up and crawled in through the small, easily disguisable hole after her twin brother.

Inside the mini-golf course, Mabel was practicing hole by hole until she felt confident in her ability to get a hole in one at each. Soon, only the windmill remained undefeated. Of the hundreds of balls that Mabel had sent through, only one had entered the hole, and despite Mabel's best efforts, she couldn't replicate the shot.

"Darn! Poop heck darn!" Mabel screamed at the stupid hole.

Dipper was trying to get inside the windmill to see how it worked. "I don't get it! What is wrong with this hole?" He asked as he grabbed a prybar.

"I think it's just cursed. Oh well, worst case is two here, that will still beat pacifica. Oh crap, it's almost time! Let's go get into positions!" Mabel said, running towards a statue of a golf ball while Dipper grabbed the remote that controls the lights.

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Out in the parking lot, Soos and Stan were both in the Stan mobile.

"Dude, I'm cuttin' Ws into all my shirts. Gotta give the public what they want." Soos said, using his child scissors.

"Well, those kids are taking their time. Looks like it's gonna be a while." Stan said, turning on the radio and laying back using the front seats reclining function. Soos pulled off the shirt he was currently wearing to work on cutting a w into. Stan had closed his eyes when he reclined, so when he heard Soos do something with his chair Stan slowly opened his eyes to side eye Soos. Soos had reclined his seat and was lying on his side, staring directly at Stan.

"Sure are a lot of stars out tonight." Soos commented.

Stan sat his chair back. "Well, this is gettin' weird." Was all he said before he got out of the El Diable and walking away.

The Northwest's car pulled into the parking lot. "Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything." Preston told Pacifica, barely looking up from his copy of Aficionado Aficionado.

"Oh, oh, and also looks. Winning and looks." Priscilla added, looking into a hand mirror.

"Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours, okay? I've got this. You'll stay to watch, right?" Pacifica asked, hopeful her parents would show some interest in her.

"Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper." Preston said, somewhat amused by Pacifica's idea that they would watch her.

Pacifica hopped down from the car with a frown. "Sergei!" She snapped, both literally and figuratively, and Sergei climbed out of the trunk, grabbing the clubs on his way out.

"Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing." Preston said, leaning out of the car. "You're a Northwest. Don't lose." He slammed the door and the car drove away.

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Pacifica and Sergei walked through the entrance into the dark golf course. "How much you wanna bet they're no-shows?" Pacifica asked brattily, ignoring the fact that she saw the Pines' car in the parking lot.

Suddenly, the lights alongside the path began to turn on, illuminating in a line from the entrance to the golf ball monument. On top of the monument, Mabel was standing ominously, resting on her golf club. "Looking for someone?" Mabel asked sarcastically before noticing Dipper wasn't there. "Wait, where is Dipper?"

"I'm right here, Mabel." Dipper said, walking up to his sister holding a pair of warm breaded meat sticks. "I noticed the snack bar was unlocked, so I grabbed a snack."

"Ooh! Can I have one?" Mabel asked, reaching out to grab one of them.

"Why do you think I grabbed two?" Dipper asked, handing her one.

"Thanks bro-bro." Mabel said, taking a bite. "I'm gonna go grab some more snacks!"

Pacifica coughed. "Um, did you come here to golf, or did you come here to steal peasant food?"

"To golf." Mabel declared seriously before turning to her snack. "I will eat more of you later." Mabel handed her not corndog to Dipper who put it in a doggy bag.

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Mabel and Pacifica stood side-by-side next to the bonus hole while Sergei explained the rules this mini-golf tournament was operating under. Dipper and Sergei would act as neutral referees, although there wasn't much need for referees in an amateur match, especially when there was no one who would try and cheat to gain something.

"Eighteen holes. Standard rules. Winner lives in glory, loser wallows in eternal shame. On your mark, get set, mini-golf!"Sergei announced, firing off a starting pistol.

"Ladies first." Mabel said, gesturing to the first hole.

Pacifica sneered and stepped onto the green. She put her ball down, concentrated, and swung. The ball rolled into the first corner, bouncing off it into the second and third corner, but it went too deep off the third, missing the wedge and running out of steam in the 90 degree corner. "Darn it!" Pacifica yelled, stomping up to her ball and taking another swing, ricocheting the ball off one of the cactuses in the back before the ball dropped into the hole.

