Present Day
Today was her day to be with Intelligence.
Because being her she'd come up with a schedule to try and make things easier on everyone instead of just popping in and out on a whim. Her whims.
Like taking a little girl out to get ice cream.
Grabbing her phone to check on Mak she realized Kim had kept her home from school, and had stayed home herself, along with Adam. Good. They should be together today. Be a family because whatever anyone said they'd come close to losing one of them last night. The most precious one. It made her own parents deaths feel hollow, the whole word felt like she was alone in an echo chamber but even when a gentle hand on her wrist reminded her she wasn't she could find no peace in it.
"Let me go."
"Please talk to me." Jay said quietly but just like last night she couldn't bring herself to look at him.
"Please let me go."
"Tess I know that you're upset. I know what happened last night was fucked up, I just want-"
"I have done what you want."
She was such a bitch.
That didn't stop her, it actually fueled her, as did his look of hurt when she snatched her hand away. "I made friends, I joined your team, I opened up so maybe now you can do what I want and give me some fucking space!"
The shame on his face was too much and she stormed into the bathroom and before she knew it she'd picked up a bottle of perfume but her body stopped her before she could throw it. There was no way he'd leave her alone if she started breaking shit. It wasn't the first time but she got the strongest wave of longing that she hadn't come home, that she'd just gone to Victoria and hidden away on her island from all the pain that was suffocating her now.
She couldn't breathe.
As it always did the searing heat of the shower did the trick and she quickly slumped against the tiles, but stayed facing the glass so she'd know if he came in. But he didn't, not even as steam filled the room. And he wasn't in the bedroom when she came out twenty minutes later, the hell with being late, but he was in the kitchen, dressed and just finishing up pouring a black coffee and a sugary tea into their to-go cups. This time he was the one who didn't look at her and distantly she wondered if he was mad, she'd prefer that but his locked jaw told her he'd gotten the message. He would wait for her to talk but unfortunately for everyone the grip that had been on her throat since last night was gone now.
"Hey-"
"No." She said to Voight when he came out of his office to greet him, the older man's brows rising with everyone else's. "You wanted to work with me, well that includes nice me and cunty me and today I'm a cunt."
"Tess-"
"I said no. Because I don't want to hear it. Because while I know you all mean well you don't understand, and you can't understand, and you're not going to say anything that I won't say to myself so everyone is just going to leave me the fuck alone today, okay?"
"Copy that." Kevin said quietly and Tess gave him a mocking salute before making her way to the basement.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Cunt.
She was well aware she was fucked up.
That was what life did and the second she'd lost her parents that journey had begun in earnest but losing her aunt… when she'd found out Lydia had been murdered something inside her had just shut off. A flip that had taken her years to switch back on. To force herself to. And she had. She still didn't entirely understand how, she knew some of the moments that had contributed, ones of love with her family and new beginnings with new friends, finding peace with foes and forging alliances with strangers, beating down a person or a system that really deserved it. Those had all been sweet and fun and painful and they had made her want to keep going but they hadn't made the difference. There was surviving and there was living and there was thriving.
She was not doing the latter but the moments that had made her want to try, had pushed her to turn that switch back on, maybe not all the way but close…
Those had been her lowest.
When she'd not just stopped caring but stopped fighting.
Death was something she was well acquainted with and she'd had a lot of close calls, countless occasions where she'd expected it to take her, had wanted it to but it never had. Not even when she'd intended for it. And those two moments where she had literally clawed her way to the surface, they were what had made her want to live. They were the voices in her head right now telling her she was being a bitch. And despite hearing them loud and clear Tess couldn't stop herself.
It seemed just her fucking luck that Intelligence was having a slow day because that meant in the four hours she'd been here she'd had shit all to do. There were always things to keep her busy, like reviewing the officers who'd been put on administrative leave and ensuring that those who deserved to return received the training they needed from outside organizations who could give it impartially. And ensuring those who didn't were still dealt with fairly. Helping Sam to choose those organizations and planting seeds, or thorns in the minds of her fellow officers in the ivory tower on why this work was so important. Shutting up anyone who suggested that if they wanted to clean up the department they should start with Hank Voight. He really did have a similar reputation to her. He'd come down to check on her, everyone but Jay had, and Hailey which she appreciated; they still hadn't had their 'talk' yet but they respected each other and had even come to enjoy one another so that was enough for her. Just, not enough to make her want to talk. She'd listened, to Voight, to Kevin, to Vanessa, let them tell her they understood what she'd done, that Kim and Adam would too with some time, that she didn't need to blame herself. And then she'd thanked them for their kind but meaningless platitudes and sent them on their way.
