Eight Years Ago

Sometimes she really hated the world.

Not normally, since she was a kid she had based her morals on the incredibly strict considering she had such little experience belief that more often than not people were good. Yes they could be greedy and apathetic and even downright cruel but her parents had taught her that only unhappy people made other people unhappy and they didn't do that unless something was wrong with or missing from their life. Her mother had been particularly big on treating everyone with respect regardless of their background or own personal beliefs but her dad… he'd always focused on the importance of being able to read people, knowing that just because someone might seem bad didn't mean they actually were, just like someone seeming good might not be. They were lessons she'd taken to heart, ones that had served her well all her life but especially since becoming an operative. But now she couldn't help but compare them to herself.

Was she really a good person?

Did it matter how noble her intentions were if the results of her actions were so catastrophic? If it didn't then who did that make her?

What did that make her?

Right now it made her someone who really hated the world. Tess still knew there was good in it, not just in the big things like resistance against dictatorial regimes and human rights missions and the fucking slow and not all that steady progress towards more democratic legislation. It was also in the little things. In people who held the door open for the person behind them and who paid for someone else's drive-thru order, lending a hand in the grocery store or sharing smiles on the subway. There was good in the world.

There was just also a whole lot of bad. And right now, at least in her head it was winning. And she had to let it. If she was going to do what she did she had to be able to look it in the eye, no matter how it hurt her.

Or anyone else.

She'd woken as soon as Jay started pulling himself away from her, because he was the only source of peace she had but when she saw the guilt in his eyes she knew she had to let him go. He had a decent amount of furlough built up, because he was horrible at taking time off and usually only did for her. But it wasn't fair to keep putting the responsibility of fixing her on him. Especially when some things couldn't be fixed. So she'd given him as good a smile as she could, his answering wince telling her it had sucked but he'd left for work so at least it hadn't been a total failure. Of course she hadn't been able to get out of bed until the third time Greg had checked on her and only because she was trying not to hurt him either. She had, she'd caught his quiet, somber breaths when she refused to eat, and to smoke, seen how his face had fallen when she'd quickly slunk back to her room. Jay's room. It wasn't that big, and it definitely wasn't very cluttered but standing in it had made her feel like it was going to cave in and swallow her up so she'd crawled into his closet instead.

The first time she'd done this had been almost two years ago, after an op had gone badly. Really badly, breaking her spirit not the same way this one had but just as deeply. Tess had told him it was because being in the small, dark space helped to calm her mind and it did, as a little kid she'd used to love hiding in her closet but she'd quickly grown out of it. What helped her more than anything was that it was Jay's closet, his things around her, on her, his chocolate and moss scent that kept her breaths even. They didn't push back the dark thoughts in her mind but it was a lot easier to face with these pieces of his beside her.

The next time the door opened she knew it was him, she knew his footsteps as well as her own heartbeat, as familiar as his sad smile when he saw her, already crouched to her level. "Hey pretty girl."

"Hey."

"You ready to come out of there?" He asked gently and she knew if she said no he wouldn't push it, might even climb in beside her.

But she couldn't stand the thought of dragging him into her darkness.

"Yeah."

With a small nod he held out his hand and helped her stand, the other automatically running down her hair. "You want a shower?"

Not really, but this was the next step.

So she showered, or let him shower her, let Mouse pack her a couple bowls, let both of them ply her with a ridiculous amount of food. Neither pushed her to talk and she knew they wouldn't, not for a while but what was the point? This was the cycle. Love, fight, ache, retreat.

And repeat.

"We were in Cambodia." She began once there was nothing left to distract them, knowing that was all the information they would need to know what happened, proved when they both sucked in quiet breaths.

The country had a lot of things it could and should be known for but there was one people knew more than any of the others.

The roughly half a dozen landmines that still littered the countryside after their civil war.

As if humans didn't have enough ways to kill each other.

"His name… his name was Atith." Tess continued, nearly choking as that smiling face popped back into her mind's eye.

Such a bright, beautiful smile she promised herself that no matter how painful it was she wouldn't ever let herself forget it.

