Theda was sitting in her office, grading the stack of tests that were piled up on her desk. The Hogwarts Express would be there to collect the students within the hour, and Theda was looking forward to a reprieve from the recent chaos.
Just as she was finishing Pansy Parkinson's test, she heard a knock on the door.
"Come in," She said.
To her surprise, it was Neville Longbottom.
"Mr. Longbottom? Is there something I can help you with?"
"N-no, I just came to say goodbye."
Theda felt her heart soar.
"You came all this way to this side of the castle just to say goodbye to me?"
"Y-yes, Miss Desmond."
"Well, thank you, Neville. That was very sweet of you. Do you have a few minutes to spare?"
He nodded shyly.
She waved her wand, pulling up a chair beside her desk and patting it with her hand. He hesitantly took a seat beside her, seeming surprised that she was inviting him to stay a while.
"Would you share a cup of tea with me before you go?"
"Oh, yes please, Miss Desmond."
With another wave of her wand, she poured them each a cup of tea, then she took a tin full of shortbread biscuits out of her drawer, removing the lid and setting it out for him to help himself to.
"I'm touched that you came to say goodbye. It's been such a joy getting to know you over the last few months."
Neville just smiled and nodded in agreement as he chewed a mouthful of biscuits.
"Do you have any fun Christmas plans with your family?"
Neville's smile faded, and Theda suddenly felt the shift in his mood with great intensity. She gently put her hand on his shoulder.
"We can talk about something else."
"N-no, I just... I do have plans to see my family."
"Oh? Do you not get along with them?"
"It's not that... My parents, they... They live at St. Mungo's Hospital. I visit them during every holiday break with my Gran."
"Oh, Neville... I'm so sorry. Do you live with your grandmother, then?"
He nodded.
"She raised me. My parents... They don't know me."
Theda's heart broke, his story sounding all too familiar.
"I'm sorry, Neville. You know, you and I have a lot in common. I was raised by my grandmother too, and, well, my parents don't know me either."
Neville was visibly surprised to hear this.
"Did they... lose their memories too?"
"My father did. As for my mother... well, she forgot me too, in her way."
Theda's words gave Neville the confidence he needed to open up a little more.
"My parents were tortured by a Death Eater named Bellatrix Lestrange... until they went mad."
Theda felt tears beginning to prick her eyes, but she tried to hold them back for Neville's sake. She gently squeezed his shoulder.
"And you visit them every Christmas?"
He nodded, which absolutely shattered her heart. To imagine a highly sensitive boy like Neville spending every Christmas with parents who had never known him was about the most heartbreaking thing she could imagine. Christmas was a day that should be spent opening presents, singing carols, and making memories with loved ones... But Neville's loved ones had no memories of him at all.
"It's not so bad... They don't talk, but it's nice that I'm able to talk to them. To tell them about school and about everything I've learned in herbology. Oh, and in your class too, of course!"
Theda let out a small laugh, her eyes still burning with unshed tears.
"Thank you, Neville. I'm glad my class has made an impression on you. You're a sweet boy for spending your holidays with your parents. I know they're very proud of you. I'm sure of it."
Neville smiled sadly.
"I think they are too. My Gran, she... She compares me to my dad a lot. He was so good in school, and... I'm not. She's hard on me... She says I'm nothing like him, but... I don't think my parents would feel that way. I'm incredibly proud to be their son, and... I think they're proud to be my parents."
Theda wiped a tear that had managed to slip down her cheek as she gently wrapped an arm around his shoulders, embracing him.
"You're a lovely, brilliant boy, Neville."
Neville hesitantly wrapped his arms around her.
"I'm not brilliant... I can't even remember to do my homework half the time."
"You are brilliant, and you have a wonderful gift most of your peers don't have. You know your strengths. You've already found your calling while others will still be trying to find theirs for many years to come. You don't have to be good at everything, as long as you're great at one thing. And you are. You may forget to do your homework, but the way you manage to retain facts about plants is really quite remarkable."
The two of them talked a little bit more as they finished their tea, Theda feeling incredibly proud to have formed such a connection with a student like Neville. When it was time for the students to leave, she walked Neville to the carriages which were lined up outside the school, ready to take them all to the train station. She waved goodbye to him and several of her other students before heading back inside.
