CW: PTSD, self-harm, suicide, and depression


Yat do faa hai sek yeung geh ngoet gwong haa zaan fong,

I knew this song. Quite well, in fact.

Yat do syun zeet, tim mei, mung faan geh faa.

It was a song that my sister always enjoyed before, especially back then. It was from a Hong Kong TV drama if I remember correctly. Pretty good if you ask me.

Tim mei gei heung hei, hou hou si ngo dei leung go yan yeung,

It was a nostalgic and sad drama; both characters never got to be together. They never got the happy ending they deserved, even after all their sacrifices for their loved ones, their friends, and each other.

Hou hou si tin khung chung tim mei yi syun zeet geh mun.

...I just never thought it would happen in real life.

Chun tin yi gwo, hon leng dik dong tin jik zeong loi lim,

But, sister, why sacrifice everything for me?

Hou hou si ngo dei leung go yan fan hoi yeung...

What have I done for you?

Yip ji do faa dik fo fung syut chung maan maan lok ha, kui wei,

What have I done for you, sister?

Ji zai liu ha kwai goo gei nei ji...


Fujimiya Akari was crying.

I had never seen my big sister cry before. She had always been strong, ever since we were young.

She was my idol. My big sister, who was three years older than me. Even when Mother hit her, she didn't shed a single tear. Even when Mom locked her up in a room, she didn't shed a single tear. Not a single tear.

I was terrified.

Terrified, and angry, because I didn't know how to help.

I was useless. Useless.

Why couldn't I be stronger? Why couldn't I protect my sister? Why?

I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't bother to wipe them away.

I was pathetic. Pathetic and useless. I couldn't protect her.

"Onee-chan..."

Why couldn't I be stronger?

Why?

She's gone now, and I couldn't do anything about it. Alone and helpless.

She had sacrificed so much for me. For me. And I couldn't do anything in return.

I could hear voices in the distance, calling out to me, but I didn't care.

All I cared about was getting as far away from them as possible.

Why couldn't you save her?

Why couldn't you protect her?

Why couldn't you be stronger?

Why couldn't you save her!?

"SHUT UP!"

Why couldn't you save her!?

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

You are weak!

You are a failure!

You are worthless!

You are useless!

You are nothing but a burden!

You can't do anything!

You are a disappointment!

You are weak!

"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

What are you, a coward?

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

What's wrong, girl? Can't face your demons? Can't handle the truth?

"SHUT UP!"

Can't handle reality!?

You're just running away!

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"


I bolted awake in a flash.

The clock next to my bed told me that it was 6:17 a.m., but I didn't care about that. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as if it was trying to burst out. The adrenaline was pumping through my veins, making every nerve tingle. It felt like I had just run a marathon.

The memories were still fresh in my mind. They were always there, always waiting to be remembered. I closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing; but it was of no use. My mind was racing, filled with a whirlwind of thoughts.

"It was just a dream, Shiho."

"Just a dream."

I repeated those words over and over again. I didn't know how many times I said them. But they were the only thing that kept me from losing my sanity.

"It was just a dream."

"Just a dream."

"It wasn't real."

"It was only a dream."

I forced myself to breathe deeply. In and out. Slowly. Steadily. I focused on the rhythm of my breath, counting each one as I exhaled.

"In and out. In and out."

The steady, rhythmic sound of my breathing began to calm my nerves, and soon, my heart rate slowed back to its normal pace.

"..."

I didn't know what was worse: the nightmares or the flashbacks. They were both terrible, but at least the nightmares only happened while I slept. The flashbacks...they were random. There was no way to tell when they would occur, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I could still hear their voices echoing inside my head, taunting me.

You are worthless.

You are a disappointment.

You are nothing.

You are pathetic.

You can't do anything.

You are weak.

You are a disappointment.

You're just running away!

That was what I wanted to believe, but even that was a lie.

Pathetic.

Worthless.

Useless.

Disappointment.

Running away.

I had been running for so long, trying to escape my past. But no matter how far or how fast I ran, it always caught up with me.

...it didn't matter where I was, what I did, or what happened to me. It was always there, almost like my own shadow.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm so sorry..."

The sound of the rain outside falling steadily became naught but a background to me as I curled myself up into a ball.

"...Akari-neesan..."

"Why did it have to be her...?"

"Why couldn't it have been me instead...?"

The rain kept falling, falling steadily, as I lay there in my bed.


"This is Fujimiya Shiho, a student who will be studying with us from now on," Andō-sensei said as she entered the room, with someone else walking in behind her.

At first glance; she was pretty ordinary, long, flowing black hair down to the waist with a neat trim around the forehead, steel-gray eyes, and black thigh-highs to go with her uniform of Kuromorimine. A hair-clip was embedded into the right side of her hairstyle, one that had a sakura flower on it, but her stone-cold composure, though...