Pacifica moved out of the way and Mabel set up her ball. She lined up the shot and swung, sending the ball on a similar route to Pacifica's ball, but came shallower out of the third corner, bouncing off the wedge and slipping underneath the covered wagon and into the hole. Mabel sauntered up to the hole and plucked her ball out. "Do you wanna give up now?" She asked Pacifica.

Pacifica glared, and Mabel shrugged.

"Suit yourself."

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Mabel and Pacifica continued to play, matching hole-in-one to hole-in-one. It was the best game of their lives, with Pacifica sinking each shot effortlessly and Mabel achieving each hole by the skin of her teeth. Dipper noticed Pacifica's ball was acting strangely, but when he inspected it the ball was like any other mini-golf ball.

The dueling rivals reached the final hole, both exhausted from stress. Pacifica had taken eighteen shots, and Mabel had seventeen. Pacifica stepped up to the eighteenth hole first.

'Alright Pacifica, just get a hole-in-one on the most difficult hole in the course, and hope Mabel messes up. I've got one chance at this, or else I'll disappoint my parents. Maybe… maybe if I win this, they'll tell me they love me!' Pacifica thought to herself before setting her ball on the ground. She concentrated, aimed, and swung.

Pacifica's purple ball glided up the ramp leading into the windmill and disappeared from view. It clattered around inside, running through whatever needlessly complicated course was on the inside. The ball popped out of the middle doorway and rolled right into the hole. "Yes!" Pacifica fist pumped quietly before turning to Mabel. "Oh, tough luck. It's too bad, that was really your only hope of winning."

Dipper thought he noticed the wind mill blades speed up a little after Pacifica went, but brushed it off as an optical illusion.

Mabel glared at Pacifica and stepped up to the tee. Mabel swung, but the stress got to her and she hit the ball wrong. The ball rushed up the ramp at an angle, meaning it wouldn't enter the windmill. Mabel's face fell.

Dipper moved to comfort his sister.

Pacifica's face split into a smile.

The ball raced along the ramp, almost at the top.

Dipper reached out to hug Mabel.

Pacifica's smile grew.

The ball hit the frame around the doorway, bouncing into the air… and into one of the spinning windmill blades. The ball rebounded off the solid wood blade back into the windmill, but a different wall, one angled towards the hole. The ball ricocheted of the windmill's wall and flew through the air, losing height and speed until it dropped directly into the hole.

Everyone, including Sergei, had their jaw on the ground. Dipper and Mabel recovered quickly, jumping while hugging and screaming. Pacifica's shock turned into anger and she turned on the Pines Twins.

"You two cheated! Nobody could make that shot!"

"Niet, that vas pure luck. There vas Niet cheating." Sergei declared, his experience with mini-golf informing his decision.

"Luck nothin', that was pure skill. I totally planned that!" Mabel said, trying to sound like she was telling the truth and it hadn't been entirely chance that she had gotten a hole-in-one.

"Alright, that is it!" an irate, tiny, Dutch-accented voice cried out. The golfers looked around for the source of the voice, and noticed a blue golf ball with blond hair.

""What!?"" Pacifica, Sergei, and Mabel asked in shock.

"This guy isn't in the journal." Dipper whispered to Mabel before facing the ball. "Hello, could I ask you a few questions about your species?"

"Uh… sure?" The ball asked, unsure why the child wasn't freaking out at the sight of a talking golf ball.

"Splendid! What is your name and race?"

"I am Franz of the Windmill Lilli-putt-ians. Lilli- Lilli-putt… you know, it makes more sense written out than said."

"Let's see, the latin for that would be… Minima pila." Dipper muttered to himself, starting a new entry in the journal. "are there other groups?" Dipper asked, looking up from the journal.

"Indeed!" roared a voice with a pirate accent. "Don't trust those wind mill-lubbers!"

"Shut your mouth, you show-boating pirates!" Yelled a French ball from the Eiffel tower hole. "Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!"

"Nay, der Dublin Spire hole is de best! Or else me name ain't Daniel O'Sullivan O'Connor O'Neill O'Murphy O'Kelly O'Donnell!" An orange ball cried from the top of the spire hole.

"Stay thee your comments, ye scurrilous Frenchmen!" The king of castle hole ordered. "And you, Irishman, we own your hole! Quiet down."

The denizens of the Spire set ran out of their homes, set up a choir, and began to sing.

"Go on home British soldiers, go on home

Have you got no fooking homes of your own

For 800 years we've fought you without fear

And we'll fight you for 800 more

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We're not British, we're not Saxon, we're not English

We're Irish and proud we are to be

So fook your Union Jack, we want our country back

We want to see old Ireland free once more!"