Severus suddenly awoke at his desk, his forehead covered in sweat as he struggled to catch his breath. It seemed he had dozed off while grading papers in his office, only to be jolted from his sleep by a nightmare. He looked around the room as he did his best to get his bearings, the haunting sensation of Lily's words still ringing in his ears.
"What you're doing is unforgivable."
It had been nearly two months since the first time those words had echoed in his mind, and now, just when he had finally been able to push his anxieties to the side, Lily had appeared to him in a dream. He wracked his brain, trying to recall the details of the dream, but all he could remember was the judgmental face of Lily, unchanged by time, just as he remembered her, and the soul-crushing weight of those damning words she had spoken to him once again.
Just as before, Severus felt a tremendous wave of guilt, shame, and regret. These were feelings he knew all too well, as they had been his constant companions for 11 years.
Severus remained deep in thought as he stepped out of his office, slowly wandering the castle with no real destination in mind.
Ever since her death, Severus had truly believed that it was his punishment that he was forced to go on living while Lily lay cold in her grave. Every day had been spent grieving her, hating himself, and willfully accepting his solitary, tortured existence. But now, fate had offered him an escape route, and he had taken it.
Theda was the first woman he'd ever known who might actually have true feelings for him. She treated him as an equal, and yet still managed to make him feel special. But there was a side of him she still did not know.
There was something that felt so surreal about the school when the students were gone, as if the walls themselves were scrutinizing his every action. As he stepped into the Great Hall, he saw Theda hunched over one of the tables, her face buried in her folded arms.
"May I join you?" He asked as he took a seat on the bench beside her.
Theda was startled by his voice, lifting her head.
"Oh, Severus... I didn't hear you coming."
"You couldn't sense the dark cloud looming over my head?"
"To be honest, Severus, I haven't been able to sense any of your feelings for a while now."
"Hmm. Perhaps that's a good thing."
His eyes lingered on the puffiness around hers.
"Did something happen?"
Theda shook her head dismissively.
"Something's clearly upset you. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's nothing, really... There's just something on my mind."
"Well, what is it?"
She took a moment to collect her thoughts before speaking.
"Have you heard of a Death Eater named Bellatrix Lestrange?"
"Why? What did you hear?!" He demanded. Severus felt his heart rate skyrocket as it seemed his worst fears were coming true. Had one of the other teachers finally let some incriminating information slip about his former life?
"Nothing," She insisted, confused by his sudden panic. "A student confided something in me, that's all."
"What? What sort of thing?" He asked urgently, his voice betraying his building anxiety.
"I'd rather not say, as it was said in confidence."
"Yes, but, surely you know you have my complete discretion?"
"I know that Severus, but I really don't think it would be appropriate for me to repeat. It's nothing you need concern yourself with."
Severus' shoulders slouched.
"So, it wasn't about me?"
Theda shot him a confused look.
"Why would you think it was about you? Is your name Bellatrix Lestrange? Or is that your alter ego?"
"Don't be absurd."
"I'm the one being absurd? You're not making any sense."
"Forget it. I misheard you, that's all. Yes, I've heard of her, but who hasn't? She's notorious."
Theda rolled her eyes before kissing him on the cheek. Severus felt his heart drop into his stomach.
"Let's just change the subject. What exactly is the story behind this dark cloud looming over your head?" She asked.
"No story. A nightmare, that's all."
"A nightmare? What about?"
There was a long pause.
"Lily."
Theda searched his eyes for a moment then nodded, taking his hands in hers.
"It's okay to talk about her, you know. I don't mind."
Severus was surprised to hear these words escape her lips.
"Are you sure it won't make you... uncomfortable?"
"Not at all," She said, moving a little closer. "She was your first love. Part of you will always love her. I want to know that part of you too."
He thought for a moment.
"You're okay with knowing that I still harbor some... complicated feelings for her?"
"Well, yeah. I know that a small part of me will always love Douglas. I think that's how it always goes with first loves. Especially when they've been a part of you for so long. I don't expect you to just forget all that she meant to you."
Severus smiled gratefully.
