"Hey you. How you been?"
"Hey Stella. How's the night going?"
The lieutenant/bartender definitely noticed that she didn't answer her question, it had been a week since the accident and Tess still didn't have the energy to lie, because her response was still not great, but thankfully she didn't call her out. "Not bad so far."
"Unless we're about to get hit with a bunch of rowdy coppers." Hermann added with a grin from down the bar.
"Coppers, yes. Rowdy, I don't think so."
"I've seen how Ruzek and Atwater can get." Mouch countered from his spot in front of his friend which had all of them smirking.
"Rum and coke?"
That was her usual but her urge tonight was to order a double, and then a few more and since she was trying to contain her destructive urges she shook her head. "How about a glass of red? I'll pay up front to have you open one of the nice bottles."
"Deal!" Hermann said while pointing firmly at Stella, either an inside reference or just how they were with each other, she wasn't sure; she was on a friendly basis with everyone at 51 but they didn't interact outside of Molly's.
Didn't interact much here either aside from swapping a few stories, and the… unfortunate situation that had occurred between Jay and Vivienne. And Stella and Hermann and Tess was pretty sure that plus the accident last week was why both were keeping such a close eye on her. It was sweet. And needed.
But it still made a big piece of her feel like shit.
"How's Mak doing?" Stella asked as she poured her glass while Hermann and Mouch pretended, badly, like they weren't listening.
"Oh she's fine. Still hyped about it."
"Well it was an impressive thing you did."
"My car did all the work."
Stella nodded, she could clearly tell she didn't want to talk about it but when her eyes flicked behind her, just off to the side where Kelly was sitting with his squad she knew they had more questions. "And that's normal? For… contractors?"
Well that hesitation made it clear they'd begun doubting her cover but even then… No. It wasn't exactly uncommon but normal…
"It is for me." She said with what was even to her a forced smile but when the other woman's eyes flickered with guilt she automatically pushed to her feet. "The others should be here soon so I'm going to grab a table before it gets busy."
"Of course. Let me know when you want a refill."
With another smile and nod she made her way to a table in the back and she couldn't tell if it was cowardly or smart but she sat with her back to all of them. The desire to not speak made her sip the wine but it warred against the urge to knock it back as thoughts of what was normal started slowly but surely assaulting her; it wasn't usually a word she had issue with, it was all relative after all but that was the problem. Growing up with an IQ near Einsteins had meant her version of ordinary, average and typical had always been skewed, which was maybe why it hadn't bothered her so much when she hadn't fit in with the other operatives. And after time she'd fit in enough and when everything had changed what she'd lost with the agency she'd found with others like her, not quite on the same level but close enough that she hadn't felt so alone. So isolated. But now…
As grateful as she was to be home it was like death by a thousand cuts, every day a reminder that she was so far from normal it was laughable. There was no one like her, no one who understand and she loved all the people who were trying but their efforts just drove the knives further in. She was on her own.
She would always be on her own.
Death would've been easier.
The agony that thought gave her, the yearning to know if it was really true or just those horrible voices in her head, the fact that she didn't know hit her like another knife but then she realized that pain was real. She'd crushed her wineglass. And it wasn't the blood and liquid on her hand but on her lips that threw her back.
She didn't understand how he'd gotten in.
It didn't matter now but she would have to figure it out later. If she had a later. Because he really might kill her.
This was what he did after all.
They'd made her an offer, months ago, a few or many she didn't remember but they'd said that if she wanted to go on a killing spree they would let her. So long as she allowed them to direct her. What had possessed them to think she would accept she didn't know but now she was wondering if this was why. If they'd known she'd turn them down and had used it as the final nail in her coffin because he didn't go anywhere they didn't tell him to. And right now he was on top of her trying to drive a knife through her throat. Or her eye, he'd take what he could get, whatever allowed him to finish the job. Did her eyes look like this when she was killing someone?
So… dead?
She gritted her teeth as the blade bit into her palms, already cut and bruised from the fight that had gotten them here but still his eyes stayed blank as he pushed it closer. No victory or vindication, no remorse or disgust. Just death.
Her death.
Death is your gift.
With a scream of acceptance and defiance she jerked her hands to the right before letting go and as he dropped as the knife slammed into her clavicle Tess surged up and sank her teeth into his throat.
"HEY!"
The shout wasn't so much loud as it was sharp, a little angry but more scared and it startled her back into herself, just in time to see Kelly pulling Stella into him. No, not into him. Behind him. Her heart cleaved in two when her eyes traveled down and found the other woman gripping her wrist, instantly understanding what she had done. What she was, in her very core, whether she wanted to be or not. A threat.
A monster.