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"So, you've been at war for a while?" Dipper asked Franz.

"Alas Hugeling, we have been at war for a century over which hole is the best, over who is the best at controlling the balls." Franz said. "Oh well, back to war!" With that declaration, the Windmill Lilliputtians ran out, equipped with mini pencil spears. The other holes mobilized their forces as well, and all eighteen holes assembled for war.

Right before they charged, though, someone remembered something. "Hold yon horses, did we not swear a truce to deal with someone who disrespected the sanctity of mini-golf?" The Mini-king cried.

"Oh yeah, we did do that." "I remember that." "Yeah, I guess." The Lilliputians muttered.

"Alright, new plan! Since we're already prepared, let's just attack now!" Franz declared. The other leaders nodded and gave sounds of assent.

"Hey, who is this person that disrespected mini-golf?" Mabel asked.

"Oh, ha-ha, um…" Franz coughed awkwardly. "You."

"What?" Mabel asked in shock.

"Attack!" Franz ordered, and the numberless hordes charged. The four humans were instantly surrounded, and under assault.

"Swing!" Mabel yelled, sending Lilliputtians flying with each swipe of her golf club.

"I am!" Pacifica yelled back.

"Miester Dipper, catch!" Sergei shouted, tossing Dipper a club from the bag on his back before grabbing two for himself. Sergei's club thirsted for the plastic of his enemies, and a song known as Bar Fight from the Orcs Must Die 2 soundtrack seemed to permeate the air. Sergei yelled a battle cry and counter-charged.

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A circle of death was formed around the three hugelings, were anyone who stepped into their reach would quickly learn how to fly. Franz gestured to the other leaders, and they met in a command tent that had been set up.

"Alright, this isn't working. Everybody go get your secret weapons, I'll distract them." Franz said. The other leaders agreed to the plan, and Franz walked out. As he exited the tent, Franz passed his adjutant, a lake foam green ball and gave an order in an undertone. "Activate the Wunderwaffe."

"On three, we rush the exit." Dipper ordered. "One… Two… Thre-" Suddenly, the Lilliputtians stopped attacking and a procession with a white flag walked through the army. Dipper and Mabel shrugged at each other before one of the Franz called out.

"That is but a taste of our fury. Do you yield?"

"No." Dipper deadpanned.

"Well, I tried." Franz shrugged, turning to his entourage. "Alright boys, back to the lines, we resume the assault." Suddenly, the ground left Franz as he was grabbed by a hand.

"Hold on, what is this all about?" Dipper asked the Lilliputtian he held by its spherical head.

"I already told you, we're trying to punish her for not understanding the spirit of mini-golf!" Franz said, pointing at Mabel.

"What? I love mini-golf! Why would you think I don't respect it?" Mabel asked.

"You got an almost perfect game on your first try! Nobody does that! Blondie over there can still only get a twenty without assistance, and she's grown up with this course!" Franz yelled.

"Not any more, tonight I got a nineteen." Pacifica said proudly.

"Yeah, you totally got that nineteen all by yourself, with no help. Yup, that's what happened." Franz said, rolling his eyes.

"Wha-what do you mean?" Pacifica stammered.

"We cheated to try and get you to win, but even with us trying to sabotage her and guaranteeing you hole-in-ones, you still couldn't win! You're useless!"

"You little gremlin! I will sue you! I will sue you and I will own you!" Pacifica yelled.

"I play a lot of mini-golf at home, that's why I'm so good." Mabel said. "Here, I can prove it!" She exclaimed, pulling out a scrapbook and showing of a picture of her winning a prize when she was nine.

"Huh, I guess you are ranked… well, this sure is awkward." Franz said to himself before shouting to the assembled hordes. "Alright guys, false alarm! Pack it up, go on home, she doesn't hate mini-golf!"

Groans of disappointment came from the great host, but they dutifully began deconstructing their fortifications and packing up their supplies.

"What about the Wunderwaffe?!" Franz adjutant yelled up to Franz.

"Just put it back in storage!" Franz yelled back. "Well, now that that is settled, could you set me down?"

"Sure" Dipper said, putting Franz down.

"You're free to go hugelings, sorry about that." Franz said, starting to walk back towards the wind mill before he turned around. "Wait, one more thing! Could you decide which hole is the best for us please? Put an end to our fued!"

