NOTE
Warning for brief mentions of miscarriage and sexual assault.
102. Abandoned
Fire trembled through me from head to toe.
He was really here. He wasn't gone.
He hadn't come to the window as we'd agreed. I'd thought… I'd thought…
I turned and looked at Severus, but there wasn't a trace of shock written on his face. Of course he had known. Everyone had known but me.
I stood there paralysed with tears running down my face, shivering in the snow.
"I'm sorry," Remus said firmly, the sound and vibration of his voice making it all too real. "I will not stand by–"
"Oh, but you're the master of standing by, Lupin, unless my memory deceives me."
"This is hardly the appropriate time, Severus," Remus said, his eyes glinting threateningly.
Severus's voice was as velvety-cruel as ever. "You may not realise it, Lupin, ignorant as you are, but I'm doing you a favour. But one last thing before I leave. Would you care to explain the mark on your mate's face?"
Remus paled and I could see him swallow. Severus's every sinew was taut with defensive anger.
The stress of being caught between them hit me full-force for the first time.
My voice broke. "He didn't do it on–"
"SILENCE!" Severus shouted, rounding on me.
Remus stepped forward and the air crackled with danger. "Don't raise your voice to her."
"Now now, Lupin, you've hardly earned the right to make requests–"
There was movement in the doorway and Andromeda appeared. The sight of her sent a wave of shock through my body. Seeing her at the Ministry had been like seeing a shade from a different dimension. Now she was here, and her eyes connected to mine, wide with a readiness to defend.
"What is going on out here?"
"It's under control," Remus said, his eyes still burning into Severus's.
Andromeda took a cloak off one of the pegs inside and stepped out into the snow, wrapping the warm fabric around my shoulders and keeping her hands there protectively. I just stared at her, what could have been a warm and loving reunion destroyed by the tension in the air.
"Let's go inside," Andromeda murmured to me, but I shook my head. I needed to stay.
Severus's voice lowered, speaking to Remus as though they were the only two present. "Do you have any idea what she went through after you left? I wonder if you'd have chosen differently had you known… Would you benefit from a recapitulation?"
"I already told him," I choked out, my voice no more than a weak tremor in the air. "He knows everything."
Severus's eyes drilled into mine. "Everything?"
I shrank, for it was true that I had kept our unborn child from Remus, and hadn't told him about Lucius and Rookwood in the Cairngorms either. My eyes widened slightly and I shook my head, silently pleading with him not to speak of it.
He bared his teeth and turned back to Remus. "You may know it but you will never understand. I was beside her, not you."
"And I'm grateful that you were," Remus said, his rising anger failing to obscure his sincerity.
Severus drew his wand with a snarl. "You high and mighty–"
"Severus!"
Poppy emerged from the house, and Ginny followed after her, Harry at her side. I remembered how she had been briefly turned to stone and the horror of the memory lived in my body once more.
"Lower your wand!" Poppy insisted.
Remus had lifted his hand in a gesture of peace. But there was a flicker of danger in his eyes, and if he'd had a wand, and they'd been alone, I knew he'd have drawn as well.
The furious magic in the air was making my inner ears ache, and it seemed inevitable that Severus would hurl some dark spell at Remus at any moment. My body tensed, ready to push past Andromeda and stop him.
"Snape!" Harry said, as strongly as I'd heard him speak since the war.
Severus froze for a moment. Even the cloud of his breath in the air seemed to still at the sound of Harry's voice.
The fire in his eyes retreated, giving way to coldness, and he lowered his wand.
"Do take care of her, Lupin," he said, his voice tense and forced. And, with a moment's swirling of black robes, he disapparated.
I stared into the empty air where he had been.
My ears were numb in the wake of the conflict, overwhelmed by the weak sound of my heart. I wanted to get away. Run to the woods. But I couldn't move. I just stared down at the ground where Remus's papers had fallen.
I sank to my knees, the snow burning through Sirius's trousers as I tried to pick up the pieces, but I was shaking too much.
Careful hands rested on my shoulders. I gave up my remaining strength to them and allowed Andromeda and Poppy to bring me to my feet. Despite the cloak being wrapped around me I couldn't stop shivering as they led me through the door. Harry stepped aside but Ginny stayed with me, her eyes heavy with deep, pained love. I stared at her blankly, unable to emote.
It was surreal, being home.