Her eyes...her eyes told a different story. They were not the eyes of a normal person. They were the eyes of someone who had seen things no one should ever see.

The girl gave us a slight bow. "My name is Fujimiya Shiho, born July 29th 1970. I'll be your classmate from now on, and I look forward to learning with you."

I could sense the air of uneasiness around us. No one spoke. No one moved. Everyone just stared at the girl, trying to figure out what to make of her.

Andō-sensei cleared her throat loudly, and everyone immediately went back to whatever they were doing. "Well then, Fujimiya, I'll show you where you'll sit."

"Yes."

Andō-sensei took a few steps towards the table next to mine. It was an empty seat.

"Here. This is your desk."

"Thank you very much, Sensei," the girl bowed politely.

Andō-sensei nodded. "Oh, by the way, to your right, Fujimiya, is Itomaki Kikuyo. I hope that you two get along well."

Shiho wordlessly nodded as she trained her eyes to focus upon me. "Nice to meet you, Itomaki-san."

"Ah, yeah," I smiled. "Pleasure to meet you too."

She smiled back at me, but there was something off about it. It was fake. Too perfect. Almost as if she had practiced smiling.

"..."

It didn't feel right, so I turned back to the front and focused on the blackboard.

Those steel-gray eyes were absolutely not normal; they looked as if they could bore their way through my skull as if to read the deepest, innermost thoughts inside. She had a secret; it was already clear to me, it was one that no one could possibly guess. I felt a chill run down my spine, and I shuddered. Staring into her was like staring into a doll. Uncanny, cold, and lifeless. And yet...

And yet, at the same time, there was also a kind of sadness there. An emotion that couldn't be described in words, only understood.

Something was definitely wrong with Fujimiya Shiho.

But, as the days went by, and the weeks went by, I learned to not worry about it. It wasn't like her past would have any bearing on my life, right?

Right?


Some time later, or to be more exact, the 20th of April, 1987.

I was completely alone in the classroom at that time, completely apart from three other girls in the class, all of them taller than I was and surrounding me with devilish grins on their faces. They had cornered me in the classroom, trapping me in between the wall and a table, and the windows were all locked. I couldn't even see the sky or the clouds from my position. I knew what they wanted to do, but there was no way out.

"Please leave me alone..."

"You know what's gonna happen, right?" One of them spoke.

"We've had enough of you." Another one said.

"This school is sick, and so are you!"

I felt like crying. Scared. Afraid. Helpless.

"Please, stop!" I screamed at the top of my voice. "No, I can't take this anymore! I can't! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"That's right. Cry like a little bitch." The leader of the gang, a girl by the name of Satsuki, said. "Cry. Cry and beg for forgiveness. Because no matter how much you beg, you'll still get the shit beaten out of you."

The three girls began advancing on me, their arms raised high...

"Ah yes. Satsuki. The daughter of the principal who loved to run around and push around whoever the hell she wants to just because she's the daughter of the principal, and also the daughter of an extremely rich family to boot." someone spoke flatly as she entered the place, the sarcasm dripping off her tongue like honey. "We have dismissed that claim!"

"Wh-who are you!?" Satsuki shouted at the new arrival.

"Fujimiya Shiho, a student of Kuromorimine." Shiho replied calmly.

"Who are you and why are you here?"

"To give you a reality check," Shiho stated. "It's not good to bully other students."

"Haah? Are you trying to play the hero or something? Do you even know who you're messing with?"

"I don't care. As long as I can make a difference, I'll fight anyone. You should know better than to bully the weak."

"Heeh~? Well, I've heard rumors that you were quite a bad girl yourself. What is this? Some kind of hero complex or something?"

Shiho smiled. "If that's what you think."

"So, you're not denying it? Then I guess I'll have to teach you a lesson."

Shiho smirked. "Problem is, you can't. It'll leave marks, which can be later pointed out and reported to the authorities, resulting in expulsion. And if you're expelled, then the reputation of your father would be stained. He'll be disgraced and lose his job. Not to mention the fact that you'll be sent away to some far-off, unknown boarding school. That'll probably affect your future plans of marrying someone rich. And then your dad will lose all his money and prestige and end up in jail."

Satsuki was taken aback by the amount of details that Shiho was giving, and so were her lackeys.

"W-what are you talking about!?" Satsuki asked.

Shiho raised an eyebrow. "What? It's obvious. I'm just stating the facts. Or are you saying that your dad doesn't care about his job and his reputation?"

"Of course not! How dare you say that!?"

"Well, if that's the case, then what's stopping you from attacking me?"

"Why you...!"

"What's the matter? You can't hit me. You're scared. You're afraid that your future might turn out like that. Isn't that right?"

