Eight Years Ago

These were the days he hated his job. Much as he loved it there were unfortunately lots of them, usually the ones where the bad guys got away, worse were the ones where he had to stand back and let it happen, which as the rookie was something that happened often. Letting others take the lead wasn't something he'd ever been good at but he was learning, biding his time until he could take the Detectives Exam and have the power to actually make cases stick.

But days like today?

Where he had to go in not because anything important was going on but simply because he had hours to fill? Time that would be much better spent making sure the woman he loved wasn't suffering alone in a bout of deep depression?

He fucking hated his job on days like this.

Even knowing she wouldn't actually be alone hadn't made it easier for Jay to leave her side this morning, nor were the updates Mouse had been sending him about once an hour. Probably because he still had the look she'd given him when she'd realized he was struggling burned into his fucking memory, not just sad or guilty but hopeless. But still she'd smiled, a pretty pathetic one but she'd done it, for him, absentmindedly patting his hand to reassure him that she would be okay. And he knew she would, Tess was the strongest person he'd ever met but that didn't mean she couldn't suffer. And from the updates Mouse had been giving him she was. After he'd left at six she'd stayed in his room until almost one, not exactly unusual but he sincerely doubted she'd been sleeping. Especially because after less than an hour with their friend she'd gone back in his room and hadn't come back out since.

He was just a little boy.

The images of all the kids he'd watched get killed flashed through his mind, too damn many to be acceptable, that amount was zero but that wasn't the way the world worked. And that was not an easy thing to come to grips with. It wasn't something anyone should but he didn't know how to function otherwise and for someone like Tess, who felt everything so deeply… This was not going to be an easy thing for her to process.

Holding back a sigh of frustration that he couldn't fix this for her he slipped into the apartment, waiting in the kitchen for Mouse; they'd learned the hard way how good her hearing was. "Any change?"

"None." The other man said with a subdued shake of his head. "Hasn't eaten all day. Or smoked."

Shit.

Tess didn't usually eat when she was upset but she did smoke. It had taken him a while to realize that wasn't her hiding from her pain but actually how she addressed it, so that she wasn't now was a bad sign.

"I'm torn on what to order for dinner. I don't want to get the wrong thing." Greg said quietly, a level of care that gave him a rush of appreciation for his friend.

They'd also learned not to go around Tess to find out what happened on her ops which meant they were left to wait until she told them and considering she'd once burst out crying when they'd ordered Indian after a bad op in Mumbai he understood his concerns.

"Let's go with sushi." He suggested, clapping him on the shoulder before he headed to his room. "All her favourites."

"Got it. I'll have it here in an hour."

An hour to get her to agree to eat. It could be easy, or it could be impossible. Just depended what stage of that process she was in. Holding back another sigh he followed the tug in his heart to his bedroom, confused for a moment when he didn't see her until it pointed him to his closet. His sweet girl. It hurt his heart to see her sitting in the small, cramped and dark space but he did like that she was surrounded by his things. Was even dressed in them.

"Hey pretty girl."

Tess just took a deep breath, her head tilting to the right as the corners of her mouth lifted in another sad smile. "Hey."

"You ready to come out of there?"

"Yeah." She answered with another deep breath, thankfully taking his hand though she just stared at his chest once she was out.

"You want a shower?"

Again she just nodded and though it killed him that she was in such pain he was glad she was letting him help her. But she was going to need a lot of it. The face she made when they got into the shower proved it, the same unimpressed look she gave every time he asked to turn the water to cold but it was muted, numbed, more instinct or habit than anything else. Plus the way she just let it hit her, no annoyed grumbles or dancing from foot to foot, no trying to use him to shield herself; she just kept her head on his chest, not just unmoving but near unblinking.

But she did it. And she got dressed in fresh clothes and followed him out into the living room, giving a long, heavy stare at Greg's bong before she joined him on the balcony, giving the same look to the food once it arrived. But she ate it. She may not want to do the things that would make her happy but she was. Of course that didn't stop it from hurting when she didn't laugh at any of the antics of Tom Cruise in whatever Mission Impossible movie they'd put on but he understood that it would take time. However long it had been since whatever had gone down, she'd spent that time numb, just trying to make it through, make it home.