All the familiar things were there. Lamps hanging from golden wire, stacks of books, windows with diamond and bottle-bottom panes, quilts upon quilts. The only thing saying it wasn't a normal, peaceful winter day was the silence.
There was sound–the quiet crackling of the fireplace, the distant creaking of the walls in the wind. But underneath it was a deep, dead silence.
Molly's knitting needles lay still in her rocking chair, a half-finished jumper still attached to them. One of the jumpers she'd always made for Christmas. The initial had yet to be added on. I wondered if it had been intended for George.
Sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace was Phoebe, who wore a wary expression, her eyes dark with fear of me. Beside her was Teddy, his clear gaze focused on me as I appeared in the entryway.
He babbled, his face full of open curiosity as he crawled to the sofa. I watched, the feeling of Poppy and Andromeda's hands fading into numbness as he stood up slowly, gripping the cushion with his tiny hands.
I'd seen him push himself up before, but never like this.
He took a wobbly step, still holding onto the sofa, and then stumbled gracefully onto all fours again.
I stared down at him, heat gathering behind my eyes, my nose stinging as he crawled towards me, his hair turning the yellow of dandelions.
I thought of how much time had passed since I'd first seen him. And how little.
My knees shook and a slow, heartbroken sob poured out of me.
Teddy froze and his face went slack with shock. A second passed and then he began to wail. A sharp, agonising sound.
The house blurred around me as I was led to the stairs. Poppy and Andromeda continued to hold me, helping me take each step. Guilt ate at me as the sound of Teddy's crying pursued me, cutting through my ears.
Andromeda stroked my arm in long, soothing strokes, and hushed me patiently when we passed by the door to Molly and Arthur's room. I realised they must have been hiding away in there. I imagined them lying together like corpses in a sepulchre, like the corpses of Pompeii.
"This is her room," Ginny whispered, when we reached the third landing.
The door opened with a soft creak and my eyes fell upon the bed as I was ushered inside.
I'd first slept in this room when I was ten years old.
I remembered that night, how I'd been unable to close my eyes in the unfamiliar bed, and had crept downstairs in the dark. A light had been on in the kitchen and Molly and Arthur had been there, still awake. Arthur had poured me a glass of milk, warming it with a tap of his wand–a display of magic that had been amazing to me, then–and Molly had given me a little tea-saucer with biscuits on it. They'd let me sit there silently for as long as I'd wanted to. Only when I'd become drowsy did I climb back up to bed and fall asleep under the warm blankets.
This room… where I'd been an innocent.
It made no sense for me to be here now. I felt like a monster invading. A clumsy, oversized monster.
"She needs space," Poppy said, and I knew that now it was only her hands on my shoulders.
"Can I get anything?" Ginny asked, her voice just above a whisper–as though I were sleepwalking, or gravely ill.
"Hot chamomile tea and heating pads. Bring my potions bag and more quilts, three or four."
There was a shuffling as Ginny and Andromeda went downstairs, and I was alone with Poppy. She closed the door and gently moved me to the bed, helping me to sit down.
"Now, let's see," she said to herself, her voice soft as she went to my chest of drawers and began searching for something. I stared into space until she approached me again with soft pyjamas I'd forgotten I owned and some fresh knickers.
"Is it alright if I help you off with these?"
I nodded once, and sat there like a stringless marionette while Poppy undid the buttons on Sirius's shirt, my mind completely blank. I vaguely registered the quiet downstairs. Teddy had stopped crying. Poppy had me lie back and helped me off with the trousers, replacing my knickers and all. I stared at the wall, empty of embarrassment. My body didn't feel like mine anymore.
She pulled me up again and I leaned against her shoulder while she pushed the blanket and sheet aside and helped me under.
A soft knock came at the door as my head rested against the pillow.
"Yes," Poppy said calmly.
I heard the quiet creak, still staring at the ceiling, and Poppy stroked my forehead.
"You've been through Hell, sweetheart," she said, her tone more loving than I deserved–as though she were speaking to a little child. "Endless harm… extreme exertion… two miscarriages… It's more than any person should have to bear." I looked over into her slate-blue eyes, and the gentleness in them. "But it's all over now. It's time for you to rest, and be taken care of."
Then she turned and looked towards the door. "Oh. Thank you, Remus."
He entered my frame of vision, and his face looked very pale. He was carrying a pile of quilts, which Poppy took one by one and covered me with. Slowly their weight settled over my bones, pressing me into the mattress. It felt… good.
