Hey all, I'm VERY sorry about taking so long to update. The last month hasn't been a good time. Well, nothing the last year has for basically anyone, but this last month it's just been a serious shit show and I'm exhausted and pretty much done with everything. Anyway, I wrote this quickly over the probably two days since the last time I updated that I had actual time to write. Sorry if it seems rushed or if it's lacking in something. I'm too tired to even tell at this point. I'm still working on getting replies to you for your reviews to Chapter 35, which were AMAZING and without them we would not have this chapter to read so thanks for that! Hopefully it won't be so hard for me to get the following chapter assembled and you won't have to wait as long. Bye for now.
General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behaviour, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Thirty-Six~
Much more time had passed than Cloud realized when Rand opened the closet door again. In fact from the time Rand left him to the time he'd come back had felt like thirty minutes at most. Half an hour of him lying on the floor feeling like he was floating on the surface of a warm and gently flowing river. He'd felt tingly from head to toe but without any pain. He hadn't felt capable of movement, nor had he really wanted to move. The feeling of gently and slowly moving up and down with the invisible current was comforting. It actually felt nice. Euphoric, as Rand had said it might feel.
He wasn't able to think much about his situation, about how he'd gotten into it or the danger he was in. It wasn't until the closet door was being opened and he could see and hear that Rand was near that he found the feeling of fear returning and his anxious thoughts clawing their way out from under the effects of the drug.
It was his fear that made what had felt comforting moments earlier feel nauseating. The movement like he was swaying or rocking on water suddenly had him feeling dizzy and sick to his stomach. It had his guts feeling like they were tightening up and twisting and he was no longer basking in a welcome warmth but feeling instead that he was burning up, sweat beginning to break out over him.
He only had one thought then. I feel sick.
Over and over the phrase was repeating in his mind until the words actually made it to his mouth. His eyes were shut by then as he tried to will the feeling away but it wasn't going anywhere. He didn't know where Rand was, if he was standing right next to him or if he was somewhere just nearby. He thought he could hear sounds like he was out in the bedroom doing something. He didn't know how many times aloud he'd mumbled that he was feeling sick before his body was being moved and he was being lifted to his feet.
Opening his eyes again, he could see Rand in front of him. He had a feeling of pain igniting in his cuffed wrists and his right shoulder then and he felt like he could barely hold his own weight as he was being led out of the closet in the direction of the nearby bathroom. The air outside the closet felt cooler but he still felt like he was burning up inside. On the way across the bedroom he looked over at the window and although the blinds were closed, he took in that it seemed like it was fairly dark outside. That's when he realized he hadn't only been lying in the closet for a half hour. It had to have been longer than that.
Rand didn't uncuff him when he placed him in front of the toilet, though he was fairly certain he asked to be. He knew he'd thought it anyway. He found himself kneeling in front of the toilet with Rand holding onto his left upper arm to keep him from collapsing forward for a few more minutes before he finally started throwing up.
"This could have been avoided if you'd told me your weight when I asked," Cloud heard Rand say from behind him.
"What?" Cloud breathed out between his panted breaths as he finally opened his eyes again and looked down at what he'd expelled into the toilet bowl while throwing up. There wasn't much. Like most other days, he hadn't consumed as much as he probably should have.
"The nausea," Rand replied.
Sitting back on his heels, Cloud tried to turn his head to look back and up at the man without losing his balance.
"It's my fault?" he asked in a voice that was weaker than he wanted, his words slower than they should have been. He was still fighting his way out from under the hold the drug Rand had injected him with had on him.
"Yes, it may have saved you some discomfort. You insist on making things harder than they have to be," Rand lectured him.
Cloud scoffed at his response and tried to pull away from his hand which was still holding his upper arm. The man didn't let go but held him more loosely.
"You're just as bad as Hojo, you know that?" he mumbled as he let his eyes fall shut again. He felt so tired and his head felt like a brick that he really wanted to drop. He resisted the urge he had to rest his forehead on the toilet seat in front of him.
"In some respects, I wouldn't argue with that," Rand remarked. "Do you think you're finished?" he asked then. "Would you like some water?"
"I'd like you to uncuff me and let me go," Cloud fired back with as much sharpness in his voice as he could produce.
"So, no to the water then," was Rand's reply that had him once more twisting his upper body to look up at him.
"Are you enjoying this?" he asked at the same time he tried to shake some of his hair off his forehead. The action had little result as the strands of hair seemed glued to his skin by his sweat, a few of the longer ones sticking to the upper lid of his right eye.
"Not at all," Rand denied. With his free hand he moved Cloud's hair for him. "This isn't what I wanted," he claimed.