Satsuki growled. "Y-you...!"

"I'll say this one more time. Bullying is wrong. Especially for a girl. Don't do it again. Or else."

Satsuki was fuming. "Grrrr..."

"Go away." Shiho commanded.

"Ghh...fine!" Satsuki snarled before leaving with her two lackeys.

"Tsk," Shiho clicked her tongue. "The nerve of that girl."

I was speechless. Shiho had just stood up against a group of bullies and managed to scare them off.

"Are you okay, Itomaki-san?" she said, as she turned towards me.

I was still a little shaky, but I was able to compose myself enough to answer.

"I'm fine," I said, "but, thank you."

"It's no problem," she replied.

There was an awkward silence between us for a moment.

"Um... why did you save me?" I asked her, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Because you were in trouble," she said.

"Yeah, but, you're a stranger," I continued. "I mean, I've never even seen you before. We've never even talked to each other. You could have easily ignored me and walked away. So why?"

"...no idea, myself. Just thought it was the right thing to do..."

Watching her back as Shiho turned to leave the place, I couldn't help but feel...odd. Normally, Shiho's stone-cold composure and expression meant that many people steered clear of her, myself included, but...there was something about her that intrigued me. Something about her that made me want to get to know her better.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had the feeling that she was hiding something behind that calm and stoic demeanor of hers. A secret, perhaps?

I sighed and shook my head. No, it's no use thinking about this. It's probably just me being too curious.

Shiho was just a classmate of mine, nothing more and nothing less.

Or at least, that was what I believed.


It's raining.

Yeah, it's raining indeed. Just like that fateful day four years ago.

...I just can't feel it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the pain has become too much for me to feel. Or maybe it's because I've gone numb from all the things that have happened in the past.

It felt as if a black veil was hanging over my eyes and ears, making it impossible for me to see or hear anything but my thoughts, but I just couldn't care less. I forgot to bring with me an umbrella, but as the steady downpour prompted others to either bum-rush their way home as quickly as possible or simply wait it out indoors, I stopped dead in my tracks right next to a walkway running around the outer edges of the Graf Zeppelin, one that conveniently abutted the sea.

And I stayed there, for minutes, perhaps hours, perhaps an eternity, standing motionlessly as the rain continued to drench my clothes and hair. I didn't care about getting wet, though, and I was in no particular hurry to get home either. Not when it meant having to face reality again.

The rain was cold, yet pleasant, and the sounds of the raindrops hitting the metal above my head was quite soothing.

...What should I do?

"...what are you doing here?"

It was understandable, I was the odd one out in this dreary atmosphere, after all. Most others would just rush their way home or wait it out indoors, not standing out in the rain to get wet like me. It's no surprise that the passersby would stop and stare at me without hesitation.

"..."

However, even if it was completely understandable, that still didn't change the fact that I didn't want any attention at the moment, no matter how small.

And so I didn't reply, continuing to stare out at the horizon, not bothering to give even the slightest response.

"Are you going to just stand there in the rain? You're already wet."

I wasn't sure why, but I could feel the person behind me staring right into the back of my head, trying to pry answers out of me with just his eyes.

"...I just need to be alone for a while. That's all."

"Alone?"

"Yes. Alone. Just leave me alone."

"...I see," said he flatly. "If it's your business that you don't want me to interfere in, then I won't."

I could a few rustling sounds of shoes on concrete behind her, apparently made by Tsuneo as he turned to leave...

"You'll catch a cold in this weather, take this and shelter yourself from the rain with it. We both live next door, so you'll know where to return it easily enough, okay?"

"Eh, what?" I asked almost on reflex, but Nishizumi Tsuneo had already turned to leave, leaving me behind with his olive umbrella wedged firmly in my hand.

The rain kept falling, falling steadily, the constant splattering of its drops against the umbrella he lent me merely a background soundtrack to the sight of his rainfall-soaked clothes and hair as he left.

I couldn't help but stare.


I could feel her gaze on me as I turned and walked away, not stopping or slowing down until I was out of her field of vision, and then some.

I'm not entirely sure why, but the expression she wore when she stood there, soaked from the rain and looking like a lost child, was strangely familiar.

...No.

No, it wasn't.

She didn't look like a child. She looked like someone who had just had everything ripped out of her, like a ship in a storm, being battered and pushed around until she eventually broke.

What the hell happened to her?

I had no clue what was going on in her mind, nor what exactly had transpired between her and her family, and to be honest, I didn't care. I had no idea what exactly had transpired and it wasn't my place to find out.

All I did was lend her my umbrella and tell her where to return it.

That's all I did.

"You have no right to say anything, no right at all," I muttered as I trudged through the rain. "It's none of your damn business."

