Every day, my sister would be at the door to see me off when I left home for school. Every day, when I came home, she would be at the door to greet me, a ladle in her hand and the smell of dinner coming out of the kitchen to greet me and brighten up my day as brightly as the apron she wore to cover up her uniform. On days where she came home late, working part-time jobs for her own purposes, I would be there to greet her, watching as her face brightened up and then scoop me up in a tight, wholesome hug.

...no longer.

"...she had lost a lot of blood already, and her skull was severely fractured, resulting in crippling, and unfortunately...fatal brain damage..." the doctor said with a slight shake of his head, his face ashen and his eyes downcast, clearly unwilling to meet mine. "The bleeding was too severe, and it would have been too risky to have operated on her right away..."

I nodded, the words echoing hollowly in my mind.

Dead. She was dead. She was gone.

"...I'm sorry," he said.

I didn't reply. I couldn't reply. My mind was numb.

"If you need anything, please let us know," he said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.

The sound of raindrops striking the roof of the hospital in the distance echoed loudly in my ears...and then the image of Akari's broken body flashed through my mind, and I felt a lump form in my throat.

"...we found this in her pocket," he said after a pause, handing me a sealed envelope. "It was addressed to you. We didn't open it, but we suspect that it's a goodbye note, so please read it if you wish. But...read it only if you wish."

I took the letter from him, the envelope heavy in my hands.

"I'll...be taking my leave now," the doctor said, bowing deeply, his eyes still refusing to meet mine.

"Okay," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry," he said again, before turning and leaving.

I watched him go, my heart heavy in my chest. I didn't know how to feel.

...I felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come.

I sat there, the letter unopened cradled in my hands, the words "To Shiho" written in neat, flowing letters.

...my sister's handwriting.

I couldn't bring myself to open it.

I couldn't bring myself to read her final words to me.

I couldn't.

I didn't want to.

...but I had to.

I had to read it.

"..."

My fingers opened the envelope and retrieved the folded piece of paper within, the words "To Shiho" written in neat, flowing letters, my sister's handwriting.

With trembling hands, I unfolded the letter and began to read...

"Shiho:

If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want it to end like this, but sometimes things don't go the way you want them to.

I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I'm sorry for being such a burden. I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering I've caused you. I'm sorry for putting you through hell. I'm sorry for abandoning you.

I'm sorry for not being a better sister. I'm sorry for not being able to protect you. I'm sorry for not being able to take care of you. I'm sorry for not being a better person.

I'm sorry for all the times I've made you cry. I'm sorry for all the times I've made you suffer. I'm sorry for all the times I've let you down. I'm sorry for all the times I've failed you.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough. I'm sorry for not being able to be the sister you deserved. I'm sorry for not being able to take the pain away. I'm sorry for not being able to make everything okay.

I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for breaking our promise. I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I'm sorry for not being able to give you the future you deserve.

I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry for being a burden. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry for being a failure.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for not being the sister you wanted. I'm sorry for not being there for you.

...I'm just a bad sister who can't do anything for you. I'm sorry."

The words were scrawled across the page in a frantic, shaky hand, and there were tearstains smudging the ink.

I stared at the words, not quite comprehending them.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

They were the last words my sister had ever written. The last words she had ever said to me.

I read the letter again and again, and every time, the words were the same. They were the same words, but the pain was different each time. It was like a knife in my heart, twisting and turning with each passing second.

I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. And I already knew why.

"..."

My shaking finger lay on the photograph of Akari, her smiling face looking back at me.

...the tears collected in my eyes, but they didn't come. I couldn't let them come out.

I didn't deserve to.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

The words were written over and over again, the ink smudged and the paper stained with tears.

I didn't understand. I couldn't understand. Why? Why did it have to end like this? Why did it have to be her?

I looked down at the picture of Akari, her smiling face, the light shining in her eyes.

...why did she have to die?

The words were written over and over again, the ink smudged and the paper stained with tears.

Her words echoed in my head, her voice, the pain in her voice.

"I'm sorry."

The apology.

"I'm sorry."

The sorrow.

"I'm sorry."

The regret.

"I'm sorry."

The agony.

"I'm sorry."

The grief.

"..."

My eyes stung, the pain making itself known in my heart more and more, but I held them back. I couldn't let them out. I didn't deserve to.

...why did she had to suffer? Why wasn't it me instead?

...why did I had to survive?

Why was it me and not her?

The tears wouldn't come. I wouldn't let them come.

...I just can't.

She was the one who had always been there for me. She was the one who had always supported me. She was the one who had always loved me.

She was the one who had always cared about me. She was the one who had always put me first. She was the one who had always had my back.

She was the one who had always protected me. She was the one who had always been willing to fight for me. She was the one who had always believed in me.

She was the one who had always stood by my side. She was the one who had always listened to me. She was the one who had always given me strength.

She was the one who had always been there for me, and now she's gone.

...because of me.

My eyes stung, the tears blurring my vision. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't let them out. I couldn't let myself cry.