"He was four. We were playing together. I was playing with him." She amended, a correction no one else would care about. But she did. "Rolling this little ball back and forth but I pushed it too far and when he went to get it-"

The memory of his happy, wobbly little toddle as he ran after it did choke her this time and when it was immediately followed by the split second she'd watched him be blown apart it became too much for her to take. She only realized Jay and Greg had been holding her hands when she pulled away to bury her face in them, unable to keep herself together any longer. It wasn't like she needed to, she knew they both knew this pain, more intimately than she did which just made her cry harder. She didn't know how to live in a world where such pain existed, where children could be killed for the simple act of playing.

Of existing.

Tess didn't know how to make peace with that and truthfully she didn't want to; she wanted to burn those parts of the world to the fucking ground. If anyone was going to be able to, it was her. But as good as that intention was she knew she wouldn't be able to do it without more death and that wasn't something she could handle. So she had to take it, had to tuck all that pain into a corner of her heart and use it to keep her going, adding it to the fire inside her instead of allowing it to burn her out. It was all part of the cycle.

Love, fight, ache, retreat.

And repeat.


This was stupid. Everything that was going on in the world, which she was doing her best not to think too deeply about, and here she was struggling to pick something to wear to dinner. But that was what she was supposed to do. Find not just comfort but joy in the ordinary and mundane so that her cup was full the next time life knocked it off the counter.

"Girls and their clothes." Jay said as he stepped up behind and even though she couldn't see his face with how he pressed his cheek to the top of her head she knew from his teasing tone the exact smile he was making.

A week after coming home it was still hard to return but she did her best.

"Just like boys and their toys."

He just huffed and pressed a kiss to her hair, quiet for a moment before he reached beyond her and pulled out a white silk blouse. "I've always liked this one on you."

"I guess that's why you bought it for me."

"At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, I like it when my girl looks good."

"You think I look good in a pair of your shorts and a grease stained t-shirt."

"You do." He said definitively, pulling away from her just enough so he could turn her around without squishing the top between them and for a second he just stared at her and she hated that she was the cause of sadness in his eyes.

But she liked when he kissed her.

Tess soaked it up, and his smirk when he told her he'd wait in the living room. He'd apparently called in some favours to get them a table at a fancy restaurant downtown, another attempt to get her out of the house and back into the land of the living. All part of the cycle. She still ran her fingers over the blouse before putting it on, he would pick white and when he held her gaze when she came out she realized it had been intentional. Jay was… pretty bad when it came to verbally expressing how he felt but damn was the boy good at showing it.

He made her believe it.

"Nice earrings." He said with another cheeky grin as he passed over her boots, he'd gotten them for her too, from one of those little five dollar mystery bags but they were surprisingly cute.

And she loved his smile whenever she wore them.

With a wave to Mouse and a promise to bring him back food they left, chatting with Serkan on their way to the restaurant, which as promised was fancy. Not overly so, some of the places their targets went to were wild, hers and his but while she'd grown used to the opulence Jay hadn't. Pat was a natural tightwad and that was something he'd inherited from his father, along with the discomfort with communication. And just general vulnerability.

But for her he'd do it.

Even if he did make a face at the waiter when he turned his nose up after he'd mispronounced one of the wines.

It wasn't the outing, or any of the others that were making her feel better so much as it was him, his constant and staunch belief that she would be okay. That she was good, not just in a general sense but in her core. It was still something she wondered about but Tess told herself that the day she stopped having those conversations was the day something would really be wrong and as long as she had him to talk to that day was a long way off. So she focused on this one, using his smiles and the brushes of his thumb over her hand or his foot against hers to keep her in this moment, for the first time in a month truly enjoying herself- until she felt it. They'd just ordered dessert when she felt someone staring at her, several people her instincts told her but one more intently than they others. She had to wait until a noise behind her gave her an excuse to glance back over her shoulder and her blood went cold as soon as she saw who it was.

Of all the people to run into…

"Am I going to need my gun?" Jay asked quietly, his brow raising when she looked back at him.

"They're coworkers."