Yet, try as I might, those words did nothing to soothe the feelings bubbling inside of me. I could just imagine her standing there, motionless, looking up into the sky. Her wet clothes, clinging to her body. Her hair, dripping water, as the rain continued to pour down. Her tears, mixed with the rainwater that drenched her face. Her expression was full of pain and sadness.

That face was filled with such emotion. Such deep sorrow. Such raw intensity.

How could it not have affected me?

I had no answer.

No, not at all.


I was walking aimlessly through the rain.

I wasn't sure how long I had been walking, nor where I was headed.

It was like a trance, like a dream, like a nightmare.

Everything was just a blur.

I couldn't even remember how I had gotten to where I was.

The rain was still falling, the raindrops hitting the ground, forming small puddles on the sidewalk.

I didn't care.

It didn't matter.

I could feel the tears streaming down my face, mingling with the rainwater.

"Neesan..."

"Sister..."

My eyes burned with tears.

"I miss you so much..."

"I'm so sorry..."

"I'm sorry..."

I don't know why, but the words kept flowing out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry..."

"It's all my fault..."

"It should have been me..."

I couldn't stop crying.

The tears kept coming.

I couldn't stop them.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm so sorry..."

"It should have been me...why wasn't it me instead..."

"Why couldn't it have been me...?"

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm sorry..."

The tears and the rain washed away all traces of my face.

My cheeks were numb.

I didn't care.

I didn't care about anything.

I was nothing.

I was worthless.

I was useless.

"I'm sorry..."

"Sister, I'm sorry..."

"I'm sorry."


"...Fujimiya-san?" I asked almost on reflex as I spotted an all-too-familiar figure on the sidewalk, walking aimlessly as if she was searching for something, but didn't know what it was yet. An olive-green umbrella was held in her hands, but it wasn't open; it was folded up and stowed away, leaving the rain to mercilessly drench her uniform and hair.

"Fujimiya? Fujimiya-san?" I repeated her name, hoping that it would bring her out of whatever funk she was in, but her expression remained unchanged, her eyes dull and glassy, almost lifeless.

"...what are you doing out here in the rain, Fujimiya-san?"

I was beginning to worry.

"You're going to get sick if you keep walking around in the rain like this."

"...huh? What? Huh?"

A confused, almost sleepy voice came out from Shiho's lips.

"You're getting wet. What are you doing?"

"...huh? Huh?"

Shiho looked at her umbrella, then at the rain, before she slowly shook her head.

I didn't know what was going on in her mind, but judging from her behavior, it seemed like something bad had happened, but what was it?

"I'm fine," Shiho mumbled, "leave me alone. Please. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," I said, grabbing her arm. "Come on, let's go home."

Shiho tried to pull her arm away, but I refused to let go.

"You'll catch a cold," I told her, "please, let's just go home."

"Let go of me!" Shiho snapped, finally yanking her arm away. "Just leave me alone!"

Her voice sounded strained, almost desperate.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I couldn't tell if the droplets running down her face were rain or tears, but they were there.

"I'm not going—"

Shiho didn't wait for me to finish. She just took off running.

"Fujimiya! Wait!"

I chased after her, but I couldn't keep up. Shiho was too fast.

"Fujimiya!"

She disappeared into the distance, leaving me alone.

"Wait. Wait!"

I was left behind, staring at the space where Shiho had been standing just moments before.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand.

I didn't understand what had just happened.

"...Fujimiya..."

The rain continued to fall in dreary gloom.


A/N:

Hmmm...

Yeah.

I had to do it. I just had to. This was an idea that was brewing in my mind for a while now.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to be working on my other stories, not start another one. But the story wouldn't leave my mind, no matter how hard I tried. Lol. Fall of the Citadel's due to have another chapter released in Sunday (I'll explain later), but you know what? I just somehow managed to scrounge up the time to somehow doctor two stories at once (epic multitasking moment lmao). Anyways, let's just hope (with a lot of prayer) that this one gets to make it to the end...lol.

And yes, this is Shiho's story arc. It's an arc that rarely comes up in the GuP fandom, even in the fanfics (best I could find was some fud artwork), so I figured to myself, why not?

(In other words: first time ever writing LN-style drama. Take from it what you will.)

should be gud

Also, before you guys bring this up: Yeah, the roles are reversed from canon. As opposed to Shiho being the heiress to the Nishizumi family line, it's now Tsuneo. And a decent chunk of the inspiration came from Otonari, btw


Average length of chapter: 3-5k words (battle/match chapters will be ~10k)

Estimated update schedule: weekly (Friday updates, if possible. Otherwise, it'll be bundled with the FotC schedule of Sunday/Monday updates)

Estimated length of the whole series: TBD (didn't even think of it lmao)