Noah looked around the room anxiously. Olivia turned to catch the myriad of emotions on her child's face. She was about to question him when a grin formed on his face before he broke into a run. Olivia's eyes followed the direction in which evoked such emotion from her son.
"Uncle Rafa," Noah exclaimed excitedly as he ran towards his favourite uncle. Rafael turned, the happiness on his face equaled Noah's. As he caught Noah in his arms, it was obvious that both man and child missed each other. It made Olivia's heart hurt watching as Rafael held Noah's head to his chest, whilst Noah's arms were wrapped tightly around Rafael.
It had been months since their last encounter at Forlini's. He had stopped reaching out to her after that evening. From the time he had left after Drew, he made sure he touched based at least once a week. It didn't matter whether she replied or not. Like clockwork she would hear from him. Even through the Wheatley case, he had dropped her messages.
After that night, it all stopped.
She couldn't blame him.
She knew Rafael and Noah remained in contact and close. She made a point to not get between them knowing how much Noah loved his godfather. Looking back she realised that Noah had stopped asking her about Rafael after noticing the look on her face every time he did. Gone were spaghetti nights which was Noah's favourite night of the week, until even the open invitation to Rafael ceased to exist.
When Elliot had joined them for dinner one night, it fell on Spaghetti night and whilst Noah didn't say anything she noticed how visibly affected him. It took a moment to realise why and when she had explained she didn't clock that it was spaghetti night and family night, which disappointed Noah further. It was obvious from the get-go that Noah was not a fan of Elliot even more so as she kept getting called away that first year of his return.
She watched as Rafael dropped his lips to Noah's head as he murmured something that she couldn't quite make out that made Noah tighten his hold on Rafael. When they reluctantly pulled apart Rafael took a red envelope out of his jacket and handed it to Noah. She guessed it was his Christmas present. With one last hug, Rafael cupped Noah's cheek with his hand and kissed his forehead before he slipped out of the Carisi home without saying a word to anyone else nor sparing a glance her way.
"What the hell was he doing here?" Elliot asked as he came up from behind her. Olivia sighed,
"Don't start Elliot. You seem to conveniently forget you were gone for ten years. Rafael was there for most of those years and despite where we have been in our friendship, he hasn't fallen off the radar. He has remained to be there for Noah, for Carisi, Rollins, Finn and the girls. For me too. So don't."
Without waiting for a response she walked over to Noah to check on him as he sat with Jessie and Billie holding the envelope from Rafael.
"Hi baby, you okay?" She asked running her hand through his hair.
"Yeah, I just thought I'd be able to hang out with Uncle Rafa but he had to go. I miss him. I mean he still calls and we FaceTime. He meets me at the park with Lucy, and he comes to my practices when he can just so he can see me dance but it's not the same." She heard the words he didn't say. Rafael no longer feeling welcomed in their home had changed the dynamics.
"I'm sorry Noah, I'm sure he would have stayed if he could have." She realised that was the nicest thing she had said about Rafael in a long time and shame filled her.
He didn't change. She did.
"Abuela isn't well." Noah said quietly not wanting to break Rafael's confidence. Noah has been referring to Lucia as Abuela since he could speak and grew up being close to her. Even more so after the Sheila debacle. Olivia had spoken to her a couple of weeks before and she had not mentioned not feeling well.
"What happened?" She asked worriedly.
"He just said she was in hospital, she's stable but he wanted to get back to the hospital."
"Do you want to go to the hospital?" She asked. She tried not to feel hurt by the surprise on Noah's face at the offer.
"Are you going to call Lucy to take me?" He asked unintentionally twisting the knife that was already lodged in her heart.
"No Noah, I'll take you. Give me a few minutes to see if Aunt Manda knows which hospital." Noah nodded as Olivia headed over to Amanda.
Olivia and Noah quietly stood outside Lucia's room watching Rafael sitting on the seat beside his mother holding her hand. His tie loose around his neck, jacket carefully lay at the foot of Lucia's bed. His hair tousled from running his hand over it repeatedly. All of a sudden, he looked exhausted, defeated by the weight of the world that seemed to rest on his shoulders. In that moment she knew how little she knew of his life and that was her choice. It had almost been two years of shutting him out refusing any door he tried to open. Regret and sorrow filled her for where they were at with their friendship, as a result of her own doing.
She was the one who made no room for him in her life and at every turn, push him away.
"Momma, can I go in?" Noah asked wanting nothing more than to hug his favourite uncle.
"Of course, sweetheart. Quietly though, we don't want to wake up Abuela, she needs to rest." Noah nodded before opening the door to enter. Rafael looked up to see Noah heading straight towards him, in time to receive him in his arms as Noah wrapped his arms around him tightly with such force that an oomph escaped softly escaped from his mouth.