"It's okay, I'm fine. Kelly." Stella tried to nudge her boyfriend away but even though his gaze filled with remorse he didn't move. "Tess, it's fine-"
It wasn't though.
How could it be?
With a firm shove Stella pushed out of his grasp and stepped towards her and it was half her own fear and half the other woman's understanding that had her turning around and booking it. They tried to chase past her but once she'd run into and out of the back door she was gone, letting her feet and those awful fucking instincts lead her as far away as possible. Until she couldn't hurt anyone else. Because she was a monster and if she tried to be a good one…
Monsters had claws.
It was fading. Had been for a long time now, the ink was a decade old after all but she'd never wanted to get it touched up, following some inane desire to keep it exactly as it was. But time didn't work like that. Nothing stayed the same and now it was faded and worn. Just like her.
But what about what it signified?
However it looked, had what it meant changed?
Not to her.
Her thumb brushed over the flashlight inked on the side of her right wrist over and over as she closely as inspected it, like the answers she was looking for were right there and she'd just somehow never seen them before. But she'd spent a lot of time staring at this tattoo the last five years so she knew that wasn't true. She'd broken a man's arm once because he'd threatened to burn it off. He'd threatened to burn all her tattoos off but she hadn't lost it until he'd pointed to this one. That was always how it went. However shrouded in the darkness she was, however dim its light it always called her back to home. Back to Jay. He was her home, her light and as guilty and as tainted as that made her feel… she was grateful for it. Even monsters needed friends. As a kid she'd thought there wouldn't be any if everyone just got the love they needed but now she wasn't sure. Now she knew love was just as effective at turning people into beasts. But not Jay. Never him.
He was on his way, or would be soon. She'd gone to Molly's from Cam's so she'd been maybe an hour ahead of them and once he got there and talked to Stella and Kelly… He would come. And he'd fix her, starting with her hand. Tess could have done it herself, was going to but once her car had picked her up her priority had been shoving a shit load of gummies into her mouth, desperate to quiet the chaos inside her head. She didn't often have full silence but she'd taken enough that the steady, screaming stream had slowed to just one thought at a time, drifting from one to the next rather than being shoved or pulled or cajoled or smacked in the face.
She got hit a lot.
A tiny chirp caught her attention and she turned to look at Aelin, she fucking loved this cat, she was so fucking smart, like how her green eyes blinked at her before she chirped again, turning her head until Tess followed it.
He was here.
The man who fixed everything.
"I don't know what to bring them. What kind of baked good says I'm sorry for grabbing you like a startled animal?"
He just blinked, his chest rising with a deep breath before he let it out slowly, immediately getting out the first aid kit before he made his way over, taking out everything he'd need before gently picking up her hand and finally meeting her eye. "You are not an animal."
"I am."
"Tess-"
"Species: Homo Sapiens. Genus: Homo. Family: Hominidae. Order: Primates. Class: Mammalia. Phylum: Chordata. Kingdom: Animalia."
Another heavy breath, almost amused until it turned into a sad sigh. "Okay. You are an animal. We are all animals."
That was the easiest way to look at it.
No gods, no heavens, no hells, no demons or angels or monsters.
Just a bunch of animals.
"Does a lion feel bad about killing a gazelle?" He asked her quietly, the soft baritone of his voice a welcome relief after the silence.
"No. But some people try to make the lion feel bad because the gazelle is cute and helpless. And dolphins should feel bad because as much as I still love them they do a lot of fucked up shit."
Jay closed his eyes and choked back a strangled laugh, shaking his head before he reviewed her now bandaged hand, always so gentle as he held it in his big ones. "If you still love dolphins can you still love yourself?"
Fuck he looked sad.
So sad and so in love, so full of love, of light.
Jay was so good.
"You're good too." He whispered, so desperate for her to believe him and she wanted to, she really did. He just didn't understand the full picture.
"I'm a good monster."
"Tess-"
"I ripped a guy's throat out with my teeth."
There was the horror.
She had told him a lot about what she'd gone through but only half of what she'd done and she'd been careful about the half she'd shared. Afraid of this look but needing to see it at the same time. To know once and for all if he could stomach it.
It was one thing to know the lion needed to eat and another to watch it.
"That's what I was thinking of tonight. The agency sent him to kill me, and he almost did, but at the last second I saw a chance and I took it. Like an animal. A monster. A thing."
Her brain took her away again, thinking about what it meant to be each of those things, how she could hurt but also how she could help and whether any of it balanced the scales. If there was some kind of cosmic system or if it really was all in their little primate brains. It wasn't until she felt hands on her that she went back to looking at Jay, even sad he was always so fucking handsome, so gentle as he sat her up and held her in his arms.
If anyone could fix her, it would be him.