"Then why, Rand?" Cloud questioned, forcing himself to look directly into his eyes, hoping somehow it would compel the man to give him a straight answer and maybe even come to his senses and decide not to go any farther than he had.
He didn't get what he was hoping for. Rand only looked back at him, his expression impossible to read. His next words weren't revelatory or explanatory in any way.
"Come on," he said before standing straight, pulling Cloud up to his feet in the process.
Cloud couldn't help but let out an audible groan. His whole body was feeling stiff and sore, he assumed not only from having his hands and arms restrained like they were but also from his physical struggle against Rand earlier.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"Nearly nine," Rand said as he directed him back out to the bedroom.
It had been hours since he'd arrived at Rand's earlier to find his keys. Cloud wondered what the man had been doing all the time he was lying incoherent in the closet. He looked down at the floor as he was walking, feeling like his feet were somehow not coming into contact with the surface, or like the surface wasn't solid. Like he was walking through a marsh. He saw the edge of the bed in front of him and sat down when Rand turned him around. That's when he looked up and next to him and noticed that on the bed were two duffle bags, partly packed with what he assumed were Rand's belongings. He hadn't noticed them when he was being led to the bathroom about to be sick.
"What are you doing?" Cloud said as he felt his stomach plummeting. He already knew it was what it looked like but he still questioned it. "What—"
"We're not staying here," Rand answered him while continuing to fold items of clothing to put in the one bag.
Cloud was shaking his head then. He couldn't take his eyes off the bags to look at Rand. His heart was beating hard in his chest again and he was feeling himself starting to panic. "No," he said.
"Your things are already in my vehicle downstairs," Rand's voice told him. It sounded like he was getting farther away.
"No, I'm not—" Cloud tried to say and the man spoke over him.
"It's going to be fine," he said.
"No, Rand," Cloud said firmly as he redirected his gaze at him.
"It's not a discussion," was Rand's equally firm response.
"I'm not—"
"Cloud," the man said in a stern tone.
Despite how weak he felt, Cloud stood himself up.
"I'm not going anywhere with you!" he shouted out. Rand put a hand on his shoulder and made him sit back down, shushing him at the same time.
"Calm down," he ordered and although he didn't say it, the warning of doing something to silence him was pretty easily read in his eyes.
After a moment of the man staring him down like he was daring him to give him a reason to get more aggressive again and Cloud keeping his mouth shut, Rand resumed packing.
"It's not happening. I'm not going," Cloud said then, his voice quieter again but firm.
Rand seemed to exhale with irritation before responding. "We can talk about your son. I'll tell you what you want to know. But not in Junon."
"You're leveraging him?" Cloud questioned the obvious.
"I suppose so," Rand confirmed.
"What does it matter where we talk about it?" Cloud asked. "Just tell me where he is and then you can go wherever you want and do whatever you want. I don't care what you do as long as you make it right."
"You will know what you want to know, so long as you stop making this situation more difficult than it has to be," Rand lectured him. "Accept that you are going to do what I'm telling you and what I'm telling you is that we are leaving Junon tonight. I expect since I have something you very much want that you'd be willing to do what it takes to get it. Not everything has to be so hard."
For a moment Cloud was quiet. He didn't know how he was supposed to respond. He knew how he wanted to respond. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs and begin smashing everything in kicking distance around him, but that wasn't really an option.
"If you're ever going to see your son, you will have to actually leave here and go with me," Rand told him then.
The man's words seemed to suggest that's where they were going to be heading. The tight and nervous feeling in his gut, however, had Cloud doubting it.
"Forget it, no," he said, making Rand look up at him once more. "I don't know he's even alive."
"I told you he's alive," was Rand's simple reply.
"Then prove it," Cloud challenged.
Exhaling with frustration, Rand shook his head to himself before looking at Cloud straight. "If I can prove it will you make things easier for both of us and come with me without resistance?"
No, Cloud scoffed internally. It was a ridiculous concept. He had every intention of fighting the man if he tried to take him anywhere.
"If you can prove he's alive right this minute?" he questioned, his voice reflecting the doubt he had. Rand nodded a little. "Yeah," he agreed. "Yeah, then, I will."
He didn't think there'd be a way for the man to prove what he was asking him to without actually physically being in the same room with his kid.
"Okay then," Rand said. "Give me a few minutes," he requested.
He took his phone from his pocket and proceeded to make a call to someone. He stepped just outside the room but Cloud could hear him talking. He lowered his head and shut his eyes while trying to take some deep breaths. He was trying to get past a second wave of nausea while also trying to keep calm.