Last night had been the un-numbing, today the quiet resignation that she was going to have to face it, whatever it was. And when the movie and food were done she did.

"We were in Cambodia." Tess said quietly, pulling her legs up against her chest where she sat against the couch.

That shouldn't have been enough to tell him what had happened but it was and a glance at Greg showed his friend was thinking the same thing, because Cambodia was known for one thing more than anything else.

Landmines.

He was just a little boy.

"His name… his name was Atith." She gave him a smile when he took her hand but nothing he did would stop the tears gathering in her eyes. "He was four."

Fuck.

Greg took her other hand and though he saw her give him a squeeze Jay knew it was instinctual, that she was back in her head, back in that moment. His own flashed through his mind, kids killed in the field, caught in the crosshairs or used as weapons themselves.

Or used as revenge.

"We were playing together. I was playing with him. Rolling this little ball back and forth but I pushed it too far and when he went to get it-" Her face crumpled and she pulled her hands away to cover it but they just moved closer, keeping her between them as she started to cry, not the same heaving sobs as last night but just as painful to listen to.

But Tess had gotten him through the three worst heartbreaks of his life and while he'd missed arguably the most important of hers he was determined to be there for the rest.


He fucking hated seeing her sad.

Tess had been doing a lot better this past week, she was talking with him about what had happened and how it made her feel, and with Greg and Lydia, and she'd been smoking and going for walks. And eating. And even though sometimes he knew she was forcing herself to do those things he didn't care because she was doing them. But she was still sad. He wasn't letting himself count how often he'd caught her zoning out, or almost worse, just staring out the window or balcony doors, fully aware of and in control of her thoughts but giving into them anyway. He of all people didn't get to judge how someone handled their trauma, not when he'd responded so poorly to his own. All Jay cared about was that he was giving her the same support she'd given him, which she'd told him he was.

But she was still sad.

And watching her stare into the closet, not with excitement or annoyance like she usually had when picking something to wear but blankly, like she didn't think she deserved to go out and have fun…

That broke his fucking heart.

"Girls and their clothes."

"Just like boys and their toys." She retorted, automatically but her hands grabbed his arms as he slipped them around her waist and her breaths evened out as her head slumped against his chest so he considered that a win.

But he needed to give her another.

As many as he could.

He ran a critical eye over her wardrobe, just as picky as her. Well, almost. But he knew what she liked, function and form, and had learned to be understanding of how clothes could make her feel so after a quick scan he pulled out one of his favourites, a silky white blouse she looked like an angel in.

"I've always liked this one on you."

"I guess that's why you bought it for me." She said wryly but her fingers were gentle as they toyed with the material.

It was. And he took great pride that it was unanimously agreed he had good taste. For women anyway.

Apparently his own was in question.

"At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, I like it when my girl looks good."

Tess snorted but when he turned her around her smile was soft and bright and that was all he cared about. "You think I look good in a pair of your shorts and a grease stained t-shirt."

"You do."

She rolled her eyes but there was still a hint of doubt in them, not to do with him but her own worthiness which hurt so much more so he gave her a sweet but firm kiss, relaxing when she melted into it. She was sad now but she would be okay. She just needed time. And he would give it to her. Just not when it came to making their reservation because it had not been easy to get.

Having one of the chefs as a C.I had helped, he'd busted him buying coke six months ago but considering where he worked, and that he was new to using and hadn't gotten addicted yet he'd figured it would be better to make him an informant. His time in the military had taught him that it was good to have friends from all walks of life. And Dixon had come through twice already, but most especially tonight because getting in at this restaurant wasn't easy and even though Tess didn't need the fancy things she definitely enjoyed them. And he enjoyed making her smile.

And god did she have a pretty one.

It was slow growing but it was getting bigger with every day and when she came out to the living room eight minutes later she took his breath away; all she was wearing were black pants, that white blouse and a brown leather jacket but she was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen. And the cherry on top was that she was also wearing the earrings he'd gotten for her, one of his best purchases since they'd come in some kind of mystery bag. Only five dollars. Her wry look told him she knew what he was thinking and with a grin of his own he pulled her into his side, keeping her tucked there as they headed to the restaurant. Thanks to her fleet of cabbies they had an easy drive there and he could see the weight that had been on her lifting off as she chatted with Serkan, the exact reason he wanted to get her out of the house.