"It's just that... well, I can't help but wonder what she would think about... whatever this is. You and me. Would she be happy for me? Would she be hurt? Or angry?"
"I don't think she'd be angry," Theda said gently. "We haven't done anything wrong. If she was truly your friend don't you think she'd want you to be happy?"
"Well... we didn't exactly leave things on good terms. I'm not sure she still felt any kind of friendship for me in the end."
"I'm sure she did. It's not so easy to completely throw someone away like that after so many years of friendship."
"I'd like to believe that, but I don't know if I do. This is going to sound mad, but... I thought I heard her voice a couple of months ago, while you were in Paris... And I heard it again in that nightmare."
"You heard her voice? What did she say?"
"She said... 'What you're doing is unforgivable.'"
"And... you think she was referring to this? To us?"
"...You have to understand, I have lived my entire adult life with the belief that I am not meant to be happy. That I deserve to be punished. To suffer alone forever because I could not save her. And now, this is the first time that core belief has been challenged... This is the first time I've even considered the possibility of being happy. And it scares me."
Theda nodded in understanding. She took both his hands in hers, their eyes meeting.
"Do you want my honest opinion?"
"Yes."
"I think that was your guilt talking... Guilt that you shouldn't even feel the need to hold onto... You are not the reason she died, Severus."
He pulled his hands away, averting his eyes yet again.
"You don't know the whole story."
"Then tell me... You don't have to hide anything from me."
He opened his mouth for a brief moment before closing it again, unsure where to even begin. Theda scooted closer to him, her arms wrapping around his waist as she leaned her head against him.
"Have you ever visited her grave?"
"What?"
"Her grave. Have you visited? You know, to talk to her or to pay your respects?"
Severus was quiet for a moment before shaking his head.
"You should. I think it would be good for you."
"What purpose would it serve? I can talk to her whenever I want. I don't have to be physically near her... her body..."
She looked up at him, her head still on his shoulder.
"I know it doesn't seem important to you, Severus, but I think you need this. I think it's the only way you can let go of your guilt and shame."
"I don't think I can let go of either of those things... I think it'll only make me feel even more ashamed."
"You know I've been down this same road. You know the depths of the grief I've endured... I know what I'm talking about. Do you trust me?"
Severus was quiet as his mind was reeling, clearly conflicted. He took a deep breath before answering.
"I trust you."
"Then let's go. Do you know where she's buried?"
"In Godrick's Hollow, but... Would you really want to come with me?"
"Of course I do. I don't think you should be alone for something like this. Plus, I could use a little getaway from the school if I'm being honest. We could leave today if you're willing."
"Today? You don't really want to spend the holidays in some gloomy old cemetery, do you?"
"Severus, think about who you're talking to. I would love to spend the holidays in some gloomy old cemetery. Plus, I'd like to pay my respects."
He laughed softly, his eyes swelling with grateful tears that would not fall.
"I suppose I have no choice, then. Very well. Go get your things together."
Theda smiled, kissing him on the cheek again before she stood up. Severus froze as if his mind was still struggling to process everything that was so quickly happening.
"Can I suggest something, Severus?"
"Y-yes?"
"Let's make it a long getaway. I don't want to come back until the new year... It's just... In light of everything that's been happening recently, I just really need time away."
"You want to be gone that long? Nearly two weeks? What would we do with all that time? Where would we go?"
"Well, we'll start with Godrick's Hollow, and you can just leave the rest to me."
Severus thought for a moment, considering her proposition before nodding. He had always been so rigid, with a desperate need to remain in control at all times. And yet, here he was, putting his complete trust in Theda because he knew that no matter what this trip entailed, it would be fine as long as Theda was there with him.
"Agreed, but... I have one condition."
"Oh? And what would that be?"
"Before we go to Godrick's Hollow, I'd like to make a stop... Then you can take the reins from there. Is that agreeable to you?"
"Of course. Where are we going?"
"You'll find out soon enough. There is one more matter we need to attend to before we leave. We'll have to inform Albus of our plans."
"You don't think he'd try to keep us from going, do you?"
"On the contrary... The man's been trying to get me to take a holiday for ten years. He'll be thrilled to know it's finally happening."
