Me and Dylan were always something to eachother. Never indifferent.

When we were about 4 or 5 we met in kindergarden and naturally became friends. He would protect me from mean boys and comfort me whenever another crisis in my family resulted in me running away to the local park. Our spot.

It was our hiding place from our broken families. Whenever either one of us felt like the world was getting too heavy, too dark, too much.. we'd meet up here. It sounds silly but it's true. We saved eachother on this playground more times than our families ever could have.

When i got my heart broken for the first time by he who shall not be named it was Dylan i went to. He held me all night under that same tree i was now sitting under. Alone. We would sit in silence and stare at the stars hoping for a better future. He always knew me without having to talk to me. His presence was enough to let me know i had someone out there who cared for me.

When he started drinking we must have been in 7th grade. His mother had left and his father was yet again yelling at him about how disappointed he was in who he was. I found Dylan here chugging down his third bottle and was so unsure of what to do as i saw the other empty bottles near the swings. I knew if i stepped into that situation i'd never get out. I knew it because of my mother. But i did anyway. And there we were again in that same familiar position just holding eachother without having to say anything.

Truth was i had always harbored strong feelings for Dylan. I just didn't know what they were. Or rather i was scared to find out.

When we got to high school we were labelled, of course. he was the smart, brave boy every girl wanted to be chosen by. and i was.. exactly the opposite.

Guys never saw me for who i could be. They only saw my past and who i was pretending to be. The only person who believed i could be great was Dylan. He saw me for who i desperately wanted to be but couldn't because noone at West Beverly would believe Kelly Taylor actually had a good heart and was good for more than just a hook up.

When Brenda and Dylan got together i just thought : well of course. Why would he fall for me when he could get Brenda Walsh. The sweet girl next door. She was smart and pretty and just any guys dream girlfriend. I was only the pitstop to true love. The dirty little secret. The blonde vixen. But i was never the girlfriend. Nobody wanted me by their side they wanted me in the dark in their bed.

I hurt alot back then. Dylan was so happy with Brenda. It seemed like she took my place. All of my insecurities were magnified by this one girl. Our friendship suffered for the first time. Dylan was always with Brenda or Brandon and i was.. alone. again. Because noone could understand me the way he did.

And now... i was here at our old spot again. crying again. Because yet again.. he chose someone who wasn't me. He chose the seemingly perfect woman who everyone would be proud to call their wife someday. Of course he did. Because why wouldn't he? According to pretty much everyone our 'relationship' was just a brief summer fling turned a bunch of hook ups stringed together in our freshmen year of college. He was too good for me. He deserved someone like Brenda or Toni.

When you thought of them you thought all kinds of good things. When the name Kelly Taylor came up it was usually followed by 'slut' , 'not worth it' , or 'easy'. I was still the idea everyone had of me in high school while everyone else got to shed their image and grow and find love.

I know i'm probably making it sound worse than it is. Dylan was, through all of it, there for me. My only constant. My northern star. Until I didn't choose him. Because I couldn't... i just couldn't. For sake of his friendship with Brandon but also because... I didn't see what he saw in me. And now i was gonna regret it for the rest of my life. Because the one person who i always knew was gonna be in my future in some way or another was getting married to another woman. And he was probably gonna move away and i'd never see him again. And even if he wanted to stay in contact... I wouldn't. Because it hurt too much. He was slipping away and he seemed happy about it. He seemed relieved knowing that our inevitable separation, that our tumultuous relationship was now coming to an end. He wouldn't have to deal with the complicated mess i was anymore. The one who enabled his worst vices. our love could never be as beautiful as his and tonis. it was simply too much. it was born and would die in this place.

As i look at the broken swing set i can't help but shiver at the obvious metaphor. we're too broken to be together. we can't balance eachother. I wish it wasn't true but Toni was it for him. Everyone knew it.