Winter's Refuge
Chapter One Hundred Thirteen
HEYES
I should have pushed even harder to get home. But I didn't and I can't beat myself up about that now. Later I'll blame myself for not getting there five minutes earlier. The Kid and Chrissy fell down the last few stairs just as I came in the door. I was too far away to catch them. The Kid managed to twist so Chrissy fell on him instead of the stairs and floor. That's what he does, protect us. I heard the sound as he hit his head and passed out. Chrissy had been trying to get her arm in back of his head, but it hit the edge of the stairs. Her arm wasn't bleeding but it was just hanging there. And there was silence, complete silence. It probably didn't last more than a moment but in that moment, I had the debate that would form my future as I went toward the stairs.
The Kid lay there, motionless, bleeding from the cut on his head, still clinging to Chrissy, now on top of him. I wanted to escape to the safe place in my mind, the place where no one I care about gets hurt, where the sun is always shining. I started to shelter there, knowing this time if I got there I probably wouldn't come out.
The Kid's eyelash moved slightly. I argued with myself. The Kid needs you more now than ever. He needs me to be the strong one for a while, to take care of him and Chrissy and our family and Phoenix. That's too much. I can't do that. The Kid could do that, but I can't. Then I realized I had no choice. I have to take charge; try to do what the Kid would do and take care of everyone and fix things. He would tell me I could do it. He would believe I could do it. And he would make me believe that I can do it.
And then the room burst into noise and action. I got to the Kid and Chrissy first. Auntie had screamed and dropped her cup of coffee on the floor. Then she was beside me. Was she using a cane to walk now?
Still at the table, Michael was crying, "Mama! Pa!"
Arnie and Ken were in back of me. I took one look at the tangled bodies and yelled, "Arnie, ride hard for the doctor. Auntie, get some clean rags. Ken, help me here."
Kneeling, Ken helped me start to move Chrissy. She moaned. "Don't move, Chrissy. Let me support your arm for you so you don't get hurt more," I told her.
She became more alert. "No hurt Jed when move Chrissy. Heyes, no hurt Jed." She was adamant and then her moans turned to sobbing. I tried to hold her arm when we needed to move it, still she screamed in pain.
Finally, I moved the Kid's hands from around her, still holding her, still protecting her. I lifted her slowly with Ken cradling her arm. We moved her to the couch in the living room. Auntie slid pillows behind her head and under her arm. I left her to do what she could for Chrissy and went back to the Kid.
He hadn't moved from the awkward fall, but he was trying to open his eyes. "Chrissy?" he mumbled.
"She'll be okay, Kid. You hurting anywhere but your head?"
"Heyes?"
"I'm here, Kid."
"Take care of Chrissy," he said softly. "So sorry…so sorry…" He closed his eyes again as he lost his battle to stay alert.
"Heyes, should we move him?" asked Ken.
"What happened? Arnie said Jed and Miss Chrissy fell." Juan, followed by Miss Hortencia and Mary, rushed through the door. And stopped.
Miss Hortencia broke into a wail, but Mary hurried and knelt next to me. "How can I help?"
LOM
When the baby cried last night, I struggled to my feet. Feeling hungover, I ignored the churning of my stomach and went to the room next to ours, his room, the room Susan planned so carefully to fit a girl or a boy. She had searched through every catalog at the mercantile and even had me bring some catalogs back from Cheyenne. It's a beautiful room, tasteful yet whimsical, all done in shades of greens and browns. There is even a mural on the wall of trees and squirrels and birds, lots of birds. She wanted one of the baby's first words to be bird. It's a wonderful, wistful room with everything Susan could imagine. But I find the room somber and desolate because it is missing the one thing that could bring it warmth - his mother.
Lifting him out of his cradle, I held him tight. We settled into the overstuffed chair in the living room. I rocked him and whispered to him about his mother and her wide smile that she gave so freely until he slept. I was aware of Miss Phyllis' footsteps coming, looking at us, and leaving. When he was asleep, I put him gently back to bed in the amazingly beautiful room that I hated. Then I found a bottle of whiskey and had two drinks so I could get some sleep. I don't drink as much as I did but I need it to sleep. And I need it when my memories of Susan are too hard to bear. And when I think of the future we had sat up and planned almost every night since we knew she was with child. I just drink then and that's enough.
JED 'KID' CURRY
"Heyes?" No, can't be. He's not in this prison. It's my imagination. So hard to open my eyes again. And my head aches, hurts, but I'm not gonna make a sound. Not gonna let them know they hurt me. I won't let prison break me, no matter what they do to me.
