101. Reunion
My ears rang with disbelief, the high pitch drowning out the scattered applause from the Wizengamot.
The wood-panelled door opened in my peripheral vision and the man who had escorted me from the waiting room approached. I stared blankly at his robes as he removed the bindings from my wrists and handed me a thin piece of wood that I recognised, through my dissociation, as my wand.
I took it and held it in my hand.
There was not even the faintest vibration of magic. The wand seemed just as shocked as I was. Just as dead.
The man returned to the open doorway and stood by it, waiting for me to follow.
I stared down at my unbound wrists, and shakily stood from the chair. My eyes lifted to Kingsley, who was watching me. He gave me a single deep nod.
The floor trembled under my feet as I walked down the narrow hallway into the circular room. The man opened the door leading to the corridor and allowed me to walk on alone.
My legs moved independently of my mind, my chest tight with an aching confusion. The dark tile walls drained my energy. My ears were still ringing.
There was a dark movement at the end of the corridor in front of me, and Severus appeared with a rippling of his black robes. His breath was heaving and I knew he'd run, somehow, from the room where he and the others had been held. His lips were parted, his face trapped in an open expression of urgency. My wand nearly slipped from my hand as I was frozen and pinned by his wide, dark eyes.
Then every defence fell away and I was running to him.
He opened his arms and my weak limbs somehow carried me into them. He pulled me against his chest, painfully gentle, and I gave a dry, tearless sob as I felt the warmth and strength of his body. He wrapped one arm around my waist and his other hand cradled my head, his fingers in my short hair. The closeness sent fiery shivers down my spine and my hands shook like leaves, helplessly hovering in the air behind his back.
He loosened his arms at once, but I wouldn't be separated from him, and my fingers curled into claws against his shoulder blades as I gasped, barely fending off sobs.
Slowly, carefully, he pressed his hands against my back again, and his presence flooded over me.
"I should never have let you go," he said, his voice tortured and low with hoarseness. All I could do was gasp pitifully, my belly clenching with the ache that had begun earlier in the chair.
I yearned to release all of my pain into his chest, but I was unable to. Shock had claimed every part of me, and my body felt like a puppet lost in the wrong story.
After another moment of his arms wrapped all the way around me, his warm breath on my sensitive scalp, his gentle hushing, silent tears finally slipped down my face.
A frantic feeling entered me, as though I might be torn into little scraps of fabric at any moment.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice shaking.
"You must stop apologising," he said into my ear, his voice tight with frustration, angry with me.
My face crumpled and I nodded, my nose chafing softly against his chest.
I noticed for the first time that his hands were shaking as they stroked up and down my shoulder blades. Silent need, terror and grief poured off of him in overwhelming waves, and I couldn't bear it because it was my fault.
I took the smallest step away, taking quiet gasps of air and staring blankly at his buttons.
The quiet whisper of shifting fabric filled my ears and he brushed my tears away with his thumbs. I feared I would shatter under his most cautious touch. He gently lifted my face and I stared into his searching darkness as he examined my red eye.
There was an unmistakable sharpening of his expression as he noticed the tiny new scar, high on my cheekbone, from Remus's nightmare.
His lips were pressed in a tight line, holding back the traces of emotion that breathing might have betrayed. He didn't say a word about it, but I knew he knew where it had come from. His thumb traced against it and I flinched at the sting.
I stared down, my lip trembling bitterly and my eyes brimming with more tears. His hands hovered over my shoulders, and I could feel him silently assessing how broken I was.
My sadness had retreated to some distant place outside of my body. I was numb now, and my tears were unfeeling ones, falling from my eyes as emotionlessly as rain falls from clouds. I looked up at Severus, but his face was so tight and pale with hurt that my neck drooped again, and I just stared at his unsteady hand.
Footsteps approached behind him, and my fingers clutched his arm on instinct as I looked towards the sound. It was Poppy and Minerva rounding the same corner, their eyes darker than I'd seen them.
"Oh, Miss Weasley," Minerva crooned, coming close to resting her hand on my arm but not doing so. "Unforgivable. Unforgivable… But thank Merlin…"
"Here." Poppy took a vial of potion from her pocket, and I recognised it as the pain reliever she'd had me take over the past days.
How many days? My past seemed like a blur.
