Eight Years Ago

Tess didn't know why this was bothering her so much. Why Ian's face, both as he'd been tonight and as he'd been six years ago kept overlapping with Atith's, but what she did know was that her silence was bothering Jay. His touch was something she knew intimately, better than her own never mind anyone else's so she'd noticed when it had gone from comfort as they waited for JoJo to pick them up to relief when they'd started conversing, to sadness when he realized she was only doing it for his benefit. How he knew that she never understood, except that she had the same sense about him. And even when they were wrong…

They just learned something new about each other.

And she loved that.

That eight years in they weren't just still learning but that it excited them to. It reminded her of her parent's relationship so for the look of grateful love in his eyes when she took his hand that was so similar to how her father had looked at her mother she resolved to not run back inside herself. Their marriage hadn't just shown her what love should be but had taught her of how quickly it could end, the fragility of life she was so accustomed to now. Maybe too accustomed to. It so easily could have been her who'd stepped on that landmine, when the ball had rolled too far in the opposite direction she had gone to get it for him but he'd shrieked in laughter and rushed to beat her so she'd let him go. She could have died in that accident with her parents, or the day Jay had found her, certainly would have if he hadn't. She could have died that night at The Farm, the incident that no doubt was the main reason for Ian's apology.

"So how was dinner?"

Shit.

It was a sign of the innate trust she had in Jay that she hadn't noticed him walking her back up to the apartment but Nysa would've smacked her for her lack of awareness.

She was paying attention now though.

Particularly to the concerned look Mouse was giving Jay.

"We ran into some of my coworkers. Someone from The Farm." She explained, her stomach sinking a little bit at the 'oh' face he made.

She really didn't talk about her time there.

It wasn't something Tess had meant to keep from them, it was just… Something she didn't like reliving. "Give me a minute to change?"

Both men nodded, Jay giving another shocked but grateful look before he quickly padded after her, trading his black Henley for a t-shirt, which she decided to slip on with a pair of his sweats; nothing made her feel safer or more loved than being in his clothes. Aside from him. And his best friend. Mouse was waiting for them but he'd grabbed them some drinks, beer for them and a rum and coke for her and even though she didn't need any liquid courage she appreciated having something to hold onto.

"So." Mouse said with a grin as he looked her and Jay over. "Do we need to kick anyone's ass?"

He would too.

"Damn right I would." He said with another grin, with a small but serious note of offense that she might not have thought he would.

"I didn't know two of them but they were fine. Nicer than most are to me. And Ian…"

Jay had his beer in one hand and he rested the other on her ankle, the slow, rhythmic movements of his thumb contrasting the tightness in his voice. "What did he say?"

"He apologized." Both their eyes went wide but she just shrugged. "He didn't have to. He wasn't the worst of them, wasn't even in the group that targeted me, he just…"

"He let it happen." They said in unison, the kind of synchronicity she and Vivienne shared.

Two men she knew had never stood by when someone else was in trouble.

Regardless of who.

"He did. One time… we were practicing scaling walls and I was near the top, beating some of them when one of the others… He kicked my hand so I lost my grip. Ian could've caught me, but he didn't. So I fell. And finished last."

"What a dick." Greg said with a shake of his head which made her laugh but Jay…

Jay got angry.

His voice dropped low, his hand tightening around her foot. "How far?"

"Ten feet. Onto a padded mat." She added when they both hissed, in sympathy and anger but that didn't matter.

Not to them or to her.

Not in the moment anyway but she'd let it go, just one in a string of attacks from a group of mean spirited and small minded bullies.

Far from the worst.

"What else did they do?" Jay asked firmly and she quickly put a hand atop his, waiting until he exhaled some of his frustration before she continued.

"Ian and his friends never did anything. Not at first but later… they kept the others in line."

"Later?" Greg questioned and this time she had to take a steadying breath.

"Two of the other recruits were just goons, being dicks for the sake of it. And because they believed I deserved it. But their ring leader…"

She could still see his face.

The disdain he'd given her from the moment he'd laid eyes on her, disliking her presence but sure she wasn't going to last. How that had turned to frustration, anger, rage when she had, determined to make her quit. And that night he'd tried to make her…

That had been madness in his eyes.

Pure fucking madness.

Tess finally took a sip of her drink, then another, again taking comfort in Jay's touch. "Whenever I think of him I call him Ralon of Malven."

She couldn't help but chuckle at the looks they gave her, using it and them to center herself. All that he'd done and he'd still failed. She was here and he was…

Wherever the fuck he was.

Hopefully in a dark hole.

"Why does that sound familiar?" Jay asked and that made her laugh too, especially touched by his smile when she explained.

"He's a character from one of my book series. The Song of the Lioness. The first one. A young girl wants to train to become a knight, she has to pretend to be a boy which I didn't but otherwise it's the same. One of the other page boys bullies her relentlessly until she snaps and kicks his ass and he gets exiled/runs away in shame."

"That's our girl." Mouse said with a bright grin, which Jay quickly matched but they fell when she gave her head a little shake. "That's not what happened?"

"In the book, yeah. In real life… he struck first. All along he'd been telling everyone that I wouldn't even make it halfway so when it got close… Apparently he got desperate. One night he followed me into the showers. He didn't." She told Jay quickly, sliding her fingers between hers until the haze in his eyes cleared and he sucked in a breath.

Jay hated when she was hurt, hated when any woman was but that kind of hurt…

If he ever killed someone off the job she thought that was what it would be for.

That or crimes against children.

His hand running down her hair brought her out of her head and she smiled at him when it settled back on her ankle before turning to Greg, grateful for the somber but certain way he looked at her. "I think he just wanted to scare me… He snuck up behind me and slipped a garroting cord-"

"Mother fucker."

"Bastard."

It took them a minute to get themselves under control but then they nodded for her to continue, then again when she hesitated. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to share this, but for the fist that was slowly loosening from around her heart…

That told her she'd needed to.

"I don't think he was intending to kill me, not at first but when I fought back… It got nasty. Fast. Ian and one of the other guys, Devon, ran in right after I put my thumb in his eye. I went at them too until I realized they were there to help. And then… I left."

The walk back to her room was one she wouldn't ever forget but they didn't need a play by play of the aftermath and thankfully didn't push for one. Just for one more answer.

"What happened to him?" Jay asked roughly and the look in his eyes told her something she'd already known, that she was going to have to spend a while reassuring him that she was okay.

And letting him check for himself.

"He was exiled/ran away in shame."

"Good." Greg said assertively but the look on Jay's face said he didn't agree, but she quickly brought their attention back to her.

"I don't… I don't know why but I keep seeing Ian's face that night. And tonight. And Atith's."

Well fuck them.

The look they shared then, how the anger shifted to this loving amusement…

Always so good at reading her.

"You really don't know why?" Greg asked wryly, laughing when she made a face at him.

"Because they both represent the same thing to you." Jay answered softly, giving her that look; the one that made her knees shake, even sitting down.

Not just love but awe.

"A reason to fight."

A reason to fight.

For Atith, to make the world a place where children didn't die while playing. Where a country didn't ruin itself trying to take out its own citizens.

For Ian six years ago, to show him and everyone like him they didn't know what she was capable of, that they never knew what anyone was. That it was always better to be kind. And for Ian now, to show that people could change, could be better.

And for the men on either side of her, for her aunt and her team and all the kind, beautiful people she had met and all she hadn't who reminded her daily that there was good in the world.

There was love.

And through love all was possible.