Instead he found himself on the verge of tears. He wasn't just scared. He was pissed at himself and he couldn't help thinking of Zack. He wished it were still possible to communicate with him through Jenova the way they had been able to at one point. Although he knew Zack would be more fearful than mad if he knew what was happening, he couldn't help imagining him being angry with him. Worse than that. Disappointed. When Zack found out he'd withheld the fact Rand was actually alive and that he'd had contact with him multiple times in Junon…maybe that would be the thing that really destroyed their friendship. If he found out. No, Cloud argued with himself then, it's not if. You're going to get out of this somehow.
Rand returned to the room with a tablet in his one hand that he set on the dresser a moment so he could search out something on it. He still had his phone in his other hand, still pressed to his one ear but he wasn't saying anything to the person on the end of the line. After a minute he picked the tablet up and walked it over to Cloud.
"Alright, your proof," he said as he set the tablet down on the top of Cloud's left thigh.
Cloud drew his knees closer together so he could cradle the tablet steady in his lap. He thought at first it was a photo he was looking at, taken in a small room. Just at first glance it looked like a child's room. It was a little difficult to make out all the details because it seemed as if the only light source was a nightlight, shining from out of the frame.
What he could make out was that the walls looked like they were painted blue or bluish green and there was a paper border with animals printed on it centred and running around the room. The furniture cluttered the room and seemed too big for the space. There was a crib, a kind of dresser-changing table combination as well as an armchair and a bed.
"What am I looking at?" Cloud asked, though he guessed it was supposed to be the room his son was in. He didn't see anyone though.
"Feed from a nursery camera. It's live," Rand told him.
Cloud shrugged a little. "And I'm supposed to know that how?"
"There's a date and time," the man told him and pointed to the numbers in the top left corner of the screen. Cloud could see the seconds on the clock changing. It did seem like the accurate time. Still, he was skeptical. He gave an expression that indicated as much.
"Fine," Rand spoke through a sigh. "Turn the television on," he instructed and Cloud looked up at him, thinking he was talking to him. He was actually talking to the person on the phone. "Turn it to channel eight and point the camera at it," he instructed.
At the same time Rand turned on a small television he had in the one corner of the room, muted it and turned it to channel eight. Cloud looked back down at the tablet screen where he could see the camera moving. It was focused on a television for a few seconds. Long enough to confirm the same evening game show was being televised. Cloud sank a little in acceptance that he couldn't argue the validity of what he was seeing.
"That's good," Rand told the person on the phone. "Bring the camera over to the crib," he directed and Cloud watched the picture as it became shaky, the camera being physically picked up to be moved.
"How will I know it's not some other kid?" Cloud asked then, remaining suspicious.
"I think you'll know when you see him," Rand countered.
As the camera was being walked over to the crib, Cloud got a brief view of the bed that was in the room. It was a small bed and it looked occupied. The camera was moving too quickly for him to take in many details. It looked like a child though. Any questions his mind was forming about what he saw were quickly put out of his head when on frame finally was the inside of the crib and a baby boy who looked around a year old. He was slumbering, wearing a blue coloured romper that perhaps just by coincidence was patterned with little clouds that had sleeping expressions printed on them.
Though the lighting was low in the room he could make out that the little boy was very fair with light coloured hair. He certainly could have passed for his son but Cloud wasn't fully convinced until Rand asked the mystery person he was on the phone with to nudge the slumbering baby to show he was okay.
A hand entered the frame. Cloud tried to judge whether it seemed to be the hand of a male or female but it was gloved and difficult to tell. The person placed his or her finger tips on the chest of the boy and gently shook him a little, until he began to stir, moving his arms and legs in response. He turned his head to face straight upward and his tightly closed eyes stayed shut as he frowned at being disturbed, looking like he could start crying.
It was Cloud that started crying then. He couldn't help it. He was hit with a rush of intense emotion but also relief. It was when the little boy moved that he could see how much they really did resemble one another. He wondered what the mother looked like because it was hard to tell right then that any other DNA besides his own was responsible for creating him. It was his son. He believed it wholeheartedly and he was so relieved, so happy to know that he was really still alive. He'd felt so guilty, so responsible for his death, as though it were his fault, his mutant genetic code that took his life.
"Thank you," he heard Rand say before the man ended his call with the person he assumed had been caring for his son at the present time. He did look cared for. At least, he seemed like a healthy weight and size. The environment looked okay.
Rand took the tablet away from him then and he tried to calm himself again. Tears were still running from his eyes down his face.
"He's a beautiful little boy. He's perfectly healthy, he's growing normally," Rand told him, confirming what he'd observed himself.
"Where is he?" Cloud asked as he looked up at Rand.
"He's safe. You don't have to worry," was all the man said to that.