"..."

I couldn't. I didn't deserve to.

...not after what I did to her.

My fault. It was all my fault.

...if I hadn't left her alone, if I had stayed with her, if I had been there for her...

...none of this would have happened.

My sister wouldn't have died. My sister wouldn't have suffered.

"I'm sorry."

Her voice, the pain in her voice.

"I'm sorry."

Why did you have to suffer?

"I'm sorry."

If only it was me instead.

"I'm sorry."

I'm just a bad sister who can't do anything for you.

"I'm sorry."

You should be the one here, not me.

"I'm sorry."

Why didn't you live?

"I'm sorry."

It should have been me.

...it should have been me.


I wordlessly looked back at the closed door before I turned back around and quietly left home, before looking back at the shut door that once belonged to a person very, very dear to me, now no longer around.

...Akari.

"...I'm going."

My voice was barely more than a whisper, but there was no reply, not that I was expecting one.

...no matter how many times I did this, the feeling never changed.

My footsteps echoed in the empty hall, and the sound of the rain beating against the windows only served to deepen my melancholy.

"..."

Take care, Shiho! Akari would say as I walked outside, dressed in her own uniform, waving me off before heading back inside to prepare her own things for school.

"..."

Ah, you're home. What do you want for dinner? Akari would say when I came home, an apron over her uniform and a ladle in her hand, the smell of food already filling the air.

"..."

How was your day, Shiho? Akari would ask, the two of us walking home together, side by side, our hands intertwined.

"..."

You have a nice day today? Akari would inquire, her smile as bright as the sun.

"..."

Do you love me, Shiho? Akari would ask, and I would turn around to find her looking up at me, her eyes wide and glistening with tears, her hands clutching my own.

"..."

I could see her face brighten up whenever she came home later than usual, and I was waiting at the door for her to return...I could feel the warmth of her embrace as she scooped me up in tight, cuddly hugs, her arms holding me close, her voice whispering softly in my ear, telling me that everything was alright...

I could see the sparkle in her eyes, the twinkle of joy, whenever she looked at me...

I could hear the sound of her laughter, the musical notes that filled my heart with joy and happiness...

But it was all gone now.

...she was gone now.

...the only one who had truly loved me was gone now.

...because of me.


I would often dream of her in my sleep. We'd be together, just like we used to be, happy and laughing. We'll go places here and there all across the country, we'll eat and do our things together, she'd put me in her lap, drape her arms around me, and rest her chin on my shoulder, and everything would be just the way it used to be.

We'd laugh and talk and smile and hug and have fun and enjoy ourselves, and for a little while, it would be like nothing had changed. Like the last few months were just a bad dream, and I'd wake up in her arms, and she'd tell me that everything was alright. That it was okay. That I didn't have to worry.

But every time I woke up, she wasn't there anymore. She was gone. She was dead.

I knew.

"..."

Every morning when I woke up, it was like a punch to the gut. I'd lay there for a moment, trying to hold on to the dream, but it would fade away, leaving me alone in the dark. Alone in my bed. Alone in my room.

Alone in the world.

I'd sit up, rubbing my eyes, trying to force the memories out of my mind. Trying to focus on something, anything else.

But no matter how hard I tried, they always came back. The nightmares. The flashbacks.

It was like living with a ghost. A constant reminder of what I'd lost. Of who I'd lost.

I'd get out of bed and go through the motions. Getting dressed, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast. Trying not to think about the future. Trying not to think about anything.

I'd go to school and try to concentrate on my studies, but the thoughts would creep in, no matter how hard I tried to shut them out.

I'd go home and try to distract myself, but it was always there, in the back of my mind. The pain, the sadness, the loss.

I'd try to keep busy, but the memories would always find a way to intrude.

It was like a black cloud, hanging over my head, following me wherever I went. It was like a hole, in my heart, a wound that never seemed to heal. It was like a weight, on my shoulders, a burden I could never seem to escape.

It was like a darkness, in my soul, a shadow I could never seem to outrun.

It was like a curse, a constant reminder of what I'd lost, of what I'd never be able to have again.

It was like a void, an emptiness, a lack of anything other than pain and sorrow and regret and guilt.

It was like a poison, a toxin, a venom, eating away at me from the inside, tearing me apart, piece by piece, day by day.

...it was like a hell, a torture, a nightmare I could never wake up from.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down and sob and wail and sob and just let it all out. But I didn't. I couldn't. I held it all in, deep inside, locking it away, burying it, keeping it hidden. I pretended it didn't exist, that it didn't matter, that it wasn't real.

But it was. It was real. It was there. It was a part of me. A part of who I was. A part of what made me...me.

...a part of me that I would never have again...

...because of me.


It's raining.

Yep, it's raining indeed.

There's nothing more to say about it.

I don't remember anything after my fight with Satsuki. I don't remember how I got back home. I don't remember what happened when I got there.

All I know is that it's raining.

The water pours down in torrents, flooding the streets and washing away the debris of the battle. The sky is a dark, stormy grey, and the clouds hang heavy overhead, threatening to unleash a deluge at any moment.

