Present Day
She'd done it on purpose.
Once Arlo had sent the information, the first half she'd gone back to Cam's, under the guise of wanting to keep to her schedule though all of them knew she just couldn't bear to be around them. And that night in the quiet space at the top of her waterslide where he found her after she'd crept out of bed Tess had told him she'd killed that many people on purpose.
It came back to a book, because of course it did, not one he knew, according to her not even one she liked very much but it had still stuck with her; the answer to life, the universe and everything was apparently forty-two. And eight months in, when her count was at twenty-seven she'd spotted a tourist reading it and had grabbed onto the reminder with both hands. Clung to it as something to keep her in check, a random, useless something that had no personal connection to her but he'd silently wondered if that was why it had worked. If it had needed to be something outside herself because everything else had been taken. Even holding back had taken from her, the sense of rage and justice that had driven her all her life, even the sense of mercy that he loved so much because she hadn't spared those people for their sake, or even her own. And it might be wrong but Jay wondered if she shouldn't have bothered. If the world would be a better place if those people were dead. It wasn't like they were good people, she had never killed innocents, never killed indiscriminately and if it weren't for what the weight of those forty-two lives was doing to her he'd tell her to go back and set the record straight. Balance the scales.
But they did weigh on her.
Forty-two lives.
It seemed like a lot, Tess sure felt so and he knew his team did too, even Voight and his count was probably around the same. But that was over his lifespan. Tess had done that in fifteen months. And maybe that was supposed to make him nervous or doubt her or even just want to try to make her better but it didn't. Maybe because he knew his own count.
According to the Army his confirmed number of kills was one hundred and forty-four, just six shy of Chris Kyle, the SEAL who still held the record but though Kyle was gone he and every other soldier knew that confirmed just meant the kills the military could admit to. It also didn't include how many people they killed in battles that were too messy to count, or how many they'd shot who'd got away in the moment only to die from their wounds later. If he took that into consideration his number was well above two hundred. Two forty? Two sixty? And if he included all the lives he'd taken as a cop it could easily be over three hundred.
Three hundred men he had killed and while it did give him some peace that they were all men, that he had killed them in battles he could comfortably say he had been on the right side of they were still marks on his soul. A weight that he too struggled to carry and yet it was such a small number compared to Tess. In fifteen years as an operative her number… her number could be over a thousand. But what was that the one that mattered?
"You alright?" Kevin asked quietly, waiting patiently as he shook his head and took a couple deep breaths to bring himself back to the operation in front of him.
"I want this over with."
"Well Arlo didn't seem like he wanted to piss Tess off so I'm sure this'll go smoothly." His partner said reassuringly and while Jay thought he was likely right it still didn't make him feel better. His next comment did though. "Plus I can guarantee she's having a good time with Mak."
He really hoped she was.
Kim and Adam had asked her to look after Makayla tonight since their regular babysitter wasn't available, though truthfully he wouldn't put it past them to have asked her to watch the little girl just to try to cheer her up. It wasn't like they needed both of them for this, really they were just here to make sure the Canadians Arlo had bought the weapons from didn't double cross him and even though Tess probably should be no one had wanted to push her when she said she didn't need to be. Certainly not Arlo or Clark. They'd taken his statement that she was otherwise occupied at face value but he'd still seen them sharing looks, like Kev had said clearly worried they'd pissed her off. But they hadn't.
No, all of his girls frustration was directly strictly at herself.
He really hoped she was having fun with Mak. And was focused on the little girl and not the imaginary children they were still accepting they wouldn't have.
He really wanted this over with.
Thankfully a whistle from Arlo told him it was go-time, but unfortunately for the tension he'd been hoping to release the trade went smoothly. A little too smoothly he couldn't help but think, unable to stop himself from wondering if it was because things had just naturally gone their way or if someone had made it that way. And then unable to stop himself from thinking if this was what it was like inside Tess's head. Thousands of scenarios with even more outcomes, always trying to navigate what was happening when and where and how and why. Except he'd seen how Cas worked so he knew this was exactly what it was like inside her head. No wonder she needed more gummies.
"See? Quick and easy, just like I promised." Arlo said after the weapons were loaded into his van and his Canadian counterparts had hopped back on their boat, to be intercepted shortly by the coast guard, with Voight, Hailey and Vanessa on hand in case they didn't surrender easily.
But again that didn't make him feel better and the arms dealers smile fell when he returned it with a glower. "Let's see if you do the same with the other information she asked you for."
"I keep my word." The man snapped back and Jay knew it was because Tess wasn't here that his smirk grew so cocky. "So does the merc."
"If you want to make me jealous maybe don't pick a guy who abandoned her."
"Didn't you?"
His team all tensed, so did Clark surprisingly but he seemed more frustrated this wasn't done yet but he ignored them all to focus on Arlo, enjoying his apprehension as he took a step towards him. "No. I didn't. I was right here, where she wanted me to be. But keep running your mouth and you'll see why she picked me."
Because that meant something.
A women like her wouldn't choose a man who couldn't keep up with her and just because none of them knew what he was capable of, himself included, didn't mean they wanted to find out.
"Pissing contests." Kim said wryly, raising her brows at them until Adam laughed and the tension started to dissipate, Arlo giving him a small nod that he didn't return, though he stopped glaring.
"She-" They all turned to Clark, the middle man shaking his head with a sigh before he looked at him. "People talk about her. A lot. A little less now that she's retired but since it turns out she's not they're probably be talking even more. What exactly are we supposed to listen for?"
That was a good question.
Probably one that Tess should answer but she wasn't here.
"If anyone is looking to take a shot at her, or just wants to see it happen-"
"Long list." Arlo mumbled but that looked like concern on his face so he let it go.
"Find out if anyone thinks they've gotten one over on her. No matter how small." He said quietly, holding the two men's stares when they looked to him in surprise; they knew that didn't happen often.
And judging by their growing dread anyone who could wasn't someone they wanted to be involved with.
They left quickly after that, somberly and for the first time tonight Jay felt a little better but it didn't last long. Just till he got to his truck and a hard vibration of his phone had him whipping it out of his pocket, the fear that filled him when he saw Kev, Adam and Kim do the same quickly replaced by horror and remorse.
They are uninjured, but Tess and Makayla were in an accident.