"Same question." He replied seriously, looking the group of operatives over subtly but critically. "Who's the big one who won't stop looking at you?"

"Ian Munson. We were at The Farm together."

Now his brows shot up, before they furrowed, jumping straight from interest to anger; she didn't talk about her time at the training facility often. Or ever. It wasn't the worst thing she'd ever gone through but she still preferred to leave that time in the past.

"Do you want to leave?"

"Not until I've had my crème brulé."

Jay smiled and pressed his foot against her, motioning for another glass of wine even as his eyes met the man's behind her, hard but curious.

And extremely protective when they went to leave and the group waiting at the bar blocked their path.

"Danvers." The woman in the middle said with a grin, cocky but not unkind. "Cynthia Chase. We haven't met but, well we all know your reputation."

"What's yours?"

The man on her other side snorted and even though she also didn't know him she recognized his drawl as that of a friend. "A trigger happy loudmouth."

"Asshole." She responded but Tess was paying more attention to Ian, his own locked on hers.

Somberly which threw her off.

"You got a minute?" He asked quietly, looking to Jay when he straightened. "We'll be in eyesight."

"And in the meantime you can tell us who you are." Cynthia said with clear interest but he ignored her until she nodded her okay, though she felt his stare as they stepped a few feet off to the side.

She really doubted this was going to go sideways but it was still a comfort to know he had her back.

"He on your team?" Ian asked, looking at her not with the blank stare she was used to but genuine interest.

"He's my… partner. You guys working?"

He shook his head but his gaze softened when it slipped to the others. "Nah. Aaron's a foodie so whenever we're on leave we go around and try whatever he tells us is good."

"It's just the three of you?" She asked, trying to merge the man in front of her with the one in her memories. Ian had been far from the worst of her fellow recruits but that hadn't meant he'd been kind and even though it had been six years since they'd seen each other she was keeping her guard up.

"We had a fourth but… we lost her." Empathy automatically rushed through her but the rough hint to his voice made it deeper, especially when he gave her an understanding look. "I hear you guys lost someone too?"

Luke's smiling face popped into her mind, and even though it wasn't at all related Atith's did too and when she answered she knew her own voice had changed. "Yeah. We did."

People might think that because there were less than a hundred operatives in the SOG that meant they all knew each other but it couldn't be further from the truth. Mostly because they were all always out on ops which almost never overlapped, but also because she was pretty sure the agency did their best to keep them apart, a rule most seemed fine with following.

So why wasn't he?

"What do you want Ian?"

"To apologize." He said quietly and Tess would've given anything to look away but since he didn't she couldn't. She wouldn't, him and the others had gotten enough satisfaction out of seeing her fall but the longer she held his stare the more clearly she could see that he truly meant it.

"Why now?"

"Because you never should've been treated the way you were and I knew that, but I didn't do anything."

"You did when it mattered."

Now he was the one who looked away, his jaw ticking with frustration. "Too little too late."

Why are any of you surprised?

You made me a doll- did you really think no one was going to try to play rough?

"Not to me." She said softly, breathing out the anger that had built up in her the moment she'd seen him, trading it for appreciation at his remorse. "What's done is done. As long as you speak up and step in now I've got no issues."

"I do." He said with a serious nod and when his eyes flicked back to Cynthia she let herself smile, still surprised when he held out his hand but she took it.

"See you around Danvers!" Cynthia called out, her and Aaron giving deeper than expected nods as she and Jay finally walked out.

"You okay?" He asked quietly once they were out of sight, his arm a comforting weight around her shoulders, as tangible as his chocolatey scent.

She wanted to say yes, despite the surprise of seeing them, and of Ian's apology there wasn't anything about that conversation that had gone badly but as nice a moment as it had been it had sent her mind spinning, so many directions it was hard to keep track. So she didn't try. She just reached up and took Jay's hand, grateful when he gave a gentle squeeze and pressed another kiss to her hair, his touch pushing back the guilt that wanted to rise from feeling like she'd ruined their night out. Whenever she figured out the mess inside her head he would be ready to listen.

And if she let him, he'd probably do it faster.