Eight Years Ago

She couldn't get his face out of her fucking head.

She'd been trying to for three weeks, ever since she'd watched that sweet, smiling, innocent fucking face be blown up right in front of hers. Three weeks later she could still taste the dirt that had filled her mouth in the split second it had dropped open in shock and horror before the force of the explosion had knocked her back. Could still smell the smoke and ash and blood, still hear the terrified screams of the villagers, the agonized cries of his mother, the confusion of his siblings. Six years Tess had been an operative now, had seen and done things that kept her up at night, that she wouldn't ever be able to forget no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many times she told herself she shouldn't try. That those memories were the weight she had to bear for choosing to become one. But this…

This was the worst thing she had ever seen.

And it was all her fault.

Her friends' voices that it wasn't were drowned out by those screams, even the broken insistence from his mother, his aunt, the village elder that it had been a mistake, an accident, just a horrible twist of fate… They were all overshadowed by sweet, smiling face. That happy little laugh that kept ringing in her ears no matter how hard she tried to shut it up. And she tried. First by blasting her music so loud John had ripped her headphones off out of fear she was going to burst her eardrums, second only to the fear that she would not be able to hear an attacker sneaking up on her. That was the same reason Michael had given her a kind but stern talking to after he'd found her going to bed drunk for the third night in a row but none of the stories he or any of them had shared to try to pull her out of her grief and guilt had worked. So she'd done the only thing she could think of.

She went into herself. Not her safe place, not the cabin by the river Jay had given her for situations just like this because not only did she not want to sully it but when she'd tried she was just reminded of another little boy killed before his time. Not as violent a death but even more sick. And it just kept happening. The world was a fucked-up place and not only was it not getting any better it seemed to be getting worse. And she contributed to it and she didn't know how to handle that, how to push through the pain that was threatening to overwhelm her so she did the only thing she could, the only thing that had ever worked. She went into herself. Deep inside her mind where fists and feet, knives, car batteries and troughs of water had never, not once been able to reach her. To break her. It was different when the pain being inflicted on her was coming from her and Tess knew it was something she had to be careful with, felt a darkness in herself that would be oh so easy to fall into but so far she hadn't. But that didn't mean she was numb. Not entirely anyway, she looked fine on the outside, not normal based on the worried looks her team had kept giving her but functional, one part of her mind acting on autopilot. But the other part…

It was screaming.

And there was only one person who could quiet it, who could soothe the storm raging inside her.

She needed Jay.

From the moment their debrief at Langley had finished that was the only thought that would stay in her mind and the closer she got to him the louder and more desperate it became. She honestly couldn't recall how she'd gotten to Chicago, if she'd flown or driven here but it didn't matter because she was here now. Rushing up to their apartment and stumbling inside, ignoring Mouse's discerning look as she brushed past him, a brief moment of panic that the boy she needed might not be here. But he was and the moment she saw him she threw herself into his arms. Not letting go of what she'd been holding in but using him to push it further back.

Of course he was quick to realize what was happening, the man could read her better than a shift report but he held her much more gently. "Tess-"

"It's my turn." She rasped, the first words she'd said in… she didn't know how long. It didn't matter.

All that did was that he listened. That he let her take comfort in him the way he found it in her.

And he did. Jay hiked her up until her legs wrapped around his waist, his deliciously bare and warm waist and then the only thing she thought about was him. His mouth took hers with a fervour that made her throw herself even harder against him; a fire that finally matched her own. His touch didn't just drive out the darkness she was lost in, it made her want to live again. There was still a part of her that whispered it was wrong to find pleasure when she should be sad, especially this kind of pleasure, not just life for death but an act that could create it. But how else could you fight it?

Who better than a soldier?

The most honourable one?

And because he was he started off sweet, firm and heated but still sweet but he quickly gave her what she needed, a fire to match the one raging in her and fuck he was good at it. Jay liked being in control, not as the soldier but as the man, and not just the primal parts of him but the core of him. A protector yes but also a fighter. And with her? A hunter. Jay sought out what he wanted and took it thoroughly and for a blissful timeless eternity all she knew was blinding, building passion until finally it crested and there was nothing but peace. But with every flare of light there was a surge of darkness and this time she couldn't stop it from washing over her. From dragging her back into it. She tried, oh did Tess try but even as she pressed her lips back against his she knew it wasn't going to work. And Jay would only let her hide in him for so long.

The fucker just kept whispering it was okay, she could let it out, that he had her and as hard as she tried to fight him when he pulled her closer she broke. All the pain she'd been holding in came rushing out, a tsunami of grief that threatened to sweep her away and the only reason it didn't was because he'd been telling the truth. He had her. But it still beat the crap out of her, a storm she had no idea how to weather. How did you live in a world that had such cruelty? Where little kids were blown to pieces for the crime of playing?

He was just a little boy.