The rain beats down on the roof of the apartment, the sound echoing in the empty room. I don't remember how long I've been standing here, but the sound of the rain and the emptiness of the apartment is starting to get to me.

It's not just the sound of the rain, it's the silence. It's the absence of noise. It's the void.

I look down at the picture frame in my hands, the photo showing me and Akari, both smiling and happy, taken during my graduation day from elementary school, taken so long ago...and yet seemingly mere months in the past

The smile on her face was genuine, but the pain in her heart is was too real.

The memories of that time are so vivid, but the reality is so distant.

It's hard to believe it was such a long time ago, but the wounds are still so fresh.

It's not just the sound of the rain, it's the silence. It's the absence of noise. It's the void.

I look around the room, the furniture and decorations so familiar, and yet so foreign. It's like looking at a reflection in a mirror, seeing myself, and not seeing myself.

Ding-dong~

I raised an eyebrow at the sound of the doorbell ringing, and made my way towards the front door, before opening it.

"Hey."

"Hey."

...Tsuneo.

He smiled at me, his expression friendly, his eyes warm. His uniform was splattered every here and there by a few splashes of the weather, and he held a streaming umbrella in his hands. His own waterproof schoolbag was dripping water, the droplets running down its straps and falling to the floor, creating a small puddle.

...his hair was damp, and his shoes were wet. He must have been walking through the rain for a while.

"...you're drenched."

"Yeah, well...the weather forecast didn't say anything about rain today."

"..."

"You should probably get inside, too."

I nodded and stepped aside, allowing him to enter the apartment.

"...yep, it's messy beyond belief, you don't have to be polite."

"Yep, I can see where you're coming from. There's hardly enough space for me to even put my foot in," remarked Tsuneo dryly as he walked in, leaving his umbrella in the corner to dry off. And leaving both of us to an awkward silence for quite a while as I made him a cup of tea and settled myself next to him on the sofa, naturally, while the weather outside raged on, the rain battering against the window and the thunder booming in the distance.

"You're...probably wondering why I'm here."

I nodded.

"Well...there are two reasons, really. One of which is rather obvious, and the other, well...it's a bit more complicated."

"Oh?"

"Well, first of all, the reason why I'm here," he said. "I'm here to give you some news. News that's going to be rather important."

"What kind of news?"

"I'll get to that, but first things first," he said, taking a sip from the steaming mug in his hands. "I know about what happened earlier today. About the...incident between you and Satsuki."

"..."

"And I also know what you did afterwards."

"..."

"...I've heard about it," Tsuneo said quietly after a pause; he clearly knew what he wanted to say, but was deliberately trying to avoid it.

"Heard about what?"

"About the fight. Between you and Satsuki."

"What about it?"

"I've...heard what you did. After the fight."

"..."

"...they're saying that you went berserk."

"..."

"They're saying that you beat her to a bloody pulp."

"..."

"They're saying that you almost killed her."

"..."

"...I don't really know how to put this..." said he. "I don't know what really happened back then, but...if Satsuki was touching upon that sensitive of a subject...I would've wholeheartedly agreed with you in your decision."

"..."

"...but still, she's in the hospital right now. You whacked her pretty good here. Dislocated her arm and broke her wrist, broke her ribs, the list goes on and on. A brutal concussion, too. The other two had ribcage fractures too, and the last one got a nice concussion as well, and a broken nose and jaw. They'll be fine, but Satsuki will need some time to recover."

"..."

"...she's in critical condition right now, and the doctors say she'll probably be out of commission for a long while."

"..."

"You know, the usual stuff."

"..."

"...they said she'll be alright. In time, anyway. But it'll be a long time before she's back on her feet again. I'm just...I'm not sure how you feel about that."

"..."

"...and you're not answering me either."

"..."

"...Shiho?"

"...Tsuneo."

"Yes?"

"..."

"Is something wrong?"

"..."

"Do you need anything?"

"...no. No, not really."

"Are you sure?"

"...yes."

"If you say so."

"..."

"You sure you're fine? You look kinda pale."

"I'm fine. Just...tired."

"Tired?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay. Do you need anything else?"

"No, not really."

"...you know, they say that when you meet someone for the first time, the first thing you think is what their favorite color is," he commented offhandedly, as if he were discussing the weather or something mundane.

"..."

"..."

"...hm."

"..."

"...hm."

Another long pause.

"..."

"..."

"...Fujimiya." Tsuneo said just as a fresh burst of thunder struck home, illuminating the skies outside the windows and sending an audible 'crack' echoing within our ears.

"What?"

"This is the second time we've spoken, right?"

We had already met some time ago...when I was caught out in the rain, or rather, I deliberately chose to stay in the rain.

"Yeah."

"I think that's how the saying goes, isn't it?"

"How what says?"

"When you first meet someone, you think about what their favorite color is. Am I right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So what's yours?"

"What's my what?"

"Your favorite color."

"..."

"C'mon, humor me here."