The other leaders returned from getting their Secret weapons and then sending them back into storage when they learned it was just a false alarm and began agreeing with Franz.

"Je ne parle pas français, mais je peux le lire!" The French agreed.

"Bring peace to these lands, O hugelings!" The mini-king beseeched them.

"Uh, I don't know…" Mabel trailed off before Dipper pulled her aside.

"Mabel, if we don't do anything, these guys will keep fighting for another hundred years, we gotta think of something."

"What if we…" Mabel said, whispering to Dipper.

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Pacifica stood awkwardly. She was being stared at by a race of sentient golf balls who had begged for someone to put an end to their race war, her rival and her rival's brother were whispering to each other, and Pacifica didn't know where her trainer was.

The Pines finished their conversation and walked over to the castle hole.

"Hey, can I borrow that trumpet?" Dipper whispered to one of the knights. The knight looked to his liege-lord, who gave permission. Dipper blew into the trumpet before handing it back to the knight, whispering. "thanks, man."

"People of the eighteen holes! I have come to make an announcement regarding your rivalry over the best hole in the course!" Mabel declared and the peasants rejoiced. "Your rivalry… is stupid!"

"Pardon me lassie, but I do believe I misheard ya." The pirate captain said.

"Nope, you heard me." Mabel said. The Lilliputtions began to grumble, this is who was going to end their feud? "Hold on, I'm not done yet. A mini-golf course isn't judged by one hole or another, but by the entirety. You all are a part of the Ye Royal Discount Putt Hut, so it doesn't matter if you're the best!"

The Lilliputtians started making sounds of agreement.

"But what about the fact we hate each other?" A miner Lilliputian asked.

The Lilliputtians made sounds of agreement with that.

"Wait, guys, you all like to control the balls, now imagine what you could do if you learned from each other. Instead of trying to be the best in one type of ball mastery, you could innovate in all fields! You shouldn't fight each other, you're all from the same course and if something were to happen to it, you would all be lost." Mabel said.

"She's right, guys!" Franz declared. Mabel and Dipper shot each other a thumbs up, the Lilliputtians were taking the message to heart. "We should cease the war, and start invading other mini-golf courses!" Franz continued his interpretation, to mass cheers.

"Party at the boat!" the pirate captain yelled, and all the Lilliputtians ran off to celebrate their new-found peace.

"You think we should worry about them invading other golf courses?" Mabel asked Dipper.

"Nah, this is the only mini-golf place for miles, it'll be fine." Dipper assured his sister.

"Okay. You wanna go home?"

"Sure."

The twins started walking towards the exit, passing by Pacifica.

"Hey, wait!" Pacifica called after the twins. Both Mabel and Dipper turned back to her, Mabel was curious and Dipper was unimpressed. "I, uh, I admit it, you're better than me." Pacifica confessed, looking down at the ground. She was mentally preparing for the Pines to start bullying her, lord their superiority over her, or blackmail her for money.

"Thanks! You're pretty good too, I mean, it would have been a lot harder to deal with those golf ball guys without you." Mabel said. Dipper, seeing this was probably going to take a while, opened the journal and began to write.

Pacifica was shocked. All her life, she had been taught that the peasants would try and get every penny out of her that they could, and all of Pacifica's experiences with her peer's had suggested appearing weak, even for a second, could ruin your life and reputation.

Mabel noticed the shock on Pacifica's face, and kept talking. "You want to put this whole rivalry thing behind us? I do not want to end up like those Lilliputtians, fighting for ever over something stupid."

"Sure." Pacifica said sadly. "I understand you don't want to see me."

"Whoa, who said anything about not wanting to see you?" Mabel asked incredulously.

Pacifica looked confused. "Well, you said you didn't want to be rivals, and neither of us would accept being a lackey…"

"What about being friends?" Mabel suggested.

Pacifica looked unsure. "Fra-ends?" She said hesitantly, trying out the word.

"Yeah friends! Ya know, buddies, pals? People who hang out and have fun because they enjoy each other's company? You do know what a friend is, right?" Mabel asked, becoming more and more concerned as Pacifica stayed confused through the explanation.

"I've never heard of it. Is this some peasant thing I'm too rich to understand?"

"No, everybody needs friends! Let's be friends, you need friends. We are now friends. Dipper, you're her friend too." Mabel said, grabbing Pacifica's hand. Dipper shrugged, he was too busy filling in the journal to pay much attention.

The trio resumed walking out to the parking lot, talking about things.