"How am I supposed to not worry?" Cloud fired at him. "Who is he with? His mother?"
"No, but I trust he is safe so you can too," Rand replied. "He's being well cared for."
"So the mother really doesn't know he's alive either?" Cloud questioned and the man nodded.
"She believes he passed away, yes."
"Why…why would you do this?" Cloud asked, watching as the man turned the tablet off and packed it up with the rest of the things on the bed. "You…stole him."
Rand ignored his words. "We need to go. It's going to be a long drive," he said. "You'll want to use the bathroom before we go. I don't want to stop if I can help it."
Cloud shook his head. "I can't believe this is happening," he muttered to himself as he shut his eyes. He wished it weren't. That when he opened his eyes he was going to wake up.
"So, I proved he's alive and well, now it's your turn to do what you said you would," Rand told him.
"You're out of your mind," Cloud said as he looked at him fast. "I am not going anywhere with you!" he added firmly. Rand grabbed hold of the front of his shirt and leaned in close to him. His face inches from his own.
"Yes, you are," he argued. "Whether you're awake or unconscious, restrained and gagged or free to move and breathe. You can sit comfortably in the front seat or endure the trip from inside the trunk." He let go of Cloud's shirt then and pushed at him as he did so. Cloud nearly lost his balance. He had to fight to stay sitting straight. "That is the only choice you're getting, Cloud. Front seat or trunk," Rand assured him.
Cloud avoided looking at him then. He looked over at the covered window in the room and tried again to make a plan formulate in his head but all he kept thinking was, I can't believe this.
"What will it be?" the man asked him.
There was a heavy silence for a few seconds until Cloud muttered his response finally. "Front."
"Can I trust you to be on your best behaviour?" Rand asked.
"Yeah," Cloud replied dully.
There really wasn't a choice. Rand had the control. He had the power. He had his son. He'd never met his kid, never had a chance to hold him or talk to him, to bond with him in any way and yet he already felt so strongly that there was nothing he wouldn't do to make sure he stayed safe and nothing he wouldn't do to get him away from the people who'd stolen him.
"Good," Rand said. He proceeded to resume finishing up packing.
"So, can I have my hands back now?" Cloud questioned in a sharp tone. He was terrified of what was now going to happen to him but the anger and disgust he felt for the man were what was evident in his voice. What he felt was easily apparent to Rand and when he looked over, Cloud could tell. He could also tell that unless he behaved a certain way likely wasn't going to be given what he wanted. "Please," he finally added to his request, spoken in a more neutral tone.
"You can," Rand said with a short nod. He reached into his one pocket to retrieve what Cloud assumed was the key to the handcuffs binding him. "But Cloud, there's a system in place. If something happens to me, there's no guarantee that your son stays safe. You understand?"
Cloud scoffed at the warning. "You would actually hurt him or let someone else hurt him?" he said with contempt.
"Do you really want to find out?" he asked, making Cloud look away. "Are we all clear here then?" he inquired.
"Yeah, I got it," Cloud replied.
"If you try anything at all—"
"I said I got it," he repeated more forcefully.
"Good," Rand said and finally he unlocked and released the handcuffs from Cloud's aching wrists. Immediately Cloud was rubbing at them. Already they looked like they were bruising. "Go use the bathroom while you can," the man ordered him. Reluctantly, he complied. As he was about to shut the door, Rand spoke up. "It stays open," he instructed.
Cloud stared back at him, shocked he was going to be denied the privacy. The man had to know how uncomfortable that was for him and he thought it would only be a few moments before the realization set in and Rand retracted his words, allowing him to do what he needed in the bathroom without being watched. A few seconds passed and all he got was a command telling him to hurry up so with great reluctance he did his best to try and relieve himself within view. He supposed he'd had a lot of experience with doing as much in Gongaga but a camera pointed at him wasn't the same as someone actually being there just feet away. He couldn't do it.
He gave up and sat on the closed lid of the toilet and put his head in his hands while Rand was finishing up packing. He shut his eyes and tried to make himself think of any possible way he could avoid being taken out of Junon. He kept circling back to the same simple fact. He had no choice but to do what Rand wanted. That meant going where he wanted, which he hoped was to the location of his child.
Maybe once someone figured out he wasn't answering his phone they would contact Reno and ask him to search around for his bike. If Reno was still in the city. If someone did find his motorcycle where it was parked then they might look into who was living in the building. Maybe they'd figure out Rand was alive and something must have happened…
It was only a few minutes before the man finished up packing. He called Cloud to leave the bathroom and assist him in carrying the bags. He'd carried heavier but he felt so weak it was difficult to manage. When they were down in the parking garage, heading over to where Rand's vehicle was presumably parked, Cloud found himself looking over in the direction of where his motorcycle had been left when he'd driven it there days earlier. Instead of seeing his ride where he'd parked it, the space was empty. The observation had him stopping in his tracks.