"..."

"Fujimiya?"

"..."

"Oi, Fujimiya, are you listening to me?"

"...why?"

"Why?"

"Yeah."

"Why what?"

"Why are you talking to me? Everyone else avoids me, so why not you?"

"I don't know. Why did you stay in the rain that day?"

I said nothing.

"I believe it was something else that made you stay out in the rain."

"...I'm surprised."

"Hm?"

"...you actually remembered something I said that day."

"...yeah, right. It's your buisness that I shouldn't be dipping a nose into, eh?" he said with a sigh, his tone somewhat flippant.

I took my eyes off the table to look at him for a moment. "...but why? You're popular. You have a lot of friends. Why not them?"

"I don't know."

"You don't?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why are you here then?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you know?"

Tsuneo turned to face me directly in the eye. "Because everyone else steers clear of you?" he said with a small shrug. "Why do you ask anyway?"

"I asked you first."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I asked you first."

"...I guess. Yeah."

"...Hm..."

"...hm."

We both remained silent, watching the rainstorm outside the window together, sipping away at our own cups of tea for a long, long while. It was a nice kind of silence, a peaceful one. It was the kind of silence that you could just sit in for hours and not get tired of, the kind of silence that felt comfortable, the kind of silence that just felt right.

...a strange feeling made itself known inside my gut, but I just couldn't put my finger onto it.

...and the longer the silence continued, the more prominent it grew.

...until...

"...Tsuneo."

"What is it?"

"Why do you keep bothering with me? You're the son of one of the most powerful families in Japan, like I said, and I on the other hand is at roughly close to the bottom of the school social ladder. So why, as doing so would only bring trouble to you?"

"Because the best gems are often forgotten because nobody bothers to look at them?" Tsuneo responded, casting his gaze at the rising moon. "We're all human, after all, so why not appreciate those who are just a little different?"

I fell silent, taking her eyes off the sight beyond the window. "...is that really all there is?"

"...hm."

"...hm."

Another silence followed.

"Hm."

"..."

"You know," he began again.

"Yeah?"

"About the proposal I was about to say about, but the student council vice-president beat me to it..."

"I'm not doing Sensha-dō again anytime soon," I interrupted curtly. "So answer is...no. Okay?"

"...hm, I see. Okay."

Another silence.

"...Satsuki's a bitch, that's for sure, but still, that was...pretty cold of you," said Tsuneo. "What the hell did she say to piss you off so much?"

"She asked me whether my family was a mess or not," I said, staring out into the pouring rain.

"...oh."

"..."

"So you're...?"

"Yeah, my parents are divorced," I said, still not meeting his eyes.

"And the...incident at home, was it?"

"Yeah, it was...well, let's just say things happened. And the results aren't pretty."

"...alright," Tsuneo said as he stood up, having downed the rest of his cup of tea, the mug's contents drained. "Well, I'd better get going."

"Leaving?"

"Yeah, I have a ton of work to do, and the deadline is tomorrow," he explained. "You know, the usual."

"The usual," I echoed.

"Yep, the usual," he confirmed, before walking over to the umbrella stand and picking up his own, now completely dried, umbrella.

"...and oh, one more thing, Fujimiya," he said just as he turned to leave, his hand on the doorknob.

"What?"

"...you don't have to answer right now, okay? Think about it."

"I said no, you—"

"Just call me when you've the answer, okay?" Tsuneo said just as he picked his schoolbag back up again. "I know that it's something you enjoyed, and then tried to distance yourself from, while I don't know exactly what happened, I'm not about to force you into anything that you don't want. Just think about it, okay? Even if you decide against it, I'm not going to stop you from doing so. So just call me when you have the answer."

"...yeah, right."

"It's just an offer, alright?"

"...right. Just an offer."

"...I'll leave it at that, then."

"..."

"..."

"...thanks for having me over, then, Fujimiya," said Tsuneo with a slight smile as he got ready to leave. "And if you need it...well, feel free to contact me, okay?"

"...okay. Okay, I will."


"Huh...?"

I stopped right next to the door leading to the music room as the notes began to flow out from a piano that was situated in the center of the room, the tune one that I could recognize within a heartbeat.

I peeked inside as the girl seated neatly in front of the instrument let her fingers glide amongst the keys, Mariage d'Amour playing out smoothly as the sound of the instrument filled the room, echoing out from the hallway and into the corridors.

...that was Fujimiya Shiho. The same person that had been the subject of the rumors going around the school.

...and yet, despite that, her skills as a pianist was no joke, to say the least.

"..."

...there was just something to the haunting melody that she was playing that I couldn't place my hand on, something that just drew me in.

...it was almost like the melody was telling a story, a story about pain, sorrow, and loss. It was like the music itself was crying out, trying to tell the world something, but nobody could understand it.

It sounded exactly like someone who had just had everything ripped out of her, like a ship in a storm, being battered and pushed around until she eventually broke. It was the sound of someone who had lost everything, and was now just drifting along, not knowing where they were going, or even what they were doing.