To remind her that as dark as the world could be there so much light to be found, to be shared and spread.

Far more good than there was bad.

Which was why he got so angry when just after they'd ordered dessert her laugh quieted, her smile changing from naturally happy to the fake one. No one else could probably tell but they didn't know her like he did, didn't know that her eyes flicking from side to side were a clear sign that something had caught her attention. And not the girls but the operatives. Thankfully he'd brought his service weapon, not only did he like having it as a cop but after what had happened with the triad two years ago whenever they went out he made sure to have it on him. He was going to be prepared for whatever might come at them. But when Tess did finally look over her shoulder it wasn't fear or anger that flashed across her face but surprise, and sadness, and that put him even more on edge.

"Am I going to need my gun?"

"They're coworkers." She answered with a small shake of her head and he took that as a sign he could look them over, holding the stares of the man and woman who met his, smirking but not in a way that felt aggressive or even rude.

The third man barely looked at him, his attention locked firmly on Tess in a way that felt… sad?

And guilty.

"Same question. Who's the big one who won't stop looking at you?"

"Ian Munson." She explained and the only sign she was nervous were her perfectly measured breaths. "We were at The Farm together."

Oh.

As much as Tess loved to talk she'd shared very little about her time there; all he knew was she'd been the only woman in a group of eight and that her fellow recruits had not been happy that an outsider had 'skipped the line'. Something they and their instructors had made clear, from using her as a dummy during combat sessions to putting mayonnaise in her bed. She'd never directly said they'd targeted her physically outside of class but he wasn't an idiot.

"Do you want to leave?"

"Not until I've had my crème brulé." She said with a smile but her deep breath showed her discomfort so when the snobby waiter refilled her wine he made sure to shoot that man, Ian, a hard look to back off.

And he did.

Until they made to leave.

"Danvers." The female operative said as they passed them at the bar, still smirking though up close she seemed more kind. "Cynthia Chase. We haven't met but, well we all know your reputation."

Tess's lips quirked, making the same assessment he had before returning her nod. "What's yours?"

"A trigger happy loudmouth." The third man said, grinning when his teammate shook her head, not at all bothered despite her comeback.

"Asshole."

"You got a minute?"

That bothered him but while Tess seemed hesitant she stepped off to the side with him, after brushing her fingers against his which finally had him calming.

Mostly.

"And in the meantime you can tell us who you are." The woman, Cynthia, said to him with a waggle of her brows that he met with an unimpressed look; they may not be threats but after all the stories he'd heard he still didn't have a high opinion of any of her coworkers aside from her team.

"Jay."

"The Ranger." She said with a grin, cocking her head with a grin when he straightened. "She took you to Duncan's. Word gets around. Especially because you and your friend have gone without her."

For a gym used by operatives he should've known that.

Truth be told he had but running into them here had thrown him off.

"You're retired now right?" The guy asked and he looked him over to make sure the respect he thought he saw was real before he answered.

"Yeah. I'm CPD now."

They both nodded, no judgement which did surprise him but after returning their nod he turned his attention to Tess. She seemed okay, she wouldn't look otherwise around them but while he got the sense that she was confused by whatever conversation was happening it wasn't a bad one. And judging by the guilt he could, also surprisingly see on Ian's face it seemed to be one that needed to be had.

She was owed a lot of apologies by the agency.

A glance back at the two operatives beside him showed they knew that too and he gave them another nod before joining Tess as Ian walked over, the other man dipping his chin deeper than he would have expected.

He waited until they were out of sight before he slung his arm over her shoulder, brushing a kiss to her hair in response to the tension in her body. "You okay?"

She didn't respond beyond pushing closer and Jay had to hold back a sigh, sending up a silent prayer that they hadn't just undone all her hard work. And then another that whatever had transpired between her and Ian, now and in the past was something that he could help her with.