"Keep moving. It's not much farther," Rand told him but he stayed planted where he was.
"Where's my bike?" he asked with his eyes scanning around, thinking he must be confused about where he thought he'd left it.
"Don't worry about it," Rand said as he pushed him forward, making him walk on.
"Where—" he started to repeat and the man cut him off.
"I had it taken care of," he was told.
"What the hell does that mean?" Cloud asked back sharply. "What did you do with it?"
"Forget about it," Rand replied impatiently. "They're dangerous anyhow," he added.
"That's my property, you can't just—" Cloud began to fire at him angrily, dropping the duffle he'd been barely holding onto.
"Pick it up," Rand ordered him. "Right now, let's go," he said, his tone authoritative.
Cloud was about to launch back a reply when he reminded himself it was pointless and also sort of ridiculous that he was worrying about his motorcycle given what else he had to lose. Still, he couldn't help but fume about it internally. Sure that bike wasn't the best piece of equipment money could buy but it was his. It meant something to him. He could also forget about someone finding it there now and connecting Rand to what was going on.
Silently, he picked up the bag he'd dropped and followed along behind Rand to where the man finally stopped them next to a black sedan with darkly tinted windows. Rand unlocked it with a clicker and told him to put the bags he was carrying into the back seat of the passenger's side. The man did the same on the driver's side. There were already some things packed up in the back seat.
"Get in," Rand instructed then.
Hesitantly Cloud opened the front passenger door. He shook his head to himself before getting in and shutting the door. Rand checked something on his phone briefly before starting the ignition and putting the vehicle in gear. As soon as he did, the locks in the vehicle automatically engaged. The sound somehow hammered into Cloud harder the circumstance he was in that he was having a hard time fully accepting. He was trapped again, and he had done it to himself.
What if Rand actually planned on turning him over to Hojo somewhere? Or some other person or company that wanted to experiment on him? What if Rand was taking him someplace to have an implant put back in his head? He wouldn't survive something like that without the Seraph strain he'd been equipped with previously. His mind was spinning with all the possibilities.
He kept his eyes on the window next to him as they were headed out of the parking structure and into the streets. As they travelled out towards the edge of the city, they actually passed the place where he was supposed to meet with Marco a little earlier. Rand was right, it did seem like a nice place. Too nice. Just like Marco. It was probably a good thing he hadn't been able to see him that night. His life really was just chaos at every turn. All he would have done to someone like Marco is bring him down and ruin his spirit. The guy didn't need someone like him in his life in any capacity.
It was quiet in the car as they were heading out of the city. It actually helped Cloud keep control of his emotions. Any subtle sounds he made or changes in his breathing would be so loud amongst that silence. He hated the thought. Eventually, Rand turned on the radio but kept the volume relatively low.
They were a full hour on the road before the man said anything and when he spoke suddenly, it actually startled Cloud a little. He'd been trying to focus on keeping track of where they were heading. So far they were on a southern trajectory, on the very same path he'd been on when he left Junon initially, before getting that call from Tseng that had changed his life.
"Are they very sore?" the man asked him.
Cloud knew what he was talking about. He'd been rubbing his wrists a little while they'd been driving. They were sore but he didn't verbally respond to the question, figuring the answer had to be pretty obvious. He crossed his arms tightly instead.
"I'm sorry for that," Rand apologized when he didn't say anything.
Cloud scoffed a little to that. Without taking his eyes off the window next to him that he stared out mostly absentmindedly, he asked, "Why are you so strong?" It was something he really did wonder about. He'd felt weak under the man's own physical strength. He knew there had to be a reason that wasn't natural.
"Mako," Rand replied simply. Cloud turned his head to look at him then.
"Mako," he echoed and Rand nodded with his eyes straight ahead on the road. Cloud shook his head. It didn't make sense. "But you don't have…like…I mean, your eyes and—" he spoke with confusion.
It was well known and understood that mako exposure of the level that resulted in enhancements had certain physical side-effects that were observable, particularly ocular mako rings, thin greenish rings around the irises of the eyes. They could be subtle but if you knew what you were looking at, you knew what a mako ring looked like.
Rand glanced at him briefly. "No. I fall into the one percent with no visible indicators," he said.
Cloud hadn't known there was such a thing. "How did you get exposed?" he asked.
"It was for work," Rand replied.
"Why?" Cloud questioned, not seeing why anyone would do it unless they had to.
Many SOLDIERs were exposed. It had been one of the only things Cloud had feared in pursuing his dream of being in the program. Turns out it was in his future regardless.