"We didn't want you to be alone." Noah said speaking for Team Benson. Rafael looked up surprised to see Olivia standing by the door. For the second time that evening she felt hurt by the assumption that she would be anywhere else but be there for him realising just how far from their status quo they had truly become.
"Thank you, Team Benson," he said kissing the top of Noah's head giving Olivia a guarded nod of appreciation.
"How is Abuela?"
"Stable. She woke up briefly, mad that I am here instead of Aunt Manda's and Uncle Sonny's." They all chuckled as it was very Lucia Barba.
"What happened?" Noah asked,
"She had a little stroke buddy. Thankfully small enough that it hasn't had any lasting impairments. We got her to the hospital in time last night."
"That must have been so scary." Noah said quietly as it sunk in to all of them just how precious and short life was.
"It was, but the most important part is that we were there, and we got her here on time. Your Aunt Rita was quite the hero. Whilst I momentarily froze, she was on the ball. She called the ambulance and barked orders at me while we waited for the ambulance." Olivia could hear the gratitude and vulnerability in his voice as he recounted the night before. She guessed that the three of them were together for a meal.
"Where is Aunt Rita?" Noah asked wanting to hug Rita for himself for saving the only grandmother he knew.
"She went home after I came back. She stayed with Mami whilst I went to Aunt Manda and Uncle Sonny's. She will more than likely be back a little later. You didn't have to leave the party. Mami is fine." He assured Noah, and Olivia knew that was partly for her too. She heard the words that remained unsaid, that he had no expectations of her.
That he was well aware of where they stood.
"Noh, sweetheart. Why don't you get Uncle Rafa a coffee from down the hall." Olivia suggested, Noah was always looking to be more independent and whilst it was merely down the hall and within her eye-line, she knew he would not pass up the opportunity, especially if it was to bring something to Rafael. Noah nodded knowing Olivia was also asking to speak to Rafael alone. She held out her debit card to him as he headed out the door.
"Grab a snack for you, you haven't eaten since we left the house."
Once they were alone Rafael glanced back at his mother and kept his eyes there which did not go unnoticed by Olivia.
"Rafa," she saw him visibly flinch as she called him Rafa, as though it was so foreign that it elicited such a response.
"Thank you for bringing Noah," he said,
"That's not the only reason why I'm here Rafael. I want to be here."
"Mami would appreciate that." He replied,
"I'm here for you too Rafa." Rafael looked up to meet her gaze and gave her a cautious nod.
"Thank you, for the sentiment. But it's not necessary. You're here for Mami and Noah. Let's leave it there. I'm grateful either way, but let's not pretend for the sake of nostalgia. I am well aware of the friendship that no longer exists, or if even if it did. It's all a blur but at the same time quite clear." He said drifting off to his own thoughts.
"I'm sorry Rafael." She said. Rafael took a deep breath, another layer of exhaustion appeared on his face.
"For what exactly? For writing me off your life? For not hearing me out? For every door you slammed in my face the last two years? For Mami being in hospital?"
"For all of it." Rafael took a deep breath and looked past her watching Noah navigate the vending machine before meeting her gaze once more.
"We both know you're here because of Mami. That whatever brought you to this hospital at this moment wasn't that you've missed me from your life in two years or that you've regretted that we're not even two people who used to know each other anymore. You're here because something happened to Mami, and you feel guilty that had I not told Noah about it, had I not bothered to show up earlier, you would have been none the wiser and our lives would have just continued to go on without the other." Rafael paused,
"I am grateful that you care about Mami that much. However, there's no need to change what is now status quo. I don't need you to swoop in." she heard the words he didn't say out loud, 'and swoop out whenever you deem it reasonable'.
"I am sorry Rafael."
"Don't be. You believed that I went out of my way to represent Wheatley to hurt you. That I was the type of person who would disregard your request to not represent a narcissistic psychopath for my own personal gain. To intentionally hurt someone you care about, who's been your best friend for 23 years. It took a beat, but I get it now. So don't apologise." Having him simplify it in the way he had hurt. For him to erase himself as someone who was her best friend, admittedly for all terms and purpose the best friend she ever had, as though he never existed knocked the wind from her.
"It's humbling to realise that my humanity was conditional." He chuckled self deprecatingly as they both remembered a time when she had unfailing faith in his humanity.
"Oh Rafa." She said tearfully and sorrow filling her.
"It's okay Olivia. It is what it is. Thank you for being here." He said with finality as Noah re-entered the room his hands full with coffee for both of them, a hot chocolate for himself and a couple of packets of Rafael's favourite pretzels. Rafael stood to his feet to give Noah a hand.
