Present Day

She slept, not deeply but more soundly than he'd expected.

He did not.

Jay didn't even try to; sleep wasn't some precious thing to him, that would be her but considering he didn't doze off even once he knew it wouldn't have found him anyway. All he'd been able to do was think about Tess but not even in any way that gave him answers. No, he just thought about what she'd gone through, what she was still going through, how he was watching her get crushed right in front of him. And still she persevered. He only knew she'd woken because she grabbed her phone, with none of the sluggishness he'd been expecting which for some reason hurt just as badly as realizing that Kim and Adam had stayed home with Mak. It wasn't fair but he still felt frustrated with him. Yes Mak was their responsibility but Tess was his and the longer they were hurt the longer she would be.

The worse she would be.

"Let me go." She said evenly and he hadn't realized he'd grabbed her wrist when she'd sat up but he knew he couldn't do as she asked.

"Please talk to me."

"Please let me go." She repeated and a part of his mind told him to be careful of that please, the part that recognized she was close to her limit but it was ignored in favour of the determination that he would not abandon her again.

"Tess I know that you're upset. I know what happened last night was fucked up, I just want-"

"I have done what you want." She snapped and it felt like she'd stabbed him as she fiercely ripped her hand away, then again when he realized her voice was the same as it had been last night, quiet and hoarse but calm.

Steady.

Stating the facts that he'd ignored.

And she wasn't done.

"I made friends, I joined your team, I opened up so maybe now you can do what I want and give me some fucking space!"

He was so stunned he was still laying down as she stormed off and it wasn't until the shower turned on that he sat up, just enough to drop his head against his knees. He'd fucked up. Big time. Jay had been so focused on how good it made him feel to push her, to be right that he'd forgotten he didn't always know what she needed. So when the steam slowly filling the adjoining bathroom made him want to rush inside he forced himself to go the other way, backtracking just long enough to grab some clothes before he dressed in the living room and went to make coffee. With no idea if it was right or not he asked Cas to let him know when she'd started getting dressed and only then did he make her tea, shoving his hurt down so that she wouldn't be able to see it when she finally came out. Of course she knew he was upset and her side glances told him she felt bad about it- just not enough to talk to him. So he stayed quiet as they made their way to work, even when his own occasional glimpses showed him her sadness, while strong as ever, had joined with aggravation.

A deadly combo.

They came in through the back so they bypassed Platt but everyone had very obviously been waiting for them and as he came out of his office Jay wondered if he should've given his Sergeant a heads-up to not treat her with kid gloves.

"Hey-"

"No."

He gave his head a subtle shake when they all looked to him, shocked at her stern tone, especially when the older man rarely used that soft one but they quickly realized their mistake and turned back.

"You wanted to work with me, well that includes nice me and cunty me and today I'm a cunt." Tess said with a shrug and he didn't know whether to be concerned by her change of mood or grateful- it was better than her acting catatonic but she was still upset.

"Tess-"

"I said no." She repeated firmly. "Because I don't want to hear it. Because while I know you all mean well you don't understand, and you can't understand, and you're not going to say anything that I won't say to myself so everyone is just going to leave me the fuck alone today, okay?"

A pained silence filled the bullpen until his partner broke it, giving her a deep nod of understanding. "Copy that."

Her mocking salute cut each of them but they all let her walk away, down to the basement where she'd have the space she wanted.

And the darkness she was clearly yearning to sit in.

"Is there anything we can do?" Hailey asked quietly and while he hoped he was doing a good job of keeping himself together he knew they could all see just how much this was affecting him.

"No."

"She needs time." Voight added, not at all bothered by the way she'd spoken to him- he was used to it now. And as a father and a man used to blaming himself he understood. "Last night shook everyone. Once she sees no ones judging her she'll ease up."

Jay knew his Sergeant was right, this was a reaction based on fear and a need to protect herself, he just… he wasn't sure how right he was. Easing up was one thing but that wasn't going to stop her from hating herself.

And she was hating on herself.

She had been for a while, five fucking years and he had no idea how to get her to stop.

"It's a good thing though, right?" Vanessa made a face when they all turned to her before waving to where Tess had gone. "I mean she's never talked to us like that before so that's gotta be a step in the right direction."