"..."

...was it just me, or did the tune sound even sadder than the last time I'd heard it?

"...hey, Kōno."

Shiho let the last tunes of Paul de Senneville's work drift off into the air before turning her gaze around to look at me. "What is it?"

"..."

"Something wrong?"

"...sorry to bother you. My name is Kōno Yuka...I'm the de facto student council president," I greeted.

"...the de facto student council president..."

"Yes."

"...I see," she nodded after a pause. "So, what is it that you want?"

"..."

"..."

"...you've heard about what happened, right?"

"...I'm aware."

"...so, I guess the whole school is talking about it, huh?"

"..."

"...it was the principal's daughter you beat up," I said haltingly after a pause, unsure of what to say. "And...well, her two other friends were the daughters of rich and powerful families, and even though the events indicate otherwise, their parents are going to try to make a big deal out of this."

"...I figured."

"..."

"So, are you here to tell me to apologize, or something like that?"

"Well, no, not really," I replied.

"Then what is it?"

"You were the one who won the Sensha-dō tournament last year, right?"

"Yes, I was."

"...those rich parents wanted you expelled from the school, and they want that to happen with a vengeance. I can't promise anything, but...the student council is doing its best to keep you enrolled."

"...hm, I see," Shiho muttered. "Thank you for telling me, Kōno."

"...yeah. And so far, we've only come up with one solution...it's for you to join the Sensha-dō team. As the commander."

"I take it that they can't expel the commander of the team, especially when she was picked directly by the former commander before, without raising too much of a fuss."

"Precisely."

"...and I'm guessing that Satsuki is the one who brought this upon me."

"..."

"She did, didn't she?"

"...yes, she was the one who brought it upon you," I replied reluctantly. "She was the one who proposed to her parents to have you expelled, and she was the one who suggested the idea to the principal and the other members of the student council. She was the one who orchestrated the whole thing."

"Figured," Shiho said quietly.

"...and, well, that's it, basically," I finished awkwardly, unsure of what else to say. "So, yeah. That's all."

"...I see."

"..."

"...hmm."

"..."

"If that's the case, then I have no choice, do I?"

"Well, I mean, you're free to decline, of course. It's just that...it'll be easier for all of us, you included, if you joined the team. But like I said, you're free to decline."

"..."

"So...what is your decision?"

"...I don't really know how to handle this..." Shiho said after a pause, her gaze turned off to some distant point far away. "...last time I had a family, it splintered into a million pieces like a broken glass...last time I was on any Sensha-dō team before...well, we won't talk about that. I just...I just want to be alone. Just leave me be."

"..."

"..."

I stood there, rooted to the spot, unsure of what to say. I'd come here expecting her to lash out or something, but instead, she'd just told me that she didn't know what to do.

"..."

Shiho didn't move from her spot, her hands still resting lightly on the keys of the piano. I could see a hint of sadness and despair in her eyes, but also a spark of determination.

I couldn't say anything else. There was nothing else to say.

"...just...give me a while, okay?"

"...alright," I finally said. "...alright. Take all the time you need."


1984.

"..."

I looked out of the window as the rain kept beating down steadily, wondering if it would rain over where Akari was now. It had been almost a year since her death, and yet, every day, it seemed like the memories just got clearer and clearer.

The sound of her voice.

The smell of her hair.

The warmth of her embrace.

The touch of her hand.

It was all still so fresh in my mind, even though it had been almost a year ago.

1984.

One year since the day she had died, since the day my world had fallen apart. One year since the day everything had changed.

"..."

The Boko teddy bear was now resting on my desk, the stuffed animal a comforting presence even in the face of the storm raging outside.

"..."

I was sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the rain-spattered window. It had been raining for days now, and the sky was a dark, ominous grey. I couldn't help but think that the weather reflected my mood perfectly. I could hear the sound of the wind howling outside, and the trees swaying violently. It was as if the very elements were in a state of turmoil.


I still remember clearly the last time it had rained this hard, two or three years ago.

"It'll be alright, Shiho, it'll be alright," Akari had said as she hugged me from behind, letting me sit on her lap, the two of us curled up together in her bed, watching the storm outside. "There's nothing to be afraid of, I'll be right here with you, okay?"

"Okay," I had said, leaning back into her embrace. I could feel her warmth, her heartbeat, and her love for me, and I knew that everything would be okay.

We had stayed like that for hours, just the two of us, together, until the storm had finally passed.

"...I miss you," I whispered, barely audible, to the Boko teddy bear sitting on the desk in front of me.

"...I miss you, too," the stuffed animal seemed to say back.

1984.

1984.

1984.

One year, and yet, the pain still felt as fresh as the day I had first learned of her death.

"...what would you do, Akari? What would you say to me right now?"

Of course, there was no answer.

The rain fell, unceasing, unyielding. The wind blew, wild and unrestrained.

And the storm raged on.


"Thank you."

I accepted the graduation diploma gingerly as I took my place amongst the graduates.

"Congratulations, and good luck."