Bitch.
Cunt.
Broken.
A door opened in the distance and she confirmed the footsteps were heading her way, decisively, before taking a deep breath. "I was wondering when you'd swing by."
"It's my district Princess Sparkles, I go where I want."
"Princess… Sparkles?" She asked as she turned around to face Trudy, the older woman matching her raised brows.
"It was going to be Princess Pastry."
That got a snort of laughter but then she went from imagining a sparkler to a firework to an inferno and whatever good mood she'd been inching towards vanished.
"Maybe it should be Princess Pouty." Trudy said dryly, but followed with a look that told her she would give as good as she got.
But Tess didn't want to fight.
She just wanted to be left alone.
"Say what you're going to say then Sunshine."
"I've got nothing to say." The Sergeant said with a shrug but she came further in, resting against the table to her left; not blocking her but close enough she'd need to look her in the eye if she wanted to leave. "Seems like you're the one who needs to get something off your chest."
Please talk to me.
She should. That was the advice she gave to others, it would be hypocritical of her to not take it herself. And even though she didn't really know Trudy that well… She did. She knew her heart, not just as someone who believed in the fight but as a woman… a woman who hadn't let her desire to not have children stop her from being a mother.
Lydia would have loved her.
"Do you remember the moment you realized you would never be a civilian again?"
She made a noise of understanding and it was an act of will but Tess made herself look at her, taking in the nostalgia on her face when she nodded. "I was a couple months on the force- I realized I kept profiling everyone in the grocery store. Still do but I'm more accurate now. So last night made you feel like you'll never be a civilian?"
"I stopped being a civilian when I realized I could topple banks and governments with my keyboard."
"Does that mean you can get me free tv subscriptions?"
That pulled another snort out of her. "Consider it done."
"And you?"
"I have all the subscriptions my heart desires."
"Funny." Trudy said dryly but her gaze was as piercing as ever. "You're going to let one bad night make you feel like you can't be normal?"
"I made my peace with not being normal a long time ago."
"Listen-"
"You don't get it." Tess snapped, giving the older woman a disappointed look. "All of your kills have been in the line of duty. They've been honourable, if occasionally messy."
"And yours haven't been? The agency-"
"The agency used me as an assassin and a whore. And I did the same to myself." She said firmly and though she still felt the shame she also got a rush of vindication when Trudy had to take a moment to take that in. "You don't know what that feels like. So you don't know what it makes me."
This time was the Sergeant was the one who snorted and she couldn't help but feel offended.
And then called out.
"Let me guess, you think it makes you some kind of monster? Something less than human?"
That was how it felt.
And by the way her face softened Trudy knew that, and was trying to be understanding just… in her own way. "Get up."
"Excuse me?"
"I didn't just come down here for you Sparkles." She said with a smirk and though part of her wanted to stay alone she gave into the other parts that wanted to follow her crooked finger, all the way back to the bullpen where her heart gave a painful tug.
"Tess!" Makayla cried as she came rushing over, so fast she could only bow over her as the girls arms wrapped around her legs.
"Hey you. What- what are you doing here?"
She started telling her all about how Kim had suggested they come by, how she'd made her stay home from school which she liked because she didn't have to see Mr. Taylor but how she was getting a lot of hugs but though Tess listened she couldn't stop her eyes from going back to Kim. Her mother, her friend who was looking at her with that same understanding. And complete forgiveness. As was Adam, and Kevin and Vanessa, Hailey and Voight, all actually looking pleased that she'd been rude to them. And Jay… his forgiveness had never been in doubt but when his eyes finally met hers it eased the pain in her heart.
And even though Makayla's babbles about how tomorrow she would tell all her friends about their epic adventure and how she couldn't wait for the next time she baby-sat brought it back Tess breathed though it.
Maybe she was a monster.
But hadn't her father taught her they had friends too? That being scary and ugly didn't mean they couldn't also be good?
Couldn't she be that kind?