"You two were so cool back there, how did you stay calm when all those ball things were swarming?" Pacifica gushed, never having someone she could be open to before.

"Eh, you know, been dealing with this type of thing all summer." Dipper responded.

"What, really?" Pacifica asked, wide-eyed.

"Yeah, we've dealt with gnomes, zombies, lake monsters, time travel, dinosaurs, wax figures coming to life, merman, ghosts, piglins, vampires, dream demons, evil child psychics, and now murderous golf balls." Mabel said, listing of a few of her and Dipper's adventures.

"Wow, vampires?" Pacifica asked, stars shining in her eyes.

"I know that look sister, and trust me; you don't want to get involved with the vampires in Gravity Falls." Mabel said, trying to dissuade Pacifica from looking into it further.

"Still in the dark about the vampires." Dipper commented.

"And hopefully it'll stay that way." Mabel declared confidently.

Dipper grunted, unimpressed with Mabel.

"How are you able to deal with all of those things?" Pacifica asked.

"I found this journal deep in the woods, it was written by an author who mysteriously disappeared and it's all about the strange things that happen in Gravity Falls." Dipper explained, holding Journal 3.

"Huh, cool."

"Oh, looks like your parents aren't here." Mabel said to Pacifica as Grunkle Stan's El Diablo pulled up. "You need a ride home?"

"I better wait for my parents to send a chauffeur." Pacifica said, right before thunder crashed.

.

.

Pacifica was stuffed into the back seat with Dipper and Mabel while Soos rode shotgun and Stan drove. Stan and Soos began singing the driving song, much to Pacifica's distress.

"Hey, I found two tacos!" Mabel said, celebrating her luck by taking a bite out of one.

"You're allowed to eat in the car?" Pacifica asked, her world rapidly falling apart.

"Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?" Mabel offered.

"Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts." Pacifica protested.

"Handouts? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right?" Mabel asked, concerned for her new friend.

"Shaa-shaawring?" Pacifica asked.

"Just take it." Mabel said, giving Pacifica the taco.

The Stanmobile pulled up in front of the Northwest Mansion and Pacifica hopped out.

"Hey Pacifica, look up what friends are when you get a chance, okay?" Mabel suggested.

"Alright." Pacifica said, sending the Pines off with a smile and a wave. "Oh, and tell your servant I like his W-neck."

Soos fist pumped. "Yes!"

Pacifica walked through the front gates, setting off a series of fireworks that spelt out her name.

.

.

Sergei walked deep into the caverns the Lilliputtians had excavated, observing their prophecy engraved into the walls. It depicted a tall man wielding two golf clubs fighting a horde so large it made the armies of the Discount Putt Hut look like a joke. Even worse, the color and joy of mini-golf was replaced with a uniform bone white.

"Here is the prophecy, O chosen one, depicting our final battle against the foul hordes of the Lost Tracks." A Lilliputian dressed in priestly garb degreed. "That is you, wielding twin clubs. You are fated to lead us to victory in the style of the old warrior-kings!"

"Da." Sergei said, accepting his sacred duty.

.

.

Completed: 7/18/2023, Words:6,367, Written using a pirated copy of Microsoft Word 2007

AN2: howdy all, sorry again this took so long, writers block is really annoying. The original note I had for this chapter was Franz get's kidnapped by the crows at the end of the episode and Phil ends up adopting him, but that obviously didn't happen.

The Columbo bit and the Irish hole came out of my brain, but the idea that Mabel was better at mini-golf and the Lilliputians assisting Pacifica, as well as the inspiration for the last trick shot by Mabel all came from a Fight Falls Au fic on Ao3, I think it was called Fighting in the Falls. Even if it's not, there aren't that many fightfalls au on Ao3, so you should be able to find it easily.

Somebody suggested a while ago I should add some bad poetry, so here's something I made while really bored at work in the back of a puzzle book. (I would write while bored at work, but my phone sucks to write with)

Saved by Axolotl's grace,

Fear him for he wears your face

(another time, another place)

.

Fear the Beast with just one eye,

Dressed in dapper hat and tie

(another world, a brand new face)

.

Feel him in your empty room,

Soon to be your empty tomb

(unknown crime, unsolved case)

.

Do not take the liars hand,

His promises are built upon the sand

(another try, leave no trace)

.

Hunted fiercely by his foes,

Tracked unceasing by Father's crows

(no way to hide, eternal chase)

Well, until next time, goodbye.