"...thank you," I nodded and bowed at the principal before joining the rest of the students in a single-file line, following them out of the hall.

1985. The year I graduated from the same school that Akari had attended before.

I didn't really have much to say about my own graduation. It was a nice ceremony, and the principal gave a heartfelt speech, but the whole time, I couldn't help but think back to Akari's graduation.

It had been a year since her death, and the memories of that day still felt like they were burned into my mind.

I could still remember the look on her face, the way she had smiled at me. I could still remember the way her hand had felt in mine, the warmth of her skin. I could still remember the way her voice had sounded, the softness of her tone.

It was like she was still with me, like she was still by my side, like she had never left.

But of course, she had. She had left me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, and I blinked them back, trying to keep my composure. It was a bittersweet feeling, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was how Akari had felt, too, when she had graduated.

The crowd of graduates slowly dispersed as people began to talk amongst themselves, and I found myself standing there, alone, lost in my thoughts.

It was a strange feeling, to be honest, knowing that I would never walk the halls of this school again, and the thought filled me with a strange mixture of emotions. There were so many memories, both good and bad, tied up in this place, and now, they would all be left behind, along with everything else.

"..."

It took me quite a while before I realized that everyone had already left, and that the sun was starting to set; it's rays casting a red glow over everything while I stood in the shade of the roof of the building I was standing beside.

I was standing right where I was standing when Akari had graduated.

It was a weird feeling, to say the least, being back here, in this place. The same place, at the same time, but under different circumstances. It was like a glimpse into the past, into a time when everything had been different.

"..."

But of course, things were different now. Everything was different now.

The world had moved on, and I had been left behind, still clinging to the memories of the past.

"I'll always be with you, Shiho, even if we're not together anymore," she had said before, hiding a smile beneath her fingers as she walked outside for the last time.

...that was a promise that had been broken.

The wind picked up, blowing through my hair and sending a chill down my spine. I could hear the leaves rustling in the trees, and the birds singing their melancholy songs. It was a beautiful evening, but it felt empty.

"...I miss you," I whispered into the wind, the words floating away into the air.

"..."

There was no reply.

"I miss you," I repeated, my voice cracking.

"..."

"I miss you," I said again, my voice barely a whisper.

"I miss you, too," a voice seemed to say.

It was like Akari was still with me, like she had never left. But of course, she had. She had left me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, and this time, I didn't even bother to hold them back.

They ran down my cheeks, mixing with the rain that had started to fall. It was a light drizzle, but it was enough to dampen my clothes and leave a chill in my bones.

I didn't care.

I didn't care about anything anymore.

All I wanted was to feel her again, to feel her warmth, to hear her voice, to be by her side.

But that was impossible now.

She was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"...I'm sorry," I sobbed, the words muffled by the tears.

I wasn't sure who I was apologizing to. To Akari? To myself? To the world?

It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered anymore.

All that mattered was that she was gone, and I was left behind, alone, with nothing but the memories of the past.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again, my voice breaking.

I could feel the emptiness, the void in my heart, growing wider and wider, consuming everything in its path.

"I'm sorry," I said again, the words a hollow echo in the empty air.

I could feel the pain, the agony, the loneliness, all crashing down on me at once. It was overwhelming, and I could feel myself starting to crack under the weight of it all.

But regardless...it was still my fault in the first place.

"...you were the one who told me to be happy, Akari."

She had given her life so that I could live, and yet, I was still here, still alive, and still feeling this pain, this agony, this loneliness.

"...you were the one who told me to be free."

But even then, I still couldn't.

I couldn't let go of the past. I couldn't let go of her.

I could feel the darkness closing in, threatening to consume me.

"...and yet..."

...because I knew why.

"...you never got the happy ending you truly deserved. You never got to experience the true happiness that you wanted so badly, the happiness that I wanted to share with you. The happiness that I could never give you."

I had failed her. I had failed her in the most fundamental way possible.

I had failed to keep my promise.

I had failed to make her happy.

I had failed her, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"And yet, because of you, I was able to find my happiness."

And that's why, even now, I can't forgive myself.

"...so, I'm sorry."

The tears fell down freely down my face, the red glow that the setting sun was casting upon everything making the picture more complete.

"...I'm sorry."

I could feel the emptiness, the void in my heart, growing wider and wider, consuming everything in its path.

"I'm sorry."

I could feel the pain, the agony, the loneliness, all crashing down on me at once. It was overwhelming, and I could feel myself starting to crack under the weight of it all.

"I'm sorry."

It was a hollow echo in the empty air.

"I'm sorry."

I was still standing where Akari had graduated.

"I'm sorry."

But now, I was the only one standing there.

"I'm sorry."


I remained seated on the opposite direction of the table as Mother, my empty plate in front of me as I reclined back against the chair, my eyes looking down at the table.

She was rarely home, especially after Akari was gone. She would be away for work in the morning before I woke up and be home late at night, long after I was asleep. I rarely saw her, and when I did, she was usually busy, or too tired to pay much attention to me.