More footsteps sounded on the rug and Ginny appeared with a pot of tea and a cup, followed by Andromeda who carried the potions bag and heating pads. The tea was set on a chair and the heating pads were fixed with long-lasting heat charms before Poppy slid them under the blankets; one at my feet to keep them warm, one by my shoulder, another by my hip. My skin tingled from the temperature.
"I love you Wilma," Ginny whispered, before leaving again.
"It is good to see you again," Andromeda added.
Then the door closed and it was only Poppy and Remus.
Poppy propped me up a bit on the pillows and offered me two more vials of potion, which I took without looking at, or caring about the contents.
"I can't taste anything," I whispered to her, as she lifted the cup of steaming tea towards my lips.
Her eyebrows pinched together.
"Has this been the case since you were in Grimmauld Place?"
I nodded.
"It will come back," she said, with quiet confidence.
Once I'd taken a few sips of tea, Poppy took a small vial-shaped bottle from her bag. I watched her remove the cap, revealing a small silver ball that blocked the oil inside. "I'm giving you this to keep. It's lavender and sandalwood for calmness. You can roll it on your wrists later but for now, your clavicles will do. May I?"
I gave a nod and she rolled the oil against my collar bones.
"Can you not smell this at all?"
"A little."
The tears had stopped falling now and I just felt empty and hollowed out, all the air pressed out of me by the blankets. The tea and potions were comforting, but only on the surface. Deep down they were like ointment on cursed, unhealable wounds.
Poppy set the little bottle down beside the teapot and rested her warm, calloused hand on my forehead. "I'll be downstairs," she said, and then she left, closing the door behind her.
Remus knelt down at the side of the bed.
I looked at him.
The bedroom window was white with the snow outside, and the pale light made his eyes more blue. I could see every fractal, like the rose windows of a church.
"Two?" he said, his voice soft and brokenhearted.
I slowly realised that he'd overheard Poppy when she'd spoken of my miscarriages.
I could only stare at him, his pain bleeding into mine, and mine into his, as we silently looked into each other's eyes.
"Would you like it if I held your hand?" he whispered, his voice catching slightly in his throat.
I nodded and his hand slipped under the covers to seek out mine. Our fingers touched and he gently surrounded my hand with his. His skin was cold, but it soon warmed up.
Then there was silence. Steam rising from the teacup, the snowflakes falling, the nearly undetectable rise and fall of breath.
Now my mind replayed the altercation outside. The sound of Severus's voice when he'd shouted, and how Remus had come to my defence.
"He's not like that," I whispered after a long moment, a need to defend Severus surging up in me. "He's really so loving… and…"
I thought I was going to cry again, but there were no more tears in me.
Remus didn't speak. I could see the doubt in his eyes. From what little he'd seen of Severus and me I was sure he had a very negative image of our marriage.
I had to remind myself that it was over. And not only because of the law. Severus had made that quite clear.
While I endured another invisible stab to my heart, I waited to see if Remus would say anything. He didn't.
"I dropped your papers," I whispered.
"I don't care," he said. "It's okay." Every word felt weighed and considered, as though he were speaking about something entirely different.
"Did you rescue them?"
"I was going to burn them anyway."
There was a meow outside the door, and Remus stood up to open it. Pouncer stepped inside and jumped onto the bed. He laid down with a stretch alongside me and remained there, purring.
Now that Hagrid had woken up, I was going to have to return Pouncer to his care. Our friendship was a temporary one, and the thought of being left by the kneazle broke the pieces of my heart into even smaller shards. I had the impression that they would puncture all of my organs and I would start bleeding inside again.
Poppy's potion ensured there was no pain in my belly. But there was still a heaviness in my body, so deep and profound that it felt like aching.
Remus held my hand again, and looked at me for a long time before he spoke. What limited powers of Legilimency I'd possessed before George's death were gone, or at least dormant. But as I returned his gaze it seemed I could almost hear his thoughts.
"I meant every word," he said, tears brimming in his eyes.
The letter.
"That, I won't burn," he murmured. "Unless you want me to."
I shook my head.
The pressure on my hand increased the slightest bit and I knew he was about to say something difficult.
"I can smell it, Wilma," he confessed, his voice low with a mixture of pained emotions. "The terrors. The things that haunt you, and will. But underneath… you still smell like you."
My belly clenched.