HEYES
"Yeah, Kid, I'm here. I sent for the doctor. What else hurts beside your head? Kid, can you open your eyes? This will probably hurt, but I'm going to hold a bandage to it to see if I can stop the bleeding. Sorry, but I need to press hard on it." He didn't respond but I felt he was aware. His face hardened into the tough expression he's had since we were at the Home when he was holding in pain…or feelings. "Kid, I've got you. You're going to be alright."
Hortencia sat with Michael. She was talking to him so low I couldn't hear. I was glad I didn't have to worry about him. I only have the strength to worry about the Kid.
Mary brought me a new cold, wet cloth and took the old one. I fixated on the Kid's chest, studying each breath and waiting impatiently for the next one. I bent close and kept talking in his ear…about Chrissy, about his kids, and how much I needed him. Too soon, I heard horses approaching. Arnie couldn't be back with the doctor yet. But he was. Dr. Arden had been on his way out to Phoenix anyway when Arnie found him. He just sped up his pace. He was all business when he walked through the door carrying his bag.
Coming straight toward me, he was very businesslike. But when he knelt beside me, only I could see the shock on his face. "Good that you didn't move him," he told me, as he dug in his bag for the tube to listen to the Kid's heart. "Has he been awake at all?"
"Yes, for a moment," Ken answered, before Auntie called him over to help her with Chrissy.
I looked at the Kid's face again before I whispered to the doctor, "He's awake, just doesn't want us to know for some reason. I'm sure of it."
Dr. Arden leaned very close to him and whispered so only I could hear him. "Jed, if you can hear me, let me know. I won't tell anyone."
There was no response until his eyes opened to slits. "Good, Jed."
"Doctor, don't tell them I'm awake. Don't want them to beat me no more," the Kid's words were whispers, his eyes pleading.
"Jed, where do you hurt?" Dr. Arden asked, ignoring his patient's words.
"Head. Feel bruised."
"Can you sit up? Heyes and I will help you try."
He tensed and closed his eyes. "Heyes ain't here."
"Jed, listen to me. You're home. You fell. Heyes is here."
Jed laid still; eyes closed.
"Kid, I'm right next to you. You did good. Chrissy only hurt her arm when you two fell."
"Chrissy. Where's Chrissy?" The Kid opened his eyes and tried to sit up. With our help, he managed to sit on the stairs. He took the rag and held it to his cut again.
"Bring me a lit candle," Dr Arden ordered. Leaving me to answer my cousin, he searched his bag for a mirror.
"Chrissy's on the couch. You did good. You saved her."
Looking me in the eyes, he half smiled. "Heyes, you are here. Dizzy." He leaned forward and put his head on my chest. "Tired."
Dr. Arden was still all business. He handed me the candle. "Hold it still." He used the mirror to reflect the candlelight into the Kid's eyes."
"Bright." The Kid blinked and turned his eyes away.
"Jed, l know it's bright. Look at me. I need to check your eyes," the doctor insisted. "You're a lucky man just a light concussion."
I nodded when the Kid looked at me and he looked at the doctor.
"All done. Jed, if Heyes and Juan helped you, could you get up the stairs to your bedroom?"
I thought about the times I'd seen the Kid carry grown men. We couldn't carry him, but we could let him lean hard on us.
"Chrissy?" he asked.
"I'll see to her right now. Let's see if we can get you upstairs."
"I can do it myself."
"No, Kid, this is one time you need to let us help you."
Between me and Juan, each on a side, the Kid leaned on us. His need became greater each step we went up until I was sure we had most of his weight.
"Dizzy. Tired," he repeated as we approached his bed. But he turned away from it at the end as Ruth Ann started crying. "Baby."
"We'll take her to Chrissy. Just get into bed."
When he was laying down, I took the crying infant from her crib. She was wet but I had no idea how to change her. I grabbed a clean diaper off of a stack and headed downstairs.
JED 'KID' CURRY
I'm sore all over - my back, my bottom, my side, my leg - but Aiden told me nothin' is broken. A slight concussion kept me in bed for three days but that's over Auntie said we fell in slow motion, not hard. Openin' my eyes now, Chrissy has pulled the chair next to the bed and is readin' Black Beauty to me. I feel guilty her arm is in a cast. I tried to cushion her fall. Heyes said I did mostly. He feels guilty that he didn't arrive five minutes earlier. Said he would have tried to catch us…told him I didn't think he could've done that.
"Chrissy darlin', how's your arm?" I was surprised my voice was hardly above a whisper.
She stopped readin' and I saw that faraway look in her eyes. "Arm broken."
"I'm sorry, darlin'. You were right. I shouldn't have gone downstairs."
There was silence until she said, "Chrissy darling right." And went right back to readin' out loud, not lookin' at me.