"I think you ought to take this." She uncorked it and I stared down at the little circle of shimmering liquid on the surface.
I took it and tipped it into my mouth, swallowing shakily. Then I gave the empty vial back to Poppy, who pocketed it. I slid my tongue over the roof of my mouth and trembled.
"Let's go now, Miss Weasley," Minerva said. She and Poppy began walking slowly around the corner, casting wary glances back at me. Severus's hand carefully touched mine, his fingers pressing against my palm, and I let myself be led to the lift.
The gate made a terrible sound as it was closed, and I clung to Severus's arm as we began to move upward, closing my eyes tightly.
"It's all over now," Minerva said, her voice unusually gentle. "And you can go anywhere you like. Poppy…"
"I do think it would be best for you to go to hospital, Wilma."
I shook my head. I didn't want to be around people. I just wanted to be alone. Poppy hid her disapproval behind her eyes and didn't press the point.
"Pouncer." My whisper was lost under the rushing of the air.
"What's that, dear?"
"Pouncer is still at the house."
"I will take you," Severus said.
"And I will wait for you at your family's house," said Poppy.
The lift came to a stop and Minerva pushed the gate open.
From the atrium I could hear the low, vibratory hum of many people talking. I froze, my wand sending sudden bolts of lighting up my arm. I didn't want to be seen again.
Poppy and Minerva stepped out of the lift, but I couldn't make myself move.
Severus wrapped his hand more firmly around mine and gently led me forward.
My mind was elsewhere as we walked around the gold fountain and our appearance set off the shouting and chanting anew.
Severus stepped to my other side, blocking me from view, and I clutched his arm, my body weak from faintness.
Again the screaming raked against my ears like battle sounds, and my system was too tangled by trauma to feel warmth of any kind when I caught sight of my siblings and the others who I'd seen before the trial, Ginny collapsing into Harry with cries of relief.
My eyes glanced towards Rita Skeeter and Draco, but the white flashes of the cameras made my eyelids flutter and I hid my forehead against the black fabric of Severus's sleeve.
Minerva ushered us towards the open fireplace with an extended arm, and I put myself in Severus's hands as we stepped into the green flames. His arm wrapped around my waist and his other hand held my head to his chest, protecting me as my hands finally came up to cover my ringing ears. There was another flash of pale light and then the flames bloomed around us and we were flying.
Little movements passed between us in the dark. His hand caressed my back, from my shoulder to my waist, and I breathed softly into the fabric over his ribs. Then I felt his hands against my hands, gently moving my fingers away from my ears. I opened my eyes, my nose touching one of his buttons.
It was so quiet, dim and cold. It was still snowing a little outside the windows. Severus eased his arms away, his warm hand upon my elbow his only touch.
My mind was filled with fog, my heartbeat thumping at the base of my skull. I slipped away from Severus, my heart leading me elsewhere to escape the heavy ache I felt against him.
"Pouncer?" I called, my voice ragged.
I wandered into the kitchen, then up the many stairs, looking for the yellow Kneazle in each room.
He was all the way up in the attic, fast asleep on an abandoned upholstered chair. Judging by the bones that lay at the wooden feet, he'd found a mouse or two to eat. It seemed impossible that I'd only said goodbye to him that morning… and to Remus two mornings before.
He startled awake when he heard the floorboards creak under me, and his green eyes brightened as he hopped down and approached me, purring around my calves. I bent over to pet him but quickly drew up again when the movement sent a stabbing pain through my belly. Tears welled in my eyes but then retreated.
I couldn't manage feeling.
Pouncer looked up at me with wide eyes and gave a quiet mewl. I rubbed my thumb against my fingers with a dry sound and he followed me to the door and down the stairs, staying on the same step as me as I clutched the bannister, descending more slowly than I'd climbed up.
I felt lightheaded by the time I reached the ground floor again, my hand resting on my tense middle. Pouncer meowed and led the way into the drawing room, and I kept my eyes on the floor, expecting it to open up or present some inexplicable obstacle, as I took it one step at a time.
When I reached the doorway I paused and looked up, some silent communication reaching me through the air, and was met with the sight of Severus, looking down at something in his hand.
My heart dropped through me when I realised it was Remus's letter.
I had utterly forgotten that it had been there on the sofa, where the men had thrown it after finding it in my pocket.