"I need to be able to control those in my care," was Rand's answer to his question. "Though I rarely have to physically do so," he added.
Cloud wondered if he said as much because he was proud of the fact, that his other methods of control were so effective. He looked back and forth a few times from Rand to the view out of the windshield of the dark stretch of road ahead. The man seemed relatively relaxed and calm, like they were just out on a recreational night drive together. He thought it was a good time to try again to get out of him where they were going.
"Are we going to where he is?" he asked a little hesitantly. He was scared to hear an answer that was anything other than confirmation. "Are we going to see him tonight?"
Rand knew he was obviously asking if they were on their way to see his son.
"Not tonight," he said in return without taking his eyes off the road.
Cloud's stomach sank a little again but he reminded himself the man said the drive would be a long one. Maybe what he meant was that they wouldn't see him until morning at that point.
"But…is that were we're going?" he questioned tentatively.
Rand did look over him then and his answer was already in his eyes before he said it aloud. "No, not yet."
Cloud felt crushed by the response, and anxious. The most obvious reason for the man holding him hostage and forcing him to leave the city with him was that he wanted to keep him from telling anyone what he knew. There was really only one thing that would ensure he couldn't talk about what he knew. He would need to be silenced. Rand had removed any evidence that he'd been at that building with him. The man had had so many opportunities to tell him about his son's existence and had kept that information from him, which had him thinking he'd never planned on him finding out. Now that he knew, he had to consider the worst.
"Are you just driving me someplace no one's going to find my body or something?" he blurted out then, not able to handle the uncertainty.
"What?" Rand said, looking at him with some confusion of his own.
"Are you just taking me somewhere to kill me?" he asked and the man actually laughed a little.
"No," he said.
"A lab somewhere then?" Cloud questioned.
"No," Rand repeated, still smiling a little to himself.
Cloud was annoyed then. "Then can you please tell me where the hell we're going and why you're making me go with you?!" he fired at him.
Rand sighed a little before answering him. "Well…clearly I can't have you telling anyone what you've found out," he said. "The only way I can make sure of that is to have you with me."
He supposed he'd been prepared for that answer. Still, when he thought about it, it still sounded like a death sentence.
"For how long?" Cloud asked and received no response. "How long would it take until you could trust I won't," he added upon Rand's silence.
"I can't answer that," the man said finally. Cloud already knew as much.
"Because it's never," he told Rand sharply. "Right? You're not going to ever trust I won't say anything, even if I promise that all I care about is my kid. That if you let both of us go that I don't care what you do. You can't trust that, right?" The question didn't require an answer, they both knew that. "So if you aren't taking me to see him and you're not just driving me out to someplace to kill me because you can't trust me not to out you then what hell are you doing?"
Cloud could tell the man was preparing an answer but even if the motivation was one he'd already considered, it still had his heart sinking at hearing it.
"I…" Rand started slowly. He seemed to really struggle then for another moment to get the words out, nodding his head as if he had to rock the explanation out of his body. "I missed you," he finally confessed. "Cloud. I missed you," he said as he took his eyes from the road to look at him briefly. "I told you that. I've missed you so much and being apart from you, not being able to see you, knowing that I didn't have a right to see you anymore—"
He paused to take a breath and let it out deeply.
"You don't know what that's been like. Something happened to me when I took the contract as your Keeper. Before that point, I was so closed off to everything. I didn't see how hardened I'd actually become. Nothing mattered to me except my contracts," he spoke while facing straight ahead. Cloud watched him as he spoke, listening silently and trying not to hear only the pounding of his own pulse in his head.
"But it was work," he went on. "It was always just work. It was different with you. You, our time we shared, it changed me. It gave me life. I don't know how else to describe it. It made me care about things I'd given up on. Feelings I never thought I could have again."
Rand looked over at him then and Cloud lowered his eyes, not able to handle looking at him directly in the moment. "I felt human with you and I felt…needed. I felt so much purpose." Facing ahead once more he added, "I don't know how I'm supposed to live without what our time together gives me."
There was silence again then. Cloud was left reeling. Yes, Rand had expressed similar back in Midgar, but he still felt overwhelmed, sad, scared, and also angry. Part of why Rand was holding him against his will was because he missed him?
"You just do…Rand. You just deal with it," he finally worked up the nerve to respond. "Whatever you thought, however you felt, how you think you feel…it isn't real."
"It is," Rand was quick to argue. "It's real. I knew for sure when I saw you in Midgar at the college."