I'm glad Heyes is home, but worried that all the problems here will be too much for him. I need to get better, get stronger quicker. I won't move from this bed for three more days, I promise myself. I should be healed by then. I let Chrissy's flat readin' voice lull me to sleep.
HEYES
Mary took the baby when I got downstairs, and I went into the living room to see how Chrissy was doing. She was staring at a spot on the curtains, showing no emotion.
"Ma thinking?" Michael was right behind me. He reached out and held my hand.
"Yeah, she'll be alright," I told him.
"Pa?"
"He'll be just fine before you know it."
"Uncle Heyes, Martha's at school."
I looked at the clock. She got out an hour ago and no one had gone to get her.
"Can I come with you to get her? I want to tell her about Mama and Pa."
"Sure, Michael," I told him, then realizing how frail he looked I picked him up. "Let's go get her."
With Michael resting in the bed of the wagon, I headed for Three Birds and the school. How could I have forgotten to pick Martha up? That we all had forgotten was no comfort. They were all looking to me to think of these things today.
We found Martha halfway there. When no one came for her, she'd started walking. But her school shoes were not made for walking on a dirty dusty road. She was limping and looked bedraggled. Pulling the wagon to the side, I hopped out and hugged her.
"Uncle Heyes, you're home!"
"Sure am and sorry I didn't come for you sooner."
Michael was leaning over the back of the wagon. "Lift her in here, Uncle. I want to tell her what happened."
So that's what I did and the two of them talked between themselves all the way home. When we got there, much fuss was made over our brave little girl who had tried to walk home. But I knew I had failed her.
ASJ*****ASJ
When I got home, Dr Arden had put a cast on Chrissy's arm, and she was sitting and staring at it, oblivious to the rest of us, until Ruth Ellen cried. Looking up, she became aware of all of us. "Ruthie hungry," she said, standing. She used her good hand to support her cast. She looked at the baby, then her arm, and I could see when she made a decision. "Heyes, carry baby upstairs. Chrissy has something for Heyes."
"Yes, ma'am," I said lightly, glad she wasn't inside her thoughts.
In the room, she had me put Ruth Ann in the crib and pull her nursing chair near their bed where Jed was now snoring. While I was doing that, she was going through some papers on the small bedside table. Sitting in the chair, she tried various positions for her casted arm until I stuffed a pillow down next to her. She rested her arm there.
"Chrissy's lists." She handed me the papers. "Together we help Jed stay in bed."
There were six or seven pages of scribbled writing. I could only make out a little of the writing. The rest was gibberish. But when I looked at them, I smiled. Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, I said, "Chrissy this is just what I need. Thank you."
Ruth Ann started to fuss again, and I gave her to Chrissy to nurse.
Walking downstairs, I read the lists closer. The parts that I could read were tasks that the Kid did around Phoenix. Even though some of the things were unreadable nonsense, I meant it when I told her that I needed these. It reminded me of when I first came here. Lists helped me function then and were going to do the same now.
Before dinner, I went up and talked to the Kid and Chrissy and told them my surprise. Chrissy cried. The Kid reached out and grabbed my hand. "Imagine that. Who would have thought we'd be family men?"
My room was different. It smelled like cleaning vinegar and soap. Knight had used it when he was here…and it had become his sickroom. I put my small travel bag on the bed and looked around. It was foreign but also familiar. I moved the lamps to where I liked them and lit them so I had nothing but light in every corner. I pushed the bed into the corner where it belonged. Slowly it became my room, my sanctuary again. But soon I'll share it with Angie when she arrives. And I'll need to figure a room for Sam. And get him enrolled in school and…I stopped. I don't have time to think about that now. There is a ranch to run and people to nurse and it's fallen on me to do this. Rewriting Chrissy's usable notes, I added mine. And formed a plan.
Sitting at the dinner table with the family, I started to delegate the tasks. Martha loudly volunteered to take care of Michael and help with Joy but was reminded she still had to go to school and do her homework. And I told them about Angie and Sam…and Winny. I should have done that last part privately, but there hadn't been much of that today. Ken was upset and left the table abruptly…Mary followed. And I followed a few minutes later.
I heard them talking loudly in the barn.
"Ken, hear Heyes out. Meet this Winny and let's see if this is something you'd like to do." I knew they were arguing but Mary's voice was calm, sweet, and persuasive.
"I want to be a US Marshal. And it was presumptuous of him to assume I would want to be a bootmaker," Ken replied, but his anger seemed less than at the table.