He was trembling slightly. "I hope… you'll let me help you while you heal. Let me be with you. I'll respect your wishes if you ask me to leave. But I belong to you forever, even if you don't want me." I stared at him wordlessly as more tears welled in his eyes. "I will always…"
He said no more and looked away, his gaze fixed on the patches of the uppermost quilt. I stared at his face, his scars.
"Do you have to get married?" I whispered.
The question seemed to rise from nowhere, but I feared the depths beneath it, and was ashamed for asking.
"The Ministry says I'm too dangerous to remarry. The law wants nothing to do with me, and I'm more than happy with that." He looked up at me again, his eyes softening away from their momentary bitterness. "Because, this way… I can stay with you. As your friend, your… companion. And I mean that, Wilma. I really do. All I want is to take care of you. Merlin knows neither of us…"
I nodded quietly, biting down on my lip. His words were comforting, and I believed them completely. But my heart was still aching. "Why didn't you come to the window?"
After everything this small betrayal should have meant nothing. But it didn't. And clearly it meant something to Remus too, for when I mentioned it the tears which had been gathering in his eyes suddenly streamed down his face, catching like little beads in his short beard.
His hand grew damp in mine and his voice wavered from the heavy burden of vulnerability. "I was ashamed. And afraid. When I left that letter… I thought I would never see you again. I thought you would despise me for ever daring to write the things I did, after how I abandoned you. And for what I kept from you."
His pain was too much to witness and I longed to comfort him, but I could barely move. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered.
His head sank into his hand. "I was afraid you would think I had manipulated you. Done it on purpose. Or that you'd find me monstrous… Even the thought of you finding me unnatural because of my condition was too painful, then. We were still so new and I…" his breath caught. "I loved you so very much. Even then."
My mouth trembled and I had to look away, clenching my eyes shut against the onslaught of his feelings. "But it wasn't," I whispered, my voice tense. "On purpose."
"No."
He held my hand slightly tighter as he explained and I opened my eyes again, bit by bit.
"I only suspected it when my scent had already begun to change. It wasn't just mine anymore, it was like a combination of mine and yours. And your smell to me is like…" he blushed slightly, looking at me as though afraid of my response to his words.
I just looked at him evenly. Nothing could disturb me now.
"It's like no other smell," he continued, his voice soft and breathless. "Nothing like that had happened before, even with Dora. She was on me, not part of me…"
I detected a bit of guilt on his face as the words lingered. "I did love her," he whispered, almost to himself. "But this connection… It's precious. It doesn't have to be sexual, it just means that your scent… your soul…" he squeezed my hand gently "...is like home. And that I will protect you no matter what."
A long pause hung between us.
Pouncer gave a sharp-toothed yawn.
"Wilma?"
I looked at Remus again. He was trembling slightly, and his hand remained pressed around mine despite its heat. "Did you mean it? What you said before I left?"
I was so broken that the truth flowed out of me with ease. There was nothing intact to stop it anymore.
"Yes."
I could almost feel his heartbeat quicken. "And did the letter change that?"
I shook my head no.
He leaned closer to me and simply rested his head beside mine, his hair tickling my ear. He breathed a soft sigh of relief.
Then he looked up again and rested his free hand on my head, his fingers gently tracing through my short white hair.
"Poppy told me what you did," he murmured. "Your tear. That it took your colour away."
My eyelids fluttered.
"I don't think I quite realised I was dead," Remus said.
He'd not spoken of his experience before, and I was listening closely now.
"I just knew that there was nothing, and I wasn't going to fight it. And then you were there, somehow. I just knew it. And I could breathe again."
We sat in the following silence for a long while.
Pouncer had fallen asleep, purring lightly, the vibration resonating in my frail chest.
The potions and tea had spread my exhaustion evenly throughout my body, and I was very near sleep.
"What time is it?" I whispered.
Remus stroked my hair. "You don't need to worry about that."
For some reason my eyes welled with tears. "I want to know."
"I'm sorry," he soothed, with genuine guilt in his expression. "It's just after noon."
I looked to the window, the snow falling steadily past the mismatched panes.
"Do you want to be alone?" he murmured.
I shook my head.
He stayed.
"I'm right here for you," he said. "As long as I live. I promise."
Something in my stomach lost its tightness, and I let the warmth of his presence wash over me.
I wanted to close my eyes. To sleep. However long I needed to, and as deeply as I could.
"You can sleep now," he said, seeming to know what I needed to hear. His voice was a quiet lullaby, his thumb brushing over the top of my hand. "You're safe… Sleep…"
And I did.