A sudden thought hit Cloud then and it terrified him. "Wait, was this…" He struggled to put to words his suspicions. "Has this been some plan from the beginning?" he questioned and Rand looked from the road to him and back again as he continued. "Did you have this all planned out, starting with the day you showed up at the college? Or before that even?" he asked. Rand's eyes remained on the road then. "The reactor, the recorder you sent me, the shares…was this all part of a plan? Just moves in some kind of human chess game bullshit?"
The thought that everything had been calculated, that he'd actually been manipulated like one of those chess pieces to get him alone where he was, had him feeling sick again and disoriented. Rand smiled before looking over at him with an expression Cloud felt confirmed his paranoid theory.
"Can you imagine?" he asked, his tone seeming curious more than confirmatory.
"Yeah, I'm starting to," Cloud told him.
"Hoping for and planning for are different things," Rand remarked a little ambiguously. "I really did want the best for you. I wanted you to have the shares and I wanted you to be free and happy on your own. It was hard to see how angry you were with me, but I understand…I was ready to let go—I did let go," he explained.
Cloud shook his head to his words, no longer looking at him. There was a short silence before Rand spoke again.
"You could have just taken the shares and left Junon and that would have been it, but you came looking for me," he said and there was a clear insinuation Cloud picked up from what he was saying. That Cloud sought him out. That he wanted him back in his life.
"No," he denied, shaking his head some more.
"You went to my old place," the man said.
"I told you why," replied, still not looking at him.
"You kept coming back."
He did turn fast to look at him then. "You told me I had an implant in my back that you put there! I needed it out, what was I supposed to do?"
"And you came back again," the man pointed out calmly.
Cloud was anything but calm at that point. He was shouting then. "Because I found out about my son! I knew you must have something to do with it! That at the very least you knew about it, and I was right! Let go? You want me to believe you let go, all the while you had him or knew who did and you said nothing! If you cared about me like you say then you would have told me!"
"I wanted to tell you, Cloud, and I would have if you weren't so out of control!" Rand shouted back at him then.
Cloud took offense to the accusation even if he'd felt himself that he was out of control a lot of days. "Out of control?" he repeated the man's words.
"You are a mess, and you know that yourself," Rand told him.
"What?" was all he said as he was suddenly so angry it was hard to even form a sentence.
"That night at your hotel room when I walked in on you and you had that…" Rand began to respond and paused to decide on the right word he wanted to use. "street person cutting into you while you were barely coherent, I saw just how bad it is. I could see it even more so than the night I saw you at the bar. How hard you are struggling and how you're failing to cope with your past."
Cloud looked back at him incredulously. "Because of the things you did to me!" he hurled back at the man.
"Yes! Because of that!" Rand yelled in agreement. "And it isn't fair," the man continued in a more level tone again. "I realized when you came back after leaving Junon and you were so angry and also hopeless that it is my responsibility to repair that damage that I caused," he explained. With his words, Cloud felt like the air was getting sucked out of the car.
"You need that, and I need that," Rand told him. "You clearly haven't been able to handle taking care of yourself and you don't have anyone who can. You've been trying to do it alone and it's not working. You need help."
"I have help," Cloud retorted. "I'm not alone, Rand, I don't need you or any of what you think help even looks like."
"You're not alone?" Rand questioned doubtfully.
"No, I have people in my life," he said.
"Do you?" Rand replied fast. "Because judging by what you've told me and what I could see on your phone, you don't want help from any of them. You chose to be alone over being with them. You don't even answer their messages half the time."
Cloud opened his mouth to argue but he couldn't. On one level what Rand was saying was true. He had been pushing everyone away. Not knowing what to say then, he just stared out the window next him while he tried to keep his emotions under control. He felt guilty.
"They may have good intentions but good intentions aren't going to fix you," Rand told him. "I know that it's for different reasons, but I really believe that our memories of each other and our time together have caused us both so much pain. I think it makes sense that we deal with that together."
The concluding statement had Cloud forcing himself to look at him again. His voice was at a normal volume when he spoke.
"Rand, what do you think's going to happen wherever you're taking me?" he asked, truly wanting an honest answer.
The man thought on it a moment before answering. When he did, he spoke quietly. "There's a way things are supposed to be…and this isn't it. How things have been the past year and a half. You talked about alternate universes…I hadn't thought about it but I feel like that also. Like nothing is as it should be."
"I was drunk," Cloud pointed out.
"We…we need a reset," the man said.
That was all he said before it became clear he was done talking for the time being. He reached forward and turned the volume up on the radio. He faced ahead and slid a little lower in the driver's seat, readjusting himself to be more comfortable. Cloud went back to looking out the window next to him and rubbing at his sore wrists. His hands were wet with perspiration. The conclusion of their conversation left him worried, maybe more than he'd been prior to it. The man had basically told him he wasn't going to hurt him. In fact, he was committed to the opposite. He was set on helping him and repairing the wounds he'd caused…Somehow that felt more threatening.