I fought to stay in the present and not hide from the conflict. It's taken me a long time, but I've learned to admit that I can be wrong. I don't like to be wrong. It shows how weak I am. But Dr. Arden told me admitting I'm weak takes strength. The Kid admits when he's wrong and beats himself up for it. I understand why he does that, but now I'm just going to talk to Ken and see if we can move forward.
I noisily walked toward them. "It was presumptuous of me to do what I did, Ken. I apologize for not discussing it with you before I brought Winny here." I held out my hand. He looked at it, then right in my eyes before taking it.
"Thank you for saying that. And I guess that if the old man made the long trip here, I might as well consider it."
"That's not saying we won't still need you here at Phoenix."
He grinned and slapped me on the shoulder. It was painful but it was important I didn't show that.
Ken said, "Let's go back in and finish eating. Mary and I need to take some of those tasks off your lists.
ASJ*****ASJ
Among the papers Chrissy had handed me was cash. There was a note attached in the Kid's writing that said, "From Knight." I wasn't sure what that was about but later, when I was helping Juan and Ken bed down the horses, Ken told me what happened and explained why we only had one visiting mare now.
Juan told me about the Kid's trip to the blacksmith shop to get some money…and how weak he was. It hit me how sick he had been and I hadn't been here to take care of him…I didn't even know he was sick. I put that guilt away for now and tried to decide what to do with the money from William Knight. I didn't know where the new hiding place in the shop was, just that it was near the forge. The Kid just never got around to showing me. But I do know where our safe is. It's in the basement. Kid is the only one that knows the combination that he keeps changing to keep me on my toes. But I don't need to know the numbers. I have my own way to open safes.
It was hard to get anything accomplished because each person wanted to tell me their version of what had happened while I was gone. At first, I was impatient until I remembered that the Kid always did this with the Devil's Hole Gang when something happened or after a job. I'd asked him once where he got the patience to listen, and he told me that listening and kindness don't cost him anything but helps things run smoother. I need his patience today. Martha told me what she and Chrissy had done when the others were sick. She said her ma was fine and didn't 'think' too much until her papa got sick and she wasn't allowed to see him. She kept doing all the same chores - taking care of Joy, helping with the horses, planting Auntie's garden, and making soups to send up to the house for those that were sick - but she thought all the time and would stand outside and worry about her Jed. But Martha's a strong kid. She didn't know how strong. She helped her ma with everything and gave her double hugs because Michael was sick. Martha's main complaint was being apart from Michael for so long. They are always together, and she wasn't even allowed to see him through a window because he was in an upstairs bedroom. When she finished telling me everything, I wasn't sure what to say but did what I knew the Kid would have done. I hugged her tight and told her I was proud of her. I am proud of her and impressed with all she did.
After I'd listened to Juan, Glen and Arnie, Ken and Mary, Michael and Martha, sadness had crept over me, and I wanted to go inside my mind to find solace and escape. But I didn't. I walked Auntie to her house and helped her up her porch steps. I can see she hates the cane…and is dependent on it. She looked tired and gaunt and had aged when sick. But she wants, no needs, to be doing something to help this family, now her family, recover so she'll be back in the kitchen in the morning making breakfast.
When I checked on the Kid, I found him asleep with Chrissy still reading Black Beauty. Ruthie was dry and sleeping deeply in her crib.
"Chrissy, it's time for bed," I told her gently, taking the book from her. I know she wasn't reading, just reciting from memory and she kept on going. I put my hands on her shoulders and turned so she looked in my eyes. "Go on, get into bed. I'm counting on you to take care of the Kid tonight."
That she understood. "Alright, same bed?" she asked me.
"Yes, Dr. Arden said that would be fine," I answered. In fact, he told me that it would be better for Chrissy if she slept with Jed. It was evident that she needed him. "Just sleep with a pillow cradling that cast."
She looked down at her arm as if surprised to see the cast there. After a minute, she looked at me. "Chrissy tried save Jed's head." Her words were sad, defeated. But the doctor had told me what he thought happened.
"The doctor said that's just what you did. You got your hand and arm under his head and instead of his head hitting really hard on the stairs, most of it hit your arm instead. That's why he was awake already."
She 'thought' on that for a while and I touched the Kid's forehead to see if he had a fever. He didn't but I woke him. "Hey, Kid, Chrissy's ready to climb into bed now."
A small smile crossed his face meant for her, not me. "Come on, darlin', let's cuddle, but watch out for that arm."
So, I walked around and locked all the doors and the windows and went to my room. But I didn't sleep; I paced and thought and planned. And the first thing tomorrow, I'm going talk to Kid about Phoenix, about our family including Winny, Angie, and Sam. I'll be sure he stays in bed, but I need his help, and his strength, to fix everything here at Phoenix.