"Come again?" Kev asked with the confusion they all felt, just the men rather because Hailey started slowly nodded.

"You only get mad at people you either don't care about or who you know will forgive you."

"Exactly. And since we know Tess cares about us I'm taking this a sign that she knows she can be a cunt and we'll still love her."

"Please don't use that word." He asked quietly but he gave Vanessa a grateful nod, then Kevin when he patted his arm before sitting back down, Voight and Hailey giving him similar reassuring looks before they all did the same.

Vanessa's comment didn't make him feel much better but it gave him hope and since that was all he had he clung to it. But when throughout the morning one by one they went down to check on her and one by one came back with pinched and admonished faces he knew he'd made another mistake. They all had.

Because she'd told them what she'd needed.

And they'd ignored her.

Again.

It was such a delicate fucking balance and every time he thought he was getting the hang of it he screwed up and felt like he was shoved back to square one. She was just… she was so different than how she used to be. And that was fine, Jay didn't care if she was smaller or bigger or more refined or more dangerous or whatever the fuck she was but what killed him was that she loathed what she was. She was trying not to, he saw how hard she was working to make peace with what she'd done and who she'd become, how hard she was trying to believe him when he told her she deserved to start again but every time she started to feel better life came in and knocked her back down. And he didn't know what to do to help her.

He texted Vivienne to get her take, after five years of silence he was doing his best to keep the lines of communication open, not just for Tess's sake but for their own friendship but when the redhead didn't respond he tucked his phone away. The last thing they needed was for him to distract her on an op and get her hurt. Or worse.

"Hey."

He startled, spilling coffee on himself in the process and looked up in time to see Hailey making a face as she passed over some paper towels.

"Sorry."

"It's fine." He said with a wave, it was an old pot anyway so he popped his mug in the microwave before he looked his old partner over. "What's up?"

She just tilted her head and he was hit with two waves, one of regret for all their friendship had gone through in the last year and one of gratitude that they'd survived. "You want to talk about it?"

"You sure?"

"You talked to me about Adam." Hailey answered with a shrug and since he had, awkward as it had been since he'd been starting to think his feelings for her were becoming less platonic Jay took his coffee and followed her over to the table.

"I don't really know what to say. I don't know what to do."

"This isn't just about what happened last night, is it?"

"No." He answered slowly, the worry in her gaze a comfort and a pain.

"Is it the hack?"

"No. I mean, nothing new has popped up, it's just… it's all of it. She's-" His throat locked up at the mental images that began assaulting him, so much worse than they'd started out as but his former partner was patient. And understanding. "She's drowning. And I got no idea how to pull her up."

"Yeah you do Jay. You've been doing it, and you'll keep doing it. Voight was right, she just needs time."

"It's been a year."

"Out of five." She replied softly but the rebuke was clear. "Take it from someone who knows. It takes just as long to heal from the hurt as it lasted. Usually more."

It was different, drastically but he couldn't deny Hailey knew what she was talking about. And he knew what she was saying was true and as impatient as he could be it wasn't the wait that bothered him. It was watching her drown. But she was right, he just had to keep doing what he was. He'd made a mistake this time, had pushed when he should have retreated but beating himself up about it wasn't going to help. He just had to be more careful next time. He gave her a smile, hit with another wave of gratitude when she returned it easily but his eyes quickly shot over her shoulder when he saw Kim and Adam making their way up the stairs.

With Mak.

"What're you doing here?" He asked as the little girl rushed to do a secret handshake with Kevin.

"We came to see Tess." Kim said softly, a guilt that was only soothed a little when Adam ran his hand down her back.

But before he could respond Makayla was at his feet, looking up at him expectantly. "Is Tess here?"

Please God let this help.

"Yeah, she's-"

Before he could finish she was coming around the corner, trailing behind Platt who stepped aside in time for her face to go slack as the kid rushed her. "Tess!"

Her eyes softened as she crashed into her legs, even more as she looked at Adam and Kim, her shoulders shrinking as she took in their clear forgiveness, a little more as she looked at the rest of them. Easing up, just like Voight said. Needing time, like Hailey had. But when she stayed in the shadows Jay knew she needed something more.

He just wasn't sure what.