There was no more discussion. The only exchange of words was when Cloud had to give in and ask that Rand pull over so he could urinate. He hadn't been able to go before they left and it was only shortly after they were on the road that he'd felt he needed to. He'd held it as long as he could but reached a point where the need to go was painful and if he didn't relieve himself outside of the car he was going to do it in his seat.
The man did pull over on the side of the road. There was thick woodlot on either side of the road where they were. It was so dark and the insects were incredibly loud. Maybe it just seemed that way to Cloud while his adrenaline was still running so high. He'd felt like it was pumping through him for hours and he was so tense. Every part of his body was sore.
When they pulled to a stop, Rand put the car in park, clicked on the hazard lights and turned the ignition off. He followed Cloud down into the ditch just inside the tree-line. He relieved himself also while standing close by. Whether the man was watching him or not, nothing was going to hold Cloud back from emptying his bladder right then. When he was finished it actually made him feel like that tremor and sweat-inducing adrenaline he'd been feeling was falling finally, and he was exhausted.
It was about twenty minutes later that he must have fallen into an uneasy sleep with the side of his forehead pressed against the cold glass of the window next to him. He didn't realize he'd even fallen asleep until the car was pulling to a stop. He lifted his head and opened his eyes to see where they were. They were in a very rural looking area with thick dense forest on either side of the road. He was worried then about the fact he hadn't been able to stay awake to read road signs. The night sky was lightening a little and when he looked at the clock in the dashboard, he could see it was well into the early morning hours.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"If you need to pee again," the man told him as he was putting the car in park, unlocking the doors in the process. "You can do it now."
Without a word, Cloud unclipped his seatbelt and opened the door. He got out and took another accompanied trip to urinate. As he was headed for the passenger's side of the vehicle again, Rand stopped him, taking his left arm in his hand.
"I'm afraid I can't have you seeing where we're heading for this last part of the trip," the man told him as he was leading him towards the back of the car.
It took Cloud a second to catch on to what he was implying. It hit him when Rand used his clicker to pop the trunk open. Cloud stopped walking then.
"What?" he said fast and with confusion. "No, you said I had a choice," he pointed out.
"For this part you don't. It'll be quick. Twenty minutes, a half hour at most, I promise."
Shocked into silence, Cloud just stood by for a moment, watching as Rand removed a few things from the trunk, presumably to make space for him.
"No, I'll close my eyes, keep my head down, whatever," Cloud told him as he broke free of his momentary trance.
"You're going in the trunk, Cloud," Rand replied before taking his arm again and pulling him toward the open trunk. He dug his heels into the gravel at the side of the road and resisted.
"Don't, please, I can't get in there, I—" he tried to plead. He looked down with panic into the open compartment.
"You'll be fine. You've been confined in smaller spaces before," Rand reminded him.
"That's why!" Cloud fired back at him anxiously. "I'm—I'll freak out, don't make me do this!" He felt like he was spiraling then. His breathing was increasing. He was going to have an attack.
"Hey, calm down," Rand said as he pulled him away from the trunk slightly, making him lean against the closed back passenger door. "It's going to be alright. Do you want another dose of what you had earlier?" he offered. "I'll adjust the amount so you hopefully won't be as sick."
"No!" Cloud was quick to refuse. "Can't I just—"
Rand cut him off, taking hold of both his arms tightly. "All you're doing is wasting time and the longer you stand here in fear, the worse you're making it on yourself. You're only prolonging your suffering," he explained to him.
Shaking his head, Cloud looked past the man out into the thick blackness of the trees. He thought about running then. The urge to try was the strongest it had been since leaving Rand's apartment. He had to remind himself what was on the line. It really did sink hard into him in that moment what he was going to put himself through regardless of how much it scared or hurt him.
"Come on," Rand said.
"God," Cloud uttered barely audibly as he let Rand pull him back around to the open trunk.
He was shaking as he got himself into the compartment and lay down, sure that after a minute of being locked inside he was going to have an anxiety attack. Rand was prepared for such. He held out one of his own pills to him.
"Here, if you need it," he said and Cloud took it from him. He had to put it into his one pocket to prevent it from dissolving in the sweat on his hand. "I promise I'm not letting anything happen to you," Rand assured him. "You won't be in here a minute longer than you need to be."
Cloud wished it were comforting to hear. He looked up at Rand worriedly until the man was shutting the trunk lid over him, leaving him in darkness, accompanied by rapidly materializing flashbacks of his time in Hojo's custody.