All I could do was stand there, forgetting how to breathe, while he looked at the letter. He didn't seem to be reading, only staring. After I'd stood there a moment he looked up and returned my silent gaze, his dark eyes unreadable.
I liked to believe–needed to believe–that I knew him better after all we'd been through. And it was true that I did. But only when he allowed me to. There was something of his soul that was completely inaccessible to me the moment he put up his walls. And losing sight of it made me feel a lump in my throat.
The paper quivered slightly in his hand and my body ached with the memory of how he'd held me in our bed.
The letter was important to me, down to the depths of my soul. It contained the last contents of Remus's heart, and the truth whose absence had made me suffer for so long.
But Remus was gone.
Now that everything had been dashed to pieces I had to do what was needed for my survival, to salvage the parts of my life I could manage to salvage.
I had to salvage Severus.
My eyes met his, and the torment in his heart, the uncertainty, stabbed through me like a knife. I shook my head. "I don't care."
There was a beat of deepest silence. Then he stepped back and moved his arm and the letter towards the fireplace, still alive with yellow flames.
My heart lurched and the smallest gasp passed my lips.
He stopped, his face wincing with guarded emotion.
The blood rushed from my head and I saw aching stars. I swayed a little and leaned against the wall, the ringing returning to my ears. My wand clattered against the floor.
Severus was there in an instant, one hand holding my arm, the other cupping my shoulder. Pouncer gave a worried meow as he helped me to the sofa, and I held my head as he sat down beside me. His hand rested over the nape of my neck, his fingers and palm putting gentle pressure on the muscles, steadying me. Warmth spread down my spine, and my breath slowed as the tingling in my skull faded.
He hushed me softly, and I shifted towards him, my hands seeking him out. He pulled me in and his arm wrapped protectively around my back. "Shh…"
Pouncer jumped up and sat at my hip, purring.
Severus must have silently summoned something for there was the quiet sound of a cork popping open near my ear. I shivered and sat up again, holding his arm as he offered me a vial of invigoration draught.
I shifted to take it but my hand was shaking too badly.
"Let me," he murmured.
His hand carefully touched my cheek to steady me, and he lifted the vial.
It took effort even to part my lips. I looked up at him, his focused eyes dark and shielding. Then I looked away, fixing my gaze on the wall as he gave me a few drops. I still couldn't detect the faintest taste, but I felt my head clear slightly.
"More," I whispered.
He tilted the vial slowly, giving me half. I coughed a bit and he brushed a stray drop from my chin, the side of his palm resting against my throat.
My eyes clenched shut and I turned away. The faintest touch of that sensitive skin made a hot bubble of nausea rise inside me. His hand withdrew at once and I felt his eyes on me.
They burned with anger as they landed again on the small new scar by my ear.
I only had to endure his pained gaze for a moment before he stood, slowly pacing from one end of the room to the other. I stared down at the letter, which he'd left on the little table, on top of the pages Remus had slaved over in those last days.
My chest tightened with grief, but I forced my eyes away from his handwriting. My wand lay on the cushion beside me and I picked it up, needing its strength even if it only felt like powerless wood in my hand. Pouncer purred as I gripped the back of the sofa and pushed myself to my feet, facing Severus.
He had stopped by the window, and the cold, pale air painted itself on his face as he looked out.
"I knew all the time," he said softly.
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"I suspected, after that night. Once, Greyback told the story of a girl left to die. Her torment was used to punish a disobedient werewolf. They let her struggle, then killed her so he couldn't… mate with her. When you came to me on a full moon I knew it was possible that…"
He turned his head slightly but then closed his eyes, unable to look at me.
"I should have told you from the first. You deserved to know and I knew that Lupin wouldn't tell you himself. After he left I chose to deny it. To hope it had never been true. But I was…"
He looked at me then, his eyes blazing with black fire. "And now he's left that mark on you on purpose. To remind me you belong to him."
I felt nothing but quiet shock at the revelation.
"It was an accident," I said, my voice still hoarse and quiet.
A sharp hiss from Severus silenced me. Tears welled in my eyes and then dissipated into nothing.
I watched him as he stared out the window. When he spoke next it took me a long moment to register the words.
"I have never done you good."
He'd made his voice hard again and it frightened me.
We'd been here before. But it felt different this time.