"...well, aren't you going to say something?" she said, her voice sharp and cold.

"..."

I was silent, staring down at the table.

"I asked you a question."

"..."

I could hear her voice, hard and brittle.

"Why didn't you go to the graduation ceremony today?" I asked flatly, not even bothering to look at the gap between us anymore.

"What's the point? You know why," she said.

"Because you didn't want to go?"

"Exactly. Because I didn't want to go."

"That's not a reason."

"It is to me."

I let the silence hang around in the air for a while. "Why?"

"I didn't want to go," Mother said, her tone growing colder by the minute.

"Because you didn't want to go, or because you were too busy with work?"

Mother didn't say anything.

"It's both, isn't it?" I said, looking up at her for the first time in what felt like hours.

"..."

Mother looked away, unable to meet my gaze.

"Yep...I was the favored daughter," I nodded. "Onee-chan got the short stick. And she paid the price for it."

"..."

"You were the one who made her life a living hell, Mother," I said quietly, my voice low and steady.

I waited for a response, but there was none, leaving me free reign to press on. "You were the one who put the idea in her head. You were the one who made her think that she wasn't good enough, that she was worthless, that she didn't deserve to be happy."

"..."

," I said, my voice a little louder this time, a hint of anger seeping into my words.

Mother didn't respond, choosing to remain silent, her gaze turned away from me.

"I went, but you didn't. Why?"

"I was busy."

"You were busy? Busy doing what, exactly?"

"I was working. I had a lot of important things to do," she said, her voice tight and tense.

"More important than attending your own daughter's funeral?" I challenged, not buying the excuse for a second.

"..."

"You didn't go. Why?"

"I told you, I was busy. I had a lot of work to do. I didn't have time to waste."

"So you were too busy to attend your own daughter's funeral, but you had time to go on a week-long vacation to Europe?"

"It was a business trip. I had to—"

"Don't give me that bullshit!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the table. "You didn't have to do anything! You chose not to go!"

"..."

I steadied my shaking hands underneath the table before standing up and grabbing a flask off the shelf at random, opening it to take a long sip.

I nearly choked. I was expecting it to be tea or something similar, but instead, the strong taste of alcohol slammed me in the throat. I managed to keep it down, however, letting it's contents down my throat entirely before slamming the flask down on the table and glaring at Mother, a few stray drops of liquid staining the table.

"...do you remember the day of the funeral, Mother? Do you remember the day when you finally came home and found out what she had done?"

"..."

"You didn't say anything. You didn't cry, you didn't scream, you didn't react at all. You just stood there, in silence, for what felt like hours."

"..."

"You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything to comfort me. You didn't say anything to help me cope with the loss of my sister, the person I loved most in this world."

"..."

"All you did was stand there, like a statue. Like you didn't care."

"..."

"Do you know how that made me feel, Mother? Do you know how that made me feel, knowing that my own mother didn't care enough to even shed a single tear for the death of her own daughter?"

"..."

"How does that make you feel, knowing that you drove your own daughter to suicide, and didn't even have the decency to mourn her death? How does that make you feel, Mother?"

"..."

"Are you even capable of feeling anything?"

Mother didn't answer.

I sat down again, a small, bitter laugh escaping my lips.

"She gave up everything that she had for me, you know," I said, staring off into the distance. "She gave up her life, her dreams, her future, her happiness, everything, just so I could live. She sacrificed everything so that I could be happy."

"..."

"She never got the happy ending that she deserved, the happy ending that she wanted. She never got to experience the true happiness that she wanted so badly, the happiness that I wanted to share with her. The happiness that we could never have together."

"..."

"And you know what?" I said as I turned around to face Mother again, my tone perhaps as bitter as dark coffee. "All this wouldn't have happened had it not been for you. Had it not been for your cruelty, your selfishness, your disregard for the well-being of your own daughter, none of this would have happened."

"..."

"She was the only person who ever cared about me, the only person who ever loved me, the only person who ever made me feel like I was worth something. And now, she's gone. She's gone, and it's all because of you."

"..."

"Tell me, Mother, how does that make you feel? How does it feel, knowing that you are responsible for the death of your own daughter, the daughter that you should have loved and cherished and protected, but instead drove to take her own life?"

"..."

"Well?"

No response.

"Answer me, Mother."

No response.

"Answer me!"

Mother still didn't answer. She was just sitting there, her eyes empty, her expression blank, as if she was in some kind of trance.

"Answer me!" I screamed, my voice ringing out in the quiet room.

"..."

Mother didn't say anything. She didn't say a single word.

"Answer me, damn you!"

Mother remained silent, unmoving.

"Answer me, Mother! Answer me, you fucking bitch!"

Still, nothing.

"ANSWER ME!"

Nothing.

"ANSWER ME, YOU BITCH!"

Nothing.

"ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME, ANSWER ME, ANSWERME, ANSWERME, ANSWERMEMOTHERFUCKER, ANSWERMESONOFABITCH, ANSWERMETHOUGHTYOFMEYOUDISGUSTINGPIECEOFSHIT, ANSWERMEWHYDIDYOUDOITWHYWHYWHYWHY, YOUPIECEOFSHIT, YOUPIECEOFSHIT, YOU PIECEOFSHIT, YOU FUCKING PIECEOFSHIT, ANSWERME, ANSWERME, ANSWERME, ANSWERMEMOTHERFUCKER!"

I was practically screaming by this point, the anger, the frustration, the hatred, all of it boiling over.

Mother still didn't say anything. She didn't move, didn't react, didn't do anything. She was just sitting there, staring straight ahead, her expression empty, her eyes glassy.

I stepped up and grabbed her by the collar, the heat building up in my body starting to make me feel light-headed, like I was running a high fever. I've no idea whether it was me or the alcohol inside my system by this point.

"FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU BITCH!" I demanded, my voice shaking with fury, my fingers digging into her flesh.

Mother didn't move. She didn't respond. She didn't say a word.

"ANSWER ME, YOU WORTHLESS CUNT!"

The room fell silent again, the only sound the pounding of my own heart, and the ragged sound of my breathing.

"...is this the only thing you know how to do, huh?" I whispered, the words barely audible.

"..."

"Is this the only way you can get through to people, by pushing them until they break?"

"..."

"This is the only way you know how to relate to others, isn't it? By making them feel bad, by making them feel like shit, by making them feel like they're not worth anything, that they don't matter, that their lives are meaningless."

"..."

"That's why Onee-chan killed herself, isn't it? That's why she gave up on life. That's why she decided that death was better than living, because that's the only way she knew how to escape from you, the only way she knew how to be free of your cruelty."

"..."

"Isn't that right, Mother? Isn't that right, you worthless bitch?"

"..."

"MOTHER!?"

"..."

"ANSWER ME, GOD DAMN IT!"

No response.

"ANSWER ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

No response.

"ANSWER ME, YOU DAUGHTER OF A BITCH!"

I stood there for a few moments as my breathing started to slow down, my grip on her collar loosening, before finally letting go and stepping back, the rage and anger inside me subsiding.

"You can't even answer a simple question, can you?" I muttered. "You can't even answer a simple fucking question."

"..."

"Just what are you, Mother?"

No response.

"What are you, really? Are you a person? Are you human?"

"..."

"You don't even know, do you? You don't even know what you are. You don't even know what the fuck you're doing, what the fuck you're trying to achieve."

"..."

"Just what the hell are you, Mother?"

"..."

"Who the hell are you, Mother?"

No response.

"Who are you, Mother?"

I could feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes, my vision growing blurry.

"Just who the hell are you, Mother?"

I could feel the emotions welling up inside me, the pain, the anger, the loneliness, the frustration, the hatred, all of it bubbling over.

"Why, Mother?" I cried, my voice breaking.

"Why, Mother? Why did you do this to us? Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to your own daughters? Why, Mother? WHY!?"

I let out a cry of rage and anguish as I let my fist fly, punching Mother square in the jaw and knocking her clean off her chair and onto the ground, a loud thud echoing out from where she landed.

I stood there, my chest heaving, my hand stinging, as I stared down at the unconscious body of my own mother, the woman who had given birth to me, the woman who was supposed to love me and protect me, the woman who had made my life a living hell.

The woman who had driven my sister, her own daughter, to kill herself.

"..."

I turned and bolted for the door, not wanting to spend another minute in the same house as the woman who had destroyed my life. I didn't care where I was going, I didn't care what I was going to do, all I knew was that I had to get away, far away from here, far away from her.

It was raining, but I just couldn't care.

I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know what I was doing, all I knew was that I had to keep moving. My mind was a blur, my emotions a raging storm, and all I could think about was getting away, getting as far away as possible.

I ran and ran and ran, the rain falling down all around me, the world a blur. I ran and ran and ran, not knowing where I was going, not knowing what I was doing, just running and running and running.

I stopped at the park right next to home, the one where we used to play. The playground was empty, the only sounds being the rain hitting the ground and the wind blowing through the trees.

It was almost peaceful.

I could feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes, my throat constricting.

"..."

My mind flashed back to the days before Akari took her own life, when I found her sitting on a swing in the middle of the rain.

"...Onee-chan," I murmured, staring at the swing, as if expecting her to appear.

She didn't, of course. She never would again.

"I'm sorry, Onee-chan," I whispered.

I let the raindrops fall onto my head as I seated myself onto the swing in the same manner that Akari had done so before, the wood creaking underneath my weight.

"I'm sorry, Onee-chan," I whispered again, my voice cracking.

I could feel the emotions welling up inside me, the sorrow, the pain, the guilt, the loneliness, the anguish, all of it bubbling over.

I closed my eyes and let the tears flow, the rain mixing with the salty liquid as it trailed down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Onee-chan," I whispered one more time, my voice barely audible over the sound of the rain.

"...I'm sorry..."

The rain still fell, still fell steadily, it's howling winds and cold drops no different from my true state of mind.