Welcome to my very realistic and accurate SI story where I, the amazing author, write an unbiased and very real story about my Pokémon adventure. This is going to be a side-project of mine as writing a thousand words this good requires a lot of time between chapters, so I'll be posting my 6k+ chapters of my other stories between this. Constructive criticism is encouraged but since I'm clearly the best author in the world and get all the bitches I won't listen to a word of it and will absolutely bully you for even trying to be helpful.
This is not a parody and me writing a massive author's note in the beginning isn't me roasting people, and this is a very true and real account of events that I imagined up in my head and take super seriously because I am the best, and what's a run-on-sententence I don't even know what that means.
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What the fuck?
I've literally been awake for five seconds and I can already tell something is wrong. Maybe it's the feeling of tree roots under my back, or the sensation of grass tickling along the underside of my arms. Maybe it's the vibrant blue sky above me, sparse with white fluffy clouds, and bordered by dense green foliage rustling in the wind.
Waking up outside isn't uncommon—I've had one too many nights getting blackout drunk in the bar flirting with hot chicks and pissing off their boyfriends… Or did I black out after being punched in the face? It's hard to remember after twenty years of office work and binge drinking.
But no, the thing that was really wrong, is that when I finally sit up and look around, I realize I don't have a hangover.
And I'm missing the top 1 1/8 feet (0.3429 meters) of my body!
I jump to my feet in a motion that would normally cause an immense amount of joint and back pain, and look myself over. My hands pat my pockets, finding them unfortunately flat, save for a condom (XXXL of course) for emergencies so I don't accidentally knock up someone. Sure, condoms suck, but making child payments is infinitely worse, and pulling out just makes a mess.
I think.
Thankfully, somehow, the rest of my clothing shrank with me to match my shorter height. My eyes fall to my boots, the black leather polished and bright, with dark brown stitching that accented the somewhat crisscrossing pattern of almost vine-like structures on the tongue of the boot. My socks are clean and fit nicely as well, white, pulled halfway up my calf, snug and comfortable cotton that would last me for years. Well, hopefully. I tend to use them long before they're supposed to wear out.
I look over my jeans, eyeing the deep golden stitching for any frays, counting little tears on the third thread up the left leg, and a complete break in the stitches on the right side just under my knee. The thick denim is a dark blue, matching the rest of my attire in a subtle way that really enhances the rest of my body. It's snug in the crotch area (thankfully that still feels normal) and there's only a little bit of colour fade on the thighs where my phone would rub at the jeans from the inside of my pocket. I tried to colour over it in the past with dark blue marker but that never seemed to work, and so I was stuck accepting that my $2 149 phone would just always end up wearing holes into the front of my pants.
Such is the life that someone as well off as myself must pay.
My hands tug at the hem of my shirt, ensuring that the- hang on! I don't have a muscle-gut anymore! I'm thinner than I was back in college! Maybe this whole appearing in another place in the middle of nowhere in a different body isn't so bad after all.
I return to inspecting my shirt, finding that the fabric in the front is starting to wear thin from previous stretching because of my massive muscles, which I no longer seem to have. On the other hand, I no longer have joint pain, so I could take the loss. Thankfully the rest of my shirt is still rather snug and just slightly well-worn, displaying both my aptitude for saving money and of my previously sizeable muscles.
A gust of wind hits me so hard that I stagger, throwing my arms to balance myself out as something lands beside me. In the middle of the fall I take notice of my hair, which, for some reason, had been dyed a bright orange-yellow colour. I desperately hope that the rest of me remains somewhat the same. I don't want to lose my grey eyes that seem to change depending on my mood, swapping from blue to green when you're able to get a good look at them, or my chiseled and well-defined jawline that accents my high cheekbones to cast the perfect amount of shadow on my face. I hope I kept my nose too, the perfectly shaped peak of my gorgeous face that, in my honest and unbiased opinion, made even Tom Cruise look like a 6.
My hands ball up into tight fists and I whirl around to face my attacker, all 5 feet (1.524 meters) of me angry at the thought that someone would choose to attack me of all people. They were going to regret the day they-
I stop. There's no one there. The space I'd just been is empty, and other than the divot in the ground, there's nothing to even indicate that I've been attacked. I take a deep breath and let the unknown attacker hear my thoughts.
"Alright, you'd better show-" I stop for two reasons.
One: my voice is far too high-pitched, confirming my worst fears. I'm 16 years old again, and possibly on the wrong side of puberty.
Two: some fucked up looking bird shot out of the treeline and slammed head-first into my chest, causing me to fly backwards. I let out a wheeze as I sail through the air, end over end, ass over kettle. I fall for entirely too long, one of my rotations revealing I'd been pushed over a small cliff!
Thankfully I manage to land gracefully in a rather dense bush.
"Stupid fucking bird, what the fuck is your problem?!" I shout.
"Starly!" I hear in return, far off in the distance as my attacker retreats.
… Well fuck. I've been reincarnated into the Pokémon universe, haven't I? It's only natural I am chosen to save the world and come here after all, and if Arceus needs me of all people, then this world is in deep shit. The llama needs the big guns.
I extract myself from the bush, noting a small tear in my black shirt where the bird hit me, around my right pec where the shirt had been slightly stretched out due to my humongously large chest muscles in my past life, and do my best to brush myself off. I take a deep breath, and purse my lips, trying to think through my situation.
"I'm in the Pokémon universe. I've been de-aged to a fifteen or sixteen-year-old. I've been attacked, but I'm not dead. I also have all my memories. Okay, I can work with this."
As a precaution, I glance down and undo my pants, fearing that this de-aging has done what I think it has.
…
I let out a whistle, and secure my pants once again, a smug smile on my face. I now know for sure my purpose in this universe.
I'm in a harem protagonist power-crawl story. I'm here to save the world and get all the bitches while doing it. Fuck yeah!
Of course, being in such a story, I can't just use my old name. That's all kinds of stupid. No one's going to want to tell the tail of "Larry" and his human and Pokebitch harem, and how they saved the universe. No, that was too boring.
This is a new beginning! I need a new name. Something fitting for someone like me. Something that strikes fear into my enemies, lust into my lovers, and respect into my friends.
"New name, new name… Let's see… Jordan the Destroyer? Ew, yikes, that's gonna do the opposite. We're off to an awful start." I hum and glance around, taking in the majestic scenery of the world that would soon be in chaos. "Zoro the Dark Overlord? I like that, it rolls off the tongue nicely, just like the ladies will. But… there's something missing…"
I take a moment to really think, looking over myself once again, taking in everything. I think and hum and haw and wonder and ponder and try to put all these different names together in my head under the bright sunlight and the clear blue sky of this world that I'm destined to save.
And then, I stop.
I had it, the perfect name. The saviour of the world, wooer of women, maker of babies, slayer of foes, and all-around badass.
"My name… is Chad Thundercock."
Shout-out to all the amazing people for your support: Nithalys, Sleepypuff, Blobbycat, Baron of Bonk, IRS, JoeyW, Nihilea, PizzaJolt, SugarCube, and Valon.
