Eight Years Ago

Jay loved his uniform.

Loved what it signified, order, duty and loyalty, to the city they wore it for and to the others who wore it, not just in this city or country but all over the world, a brotherhood, and a sisterhood, of people who all shared the ideals of what it represented. What it was meant to represent. Safety, protection and care.

Hope.

The only thing he didn't like was how damn itchy it was- did they have to use polyester? The army didn't and yeah on a hot day that heavy cargo material could be sweltering, and they had a lot of hot days but still. There had to be something better than this. As soon as he was in his room he stripped out of his patrol gear, grabbing a pair of sweats to slip on after he was done with his shower. It had been a relatively easy shift, busy enough to keep him engaged without tiring him out, or worse boring him, but he was glad to be home. A quiet night drinking beer with his friend was in order, he'd just gotten back a few days ago from a nearly month-long visit with one of his sisters who'd just given birth. Again. Between the four girls in the Gerwitz family there were seven kids now and Jay knew they'd all gotten on their brother's case about when it was going to be his turn. He knew from experience that wasn't a fun conversation, his aunt Carol was as fierce as all Greg's sisters combined and while he wouldn't say he wasn't interested it wasn't something either of them were ready for. Or Tess.

He was still thinking of her when he hopped out of the shower and almost like he'd summoned her, something he really wished he was able to do when he stepped out of the bathroom there she was. His heart lifted and he immediately threw his towel down to catch her as she barrelled into him, his mouth eagerly meeting hers before he realized something was wrong. She wasn't okay. She was shaking, and not in the I'm in a good, steady headspace kind of way, further proved by the tears he could feel against his cheeks as she desperately pulled him closer.

"Tess-"

"It's my turn." She rasped, her fingers digging into his shoulder and the back of his neck as she pushed herself against him. "It's my turn."

Her turn to use him to comfort herself.

Despite how many times she'd told him it hadn't bothered her he still felt guilty about how he'd treated her when she'd found him after his discharge. Not just that he'd been rougher with her than he ever had before but that he'd used her to make himself and his shitty life feel better. Until she'd promised that she would do the same. That it was how she wanted their relationship to work, not in its entirety but in the essence that they always were what they needed each other to be, how they needed to be. Three years in he'd stopped keeping track of who owed who, knowing the only thing that mattered was being there for each other. And if this was how Tess needed him Jay would do it.

It didn't stop his heart from tugging sharply when she let out a relieved, heartbreaking whimper as he lifted her up so her legs wrapped around his waist. She was clinging to him as he carried her into his room, barely letting go long enough for him to take off their clothes; to be fair he was intentionally going slower than she wanted him to but he needed to make sure she was alright. And she was there. She had a few bruises and scrapes but nothing life-threatening, not even close which meant whatever was hurting her was internal. A soul wound as Lydia called them. Worse than any physical one, though they often went hand-in-hand. But not always.

Not this time.

She couldn't hide in him forever, he wouldn't let her, but right now he did everything he could to keep her out of whatever dark thoughts were swirling around inside her head. Used every trick he had, everything he knew about her to drive her wild until it was all he could do to keep his own head straight but he couldn't help it- it was in his blood to respond to her. And even if he didn't like whatever had brought them together tonight he didn't think it was possible for him to not enjoy being with her. That wasn't just biology, it was heart. The same heart that had him pulling her closer when they finally finished, relief running through him when she relaxed, sated at last. But not okay. Between one second and the next her slowing breaths turned into a sob and then she was scrambling to put her mouth back on his.

"Tess-"

"No, I don't want to, I don't want to feel it." She cried, her lips pressing against his as she pushed herself closer, back to shaking, the force of trying to keep it all in.

God he hated that feeling.

Hated watching her break in his arms, even as he encouraged her to do so and after a few more heart wrenching seconds she did. Hard. Jay had never seen Tess cry this hard, great, heaving sobs that wracked her body, her fingers digging into him so tightly they broke skin but he didn't care. Especially when her tears stemmed enough for him to finally realize why she was so hurt.

He was just a little boy.

Fuck.

He'd seen a lot of fucked up shit during his time in the sandbox, things that he wouldn't ever be able to forgot no matter how he wanted to, how much he'd tried to make himself and he had tried. But nothing, no amount of blood or guts or dismembered body parts could ever be as awful as a hurt child. Or a dead one. Periodic glances at his alarm clock showed Tess sobbed for over an hour before she finally cried herself to sleep and even then it was a fitful one, her breaths hitching every couple seconds. He prayed it was just lingering unsteadiness, not any bad dreams torturing her in this moment she desperately needed to rest.

A soft creak had his head whipping towards his door, meeting his friends' worried stare with a look that had it deepening. He'd already covered her with the blanket but when Mouse crept over he tucked it closer around them, his eyes running over her as he crouched beside him before they met his.

"The team?"

It was a testament to their bond that Greg knew what he meant when he shook his head, having to work past the lump in his throat before he could give a proper answer. "She kept saying he was just a little boy."

"Fuck."

For a long minute the two men just stared at each other, an understanding Jay hated that they shared. That Tess did too now. And when Mouse shifted to sit against the side of the bed he sent up a silent prayer the two of them would be enough to get her through this.