I was a hollowed-out creature with no being beneath my ruined skin. I couldn't give him anything but pain, now.
I yearned to be close to him, but my feet were too heavy to move. My voice barely carried across the room. "Please don't leave me alone."
"You will not be alone."
"Please."
"You need to live your own life."
"What?" I whispered, heartbroken.
"You need to live without me," he said firmly. "Now you can. The law no longer binds you to me."
My mind was barren of words, of arguments. It felt like I was sliding down a long slope towards cold water; the dark, numbing waters of the black lake.
"I still love you," I whispered, my voice shattering.
"I am no longer your husband." His tone was cold, and I shivered from the inside. "I am married to Frederica Bailey. My attention must be elsewhere now. I will not have time for you."
"Severus," I wailed.
"At the beginning of January I will lay with her. In time she will become pregnant." His words tore at my insides. I bent my head in grief, my short hair leaving me with no place to hide. The thought of him with Frederica was like a dagger through my belly, but the hidden pain in his voice was even worse. "You need to heal. It is best that we don't see one another."
My limbs were shaking. Everything had been ripped away from me and Severus was a rock in the middle of a vast and hostile sea, a warm place in the midst of a freezing storm.
Something snapped in me and I was able to go to him.
"Stop," he warned, as I took my first steps across the room.
I didn't stop. I couldn't.
He stepped back from the window. "Don't touch me," he said fiercely.
Pouncer made a threatening noise and I flinched, my arms crossing over my chest.
"Sev–"
"Don't."
"Please…" Tears flowed down my face. "I want to go home." I needed the safety of our cottage, to be locked in, with the snow and all the world's wickedness outside.
But Severus's face was taut and his will unmovable. He had withdrawn his tenderness from me and there was no hope of getting it back.
"I am taking you to your home," he said firmly, his eyes hard and black. "To be with your family. And where Poppy will see to you. That is where you belong. Not with me."
I stood there in shock, the sound removed from me. Silent tears streamed down my face. I felt like a child trapped in the midst of a battlefield, my wand weighing down my arm like a sword.
Severus swept past me.
Pouncer gave an irritable meow and Severus returned, his presence at my side like a crashing black waterfall of dangerous emotion. He had Pouncer in one arm, the Kneazle's green eyes bright with frustration, though he gave no protest but the tap of his tail against Severus's hip. In his other hand he had Remus's papers and his letter, holding them out to me. I took them and hugged them to my chest.
Severus held out his free arm in silence. My arms were so weak I could barely lift them. But I managed, latching onto him, and the painful tug of apparation followed.
We landed just outside the Burrow. Pouncer writhed against Severus's side and jumped down, running around the side of the house into the garden, leaving pawprints in the snow.
The freezing wind moaned, stinging my ears. But the bite of the air couldn't compare to the gnawing inside my body.
I kept Remus's papers against my ribs but refused to let go of Severus's arm.
Panic pounded through my veins.
I would never see him again.
He would abandon me and avoid me forever.
I could already feel the hardness of his body, the coldness, pushing me away.
I clung onto him passionately, pressing my face to his side. His arm lifted away from me, as though I was some repugnant thing. The hoarse sobs returned, taking me over.
"Please don't leave… Please…"
I couldn't believe I was doing this, sobbing into his chest. But there was nothing I could do to keep my soul from pouring out of me. I was overcome by fear that he would go away.
"This is not good for you," he growled, his voice dark.
"No…"
His hand gripped my arm, prying me away, but I clung on harder, Remus's pages scattering across the white ground as I wrapped both arms around Severus and clung on for dear life.
My tears froze, and I gasped as though I could take him in with the frigid air, needing to tie him to me.
"Wilma," he snapped, his fingers tightening around my frail shaking elbows. "Let go."
"Sev," I sobbed hopelessly.
He pushed me away with a hatred I'd never known from one so deeply loved, and his shout echoed through my emptiness. "I DON'T WANT YOU!"
My hands came to my face. Snowflakes burned on my arms, my shoulders shaking violently.
His words had hit me in the heart, a fatal wound.
I stared at him in the aftershock.
I hoped against hope for a change in his eyes, a softening, an apology. But there was nothing at all. Only cold rage persisting.
The door of the house flew open and we both turned abruptly, met with the sight of Remus standing in the doorway.
